#sometimes ill post things to my tumblr that im not confident enough to post to my twitter

[spec-tralarts]

protector

[inkzix]

“ We are having stew tonight! “

“ S- stew? “

・

Hello everyone!! quick update on d&l: im still working on it, but lately im unconfident on my stories .. :( . im not sure if the stories i have right now are good enough. i know im making this project just for fun, but i atleast want it to be good for me!! (im not beating myself up over it though. so dont worry!).

Ive been delaying answering the questions on the askblog, but tommorrow ill start answering a few questions from it. the reason i havent done them because i really just want to enjoy drawing what i want without burning myself out doing this project. and, im working on other things too. so its been a really difficult thing to manage. i apologize if i still keep you all waiting! i really dont wanna rush things, so even if its monthly i will sometimes be late.. its february, haha.

for this d&l, im not really confident. even after typing all of this, i found it difficult to post this on tumblr… but ill try my best next time!

•

-.-. …. .- -. --. . ..--.. / -- . ..--.. / .- -- / .. / -.-. .- .--. .- -… .-.. . / --- ..-. / - …. .- - ..--.. / -.. . … .--. .. - . .-.-.- .-.-.- / . …- . .-. -.-- - …. .. -. --. ..--..

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[caseythebunnyboy]

! MINORS, HOMO/TRANSPHOBES, TERFS/RADFEM, PRO-ANA, DETRANS/MISGENDER KINK, STRAIGHT MEN, STRAIGHT WOMEN & LESBIAN ONLY BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT !

!! WARNING !! this blog will contain hardcore kinks. please don't scroll through my blog if you are sensitive to these things, prioritize yourself.

hello, my name is casey! iam an 18 y/o, 5'4, south-east asian trans boy (he/him exclusively) that is going to be running this tumblr blog! im a bottom switch, which means that i prefer to be the one getting penetrated, but i can be both dom and/or sub while doing so.

taken emoji anons: 🗝️ || 🚂 || 🧸 || 🍅 || 👁️ || 🐺 || 🐦 || 🏹 || 🥀 || 🍡 || 🎸 || 👑🖤 ||

what i will be posting: mainly kinky text posts, nsfw art of myself, and sometimes ill show off my body in a nice outfit when im feeling more confident!

rules & info:

if you cross my boundaries 3 times, i will block you, no exceptions. depending on the severity of the crossing, i might block you instantly with no second chances.

if your blog makes me uncomfortable or i get a bad feeling from it, im blocking you.

sexting and roleplaying with me in my dms is allowed, but i will not send photos to you in dms! i dont feel comfortable doing that. so only strictly texting! i am fine with people sending me videos and photos though, but it depends on what you'll send me.

atleast say hi before chatting me, had someone say "worthless cunt" as their first dm and i blocked them lmao, its not hot to me. greeting me first would be nice.

if you are going to sext and/or rp with me, please keep my kink and no-no lists in mind, i have boundaries too.

only those that arent women and arent exclusively attracted to only women are allowed to sext with me. sorry to the women out there who wanted to, but im not attracted to you... but im sure you're still very pretty, and theres many other people who'd want to chat with you!

what to call my genitals: cock, dick, boy cunt, cunt, cunny, boypussy, bunny pussy, wet hole, front hole, little/small/tight hole, needy hole, bunny hole! (please dont call it a vagina, clit or just "pussy" by itself. only calling it a "pussy" without my preferred additions is something i can excuse sometimes, but i dont like it. vagina and clit will get u straight up blocked.)

what to call my chest area: chest. thats it. if you call it tits, boobs, or anything like that i will block you. even if you say "boy tits" or "man boobs" you are still getting blocked. its either you only refer to it as a chest or you never refer to it at all.

inbox and asks are always open! please send me threats of what you'll do to me if you find me, what you want to do to me, and if you got off to anything i post ���

my kinks: cnc, somno, teacher/student, power imbalance/dynamic, roleplaying, voice kink, degrading and/or praising me, dry humping/grinding, humiliation, free use, gangbang, overstim, edging, orgasm control/denial, impact play, begging, namecalling, pet play, watersports, monsterfucking, tentacles, breeding (no preg, makes me dysphoric), creampie (also no preg, same reason), cum dump, bondage, shibari, being punished, manhandling, size kink, treating me like your toy, making me into a sex slave, being protective/possessive, dumbification, claiming, jealous/angry sex, rough sex, and teasing. (theres prob alot more but theres so many that i forget lol)

kinks that are hard no's: feet, knife/gunplay, feeder/feedee, ed, choking, scat, vomit, age play, misgendering kink, detrans kink, calling me any term mainly used for women (good girl, queen, princess, babygirl, using she/her for me), drug play, bioessentialism, pregnancy, forced feminization, and gore.

