#so that's fucked up and fuck my mom actually she sucks
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Once Upon A Time chapter 5
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Jason Todd knew it was only a matter of time until his bubble burst and one of his brothers found out what he was getting up to. He was just hoping he could pull it off for a little longer. Even though the pit still reacted at the strangest times, he felt calmer, more normal, than he had in years. He wanted to hold it close and make sure nobody could take it from him.
From Replacement: you went back to college? Does B know?
Fuck.
—
Danny had been wary at first. Rich boy Jason Todd-Wayne in his college classes. The man was older than Jazz, though not by much, and a freshman with him. Either the guy was a bad influence or Danny just had really shitty luck.
He and the universe both knew the answer to than one really. But 60 bucks a week to reteach the guy basic math and Jason always gave him dinner in the deal? Danny wasn’t going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. If there was one thing Danny had forgotten during the past almost two years it was how hungry his human side got. Not having money and being on the run meant opportunities to eat were few and far between.
What Danny didn’t expect was how sarcastic and assholish the rich guy could be. He loved trading snark. Danny assumed that it came from them both having older siblings. But between that and the half formed core that was slowly shoring up, Danny found himself growing attached. He had missed having friends. Getting to talk to Sam, Tucker and rarely Jazz through a conspiracy message board wasn’t enough. Most of the time it was just a way to make sure that nobody had been captured by the GIW. They had a way to pass longer messages but to do that too often would be suspicious.
“So I don’t get it,” Danny said, gesturing at Jason with some fries almost a month into tutoring, “What do people actually do at Galas? The tabloid pics just show a bunch of people in uncomfortable looking suits standing around with champagne.”
“….thats really it. It’s boring as shit.” Jason kicked his chair back on two legs, leaning against the wall. “If I liked you less I’d invite you.”
“If you liked me less?”
“Oh yeah. Because then you’d have to meet my brothers, the assorted not quite adopteds, my dad and scarier yet, our butler.” Danny choked on his laugh.
“Your butler is the scary one in that situation?”
“Alfred is like a ghost. Always there when you turn around.” Jason put on the accent “Master Jason, you really must come home more. Nobody quite enjoys my cooking like you.” He let the chair legs settle on the floor. “Now imagine that from behind you in a dark kitchen at two am while you’re half drunk and trying to make a sandwich.”
“Okay, yeah, I could see it being that scary. My sister was….” Shit he hadn’t meant to mention Jazz. “She was the only one who cared sometimes.” May as well rip that bandaid off.
“Yeah?” Jason asked, taking a drink from his coffee cup. “Didn’t know you had a sister.”
“My family and I don’t see each other anymore. It’s for the best.” He hoped Jason wouldn’t ask more questions, because ‘my parents sold me out to the government that only knew where I was because of the Justice League which is why I hate them and by association your dad, and now my sister is in hiding in a different state with a new identity’ was way too difficult to explain. “I left before they could kick me out.”
Danny watched Jason’s face twist into a frown. “Bigots suck. Sorry man.”
“Yeah…. Well…” Danny busied himself with finishing his burger. Then, once he chewed and swallowed. “Wait. Is your dad the one that fell into the champagne tower last year?”
Jason groaned, “he’s not always like that I promise.”
“No I get it. A weird ‘Family Friend’ invited us to his fancy party so he could hit on my mom once. I accidentally on purpose took out the entire buffet table including a cheese fountain so we had to go home.”
“Cheese fountain?”
“You know those chocolate fountains?” Danny asked. Jason nodded. “Like that, but with fondue cheese instead. And before you ask why, all I can say is it was in Wisconsin.”
Jason watched him with an unreadable expression for a moment, and Danny assumed he was processing it, because when the expression broke, Jason was laughing.
He looked so much younger when he laughed like that, and Danny remembered that they had both had, in their own ways, a rough life. “Yeah. I know. I was finding cheese in the weirdest places for weeks.”
“Did you get invited back?” Danny’s heart ached with the fact that a month or so later, Everything Fell Apart.
“No… I…” he cut himself off, remembering the horrified looks his parents gave him as their weapons, the ones he fixed, were turned against the ‘beast’ that ‘possessed’ their son. The looks mimicking the ones they gave him when the party screeched to a halt as he did his best impression of a Scooby Doo villain being unmasked. The screams of shock turning into ones of horror. The -
“-anny? Danny?” He blinked and shook his head.
