#so that if we fail that's a Personal Failure to be ashamed of. people don't WANT to believe you can't meaningfully lose weight

[blujayonthewing]

if losing weight was simple and obvious we wouldn't have to have teams of nutritionists meticulously crafting weight-loss programs based on taking advantage of extremely specific and obscure biological processes and that still have like a 95% failure rate

[agatharkn3ss]

Why is Agatha lying?

Some spoilers!

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Ok, so it's getting more and more obvious that Agatha hasn't actually walked the Witches Road before. She always gives vague answers about it, almost like she recites them from memory (someone else told her these things?) and is surprised by the events and mechanics of the first trial.

Also, in one of the promos Teen asks Agatha why she allows people to believe these horrible things about her and she replies that the truth is far worse.

That makes me think that the rumour about Agatha trading her own child for a copy of Darkhold is also not true.

My theory is that her son must've been in some sort of danger and the only way to save him was for Agatha to walk the Road. She probably acquired the Darkhold by then - maybe she made some sort of deal with Rio, but my favourite theory is that Rio simply gifted her the book because they were an item back then. And/or maybe Rio wanted to trick her.

Either way, by the time Agatha's coven gathered, something went wrong. She got greedy/angry with the witches and instead drained their power (we see that scene in another promo). Alone, she could not summon the road so she failed and her son died/was gone forever.

To her this truth would be worse to Agatha for many reasons:

1) it would mean she failed at something and wasn't powerful enough. But she likes people to think that she's "exceptional" (this is the reason she gives Teen when explaining how she supposedly survived the Road) and she seems to derive her own worth from having the power and being "formidable". So in her eyes failure is not acceptable and something to be deeply ashamed for. Maybe that's why she craves more and more power, hoping it would fix her/make her feel better.

2) it would mean Agatha's own greed/temper/arrogance costed the life of someone she loved. We know Darkhold corrupts the mind, so she might be blaming Rio for giving her the book that affected her behaviour. But deep down she knows that Darkhold or not, she probably would've reacted the same way and she's ashamed of it

3) it makes her psychologically vulnerable and it scares her. She took the effort to point out to Rio that she's only "physically" vulnerable, but that's not what we saw in her "Agnes O'Conner' persona. Agatha likely never allowed herself to process the grief and doesn't know how to, probably still hanging on to the hope that one day she'll bring him back.

So rather than exposing the shame of all of the above, she chose to lie and tell everyone she did walk the Road and that the child was gone because she traded him for the Darkhold. She probably was telling this lie for so long - hundreds of years - that a part of her actually believes it.

Saying all of that, I don't like that theory and that the writers seem to be making Agatha's story all about her child. Because... doesn't that sound too familiar? Not being able to process the grief? Yearning for power to bring back her child? It feels like we're seeing just a re-write of Wanda, quickly falling into a trope that "every successful lady cop [witch] cannot have a healthy personal life" and must be longing for the fulfillment of motherhood...

So I really really hope that the writers don't go in that direction and that they stop making Agatha's entire arch all about child loss because that would just be so lazy and offensive - she's so much more colourful and deserves so much better.

I hope that all of that is just a bit of baiting to make us believe Teen is her son, when in fact he's someone else (Billy?). I mean it's Agatha's series and not Teen's or Wanda's!!! So maybe at one point the Road will make Agatha choose and she will give up the locket with (her son's?) hair and with that also the hope that she will ever bring him back. So it would stop holding her back and we can see her in all of her glory.

....And also so that she could shift all of her attention to a certain Green Witch.... *Pretty please*

[abyssalzones]

C-PTSD as a diagnosis makes so much sense for Ford because he really does fit almost all of the criteria, ESPECIALLY if you take the stuff in J3 into account in conjunction with his traumatic childhood (bullying, bad dad, etc.). It just makes sense in regards to his motivations and his issues with interpersonal relationships (like with Stan). Also buring yourself in your work (like he does) is a very common 'flight' coping mechanism to trauma in adults

I'm smiling like this right now

ford's whole.... mental health deal is extremely interesting to examine because Oh my god this man is the textbook image for "reacting to ongoing, continuous trauma". intentional or otherwise (I'm inclined to believe it's both).

