#sometimes i'm like 'i want people to say nice things to me'
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This is the last time I'm going to be annoying about this, I swear.
A few examples of that I, a gifmaker, personally love seeing under the tags:
Analysis of said scene, show, or character, especially the long ones going in depth that span like 1000 words
People saying how crisp the GIFs look and how nice the coloring is THANK YOU. ILY GUYS. That's always huge praise for me.
Reacting with how emotional you got with the scene. How painful and emotional or how touching a scene is.
People making funny jokes, memes, comments, etc.
Literally ppl horny posting LMAO. It's super funny to read and I love seeing all the unhinged comments.
Seeing how much you loved the show and its characters
Things I don't like seeing under the tags. And these are just two very specific things:
How much you hate the show, how much you think a scene is bad, how much you hate a character, the ship, the creators, etc. or how much you dont like this ship anymore, calling a ship horrible because ____ reasons. OKAY! I get it! But I don't want to see that. Make your own hate post on your own blog! You're free to have an opinion on how much you hate something. Just do it on your own blog.
Asking why I leave out certain scenes out, why I decided to gif this scene, or not gif more of these characters. Sometimes, I'm just exhausted. I can overlook things. You guys don't know how draining making gifs can get to me, especially the scenes that are really long. But I do it because I LOVE Arcane, the story, and the characters, and the particular scenes that I make gifs of. I have my own biases too. Of course I’m making them first. Please, just make them yourself instead of complaining under the tags of my edits. Yes, I can see them.
Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly appreciate everyone who supports and follows the blog. I want to make a million more HQ gifs of this amazing show, but sometimes, the very rare negativity can still get overwhelming, to the point where it demotivates you.
Arcane is extremely special to me because it's such a fantastic show, and that alone motivates me in trying to create more GIFs. Honestly, if it was any other fandom or show? I would've probably left already. Arcane is THAT great.
I know the block button is there. I use it too, but sometimes, the amount of effort and time you exert to create FOR FREE just isn’t worth it. And that’s why gifmakers and creators stop making things for fandom. It’s not fun anymore. It’s not worth it.
Some people think that making my style of GIFs is easy. Then great! Since you think so, then do it yourself and help create for the fandom too! I wholeheartedly encourage you to do it!
TLDR: Don't be rude on people's fanwork, especially when they are created FOR FREE. If you don’t like their fanwork, you can make them yourself.
#personal tag#long post#ok i will shut up about this topic but i really really needed to get it out#this is the very last complaint post you’ll see about this fr just let me fully rant abt it just this once#to the people who listened to my grievances thank you too you guys know who you are#and if ur here thank u for reading this#ive pumped out what.... 20 gif sets in three days........ and posting a lot will defo get some irritating comments#i know i cant control them but sometimes u accidentally see some and it just affects you#theres a reason why my inbox comments and mentions are closed and sometimes its because some people can be fucking insufferable#janna give me strength in the next few weeks#and if u see me randomly disappear and stop creating then u know why#but for now my love for the show transcends all of this and im going to try my best to avoid seeing annoying comments on my edits#idk if other gifmakers get it but like..... yeah i hope i can have thicker skin#ive rested and recovered from being tired and demotivated but the whiplash you get at the heat of the moment is insane sometimes lol
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welp. i'm posting this unedited and EXTREMELY self indulgent pedro pascal x reader fic. i have more written, but i will only post the full thing if ppl are also as sick and twisted as me.
hope who ever reads this, feels a little more seen bc i am SICK (well not really HHAHAH) of all the pedro character ddlg fics!! i just wanted to write something more realistic? idk welp, here it is! (not in its entirety:P )
Si no te hubieras ido
pairings: Pedro Pascal x Reader
warnings: age gap, drinking, reader is in their 20s
getting to work on a set like The Mandalorian was a dream if you were being honest. no, you weren't some high end actor, or a famous director, just someone part of the production crew, doing things like planning, writing, hell even editing. you'd do anything to just be a part of a project like this.
interactions with the actors were also common in a job like this, but apart from just guiding them through certain scenes and how they should look, you really didn't cross the boundaries that weren't professional. It was really nice to admire them though. Getting the occasional chat with big shot superstars was so cool and always something to brag about to your family even though they weren't supportive of your career choice. You didn’t end up a doctor or lawyer like they wanted, but hey! You did something you loved.