“What? Oh, sorry.” He took another drink from the coffee, emptying the cup. “No. I never was asked back. You done?” He looked at their empty plates and grabbed the tray. “We should get to the library. Though I’m sure someone as good looking as you has plenty, these x-es won’t find themselves.” He was overcompensating for zoning out now, words coming out faster than normal.
“Yeah… are… you okay?” Jason asked, as Danny bussed their tray and grabbed his backpack, a backpack bought by his tutoring money. A tutoring gig he desperately did not want to fuck up with his own bullshit.
“Me? Fine. More than. I just zone out sometimes. Come on.” Danny’s words were still coming out too fast. He took a few breaths during the couple seconds Jason took getting his things, trying to ground himself as much as possible. He was going to be normal. He was going to be normal if it killed him. Again.
The walk to the library was quiet and Danny was thankful for that. He needed to get his head on straight if he was going to be any help to Jason and he still had his own homework to do after. As they walked in, both Danny and Jason instinctively looked towards the desk where Barbara usually worked, but she wasn’t there, some other guy was checking in books with quiet beeps.
Danny had learned over the last month that while Dick, Tim and Damian were Jason’s official siblings, Barbara was an unofficial one and he liked her the most.
It made sense, since she didn’t seem to pry into Jason’s life the way Jazz would have if she was here. Not that he would have minded her prying for how much he missed her, but four years ago he would have hated it.
—
Jason knew the haunted and hunted look that had settled into Danny’s eyes. The way he trailed off into something vacant. How his breathing seemed to get stuck in his chest. Which is why he tried to interrupt the cycle before he could spiral. Something big happened to him, and Jason knew he wouldn’t want to break down in a cafe in front of people.
Thankfully he seemed to snap out of it quickly, instead overcompensating into energetic. The message was clear. ‘Don’t ask about what just happened.’ Carefully, Jason let Danny lead him into the library, aware of his positioning and making sure not to follow too far behind or loom too much. Considering he had at least six inches on Danny, that last part was hard, but he tried.
He could feel the pit spiraling in him, circling and coiling like a dragon deep in his chest. Itching to do…. Something. It wasn’t punch or claw or fight. This was new. He didn’t like it in the slightest.
He looked over to where Babs usually was, then remembered she had a class, criminal justice degree, how apt, as he and Danny went towards what was now their spot. Jason found he had the sudden impulse to pull Danny’s chair out for him, and shoved that particular useless idea back down into the abyss it belonged in.
—
Danny looked over at Jason who stood at the edge of the table looking…. Angry? Confused? and pulled out his own books. “I promise, my zoning out isn’t contagious.” He said, looking up at Jason and kicking the chair across from him out from under the table for Jason to sit. He gave a wry smile, “if it was, I don’t think anyone in my high school would have made it.”
Jason snorted a laugh, snapping out of whatever thoughts he had been thinking. Jason pulled the chair out further and sat, sitting more comfortably than he used to. More of the true Jason, Danny was realizing, less of the person he was supposed to be. In another lifetime…. But no. He couldn’t… not while he was being hunted. It wouldn’t be fair to Jason to have to hide such a huge part of himself and his past.
Not to mention he hadn’t ever come out to Jazz and his friends. Well he had…. But more in the ‘hey I’m dead but not really’ way and less in the ‘so I like guys’ way.
But in spite of those barriers, this tentative friendship with Jason was enough to keep him happy.
Which made the next kick in the teeth from the universe completely expected.
All he had wanted was to walk home in peace. Sure it was almost midnight, in Gotham, but still. He made it most of the way, and was slinking through the Bowery when it happened.
Guys with dark clothes and weapons were suddenly in front of him. He turned only to see more at his back. There had to be five in total? Or was it six? Danny didn’t have time to count.
“Hey guys.” He hedged, muscles tensing as he raised his hands to show he wasn’t a threat. “Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to get home. Long walk and all that. If I could just…. Scooch past you?” Danny took a step to do just that and the lead goon swung at him with a baton.
He hopped back slightly, dodging the hit when it came. “Not a chance. Boss needs some…. Help with his latest ideas. You’re coming with us.”
Danny ran through his options in his head. Option 1: get kidnapped. Option 2: get the shit kicked out of him. Option 3: beat the shit out of them and get labeled as a possible bat to be or possible rogue to be. Option 4: go fully ghost and either escape unscathed but wind up more firmly on the GIW’s radar.
Option two or three would wind up happening, because he wasn’t going to put himself at the mercy of the Bat-ass again, and he wasn’t going to offer himself up on a silver platter to the GIW.