like. okay hang on I'm about to get very in depth with it

I feel like there's no way this entire guy's life and in some ways his lasting identity haven't been defined by and constructed around various forms of trauma, maybe the most obvious and true-to-canon-intent being peer abuse/bullying from childhood. a lot of people downplay the impact of this type of abuse but it's... responsible for a lot of social ills in shocking ways. (if you're more interested in this topic here is an article my friend mer linked me a while back, it gets into it very deeply)

(a lot of this is going to be sourced from the wikipedia page for CPTSD [and my own experience Living with it] which I realize isn't very professional of me but Whatever this is tumblr)

one of the core tenets of ford's personality is that he's Different. he owns it, sure- his six fingers become a point of pride rather than something to be ashamed of- but they make it extremely clear that from a young age he associated being different with being a social pariah. ford's generation was characterized by notoriously cruel bullying, and anything that remotely made you stand out rendered you a target. ford could've been bullied for being nerdy and jewish (and failing to perform socially, ie dating) alone, having such an obvious mutation definitely was not winning him any points.

so it's honestly no surprise, when from childhood ford feels like he has One person in the world to trust and confide in, that he would go on to form very unhealthy attachment patterns typical of CPTSD. as you elaborated on regarding AvPD (which I know far less about but seems to have comorbidity with CPTSD): if you're hard-wired to believe socializing with others results in failure or betrayal, then you're not going to make an effort. but what does end up happening is that you're going to pour all of your trust and dependency into one person at a time, one person who is "safe".

previously, that was his brother. and it's not really hard to draw the conclusion from there that fiddleford was a subject of ford's attachment style, considering he was his One friend from college, and... one of Maybe two people ford is friends with at all who he isn't related to. he cites him as the only person he can possibly trust to work on the portal project alongside him, and he still can't bring himself to tell him the full truth, because he's terrified of losing him. I love their dynamic (I do think they were mutual best friends, and there was no small amount of trust reciprocated between them. "fiddleford was weird as hell too" is something I keep coming back to) and I don't think it's built on entirely unhealthy terms, but that kind of pressure is... setting things up to crash and burn.

enter bill stage left. back to "continuous yearning to be liked and accepted"- this guy knew that and made every effort to prey on ford's insecurities to reel him in as close as possible. this is what really pisses me off about the idea that bill was just "inflating ford's ego", because it's way, way more insidious than that. throughout the entirety of journal 3 we see ford reintroduce someone to his life he has a very positive relationship with (fiddleford) and how that trust gets gradually broken down by bill's influence "winning out" over their friendship. I think it's safe to say ford was already vulnerable: from the start, he'd been isolated in his research for six years (and it's unclear for how long he'd known bill by 1982), and bill proved time and time again to be someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would praise him for his hard work, and perhaps most critically, make him feel like being different was something special.

like that's... that's really not good!!!! and that kind of thing works wonders on someone who has already settled with the idea that they're inclined to be alone just by design.

trying to put a cap on this. in relationships like the one he's had with his brother or fiddleford it doesn't even necessarily have to be ""toxic"" (vague term anyway) or outwardly bad to be built on unhealthy attachment patterns, and considering for a good chunk of ford's life his attachment to others can be characterized as "I can only trust ONE person at a time" it feels essential to any discussion of his CPTSD or canon trust issues. That is something that happens a lot in Real cases of CPTSD (hi) and only further snowballs into More trauma by leaving you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse (see: bill.)

I've been going on for way too long now and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the thing I wanted to elaborate on sorry. that post traumatic stress disorder can complex

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Because I read the tags - would you be willing to share more about that explicit curriculum for unlearning shame about questions? It sounds very cool!

I'm happy to try!

So, I work for a healthcare practice, and am the lead supervisory staff for the internship program these days (because apparently I have "leadership qualities" like "patience" and "enthusiasm for answering questions" and "a strengths-based teaching style"). Those who know me may understand that this is a choice I make under very specific circumstances as a psychiatric abolitionist because even if you can't change a system from the inside, until external changes are fully implemented, there are still people who need and deserve support from an extent system.

This means that an enormous portion of my curriculum with interns is "what it means to be someone in the position of wielding state power" and how to analyze and decomstruct systems of hierarchy. Because if there's one thing I will not do, it's sign off on a future mental health care provider who hasn't been comprehensively exposed to anti-psych conversations and anchored to "patient-led" communities and ethical critiques.