It was honestly a very normal day in the workplace. You were working in the art department as usual, helping make sure the vision that the director wanted was really coming through. Being behind the scenes for such big projects like these was really something. Your admiration for the process really grew getting to do all the behind the scenes work, it was such a nice feeling seeing the thing you along with many others, worked so hard on being televised was something special.
You weren't the overly ambitious type, but the thought of directing something sounded really cool.
You continued on, designing what the director wanted on a few scenes we’d be working on in the following weeks.
Lost in your work you didn’t expect anyone to come up to you for anything, you weren't the art director so it wasn't usual for people to come to you. Unbeknownst to you, you felt a sudden hand on your arm, not roughly just to get your attention.
you look up and woah…why the hell was Pedro Pascal standing right behind you.
"uhm, I'm sorry to bother you, you seem busy, but I've been meaning to ask, would you like to go out for a drink sometime?" Pedro asked.
huh? what…the…fuck…?
it caught you off guard.
Firstly, why was Pedro Pascal even looking for you? Because I mean you? of all people he could ask something like that, it was you? A man notorious for not having any sort of relationship, at least not public, was standing here with you asking you to go out for a drink.
you didn’t even think about your response before the words fell from your mouth.
"oh..uhm…Is this some kind of prank?"
you dumb BITCH WHY WOULD U SAY THAT???
was what you thought immediately after.
In your defense, you were in disbelief because what the hell was Pedro Pascal, a very prominent and influential actor, asking you out for drinks? I mean the interactions you both have had were merely professional and work related so why?
he looked confused at your answer, maybe even a little insulted, which was not your intention.
"shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound rude I'm just in a bit of disbelief" you let out an awkward laugh to soften the previous response and got out of your seat to face him properly. how do you even respond to a question like that, you had no idea that's for certain.
He stared softly at you and started, "no I'm sorry, that was very sudden haha. no need to say yes I just wanted to see if you would." His response was genuine and he wore a soft smile as he did.
God, was he really handsome up close.
To be quite honest, you always found him super attractive. But he was the internet’s daddy so it wasn't just you who felt attraction towards him. And sure, you might've dabbled in the idea of maybe even going out with him, but you were realistic with yourself.
But here you are now. Getting asked out on a date with this hunk of a man.
You were still lost in thought, trying to reflect on what was occurring and what came out of Pedro’s mouth.
He spoke again, "Sorry, just forget it ev-"
"no no, I mean I'd love to, who wouldn't want to go out for drinks with you, I'm just not all that special ya know?" you were being honest. You weren't some super sexy model or a renowned actor, you were just some girl working on the same set as Pedro.
Also, you were much younger than Pedro.
"I'd beg to differ." he said quite frankly. He smiled that sweet and tender smile of his and you couldn't help but think, for an older man he was sure fine.
you were daydreaming again at this point when Pedro spoke again,"so...is that a yes then?" it snapped you back to reality. It was so odd to see him so nervous over something like this, but being in the know of most things Hollywood, everyone who knew Pedro also knew that he had social anxiety so it must've taken a lot out of him to even ask you out
your heart raced, “yea- yes, I'll go for a drink with you.” you smiled, but if you were being honest you were really nervous too. What exactly did he see in you? Sure you were kind and respectful, but that's how you were with everyone. Pedro felt way out of your league to even grasp the idea of flirting with him, I mean come on. Who would even think about flirting with an A-list celebrity, especially someone way way WAY younger than he was and someone who wasn’t on any level to him.
he had a huge smile on his face, he seemed so content. “Great, should I get your number while I’m at it?” He pulled out his phone and handed it to you. You slightly grazed his hand when he did and it caught you by surprise.
His hands were so big, and you didn’t realize till just then how much of a height difference you two had.
You put your name and number, your hands were trembling a bit as you did so.
