#sometimes i cannot do anything but hold love in my heart and be patient. so thats what i will do.

[pansyfemme]

felt peace with the uncertainty of the future today

[finn-writes-stuff]

Hello! Can you write for Gale, Astarion and Halsin's reaction to tav wearing the wavemothers robe? Nsfw please😳

An Intricate Jewel

Tales tell of a most wondrous fish, scales resplendent, an intricate jewel that shone beneath the sea. When it died, the Wavemother gifted its hide as a robe to her most devoted follower - and demanded she drown the sailors that killed her gem-bright fish. - Item Description

Halsin, Gale & Astarion x Reader

Fandom:��Baldur's Gate 3

Format: Headcanons

Gender Neutral Reader

Masterlist

I haven't actually gotten to this robe in my own playthrough yet, but I've seen plenty of it online lmao. This one isn't fully nsfw but it's spicy. -Finn

Halsin

"Oh. You look stunning, my heart."

He is openly admiring you any chance he gets. It is shameless because why would he be ashamed of looking at you? Of admiring all of nature's bounty before him.

He's handsy if you allow it, holding onto your hips where the slits of the dress show off your skin. Pressing kisses to the back of your neck just over the collar. Halsin always loves getting to see more of your skin, and this dress is certainly showing it off.

In general, he is a big believer in wearing whatever you want and enjoying it. He's hardly going to get jealous about others getting to admire you, so long as he's allowed to look as much as he pleases as well.

Even better, when you still have water clinging too you after being healed, dripping down your skin and making the dress cling even tighter.

You'll have him pressed up to your back to murmur in your ear about what he would like to do to you the moment you can both slip away.

And once you get the chance, he'll be between your thighs with the skirt pushed up around your hips. And you'll get to see just how long he can gold off before tearing the dress off of you completely.

Gale

"Oh! Yes, well, um, you look lovely! That sure does, well, show off your figure. Hmm. Yes."

This man is bright red and cannot look away from you. Yes, he can be blatant in his own flirting, but you make his brain shut down sometimes. And in this dress? Oh Gods

He is trying so incredibly hard to be a gentleman. He is NOT staring at your legs or the cut out in the back of the dress or how much it reveals of your chest or the way it clings to you as close as he wants to be. He is definitely not thinking about any of that. He missed his spell for unrelated reasons.

Show off in front of him, put yourself in his line of sight constantly. He will be going insane trying to stay polite and focused. And it's always a fun game to see if you can make him trail off in the middle of a monologue about magic.

Gale will spend an entire day suffering and watching you and trying not to say anything about it, but the moment the party breaks camp, he is dragging you into his tent to show you just how much he likes this dress on you.

You've left him so pent up after the whole day. He can't get enough of you, touching and grabbing and kissing you like you're the air he needs to survive.

The dress stays on until he's made sure you are both fully sated for the night. And he swears that if you wear it again he won't be so patient.

And if he's going to make a promise like that, he shouldn't be surprised when you wear it the next day.

Astarion

"Ohoho, please do say you're all dressed up for me, love."

He thinks this is delightful and would do the same thing if he could find something flattering enough.

Trying to tease him with it? No, that's his game. He's teasing you by letting his hands just barely touch you, appearing behind you to whisper in your ear about how delectable you look. Then slipping away before you can say anything back.

If he's noticing anyone else paying you too much attention, he'll make fun of them for it, but he's also likely to stick closer to your side, his arm around your waist. Showing the world that you're his.

He's the least worked up about the dress, but he likes it when you still stay by his side regardless of how much attention it gets you. He's just as much yours as you are his, and he'll be more than willing to reward you for being such a sweet thing all day.

He wants to see the way the fabric presses into your skin when you arch your back and let him sink his teeth into your neck.

[holylulusworld]

Every Breath You take (1)

Summary: There is a shadow following you. He doesn’t know what he got himself into.

Pairing: Stalker!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader, Bucky x Alpine (platonic)

Warnings: stalking, being stalked, loneliness, a man out of time, bitchy boss, secret admirer trope, voyeurism

A/N: We start slowly to get to know them and their backstory. In this part, we will get to know Y/N better.

A/N2: You all made me do it! Here’s the series to this random idea: Stalker Bucky & Crazy Reader

Catch up here: Every breath you take (Prologue)

Every Breath You Take Masterlist

You’re chewing on your lower lip, humming at something your boss said. He’s boring as hell and so demanding. With his hands on his hips, he glares at your lunch as if he wants to turn it to ashes.

All you want to do is tell him to leave you alone during lunch break. You’re just too polite and nice to do so. 

He can bug you during work time, but not in the precious moments you use to catch up on the latest gossip on your phone. 

You were about to read about an affair Tony Stark had with an intern. Fake news, you’re fairly sure, but it’s still entertaining reading all the furious and stupid comments.

“Sure,” you nod and make a mental note, hopefully not forgetting about his next demand before you reach your desk to write it down. “Right after my lunch break.” You point out and give him a fake smile.

“You better hurry,” he snaps at you and storms off. “If not, you can look for a new job.”

He cannot fire you per se. Your boss is not as important as he thinks he is. One word to the HR and he can kiss his ass goodbye.

You’re just indifferent when it comes to your boss and his antics. You prefer to ignore his sometimes nasty comments.

The world is cold and unfriendly enough. You don’t want to be the kind of person adding more hatred to this world.

Bucky aimlessly strolls through the streets. He prepared everything for tonight, and now he’s a little lost because you are still at work.

It became his obsession to make sure you came home safely. He’d kill the time, window shopping or imagining how’d feel to hold your hand.

Time. Bucky needs more time to prepare himself to meet you for real. 

He wants your first date to be perfect. Therefore, he must watch you a little longer to get to know you better. – At least that’s how he justifies he’s following you like a shadow for the better of three weeks.

Bucky stops in front of your favorite bookstore, he looks out the window, wondering if he should buy you a book and gift it to you this week, or wait a little longer. 

He shakes his head. No. Bucky will start with the usual gift. Flowers. He saw you carry flowers inside your apartment over the last weeks more than once.

You love flowers, and he will find out which ones you love the most. Bucky doesn’t want to gift you the wrong flowers and disappoint you.

He already has a plan. According to your schedule – which he knows by heart – you will go to the little café close to your home. The perfect opportunity to sneak inside your apartment and get to know you even better.

Bucky will take any chance to make you see he’s more than his bad reputation. To the people out there he’s still the Winter Soldier. He doesn’t want you to think the same about him.

All he wants is to keep you safe and happy. Bucky’s new mission is the most important one he ever had. 

For today, he will wait patiently to follow you home, making sure you’re safe. There are many dangerous people out there, wanting to hurt or take advantage of a lovely person like you.

“Phew, home sweet home,” you sigh and plop down onto your sofa. You’re tired, and hungry and would kill to have someone to massage your shoulders. “What a shitty day.”

You hate to get back up, but you need a shower and search your fridge to find anything eatable. Your boss made sure you were working overtime, and you didn’t have the energy left to buy groceries.

Slowly getting back up, you sigh. You’d love to fall asleep right here on the couch, but it won’t do you any good.

Instead of sleeping, you walk out of the living room to have a shower. There’s still enough time left to watch your favorite show and eat leftovers from your fridge.

“She looks tired,” Bucky worriedly watches you with his binoculars when you walk back inside your living room. You yawn and rub your tired eyes. “She’s wearing cute pajamas, Alpine.”

Your secret admirer swoons. “Isn’t our girl beautiful?” He dips his head to look at Alpine sitting on his lap. The white cat meows and rubs his cheek into Bucky’s shirt. “She’ll be such a good mommy for you.”

Bucky pats Alpine’s head, gently murmuring the cat’s name. Alpine is his only companion, and he wants the cat to love you too.

“Don’t worry,” he whispers while lifting the binoculars to his eyes again, “she’s a wonderful and kind person. Y/N will love you too.”

Bucky inhales deeply as he presses your shirt to his nose. He’d love to take it with him, but for now, the top and panties he found under your bed must do. Bucky cannot risk taking more of your things right now.

