#some of the transitions are probably a little off but honestly I'm really proud of it!!

[staring-at-a-blank-pagee]

let's see how far we've come!

-

all images are from official cutscenes and in-game sequences.

[catboybiologist]

Hey it's a life update that probably no one cared about or asked for

tl;dr: I'm likely quitting my PhD via mastering out, and leaving my program in June.

sappy, overly emotional vent/explanation:

I'm wrapping up my first quarter as an out-of-the-closet trans woman. I've had some serious conversations about where me and my work stand. This was always my intention after coming back from my summer hiatus/social transition: see how "reentry" works, and then assess from there.

For those that don't know, PhDs in the US take 5-7 years. Oftentimes, however, they either give you a master's along the way, or give you an option to quit halfway through with a master's. I'm in my 3rd year and have more than enough to use that option. I've toyed with this idea before, but it feels a bit different now. Last year, I was burned out from science, my project was failing, and I was under constant stress of boymoding and remaining in the closet. Now, I'm out and proud, and I deeply love my project and find it exciting. I fixed some things.

Unfortunately, I have a recurrent problem. Whenever something goes wrong in my life, the first thing to drop off is my ability to drive forward my own thesis project in a coherent way. What the actual problems are vary, but that motif stays the same. I could list off what's going on right now, but I think y'all can assume a bit of what a mid-20s, broke, recently transitioned trans woman in the US is going through at the moment. There's a lot of specifics, of course, but I'm not at liberty to say most of it.

So I'm looking around and realizing I have scraps of half finished projects, I've given support and help for other people's projects.... and then made little progress on my actual thesis. It's enough to pull together into a master's thesis, and maybe even another paper or two, but.... not a PhD.

And then there's the other side of it. The nicer reasons. Could I stay here, buckle down, maybe add years to my degree, and get through it? Probably. But honestly? I don't really want to put myself through that now. It used to be that academics was all I had. It was all my failures and all my successes. It's what I threw myself at, because I genuinely had nothing else going on. Since transitioning, the world seems so much more beautiful and rich, so much more complex and vast, with so much more to do in it. I've even had more negative experiences unrelated to academia, and while they've sucked, they've shown me that life is so much bigger than it was before.

To be blunt, to experience more of my life... it helps to have money, and it helps to have career stability. It's not the only factor by far, but certainly one defining moment when making this decision was trying to create a timeline and budget for transition related surgeries, and realizing that its near impossible in grad school.

Not to be dramatic, but I've also had a couple extremely jarring experiences in the past year that are reminded me that life is short. And I want at least some time to enjoy it.

My heart is honestly broken here, and I'm feeling extremely emotional about this. I love my lab, my colleagues, the environment of doing research, and my project. But I'm realizing that it might not be viable, or what makes me the happiest at the moment. I'm genuinely a bit distraught, and I've been crying a lot for the past few days. A lot of me feels like this is what I am, and this is what I'm good for. That I'm failing myself and every mentor that got me here. Some part of me knows that isn't true, some part of me can't let go of those feelings.

But, I know this doesn't mean "never". So many of the people in my program are significantly older than me, coming back later in life to get their degrees. I'm honestly almost positive that I'll come back to a PhD someday if I quit now. In my 30s or beyond, I think that I'll be able equipped to handle it much better.

So what's next?

Obviously, nothing is decided, and I'm just spitballing here. But I'm honestly shocked at how many viable options I have, in a very good way. A cursory scroll of Indeed was honestly therapeutic. As I said, I still love the academic research environment. I just need more money and stability, and would prefer to have a slightly different relationship to the work I do than a thesis project. Ideally, I would want to be a staff researcher in an institute or academic lab. That lets me keep a lot of the things I like about what I do now, while also making literally 2-3 times the money and having a more stable position.There's positions out there that maximize the contexts I'm the strongest and happiest with, while still being more steady and paying more. Hell, even if my responsibilities were identical, but I had more pay, I could probably more effectively address the personal problems I'm going through right now. I'm gonna stay in California for a lot of reasons, and I'm lucky that there's so many options within the state.

I have a bit of an oddball set of experience. I'll actually have two nonoverlapping master's if I do this. I already have a MS in bioinformatics, which was granted by a CS department. But my current program is in more "pure" molecular and cell biology. I'll have 5 years of grad school, 8.5 years of research experience if I include undergrad research, and instead of a PhD, 2 MSs. Which is kinda funny. But it think it helps represent my experience for what it is. I like to consider myself a "full stack" bioinformaticist- someone who can do both the experimental and analysis portions of experiments that produce large data. Hopefully I'll be able to put that to good use.

I have a lot of professional contacts that I'll slowly be reaching out to over the course of the next 6 months while I tie things up. I know this is a wildshot on tumblr of all places, but if anyone has any recommendations, advice, or contacts, I'm all ears- both for professional and job hunt related things, and also the emotional state I'm in right now.

Thank you to everyone that's made up this wonderful community we have online. I hope I'm not letting anyone down. I'll still be a biologist, I'll still be my trans self. I just won't be "Doctor" anytime soon.

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #13

A New Dev-elopment

Aw, this is cute:

He's got LITTLE boots... That's genuinely hilarious. Even the littlest Dimmadome is up to dress code.

Ooh, map! I'll be seeing you later. No labels, sadly, but there's a river in the west that curls around the south. Wait, that river's ugly. why is it square.

"Dev is so mean! I wish I knew why he acted like that." -> Uh-oh...

Oh, please tell me we're finally getting blatant child trauma. Also, that's super funny Hazel wasn't going to be teamed with Dev until she was paired because of her wish. I love that way more than her teacher actually pairing them randomly.

Founder's Day?? /war flashbacks to Alden Bitterroot

... Wait, is Dale Dimm an ancestor of the Dimmadomes? Huh.

Nerd.

Oh, NERD??

He's cute, I'm enjoying him more after the last few episodes. Look at the teeth in his chunky little boots.

Hm. A tall place, I wonder if that's the Dimmadome tower building? (Dev's house, I think).

-> It was not, but Dev knew the place and it did have a connection to his dad. I like the implication Dev used to play there. And he's getting more engaged! Good boy. I'm glad this is a slow transition towards Hazel learning things about him and it wasn't a literal flashback episode. This is fun.

skldfj, all the locations are themed around Dev's family because they run everything around here.

SLDKJFSDF, he looks SO MUCH like his dad without his shades. That's great.

I'm once again enjoying that we got a Dimmadome bully instead of a Buxaplenty bully. It's nice to explore another of the big families in the longstanding lore. Of our main families, this was probably the one we went into least.

... If the Buxaplentys run the trains in Dimmsdale (and have since jobs were assigned in the early days), they probably also have a connection here. I wonder if Remy and Dale ever became friends.

Aw, he's keeping the shades off for now. That's sweet. He's having fun!

... Why do I get the feeling we're gonna get hit with him doing a 180 because he trusts no one and decides he'd rather blow up every chance of friendship?

Oh, THAT'S not the microexpression you want a kid to make when he sees his dad. Finally, some good, sweet child trauma in this show... I missed this so much. We're finally getting The Vibes...

His full name's Devin! Or Devon; I'm not sure. I'm glad to know. Also, I'm glad he has a Prime Meridian poster in his room just like Hazel. Ooh, and Crimson Chin! And Dancing Tarantula. That one surprises me. Is it a series or movie in some way?

"Whether new or old, when you have this, you have gold." - The answer to this clue is gonna be friendship, isn't it? I'm not opposed.

Hazel is showing absolutely 0 qualms about breaking into the school and honestly... Chloe would be proud. They would totally be friends.

-> I'm cracking up at Dev quietly opening all the doors while Hazel's trying to tell a dramatic story. She's all about emotions and fun and his default setting is "straightforward response."

Actually, they really do give me Timmy and Chloe vibes. Timmy's schoolmates used to tease him for talking to inanimate objects and I wonder if they also saw him as a grump like Dev, both dealing with difficult home lives.

Aww, Dev is playing along! He's pretending there are lasers so Hazel enjoys sneaking into the school despite him just pushing open all the unlocked doors. That's really cute.

Aw, criminalizing evidence of you being goofballs! That's adorable.

... and the printed versions are in 2D, of course!

I like this one:

It speaks to me.

Y'know, I wasn't expecting to like them as a ship, but I can absolutely see it now. Even if Dev goes back to being grumpy in future episodes, Hazel's seen a side of him that's going to change her way of thinking about him forever. I like that.

Like, at any point from this episode out, if Hazel is portrayed as being fond towards him, I'll be okay with it because they were clearly having a lot of fun playing together, and Dev's brought down his walls enough that he explained why he was having a hard time and he apologized for hurting her feelings.

He very clearly regrets snapping at her and saying he doesn't want to be friends, or at least he regrets it when he sees her storm off:

And he apologizes!! Good boy! ... Yes, he showed up and snapped at her again, but... He got there! ...... He is strugglin'! Big yikes.

I like this a lot more than the ship vibes I'd been worried for, which I'd assumed would be Hazel insisting there's good in him and "she can change him," or "He just needs a friend and then he'll be nice." I like this slower development.

Hazel gives me many Chloe vibes (in a good way), but she has her own unique twist on them. Chloe's whole thing was that she denied things that upset her, including the abuse she faced at home from her "perfect and amazing parents" because thinking about herself or her parents as less than perfect kept sending her into a dissociative spiral that would last for an hour before Timmy got her out of it.