things i like being called: baby boy, bunny boy, little bunny, little boy, cunt boy, bunny, bun bun

tags: #casey ★ grumbling for little (often nsfw) text posts/rambles/thoughts that i dont think are interesting enough to be in other tags, #casey ★ mumbling for text posts, #casey ★ answering for ask posts, #casey ★ doodling for drawings, #casey ★ peeking for body pictures, #casey ★ speaking for important announcements/posts, and #casey ★ sharing for reblogs!

also! this is all a fantasy, i do not actually want this to happen to me. consent and safety is very important in kink, sex and bdsm. i do not condone these actions being done unconsensually.

thats all! i hope my blog can make your dicks throb 💜

[onlyjaeyun]

zadie as a jay girly on tumblr who struggles to find fics for him sometimes, i agree with you!! ive expressed this in a prior ask and to other blogs too, there’s not enough jay fics!! there’s so many writers that have jay in their bias line but never post about him whether it’s just pics or putting out fics for him. there’s a shortage of smaus and long fics for him especially. but ig bc it’s how u said people will beg for it but then not interact. it’s so sad at times because he’s literally straight out of a romance movie and as i’ve said before he fits so many diff tropes. there are days where ill go to his smut tags and nothing is added to it for days or its mostly stuff for other members. but there’s always something new on the other members tags. like hello jay is so sexy please give me smut i beg!!!

i don’t really reblog because i am just a reader on tumblr and don’t want anyone to find my acc, but i def will try to because ik writers love that way more. but when there is jay content omg i put it in my likes right away. i usually also send my feedback through anon and tell them i loved it! there’s this one jay fic that’s an absolute masterpiece but only has like 200ish notes. which isn’t bad but i swear it deserves like 3,000+. maybe i’ll send the link in another ask if you’re interested in reading it. it’s a fake dating/kind of rich kid/college au! it also features other idols and i swear i read it like once every three months.

ik it’s not that deep but this whole thing kind of extends over to sfw/non fic related content on twitter too. i feel like sometimes he doesn’t get the hype he deserves and it breaks my heart cause jay has expressed that he’s not super confident in himself. i just hope he knows he’s very very loved. i remember there was a time a lot of the jay update accounts that had 10k+ followers started selling their accounts to some random crypto/nft bots and stuff and it was so sad. i don’t play about jay, im not normal about him i just want him to know that we love him so much MY BABYYYY 😭😭😭

- 🐥

no no please spak your truth because ive been dyinggg to talk about this and im glad im not the only one who noticed 🫣 i absolutely agree with everything you said and after talking to mutuals about this i realised just how sad this makes me because jay really is a great person and writing him is SO easy bc you have such a great base to work with if that makes sense 🤕 i really genuinely hope people will start appreciating his content more bc its so little and deserves just as much love and interaction as the other boys' content🥺

[patches-of-thistle]

im so shit at comprehending my thoughts so ill try my best to explain this but:

i think the main thing i started to pick up on recently, sometime during my main blog’s lifespan but before this one was made, i learned that “annoying is good”

viewing it as bad, something that needs to be treated, or silenced is a really unhealthy and toxic mindset. atleast adjusting your perspective of it to make it bearable is enough that needs to be done, but i dont think it should require any amount of intervention. at all

i dont think i wouldve been active in a lot of places if i wasnt “annoyed”; not on disc, not on tumblr…. like, i dont mean it in a way with any negativity - it would be best to redefine “annoying” in this post as “a result which stems from you having fun/doing anything that reaches other people” - but i do genuinely mean that, if i hadnt stumbled into people who bumped into me and the other blogs they had because of avid sharing of interests/sharing of work/etc then i mightve been stayed a really quiet blog that felt like i needed to be selective and loyal to my interests

i probably wouldntve ended up making this blog either and been as confident to vent out some of my personal issues as i have not too long ago (even though they were quite harsh and i still look back on some of it with a bit of guilt) if i hadnt come to this conclusion at all so…. yeah

“annoying” is good imo. so long as youre having fun with it, whatever it is, you deserve to be “annoying” - and the negative stigma that comes with being that comes from people who dont even matter to you anyway…. so like. sparkle on ig?? lmfao

[uquiz-database]

the official uquiz tumblr liked this post :o

i’ve decided to update my reblogs to make them easier to find quizzes you want to take.  

disclaimer: i am going through the tags of my old quizzes very slowly, short uquiz = under 10 questions, 

medium uquiz = 10-15 questions

long uquiz = 15 to 30

very long uquiz = 30 and over

i rather be sure with my tags so sometimes if a quiz might have a tag apply to them but if i don’t know for certain, it might not be tagged that. if you have questions about your quiz, feel free to message me and i’ll take a look. also older quizzes from the queue might not have a tag if the tag was recently suggested

Terfs, do not interact with my blog. you will be blocked. Fuck off

tags below!

timed questions = quizzes with timed questions

no quotes lyrics = quizzes without quotes and lyrics questions. NEW: as of oct 6 2021, i will include quizzes with really long and wordy options. 

