#social support network

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I'm INTJ. I have limited social network. At work or family friends etc I come across many people and I do the needful which is required socially. But deep down, I feel very lonely. I crave for certain connection based on interest, authenticity but that doesn't happen easily.

It is very difficult to find someone with interest like mine. I'm very bore person that way. Though, for sake of socializing, I try to learn something about topics of common interests, it keeps me unsatisfied. There are few groups, social media but it cannot replace human connection

Recently, I started reading quotes from poet Rumi and it is giving me some sort of peace im looking for

I just thought to write in here, is this related to personality or any other thing. What can be solution. Thanks in advance!

---------------------

Statistics show that loneliness is a growing epidemic in modern societies. Loneliness can feel like a troubling void inside, and many lonely people fantasize about finding that one special person to fill it. Not only is this a myopic approach to the problem, but to expect one person to fulfill all your social needs is a big burden to place upon their shoulders.

Contrary to popular belief, having similar interests is only one of many possible ways to build a friendship. It's actually not always the most important factor for friendship compatibility, so hyperfocusing on it might be detrimental to your search. Being Ni dom, you are in the minority, so it's understandable to feel out of place or misunderstood. However, keep in mind that a person need not have the exact same interests as you in order to understand you; they only need to be an empathetic person with good social skills.

Loneliness is more complex than finding one special friend. There are many factors that could lead to a person ending up lonely, so you'll have to dig deeper to discover which factors affect you the most. Common factors include:

1) Personal Issues (that usually present as passivity, indifference, ambivalence, laziness): What you basically said is that you expect great relationships to happen while only putting in minimal effort to build them. Would you want to be friends with someone like that, i.e., someone who refuses to invest anything unless they are guaranteed what they want in return? You say you're very lonely and want a better social life, yet your mechanical "dutiful" behavior sends out an unwelcoming vibe. Is it reasonable to expect others to care about you when you can't express any genuine care for them?

The first step of making good friends is learning how to BE a good friend. This could relate to function development in that your expectations aren't realistic (immature Ni) and you haven't yet learned the lesson of "you reap what you sow" (immature Te).

"You reap what you sow" is very fitting when it comes to relationship building (both romantic and platonic). New people are unknown entities. People are complicated and contain multitudes, so you have to spend enough quality time with them in order to learn who they really are and make a sound judgment about long term compatibility. Studies have been done on this and, on average, it takes at least a few months or a couple hundred hours of effort to turn an acquaintance into a good friend.

Too often, people make snap judgments based on a "gut feeling" or the nebulous concept of "chemistry", which leads them to cut off the potential for relationships to grow and develop over time. In most cases, when you're dealing with normal everyday people, the judgment of long term compatibility shouldn't be very easy to make. If you believe it's easy, it could be an indication that you're too superficial or judgmental, which is a form of self-sabotage.

Have you been open and honest with people about wanting more friends? Have you been proactive and assertive in putting out "invitations" to build friendship? Can you honestly say that you've given people enough of a chance? Can you honestly say that you've made every effort to take advantage of opportunities to develop friendships with the people you've known throughout life?

If you've answered "no" to the above, then there's something about you that needs to change. Perhaps there's a blockage inside you. If you're unable to figure out what exactly is preventing you from succeeding in relationships, consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it. Willingness to work on oneself is an essential ingredient to getting better at relationships.

2) Poor Social Skills: Some people aren't able to take advantage of friendship opportunities due to not knowing how to socialize. Ideally, people learn to socialize well in childhood and adolescence, but there are many reasons why social development doesn't go as expected. Fortunately, whatever the reason behind poor social skills, it is a solvable problem. Social skills are called "skills" because they can be improved through learning, study, and practice. I have already written about it and recommended books on the resources page.

Introverts tend to sit around waiting for things to happen rather than making things happen. You have to ask yourself how badly you want something. If you want it badly enough, you should have the motivation to do what it takes to get it. "No input, no output" is something healthy Te should understand very well.

Imagine you went to a party, social gathering, or a conference where you only knew a handful of people out of a hundred attendees. What would you do? Most people (and almost all introverts) would stick close to the people they already knew, using the known group to cautiously explore the strangers. Few people would make it their mission to meet each and every new person. Even fewer people could insert themselves into already established social groups and quickly carve out their own space, position, or role. Yet it can be done. Excellent socializers exist and they can make friends everywhere they go, no matter the occasion.

