#that and the fact i had like a week away from writing properly bc chronic pain and now i can’t get back into the headspace

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

current editing moodboard, please send help

[sunfloewer]

i'm so sorry to hear that life has been so tough for you, and i hope it will get better. i hope you'll find things worth living for, even if they're just small things. like the flower growing under the sun or that moment of warmth you exchanged with a total stranger. i know it's tough having to fight all the time, i know it is but it'll get better, maybe not completely and once and for all, but little by little. you deserve so so much more and i hope life will become gentler for you.

firstly, thank you for sending this message - i’m going to put it in my tag of things that make me happy / remind of happy things so thank you. this got kind of long and rambly but thank you again, this really touched me. 

i hope what i have to say doesn’t sound rude, but i do that so much you know? i find little things, every day. all the time. it’s really all i do to keep things okay but when you’re in constant never ending pain, it’s hard. while i know mentally things will get better and today has been a better day, my conditions that truly have derailed my life are degenerative so it won’t get better, it’ll just get worse. little by little is really all i have but it’s hard to hold onto because it’s not enough for me. i want so much more for myself, i��ve always had big aspirations & i used to be a junior olympic level soccer player but now i can barely get out of bed due to the pain. ive been able to settle with not going to the olympics and stuff, but even the things i’ve chosen or want now seem way too hard. i haven’t even gotten my GED or finished high school because of this. more so, it’s not enough for a lot of people around me irl who have to deal with my bullshit and i’m usually met with a lot of ableism, especially from doctors. it’s just not enough for any of them and i know i’m hurting them by being this way, by just being a bunch of wasted potential. my family on father’s day looked at me with so much pity, so much sadness, and they were surprised i was even around because they act like i choose to be sick or not there. the fight is with myself but it’s literally with everyone else. even some people close to me have been ableist, without meaning to, and it just shows that they really think i’m not doing my best. 

i’m literally doing my fucking best. i’m really really tired of fighting and having my days consist of literally fighting to take a shower or make food for myself. i’m fighting right now to reply to this because i’ve had the worst headache all day due to my chronic illnesses and i’ve done everything i can but because i’m also muggle sick, i’m limited and can’t smoke pot that usually helps. i feel like throwing up right now because of headache i have, and this is probably the least amount of pain i’ve been in in weeks if not months. i didn’t sleep for three days due to my pain and then went to the ER twice in one day, they had no idea what was wrong and couldn’t help me, pumped me full of drugs so i could finally sleep but i went through withdrawal for THREE days, just shaking so much i couldn’t think or write or even communicate. i’m just tired because i know the fight will never stop, i know it won’t get easier, and my best chance atm seems to be moving but i dont know when that’ll happen and i know that i’d have to be an inconvenience on my uncles if i did for a while. it’s tough having to fight just for basic needs, like having to fight to sit up, having to fight to breathe properly, having to fight to get my ice pack. and then that’s not even including the mental. plus, more recently i’ve had a lot of people use me for shit and it’s started to get to me because honestly is that all i’m worth? them to use me for info, other things, and then throw me away? i can’t help thinking i deserve it. 

but thank you for telling me i deserve so much more then all this bullshit because i’m trying to tell myself that but it’s hard? because i feel like a horrible person a lot of the time, a burden especially, and the fact that i even have a roof over my head is enough i shouldn’t complain about anything else. i shouldn’t want for more because i’d be homeless if i didn’t live with my mom bc i physically can’t take care of myself anymore, really. it hurts the most because i can’t be the friend i want to be, i can’t be the person i want to be in a few ways because of all this. i want to take care of my friends and family, i want to drive them places or just BE there. and i usually can’t. i want to be enough but i’m not. a lot of them resent that. but thank you for all this, because it’s nice and kind to send something like this and i really really appreciate. i doubt life will be gentler but hopefully, i can be stronger when dealing with life being rough. i really do cherish the good days, the good moments, i really really do. but im so scared in the end it’s not going to be enough.