letters-between-friends

[letters-between-friends]

january

Dearest Tabi,

I've been MIA lately. I was in the middle of being busy with the world outside my bedroom and just doing nothing. January was a good month. I like to feel hopeful that January sets the mood for all the remaining months of 2024. It was peaceful and full of heartwarming moments.

I also tried a lot of different food from different restaurants. I was also able to go out of town. Basically, what I did in January is something I would like to do for the rest of the year.

I think February is looking a bit like that. Currently, I am in Manila and working in an Airbnb. I don't know if I like it here because it's Manila and a little bit less gloomy than my room or if is it because I am currently working mid-shift. I want though to test if I still feel the same about living in Manila if I am working the night shift.

I am really finding it hard to write on this blog as I don't have that much reflection in my mind lately. I think I am doing things day by day, not in a negative way but more just being in the present. I don't know yet if I like it or not.

But despite having a chill and peaceful life, I am still craving more productivity and making sure that at least I get some steps done from time to time in achieving my goals, goals that might be a little bit abstract but getting clearer day by day.

I don't have that much thought but where I am now seems like a very nice place to write something, so here is the product of that. Hahahaha

Have a blast always wherever you are,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

choking on grapes

Hi Ana,

Happy new year!

We should really write to each other more often as so many things keep happening that they add up so quickly. Now I can't even figure out how to properly update you.

I got sick over the holidays but was okay exactly on New Year's Eve, so I went to watch Novak Djokovic's match here in Perth. Can you believe it? I've been watching the guy play on tv for over a decade, and I remember my countless embarrassing tweets about him especially around 2013-2016 (not that I ever stopped). I thought the match would last a few hours, but there were actually 3 matches for Serbia vs China so I ended up spending until a bit over midnight in the RAC arena. We did the countdown there and everything.

The best part is I was alone. I was sick all week so I didn't make plans - but when I got cleared that afternoon, I didn't even hesitate. I got tickets and planned my day regardless of whether I would have company or not. It was a dream come true and I was so happy.

At midnight I called B (my engineer bestie) to show him the arena fireworks, N (my lover) to greet him a very happy new year and see what he's up to, and Alecks (one of my best friends in Canada).

The next day, N picked me up so we can spend the first day of the year together. I got us grapes so we can eat 12 each - to have good luck for each month. I knew this boy was special because when I said, "Well, I figured if it was indeed lucky then we get good luck all year, but if it doesn't work, then it can't really do any harm."

He so quick-wittedly said, "It can if you choke on a grape."

So instead of going with our plan of just having the grapes slowly and talking about the things we want to do this year, we challenged each other to scarf down the grapes and eat all 12 at once. He had zero problems with this. I on the other hand, almost choked on my 10th grape. I think it's a sign that I'll have a pretty good year.

I know we also caught up on the 1st of January over the phone so it's not like you missed a lot of my updates - but it's been 10 days since and I have recently also just turned 29.

I also spent it with N, who very thoughtfully organised a dinner with me at this beautiful beach restaurant. Then in the morning made me homemade crepes with blueberries and agave syrup. I spent half of the day embracing him and the other half just giving him kisses. He even said, "You've had at least a hundred kisses today. Minimum."

He was not wrong. And these were very innocent, affectionate and really adorable kisses. I just like being with him. It's always so peaceful and relaxing. We also played Lego Fortnite and watched Scrubs while I rested my head on his chest.

For months, my friends have been calling me out about not being open or likely being too cool or too scared to take it to the next level with N, but if I'm being honest, I like where things are with us currently. Like I have zero complaints. He is the loveliest boy, and if this ends up being the most we can do with each other, then I still have zero regrets. And I mean that - cross my heart & hope to die - I love N but if this is it, I know for certain that we both will be okay.

I actually think it's one of the more beautiful things about our relationship. Neither of us are necessary for each other. We both have plenty of choices, and our pool only continues to grow as we do. And yet - we choose to stay with each other in whatever capacity we can.

I've had a lovely start to the year and one of the online things I've been doing lately, is actually being quite active on Instagram. Every few days, I would post a story or photo collage of things I have been up to, and little elements from this life I have here and I keep getting replies and messages of people saying they love my aesthetic, and how my life looks like it was lifted from pinterest.

It's not. And it's messy and rough around the edges and I have so many problems I don't even want to think about, but you know what?

I think I like this little life.

So no big plans this year. I just want to do better... drink more water, love more, generally be kinder - to myself and to others. and hopefully, not choke on any grapes.

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

to greater heights

Dearest Tabi,

I apologize for not writing sooner. These past few months, I think I was in the middle of nothingness. I am not sad or happy. And I know it's not peace also. But rather getting by and just waiting for days that it will be a little different than going back again to that nothingness.