“here you go. so…when should I expect that drink?” you tried being coy to play off the fact that you were actually freaking out.
he smiled and laughed, “what about tonight then?”
that was quick
“oh. uhm yeah sure, i get off at 5, would like 8 be okay.”
“Sounds perfect. I’ll pick you up, wear something nice.”
“Do I not look nice now?” you said sarcastically.
“No no, you always look great, I’d just like to see you in a dress.” He looked at you with so much love, his sweet smile still plastered hard on his face.
You couldn’t help but blush hard.
Has he always looked at me?
“I’ll send you my address then, see you tonight.”
“See you tonight.” and he stepped out.
what the fuck were you getting into
~~~~~~~
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i was planning on like. staying away from here while in my new home because i don't really know how private my internet activity is here
but………. i really feel like drawing sometimes. and i want to share my art and my thoughts again. and you know, i also really want to share whatever joys i have in this world. we need all the joy we can get right now, right? i don't know the exact amount of joy and good that my being here brings but because of the nice things so many of y'all have said to me, i have to believe it's not zero. and i want to do whatever little part i can to make this world better.
I'm always scared I'm going to say the wrong thing. accidentally reveal myself as a terrible or stupid or unbelievably weird person. or, absolute worst of all: overlook someone or fail to properly pay back their kindness, and make them feel sad somehow. so i hope y'all will forgive me if i say stupid or bad or annoying things or if i mess up. i hope you'll forgive me. i try to be a good friend but actually i don't really know how and i worry about that just like all the time and it really holds me back and i want to stop. so I'm gonna stop!!!!!
I'm going to start queueing up a bunch of art now. and I'm going to try really hard to 1) only look at this place occasionally 2) not be sad if i feel alone here 3) not feel guilty for being myself 4) be somewhat active with interaction and 5) actually start blocking/unfollowing people that make me sad. edit: feel like i wanna add a disclaimer that even if i don't follow you anymore i still think you're cool. certain things in my feed have sent me into misery spirals of sadness in the past and i want to prevent that happening again.
if you want to support me too, i really really appreciate all interaction, even just likes if that's all you want to do. i notice it and will remember it and to be honest it kinda scares me how much i really really CARE about it, care about what people think of me, of my things. how much i want to see other people relate to them or even just enjoy them because i really really really really don't want to be the only person like me. but maybe that's just inevitable and i need to learn to be ok with that. i want to be ok with that. i don't want to be ashamed to be different from everyone else anymore..
#idk what it's called when you feel rejection sensitive dysphoria feelings constantly for months/years#BUT i do know that it feels REALLY FREAKING GREAT when you feel better! yippeeeeee!!!!!#if this place makes me feel bad again i think I'll know where the bad feelings come from#but i think just. being part of a community and being actively reached out to.... kind of fixed things. woohoo#also well i guess people dont always read things but. announcement: changed my blog name. IT WAS TOO LONG#AND MY REAL USER NAME WILL NEVER BE FREE SO I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ONE THAT LOOKS SIMILAR#URRGGHHHHHHHH BUT IT LOOKS. IT READS. DIFFERENTLY. don't care#that's not my. problem *grinds teeth* if people read it phonetically instead of letting their mind remember jnpie#not my problem. i can gloss over the detail and pretend like it's my real name just fine
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some shit i have to say about this particular thing from the frankly insane ass article sorry:
GH: Why Miami? JC: I love it. Just for me to get away sometimes. That's where I was working out when I came out of college. I don't see myself living there, but it's a nice spot to stay sometimes. GH: You seem to be New Orleans through and though. That's where you would live, I imagine. JC: I don't know. I haven't really decided on what I want to do when it comes to living in places, yet. GH: Do you see yourself being with him the rest of your career or a good part of your career? JC: I see it for a long time right now. We've been together for a long time. We enjoy each other's company. I don't see anybody leaving.
