#so yeah tumblr is me second therapist

[trafficpan-ic]

My second therapist is tumblr

[sun-kissy]

light | bucky barnes

bucky barnes x sunshine!reader; neighbour au — ★ 1k words

summary: bucky meets you, his bright, new neighbour, and is instantly endeared

tw: nothing, tooth-rotting fluff <3

a/n: first time writing for bucky… please be nice 🥲 consider this my official letter of intent into the mcu fandom on tumblr LOL

Ding dong! Bucky is quick to get to the door, abandoning his attempts at brewing coffee. The espresso machine Sam had gotten him sits sadly on the kitchen platform, likely broken from the looks of the dented knob and crooked buttons. Some things he could get a hang of easily — appliances were not one of them, and neither was using his metal arm with gentleness. He’d have to try and fix it back up later.

He pulls the door open, pleasantly surprised to see you standing there, with your twinkling eyes and sweet smile. Bucky hadn’t known what love felt like in a long, long time. But he thought the ache in his heart when he first saw you came dangerously close to it.

His first encounter with you was a couple of days ago, when he was just moving in. Dr. Raynor had told him that a move would be good for him, giving him a chance to have a fresh start. Bullshit. The only thing he’d gotten out of the new neighbourhood so far was a headache because of the sweltering heat, and a pulled muscle in his arm — the non-metal one — from hauling boxes up the stairs to his apartment.

He was busy cursing his therapist under his breath when you showed up, like some sort of angel in his plight. You jogged over to him brightly, hand wrapped around the leash of a fluffy brown dog. Bucky’s first instinct was to push you away when you offered to help. But you were persistent, and he gave in on account of shutting you up.

Your smile had widened immediately, and he remembered wondering how anyone could be so happy to help a stranger.

He couldn’t have been more wrong. Your enthusiasm only grew with each minute you spent together. It was like you couldn’t stop chattering — asking him where he was from, how long he was going to stay, and everything else under the sun. He hadn’t asked, but he got to know a lot about you too. He now knew you worked in a clinic near the neighbourhood, you lived alone with your dog (whose name was Milo), and that you weren’t particularly close to any family.

Bucky couldn’t help but soften more and more by the second. You were incredibly endearing, all soft smiles and loud laughter. It was like catching the first glimpses of morning light after being locked up in darkness for a lifetime, and frankly, he was smitten. You told him that you lived a few floors up and that you’d be back to visit soon. When you held Milo’s paw in your hand, the dog all bundled up in your arms, and waved him the most adorable little goodbye, he knew he was gone.

He was more than happy to see you on his front door today. You were all dolled up, pink tube top with a frilly white skirt. He couldn’t help the smile that quirked his lips. “Hey.”

“Hi!” you chirp, already digging into your bag for something. Bucky eyes you with an arched eyebrow as you pull out a Tupperware box, handing it to him excitedly. “Brownies.”

“For me?” He hesitantly takes it from you, surprised. There’s a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

You step into the house as he pulls the door open wider, confirming it with a nod. “Yeah, for you. Baked them myself.”

“Oh.” He clears his throat, closing the door behind you. No one’s ever done something like this for him before, niceness for the hell of it. It makes him want to pull you into a hug. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem at all,” you brush him off, flashing him a small smile before turning your attention to his living room. He watches as you peruse the place curiously, eyes darting all over before landing on the espresso machine. “So, James…” you start unsteadily as you walk towards the kitchen.

Bucky lets out a huff of laughter. “James? Where’d you get that?”

“I asked the security guard downstairs about you, didn’t let him off till he told me your name,” you smile sheepishly, twirling your curls around your finger. “He said it was James Buka… Bucha…”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” he interrupts with a fond sort of amusement. “Bucky for short.”

“Bucky,” you repeat with a giggle. “Cute. I like it. Also, do you need help with this?” You gesture at the smoking coffee machine, spilt puddles of the liquid dotting the kitchen platform.

“Oh, um,” he shrugs, a light pinkness dusting his cheeks. “Sure.” He watches as you grab a new mug and pour some milk into the machine. Your tongue juts out adorably as you click the buttons concentratedly. “What’s yours?”

“Y/n,” you mutter, straightening up proudly as the brown liquid starts to spout into the mug. You turn to him with an accomplished grin. “It’s working.”

“Thank you,” he chuckles, heart squeezing in his chest when you give him a wink. “Y/n. That’s a pretty name.”

Bucky swears he can see the blush on your cheeks, but it’s hard to make out with your back turned to him. You busy yourself with wiping the spilt coffee, but he hears the smile in your voice when you thank him.

You hand him his coffee before grabbing one yourself, making yourself comfortable on his couch. He leans against the platform as he talks to you.

Surprisingly, you’re not as chatty today. Perhaps you were more comfortable around him, feeling less of a need to fill the silence. He tells you about the war when you point to a picture on the wall, one from the 40s, in which his arm is slung around Steve’s shoulder. He’s glad you don’t ask about Steve.

Soon, you make to leave. “I have an appointment with a friend,” you smile apologetically as you stand, dusting yourself off. “This was fun, though.”

Bucky nods and walks you to the front door, pulling it open. “It was.”

“See you around sometime?” you ask hopefully as you pull your heels on.

He softens, voice tinged with affection. “Sure. Why don’t you come over for lunch tomorrow, if you’re free?”

“Really?” you beam. “Great. I’ll be here.”

You call out to Bucky as you make your way to the stairs, vigorously waving your hand in farewell. He gives you a small wave in return, trying his best not to smile.

[tutorialterryanduhhhummm]

" Why is everyone going on this... tumblr thing. Next I'm gonna see Jerry on here. "

[ ...Jerry is allowed to have a tumblr blog? ]

---

CURRENT EVENT: player is being possessed by hatred ohhh spooky!

HI HI HELLO!!! i saw that a bunch of people were making block tales askblogs so i decided to join in!! this is a tutorial terry and player askblog. as i am a minor, please don't be weird in the asks.

another rule about the asks, please don't vent in any asks you sent. i truly hope it gets better but i am simply somebody on the internet who wants to have fun i am not a therapist

i go by she/her, tutorial terry goes by he/him. player doesn't have any confirmed gender in the game but please refer to them with they/them here.

obviously, i cant promise ill be COMPLETELY accurate to canon, but i'll try my best

to elaborate more on the dont be weird rule-- this includes suggestive and romantic comments like "lets get married!" i know people love these characters but when these comments are said to me i feel uncomfortable. this also includes ships with characters, cause i don't want to ship any of the characters that appear in this blog. hope you understand!

magic anons/anons that physically interact with the characters are fine, but please don't do anything too drastic.

lastly, when terry talks it'll be like this:

" Bruh, where are we?? "

when player talks it'll be in second person like this:

[ You... have no idea!! ]

when hatred talks it will be like this:

SUPRISE . I AM ALSO HERE .

(note: when hatred is pretending to be player it's the same as player's normal dialogue except bold)

and actions will be like this:

| Somebody did something here. | (this will be described in second person if player is mentioned)

that's all! this post may or may not be updated. have fun!!

---

oh yeah, dni whatever you normally see on dnis and dni proship

(also if you recognize this pinned layout and are that one friend who also makes askblogs hi)

(pinned post was last updated on 19/1/25)

[a-simply-simping-simp]

Just woke up thinking about this and I need tumblr to be my therapist for a second because I just need to explain my thoughts.

When I first watched BSD (Bungo Stray Dogs), I was ok with Ranpo. I didn't like nor dislike him until I saw his backstory. The story that made most fans cry made me feel so...unsettled. It was like looking in a mirror and it scared me.

I never believed in kinning before him. Relating to an anime character? A BSD one at that? I feel like people are just projecting because it's their favorite character. Those were my thoughts. But then I met Ranpo.