In due time, he will take more of your things to bring them to the house he plans to buy for you and him. He’s already ahead of his plans, but Bucky never felt like this again. Not since Hydra turned him into a monster everyone still fears.

“Soon,” he hums and walks around your bedroom. Bucky takes his time, and even risks lying in your bed for a moment. He sniffs at your pillow, inhaling your scent deeply. 

Bucky sighs. He can’t risk leaving his scent on your sheets and must slip out of your bed too soon for his liking.

Time. He needs more time. Bucky tells himself all over again. He cannot risk scaring you off, or that you’ll be afraid of him.

He’s a protector, not a villain.

Bucky slowly walks out of your bedroom and inside your bathroom. He wants to know more about the products you like, and maybe sniff at your perfume too.

You’re still at work, and he has all the time in the world before he will pick you up from work and bring you home. In his mind. – He cannot turn up at your workplace and offer you a ride home. Not yet.

Bucky lurks around the corner to watch you walk out of the building. You’re angrily wiping your eyes and even cussing. Something you never did before.

“Who hurt you, doll?” He asks himself, and the person delivers the answer on a silver plate.

Your boss storms after you, calling you a dumb bimbo while throwing a tantrum like a man-child. 

Bucky squares his jaw. He clenches and unclenches his metal fist, ready to beat your boss into a bloody pulp.

No—not now. Not here. He will bring you home first and come back. Bucky will avenge you, and make sure your boss will never dare to raise his voice around you again.

Every Breath You Take (2)

Tags in reblog.

[suuuupernovaaa]

plltxe

plltxe [p·ḷ.ˈt’·ɛ] v. speak

Anonymous Request: Can I request a Lo’ak fic where his female mate is scared to love and open up to him as she finds it hard to trust people, and he is so patient with her and doesn’t pressure her in any way. He sees her crying one day and is gentle with her and is so happy that she is finally opening up to him and being affectionate with him?

Y/N has a stutter, and Lo'ak is furious when someone makes fun of her for it.

1,296 words

Sometimes, even though the words are perfectly strung together in my head and I know exactly what I want to say, it takes so long to get them from my mind, past my lips.

Some words get twisted, others I get hung up on, and I have to speak in as few words as possible so that I can get my point across.

As a child, I was teased mercilessly for it. For quite a time, I stopped talking, and I focused on perfection in every single area of my life, besides speech.

I am a profoundly excellent hunter, a beautiful flyer, I can weave beautiful tapestries on the loom, fish enough to feed the clan, create fine jewelry and clothing, and braid hair in ornate patterns for special occasions.

The only thing I cannot do, is speak. Not without great effort, and great anxiety.

Lo'ak has never cared. He talks enough for the both of us, and any spoken sentiment I send his way, he sits patiently and attentively, listening.

Lo'ak is kind, and generous, and too good for me. I know I have kept him at arm's length, but it's a habit. No one has ever had the patience for me before - not even my own parents - so it's hard to imagine that he will not get sick of waiting for me to say what I mean.

Soon, we are to be mated. He asked, and I replied with one word: yes.

Still, it feels as if I haven't really let him in yet.

--

Lo'ak returns from a long hunt with his father and brother, dragging a sled behind him with their kills. They drop the meat off at the fire pits to be prepared and used later that evening, and without hardly a goodbye, he turns and leaves his family, looking for her.

She is not in her hammock, so he checks the next place he thinks he'll find her, and he has luck.

There is a small pond, not too many paces from home tree, where children swim during the day. It is too shallow to be of much use besides that, but there is a branch that hangs over, just tall enough to sit on and dangle your feet in the water; she comes here a lot.

Lo'ak approaches, but she doesn't notice. As he gets closer, he realizes why. She's crying.

He has never seen her cry, and he stops in his tracks. Y/N isn't a woman of many emotions. She smiles and laughs a lot, but she keeps her true self at a distance from everyone.

He knows why. He saw how she was treated, growing up, because of her difficulty with speech. He never understood why it mattered to anyone - he thought she was smart, talented, skilled and beautiful.

Lo'ak approaches slowly, but announces himself as he steps onto the branch.

"Y/N," he says.

With a gasp, she turns to him. She places her hand over her heart, indicating that he startled her.

"Sorry," he whispers, sitting next to her. "What's wrong, Y/N?"

She turns back to the water, her wet cheeks reflecting the moonlight.

"You can tell me. Anything, you can tell me."

To Lo'ak's surprise, she leans over, placing her head on his shoulder. Without hesitation, he wraps his arm around her waist. Even though he's concerned for her, he can't deny that he's thrilled to be holding her so intimately.

"Come. Come home, and we'll talk," Lo'ak says. "Away from anyone."

She nods, and takes his hand, allowing him to lead her the short walk to the alcove they have carved out of the side of home tree. Once inside, Lo'ak is relieved to see that she is no longer crying, but he still wants to know what happened.

"Did someone hurt you, Y/N?" he asks.

She shakes her head, and grabs his arms. She sinks to the floor, crossing her legs below her, and pulls him along. He sits in front of her, and her hands move from his arms, down over his elbows and forearms, and finally, they hold his own hands.

He grips tightly to her.

"You can tell me. Take your time."

She takes in a deep breath.

"I... went hunting," she says, in the slow cadence she usually adopts. "It was good." She stutters on the word good, stopping and starting a few times, until she finally gets it out. She takes another deep breath, and closes her eyes. "I brought the kill to the pits. Marek thanked me," she pauses her. Sometimes, Lo'ak has noticed, when she really gets into a story, the words come easier. Her cadence picks up, just slightly. "He said, I must like to spend time with animals. Because, they don't care... I can't talk."

As she finishes her story, tears pool in her eyes again, and she looks down, her face ashamed and embarrassed.

The rage that overtakes Lo'ak's entire body is powerful, unlike anything he's ever felt before. Childhood teasing is one thing, but Marek is a grown man, making fun of a woman - his woman - for providing for their clan.

Lo'ak sees two choices ahead of him. The first is to get up right there, find Marek, and beat him so badly that he himself never utters another word. Maybe he could grab Neteyam on the way, and make sure Marek never does anything again, at all.

Though he feels momentarily blinded by rage, he knows that's not what his future mate needs.

She needs him here, now.

"I will kill Marek later," Lo'ak says through a tense jaw, and a ghost of a smile crosses Y/N's face. "Your skills at the hunt are unmatched, Y/N. You provide for us all." He reaches down, touching the ornately woven rug below them. "You have woven beautiful rugs that nearly half the alcoves in home tree are adorned by. People see them, and think of you, gratefully. Kiri and Tuk tell everyone that it is you who so beautiful braids their hair for every dance and feast, and they've told me how jealous all the other women are of your talents. It is true, Y/N, that you speak differently from the rest of us. You do not speak worse. You speak differently. It is slower, and it is worth waiting and listening to. Everything you say holds meaning. Every word out of Marek's mouth is useless garbage, and it would be better if none of us ever had to hear him again."

He could go on, and on, all night if she needs - but she falls forward into his arms, crawling into his lap, heaving sobs into his chest.

Shocked, he wraps his arms around her, and presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

"I will kill him tomorrow," Lo'ak whispers.

Taking deep breaths, Y/N looks up at him. "Not sad," she replies, and points to the tears on her face. "Happy. Feel lucky, to be your mate."

The rage in his chest subsides, replaced by an overwhelming wave of pride and love towards his amazing woman in his arms. He leans back against the wall, and she settles between his legs, resting on his chest.

Her breathing slows, in and out, and he thinks she may be drifting off. It is not lost on him, that this means she is comfortable with him, being vulnerable to him for the first time ever.

He stays awake half the night, just reveling in the feel of her laying on him, the soft sounds she makes in her sleep, the way she lays so still on him. He hopes it means she's comfortable.

