#sometimes I just want to hit my brain
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Dieses ständige alles was mit Kultur zu tun hat = rechts = nazi hat mich definitiv nicht negativ beeinflusst!
#ok but literally#''hate how big of an influence the US has'' vs my brain immediately being like ''what are you? a nationalist? I thought we are in favour-#of cultures mixing?'' is.... definitely fun... o(-( idk idk#sometimes I just want to hit my brain#rains rants#english nonsense#this is a post I wish I could do in a language no one here speaks#this is like the ignore that I'm posting this UNLESS you also have that experience then please talk with me :3#I always think that I probably just had a lot of influence from... questionable places but then everyone agrees and I think 'huh'#like maybe this isn't as me specific as I think it is#I should stop talking k
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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Hey guys,,,,guess whos not dead?!
Teen Dad Logan :)
Or, I suppose more accurately, Young Dad Logan. And by adjacency, Uncle Dad Victor.
This turned out to be one of my largest pieces of writing ever Bee-Tee-Dubs so its going to be under this to not Kill You All:
So in this AU they meet when they're 10 and 11, Jimmy just out of foster care after they found out he's a mutant, and Vic a few weeks after murdering his Father.
At first, it's honestly Jimmy showing Victor a lot of things. Simple things, like how to forage and how to scent, but it's all...quiet. Jimmy already carries a sense of shame for his ferocity that Vic never enjoys. So he draws the kid into fights, helps him laugh until his face is red with laughter instead of shame. He learns about him, and in turn Jimmy learns about him. Happy enough kids until things turned south. One was locked up and the other ran away. They escaped and found each other. It was meant to be.
Victor gives him his new name. Jimmy hasn't felt like His in a long time and the first time Vic calls him Logan, he beams.
Vic still calls him Jimmy when he's scared, but it's their little secret.
Anyways, they stay rough and tumble until The developers in the Weapon X project find them, aged 14 and 15 respectively. It's Victor's idea that they stay. Logan, for all his desires to settle down, feels chafed by the military, but Vic sees through that, see's what they could be, in the future. See's him and his Runt living free after serving, what's a few years as lab rats if they get all their adult life? What's being looked at like a monster when he's allowed to be a monster and still get schooling? Logan doesn't think any of these things, but when Vic nods, he does too.
They're only allowed to be together for the first three months, and then their forced apart, to 'reduce codependency'. They last two years without each other, and when they're reunited...things are different.
Creed has grown into his role, with each murder proving that his dad wasn't special, he's always been meant for this, how dare Anyone Try to stop him. He's become an Animal. Sabretooth.
And Wolverine....is Wolverine now. But doesn't take long before Vic realizes somethings wrong. Wolverine glances at him, but there's no glint of recognition in his eyes. As Creed starts to question him, he thinks it's a clone. So he Kills It.
Its only the third time Logan revives and puts his claws through Creeds chest that Creed realizes it's his runt. Still, being forgotten stings, being ignored stings worse, and there's a lot more blood shed before the guards are able to separate the two.
Safe to say they butt heads a lot more. Vic goads him often, word for word the way he used to, and like a house of cards, Wolverine always folds. The only times he seems to come back to himself for a moment, are the moments after Creed's killed him, and he's just waking up. He'll get a look on his face, one Vic recognizes. He's seen it a hundred of times before, even if the runt always tried to hide it:
Fear. Exhaustion.
They never talk. Victor pets his hair as Logan's throat is rapidly sewing itself back together, or Logan rumbling under Vic's body as his puncture wounds close. In those moments, Logan Remembers.
...
It all starts to fall apart when one Logan Howlett, at the fresh age of 18, is chosen to become Weapon X.
Creed sees red. This was HIS goal, His to earn, that stupid brat doesn't even want to be here, Logan doesn't even remember why he's-
He doesn't even remember why he came here in the first place.
But Sabretooth is smart. He figures out when, and where, they're going to do the operation. And obviously, he bursts in.