Chloe would try to befriend everyone because she thought there was good in them... although her feelings for Kevin were hilarious ("He's a touch off-putting... in a really off-putting way").

When Kevin turned on Chloe, she yelled at him about how she thought she'd seen good in him, but that "he was really just a miserable piece of Crocker," and she was totally down to fight him with a sword.

Like... Yeah, of course Kevin jumps out her window without responding. She's scary! :(

The face of a girl who will later steal Kevin's hall monitor uniform while he's unconscious and won't feel even slightly bad because "he doesn't deserve it." She's a mess. I love her so much.

Chloe's always funny to me because she denies and excuses a lot of things, but there are a few people who can boil her blood and she loses it every time. Later in the season, she accidentally gives three children fairy godparents after screaming at them and dropping them to miserable. Chloe... Breathe.

But Hazel is not so hot-button. Which is fun, and I really like this- I'm glad Hazel isn't following the same pattern of personality (Always a concern of mine for a franchise that already has few girls, many of whom are love interests).

Hazel's got a different angle, in that she's been annoyed at Dev and glaring at him this entire series up until now, including this episode, and she (seemingly) didn't even intend to make her "I wish I knew why he acted that way" wish, because... she was just griping. lol. She hated him so much this entire show, only bending briefly when she found out they love the same book series (and when she suggested they order lactose-free pizza for him since he can't have any), and I respect that.

-> She paid so little attention to him that she forgot Dale Dimmadome was his dad. That's hilarious- It's the one thing the audience had on him and she saw him on TV and went "... I don't know who that is. Why is he wearing ridiculous boots?" That's so funny. Big "Lex Luther waking up in Flash's body and checking his secret identity in the mirror" vibes, except it's Hazel squinting at the TV trying to figure out why some guy with weird boots is on the news.

She's willing to pal around with Dev when they're out, after he shows he's good at puzzles, even before she gets that hint about his daddy issues. I like that too. Hazel's struggling with missing her brother who was her best friend - her entire world, down to wearing his hand-me-downs - and probably has a much better understanding of separation and loneliness than she would have if Antony hadn't gone to college yet.

Also, Dale calls her a mean name in this scene, so... she gets it. She can tell that guy's bad news and making his son sad.

She enjoys Dev's company. They were goofing around and having a great time as friends even before Dev's daddy issues reveal was in the picture for her. I enjoy that. I take no issue with them growing up to be either platonic friends or romantic, under the assumption that they maintain patience with each other and don't put their walls back up.

I suspect Dev might regress because he's the big rival, so I Do Not Trust that he won't become snappy again, and Hazel is completely justified in being annoyed if that happens, but I could also see her being more patient with him going forward, and that wouldn't bother me. He's fun, chill, and energetic when he's not wrapped in his self-defense mechanism of pretending not to care, so I can see her enjoying his company a lot. I like this.

I guess what I think of it is... I was worried about where this was going, and it went way better than I'd guessed. My thought process was "I cannot blame a kids' show for wanting to show that everyone's going through hard times and you should try to be nice to bullies so they're maybe nice to you, but you also have to be careful not to tip so far in that direction that you're subtly telling kids to ignore if they're being abused."

And it didn't go that way! As far as I can tell, which makes me happy. Even when he ran after her to apologize a few minutes later, she was terse with him until he really did apologize (because he showed up and was still being mean at first). She also communicated, expressing that he hurt her feelings.

I'm glad she's good at communicating her feelings and makes an effort to do so. It makes a lot of sense since she has a therapist for a mother, and we saw her parents calm her down in Episode 1 when she was getting heated. It's nice to see someone having a good home life and some healthy skills.

I really like how:

- Hazel didn't try to change him or deny any of the rudeness he'd expressed towards her. She starts this episode still annoyed at him. - Hazel didn't make Dev feel bad when he started expressing himself more. When he struggled with the idea of a high-five and pulled back his hand, she didn't pressure him. She let him go at his own pace and he high-fives her later on. - After his dad told him it was dumb to care about a treasure hunt to win water park tickets when Dimmadomes can just buy the park, she followed him to his room and gently changed the conversation back to what they were doing, not forcing him to talk about it (and not snooping or wishing). - The instant he's snappy with her, she walks out. She GONE. When he shows up, she keeps on guard and explains that he hurt her feelings. He apologizes and only then does she forgive him- she wasn't trying to excuse him, even though she'd literally just witnessed the reason for his mood change. -> I kind of like that. Hazel's out here like "Dev, listen. Your life is hard and I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be your friend if you're going to treat me badly." This girl knows what's up. - Even though she desperately wanted to crawl through the air vents and rappel into the principal's office, she listens to Dev's suggestions when he opens all the doors. lol.

They're sweet. I enjoy this status quo shift. I didn't really care for Dev because he was definitely putting off prickly vibes, but I like him a lot more now.

This child's dad was kidnapped and forced to make lemonade underground for 7 years- I totally get why he's hesitant to trust, and the fact that his dad makes him feel like his interests are stupid is rough. I get it, buddy.

Oh, them:

I have to assume that's his Mediocre waist pack from "Weird Science" wrapped around him and that's great. That's a nice detail since in most episodes, he's not wearing it because he's already arrived at school and put it away for class, but in this one, he just walked through the door so he's still wearing it like Hazel has her backpack.

-> He really said " :( "

Dev "Totally down to commit B&E" Dimmadome: why do authority figures not like me?

I really like how Dev is so comfortable with Hazel and/or the idea that he's capable of making friends that he's totally ready to take his shades off the first day back at school. You get this sense that he WANTS to have friends... he's just having a hard time finding someone he trusts, presumably because he keeps his walls up so it's hard for others to get close to him. Hazel's meeting that need, so he's willing to relax.

He doesn't care if anyone else in class will react in surprise to seeing him without shades. He doesn't care if this changes his reputation with the entire school. Like, that doesn't seem to bother him even slightly.

-> Dev, I have good news for you! You can make MORE friends if you continue being friendly!!

-> Man went "I've only had Hazel for 1 weekend and if anything happened to her, I would terrorize everyone in this room and then myself."

I feel like since she's his only known support right now, this can easily swing into a clingy extreme (and I feel like he might have a hard time taking critique from Hazel), but... Step in the right direction.

-> And she's good at communicating. I think he can learn social skills and healthy relationships from her. I want him to meet her parents so he can see their relationship too.

/whispers loudly - I want to see his mom and grandpa. Are they around? Does he have siblings or other relatives? I have to assume he's an only child, but... hm. I'd like to know more about his relationships with other family members, because if Hazel is legitimately his sole support right now... uh-oh.

Also, I enjoy how often Dev keeps casually walking around with his hands in his hoodie pockets. Why even give a character a hoodie if you're not going to pocket their hands? That's cute.

I think it's funny that when he's wearing his shades, he has this "cool/grumpy" aesthetic when his hands are in his pockets, but when they're off, he still keeps his hands in his pockets and he's just... chillin'.

Dev would call you at 2 AM from a Denny's 2 hang. idk why, but that's the energy he gives me. Man doesn't know social norms, but he's always ready to drop everything and hang out.

Dev is the rich guy who way overpays and is confused when told that's too much, except that's him with how he'll be treating Hazel in the future, I think. What do you mean regular people don't fly around the city on a helicopter. What are you talking about.

The waterpark was shut down? ... Why do I suspect Dale was behind this, and Dev's gonna be TICKED.

That was a great episode! I like where this is going; we're getting into the old FOP swing with the underlying abuse themes and that makes me happy. Someone please give that kid a fairy. I wish I knew if the misery rules were still in play in this show.

Cookie's Court

This opening scene is cute. Neat that the punch card came back, as weird as it is, and it's nice to see Hazel relaxing and making goofy wishes.

Cookie's back! She's interesting; I'd like to learn more about her. Does her ferret scarf thing have a name?

Okay, so... Hazel does know she'd lose her fairies if they revealed their magic. We never had the rules explained in this show, which feels weird, but okay.

-> I'm so confused about what is and isn't still a rule. I guess I should assume they're all still in play? But... /gestures with confusion at miserable godkids lore. Did they have to cut that part to keep Dale's backstory, because that seems like a weird choice. Why didn't he get a fairy? It's not like rich kids don't get fairies; Remy had one.

-> I'm not opposed to it taking a while (F in the chat for Timmy having to go through Vicky's torments solo for a year before Cosmo and Wanda came into his life), and Jorgen already snapped at Cosmo and Wanda for jumping on Hazel when another fairy was already working through the hoops to get her, but... my inability to figure out if the misery rule still exists is really throwing off my sense of lore.

I like Whispers Fred's little microphone on his shirt, next to his big microphone and his headset microphone. He has 3... Help him.

Fairy Court!! ... Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Jorgen? You shouldn't be on the stand. AAHHHHH Fairy World's flag is the Rainbow Bridge stripes! I love that. That's way better than the blue one with the star they had in "Oddlympics." I wish I would've thought of that.

AAHHHHH! The court symbol survived! It was in court in the OG series too. Only in "A Wish Too Far" though, I think, since the Fairy Council had a different symbol in "Secret Wish." I remember drawing at least one of these. Lemme see.