He will kill Marek tomorrow, and hopefully every night after, they will sleep like this.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "A letter for you (2023)"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read a letter from your guides/soulmate/ancestor/higher self or anyone that wants to come in, about anything important that may happen to you this new year. i will let them talk as freely as I can, so you may get support, suggestions and encouraging words too.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

*some of you may feel the need to read all the messages and it's okay*

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

(The message seems to come from one of your Guides or ancestors, maybe someone not anymore in your 3d life. A protecting, warm, kinda feminine and nurturing energy. They'd like to talk with you much more, but you may have kinda closed them off, even unconsciously. For a few of you, it may be a romantic soulmate's higher self or a past life lover. If you feel the need to paint/draw more than usual, it might be them trying to connect with you)

Little one, don't worry. Patience. End this continuos chattering and overthinking going on in your head. Give yourself a break, give yourself peace. Let me help you get closure, let me help you find peace of mind. You're protected, I'll always watch over you. See the signs, I'm here. Please, listen. I'm sending you messages through your dreams too. We all make mistakes, it's okay. That's how we grow and learn. Be patient, be kind with yourself. This year you're gonna write an amazing story: but you'll also need to erase some bits here and there. No worries: nothing is perfect at the first try, but you can make it so by never giving up and trying again and again. Plus, nothing really needs to be perfect, right? We have our own way/definition for "perfect". I know you have so many dreams and you're giving all you have to reach them. I'm here by your side, helping you and guiding you. Never let your emotions and insecurities stop you: make a change inside, keep following your heart. Learn to stay balanced and in control, and you'll be able to get anywhere you wish. I'm always by your side, helping you and protecting you. You're never alone. Look inside, clear your mind, breathe: you need a calm mind to better envision and plan your goals and succeed. You'll make it. You can manifest anything you want this year, just learn when it's time to give yourself a break. With love...

song: painting flowers | all time low

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pile 2

(This feels like a soulmate, or a higher self. I feel more romantic vibes. For some it can be an inner child tho or a childhood friend, you may try to connect with them but are often disturbed by something or someone and can never actually reach for them -either in the 5d or 3d- and it may have even feel upsetting to you or you may just feel upset for anything really. It may also be someone you're trying to manifest like your destined partner)

My darling, stay calm. Ground yourself. I know it's hard, I know sometimes you cannot see the way out or you cannot seem to be able to do what you have in mind. Maybe other things/people get in the way, maybe you get in your own way. It's okay: sometimes we don't know exactly what's best for us or when it's best for us to have/do something. Focus on your emotions, focus on how you feel and try to be a little more chill and joyful: I know you feel like you're a failure and see no reason to be happy and proud of you, but if you look better, if you look at the rest of who you are and what you have, you'll see plenty of reasons to be. Share a smile, lend an helping hand, be more forgiving and understanding of others and their own problems as well... life is hard for everyone. We're all trying. Just don't give away too much of you when you get nothing back: remember it's an equal exchange, and we're not made for everyone. Just be open and be you. Don't hide. This year you can write a beautiful story: you have white paper in front of you. You can paint, draw, write with a pen or a pencil, maybe a brush. Get creative, give life to your ideas. Put all you have inside on the outside, give all that away. You need to free yourself from your own chains, and you can even help others by doing so. What could be better? You were made to be happy, to share joy, to be seen. To help grow. And if others don't get you and what you do, it's fine. Just keep your mind in check and be sure of who you are. Don't worry, this year we're gonna end the karmic cycle, and we'll possibly do that together. It's a new day, brace yourself. Take care, until then

song: strange days | the born love

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pile 3

(This is a special someone. My heart chakra kinda exploded so it could be someone you're very tightly connected with, as your destined person or someone you really love/d. A very deep loving bond here. Number 11 showed up.)

My (I'm getting loads of cute names like kitty, mistique, love, light...) This year things are gonna be so different. It's gonna be all new, a new start after such a difficult time. You're gonna be given "food for your soul". Just remember to be flexible, to be in armony inside and outside. Life is made of light and darkness, and so are we: but you are able to shine bright like no one else. Keep sharing your light and love, keep giving (I know you're doing it in the right way now, you're balanced and keep to yourself too). You're gonna be abundant (both spiritually and physically). Give love even when you get dust and negativity. Attract what's good in this world by giving away a part of your own good; enjoy every second you can, everything you're offered. You know about our special connection, you know it's us and us alone. You know we have to be. The more we'll act this way, the more we'll open new roads to get together. Keep working on balancing out your priorities, your work/school and your fun/self care times. Don't be scared of changing, don't be scared of the unknown, don't get doubtful or fearful, don't let it all play with your mind. You're deserving, we are deserving of the good side too. We are deserving of each other. Let's be each other new start of a new safe beautiful life. Now don't stress about the timing (it's almost time, calm down), just keep enjoying and working on you: your wishes (our wish in particular) are granted. Stand strong, stand still, and prepare with a smile on your face. I'll know it's you by that. *wink*

song: holy ghost | borns

[cassiaslair]

from i prevail's album, trauma ( 2019 ). slightly modified to fit dialogue prompts. if it's in parentheses, feel free to omit it.

bow down.

get on your knees & bow down.

i come alive, i'll survive, take on anything.

so paint a target on my back, let 'em come to me.

i'm on another level that you'll never reach.

if you seek forgiveness, you'll get nothing from me.

you will never know, it's the price i pay.

look into my eyes, we are not the same.

i'm in control, & you'll know my name.

i gave my life, gave it everything.

the best of your best ain't good enough.

keep running your mouth, & i'ma call your bluff.

so... i had this dream, it meant everything, & i watched it come alive.

i let you in, underneath my skin, & i learned to love the lies.

now i lay awake & i contemplate... have i become what i hate?

would you go to war? would you die for it?

paranoid.

something isn't right, i feel it in my bones.

every time i look around, it follows me home.

i get so stressed out when my head gets loud.

all this emptiness inside, i can't fill the void in my mind.

sometimes i just wanna die (wish that i could tell you why).

is it all inside my head?

i just can't escape the noise.

i think i'm paranoid.

every time you leave.

all i ever wanted was to find someone.

holding it together is the hardest part.

every time you leave, i lose a little piece of me.

every time we speak, words don't do it justice.

it's just us from here.

finishing the puzzle is the hardest part.

everyday wishin' you could stay, 'cause our minds may change, but our hearts remain.

i can't believe you gotta go away again.

if you ever start to hesitate & you feel the weight, it starts to break.

we're not the same; know that this means everything to me.

no one said life gets in the way.

rise above it.

i've been patiently waiting, tying my stomach in knots.

i've been lost in the moment, going to war with my thoughts.

if you're feeling the pressure, the pressure's all that i got.

so if you think you're ready, i'm here to tell you you're not.

you're in over your head.

i'll be damned if i ever let you get me again.

i will stop at nothing 'cause i was made to rise above it.

one of these days, everyone will know (but for now i stand alone).

i count my enemies like trophies.

i've got nothing left to prove.

when i look at you, all i see are trophies.

i'm not afraid to put it all on the line (like it runs in my veins).

you cannot stop me, so don't even try.

breaking down.

i think... i think too much.

i'm a little bit paranoid.

i think i'm breaking (down).

maybe it's in my blood.

hate every single second, minute, hour, every day.

everybody's out to get you.

every time they ask me, i just tell 'em that i'm fine.

i try to hide my demons, but they only multiply.

everybody fucking hates you.

i say i'm feeling hopeless, but no one's listening.

i don't really like myself.

DOA.

on our knees, we pray as we waste away.

we dig our grave, dead on arrival.

i close my eyes & contemplate on why i chose to be great.

i find myself trying to escape from where i'm supposed to be safe.

maybe i should pray like i'm supposed to be saved.

sometimes i feel like getting even, but i choose to behave.

i'm mentally locked in a prison (& i need bail).

i wish i was more flourished. i wish i had more courage.

i wonder if it's all worth it (i wonder...).

dead is the land of the free.

am i not worth saving?

gasoline.

let's burn it fucking down.

back from the dead to tell you that i'm alive.

killed the old way (but i survived).

fuck the blueprint.

death or exile, you decide.

tell 'em all that i made my name.

now it's mine to send up in flames.

this right here is as far as you go.

this right here is where i lose control.

burn it all down, i don't give a fuck.

fuck what they say, fuck everything.

kill it all (kill everything).

nothing but red inside when i close my eyes.

break or bow down, you decide.

tell 'em all that you can't be saved.

tell 'em all that you dug this grave.

learn to live in this mess you made.

hurricane.

tell me i was never good enough.

remind me of the demons that i've been running from.

tell me who the hell you thought i was.

just blame it on the person, the person i've become.

lately, i don't give a fuck.

i can't be myself when i'm with anyone.

