#some ppl really do have so much energy
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most of our customers are so lovely and kind and understanding and know that we’re a small business and if we fuck something up, we’ll do our best to fix it
and then sometimes you get one lady who tries to report you to the better business bureau for being unwilling to process an exchange request for a skirt that was purchased 8 months ago
#nothin happened like we have a clearly stated 90 day refund/exchange policy#which is already like 3x the norm for clothes#but after the BBB sided with us (not that we have an account w them anyway??) she threatened to report us to the FCC#and also threatened to take us to small claims#some ppl really do have so much energy#maya rambles
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Bless Mokumokuren for outright stating that the genre tags for Hikaru ga Shinda Natsu have never changed, i.e. the official site never dropped the "BL" tag from the series as it got more popular to reach a wider audience. It's been a persistent rumor in the fandom, and one I'm afraid will start circulating again once the anime starts airing.
If you mainly follow English language sources, please remember that whatever tags different anime and manga sites, databases, aggregators etc., either add or leave out don't always reflect the author's intent and the official sources, and should NOT be used to argue for what genre or demographic a certain work belongs to. It can just be random people claiming whatever they want based on their own interpretations and I've seen plenty of errors and real time changes to them based on new chapter developments, that might help catch the attention of some people, but don't suddenly change the genre of the work itself.
Not having BL as a genre tag also doesn't mean that a work can't include any boys loving. The queer themes have always been present in HGSN, and if you're up to date with the manga, they've been outright stated. Having queer characters or a queer story line doesn't automatically mean that a work is BL or yuri, and not including those tags doesn't mean that it's just "baiting". This gets brought up so much I think Mokumokuren's gotten tired of it, because the other day they clearly spelled it out for everyone, assuring that the story is queer, although it's not tagged as BL or focused on romance.
Here's what they shared on their Bluesky account:
The genre tag and advertising direction on the official website have never changed since the beginning of serialization. From the beginning, it has been consistently promoted as a "coming-of-age horror" within the official reach. (It's also true that the official reach is very limited…) Whatever the genre tag is, and even if this story isn't a romance, as the author, I guarantee that it is a queer story. There seems to be a persistent false rumor going around that "the author suddenly removed the BL tag from the official website by the 3rd volume," but the truth is that there was never an official BL tag from the beginning. (This is not to deny any queerness.)
And further back:
My opinion that the genre of The Summer Hikaru Died is something that the readers are free to think about on their own remains unchanged, but I view it as a story that sympathizes with those who have been left out of stories about love and sex, so I describe it as "coming-of-age horror." I think the key is the fear of not being “normal” and not having a place to belong, which is common for all kinds of people regardless of their attributes. I think it's fine for queer stories that aren't romances to exist. That's why I've been careful not to position it as a love story from the start.
Let's stop obsessing over tags and allow queer stories to exist and thrive, even when they lack a clear romantic plot or subplot and are more subdued.
#my nonsense#hikaru ga shinda natsu#the summer hikaru died#i've been following mokumokuren for years and they've been getting more and more direct about this#i have to imagine they've gotten tired of international fans pestering them about this to really spell it out#usually using some english too#they also pointed out how genre definitions can differ in different countries so expectations differ too#it must be so frustrating to be writing a queer story about not fitting in and constantly have ppl saying you're not doing it right ;____;#also i don't know how much of a problem this is anymore (apparently still to some degree?) or how necessary this post is anymore#but i want it to exist for new fans esp those who find it thought the anime since i know the baiting discourse will start up again#and old ones who lack media literacy or maybe don't follow and translate mokumokuren's tweets and bluesky stuff#speaking of should i get a bluesky account???#(also the translations are janky bc i used translators and can't spend any extra energy on them pls forgive me)
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aspec killugon... save me aspec killugon.............