music = quizzes ABOUT music. like “pick some songs and ill tell you your musical tastes”. may or may not contain lyrics

aspec (asexual and aromantic) friendly = quizzes without mandatory romance or sexual questions. if i am unsure if op meant only romantic/sexual or if it includes platonic//familial love, i’m not going to tag it aspec friendly. i rather be sure with my tags 🤷🏻‍♀️

harry potter tw: quizzes with questions about harry potter/houses. won’t reblog quizzes about hp but some quizzes might have hogwart houses

disability friendly:  From the person who suggested the tag; “For quizzes that don't include options/questions that are really focused on things like "I like to use my functional legs to walk/run somewhere" and stuff. im not really sure i understand so please let me know, 

deep questions:  “ Like if the quiz asks what ur afraid of or derealization related things”

undescribed images: no text descriptions for images 

even more  tags 

if anyone has any other tag ideas, please send an ask or add it in the notes.

It’s going to take me a while so please be patient! a lot of my older reblogs wouldn’t have the appropriate tags. i’ll try to get to them but take care if you’re looking at reblogs older than 2021.  

also, if you submitted or messaged me about your quiz, it may take a while (a few days max) to post it. 

this is a side blog. you probably can figure out my main blog if you are observant :) 

i also won’t answer asks about issues i don’t have enough knowledge on or not confident that i can answer properly. thank you for understanding! I prefer to keep anon off.

[branzycrafted]

that syscourse post just came up on our recommended which i find so ironic bc i read the post saying littles shouldnt have social media while scrolling through my own social media account as a little like. oh. ok.

its such a weird take like. i had to be the host for a while so it was fine for me to be in high school and working a job, but not to be online? like? i drove us to school at 6am but i cant look at #webkinz on tumblr?

and not to mention like. if we see dangerous things, we switch. and even if we cant switch, i can deal with it enough to block them or get the post off our dash. even if im small i still live in an almost adult system and i still understand what the brain understands and know some of what the brain knows, and that includes stuff like curse words ill see online and what tags i should block so i dont see weird things. if im ever fronting "alone," austin is usually there by default so theres still an adult alter to help if i need it, and if he isnt or if its too blurry, i was still a host and had to have times where i took care of myself and protected myself otherwise we wouldnt have gotten by during the time i was our host. and when im like smaller i have like an army of people who adopted me as their younger sibling (/hj) to monitor anything that we come across online, and theyre all adults/older people and most of them are protectors whos focus on fronting with me is to keep my spaces safe.

like. even the syskids that act like real children like toby and like me half the time, our brain has still seen what its seen and knows what it knows, we wont like discover bad stuff through social media, we were traumatized to be here and know bad stuff exists bc we went through it. and we know how to handle ourselves to survive and to function, i wouldnt have been a host if i couldnt do that. theres syskids with multiple roles and syskids who are hosts and syskids who are older or agesliders and syskids who are protectors and syskids who just know how to take care of the system, and in general, syskids arent like singlet kids in the sense that we have the lived experience of an older person and the brain of an older person. a 6 yr old singlet didnt go to highschool, i did, i can handle myself online and talk to people like im older even if im not bc our brain is still older than me and at the end of the day its also my brain. im a kid, but im not helpless. it would be more dangerous for null to be online than it would for me, or for bug despite them being an adult. an alter's vulnerability and capability has nothing to do with age.

they were so confident like it was such a hot take and such a good cool thing like it was so profound but it was so not. like. literally not at all

-🌼

(I hope you don't mind me answering like this let me know otherwise!!)

YEAH!!! Literally I saw that and was like "Well I literally know of child alters who don't act like little kids like you apparently think they all do", they were so confident in their take and the replies were like lol you're so wrong

We have adults in-sys who have been more vulnerable than the children sometimes???? It's so not about age?????? And again it's REALLY bold to go out and claim that every system ever that lets their littles/syskids touch social media is an idiot and not keeping them safe. Cause that also is So Wrong!! As far as I know we've had syskids on social media to some degree while actively being with someone that was watching over them??

Also!! Body age goes above alter age!! That goes both ways, it goes for adults in minor-bodied systems and minors in adult-or-almost-adult-bodied systems or whatever. A 9 year old in a system that's like 20 bodily would not at all be on the same level as a singlet 9 year old—

I recall one reply saying they should replace it with "vulnerable alters" if anything and yeah I to some extent agree, like still not necessary 100% true but it's better than just broadly saying littles/syskids. Literally just,, any alter considered vulnerable can do whatever it's just that they should have someone with them to keep them stable or safe or vice versa.