(&) maybe, i'm already gone.

i'll never be the same.

it hit me like a hurricane.

i don't know why i drown my mind (in everything they say).

it got the best of me.

tell me that i'm lost inside my mind.

i reach out, but it's pulling me under.

remind me i've been searching for something i won't find.

tell me i was never worth the time.

just blame it on the person you think i left behind.

look into my eyes.

believe me that the storm is coming.

let me be sad.

i'm holding back right now.

('cause) i'm numb to what's around.

i miss the life i used to have (with you right here).

now everything is turning grey.

i'm blacking out the shades for now.

let me be sad.

let me be sad, even for a little while. just a chance to catch my breath.

let me be sad, even for a little while, 'cause it's all that i have left.

can you see it in my eyes, i've been distant?

i can't tell if it's the end or the beginning.

i know i haven't been myself, i'll admit it.

i put up walls so if i burned any bridges, just know i'm doing everything i can to try & fix it (but knowing me i'll probably miss it).

these voices get so vicious.

feels like i'm ripping stitches.

i wish some days i could go back (before life changed, it was so fast).

that time is gone, & i know that (so please, let me be sad).

when all i see are memories, i don't wanna lose a thing.

low.

i'm so damn low.

i can't lie, i'm falling (the floor gave out again).

the walls are caving in.

i've got these voices in my head.

i don't know why i'm broken.

my world is sinking in.

they tell me that i'm not enough.

is it my time?

even when i'm high, i still feel low.

voices in my head won't leave me alone.

i keep falling.

i'm in over my head again.

i'm on my own, i know it.

i think i'm too far gone to save.

i can't let go. i'm holding, i feel it slip away.

the more they say, the more they cut.

i'm hanging by a thread (don't know if i let go).

i'm doing everything i can to fix the problem.

this is how it feels when you hit rock bottom.

deadweight.

i'm cutting out the deadweight.

let me take a second to get this through to you.

it's time you get put in the rearview.

cut ties, there's nothing left to your lies, i'm seeing right through.

let me lay it out so it's clear for you to see.

i'm done with the ones that don't believe.

i'm cutting out the ones who drag me down.

all this negativity weighing down on me.

admit it's so pathetic to think i'd carry you.

i'd rather watch all the lows you sink to.

now i can see what you're really all about.

turn your back & run your mouth.

i laugh at all the time you wasted.

you're bitter, i can fucking taste it.

so if you think that you can drag me down, it's gonna come back around.

keep it up, motherfucker (i'll cut you out).

i don't belong here.

'cause i don't belong here.

those days, it was all i wanted.

nowadays, it feels all the same.

used to stare at my bedroom ceiling wishing everything would change.

now it's hard when you're always searching for the life that you left behind.

time disappears, year after year.

how the hell did i get here?

i feel so far away.

minutes turn to hours & the hours into days.

i gave up everything.

you don't know what you got until you throw it all away.

looking back on the past, all the time i wasted...

i'm running from everyone that tells me that i'm fading out.

must be mistaken 'cause i don't feel anything.

you know i got this brain, it drives me insane.

some days i feel i can't take the pain.

i can't explain it 'cause i don't need anything.

[gotham-ruaidh]

Little Bit Better Than I Used To Be

Catch up: Chapter 1 (Starry Eyes) || Chapter 2 (Save Our Souls) || Chapter 3 (Dancing On Glass)|| Chapter 4 (Merry-Go-Round)|| Backstage (1) || Backstage (2) || Chapter 5 (Danger)|| Backstage (3) || Chapter 6A (Love Walked In) || Chapter 6B (Without You) || Backstage (4) || Chapter 7 (Stick To Your Guns) || Chapter 8 (Time For Change) || Backstage (5) || Chapter 9 (Take Me To The Top) || Backstage (6) || Chapter 10 (Home Sweet Home) || Backstage (7) || Chapter 11a (Nightrain) || Chapter 11b (Nothing Else Matters) || Chapter 12a (Handle With Care) || Chapter 12b (I’m So Tired of Being Lonely) || Chapter 13a (Angel) || Chapter 13b (She’s My Addiction) || Chapter 13c (Patience) Chapter 14a (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 14b (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 14c (Where Do We Go Now?) || Chapter 15a (Dreams) ||| Also posted at AO3