Yeah!! This is exciting. I used to draw it on stuff, like the wax seal I use on my Class Overview post for Fairies! I love this.

^ Season 2 vs Season 8. Also, WOW... you cannot get a good picture of it in "A Wish Too Far," so kudos to the art team for taking the time to include it anyway.

In the OG show, the Anti-Fairies have something similar hanging in Anti-Cosmo's castle (although I'm not 100% sure it's got a moon).

I think in one of the live actions, Jorgen takes over as the Green Robe on the Fairy Council (I think in "Fairly Odd Summer"). I wonder if that's why he's acting judge here. I guess it doesn't matter; I'm not that concerned about it since I don't consider that canon anyway.

WHAT! You rip 10-year-old Denzel Crocker's fairies away when Timmy accidentally reveals he has fairies, but you let this slide? Jorgen...

Oh, never mind........ He's not.

Furry!! He's testifying! What a cool ferret.... omg, Cookie's in jail for 10k years. SLKDFJSLDFJ, she has a jail skeleton just like when Cosmo and Wanda went to jail in the musical.

Also, I can't be that shocked at her punishment. Revealing magic on accident is one of the biggest offenses in Fairy World because it endangers their society, so trying to do it on purpose looks really bad.

-> I wonder if Crocker still has his memories since Jorgen stopped erasing them after Season 7. I feel like we'll probably get a Crocker cameo, but that feels like a piece of lore that wouldn't carry over. Hmm...

Fairy World Prison... I gotta look this up.

Okay, it's not "Gland Plan" like I thought, and it's definitely not Abracatraz. Is it "When Nerds Collide" (Jimmy-Timmy Power Hour 2?)

IT IS! What a glow-up! That's fantastic. I love that... They even have all the clouds the same colors. This is gorgeous. Those chains overlap the same way. Wow... That's seriously impressive how we keep seeing these subtle callbacks. I love it <3

Wrapping it up here for today! Thanks for joining me on another liveblog.

[imstillhere-butallislost]

1 Year On Testosterone, Androgel Timeline Update

June 10th marks my 1 year on testosterone, and although this post is probably posted after that date, I thought i'd make a big 1 year update on my timeline on (low dose) androgel. Here you'll find my thoughts on using gel instead of shots, my current and future transition plans ,thoughts on still not passing one year on T, and my full timeline of changes. I imagine this will be a very long post, so buckle up. Feel free to ask or DM me any questions

My starting dose in June of 2022 was 1 pump of 1% androgel daily, which has 12.5mg of testosterone. In December of 2022 my dose was upped to 2 pumps of the same gel, so 25mg of testosterone applied daily. The gel has the same consistency as hand sinitizer and dries within 20 or so seconds when applied. The gel has risk of transferring to other people or harming pets, especially within that first hour of applying. If you go on gel, be careful about tranfering it to people who might not want extra testosterone in their system. That being said, one year on androgel, and I have had no issues with tranfering the gel to other people or harming my 2 cats and dog. I started off applying the gel to my left upper arm and shoulder, but occasionally switched to my right arm and shoulder, but recently have been applying the gel to my abdomen

Now onto the timeline part

The immediate and most impactful effect was the change testosterone had on my mood. I struggled with depression for all of my life, and suddenly that was just gone.
One year on T, and I am happy (as well as EXTREMELY surprised) to say that I don't have depression anymore. I have a lot more energy, I'm rarely sad these days, let alone depressed. This won't be the case for everone, but it was the case for me. 4 days on testosterone I was flexing as I passed mirrors, not proud of that

one. I also noticed that my general body temperature went up, I have bad circulation so my hands used to always be cold, and that has lessened. Also within the first

month, I noticed increased hair growth. Stomach hair, and also hair where I applied the gel on my arm. Just a little bit more, but noticable. My labido went up a lot, like it was insane. I was able to gain muscle mass easier. I started growing hair on my thighs, which I never had before. I also noticed a small amount of facial hair growth.

Not many more changes happened until my dose was upped in December, because I was started on a really, low dose and still am on a fairly low dose. after getting my dose upped to 2 pumps of gel, I did start actually noticing bottom growth, but looking back i'm sure I did have some amount of bottom growth before December, but it definitely got more noticable when the dose was upped. Around mid February, my voice had some drastic changes. The median of my voice used to be 190-200hz, and now it's 130-140hz. Technically in the "male range", but I still don't think my voice passes, maybe it's androgynous. The voice drop was rather sudden, although not extremely drastic. I had to sort of learn how to speak properly again without my voice cracking, not being used to the new range. Before my voice even got lower, I knew it was going to drop soon because I noticed it just couldnt go higher like it used too. My voice drop started with losing the higher range rather then going lower. I've noticed that my body fat has I think begun to redistribute, I hold a lot of fat in my stomach rather then hips. I never dealt with much acne on my face, but my back around the left shoulder where I first applied my testosterone has a lot of acne. Hair growth has continued, which honestly has been one of my favourite things. I never thought i'd have such a strong attachment to stomach hair. I still have my period, which absolutely sucks.

Thoughts On Not Passing One Year On T

I'm still not where I want to be one year on T, and that is a little bit hard on me. I'm not saying I regret it, because testosterone is the best thing that has ever happened for me, but it's a special kind of hurt seeing other people with the same timeline that i'm on that pass while I still don't. which is exactly why I think I wanted to add this part in here. I still don't pass as male, while being one year on T. I think maybe starting T made me feel more present in my body, which is good, but also led me to have to really face all of the dysphoria and issues I have with myself. I used to be able to ignore it by dissociating, without even realizing that that's what I was doing. Being misgendered has just begun to hurt more, because now it feels like a failure on my part (or my bodys part) because I can get angry, asking myself why after a year on tesosterone I still am not passing. It leaves me afraid, I think. Maybe I always testosterone was THE thing I needed and then i'd pass consistently after just a couple of months, but that just didn't happen for me. I assumed that it would just be easy. I think that has to do a lot with the culture when I came out. People didn't share timelines if they were unhappy or non passing, or if they did they were laughed off the internet. This is because I started questioning my gender around 2016, and came out in early 2018, where "SJW TRANS CRINGE COMPILATION" was like... the norm on YouTube.

People shared a lot less of their struggles in fear of being lumped into that and being harassed, or they just felt like maybe during those times the passing trans people should take the stage because it was easier for cis people to digest and understand. I don't blame anyone for not sharing the hard parts of their medical transition, because this is very personal stuff and people will question you if you say youre not 1000% happy to be where you are, but i'm glad that I see more people talking about not being satisfied with how their transition is going, and how they still don't pass X amount of time into being on testosterone. It's nice to see posts and videos and timeline updates like that. These things take different amount of times for different people, and that's alright.

It's hard, but I'm alright with it. The fact that I am where I am at all is something i never thought i'd get to at all. I'm proud to be where I am, when I think about it.

Testosterone has helped me greatly. I'm a happy person now, happiest i've ever been, and I see a future for myself now. A very happy one. Without even passing, testosterone has helped me so much. Just internally. I don't know how much of my happiness comes from just having consistent hormone levels everyday, or if my depression was just all a manifestation of background dysphoria that is being directly treated by hormone therapy now.

On Gel Vs. Shots and Dosage

I'm not really sure what made me decide to take gel rather than the shots, but I was adment on gel. I don't know how I feel about that decision in the long run.

For cons about the gel, it's expensive.

Around $200CAD every 2 months. It's really hard without insurance. I don't think my changes have been slow because of gel,

just because of my low dose. It's hard to contact my endo, and they even sent bloodwork paper to the wrong location, so generally it's been a bit hard to get my dose upped. I also started T as a minor (17) so that is specifically why I was kept on a low dose to start with. I'm assuming that now that i'm an adult, it will be easier to get my dosage upped. Being on the gel I also kind of feel, not left out, but not really a part of the classic transmasc doing their T shot experience, which I did always assume i'd do when I was 12-13 and I first came out because I didn't know gel was an option. These days, there's more talk of gel and patches, which I think is definitely good for people exploring their testosterone options.

For pros of gel, consistant hormone levels daily is very very good for me I find. There's no big spikes and low lows like there would be with weekly or biweekly shots, it's just daily consistent levels. I can feel kind of bad if I miss a day of gel, which i'm unsure if that is caused by me mentally knowing that I don't have testosterone for that day. or if that's actually just due to not having the regular hormones that I get daily. This is one of the reasons Why i'm unsure about switching to shots despite the expense of the gel. I don't think I would do good at all with such major fluctuations to my hormone levels, and it's not something I really want to play around with in fear of my mental health declining again with big hormone fluctuations like that. I also like the little daily routine of putting on gel everyday, it fits into my routine well and I feel i'm more likely to remember a daily routine rather then weekly or biweekly

I think often about maybe switching to shots, but I just don't know if the increased risk to my mental health with big hormone fluctiations is at all worth it.

I'm hoping to ask my endo about 1.62% gel and if its available in my area, because it has a higher concentration of testosterone and one pump would nearly be my current dose of 2 pumps of 1% gel, so id need to refill it the same amount of time for a bigger dose, instead of doing 3 pumps of the 1% gel, which I would need to refill more frequently which would cost more money more often.

