#something could in fact keep them down
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Routine And Terror
Read on AO3 here
Fandom: Thunderbirds
Tagging: @dragonoffantasyandreality @thundergeek59 @janetm74 @katblu42 @liseylou @amistrio @uniwolfcorn @idontknowreallywhy (Please ask if you would like to get alerts when I update or post new stories.)
Thundertober Day 14: Submarine
When Gordon was in WASP, he commanded a deep-sea bathyscaphe for a year. This is the story of how that adventure ended, and what it could mean for the aquanaut service.
Continuity: TOS
A/n: References to Stingray abound! ^^ I just couldn't resist… >:3
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Wake up. Shower. Breakfast. Give orders. Lunch. Give more orders. Dinner. Sleep.
Wake up. Shower. Breakfast. Give orders. Lunch. Give more orders. Dinner. Sleep.
Wake up. Shower. Breakfast. Give orders. Lunch. Give more orders. Dinner. Sleep.
The days were always the same. An everlasting blur of events that Lieutenant Gordon Tracy struggled through just to be able to say he was doing his duty as the Commander of the deep sea bathyscaphe he and his crew were currently on. His year was almost up, just a couple of weeks were left now.
He felt as though the routine was slowly killing him from the inside out, taking his joy and free spirit the longer he sat in his command chair. Gordon loved the sea. More than the average person, and perhaps more than he probably should. But even he was beginning to feel stuck here. He sighed, grateful that all but the night crew were in their cabins, and pulled out a photo he’d taken with his family at Alan’s 16th birthday party. His only younger brother’s face beamed up at him, their three elder brothers looking up in fondness and reassurance.
If there was one thing he loved more than the dark blue waters of the ocean, it was his family. He missed them dearly, and the absence drove him to near insanity. But at the same time thoughts of them, of his father and his brothers, kept him sane. It was an odd paradox, but one Gordon found himself clinging onto.
He clung onto his father and grandmother’s love, both of them tough but fair. He clung onto Scott’s brotherly concern and Virgil’s melodies. He clung onto John’s tales of the great tapestry of stars and planets and Alan’s dreams of glory on the racetrack. Most of all, he clung onto the promise that he’d made to all of them. The promise that he’d come home. And that was what kept him going. Throughout all of this, it came down to them.
The harsh ringing in the corner of his cabin caught him off-guard, almost making him jump and fall out of the bunk. Wondering who could be ringing at this time of night, Gordon clicked select on the video phone. The face of one of his subordinates looked back at him. Gordon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “What’s wrong, Cadet Peters?” He frowned. “Your shift has been over for two hours. Get to bed.”
The cadet gritted her teeth nervously. “We have a problem, Lieutenant…” Gordon raised an eyebrow, prompting the woman to continue. “We have a breach in the port side of the hull.” Her superior lurched, bursting out of his cabin and into the corridor, heading for the bridge. Gordon thanked their lucky stars that the sub was nowhere near crush depth, having only just dived again after gathering supplies from the land above. The sea wouldn’t crush them, but it would still be their death if they didn’t act fast.
“Lieutenant on the bridge!” He heard as he burst through the double steel doors that separated the submarine's nerve centre from the main corridors.
He quickly barked orders. “Jonas! Give me a damage report!”
Jonas was happy to oblige. “Port side of our hull is badly damaged; near the engine bay. We’re leaking water.”
Another officer yelled. “If we don’t fix this soon we’ll be dead in the water.”
The chaos of the bridge only got larger and louder. “All right!” Gordon yelled out. To his surprise, they all listened without much argument. “Let’s not lose our heads, or we really will be stuck.” He turned to Peters, who’d only just come in. “Cadet, radio the engine bay and tell them to cut all power.” She nodded, rushing off to complete her assigned task. “Jonas. Surface. I don’t care what you have to do to accomplish it, but surface.” He looked at the other officer who had yelled before. “Prepare the lifeboats and be prepared to evacuate once we reach the surface. The rest of you, get ready to run. I need to let Marineville HQ know what’s going on.”