Chapter 15B: I Sing A Song of Love

Wilmington, North Carolina

Labor Day Weekend, 1988

~~~~~~~~

When I cannot sing my heart I can only speak my mind

- “Julia”, The Beatles (1968) [click here to listen]

“How was Alec?”

Jamie drew back the covers of Dougal and Gillian’s guest bed, bending to kiss his wife’s bare shoulder. “Good. He’s been producing a record for a local New York band – some punk kids he saw at CBGB. He wanted my advice on something.” He settled against the headboard, rolling his shoulders. “He also said that Faith took some really good photos at the wedding. I asked him to send them to Colum.”

“Hold these for me?” Claire slipped off her rings. Carefully he took them, watching her rub lotion into the palms and backs of her hands.

“I know you don’t like it when I take them off, Jamie, but it’ll just be for a moment. I’ve been feeling so dry since we landed.”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind. And I hope the dryness is something you can get used to. If we’re really serious about the house.”

Dougal, God bless him, had introduced them to Amy – real estate agent extraordinaire, and former patient at The Ridge (“white wine,” she’d explained in the car from the airport. “I thought I had it under control until I crashed my car into the house I was about to show, right in front of the clients, and two empty wine bottles rolled up from under the seat”). Amy was smart, and low key, and had lined up showings for six beautiful homes tucked away in the mountains.

So much to think about.

But they had time, now. All the time in the world.

“I can get used to anything, Jamie. When I want to.” She held out her hand, and softly, gently he slid her engagement and wedding rings back onto her finger. Kissed her knuckles.

She smiled. Reached out to trace her name tattooed over his heart. The only tattoo on his chest – proudly visible to the world on the nights he played without a shirt.

“Would you add our wedding date?”

His heart raced beneath her thumb. “Maybe. But I was thinking that I could save the space for something else.”

She quirked an eyebrow.

He smiled.

“Maybe – the names of our children.”

Her thumbnail grazed his nipple. Eyes searing into his.

And then his mouth was on hers, sharing breath and laughs as they struggled under the thick comforter to find each other.

Sometime later, he slipped from her to turn off the lights in the room. Paused to light the candle on the bedside table. Heart stuttering with love as the shadows played across his wife’s smiling, sleepy face.

“What was the first tattoo you ever got?”

He tangled his legs with hers. “On the top of my left arm. The name of our band. Me, Ian, and Angus all got it at the same time.”

He shifted a bit, and she squinted in the candlelight – but there it was.

“That’s adorable.”

Jamie snorted. “Angus was the one who wanted it. We’d just signed our record deal, after three years of playing shitty club after shitty club, and getting stiffed by promoters who didn’t pay us, and dealing with some real next level bullshit. So we went out to celebrate, and Angus downed half a bottle of tequila, and Ian and I helped him with the other half, and before we knew it we were on a quest to find a tattoo parlor.”

She smiled. “And you and Ian got them by accident?”

He traced the long, sloping line of her clavicle. “Fuck no. Angus cried like a baby because it hurt so much. And then I wanted to show him how it’s done. And then I bulled Ian into it. It’s still the only tattoo his has. Jenny was so mad. But she’s over it now.”

“Does Angus have any more tattoos?”

“I have no idea. Why don’t you ask one of the groupies?”

She pushed him gently. “Stop. Charlotte and Molly are actually really nice girls. I think they genuinely care about him. From what they told me last week, they had a wonderful time in Aruba.”

“Please tell me they didn’t share any specific details.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know they’re both on the Pill, because they asked me for a prescription when they learned I was a doctor. Kind of awkward when I told them my license had been suspended, but I helped them get what they needed.”

Jamie buried his face in Claire’s shoulder. “That’s good. But I really don’t need that mental image. They’re both a foot taller than him, for God’s sake. How does that even work, in bed? Sounds like a complicated math problem.”

She kissed his forehead. “From what they told me, it’s not an issue.”

He shifted up, mouth finding hers in a kiss.

“Will it ever stop, Claire?” he whispered against her lips, after a long, long while.

He didn’t need to be more specific.

“I don’t know, Jamie.” She kissed him, long and sweet. “I really don’t. But I don’t want to ever find out.”

--

Two A.M. Neither could sleep – too much on their minds.

Sometimes it was like this on the road.

They speculated why. Too much post-show energy. An uncomfortable bed. Because no substances were available.

Or, as Jamie would say – too much life to live, to waste by sleeping.

“Play for me?”

He kissed her forehead and crawled out of bed, toward the guitar case.

She recognized it from their time at The Ridge. A bit of mother-of-pearl inlay on the neck. Sides worn with time and love.

The guitar he had written all those songs on, at The Ridge. The songs he had always played to her first, in the early morning before everyone else woke up. Feeling like the two of them were the only people in the world.

The same songs he now played, night after night, for thousands of people.

Every time still felt like the first time.

She sat up a bit in bed, leaning against the headboard. Watched Jamie sit beside her, candlelight playing over his arms and chest and hips.

“Any requests, Dr. Mrs. Fraser?”

She smiled.

“Surprise me.”

He smiled back. Thinking.

Strummed a few chords. Thinking.

Launched into song.

Half of what I say is meaningless

But I say it just to reach you, Julia

Looked up at his wife.

Her beautiful, beautiful face stricken with pain and grief.

He lay down the guitar. Pulled her to him, skin on skin.

Holding her, smoothing her hair, as she cried.

“Sshh. I’ve got you. I love you. Sshh.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath.

“My mother was named Julia,” she whispered into his neck. So softly that he felt it, more than heard it.

“I’m sorry. I never asked you about it. I didn’t mean – ”

“The White Album was the first record I bought with my own money. I used to listen to this song and think of her.”

He pulled her a bit closer. Wanting her to crawl inside his skin.

“I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like, if she and my dad hadn’t died when I was five.”

“If you would have become an addict, you mean?”

She twined her fingers with his. Thumb tracing his wedding ring. “If I would have married Frank. If I would have become a doctor. If I would have become an addict. If I would have met you.”

“All what ifs. You can’t drive yourself crazy that way, Claire.”

“It hurts, Jamie.” She closed her eyes. He kissed the tears sliding down her cheeks.

“I know, Claire.”

“I really wanted her to be at our wedding.”

“I know.”

“And your Mom, too.”

Ellen Fraser had died when Jamie was eight.

If anyone understood, it was him.

“Yes. I’m sorry. I never want to cause you pain, Claire.”

She took a deep breath. “I know, Jamie. And you couldn’t have known about the song.”

He kissed her cheek. “I can play another one.”

She shook her head. “No. I want you to play it. I need a new memory.”

He smiled. Gently turned her around so that he sat against the headboard with her back pressed against his front. Reached out for the guitar and settled it across Claire’s knees, his hands reaching around her to find the strings.

He strummed a bit. She relaxed a bit.

“You know, John Lennon wrote this song for his mother. She was also named Julia. He lost her when he was a young man – and he mourned her the rest of his life.”

He kissed the shell of her ear. Played another chord.

“It’s OK to mourn, Claire. And to remember.”

Began singing, low and quiet, into her ear.

Half of what I say is meaningless But I say it just to reach you, Julia

Julia, Julia, ocean child, calls me So I sing a song of love, Julia…

Safe in his arms.

“Love you,” she whispered, starting to drift away.

He finished the song. Carefully set the guitar on the carpet, and eased her back onto the bed. Holding her so close, so gently. A wonder.

“Dear God, I love you.”

[praetoravila]

angsty ship meme for lolive PLEASE i beg🙏🙏🙏

tagging @witchofinterest and @happinessismagicc bc yall also asked me for this!

who is more likely to get injured doing small tasks

logan. that boy is clumsy as hell. 

who worries more about the other

they both worry an equal amount. olive worries about logan not taking care of himself while on tour and about how the music industry can be exploitive (later on when he becomes a doctor, she worries about how he deal with patient death). logan worries about olive taking care of her mental and physical health and also about how sometimes she’s a flight risk. 

who is more afraid about the other leaving them

olive for sure. she has a lot of guilt about her ied and her struggles with her mental health, and after a particularly bad fight she genuinely starts to worry that he will leave her and find someone who is “better” than her 

who is more likely to leave (for any reason)

i think logan would be the one more likely to leave mostly because as much as i love him, he is incredibly strong willed, and so is olive. as teens, they butt heads quite a bit, and with olive’s anger issues, it can be hard to resolve problems. when they get to their 20s and their 30s, they’ve figured out their relationship, and the problems they have in a way that is healthier. 

who is more likely to drunkenly confess

OLIVEEEEE!!! when she’s drunk, she cannot hold back, and in my head there’s a party in between season three and season four and she gets drunk off pink whitney (in true 2010s teen fashion) and ends up confessing to logan that she’s in love with him. however they both are drunk off their asses, and he has no memory of it in the morning. 

who is more likely to push the other away (for any reason)

olive pushes people away, especially after an ied episode. she feels an immense amount of guilt, and usually reacts by ignoring the people around her. 

who picks fights more often

neither of them? they both don’t like fighting. but i think olive's the one who starts petty fights bc she's usually actively trying not to blow up at him or cause problems, so she can passive aggressive.

who usually apologizes first