Lol, but I don't want to talk about that nothingness. Hahaha. I just want this letter to be about how thankful I am for 2023 and my hope for 2024.

2023 was a lot of things for me. It is the year I felt most alive after graduating college. It's the year that I have the most control over my life. It's the year I began trying again to live for me and not for anybody else. It's the year that showed me again that there are a lot of possibilities and opportunities that I can grab if I want to. If I just get out of my head and just move.

Despite the drama or problems that happened, overall I am thankful. I am grateful for the challenges that resulted in lessons and made my life a little more colorful. It made things a little clearer for what I want to get from this lifetime.

2023 for me is a starting line of the life I am supposed to live. That is the reason why I am so excited for 2024. To continue what I have started for myself, to see things through. To see what heights I can reach.

There is a lot to say as someone who has a lot to say. But I'll end my thoughts about the coming year here. Lol.

Before I end this letter, I just want to say thank you for being a big part of my 2023. This project of ours is one of the highlights of my year. I am also excited for you. What heights you will reach, of what memories you will be able to bank. Haha.

Love you always and rooting for you.

to greater heights,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

the clay remembers

Hi Ana,

You're a tough one, aren't you? I know you had time to write me but didn't want to because I hadn't found the time to write back a longer one for you. How silly! You know I had school and a proper emotional breakdown but okay - here you go, miss ma'am who pretended not to see my little note. Haha!

I think we have to revisit the entire goal of this and it's to be able to journal and practice our writing. Have you not seen Love, Rosie? Friends are allowed to double-message!

But I digress. I'm not even going to pretend you don't know what's happening to my life. From having to move again, to love and dating, and many other things, I'm pretty sure we've found the time to chat about it. So today, I'll tell you about my stone plate.

When I did my pottery class, I wanted my plate to be nice and perfect that I didn't want to make many marks on my slab of clay, besides the pressed flowers and leaves. The words of my Italian Ceramics teacher kept echoing in my head, "The clay remembers."

She meant that while it was okay to make mistakes and just use the rolling pin again to flatten the clay's surface, the lovely thing about pottery is that the clay remembers each mark you make on it. Once you touch it, it will never be the same again - which she framed as a beautiful thing instead of something bad. But with my Type A personality, you know I tried my best to make a perfect piece.

I barely touched my clay, I barely played with it or even risked making marks that may turn out not great - and don't get me wrong, my plate wasn't bad despite some of the yellow paint not sticking. However, at the same time, it didn't have the personality that handmade ceramics possess. You can't see much of how I've pinched and prodded the clay. I look at it and see so much restraint.

When I picked up my plate from my pottery teacher's studio, I saw plenty of works by kids too - and they all looked so nice! You can tell that they tried, but even more, you can tell that they were bold about creation. From shapes, to designs, patterns and colours and I absolutely loved it. I wished I could take home their works instead!

In true Carrie Sex and the City reflection fashion, doesn't this restraint affect us in real life too? I don't like making mistakes - no one does! But sometimes, there's really no way to differentiate if it's gonna be a mistake or a decision that leads to something fun.

There are some big moves I'm hoping to do in the next week or so. Fingers crossed they lead to something good. It's likely pretty risky, but I don't want another plate without personality.

Love,

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

ghost

Hey Ana,

I wish I had more time to write you anything today but life has been crazy busy and I’m just trying to keep up.

Give me a call when you get out of your cave.

Ily

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

thank you

Dearest Tabi,

Thank you for the last two messages. I have a nice and warm feeling while reading your "soft" letters. I actually teared up a tiny bit with "soft september". Maybe because yes, those are the things I also wish for you and most of them are also dreams of mine. Thank you for saying it out loud and getting it out of our heads.

The universe hasn't been good to me these past few days and I am having a hard time creating a letter for you. I know that unlike me you are not pressuring me to write but I really want to!

Upon reading your last letter, I finally realized what I wanted to write and it is somehow different from the other letters I sent you because it will not be about me. Haha! I want to write you an appreciation letter, things you may already know but I still want to recognize and to remind you of it.

First of all, when we met, I actually thought we wouldn't vibe that much but you tried to befriend me because I was your "ninang" in FC and I felt I had this sense of duty as a ninang to you although I'm just one year older than you. Haha

You were different. You stand out even in college. You are this person who is confident with her skills and knows herself and her worth while during that time all of us are still struggling with how we see ourselves. I guess that intimidated me a little bit maybe that's why I thought we wouldn't vibe. I see the two of us as very different from one another.

The first time I appreciated you was when you went back from your trip to Cebu and brought me a pasalubong (Silvanas). I was touched for some reason. It was then I realized that you were a thoughtful person.

The second time was when I read your paper about the analysis of mermaids as your final paper in Sir Lau's class. It was a really good read. It wasn't filled with "big" words despite the class using a lot of them. It was an easy read even though you were explaining these deep concepts. It was then I realized you are a good writer.