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‘How was this even possible…?’ Gordon asked over and over again in his head once he and his crew were safe and sound on dry land. It shouldn’t have been possible; that bathyscape had withstood even the toughest of rocks and the roughest of waters during the testing phase. But even then, he supposed there were a lot of things about the sea that humanity knew nothing about, and perhaps never would. It had been one of the reasons he’d agreed to take the position as commander-in-chief of the vessel after all.
A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. “You okay, Gords?” His younger brother strode into the room, sitting next to him on the bed.
“I’m okay, Al.” Gordon grinned impishly. “I’m still here, aren’t I?” His mind flashed to the day they’d returned to Marineville with the help of a naval ship, weary and tired from days adrift at sea, but otherwise unharmed. The bathyscaphe had sunk, taking all the research they’d made with it. And so close to the end of its trial period, too. Commander Shore hadn’t been happy about the loss, but had acknowledged Gordon’s quick thinking and decision making skills to get everyone out alive. Thanks to him, they hadn’t lost a single aquanaut. “I’m just thinking about how that sub could’ve gotten damaged. We were in open water; no rocks in sight. Weather was optimal. And yet there was a massive hole in the side of the hull.” Alan frowned doubtfully. “Don’t give me that, we all saw it.”
His brother paused before asking the question. “Could you have been attacked?”
“Maybe.” Gordon hummed. “But I doubt it. Our sonar didn’t pick up anything like another submersible… Guess it’s about time to switch to that new hydrophone technology the boffins have been bragging about.” He mused, huffing, and flopped backwards onto his bed. The thought that someone, or something, had attacked them sent shivers down his spine.
The two brothers sat in silence for a good few minutes, just enjoying each other's company for a brief moment. “We were really worried when we heard what had happened from Marineville, you know. For two days, none of us had any idea if you were safe…”
“Let me guess,” Gordon started, “don’t do it again?” Alan nodded furiously, and his brother shook his head in turn. “You know it doesn’t just work like that, Al. Not after what happened to Scott in Bereznik.” His eyes drooped apologetically at the words. Everyone hated remembering that time period, and they all made sure to never even say the name of the country in front of their eldest brother. “Military life is dangerous.”
Alan sighed. “I know. I just wish none of us had to deal with it…”
Gordon sat up from his position and wrapped an arm around his brother, pulling the aspiring motorist into a hug. “Hey, it’ll work out. We’ll all be okay. You know nothing can keep us down for long.”
#thunderfam#thunderbirds#thunderbirds 1965#thunderbirds fanfiction#gordon tracy#alan tracy#sky writes stuff#references to gerry andersons stingray#thundertober#thundertober 2023#set before gordon's hydrofoil crash#something could in fact keep them down#not for long though#just like gordon promised
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n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.