not to be an insane joemarr girlie YET AGAIN but -> ja'marr adores the shit out of nola that much is obvious: choosing to stay in nola for lsu, the way he speaks of it and how he never lets go of his accent even if people struggle to understand him, the shout outs, the fleur-de-lis pads tattoo big ass new chain etc etc so loud in his love AND YET he doesn't say that there's where he would end up in the end. he hauled his ass to cincy, stayed there and made it clear he doesn't plan on leaving (cincy and joe), has a condo in miami with all the beaches and waters he loves but he doesn't see himself living there, etc et-fucking-c AND JUST!!! not to be insane its like he knows that joe is for ohio. joe always comes back to his roots–wanting to go to nebraska like his fam, choosing osu, leaving osu to lsu and choosing to go back to ohio in cincinnati and just not leaving he has shit to prove there he loves it there it's where his family is it's where he grew up it's where he's loyal to and ja'marr just. follows him. 'i don't know' on whether he'd stay in nola where he spent his childhood and college years. 'haven't decided' like there's a place in his mind but he's unsure if he should or if his welcome is for forever or what the boundaries and lines of that forever is and if it's just a wolf-howling-at-moon-never-to-meet shooting-himself-in-the-foot kind of situation. like do you feel me??? i feel crazy like do you get what I'm trying to word out 😭
and like ugh if i can just mention about joe's fondness and love for all the things he's been a part of is so 😔❤️ still wearing all those silicone bracelets to this day the lsu one, covid days bengals one, etc. his ohio state, geuax tigers, athens etc sweatshirts and hoodies that he wears to this day that are in near pristine condition but also looking worn in a way that shows he wears them often and cares for them deeply so they last to this day. showing his love and appreciation in such in your face ways like the burreaux senior day name change, ja’marr’s jersey, etc other examples i can't think of bc my brain is fried :(((((( and so it's like.......maybe that is something that ja'marr notices and wants him to keep you know?? so if he stays in ohio for joe it isn't even remotely a hardship because the city has embraced him so readily and lovingly and he's repeatedly said that he loves the city even if the chili is shit so :(((( just incredibly loyal to a fault these two aaaaa
#its kind of hilarious if you link joe in cincy with#lebron coming to the cavs and winning a chip#lol#but anyway#ja'marr chase#joe burrow#joemarr#joemarr meta#i feel this article will forever be known as The Article for me#also i kind of don't see joe ever leaving cincy tbh. he wants a ring im sure but does it outweigh his love for the city is the question#like is he playing for a ring or is he playing for /cincy/ to get a ring#in osu he /had/ to move to get /somewhere/ in his career yk. but hes here now. and he has the city and the city loves him and well. well.#also they're literally the kind of rich i curl my lip at so they can easily own multiple houses in multiple states and just hop to.#'condo in miami' i will bite you.#also maybe not that readily considering the rookie preseason drops but that just fueled his need to prove himself to the city and joe so
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Hey there, GIRLIE!!
Your new anon here, heehee! <3 You can spot me with (😺).
I just wanted to share a bit about my manifestation journey so far! I stumbled upon the LOA and all that manifestation stuff just last month. At first I was like, "This is probably total BS" just like many people! I didn’t pay much attention to it. But then, out of the blue, a little voice inside me went “why not give it a try? You’ve got nothing to lose!” And that’s how my journey began! I started manifesting fun little things—like receiving phone calls and getting my favorite foods, etc. It was such fun!!
Now, I’m super eager to focus on my main desires, especially a big change in my physical appearance from head to toe. I’ve always felt a bit insecure about how I look, and I want to change that! I’m all in for this manifestation journey, but sometimes I get a little down when I hear people say things like, “You can’t just change your appearance by thinking about it,” or “This is BS; you can’t change your genetics.” It can be so demotivating, even though I know deep down that the Law of Manifestation is real!