There was a lot in between for sure that I appreciated you but the next one that I was really thankful for was when you stayed with me during the pandemic. Others have questioned my decisions back then, others have been busy with their lives but you were the one who remembered me.

You were the one who made me feel that I would not be alone even if I made mistakes, that no matter what my choices will be, may they be good or bad, I have a friend who has my back and understands that things need to happen for me to learn and grow as a person.

I know that the pandemic also was a trying time for you. I must admit that I was beginning to get worried during the time you didn't have a job. M was actually asking about it and I just told her she just needs to ride her feelings. She's gonna get up and be fucking great as always.

That is one of the reasons I admire you. You always let yourself feel things and when you're ready again, you always slay no matter what you do. From that time to now, wow. It's actually inspiring for me to see you from that condo to hearing your stories in Australia.

I am also thankful that even though I don't reply to your long messages, that I disappear to you from time to time, you still message. I must admit there are times that it irritates me. Haha! But I remind myself that this person listens to every detail of my own long ass stories so I should listen also.

To clarify that's just a few times, keep sending me those messages still as I like reading them on my own time. What I just want to say about that part is that I am thankful that I don't feel pressured to reply. I don't feel that you are expecting anything from me but that you just need to tell me about it.

It's refreshing for me, a different kind of interaction than my usual. I may or may not reply and I don't need to overthink if we will grow apart or you might get "tampo". It's a comfort to say to myself "Tabi knows me. She wouldn't be mad just because I didn't reply." Thank you for honoring my space.

Thank you also for sharing the things you are experiencing in Australia especially those beautiful parks and fields that I really like. Please keep sending more of that.

And lastly thank you for inspiring me, inspiring me to write more, to be comfortable and confident with myself, and to live my life as the main character. I actually love your stories because there are times I imagine you as a character in a book. It's like a mix of Shopaholic x Love Rosie kind of vibe for me. Haha! I can't wait for you to write your stories and read it.

Today, it is much clearer to me why my notion that we don't vibe is definitely not true. We "vibe" not because we have the same taste in music, movies, or people. Haha! I think it's because even when life gets tough we still both believe in a good tomorrow. We still believe in people. We fall and rise. We still see the beauty of the world even when it can be shitty. We try to honor what we want to do but at the same time still practice kindness.

Keep doing you Tabi, I know and I am sure you will get there on the porch.

Always with love,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

Hi Ana,

Being human is complex. The craving for connection in every corner we see, hoping to find meaning in the spaces that we fill, and continuous longing for love in every little encounter are all so corny, but all completely normal parts of the human experience.

I am constantly in awe of the amount of softness I discover in different places. How lucky it is that while my life is not perfect, I feel tiny glimmers of happiness in our day to day. If anything, I keep getting reminded that I am very loved in both usual and unusual ways.

This little note is just a reminder. You are very loved, even on days you don't feel your best. I understand that some days we feel off and we deserve to honor ourselves and our feelings when those days come - but I guess in retrospect, it's all part of the ride.

Love,

Tabitha

𝟽 𝚂𝚎𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟿 𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙹𝚘𝚢𝚌𝚎, 𝚃𝚘 𝙽𝚘𝚛𝚊 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝙹𝚘𝚢𝚌𝚎 𝙻𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝙹𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝙹𝚘𝚢𝚌𝚎 [𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚙𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚍 𝟷𝟿𝟻𝟽]

[letters-between-friends]

soft september

Hi Ana,

Today I want to write you something different. I know we're both in places of longing at the moment, which I would love to blame on whatever retrograde astrology girlies are focusing on this month, but I think every emotion and craving we're currently feeling right now are purely reminders of our being human.

Let this be an exercise of vocalising things we want. This is a safe space. The world is a safe space. I don't know what happened that convinced us otherwise but I remember being so young and open to feeling. Open to just accepting love and care with open arms. Embracing everyone and anything that shows any interest and shares insights into our lives. This has never been limited to lovers. It was from every single person who wanted to be our friend, who wanted to get to know us, who wanted to spend time with us to connect and understand.

So today I choose to be honest about the things I want. I am in tears as I write this because this is one of those rare moments when my heart frees me from the emotional constipation.

#1 - I want clarity.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to go up to Ben and just tell him, what do you want from me? You're a decade older than me and I'm scared. We have been seeing each other for a little over three months now, talking for four (because I took my sweet time before meeting up with him) and I'm scared. I don't think he knows me well enough for labels but I have a feeling it would truly break me if months down the line, we figure out we're not even on the same page. I want to be able to see or not see B, N or even S with complete transparency, and knowing where I stand.

#2 - I want peace and security.