Uncertainty of Medical Transition

This may be a shock considering i've been talking about how much medical transition has helped me, but I want sure if I even wanted to go on testosterone at all at one point. I've been out for from ages 12-18, and flip flopped on what I wanted many times. I knew I wanted to be on testosterone when I first came out, but that waned with time. I think after being out for so long without medical internevntion, the idea seemed so far away, I sort of let myself believe that it would never be able to happen. I let myself believe that maybe I didn't want to medically transition, becuase it was easier then addressing the fact that it would take a lot of time and it would be a hard process that I didnt know how to start it. It was a hard, confusing process to get hRT as a minor. There want just a quick guide for my area that I could find, if there was one at all it was in the depths of a website that hadnt been updated in a decade and was hard to traverse. I was at the appointment to get my perscription, uncertain about it. I took the step anyway, holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe I could actually have that life I dreamed of as a child

It turns out that going on testosterone was the best decision i've ever made. I'm glad, and i'm very lucky, that I stepped into the unknown.

The Future of My Transition

I'm largely happy, hoping that my testosterone dose gets upped again soon. I'm hoping to actually start passing with an upped dose, too.

I'm in the process for top surgery, which is another thing I thought could NEVER happen to me. So far out of reach, for more fortunate people, but this month i'm going to be sending all my forms in to see if my top surgery can get covered. I could have top surgery within the year. I have never been more happy in my entire life.

I think that's really all, My life is going good. I'm generally happy with my medical transition, despite not being exactly at the point where I want to be, but every single day gets a little bit easier for me. Feel free to look back on some of my other update posts, which i'm sure go more in depth, and of course ask me any questions. I'm happy to share, I know timelines on gel are a little bit harder to find.

If anybody is reading this who is considering testosterone, debating gel, or early on testosterone and trying to map out what their future will look like, I want to say hi hi hi hello. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out. You can not medically transition ever. or do it later in your life, or go on testosterone and then go off if you decide it isn't right for you. I genuinely believe that everything will all work out. Take your time, enjoy your life, there is community out there for you.

[gyuphorias]

babe you’re literally so good at writing dialogue like i have to praise you for it every time, especially in your longer works. every conversation just runs smoothly and is really memorable ?? like even in deans list and laundry day—some of the most memorable parts (besides the smut ofc) is the dialogue and how the conversations just flow smoothly and feel natural. like idk how to describe it but i can feel the words?? it sounds odd but you know how when something really speaks to you or whatever that it sends little shocks throughout your body? that’s what i get when i read your writing !!!!

i’ve always been nervous about writing dialogue, never felt any good at it. description just felt better to me because there’s so much to describe: from the atmosphere to the way a person looks or feels about something in relation to the piece, etc. and you’re just so good at both ??? like it’s so inspiring and honestly makes me want to try and improve my dialogue skills which is something i see as a weakness in my writing.

anyways, this is just me once again telling you how good of a writer you are—from short little one off thoughts to large bodies of work. very sagittarian (literally probably not a word) of you, if i do say so myself.

i think i'll die some day thinking about this message actually! i know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling the words and getting shivers, and the fact that you get that with my writing? i might just seriously burst into tears right now!

in all honesty, i really do not mean to keep bringing up how long i've been writing fanfiction, but it's kind of hard not to because it's so integral to explaining why and how i write the way that i do. i'm 21 now, i started writing fanfic when i was 9 or 10. i mean, fanfic has been a big part of me for literally over half of my life at this point. i remember writing really shitty fanfic about the hunger games and harry potter that nobody ever read except for me and being so proud of it because i'd worked so hard on it.

so when i transitioned into writing on tumblr at 13 years old (my account from back then is still on this hellsite bc i never got rid of it oh my god end me), i started taking it pretty seriously as a hobby. i wanted my writing to be good. i wanted people to enjoy reading it the way i enjoyed writing it. i mean, i worked so fucking hard at trying to make my dialogue and description skills good. i was putting out a fic literally every single day of the week just because i wanted to practice that badly.

and i'm definitely really proud of where my skills are at now. i go back to read things i wrote almost 10 years ago and sure, i cringe a little, but i have to remind myself that i was learning and crafting a skill that people work so hard to be good at. but i'm also still learning and trying new writing styles and all kinds of stuff. i have things that i want to get better at and i'll have some growing pains trying to get better at those things, but ultimately, it's always going to be worth it.

anyways, this is me telling you that i'm seriously so glad that i found you, decided to become an anon, and then promptly made my own blog to post fic on. you singlehandedly inspired me to start writing and gave me so much confidence when it came to my ability to write smut. i really think i get better at writing every day because of you and so many of our other friends. ilysm dreamie i'm going to reread this ask for the rest of my life <3<3

[mc-critical]

One of my most favourite confrontations between Mahidevran and Hürrem in the series is the one after Mahidevran sent Olga to Süleiman in episode 61. It's both fun, yet filled with meaningful character dialogue, managing to successfully deliver a thematic message that eventually finds its retroactive way, despite of it all seeming like a yet another smackdown fest by Hürrem at first.

The scene begins with their typical confrontational energy, the rivalry chemistry immediately paves its way forward. Hürrem is ready to face her for what she did and Mahidevran, while not being interested at first, goes with her flow regardless, setting the mood for what follows.

Hürrem: You've sent a concubine to his majesty.

Mahidevran: I'm replacing Valide. Pleasing his majesty is one of my duties.

Hürrem: Let God not give you other worries. Do you want to cover the lack of your femininity this way?

Mahidevran seems very engrained in her role as the head of the harem and connects it with her own desire to take revenge for her wounded pride and for all the pain they caused her. The first excuse she finds for sending Olga to SS refered to the rules and tradition that give her that right, but we know by context that there's something else going on, this was both a move driven by her vendetta and a provoked move - she decided to do this after Hü told her she's the one ruling the privy chamber and perhaps Mahidevran accepted it as a challenge to her power, because, honestly, I doubt she would've attempted such a thing if she weren't provoked like this. Hürrem, on the other hand, gives her own "interpretation" as to why Mahidevran took action. To be blunt, it sits wrong with me right from the start, because it demonstrates a huge amount of internalized mysoginy on full display and it's sad, in a way, that this is what the system encourages at the moment - you're nothing if you sleep alone in your bed, if you don't have the sultan's back. There's a glimmer of possibility Hürrem said it only to render Mahidevran vulnerable and one could understand where she comes from, since she has experienced quite a lot of similar offenses from that same person. And when a confrontation of the like occurs, her first instinct is to think of a comeback, to pull rank and highlight why she's better than her like she does in all their encounters in this batch of episodes. That hardly excuses or whitewashes this statement, though, because for a person who has been shown to fight the system and call out prejudice (even though it was mostly only she was subjected to it or it was about something that concerned her specifically), seeing that she had absorbed some of it and applies it without a second thought leaves a sour taste for me.

Mahidevran: Worry about your own problems, Hürrem. Did you really think his majesty couldn't be with other women?

Hürrem: This is impossible.

Two major beliefs of Mahidevran and Hürrem's characters come on the surface: they drive the dialogue and help the rest of the scene unfold the way it did. Mahidevran brushes off Hürrem's last statement and brings back tradition to the forefront, which begins to highlight a belief of hers that she shared with Valide, that there is a constant cycle in the harem that no one, not even Hürrem, is capable to entirely break. To Hürrem it's impossible for SS to ever have other women at this point, it's something unthinkable for her already. She feels she has fully broken that cycle.

This scene, unlike the confrontation in episode 58, has well done retroactive irony while serving the context of the episode it's in in a plausible enough way that doesn't seem showed in just for the sake of it. The context of the episode puts Hürrem in the right by showing Olga returning from SS's chambers almost immediately after Hürrem says: "This is impossible." and it's the place where this plot-line transitions to another one, leaving the rest of the confrontation to hang in the balance for a while. Maybe SS had truly given up taking other women ever since the wedding, as shown by this and SS refusing another concubine sent by Valide in the wedding episode.

However, we know that this stops being the case later on and whether it's through the decision to bring in yet another drama tool, yet another annoying stretched narrative opposition in the face of the concubine arcs, it's a fact and we could say that this scene ends up being a good enough framework to set us up for it, intentionally or not.

Mahidevran: Then why is there a concubine in his chamber?

Hürrem: What concubine? Maybe that one?

This, to me, is a demonstration of how the tables can turn in the harem at literally any moment. Meryem Uzerli's little amazing, subtle facial expression says it all. When Mahidevran asks the question, we see for a very split second that Hürrem's wondering how to refute her until the concubine appears in the heat of the argument due to sheer luck. Like, if she had already returned to her rooms before the scene occurred, it would've gone much differently! This isn't all that important here, but I love how Meryem showed a slight probability for Hürrem to lose the argument, which contrasts with all her confident remarks before and after this moment. It's just very neat stuff.

Hürrem: Many girls were introduced to his majesty. Among them, there was even a princess. Where are they now? Look around you. You will not see anyone but me.

Speaking of confident remarks, there comes another one of Hürrem's that no matter how many concubines came, they all went and now there is no one other than her. This line further sets a consistent trend of ambiguity, because she's right in the context of the episode and it encapsulates the resolution of these particular plot-lines of Hürrem and Süleiman in the season and we can get behind her words overall both in the arc and in rewatch, in spite of the retroactive irony, but she's wrong in that it's the end of her harem fights, very far from it, as season 3 and season 4 prove. She hasn't completely won yet, even though she sets the impression that she has.

