#anyway does anyone want my book haul in text form??? okay so

[fingertipsmp3]

The problem with cash is I literally convince myself that no one can see me spending it and therefore it’s not real money and can’t get me. And then I spend £48 on books

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Stuff of Legends

Summary: Stretch  wants to hit up the thrift stores, but if anyone sings Macklemore, Jeff is going home. Seriously. 

Notes: I swear, I am getting back to the point. Kind of. Does this series actually have a point, I’m asking for a friend. 

Also on AO3 (whoops, fixed it.)

By Any Other Name masterlist

~~*~~

u home?

Jeff paused his show on Netflix and looked at the text curiously. Thomas had closed the store down for the day for renovations, since no one wanted to shop at a book store with hammers banging. An extra day off was bad for his paycheck but good for his stress, and Jeff hadn’t planned on anything more strenuous than taking advantage of the larger television in the living room.  

Yeah, he replied. He had no idea what Stretch had planned, but it was bound to be more interesting.

great am on your porch buzz me up

Yep, looked like his Wednesday was about to get more interesting. He stood and stretched before wandering over to hit the buzzer, and opened the door to watch Stretch mosey up the stairs. “Couldn’t you just teleport in?” Jeff asked curiously.

Stretch shook his head. It must’ve been chilly out because he had the hood pulled up on his sweatshirt. With his hands in his pockets and his hood up, he could’ve been mistaken for any student, until you saw the boney knees poking out from the holes in his jeans. “can’t teleport where i haven’t been. see, it has to do with…” he stopped and gave Jeff a narrow look. “what did you say your degree is in?”

“Sociology,” he admitted

Stretch grimaced. “Well, unless you want to add on a minor in physics, let’s just stick with ‘because magic’, yeah?”

“Sounds good,” Jeff grinned, “come on in.”

All his roommates were at their own jobs but at least the place was reasonable clean, with only a scattering of this morning’s dishes on the coffee table. The sofa was sagging in the middle and had been scrounged from the side of the road and the only thing on the walls were speakers. The living room wasn’t exactly personalized.

Stretch only glanced around curiously. “nice place.”

“It’s the size of a postage stamp and smells like 4 guys live here,” Jeff said wryly, “but it’s home. What brings you over to this side of town?”

Stretch stuck his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and rocked on his heels. “wanted to see if you wanted to come thrifting with me.”

“Thrifting,” Jeff repeated, “Like thrift stores?

Stretch grinned. “yeah, i love it. we used to go down to the garbage dump back home and find stuff. this is sorta like that only less wet and it mostly smells better. mostly.”

“Okay, but if you start singing Macklemore at any point, I'm going home.

Stretch laughed, “deal.”

“Let me grab my shoes,” Jeff said, almost embarrassed at how eager he was. Most of his friends from college had moved away after graduation, either finding better jobs or moving back in with their parents. Jeff hadn’t had either option and he didn’t mind his roommates, but all of them were more like acquaintances he shared a living space with, not friends. Funny to think that Stretch had been hopeful to have him for a friend, when he had needed one just as much. Besides, Stretch was fun and hilarious and generous and…eh, fuck it, he sounded like he had a crush, but it wasn’t like that, not even a little.

He liked the guy and fuck anyone who had a problem with it.

It took Jeff longer than he meant, one of his shoes had nearly been consumed by the space under his bed. By the time he came back out, he stopped in surprise to see Stretch was backed into the wall by the door, his eye lights wide. By his feet was Ella, his roommate’s cat. She was only sitting there, licking at one paw but Stretch was staring at her warily. The cat looked up at him and meowed, and he actually flickered, like he’d nearly teleported the hell out.

Jeff didn’t have a clue what that was about, but he could get the long version later, right now all he knew was his friend was not cool with this. “Hey, hold on.” Jeff picked up the cat and shut her into his roommate’s room.

