#sometimes i wish i can be mean myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ryllen · 11 months ago

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#twisted wonderland #twst #epel felmier #deuce spade #twst meme #twisted wonderland meme #i can't get this out of my mind #i am in awe with how people can be openly evil sometimes #sometimes i wish i can be mean myself #the insane people posts account probably full of nrc students

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ganondoodle · 7 months ago

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a quick doodle, dreaming of gamedev ..

#ganondoodles #art #original art #doodle #i have the beginning sequence in mind so clearly #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #sometimes i wish i could stop thinking about certain things #so i dont waste time and energy on things that arent achieveable for me #not meaning it like self ... making myself look bad or sth #but a somewhat scaled down breath of the wild is not something i can ever make lol #the summer games fest reawakened those dreams again

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in-my-loki-feels · 3 months ago

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Seven Sentence Sunday

Thank you for the tags @elodiah @lokimobius @thosegayoldmen @loki-is-my-kink-awakening and @kcscribbler!

Here I am, answering the call! With what? I don't even know. 🙈 The germ of an idea hit me the other day and my brain has been whirring like a decryption program trying to unlock the rest of it.

“Hey!” Loki was startled out of his shock by Mobius’ shout. Barton had paused in his struggle, breathing heavily in the grip of the TVA agents, but his venomous stare never wavered from Loki. Mobius snapped his fingers at the Minutemen, who jerked to attention. “What are you waiting for? Get him down to Processing, now.” “Yes, sir!” C-9 squeaked and her team began to drag Barton away. He resumed struggling but was forced down the hallway, one halting step at a time. The last glimpse Loki had of Barton was his face in profile, fury and despair present in equal parts.

I feel like everyone has already been tagged (and this may not have broad appeal), so I'll do an open tag today! If you decide to share something, feel free to @ me so I see it. <3

#this is 100% one of those 'just for me' fics lol #the kind i wish someone else would write but i suspect the audience for this is zero so i gotta roll up my sleeves and do it myself #what can i say? i like rare pairs and rare additions to pairs #(if you know what i mean 👀)#loki #mobius #clint barton #wanderingflame wip #sometimes it's fun to share on sundays because you give the barest glimpse of something and then run away XD #seven sentence sunday

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grossillygirl · 2 months ago

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im sad. extremely sad actually yeah. very sad indeedy.

#i am like so alone and sometimes ppl tell me that im not and theyre there for me but like #idk how to explain it #I don't want to talk to anyone or rely on anyone or be vulnerable with anyone because genuinely everyone is fucking mean #and ik thats some victim mindset shit. like usually im fine about it i can handle myself #but sometimes its just like idk :/ i wish ppl could be fucking normal and comforting and hold me and just not make me deal #with their shittyness. like its ok if ur a mean person or u wanna say mean things to me please just shut up and hold me anyway????#like its fine please godddd #i want human connection so badly but i doubt everyone and i never believe anyone and whenever i do its like im a fucking IDIOT #uvvhhghvhgh #guys its just my period coming i guess. im not actually this sad its just my fuckass bitch fuck stupid hormones #ugghhgnbjbjg #i havent made ny bed either. its just the bare mattress (which i find rly gross i always want the cover on it)#and ny clothes and shower items on it #i might just sleep luke this though using my hoodie and a pillow.

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copia · 8 months ago

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i'm going on exam season lockdown as of today, which means no more gifs/edits/anything else because i spend way too much time on them for an engineering student in the trenches lmao. posting this not because i think anybody will notice or care, but so i can hold myself accountable and get embarrassed if i break the pledge. see you on june 3rd for a ghovie creativity extravaganza

edit: besides the ghovie trailer 😭 i cant restrain myself from that one

#actually june 4th because i will be drinking on june 3rd from the moment i close my semiconductors paper #cold turkey on gif making KHBJDGVSCDH RIP #genuinely its such a relaxing thing to do that i find myself prioritising it #and unlike other chill activities it gives me the illusion of productivity #i really need to be getting that from my work and not silly bands #anyway. see u #also in my 4 years of making edits like this in many different circles i've never once felt the need to mention a like/reblog ratio #and i'm fully of the opinion that people can do whatever the hell they like and i never expect interaction #i'm grateful for what i do have #but what primarily motivates me to do this is people sharing their love for whatever is on the post #in the tags or elsewhere #i'm not talking praise or thanks or anything to me i mean 'i love this song' or 'papa looks great here' skdcvkdgvs #'this is my favourite band' u know? it's sharing passion with other people and having them share theirs with me #and in all the 4 years and many many fandoms this (ghost/st) is by far the worst for interaction like that #i'd say ghost especially skhjcsd #and this tag rant isn't a request or a 'please interact more!' or anything like that it's just #a reason as to why i'm a bit discouraged that i'm chatting about to nobody #oh yeah and especially seeing photos posted with no source and no edits get 5x the notes you'd get #the quantity of notes doesn't matter to me but the discussion and tags do #just checked my notes in the middle of typing this and someone rbed some papa ii gifs with #'hope he's steady on his feet the way i would run into him'#KDSGKDSD that's what i'm on about 😭😭😭😭😭#makes me smile knowing something i posted made somebody feel joy abt a silly band and then shared that with me through the tags #i'm aware i've been here for just over one month so shouldn't be making judgements just yet #but sometimes i wish there was more of that