As he does, he overhears a Commander noting that they should 'wipe wolverines mind clean one last time, to make sure he's only obedient to them.
And that is First Strike.
Victor lashes out, taking down a doctor and a guard before anyone can blink. But his noise distracts the surgeons and other doctors carefully monitoring The Wolverine's Adamantium intake, and one of them nudges their controls in their scramble to get away, pushing significantly more onto his skeleton than originally planned.
Victor stops when he hears screaming.
Logan hears....nothing. He knows the procedure is going to begin, but he doesn't know when. When the burning starts, he goes to that little place in his head he pretends he doesn't have. He sees flashes of Creed's face, snarling and smiling, and he feels...safe. He sees white, and red hair and...hears yelling. His eyes open, and immediately close as salt water rushes into them. He breathes unsteadily through his
The water stops draining but the burning doesn't stop. Worse, his head feels like it's being torn apart, a feeling he remembers but can't name. And suddenly, nothing matters because,
Sabretooth is calling him Jimmy and why why WHY DOES EVERYTHING HURT OW OW OW OW OW OW Victor help please please plEASE PLEASE VICTOR VIC-
...
Safe to say the adamantium causes even more psychological damage to them.
There is one single benefit: The Memory Adjustment failed. In fact, it failed so bad that Creed, for three whole days, get's Logan to himself.
They don't do much. Logan wakes up and launches himself at Vic, legs collapsing as his ligaments struggle to accustom themselves to the weight of his new bones. He's in constant pain, mostly just looking at Vic with big, sad brown eyes until he lies back down with him on the shitty Hospital ordered bed. It creaks under them, but thankfully never gives.
When they do talk, they don't talk about the memories. About Wolverine gutting Sabretooth to prove a point, about Sabretooth biting out his spinal chord, about Wolverine ripping out his teeth in claws. None of it matters. They know it can't last. Creed didn't plan, and Logan is too weak to think, not that he does much of that in the first place.
After those days of clarity post operation, Logan is wiped clean. And for the next year, it's back to normal. For Wolverine at least.
But of course, Logan has to beat him to the punch. Literally.
Around a month after the one year anniversary of his Surgery, Wolverine comes Bursting through the training rooms, with twenty guards hot on his trail. Sabretooth, a Predator, Obviously follows. Logan runs and runs and runs, and eventually rips the door of a particular room, to reveal...
an eerily large room filled with tubes. There's wires and things being suspended in liquid, and at first, Victor can't comprehend what he's looking at. By the time he reads 'X-02', Doner Wolverine, Logan's already broken three of the tubes with his claws, uncaring of the thick glass cutting him open in retribution for being shattered.
people go flying, and as they hit equipment the room itself begins to collapse, separating Sabretooth from Wolverine. Wolverine continues through the rooms, ensuring that there's nothing deeper inside that can help them make more of him. He has enough nightmares. Sabretooth stays back to help finish the job. All those tubes don't destroy themselves, you know?
He finds a room full of his samples, and a woman in a chair. A woman with a bullet in her neck instead of her head. Poor thing had probably gotten caught in between him and the guards. But why was she just sitting-
The woman has a baby in her arms, tubes still attached. He growls for a moment, moving to finishes her off, but freezes when she and she's groans.
"Laura...Laura..."
Logan looks at her little beady eyes, mousy brown hair, and knows...she's his.
Before he's even thought about it she's cradled in his arms, evidently all wrong because she starts to wail and Vic skids in, shoulder denting the doorframe as he stops and stares at the scene in front of him.
The woman gives one final shudder, and her head lulls. Dead.
Still, there's no time to think. Victor hears thuds getting closer to the room, and as he looks to his right he realizes there's only one way out. The window. Oh well.
with a swear, he lifts Logan by the back of his jacket and gives him a shove, and his back goes strait through the paneling and out of the fourth story. Victor whoops, and follows him down. By the time he's already made his much more elegant landing, Logan is groaning and cussing him out as much as his winded lungs will let him, which is a surprising amount. Still, Vic scruffs him again and sets him on his feet, and nods in the direction of the woods.