I understood him. I felt what that felt like when I saw his backstory. I felt like part of me was on the screen. For the first time ever, I felt truly related to someone on the screen. It scared me a lot. I kinned a person. RANPO AT THAT.

Actually seeing a part of me I activley try to ignore and deny was a slap to the face for me. It scared me. So for a while, I avoided him. I avoided media or fan content with him in it. Of course, he's in the show, so I can't avoid him forever though. I didn't like him because he scared me.

My entire life I felt like I couldn't connect with people. Not as in I couldn't be friends with anyone, though, that is also true. I didn't understand anyone around me. To me, I was a human. I was sentient, capable of complex thoughts, and I was able to lie and "control the 'people' around me". Looking back, that was a stupid sentiment.

I was human and everyone around me was an npc. That was pretty scary for me. I didn't understand the difference between us as a child. Though I knew that everyone around me was something other than me, I only saw me and them. And if I just said a simple hello, it could become us. I miss that.

When I met Ranpo on screen, it was the moment he said it was like they were all monsters that scared me. There was something he didn't have. Something he didn't understand. That's what he thought, but in reality, it's that he's the one who has something that everyone else doesn't.

For me, it truly was just something I didn't have. And for my whole life, I've been trying to figure it out. What makes them different from me? It didn't make any sense. Everyone understood something that I didn't. Everyone had this "rule" to being a human being that I didn't know about. And that was scary.

Dazai was a bit different for me. I loved him from day -30. Literally. I watched complimations of him being stupid months before I watched the show. Years even. I didn't kin him at all and he was just a silly but complicated guy for me. But then I noticed something after realizing I kinned Ranpo.

My whole life I felt that I was the only human and everyone around me was an npc. But really, it was more that everyone around me was a human and I was...something else. I didn't know what. But it wasn't human. I mean, obviously I am physically and in every scientific way, human, but there's something missing, y'know?

Thinking about it makes me feel so cringe but I really can't explain it any other way.

I don't consider myself a Dazai kinnie because even I can't completely understand the reason he thinks himself not human. I just related a small bit to the sentiment.

So as a um...thing hiding itself as a human, I felt exposed when I was confronted with Ranpo. I eventually came to terms with it and now I like Ranpo. Though he still unsettles me because of the similarity.

So yeah. That was my vent. :)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for slowly ghosting a fwb instead of confronting him when I found out he's been stalking people again?

He (twenties, M) and I (twenties, X) knew each other from college. He's genuinely a fun guy. Also, a cis person being into you as a nonbinary person (as your gender, not despite it) in a non-fetishy way is frankly too powerful. So yeah, we started talking more some time after graduation, and it turned into a digital-only friends-with-benefits situation.

I was wary of him in college, but willing to give him a second chance. It was an open secret among our friend group that he'd stalked a couple of people he was into in college -- resulting in court ordered therapy and a restraining order and everything. I was still mentally/emotionally recovering from an abusive relationship years prior that the ex stalked me after for a few years. So you can see why it was a big deal that I gave this distant friend another chance, willing to get as close to him as I did. I guess I thought that like, the therapy had worked?

Well, fast forward to us being close after college. He doesn't know that I know about his previous two times getting nearly expelled for stalking people. I have not told him anything about my years-ago abusive relationship, but it's possible he has some awareness of it due to mutual friends. I kept firm with a boundary that he will have no more specific geographic information about me than my city, and he's certainly never learning my address. He has no way to know about my more "personal" social media like Tumblr. I am protecting myself.

But a few months into us being fwb and having fun and me repeatedly asserting my boundaries regarding irl interaction. He complains to me that someone is claiming that he's stalking them. I casually ask about the situation, assert that yeah what he's doing is shitty, he should stop, and it does sound like stalking (even though he insists it isn't). We never talk about it again.

He started showing up in my trauma nightmares, and suddenly the second chance I gave him seems like a terrible idea. So, over the next few months, I make a planned retreat. I respond less frequently, less promptly, and with less emotion. I planned out my strategy by the week to look like a natural loss of interest, or a natural "got busy with other stuff."

My logic is that he clearly has not learned to stop stalking people. I am not willing to continue exposing myself to that personal risk. But I am also not willing to say "I refuse to remain friends with an unrepentant stalker." I'm afraid that if I do that, he will get the wrong lesson: that he needs to never admit to any other friend what he's done, or else he'll lose them. The right lesson obviously would be: don't follow people to their houses after they've cut contact and don't send them letters asking whether they're living alone again yet, what the fuck. I am afraid that if I tell him why I'm ghosting, he will simply never talk about this pattern ever again, thus removing the ability of future friends like me to make informed decisions about who they're spending their time with.

We're now one year into when I fully ended contact. I did not block him. I still get two texts a week from him -- sometimes "are you okay" sometimes life updates, usually just "hey". He has made no indications that he has visited the city where I live, thank god. I have not explained to any of our mutual friends what I did. I have not talked to anyone, not my therapist not my spouse, about what I did. I am not going to speak to him again, but I am not going to block him, because I need my cutting contact to look natural.

So yeah. AITA for not making a bigger deal of his continued stalking of other people? In my mind I'm protecting myself, and reducing the likelihood he'll start hiding his nature from future friends, so this way they can be informed and protect themselves as needed. But AITA for lowkey ghosting him instead of having a serious conversation about his behavior? I know he sucks. I just don't know if I also suck.

What are these acronyms?

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - January 30

Junk food anon (new), sum it up anon (new), w anon (new), tile anon (new), angry anon (new

Junk Food Anon

Hi <3 First, I am SO sorry, this got eaten by tumblr and just appeared in my inbox now.

I am an overweight person and like...I get where you're coming from, I promise. But I also need you to know that what you're thinking about is NOT a solution. Because being overweight isn't a problem, it's a symptom. It could be a symptom of an unhealthy relationship with food or some kind of health condition, but either way, if you're trying to treat being overweight, you're not going to help yourself, because you're treating the symptom, not the actual problem.

If you say your problem is having an unhealthy relationship with food, this will just make it ten times worse. You have to try to have a HEALTHY relationship with food. Whether that be by seeing a nutritionist, a therapist, going to a support group, etc, THAT is the problem you need to focus on.

And of course, that's only if you want to! The other thing is, people regard weight as such a negative and what I've learned is...if your body is functioning fine, then your weight doesn't matter. So you really don't have to do anything if your body is healthy.

____________________________

Sum It Up Anon

whats up cass? hope your day is well!!

so there’s a lot, but ill sum it up:

basically, i have a girlfriend right? she’s super awesome, but things have been rocky recently

it started after she sent me screenshots of texts of me and another one of her friends talking about crushes (in said screenshot, i admitted that i liked her back, which was a lie and something i recognize i shouldn’t have done, but it was awkward and i didn’t know what to do)

she clearly seemed upset by it, but we were on a break when those texts were sent, so i didn’t really get why she was upset? alas i told her that it was a lie and i shouldn’t have said the lie, but throughout all of it she seemed to not believe me. we probably both weren’t in the right headspace (she texted me so and i am going through it rn) but i told her that i was giving my absolute honesty to her.

i talked to a few friends, and they threw around the word insecure a lot, which is something i keep thinking about for some reason. anyway, a few days later she texted me and asked if i was okay and if she did anything wrong. i told her that i was just going though it and she was fine.

honestly throughout all of this im starting to resent her, idek why she’s honestly so amazing i just… can’t. i feel like a piece of shit for resenting her because i truly don’t know if she’s wrong or if i am.

(bonus but something im trying to figure out: i think i might be gay??? which is a problem because i’m a man. like i lowkey hate myself for it but thats not important)

Okay so as far as the first problem, yeah it sounds like she's insecure, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's true you did nothing wrong, but she might just need reassurance that you like HER, and only her. Have you tried sitting down with her and reminding her of that?