This one I try my hardest to keep. I want to be able to live freely without worries. Being an adult is hard. Being an adult completely independent is even harder. I am so grateful that I get to live in Australia separate from the burdens of being with my family, but it continues to give me such anxiety. Every single day I have to work hard and bet on myself, all chips in. I just need to keep going at it to have all the resources I need to survive and I will be able to reap the benefits of my hardships. I just need to be patient, while continuing to be strategic with my choices and actions.

#3 - I want to be rid of shame.

I need to be kinder to myself, especially because I know how much I do to advocate for my dreams and my needs - but some days, how difficult it is to be okay with where I am currently. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I truly feel so much shame as a 28-year-old who cannot drive, does not own property, has no partner, and a very uncertain future in Australia (with visa rules and guidelines always changing). I constantly need to remind myself of how far I've come instead of focusing on how much more I have to go, but it's not always easy. I associate so much shame in not achieving what I want in the timeframe I have set for myself, but if we're being honest - who even really cares about that? Why am I giving into societal pressures my high-achieving asian ass was conditioned to succumb to? My journey is mine and mine alone, and it can be however long or short it has to be. I try every single day - some days harder than others, but I try nonetheless. And there's no shame in that.

#4 - I want love.

Lastly, before my openness expires, I'll let you hear it here first. I want love. I am trying my best not to picture R when I talk about the l-word but the acceptance we had for each other was so deep, I can't help but look back at it. I have completely let go of that era, but I am also so thankful that it happened. Every single thing I went through with everyone I've ever loved in the past decade (and probably throughout my life) has created my concept and understanding of love, that today I can describe with full certainty the kind of love I want. I want a love that is certain of me, a love willing to grow with me and hold my hand throughout my journey, a love that keeps me accountable but also understands that some days I will be imperfect and not feel my best, or not make the best choices. I want a love filled with passion, but also with respect for the things that make me me, and the things that I advocate for. I want a love who believes in me and my goals and dreams... A love that hopes with me and works with me because we know tomorrow can be better. A love that can appreciate the present with me and look at the past with gratitude instead of longing and regret. A love willing to explore new things with me but also know when it's time to be still and rest. I want a love I am happy to choose, and that chooses me in return. And most of all, my deepest desire -- coming from a girl whose parents were completely wrong for each other -- I want a love that lasts.

What a time to be soft. Happy 1st of September.

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

on random unexpected ways

I just put that title but I am really not sure of what I really want to say to you. I always think I need a thesis statement for these letters but I always reminded myself that this project of ours is for simply writing.

Anyway, yes it is true that I am impatiently waiting for your letter. It become one of the highlights of my week so please write to me every week. Hahaha! I know that I can write to you anytime but I want to have letters too! If I'm going to write with no reply, then I should just have blogged on my own. HMP. Hahaha

But seriously, your letters give me ideas on what to write about. It sparks a topic that I will not think about on a normal day. It kind of makes me think outside my main thoughts and excited about what I might uncover while writing these letters.

And for today, I want to tell you about my day. To give a background, for the past few weeks, my life became somehow routinary. It is more of work, thinking of what time I should sleep since I haven't fully adapted to being awake all night, sleeping, and being in my head most of the time.

This afternoon, I have a lot of conflicted feelings. I know what I want to do in my life but for some reason, I think I'm scared to do it when I don't think my dream is not that scary. I am scared that I might fail even if I tried my best, of discovering it is not my dream after all and I am scared because it's a dream of doing this thing alone. I am so afraid of being alone, no let me correct that, I am scared of being lonely while achieving my dreams.

As you know, back in college, I have various big groups of friends but when I went out of college, those groups were depleted by almost 3/4. I am not complaining about losing them. I like that I only have good and sensible relationships, I like that I can be alone with myself. But there are times I crave the company of big groups. Have those moments that you won't remember after a while but the feeling it gave you stays. Or I don't know maybe I'm just looking for a distraction for my thoughts.

Going back to this day (or yesterday), I was on the verge of another breakdown. I haven't seen the sun for a week, haven't seen any other people, I hardly see my brother and father. It is just me in my bedroom, in my own world. I feel like I can't do anything even if I wanted to because I don't have any cash to splurge.

But I decided to still go out. I have this sudden surge of energy to say that I will go for a walk in Freedom Park (spoiler, I didn't go to Freedom Park). I wore leggings and a big T-shirt and pulled out this belt bag I bought last June which was specifically for when I go on walks in UP which I just used for the first time today.

When I was about to ride the tricycle, I was a little bit shocked, that I asked the driver to drop me off at the church in Bay. I found myself inside the church talking to God casually (as always). I told him my main concern and told Him do not to test me anymore regarding that thing. Maybe in about 6 months or a year but not now. Haha! I told Him I am so bothered that I even went to "His house". Dinayo ko pa Siya, kaya mahabag Siya sa akin. Hahaha

(btw, there was no one selling candles so I wasn't able to light one for you)

After that, I thought about what should I do. I still don't want to go back to my room. UPLB is too far away (3 rides, about 45 mins). So I was thinking of going to Sta. Cruz to try this restaurant that I've been wanting to go to back in college but there weren't any jeeps. And then I remembered, there was a new restaurant on the highway that is about 1.6km away from where I was during that time.

