#i’ve just felt very depressed and unmotivated because i feel like my life isn’t where it should be right now

[swaghaver69]

i feel a heavy pressure like someone is sitting on my chest making it so i can’t breathe whenever i think about how every single structure in society and social conditioning makes it so that women have no choice but to inevitably end up with a male and it is pushed so hard as the only possible viable option and it feels choking and inescapable (personal rambling vent in tags)

[yanderechuu]

[5.1K]

part 1, part 2 (this), part 3, part 4

class 1a with a reader dealing with clinical depression.

warning: depression, starvation, depressive symptoms; i’ve done research but this isn’t the accurate procedures of clinical depression; obviously made dramatic; i am not a psychiatrist/therapist

│

You told your psychiatrist all of what had happened the past week.

“You’re irritable. That’s just a side effect of the medicine.” He said, proceeding to mutter as he jotted things on his clipboard, “So you’ve been experiencing mood swings...”

Just? If he weren’t benefitting you in the long run then you would have hit him on the face with your quirk, but you were a hero-in-training, and you were willing to bet that that urge was just another reaction of your so-called mood swings. No one told you losing friends would be another side effect. No one told you that you’d lash out and cause to hurt other’s feelings.

No one told you it would venture this deep.

You leaned forward, resting your elbows on your thighs as your arms enveloped around your own person. “I hate this.” You croaked, allowing tears to run down your face because only your psychiatrist knew the heaviest pain you’d been experiencing. “I shouldn’t have taken those shitty meds, s-shouldn’t have spoken to them like that. I’m such a bad friend, what more would I come to be as a hero?” Then, you added: “I-I should just die.”

Your psychiatrist was silent for a period of time. He was either evaluating you or trying to find the right words to say. Either way, both only meant you were a lost cause.

“You aren’t my only patient who’s a hero-in-training.” At length, he began. “I’ve had this boy who took sessions with me because of childhood trauma. Says he regrets not saving his mother from his father’s abuse.”

“Oh.” You muttered, guiltily. “Is he alright now?”

“He’s getting there. Point is, to save others, you have to be in a place where helping others is attainable. Say that you are in a building on fire along with other children; you won’t be able to take them out alive without surviving yourself. You can’t expect to value the life of others when you can’t even value your own.” You saw the way his eyes avert shortly to the clock as you stared at him in awe, his words gradually sinking into your mind. He abruptly jotted down your prescription, ripping it off the pad and handing it to you.

He smiled securely. “You’ll make a fine hero, alright? Don’t doubt that; you’re already taking steady steps going there.”

===

Izuku’s group didn’t invite you to the cafeteria today, unlike how they always did. You assumed Ochako had said something regarding your outburst which resulted that way. That was fine in any case. You didn’t want to give your classmates more reason to resent you.

You’d planned to starve yourself once again, like what you’d often been doing these past months. The initial reason was that you’d been simply too lazy to drag yourself to the cafeteria and get a meal, telling yourself to tolerate the regret you’d be feeling later in hero training due to the lack of energy; then suddenly you’d disregarded that reason, shifting to that you were extremely unmotivated to do hero training, so there was no point in fueling your body with food; now, you only felt as you didn’t deserve to eat because of your last week’s actions.

A slice of cheese wrapped in aluminum plopped down on your desk. Your dead eyes looked up to see Aoyama with his usual grin.

“...what?”

“The cheese is very good. You should probably taste it.”

Odd. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d interacted with him. “No, thanks. I’m not hung...”

He shoved a piece of cheese on your mouth before you could finish.

“Of course, you are! You went out of your dorm and straight to school, so that meant you didn’t eat breakfast. You stayed in the classroom during recess, too.” He explained. “Which means you haven’t eaten anything since last night.”

You slowly chewed on the dairy, eyes narrowing in blunt realization. Now that you thought about it, you really haven’t eaten anything last night. You’d inculcated into your mind that there were better things to do than eat, and if there were none then you’d sleep your hours away to pass time (to rid your thoughts of committing -). The most recent thing you’d ingested was your quotidian pill.

You grunted, curling into yourself, arms around your stomach as the pang of hunger finally hit you hard. “Ugh... you’re right...”

Aoyama took out his lunchbox and settled it in front of you. “You can have a portion of my steak.”

But you refused, bearing the effort to stand up, though you only fell at the moment you thought you’d gained stability. You slumped back to your chair, and Aoyama stood up in concern.

“A-are you alright!?”

“Yes.” This time, you brought yourself to your feet and stood up just fine. “I’ll go get myself a snack.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No need.” You started walking to the classroom door.

“But you might fall again!”

“Which is none of your business if I do!” You snapped, turning to and glaring at your classmate who only wanted to help. “What will you do, anyway? Guide me every step of the way? What am I, a toddler?”

Only one look at his face was enough for you to halt any further remarks at the tip of your tongue, eyes widening upon looking at his countenance, which seemed so crestfallen, so familiar, like.. Mina and Kirishima’s.

Staring at you incredulously, brows creased in shock and hurt, eyes questioning as to why you’d suddenly talk to them like that. Breathing deeply, you reminded yourself that this was just another side effect of the dose, and you were not about to end another friendship merely because of your unstable emotions.

You spoke, words slow as you processed them thoroughly. “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I appreciate your offer, really, but... it makes me feel so dumb that I’d be needing your help in going to the vending machine.”

“You’re not dumb at all.” He shook his head. “Civilians need heroes’ help in times of need. They aren’t dumb.”

“I’m no civilian.” You glanced at him dejectedly, mustering up a little smile to alleviate the mood. “And I don’t need help.”

Aoyama hummed in uncertainty after a short period of silence, questioning the authenticity of your tone.

Upon opening the door, Izuku stood there, wide-eyed and caught red-handed eavesdropping on the conversation you just had with Aoyama. Behind him were Iida, Ochako, and Shoto. They were all witnesses to your outbursts.

You pushed him aside and ran along the hallway, shame instead of energy fueling your system to move your legs.

“(Y/n), wait!”

But Izuku couldn’t find it in himself to chase you. Iida was too stunned to reprimand you for running in the corridors, and Ochako was indecisive of what to do. Shoto was reminded that he’d still have to know your answer to his offer of tutoring you.

Aoyama stood inside the classroom, equally concerned and confused as they were.

===

Hero training came eventually, the class you used to anticipate with ardor but now so resented. And with that resentment came the misfortune of being partnered up with Mineta in the activity.

Perhaps that wasn’t the worst misfortune; you were also against Shoto and Bakugo.

“Why is it like this!? We’re gonna die!” Mineta exclaimed in horror. “They’re gonna treat us like real villains and actually kill us!”

You tried not to let his pessimism rub off of you when you already got your own pessimism to deal with. You could have agreed with the thought that this was unfair, that there was an obvious power imbalance with both duos, but the pair was decided by a simple random sampling of picking out names out of a box. Besides, there seemed to have been a sudden jab to your pride that made you refuse to back down. You caught yourself finding entertainment in reckless things.

“You could always avoid them and make me do all the work.” You suggested stoically.

“But I won’t get any points with that!”

“That’s fine.” You replied. “You don’t want to die, right?”

You zoned out Mineta’s annoying rambling, setting your gaze on the opposing team instead. Bakugo was screaming at Shoto’s face, telling him “not to get in his way” or something along those lines. They were strong individually, you thought, but they were stronger when partnered up.

So it was probably best to have them separated.

You sat on the ground to ease the pain on your empty stomach under the ruse that you were adjusting the boot of your hero costume (and partly to get on the level of Mineta so you could talk to him without needing to louden your voice). Then, you looked at your partner, who was still shaking profusely.

“Why don’t we separate them instead?”

“And fight them one-on-one? I can’t do that!”

“I mean it’s better than having them team up and destroy us entirely.” You glanced at the opposing team, and for a quick second locked eye contact with Shoto. You turned back to Mineta. “We’ll make believe that separating them was accidental, so they won’t figure out our plan.”

“...fine.” He sighed defeatedly. “What’s on your mind?”

It was a simple plan with a difficult execution - to separate Bakugo and Shoto - which admittedly wasn’t quite the best but given your circumstance it sounded the most proficient. Your gut all the while clenched not in anxiety of the proceeding battle, rather due to the fact that you quite literally haven’t eaten anything since last night, unless including the one bite or two you’d taken from the snack that you had bought from the vending machine, having not finished it because you lacked the appetite to, as often nowadays.

The alarm rang, signaling the commencing of the activity and allowing you to venture farther within the maze of Ground Gamma. Mineta ran behind you, and noticed the way your arm held your stomach as you heaved unevenly.

“Is something wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing is.” You knew he was referring to you.

“Well I gotta be real with you, (y/n). You’ve been acting kind of weird lately.” He was weird. You two weren’t even close. “Not only that, it seems like everyone’s been avoiding you, too.”

You slowed your steps down, having your guard up as you looked everywhere for signs of enemy. Partially, you were curious of whatever else he had to say.

You asked, “You think they’re doing that deliberately?”

“I wouldn’t know.” He shrugged. “But by the way you’ve been acting, it looks like you don’t mind being left alone, which tells me that you must have purposely done something to make them avoid you. Not that I care, of course, you do whatever-”

In a fragment of a second, you pushed your short classmate aside, saving him of the burns brought by Bakugo’s quirk as he propelled his way to your direction, violently and rashly.

“Best save your damn conversation later!” He yelled, grinning maliciously.

You body was sent back, hitting the a pipeline, causing air in your lungs to get knocked out of your system.

“[Hero name]!” Mineta exclaimed.

Bakugo gripped your throat as you struggled to breathe, but you were able to harden your gaze on your partner, telling him to get on with the plan’s execution; to keep Shoto busy as you handled Bakugo.

WIth your quirk, you were able to successfully get him to let go of you, and immediately after you avoided the explosions sent your direction. You made your way out through a series of pipelines, getting him to follow, deliberately farther and farther away from his partner.

“Shit- Todoroki!” He screamed, cautious of not leaving him behind. but you ripped his attention by using your quirk against him. Supposing him to land a large explosion on you, you avoided heat the moment he did. Abruptly, you used your quirk to give him a hit.

“That was the plan, wasn’t it? To get me separated from him.” He grunted, the traces of your quirk scarcely hitting the skin on his shoulder, but not quite being a bother to him entirely. “Fine, I’d very much entertain that shitty plan of yours!”

But you didn’t really listen to his arrogant voice. Your body was light as you avoided his attacks, mind in a state of untouched lake, not quite confident of winning against him but never really worried, either. Hell, your aching stomach was no longer even a bother to you. You utilized your quirk every now and then, and you fought great even without vigor, though essentially your consciousness was floating up in the clouds, away and away and away...

And then you realized you were dissociating.

He wasn’t given the chance to come after you as you propelled yourself up to settle on a pipeline. He was standing on the ground, looking up at where you were in agitation and slight confusion, shoulders heaving as he caught his breath after a long period of time of using his quirk while you were only standing, still and unpredictable.

“You backing out? Fuckin’ coward.” He hissed, smirking derisively.

You couldn’t think, couldn’t move, the last of your ability to comprehend leaving you, betraying your body, but you were sure that if your dissociation took a form of bodily movement then you’d be shaking, sweating, screaming, dying. You shut down against your will.

Body falling to the ground, with no one but Bakugo to catch you.

“Oi! Shit- (y/n)!” He held you in his arms, shaking you vigorously. “Wake the fuck up!”

The alarm rang, signaling the end of the battle.

===

You woke up from a dream that everything was fine, that you had your friends back, that you were never stuck with this stupid thing called depression. The ceiling of Recovery Girl’s office greeted you sullenly, along with someone right beside you.