Buuuuuuut the second problem. Well, that could definitely affect the first problem. First of all, being gay is not a problem by itself. It's okay to be gay! And I really hope you know that you don't have to hate yourself for that. But if you're not sure how you feel, or if you like your girlfriend, it might be best for you to break up with her and take some time to figure out how you feel. Remember, it's okay to like more than one gender, too!

But yeah, it might be that you need some time for self-reflection and that's totally okay and valid. Be kind to yourself, all of this is okay <3

___________________

W Anon

Hey cas

Here to vent ig? Completely new and original of me, I know.

I'm scared. About everything that's going on right now. I'm safe, I guess, cause I'm white and ostensibly straight, but I'm also a girl so maybe not so much. But I'm still scared. And angry. I'm an adult now but I wasn't back when the election happened and it feels like my future was stolen right out of my hands and I couldn't do anything about it. I'm scared for other people. Things are changing and it feels very unfixable. And there's all this bad stuff happening. And I guess I do feel a little guilty in a way, because even though I'm young and one person can't change anything and all of that, I've definitely made some choices out of fear or comfort. (Not speaking up as much as I should or not cutting off deeply bigoted friends... the like) That other people might not have the freedom to make those choices now, you know? I live in a deeply red state (tho honestly by the statics of it, in any given group of ten in my county, you have 5 who didn't vote, 2 who voted for trump, 2 for Harris, and one who voted independent, or around that. So it could have been worse? Which makes the whole thing seem stupider yk). And you hear about like people who went along with like what the nazis did and I don't want to be that! It contradicts my religious beliefs and my moral compass. But I don't really know what to do. So yeah, scared angry and guilty. And lost. This is terrible for my mental health.

Oh and I got my first college rejection yesterday. Kinda grieving a bit about that, but only to myself because I don't want my parents to know I care. It was where my dad went to school, ironically enough.

Do you listen to sad music when you're sad? I do. Or like happy music to try and change that? Idk

I hope you're well. Thanks for all you do for people. ✨️ stay cool ✨️

-W

Hi <3 I think all of what you are feeling right now is so normal and valid, and a lot of people are feeling the same way. I think the thing is, the fact that you are scared shows that you'll never be completely complacent. Just keep questioning things, you know? It's okay to make decisions to protect yourself when you're at risk, but it also is necessary sometimes to protect other people. And it's okay to make mistakes sometimes about knowing the difference. We're all human, and learning to navigate this together <3

I'm so sorry about your college rejection. I hope you get accepted to a school soon! And I tend to listen to sad music when I'm sad.

_________________

Tile Anon

Hi <3

I think the question is, IS there anything you can do? It might be that there isn't, and as horrible as it is, you have to let this go, you know? I know you want things to be the way they used to be, but it sounds like they aren't even when things are okay. It might be that you need to focus your energy on healthier relationships.

___________________

Angry Anon

Hi, sorry don't mean to bother but do you have some safer ways to calm down from being angry?

I'm dealing with an unhealthy household. I get shouted at for 'existing wrong', 'damaging everything in the house' (the furniture survived three generations before me) and even for talking to anyone. I can't leave the house unless it's for an errand, neither can sleep because I get woken up two to three times a night. every. single. day. for around two months now. I cannot sleep in the morning either because how dare I. I'm taking care of my grandma and a younger sibling and I don't wanna lash out on anyone or anything but I'm sick of things. I was meant to go to college this year but I don't think they'd let me.

I was interrupted around five times to do stuff just when writing this ahh. Sorry for venting a bit. Do you have any advice :(

Hi <3

First of all, I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm assuming moving out isn't an option?

But as far as getting anger out- I think it's a mixture of getting the mental and physical energy out. Physically, you can punch pillows, crumple and throw paper, go for walks, scream into a pillow. Mentally, you can write angry letters and not send them, vent to friends (or in my inbox), draw, or go somewhere and rant.

Also....if rage rooms are a thing near you...they're fucking amazing.

Wishing you all the luck <3

[your-local-hoemie]

Imagine our favorite gingers with a constantly sleepy s/o T-T s/o just casually falling asleep on a chair during a social event coz her social battery is non existent (this is so me)

-🐢anon

Somehow tumblr is exposing my red flags better than what my therapist did, how ya’ll outing me like this 💀

Also hELLO! Yesyesyes our favourite ginger snacks are bACK!

I legit had to do this instead of catching up with Genshin because I was doing Heizou’s hangout quest and bro had me giggling and kicking my legs istg Hoyo knew what the fuck they were doing with him and I can’t handle it.

Warnings: fluff, swearing, established relationship, gn!reader, not-proof read.

Characters: Childe, Thoma.

Childe~

Dude finds it funny

Seriously had to hold back from teasing you about it 24/7 and it’s starting to break him

Ego boost 2000

At first he was very concerned!

Thought you died again 2.0

Kept asking if you were hungry or sleeping alright since he legit thought you weren’t taking care of yourself

Which you probably wasn’t knowing ya’ll, drink some damn water.

But when you told him it was just because your social battery was akin to a decomposing gummy worm, he immediately started laughing

Him being a extrovert makes it kinda hard for him to understand why social events are exhausting for you

Even if it’s just like 30 minutes

Even so, he loves his baby and will absolutely make sure to be prepared!

Always has something on him that can double as a pillow!

If he forgets it or can’t find anything then he’ll lean you against his arm or lap

He’s so casual about it too 💀

Unless he’s feeling like a lil’ shit and decides to tease you.

If you’re embarrassed about it or feel insecure about not keeping up with his ungodly amount of energy then he’ll be quick to put your mind at ease!

There’s nothing you could do that would make this man embarrassed by you

Gets suuuper cocky and proud when people look at you snoozing away against him

Mans just like-

“Yeah, I know you wish you were me right now”

If someone complains or gets annoyed by it then well

I think we all know the drill by now

He’ll help them take a nice nap too

Permanently

Or at least make em wish they could take the forever nap

Sometimes if the event or meeting is super boring which it usually is for him he’ll get lost staring at your face and admiring all your pretty features~

Ends up feeling bad when he has to wake you up but loves seeing your groggy face change from confused to panic within seconds

Usually ends up with you hitting him because he didn’t wake you up

Which usually ends up accidentally encouraging him to take you home so you can “rest” in bed >;)

Thoma~

You’re so lucky omg you have no idea

He got so concerned when he noticed you acting kinda off during a outing during one of his days off

Boy kept a super close eye on you and made sure you all stopped to eat just because he thought you had forgot to eat ;-;

when you ended up falling asleep on his shoulder he was fROZEN

Like you know when an animal falls asleep on you and you legally can’t move?

That

He panicked

After he tried slightly nudging you he simply just accepted his fate

After this happens a couple more times he eventually figured it out!

He’s good at being social given his close relationship with the Kamisato clan but he prefers keeping to himself a lot

So he’d definitely be able to understand!!

Knows how to help you recharge quickly too!!

He also grew used to you taking naps randomly when your energy was completely used up and prepared for it~

Very similar to Childe in that aspect!

Though he’s get too flustered to let you lay on his lap in public jkfjdkdkk

When it’s time to go he’ll wake you up by softly kissing your cheek or brushing it with his finger while gentle sitting you up

Doesn’t even give you a reason to feel insecure about it!

He’s so sweet and gentle that he’s just naturally comforting to be around

Always reassures you even if he thinks there’s even a slight chance of you feeling guilty ;-;

Occasionally calls you his sleepy angel if you’re being particularly cute!