Of course, me being me, I decided to walk that 1.6 km. I convinced myself that it is my practice when I finally do a spiritual pilgrimage, that I need it because I haven't had any physical activity for a while now and hadn't seen the sun for a week.

As I was walking, I was smiling, thinking how random I am, and didn't think it would be more random in the next scene.

As I was walking, I saw this:

I didn't know there was an event happening in the road that's why there were no jeeps to Sta. Cruz. I was amused by this random thing that I got to experience on my own just because I decided to go out. It was so funny for me.

It made me feel comforted and a little bit nostalgic. It made me feel okay that doing things on my own is going to be great. It doesn't mean that things like this will always happen but rather knowing myself enough that I can make myself happy by doing random choices or finding random things to amuse me. I really like that about me.

Still, it would be nice to share those random moments with someone. But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy my alone time. I can't wait for other priceless, random moments to happen to me.

Learning to love myself wholeheartedly is really a fluctuating thing, there are days that I hate myself so much, and there are days I love myself. There are days I count the things I don't have and get frustrated about it. But during those trying days, I always remind myself, that hey no matter what happens, I can pull myself through it because that's just who I am. I just wish I don't have to do it a lot of times.

I don't know how to end this. Hahaha, so I'm ending it here.

To showing up for ourselves even if it can be tiring and difficult,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

it's been a while

Hi Ana,

I initially was going to write about dating to annoy you, but as you know, the past few weeks have been crazy busy for me. Just in the month of July, I managed to:

Move into a new house (with housemates, of course - as a poor international student)

Paid my ridiculously expensive tuition fee and started school again

Found a new job + wrapped up with my old job

Started with the new job creating digital content, and it's been crazy busy!

Watched both Barbie and Oppenheimer while having a love-hate relationship with the men (and women!) in my life

And lastly, but most importantly, missed out on your birthday! (So sorry I didn't get to give you as much attention as you needed, but to be fair, you require a copious amount)

Thank you so much for (im)patiently waiting for my letter. I know it's been a really long wait, and this life update will likely not be too exciting, but I guess, that's what life sometimes is.

It's so funny, it's the third week of class and some of my classmates today introduced themselves to me... because they didn't recognise me from the first two weeks since it's my first time attending class without looking like a zombie.

I'm trying my best to squeeze this project of ours into my day that I'm currently typing this in the middle of class. On the background, I'm listening to my design thinking professor talk about framing.

As a huge selfie enthusiast yourself, you might find this discussion interesting. You know how when you capture an image of one thing, you can never really get a complete picture of the situation? Like a selfie would likely not show that your socks have holes in them, or that the other parts of your room looks like chaos...

The same way that when we look at other people, there’s many sides to them present, but we only see what is visible to us and connect them to what we know from our perspective. Los Baños, as framed in your previous letter, triggers a completely different mental picture for me. It’s rough around the edges and has been my place of comfort and dwelling for many of our years towards adulthood, but I couldn’t say I’ve known it as long as you have. I don’t have the same understanding nor attachment to the community as someone like you who grew up in it. Together, both images create a more fruitful and complicated image of the same place, despite us having completely different experiences and relationships with the place. Both of which equally true and valid.

It took me forever to write back to you that I wish I had more to say. But honestly, right now I just want to give you a picture of what my life has been like. Life has been good. Filled with love and fulfillment in every corner, but not without its own healthy amount of mess.

At this point, I’m just taking it all in, and allowing myself to be open to everything.

As Rilke so beautifully put, “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” (If it sounds familiar, it’s the quote at the end of Jojo Rabbit)

Looking forward to looking past my frames & gaining better clarity,

Tabitha

PS — I will try my best to write to you more frequently, but even in my absence, please feel free to send me more letters. Reading, I always have time for. Writing, these days, not so much.

[letters-between-friends]

memories in spaces

Dear Tabi,

The mention of Elbi in your last letter made me think and reflect on the spaces I've occupied through the years. And of course, Elbi has been a place I will always remember not because I liked my life back when I was spending my days there. It's because it's literally where I grew up specifically inside the UPLB compound.

My earliest memory of UPLB is playing in my father's office in Pili Drive, overlooking the fields and counting how many cars are in the passing train and comparing how long or short it was to the others that already passed. That place was called BioCon and I can say that the childhood memories I have back there is sort of my own Studio Ghibli film.

After that, I studied in MSI and CSI which are both located inside UPLB. It's funny that I look at UPLB differently for each phase of my life. It looks different from when I was in elementary, high school, and college.