I've known many great socializers and they have certain things in common. Socializing well requires the ability to drum up courage, since you constantly have to face down the possibility of rejection. It requires good conversational skills that allow you to join seamlessly into discussions and express yourself in a way that is both authentic and well-received. It requires resilience and not taking failure personally, so that you can quickly recover and try try again. Most importantly, it requires an attitude of openness, trust, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Openness means being able to see and take advantage of every good possibility. Great socializers don't put all their eggs in one basket and look for only one person to fulfill all their social needs (which is unreasonable). Rather, they throw open every door in order to get a good look at each person they encounter, which creates a variety of ways to get everyone's social needs met.

Trust means giving people the benefit of the doubt and being relaxed enough to go with the flow. Great socializers don't hold back or try to control social situations (which reveals insecurity). Rather, they really believe in people and try to access the positive aspects in every social situation.

A willingness to be vulnerable means being able to express yourself freely and naturally. Great socializers don't expect people to understand each other right away (which is unrealistic). Rather, they make themselves as approachable and relatable as possible in order to maximize the opportunities for deeper emotional connection. They proactively work to understand and fulfill people's needs in order to encourage reciprocation.

If you find yourself in a pattern of being unable to get past acquaintanceship, then you might need to improve your social skills and nurture the qualities in yourself that make you a more attractive candidate for friendship. It's not about turning yourself into someone you're not but about doing more to enhance and express the positive attributes you already possess, as well as learning how to bring them out in others. Everyone has positive attributes but not everyone knows how to express them and put them to good use. You should be using them to signal to people that you have something meaningful to offer in a friendship.

3) Unfavorable Environment: There is no doubt that some environments are better than others for meeting new friends. For instance, a small town where everyone already knows each other isn't going to present many new opportunities. The workplace isn't always great either, if it's the kind of soulless environment where people only show up to get paid.

When you live in a place without much friendship opportunity, you have to be proactive and either i) create more opportunity or ii) go to where there are more opportunities. For example, if you live in a small town, maybe you need to give people a second or third look to make sure that you haven't misjudged them. Or if you're finding people with similar interests online, the next step would be to meet them in real life, or at least speak rather than just text.

It is very limiting and even small-minded to approach loneliness as merely an individual problem. One reason modern societies suffer more from loneliness is that they've constructed an environment that doesn't foster and even discourages connections between people. For example, living in an individualistic and WEIRD society like the US, people often strive to be independent, live in detached houses, and set up private life to have as little interaction with the public as possible. Then they turn around and wonder why they feel empty or disconnected.

Loneliness can't be completely resolved on the individual level because there are larger factors that influence the trajectory of everyone's lives. When you don't take these larger factors into consideration, whatever solution you find at the individual level is going to feel like a band-aid. People often settle for whatever friendship they can get, but if you really want to shake loneliness for good, you also need a community to belong to. This is what it really means to have a social support network.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in trouble and a whole village of people was willing to come to your aid? This would only be possible if every member of the village took their membership seriously - not just out of "duty" but also out of care. Be a member of something larger than yourself. It means caring about things that don't always directly relate back to you. It means taking responsibility for more than just yourself. It means nurturing a willingness to be of service to more than just your own desires.

Do you know why many soldiers aren't able to reintegrate back into civilian life after going to war? During the war, they were forced to join a very tight-knit community where everyone was responsible for each other's survival. All of their time was spent on service and contribution to a greater goal. Those social bonds were so strong and their sense of purpose was so constantly reinforced that returning to civilian life felt extremely isolating and empty.

The heart of loneliness isn't just about not having close friends, it's equally about not having a strong connection to society. Remedy this by getting more involved in your local community, e.g., through volunteering for organizations that you believe in or joining clubs with interesting activities. No matter where you are, there are always opportunities to get involved as well as worthy causes you could contribute your time and energy to. By making yourself properly useful, you'll be resolving a major cause of loneliness: lack of purpose. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? Instead of this endless search for one special friend, why not make it easier for friends to find you through a meaningful social identity?

[beforethepoison]

Jesse Eisenberg | OCD and What I Would Tell My Younger Self | Child Mind Institute

[crazysodomite]

see the thing is that its always easier to just drop one oerson from your friend group and retain the majority of the group. the thing is when everyone around you decides to stop talking to you because you just have a stupid & gay vibe you're just supposed to deal that. what are you gonna do, force people to talk to you? if you're socially incompetent all it really takes is one person not really liking you to be dropped by everybody lol. but idrc about that since i dont talk to people anymore and never will . wjen im alone no one can hurt mee

everyone stopped talking to you because of your stupid & gay vibe not necessarily because you did anything wrong. i mean its my right to not like you and not talk to you. im within my right to choose people i talk to and its never gonna be you lol.why would we talk to you when theres literal millions of people who are not mentally ill, for starters..??? etc. literally every interpersonal relationship is just a timer until the other shoe drops and not an actual Relationship

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

How to Support an Autistic Person With Social Exhaustion

I CAN Network Ltd

Autism

[elllteo]

Creators I love you but it's time to wake up

Among rumors about our tumblr user data being sold off to Midjourney/Generative AI, recent Extremely transphobic events (that have been ongoing) coming to a head, another extremely concerning internet censorship bill being pushed in upper levels of government, and a general air of frustration over how the site belongs to and is operated by perhaps the second stupidest CEO (second only to twitters own) of our age, I'm very done with the last few vestiges of what the old internet held for artists.