If anyone gets mad about it he’ll simply tell them that if it’s annoying then you can both just leave

Has zero patience with anyone who dares to get mad at you for things you can’t help

When you both get home after a draining day he’ll make sure you’re all nice and tucked up in bed while he makes dinner

Please show him how much you appreciate him istg this boy is so precious

Look at me being productive uwu

Seriously how do people have the energy to just be social and not pass out the first chance you get it genuinely scares me-

[adaptacy]

It’s the anon with the Yearbook!Reader. Honestly surprised that was pumped out so fast with such quality, I was giggling when I read it ngl. Anyways, I am here to put forth another request for you to choose to do.

Got pretty boy Leland first.

Thinking about Leland and his S/O just relaxing in bed. Soft kisses, nice lil cuddles, some of that fluffy shi. My main point to this was called Leland pretty boy and just like, praising him. Give him all that TLC, babes deserves it.

(Could make it angst/comfort with Leland being insecure about scars he has after the Sawyer family incident, but just praising him for no reason is valid as hell)

It’d be chill if I sent several requests at the same time, yeah? I dont wanna fill up your request box, but I love your writing (Leland especially) and just have so many ideas at times. I also didn’t expect my request to be answered same day, usually takes a while, I’m willing to wait a week or two yknow.

-Kuhuahua

im- i- ik i havent been active on tumblr (ive been rping tcsm on discord <3) but i heard 1 song and it made me think of this request and then i rly wanted to write it SO here we go!

TW: aaaaaaangst with extra angst on the side.

Song recs: When You Gonna Run - Alpha Rev

He never talked about them. You understood why. Honestly, you doubted that he even spoke to his therapist about them. It's been four years. Even now, he still flinches when they're grazed, he whispers out quiet, "Not there, sweetheart," his voice tainted with a somber desperation, genuine hurt. You weren't sure if the pain was physical or emotional. Maybe both.

Four years and he still got teary-eyed if you asked about them, or referenced the incident at all. You'd learned not to, even if you did wish he would open up to you. For the first year that you were dating him you'd just assumed that he would talk about them when he was ready. But then the year came to an end. And so did the second one. And now, at 29 months with him, you'd stopped wishing. Gotten used to the shrugs and the soft sighs, the disdain in his gaze when you inquired about it.

So you didn't bring it up. But you knew he thought about it. Knew he felt it. Not talking about it was easy enough, after a while. But being close with him was hard. Physically close, that is. Every brush of your hand in the wrong spot, or a kiss on the wrong hand, touching your forehead a little to hard against the slit in his eyebrow-

29 months, and you still felt like shit for being unable to remember every single one of his scars. Every single placement- the big ones you could remember. But the small ones spanning the rest of his body, snips of horrors on his arms and the dots of regret on his torso, were impossible to map out.

He sat, watching the movie, next to you, one of his knees bent up to his chest while the other leg hung off of the couch, his chin propped up with one hand, his elbow resting on the cushioned arm of the loveseat, his other arm outstretched next to him, where his hand intertwined with yours.

The ones on his hands weren't bad. There were three on this one, tiny marks that you were surprised hadn't healed. You'd overheard the reason why; the second time you'd joined him at one of his doctor's appointments they'd mentioned him overworking himself, reopening the wounds. You wondered if they still hurt when he worked out.

Without thinking much of it, you scooted closer to him, only a few inches, and you snuck under his arm so that it hung off of your shoulder, though you refrained from leaning against him. He didn't react aside from a small squeeze of your hand. You lifted that hand and pushed a kiss to the back of it, earning his attention.

You didn't meet his eye. You didn't want to see the distant, aching hazel behind the kindness he usually showed. Didn't want to see the microscopic frown that tugged at his lips, you didn't want to see his chest rise and fall with another one of his dejected sighs. You just wanted to kiss him.

So you did, starting at the back of his hand and moving up, your mouth brushing against his arm just under another scar, your eyes closing. This time, it was you who sighed, and you took a gamble, moving your lips up and kissing the coarse patch of skin you'd avoided.

"Baby," he muttered, his voice tainted with the same sadness it held any time he was forced upon a reminder of his past. You didn't reply, nor did you stop, moving up to a different scar, this one closer to his shoulder, repeating the same for this one. A kiss, soft and lingering, before you pulled your head up and finally leaned it against his side.

"I think they're pretty."

There wasn't any reason you'd said it. Just that you'd felt it. And the words came to you, so you gifted them. Leland was quiet for a few minutes. His jaw rested against your temple, both of your heads turned towards the tv, though neither of you were really watching.

Whether he was insecure of them, or if they were still tender, or if they reminded him of the past, or, hell, all of it- they didn't change the way you saw him. Didn't change the way you loved him. You were with him to be with him, every part of him that you could manage to get a hold of. It was okay that he kept some things locked away.

You didn't understand, but you knew why. It was hard. Too difficult for him to remain cheerful when he thought about it. Too difficult to be perfect. Too difficult to feel like he was doing the right thing.

"I know you're hurt."

You couldn't stop yourself.

"I know I'm not ever gonna understand like you do. I know we're always gonna be distant. I know you don't like thinking about it."

But...

"I still love you. It was in the past. And I love you for your past, Lee. And I love you for our future, too. And- I love you right now, in the present."

He stayed quiet, though he leaned against your head a little more, his arm bringing you a bit closer.

"I think they're handsome. And... they're you, so I love them. I love every part of you. Even the scary parts, or the sad parts, or the parts you think are ugly. I love all of you."

At last, you looked up at him, just as he brought a hand to his cheek, wiping away a stray tear. His lip trembled as he looked down at you, but they trembled into a smile, a sad one, like a kicked puppy, but a smile nonetheless. You raised a hand too, cupping his jaw and brushing your thumb under his eye, which pulled a broken chuckle from him, and he sniffled, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," you whispered.

"Please, don't be," he replied, his voice cracking as he leaned into your palm, fighting to hold back. You scooted back, and he followed you, laying his head against your shoulder, a soft whine escaping him as he cried.

"I'm always gonna be here. I'm not gonna run. Not gonna leave you for your past. I- I just love you, Leland." Your arms wrapped around his neck as you held him close, resting your chin on his head as he cried, and you gently hushed him, doing your best to reassure.

He didn't often cry. Not to you. Sometimes, on his own time, or when you were pretending to be asleep, you could hear him. But he didn't want to push any of his weight onto you. Didn't want to burden you.

"I can shoulder some of it, y'know. Just cause you can lift a lot of weight doesn't mean you need to do it alone," you hummed, your words lighthearted despite being completely genuine. "I'm right here. I'm here to do it together. Here to be here- here to be yours."

You didn't expect a reply, but he gave one, weak and pained, snagging on his tears, an "I love you," short but sweet. You hugged him closer, leaning down to kiss another scar on the top of his back, and he didn't ask you not to, he didn't flinch, he just let it happen.

"You're perfect, Lee. Scars and all."

[la-principessa-nuova]

Oh yeah, I had the first case today of truly feeling like a fraud trying to boymode.

Which needs a little clarification because obviously I felt like a fraud trying to boymode my whole life up until starting to transition, but there was this particular feeling that I had before when girlmoding that just happened with boymoding.

On my consultation call with my therapist (back in April), they called me by my new name. This was the first time someone did that aloud, and it caught me off guard. I suddenly felt like a fraud, like I’d been lying to them. Like I had been feeling like I was being so open and then BAM, I realize I’ve been using this name I made up.

That faded and now for the most part hearing my new name sounds normal. It ebbs and flows a little depending on how much boymoding I’ve been doing, but for the most part, it feels more like my name than my deadname does.

But today I joined a work call, and I’d been on Tumblr waiting for it to start, and suddenly I, Sabrina, look up from Tumblr and snap into work land where I am <deadname> and I opened my mouth and couldn’t speak for a second, because it just hit me like a ton of bricks like a panic that I was a fraud and how could I, Sabrina, possibly pass as this guy they were expecting.