And again I think it's so hypocritical how they said "let the kids live" but were actively making a point that would not be "letting the kids live" cause like you said if you wanna go on social media to look at webkinz you should be allowed to, that's literally "letting the kids live", letting them look at things that bring them some kind of happiness or comfort. "Let the kids live but actually don't just coop them up in headspace cause they're oh so unsafe otherwise" lol

Grrrr child alter can literally work a job but can't go on social media to look at content relating to a kid's game >:((( WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA BUDDY LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE

[cactusfru1ts]

fuck it. intro post 

(under the cut because it got. slightly longer than intended. oops)

hiiii besties im quetzal im part of a system and i got sick of pretending to be my headmate so i just kinda made my own tumblr cause whos gonna stop me

im 18 (body age and mental age) i use it/he pronouns and im a gemini, i dont really know what else im supposed to put here lmao. i made an account on pronouns.page if you want more info about my pronouns and stuff, and if you dont know what plural means you should probably check out morethanone.info but the extremely short version is that im one of several people sharing one body

oh my gender is kinda weird but the short version is that im a girlqueer bigender guy. technically im also transmasc but i dont really consider myself trans? or cis. or nonbinary. i call myself genderqueer sometimes, most gender words that have an “opposite” are kinda weird for me though. idk its like… physically i am transmasculine but i guess since i didnt form until wed already been on hrt for a bit it just isnt much of a thing for me. oh and the bigender part is like 90% guy 50% girl i guess. yeah that sounds about right.

oh also i said in my bio that im bisexual but i am also aromantic. i mean technically i guess im gray aro but for all intents and purposes i am aromantic. im also polyamorous and like i think relationships are super fun i just only realized recently that “it might be fun to date this person” is not necessarily the same thing as “i am romantically attracted to this person” lol

i really like music, some of my favorite musicians are watsky, hozier, mitski, taylor swift, mcr, and sidney gish, and im theoretically a musician but i am generally not very good at learning instruments so i mostly just sing. i also paint sometimes but im not very good at it lol

oh im really interested in cults (i listen to a lot of cult podcasts mostly) but i know a lot of folks consider that a weird thing to bring up at the dinner table so i try not to talk about it with folks i dont know well enough that i can feel confident that theyll tell me if i need to shut up. with that said i often need to shut up and if you tell me to shut up and youre not a dick about it i will try to shut up. in conversation anyways. i made a tumblr because i dont shut up though so it probably wont work if you just want me to stop posting cringe. go ahead and  block “#quetzposting” if you dont wanna see my original posts because theyll probably get pretty annoying pretty fast

other stuff i like includes 17776, psych, ncis (i know dont @ me), and also wings of fire but in kind of a weird fictive way sometimes. (technically speaking i am a fictive of qibli but i just call myself fictionkin cause it seems… more accurate, if less precise. something something integration idk. i probably wouldnt even mention it but since im openly plural here i get to make fictive jokes so i may as well explain that now.)

okay this was supposed to be a temporary intro post but i rambled a lot so i guess ill probably just keep it for a while im working on a listography though so hopefully ill add the link to that soon

edit: i made a page on my blog thats sort of like a guide to my tagging system, its more for my own benefit but if youre looking for something or need to know what to blacklist it could be useful?

second edit: i finished my listography! or like got it presentable anyways i didnt “finish” it bc im gonna have to update it + stuff but its at a point where you can look at it and learn things about me in a way that is much more pleasant than just looking at this post. this post sucks. i will hopefully also be replacing this post shortly lmao

[neopuff]

hello, i hope you're having a good day!! i was wondering, do you have any tips for making amvs? like, what programmes you use, how you handle the timing, etc. thank you for all the fun edits you make!!

hi!! sorry for the delay in answering this, i just wanted to take the time to answer it thoroughly and i kept forgetting lol & thank you! i already typed this once and tumblr made it disappear so i apologize if anything i say comes out short ‘cause i’m just trying to remember all that i typed before lol

ok so ill just go through my general editing process in Vegas, i dont know any other program well enough to talk about it at length:

(disclaimer: this is just how i do it, i dont watch tutorials and my editing friends and i don’t watch each other edit often so i would assume that my way is very different from other ways you’ve probably seen! i might even do something in a very stupidly hard way, please feel free to tell me if theres an easier way to do anything lol)

1. Song: So skipping past the “choosing song and ship/character/show” theme, I’ll dive straight into CUTTING THE SONG! I’m not about that Editing The Entire Song life, and neither is most of the editing community anymore, so I cut it up into a shorter thing that I’m better equipped to edit to. I’m just using a random example but here I’ve taken this long ass song and turned it into this:

(the next step just kind of depends on my mood, or ill do both, doesnt matter)

2-A. Subclips: if im making a shorter video or a video where i’m not 100% super familiar with the footage, i will immediately start making subclips using the episodes ive already pulled into the project. if it’s a ship/character that i’ve edited before, i’ll just go to Import->Media from Project and import the subclips i made previously. either way, subclips are there! 