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.” The doctor herself said, sighing in relief and taking a clipboard that rested on your bed the entire time. You didn’t like the sight of it; it reminded you of your psychiatrist.

“I...” you noticed the orange quality of the room brought by the sunset from open window of the infirmary, “what happened?”

“You collapsed in battle, dear.” She explained. “All because of an empty stomach.”

Ruefully, you hung your head in shame, eyes staring at the white of the blanket.

“You haven’t eaten since yesterday, have you?” She asked, and you shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “I would know; your friend Aoyama told me that.”

She handed you a packet of biscuit from her pocket. “Eat this while we wait for Aizawa to come back with your full meal.”

You shook your head. “I’m not hungry, but thank you.”

“Eat or you’re not coming back to dorms and we’re taking you straight to the hospital for a lengthy checkup of your digestive system.”

Immediately after, you took the biscuit, tearing it open to reluctantly bite the food. Your appetite didn’t return, and you were sure you’d be vomiting shortly after ingesting after a long period of not eating anything, but when you swallowed, you felt none of the expected. You looked at the biscuit packet. Baby biscuits, it said.

A knock on the door followed by its opening reached your ears. Footsteps were heard, and soon you found Aizawa by the edge of the infirmary curtains, carrying a tray of food with his hands. Upon noticing your conscious form, he walked towards you, placing the tray down on the bed table after setting it before you.

“I’m glad you’re awake.” He said. “We would have taken you to the hospital if you didn’t wake up by midnight.”

You looked at the tray situated in front of you. It had two plates, one with steamed vegetables, like broccoli and carrots, and the other with a variety of cold fruits - neither was able to stimulate your appetite. You opted first to drink the fruit juice that was on the corner of the tray.

“Your stamina is one of a kind; you were able to fight against Bakugo without proper nutrition.” Aizawa began.

You placed the glass down. “Thanks.”

“That wasn’t a compliment, (l/n). That just means you’ve been missing meals to the point that you’re already used to it.”

“Oh.”

You carefully grabbed the chopsticks and brought the steamed vegetable to your mouth, chewing cautiously. It wasn’t like you were avoiding eating for body image, or because you simply wanted to starve yourself to death (...); you only ever avoided meals because it never spurred on you the will to eat, even when your hunger was practically tearing your gut apart.

“I informed your guardian of this incident. Also, Yaoyorozu will from now on take note of the amount of times you’ve eaten in a day.”

“W-what?” You asked, looking up to him in shock. You didn’t want to be an additional responsibility to the people around you. Not now, not ever, not when you were already so capable of handling things yourself. What were you, a toddler? “That’s... that’s not needed. I can do that myself. I don’t need to- don’t need to have anyone worrying about me.”

Recovery Girl looked at you sympathetically. You heard Aizawa sigh, and you winced, because that must have meant he was sick of having to deal with you as his student. Things would alleviate for him if you’d get expelled.

“If you don’t want anyone to worry about you, then make it clear that you’re doing well.” He said. “Eat your meals three times a day. Drink water. Spend time with others to let them know you’re alright.”

He left the infirmary shortly thereafter, ensuing silence as you slowly finished your meal, the noise only in the depths of your mind.

He’s mad at me, he’s mad at me, he’s mad at me.

“He’s not mad at you.” Recovery Girl stated. “That silly Aizawa, doesn’t know how to project his feelings into words. He’s just worried sick, dear. And you don’t have to feel bad for that.”

Knowing you were still unconvinced, she continued, “You also get worried when your classmates are in danger, but are you mad they made you feel that way? No, right? It’s not responsibility, just human emotions.”

There was a knock on the door a second time, and she walked towards it, opening it to see the guest.

“Why are you still here? It’s past curfew.”

“Tch, I just came here to give them their stupid bag.”

You heard Bakugo’s voice across the room, not like the volume of his usual self but neither really considered to be an inside voice. He sauntered inside before Recovery Girl could allow him to, pushing aside the infirmary curtain, which just so happened to be yours.

You both locked gazes for a while, before he averted first, tutting and dropping your bag on the bed. “Get up, I’m walking you back.”

“Why?”

“Because you might fucking collapse again, that’s why.”

“Can’t you see that they’re still resting!?” the doctor exclaimed, hitting his shin with her syringe cane.

“Ow! What the fuck!?”

“Insolent boy, get back to dorms before some other teacher spots you!”

“It’s fine.” You interfered before the yelling could elevate, moving to sit at the edge of the bed, propping your feet on the floor. It was then you noticed that you were still wearing your hero costume, unzipped along the torso so your body could breathe properly as you slept. “He’ll walk me back. It’s true, anyway. I could collapse again.”

The atmosphere decreased in tension when you spoke. You classmate huffed, turning away and sitting down on a vacant chair. “Your uniform’s in your bag. I’ll wait here while you change.”

You eventually found yourself in school corridors, walking a few steps behind Bakugo as he lead the way back to dorms; so much for making sure you wouldn’t collapse when he can’t even see you, being in front of you. Still, you wondered what had gotten him to do so much as to wait for you past curfew. Violent as he may be he wasn’t quite the one to break school rules without justifiable reason.

You spoke, “Just to make things clear, it wasn’t your fault that I collapsed midbattle.”

“I fucking know that.” He hissed, as if offended you’d assumed that. “I wouldn’t give two shits if that were the case but you didn’t get any injuries from my blows, so that just meant you fainted because of something that had occurred before battle.”

Observant as always, you thought. You sometimes wondered how he was able to perceive well with all the chaotic energy of his nature. To your left, the sun rays brimmed on the edge of the horizon, coating your skin a translucent golden orange along with Bakugo’s.

“It’s because you’ve been struggling with something, haven’t you?”

You stopped in your track; that confirmed his suspicion.

“W...what?” You questioned, turning your face from the tempered glass to look at Bakugo who now had his front facing you. His red eyes interrogated you intensely, nearly bringing you to avert yours elsewhere, but you didn’t.

“It’s so fucking obvious, even dunce face notices the change. You’ll look dumb to deny it.” His intimidating form closed distance with yours. “What the hell is wrong with you? Skipping meals all of a sudden, are you tryna get fucking thin?”

“What? No.” You replied, truthfully and defensively. “Look, Bakugo- it concerns nothing with you. Just-”

“Hell yeah it concerns something with me. You think I was satisfied with our fight earlier? That you’d just collapse like that and not give me a proper fucking victory?”

You didn’t think that he was actually concerned for you, but it was funny that he made a big deal of the inconvenience you’d caused him even when he realized that you’d been struggling with something. He didn’t think of anything but himself.

“And you worried the living shit out of me these past weeks. Stuck in your room all day and always looking sick; almost makes me want to drag you out myself so you could touch some grass.”

But perhaps that was just his articulated words over the truth that he actually cared. You smiled inwardly.

“You’re always stuck in you’re room too, you know.”

He scoffed, turning back and resuming the journey back to dormitories, with you following suit. “Not as often as your dumbass. You’re a literal prisoner of your own dorm.”

This earned a short chortle from you. It was the first time in myriads that he’d heard something of your voice as authentic as that. There was this refreshing feeling that dawned in him upon hearing it, like gentle breezes of spring or waves crashing on feet. He never really took note of the lack of your laughter in class until now.

“I may not know whatever the hell that is,” he said, gaining your attention, “but what I do know is that you’re strong, and you’ll eventually get over whatever shit you’re going through right now.”

Your heart clenched in gratitude over his words.

“So eat your fucking meals and give me a proper victory next time.”

===

“I’m sorry for my attitude back then.”

You had your form bent in nearly a ninety-degree angle, facing Mina and Kirishima, whom you had reluctantly asked a portion of their time for.

“I’ve just... had a tough week. But I know that isn’t enough reason to treat you the way I did.” You stared at the ground, voice unwavering as to prove your point that you were genuinely sorry. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s okay, this can be the last time. I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m really, really sorry.”

It broke your heart to say that, because admittedly, Kirishima and Mina were two of the classmates whom you’d been very open with, not quite in the level of intimacy but in a level that no longer bore the sense of awkwardness and filtering. Losing them would meant losing a part of yourself that you so loved.

Still in a bow, you had yet to see the expressions in their faces, but their silence led you to the pit of your anxiety. It settled on the base of your stomach, sent a bile up your throat that you needed to swallow down. Your sight became blurry from tears.

You were lying. It wasn’t okay, you didn’t want to ever talk to them for the last time. You didn’t want to lose your friends no matter the severity of your mistakes, and that probably made you selfish. It was your fault that led to this and it would be your loss for mistreating two of the best persons you’d ever known.

You were so, so selfish, and perhaps gave more reason for them to drop you, but if there was anything worth being selfish for then it would be your friendship with them.

Tears were obvious in your face when you stood back up. They looked at you with surprised countenance, a bit at disarray as to why you were crying and you brought your arms up to wipe the tears inevitably flowing down your cheeks flushed from shame.

“I’m sorry, I-I,” you began, “I can’t afford to lose you two.”

“Why’d you ever think we even considered leaving you?” Mina was first to speak, voice cracking on the verge of breaking down as you.

“Because I was mean,” you replied, “and I hurt you two because I-” was stupid. Ignorant. Nothing short of a villain. But saying those would only have you guilt tripping them into forgiving you. “I was mad with things and I took my anger out on the both of you with those insults. I know that isn’t- isn’t manly, but I still did it. I’m sorry.”

She was quick to remove distance from you two, closing in on you with open arms so she could embrace you tightly you could nearly sense the sympathy she felt for your lonely self deprived of affection, and you never thought you’d feel so happy being destitute of air to the point of suffocation. When she parted with you, she held your hands, and smiled.

“I forgive you.” She said. “Because I know you didn’t mean any of it.”

“...but- but I still said-”

“What matters to me is that you apologized. And you were sincere with it, right?”

You nodded your head.

“Same goes for me.” Kirishima intervened, placing a hand on your shoulder and squeezing it gently. “Despite all of that, I still find myself valuing our friendship, (y/n). That just means you’re someone worth keeping.”

It was hard not to smile after hearing him say that. A breathy chuckle escaped your lips, their forgiveness relieving you off the heaviness of guilt. “This doesn’t seem enough, though. I feel like there’s more I should do to deserve your forgiveness.”

“Then let’s go on a date, just the three of us!” Mina exclaimed. “There at the cat café you cancelled on; whad’ya say?”

What else were you supposed to say?

===

It had been a while since you went out of the shadows of your dorm, dressed in sweater and pleated [pants/skirt] that gave you comfort because you feared you might break down from all the sudden sunlight and social interaction. While this date wasn’t particularly against your own accord, you felt the telltales of anxiety gnawing at the surface of your throat, the hollow of your lungs, squeezing your heart off of the ability to circulate, and soon you found it difficult to breathe, to blink, to-

A splash to the face and you were back to earth. Now wasn’t the right time to allow yourself to dissociate; you looked at the mirror and inculcated that in your mind. You spent a few seconds to rearrange yourself and soon you sauntered out of the restroom, heading directly to the table by the tempered window where two of your close friends were.

“Finally! We wouldn’t have started eating without you.” Kirishima exclaimed, shifting aside to give you space beside the cushioned seat. There in the table were a variety of confectionery food, excluding Kirishima’s choice because he didn’t have much of a sugar tooth unlike Mina and you, instead opting for something else rich in protein.

You let out a chuckle, politely setting aside a cat that was about to choose your seat as a sleeping spot. “You didn’t have to wait for me.”

“Nah, it’s not like we minded.” He moved to pick his chopsticks but Mina smacked his hand before it could get to them. “Hey!”