#looking at them thru my arospec goggles makes me feel crazy. so much going on...... i feel like u could get really into their relationship#i would/want to write a fic but writing just takes so much out of me. i dont have the energy to set it up effectively#like. i think gon would just do what feels good and what he thinks is right no matter what. he wouldnt get too hung up on it#hes never really cared what ppl think of him thaaaat much to have like. a sexuality crisis imo LMFAO#killua tho. he would have some amatonormativity in there#his really intense desire for intimacy would cognize as exclusively romance and he would buy into the social relationship hierarchy lie#as usual it would be like pulling teeth with him. its ok hes a little stupid bless his heart#heliichats
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i love how fraught and complicated discourse around various utena characters ‘dying’ is when anthy is literally stabbed to death eternally by a million swords imbued with human hatred. and then utena gets stabbed to death by them also. like. ‘death’ is incredibly interesting in rgu because most of the time it’s this ambiguous figurative thing that has interesting implications re: ohtori as a closed-off world one can escape. we are all trapped in our coffins. mamiya is the only named character with a grave. nemuro memorial hall functions as one all the same. ruka is implied to have died in the hospital— was he dead all along? who was the boy we saw for these two episodes? is this dead boy the same boy, or is this just another coincidence from the shadow girls, cutting like a knife? it’s heavily implied that akio and anthy murder kanae by poisoning her, adding to the previous implication that they were poisoning mr ohtori too, but there are no perceptible consequences of this. kanae’s absence is not felt. she’s fed an apple slice. what happens to the bodies? we know what happened to the 100 boys, but what about everyone else? and so on and so forth. ‘death’ is a tricky thing in utena, i think it’s constantly functioning on figurative and literal levels in very different ways for very different purposes. dios died. dios was dying. dios didn’t die. he grew up. etc etc
#what am i trying to say here?#idk! think about all of the pieces you have#dying is complicated in ohtori in countless different ways#and i find it boring to see so much ‘this character is dead and that’s it’ stuff#when death is used farrrrrrr more figuratively than some ppl give credit for#and i think the movie too does wonderful things with death#and what ‘dying’ really means#being disbelieved. being forgotten. being rejected. haunting despite this#much more interesting to think about wrt commentary on abusive relationships than it is#to think about what?? oh me when my brother died but plot twist he’s alive and can walk on this road all cool. like?????#akio doesn’t have the power to make himself revenant#he THINKS he does and he absolutely has power when he’s alive and he imbues that power with such meaning that it does live on after him#but ANTHY. anthy is the one struggling with herself and her feelings and the impact of trauma and abuse (that power!!) in aou#he’s dead? he died? she brought him back through her memories? or she’s left him (metaphorical death) and he’s haunting her??#all such interesting interpretations#i haven’t mentioned touga bc i don’t have the energy today. if dead and just illusion of others memories then why active. why awful#like in aou akio is only Obviously scummy when he’s alive. his illusory self is based upon anthy’s love for him#if anime!touga is nothing more than nanami/whoever’s memories of him before he died……. why does he actively choose to suck again and again#like nanami wouldn’t do that. unless it was meant to be a subconscious thing like ooo he’s dead all along but that’s not what her arc is#it’s not ‘he’s been dead all along’ literally or figuratively. it’s ‘he’s unsafe and i don’t want him’#sigh. once again i am asking people to think about nanami and touga’s dynamic through touga’s eyes#it’s so interesting to me how people forget to consider his motivations or feelings on ANYTHING#like sure his motivations and feelings are scummy but they’re interesting!!!!! they intrigue me!!!!#compel me even#anyway ignore how i said i didn’t have the energy for this and then typed it all out anyway#dais.txt
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another fun parallel with these two, and a ringing snail communicator:
luffy, chapter 549, answering a snail on a stolen navy ship while on his way to save ace in marineford after wrecking the whole of impel down prison:
zoro, chapter 614, answering a snail on the fishman island, in the ryugu palace, talking to the princes of the kingdom while the king is tied up behind him:
#they really have some similar energy in these.#even the ppl around them act similar like “wtf are you doing” akdjs its so funny#zolu#one piece#monkey d. luffy#roronoa zoro#mine#hearing a ringing snail. picking it up almost immediately even if they might not be the best person to answer that - but actually they are#thanks to their bluntness and straightforwardness it makes the whole call much better.#also i like how even before that zoro was already thinking how to get everyone out of there. getting the crew together and away#so with that plan - as a first mate- he was ready to deal about the demands to secure a way for the strawhats to leave#(at this point in the story at least)#gif:zolu#gif:op manga
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ok fine im a bit pissy
I did not spend HOURS of EVERY DAY this week, most often WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT
doing things for certain types of encampment that I CANT TALK ABT ON SOCIAL MEDIA ON RISK OF SELF-INCRIMINATION
to be palestine-guilted over MEMEING ABOUT MISHA COLLINS
I did not WORK MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION
face *REDACTED* and *REDACTED*
to be told that my HAPPY LITTLE FANDOM POSTING on a site with NO FINANICAL OR ALGORITHMIC SIGNIFICANCE TO CELEBRITIES somehow undoes alllll of that.
is this a good post? no. does it apply to a lot of ppl? prolly not. could I lose followers/moots for this? yeah.
but its what I'm feeling rn.