So, I’m wondering, how can I change my mindset and stay positive? I’d be super grateful for any tips or guidance on manifesting my appearance and changing my beliefs! Thank you so much in advance! 🥺
I’m beyond excited to be your anon and can’t wait to come back with some success stories! Love you tons! <3
- 😺
well hello there 😺 anon! nice to meet you ^^
all the advice i can give rn is to never seek confirmation in this physical world. that'll send you in a loophole. i'm sure you've prolly came across this saying but if not, you're not manifesting for the physical world to change, but to change your inner self/4d. and DONT overconsume 🙏🏽
and that's all the advice you need 💞
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Going into detail about how I feel about all of my friends:
School friends
Gym:
-S: she's nice, but sometimes she says or does something that kinda makes me feel like that wasn't nice or that wasn't necessary and some things about her tick me off but I love her
Socials:
-m: I fucking hate you. I'm only still talking to you cuz I don't want to be alone in that class. You're such a bitch. Every class you call me stupid, and I started acting like I didn't understand your jokes but I do. That one time you called me an ogre? I think about that every time I look in the mirror. Die.
-g: you're so nice. I don't really talk to you but you're chill
Engineering:
-a: you're so funny ily
-m: sometimes you do or say things that annoy me, but you're cool
-a: you're funny and nice.
-j: you're funny and cool
-h: I love talking shit with you and you're so fun to play mobile games with at lunch
Science:
-S: you're such a dick. I'm only friends with you because if I leave you I won't be able to eat lunch with j, and I'll have nobody. But you make mean comments about people and have made me and my friend cry before.
English:
-m: ily you're so nice. I wish I sat beside you so I could talk to you more
-n: you're nice, but your humor hurts me sometimes. You tell me to kms a lot as a joke and sometimes I lowkey debate it
French:
-j: ily. You let me yap about Jeremy and Evan and literally anything I want and you don't really judge
Art and Jewlery:
-t: you're so pretty and kind. Literally trust you sm and I became friends with you in September
-h: sometimes you do things that make me feel like you're not nice, but other than that you're okay
-k: you're nice 👍
-o: you were literally my friend crush for the longest time I love your style and your art
People I eat lunch with:
-a: You're so nice
-a: sometimes you say things I don't agree with, but you're pretty okay
-b: I feel so bad for you when we're talking shit about arianna cuz you're the only one friends with her and none of us really like her
-d: I literally love you so much. You're my best friend. I love your cat and your dog and I love your parents and I feel like I'm a part of your family. I hope we move out together after high school and we blast theater kid music all day and I love calling you and being around you.
Online friends:
Tumblr:
@alchemicalwerewolf
You're so cool and I love talking to you and I love seeing your posts and spamming your ask box
@steph-schuyler
I'm so excited for our art collab. You're so cool
@afireformyheart
I love telling you about all my crushes and I love bugging you about random shit while you're busy
@ilov3b00kss0much
Ik I met you today but I loved talking to you
@th3p0rtalmaker
I love talking to you. Idk what it is it's just so satisfying.
@tatelangdonsgirl
I know we don't really talk anymore but I love seeing your tiktoks. You're so pretty and I really love when we spend all night texting.
All my other tumblr mutuals:
I love seeing your posts. Idc if we don't talk. I love you guys too
Tiktok/snapchat friends:
-E: ily. You're so funny and I love calling you
-N: I don't really know you but I'm glad I met you
-A: you were my best friend for a year straight. I would eat sleep and breathe you. I would wake up thinking about you and go to bed thinking about you. Then you spaced away and wouldn't tell me why. Then you replaced me. And it really hurt. And no matter how much I try, it'll never be the same.
#vent kinda?#i eat lunch with more people but if i already put them in classes i didnt repeat it#thought daughter activities#none of my non tumblr friends have tumblr#sooo#also i have math too as a block but i dont have any friends in it#and i didnt add any ex friends or enemies#but people i currently talk to
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you know, all the stuff about "people want comments because they want community, it's not just about wanting attention and affirmation" is very nice and everything, and definitely true, and certainly sounds better from a "not wanting to look like a needy and/or entitled whiner" perspective but the thing is
sometimes i do just want the attention and affirmation, actually. and i wish that weren't quite so. idk. cringe to admit.