logan. he hates it when there’s tension. he usually starts with a verbal apology and then also tries to show how he’s sorry thru gifts and hugs. olive sucks at verbal apologies but she’s good at giving i’m sorry hugs and i’m sorry kisses. 

who is more likely to withhold their feelings for the other

technically logan. logan tries really hard to not give into his feelings for olive (mostly bc he still is in a relationship with camille when he realizes), but he’s uhh… not good at it. like at all. he ends up admitting it after she’s already moved on, and he mopes about it for a minute, and when they finally get together, he’s incredibly grateful. 

who is more likely to lash out at the other

olive tries really hard not to lash out, but sometimes it can be incredibly frustrating to deal with logan and his ego. especially when they get into a relationship and they have to actually deal with each other one on one for a continued amount of time. 

who gets more jealous

logan hortense mitchell. that boy gets jealous like he breathes. he gets better about it once they are in a long term relationship but those first 4 months? yeah he’s not the biggest fan of kendall and olive hanging out together so much. though he obviously knows that olive would never cheat on him, and kendall would never do anything either. 

who is more likely to support the other in a relationship with someone else “as long as they’re happy”:

olive. she does that for most of season one and two while logan’s dating camille.but around s3, she kind of gives up and is like i can’t watch this knowing its breaking my own heart.  

[rebornologist]

Hi! Im unsure if you could line in for the day your requests open but I just fell in love with your writing and the way you depict the characters. I just wanted to shoot my shot and ask if you could write your take or headcanons on what Tsuna would be in love? Anyways I hope you have a nice day!!!

Omg hiii Anon!! These took a hot minute but I'm so excited to share these noww because writing these up had me all smiley and happy that Tsuna exists :')

♡ Sawada Tsunayoshi in Love ✧

༚✧⁺˳₊˚‿︵‿︵‿୨��� ⁺˳₊ ♡ ₊˳⁺ ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿˚₊˳⁺✧༚

Initially a flustered mess, you’ve seen how he is with his middle schooler crush on Kyoko.

Tsuna has never had great self esteem, which is super interesting when combined with his really good people skills?! He’s extremely intuitive and able to pick up on people’s intentions and get a general read of them really easily, but he gets stuck in his head with the “what if they don’t actually like me? I’m misreading..” thought loop.

In love and in a romantic relationship, he curbs some of that thinking with time and experience in knowing his partner. If there’s anything that he can and will believe in, it is his partner’s words and actions, the way that they actively express their love for him and seek out his time and attention.

He also knows deep down that he values them so so so much, and he learns to be fairly at peace with knowing that no matter what, he will do his best to treasure them and be good to them. He would become most frustrated with a partner that behaves recklessly, or is dismissive of/not understanding of his expressions of love and devotion, especially because he does not make particularly grand gestures of love.

Tsuna is not perfect, even when he’s older. He will slip up in his communication and miss scheduled quality time with his partner every once in a while, mostly because he has a lot on his plate and gets super busy and easily overwhelmed. He makes a very active effort to keep in touch with his s/o because I think when he’s in love with someone, they’re 100% also his closest friend and confidant. He bonds with people well over shared vulnerability and life experiences together.

His love is most expressed in how patient he is with a partner, how consistently he is there for them (even more than for himself, sometimes), how supportive and protective he is, and how much he just enjoys their company! He’s not a great gift giver, he’ll perform acts of service for his s/o if they really ask him to, but usually doesn’t go out of his way to do so and is uncharacteristically blunt with saying no when he feels unable to do a task for them. It might sound like he’s being dismissive, but he is just being his most honest self with them. When he isn’t as close to someone, he’s more likely to be a people pleaser and promise something that he knows he cannot fulfill, and he would hate to do that to his loved ones.

He’s not particularly touchy but will really appreciate small gestures of PDA such as hand holding and little kisses. It’s really easy to make him blush with that because he’s such a puppy boy.. It's like, if he had a tail, it would be wagging.

His words of reassurance are the best. He’s not an impressive speaker, but everything that he says comes from the heart, especially the ones that are emotionally charged. He feels his feelings quite deeply, and that might be one of the things his partner loves about him: that being sensitive to their needs comes pretty naturally to him, and he learns to be very patient with people and have a lot of hope in them, especially when he knows how great they are deep down.

bonus song that makes me think of loving Tsuna: he's the type to be content with just doing laundry and taxes with his loves ♡

[syntaxandsemantics]

I want to tell you this was not what I intended. Good intentions are a thought that sets a vessel down the river, but with no paddle, what's to stop us drifting out to sea? We are rushing through the rapids like an argument, teeth grit and knuckles clutching onto anything to keep us the right way up, heads towards the sky. Look up, it's a different sort of blue above us, like hope. Just breathe, you can do it. I believe.

I want to tell you that I'm drowning, but maybe you won't understand while you're still learning how to float. In the pool where the water's warm and barely reaches your shoulders, I watch you lean back trusting that someone will hold you at the surface, watching the light, learning how to survive if it got too deep. Sometimes you say no, and that's ok - just do what you can or want to, you have a choice. I wish I could remember what that felt like - to be able to stand up and touch the bottom.

I want to tell you I know full well all the ways I'm failing as I fail I feel it pool in both our guts, and my soul cracks a little more at the way your face falls like the silence as you breathe in all my shards, frozen sharp with everything I lack, and yet I shatter. I am broken like my mother was broken and I know that is not an excuse but an explanation so I hope one day you'll understand how in all the ways I am trying not to break you, I break myself again, a thousand times over, and willingly I would if I knew it would save you from the pull of this gravity. It doesn't, and I still do anyway.

I want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the things I wanted but never got, for all the things I wish I could but can't, for all the things I'd give but don't because I just don't have it in me some days, most days, I say it in my heart more than I say it out loud - what is an apology when nothing changes? I want you to know that words should have weight, like I carry in my arms, a tired child. I want you to hold your words like they are precious, like they are heavy. They are like hands, reaching in a certain way. Can you feel the meaning hanging around my neck?

I want to tell you I love you I love you I love you every second we are together and every second we are not and since I can't I do. Would you believe me if I told you every doing comes from my love? Love is always home. Love is a kiss on the cheek, a change of mind, a patient breath, a hard lesson, and sometimes love is lost in translation but I promise I am learning how to speak your language so you can hear it in your heart. I want you to feel how true love echoes ad infinitum, like the ripples of a wave in the universe. I want you to know love so you know it when you see it, and you know it when you don't.

I want to tell you that I tell you these things, late at night, after I've lost you to sleep. In silence so as not to wake you with such (un)important things, while we lie in an almost too-small bed and I listen to you dream, I whisper things in my head and enjoy the feel of time passing into nothing wth the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest with one arm wrapped around your waist like a pool noodle. Like a life preserver. Like I cannot stop the plunge into darkness that threatens to swallow me like jaws looming from beneath while we tread water, but I will hold you up. Look at the sky, do you see the stars? One for every regret, every wish, every moment I am thankful for you, and every glimmerng thing I want to say to you and only sometimes do.

I want to tell you one day soon I will somehow find our shallows, calm and warm, and in the light, I will stand up and lift you out of the water, if you choose. I want to tell you I want you to be able to. I want to tell you you can choose the sky. You can believe in it. I want you to reach for hope and I want you to grab love like an oar to steer yourself home. I want you to know that you are (home). Always.

[harsh-epilogue]

(Heimdall is the type of guy to refuse apologizing but... I think it would infuriate him to the core because he's dealing with Kratos lol who's cool as a cucumber. As always. *sends hugs!*)

Outside the cabin in Midgard, the moonlight filtered through the branches of the towering oaks that surrounded them, casting a serene tranquility.

Heimdall sat on the bed, his arms crossed and a scowl etched deep upon his features. With each huff and puff, the tension in the room seemed to grow. His mood swing had taken him by surprise, and now he found himself unable to let go of his pride and apologize to Kratos for the words he said earlier.

Despite his stubbornness, he couldn't help stealing glances at his husband out of the corner of his eye. Kratos, ever patient and understanding, sat by the crackling fireplace on a bench. His gaze fixed intently on mending one of Heimdall's shirts (it got ripped during a hunt they went on together. Kratos got an earful the whole way back to their home.).

The Aesir's eyes narrowed, his pride refusing to allow him to apologize for the harsh words he had spoken earlier. Yet, as he stole a glance at Kratos, he couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be completely unaffected by the ordeal. His eyes searched Kratos' face for any sign of anger or disappointment, but all he found was a quiet strength that seemed to radiate from within. It infuriated him and yet, deep down, it filled him with both admiration and love.