What I also find interesting in this scene is the back and forth throwing of past - present - future between the two sides. They make a perfect showcase of what these characters represent, their states, their losses, their desires, their hopes, dreams and philosophies. Here, in example, Hürrem makes a reference to a part of her obstacles in the past, acknowledging that they were there regardless, but then she immediately goes back to the present with "Where are they now?". Nowhere in the scene she considered the possibilities of the future, the sheer probability that it all may change one day (as it happened, in many ways, through Firuze), focusing on the currently undeniable truth the present day presents.

That same throwing back and forth continues, but with another note which instantly places the two women against each other again:

Mahidevran: I was also loved once, Hürrem. Mustafa is the fruit of that love. Ask Gülfem Hatun if you want. She will tell you how much she suffered because of me.

Hürrem: You always tell this story.

Unlike Hürrem, who only references the past, Mahidevran laments it and takes pride in it, it being the highlight of her once beautiful life. But we know what went down afterwards, adding in the possibility that maybe, it would all be temporary and what one may have now, may change, because Mahidevran was also in Hürrem's position once. Hürrem however, calls out her fixation on the past, in a similar fashion to how she has done it before (E59: "Are you being proud of your past now? Let me remind you: You're still a slave."), what she had doesn't matter, it's the now that is important to Hürrem, which is a solid thematic note to her character arc.

Though, we have this line of dialogue in response:

We here notice that no matter how long it took for them to do it, Mahidevran and Hürrem actually had parallel arcs, in terms of letting go of the past. This line makes for such a striking revelation of Mahidevran's emotional state from her perspective that only continued what episode 46 hinted at and episode 55 directly started. (E55: "I ripped out the love I had of your father of my heart, I threw it into the sea! He doesn't matter to me anymore. Now you are the only one in my heart.") It's rather surprising that she says these words now - Mahidevran's rule of the harem is arguably her at her worst, doing what she does out of the last ounces of her wanting payback for the sad, bitter years. It's precisely what she lost that motivated her, that was a sure part of the reason she sent Olga to SS and yet, we have that honest confession, that grasp of acceptance. Mahidevran's battle with SS was lost very early on and it took her very slow and gradual development for her to accept it and by E61, she was doing the last steps to do so. She tries hard to convince Hürrem that no matter how hard she tries, there is a cycle in this harem that cannot be changed, Mahidevran has come to terms with it, so Hürrem has to do the same. In a way, she was probably trying to say that they both have been fighting a losing battle and she expresses a small amount of sympathy over it, too - she knows what it's like and it's hard, but it's like some unwritten law that it's not worth it in the end and that everyone gets affected by it, without exception. That's how she begins to look upon her present and show a hint of the future.

Out of the particular context, this line could be a very nice stronger endorsement of the franchise's themes, because, truly, no one ever got a good, triumphant, heroic ending. And it was like a cycle: everyone had to face the feelings of sorrow, grief and loss, everyone had to suffer in this time period, everyone dies. Gülfem called Hürrem's life a fairy tale in E134, but that "fairy tale" came to an end after her death. And if we leave that aside, there is hardly a breather episode even for the biggest of victories, no matter how many victories you've won, they would always "have their end", the narrative would always condemn them one way or another.

Mahidevran: One day a woman will appear and would destroy your indestructible love!

The future is finally put on the front with the scene overall and with Mahidevran herself. It's a continuation of her belief that Hürrem would be "detroned", regardless of all. Thing is, she also doesn't consider her own future, only the one of her rival's. She believes in her own victory that is opposed in the present, but would surely come in the future, a belief she holds until the end of the series. Even though I doubt the writers planned Firuze's existence right back then per say, this line sounds like such foreshadowing to her in retrospect, which makes Mahidevran both right and wrong with this quote. Firuze caused an actual continuous rift between Hürrem and Süleiman, making her doubt his love in ways she hadn't before. Nazenin comes into the picture, as well. But no one truly succeeds to properly destroy the love between Süleiman and Hürrem and they managed to prevail, despite of all the narrative opposition. She still stayed the most dear woman to SS's heart, no matter what. There is a slight possibility of Mahidevran judging the situation one hundred percent to herself here, claiming rather that the appearance of another woman would make Hürrem fall out of love with SS and destroy that, instead, just like it was with her, but since Mahidevran called the same line back during the Firuze episodes, I think she was referring to the rift Firuze would cause and how would Hü fall deeper and deeper.

Hürrem: Mahidevran, don't think of me as your equal.

This line is very telling in that Hürrem considers herself different than everyone else. It has always been a part of her character, perhaps a running reminder of her unprecedented elevation in the system she's telling us about through words. And most of the interpretations I've encountered of this line are exactly this: it is epic, badass, it is delivered in such a shading sassy way that could only be respected or applauded. However, it is just as possible for this infamous one-liner to be presented as the culmination of not only her persistent insistence to assert herself as different and special, but her continuous unwillingness to be compared to anyone else in the harem. And usually she's compared to guess who? Mahidevran. She doesn't want to even think of the possibility to be compared with her by this point (starting from E40 where after she was freed, she said: "Now I'm not equal to you." right to Mahidevran's face and continuing forward into S03 with: "I told you not to compare me to others, to Mahidevran never!" -it was something like that), but at first, which is now probably buried deep within, she feared becoming like Mahidevran. She repeated "I'm not Mahidevran!" when she was out of favor like with the Russian concubines, Mahidevran's words that she would make the same mistakes she did echoed in her head during the Isabella arc in episode 31 and earlier had a nightmare of Süleiman giving the emerald ring to Mahidevran instead of Hürrem in a completely parallel scene. (there's also the other nightmare where Mahidevran was taunting Hürrem to tell her about Leo.) Hürrem dreaded all of those things happening and tried her very best to avoid the very thoughts of it. Now, in a season nearly full of victories in her part, she had gained the belief that whatever happens, she'll always stand above the others. She wants to give off the vibe that no one would ever stop her. She has broken so many traditions and the narrative is currently rooted at her favor, all well and good, right? This line could be a mask, in a way, hiding the fear of being rejected just like the others (that doesn't completely disappear, seeing her suicide attempt in E72; also E106's menopause plot.) and striving to leave it behind her, now reaching its peak by putting not only Mahidevran, but the rest of the women into the picture, without a second of realization of the implications it causes, because well, who else was given such special attention by the Sultan? Who else was freed, who else had such a marriage, who else got out of death's door so many times, who else overcame everything, who else had a chance to "rain as fire" over all her enemies? Even though the quote applies on a much grander scale in execution, in later seasons and the way it got called back to in MCK, I feel, in this particular context, it refers to the harem and Süleiman specifically - his majesty doesn't need any other women, there is no such woman that could take away what Hürrem has and even if they stand together, they wouldn't stand a chance, because Hürrem is that massive and powerful.

The retroactive irony hits hard and here: she's right in the events of this particular episode, but the subsequent events definetly tell a different story. Hürrem's influence and power is acknowledged, especially in her last episodes, but that she's the only one capable of having such power is not necessarily true, given the existence of the SOW, some members of which reached more highs than she did, due to the evolving extent of power they could exercise in the system.

Mahidevran: Your arrogance will end you, Hürrem! One day when you're suffering in pain, I'll remind you this!

Hürrem: Mahidevran, you're not here anymore. You'll be leaving soon!

Mahidevran: You're not powerful enough for that!

The focus on the present and future is back with this quick, but substantial exchange. Mahidevran seems to count completely on what will happen in the future in the first line, while Hürrem accounts for both the present and the future, seemingly in accordance, and Mahidevran brings the confrontation back to the present, for what Hürrem talks about is currently unattainable. These lines look like a brief summary of what was established before about the beliefs of both characters: they both desire the end of one another - for Mahidevran it would happen eventually, because Hürrem would end herself in her eyes and Mahidevran would live for this moment and even witness it (and while she didn't witness it exactly, she lived and outlived them all, because there would be no death for her until they get what they deserve, a belief that carries on the strongest in season 4); for Hürrem it has already happened, but it would keep going, fueling her will to get rid of all her enemies and being in conjunction with the ongoing plot arc itself, for her attacking her enemies in all fronts in ways she hadn't before. The last line of Mahidevran's stops the dialogue between both of them for good (followed by Hürrem's smug grin), resting back on her current position, that is also how her whole set of dialogue began in the first place. Even though there was a hint of realization that she has been fighting a losing battle a while before, the part of hers that would prefer not going to the sanjack than give up now, is directly reflected on. It sets more of a parallel between how both of them are, because Mahidevran told Hürrem that arrogance would end her a few seconds ago, but now she's the one that demonstrates this same arrogance herself, starting to underestimate her own opponents yet again, simply because she rules the harem. Claiming that Hürrem doesn't have the power to send her to the sanjack by force, is true, actually, because Ibrahim interfered at the last moment, but this way Mahidevran seems to brush off Hürrem's victories completely, somehow convincing herself that she's forgotten how far has Hürrem gone and just like her rival, thinking of herself as unstoppable. (that goes on the season finale, too, where she says: "If you're powerful enough, face me by yourself!".) This attitude more or less cemented her downfall in this arc, as it would cement major flaws of Hürrem's in the future.