“Are you nuts?! The food was designed pretty for a reason!” She yelled, her phone in camera app held by her fingers. “Now, sit still look pretty, you two!”

After picturing you and Kirishima, she proceeded to take a few more photos of the cats, then only the food, focusing on each individual meal as if they weren’t meant to be eaten. You didn’t mind, but your redheaded friend sure as hell did.

“Done!”

Kirishima huffed, finally digging in to his plate. “Looks like your phone had more to eat than us.”

“You only say that ‘cause you have an appetite larger than an elephant’s.”

It was a soft chime, simply a gentle jingle, but your lighthearted laugh was enough to send your two companies in delighted shock, faces turning to look at you. When you took notice of their lingering stares, you grew a bit flustered.

“Is- is there something on my face?”

“No.” Kirishima responded immediately, smiling. “...I’m actually glad you’re enjoying this, (y/n).”

It took you a while to process that. Admittedly and to your surprise, you indeed found yourself enjoying time with your friends, the food, and the fact that you were outside and for once taking a breather from the suffocation of your own room. Maybe it was because they had forgiven you, or that the pills’ side effects weren’t as drastic as they normally would have been. 

Either way, you couldn’t suppress a smile. The cat you had set aside savored the way your hand gently caressed its head. “Well, I’m glad I came.”

“Then we should do this often.” Mina blithely said. 

Things were working out fine for you this week. It was the first time in months you’d been genuinely happy without being haunted with the threat that you’d be falling from cloud nine eventually.

You had those pills to thank.

[flickeringart]

Mars Retrograde in the natal chart

I’ve written about planets in retrograde in the natal chart before, find the post about Mercury, Venus and Mars here and the post about Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto here.

In this post I’m going a bit deeper into Mars Rx.

As we all probably know, Mars is the planet of personal drive, aggression, assertiveness and outward directed energy. Mars it works on behalf of the personality as the warrior – as forward movement, strength and desire. Mars enables us to be goal oriented, to stand up for ourselves and have a sense of direction and momentum. Depending on the sign Mars is in, the style in which one goes about one’s interests will vary. For example, an Aries Mars will be direct, impulsive, straightforward, loud, non-apologetic and open in taking action. Taurus Mars will be calm, patient, stubborn and energy preserving. Gemini will be cerebral, creative, mischievous and all over the place. Cancer Mars will be careful and protective of emotions while trying to secure a goal. Leo Mars will be demonstrative, proud and demanding. Virgo Mars will be purposeful and practical, going over the steps required to reach a specific goal. Libra Mars will try to smoothly get other people to get on board with one’s direction without ruffling any feathers, usually through using reason and logic. Scorpio Mars will assert its will “undercover” often through subtle yet effective emotional blackmail and strategy. Sagittarius Mars will be bold and restless, potentially quite clumsy and funny. Capricorn Mars will be serious, patient, mature, responsible and steadfast. Aquarius Mars will potentially be acting on behalf of a collective mission and thought-movement, considering what lies in the best interest of the “group”. Pisces Mars will be easily directed by influences from the environment, compassionate, soft and a bit confusing.

Having Mars direct in the natal chart means that desire is merged with action. In other words, action is employed in the name of desire. In the most basic sense, a person sees something of value (Venus) and Mars is the one who is in charge of conquering it. Venus and Mars can’t really be discussed separately for this reason because something has to catch one’s attention (Venus) in order for there to be anything to attain and achieve. Simply put, Venus is the object, person, place of esteem and Mars is the force that is in charge of closing the gap between the person and that which is desired.

When Mars is retrograde in the natal chart the drive to achieve is equally as strong as with Mars direct, but it is turned inward instead of being directed outward. This causes inner frustration, pent-up energy and often feelings of being ineffectual – unable to directly go after what one wants. Many sources state that since Mars is a masculine planet, Mars Rx is more bothersome for men, as women tend to not suffer from lacking in masculine traits as acutely because of identification with femininity (Venus). This is probably true, yet women will similarly experience the debilitating effects of Mars Rx – sometimes through the lover and partner of choice.

Some sources state that natives with Mars Rx had a childhood where they were not allowed to get angry or to stand up for themselves. Perhaps no one listened or bothered, perhaps displays of aggression were forcefully disapproved of and punished. There could have been a lack of support of the native taking initiative and paving his or her own path. I have had the reverse experience of being accused of not being assertive enough. I have Mars Rx in Virgo in the 3rd house and I was constantly criticized for lack of extroversion growing up, particularly in school (the 3rd house rules lower education) by teachers and peers. I was “too quiet”, “too inhibited”. In a sense, I was attacked for my “lack of Mars”. Unfortunately, I think this is quite common for people with Mars in Rx, we seem to invite aggression (in my case criticism because Virgo rules my 3rd house) in the area of life (house) that Mars is placed. I never attempted to “strike back” but kept my own pent up anger inside feeling worse and worse about myself, humiliated, yet for some reason unable to project the intensity outwardly – probably because it would only have caused me more reprimanding. However, the positive thing I’ve noticed with Mars Rx is that I have the ability to act independently of outside influences. In a sense I can act without desire being merged with action. Or rather, I can choose to redirect the build-up of intensity into unrelated activity. It’s definitely counter-intuitive, but it’s very useful in situations where one is required to act despite of a goal. Since people with Mars Rx have an obscure desire nature, there’s the ability to simply put one foot in front of the other and see what comes of the action.

(Buy products with my art here)

There’s something to be said about inviting aggression from the outside with Mars Rx. Other people seem to want to cause a reaction by provoking the Mars Rx person to make them stand up for themselves and display some assertiveness. This never works because Mars Rx people don’t react defensively to personal attacks on the spot. They sit tight, face the situation calmly yet is feeling a build-up of energy that is likely going to erupt later, when the situations has passed and when it’s no longer relevant. They get angry with themselves for not acting on the spot, for not saying the things they wanted to say and display the strength that they really do possess. Mars Rx people often question their potency and can beat themselves up for not being more willful. As stated, the bouts of anger come only at a later time, which does nothing to gain the individual a reputation of being impactful. The moment has passed and the opportunity to strike is gone. It’s important to not be too hard with oneself, Mars Rx isn’t a character flaw, it’s part of one’s unique blueprint and one would do better focusing on the benefits rather than the down-sides. Mars is after all about confidence and there’s no reason why Mars Rx should settle for feeling “less than” confident. The key is to not look for external proof of one’s potency and be content with knowing that one is powerful despite appearances of lack of assertiveness. With Mars Rx one should avoid comparing oneself to other people. Comparison and competitiveness don’t benefit these people, for obvious reasons. Measuring one’s strength against another will leave one feeling neither strong nor confident because the strength of Mars Rx is passive and felt internally.

In order to not feel emasculated with Mars Rx, one has to be squarely doing one’s own thing and avoid caring about what other people think one should do or even what oneself think one should do based on social values. This is the only way to be happy with this natal planet in my opinion. Stop competing = stop depleting, stop comparing = stop caring. Mars Rx people have the opportunity to be real individualists when they start valuing their internal integrity rather than the outward display of it. In a sense, Mars Rx is a very pure Mars. It’s simple action, unmotivated and unresponsive. It will not win us any battles in the moment; Mars Rx doesn’t build any momentum, energy is extended outward in bursts, starts and stops. The approach that works the best is to let action flow through, rather than directing it deliberately. This is usually going to translate into a quite soft energy but it can be quite beautiful. The famous male ballet dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov had Mars Rx – he was especially admired for his gracious jumps and seemingly effortless soaring in his dancing. He’s a good example of Mars Rx manifesting in a very powerful way – he uses his Mars to move independently in a non-confronting “Venusian fashion”. Yet, no one could claim that he lacks strength. The famous basket player Michael Jordan also has Mars Rx and he is widely considered one of the greatest basketball player of all time. It makes sense that dance and sport should suit these people because these activities require starts and stops more than building momentum.

Mars Rx has a reputation for being sluggish and lethargic. I think this is inaccurate to accept as a rule, but it is certainly possible for these people to seem like they are. Other people often perceive Mars Rx people to be at least very chill and calm, which is not always the case, it’s just that the boil hasn’t reached the surface yet and when it does, it’s out of tune with the outer situation and its momentum. The Mars Rx person might sit tight in a social interaction, never showing any sign of annoyance or agitation, despite being pissed off. It might be frustrating to not be able to release energy directly but Mars Rx energy is better channeled into purposeful activity, into independent action. Some sources claim that Mars Rx can be prone to self-destructive behavior and self-harm because of pent-up energy and unexpressed anger. I think this is true, especially if one lives in a very hostile environment and has a hard time, because of one’s Mars Rx, to do something about it – to fight back, to spontaneously immerse oneself in “combat” and defend oneself. It could also be because one’s aggression, when openly displayed, is turned to a social disadvantage. People might claim that one is “over-reacting” because the anger response is out of proportion with the situation at hand. “Over-reacting” is common problem for people with Mars Rx, because they’re typically calm, until they burst – and then they’re commonly labeled crazy or even abusive. There’s no way to “win” socially with Mars Rx, I find – either one is accused of being too passive or too reactive. This social disadvantage could easily turn into self-hate and self-rejection, because one doesn’t get any approval from the outside. Depression is sometimes linked to planets in retrograde, and this is quite understandable, in the light of everything that they imply. Depression is after all often associated with repressed anger, of a blocked drive and frustrated desire.

People with Mars Rx say that it gets better with age and that Mars is gradually more easily expressed because of experience and understanding of oneself. This might be partly due to Mars going direct in one’s progressed chart, however, one cannot make Mars go direct in one’s natal chart, it is a fixed blueprint that one will have to contend with. This is not to say that one cannot become more conscious of one’s own psychology.

[eartht137]

DEAREST HEART- Letter One

Okay, For The Better has got me at a standstill. Every time I go to write the next chapter, I get a very "bad" idea and I have to write it in to meld with what I have in mind, but as my birthday is approaching in 2 days and Halloween is quickly approaching, I have developed a very new and delicious idea. I thought up this story in the shower. Hear me out, okay? The blinds that cover the window in my bathroom fell, and I mean fell from the wall, so I had to take a shower in the dark with a candle. Well it gets pretty muggy in my bathroom, as there's not a lot of room, so I opened the window to get some air, well with the wind blowing and the leaves rustling I kinda got that weird feeling that someone was watching me (which I highly doubt). In this story the character/you are a new wife and mom and you've been unmotivated to do normal chores and upkeep due to de pression and anxiety. I kinda wanted to touch on some real topics that I felt may resonate as I've noticed there is a lot of depression and anxieties that have been major high and I just wanted to send a small message that you are seen, you are heard, you are worthy, you are loved. Even if it is in your own world, I'd rather have my own world that I can escape to and have things go my way than keep taking on the pressure of things we deal with everyday. Also this is another Dark Clark Kent. I know, I know, the idea of the man just does something to me. So with that curvies, I present to you Dearest Heart. Okay rant over for the day. Please proceed..........oh yeah MMMMMMmwwwwwwaaahhhhhhh

Dark Clark Kent x Plus Size Reader

Warnings: Non Con, somnophilia, masturbation, stalking, mentions of impregnation. Maybe other things too. MINORS DNI!!!