There was a lot to tell about those experiences but my one favorite memory is back in Grade 3, when we do not know yet how things work in the adult world, we used to eat our packed lunch in Black and Brew. Can you believe that, that restaurant has been serving pastas and coffee for that long? It literally saw me grow up until I can finally afford their meals!

When I left after I finished my degree, I do not have any longing for this place. I just saw it as a reminder of how hard college life was for me. But this year, Elbi became another setting for another core memory of mine. It packaged itself again as another place for me. It gave me another meaning. And I still long to have a place of my own in that town with easy access to the places I want to visit even if it's impractical.

I never really wanted this letter to be only about Elbi but it really does give a lot of topics I wish to write about. But anyway, what I like to say is that I believe that the spaces we occupy hold memories, and if I wanted to erase or replace bad memories, sometimes I just need to go back to those places and create a new memory.

Our home in Bay was not really a comfort zone growing up but now it is. Boracay is just one of the places I went with my ex before but now it just reminds me of my peaceful days alone. There are a lot of memories I want to create with places that I have visited or just revisit and feel how far away I am from the person that was in those places.

It's been 30 years of existence!!! Yes, I am so aware and making this a big deal. But 30 years??? Wow, I really need to start writing my experiences for the future me. This letter made me reflect on how much has happened in my 30 years of existence which I treasure, bad or good.

Anyway, what about you? What are you thinking these days besides dating? Hmmm

Love lots,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

a bright but sunless morning

Hi Ana,

I’m writing this during a sunless morning in Perth. It’s winter so the sun rises so very late - meaning, it’s 6:30am but it’s still pitch black outside.

Uni is about to resume for me in the next couple of weeks so I’ve been trying to get my affairs in order. From my work, to my academics, and most importantly these days, my finances. There’s also a great opportunity I really hope to get at around the end of July so let’s keep our fingers crossed! 

So many fidgety things when it comes to adulting, but I think you’re right. While we are not exactly where we want to be, we do have plenty of wins to celebrate. From being those broke college girls who would share a sinigang meal (and maybe splurge on a bottle of beer) at Copacabana just so they can use the karaoke machine for more hours than necessary, we are now able to do so many of the things we’ve wanted to do for years.

We’re now able to date intentionally, travel freely, love (and learn) wildly - all such luxuries I didn’t realise were so important.

I remember giving myself a pep talk last year about how I just need to keep my head down and get through the next two years - but alas, life is too short! I ended up doing my best despite sometimes having to stretch myself and my wallet thin to get better opportunities, move out of home again, to put myself out there in work and in love. I started new hobbies (writing with you included), and just... rediscovered myself and the kind of life I wanted to have in this world.

Especially in this winter cold, I do sometimes miss being in a relationship, but a good friend (who is now happily engaged) told me to cherish these days, because once I am in a real committed relationship, I won’t have the time and space to be completely by myself for quite some time. This makes complete sense, because the shortest relationship I’ve been in was 2 years. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s a whole lot of time.

Thinking about all this now makes me see Los Banos as this distant memory. I understand that the LB I knew and grew up in is very different from how it looks now, but the sentiment has not changed. It was a wonderful place to make mistakes and discover yourself. Be cringe and make friends who would love and accept you despite it. It was a place to laugh and cry and love, and be smart and dumb, all at the same time -- while being disconnected to the weight that adulthood brings. 

How grateful I am to start this day with thoughts of happy days and simpler times! I am in love with how deeply rooted the memories are, and yet not impossible to top. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that while LB almost operates like a vacuum, the real connections we made there transcended the space - and our friendships continue to grow and thrive out of that environment! 

Time check: 7:14 and I’m starting to see a bit of light outside so I’ll end this letter here since I still have to do some errands before pilates - but I do have some thoughts about you turning 30 soon! (How exciting!) I’ll post it in a separate letter, but until then - I hope your days remain bright and sunny!

PS - B* called me the other day and I never thought the word ‘bright’ could be used to describe a phone voice but it was the perfect adjective for it - like an infectious smile but in voice form.

May we continue finding things in our days that brighten up our lives! (And in the same breath, have the courage to say no to things that dull our shine) ❤️

Until next time,

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

a midyear reflection

Dearest Tabi,

Apologies for bringing up that topic. I guess it's just one of the topics that I have a lot to say as it changed a lot of my perspective on things.

But anyway, it is already my birth month! I am excited to be 30! I dreaded this age when I was 26 to 28 years old. But at 29, I realized that I will be starting a new decade. A decade where I can give back to myself by taking care of it instead of gifting it with material things (haha).

Last June, I keep thinking to myself what I want to do on my birthday. Do I want to travel solo again or celebrate with friends? Or just maybe having dinner at a high-end restaurant dressed in sophisticated clothes. But alas, I find myself penniless on my birthday again. I can't even remember when was the last time I enjoyed my birthday the way I wanted it to be.