And then they're stopped by... Süleiman himself and I love that, because they have to stop because he comes, they have to stop because he's watching them and give him the necessary respect. Symbolically, it could be a showcase of him being the decider of everyone's fates and them having to accept his will at the end of the day.

And after he leaves, of course, Hürrem and Mahidevran prepare to carry on with their bickering, as they usually do. While that's the end of the whole confrontation, their expressions tell us it's not over yet.

It's particularly interesting, even as a confrontational scene alone: it's longer than many of the confrontational scenes between them, it speaks more volumes about the opposing sides than any other of the kind has dreamed to. While I love Mahidevran and Hürrem's chemistry, I wish there were more scenes like this one, more nuanced interactions than vitriol and constant, almost formulaic smackdowns. Because, to me, this whole confrontation, while simple at hindsight, raised the bar to what could we have had. The rivalry of the two ladies is fascinating on a thematic level and not exploring its depth further, would be a myriad of wasted opportunities.

This scene did right all you could think of: composition, soundtrack, attention to detail, chemistry, dialogue and opposing two sides on a respectful, unbiased, while narratively provoked, way. I adore the way it aged: as I said, it created a perfect blend between context of the episode/plot arc and retroactive irony and the mix of cause and effect of soapy intrigues, character exploration through lines and all the coming thematic stuff, while being filled with dynamic and fun energy. And it's absolutely sublime for it.

[lumosandnoxwriting]

🍾 - I'd love to use this opportunity to know your thoughts on a fic that I'm probably the most proud of atm, Sol et Luna - The Sun and the Moon 😌

im so excited to read this, I love a good soulmate AU, especially with George!

🍾 - fic review: Sol et Luna - The Sun and the Moon

beware there may be some spoilers!

first of all I love the title, it gives me romance novel vibes for sure! And the idea of the sun and the moon as representing soulmates is very fitting!

“Don’t give us any ideas,” Fred feign-threatened with a mischievous smile, yet you didn’t understand him. “…or you might end up finding yourself in the water,” George followed, looking you straight in the eye with the same expression. You felt a shiver down your spine.

“You wouldn’t…” you pointed out, wanting to believe that and crossed your arms over your chest. Fred and George knew a boundary. Right? George shrugged, continuing his act as he walked up to you. “We’ve got two whole weeks, love,” he said melodically and squeezed you against his side, way tighter than necessary.

I feel like this exchange is just like, the pinnacle of Fred and George. They absolutely would throw you in a cold lake no matter what you say or what you're wearing. they'd just pick you up and toss you in.

I really like these subtle hints of George x Reader so far in the opening here, like their little interactions that are friendly but hint at more - a really great way of hinting at the rest of the fic!

“We should really get on with it, it’s gonna overcook…” you concluded firmly, glancing at the pot on the stove, closing the previous topic. George didn’t feel in place to drag it further since you clearly didn’t wish to talk. But he was really not pleased with how that conversation had gone, and it left him with this uneasy feeling somewhere in his chest, eating away at him.

The slightest touch of angst with both the reader and George doubting things - you love to see it! also I feel a very real way to tackle a soulmate au! they both seems nervous about the possibility of their tattoos matching and worry that they aren't enough for the other person this gives such a great opportunity for the future of the story and I'm excited to see how to progresses!

I love your characterization of George in this fic!! Very sweet and understanding, a little nervous and unsure of himself! it's very much what I imagine George to be like!

“Is that okay if I show you?” he asked and you didn’t understand at first, before he made a move to stand behind you with one hand on your shoulder and the other over your hand, but waited until you replied.

This is so cute and romantic in an understated way I'm going to implode.

Both his hands were on your shoulders when you turned around and smiled, beaming at him, and he thought he could get used to it.

no thoughts, just many squeals

I love the slow build that their relationship is going through as they work through their emotions! like this soft transition from acquaintances to friends and better friends, etc. feels very natural and really showcases the readers feelings/george's feelings and their growing bond!

the little moment when George catches the reader staring at him in the water - very cute and such a nice transition into the reader realizing her feelings for George!

It was like some force, drilling inside him constantly, the inability to leave you be

I really like this line - just George being super obsessed with the reader haha

Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. – you repeated, though the words wouldn’t come out of your mouth.

But he’d heard them

This was such a cute moment!! I was on the edge of my. seat only for it to be interrupted haha, very nice touch of humor!

I don't want to put too much more as the story ends to avoid any spoilers, but the ending is beautiful! just the words they say to each other are so vulnerable and beautiful and just perfect.

this fic is honestly 1000/100, I love the slow build up to the beautiful, heart warming ending! there's so many great little moments and interactions between George and the reader that just add up to it and it feels like they are forging something genuine not just based off of the possibility of them being soulmates!

come join the party!

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

IDK if anyone else relates but I just wanna share it somewhere & I've gotten the least hate on Tumblr so....

((gender questioning journey share, here we go! & as always, hate will be blocked & deleted - I respect you're a human person but I don't give you authority over my identity & journey to experiencing the happiest life I can.))

I'm at the point in my journey with gender where I can comfortably say “eh, I dunno what I am but I'm not a girl”.

I started off desperate for a label. I wanted to name it, understand it, see my experience in words. I wanted to say I was genderfluid, then nonbinary, then a transman, then....

I’m masculine and agender. That's all I know. ¿Demiboy? Maybe. ¿Bigender? Maybe. ¿Nonbinary? Definitely.

¿Do I feel masculine? Yea, sort of. I’m a man—my own perception of one, for sure.

¿Do I feel like a genderless void entity floating timelessly in existence, somehow existing inside this weird lil meatsuit powered by an electrified muscle that sort of holds my soul with shapes I don't like that can't capture the endless void that is me? Also yes.

¿Do I have a *set* label for it? No. But I'm okay with that.

I’m me. I’m nonbinary. My pronouns are he/him and they/them, & honestly some other pronouns (xey/xem, fae/faer) kinda make me feel good too.

The only thing I know for sure about my gender is that my feminine energy does not align with what I feel to be woman/girl identity (what I feel in my soul to be woman vs feminine - it's more of a, feminine is not woman, there are masc women & feminine men & androgynous people that mix both, I don't feel woman or girl in my soul but I do feel something feminine & nurturing and creative).

Feminine is a bendy loopy energy that just is, and everyone has a little of it. But woman doesn’t align with me. She/her does not align with me. Honestly I dissociate/depersonalize every single time someone calls me ma���am or refers to me as she/her.

And I’m okay with that.

And I’m okay with that.

¿Why is this a big deal?

....I questioned if I was truly cis when I was six years old, fifteen, seventeen, & went ‘nah I love the power swoosh & twirly of dresses & people tell me I'm feminine so I can't be anything but Girl™, Woman™, She/Her™’. I was one of the people who noticed it young & put it off as a problem for another day.

So when I allowed myself to genuinely question, to experiment, to feel gender euphoria....

I was nineteen, going on twenty.

I am now turning twenty-two in less than a month (Nov 19). And it has taken this long to know who I am & be ready for HRT.

I was 19 when I said ‘okay, maybe I need to actually work through this’. I got a therapist and talked about my feelings and presentation and...and she diagnosed gender dysphoria with confidence. And I knew I was right all along. But ¿what, then, was I?

((note - that's not to say everyone needs a diagnosis, or that dysphoria is the only way to know. I was insecure needing validation to really deeply question. A diagnosis set my questioning free. There are other ways to know too 💖.))

I wanted a set label. I wanted something I could throw out to the world, I am me, this is me, please send someone who will accept me.

It took three years to get here.

Three years. And now I feel comfortable saying ‘I don't know the right label, nonbinary is a fuzzy category and I know my perception of gender is affected by my ADHD & autism, but I am comfortable just being me.’

I’m finally here.

It’s self tolerance at the least, but it feels more like self acceptance and self love, or the beginning steps of it.

And I’m so proud.

So for anyone else who felt like I did...

You don't need a label. They probably won't get it anyway.

Be you. Take up space, make that space your own. Present how you want, transition the way you want, command respect, and learn to put your foot down when people don’t “respect” your pronouns & fuzzy identity.

You are already good enough. You are already strong enough, and soft enough. You may not be in a safe place to figure it all out yet, but you’ll get here too.

I am nonbinary. I want he/they.

& the people who love me & respect me won’t demand me to change. I can have grace & acceptance for the time it takes them to learn, & still not tolerate demands for change or simplicity.

I am allowed to have feminine energy without being a girl. I am allowed to have masculine energy without being completely a man. I am allowed to be nonbinary. And so are you.

I am allowed to unbecome what I was forced to be, and become who I wanted to be from the start. You can unbecome who they forced you to be and build a new you too.

So wherever you may be in your self love journey, healing journey, self acceptance journey, & nonbinary journey, know that I see you and you are already valid enough even if they don't see you yet.

And (as a multiplicity system) we’ve finally found a name for the body that we can all agree on too: Stardust.

Let us reintroduce ourselves to the world now that we've gotten this far: We are Stardust (the Void Galaxy is absolutely still acceptable, we love our system name), & our pronouns are he/they. We are transmasc nonbinary.