"Lets go"
And they do.
They end up being surrounded by the X-Men somewhere in Maine and are "Invited" to Stay at Xavier's school. Logan decides for them this time. A house, a promise that the government will be dealt with for them, and that he can get all of his memories back are very good motivators. And they an finish their education.
Victor actually...enjoys classes. He likes being smart, and it's easy. Logan does Charter school. He had lasted exactly a week in public education before deciding that if he had to deal with one more idiotic comment from one of those stupid fucking kids he was going to-
Well. His words were Not Child Friendly, so he made sure to cover his kid's ears. Besides, he's bonded with fellow teen Rogue and preteen Jubilee and Kitty (his daughters) like little sisters, but he never really settles unless he's with his Kid. His Laura.
He had to fight to keep her, a young unstable mutant like him was not the ideal parent, but for the first two months, she sobbed if anyone else held her, terrible screeches, and would reach for him to the point of falling out of peoples arms. And, he had imprinted on her to. He swore he could tell when she was happy or uncomfortable before she could, would burp her or flip her back onto her back before she got fed up with tummy time.
Vic is Terrified of touching her but refuses to admit it. He carefully runs his finger down her pudgy little cheek, in awe of her soft skin against his knuckle, when she moves suddenly, and she attempts to nuzzle her way into his palm. He, obligingly, opens his hand. When one of his claws scrapes her hair, he freezes, waiting for her to cry out. Instead, she burbles happily, honey brown eyes giving him long, slow blinks.
She likes his head scratches the best.
Logan sometimes falls asleep with her on his stomach on the couch, leaving Victor to carry him AND his clingy baby back to bed, the crib next to them so Laura can still grab onto Logans finger. They sleep together now, in a nest of blankets and pillows, Logans hand always off the bed but still somehow still touching Vic, as if to make sure he's still there.
Their codependency is back full swing, and the only time they can be reliably separated is when Vic goes to school, because he goes with Scotty, and the Boy Scout would never let anything happen to another mutant, even if that mutant makes him want to shoot him with his laser-beam full power just to see what would happen.
Thankfully, because of Victors presence, the Mind Adjustment does actually work, but it leaves Logan questioning his parallel memories for years. In the process they realize that...Victors memories have been tampered with too.
But that, is a story for another time.
#did#did you guys notice my Dead Name parallels at the beginning. And also my Brain Exploding this took TWO WEEKS to finalize i hope yall r happ#holy CRAP#anyways tags#blorboblurbs#wolverine#logan howlett#fanfic ideas#logan#fanfic#x men#victor creed#sabretooth#sabertooth#x 23#also guys!!! peep the changing of Names!!!! this is (almost always) on purpose!!!!! : D#also i do not want this to seem Sabretooth bashy as like the Bad Guy that Forced Logan to be like this#this is just mostly? from Creeds perspective in my head#whith only quick shots from Logans#so its more blamey than the situation really is.#In reality#Logan has always had a lot of independance#and knows how to make his own decisions and he CHOSE to go because he ALSO saw things that Weapon X could do for him. Not the same ones#but similar#what i mean to say is that they are two closely intertwinded little guys who may or may not be codependant an therefore in Love <3#but also that they are independant people who are intelegant in separate ways. Victor thinks too hard sometimes#he's tricky and likes to plan. Logan thinks in the moment#and knows that things are ever shifting. why plan when you can hit Real Hard
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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current editing moodboard, please send help
#perfectionism is really kicking my butt rn#that and the fact i had like a week away from writing properly bc chronic pain and now i can’t get back into the headspace#so yeah#perfectionism and brain fog#the inimitable duo#and i know i just need to be patient because it’ll get in the end there like it always does#but rn i’ve spent two nights in a row trying to polish up the last bits of this chapter#and i still just feel so detached from it all i want to pitch my laptop out the window#but i can’t afford a new laptop each time i want to defenestrate it#so this little rant will have to do instead#UGH#it’s so annoying because i am actually so so proud of this chapter and have loved writing it and can’t wait to share it#it’s just this last little bit that i seem to be hitting a brick wall with#anyway sorry#four walls readers don't worry i go through this just about every chapter lol#i'm just feeling it particularly this time because it's a particularly big chapter (both in terms of length and content)#and sometimes venting in the tags and creating an alex moodboard is very therapeutic#writing stuff#alex turner#writer's block#lulu posts
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been doing some internal questioning that boils down to “is it the auADHD or i am plural in some way???”