You were getting up and ready for work, since starting your new job, you'd found yourself a bit out of balance. Being a new wife and mom, trying to adjust, you'd found yourself falling in and out of a reel of depression and anxiety. You very rarely had the energy or drive to clean and sometimes your depression got you to a point where you didn't really want to keep up your hygiene. Finally, you'd gotten the burst of life you needed and decided to make use of it while you had the drive. You started keeping up your hygiene as you used to and cleaned your house day by day. You started cherishing more moments with your husband and son. You had noticed the more you took effort within the day, it helped you feel a bit better everyday. One day, you stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air and sunlight. As you were getting ready to head back inside, you saw a letter place neatly on the bars of you security door with small rose. You tilted you head in confusion and looked around. You took the letter, seeing that it had "Dearest Heart' written beautifully across the front. You walked inside while admiring the vintage parchment envelope.

"Baby?" Your husband asked curiously, making you look up and smile as he and your son watched you.

"Well I think the mailman left someone else's mail-again." You sighed tossing the letter down on the table by your door. You went over and spent the remainder of you free time with your husband and son before heading into your office and logging on for work.

On your first break, you rushed out of your office hoping to spend time with your loved ones. You giggled as you watched your husband and son sleep with their mouths wide open on your couch. You were about to step into the bathroom when you got the nagging urge to go back and look at the letter again. You stared at it from across the room a moment before finally giving in to curiosity and grabbing it. You studied it for a moment before your husband adjusting on the couch startled you. You quietly went to the bathroom and examined the letter. Looking at your phone, you realized you didn't have much time, and would just open it to see what it looked like inside. A very hopeful side of you prayed that in your head that it was filled with cash that some good saint just felt in their heart to give, but you knew that was a slim chance. When you opened the letter, you almost gasped, almost like a child feeling as if you if you'd just done something forbidden. The alarm on you phone vibrated and you jumped, the letter dropped from you hands. You laughed a bit at yourself, picked up the letter, tucked it away and went back to work.

One your lunch break, after making something to eat for yourself and your hungry boys, you found yourself practically lured back to the bathroom to find the letter you'd tucked away for later. You opened it and pulled out a very beautifully written letter, but the first line damn near made your heart stop. You read it over and over trying to make sure you weren't seeing things, but there it was in black in, your name. You took a deep breath and continued reading the letter.

My Dearest Y/n,

I promised myself I wouldn't try to interfere in your life, but my heart won't let my stand idly by. I know this is abrupt as you've never seen me in your life, at least you don't remember meeting me, its been so long ago; but I can't keep quiet about this anymore as my love for you has yet to subside. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swore I'd never lie to you and I am a man of my word. You might be a little worried as to how I know you, where you live-but you'd be shocked at how much I know about you and it'd scare you to know how long I've watched over you. Little love, I've been a bit disappointed in you. You allowed yourself to get to far down and instead of talking it out, you've been bottling everything in. We both know how that ends. You can talk to me if you need to, but I was really disappointed in how you allowed things to get. You weren't getting out of bed, you weren't keeping your hygiene up, and you weren't keeping the house up; on top of that, you haven't been utilizing any of your self-care tools. You didn't leave the house for a month and you cried every night by yourself because you're too stubborn to get out of your own head for two seconds and let the people who love you in. You were also finding a new lie every week to call into to work, that was disappointing darling because you don't have to lie, just tell them you need a day for your health, you don't owe them anymore explanation than that, but I don't want you to lie again. Do you remember those 2 weeks your backside was sore and stinging and you couldn't figure out why? I'm so sorry dear heart but I had to light a fire in you some way, and I just can't allow you to behave in such a way. I also can't stand to see the woman I love not take care of herself. On another note, I do want to tell you how proud of you I have been with how much you love and care for our son. He's growing so big isn't he? Oh darling, I know you think he's your husbands, but I guarantee he is my flesh and blood, why do you think he stares at me so long when he sees my photo pass your screen. His blood is my blood, he knows who he is. I have decided dear heart, to be a bit more active in your life as I have come to realize that my standing by protecting in the shadows is not enough. It will be awhile my love, but one day we will be together. You, Me and our son. I love you both so much, I promise you we will be a family as we should one day. For now I will continue to watch from the distance and protect you when you need me. I will also be there to talk whenever you just want to talk out loud. Before I end this letter, I want to also tell you how proud I am that you've started writing. I love the stories you've been writing about me and I promise to fulfill every one of you desires as soon as the time is right. Only this time, you'll be able to enjoy it as much as I have. I will be writing again, you don't have to reply, but it would be nice. Keep up the good work sweetheart, I love you.

With All My Heart and Soul,

Kal-El

Your heart pounded in your ears, you forgot to breath and tears filled your eyes. You kept trying to convince yourself it was a prank, but the more you tried to deny it, the more you knew it was real. You sat thinking to yourself, when you'd written a story about him, you didn't know anyone named Kal-El. You immediately started walking around your house making sure every window and door was locked. You wanted to tell your husband, but once again the gut feeling told you not to, and you'd realized that your gut was really on point and that just made things scarier.

You finished you lunch break and the rest of that day unable to concentrate on anything. That night while you took a shower, you kept looking through the blinds to see if you'd see someone. On one had you wanted to see if there was someone really there and on the other you felt you'd probably shit yourself if you really saw someone. After a moment or two, you'd finally convinced yourself it was a sick prank and someone in the neighborhood was being an idiot. You laughed a bit and finished up, ready to finally get the sleep you'd been begging for all day. As you laid in bed, every noise made you jump. Every time something or someone would move, you'd go from the precipice of sleep to fully awake. You had been feeling watched for the longest time and you'd just blamed it on being crazy, but now with the letter confirming your nightmare, you really had no idea what to do. Your mind ran and ran until it finally shut itself down and you drifted off to a very peaceful sleep despite everything going on around you.

He sat in the corner of your dark room watching you breath calmly. He wanted so badly to go over and rock you to sleep as he watched you struggle to fall asleep, but he couldn't present himself to you just yet, not until everything was perfect the way we wanted it before he showed himself.

He sat there watching you from the other side of the room knowing that soon you'd throw the covers off of your plush body exposing your luscious curves that he loved feeling in his large hands. His hand stroked himself as he thought back to the first night he took you. You were sleeping so good, you didn't hardly move. His released his hard thick cock from their restraints and pumped himself as he watched your breasts rise and fall with your breathing. He thought back to the first time he tasted your nipples, how hard they got when he kissed and nipped them. How wet you got for him and how he once made you cum from playing with them only. He then thought about how delicious you were. His fist moving faster and rougher down his shaft. He remembered how tight you were when he first fucked you. How hot and juicy you were as he pumped deep into your soft pussy filling you with every inch of him. He wanted to ruin you, and he wished you could see the happiness he felt when you couldn't cum one night from yours or your husbands touches. His hand pumped faster as he remembered fucking you so good one night your orgasm woke you as you came, as disappointed as he was that he couldn't feel you cum around him, he was still proud to have your body so responsive for him. That sent him over the edge and he came hard wanting so badly to empty inside of you. He wanted to see you round with his baby again, but he wanted to allow you the time to fully heal. He used one of your husbands shirts to wipe himself clean, and he gave you a soft peck on the lips, smiling when you turned away.

"I love you so much. I promise things will be right soon. Sleep well dearest heart." He whispered before leaving. He couldn't wait until you found his next letter.

[gershwinn]

GLAMOUR’s November coverstar Lili Reinhart: A powerful interview on anxiety, depression, therapy and body image.

“Depression has affected me in so many ways. It’s something that never goes away,” Lili Reinhart confides to me over the phone. She’s in Vancouver, I’m in LA, but the distance doesn’t stop us having one of the most open and honest interviews of my career.

Many interviews with Lili seek to get the lowdown on her relationship with her Riverdale co-star, Cole Sprouse, who she’s been officially dating since 2018. Indeed, after much talk of a break-up over the summer, Lili notably uploaded a series of photobooth PDA shots with Cole, leading to an internet meltdown and more than seven million Instagram likes. But it’s the conversation around her other, more long-term relationship – with anxiety and depression – that she wants to talk about today.

“I’ve experienced depression and anxiety. Not constantly, but I’m still experiencing it,” she shares. “I have spells of time where I feel completely unmotivated, I don’t want to do anything and I question myself. I don’t know how to handle stress very well. I find that talking about it and sharing my experience with other people, and reminding myself that I’m not alone has been incredibly therapeutic.” At 23 years old, she has found an open and honest voice on social media, sharing everything from body image to her acne with her 20.8 million Instagram followers. It’s an outlet that has no doubt empowered others, but has also helped herself -no wonder Lili was just named as one of Time Magazine's 100.

Speaking openly is something Lili believes strongly in, since attending therapy in her teens. “When I first started going to therapy, it was out of my incredible social anxiety. I was having trouble going to school every day. I was crying before school. I would fake being sick so my mom would let me stay home. When you hear the term ‘crippling anxiety’, that’s what I had when I was 14 years old.

“Seeing the therapist allowed me to be understood. The goal for me has been to always leave therapy feeling a couple of inches taller. Feeling like I’ve alleviated myself of a problem by learning how to solve it. Not everything has a straight answer – it’s not just going to take one session – but I start to think, ‘I’ve grown, I’ve done this, I’ve figured this out, now can I go off into the world and try to put what I’ve learned into action.’ That’s how I look at therapy. I am not crazy, and I am not problematic. I am just a human who’s feeling something in a different way than some other people would.”

Having battled with anxiety for nearly a decade and actively seeking help for it, I wonder what Lili’s relationship with anxiety is like now? “Frustrating. It’s something that I’ve accepted, but I don’t understand it,” she sighs.

“Sometimes I wake up and I’m like, ‘OK, I have anxiety today.’ I’m not really sure why, I’m more irritable than usual. It’s like an undercurrent that lives within me, and certain social situations can obviously trigger my anxiety. I work a lot of hours, sometimes I don’t get a lot of sleep, and that makes me anxious. I’ve found a way to talk myself down when I’m getting super anxious.”

The small act of writing a list to help rationalise her big issues has helped. “I will take a pen to paper and write out a list of everything that I’m feeling anxious about, then when I step back and look at my list of things I’m like, ‘That’s really not that much to be worried about and there’s really no need for it to be causing you this much turmoil.’ That’s how I’ve learned to put things into perspective.”

When Lili isn’t hustling to deal with her mental health, she’s negotiating the greasy pole of Hollywood, which is apt given her recent big screen role in strip club drama Hustlers, alongside Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block herself has taught Lili a lot about the power of hustling. “Jennifer Lopez has said about herself, ‘I’m always the hardest worker in the room and I never stop,’” says Lili. “I admire that and that’s what I’ve been doing. At least this past year has been trying to take advantage of where I am in my life. I don’t have kids, I’m young, in my 20s – I can take the time and energy to put into my career.”

Lili is booked and busy. Aside from Riverdale, she has just landed a coveted CoverGirl beauty campaign, finished her first producing role on the Amazon movie Chemical Hearts, and recently put the final touches to her book of poetry, Swimming Lessons, both of which will drop in 2020.

She says poetry has helped her to understand herself. “It’s therapeutic,” she adds. “I would rather feel too much, than feel nothing at all. Poetry gives me that feeling that my feelings are normal, justified. That other people have felt heartache and grief. I know that the things I’ve written are what 99% of human beings have felt, when they read my book.”

It’s this knowledge of struggle that meant playing strip club worker Annabelle in Hustlers really spoke to her. “I love how Annabelle doesn’t have her sh*t together, because that’s very real. There’s been a large amount of times in my life – like when I first moved to LA, away from my parents’ house and living on my own for the first time, I almost felt like a baby bird jumping out of a nest. You’re just told to fly, without being taught how to fly. You can learn how to balance your cheque book in school, learn how to pay taxes, but no one teaches you how to live on your own, how to take care of yourself, and how to be an adult. It’s very much a trial by fire.”