Within the first four weeks, we have the following lessons as a group:

Week 1: we are in positions of state-reinforced authority, and because of that I am going to ask you to be as vulnerable and open in our group work space as you want/expect your patient's to be. If you cannot do that, I cannot help you. Because we operate in a telehealth capacity, it is UP TO YOU to tell me when you need help because while I can "swing by" and check in with you, I fundamentally cannot notice from 6hrs away that you need help. This is not a role in which you can afford to feel ashamed of needing help, because shane leads to avoidance and avoidance leads to unintentional preventable harm, and if this is REALLY what you want to do, you need to take that seriously

Week 2: what does "learning to fail safely" look like for you? How do you recognize when you are failing/have failed and how do you take a functional look at how that went down without personalizing/internalizing any commentary about yourself from the experience (how can you learn to hold yourself and others in unconditional regard without sacrificing safety, boundaries, or needs of well-being)? What thoughts intrude in your mind when you have made a mistake or realize you don't know what to do? Until we understand how to help you actually hear what failure has to tell you about the path to success, the shoulds and shouldn'ts will control your decisions in ways you probably won't even notice. Who and how were you taught to feel ashamed of needing a period of adjustment/learning curve when interacting with a new skill or idea? What function does that shane serve for you?

Week 3: what is your actual learning process? Like specifically, i don't care WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW i care HOW YOU CAME TO "KNOW" WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW. Knowledge is inherently contextual and subjective. Are you aware of how that cookie crumbles for you specifically? Able to see both where you may be internalizing information you don't mean to and how you go about intentionally adding to or changing your knowledge? Where could this process change or improve or be adaptable in non-ideal circumstances?

Week 4: what skills do YOU think you are strong in? Which are still feeling vulnerable? Lets learn how you internalize/cultivate feelings like security, stability, confidence, compassion, etc. Lets talk about how to "self-reflect" without "self-interrogation/self-doubt" and how to sit in uncomfortable tense realities that need reconciled or processed. How do you let multiple things with overlapping conflicted areas be true at once?

Week 5: lets learn HOW to ask questions. In part we do this by introducing "case consultation" where an intern comes into group, describes a hypothetical (or real and fully anonymized) situation and asks for the group's thoughts on any dilemmas or uncertainties you see. But in part it's also about how *I* answer their questions. Because I don't "answer them" for the most part. I let the other interns answer directly, and I exclusively either INTERROGATE THE QUESTION ITSELF (why are you asking x and not y in this case? How have you heard the person discuss this related component? What are YOU feeling and how is it motivating the choices you're making and the options you're considering? What do you know already about this symptom/experience you are describing? That sort of thing) or I provide first person narratives from past clients, colleagues, and intra-communal conversations that may offer context and compassion for where that person is and WHY they are there.

Week 6: learn how to give feedback. What is criticism actually? What's the difference between "speaking a difficult truth" and "being cruel or inappropriate" or between "helping someone find language to communicate their experiences/needs" vs "putting words in someone's mouth". How do you find feedback easier or harder to provide? How do you provide it in ways that maintain accountability while mitigating feelings of defensiveness or rejection from the other party? What does it mean for feedback to be CONSTRUCTIVE and how do you decide to prioritize functional guidance to a peer? How do you root out the desire to "go easy" on peers in the field when they make choices or take actions that are harmful or unacceptable? How do you help each other grow in ways that DO NOT rely on or reinforce shame.

Week 7-14: start demonstrating to me your understanding of these concepts by assuming gradually increasing levels of personal and group responsibility for A) your personal learning, B) the learning/growth of your peers, and C) the form that the internship programming takes in order to acheive the above desired functions

Essentially, those first 6 weeks are heavy on really explicit and visible cognitive untangling of your processes as a person and as a professional, and then the remaining weeks are about building confidence/mastery in these processes such that by term 2 [weeks 15-28] I'm only a facilitator, not a teacher, and by term 3 [weeks 29-42] you should be assuming a teaching role for the new first-term interns. I am here to help you trouble shoot these processes until you feel confident in both cultivation of your OWN self-concept and skills, AND the support/facilitation of OTHERS' self-concept and skills.