and i’m. not sure if i want to know the answer. at least not yet.
#ensiger#possibly plural#this post is brought to you by a monoconscious culture post that hit a lot harder than i thought it would#'wait how long have i been me. when did i stop being the other guy'#also a lot of the Dragonheart Collective's essay points in Dissociation. & internal thought voice.#the only point in Identity disturbances that really hit was -#Feeling like you weren't born in that body & that you simply appeared one day inside of it.#like. i sometimes feel like ''I'' is more than one internally.#like i'm One Person in the way a cartoon character can be animated/storyboarded by multiple artists.#does that make sense as like?? a plural thing???#or is that just the depersonalization & bees in my brain??#also that like. the 'current me' stepped into my body & 'replaced' whoever used to be here. i have (most) of my memories & shit but just.#i'm not totally sure if this is a 'i have grown and changed since i was a child' or 'i'm a different person in every sense of the word.'#i kind of stewed on this questioning a couple years(?) ago when i was first learning about multiplicity. but nothing ever really came of it#bc digging further into it didn't feel useful. all the stuff i was reading didn't feel like it was lining up with what's going on in here#i've recently been doing some reading on monoconscious & median systems but.#i don't want to act on anything until i Know. or at least until i Know More.#also i'm about 90% sure my kintypes are not headmates/alters/etc. they feel like / similar to my gender & not. ''extra Me's'' so to speak
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I just want a dreamling fic of Hob getting Dream to do terribly human and mundane things. Sometimes Hob's just inviting Dream to do something he was already going to do. Sometimes Hob realizes Dream hasn't done something boring human thing and wants Dream to do it so bad. Sometimes Hob doesn't know whether Dream has done a boring human thing before but he just wants to see Dream doing it. It'd be so cute if whenever Hob doesn't have access to something, upon becoming better and better at navigating the dreaming, he just dreams up the situation there.
—OKAY WAIT THIS LITERALLY JUST FLEW INTO MY HEAD!!! Okay, you know how wives sometimes go with their husband's to golf courses and they literally just sit in the cart. CAN YOU IMAGINE— Dream's with Hob at Hob's place of work and Hob's coworkers/work friends invite Hob to play golf with them and Hob agrees for whatever reason and then Hob's work friends invite Dream along too and Hob didn't even think about it but now he NEEDS Dream to go and Dream reluctantly agrees. In true wifey fashion Dream shows up in full golf attire like he's going to play but just sits in the cart the entire time. I think it could be hilarious.
#I just want scenes of Dream being ///Hob's/// boyfriend/husband/lover#sometimes without him actually being Hob's yet#(for anyone wondering if the wifes do anything else while sitting in the cart. they watch their husbands play and slide into the driver's#seat when their husbands tell them to bring the cart over 👀)#I used to work on a golf course is why I know this. they honest to god looked like they were going to play but never leave the car. I would#need to figure out if they were playing bc I needed to know if they were going to hit or if I could continue working or not#In true Dream fashion he would know everything going on and how to do it but he wouldn't want to upstage Hob and I'm sure he wouldn't wanna#act as if he were bad at it either#I gotta write this fic man jeez. it twirls in my brain constantly.#dreamling#we've gone from conceivably cute and soft fic to dipping our toe into the crack fic waters but no fear all fics I write are crack#at least a little bit
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Ok so I was wondering like
Top 0.005% of listeners. That's Pretty Damn Small. But I was wondering Just how small...