#literally the only reason im not holding the line rn is bc im actively physically ill#gods forbid that when im miserable abt not being able to help. some fantastic tumblr bs occurs to cheer me up#misha collins#misha fucking collins#like i dont even support him! why do ppl think memes = “i support this person and all their beliefs”#also its fucked up that “palestine-guilted” is even a THING. either say shit that contributes to real information spreading/activism/etc#or gtfo the movement. like this is so unserious in the worst possible way#sorry im probably going to get so much hate on this post I'm just. tired. and angry.#i keep saying this but every time you want to make a post shaming ppl on tumblr for supporting a celeb/public figure over this issue....#ask yourself why you aren't using that time and energy to make change in a way that matters.#yall clearly are angry for the right reasons and have really good hearts. but this aint it. ppl online arent gonna care and these actors+#dont know you exist and likely never will.
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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in like a day or two i can get back to leveling ast thank the fucking twelve for that
#ffposting#i dont dislike blm but ive been having such a hard time actually doing my roulettes. been having a lot of headaches#also really bad sleep. i dont have the focus or energy for much. havent gotten groceries yet but i will very soon. that will help#once im done w the magical classes ive decided im gonna just. lvl all my lvl 1 jobs until like 49#then go for mnk & sam. get them to 100. switch to drg & rpr. get them to 100. then ninja can prob be at the same time as mch & brd#then the tanks for last bc i like tanking & also to save myself the faster queue times for last as sweet reprive & reward#but also. hm. i wont be doing alliance raids as tank i dont think. maybe for the 50-59 range for pal?#but like above that no. im not tanking mhach raids. i could possibly tank ivalice+pupbunk+motr but not mhach#OR copied factory bc i dont remember anything abt it. OR paradigms breach i am not fucking doing that fuck that#tank mains are the bravest ppl on earth. i love tanking but like i am not doing that.#maybe i could keep ninja for alongside the tanks? so it gets the alliance raids...?#but also itd be nice to have SOME way of getting heliometry tomestones without having to do hunt trains exclusively#or like running thaleia like a crazy person#i still havent continued arcadion. im scared. its probably not that bad but the way ppl talk abt it it feels scary.#hggg. all this is gonna take so much time. but i can do it. because of my love for the game. & for the grind.#i do enjoy grinding because i enjoy the game's content it's just really unfortunate that you have to queue for dps yknow.#especially in arr levels bc after arr you get duty support dungeons at decent intervals level wise#but in arr you get stone vigil at 41 & then nothing until 50 it's vile#& man i do NOT wanna queue for 30 minutes to go to the fucking aurum vale
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for real though that post is so true on the love front i think about it all the time like why is everyone so LOVELESS not even just in like cishetero marriages where they hate each other just in general like platonic too. it drives me craaazy when im exposed to it like why are ppl like this !! why dont you love your friends and partner!! its like everything is a social game that theyre playing just for validation and lacking real connection and its a game where theyre always about 2 steps away from being bitter and hateful towards their friends/lover like STOOOOP! im someone who values love and kindness so much and it baffles me. why do you hate your partner! why do you talk about them like theyre an object of validation! why are you dating someone you clearly dislike! why are u so mean to ur friends behind their backs im cryin. why do you up and abandon them the second you get a partner bc you dont value them over the romantic validation you get. ive always been such an affectionate person at heart and i value what my friends say so much and i always find myself feeling so distant from people in relationships because they just feel?? so shallow?? and distant from me. like i think oh this preson gets me but theres ppl who say the same things how they value kindness and love but its always like, immediately clear they are actually a deeply mean person and just enjoy feeling like theyre 'good'. the way society functions with relationships feels so intensely shallow and i cannot connect to it at all. i love my friends and i love people and i always want to understand them and reach out with compassion and be close to them physically and emotionally speaking and talk a lot and listen to them. however im cursed to live in a world of 1 word responses if any at all and shallow relationships where no one gaf about each other and then i get told i talk too much. hello? *tapping mic* hello? is this thing on? be filled with whimsy and love going forward please. anyway does anyone else feel this way or is it just me feel free to talk about it if youd like