Meanwhile, alongside her rise to fame, Lili was managing her well documented issue with body dysmorphia – something Lili attributes to acne and to social media, which both contributed to it, but also helped her to manage it by connecting her to a like-minded community of people.

“Even today, I see myself in the mirror and think, this doesn’t look the way the world tells me it should. I don’t have a cinched, minuscule waist. I do have curves, I have cellulite, my arms aren't stick thin,” she says. “This is my body and we’re told that it should fit certain proportions. There’s such a disgusting problem right now with people photoshopping their bodies. Obviously, there’s a reason why people do it, they’re insecure, they feel like they’re not good enough, and that’s incredibly sad. When I see someone who’s authentically themselves, like models Charli Howard or Ashley Graham, who promote healthy, real body images, I think that is so refreshing and important. Our community values need to reflect that.”

She adds: “Charli’s messaging talks to me on social media. She makes me feel like my body doesn’t need to fit these impossible standards, and she’s a model, my body will never look like that. It just won’t, and 90% of women’s bodies will never look like that, but we are still only used to seeing one body on the runway and in magazines. It’s an incredibly stupid and confusing thing for that to be shoved down young men and women’s throats. Being told: ‘This is what beautiful is.’ And it’s often unachievable to regular people.”

Lili has equally been very vocal about airbrushing – having once taken a magazine to task after they photoshopped her waist. “I would love to see a world where people who are already thin don’t need to photoshop their waist even more, to make young girls, like me, when I was 14 or 16 years old go, ‘I thought I was skinny, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I need to have an eating disorder to make my body look like that.’ Life is not a FaceTune app.” Can we get an amen up in here?

One body insecurity Lili has been conditioned into dealing with and won’t tolerate any longer is “this idea of cellulite”, as she angrily put it. “It really pisses me off. It’s this weird thing where people think that it’s unnatural or a symbol of being fat. It’s so f*cked up because cellulite is just a part of the human body. It’s just genetic, it’s like having freckles on your face. It’s something that is there, you’re born with it, and it’s become this disgusting thing. We’re told: ‘We need to laser this away, no one wants to see that.’ There's nothing more beautiful than when I see stretch marks, or cellulite, and people’s real skin.”

Taking a new healthy mindset into the gym has also helped Lili overcome her body insecurities. “I’ve started to go to the gym out of the want to feel strong. I’m not going into the gym thinking, ‘I want to be skinny, or I need to lose 10 pounds, or I need to not have cellulite, or my arms need to be thinner.’ There’s so much power in feeling strong and physically healthy. It’s badass to be strong.”

Having overcome so many self-confidence issues while simultaneously rising to fame, I wonder what message she would want to give to that insecure girl who was sleeping on a mattress only three years ago. Without hesitating, Lili replies, “You’ve done good! But also, the struggle that you’re going through right now only makes your success so much more profound. There are people who have been given fame and fortune on a silver platter, but I don’t think there’s anything inspirational about those people.

“I was from a small town in Ohio, from a middle-class family, I knew no one in the acting business. I didn’t have a baton passed down to me from an actor in my family. I did it on my own from sheer passion and knowing that this is what I was good at, and this is what I wanted to do. There truly is a lot of power in struggle and survival, and that’s what makes you a strong person,” she finishes, defiantly.

People don’t come much stronger or more honest than Lili Reinhart. As we hang up the phone so she can fly to LA – the place where, she says, “I want to settle down and have a home” – I only hope she finds a happy ever after with her own mind.

Source: Glamour

[nellie-elizabeth]

Outlander: Never My Love (5x12)

I... Have... Issues.

Cons:

I don't want to blame the show-runners too much for the story-line with Claire, as it is lifted straight from the books. But do you know what occurred to me as I was watching this? The rape was actually completely unnecessary to the story. Like - seriously. Change nothing else. Show Claire being beaten and bloody and tied up, and it's awful and it's hard to watch and the performance is raw and honest and all that jazz.

But why rape? Why rape again? We've already had a story-line about Jamie being raped, and a story-line about Brianna being raped. At some point it's just torture porn. And the fact that she is sexually assaulted makes Jamie and the other men's journey feel like this really gross macho revenge fantasy. Again, I know this is all lifted straight from the books. And let me tell ya - it's one of my least favorite things in the books, too.

They added in this interesting thing where Claire is fantasizing about a happy life in the twentieth century with all her family around her, at Thanksgiving. So we keep cutting between Claire tied up and crying in the forest, and these happy idyllic snapshots, of Jocasta and Murtagh, Ian in a uniform, Marsali and Fergus and their kids, Claire and Jamie happy together. There were things about this idea that I liked, but I had two big problems, as well.

For one thing, the thought that the fantasy Claire escapes to is of the future, of her own time, is... really sad, isn't it? It's not poignant, it's just depressing, to think that while Claire fantasizes about Jamie and the rest of her eighteenth century family, she longs for the trappings and safety of a twentieth century existence. That's not the sense I've gotten from her character at all, that she's still missing her old life. It felt really awkward and out of place.

And secondly, why did Brianna and Roger and Jemmy die in this little fantasy escape of Claire's? I guess it has something to do with the pain she feels at not thinking she'll ever see Bree and Roger again, but it felt out of place in the fantasies, which in turn felt out of place in the scenes.

Speaking of Brianna and Roger... I already felt like last week's goodbyes with them were really tepid and unmotivated. I didn't understand why they were leaving at that exact moment. In the book, as I said, there was a very clear reason for their departure. But here, they go through the stones, and end up back where they started. Ian is startled to see them, and it turns out that when Brianna and Roger thought of home, it took them back to where they started, because the Ridge is home to them now.

Ugh. Barf. That's... way too cheesy for my taste, I'm sorry to say. And it makes last week's weirdly underwhelming goodbye... even more underwhelming. After all of that, the Mackenzies are just content to stay in the past? And it just made the plot more confusing, because this final episode wasn't about them, and their choice to stay after all. It was about rescuing Claire from Lionel Brown. So Roger shows up, Jamie is glad to see the family, but there's no time to really process it - Roger is coming along on the mission to save Claire. Why not change it up, so that Roger and Bree decide to leave, but before they can set off, the attack happens and they have to stay because Claire was taken? Then they could have a talk, after it's all over, about how they don't want to leave while things are so uncertain, and maybe they don't want to leave at all.

This season's timeline is very disjointed to me. We just saw Marsali give birth to her baby girl, right, but now she's pregnant and showing again? When was it that months passed without my noticing? Did anyone else feel some whiplash with all of that?

I'll finish off this "cons" section by circling back to a complaint I already made last week, which is that this did not feel like the natural culmination to a season of television. The Browns were barely characters, the whole subplot about Claire being Dr. Rawlings was hardly a thing. This was a season about Bonnet, about Roger almost dying (and oh boy that didn't get very much screen-time did it?), it was a season about the War of Regulation. This attack on Claire feels like it came out of nowhere and only existed to make something dramatic happen in the finale.

Pros:

Okay so I didn't actually despise this episode, despite my litany of complaints about it.

To start with, while I had some problems with the revenge fantasy aspect of Claire's rescue, I did think the fight choreography was really good and conveyed the brutality of the violence being committed. That's something Outlander very often gets right. The image of Ian and Fergus looking down on Claire as Jamie kneels beside her, so much compassion and honor for their mother-figure... that was really powerful. And Roger taking a life, the significance of that, and the way he confessed it to Brianna in the dark... all of that left quite an impact. I also love how seriously Jamie takes Claire's oath as a doctor, that she will do no harm. It's a great moment from the books that was borrowed here, where Jamie says that Claire cannot kill for herself - "it is I who kills for her."

While I question the whole point of the twentieth century fantasy stuff, it was still fun to see everyone in more modern, recognizable clothing and hair-styles. Very much of the '60's, but still. It was strange to see Marsali with the long straightened hair, and Jocasta and Claire with their conservative shortened styles. Seeing Ian and Jamie in modern garb was legitimately disconcerting, which goes to show how wonderful this show is at total immersion. The setting and time period is very solidly 1760's, and I get totally swept up in that to the point where it was really fascinating and kind of fun to see them all in this different setting.

I'll go ahead and say that Caitriona Balfe did a great job with her performance. It was hard to watch the torture porn but I did appreciate her dedication to Claire's experience, and she did a great job with some frankly clunky dialogue when she was listing all the trauma she's experienced and talking about how she won't be broken by this.

The real show-stealer of the night, though? Marsali. This is the best thing that the show-runners have changed from the book to the show. Placing Marsali in the position as Claire's protege, giving her more personal agency and more to do outside of being a wife and a mother, paying off the difficult beginning of her relationship with Claire. All of this is top-notch stuff. When Claire comes back after Jamie rescues her, we see her and Brianna embrace, and that's sweet or whatever, but I felt so much more when I saw Marsali approach, with her face all bruised, to embrace Claire. They weathered the attack together.

And then Marsali killing Lionel Brown... chills. When she said "I've taken no such oath," and then Jamie finds her and she's freaking out about killing him, asking if she'll go to Hell. There was just so much going on in that performance, so many layers to what was happening, and I was totally spell-bound.

I try not to harp on and on too much about the books vs. the show, but in this case I want to praise the show for taking out a part of the book that I hate, which is Jamie being worried that Claire might be pregnant from one of her rapists, and wanting to have sex with her right away so he can have plausible deniability that he might be the father. I am just... grateful that they didn't include this aspect in the show. It's gross. I don't want to deal with it.

In place of that we see Claire grieving what has happened to her, we see her telling Lionel Brown: "I will do you no harm," we see her breaking down but finding inner strength, and we see her curled up in the arms of her husband, taking strength from him. I really wish this story hadn't happened like this in the show, but I did appreciate the care and attention given to the aftermath.

So there you have it. This season was... disjointed at best. I really do wonder if season six will be the end of Outlander. It would make a certain amount of sense, given how many of the plot threads from the books have been excised/shortened into a more streamlined format for the show. Unfortunately, I feel like there were a lot of misses this season, and I hope they can come back with something stronger in the future!

6.5/10

[marshmallowprotection]

Well- Uhm, I’ve recently talked with my mother about the things she’s told to me growing up (rather, C did, and when she came to pick me up after school she made a passive-agressive comment about it and then we’ve talked) and uh... It didn’t really go well, at least in my opinion...

Specifically we’ve talked about the times she’d say she would kill herself to join J, and she denied it completely. She told me multiple times ‘I never said that’ and didn’t listen to me when I told her that yes, she did very much tell me that.

I felt so guilty of having said everything I said to C because first, I wasn’t aware that he was going to tell her today, and second because all the while she told me ‘I felt like a monster’ and ‘I felt like I was on trial’ (when that’s the way I feel pretty much all the time) so now I feel even more like an egoist monster.

Also she told me that the times she reacted badly were because of her bad days, and even brought up my attitude during the trial period (which happened like, some weeks after my genitor threatened my life by attempting to throw heavy packages on me, before bringing a knife to me and demanding that I kill him if I hated him so much while I visibly shaken up, for some context). For the first verdict I had to see him an entire afternoon the first Saturday of the month (of course, alone, aka in a situation that terrified me) and I apparently told her that ‘nobody cared’. Which was definitely not fine if I did say that, but I don’t remember much so...

The worst is that each time she brings it up, it’s like ‘I know he manipulated you but still’ and it feels like anything that’s before the ‘but’ doesn’t mean anything. It’s like ‘yeah, I know he manipulated you, but understand how I was’ and... and I just don’t know. It’s so confusing.

One of the only good thing that came out of this is that she wasn’t the one to give me J’s name, but my genitor...

