#sometimes I feel like I have spent so much time being like ‘I am not entitled to anyone’s friendship/should never assume my importance)
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Valentine
M!Reader x Jang Kyujin
wc: 1.7K
ao3
She saw her texting you at 2 AM, about something as simple as how your day went or even what you were doing. Situationships were tough, especially when it's with an idol.
You fell for her and yet, she fell for you harder.
You and Kyujin have been your friends since childhood, being born in the same year, birthdays a day apart (Kyujin's being May 26th and your's the 27th), it just made sense that you were called soulmates.
Especially after you and Kyujin joined JYP at the same time, everyone saw the chemistry between you two. Spent time together during breaks, sometimes you visited her or Kyujin visited you during practice.
Leaving JYP in 2020 wasn't easy. Obviously, you were leaving your childhood best friend to follow her dreams, but that didn't mean you both suddenly stopped spending time together.
After Kyujin debuted on February 22nd 2022 in NMIXX, she slowly stopped texting you. At first you didn't think much, after all she just became an idol, yet you couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic. All those late night talks, all the times you snuck out at midnight to get a snack with her were stuck in your head.
Kyujin? Well, she didn't think it was a big deal. She finally achieved her dream and she was busy. Though, near your 18th birthday in 2024, she invited you.
unknown number: hey
Every instinct said do NOT answer it. An unknown number? Sure, answer it.
you: hey?
unknown number: call me
Yeah okay.
“Hello?” You said
“Hey”
You froze. You quickly recognized the voice. Kyujin. Your childhood best friend.
“Hello?”
“Oh my god” You said “I-I thought you forgot about me”
“As if” Kyujin said sarcastically “Sorry for not calling you”
“No, it's fine. Really.” You said “You're an idol it makes sense”
“That doesn't excuse that I didn't check up on you” Kyujin said “Are you free?”
“Yes.” You said
“Good, meet me at the JYP” Kyujin said
“Got it” You said
“See you soon” Kyujin said
“Yeah, see you” You said
And now you were there. The JYP logo is a beautiful blue color, lighting up the nearby street.
You were stressed, nervous, scared, excited. You would finally be meeting Kyujin after almost 3 years of not seeing her. Should you act like a fan? Should you act like the 3 year gap didn't happen? Should you-
“Hey” Kyujin said breaking you out of the thoughts
“Hey” You said before she hugged you
You froze a moment before wrapping your hands around her.
“I missed you so much” Kyujin said
“I missed you too” You said
“So tell me” Kyujin said, pulling away from the hug “What's new?”
“Honestly…” You said thinking about it.
On the one hand, life got its own pace after you left JYP. You went back to college, made new friends and basically started a new life.
On the other hand…
“Not a lot” You said “I just went back to college and… yeah. Graduated.”
“Hey! Thats awesome” Kyujin said “I mean I'm an idol, but still i'm glad you at least graduated.”
“Yeah well, I didn't know what to do with life after i left” You said “You know, Covid didn't make things easier”
“I get it” Kyujin said “I do. But at least you graduated”
“Yeah” You said “How's the idol life treating you?”
“Stressful.” Kyujin said “I'm not even going to lie, it's so stressful. Everything I do is monitored. Don't get me wrong, I love being an idol. Performing in front of thousands of fans is awesome but sometimes just want to take a break”
“Sounds tough” You said “But you're doing awesome”
“Thanks” Kyujin said with a genuine smile, which made your heart skip a beat for some reason. She always had a way of warming your heart in any situation, but right now? It was different.
You and Kyujin entered a café, the one you both always went to during the trainee days. The café wasn't as quiet as you thought it would be, but you didn't really care.
Both of you ordered and went to take a seat at a free table.
Silence sat in, not the awkward one, but the one which was comfortable. A silence in which you could sit in for hours.
“Have you been following NMIXX?” Kyujin asked breaking the silence
“Obviously” You said “I mean, my childhood best friend debuted in a group and I won't follow it? As if!”
“I'm glad,” Kyujin said with a smile.
Again. Your heart skipped a beat. That stupid, soft smile. This shouldn't happen.
“You okay?” Kyujin said
“Huh? Oh yeah.” You said
“Okay…” Kyujin said
Before she could say anything, your coffee came and the conversation switched to a different topic.
Though you couldn't shake the feeling that Kyujin was making your heart race, maybe it's because you always saw her on a screen, performing. And currently? She was the same old Kyujin that she was 5 or so years ago.