#text#i think even younger ones that possess the same nasty traits can be slammed back 'In their place' (in his mind) by him just bc his -#- abilities and power alone (alt. name the factors that make him 'Cool') that dumbs them down insanely in comparison#maybe by this i mean like; ild*ri. despite the animosity she could still feel very foolish and is conscious of her wuss-ness#if that makes sense#cause no matter the disrespect anyone might have for an older capable person the reality is still reality#tbh i just think he doesn't like to sweat it much and still aims for the younger ones bc it's easier than it would be for someone that's -#- 30+ years old#and once he's proven his point he doesn't find any merit in sticking with older ones cause their interests or anything they offer -#- don't matter to or interest Him personally#i think an older demographic is just more boring to him and he would rather spend his time being metaphorically sucked off for his greats -#- by someone that already finds themselves 'lesser' than him and always will for a long time#than someone that is defiant of that fact#basically the more power imbalance the better#in his mind there will always be one unless he certainly knows someone is his equal (or better than him) but he likes the add-on of an -#- age difference too#keeps it in a safe zone with less problems for him#sorry for spitting again my brain just started machine-gunning thoughts for no reason#also i said before that he's an innocence fan. might not be a total puritan but there's something there#it's kinda like him not wanting to be with a dusty ''OLD'' person that's seen a lot anyway#i'm like barely able to hold myself back from opening my mouth to mention t*lvas where i'm making a point about n*loth's brain where he -#- isn't even needed to prove it#but like#him voicing dislike of n*loth general nauseating character and actions but still sucking up to him while n*loth can probably feel -#- that dislike anyway is cute to me i like to view it as an object being thrown into the wall over and over#where n*loth is proving his own worth to other people by drilling their brains out with proof. not that he needs to#but he would like that to be perfected a 100%#and t*lvas is capable of being molded into that state ....... probably#silusvesuisuis you didnot just confess to wanting to see t*lvas be slammed into a wall you fucked up demented beast you're sick#actually can't believe i forgot to mention this but he's literally so immature idk what he has anything in common with actual mature people
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han solo wants what atton rand has
#AND THATS A FACT#guys pls play kotor 2 and see my vision#atton deserves a romance questline with as much depth and length as astarion’s fr#and also an option to be an evil power couple#i will fund the kotor remakes and kotor 3 myself if i have to#its the way i didn’t even know he existed when i started playing#but then i fell in love#like he’s an extremely close second to anakin#‘they can’t hurt you bc you’ll be right here with me playing pazaak’ AND THEN THAT BEING BASICALLY THE LAST THING HE SAYS#obsidian partner with larian studios and bring kotor back and my life is yours#i deadass wrote fic about my mc and atton after playing#star wars#knights of the old republic#i havent played the restored content mod but even then its like……. i need something more#a fictional star wars situationship really had me crying bc i wanted a better ending#kotor 2 is so interesting bc i loved it#but whats great about it sometimes reinforces whats bad about it#that being the cut content and the sometimes apparent lack of substance in spots#i shouldn’t have been an infant when kotor 2 was made i shouldve been in the writers room#i need him i need him i need him#‘you have a husband?’ oooooooooooooooooooh#i just think seeing the kotor games with the graphics of something like jedi survivor would be insane#fav#i could talk about this game forever i beat both of them in the span of like about 2 weeks i was obsessed#my nerd ass loves star wars sm#like lets keep going back in time i rlly dont care about the ‘modern’ star wars era#and theres an easter egg line where atton calls you an angel even though he says hes joking#ahhhhhhhhhhhhh#genuinely down bad#📜.scrolls
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I made a similar post before a long ass time ago for the other three da protags but now it's time for rook, this time in poll format <3
as always feel free to ramble about your ocs in the tags!! 👀
#💾#dragon age#mostly threw this together bc i think it's a fun dragon age character development question#and i wanted to bring some oc community engagement to the dash today#community? comradery? positivity? idk#← rare moment of me not minding if one of my posts breaks containment#ive had this sitting in my drafts forever and kept forgetting about it so whatever. go my scarab#also i want to make a spirit version but i cant have 2 polls in the same post. L#anyway. for lleyth it's actually hard for me to figure out for once bc like i could see pride for obvious reasons including solas#but at the same time i think lleyth is... actually quite humble and does not believe themself to be any better or more qualified than anyon#like they dont want the position they're in at all and they doubt their own leadership skills constantly#and they do what they must bc they have to. not bc 'they're the only one who can (do it right)' like solas wants to believe ab himself#and i think people who make good targets for pride are people who would do anything for power. lleyth does not want that#which leads me to think they would probably be targeted by despair.#i think they are someone who is used to being forced to lock away their sadness and either turn it into useful rage or compartmentalize it#but there is just. a deep and profound sense of not belonging anywhere and doubting their place in the world/others' lives#and if they weren't the type of person whose instincts kick in like a failsafe and make them keep fighting no matter what#i feel like they really would be stopped in their tracks by an overwhelming feeling of futility and misery#and there are a Lot of miserable moments in lleyth's life a demon could use to manipulate that within them 😔#plus despair seems to be the polar opposite of determination. which considering spite really likes/is drawn to lleyth... yeah. yeah#and the fact that despair demons constantly single out rook in combat is like. haha whats going on there bud........#and i personally think the inverse of this question (what spirit would be drawn to them) answer would be determination#bc damn kid you don't know how to quit. you will punch up at the cost of even your own fists and it's admirable#constantly swinging at something bigger than you that you cant take down etc etc#*take me to war by the crane wives starts playing as i lean out over the balcony smoking a cigarette*#take me to war honey i dare you. i'll be the sweetest thing to ever scare you <3 etc etc#plus its also tasty to me to think about lucanis having to break them out of the Despair Mind Prison#by chipping away at all of the awful things they believe about themself. as payback#🫵 get loved and adored idiot
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Also you 🤝me
Doing Bad Things Happen Bingo looking at Rise and cackling wickedly…..now to make them their own separate thing or write more CC brainrot
always the option to mix it up a little !!! i'll probably be writing a little cc if i get an idea for something really good with my bthb but im probably going to focus mooostly on original prompts so mess around. do what your heart desires!!!