#thank god i finally found some friends who are like this too it was so rough before#it sucks tho bc ive been so tired lately its hard for me to live up to this#which i dont hate myself for its valid its just like waaah i wanna have the energy to really put my all in friendships again#for half my life my biggest want and goal in life has been to be someone approachable and who seems kind#even to people with anxiety and i think growing up with anxiety greatly shaped that#i value being kind and compassionate and understanding to such a degree that i spent and still spend time actively working#towards that goal and unlearning being judgemental and bitter#bc i want to be kind so badly and to put kindness in the world...#no but seirously why do people date ppl they dont like#wym you guys arent so unabashedly in love that you practically see hearts thinking of them#wym your entire chest doesnt fill with joy and the simple prospect of them experiencing lifes small joys no matter how little and mundane#to love so wholly that you strive to be a good person not out of guilt or feeling like you are bad but because you desire so deeply to be#good for them and put as much goodness in their life as you can because its what they deserve...💙💙#ANYWAY LMFAO! im sappy asf as a person sorry everyone but also not sorry#pers
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shining solo ep 8. my reaction rn 😐😐 took it a bit hard lmao
#tp#very mixed feelings. as someone who associates herself with jeongwoo and having very similar personalities... this ep hurt a lot#idk idk#i mean i get it but i also absolutely do not get it#so many thoughts im taking this very personally what the heck#i cant really warm up to half of this part's girlies im sorry#i loved everyone on part one#as someone who also struggles with managing my social energy lvls... this was a slap in the face#bc my boy jeongwoo truly gave it his ALL the whole day and even managed to perform a couple songs for the girls#despite already having spent the whole day together#and his energy must have been SPENT already and then they pick him as MVP of the day and he has that 1:5 date with all of the girls#by himself!! which is so terrifying imagine being the one person who everyone's attention is on and you have to interact with these ppl#that you arent very comfortable with but you still try your best to give them a good time#AND THEN!! they give you NOTHING in return?? not even a recorder?? no jewel no recording nothing. just ignored like that by everyone#and i get that the girls dont know who's voting for who so they might have believed someone else was gonna give him a jewel or sth#but no one gives him anything (positive OR negative)#and yeah. he was absolutely shocked at the empty safe. i would have been too.#and why did they not give him a jewel y'all might ask??? IT WAS BC HE FELL SILENT DURING THE LAST BIT: THE DINNER#my gosh that's the part that i take offense to personally bc it's really really really difficult to always engage in convos with ppl#after spending the whole day with them already?? and your social battery is down so you quietly enjoy a simple meal??#and then all the girlies threw him away like that??#i mean yeah you're surrounded by sweet men who spend the day appealing themselves to you but come on??#i would have been so impressed by jeongwoo and thankful that he put that much effort in and would understand how difficult it is to#maintain it till the very end because not everyone has hyunsuk's boundless social energy#no offense hyunsuk i love you dearly#and also??? what's up with admitting that you lack some confidence upfront??#the girl's reasoning for giving yoshi the voice recorder was that he said he holds himself to a high standard and lacks confidence sometimes#and i get it. being confident is more attractive than someone who's always insecure and puts themselves down#(and makes the other person uncomfortable) but they were having an honest and deep convo when the thing he said in that convo was used#against him in the end? i would feel kind of betrayed too bc being able to admit that you feel insecure sometimes is a v brave thing to do!!
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...