The moment one tried to grab him, Danny dodged out of the way, and that seemed to bring the goons on him en masse. They seemed well practiced, but considering it was Gotham, there wasn’t a big surprise there. The next few minutes were a flurry of elbows and knees, punches and kicks, batons and clubs.
Danny would dodge and counter, disarm one and fling their weapon across the street. He would have sore ribs and bruises from his elbows to his knuckles come morning but he was slowly winnowing them down. He had a brief thought about the conservation of ninjutsu, as the fewer goons there were the stronger they seemed to get. The realistic answer was they were less concerned with hurting each other when there were fewer of them, he knew that. But everything was more fun with ninjas.
When there were three left, one threw a punch that connected with his nose. There was a pop and crunch and a hot rush of blood down his face even before the pain set in. He spat out the blood that collected in his mouth from the way his head snapped back when he was punched. Another one came at him, and his own years of training caught the guy’s arm, judo throwing them into another look and sending them both careening into a wall. The move was trickier with gravity, but he made it work.
Danny looked up at the last remaining goon. He grinned, teeth too sharp and stained with his own blood, eyes glowing just the faintest green. “Run.”
They did.
Unfortunately for the goon, they ran smack into the chest of one Batman.
#writing#fanfiction#danny fenton#danny phantom#dc x dp#dpxdc#jason todd#red hood#dead on main#batfam#dp x dc crossover
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yeah guys idk I'm just thinking maybe the lightheadedness and desire to sit down about halfway through putting away groceries my whole life might not have just been a reaction to the way my parents were when i was a kid and the accompanying anxiety and sudden flurry of movement, but also possibly maybe i have a Health Thing about this...
#thank god i finally scheduled that doctor's appointment#Jan 15 cannot come quickly enough tbh#like i've streamlined getting shit put away and i hurry as soon as the wooziness starts hitting because i know i'm on borrowed time#and that's when the trauma reaction kicks in of ''i can't stop halfway through i'll be in trouble'' anxiety#because i *enjoy* putting away groceries and organizing the kitchen#i just also can't without a lot of assistance and plenty of spoons and time to prepare myself physically and mentally beforehand#this post brought to you by i had this realization doing the groceries and now i'm having like a lot of thoughts about it#i can't do it all in one go ever and i have never been able to without someone else handling about half of it#no matter how much i get or of what i can only get about half put away before time's up and i gotta sit down#it's why so much of my food was non-perishable when i was on my own#cause i'd get the cold things put away because they *had* to be#and then i couldn't physically do any more - especially if the groceries that week were more cold than non-perishable#but like yeah if i had to stop or take a break in putting away the groceries (despite also having gone to the grocery store#and walked around the whole store and grabbed items AND carried the heavy things into the house because i was the heavy lifter#AND i was in sports and had probably either just done a lot of exercise or was still in recovery from the day before/earlier that day)#i got fussed at for not helping out#so that's fucked up and fuck my mom actually she sucks#ugh
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Hi Uncle Neen! HYH! It sucks to see you struggling cuz you are a big inspiration of mine :( but you said you did your makeup the other day. Can we seeeeeeeeee maybe?
d'awwww ksahdlkdss, you are so sweet, nonnie! thank you so so soooo much, baby! xx i really needed this. i hope i heal ( i will...i have to, i am too much of an asshole to let god win, fuck him ) and i hope you heal from whatever harms you as well! you can do it! mWAH!~
-- also brb crying ;-; <3333 whenever y'all tell me i inspire you, it seriously makes me want to cry; you mean SO much to me, so to mean so much to you; it's Everything to me, my love. thank you for believing in me, know i believe infinitely in YOU and will keep fighting the good fight, living authentically and modelling pos behavior on this blog bc i take being a role model very seriously. :')
BUT ANYWAYS! sakhdlasd oh my god aaAaaAAAaa please!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE, THIS IS SO CUTE OF YOU, hELP AAAAA!!!!!! but yes, of course, of course. considering i am super bacteria nina right now and had to resign from my ( admittedly ) trash job and am no longer, at this moment, an education girlie ( besides on here, ofc, educating you on my two gay sons in love ), i can freely exist and post pictures of myself again! thank you for for giving me a safe place to do that. <3
i'll elaborate on what 'safe' means to me down below, but just for context i took this...sigh...last week, when i was told i would 'all better', just trying to feel like myself again after a month of being unmadeup and unfitted and ugly and troll-like and on death fucking row and fucking miserable as hell, i had my new hair appointment lined up, was about ready to take life by the balls again...and that shit BLUE BALLED ME SO HARD AND SAID *ravenstan vc* JK, BABY!