357.1k monthly listeners
0.005% of 357.1k is... just under 18...
Guys. I'm within the top 20 listeners for IAMX. Period. 🫣
#speculation nation#16K MINUTES OF MY 59K TOTAL MINUTES FOR THE YEAR...#A LITERAL 27% OF ***ALL*** MUSIC I LISTENED TO THIS YEAR........#cant help gettin emo i guess#like i knew he'd be indisputably my top artist but. holy fuck.#THIS ALSO ISNT INCLUDING THE SNEAKER PIMPS ALBUM... which ive listened to obsessively too#as an extension of the obsession with his music. bc he sings in it.#SOMETIMES AN ARTIST HITS U LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN and ur left like. yeah. yeah .#helps that hes got so many albums so i spent Months slowly making my way through them all.#but then i just kept listening to him bc his music just... scratches an itch in my brain idk.#in part it's the grief. Metanoia was a crutch of an album after my uncle died.#and also with my cat... it was just. nonstop IAMX. for Months.#ive been branching out more again recently bc i do like some variety in the music i listen to#but if i want music but dont know what to play it just always ends up going back to IAMX#because it's dependable. it's enjoyable. it's Comfortable.#his music feels like a reset button for me. like returning to a dark room to sleep at night.#it's not dark for the sake of darkness. but for the comfort of it. existing honestly. existing without fear of judgement.#and bringing the analogy together i really have listened to his music to help me sleep a few times#not often just bc i usually dont listen to music as i sleep. im a light sleeper so i need white noise.#but there were a few times i found myself without a working fan. so i turned to his music to act as white noise instead.#not actual white noise of course. but the function of it. the Comfort. the familiarity.#pick one of his lowkey albums and just let it keep going. and it works. it does.#so like. it makes sense. it does. i understand entirely why i rank so high in his monthly listeners.#it's just a bit mind boggling to actually see the tangible numerical value hfkshdjd bc. man. man...
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yippeeee the dices
#this dice collection is so pretty but i’m giving most of it to my friends…#ive been playing dnd or pathfinder with this group for literal years and i’ve like spent so much time with them LOL#and i’m finally seeing some of them this summer#so this is the gift. i still have to get a set for the dm but like i think i’ve already spent ~200 on the dice here so im like oh my god#but im like fuck it lmao they have given me so much happiness lol 😭#also since im already typing i was listening to one of the celebs from my hometown and sometimes it hits me how strange it is#tht i am vaguely interested in this man even though i literally like saw him for 5 seconds#he is like so incredibly famous#i know like 90% of people experience this but it does annoy me so much that i treat famous ppl diff in my brain differently even tho ik#they just want to be treated like normal people lmao 😭#i think its bc my brain goes ‘oh theyre so loved i wish that were me!’ even tho theyre not really experiencing love#w the masses of ppl online#i have a headache from all the plum wine i drank but plum wine is soooo tasty guys#idk what they put in it#probably plum but wow it is so good. lol 😭#i think i will let this headache go away for a little and then go to bed. gn everyone 🐈🐈
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 4: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
The winning option of yesterday's poll was that the adventurer should offer the Well Creature some bread and soup ….
"Completely unsure how to even begin to interact with the strange creature from the well, The Adventurer recalls reading in a book once that 'food is a universal language', or uh.. something like that.. thus, some hearty soup and bread would surely bridge any communication barriers... probably. He serves the little cannister of broth cold, straight from his bag just dumped into a wooden bowl, mostly because he's far too nervous to try and start a fire with someone watching.. hopefully they won't mind the food not being warmed..
After gently placing a single bread roll next to the soup, he steps back, gesturing towards the meal with an uncertain smile. The creature pauses, sniffs around, then promptly disappears back into the darkness. Just as The Adventurer begins to sulk over his apparent rejection, something stirs behind him... With a rush of creaking and plopping noises, the creature resurfaces, revealing it's massive serpent-like body as it hoists itself over the crumbled stone of the well's edge with it's many arms. It cracks open it's mighty jaw just far enough for a tiny blue tongue to slither out, then politely slurps at the soup, delicate enough not to spill any.