[carmenized-onions]

review

chip is the biggest fourth wall breaker and i love it for her - time is definitely linear 100% we didn’t just read a tenet vibe flashback forward around and sideways episode that isn’t what happened?

her and carmy are so skinny not breaking the counter

any shoes left undropped? oh how i love your continued motifs

BEFORE YOU KNEW ME YOU CALLED ME CARMY???? completely and utterly feral. she found him charming!!! teehee. she is such a tumblr girl #parasocialrelationshipvibes

she found him charming teehee

chip is simultaneously the second most awkward and the least awkward and carmy is consistently the most awkward

okay the car incident was a month ago, good to know because the fever dreams are ongoing

promised to ask you out (when he’s mentally stable) LOL WHENS THAT HAPPENING

god you are so good at talking about throats i never knew that the feeling of someone’s throat could make me feel emotions

HE IS A MORON oh my god but he isn’t a bad guy (tumblr needs to see this after their comments on season 3 carmy)

carmy i beg do the fucking work i need you two to have sex now x

i love the way i can’t exactly tell who’s thoughts these are/ the respective it’s being written from - like some lines are so chip then some are so carmy and some are also giving me michael vibes (could be completely off parr with this and you didn’t intend for me to read into it this much).

for example

- [ ] “you squint like he’s a moron” is so chip, but then the “he is” is so mikey

- [ ] and then the “of course you want him to change” is so carmy and the “he sucks” is so mikey

stop thinking about food carmy oml wrap it up,

oh carmy you could definitely be better but

NO CHIP YOU COULD NOT BE BETTER NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT “insert rodrick saying deny deny deny”

jk chip is a flawed character but also so likeable and that’s why we love her

the peoples princess did go hard to be fair this is so random but my ex boyfriend always said i was a fixer like chip but he never called me the peoples princess and the reason why is insane… HE DIDNT KNOW WHO PRINCESS DIANA WAS. bear in mind this boy was a fucking genius, going to one of the hardest degrees at a very good school and we are both british how in hell do you not know who princess diana is you fucking weirdo

i knew he was a making a dish in his head, and what does he do, go and prove me right and make a dish in his head

ITS EASIER TO MAKE THINGS WHEN THEY ARE FOR YOU,,,,, ABOUT YOU WTF

me with a chronic nail biting problem and a therapist 👁️👄👁️

you are both little morons i need richie (ideally mikey but that’s obvs no possible) to come and tell you this

finally they are back in sync

this proving yourself thing is kind of crazy but it’s also carmen so EVENTUALLY THANK GOD

it is definitely weird to have the same therapist

the cat analogy is so good i feel it in my bones

i would say i love you tbf, too soon but she was MIKEYS PICK

such a cat response

i’m glad we have reaffirmed that she will still work there because i need to see this happen

with you??? wtf do you mean you two need labels istg

he has receipts like idk what to tell you it’s fucking carmy and when it comes to chip he’s finna be in the pit (be prepared)

my reaction to carmy v fields…. oh yeah:

- THIS IS TOO GOOD WTAF

- i needed this. i needed this so fucking much

- WALK HIM LIKE A FUCKING DOG

- THIS WAS ON THE FUCKING ROADTRIP - GOD I WISH I WAS THERE RVEN FUCKING MORE WYG

-GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING CHEKHOVS GUN

- i was chilling with dirty details and NOW ITS THIS YOU ARE AMAZING

- head of the head of the head IN THEIR HEADS

- PROZAC RIDDLED FUCKS LIKE ME… are you actually on prozac… no?

- WHY IS FAK BERE?? GO FUCKING HOME

- best friend FAK? we will talk about best friend fak later

- i love this website commentary- i had to make a website once and it was the worst experience of my life

- of course chip would learn web design

- GET HIM CARMEN FUCKINF GET HIS ASSSSSS

- WE DONT PLAY IN CHICAGO (this is so my city vs london in the uk)

- ROAD TRIP SQUAD OH MY FUCKING GOD

- i was wondering what he meant by dusty and dead… i get it now

- tip your servers and don’t ask for their numbers

- one thing richie believes is fuck the feds (even the paramedics)

*deep breath*,,, moving on

they need to kiss rn like they just do while he imagines food she imagines drinks. i would say i love you? so just fucking say it AND FUCKING KISS ALREADY

your writing, like it really is fucking amazing

oh my god

THEY KISSED TEEHEE TEHEE I AM LITERALLY KICKING MY FEET

i love the bear fandom all uniting on the fact that carmy likes having his hair pulled. like there is one consistency across all fanfictions and it is that carmy will whine when someone pulls on his hair

*chekovs gunshot* she gets headaches when she smokes, she likes the taste of his mouth, he wants to fly her to paris. these were all in one sentence YOU ARE TOO GOOD

“I want you to be permanent and carved in my tables and I want you to wear my jackets and I want you in my kitchen and in my menu and in every dumb fucking conversation I have at Christmas tellin’ family what the fuck I’m doing— I want you in every sentence.”

i’m going to do a full analysis on this… this is fucking literature i don’t know what else to say.

FAK GO AWAY I WANT THEM TO FUCK COME ON DUDE

another thing consistently in the best fanfic. carmen is a biter

the mood is not dead FUCK ALREADY

i was so worried the vibe ending would be the end of the chapter and i would have cried THANKYOU FOR WRITING SO MUCH I LOVE YOU AND YOUR RIDICULOUS WORD COUNTS

SYD IS HER OLD CAT, this is why her and carmy are so good as coworkers

you are genuinely unbelievable

“get your weird little hands off my chip you perv “they’re not weird little hands” “why is that what you dispute” they are children

i don’t feel that i can really say anything on how you wrote the scene of richie and chip after because it cannot suffice in saying how good you are at this

go away dee dee i just got a smudge of happiness

oh sugar how i’ve missed you

the. first. christmas. without. mikey.

only the girls who babysat get chip

fucking rich boy carmy thinks he’s bad now he got payed. OKG I SAID THIS BEDORE I RVEN READ THE CHARMIN LINE WE ARE THE SAME (jk you are better than me)

he wants her soooo bad

OH MY GOD. she is making him watch ratatouille. carmen you literally are a weird rat . like you are THE WEIRD RAT

of course she’s a makeup cleansing balm user that is my queen bitch. also she wants to wear converse she’s so cringe i love her

he wants her on his team!?!!

aw he’s thinking a normal carmy amount like he’s helping her plan outfits and he’s ensuring they include her accent colour so say yes to being on his team pls

yeah carmy wants the apron to be easy to take off too LOL

richie the certified on god boy

you are the queen of stupid and meaningless (not stupid at all) stuff that is actually very meaningful

he is so big brother energy (richie)

the younger siblings taking turns to sit in the console i love this it is so real

they say they’ll be happy about it but they’ll curse you behind your back

you recognise all of it. it’s nearly enough to make you cry. - ouch

HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE. HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE 10 TIMES

AND DONE

this chapter was the emotional relief i needed fuck

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT FUCKING TIME IT IS!!!!!!!

sometimes. we simply need a reminder that time is linear LMAO. listen. is it fourth wall breaking or just dissasocciation? Maybe both. Maybe it's mabelliyne.

NOT SKINNY LMAOOO as a plus size girl, I truly was considering writing in somewhere a moment of Chip awkwardly having to crawl up on the counter (how do people do just jump on the thing? i do not have that power)

I fear I'll never let go of my shoe motif. I fear I'll actually never let it drop.

Parasocial Chip my beloved,,, man I gotta write blurbs of her in her crush era when she didn't know Carm yet. SOMEONE REQUEST IT How are you NOT supposed to find this Denmark Virgin with a LOT of jean jackets hot??!?!?! he's charming!!! also you're BOTH losing at the not-awkward-lympics.

i truly have to reastablish the timeline by saying 'month ago' because if i dont i will truly forget where we are in time. i'm almost certain i've gotten dates wrong anyways. it's fine, the revisions will fix it alright it's fine.