During your 18th birthday, you celebrated as you always did. You and your family, though this time it was a little different.
She was back in your life, so she invited you to the JYP practice rooms.
“You invited me?” You said as you entered the room
“I did.” Kyujin said before giving you a box.
“What is this?” You asked
“Just open it” Kyujin said
When you opened it, a bracelet with your name was in it. You froze for a moment. Kyujin rarely showed affection and yet this present?
“Kyujin…” You said
“Happy birthday” Kyujin said
“I… I have no words” You said “Thank you”
“Thought you'd like it” Kyujin said “Now we won't ever be separated.”
“Wait, you also have it?” You said before she showed you the bracelet
“Oh wow” You said “You really went out, huh?”
“Thought I do something a little special for you” Kyujin said
“Now I feel bad for not giving you a present” You said
“You're my present” Kyujin said
“Are you being affectionate?” You teased
“Yah! I can be affectionate when I want to be!” Kyujin said as she playfully hit you
“Alright! Alright!” You said “Thank you for the present”
“You're welcome” Kyujin said
After that you fell harder for her. Anytime you met her, anytime she smiled or laughed your heart skipped a beat. You kept falling for her.
It wasn't easy for Kyujin either, anytime she received a text from you during practice, she smiled making her members tease her.
“Who's got you smiling that much?” Jiwoo teased
“No one!” Kyujin said too quickly
“Uh-huh” Jiwoo said
She saw her texting you at 2 AM, about something as simple as how your day went or even what you were doing. Situationships were tough, especially when it's with an idol.
You fell for her and yet, she fell for you harder.
By the time February 2025 rolled around, you were overthinking everything. Should you ask her to be your Valentine and then confess your feelings? Or confess without asking her to be your Valentine?
Kyujin: Are you busy?
You: No, why?
Kyujin: I need to talk to you.
You: Got it, meet at the café?
Kyujin: Sounds good.
And here you were, waiting in the café. This was it, you can finally confess to her.
There she was, walking into the café looking as beautiful as always. She was wearing jeans and a light blue shirt with her curly long hair.
“Hey” Kyujin said before hugging you
“Hey” You said before both of you sat down
“You look beautiful” You said
“You're not so bad yourself” Kyujin said
“So… You wanted to talk?” You said
“I did, yes.” Kyujin said “Okay so… We have been friends since childhood, right?”
“Yeah” You said knowing where this was going.
“And… I have been feeling a little more than just friends” Kyujin said “I know that we have been friends for years, but I'm tired of acting like I'm not feeling something when you text me at 2 AM, when you say how good I did at a performance… I have a crush on you Y/n.”
You froze. You knew you had a crush on her too, she was making your heart race faster than it should every single time she laughed or smiled. Whenever she texted or called you, you felt happy.
“Oh god” Kyujin said “I'm sorry , was that too weird? I shouldn't have-”
“No, I also have a crush on you” You said
“You… do?” Kyujin asked
“I do.” You said “Whenever you smiled or laughed? My heart raced. Whenever you held my hand just a little too long, I was overthinking”
“Oh” Kyujin said
“Yeah” You said “I wanted to confess, but I didn't think you felt the same way”
“I wasn't very… honest?” Kyujin said “I didn't really show it, but yeah, you made my heart race”
“Guess we both were clueless, huh?” You said
“You dont say?” Kyujin said laughing softly, which was like melody to your ears
“So… what now?” You asked
“Well, will you be my Valentine?” Kyujin asked with a smile
“Yes. Yes I will” You said
“Well, then I guess… Are we a couple now?” Kyujin asked
“Do you want us to be?” You asked
“Yes.” Kyujin said
“We are a couple.” You said
“I can't believe this!” Kyujin said
“Me neither” You said
The conversation went nicely. Both of you talked for hours before going out of the café and to a river nearby.
“You know” Kyujin said “I want a date on the 14th, but I'm busy”
“It's okay” You said “I'm not expecting much… I just wanted to finally confess”
“Me too” Kyujin said before turning to face you “Now that we are a couple.”
“Yeah?” You said as she leaned closer
“A kiss?” Kyujin asked
“Was waiting for that” You said before closing the distance in a sweet kiss.
It wasn't rushed or anything, rather it was full of love and sweet. Her lips against yours felt like heaven, you wrapped your hands around her waist pulling her closer as if you were afraid to let her go.