Speaking of him he changed his number again and he sent me a message this morning. When I saw it I just felt like throwing up, and I got so scared because he’s already still messing me up mentally and now he was literally there. I just wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, that he ruined me, that I hated him, that I wished nothing more than to see him get run over by a fucking car and I felt so disgusting and so shameful because it just felt like I was as bad (if not worse) than him.

I finally menaged to get a therapist, Friday was my first ‘real’ seance with just her and me, she thinks that I have depression and she wants to talk to my mother about it so I can see an actual doctor and possibly get a diagnosis but I’m just scared of how she’ll react, even more after that. She said that the next seance we’ll do a little test of sorts to see where I am concerning that and after we’ll see if I want her to tell my mother about it but... I still don’t know. If I do have depression and get a diagnosis, what’s going to happen next? What am I going to do with that? Is it going to get worse if I do?

In a way I feel like that could be reassuring because that would explain how I feel, why I’m unmotivated most of the times, why things I used to love are no longer making me happy, why it’s just so complicated to find something to live for, why I don’t see myself being there in the future... but at the same time it would just confirm to me that I was ruined and that there’s something wrong with me, something that I can’t control and that’s just as scary. After being a//sed mentally and lied to and manipulated I hate not being in control of stuff and not being able to take decisions for myself and weirdly I feel like that contributes to that fear and I don’t know what to do with that...

I don’t even feel like my mother is a monster. I just feel like I’m a stupid brat who can’t be grateful for shit and who’s always sad and always in a bad mood and I’m just bothering everyone and I should shut up for once.

I don’t know. I feel even bad complaning about it.

TW: Gaslighting, Abuse, Manipulation, Depression, Assault 

Just because you get a diagnosis does not mean that you are marked for doom. Trust me, there are many people who know that they have an illness but they haven’t been to a doctor to confirm it. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anxiety or depression, but because of what I’ve been through and since many family members deal with it, I know the symptoms, I know how I feel, and I know that I have it. Just because I don’t have a paper that says I have it doesn’t mean  I don’t have it. The whole point of going to a doctor to talk about this is to get help, not to get shamed or anything. You go to a doctor, and they get you the help you need. 

They get you help, programs, guides, tools, ways to learn to function with the darkness that you feel. There’s nothing wrong with getting help. There is nothing wrong with you. Mental illness doesn’t mean that you’re weak, and it doesn’t mean that you’re “crazy.” The fact that you were harmed and abused was out of your control and that wasn’t your fault either, and the fact that you’ve got pain in your heart after that happened? That should feel like proof enough to validate the idea that you’ve been hurt, you are a victim, and you will be a survivor of this grief and pain. 

I need you to know that I see a lot of my younger self in you and I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. This isn’t your fault. It was never your fault. You have been hurt and tricked by people to feel like it's your fault. It’s not your fault. This is what abuse feels like, this is what gaslighting feels like. You know that someone will warp your perception of the world and make you question every little thing you know. That’s what this is. This is what the abuse is. You feel like you’re the one at fault and you’re the one to blame when you’re not. You’re a child, and everyone was meant to protect you and look after you. Not hurt you, not break your trust, not treat you like shit. 

You need to know that getting help is not a bad thing. Do not fear help. It will change nothing about you. You’ve lived so long with depression and pain, that trying to imagine a life without that feeling is hard. But, I promise you that you will not change when you get help. You will only grow and learn to function better. That is what therapy is for. My fiance was like that, and he’s learned through therapy how to function and tricks to help himself when things feel like shit. I’m proud of him for that. And? 

I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there when it’s scary to get help from other people. I’m proud of you for fighting in spite of how scared and nervous you are. I’m proud of you for taking the first step on the road to learning that you were never meant to be hurt. 

As far as your family goes, I sincerely want you to know that if you know that they said something and hurt you, they hurt you. Don’t let them make you think you’re at fault when you’re not. Do not feel guilt or shame. They want you to blame yourself. They see themselves as never having done wrong, but they did, and they hurt you. They’re wrong. You really shouldn’t be stuck around these people, but I trust you to take care of yourself and to continue to open up in therapy. 

Learn your rights. Stand your ground. Remember that you have power. You will beat this feeling and you will never let anyone make you feel like less of a person again. You’re strong, and you’ve always been strong. Keep your head up and know that people believe in you. I believe in you. 

[starstruck-xavier]

Signs

TW for suicide attempt but this is my first @badthingshappenbingo​ fic! so i’ll probably have the summary etc under the cut because it’s very angsty

ao3 || wattpad || bthb masterpost || fanfic masterpost || main masterpost

words: 1585 ships: platonic anxceit, extremely subtle queerplatonic moxiety fandom: sanders sides prompt: suicide attempt

summary: It seems like every time Virgil's planned out a final attempt, it's been foiled by other plans that distract him from his initial intentions. It's this time, however, that he finds out how.

X = finished, O = planned/wip i might take requests? i don’t know yet, i’ll definitely announce when i am hdghfdf stay safe out there everyone <3

~

The exhilaration that washes calmly over Virgil as he gazes at the pills in his hand could almost be interpreted as fear, but he tries to morph it into a type of excitement or relief. Of course, he’d much rather live a happy life that’s not muddled with mental health issues and he can feel his heart beating out of his chest as if his fight-or-flight reflexes are about to kick in and have him give up on this attempt entirely, but this is what he’s been planning for some time. He’s actually made it, he can’t just bail this time.

Each of the planned attempts he’s made in the past have always been unintentionally interrupted by his friends (or maybe they were intentional, a small voice in the back of his head suggests, but he highly doubts it). A few months ago he was on the rooftop when Logan came out too, saying he wanted to study the sky as it was a clear night, and he stayed with him as they both stargazed together. A while before that he ran into Patton on his way to the bridge downtown and they ended up getting coffee together before walking back to campus. Perhaps it was a year ago by now when he was going about trying to take apart a disposable shaving razor when the twins decided to invite him to see a movie and then play video games back at the dorm. It was a nice movie. Virgil remembers poking harmless fun at Roman for crying during the emotional parts, how Roman then returned the teasing when Virgil sneezed at the sudden sunlight upon exiting the cinema. He remembers the taste of salt and toffee dissolving in his mouth. The sound of the brothers arguing over a Smash tournament as he very easily beat them both in each game they played. The smell of Belgian chocolate at the quaint cafe that Patton took him to. The sight of Logan’s relaxed smile and the reflection of the stars in his glasses. The feeling of contentment every time someone made him forget about what he was about to do.

The feeling of blood trickling down his arm and bruises on his collarbones. The sight of his teary face in the mirror as he tries countless times to pull it together. The smell of his room during a depressive episode when he can’t even begin to try cleaning up. The sound of his muffled, hitched breaths at night when he suffers through panic attacks alone. The taste of nothing but chewing gum and metal.

Where there’s good, there’s more bad, and Virgil will never understand the optimism in some of his friends. They all have their passions, the things that will always make them smile, the will to push through the hard times like it’s as simple as swimming through water. But while they all swim expertly through clear water, Virgil struggles through a thick bog with no swimming abilities at all.

The idea of death has always frightened him, but perhaps it’s time to face that fear head on.

The knocking at the bathroom door doesn’t even phase him this time around. He’s aware that he’s crying but ignores his core impulses as he raises his hand to his parted lips, tastes the bitter capsules in his hand, about to swallow maybe six or seven of them. But then, suddenly, his movements falter and his body shudders all over, because of course his anxiety would stop him from doing this, and whoever’s on the other side of the door finally manages to unlock it from the outside and break in to see the sorry sight.

“Virgil!” The shout sounds all too familiar. Janus rushes over and immediately takes hold of the wrist connected to the hand that’s clamped over Virgil’s mouth; the fear on his friend’s face counters any coolness that he usually exhibits, looking shocked, almost guilty. “Virgil, spit out whatever’s in your mouth.”

How did he know? For a moment Virgil’s clueless, but then remembers just how perceptive and observant Janus secretly is. One of his courses is about psychology, he’d know if someone’s showing concerning signs. Brief memories of brightly coloured posters in doctors’ offices flash through his mind about signs that someone may be about to commit suicide: a sudden change in appearance (Virgil had told Roman he was thinking of growing out his hair, but really he was too nervous and unmotivated to visit the hairdressers), becoming withdrawn or detached (Patton gave Virgil a hug one time that he doesn’t quite remember feeling; he felt like he was watching his body from across the room), prolonged sadness or mood swings (he still feels guilty about reacting with annoyance when Logan pointed out that he seems a little more melancholy lately). Janus would know these things. Those posters are probably all over the psychology textbooks, he’s probably read that list of signs a hundred times.

Apparently he’s taking too long to react, because Janus taps him lightly on the cheek with his other hand. "Don’t act like I can’t tell what you’ve got in there.” He tugs at Virgil’s arm gently, his voice strict and serious sounding while his movements are delicate, not violent or made out of anger like Virgil had expected. "I’m not leaving you until I know you’re okay. Spit it into the sink.”

Fresh tears well up in his eyes as he removes his hand from his mouth and spits the pills into the porcelain bowl. His plans are all over. Again.

"That’s better.” Janus’ voice immediately softens, although still maintaining a serious and concerned tone as his eyes stay fixated on Virgil’s face. "Much better. Is there anything else you’ve done?”

Virgil shakes his head and inhales sharply as his brain finally catches up, he’s failed yet again but this time it’s different because he’s been caught, caught by the psychology student of all people, and now he’s going to tell everyone else - a string of breathy sobs steal the rest of the air from his lungs. "I’m sorry—“

"No, none of that. No apologising.” Removing his grip on Virgil’s wrist, Janus instead moves to hold his hand comfortingly. "Do you think you can talk to me about this? I'm not going to pressure you, but I will ensure that you talk to somebody, at least.”

"Don’t you— don’t you have a class soon?” Virgil uses his free hand to rub the tears from his face, but the action doesn’t really do much as the old tear tracks are quickly replaced with new ones. This is the first time in months that he’s let himself cry uncontrollably like this in front of someone else; his cheeks feel warm with embarrassment.

Janus notices this and raises one eyebrow, his expression appearing almost hurt. "You think I'm going to prioritise a class over a close friend of mine who just tried to kill himself? That I've found you trying to swallow the pill bottle and now I'm just going to leave you alone?” There’s a beat of silence as Janus examines Virgil’s face, seemingly finding something amongst the chapped lips and avoidant eyes that proves, perhaps, deep down, Virgil really did expect for him to leave for a class in which he could easily ask for notes from someone who’ll actually show up. His voice drops, almost to a whisper. "Really?”

Virgil’s throat feels scratchy and dry as his breath hitches again. "I…”

Memories start to flood his mind again, but these are different. The side glances that Janus would give him that Virgil passed off as nothing - people look at things and other people all the time, right? The hushed whispers to their other roommates, him telling Logan that tonight’s a great opportunity to stargaze, telling Patton that there’s a new cafe in town that sells amazing Belgian chocolate with its drinks, telling Roman and Remus that he thinks they’d love the new film coming to the local cinema. He probably also suggested to them, when Virgil wasn’t there, that they should take their reclusive friend too. That he deserves a sweet treat. That he’d love to know about the upcoming meteor shower.

And now that Virgil thinks about all those events, when plans were unintentionally interrupted by stargazing or platonic coffee dates or movies, he remembers the soft looks, the carefree laughs, the gentle touches. Remus really went out of his way to make sure Virgil had easy access to his favourite snacks during the film while Roman congratulated him with hugs when he won the Smash tournament. Patton paid for the entire coffee date despite Virgil’s protests and seemed to catch his eyes with a fond glance as he kissed him on the cheek playfully just to see him smile. Logan caught him looking down at the traffic and the streetlights below him and cupped Virgil’s face with his hand, lifting up his chin so he could see the breathtaking array of constellations that shone despite the light pollution of the ruthless city.