And if you're reading this, you probably are too.

I know we're tired. We are all tired. It is not always viable to pack up shop and move, again and again and again.

From tumblr to twitter to anywhere else we've ever grown up posting, things no longer work. Our audiences are kneecapped by aggressive and hostile algorithms, our reach is abysmal - if we aren't shadow-banned or silenced for one (transphobic) reason or another, we're thrust into an ever growing pit of hostility where the only thing that drives clicks is fighting and contention.

We're tired. We're so fucking tired. We aren't businesses, we aren't content mills, we cannot keep this pace that modern social media has set for us, to wring every ounce of creativity out of us to profit from and leave us rotting.

The key to staying afloat here, and I cannot stress this enough, is to stay connected to your peers.

Pack up and move as units if you must. Exodus from the sites that are killing us. Push your entire friend group of artists to move from one site to the next that promises you a kinder experience.

Art drives movements, it drives change, it is all that encompasses being human. If you take that away from the shitty places, they will be left with nothing but a cesspit of inhumanity and the people who follow you will be more incentivized than ever to move with you.

Yes, this is terrifying. There are no guarantees. There never was, and never are, and never will be.

But stay connected. Stay human.

Support each other and be willing to hold hands and jump when we all - as a group - need to jump from the flames we're all trying to convince ourselves wont kill us before rescue comes.

Rescue isn't coming, rescue will be found hand in hand with each other. I'm offering you my hand, please take it. There's always a new start, there are always helping hands reaching for you. You have to look up from the doom-scroll long enough to see and take them.

[arotechno]

i absolutely love what konya sukiyaki dayo says about communal living, child-rearing, and the many forms both can take. it's great when aro media takes a step into navigating the way de-centering monogamous romance and leaning on community can benefit all members of the group, not just aromantics. and, really, living right next door to your best friend so you can see each other all the time but have your own place, isn't that kind of the dream?

[infiniteorangethethird]

everyone: you should use your 20s to get to know as many people as you can! spend your college years making friends and connections! you cannot live a successful life without a widespread people network!!

me, autistic + loveless apl: I should do what now

[aflockofravens]

Critters, how we doing? 😭

[icewindandboringhorror]

"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m an INFP dating an ISTP in a long-distance relationship. We’re both 21 and have been dating for about 3 years. But I have a problem with our relationship that I don’t know how to fix. We’re really attached to each other and spend as much time as possible together, although I am definitely the clingier one most of the time (he has his moments too).

I find myself getting really defensive and on guard whenever he acts more “neutral” to me or makes “logical” observations… I know it’s stupid, but I start taking everything offensively when he’s not overtly affectionate or lovey-dovey with me, which I know rationally isn’t proper, but in the moment I can’t help but get emotional over nothing, and I kind of feel myself being destructive but struggle to resolve it anyways. I’m surprised he tolerates me, I’m sure it’s incredibly annoying, and sometimes even his reassurance isn’t enough for me because it feels shallow or like he’s just saying what I want to say since he usually isn’t very elaborate about his feelings or moods.

I guess it kind of scares me that I can’t read him, even though he’ll say there’s nothing to read… I can’t help but assume he’s against me or doesn’t like me or something in the moment if he’s not flirty or affectionate, when he’s probably just being his normal self. I also get stupidly jealous when he hangs out with his friends, although he usually tells me he misses me when we can’t spend time together or talk and that he’d rather be with me.

I think it’s because compared to him I lack a social life… most of my friends aren’t close to me anymore and don’t really care about me in my opinion, so I rarely see them. All I do is go to college, and I don’t have any real friends there either, and I still live with my parents who can be toxic and overbearing. So I really only have him, and it’s just hard. But I don’t like the direction my mentality is going, and I don’t want to get worse, so I guess I’m asking for some advice or steps I can take to improve myself and feel more secure in my relationship.

----------------------

The more dependent you are on something, the more you will fear losing it, which often leads to desperate or overbearing behavior. As a general rule, you shouldn't depend on only one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. By doing this, you turn love into a burden for your romantic partner. While they may be willing to shoulder the burden, it isn't fair to them, and it sucks all the fun out of the relationship. How can dominant Fi be healthy and feel at peace when you're behaving in a way that is exploitative?