As you both pulled away, your foreheads resting against each other, still breathless from the kiss.
“That was…” You said
“Good. Everything I expected and more” Kyujin said
“I'm glad” You said “I'm so glad”
“I should probably go” Kyujin said
“Probably should, huh?” You said before kissing her cheek and saying your final goodbyes.
When you were back home, you checked your phone and was met with a simple message.
Kyujin: Thank you very much. Goodnight <3
You smiled at the text before quickly texting her back
You: Goodnight baby, ily :) ❤️
#kpop fluff#gxg#kpop x reader#nmixx x reader#x reader#kpop imagines#gxg fluff#kyujin#jiwoo#bae#sullyoon#haewon#lily#kyujin x reader#nmixx fluff#fluff
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it’s kind of funny you referred to as handlers as being broke when you own houses and sometimes multiple pure bred dogs. that is not broke person living.
My friend, I do not know why you are upset with me or professional dog handlers, but we are not your enemy. As you do not contribute to my finances, you do not have any right to the details (deets can be bought for $500 per person, ask me for my venmo). And yet, I’m gonna fill you in a bit cause I’ve had a long day at work and you hit a sore spot.
I wouldn’t classify any of the pro handlers I know as rich. They all work for their living, and work hard. They don’t own most of the dogs they show, and the ones they do are usually dogs that they themselves spent significant money to breed. Some own a house, some do not.
I do own my house (well, the bank owns my house and I make mortgage payments) and when I bought it, because of first time home owner and rural housing government programs, I did not have to make a down payment. The seller covered closing costs and I only had to pay money for the inspection. This was cheaper at the time than paying a deposit on an apartment (which I could not afford) and was just before the entire market fell apart. I got incredibly lucky.
I did not pay for Ponzi and I am not paying for the puppy coming home soon. This is due to the absolute generosity of their breeder, my friend, and the trust that I will honor the contract we have. I purchased Spork on a co-ownership payment plan, also thanks to the generosity and trust of her breeders. It would not have been, and still isn’t, affordable to me to purchase them outright or upfront.
These are huge privileges - I fully recognize that. I am much luckier and better off than so many - I totally get that. And yet, I work in customer service and make approx. $45k per year, putting me in a lower to lower middle class income range. I, like so many people in this country, have some significant debts, and am only 1-2 missed paychecks away from being homeless. Maybe that isn’t broke by your standards, but it feels pretty broke to me. Your anger is misplaced and would be better directed at those in power being oppressive and exploitative.
#I probably should’ve ignored this#and yet#how can I earn my broke person cred?#would it help if I told you that every day this week I have eaten a banana for breakfast and a single can of generic spaghetti-o’s for dinne#cause I had to cut budget somewhere to save for upcoming health testing#my own groceries was the lucky area#my oven and dishwasher have both been out of order for a year at this point#bc the money I would need to get them fixed has always been more useful elsewhere#namely showing Ponzi or Azula’s vet bills or once again health testing#anyways I’m done for real now#thank you to like the three people that will care to read all this and like it
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hello :D please tell me more about your mezalian (is that how you spell it??) smalletho I will forever be indebted to you
(they are gorgeous I love them sm)
hey hi !! it would be my pleasure … (and I’ve been spelling it mezalean ??? but i have no idea LOL. there might be a canon spelling but i havent watched joels esmp1 since… probably since it ended. i will have to check sometime)
apologizing in advance because i will probably get very ramble-y!!
ummm. Oh god. How to start. Lets see. WELL. In this silly little au (i guess it has become a bit more than just me doodling designs LOL) in my head they have like this sort of zelink dynamic? obviously without all the zelda lore & stuff, just that kind of … okay forgive me I haven’t brushed up on my zelink lore for a good many years but. Like the princess and her personal knight that doesn’t really talk much sort of thing.
this made more sense in my head. But yeah. They have the vibes of zelink ? At least if i remember zelink right, I have a really bad memory :’) not exactly the same, i do think etho talks to joel (whereas if iirc link never really talks) - especially after getting to know him a bit - but just. they have the Vibes. You know?