Seconds stretched into minutes, the tension mounting in the air, until Heimdall finally relented. He sat besides Kratos, scooted closer to him until their shoulders lightly brushing against each other.

"What do you want for dinner?" Heimdall asked, his voice soft, attempting to mend the rift between them. Seeking his husband's approval.

Kratos grunted slightly, his eyes sparkling still focused on the shirt. "Hm. Surprise me. Anything you cook will be delicious."

A smile tugged at the corners of Heimdall's lips, quickly replaced by a playful pout. "You're just saying that..."

Kratos turned his head towards the blonde and gently placed a hand on his knee, "Because it is true. I am not a man who spesks in a frivolous way, nor do I toy with your feelings."

Heimdall couldn't hold back wrapping his arms around Kratos, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"Sometimes... My pride gets the best of me..." he murmured, his voice muffled against Kratos' skin.

Strong arms tightened the embrace, he felt calloused fingers move soothingly up and down his back. "I know," Kratos whispered. "But you are trying to be better. You are showing remorse and making amends, in your own way. And I cannot force you to apologize."

It was as if Kratos had this magical ability to see through his walls and understand him better than anyone else ever could. He fought against his lingering stubbornness, struggling to find the right words.

"You always know how to handle me," Heimdall confessed, "even when I'm being difficult... especially when I'm being difficult."

The Spartan tenderly brushed his thumb across the younger god's cheek. "You are in need of compassion, not being chastised. That is how you learn from mistakes. My love for you does not waver during these moments, and I will not leave you to deal with them alone."

Feeling his heart soar at the words, Heimdall pulled away from the embrace and quickly blinked backed his tears, his sassy self resurfacing. "Oh stop it, sunshine." he grinned and rolled his eyes, but a glimmer of amusement sparkled within them. "You just always have the right words, don't you? You're not allowed to be so wise. And charming. And handsome. It's unfair! You drive me crazy, you know that?"

"I am well aware of it. Likewise." replied Kratos, which earned a laugh from the younger god.

"So," Heimdall started, "before I begin with dinner, I wanted to say that I've become friends with some of the housewives I meet at the market, and let me tell you that there is a whole lot of drama going on in here! Midgardians are so messy! This one day I heard..." he continued to ramble as Kratos listened intently, the tension of the day dissipating with each shared moment, now replaced by gossip and lighthearted banter between two unconventional lovers.

THEY’RE SO SOFT I JUST- NLKOEJENFKVLLR

(Thank you for your amazing work once again 😭)

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

Bad day. The weather is gray, cold - and I'm in an exhausting mood. Not for free, but for specific stories. I think I'm going to resign at the Gallimard house. History naturally is silly but I find it symptomatic.Two years ago I had the manuscript of an ancient surrealist who lives in Céret in the Pyrénées-Orientales. The book (memories on surrealism) didn't break anything, but it was honest and interesting. Because of the publishing difficulties of the time, the house took the manuscript without commitment of date. They kept it for two years and then, without saying anything to me, they wrote to him that they were giving it up, even though he could at least have tried his luck with other publishers if they had not made him a promise.

The author, who is worthy, wrote to me a fortnight ago. I write to Gallimard who replies, without even apologizing, to tell me that he cannot do otherwise. I find that the muzzle is enough. I have already accepted too many doses out of friendship and I am no longer in a patient mood. I will wait until Michel is gone from here so as not to get him involved and also so as not to have a discussion with him and I will write them what I think. I was digesting my anger and I was hoping to console myself by reading your letter (which I am keeping for the end of course). And I got angry again, but against the Post Office this time.

I have written to you every day, without a truce, since my arrival here and I don't understand anything about this day without a letter. But of course there are a thousand explanations except the one you chose. My letters are posted in Cannes, Grasse or right here. They should take 48 hours. If you get two at once, it means that one went faster, and you have to expect that there won't be one the next day. Not to mention the snow, the whims of the buses, or the distraction of the mailman. Anything is possible except lack of love, or madness, or a serious crisis.

Ah, my dear love, I wish you would be reasonable. Of course, I would like to know what a day without a letter is like. I also know that my previous letter was sad. But what, I tell you the days as they come, I can't write you the optimism you ordered. I haven't written anything to you that you don't already know, and this equivocation where I'm suffocating, these perpetual mental restrictions, you know well and for a long time that they tear me apart in the best that I have. The rest, the worst thing I have, would accommodate itself very well, has accommodated itself. But since you've been here, I've been living for the best. So let me speak to you blindly, clumsily if I may, but with all my heart.

The most important thing is that I don't fear that my letters will hurt or anguish you. We still have two more months to suffer from this absence. Let's help each other. When the tone of your letters lowered, I felt it, I was a sad man, but I also understood that I was happy to check my confidence at the same time. Since I decided to write as I think, as I feel, nothing can be hidden from you. If even I felt love withdraw from me, I would write like that and tell you to save me from this drought.

What would you say? What are you afraid of now? Nothing, right? Well, kiss me, let me hold you, squeeze you a little, and shake you a lot. Give yourself a good time, and you'll wake up in my arms for this tenderness that I miss to tears. My love, I'm close to you, I endure with all the courage I have left a separation that hurts me to the core. Here are your certainties; for the rest, forgive me for my bad days, forgive me for telling you: sometimes we are alone in this house so crowded. I embrace you, with all my heart.

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, January 27, 1950 [#150]

[chelseasdagger]

i have to applaud you for how wonderful ch.3 of ‘the teacher’ was to read. i enjoyed how well detailed you wrote the handjob. everything was so well paced i had to actually hold myself back from skipping sentences to read the end! everything was fucking marvellous i couldn’t get enough of it!!! the way you write frank it’s as if you pulled him from the show and put him in your story! i also love the way you described him, he was all the more charming in your very own words. 💖 you are a truly truly wonderful writer and i thank you for everything that you give to the community, i know writing can be a pain sometimes and writers block/procrastination is a bitch. no rush for anything love! take all the time you need, creativity comes and goes and you are doing magnificently so far!!! 💖🥰

anon i literally cannot tell you how much these words mean to me. i know you sent this in a while back but reading this tonight was really what i needed to hear. thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your kind words and such wonderful feedback 🩵

i’m so glad that the way i write can be enjoyable to other people. lately it’s been so difficult to find inspiration and i’ve had a complete writer’s block. i’m trying to process through it and get the new chapter up but this month has been incredibly hard on me. i’m so so thankful for everyone’s patience with me while i try to sort through it all

i try really hard to make sure i write frank being this kind and patient person with the reader but i know he’s also very rough around the edges in the shows, so i try to bring in some of his mannerisms and speaking styles to show that it’s still the same old frank we know and love. it makes my heart soar to know that i do an okay job at making him feel like the show version

thank you again so so much, honey, for wanting to share all of this with me. your words made my heart so happy and it gave me the push to want to open the docs app, which hasn’t happened in a while. i’m so grateful for your kindness 🩵

[busy-bii]

A bad dream.

Trouble had always followed Deva. It was the only constant in his fast, rigorous and uncertain life. He’d faced it many times, head to head, fearless and strong as he battled it.

So trouble came again, and again.

Just as bull-headed and arrogant as Deva himself. So he wasn’t surprised when trouble showed up, again. It’s red eyes staring him down, but this time Deva sensed an unfamiliar fear around him. Why?

He wasn’t alone this time. There’s a warm hand that squeezes his gently. Brown eyes behind clear, square framed glasses peer up at him.

Das.

Confusion turns to awe, turns to love, turns to fear. Fear.

Deva reaches to grab his beloved but it’s too late. Trouble had taken his Das before Deva could protect him.

Das was falling now and all Deva could do was watch helplessly as he sank to his knees, his will falling at the same pace Das was.

——

Deva wakes with a start. His heart thuds at the bottom of his throat, the thin sheet of sweat on his forehead gleams reflecting the moonlight that lit their room. His heavy pants fade into the soft howling of the wind. His eyes wander to the left side of the bed, slowly, relief washing over him as they find Das snoring softly with his arms wrapped around a pillow. Deva huffs out the breath he was holding. He cannot take his eyes off Das, even as he sit up on the bed and takes off Das’s glasses, even as he reaches over to grab the other man’s bookmark and reaches over to the bedside table again to put the doctor’s book and glasses away. His Das was right there, right next to him.

His strength, his love, his patience were right next to him.

His peace was safe, lying next to him.

He watched on for a little longer, but the panic in his chest kept rising, ignoring the vows to protect that echoed in his heart.