2-B. Sheets: for ships that i know very well/have a lot of footage/im concerned about potentially repeating something, i will go to Google Sheets/Excel and take the lyrics im editing to and put them in column A, separating by pauses in the singing. then i put corresponding footage i think will go well in column B! im often not super specific because i know the beats are gonna be different than i remember, so i usually stick to referencing whole scenes instead of specifics moments. here’s an example:

3. Clip placement: Then I start placing clips down! Below is how I organize my timeline tho I know a lot of editors who put the music on top, this is just how I like it. I also keep a single muted audio layer in between for the video footage’s audio and then I’ll delete that layer when I’m done (or sometimes I don’t, it doesn’t really matter)

I think it’s good to hit the beats as much as possible, it makes for a more dynamic audio-visual experience! In general I try to make my videos so that, if I didn’t add any zooms or typography or coloring, it would still be a good amv. And don’t limit yourself to just one layer, you can have as many layers as you’d like and put clips on top of each other (cookie cutter/changing the layer to dodge or add or screen or whatever) is a good way to mix things up

when I zoom in you can see I’ve got some variety already in my transitions, I know I use that motion-blur-zoom a lot these days but I still try to mix it up and keep my brain invested

4. Typography: After all the clips have been placed (or most of the clips, ofc sometimes I’ll want to add more later) I move on to typography! I’m lazy so the first thing I’ll do it just put down unedited text where I think I’ll want it to go. It just helps me organize myself. Then I’ll pretty up the text afterwards.

Typography isn’t necessary for a good AMV, but really nice typography can really spruce things up. I’ve only very recently gotten confident in my text editing skills, and I just kept watching typography done by editors I really like until I figured out what they were doing. My recommendation is to just KEEP ADDING EFFECTS! Convolution kernel, gaussian blur, mask the text so it appears from angles that the transitions wouldn’t be able to do - of course there’s gotta be a limit for taste, but just add stuff until you like how it looks. Also changing the blending style of the text layer is good, dodge and difference are my go-tos for typography layers.

5. Transitions: I don’t go crazy with transitions, but it’s fun to mess around with them. You don’t want too many crazy/different transitions, you want them to match the mood of the song and the type of beat you’re hitting. I usually ensure that all similar beats in the song have the same transition type on them, bbbbbbut that’s cuz I’m overly obsessed with parallel structure. There’s plenty of fantastic AMVs where they just go ham and do whatever types of transitions they want to in each part of the song and they make it work just fine

(next step, once again, kind of depends on my mood lol)

6-A. Zooms: Time for zooms! I usually just use the pan/crop for zooming, but often I’ll incorporate Sapphire FX BlurMoCurves or NewBlue AutoPan, especially if I’m trying to zoom typography with the footage at the same rate. I try to keep my zooms short and slower, I mean obv it just depends on the song but yeah. There’s a lot of different ways to do zooms so I recommend experimenting and just playing around with different effects

6-B. Zooms...but different: Another way that I’ll do zooms which is definitely pretty different (but this is what I do for crossovers like 95% of the time because I am laaaaaaaaaaazy) is I’ll drag the project into a new project timeline and start editing it there. It’s similar to how After Effects works and it makes it easier to put effects overtop of multiple layers without having to pre-render anything.

So you can see I’ve just pulled in the .VEG file and popped it in the timeline! So this way I can add zooms and transitions without worrying about layers. And if I see a mistake I need to fix, I can just go back into the original .VEG file and edit it, and it’ll be edited when I come back here. So it’s much easier than pre-rendering or trying to do zooms on a lot of layers. To be clear tho, this doesn’t work well if you have a lot of fade transitions, it’s best for sharp transitions and it’s great when you’re using Sapphire FX BlurMoCurves a lot.

7. Overlays: After that I’ll add more typography (or if you didn’t add any earlier, you can add some here overtop of the new project file) that kind of goes on top of everything. And then I’ll add any overlays or objects or whatever else I wanna add! I’m not someone who uses a lot of backgrounds cuz I don’t have a background-creative-brain so I stick to simple overlays at the most.

8. Coloring!!! This is very sad but I only JUST learned a few weeks ago that you can add coloring/effects to your entire video with this button here, so in case anyone else hates watching tutorials as much as I do here’s where I’m talking about:

This shit would’ve made my life so much easier throughout the years lol But alas. Anyway so for coloring there are some effects that are popular for any colorings you’ll find on YT (but you can certainly just download some, Riverdale editors in particular share a lot of really great colorings but you’ll find them anywhere in the live action editing community):

Channel Blend, Color Curves, Color Blend, Color Balance, Convolution Kernel (best for live action footage or footage that isnt very crisp), Color Corrector Secondary

These are all just fun to mess with. Channel Blend in particular is something of a mystery for me, I haven’t studied it fully to understand what I’m doing so I mostly just mess with it randomly until I like what I see lol

9. Render time! First render, anyway. Usually there’ll be some random problem in the footage or something and I’ll have to either go back into the project and fix it OR if I’m feeling particularly sour (or maybe if I’ve rendered like 3-4 times already) I will just take the finished render and manually remove any errors, stretching out the good footage to cover my tracks. You’d be surprised how often I end up doing that lol

And then it’s good to post! I primarily render as .WMV but I also go for .MP4s every once in a while. If I want to upload it to Twitter I’ll do an .MP4 but it’s a new thing for me so I’m still stuck on .WMV mostly.