I reckon Joel’s definitely very into sculpting in this au, maybe dabbles a little in painting - I imagine mezalea to be very heavy on art and expression in general. think you’d especially see lots of pottery and textiles all around the place. He probably also has an interest in some form of like. um. whats the word. Some sort of … fighting. lmao. Specifically thinking of fencing, i had this idea in my head that he’s watched Etho practice outside the palace at some point and is just absolutely fascinated and enamored. by both the practice and etho himself haha.
and for etho… talented swordsman? he is Not washed. i dont really have many ideas for his character in this au To be completely honest, mostly just of his personality. Although, I alsooo think he’s probably not actually from mezalea? I like to draw him with those pointy elf ears, and i think mezaleans are just humans. I cant remember if thats canon or not but um. mezaleans have human ears, so i’d imagine etho’s probably from like.. rivendelle? Is that. What it’s called. The elf guys? Are they elves??? Goodness I cant remember. Grimlands would make sense too since i THINK they’re kind of like. technical engineer guys? but i dont know what species they are um so ,,, yeah,,,,
i think joel’s probably a bit put off by etho at first, mostly just because he’s not super enthused about the idea of a personal guard, but also because the guys a bit odd, you know? but he’s also probably suuuper intrigued by him. he wants to figure this new guy out, and when they start talking a bit more, i think. They are both incredibly charmed by the other. head over heels? possibly.
most of my ideas of this au are just little scenes that are cute and silly but dont follow any main plot. I would love to write some one-shots of some of the ideas i have in the future, but as of right now im experiencing a bout of creative burnout and am busy with the holidays - spending time with family, so… not right now lol!
hopefully this is what you wanted,,,, i tend to get very ramble-y when talking about literally anything, so i do apologize for that haha, i am Not good at explaining things in simple ways, as i’ve said many a time before.
#sphynx asks!#sphynx rambles#i guess i’ll tag this as#smalletho#and#trafficshipping#for filtering#when explaining my thoughts on smalletho (or any ship for that matter) i always feel the need to clarify that um#being someone on the aroace + probably aplatonic spectrum#i always put a bit of that into my headcanon of characters#like in my brain they are never sexually attracted to each other or anyone else#and the relationships aren’t ever easily describable. they just exist as they are without a label.#maybe they kiss maybe they like each other but i never put them in any sort of established romantic relationship in my head#it Is my desire for connection and intimacy without the “rules” and lines between platonic and romantic attraction making itself known#because i don’t really. feel. either? I want to love someone but i am not sure what love entails. and i’d reckon that probably shows LOL#dude i could go on and on about how being aroace feels for me and how i project that onto characters. its honestly. fascinating to me lmao?#i find the topic of love and attraction and friendship and connection and intimacy just incredibly interesting as a whole though LOL#sometimes i feel like some alien (not in a bad way!! ..most of the time) looking in on human life like… how very curious this is! wow!#Honestly i could probably talk about anything for hours. i just really like thinking about things and sharing my thoughts#unfortunately im also terrified of sharing those thoughts and being perceived in general ! social anxiety at its finest here!#i spent the whole day working on this answer lmao. which really shows just how much i struggle putting things into words#and then POSTING those words? i have to reread what ive written a billion times to make sure i don’t sound stupid or insane#and even then i still worry. so at this point its just become.. post and dont look at tumblr for the next while to let the anxiety subside#anyway um.! Yeah.#im going to sleep now. Thumbs up.
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another day another slay, today i am reading buddhist literature because doom and gloom is silly and made to break you down until you cant function. and that, is how they get you
#go read a book you enjoy today ok? or watch a silly video! whatever makes you happy#but i also had a treat this morning and got my favorite flavor of redbull as a small pick me up and had a good breakfast#if lemon pepper tuna and dry oatmeal counts as a good breakfast. but to me its good!#no more doom scrolling you should go take a walk and feel the air enter your lungs and know that being alive is lit#even if it doesnt feel much like it at the moment. but the world keeps turning and the birds keep singing#and i am able to take my shoes off and feel the dirt on my feet if i wish. and thats enough to make me happy to be alive sometimes#going from so depressed i cant get out of bed for weeks and months at a time other than to do basic functions if even that#to where i am now. even if im sick and cant really get better. is an upgrade. because i can feel the sun on my skin#and the water on my hands. and have my brain send electrical currents through my body. its awesome!#we're going to ignore how i spent the last several days in a doom spiral. no more of that. does nothing but hurt you#not a horse