~Stardust (AKA the Void Galaxy), he/they

[mxbitters]

would you happen to have any advice for someone who wants to wear mens clothing for the first time? I've always worn very feminine clothing because that's how I grew up I guess and I'm scared to change, but I know this is not who I am. In my head I am nb or something more on the male side but on the outside everyone sees me as girly girl. I also don't really know what to buy in mens stuff, everything is so different and I don't know how to fashion in mens. (also large chest issue I hate it sm)

hi!!!  i’m so sorry i didn’t respond to this earlier, i had a lot of thoughts but very little energy but i’m in a little better of a spot for talking about this stuff, clothes are a very big aspect of how i identify myself so i get you!!  here’s what’s helped me, and then i’ll get into like actually changing how you dress and stuff too!!

--

first of all, sizing:

this guide is like as old as time itself but i’ve found it’s super useful.  i’ll go in order and sprinkle in what i know from experience.

pants wise, i have trouble finding my size as i think it’d be a 28 or 29 in men’s (don’t quote me on that i don’t even know) in men’s but honestly i’ve found that if you can’t find it in the men’s section, you can probably find something that works for you in the boy’s section.  however i tend to stick to women’s pants usually just because it’s easier for me to navigate and we all know nobody can get my emo ass out of the black skinny jeans so i think it’s really just a taste thing.  however, with men’s pants you might need a belt because gendered pants are definitely shaped differently, in my case men’s pants are usually super long for me so i end up having to pull them all the way like over my hips (and i have really high hips so like) so it ends up around my stomach so i usually need a belt in that case.

when it comes to shirts, i think the chart’s sizing is pretty accurate, however chest dysphoria is no joke and i get you with that.  technically speaking i’m a men’s size small when it comes to shirts, but when it’s summer especially and i can’t bind all the time, it gets uncomfortable.  so usually my strategy is i opt for a size or two up.  i also tend to french tuck(ok thank tan france for that), try and wear button ups at work, and always go for vertical rather than horizontal stripes- all of these things can contribute to drawing attention away from the chest area, the vertical lines of both button ups and vertical stripes are really great for height dysphoria too; they draw the eye up.  

i’ll bring up the obligatory thing about binding- it’s not everyone’s thing.  and if you’re in an unsafe situation for that, i’m not going to encourage you go out and get one.  however, if you do want to bind, remember:

- don’t bind with tape or try to make your own binder (i tried the tights thing before.  it doesn’t work and also it hurts, BAD)

- if you want to get a binder, steer clear of am*zon (except for underworks), anything that says anything along the lines of “tomboy lesbian les,” anything off websites like wish, etc.  

i took a screenshot of the average thing you’d see on am*zon.  as you can see a lot of people try and capitalize on trans people especially.  most of them, quite frankly, can hurt you a lot.  my mom, meaning well, gave me a binder a friend was giving away off wish.  it had clasps on the side and it wouldn’t even fit around me.  if it has clasps, it’s bad news.  dysphoria sucks, but when it comes to binding, you need to be able to breathe, it can’t be digging into you or restricting anything because there’s a lot of important shit in there and you don’t want to put yourself in danger.  also, quite frankly, unsafe binding can make things like top surgery a lot more difficult to actually happen- you need to look out for your health.

- your best bets brand-wise are underworks (more medical based but effective) or even more so, gc2b, which is trans-owned.  here’s gc2b’s sizing chart:

- also the standard lecture, don’t bind for over 8-10 hours, do NOT sleep in it, don’t do any heavy lifting or any sort of over-exertion of your body in it, for the love of all that is good PLEASE do not wear it when it’s super hot and most importantly, listen to your body.  dysphoria is awful but breaking a rib just isn’t worth it.

okay off my tangent about binding, now to shoes :D so shoes are pretty straightforward from the guide but i’d note that men’s shoes will feel a lot more.. boxy.  they’re not so bad when you get used to it, but my strategy is if it’s less comfortable, go for something classic looking and unisex, like converse, vans, combat boots, etc.  because regardless of how they’re gendered, they give off the same vibe and nobody’s gonna notice or care how they’re gendered.

and socks and underwear, honestly you do not need to change those if you don’t feel like it, i generally go for like a boy short type thing but it’s really nobody’s business but your own so whatever floats your boat, y’know?

--

so when it comes to changing how you dress, i completely get that it’s intimidating.  the way i went about it, i always sort of dressed in a similar way.  i got into the emo subculture in 7th grade, more or less, and that’s when i started wearing band shirts and flannels and such.  the flannels, converse, beanies, all those really helped me when i first started questioning my gender.  my first few flannels were definitely, clearly from the women’s section; they’d be fitted a certain way, be almost glittery, etc. but when i found the right ones, i realized that that layering, that repping a band so that what i’m wearing is more about expressing the things i love instead of how i look, that changed my life.  i find that that’s something that really helped me when starting to transition socially.  it’s not about “passing” to the world because honestly that focus is not going to really change much except make you a lot more miserable.  it’s more about experimentation, finding the things that make you happy, that spark some of that marie kondo joy, and that make you excited to get up and get dressed.  

when i was doing my little middle school emo kid transition and later on my actual coming out, it was all about realizing that you don’t have to dive straight in, and you don’t need to do everything.  just like you don’t have to listen to every band and wear every cliche accessory, you don’t have to jump into a completely unfamiliar section immediately if you’re not comfortable with that.  maybe you can find button ups in the women’s sections, pair them with a good pair of pants or find a jacket or 12 that make you feel more comfortable walking down the street.  

nowadays, i associate myself much more with the punk scene.  i have a faux leather jacket i painted myself, it’s really brash and bold and most importantly i can walk around with it 100% proud of what i’m wearing and who i am.  in that way, i refer to it as my battle armor.  at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about what you’re wearing.  it doesn’t matter if it’s a shock to them.  when you find your battle armor, you can do anything.  you seem incredible, and no matter what anybody tells you, you deserve to feel that sort of pride in who you are and you deserve to be able to wear that on your sleeve (literally!).  

if you need any more help, or i went off on the completely wrong tangent, please don’t hesitate to send another ask or message me, this was kind of cathartic to write and talk about so i hope this helped!!  have a great night :) <3

[transwitchsammy]

Slight Rambles #1 (11/08/22)

Thought I'd kinda ramble a bit cause I forgot just how much I love posting here and I want to make a better habit of just posting. The love of experiencing what it feels like to like to have a blog again. A little space to just like write or post or whatever. A space that I remember having within the walls of this site years and years ago.

This might come off slightly manic or weird and all over the place, I'm running on not a lot of sleep cause my sleep has been bad and I've got important shit to work on today at least. So if some of this is a little incoherent I'm fine just a tiny bit out of it. But just really wanting to write and post it cause I'm a little bit of an attention whore but honestly especially at this point in my transition I'm proud of that shit. I feel like I was afraid to take any pride in myself because of different aspects of my environment but now I just don't care and the older I get the less I'm caring and just doing my best to vibe. I'm living my life the best way I feel I can.

Obviously I wanna change things. Financially, things with myself and aspects of my body. I wanna be cuter and cooler. More of that ideal goth I'd always idealized and envied as a kid. I'm getting there more and more. Looking at old videos and photographs I don't even recognize that person. I pulled up old shitty videos from years ago, eons and lifetimes ago at this point, and that person was so sad and angry. I just didn't recognize them but I felt for them and where they were.

I feel like at some points in my life I lost myself. As a child, as a teenager, college, after I dropped out, a little bit of the past year (2021 too tbh) sort of until like this summer. Just dissociation after dissociation. Loss of the self. Constant rediscovery. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna loop that lost feeling forever cause my brain chemistry is kinda fucked no matter how I look at it. But I just remember that life ain't really cut and dry like that. We all kinda wander and stumble and fumble and wonder if life is really just constantly that and so far it has been. But the more it happens the more I've been excited to learn and grow and change from it. I feel like old me, sad me, angry me would've just stewed and not tried to push forward in some way. The internal void would've probably just eaten away again and again in a constant loop. But today, nah. I spiral a bit sure. I'm not perfect, I got shit and things I need to constantly work at. But I don't feel hopeless anymore.

Finding yourself lost again and again, finally regaining that confidence and love of the self too is vitally important. But every time it feels like it has the potential to slip from me again and something about that sometimes crushes me in ways. Like I should be able to feel stronger within myself as a person. But I feel like I just give it all away so easily sometimes. Not even in a conscious effort to undermine my core self but more-so to feel like I'm connecting with others in a way that I don't fully know if it is real.

I'd always felt this weird disconnect from others. Like part of that as a kid was the dysphoria and the constant depression and anger and shittiness that my trauma manifested within me.

Part of it too was a deep fear of people stemmed from a magnitude of shit and life experiences that I won't go into in this post. As I got better at masking, pretending and socializing, the better I got at trying to appeal to people's tastes. But part of me felt like I was just a poser. Constant imposter syndrome that ate at me internally, made me feel like a liar when I just liked the same things as well. But I constantly would second guess myself. So part of me questioned if that was even real? Or if there was just an emptiness, a boring husk where an interesting person should be. Left by the expectations of so many and none of the me I feel that I am now.

There's ideas of who I am. People tell me who I am, but sometimes it feels like an aspect of me wants to crawl out, a multiple selves sort of. I think that's the part of myself I was embarrassed of embracing for so long. This earnest self I felt I had to subdue just to survive and feel like I was surviving in the world that I didn't choose to exist in by the standards of others that I just didn't understand why I had to care about. But I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified of that.