okay, sorry i have some really bad scarring and wounding up there by my neck so i had to cover her up but...there she is! the she beast!
as for posting pictures of myself just...please...PLEASE BE KIND. and i wish i meant that as a joke, i mean it very, VERY seriously. i am at a point right now, where i look my very fucking worst, i am weaker than i have ever been in my life, there are abrasions all over my body, which per the results of my culture ( i was right...several fucking times and no one would listen to me ) my body is trying to kill me and right now...it is Winning. ( i'm not gonna lose tho, dw, i am a nasty bitch from hell and i refuse to die this ugly, i fucking won't; choke )
tldr; I AM VERY VERY VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HOW I LOOK. I DO NOT FEEL PRETTY, I AM LIKE ONE BAD COMMENT AWAY FROM TEARING THE SKIN OFF MY FACE AND I AM TELLING YOU GUYS I CANNOT DO THAT, I CANT CREATE ANY TEARING ON MY BODY OR THE BACTERIA WILL TUNNEL AND ITS HARD ENOUGH AS A BITCH WITH DERMATILOMANIA.
PLEASE BE NICE TO ME.
i know we shoot the shit on here and are funny and clown eachother, you guys are my family; it's what families do, but my boundary is that you can say i am pretty and be objectively kind or Please do not send me anything At ALL about how i look; i CANNOT take it rn. i know were just joking, but please, please, PLEASE Do NOT compare me to any ugly creatures, make me feel weird about any part of my face, tell me i look blurry, say anything is too big or too small…
please don’t meme on me abt my appearance...Ever.
it’s a very sensitive spot for me and makes me v anxious.
all this to say, i love you; thank you for being my home.
HYH.
-uncle nina, single ravesey mother and human petri dish
#idk what the face tag is ill make one later#but there she is#this is so sweet thank you guys for caring i swear i want to post more i am just so weak rn that its hard to keep my head up#ill talk about it more later but the test results were kinda hard for me bc they were scary and it is pretty serious#and very fucked up bc they could have caught it at er number one but they didnt catch it until my fifth drs appointment#and i had to beg...and lo and behold i am very fucking sick now and everything sucks but i am gonna beat it don't worry#anyways sorry for momming you guys i miss my kindergarteners i didnt get to say goodbye i am devastated#but i am actually very sensitive about how i look and do think i am ugly most days especially rn so please be kind to me#i only say this because i had a couple of anons who had good intentions send me anons joking with me about how i look#and it put me in such a bad depression that i like couldnt look at my face for days and it devastated me i am very sensitive#so please only kind words like objectively positively kind please don't make jokes about how i look or try to be funny#not in a good place for it but sigh...my hair...it is falling out rn so that sucks i'm out of comission for a week and a half#up to a month...assuming i get better...I WILL DW SORRY I WILL and i have stuff i'm working on right now#ask memes and i am trying to write so hang in there i love u#HYH <3
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I've literally never understood parents who don't let their like... TODDLER age kids play with kids of the "opposite" gender. Like wtf do you think your 3 year old is gonna get up to????? News flash heteros people aren't literally born sexual beings and you don't need to protect your sweet baby girl from the boy from her preschool class.
Which also makes boy/girl friendships later on actually LESS TABOO meaning, if your kid grew up being friends with OTHER GENDERS, they will be less likely to see others solely as potential romantic/sexual objects and can actually have positive normal friendships with people of any sex or gender. Who fucking knew that if you don't treat something as FORBIDDEN then it stops being so appealing, especially if you have a rebellious streak
#its just fucking weird!!!!#like i know im a guy now but when i was little i was allowed to play with anyone of any gender. it wasnt a factor#my first ''friend'' (another baby about my age when i was like less than 1 year old) was a boy!!!#my parents are far from perfect vut at least they didnt treat gender as this all important thing that actually really matters#me and my siblings could do whatever we wanted with our hair and could dress how we wanted and i played with trucks and my brother played#with barbies!!! and guess what only one of us ended up trans and gay as far as i know !!!!!#also my dad took me fishing and taught me how to tie the line and bait the hooks and i sucked at it but he still taught me#he didnt assume i wouldnt want to just cus i was a 'girl' and if i ever showed any interest in mechanical stuff he would have taught me that#my mom taught my other brother how to sew just like she taught me and my sister. it wasnt cus of gender roles it was cus we were creative#our other brother might know too idk!! i havent asked. but my mom was basically a seamstress so she probably taught us all#tho i suck at it unfortunately#anyway point is stop making gender and inter-gender friendships such a big fucking deal and maybe your kid will actually grow up normal#''men and women cant be just friends'' only because you never let boys and girls be friends ☝️ 🤓
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I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.