Stumbling backwards in shock, The Adventurer simply sits there staring the entire time whilst the creature happily (and rather quickly) enjoys their meal... Seemingly appreciative of his kind offerings, another strange slinking arm creeps up from the depths of the well, daintily opening a velvet sack with it's claws and laying out a small assortment of items onto the grass. Still a bit shaken, but also never one to turn down a free gift, The Adventurer senses that the creature intends for him to take any single item of his choosing... but, which one?"
#paventure posting#polls#choose your own adventure#what can I say.. I like the trope of a smaller creature actaully being a much larger scarier creature which you just dont see because the#creature is in a place/position where most of it's body is obscured lol#sometimes a little guy is actually secretly a much bigger guy of mysterious origins that spans the length of an entire#underground cave system obscured by the facade of a simple well#AND MOST important of all.. the cat is scared.. :( bapy...#also I hate writing for these it's so impossible for me to be short and simple with writing. I always want to make it#extremely detailed and 500 paragraphs long. Giving myself a limit of like 3 paragraphs and a time limit of 20 minutes#is actually impossible for my brain gjhbjhbhj#but I have to post it anyway otherwise I'd spend forever on it and never actually get these done but..hhhh#Just know I am going into my evil vampire library to collapse onto the fainting chair in anguish each time after I hit post#Telling a chronically longwinded details obsessive rambler to ''keep it short'' is like telling a cat not to meow. not to run around the#house at 3am. not to be round and perfect. It is simply against nature#ANYWAY. These items might be useful later. As he continues on his journey - he does indeed have an inventory in my mind#like he can lose and aquire things. has a limited amount of money. Can change his outfit or etc. depending on the choices#people make in the polls. These may not have an immediate purpose (though some can) they'll be factored in down the road
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if I think abt the state of trans politics in the US for more than .2 seconds I start wanting to sob god I hate it here
#damien.txt#obligatory obv this is not the worst place etc etc but like. crazy that i feel WAYYY less safe than i did 3 yrs ago!#like bro what the fuck happened. we were like...... vaguely making progress. why the fuck are we here#it really makes me feel sooo nauseous like i have so much anxiety abt it#so much that my brain starts convincing me that Maybe Im Not Trans bc i get so anxious abt it#literally hitting the 'maybe it's not worth it' mindset even tho like. id-ing as a girl makes me want to throw up#idk. idk idk idk. it's so shitty#unfortunately im a person that really values comfort. and like. it can be really hard for me sometimes to like#decide that those types of risk to personal safety/comfort are worth it. idk.#but also literally ive known i was trans since i was like 12. so. haha. what the fuck would i even do#also! this really has me delaying like. doing certain things with like transition#like lowkey im soooo scared to get top surgery with the current climate#even tho i might have the money for it in abt a year 👀#and like. really truly i cant see myself regretting it. like even if i didnt commit to other transition stuff.#i think i would like top surgery. like forever.#but man!!! im just so scared of getting hate crimed. ugh.#i need to learn to not be. so scared of things like this. like i need to learn to live life like how i want to#but also MANNNN this shit is so scary i cant handle it#yeah. idk what the solution here is. this has literally been on my mind for like a year
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you know, this morning my agenda for the day was cleared. I thought up some errands to take care of tomorrow in one fell swoop, and then it turned out I was gonna get a buddy and the opportunity to take care of about half of it today which, baller, am i right? Plan is to get back out tomorrow at some point and take care of the rest of it and once my brain catches up that the hardest of the trips is out of the way, we'll be set lol