Anyway I hope this answered your question at least a little bit, I can go into more detail about certain parts of this if you’d like!

[snailfen]

a message to my friends

so its new years.... and alot has changed for me. i have friends i honestly didn't think id ever have. so, i wanna say something.

@dibphobic PUR youre an AMAZING FRIEND. youre really nice and funny and im glad i got to know you. i think in tje long run youre the one who introduced me to ia. adn yeah, we both miss it, but were gonna start something new with the all the other mods of epithet arcs. its great bein able 2 vibe with you about alot of things. your art is fuckijnh funky and i love it so much!!!!

@tokyosorbet OK SO YOU WERE THE BIGGEST INSPIRATION OF MINE IN THE JSAB COMMUNITY AND I DONT KNOW WHAT ID BE DOING IF YOU HADNT POSTED THE HELL SERVER LINK. BC IN A WAY YOU OPENED A DOOR FOR ME TO MEET OTHERS AND YOU AND MARCI MADE ME FEEL SO WELCOME AND I JUST,,,,, AUGHG,,,i wish you good luck with getting out of ur house and with thaun!!! i hope ill be able to help out sometime!!!

@apollysabyss marci youre the greatest mom-friend ive ever had. back when i first joined hell i was like,,, rlly nervous. that i wouldnt fit in. but you made me feel like i was no stranger or outcast. im glad you did. im... really glad you did. thank you.

@mother-of-thots-returns mot. mot you are the biggest sweetie pie ive ever known. youre so positive and amazing and i wanna know more about your story with slorb and everything!!!!! hua!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@natto-axolotl NATTOOOOOOO YOURE AN AMAZING FRIEND. IM GLAD YOURE ONE WITH OUR GROUP NOW YOU FUNKY LITTLE AXOLOTOL YOU. YOIRE REALLY NICE AND AMAZING AND I LOVE YOUR JSAB BLOG,,,,,,,,, 

@jackie-from-the-seafloor nauty wauty, you were one of my biggest inspirations when the jsab community was still around. i never thought id be here by your side. youre hilarious and youre an amazing artist and im so glad i could be your friend.

@charmed-wonder HEY YOU SILLY MONGOOSE WHO LIVES IN THE WALLS. youre really sweet and amazing and i think youre epic bro :) i really love your art and your story and writing and i REALLY WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT YOUR STORY ok youre cool as HELL YOU FUNKY LITTLE EIGHTH WONDER YOU

@jsab-fujii :thot: 👁_👁 FEET. FEET (GRABS YOU) fuji you are one of the best bastards i know and one of the first people i saw in the jsab community. even if you didnt start off on the right foot, im happy i could eventually get along with you. 

@sol4r-eclips3 HEY YOU BASTARD DONT THINK IM LEAVIN' YOU OUTTA THIS POST! CAUSE IM NOT!!! i never really... told you. but....youre the one whos always made me feel confident enough to speak to... anyone, really. even if you didnt see it, the way you spoke to others as naturally as you did,,,,,,, made me feel more confident. thank you so much bro,,,

@nontoxic-markers heya hun 💛 you... probably are the one who changed me the most, if im going to be honest with you.. everyone here has changed be in some way, but you? youve helped this year feel different. during the summer i felt as if everything was going to take a sudden turn for the worst, but... you were there. and i felt relieved. im... so glad you were there. you really have helped me more than i tell you. i love you a lot, hun 💛💛💛

youve all changed me for the better. im so happy for you all. some of you know, some of you.... might not, but. last year, i felt like no one. all i did was scroll through tumblr and youtube until i had to go to bed. and i felt depressed too. my youngest sister was born and had died in the same night. it brought tragedy and sorrow to my family. but now? i feel like someone. i feel happy and joyful. im so glad i met you all. 

thank you. all of you. for everything. i dont know where id be without any of you.

[fluttersheep]

@michaalien​ tagged me in this forever ago and im only just now getting to it fjdkjfsd

thank uu

What was the last thing you read? a pharmacy tech study guide ;;

Favorite movie? what we do in the shadows, lego movies, o brother where art thou, hot fuzz is a guilty pleasure

Favorite book? smoke gets in your eyes

Dream Date? visiting an animal sanctuary maybe. or a historical site. hiking somewhere beautiful. idk i have lots but as long as im with someone i love ill have just as much fun sitting on the couch

Do you have a crush? yeah im crushing pretty hard on @skeletonshades​ but dont tell her its a secret <3

What are your hobbies? drawing, going on long walks, crocheting even though its slow going, lying on the floor

What is your favourite time of day? morning time!