#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it#like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago#so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows#but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown#AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS#1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject#and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS#or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's#AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way#okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there.#also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that#well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there#ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE#also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines#IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT#AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS#i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen.#its VITAL that that did not happen!!!!#its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan#and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died#SO. logically it must have been like#fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?)#and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist?#like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote?#that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro#god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke.#NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW#in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw)#does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab????#oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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i was telling myself it was okay that i sucked at guitar hero's easy mode at the arcade earlier and that no one was even paying attention to me but then my mom said there were 3 dudes watching me when she walked in
#MOM THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i used to be decent at rockband but i haven't played since 2009#so when i was with my 6 year old sister at the mall's arcade i thought id try the guitar hero thing since it was only 50 cents#ummm guitar hero is harder? 😭 i was on easy aka only had to worry about 3 colours and i still missed ⅓ of them 😭#i used to get perfects on hard#my goofy ass hand wasn't even on the right colours at first#also i was startled by how fucking LOUD it was#if id known itd be that loud i wouldnt have touched it#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i think the dudes who were watching were workers bc i saw them playing it while i was helping my sister with a game#anyways i love that genre of game and i wanna get clonehero but the guitars are so expensive 🧍🏽♀️#the arcade will have to deal w me sucking loudly#scarlett.txt#i tried to get my sister to play it but she didn't want to bc it was loud#i was babysitting while my mom got an oil change across the street#so that's why my mom showed up 30 mins later#anyways why is she going to a mechanic for an oil change did she forget im gay#i played a linkin park song cuz it was the only one on the list that i liked#guys where is the paramore the bullet for my valentine the my chemical romance#tbf i don't actually expect mcr on an arcade guitar hero#was there even a smashing pumpkins song on that bitch#today or mayonaise pls#there was a bunch of classic / dad rock songs which is to be expected but why were there less than 20#where do i file my complaint#they didn't even have soad
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"why are people mad about AI being pushed on them when they SHOULD be mad about all the privacy erosion??"
1) plenty of us bitches are mad and annoyed about both, actually.
2) the privacy erosion has become the normalized state of existence for the average person for the last 10 fucking years at least, its snuck in, they disguise it as Convenient Features to Help You Shop Better, and thats IF they bother telling you theyre doing it, instead of just opting all your shit in without asking, its so fucking normalized that yeah, a lot of people do not bother to question it, they just sigh in resignation and go, yeah, i guess, do i even have other options? and they do, but theyre an investment of learning and time you dont have capacity for at the moment, or maybe you do but you feel like you dont bc it feels like a bigger hurdle than it is, and computer stuff is already kind of intimidating, cos man, what if you hit the wrong thing and brick your expensive ass machine? easier to just let it data harvest, you guess, it cant be THAT bad, can it? plenty of people live like this, put up with this, seek this out, its easier not to resist the privacy erosion. fucking whatever, i guess. yeah, i guess twitter i mean X, or walmart, or facebook, can just have all of my contact info and my phone number and my birthday and phone contacts and bank information and fuck it, give them my ssn while im at it. less effort later. this is just how tech has been for the last 10 yrs. no one can effectively get rage clicks on this topic anymore bc we all fucking know. it sucks and we know. what do you want me to fucking do about it? i have other shit to deal with more urgently. etc
3)
you cant turn anything on or log onto anything or go anywhere without hearing about whatever new shit theyre throwing AI at for no real reason, no one will fucking Shut Up about AI, and its Annoying, man