#ask#my brain races in circles for ages until i get a Zing#and that is what makes me write the good shit#and i literally could not tell you what makes it happen it just kinda. pop#WHERE DID I GET THE CANARIES FROM BRUH#fun fact for CU i was originally planning on doing a curse that affected all of them#to draw a line between donnie and his family like#its a kind of affliction that can be mitigated with physical touch#for the rest of them it barely means anything. its so easy to handle#so they dont even consider donnie at all at first until its too late#and they werent even told it COULD get that bad because why would they be???#i couldnt find a structure for it so i changed it to venom instead howeverrr#i am very invested in the idea of doing some whump for all of them like that#like idk pollen that heightens paranoia severely or something#and splinter has to confront the ways his neglect has affected his children definitely by the ways they act#OH THE ZING HAPPENED#splinter pov ....#raph fight leo flight mikey freeze donnie fawn...... chat im cooking. CHAT IM COOKING#eyeing the self loathing prompt#like mikey cant do anything but cry and cling to his family#and raph is super protective and trying to herd them and keep them AWAY from splinter out of distrust#and leo flees because he's ashamed of being distress and they cant see him like that#while donnie obsessively cleans and checks stock#and splinter thinks he's being reliable 'as ever' until he breaks down over something so simple#like not enough food and its the day before grocery day#CHAT IM COOKING#omfg
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I mean it's a poll about which you prefer not which is objectively better. Windwaker could be the best game ever made and tbh I'd still vote oot. Sorry
And yet, OoT isn't that great even coming from a dude obsessed with it 😭 Sorry
#the hyper fixation that fucking sucks 💖#cant even do a perosnal prefrence my personal prefrence is OoT and YET#I CANT DEFEND IT AGAINST WIND WAKER HAHDGSHSGS WIND WAKER IS JUST A BETTER FUNNER MORE WELL WRITTEN GAME#and i get why people keep asking for it on the switch for like...convinence reasons but i wish people would just emulate it or watch a#playthrough SOMETHING like#god if i wasnt hit with the oot/mm beam it may have been tp or wind eaker#WIND WAKER FUCK#actually fun fact i was obsessed with Tp Link for a few years of my lifr before going RIGHT BACK TO TIME LINK#the ages of 11-13 was tp nation#AND BEFORE AND AFTER WAS ALL OOT LIKE HELP MEEEEEE#THAT BITCH HAS ME IN AN INESCAPABLE CHOKE HOLD#OH MY GOD THIS REMINDS ME ANON WHO wants me dead i assume i see that little sorry of yours but i need to get back on the tablet i have been#doing this custom paint work for stuff and#wait am i just#im just rambaling in the tags aint i#you know what personal prefrance is oot sweeps evey game except MM TP WW and BotW for the most part like im#i like them games a lot more for various reasons but#the comfort game 💖 the hyper fixation that fucking sucks 💖💖💖💖💖#god if i could do a full break down of oot zeph and moon and myles made fun of me for n64 reasons if you bitches are reasing this gimmie an#angry orchard and 100mg gummy WATCH ME WORK
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More sketchy employee profile images. Mostly made to be able to replace the picrew I had in the template I made since I can draw. I did end up just putting it as back and white though but the color is just nice to have. I'm STILL trying to tweak the template since it is very finicky and there is an example of what it looks down below if you're interested. It is a lot. It will happen. I am just not the quickest
There are typos and inconsistencies I missed but in general it should be fine...