If you could look like anything, what would you look like? dont ask me this im dysphoric and have dysmorphia and poor self image dskfjlsdkfj, this is the only body i get im trying to accept it

Are you romantic?  ooooh just a bit :)

What’s your favorite type of weather? brisk and sunny 

What do you like talking about? idk. whatever im interested in at the time if someone is willing to listen

What are your turn ons? positivity, confidence, snappy dressing, willingness to help me break into a factory farm

Turn offs? selfishness, poor listener, giving money to the farm im trying to break into

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it? as soon as the seasons over and i can stand to spend a bit on it im still going to get that homo fuge tattoo

Do you have any pets? ms puppy daisy, although she lives with my parents

Dream job? my dream job is no job

honestly if i could work on a sanctuary part time and support myself thatd be perfect. helping animals, being just physically demanding enough to be satisfying, working outside.. wouldnt that be nice. stupid capitalism :(

Dream place to live? im always embarrassed to say places like scotland bc its so cliche but a little cottage in the country would be so nice ;; also like. free healthcare????

Dream vacation? germany or the czech republic

Do you have any piercings? just the one on the ears, im thinking of getting more higher up but im more of a tattoo person

If you had kids what would you name them? i dont know i dont plan on ever needing to know lol

What are your best traits? big heart

Worsts traits? big heart

What’s your worst fear? being alone, sudden deadly illnesses

What do you want to eat right now? its literally always sushi

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on? it wasnt really a vacation but i really enjoyed my recent trip to washington. the mountains were so beautiful

Favourite City? idk im not a city person. i havent been to many either. savannah maybe? and even then i still have a lot of issues with it haha

Favourite social media platform? i guess tumblr since its the only one i use. but only bc every other one is so much worse

Favourite article of clothing? my big black cardigan

Do you play sports?  id rather die thanks

Favourite meal of the day? i think breakfast? im always most hungry then so its extra satisfying. and its my biggest meal. its literally what gets me out of bed lol

What are you excited for? seeing my gf in january!!! <333

Not excited for? upcoming credit card bill :(

When was the last time you cried? this morning kdjflsdjk im going through a rough bit

Dream house? i answer this all the time! some kind of cute little place in the country

What’s something you hate about the world? theres a lot dont even get me started

ill just say. some peoples inability to respect animals at all

What’s something you love about the world? when humans are extremely compassionate and caring. i really want to think most people are inherently good deep down, we just live in a world thats been. structured poorly ig

What scents do you like? rose and peach and baked bread

What kind of sleeper are you? pretty good i think overall. i have some rough streaks sometimes but usually i get a good 7 hrs. i sleep really well this time of year when its cold and i have a heated blanket so that helps a lot

Are you a cat or dog person? i used to be a dog person until i worked in kennels (i still adore dogs dont get me wrong) and now i think im just a tiny bit more of a cat person. but i love them both so so much

How long would you survive in the zombie apocalypse? ten minutes?

Are you trusting? i try to be. i trust my friends a lot

What fictional character do you identify with? oh you know

What labels do you usually get? quiet and shy 

What song would be your life anthem? honestly nothing comes to mind and im too tired to go looking for a song ;;  ill keep you posted

What issues are you dealing with right now? i have so many and cant afford a therapist and im so mad abt it!!!!

How can someone win you over? forehead kisses wrist kisses cheek kisses nose kisses neck kisses just those small nice kisses always get me <33

also yeah $5000

What’s something about you people don’t know? i think my social security number is the only thing i havent shared here at least once

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[170300]