Maybe something snapped. I still don't wanna be alone. But I feel like I've settled into accepting my introversion and tendencies I used to hate, especially as my transition has progressed and I've just gained a different understanding and context for my body and emotional health. My quietness, my hunger for the creative and the critique without trying to uphold myself to the standards of those who do nothing for me or the things I want to make. I can communicate through my art, through my writing, through my critiques. The genuine heart talks through what it creates, who and what it gravitates towards and what it fixates towards.

I didn't realize how much I missed Tumblr honestly.

Honestly, this site might be the key to regaining my love for my stream of consciousness writing. I grew to hate it over the course of the past years for a lot of personal self loathing emotional roller coaster reasons and outside of critiques I just haven't written like this at all and it's fucking invigorating. It makes me feel capable and feeling like I can just do it if I set my mind to expressing like this again. The written word means so much to me and I didn't realize how much I was suppressing that underneath the weight of tweets.

How miserable birdsite made me was unhealthy and I really should have stopped using it earlier on but I wanted to be more plugged in. I wanted to be in the social square, I still want to promote my work, in a way I can't fully disconnect.

I feel like this whole year, things that happened in the real especially, showed me how much I just needed to stop caring about a lot of dumb shit, give people who I feel like deserve my time and attention and fuckin ENERGY cause I deserve that shit. I love the people I talk to and hang with rn. If you're reading this you probably know who you are. I deserve that happiness. I deserve that respect and I wanna do my best to pay kindness like that back in spades. Communicating, shooting the shit, writing, talking art, creation, critique, art. Let's fucking go.

I'm over the stage of looking up to people who don't feed the energy back that I give them. Tired of the days of looking for role models and inspirations outside of the art and the vibes themselves. I will become better at this. I will surround myself with art, artists and lovers of art and creating and discussing. I need that for what I consider to be myself.

This is catharsis. If ya read all of this. Thank you. I'm gonna do this more every now and again. I'm gonna make every year that I can do the best I can by driving myself forward in my passions no matter what. No matter how. I'm me, I'm here, I'm real and I'm gonna fucking live.

[detemmienation-my-way]

Noticing a pattern

When I take my testosterone, I feel invigorated and pretty damn ready to take the world on with miles and sunshine. When I have to miss a week or two because I can't afford them, I crashed into depression.

I am currently feeling that depression.

I've been up the past few nights barely getting in sleep just staring at the wall, thinking. Sinking. Wanting to cut off everything and disappear a while because I just can't handle much else. I'm exhausted in every way but have to work. I want to hide away but I have a student/friend aboard my truck that prevents me from escaping into myself. I can't even vent to anyone because everyone has something happening right now causing them stress/depression/mental issues so I'm back venting here.

I wish I could be with someone that would love on me the way I love on them. I am a dominant person but even a dom could use a hug and some affection every now and again. I just visited a friend that is a huge snuggler and I could have cried from the relief I felt from her hugging and snuggling into me (granted more for warmth than affection but still). It really brought to light just how affection starved I am.

I want more of that.

Not even from her since we aren't like that but...just...affection. The person I am (sort of?) with lives waaaaay to far away for us to indulge in such things and honestly I know this...relationship is more one sided in it's intensity. We've already talked about it how he's dealing with a lot of drama in his life and can't really focus on a relationship and I accepted that. I still chose to love him as long as he let's me but I also know I'm just hurting myself in the long run. I can't even read stories that have any trace of romance in them without feeling pain, wishing I could share myself properly.

I've also realized I never was able to be myself around my father.

I fully respect him. Always have and even now, three years after his death, I still hold the highest respect for him. He loved me the best he could.

His death both shattered me and set me free and there isn't a day that goes by I don't wish I could be with him.

I would never tell him about my transitioning though. Never. His response to me dating my ex was enough of a reaction to enforce I never did. We found a way around it eventually but I hated that rift. If I wasn't born intersexed...if I didnt look like a girl...could we have stayed close?

I told my mother but she has memory issues from her medications and own issues so I have to repeat the 'coming out' to her often. Every time she's confused and a little "Hurt I didnt tell her sooner" only to call me the next week talking about getting me this beautiful dress she found and how happy she is to have such a loving daughter...

Always daughter.

But it isn't her fault and it's not on purpose which makes it all the more tormenting.

She doesn't hate me when I come out, at least...but is it too much to ask to have one parent able to support me through this? If mother called me right now to tell me how proud she is to have a son, I'd cry. Most likely ugly cry at this point just from wanting it so badly.

I want to be destroyed. I can't because it would hurt people I care about. I'm not suicidal, I'm just not bothered with death anymore. If I had accident that was actually fatal, I feel I would offer an apology to my loved ones and just let go.

I'm barely here. I'm barely anywhere. Just getting by day by day.

I'm tired.

I've turned off my social media for a while. Other than making this post, I'm going to try and avoid it till I'm back in a better headspace.

Goodness knows I'll probably be all better once I'm back on T but for now, I'm just sinking.

[lostlegendaerie]

Ship meme - TATK York and Carolina. I'm writing down my predictions - see how many I get right. ;)

under a cut bc, predictably, its long

Gives nose/forehead kisses

Noses from Carolina, Foreheads from York. (based on height convenience for sudden impulsive kisses)

Gets jealous the most

listen carolina will DIE before she admits to jealousy but Carolina is also one of the most competitive people, EVER. york is usually just super proud of her (”my girlfriend is SO COOL oh my god isnt she the best”) and does dumb shit to get carolina’s attention if he’s feeling neglected (it only goes well like half the time)

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive

both? they take turns or just take an uber/mass transit home. carolina is usually the one keeping york on track, tho if carolina’s trashed york just humors her every whim and takes tons of pictures/videos

Takes care of on sick days

@agentyorkdakota​ and i have discussed this scenario in… possibly this au? or a different one? anyway neither will admit they’re sick until they’re Fucked Up, at which point one just undercuts the other and demands they stay home. (York’s preferred method of attack is to blanket burrito Carolina until she stops trying to leave and if he can stays home to be with her, where Carolina overstocks the kitchen/cabinets with every home remedy ever and texts york reminders to take vitamins/pills/etc while she’s at work.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day

carolina has seen jaws. carolina Knows Better. york can swim by his own damn self.

Gives unprompted massages

Y O R K. no contest here, he does it way more. (he blames his damaged vision for why he’s especially tactile but we all know better.)

Drives/rides shotgun

whenever possible, carolina drives and york rides shotgun half twisted around in the seat so she’s not on his bad side. (york legally can’t drive after sundown anyway)

Brings the other lunch at work

carolina to york, actually. but that’s more because the Blues are too over the top in teasing (”man you are so WHIPPED” “oh man i wish” “what?” “I SAID I BROUGHT FISH”) but carolina never stays long bc her lunch breaks are p short. they usually just eat burgers out back in the parking lot.

Has the better parental relationship

*W I N C E S* let’s. uh. let’s skip this one

Tries to start role-playing in bed

york starts. mutual overachieving assures it dissolves into a heated discussion. carolina suggests he find a DND group. (york suggests she get a better taste in movies, and promptly tastes pillow)

Embarrassingly drunk dancer

considering that this york canonically scaled a three story building while drunk more than once, it’s probably him. he’s okay but like. too suggestible. someone tells him to do the macarena and he doesn’t even pass off his drink first, just drops it where he stands. someone save him.

Still cries watching Titanic

york cries after the fifth time he watches it and the first time with carolina. first time with carolina is the last time bc she storms out at the end and doesn’t talk to york for like three days (because as much as she hates it she sees patterns and parallels in their lives and has nightmares about york dying for weeks afterwards). 

tl;dr york cries but recovers, carolina is legit upset and never watches it again.

Firmly believes in couples costumes

i feel like neither of them were really into it until like. some police function where tucker brings wash and they’re like bert and ernie and carolina is furious that she didnt know about the region-wide couples costume contest, demands ex-cosplayer connie to help her and york because they’re going to WIN THIS NEXT YEAR (”sexy bert and ernie can you believe it” “uh huh” “muppets should not be sexy” “uh huh”)

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas

honestly carolina made the rule to make sure york doesn’t go overboard especially with his student debt and other issues but she also probably secretly gets him really nice things and feigns surprise (he knows tho. it takes him a while to figure it out but carolina comes home once to a very, very enthusiastic boyfriend and its a good day. lots of things are given then.)

Makes the other eat breakfast

 york makes sure carolina eats. carolina makes sure york, conversely, eats real food and doesn’t rely entirely on snickers bars to start his morning.

Remembers anniversaries

york painstakingly marks all the little events in his phone calendar and only celebrates/mentions the most important third but he details everything. (the memory of his bubbe forgetting so much with her dementia makes him a little paranoid on that front)

Brings up having kids

carolina, actually, but in the context of getting another shot of her birth control mentions jokingly “i mean, it’s not like we want kids or anything” and york has a moment, briefly, where he thinks about what he wishes kids with carolina would be like (white picket fence, two girls and a boy) and what kids with carolina actually would be (overachieving parents with poor models for child raising running themselves into the ground) and says, softly, “nah.”