How would they have reacted if they didn’t distract him from his plans in time? If Janus wasn’t there to see the signs and alert them? Virgil pictures their faces, solemn, tear-stricken, in agony of losing a friend. And then he makes eye contact with the man in front of him again, the one who just saved his life, and amazingly, this isn’t even the first time.

"I’ll tell you about everything.”

[naturesgender]

hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3

[whenallsaidanddone]

A rant but just hear me out

So as some of my friends and followers know a year ago (366 days ago to be exact) I had my second child. My mean ass loud mini Banshee little girl, don't let that description fool you I love my girl and my boy with all my heart, but over the last year I've learned some shit about myself and reopened some old wounds I didn't realize I hadn't forced closed properly. Helloooooooo shitty coping mechanisms, denial, and avoidance. But over the last almost two and a half months I finally stopped fighting myself and got back on antidepressants (this is something I had worked hard to stop taking 7 years ago after some SEVERE side effects) I have fought depression and self harm since i was TEN. i stopped hurting myself over a decade ago I got my emotional fluctuations to a level of control where I could function pretty damn well and then boom I have my beautiful little Banshee and I have post partum depression, PPD is a fucking monster it's awful because no one talks about how it's not just being sad or unmotivated and just numb no no no it is so much more than that, because let me tell you over the last 366 Days I have been hulk smashing mad. Yes in the beginning I was a crying mess and some days I'm easier to upset but most days I am an irritable short tempered walking bomb. The meds help and I'm doing therapy to help with those old wounds but my point is no one talks about the ugly parts of being pregnant and having kids, but I will. I'm not going to sit and be like it's all rainbows. And before anyone is like "don't take it for granted some people can't have kids" let me tell you a thing I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS I lost NINE pregnancies before my Bub and I spent very minute terrified I was gonna lose both of them. My first delivery (my Bub) was not good he got stuck I couldn't feel if I was pushing correctly and the dr was an asshole when I grunted because he was almost out and I was bearing down to get some more oomph to push him out ("be quiet this isn't like the movies") with my Banshee it was quick and a little easier aside from a peri tear my epidural broke so I felt it all and could tell if I was pushing right. I'm sorry I'm rambling. My point is I'm always here to listen be it infertility issues or struggling as a mom, general depression, self harm, or questions you don't know who to ask baby I've lived a long complicated life I might just have an answer for you.  

[lovesick-kitty]

Hello kittycutysicky 1,2,10,12

1. When did you first realize that something was wrong?

i have always been off, but i really started to notice it around the end of 5th grade. (i think i was around 10 years old?) i was placed into counseling for a short amount of time after i had threatened to kill myself during a fight with my best friend. i was also constantly daydreaming and felt disconnected from my surroundings, everything was really hazy and, at the time, i didn’t know what dissociation was. i had just assumed that everyone felt that way sometimes. I started to realize that most people didn’t actually feel this way. and most people my age didn’t feel suicidal either. that’s when it really clicked that something was wrong.

2. What was your childhood like?

My home life was unstable. my mom divorced my father when i was very young due to his alcoholism. she started seeing a couple other guys and they were very bad people; they mistreated me and my mother. my mom and the people she saw were constantly fighting. i was mistreated by them for most of my childhood. (CPS even got involved a couple times.) We also, as a family, moved around a lot during that time too. In school, i was a good student and managed to get placed into advanced classes, but I didn’t fit in well. I had friends, but I definitely struggled. It wasn’t all bad though, I have many good memories, too! Although my father wasn’t around for very long, I remember he sometimes took me and my older brother to super fun places. I still have the souvenirs from those days. There’s so many other things I could talk about but I don’t wanna write too much!

10. What are three myths about BPD that people need to understand- and three hard truths about BPD?

Myths:

Borderlines are just dramatic

BPD isn’t that serious/not a valid diagnosis

People with BPD are manipulative and only want attention

Hard Truths:

Borderlines experience emotions far more intensely than the average person. While spiked emotions may just appear “dramatic” from an outside perspective, the emotions are very real for the person experiencing them. They can be so painful that many people with bpd turn to escape methods/try to numb the pain by using methods such as drugs, alcohol, deliberate self-harm, etc. Telling a borderline they are “just being dramatic” invalidates what they are going through.

BPD is a severe condition that can require treatment; neglecting care for the disorder can be severely harmful. Suicide rates among borderlines are extremely high, with 10% of borderlines dying from suicide (this is 50% higher than the general population)

The idea that people with BPD are manipulative and only want attention is a very negative and harmful stigma. People with BPD feel emotions more intensely than the average person, and, many people diagnosed with BPD also struggle with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, among other things. While some borderlines behave in toxic ways (especially in media representation), they do not represent everyone else with the disorder or even the majority.

12. Can you please explain how your BPD has taken control over your life- please list and describe three main areas for someone that is not well educated on this disorder.

Interpersonal Relationships - Everyone experiences the disorder differently. In my case, I struggle a lot with attachment and emotional dependency. I always seem to end up with a “FP” (favorite person). FPs, for people with BPD, are people - or, a person, whom they have an emotional dependency on. FPs can make or break our days and it’s usually a roller coaster of emotions to have a FP. I can be having a great day and be in a great mood, but notice my FP left a message on read, and spiral downhill for the rest of day as a result. I know it’s irrational to think and feel this way, so I try my best to never bring it up or act on it during our interactions. However, I can’t stop feeling these intense emotions over my FP’s words and actions that should not bother me. To give some more examples, it can also be things like, a shift in tone in their voice, them spending time with other friends, talking to me less than normal, even just being busy with life! These things lead to me spending hours in bed because of the intensity of my emotions, self-harming, and I used to have a problem with alcohol. There is honestly so, so much more to this but I don’t wanna write too much.

Sense of Identity - I dont really know who I am; my interests and goals can shift rapidly. I’ll find a new hobby and think i’m passionate about it, only to get bored and lose interest soon after. I’ll pick out a career path, and think “this is it!! this is what i’ll do with my life!!” and change my mind the next day. I don’t know what I’m passionate about, I don’t know what I want for my future, it’s always changing and i get discouraged easily. I don’t understand who I am as a person, i pick up characteristics and viewpoints from my friends or even characters i admire, but I don’t know how much of it is actually “me”, especially since these characteristics can sometimes conflict with each other, if that even makes sense?. My image of myself is usually distorted in some way. Body Dysmorphia is another common symptom of BPD and it involves obsessing over perceived flaws in appearance. One example is that I weigh 85 pounds and once I start to get close to 90, I start eating an unhealthily low amount to maintain the 85. Another thing that affects my self image is “black and white thinking”. it’s the inability to see both the good and bad in something, you either see “all good” or “all bad”. so sometimes I think of myself as an a great person, an angel even. other days, i hate myself more than you can imagine. This sort of thinking also applies to the way i sometimes view other people, not just the way i view myself, and this relates more to #1- I often switch between idealizing and idolizing somebody i’m close to, and devaluing them. One day they are a saint and nothing less, but after something minor, they are suddenly a monster of a human being. and it can go back and forth. (this is also called splitting) It’s an awful way of thinking, but i’ve learned to recognize it and I try not to act on these thoughts- managing and rationalizing them is key!  

Day to Day Life - As somebody who is unmedicated, not in therapy, and living in a toxic environment, i struggle. Because my mood can shift so easily, I can never really trust myself to be okay. I have moments, or sometimes even days, where i’m beaming with joy and i accomplish a lot, and tell myself i can do this everyday. but i always end up crashing back down. or, i just lay in bed for hours feeling drained, unmotivated, and incapable of accomplishing things. 

There is so much more that I didn’t get into, but i covered a couple important things! If you actually read this all the way through- thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my thoughts- this is something that I don’t really talk about, most of my friends and even the people im closest to don’t know too much; i just don’t talk about it often, so im glad to share my experiences and thoughts on this ♡

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[deltastorm101]

Dealing with horrible events

About tasks, challenges, motivation and drive.

I'll be speaking from experience. I was convinced that what I've felt even before that event wasn't depression. Today I know better but this isn't what this will be about. This is about thinking back. Retracing steps and paths you might take or have taken in case of some kind of incident. And about my love for understanding the language of our mind.

Note: This is what happened to me, how it felt and looked to me. I didn't research a single thing about this, I just wrote it down, rephrased it, generalized it a bit and now lay it before you. For whatever it's worth - and if it's just for self-therapy, which is a powerful force not to be underestimated. Maybe take it as an analogy of the five stages of grief.

My mental state could be divided into five phases: 1. Numb 2. Overwhelmed 3. Reflecting 4. Managing/Open eyes 5. Flow The Flow is the phase a healthy person is ideally in (and we all strive to be in), which doesn't mean that person never has setbacks or unmotivated periods of time. It's the one society expects us to always be in if we want to achieve anything. Which is cruel and unrealistic.

Numbness is what we feel when we're at our lowest, which is kind of a good coping mechanism of the brain if you think about it: you feel so much at the same time that it would cause it to overload and crash, and to prevent that, to protect you and itself, it just flips the emotion switch and makes you feel nothing at all. You just... don't care. I've experienced this phase for about 3 months.

The moment you get scared of all the tasks life keeps throwing at you, you've entered the next phase. I remember myself feeling incredibly weighed down by normal, everyday stuff like taking out some trash or take a shower - I wasn't scared of bad grades, I wasn't scared of going to school - I was afraid of the mere way there. I was afraid of using up energy, of movement, because I didn't want to move. Everything hurt. It was never the case that I couldn't get out of bed, I always managed that for some reason - but everything that followed? A blur. My brain doesn't even want to remember. My guess on this? Saving these memories would have taken up too much energy that was required elsewhere. Which is just fantastic regarding the fact that I want to graduate in a few months and people will want me to know that exact stuff from the time I was in shards. Great, huh.

My Reflecting phase was triggered multiple times by a whole chain of events, and it was very closely intertwined with the Overwhelmed phase. You could say whenever something happened that made me think, I could take a break. A brief moment of not feeling overwhelmed and crushed, just focusing on here and now. Together, the Reflecting/Overwhelmed phases are also the ones that took the longest - in my case about 6 months.

And one day, you'll see that you're not scared of the trash or the shower anymore. You find yourself reading texts you couldn't read before, because you couldn't concentrate enough to stay focused. You take exams, go in there with a healthy dose of nihilism and a tiny dash of "Fuck It™", and you discover that you're still here. You discover that life hasn't killed you yet. That you're still sane, despite and opposite to what your toxic and ugly mind kept telling you over and over again. You open your eyes. The world gets back its colour, and when you cry, you have an actual REASON to cry, a genuine and real trigger that makes you bawl your eyes out, and it feels good, it feels so good, to be sad because of a reason. An oxymoron if I’ve ever seen one. I'm currently in phase 4. Of course, I want to take the next step. News flash, I can't. Because actively taking these steps doesn't work. You're adjusting, bit by bit, and only when you look back one day and see the progress you've made, you can see where the shift has happened. What you can't see is why it happened. We always seek for truth and proof and evidence and clarity. And we overlook how surreal and unrealistic these truths and proofs really are.

[illumoux]

IB ➞ Art school???

I’ve gotten some PMs with questions about taking the IB Programme in high school and how it’s now affecting me in art school now so I thought I would finally do a Post(TM) about it. Again, everything I’m about to talk about is based on my personal experience but please feel free to talk with me if you have any concerns about this post. I want to put myself out there and help others if I can since I had so much support getting to where I am now. If you have any other questions about art college or the likes, please feel free to shoot them my way 💘

WHAT IS IB?