Stretch relaxed the moment the door closed, a trickle of sweat running down his skull. “thanks…uh… sorry i don’t like temmies. cats,” he corrected, “i don’t like cats.”

“No problem,” Jeff said, lightly. Stretch seemed embarrassed, so maybe it would be better to ask later.  “Let’s head out, you can catch a smoke outside.”

“yeah, thanks,” Stretch nodded and followed Jeff out the door, waiting while he locked it. “we can walk to the thrift store if you don’t mind. it’s close enough that taking the bus would probably be slower.”

“You’re willing to walk?” Jeff teased.

“we are on a quest!” Stretch said loftily. “sacrifices must be made. besides, we can hit up someplace for coffee on the way.” He lit a cigarette the moment they stepped outside, exhaling a relieved cloud of smoke. “c’mon, galahad, let’s find some grails and shit.”

They walked in silence for a while and Jeff waited until Stretch finished his cigarette before he asked, “So are we looking for anything specific?”

Stretch shrugged. “a few things. sometimes i use some odd stuff for experiments. i like to keep my eyes peeled for any of the toys the edgelord collects, too.”

“Action figures.”

“yeah, those. plus, anything else fun for him. like clothes.”

“Clothes?” Jeff asked skeptically. “Edge doesn’t strike me as a thrift store sort of guy.” He wouldn’t have been surprised to find out his t-shirts were custom-made. 

“depends on what you find. one time, i found this sweater with a huge clown on it, right? looked like it had been knitted by a serial killer.”

“He wore that?” Jeff said, disbelieving.

“fuck, no!” Stretch laughed. “he threatened to burn it, said it would be in the best interest of humanity to kill it before it tormented anyone else. anyway, i told him if he wouldn’t wear it, i would, so i wore nothing but that for two days.” He sighed happily, lost in memory. “it didn’t survive the second night.”

They passed a coffee shop on the way, and Stretch bought them both drinks. Jeff didn’t bother to protest; he’d tried before and Stretch either became selectively deaf or would talk louder until he was shouting over Jeff’s attempts, so Jeff stuck with his normal form of revenge and left a great tip. Baristas probably loved them.

Stretch fidgeted with his cup, stirring the massive dollop of whipped cream into his frappuccino as they walked. There were plenty of other people out walking, college students and joggers, the occasional person with their dog. They seemed to either be carefully ignoring them, like a celebrity, or sparing them only the occasional stare. They weren’t far from the college and Monsters were common enough on campus. Dogs always seemed pleased to meet Stretch no matter what their Human masters thought, and Jeff wondered guilty if it was for his personality or his bone structure. To his amusement, Stretch had dog treats with him and, once permission was granted, was always happy to offer one to his canine admirers.

He exchanged twitter handles with three different dog owners before they made it to the thrift store.

They hovered outside, finishing their drinks. “You really like dogs, huh?”

Stretch smiled wryly, “they like me, for sure. it’s probably all the excitement of finding a walking, talking version of their favorite snack.”

“But not cats?” Jeff asked, cautiously.

“not cats,” he agreed with a wince. He shifted on his feet awkwardly, tossing his empty cup into the trash can. “hey, listen, you keep hanging out in new new home, you might run into the temmies. they usually keep to themselves, but they’re okay in this universe. i usually remember but i didn’t know you had a cat, it took me off guard.”

“You guys have said that before, this universe.”

Stretch scratched at the back of his skull. “um, yeah, it’s a long story.”

“does involve a long physics lecture?” Jeff asked, swallowing down the last of his own coffee.

“maybe?” Stretch tried. Jeff looked at him. “probably not,” he admitted

“Okay, I’m letting you off the hook this time but you’re going to explain someday.

“i promise,” Stretch said, low.

The words were more solemn than he was used to hearing from Stretch and it made him remember what Antwan had said, the first time they’d had dinner together. That he shouldn’t break a promise that he made to Stretch. Good to know at least that he was serious about telling him.