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#I ALMOST POSTED THIS WITH NO TAGS dude. dude. that or they got eaten which is also a high possibility#a bit lengthy with a lot of text qs well if it is decided to be looked upon. as said before it full of maybe inconsistencies and typos#the reason i keep stalling making it public is because its in GOOGLE DOCS. GOOGLE DOCS!!! and unoptimized for phone viewing so ahh... eh...#there was going to be a later part for notes but it would be around the later days so... cant reallt happen#mostly after cheseds core suppression due to ryn and him having contradictory views up to that point. ryn putting way too much effort into#their job while at that point chesed kind of gave up in a way. not going to ramble too muhc abt that its oc things but the dynamic of that#was something i wanted to talk about a bit.. that and the death of angelina but that happens LATE and near the final days#and communication is down with the rest#i wanted to make more boxes and categories but also for the ease of use i limited it. that and attempting to fit them into pages seemed lik#hell. honestly. eekk!! not up for that. included both for the sake of showcasing. i didnt finish the last ones which was going to be a#showing of an employee with not as many permissions due to ryn and angelina actually both being captains. will do that when i do showcase#and give out the actual template along with other things like images for 'transfer' like another branch#'dismissed' 'resigned' 'deceased' 'mia' which would be for things like backwards clock and wellcheers#there was so much math needed.... it was just adding and checking numbers for a timeline but still..... ew..... that and employee team shit#tried to have it somewhat believable a bit. kind of semi believable to go yeah this could be smthn that is in the corp#employee numbers were based off red shoes entry!! it had been different before but i read it in game since i got it and was like. OHH wait#.... i feel rather embarrassed to post this actually. excited but also embarrassed. likely the idea of showing something i ended up#putting hours into . its probably that. plus the fact its for original creations.... i hope itll be of use some day
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It's crazy how the incest stuff negates any support system Cathy has. like technically she has someone offering her an out from her abusive husband but choosing that also means choosing this other terrible thing. like. she's trying to get as far away from the past abuse as she can (while still holding onto so much anger) but she's escaping into new abuse (connected to holding onto anger???) and trusting. deciding. believing that it will aid her in achieving her goals, and then she can go from there. this belief of indestructibility bc what does she have if not that??? how could she stand to keep going while stuck between these options if she didn't separate herself entirely from them. the only people offering her escapes are just asking if she'd please come get abused by them instead of the current guy and every option is still better than how she was raised
#fita#She doesn't know she could have other options if she changed her goals. or. she doesn't want the other options bc What would it be for then#what would've been the point of all that time training in the attic. so much of her passion from dance comes from the fact that dancing was#one of the only things she could do in the attic and the time they spent up there had to be Worth Something. but in trying to create a life#from the foundation laid in the attic she's putting down a bunch of rotten support beams and they are going to collapse.#shes living as an echo. that whole time period of her life is defining the rest even if she's defining it by the good parts#like. goal that was set as a way to cope with abuse and set in a vacuum of total abuse. and then she Just Kept Going. and everyone is#telling her she's going to run off a cliff but she doesn't believe them because they've all done the same stuff to her. no that's not right#that's part of it but it's also so much that she believes all abuse will lead to something good. penance and deserving and making time wort#it. she believes that this abuse will lead to something that jusitifies it because she's dedicating her life to justifying the earlier abus#^which is also just a thing all the dance teachers are telling her. that she can't stop or leave now bc she has to make all this hard work#and suffering worth it. which is also the logic their mother used to keep them in the attic
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Ok but sometimes the most infuriating political stance a person can have is point blank refusing to discuss social issues with you when you bring it up because they "don't want to get political". Don't open the tags unless you want to read a rant