THANK YOU I TRY TO TALK ABOUT THROATS IN A FUN WAY. I guess honestly I feel emotional in my throat, when I get emotional. Like. If I get mad or sad or guilty, it sort of closes up a bit? Feels hollow? And did I assume everyone's throat does that? yeah possibly. but it worked out.

i do NOT engage in da tumblr discourse much, esp when it comes to hating characters in general, but I hope everyone has eased up on my boy since taking a step back. Man is going through a lot. I also just think like man, I have certainly not been the most cognizant of other's needs when I'm in a stage or high stress fight or flight--- And certainly if those needs aren't made clear--- dog, I'm doublin down!!! that's truly the biggest difference I think with CK and The Bear diverging--- We communicate in dis house.

LMAOOOOO I DID FORGET WHILE REREADING THAT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT NOTE YOU DEMANDED THEY FUCK, yeah that's fair. I keep thinking it's gonna happen and pushing it honestly. these assholes are gonna get married before they get down with it, good lord. someone get them a room that isn't a bathroom.

also this Mikey thing. with the thoughts. was honestly so mindblowing. I know that's weird because I'm the writer, but I see what you're saying completely!! I've always had this weird style of like, second persion omniscient where it's Chip but sometimes I move in terms of the stream of consciousness to being her or someone else or no one; and the idea of that stream of consciousness being by in part, Mikey?? OHHHHH OHHHHHH BABBYYYY Totally puts so much stuff in a different context and I love it. canon it. canon it. i didn't come up with it but canon it.

DENY !! DENY!! CHIP THAT'S NOT YOU IN THE PHOTO!! I'm so glad people think chip is flawed. I know that's literally insane to say but I've had this horrific habit of categorizing flaws in my head as 'good flaws' and 'bad flaws', and 'good flaws' are the ones that make everyone elses life better and your life worse.

so.

need to seek a therapist about that a little bit. C

INSANE TO BE ALIVE LET ALONE BRITISH AND NOT KNOW WHO LADY DI IS???? but yknow what home boy probably wouldn't even be creative enough to say 'peoples' princess' as a diss. carmen/me ate with that.

when is this fucker not cooking. it's like that scene in Tick Tick Boom but romantic and NOT sad and bad. IT'S NICE TO BE THE ARTIST AND ARTIST AND MUSE AND MUSE ALRIGHT it's frankly my ideal relationship

bro i RIP my free edge of my nails off all the time when they get too long, and pick at my cuticle skin. I feel you. I dont have a therapist just yet but I feel you.

If Mikey was still alive to see his OTP happen, I truly don't know how he'd react. I think he'd be losing his mind in silence. Like has to put his fist in his mouth so he doesn't scream and ruin it.

I'm so glad the cat analogy was good, while writing it I was like "i wonder if this is anything" i'm glad it's something.

Fields v Berzatto was fun to write. It's what I think, if he was hyped up enough, what Carmen would do after having that S3 Finale talk with Fields. Like very much so when you leave an interaction and you're at home hours later like FUCK. i could've said this and this and this and this. And this is his moment to do so!!

Website talk truly comes from me having to make my own portfolio 3 separate times. I hated it. No one ever make me update my shit again.

I AM chekov's gun, but also it's just plot. i think we're just talking about plot progression LMAO

FELLAS IS IT CRAZY TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN BEEN DATING FELLAS? FELLAS ANSWER ME. FELLAS.

the "i'm going to do a full analysis... i don't know what to say" made me laugh so fucking hard. continuing on. NEIL 'COCKBLOCK' FAK EVERYONE, thank you neil for once again saving me from having to write intimacy, you're my hero

man if i need to end at 20 chapters like i'm goaling to, THESE CHAPTERS NEED TO BE LONGGG I HAVE TO GIVE SO MUCH. so. this pattern of ridiculous word counts continues.

the two cats!! feline gang. get your PAWS off MY CHIP!!!

Can I just. so briefly touch on. I know my timeline is off in CK, because I think it's May/March 2023 in S3? Can't remember. It was dated in episode 2. But like. I am so mad about this. Because that means they skipped/didn't acknowledge:

November 15th, Mikey's birthday, first one without him. (Which, fun fact, and incidental, timeline wise in CK, this would probably be the day Carmen/Chip met since it's mid-late December for them?)

The First Christmas Without Mikey.

AND February 22nd, his Death Anniversary. are you fucking KIDDING ME? WE JUST SKIPPED ALL OF THIS IN THE RENO SKIPS? ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME? THESE ARE SUCH INTEGRAL MOMENTS. NOW I HAVE TO MAKE EM UP MYSELF?!?!?! HELP ME OUT STORER PLEASE.

anyways. carmen thing's he's bad or wtv. too bad he's a weird rat.

i think carmen honestly loves dress up. like he owned so many jean jackets and jeans and also lived in denmark and New York. Like. he'd love to style Chip, truly. also wants her to be on his team and have an easily removable apron but that's neither here nor there.

I love stupid and meaningless that is deep with meaning!!! that's my memo baby that's my number!!

HE RAN INTO MY KNIFEEEEEE WATCH THE TAPES BACK HE KIND OF DID.

I would say more, but I HAVE to go put together chapter 15 and put it out for you. this is all to say thank you so much for your thoughts i remember reading them in the morning and gigglin and being late for work. good times. i always love to read your brain!!

[goldenpinof]

Idk if any of your anons needs to hear that BUT

First: I relate to everyone who feels awkward, not sure etc don't think they will communicate with anyone. Like I got into them in early 2020 when I moved to another country alone, pandemic etc I had suddenly found a new hyper fixation which helped me to get through the rough times. I mean everybody know the following years were even worse. So now I want to go, but I was lurking for so long and I'm not sure that I can be considered a fan? (even tho I'd consider myself one). Like I feel kinda guilty for taking someone's place? Don't ask, I'll leave this discussion for my therapist. But at the same time I want to experience it cuz I'm not sure if there will ever be a chance? So meet the second part of my ramble:

Second: I'm hugely experienced with going "on tour", I mean following someone on tour. Like with the certain band/musician from this band who's got multiple projects, I'm very deep in the fandom for almost 20 years (gosh I'm old. Oh btw there's another fear, I'll be 36 by the time of the tour and that's why I stick by Tumblr not Twitter, at least I don't feel like I'm close to the age of someone's parents), that I just know the first 200 people who queue for the this person's/band's gigs from the 4 am and I feel so at home there that meeting someone new have never been a problem. So it's like not something alien to me, but still too many new people and I can't even discuss it with anyone irl. So yeah

But this is there my thought was actually going: why are people so surprised that someone want to go to a few dates?! Like from the gigs experience I just know every single one feels different and I'm sure every single show will feel unique too. And it's the people yeah.