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#Jesus christ. what a fucking week. its been January for a million fucking years#but this week has been good. very busy. i gave my 1st departmental presentation which i was real nervous abt#but i think my presentation was good. the department has a high standard for students to meet. like one of the guys who goes to the adjacent#department's student talks was like man it is night and day. the presentations in this department r so much better#so i feel like im getting a good education lol. and everyone was super supportive. like no one congratulated me besides my lab when i gave a#departmental talk for my masters. but here like everyone stopped to say good job and that the work sounds exciting. so that was nice.#and i feel like i spent so much time being social this week. im kinda drained and like oh god im fucking insufferable. but also im like well#if im being fucking annoying and ppl still Associate with me its their fucking problem lol. and also if u spend enough time around anyone#they become annoying and i still like my friends even if sometimes theyre annoying and its fine. everyone has the right to b a little#annoying haha. but i really like my lab mates. its fun talking to them. also everytime i talk to my old boss im like oh wow i am learing a#lot bc we talk abt my old system and my old work and i have new ideas abt how things function on a community level and she's like oh wow how#does that work? and i kinda kno what im talking abt and i still kinda love my desert cyanos a lot. and thats the other thing. i feel like#thats the other thing. i thought astr0biology was my guiding light but i think its actually just that i lov cyan0bacteria. somebody's gotta#and thats me... and my old boss haha and i have her to thank for that 😊 anyway. im feeling a lot my confident in my being here and in this#project. which is so crazy after the last 2 years of my life. Anyway. an aside but its been a crazy fucking week to b a scientist#bc of all the funding stuff. the post docs r really really stressed. as r the PIs. and my dad works for the government so he was telling me#all abt the fear within the VA. its crazy. and scary. but anyway. im so tired. Hopefully ill b able to properly draw this weekend but well#see. im a lil strung out haha#unrelated
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running my drawings through glaze to repost them on twitter and wondering if this shit is even worth it anymore
#im so tired.#i feel like the world is passing me by again. so much of my time is spent doing job apps or courses or simply being tired from those things#i really wonder how much i'd be able to get done if i wasn't weighed down by all these worries#like my parents have been supporting me ever since i got out of college and im grateful for that but#sometimes it just feels like they're prolonging my existence when i should have been weeded out by the cruelty of the system long ago#i cant complain about being spared from it for the time being but am i ever going to be able to survive in it on my own?#sorry. this is a bit of a downer post. i'm just real tired of it all#cowposting
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Being alone at home SO isn't good for me, how does anyone deliberately choose to live on their own 😭
#meaning this in an 'I respect people capable of this very very much' kinda way#my partner is visiting their family for a few days so it's nothing drastic like it's not weeks spent alone or anything#but still dhskfhkshd#it's these times that I realise how much of an extrovert I am with how high social needs#shrews ramblings#oh fun news tho!!! tomorrow I'm going to a concert with my little sibling#it's нервы - a Russian/Ukrainian rock band and I'm super excited for it#hmmm I might take doodle requests sometime these days since I really wanna draw a lot to improve but#I don't always have fresh ideas#one reason why tumblr has always been and will always be my favourite platform is that#I can just talk to myself in the tags of posts like this#it feels like writing down my thoughts in the notes app but has the being heard feeling added to it#even if not many people see it
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#dryad speaks#dryad plays veilguard#i am excited at heart for a new game i cannot deny that#but a big preorder box with no game??#A CASE for the game with no game???#i looked it up but i spent $190 for the deluxe fancy box edition of inquisition after taxes and shipping#like are you fucking kidding me bioware/ea?#you want people to pay $150 for your fancy release items PLUS another at least $60 for the game???#after your treatment of your staff through the last decade of games and then laying them off and you want us to spend more???#and what's up with console prices being higher????#my partner loves me very much and keeps offering to preorder it for me#but there's no way#some of the (non-gamebreaking) glitches/bugs i ran into when inquisition launched haven't been fixed in literally a decade#and i expect this launch (and subsequent fixes and lack therof) to go about the same as last time#so i'll watch from afar and wait for some patches and see how the reviews go#AND I'M STILL MAD ABOUT HAVING TO PAY EXTRA FOR THE DLC WITH THE ACTUAL ENDING FOR INQUISITION#i love these characters and the lore and the worldbuilding and my own characters so much!! that's why i'm still here!!#but i feel like bioware makes it harder and harder to want to be here sometimes
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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m#SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work#and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks#in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate#i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's#- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight#so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh#i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me#“different” is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story#if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit#i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels#and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing#as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a “far away”/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :“|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit#there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved#and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community#we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future#fauxtrainpost.txt
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56 and any Yamo pairing! 🫶
i just wheezed so hard when i saw what the song was i almost snorted coffee out of my nose i am so sorry for this one
#56 - kyoto phoebe bridgers + yamo
the story of how this song ended up on my wrapped is too long so it’s going in the tags but. let me set the scene for you.