#my random stuff#vaguepost#vent post#like... babes. how do i explain EVERY DAMN THING YOU DO can be considered political by some metric#YES that includes your silence#also the fact that they will happily talk about being a socialist and fuck the tories and everything#but then if i ever want to discuss something that doesn't directly affect them they will literally just shut me down#like i know our normal friendship consists of sunshine and rainbows and silliness#but I'd fucking appreciate if you didn't ruin that friendship by refusing to agree with me about things that should be a no brainer#I can't even discuss fucking JK ROWLING with them!! because their sibling loves harry potter and they always say “it's just a kids series”#and “let them have their nostalgia”#OH I'M SORRY.#DOES YOUR FUCKING NOSTALGIA MEAN MORE TO YOU THAN MY LITERAL SURVIVAL AND HEALTH???#like. I'm sorry but there's more important things here#babygirl i don't know how to explain to you#that if a political party said they were going to kill all lefties people BUT give all right handed people unlimited access to horror films#you would vote for them wouldn't you?#even though I'm left handed you'd say “of course i support left handedness how can you even question that”#<- shit metaphor. i know.#but i could point out “yeah they want to kill me” and they'd say “I just don't know enough about it to discuss this; sorry”#like??? if you don't know enough#maybe. fucking?? educate yourself??? by having discussions about it???#PLEASE pull your head out the sand sweetie#saying you care is just empty fucking words#i shouldn't be saying this; they're one of my oldest friends but GOD.#if you can't even agree with me about jkr being a fucking holocaust denier we're going to keep having problems
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when you read a fic that gives you a hyper-specific whump scenario that you know would either A.) take forever to find in another story or B.) hasn't been written at all so the obvious conclusion is that you have to write it yourself
#whump meme#~my stuff~#my brain hates me sometimes lmao#i just want a story where two characters are stuck in a broken down car in the middle of winter and having an argument#which leads to one stomping outside in some petty attempt to 'find help' while the other person doesn't realize#what is happening at first. they think their friend is just taking a quick second to catch their thoughts. not the best idea in a snow stor#but the other option is them tearing each others heads off so a little separation is fine. but then their friend starts walking away#and keeps going. so now they have to chase after them to corral them back into the car#because yeah its broken but its still somewhat warm unlike this suicide mission you are attempting!!#and then theres a big blow up because they have kinda been the shit-stirrer so their friend just is#im fixing it!! im being not annoying/useless/something related to whatever they were arguing about!!#so now they get slapped in the face with the fact that they've been taking out their bad day/week on their friend#who was simply being themself and trying to cheer them up/be nice#and when they eventually get back in the car the friend now feels like shit because they not only wasted heat from the car#but they also dragged their friend outside just bcuz they were being a brat so didn't they just prove the other person's point?#so now the two are just in a guilt huddle apologizing for being idiots as they inevitably wait for their rescue#bonus points if the rescue involves their rescuers trying to separate them and the other person just *refuses* to let their friend go#because they have a need to keep the first person warm after feeling like they essentially forced them out into the cold#is that too much to ask?? (i could turn this into an A talks to B scenario... also thinking about my OCs but when am i not lol)
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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FINALLY finished my outline for prodigal son it’s going to end up way longer than i planned </3