Maybe, that is the universe telling me to stop thinking that I have to do something grand to celebrate and instead focus on the things around me that I should be grateful for.

So to start my birth month, I am writing this letter to tell you what I am grateful for in the first half of 2023.

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1. Officially closing my last relationship

I am grateful to my January self for recognizing that to be able to move forward, I need to make sure that I won't give myself reasons to feel something for my ex, may it be positive or negative. I am glad that I was reasonable even though it means that things ended not the way that I imagined (like getting a laptop in the process).

2. Finally resigned from my job

After a long process, I was able to resign from my job after trying for almost a year but never finding the "right time". Finally, I've come to terms that maybe it's just not the right job for me and I don't need to fix myself just to feel better about it.

3. Solo Traveling!

My teenage self will be so happy to learn that I finally had the courage to try solo traveling! It was my first time booking flights and being fully independent! I really love my time in Boracay and just doing things without worrying about other people.

Hopefully, I can do it again before the year ends.

4. Reconnecting with friends

I tried reaching out to my friends again. I must admit, I neglected them during my three-year relationship. I always think that I don't have enough money to hang out etc. And since I came back here to our family home, I made conscious efforts to reach out and see them personally. I am so happy that after 3-4 years of not seeing each other, we were still able to talk about stuff. I really appreciate low-maintenance friendships.

5. Setting standards and following through

So after I had fun, I started job hunting again with clear criteria on what kind of job I wanted to have. I am so happy. It took me a while and there were a lot of times that I want to give up and just get a so-so job. But I'm glad I was given the privilege to hold and wait for the universe to give me what I want.

This gave me so much power and hopefully, I can apply this to other areas of my life.

6. Learning my priorities

This year also is a wake-up call for me on who are the people I should prioritize. My dad's hospitalization shooked me a lot this year and has given me a lot of thoughts to think about.

I guess the best thing I learned about myself in that chapter of my life is that it became another fuel to my mindset of "no problem is big enough that I won't be able to stand up again."

7. Taking care and validating myself

I still have a lot to learn about this, but now I am in a space where I want to look good and do great for myself and not for anyone.

Up next is taking care of my health.

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To summarize (haha), I am grateful that finally I am gaining back my power and I'm coming back to who I really am with a better version! There is still a lot to think about and figure out but I am happy to be in a space where I can say, that I can do it, and I can get through it because I am Ana :)

What about you? What are the things you are grateful for this year? I would like to hear about your reflections for this midyear. I think this is the year we connected the most but even though I am updated with your life, I am still curious about your own list and your take on it.

Love lots,

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

a tough pill to swallow

Ana,

I can’t believe you mentioned mothers! I mean, I understand, but I’m also sitting here trying to find the right words - or any words for that matter - because you know it’s one of the few topics I try my hardest to avoid.

When it comes to mothers or parents in general, I found that the best way to deal with any guilt or disappointment is to see them as human beings instead of our creators and supposed caretakers. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a hard pill to swallow and I continue to find it unfair, since we don’t really get a choice in the matter of how they wanted to raise us + it takes years and years of self reflection and therapy to undo any damage (emotional or otherwise) that have been inflicted on us. But I think this route makes it easier to understand why they were the way they were (or in my case, are) and try to accept that none of it was personal.

For example, my parents were young when they had me and my sister. Much younger than us right now. I can’t even imagine being a mum now, let alone when I was five or so years younger. I was so undeniably and unnecessarily stupid then, and I made such terrible decisions! I learned from them all, but the mistakes were necessary in the learning.

The Tabitha from 2011 who wrote a play (that was staged) about being abandoned by her mother has an entirely different mindset from the Tabitha writing to you now. Today, I have accepted that it was never about me. I still think that it was unfair that I had to live life very confused and longing for my parents’ love. I mean, part of the wounds from it, I still am trying my best to heal... but knowing that they also sacrificed and fought so much to find the balance between living their lives as human beings and being responsible parents makes me feel slightly better. Like, I understand. 

I know your circumstances are different but in a sense, similar - to my parents that is. You have wonderful parents, and I know unlike mine, your mum was very caring and present. But now you’re faced with the challenge of finding the balance between being a good daughter in return and living your life as an individual. If it’s any consolation, I think a parent’s love is unconditional in a sense that it does not seek repayment. So no amount of love or service is necessary, but it is, of course, appreciated. 

While I did not know your mother, but if I know one thing that’s a general truth about parents, it’s that despite not all of them being able to provide a great life for their children, they all seem to yearn for their children to find love and happiness. And I think the best way to honour the love, service, and sacrifice our parents have given us is to apply ourselves and find what makes us happy in this quite limited life. We only have one, after all.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on so much about this that I didn’t even get to tell you about my week - which was rather nice. I started seeing someone I have much more chemistry with than P, both physically and mentally, but this time I’m trying to just take it a step at a time and learn how to sit in the discomfort of not knowing what’s coming next.