2026 NHL GLOBAL SERIES™️ JAPAN - Presented by YPPI
November 13 & 14, 2026: Dallas Stars, Montreal Canadiens, Seattle Kraken, Vancouver Canucks
Saitama Super Arena, Saitama, Japan
It’s a pitiful excuse of a consolation prize for not being able to go to the Olympics, but Kailer’s not going to look a vacation horse in the mouth. The arena’s cool. It’s huge. The people are cool. There’s so many more of them than he thought there’d be with jerseys that have his name on the back, and a lot more that have the familiar orange and blue. He takes a picture of the fifth Oilers Yamamoto jersey he signs—this one’s the good Reverse Retro—and texts it to Connor, says,
no one here has even heard of mcjesus
and gets a moon face emoji in response. Leon’s influence. Kailer’s still never really deciphered what that one means, and he doesn’t think Connor knows either.
They don’t have a lot of time off between games, but Kailer’s trying to be a good tourist. His dad had been so happy when Kailer had told him about the series that Kailer’d had to stop him from trying to book a flight a year in advance, and his mom’s been just as bad, sending him every article she sees about Best New Spot in Tokyo! Cool Restaurant! Have You Seen This Japanese Cat Café? that she scrolls across on Facebook since June. Suzy’s in the same boat, so they’ve been crossing off their compiled travel-guide list together, looping in as many guys as they can. Everyone’s been pretty game. All the teams are crammed into close quarters at the same hotel, which means everyone wants to spend as much time as possible outside of it, and it helps that Kailer’s gotten pretty close with all the other guys that the NHL picked up as Global Series figureheads. Robo’s memes? Absolutely fire. The groupchat loves them.
For every item he crosses off the list, Kailer takes a picture and keeps it tucked in his phone notes. It’s like speed-running a scavenger hunt—they’re only here for four days—but he’s doing a pretty good job. His favorite so far has been all the gardens. They’re stunning, trees shining bright red and yellow, and every vendor has been selling maple candies, maple cakes, and even fried maple, though the official maple festival doesn’t start until next week. The second garden he visits, he does it on his own after practice, buying two cakes from a cart near the gate and walking until he loses the bustle outside. It’s easy to get lost in the winding pathways, heading deeper into the quiet, and there’s dozens of benches underneath the burnished leaves where young couples are tucked away on dates, or old friends are laughing and catching up. In some of the little clearings, there’s small shrines where people leave offerings, a prayer for good luck or good fortune.
Kailer stops at one without any people and sets the second maple cake on top of it, then sits and scrolls through all the texts that he’s missed. His mom gets replied to with a picture of him outside the garden gate, grinning and surrounded by other travelers. He sends his brother a picture of a trashy graphic I Love Japan t-shirt with the threat that he’ll buy one for him, and Kailer’s dad gets a picture of the meticulously arranged and cut bonsai that are across from the bench where he’s sitting. The Seattle groupchat gets a recycled meme from Robo, and he gets two thumbs up and an “LMAO” before he can even exit the thread. Finally, Kailer takes a picture of the half-eaten maple cake in his hand, holding it next to a fallen maple leaf on the bench, and gets halfway through typing another message before he thinks better of it.
(On the plane over, Drieds was reading them a story about how when they first introduced the high-speed railway, people were afraid to use it because they thought it would be too fast for their souls to keep up.
“Bro, if that were true, you just left your soul in the middle of the Pacific,” Ebs had laughed. “Planes are faster than trains.”
“Are they?” Matty asked. “Isn’t the train in Japan the fastest in the world?”
Drieds couldn’t make it through the rest of the story over the sound of everyone ripping Matty to shreds, so Kailer didn’t get to ask whether or not they found out anything about planes. Kailer’s not worried about his soul, but the logic makes a strange kind of sense; after all, he traveled 429 miles in five and a half hours once, and that was a little too fast for his heart to keep up.)
Fuck it. Kailer’s been trying to write a response for the past ten days, and he’s sick of swiping in and out of the message, staring at the keyboard so long he starts to see swirls in his vision.
Kailer drafts the text again and sends it, no context, no caption. A text travels faster than a high-speed train or a jet. Maybe it’ll pick his heart back up on the way.