The first thing he did when they walked into the thrift store was persuade Stretch that he couldn’t ride in the cart. “You’ll get us kicked out before we can even look at the goods,” Jeff warned.

Stretch raised a brow bone at him. “are we speaking from experience?”

“I admit nothing.”

Even without a free ride, Jeff had to admit, it was fun to poke through the shelves and piles of this and that, and soon their cart was piled with a mishmash of bizarreness.

A pen holder that had a pair of monkeys fighting on it that had ‘karate punch!’ on the side, a velociraptor coffee mug where the handle was the dinosaur’s tongue, a picture frame that was pink with glittery hearts that Jeff suspected had once belonged in a teenage girls bedroom from the 80s that Stretch declared would be perfect for their wedding photo. He also had three toasters that were in various stages of broken and Jeff wasn’t sure to be excited or wary to see what became of those.

“someday, i’ll find another clown sweater,” Stretch mourned, “that was some of the best sex of my life. but this will do for now!” He held up a crisply ironed button up shirt that was cheerily emblazoned with pictures of bacon, coffee mugs, and pancakes dripping with syrup.

“It’s perfect,” Jeff assured him. He was fussing with his own haul, which included a book on the best mugshots of all time.

None of the clerks gave them more than a smile; probably they were used to Stretch coming in to rummage. When they went back outside, bags in hand, Edge was waiting in the parking lot, leaning against his car.

“babe, what are you doing here?” Stretch seemed startled, but not particularly upset.

“I bribe the clerks to let me know when you’re here so that I can be assured they’ve hidden the worst of their wares,” Edge said dryly. Stretch rolled his eye lights and Edge’s mouth twitched in a grin. “How do you think I know? You posted on your twitter.”

“oh, i did, didn’t i. i didn’t say which store,” Stretch said suspiciously.

“Process of elimination, you mentioned your partner in crime.  What sort of atrocities did you find this time?” Edge reached for the bag and Stretch held it out of reach.

“nuh uh, you can’t look! you have to wait for the wedding.”

“Love, I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say if you got me a wedding present at the thrift store, you will be sleeping in the chicken coop.” It didn’t stop him from sliding an arm around Stretch and pulling him in for a soft kiss.

Jeff pointedly looked away. Yeah, he shipped it, but there was no need to be a creeper about it.

“don’t be such a killjoy,” Stretch snickered. He gave him a smacking kiss back and squirmed away. “but i did find you some of your toys that you can part out and rebuild.”

“At least you found something useful,” he slanted a glance at Jeff. “And you?”

“I found Antwan a throw pillow with Darth Vader on it that says ‘free throat hugs’,” Jeff admitted.

That earned him a faint grin, “So you both found something useful. Wonderful. Get in the car.”

Stretch scowled, “i’m not done, i want to hit up the thrift store over on baldwin.”

“And so we will. Would you rather take the bus or my car?”

He hesitated, and Jeff gave him a beseeching look because seriously, Edge had an awesome car.

“you don’t get to come in,” Stretch muttered. “you’re no fun. you say things are ‘distasteful’ and ‘atrocities to Monsters and Humans alike’.”

“And I will continue my pledge to destroy anything you bring home with clowns on it,” Edge assured him. He popped the trunk so that Jeff and Stretch could squeeze their bags in. “That said, on my honor, I will allow you two to continue your rampage unhindered. I’ll only drop you off, agreed?”

“deal,” Stretch decided.

Jeff scrambled into the backseat, “Onward, my king, in our noble steed! The grail awaits!”

Stretch laughed and even Edge grinned, though he shook his head.

“You’re more like Don Quixote and Sancho than Arthur and Lancelot,” Edge chuckled, climbing into the driver’s seat, “but you’ll do.”

“drive, rocinante,” Stretch commanded, “behave, and later i’ll give you a ride instead.”

“Giddyap,” Edge murmured and pulled out onto the main road. Jeff pretended not to hear him, grateful for the wind on his face and the presence of friends.

 -finis-