#there’s so much i’m trying to get across without making it ridiculously long#i’m like. trying to make it clear that malc isn’t the driving force here#because he’s a bit older than jamie and jamie’s only eighteen and pretty sheltered so it could seem dodgy#and don't get me wrong i'm not going to NOT write something just because it's objectively shady especially for ttoi#but it’s not like malcolm swoops in and initiates everything. that wouldn't fit the characters#jamie’s a determined wee shit and he’s fucking relentless when he wants to be#it’s more a case of malcolm caving and agreeing to let him into His World as it were#and jamie’s always had this anger and this rebellious streak that leaves him susceptible to doing shady shit#he’s not a kid he’s making his own decisions malc’s just here for the ride#and also like. jamie SEEMS like he’s losing his faith at points but it’s actually getting stronger#i don’t want it to seem like he’s given up god for the sake of following malcolm#he’s just making peace with the fact that his god and the christian god don’t align too well#it's kind of like. malcolm is partly helping him be more honest and brave and do some good in the world#but he's also partly (mostly unknowingly) being a genuinely bad influence too#but all the bad shit jamie's going to end up doing comes from himself. it was already there#because i see jamie and malc as huge enablers for each other. it's their whole thing#and i think it's interesting to show them in my fic being (for the time) very radical and rebellious#and it stems from a genuine desire to a) do good in the world and help people and b) break themselves out of the working class bubble#but by the time they reach canon that has manifested into something quite horrible#their rebellion and radicalism is now used to do bad things that don't even justify the end goal anymore#and now they've broken out the working class bubble they're just playing into the toxic westminster mindset#because that's the only way you survive in the game (or at least in malcolm's case. he ends up with no spine)#because he's willing to abandon his principles if it keeps him and the party in power#and at some point down the line the good intentions get lost to his own ego and need for control#anyway i'm normal#ttoi
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i love talking to Religious People but i dont love it so i called my mom earlier and my brother stopped by and to both of them i talked about my 8am religious thing and i was like - well, the UU thing sounded *fun* - it kind of felt like that was cheating - and my brother (practicing dirtbag catholic electrician who goes to mass and sits there having intrusive thoughts about the crusades) goes "yeah, well, it's not supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be reflective" . ok mister 500 years ago i would have chopped peoples heads off. first of all probably not they didn't send tater farmers on those kinds of things . second of all my mother goes "not supposed to be fun? where'd you get that idea?" like.........why didn't YOU get that idea? like. you grew up in the same religion i did and you don't have weird issues about it. unfair
#my dad's weird issues are the same as mine#except that instead of seeing them as a reason that perhaps catholicism is not good. he doubles down and sees church as Work#like church for him is a responsibility that proves he has initiative and is not a lazy shirker#for me the fact that i have these guilty thoughts at all is proof that i need to be very far away from that shit#like. i actively want to try and experience someone else's spiritual fun in a way that clicks with me#everyone i know believes SOMEthing and i don't. but i want to see if there's a way i could make it work without that#dad's answer would be to just keep going to mass until it does work (hasn't happened yet for either of us but that won't stop him)#mom's answer would be to pick and choose the elements of one of the world's strictest ritual faiths (a thing they tell you not to do)#my answer? i dont know yet#but i do know it's not the one i grew up with
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personally i think every single fitting room should have seats :c
#fed up of some stores having them only in the disabled rooms#and there's usually only 1#seats aren't just for the disabled... they're for everyone..#just as i was complaining about it in my head. i heard someone asking the workers about it#let people be comfortable??#i haven't got official diagnoses for anything but sitting down while changing helps ground me mentally and keep my balance physically#not only that. i was wearing shoes that i needed something to step on so i could put them on cuz they're super tight#in one of the fitting rooms there were no seats even in the corridor so i had to sit down in the room to get my shoes on :/#this isn't even mentioning how claustrophobic most fitting rooms are#or the fact some of the curtains are bullshit and don't actually cover your room#as someone who HATESSSSSS *ANYONE* seeing me REMOTELY undressed i fucking hate it#sensory fucking nightmare as well as physically irritating#fucking chain stores. am i right.#but there you go#just needed to rant LOL#rant in tags#spinny rant#irl stuff
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i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.