#I don’t know how this song ended up on my Spotify wrapped because phoebe bridgers is too emotionally damaging for me to listen to like.#at all unless i am In It HOWEVER. there is this one silly video that brings me so much joy and made me feel semi-reasonable about listening#to kyoto & it’s the one video of the two painter guys painting the room & the lil guy is being a menace & the other guy just looks at him s#fondly & so lovingly & is that not the thesis of kailer yamamoto. be small be a menace be beloved by everyone. ANYWAY#liv in the replies#look this was going to be such a different thing and then. my brain went HEY BUDDY GUESS THE FUCK WHAT kyoto is a city in Japan.#day off in kyoto. guess who’s Japanese. guess what the nhl loves to do as HIFE publicity. also growing the AAPI audience is HUGE and i thin#they should. like originally i had NO idea what this was going to be (i’m so lying. the line ‘i’m gonna kill you’ but incredibly fond a la#the two painters video kept replaying in my head and i was like l m a o. klimmer & kailer. no plot all vibes it’s klimmer & Kailer that’s i#there is no real plot there is no actual idea the amount of googling that i did to write just this is UNREASONABLE i would love to be norma#about anything ever but i ALSO invented so much backstory to this that has no way of appearing in the actual fic and also jokes for ME#for instance. YPPI is the american manufacturer for yamaha motorcycles and. suzuki. yamamoto. (it’s not my brainworms it’s due to a fancam)#respectfully also i cannot write this fic. i have never been to japan and i think it would take me eight years to google enough#to be relatively comfortable like y’all have never seen the extensive research i put in to fucking phiLLY and a whole other COUNTRY???#where the premise of the fic is learning how to be a tourist in your life and sometimes you have to grow out of things?#yeah i AM going to make something with the idea of Momijigari and life is ephemeral. is that a plot? no it’s vibes.#kailer goes to japan in the fall and realizes he’s a liar. who lies. (he misses [redacted]) (the redacted is because i haven’t decided)#also also. the garden reference is because a) i spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON GOOGLE and found out things to do in saitama and also that#kailer’s grandpa had a meticulous garden and i just think that’s neat#hiding-from-reality-56#random ficlet is unbeta’d un-anything’d i don’t know WHERE this came from or the real plot of it at all. ok thanks byeeeee
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#it's actually rly fucked up how seeing one bad picture of myself can ruin my entire evening#i've spent so much time and energy to reach a level of understanding and acceptance of how i look and it has been working#and it's like. i know i am fat. and it's okay. it is just a fact. i've mostly made my peace with it.#then i see a pic taken of me from an unflattering angle and all the unhealthy thinking patterns i've tried to unlearn come back#i will forever be bitter about growing up basically hating myself and i am SO MAD that it is still affecting me!!!!#it's like. so what if i look big in the picture or if i have a double chin in it. that is literally just how i look and that's it#the level of neutrality has been hard to achieve and it annoys me how precarious it still is :(#not to even mention that maybe neutrality isn't the best goal anyways. but like. the concept of being hot seems so foreign to me#like. other people? sure. me? never#sometimes i simply hate the society for making me feel unworthy of everything because i'm fat.#and how people talk about fat people and how they treat fat people has given me trust issues for life#so i'm just sad it's like this. i want to love myself and all that but sometimes it is just so hard#idk thank u for witnessing my rant if u read this far here have a flower 🌸#body image tw#personal
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One of the things I’ve been working through trauma wise is, okay this is weird why is ‘they are your mutual friend back/they like you as much as you like them’ scarier than ‘you are not owed friendship or a level of importance in anyone’s life/people have other priorities than you deal with it’ type things because I have No Idea. ????
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#about lil#like I can absolutely deal with ‘your brain pings with this persons brain more than theirs with you’#but like the opposite is Terrifying#people liking me back is terrifying and I don’t know why?#sometimes I feel like I have spent so much time being like ‘I am not entitled to anyone’s friendship/should never assume my importance)#just the assumption is that I am a doll and fundamentally Wrong as a person#(I need to be something else Not Me)#(I need to Entertain)#and just…why???