9/18

things haven’t been bad recently. i never really know exactly how to open these things because i’m accustomed to blog or diary entries being so somber and i guess depressive, but like i don’t know what to say when i start something lol. like even with songwriting, the opening lines and verses are always the most difficult for me to get together. the endings tho, i usually can wrap up a song like nobody’s business lol. my endings to songs are about the only things i usually feel confident in. anyways, these past few days haven’t been that bad. ive been slightly emotional and sensitive to things, but that isn’t necessarily unordinary. it’s more annoying than anything. i was trying to talk about it, but it feels so selfish and sounds like a pile of 2014 tumblr posts and pretentious statements to make me feel as though im unheard and misunderstood or some shit. regardless, it just feels useless trying to communicate anything i’m feeling cause it feels so generic and inauthentic and it’s just kind of frustrating. but here i am, spilling out what i am feeling to a handful of strangers who have no idea who i am or what i look like because it feels like i can be more honest to them than to people who have been there for me for years. the logic in it? no clue. i feel like i am a literal walking contradiction, a paradox. i have all of these answers in the world for other people, but i can never practice what i preach and i feel like that only hurts the advice i give people because here i am, suffering from something similar to them and im acting as though i don’t know what i should do yet, i gave them advice like a week ago and now im acting as if im clueless to what i should do in the situation. i don’t know. its something i need to work on, but in the moment, it feels like everything is pointless and resistance to it all is futile. i don’t know. my head feels kind of scattered today. these past few days i really feel like im trying to hold myself together because im trying so hard not to break down, but i can't help it sometimes. it feels like im trying to just keep my head above water and i feel like im exhausting all of these people by not being able to handle my own shit. i can't even pinpoint what is the issue, it just feels like everything is too fucking much sometimes. like there's something constantly happening and i can't just catch my breath anymore. don’t get me wrong. i love so many of the things i have, but i just don't know how to handle all of these things as they come and i’m so fearful of doing it wrong and fucking it up somehow because i don't know how to navigate through these things that have been set before me. the people i love deserve so much, yet i don’t know how to express what i feel towards them and when i do, it instantly feels as though it’s not enough. like i’m never enough or i’m too much. there's no in-between. i’ve expressed this before, but it just seems like people roll their eyes, take a deep breathe, and regurgitate some phrase they read off a counselor’s office with hopes that somehow it’ll pass which it does sometimes, for a minute. or it just waits till im stripped of my distractions and am forced to digest it. but i could be too critical which is very likely. i always feel like i have these heavy expectations out of people which are nearly impossible to achieve. i don't acknowledge they’re trying, but the pain is just so intense sometimes. it feels like it fucking hurts to just simply exist. i guess it gives you an understanding to not take advantage of the good days and to savor them because sometimes it feels like i don’t even know when ill get those again. i kind of maintained a philosophy that good days and bad days are lessons or they usually come with some kind of meaning behind them. without the bad days, would we truly understand what a good day is or have a full appreciation for it? that's something i think about a lot. i feel like it kind of gives me motivation to not take so many good days for granted or to find the good in everyday. but i don't know. it helps sometimes. but anyways, i feel like this post is literally a shitstorm of rambling, maniacal messes so i think ill just end it on that note. til next time i guess. don’t be a stranger ;)

[slimy]

semi sleepy ramble. im already on thin ice because technically all tattoos must be covered at my job, and its uncomfortable as fuck to wear a long sleeve undershirt, so i’ve only just barely gotten away (with managers’ permission) with not wearing it. but the Big Boss man might bring it up to me soon idk. i definitely don’t regret my tattoos or their placement. even the cursed raccoon tattoo. like, what, i’m just not gonna decorate my own skin how i want to because of a fuckin burger place?? yeah fucking right.

bc of all this discussion and thoughts on tattoos, now i’m in the mood for another one, something small. like the ghoul on my ankle. maybe a tiny animal. or something based on indigenous nicaraguan art. hm 

i have two “big tattoo” plans, to be completed whenever:

big secret chest piece design

big gator on blank outer forearm

these two 100% must be done by my main artist guy in NYC hes the fuckig best and he’s the only person i’d trust to do such big tattoos

small impulse stuff i dont mind being done by whoever as long as i obviously like their portfolio and the shop looks impeccably clean

none of my tattoos have a single, direct “meaning” but since I chose them because I like how they look, and I have similar taste in things across all categories of things because i am a single person lol, it just logically follows that the tattoos may incidentally tie into other things that I like or that are meaningful to me.

the connections between some of my tattoos’ designs and hotline miami are sometimes intended as one of the primary meanings, but usually it’s just a bonus.

i sometimes worry that hlm wont be so important to me one day, but it’s been a special interest of mine for suuuuuuuch a long time, and my thoughts on the game have evolved with me over time. like even if i suddenly didn’t like it anymore somehow, i would not be able to deny that it was so deeply important to me for as long as it was.

like damn i basically discovered that im trans because of the game. although my friends on tumblr are the ones who opened my eyes to the world of LGBT culture, history, experiences, and terminology (hugely important stuff I may not have ever discovered on my own for a very long time), the first time i ever tangibly explored being transgender irl was in fall 2015 when i wore a hlm cosplay in public for comic con... and then for halloween... and then on the subway and in random parks in nyc... and then at my university, where i asked my friends to only call me the character’s name and refer to me as he/him while i was in costume.......... never thought i’d find so much freedom and joy in a sweaty latex chicken mask

i think sometime after that, in maybe early 2016, i made the post on here where i came out as nonbinary. that was the first day i ever started to embrace that word. it’s back in my archive, you can probably find it easily. the exact date i started to think of myself as nonbinary. lmao. (well not necessarily, of course i felt like i was nonbinary for many years prior, but i didnt have the words for it, and i thought that’s just how everyone felt, or that it was something i needed to get over because it meant i just wasnt confident enough or smth)

how did a post about tattoos become this. probably because i’m not seeing a therapist adn im too tired to write all of this in my normal physical journal.

also i have a fear of forgetting things as important to me as the timelines of things in my life. i want to look back on things like this and be able to know what was going through my head in early 2018. im afraid if if dont write it down ill forget it forever