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malkaleh · 11 months ago

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I need to make a list of reasons to continue to be here on this earth and forgive me, I’m doing this on tumblr because it seems to help (feel free to skip)

[redacted private Jewish Thing]

more swimming to do

rings of power season two

need to leave flowers for Anne Boleyn in England

have to get some more pretty dresses

might make people sad

listen someone has to have a bisexual crisis over Natalie Dormer and James Frain Lil

promised yourself chocolate chip cookies

taylor swift album

the cup of tea you are going to make

????

writing your fanfiction

promised

#i just feel so so tainted and dirty at the moment #between the antisemitism #and the fact that i feel like my entire trauma is clearly just abusive to have in general let alone depict in fiction #and also that i have to make an effort to type I there #also being on my period does not help #i just feel like garbage #i think i will try taking a nap #and not delete my tumblr or myself #i promised so i won’t and i need to affirm to myself but g-d #i know my trauma is absolutely too heavy for people and i entirely understand this now (wish i had before)#and i have a therapist and meds and stuff i just…sometimes unfortunately i need to vent here #but it means people can skip #child prostitution/incest survivor fun times

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months ago

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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper #Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed #with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi #all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement #english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS #where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to #like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect #score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol #I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret #meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you #get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized #speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea #ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different #ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one #liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate #in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since #I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small #character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility #question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju #t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually #is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so #is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i #2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have #SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and #talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem #harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically #just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl #in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for #Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol

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depresseddepot · 3 months ago

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really in the trenches tonight gang

#and by trenches i mean i am once again thinking of my dead twin #or more specifically how genetically i am both myself AND my twin #you can't see it clearly on people the way you can on animals but which parts of my body were grown for them and not for me #i have a spot on my leg without any melanin and a birthmark on my back that's the exact same size #which of those are mine? are either of them mine?#whose brain is this?#i know none of this is really how chimerism works but sometimes being philosophical is the only way i know how to feel #it is such a bizarre sense of self to have lived two decades and only THEN learned that #a) you were supposed to be a twin and b) you ARE your twin #would they have been autistic too? would they have liked me #and i will never know! i will never know any of that! and it drives me fucking crazy #and i feel like i am supposed to be living for both of us and instead I'm just wasting two lives at once!#i wish i didn't have to work so much #vent

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orcelito · 1 year ago

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Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.

Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.

Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.

It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...

This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.

I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.

#speculation nation #itnl shit #didnt mean to write this much about the concept but i really am so...#jealous almost. id love to be able to read my fic as a reader.#because it's tailor made to my tastes Exactly.#and i know it's good writing. i surprise myself even sometimes with how good things end up.#it's never a doubt in my mind that i'll make things good. even the harder things . while bringing trepitation . i know i'll figure them out.#the relationship a fic writer has with their own fic is so... yeah. intimate. but still somehow emotionally removed.#but thats how it goes with any art piece i think #the creator sees all the bits and pieces that went into it. remembers the thoughts as they made it #they know their work better than Anyone Else. but they'll never be able to experience it like an outsider.#is my fic helping someone through a rough breakup? is it something someone rereads when theyre sad?#is it a fic that people stay up way too late reading? the fic that someone discovers and consumes all within a day?#that voracious love. ive experienced it many times with other fics. but i can never experience it with my own.#but in the end. that's okay. i will just continue to do as i wish with it. and maybe people will continue to like it.#it is my goal to make a fic that people will never forget. what that may mean differs depending on the person.#i want it to be the best fic it can be. and i will make it so with every brick i lay down.#puttering about for days and weeks and months. it's Most of what i think about. it's my impact on the world.#and it's sitting for 3 hours after work in the storage room writing until im shivering but Satisfied with a productive writing session #it's writing some of my most emotional scenes while sitting for an hour on the toilet #no one else knows what the toilet written scenes are. but I Do. such is my relationship with my fic.#(the focus in the Quiet Rooms cannot be underestimated. the bathroom is indeed one of the Quiet Rooms lol)#& man. ive rambled so much now. but i just love my fic so very much #i'll never be an ITNL reader. and that's okay. because i'm its writer. & that's a status that No One Else can boast.#even those people who state that it's their Favorite favorite cant rival the intimacy of my own relationship with it.#I Am Its Writer and that means so very much to me.#i... really do love my fic y'all

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roaringroa · 3 months ago

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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask #december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery #and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc #and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh #every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night #oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes #and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester #and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu #oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well #and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also #pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc #so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal #honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know #like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc #but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated #also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm #is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is #incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship #so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year #at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately #i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new #my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper #and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been #like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare #idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling #and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa

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oh-meow-swirls · 8 months ago

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was looking through old posts and i'm surprised to see that i seemingly didn't have any commentary on anything in 3 in chapter 7, 8 or 9, the posts related to 3's story go from "my first reaction when i saw yopple-bot was 'i love you. but also you are definitely the boss for this chapter-'" to "i have been in hell all day. hell being bada-bing tower." funny to me cuz those chapters are like, the best ones sdfkljsdfjfsdkjlfsdjkl-