#Should i have done as much today as i ended up doing? probably not but like that's the case any time i leave the house#and like. this way at least i'm spreading the damage out over a couple of days#so there's time to heal up and reassess the situation come morning style#pretend my words are the correct ones in this case - i know they're the ones i want but you might not so just pretend until it's correct#i gotta use my two-ish weeks of mobility wisely and the best way to do that#is to use up all of my mobility as fast as possible right?#okay that's a joke i realized i said to pretend my words were the correct ones but like i should probably clarify#that it is inadvisable to use up all of your mobility all at once if you know that's a possibility#but also a bitch gotta get shit done SOMETIME so like#tomorrow should theoretically be a bunch of easy trips it's just also like 4-5 stops we might be making#so it's important to recognize i may need to pace myself lol#it is ASTOUNDING how much the compression socks help me tbh#like i know my limits pretty good - i don't always listen to them until they hard-stop me but like#i know them we've talked#and i hit my warning signs WAY late into the game tbh#i swear to god please brain realize we Did Several Things on the list please#a list we didn't even have for today to start with please recognize accomplishment brainnnnnnnn
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AuDHD problems be like, "I can't read your intention behind text unless you go all caps or have an emoji in there, and even if you do that my brain can interpret 5 different meanings ranging from this was great, this is great Sarcasm(tm), this is...great?, or LOL YOU SUCK! etc. I need you to literally just TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEANT cause I don't need my brain latching onto this for hours on end wondering wtf did so and so mean by (blank) (blank)....GIVE. ME. CONTEXT."
#autism#adhd#...i hate my brain sometimes#remember jay: your brain is a dumb horse you happen to share a body with#he wants to jump off a cliff and take you with him and sometimes you just gotta slam dunk his ass with the saddle and reign him back#buddy my horse my guy#even if the persons are laughing in our faces we don't need to go to the extreme end of things#come back and eat some oats you dumb fuck#i want to write and crochet later and i can't do that if you're trying to perform a LITERAL interpretation#of lady gagas hit on the edge of glory
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Gawd- DAYUM I need to stop making all these serious edgy etc. Issues with these aged up fictional children every damn time I'm like "ooohhh man, and then, my guy goes through the absolute horrors" suddenly I'm like "oh wait, he's just a little guy. A little itty bitty baby. A skronkly little thing"
#I need a minute it makes my brain hurtttttt#*slams head against desk*#That's a lil better#I've just been thinking about now starting to set down a good story for my au#Well kind of#I'm gonna actually write it out tho#But man I need a breakk#I hate how much I want to explore these dudes and their futures#Because I know damn well doublefine ain't doing anytime soon so I need to do it myself#But shit man#Am I going too far??#Even if I am I'm probably not even gonna care later#I just think mister Razzy boy deserves to be a little mean and snarky when he's older#Just let him be sassy and just a huge prick sometimes#I think he deserves it#My treat#doodles rants#psychonauts future#And then let him get hit with the head with a crowbar#Its almost 2 in the morning son of a bitch
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Anyway, Happy birthday to my actual favourite character, Komui! You'd never guess because I only seem to post about Kanda but I'm telling the truth, I SWEAR! I have very strict rules on who can be my favourite characters and it's not KANDA! Kanda doesn't fit the rules!!!
#the rule is#okay so#don't be mean#the rules is that if i see the character and my heart makes me feel like a school girl kicking my feet 9/10 when they show up#they're my favourite#OR for teen characters like BNHA if when i see them i just want to block them from a hit#like I wanna make sure they're safe#i wanna take them away from the fighting so bad and tuck them into bed with a glass of milk#I wanna protect them so bad!!!#d gray man#komui lee#yk what im not done#YES Sanji AND brook AND Franky make me kick my feetsies!#BUT ITS ALMOST ALWAYS CHARACTERS VOICED BY J. MICHAEL TATUM!!#J. Michael Tatum can voice some characters that i don't like or hate but its REALLY hard for me to move past.#sometimes he'll just say something really mean and my brain will go HA oh noooo#and its not that i like J. Michael Tatum as a person or anything#all i know is he is gay and married#it's JUST the voice and probably the fact of my first 5 favourite anime characters 3 where him so my brain was like oh you have to#be into love with that character be that romantic or family
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