#sometimes i'm like 'i want people to say nice things to me'#and then my own brain comes around with a big hammer that says 'EPIC CRINGE' on it#among other nasty things#anyway.#confessions of a frustrated writer
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#earn sanitada#orm kornnaphat#tsou#the secret of us#the secret of us the series#oh the kicked puppy look#i actually really like this look#not only the disheveled look because [twirls hair]#(okay why is she so attractive here Idk why)#but I'm saying is I love that Earn having more mode than just the super energetic puppy mode#she's so bubbly chirpy oui oui all the time#I'd love to see more sides of her when she has to face reality that ugh perhaps things kinda sucks sometimes#and her being upset is a strange concept for HER#that makes her more human#I love the idea that she ruminates over her action#perhaps she feels bad for reacting that strongly toward Ratee and she's like 'that isnt like me'#or perhaps she's the kind who takes major hit when she found out that people hate her sometimes#Idk but the idea of Earn ruminating over these things is nice#she's defo a deeply deeply flawed character and I want to see her reflecting on herself
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max and i are closing in on launching [redacted sports rpf charity fest] and i am once again pondering how do i write "experience with writing form emails and manipulating google forms in ways no one has dreamed of" in a cover letter without saying "i did it for the rpf grind"...like there's no way unless everyone in this microsoft teams meeting gets really cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly. you know
#IT LITERALLY CAME UP WHILE I WAS WRITING A COVER LETTER A COUPLE WEEKS AGO#AND IT WAS SUCH A BAD COVER LETTER BC IT WAS LIKE. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN BE A VIRTUAL PROGRAMMING MANAGER#I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW I CAME BY THESE SKILLS!!!!#i did not get an interview lmao. but we stay silly#like how do u frame ''community organizer'' when you're organizing. people on the internet to create rpf fanworks. for charity#lmaooooo oh well#me and max locking down our timeline last night and i'm like 😶 the thing i have wanted to do for years is finally happening#the universe tried to smite us multiple times in multiple ways. but we persisted. and it is happening!!!#last night i had to go to the grocery store at 9pm wearing short-shorts and an oversized t-shirt bc i was really like#if i don't get a coke in me right the fuck now i am going to end it all#procured coca-cola. drank it in the parking lot. recovered instantly. got on here and started posting#went to monday night service. last one bc after this week it'll be too late at night in est :(#it was such a nice global community to be apart of. people in 5 countries on four continents showed up almost every week!#not to be christian on main. but i love working with ecumenical organizations because i meet people all over the world#who have different ways of doing church and different interpretations of scripture and different takes on faith#and i always learn so much from people! good and bad lol sometimes it's like wow i will NOT be integrating that into my worldview#yo just under one week until i move 😵💫 i decided i am packing one (1) more box and then saying fuck it we ball#whatever i forgot has to go in the car. i cannot let myself be owned by cardboard boxes any longer#and soon. freedom. new start. new beginnings. someone said ''i hope you look at this as a time of new growth and unfolding'' to me#and i went man. i think i am#like the pine trees that reseed after a forest fire#fresno oilers.txt
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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withdrawn, stoic character having a moment of softness in a fanwork: !!!
withdrawn, stoic character being their usual emotionally unavailable and awkward self in a fanwork: !!!! :)!
#does this make any sense. it's like#neither one is bad. I do still enjoy examples of the first when you want to see some cute indulgent material#but I also really love when a creator pulls back and resists the urge. keeping them IC and frustratingly repressed#this sometimes happens in canon works too#I'm sorry. people who've been following me for a while probably thought they were free of me criticising the mv19 adaptation#but I have something to say again about them having made snufkin too nice from s2 onward#yes his interactions with toffle and the woodies earlier in the series were sweet#yes I like the idea of snufkin being a secretly very nurturing guy despite the rest of his personality#no I didn't actually want to see that from the show. because it was out of character for him to be that overtly sentimental and patient#also I am picky#there are some things you prefer to see only in brief concepts and hypothetical scenarios but not actually in execution/canon. you know?