#toy txt post#toy pic post#image id in alt text#im so fucking Tired of hearing about it and in applications that make no sense cos they made the thing and are now trying to justify its#existence and cost instead of like. creating it to actually meet a need.#im annoyed at both of these things everytime i turn on the god damn computer#i keep getting texts about upgrading my phone to get one of the new AI models. man. i dont want that#i dont want it bc theyre as invasive as ever and the ai shit is stupid and i dont want it#AND YES. THERE ARE GOOD AND USEFUL AND DECENT APPLICATIONS AND USES FOR AI. I KNOW. ITS NOT ALL BAD#BUT MOST OF THE FUCKING CHATTER ABOUT IT IS ANNOYING AND THE INTERNET IS AS FILLED AS EVER WITH MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT#WHETHER IT BE AI GENERATED OR JUST TALKING ABOUT THEIR NEW BULLSHIT GENERATOR 3000. PLEASE DOWNLOAD#TO JUSTIFY THE VENTURE CAPITAL#man ppl are tired of it all. we want to opt out of it all#and some dont even want to bother.#and then theres ppl like my mom who no. i cant convince her the privacy erosion is a problem bc on an individual level she doesnt care#but i could convince her hopefully to be wary of 'answers' from ai and that they generate slop and if anyone asks you for money for ai shit#lmao Dont. okay#and at this point ill take that as a wij#win#and honestly the privacy erosion at this point. needs. legislative shit. legislative shit that isnt just 'oh the companies were data#harvesting teens? well if the companies stop giving that info to advertisers and instead give it to Their Parents. and also give them full#control of their accounts and everything the kids see. well that fixes it. no. god#its a big stupid messy problem that is gonna suck to fix and so far anyone who talks about fixing it on a mass scale is a fucking hack#who is fear mongering to exert more control over kids man it all sucks so bad. and it sucks more cos it doesnt Have To#it Could be good! computers could be good again. the answer is not necessarily everyone download linux bc thats not going to happen#maybe more ppl should and that would be good for us. yes. like idk teach it in school or some shit. but that cant be the only thing you do#windows and Microsoft and apple should not be retroactively fucking up the products they have monopolized into everyones homes & businesses#they should not be ABLE to do this. idkeverything sucks and is stupid and that sucks and is stupid and you all are complaining about dumb#rubes getting mad at the wrong thing and falling for ai fear mongering instead of being like. why are the bitches who are turning every god#damn computer into inherent spyware also shotgunning money into ai amd articles hyping up about ai
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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I feel like I should disconnect for a few months to be productive but if I'm left alone with my brain I think I'll have a crisis
#c3personal#if the actual problem was the internet sucking up all my time that'd be one thing but. that's not the problem#the problem is my useless empty brain#ironically even tho the internet is overstimulating me as fuck at least it keeps reigniting some motivation and hope#and without that like. idk how I'd cope cause there is 0 motivation coming from my real life#being around my mom has been making me spiral into hopelessness so badly I sat down to make something today and I couldn't manage#you'd think being treated like shit would motivate me to prove myself but nope it just makes me make myself small and act out the useless#role she expects out of me#if I have to overhear her tell ppl how useless I am one more time I'm gonna fucking idk. idk#I keep saying I can't bear it but then I bear it
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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the fact that at this point i dont even feel depressed or scared or anxious whenever i get reminded of my abuser and i instead get angry and start thinking and sometimes even saying the most venomous shit about her and wishing death on her. shes not really in my life much at all anymore but it still pisses me off and i still have to see her occassionally and at this point i feel like next time she tries to come to my apartment i wont even let her in and tell her to play in traffic or something.
#ramblings#i just realized while typing this since i wonder why she showed up in my thoughts again this week#her birthday is today#i hope she dies.#genuinely im so angry that i ever had to share my life with her#and im still angry that she still is the tumor on my family that is ruining it#genuinely it would be so much better for pretty much all of us if she died#i have wanted to make fun of her to friends lately but tbh only like. two or three of my friends even know her enough to understand my ange#and even then i dont think it would be very fair to them to basically go on an insane rant about my abuser because im mad#i should get my anger out in some other way#vent#it fucking sucks too because her sister and her mother are extremely sweet and i honestly kinda like being around them#how the hell did she turn out to be such a vile and terrible creature when her sister and mom are absolutely amazing#also doesnt make it much better when she talks shit about her sister and makes her out to be evil when like????#shes actually a nice person unlike you!!!!
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I think getting a hysterectomy would either help with my migraine issues or just give me different problems but I wont be able to know until next year minimum and even then I dont know if I can do a second surgery so soon. the way that birth control just utterly and completely fucks you over when youre starting it, when youre on it, and when youre getting off it is so. Idk if its even worth it to change my birth control if Im gonna get a hystrectomy in the vague soonish future even if I feel like absolute dogshit for an entire month for 1/3rd of the year.