So I apologise Kate for using your box as my cancelled therapy session and talking SO MUCH.

i thought you were referring to the Antwerp/Frankfurt anon. you had me in the first half, not gonna lie!

you're not taking someone else's place. like, there are gonna be hunger games, but probably only for VIP, and only because we're a bit crazy. i really hope we don't break any website, and AXS isn't gonna decide to repeat the wad taping situation. ultimately, we're in the same position no matter how much people like to threaten each other because some left the phandom and then returned 😂

anyway, yeah! i'm turning 30 in the middle of the tour. so if everything goes well, i'm gonna see them when i'm 29 and then 30. speaking of old, that's fucking devastating!

each show is different, and travelling is cool. so, i very much get people who go to multiple shows. like, enjoy life while you can, you know 🫶

[peppermintstarsonamintyway]

alright!! art backlog time, of the stuff i am at least proud of and willing to post! :D

first off, p5r doodles!

i got a friend of mine the game and suffice to say we both cried at the end :'D the second doodle is of me and her, or at least our usual personas! me in akechi's outfit and her with the protagonist's, since akechi is my personal favorite character. the first doodle is just futaba-

as you maybe can see my style, or at least my methods of drawing, have changed a little bit! i feel more comfortable doing more art at once, so i may possibly finally get to work on the fresh dough comic! (yeah i forgot to mention but it got put on hold- eheh- my apologies folks ;-;)

continuing! dnd doodles! which includes bg3 (baldur's gate 3)-

first off on the dnd agenda, we have takuto! a therapist npc i've set up for one of the two parties we have in the campaign i'm co-dming for!

bonus points go towards his mythical ferret

her name is rumi! no she is not like this normally-

this npc is in fact an entire p5r reference and was in a way made solely to torment that one friend i got p5r, who coincidentally we had finished maruki's palace the day before the session this guy showed up in, so that's fun!

speaking of that friend, i also have art of her character for the campaign!

tsuki! a cutie patootie ain't he? :3

if my dear friend happens to log onto tumblr, she can feel free to ramble about tsuki on her own time, it is not my responsibility to ramble about her character after all!

and last but not least for dnd related things, my bg3 durge!

lavinie!! naturally i'm not someone that go five seconds without modding a game, so rather than a normal tielfing, i've modded her in a set of cambion wings and am pretending she is as such! :D

and now, for the moment you all have been surely dreading- actually well no, hold on, one last thing before dandy's world doodles!

my frequently mentioned in this post friend's fursona!

this is just the gif, i have a still one with the mouth open, but nonetheless i am still proud of this! this and the other one were made for recording purposes, to go with my usual use of reactive when recording!

alright NOW for what y'all have been dreading,

dandy's world doodles!

i need to finish up the holiday event before it heads out, but nonetheless i'm quite happy with all these doodles! even the little bell oc!

i beg of all of thee not to mind how astro uh, *looks-* IT'S INNOCENT I SWEAR, WITHOUT THE STAR SHAPED BLUSH HE'S JUST BEING MOODY- on the note of when initially drawing that, i was going to add his extra arms, however positioning them was a suffering a little too great for me to take, so instead he uh, does not have them :'D

they're just tucked under his clothing it's fine-

but either way, that's all for what i have for the moment! i will be back to posting cookie run again soon, given presumable eternal sugar will be out next update, so i'll have something to look forward to! just uh, give me a few, *months-*, possibly, maybe-

i won't tag stuff, i've no energy to, just typing all this much has me remembering why i crawled back in my shell- but disregarding that, if folks would like me tag all this so they can filter it, please feel free to tell me and i'll tag the important stuff!

with that out of the way- eugh i'm exhausted and i have more work than i would like cut out for me-

for the moment, i'll be back to the void, probably to take a nap, until then may we journey safely through, uhm, i dunno avernus??? faerun??? i'm not sure-

either way folks that are heading to bed may you rest well and folks that are just waking up may you have a good morning-

i'm going back to bed i've done too much talking today-

[tennisdadsaficionado]

Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, having autism and/or ADHD is not actually super fun, it doesn't make a person all ~quirky, and it is absolutely not a super power. You know what is it? Fucking disabling is what.

Like, yes, I know I joke that the reason I've been able to write SO MUCH fic since August is because of the ADHD. And yes, it is. But then what needs to be taken into consideration is the cost. I'm hyperfixated on tennis, on Jannik, on the RPS side of things - all separte hyperfixations combining into one mush in my brain. When I start writing, I then hyperfocus on that at the expense of pretty much anything else. I've stopped all my other hobbies, I normally read c.10 books a month and I've read hardly anything in months. I haven't touched the new Stardew or Palia updates. I'm struggling to concentrate on schoolwork because my brain full of tennis. I've had to get an extension on my first assignment because of it. And like, it's never mattered before if I don't do the housework because I live on my own and no-one sees... except now there's another person and expectations and feeling like I'm letting her down.

But hey, I'm writing loads of fic!

It's all I can think about. Which is fine when I'm hanging out in the online bubble, when I'm on Tumblr, or chatting on Discord, or (and I can't believe this one because its very un-me) when I'm having conversations with the friends I think I'm making in fandom. Because we're talking about tennis or fandom or fic. That's fine.

But outside of fandom spaces? At home? Or in work? I don't feel like I know how to talk about anything other than tennis because it's all I can think about because it's all in my head and its getting super fucking frustrating to be quite honest.

And Li's a fandom person, obviously, and she's a slasher. But tennis isn't her fandom and she doesn't do RPS and I don't know how she isn't completely fed up of me right now tbh

I've always been relatively masked at work - don't get me wrong, I've never been 'normal' but I've always done a relatively good impression of 'person who works in an office'. I lost my mask during COVID and uhh the people I work with have had to deal with an unmasked hyperfixated Cassie who - on the second day of their new job - got up at 4am to watch Jannik in the USO. Like, logically, I recognise that this was not a sensible decision. However...

I understand the how and why of the hyperfixation. I lost my job, I got a new job, I left my flat, I moved 200 miles and moved in with Li. I lost my physical safe space. I'm still working on curating my physical safe space - it's getting there but I don't have one and there's still a big part of my brain that gets super upset and just wants to go home.

So my brain *created* a virtual safespace. And it's apparently called Jannik Sinner.

I also have what my therapist calls 'a low uncertainty threshold', and I'm really not good with things not going the way they're expected. So like I preplan any journey, if I eating out I've checked the menu before and know what I'm going to eat and it's a little world ending if they're out of whatever I've picked.

Lets take today's tennis for example. Carlos did... pretty terribly, lets be honest, and Clippy (he's trying to help but he gets it wrong... so Clippy. Yay anthropomorphosising my anxiety/depression/neurosparkly) did not know how to cope. He (and therefore me) kinda just stuttered to a stop, I had to run to the office loo to have a cry and then spent the best part of two hours doing soft-office-level stimming to process an unexpected. There was chair spinny and playing with my infinity cube and listening to some happy Cassie music. Two hours of brain struggle. Because *checks notes* a boy lost a tennis match.

Logically, recognise that this is kind of ridiculous and over reacting. However brain just could not process the unexpected event.

So yeah. Not a super power. Kinda disabling. Really fucking annoying.

[a-frog-in-a-bog]

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/resources/ace-report

I politely suggest you read it before you make the assumption that is aros and aces don't have problems to face.

If you don't believe us after reading the whole thing, fine, but remember that bigots don't care about our specific identities as to them we are all worth hurting; We all have the same face of hate against us, so whether you like it or not, we're fighting together

Just, give it a read; I promise it'll be worth it.

first i'd like to thank you for being polite and linking an actual source, it's the first time in all my years on tumblr that someone hasn't just plugged their ears and screamed "everyone is valid!!!" so genuinely, thank you. second, the point i was making was that aces and aros don't face systemic oppression, not that they don't have any problems. i'm gonna add and respond to some excerpts i found interesting for anyone who cares / doesn't have time to read the report themselves:

i would've liked to see a further clarifying question on this study about what kind of negative reaction the respondents feared. the only examples given were the above and similar, but we don't know what kind of negative reactions LGBT people anticipated. was it also just intrusive questions, or did they consider negative reactions to be physical violence, being fired, being killed, or being kicked out of their home? would a lesbian respondent consider "so which one of you is the man?" to be a negative reaction or an ignorant one? we have no way of knowing if ace and LGBT respondents had the same criteria for what constitutes a negative reaction

this is wildly unprofessional and would also make me (and i'm betting plenty other people) uncomfortable! not sure why this is presented as a micro-aggression against ace people when it's just inappropriate in general?

another one i would've liked a follow-up question to. is this because ace people are uncomfortable coming out at work or because there just hasn't been a reason to bring up lack of sexual attraction at work?