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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The problem with cash is I literally convince myself that no one can see me spending it and therefore it’s not real money and can’t get me. And then I spend £48 on books
#my grandma gives me cash every time i see her and i always forget to deposit it until i’m carrying over 200 in cash like some child emperor#who is begging to be robbed#the thing is instead of depositing it i make these stupid financial decisions#anyway does anyone want my book haul in text form??? okay so#first i hit up a secondhand book shop and honestly i could’ve spent all day in there and bought everything but i tried to be realistic about#what i was actually going to read sometime soon#so i bought revival by stephen king; the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera (i just keep hearing good things about this book#and i’m curious and it was only £1.50)#then i bought two taylor jenkins reid books; after i do & maybe in another life#i just like her romances. i don’t care for contemporary romance generally but idk there’s just something about how she writes#i really liked one true loves and how Much was going on in that book. so i decided to get these two as well#then i walked into a new book shop and for whatever reason my inhibitions just left my body#it would’ve been better if i had gone buckwild like this in the secondhand shop but anyway#i bought a fucking special edition of dracula. what’s really crazy is it wasn’t even the cover that sold me#the typesetting is so lovely for some reason. i saw it and i was like okay the next time i read dracula; it needs to be from this book#then i got rouge by mona awad because i loved bunny; it was so delightfully bizarre#and i dithered a bit but i bought orbital by samantha harvey#i am just so curious about how it beat james for the booker prize… i’ve gotta know why#i mean maybe i just have the blinders on when it comes to percival everett in that i think everything he writes should win an award#like maybe it’s just me#the owner gave me a free magazine and wrapped my books really nicely 🥹 i must cry#i feel like the trip was a success. i love independent bookshops. my wallet doesn’t though#personal
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#i’m just putting all my thoughts here bc it’s easier than telling my friends the hard shut#bc i don’t want to worry anyone much less then#they all live so far away and only two of them have been able to see me and they can’t make time for a few weeks#i just don’t even have a desire to do anything man#i’ve spent all day laying on my couch staring at the wall#i haven’t eaten in days#i haven’t been getting my work done#this despair is deeper than a breakup it’s just a fundamental hatred of self#and the shitty thing is i felt okay with myself before i met him#i liked myself! and this relationship just tore me apart man#i only felt worthy when he chose to spend time with me#and even then he seemed like he hated being there#honestly? it seemed like he didn’t even like me at times#it wasn’t intentional he was never mean to me he put so much effort into being kind and patient and being with me#but i just feel like i have to twist everyone’s arms to love me man#i am fundamentally such a shit person i have to force people to spend time with me#i have tried so hard to be so upbeat for my friends and i feel like im failing them too#i am a horrible friend and a horrible daughter and i was a horrible partner#and sometimes i just feel like i don’t deserve to live like i just bring misery to everyone around me#delete laters
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the actual funniest part of writing metalbanders in this the year of our lord 2024 is that my partner of five and a half years is…… a musician. a punk/metal/whatever drummer specifically lmao so now i’m like ok … harmonic convergence’s music would all sound like my partner’s deranged bands (like the ones ed plays in not just what he listens to) ✔️ delusions of grandeur ✔️ dress wan like ed for the most part (the jacket… the source for why i know u should never lean ur head on that spiky shoulder) ✔️ i know the exact amount of ANNOYING this type of musician is to be intimately linked with ✔️
#except ed is a professional biologist and wan famously failed health class six times#metalbanders raava (young) is my perfectionist private school girl gifted child issues condensed into one high strung being#but i am not a musician and nowhere near that smart lmao#ik me and nye both filled her with parts of 16/17 yr old us back in the day#and yes also i love my partner very much but he is also ANNOYING#he can give me Bone Nausea in two seconds#which also helped flesh out their relationship WAY better than when i was a baby who had never been in a real relationship#which i suppose ofc that’s true of just.. writing skill developing w age or whatever#but also i know what it’s like to want to be with someone that also makes u want to smash your head into a wall sometimes :’)#but.. no else understands either of them like the other!!#to want to be with each other even with that#in the original fics from early days i don’t think i quite pulled that off all the way#like what was the glue holding them together the magnet that keeps pulling them in#idk. i am just thinking LMAO#not to mention that metalbanders is a different flavor of my original novel as well lmaoo#which i spent SO much time working on in deep over the last year#which 1. has really really polished my writing into something i’m so much happier with#2. has made writing in general feel so much easier than it ever has#3. this is my GENRE lmaooo the dysfunctional codependent but also deeply loving under the surface relationship#my bread and BUTTER#(see tag#bittertooth#if you ever want to see like anything about my little book project hehe)#tho i have never posted any scenes from it at all just drawings and memes that fit my kids lmao#personal#metalbanders
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