#uhhhhhm no you HAVE NOT SENT THIS TO ME BEFORE?!?!#I literally am speechless#I’m not super talky right now#but even if I was I feel like I’d still be fucking speechless#like I already said I love your writing 🩷#and it fucking BLOWS ME AWAY when people write about me or use me as an inspiration#like????????? what??????? me???????????!#I’m going to keep this close to my heart and look at it whenever I’m feeling down#I don’t remember if I said that already but it’s true#I need to get a journal or a cute box to put things like this in so I can just grab it and look through them when I’m feeling shitty#one thing I needed to say is the fact that you shared this with me now of all times??? is kinda crazy to me#idk if it’s a coincidence or if the universe/God/whoever/whatever is trying to tell me to go back into music and singing#not going to go into it too much but I’ve been looking at my life a lot lately#and I’m realizing I’m not getting any younger…. I know I’m still young but if I don’t do something soon -#my life is going to completely pass before my eyes and I really really don’t want that#I’m *finally* going to get mental help soon (long story but I have to wait a few weeks)#and once I’m actually mentally stable I can focus on what I want to do with my life#so I’ve been thinking a lot about my performing arts background and then randomly a get an email from a choir director I know#asking if I could please join the choir for their Easter performance cause they could really use my high notes#and she just kept complimenting me and it felt really nice ☺️#then when I went to the first rehearsal I sat next to this girl and we were singing a part and the first sopranos go up to a high A#and I can hit it easily but most of them couldn’t so it felt like I was going this mini solo lol#but she asks me what my range is and I told her that back when I trained I could sing queen of the night which I think goes up to an F6#and she was talking about how impressive that is#and it made me think about if I actually trained and got back into it how good I actually could get#I don’t mean this to be like ‘look at me look at me I’m so good’#it just feels nice to have a little bit of a direction again#who knows if I’ll actually go down the music path again but it does sound damn exciting#I miss it with all my heart - I miss singing and performing and acting… I even miss music theory#anyway rant over and i ran out of space but thank you so much I seriously can’t thank you enough 😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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Having a complicated relationship with your mum is so confusing. It's the knowledge that she taught me the best way to make gravy, how tie my shoes and how to make my bed. But she's also the one that made disparaging comments about my body growing up and is part of the reason I don't want to be a parent myself and why I moved across the country for uni. But she's still my mum and I still find myself wishing I could seek comfort from her when things get a little too hard but the mum I'm longing for doesn't really exist. And I see her in the colour of my eyes and in the way I grit my teeth when I'm angry. She taught me how to do my hair and how to cover up bruises. She's a part of me in all the good and the bad. And there's no way to say you hate someone that doesn't also acknowledge all the good because nothings as ever as black and white as that
#personal#+Extra#i dont know i was making gravy for dinner the way my mum taught me and it got me thinking about how i havent spoken to her in over a week#since she told me that my dad is threatening to kick me out again and i started thinking about the fact im currently at empty student#accommodation for the summer instead of back home like most people anf how part of me feels guilty for that and the other knows im doing#whats best for me and theres a reason i left people keep asking why im so far up north for uni if im from down south and i dont know how to#explain it they look at you a certain way when you say you dont get along with your parents like your an entitled brat that cant see that#theyre just doing whats best for you and theres no way to explain two decades of trauma to someone in a single conversation theres no way#to get them to understand that despite what my parents do and the fact i went as far as i could for uni theyre still my parents and i love#them even when i hate them for everything and although ill being carrying the scars of childhood trauma with me long after ive left them i#cant entirely blame even when i want to they made terrible choice that have shaped me for ever but theyre still people and ill always#resent them for the people they are and the fact they could do better but didnt for us and the fact they fall back into those people like#a bad habit when i spend to long at home in a way that makes feel like theres something wrong with me specifically will always sit with me#but for now im stood in my kitchen making sheppards pie thinking of the way my mum used to make it and the tension that used to hang over#the dining table while we ate and how now my parents dont even eat in the same room and im grateful my little siblings will never know#that side of our parents but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt every time i see a reflection of my parents in myself and wish i could cut it out
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