#I take it back on whatever post I made recently about hrt. I think its making my migraine issues worse.#I would take back the smell issue over migraines that have me searching basic math to make sure Im still doing 3x3 correctly#in my head. and like. being unable to read more than a paragraph or two at a time.#honestly. Im really mad at myself for being caught off guard by that doctor and telling her I was on testosterone.#because now I have to jump through stupid fucking hoops to get a hysterectomy and shit and who knows what wouldve happened if I was able to#pretend I was cis. Im pissed about it. and OFCCCCCC she says 'yes I will make sure not to mention the trans thing outside of my notes!'#and WHAT does she label the appointment as?????? literally mentioning Im trans in the big ass header that my new primary doctor immediately#saw. like come on girl do your job better than this.#life sucks being disabled when you have to do all this crap. cant just Schedule a Surgery you have to go get approved by insurance and then#make sure someone can bring you and also you have food you can actually eat during recovery and take time off work and worry about money an#then find out insurance did not approve the surgery AT the appt and then you have to wait another 2 months to reschedule the surgery and do#all of the above alllll over again. but like even worse.#bro Im so stressed about money all the time my moms bills keep going up and her bills cost more than my monthly paycheck. its bad out here.#anyway. my nightly tag rant.
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put on tshirt after doing yardwork (cuz i got hot) and my mom immediately commented "look at YOU in bArE aRmS"
so i put on my long shirt again
#me and my mom#no matter how upset i get or tell her to keep her comments to herself... she won't#i'll knit a whole-ass fucking sweater and she'll immediately say 'it's too short'#thank u for invalidating every fucking thing i do and/or make#i made beef stew and it actually turned out good but all she could say was 'the house smells like onions.'#and then i'll see a job listing for something i don't have experience with/can't do and she'll get mad at me and aggressively#tell me 'you can do anything! library work translates to (job field that library work doesn't translate to)'#and it's just so frustrating bc she obviously has this idea of me in her head and i just don't match up#the whiplash from the 'you are so smart and you can do anything!' abt hypothetical things to the 'it's too short' abt things i actually do#'i don't like the color' 'i don't like the neckline' 'i don't wear wool' (it's not a sweater i made for anyone but me)#'oh look at you wEaRiNg ShOrTs' 'oh look at you wEaRiNg a sKiRt'#and danny got fat and she keeps commenting on it and all i can assume is that it's ALSO a comment on my putting on weight#but then we eat at fucking Popeye's for lunch twice a week#and no matter how much i say 'please stop making me eat junk food' we keep going#she doesn't leave the house on her own. she won't let me leave the house on my own#i had more freedom as a 16yo than i do now#wonder why i'm so FUCKING miserable and depressed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i left a decent-paying job! for nothing!! i'm just sitting here and rotting and the library system here sucks and they STILL haven't#gotten back to me even though i applied in FUCKING DECEMBER#she can't finish a meal anywhere so anywhere we go i have to eat half of her lunch. so it's not stuff i would pick anyway#how do you even apply for jobs and put anything in your 'skills' when you're so fucking miserable you wish you were dead
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most of the schools i went to were catholic to its rlly surprising that i never had any type of religion class. it didnt actually affect anything other than us being made to stand in line and pray before class (and also sing the national anthem) but like you could just, Not do that and be chill
#i did go to catechism classes as a kid but that only lasted for a few months#i was 9 i think or 10#kinda diff subject but i have a lot of memories of being 10-11 and figuring out religion#a lot of my memories for that time period are Gone I Am Memory Issues Man but not those for some reason#babies first independent thought <3#i remember first doubting what i knew about god when i was like 7? but i shelved that until 5th/6th grade#as ive repeatedly brought up in this blog my sister died when i was in 5th grade which caused my parents to double down on the catholicism#at the same time i had found Atheist Progressive Facebook Pages and doubting everything#they made a routine of every day before bed reading me a passage from the bible and i had to sit there like yas queen so true#but me and this friend from school were heaving deep philosophical talks about religion dailyyyyyyyy#she reached the conclusion of god not being real a bit before me and i remember mentioning to my parents how i dont think thatd mean she#was gonna go to hell in one of the Nightly Bible Sessions#before i reached that conclusion i actually adopted the line of thinking thay god Was real#he just sucked ass and was a terrible being. and also fuck christianity#tho a few months later i went full atheist#one time me and that friend were on a fucking amusement park ride discusding religion. thats still funny to me#also a while later my mom started dipping her toe in other religions mostly as she tried to figure out how to deal w my sister dying#she got into spiritism and took me to like a. idk. lecture???? sermon??? i did not care so i daydreamed lesbian ever after highxmonster high#fanfiction during it. 