yeah! i agree! although i'm not sure why this is presented as what an ace-inclusive workplace would look like instead of what a... normal workplace should look like?

this is literally just misogyny. the same shit happens to gay and straight women (also as an aside, pain during pap smears is entirely dependent on personal pain tolerance and anxiety, it's different for everyone and has nothing to do with whether or not you've had sex before. just like how tight or loose a vagina is has nothing to do with how much sex you have. not trying to discredit the woman here, just didn't want to spread misinformation)

this is horrible, and obviously asexuality needs to be taught alongside hypoactive sexual desire disorder in med school so healthcare professionals can tell the difference between the two, as it seems most if not all of these examples stem from doctors and therapists either not knowing the difference or being confused about what asexuality is (since this study is from the UK i'm interested to know if ace people in other countries have had similar experiences, and if asexuality is taught in med school in other places)

again, thank you for sharing! it was very informative and i'll admit i wasn't aware that some ace people face medical discrimination, so i learned something new :) as i've said before, the LGBT and ace communities are a venn diagram, especially where LGBT ace folk are concerned. they're not completely overlapping but not completely separate. most marginalized communities overlap in some way. i know i said this at the start of my reply but it bears repeating-- while everything asexuals faced listed in this report ranged from mildly annoying to downright traumatizing, it's still not an organized legal attempt to criminalize, well, not feeling sexual attraction... and there weren't any hate crimes against aces... do you see what i'm getting at

[dearwriters]

Do you have any tips or advice for people with ADHD that struggle with writing?

ADHD writing advice?

I have been asked this before and the last time I said this:

I am NOT the person to ask about advice when it comes to ADHD management. That's something very individual and different things work for different people and I'm in no way qualified to speak on that.

Now, I am currently myself in talks with my therapist about me having some form of ADHD/ADD (which, you know... makes sense of a lot of things in retrospect). This being said: I am still no expert on the topic and especially not on your specific brain. We all work a bit different. I too struggle with writing a lot and I found that for me it's all about figuring out how my brain likes things. And isn't that the universal ADHD struggle?

I hyperfixate on stuff and then I burn out, so I need to account for that by

a) always having my phone with me so I can write down ideas, sentences, whole scenes whenever they hit me, because unless I am so obsessed with them that I can't stop thinking about them, I will simply not remember them and I will KNOW that I had something great I can't remember now and it will drive me bonkers.

b) figuring out how much planning I need to do. I personally need an outline (I call it "The Murder Board Method") to stay focused, but it can't be too detailed or I will loose interest. That's something very specific to the individual, I've seen people talk about instantly loosing interest the second they finished an outline, so lots of ADHD writers seem to be discovery writers.

c) allowing myself to write what I am excited about. Sometimes writing may seem like a bit of a chore when you are not motivated to write the scene you are currently working on. So I allow myself to jump around and write the scenes I am currently obsessed with. Sometimes that means only writing bits and pieces and later glueing them together. It can get disorganized but it's way more fun for me that way.

d) accepting that I will never have a routine, because my brain struggles with routines. So, while I often recommend people to build a writing routine, because it helps a lot of people, I myself just can't do it. Like, seriously, after 10 years of having to take medication every day, I still need a reminder on my phone! I actually also have reminders on my phone to remind me of going to the bathroom or drink water once in a while...

So yeah, bonus tip: set yourself reminders to take breaks while writing in case you are hyperfocusing and can't register that your bladder is actually in distress.

e) figuring out how to get in the zone. Something that helps me a lot with that is finding the right music. I spend a lot of time looking for songs with the right "vibe" I want to emulate, and sometimes I spend like... hours, listening to the same song on repeat. I also, when I struggle really bad, try to just sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Zero filter, zero censoring, stream of consciousness. Just write down your whole thought process. Even if you write ten times “I don’t know what to write”. Sometimes it feels like uncorking a bottle of champagne that build up a lot of pressure and suddenly it just all spills out. Furthermore I found that engaging with writing content (like here on tumblr for example) gets me back into my excitement about the writing itself!

f) making a game out of it. I like checking things off a to do list. So by making little goals for myself and being able to chek them off, it kinda gives me a feeling of accomplishment and I can get myself a treat :)

So yeah, this might be very unhelpful for you, but maybe it will help someone out there.

Have fun writing!

[mister13eyond]

Any tips on how to silence the "don't tell people you feel sorry/you wish them to get better/you understand them because if you do you're the most tactless inconsiderate monster to walk on earth and you should feel bad for yourself" voices in my head?

Because me growing up on tumblr meant that teenage me had internalized all the poor counseling tips HARD and every time somebody opens up to current me I enter a stupor because wow, what do I say to them? Surely they'll hate me if I say I'm sorry

And like, from personal experience, how many times have I flipped out at people who told me they're sorry or everything will be alright when I opened up to them? That's right, zero. And how many times have I re-read my awkward tumblr lingo ridden attempts at counseling and thought to myself "damn this is the most awkward thing I've ever said. I should have told them something like "I feel you, everything will be alright". It would have been a lot better I think."? Wayyyy too many

BOY OH BOY DO I FEEL THIS PAIN ANON, im shaking both your hands because this one is HARD and i still haven't fully managed to turn that part of my brain off weeps

in my case i think it comes from being the person that apologized for everything, and then got scolded for apologizing, so i turned around and tried to stop saying "i'm sorry" reflexively and Way Overcorrected

but yeah i'm right there with you- when i open up to friends and they tell me "i'm sorry" or "it's gonna be ok" i never think twice about it, i know they care and are listening to me and want to console me. but when i do it? oh no, not allowed

HOWEVER i have been trying to do things a bit differently to work around that bad reflex so maybe it will help you too!

personally, i think part of my approach has been going "what do I actually want and/or need when i am opening up to someone?" and part of it has been going "what do i MEAN when i say 'i'm sorry' to a friend opening up to me?"

for the first part, usually what i really NEED is just like, for someone to genuinely listen, for me to feel heard, and for someone to say they understand! like, i don't frequently come to my friends expecting Solutions or Counseling- they're not my therapist and i'd never ask them to be, I don't need them to give me sagely advice or solve everything because, well. we're all a bunch of mentally ill queers struggling through life and trying their best and i don't think they'll be able to magically solve all my problems because most of them have the same problems i do! i really just want someone to listen, to go "yeah that IS unfair" or "you're right, that IS really hard" and then tell me they care about me and they hope it will get better soon.

for the second part it really ties into the first- a lot of the time when i would apologize after a friend vented to me it didn't really mean "i am personally responsible for this problem and i am apologizing for it", it meant "that sucks and i wish it wasn't happening to you". so i've kinda just... started saying the latter? like i mentioned above, i really just want to know my friends understand and care about me when i'm struggling, so i've tried to do the same when i can by just like.... validating what someone is saying. "yeah you're right that WAS an unfair way for your manager to treat you" or "god it's fucking hard when mental illness acts up like that and you're understandably struggling under it!" or "i wish all this wasn't happening to you and i hope you catch a break soon because you deserve it." i can't, like, counsel someone because i'm not a trained professional and i don't want to mess things up worse, but i CAN say "you're right, that sucks, i love you and i get why it's making you feel [stressed/upset/angry/etc]" and "i care about you a lot and i hope things get better soon"

it's hard!!! changing a reflex like that super ingrained in you is hard. i kinda started using workarounds like this so that i could... trick my brain? "well, you didn't actually use THE WORDS "i'm sorry" so it doesn't count" (even though i just rephrased the sentence to say what i mean when i say sorry without actually using sorry)

i wish you the best of luck!!! wanting to be good to people and give them what they need when they open up to you or rely on you IS genuinely hard but i also so badly want to be good to the people i love too, so i think it's worth it. here's to hoping we both get it figured out ;o;