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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can i just say. i love how almost all of your she/her ocs are amab and have facial hair. like hell yeah!!!! appearance =/= gender!!! this is a compliment
thank you! its really important to me to draw more ocs that are visibly trans, being a trans man that doesn't pass as masc at all and won't for a while lol. drawing characters that aren't visibly transitioned, or characters that don't want to visibly transition, is a very big thing for me, so i'm glad that you like it :-]
#a lot of the time in media with trans people (not very common) all i see are fully transitioned characters#and while i'm not saying that's a bad thing - i think having trans people in media at all is very good#being a pre-everything closeted trans man myself it's very nice to see trans characters that aren't on hrt or have surgery#in addition to that there's also a lack of amab trans characters - or at least any that aren't fully androgynous or fem-presenting#again! not a bad thing#but i think masc trans people - regardless of gender identity - are very important and should be shown more#this probably isnt making sense but im very glad you like it#sometimes i worry that it's coming off as the wrong thing but it's good to hear that people enjoy it + understand what i want to show#this got into a ramble but thank you anon! hearing compliments about this means a lot to me
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full disclosure, writing is probably gonna be a bit sporadic because the demons are winning and my mental health is absolutely horrific right now, and that has been the case for days. i probably won't disappear or stop the hc posts because they're one of the few things i can do easily and give me joy, but until i'm better ic replies will take extra long. i am very much open to plotting or discussing dynamics or yelling about our muses together though, so feel free to jump in my dms or discord any time.
#» out of character — ⌜main sup irl.⌟#don't worry about bothering me or anything. if i'm not in the mood to talk i'll say so#or just not answer#but honestly? with how alone i've been feeling that would be very welcome#just one of those times it feels no one wants you around or even cares if you're there or not 🤧#and not talking to people makes it worse.#sometimes it's just nice to have friends reach out even when they don't know exactly what to say#amd sometimes it helps to just keep myself distracted with other things like plotting or videogames too#but yeah dw i won't bother you w my problems i promise#i post this as i'm finishing an ic reply#iahdishd#but yeah they'll be sporadic#it's just difficult to write when you're feeling like irrepressible thoughts of death barbie 🫡#negative cw#depression cw#for the mention
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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i always like think about maybe taking full body selfies and semi nudes to post and just like. idk. normalize it more and i always go nah idk about that and then i see some absolute cutie rocking it like. hm
idk i have an odd relationship with my weight, because like.... whilr sometimes i have thought, oh man, maybe i'm fat ): i end up choosing not to worry about it. especially bc like my whole life people told me i look just like my mom, and my mom is literally one of the most beautiful people i have ever seen, so it's hard not to like. know i'm pretty
but also?? my mom has awful body dismorphia and absolutely struggled with her appearance and her weight when i was a kid. and it just confused me? bc she's so gorgeous??
but also like fatphobia is ridiculous and i honestly like. am floored by people who are so viscerally fatphobic. i can never forget when i excitedly posted a picture of myself in a bikini on here years ago, bc i was excited about the bikini, and somebody told me i don't have the body for it
and it doesn't really get to me but i can't help but sometimes like
does my girlfriend really not care that i'm fat? a lot of people care about that. does she actually think i'm attractive?
and it may partially be bc my girlfriend is one of the skinniest people i know so maybe like i get worried she might accidentally be like, fatphobic skinny person
or like, to step away from fat for a second but my facial hair? i was bullied for being so hairy as a kid and being afab and people now tell me like aw your beard is cool! or your beard is cute!!
i think i wanna post cute pictures of my body and my face but like hm
i recognize some of this btw may be sex work trauma lol like, needing to look a certain way, knowing less people will want my work if i don't shave or cover up fat
i have no idea where i was gojng with this i have more to say and work out i think but frankly i might take a nap
#discussion of fatphobia#also the real kicker is i find fat very attractive myself and i find myself very attractive as well#but like on occasion i do actually feel a little self conscious about my body#i guess that's pretty normal#idk it's easy to know i'm hot when people have paid for my sexy stuff back in the day#or like the amount of people who want to fuck me lmao#but sometimes i can't help but remember when people would say nice things to me as a fucking joke when i was a teenager#and get a little jnsecure about it#which FEELS REALLY WEIRD#bc i'm not really an insecure person so whenever i DO feel insecure it always really messes with my head
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