👍#my dad also gave me a very long talk about how my mom was being tempted by the devil at that time which like. ok#also at age 11 the last time i went to church happened. it was on the 1 year anniversary of my grandpa dying (which also happened in 5th#grade) and his name was gonna be mentioned. i was already atheist then and i felt Very out of place. also intried convincing my younger#cousin the tooth fairy was real doing it#oh and i can never forget how i posted on facebook telling my extended family that i was an atheist and then my aunt held a prayer session#at her house while me n the other kids were playing and Loudly talked about how parents who let their children be atheists are doing the#devils work or whatever. or the family friend that told my mom the reason my sister died was bc my mom didnt go to church regularly#my mom didn't go to church regularly bc my sister was dying and she was busy trying to prevent that. lmao.#my sister dying actually had nothing to do w me questioning religion but literally everyone seemed to think so at the time. theyd be like#i know you might be angry at god because of your sister.... and i was like? no bitch theres just no scientific proof that guy exists what#oh there are so many typos and mistakes in these tags im not editing that. good luck
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i made an oc thats at least nicknamed "Stupid" and im constantly thinking about what a power move that is tbh
#toy txt post#i miss it i should play w her more often but it was going to be for a dnd thing that ive all but abandonded bc i feel like#i cant. do that but it sucks bc i had some cool fun concepts and characters but it was hard enough back then when i was just insecure and#knew nothing about dnd and was intimidated by the mechanics but wanted to try dming for some reason but now i just straight up dont know#what to do but i really enjoy those characters. i should just unlock the secret channelsand scrap the dnd game idea for now and keep the#concepts and im sure i could come up w something if i ever actually learned anything about that shit#anyway. my point being. im obsessed w my character i made up and you should be too cos its good shit#toxic anarchist half dragon demigod with authority issues whos an alloaro clown named Stupid Cupid.#i think her pronouns were whatever but also it/she? when i say toxic i mean it did have a bit of a Clown Cult.#Cupid i think is possibly its given name and Stupid was her clown ass addition and yes i do know of the song and yes it is on its playlist#obsessed w all the stupid overpowered characters i made in that universe. they were such good concepts. gulliver obviously. charybdis#silas (cupids father + previous (now deceased) god of chaos)#cupids mother who i dont think i had a name for yet but she was supposed to be kind of a neutral lawful (in a rules lawyering way)#moon paladin who hatefucked the god of chaos after failing to kill him which she was trying to do out of devotion to the moon#and she supposed to have what i can only describe as chainsaw powers? and she destroyed every gun in existence and killed anyone who knew#how to make them until there were no guns left bc silas kept being annoying w guns and was trying to use them on the moon. for reasons#so she really pissed him off and impressed him before she finally got to him and tried to kill him. and if she was even a minor god instead#of a 'mortal' it wouldve worked and thats the only reason he didnt die from her. and then her child. stupid cupid the clown#grew up and had issues and started a clown cult and wandered around usurping warlords and dictators before putting her aim on silas#and trying to kill him. but failing not bc she was mortal but bc he outsmarted it. but he couldbt bring himself to kill it so he had her#put to sleep for a thousand yrs until someone else killed him(he pissed off a stupid seagull druid who lured him into the path of Charybdis#who he'd ALSO pissed off and Charybdis mega killed him and then the gull druid was made the new god of chaos just to have someone fill the#roll but then they kind of suck at it? they did not want that much responsibility altho the immortality is nice. when they took over they#released cupid whos a bit of a legend but then the vibes are super weird bc cupid Definitely wants to usurp and take on the mantle of#chaos deity and gulliver idolizes her but doesnt feel great about just handing that over to it? and cupid has to grapple with not being the#one to kill silas. almost everyone she knew is dead. her mom isnt. the world has changed a lot. she finds out her cult is still going and#gets excited? but they have Changed. it disgusts her now. they are not the radical clowns she intended. the vibes are weird. she denounces#that and tries out piracy. she manages to get the moon paladin living chainsaw power?#despite not being aligned w their ideology at all. wow nepotism. then it was going to spiral into some fucking meta galactic shit and have#well. ran out of tags. anyway i miss this character i should figure out what im doing w this universe cos theres no way im dming rn 🙃
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