I’ve also started looking for places to move - which is a huge step! I’m still crunching numbers to see how I can make it work, but I have high hopes that things will eventually fall into place. All we have to do is keep trying.

Talk to you again soon,

Tabitha

[letters-between-friends]

#1 on giving and receiving

Dearest Tabi,

Thank you for the wonderful letter you sent and for initiating our first letter. I've been contemplating on what topic to write upon receiving it and this particular passage caught my eye:

"I wish the love, in the form of communication, empathy and kindness that I’ve been putting into the world finds its way back to me. Not really as a payback, but some days, I need it too."

I have the same sentiments but I think what differs us is that I really crave for someone to give it back to me. I am fully aware of what I give and I can't help myself from expecting. 

The thing is, I really love giving, may it be in the form of gifts, time or effort. But when I don't receive it back, I start to count all the things I gave and became bitter and dissatisfied. 

I tried to reflect on this. Is it true that nobody gave me the same giving I give out to the world? Have nobody ever loved me the way I can love a person? I was reminded that I had that person but I was not able to show my appreciation. I just received and received from this person until she was gone. 

My mother gave a lot to me. May it be in the form of clothes or patience. She always wants the best for me (in her own version) and always want me to be around. I realized after she left us, how I disregarded my family and how I run from them when the love I was seeking was there all along. I run but they still seek for me. 

I painted them in my mind as the villain of the story of becoming who I was really meant to be. When all along, they were the reason of who I am today and apparently the standard I was trying to look for. 

I fear that because I ignored my mother's giving and instead focus on giving to others, it is my karma not to receive the same amount of giving I gave ever. How much giving should I give out in order to make it even? How can you ever repay unconditional love?

These are just some of the thoughts I have in mind. These are the thoughts that I need to sit in for a while and let the future me find the answers as life unfolds. 

And while waiting for the answers, I'll definitely still give and hopefully find someone like my mother who can love me unconditionally. 

I hope you also find that person for you Tabi. 

Love lots, 

Ana

[letters-between-friends]

thoughts on kindness and empathy

Hi Ana, 

I haven’t slept properly in days. Between working, trying to get healthy, studying for my masters, and on top of that, a bit of boy drama (side note: my god, can you believe we’re still not over this in 2023), it has been wild. I think, in general, trying is hard. But we do it anyway, because what’s the point of life without it.

This week, I’ve been pondering on kindness and empathy. Within the past five years, maybe more, I have forged so many connections with random people around the world. It didn’t start in London, but I think my experience there was one of the first few times that I was clearly faced with how lonely people actually are, and sometimes all they need is a good conversation.

From talking to our tourbus driver (and former lorry driver - I felt the need to include this for context, as this was around the time a lorry got into an accident in the UK and it was eventually revealed that they were trying to traffic humans in it, so it made for interesting conversation) John over a meal at no other than McDonald’s, to that cute barista from Starbucks who had Filipino roommates, and even ‘R’ who would continue to call me over google meet many months after, just to chat and share about our days.

All that from barely a two-week trip that made me ill.

Fast-forward to 2023, on Wednesday, I was on a call with ‘B’. We had only met once, and yet I remembered it was his birthday so I sent him a quick greeting. He thanked me for being one of the only five who did. It wasn’t a big deal but this is a man who has spent three decades in the world, most of them in Australia - and yet, he spent his birthday working at home and eventually calling me for almost a two-hour conversation. I had just come home from a looong day of work then (My boss was in Perth for the week, so I’ve been coming into the office more), and we just... talked. It was nice.

But it got me thinking about how open my line is for people who need to talk. 

I’ve spent countless hours talking to you on the phone and in person so I think you’d understand more than anyone how open I am to hearing and listening to other people’s stories. Some days, I joke about how I should start charging people (especially men!) who try to unload their emotions in my dm’s or with me in general, but most days, I feel honoured. 

How lovely it is to be the friend or even acquaintance that they trusted with their stories. I am honoured and grateful, and I hope nothing bad enough ever happens to me that I forget to be kind and empathetic when people reach out and tell me about their days, and their lives.

Today was a bit difficult for me. I’ve been trying to self-soothe and not let my anxiety about all the messy parts of life take over. Thankfully, I have good friends and sisters who give me support and cuddles when it’s what I need.

But some not-so-good days, like this one in particular, I wish the love, in the form of communication, empathy and kindness that I’ve been putting into the world finds its way back to me. Not really as a payback, but some days, I need it too.

Thank you for agreeing to do this with me, listening to my stories, and sharing your own.

I look forward to reading your letter.

X,

Tabi