You've already pointed out a major aspect of the problem: you don't have any other social and emotional supports in your life. If you're in college, it means you're an adult, but you aren't properly nurturing adult independence. Independence doesn't mean you have to do everything alone, rather, it means you have to take the initiative to get the things you need and want in life. Independent people take matters into their own hands and don't waste time with waiting around, self-pity, or wishful thinking.

For example, you could put more effort into building yourself a social support network as well as engaging in activities outside of your romantic relationship. Many introverts struggle with this. You don't have to be the life of the party or a social butterfly to build a social support network. A small handful of carefully chosen friends should suffice. Join clubs or group activities. Observe some good friend candidates and take the initiative to strike up a relationship with them. If it works out, great. If it doesn't work out as expected, oh well, simply move on to the next person.

Remember that once you leave school and enter the workforce, it becomes much more difficult to make new friends. College is an ideal time to make friends because there's much more opportunity to meet like-minded people. Knowing more people in college can open more doors for you personally and professionally. Don't waste the opportunities right in front of you. This will require you to develop auxiliary Ne and entertain a wider range of possibility in your life (see the Type Development Guide). Ne development is also necessary for changing repetitive patterns of behavior, through choosing new and different paths for opening yourself up to the world.

[captainjonnitkessler]

"American individualism has a lot of problems and can lead to a loss of supportive community networks" - true, a problem worth talking about

"Individualism is a poison and anyone who wants to maintain a level of independence from their family, culture, or community is suspect" - BAD. WRONG AND BAD. THIS IS EXTREME CONSERVATISM DRESSED UP IN A PROGRESSIVE HAT

[bacchuschucklefuck]

they put the televangelist in the same school as at least two extremely radicalizable children

[butchsophiewalten]

“Jenny lived a very normal and fulfilled life, y'know? She just, like, lived in the suburbs, with supporting people in her life." Looks like we all have to kill ourselves now

donnt even worry im ignoring this paert 👍 he doesnt know her like i do

[general-du-vallon]

I was thinking about Porthos again last night. He's such a good adaptation imo, he's big and strong and is sort of 'the stupid one' but mostly by reputation. His intelligence is just quiet and background. I like that in the dreaded s3 athos finally just says oitloud 'he's the smart one actually you should notice that now'.

This version of Porthos has lots of agency, he uses people's impressions and misimpressipns of him, it's him who choses to keep quieter about it. I find H Charles acting choices excellent. You can kinda see Porthos choices, and confidence and competence, and when he loses confidence or is frustrated by the fact that he has to work so hard to be seen as more or equal to the others, in the line delivery and way he acts in situations.

I'm thinking of all the complexity he packs into "i know who and what I am" and his demand that he is French, or the early s3 scenes with Sylvie where he just follows his orders and is visibly fed up with evrything, or the bit with the judge when he's being tried for murder where he has a split second beat before he says 'enjoying Paris at night' early on where he's maybe calculating that the judge isn't going to listen to a word he says sand there's no pint biting back.

And we also see his intelligence in his fighting. When he fights, how he fights, when he backs up the others. When he fights the red guard he's showing off his skill, when he fights with musketeers he's careful and shows off his strength, with his 'real' fights he's strategic but confident and uses what's to hand. I'm simplifieing and making things fit but he does fight differently in the different situations.

He's just such a great character and there's so many layers and things to think about and tturn over. There's Dumas OG Porthos who Dumas clearly loved to bits, and while I think the show as a whole failed in lots of ways at adapting satire to Serious Business they seemed to have a lot of love for the material too, and there's H Charles acting choices, all these people loving the character.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

The more we spend time on social medias the more we grow lost, dissociated from ourselves, and feel useless and unworthy. That's cause we let a pretty strange algorithm decide our worth and how interesting we are. And we understand we're not that much cause no matter how much effort we put in, everything easily flops (that's how it is these days, it's made to keep the engagement with a product -social media- high). If you cannot stop from scrolling and feel like a failure for not getting enough recognition, compare with others and wonder how others can have so many followers (most are bought *coughcough*), remind yourself this is just a buildt-in mechanism to keep you stuck there and find recognition by not giving up and trying to work on regular posts, time and pleasurable look, fast consume and any other characteristic it's said to work. Until we get drained and lost. Take a break, enjoy a nice walk in nature if you can and the weather allows. Come back to yourself. Your life is here, and your worth is inside of you... not inside a social media account or how much feedback you get (it's all temporary anyway).

(inspo from social media: there's also good here and there, always in good dosis)