The International Baccalaureate Programme (aka. IB) is a “fast paced” program for middle and high school students that’s supposed to promote students to think independently and critically. At my school, there was a set courselist, with one or two elective choices. Some courses were Standard Level (SL) and some were Higher Level (HL), which certain post secondary schools allow to swap out for first year credits. IB is different in different schools and different countries though, but overall, It’s meant to be an alternative and more challenging high school experience. 

IB + ME: 

I can’t say I had the most positive time in IB or anything since I was also REALLY struggling with mental health at the time and had hated every moment I was in high school. But upon reflection, there really were things to be gained from the experience. Pros and Cons. 

I was in full IB until second semester grade 10. At that point, I was already thinking about studying art after high school, but was afraid to commit to it entirely because there was so much pressure from my parents and peers to go into a “respectable” career and get a “high paying job in science or math or business” or something. So I dropped to partial IB as a compromise and took IB math, Art and HL English, as well as regular Ontario Uni level Physics, Bio, CompSci, etc etc etc. 

DO YOU USE ANY OF THE STUFF YOU LEARNED IN IB CLASSES IN ART SCHOOL? 

No. 

I have an official credit for Grade 12 Advanced Functions but the most math I do now is occasionally multiplying by 12. Could I solve a quadratic equation now? Don’t even know what that is anymore. 

BUT! You never know what could inspire you. I was so interested in quantum physics, I’m literally writing a story about parallel universes. Learning is almost always good. 

LET’S TALK ABOUT IB ART FOR ONE HOT SECOND: 

I did find IB Art incredibly applicable and helpful because it taught me how to keep a sketchbook and understand the creative process, neither of which you actually directly get graded on in the animation program at Sheridan but is personally tremendously beneficial for developing ideas and creating pieces. Now I draw thumbnails for everything I do. And I appreciate them!

Even if you walk away from IB Art with the most garbage collection - no sweat, it’s only high school and it’s learning the process of creating art that is so so important! When I applied for Sheridan Illustration (the same year I was accepted into Sheridan Animation), I basically repeated a simplified version of the IB Art process and was accepted into the program with a portfolio score of 80, with 9/10s in Process/Ideation, Media Exploration and Sketchbook, which you REALLY focus heavily on in IB Art. 

I would highly recommend taking IB Art if you are thinking about doing art after high school, or doing art in general. 

BEING AN ART STUDENT IN IB:

I hate that Art Kids(TM) have a bad rep. People always assume that art is a dead end career and we all starve and we’re all morally questionable people but that’s not true at all!

But being that Token Art Kid in IB (outside of IB Art class) actually made me feel awful back then. I was always kind of an odd one out. That’s not to say that people weren’t nice or anything. But there was so much pressure to not go into art. Ever since I was a kid, I’d always wanted to be an “artist when I grow up” but I found that in high school, I’d often say that I was “interested in art but was also thinking of pursuing an alternative career in this and that” because I was afraid of being looked down on in an environment where everyone around me wanted to do something “brainy”. Admitting that I wanted to do art almost felt self depreciating because everyone else was actually going to get a “real job” and live “better lives”. But that’s totally not the case! I ended up spending a lot of time taking a bunch of science and math courses I didn’t really like to maintain my twenty thousand irrelevant Back-Up Plans.

IB AND LEARNING SKILLS: 

I think no matter what you do, having good organization and time management skills is always going to be so so important! 

Sheridan Animation is such a loaded program, you really have to try to schedule your time well. I used to complain about the IB courseload but I honestly feel like Sheridan Animation is so much more laborious. We had 8 courses + an elective last semester, each about 2 to 3 hours a week, plus all the time you had to put into doing homework and living life and sleeping. 

Even though IB is meant to keep you busy to force you to learn good work ethics, I don’t think forcing someone to work harder necessarily means that they are going to learn how to manage their time. I was 100% unmotivated and depressed and self destructive in high school. I was in IB for four years but I always studied the night before an exam up until the very last one. And when I graduated and moved out, I realized that I was a mess and I had to change, and it was that self realization was what motivated me to learn how to slowly put together my life back together. Only then did I start taking steps to curate my life and learn how to plan ahead and schedule my week and get! stuff! done! 

So all in all, maybe IB does put you in an environment where having good learning skills will benefit you, and maybe that will motivate you to learn how to maintain a good work ethic. But I really do think skills like how to study and learn and live life is something that you have to be aware of as an individual and want to work towards. Being in IB may help with those things, but it isn’t going to suddenly grant you powers to study two weeks in advance and keep track of all your assignments in a way that works for you. You have to learn to do that yourself. 

HL CREDITS (AT SHERIDAN): 

Not all schools acknowledge HL credits. Sheridan claims to. I know people in Sheridan Animation who have used their HL credits at other universities before coming to our school but I’ve never spoken to anyone at Sheridan who has used them in a Sheridan program. 

This is lowkey a call out post @ Sheridan, but I have tried applying for advanced standing with my IB HL credit to replace my electives twice, but neither time went through. They claimed to not have the proper paperwork, and when I paid for IB to send my transcript to Sheridan, it was never found (despite there being a confirmation email from IB that it had been sent to the right place) so I was unable to get it processed due to a lack of paperwork. And when I tried to follow up through email, I was ignored. 

(If you have successfully gotten your HL credit request to go through at Sheridan, please PM me and tell me how :’^)) 

I do know for a fact that even if you could, in theory, replace some electives at Sheridan with your HL credits and as long as you still had enough courses a semester to consider you a full time student, you would still pay the same amount of tuition. You would just be less busy. 

SHOULD I TAKE IB THEN? 

Honestly, it’s up to you and your own life! 

I know I rambled on for so long only to give the most passive and watery advice but I think you should do what you believe is best for you! Just be aware that whatever you choose is going to lead you to a different future and all your actions will have consequences (good or bad or either) and be okay with that. 

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t do IB so I could have more free time to draw. Maybe if I drew more in high school, I would have gotten into Sheridan Animation a year earlier. But if I did that, I wouldn’t have learned how to paint in Art Fundies and have the friends I do now and live with people I love. Everything I’ve ever done up to this point has brought me here and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past so all I can do is work on making my future, you know :)) 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Good luck! 

[sophieyouneedtogetbetter]

Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways.. 

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired. 

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.  

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either. 

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal. 

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it. 

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own. 

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling.. 

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I  Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021 

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive. 

April 11th 2021 

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know  you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021 

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life) 

June 22nd 2021 

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap. 

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I  think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I  find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset. 

[jamievoiceover-blog]

How Life is Strange has affected me - Who am I?

I’m Jamie and I love Life is Strange. It’s a bit complicated on how to explain how I found out about it, and what has happened since then but I’m going to try my best to fit it into this post. I found out about Life is Strange 3 years ago in January 2015. My friend Vince recommended it to me after I played through Telltale’s The Walking Dead and The Wolf Among Us. I played the demo of it one afternoon after college. I was pretty tired and didn’t feel too great (which will come into play later). I remember liking the demo enough to buy the season pass and finishing the episode that night. I felt a connection towards Max and liked the inclusion of a rewind mechanic towards a choice based game.

Between episode one and two, I skipped class due to illness. I felt unmotivated all the time and every now and again I was getting stomach pains, so I decided to stack episodes two, three and play four whenever it drops at midnight. That was a mistake because I had no idea that it would emotionally destroy me at 5 in the morning. I had so many questions that I wanted answers to, and mainly find people to discuss the game with, so I went to Reddit.

I posted about an idea that I had for a podcast, the name and what would be an ideal number of hosts for an episode. That’s how I met Joey and the Blackwell Podcast was published on August 30th 2015. However, the following Monday was just a bad experience.

I woke up and I was in unimaginable pain. I could hardly move, and I could not keep any food in my system. I was living on water for 3 days. The Thursday was when blood was coming up.I was rushed to the hospital at 1 am and after one x-ray the on call doctor knew what it was; Crohn’s Disease. 

Crohn’s is a chronic form of IBD which is mainly to do with your intestines and can cause inflammation from anywhere in your digestive system. Symptoms can be weight loss, fatigue, vomiting and stomach pain. There is no known cause for why people contract it, but I feel like stress is why I got it. 2014 fucking sucked.

(I currently live in Northern Ireland, but that wasn’t always the case. I lived in England for about 4 years with my dad’s side of the family. Every Friday morning before school, I was dropped off at my grandparent’s house to have breakfast and my Granddad would walk me to school. He is the reason why I am so passionate about video games. He introduced me to games which he played on his Xbox. After I moved I visited him twice. Once was to visit friends from my old school, and the other was for a party. I hugged him before I left for home. I still don’t know why I did. He isn’t an affectionate guy. 

Flash forward to November 2013. My parents sit me down and tell me he had lung cancer. He had until August. My dad and I said as soon as I finished that year of school, I’d fly over and say my goodbyes. February came. I was sitting in the study hall, where I was called to reception. I had no idea what was going on. Then my dad walked in. His eyes were red and he hardly spoke. We got into the car and he told me what happened. My Granddad died that morning. I was in tears, I had no idea how to cope so I did the only thing I was comfortable with. Cry and keep to myself. Unfortunately that led me to getting kicked out of school because I never saw help for my classes and my grades were too low.

I met someone around that time, and I was an emotional wreck that I kind of opened my doors to them. Let’s call them Lee. Lee was a decent enough person who was funny and kind. We bonded over the next few months. I was even going to go visit them. However, they just left me 4 months later. They accused me of loving them, but I was trying not to lose someone in my life that I had considered family. They just left. It hurt and I still haven’t recovered from it. This is why I blame myself for being too stressed that year and why I think I got Crohn’s)

I spent a month in that hospital trying to get a somewhat decent life back but I was too bad for medication so I had to have surgery. I had quite a bit of my small intestine removed and a part of my large intestine. The recovery was a pain because I felt in pain from the surgery, and then you got the pressure of trying to walk, do tasks by yourself and just try and eat again. I was out within 4 days of the surgery. I don’t like thinking about the recovery process so let’s get back to Life is Strange.

I got a new computer because I wanted to do more with the podcast and play Episode 5 on it so I could try and make this a fun distraction of getting back to health. It was. I kept making the podcast and I loved every moment. We even started doing interviews and I started to get a feeling of pride in something that myself and Joey made together in such a short time. 

However, the main focus was to get my health increased physically, which meant I totally neglected my mental health. Currently I am on 45mg of anti-depressants which do either one of two things for me: make me very tired or seem spaced out. This is why the episodes I’ve recorded the past year or so I’ve seemed a tad distant on interviews or episode discussions. 

Today was the podcast’s interview with Ashly Burch and mental health came up. Ashly opened up about being in therapy and I expressed that no matter what happens, that you got to take life at its own pace. It made me want to write this post. I briefly talked about how I kind of relate to Chloe in a sense, and want to expand on it here.

Have there been negatives in my life? Yes. But I learn from them. I’ve had so many cancelled and delayed plans but I try my best to learn from them. It’s why I keep Life is Strange so close to my heart. It gives me a sense of strength that I never thought was possible. I don’t know what I’d be without this game. It really has made me a better person. 

I have made so many friends, met so many people who worked on this amazing franchise.

This post is to people who are involved with Life is Strange and Life is Strange: Before The Storm. It’s a thank you. Thank you for making something that connected to me so deeply and gave me a reason to fight. 

I know some of you know of that I have Crohn’s, but my mental health is as important as my physical.