#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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don’t you love it when you just burst into tears in front of someone and basically have an anxiety attack over something that is not even a big deal in the slightest 🙃🙃🙃
#vent tag#I want to crawl into a hole and disappear for a while#with my f/os. obviously.#god. I just. ugh.#…you know… that I’ve started to realize about myself#is that I really dislike it when ppl just. spring on me spontaneous offers for plans to do stuff#without first asking if I had anything going on that I needed to do#or without first asking enough time in advance on days where I was already doing stuff#and I’m not a stickler for having to have strict schedules and plans and shit or anything like that#but I do need *some* time in advance to prepare things. both literally (like getting stuff out and ready) and mentally.#like. I only have so much mental and social energy I can give before I just need to be alone and fucking r e s t.#so someone asking me if I wanna join them for something on the same day we’re already doing stuff without enough time in between activities#for me to recuperate is insanely overwhelming and extremely anxiety inducing#I know it’s not a big deal and I can just say no but. ugh#none of this is probably coherent but fuck it I just need somewhere to vent for the time being
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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Currently battling with some psychological barriers regarding posting my art on here but just know that the piece I'm working on currently is a banger and I am excited to share it w you guys
#ramblings of a lunatic#ofc then there's the fear that ppl wont match your energy w/ their engagement but also#i feel. dumb for caring? bc im a staunch believer that youre under no obligation to like/rb certain things#I'm just paranoid bc all my last few toh art pieces have gone. overlooked? ig??#i shouldn't put so much stock in ppl interacting with my stuff for sure but at this moment in time i don't know how to stop#I'm getting better about making art for myself but i still do want to share some (if not most) of it#ofc then there's also the mental pressure I've invented that bc fandoms tend to wind down after a show ends (boooo!)#that means i have an arbitrary time limit on when i can get all my ideas out and post things#which is DUMB!!!! THAT'S STUPID!!!!! but I'm still struggling to internalize that it's not Real#OUGH. there's a whole lot goin on in my head rn#swamped with school but also I'm really close to finishing all my coursework#the general low level anxiety and concern that goes on in the back of my mind at all times#the fact that despite all the pre-grieving I've done I'm STILL not done being upset abt the owl show ending#I'm fighting low level demons rn but like. there's a few. 3-4 imps#but like i said even if ppl don't like/see the next bit of art i post i think I'll still be proud of it? deep down??? somewhere???????????#i kind of have to be for my own sanity. lmao <3#anyway april 1st is almost over where i am. goodbye april fools hello dread
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as much as i wish i loved dragon age as much as everyone else, so much of what it offers are things that i am just insanely indifferent towards
#i like a Few Things from dragon age but it’s like rly limited#i like da2 but i don’t care enough to put so much thought into it??#i am also. a college student w rigorous coursework and observations and a practicum to complete#so idk i just don’t have the energy or the time to really put my best foot forward on it#same goes for many other things#like idk i don’t need to know all the lore yknow#nor do i care to really immerse myself so heavily into it#i know enough to make a silly character that may or may not break lore rules bc it’s mind numbingly annoying#to try to be such a stickler for it all#like i just! don’t! care!#like i’ve gotten comments abt my interests like ‘did you even watch/play it’ like yeah i did#for … fun.#for fun. i had fun. i have a million other obligations to complete so excuse me if i don’t know this minuscule detail from lore book 829294#about the catholic equivalent church in dragon age#this came off very vent-y which it is but i’m not harping on ppl who do care#i just am not fond of the expectation that everyone on this site has to be a lore expert to post abt it yknow#to some extent
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the career advisor basically summed up and asked me if i wanna be an inventor? which us such a vague term idk what that even entails but yeah it does sound super cool afkldhl
#but i also kinda have like this thing where when sb else asks me if i want smth really enthusiastically.. i will enthusiastically agree#so like i have to think on that sjldhl#it seemed to me like she expected that I really wanna involve my chemistry education in what i do in the future#and idk how much i want that#like i think I'd want that to be a part of it in some way#but why does everyone expect me to like come up with something completely new#maybe it's the image i come up with myself tho#but sometimes i feel like ppl expect so much and i can really gove them so little..#sometimes ppl have a very mystical idea of science as well#new discoveries are mostly luck but also skill#like i did say that since i was young i was interested in the materials that packaging is made of#and i would like to invent a durable biodegradable alternative to plastic and stuff#but man it's really not as easy as you might imagine agpfdnofj#like ppl are STRUGGLING to invent a completely biodegradable plastic#some decay into microplastics instead#and another problem is they'd just dissolve#sometimes i do wonder if it's even worth the effort to try?#the thing is. i just wanna do something that would like let me see results .#every day at work#and research is just so long winded i don't have the mental energy for it?#well this was my daily diary entry
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