Deva has to rip his eyes away, a heavy feeling sits atop his chest and his breaths become stuttered.

He needed air. Somehow he managed to make his way to the window, leaning against the open frame as his heavy limbs just slumped at his side. He shivers under the cool wind, taking deep breaths till they were stable again. The tears that well in his eyes fell freely for the first time in years, rolling down his cheeks and onto the windowsill as he leaned over it with another shaky breath.

“Deva?” Das’s sleepy voice called out from behind him, the older man quickly wipes away the tears as the doctor shuffles behind him. Deva can sense the worry that glazes Das’s expression as he catches a glimpse of Deva.

“Devu, are you okay? Em aindhi?” (What happened?) Two warm arms wraps themselves around Deva, one at his waist and another round his neck, pulling him as close to the other body as possible. Deva leans forward, pressing their foreheads together. Deva composes himself and Das waits patiently till Deva is ready.

“Das?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you” Deva mumbled. “Neku emaina aithe nenu thatkolenu.” (If anything happens to you, I won’t be able to bear it.)

“Naaku em aithadi Deva?” (What’ll happen to me Deva?) Das asks, prompting him to explain.

“Das, the things I did before you saved me will follow me everywhere, for the rest of my li-” Deva pauses to take a breath, his pattern losing its consistency for the second time that night. Das pulls back a little, worry graces his face again and he pulls up a chair, gently nudging his lover down till Deva was sat.

“Deva, emi avaledhu, nenu ikkade unanu.” (Deva, nothing’s happened, I’m right here.) Das sat on a stool next to Deva’s chair, watching and soothing Deva with soft words and rubbing his knuckles. Deva manages to even out his breathing again but he doesn’t realise the tears that begin to roll down his face till Das moves to wipe at them.

“Deva, you’ve left that life behind. Naaku emi avadhu, ipudu manam safe.” (Nothing will happen to me, now we are safe.)

“But-” Deva starts but can’t find the words to explain the millions of ‘what ifs’ running through this head.

“Devu, I love you. I know that you’re scared, I am too sometimes. Ippudu varaku emi avvaledhu. Kaani emana aithe mana degara move avadanki plan undhi. We’ll run far far away from here and start afresh.” (Nothing’s happened till now. But if anything does happen we have a plan.) Das calmly reminded him, Deva nodded, remembering the heavy conversation they had. He hummed, completely hating the fact that he had put the angel of a person standing in front of him in potential danger.

“Dasu, bangaram ikkada raa.” (Das, bangaram [gold in telugu] come here.) Deva pulled Das onto his lap, wrapping his arms around the young doctor and nesting his head into his neck. “Oka peedakala ochindi.” (I had a bad dream.) Deva reveals hesitantly. Das strokes his hair.

“Hmm, kalla lo emi aindhi?” (Hmm, what happened in the dream?) Das asks.

“Naa valla nuvu,” (Because of me, you,) Deva trails off, physically unable to finish the sentence but Das understood enough to see where it was going. Kissing the top of Deva’s hair as he rubbed circles into his shoulder and Deval pulled him closer, holding him as tightly as possibly.

“Naaku emi avadhu. That life is behind us and you’ve taught me enough for me to protect myself. And don’t worry we have police connections too, I’m sure Pooja would help us.” (Nothing will happen to me) Das tries to joke, immediately smiling as Deva chuckles into his neck. “Deva? Let’s go back to sleep?” Das asks, knowing the both of them had busy days the day before and were going to be even busier the next. Deva nods and Das is about to slide off his lap before Deva stops him.

“Aagu!” (Stop!) And without warning Deva picks Das up bridal style, placing him gently down on the before climbing in next to him. Deva buries his head into Das’s chest and snuggles closer as the doctor wraps his arms around him, assuring him of his presence.

A.N:

@rasnak2 and @tulodiscord thank you so much for supporting me and bearing with my constant complaining and proofreading everything i write ever for me! You guys are the best!

[khaleesiofalicante]

Friendly reminder that I FUCKING LOVE TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES IT MAKES ME SOMETIMES HOLD MY BREATH IN AWE HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A GENIUS WOMAN!!!!

HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD ONE SECOND AND THE NEXT I WANT TO START SOBBING???

“You will not call me a coward when walking away from your father and losing you is the hardest goddamn thing I have done in my entire fucking life. And it’s been a pretty painful life, Max. And I fought through all of that and I will not lose this fight to you.”

David deserves the world. Everything he wants. Everything his beautiful heart desires.

Note to self: This is a bitch of a situation

Max. Their baby. Their blue. But now... Rafael regrets it more than anything. Because now everything they've hidden from Max is crashing into him all at once and Max looks like he is drowning. Max, who had always been able to keep his head above water, is drowning.

I don't know. I don't know anything. Please stop asking.

"Sometimes people have to leave."

"Please bapak. Keep looking at Rafael."

“Don’t stop loving me the way you do,” Rafael tells his father. “No matter what they say. Don’t stop.” “Never,” Magnus smiles and kisses his forehead.

“Tell me…Tell me how to fix it.”

They should have canceled the show right then and there. But no. What do they say? The show must go on.

David pulls back. “When do you love me then?” Only when I breathe.

“If you leave me,” Alec sobs. “If you leave me, I’ll die.” He takes Alec’s face in his hands. His thumb caressing the man’s jaw softly. “If I stay,” Magnus replies. “I’ll die.”

Who could ever love it? Magnus remembers taking up the challenge. He remembers proving her wrong. Because since the day he had started loving Max, he had never stopped.

“You fucking pushed me,” Rafael’s voice breaks. “You said you’ll catch me if I fall and then you fucking pushed me.”

"But if you start doing things just because you can, you will never know when to stop.”

The face poets write about. Alec could write a sad fucking poem right now. About those wet eyes. About those trembling lips.

The worst thing that can happen to you as a parent is to see the part of you hate the most about yourself in the person you love the most in the world.

"My brother needed me. The others were trying to bring you back. I was trying to keep Alec alive.”

“Max carries a lot of pain too. Just because it doesn’t look like yours, it doesn’t mean it hurts him any less.”

"You are not weak. You are tired,” Magnus smiles. “Enough now. It’s time to rest.”

“How do I look?” “You look like the rest of my life,”

Alec pulls back first. Because he knows if he doesn’t now, he never will. Because he knows, it will hurt – just a little – if Magnus pulls back first.

"We don't hurt the people we love." He smiles. "I know." "That includes you." He smiles wider. "I'll try to remember that."

“Every part of me loves every part of you."

“Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoings. But it rejoices with the truth,” Rafael recites his favorite bible verse. “And here is my truth, dad. I love you. I love you and I forgive you.”

“Therapy is not about making things go away, Alec,” Jem says gently. “It’s about to learn how to deal with what exists and learning how to accept what doesn’t.

“I don’t want flowers. I want you. I want your heart. Now ask me if I can keep it for the rest of our lives.”

“If my life is going to be everlasting, I want to spend it loving you,”.

Please don’t ever doubt my love. Not when it’s the crux of my existence.

Whatever happens to me and to you and to us, this will always be true. ‌I love you.

Love me until it becomes unfair. ‌Love me until it becomes impossible. ‌Love me until you cannot.

It’s the same thing bapak always tells him. Trust me. I can handle it. But history tells a different story. Rafael doesn’t want history to repeat itself.

"Don’t treat me like shit and then ask me to be the bigger person.”

He can be petty when he isn’t getting any.

They didn't have a problem holding on - Alec and him. They had just held on a little too tightly and it had started to hurt a little.

Love is blind, and love is beautiful , and love is dangerous, and love is beautiful.

And these are just some of the quotes I found while scrolling and stopping randomly. I am so tempted to read this story again BECAUSE WOW!!!😍😍😍

Ok now I will stop my agressive admiration for this story bc I was actually supposed to be doing something but I forgot jdgsjdjjs

I can’t tell you how much I needed this today 🥺🥺

Reading these little lines brought back so many memories (good and bad) and to know these little lines stood out to you means so much to me 😭😭😭

Thank you, babygirl 💚

[piskinkk]

hannah said i’m being delusional.

maybe i am.

but also, hannah did not read what he sent me. hannah wasn’t there when he called me to tell me he is leaving.

hannah only knows one side of the story. the side where kyle is bad.

but kyle isn’t bad. even after he left so quickly, i cannot say anything bad about him. he never was toxic or abusive.

in fact, he made me feel great. i’ve never experienced this kind of love. he taught me what it’s really like to love the other person and treat them with kindness; even if they aren’t your partner.

moreover, hannah does not know the things he sent me last night. he said he would love to try again just some day.

i know that people move on and forget about each other, but for some reason this feels so much different?

besides, we dated for 2 whole years. not months.

so really, who are you to assume i’m delusional? just because i told you bits and pieces of what happened, doesn’t mean you know the whole truth.

people who automatically assume that the other partner is an asshole are delusional.

not all people break up because they begin to hate each other. not every relationship ends with cheating.

moreover, not every relationship ends. sometimes there is just a pause.

i get how i sound delusional tho. it’s just not really what i need to hear rn.

i just wish kyle could give me a clear answer. if i should wait or move on.

but that’s okay. i get he cannot do that right now. even if his answer changes in the process - i will still be patient.

because i don’t think i could ever stop loving him for a second. even if i find someone else, kyle will always hold a special place in my heart. not just as a partner, but a friend - a person.