We talk a lot about the inherent value of every voice, even in voices we fundamentally disagree with in every way, because communication is still communication even when we don't like or agree with what's being communicated, and understanding how to act on that mechanism with others around you is often a huge part of learning not to feel ashamed of the space you take up in the world, including the space of practicing a new skill or activity.

Conceptually, it seems really straightforward, but we meet probably at least once a day for at least an hour to do this stuff, and we do that for a YEAR, and by the end of it, we have a solid floor of self-esteem and security in the idea of imperfect enactment of human life being inherently valuable regardless of what comes next. It's a lifelong thing for sure tho. I organize these same talks as a continuum for past interns who have become staff and current internship supervisors helping the interns develop their skills, and while our conversations can often have different forms, they are often very similar if not identical in our goals. So like. Straightforward or not, this isn't easy or fast, and I try to emphasize as much as possible that it is also an endless process, not an outcome based static state we can one day acheive. So part of the process also needs to be learning how not to hate or be ashamed of past us no matter how much we had to grow away from past us. That shame will always keep us locked in that little bit of threat around change unless we are consistent with ourselves in kicking it to the curb when it shows up.

I will say, that this is a curriculum I can do because it is a small group (no more than 5 interns per group with 1-2 facilitators) that allows us to pivot and customize the bones of it as needed. I doubt it would function the same way alone or in a large group setting, but I imagine the principles of it could still be helpful in finding what IS functional in those circumstances

[trapny]

Hi! Im eastern european and not knowing shit IS a personal failure. Be ashamed! <3

Bro I'm being so for real with you right now you aren't funny or right.

(this is from that whole "Georgia the country or the state?" thing so I'm gonna rant about that.)

If I said something to you about London bridge, you'd maybe assume I mean a bridge in London. But no. I was talking about London Bridge in Arizona.

And you are a fucking idiot for assuming otherwise. You should be fucking ashamed. I don't care the context of your knowledge or mental state, you are a failure for not knowing which bridge I am talking about.

Obviously that's ridiculous. Now let me explain why Americans assumed the post about transphobia in Georgia was about the state and not the country.

For one, that's just... Closer to us. Not much to it. We receive more news about Georgia the state than Georgia the country. It takes up more brain space, so it's the first thing that comes to mind. That's not a failing. That's just how brains work.

And with the rest of the post, it's still not abundantly clear that it's Georgia the country. In fact, it's pretty in line with how Georgia the state is. It's part of the deep south. So news of transphobia wouldn't be out of place. In fact, it's more like an expectation.

So expecting Americans to be able to read minds and know where you're talking about is ridiculous. It's not any one person's fault that America tends to center and assert itself. Shaming people because they made an assumption based on what they knew is kind of a dick move.

[didiwaffles]

Just fresh out of the argument with my mom

I think I'm fully in my right to yell and cry because she triggered my trauma

My nephew failed his math exam again, which was to be expected tbh at this point but it was about his last chance so he can get into college this year. But literally is it that big of a deal? So what if he failed again. So what if he loses another year. So what if he has to pass it again and again and again. Does it really define him as a person?

Well, my mom's answer was yes.

So then I asked her if his failure meant he's not deserving of support. If he's not worthy of love just because he keeps failing basic math over and over and over again. If me continuously failing college, university, all the other stuff means I don't deserve her support. If her feeling disappointed, her feeling shameful of our failures is more important than our own feelings about our failures.

Apparently, the answer once again was yes.

We also went into what could've been done about it and how she never tries to find a compromise and is satisfied with 'I tried and they didn't like it, that's all I can do' but at the same time rejects every other option because sees her way as the only right one, but all that is not even important. I'm just so... I just see myself in him. As he cried in my room and she kept berating him. And she thinks he deserved it. That I deserve it then too?

And she victimizes herself. It's us who treat her poorly. It's us who tell her mean things, that she's allowed us to behave this way long enough, how she doesn't like being treated like that. It's her who suffers from his failure. It's her who's disappointed, ashamed, has to face people about his failures, about my failures. It's us who need to be "stuffed full of drugs".

And it's me begging her, for once in her life try to think not about herself and how she feels. But how he feels. How I feel. How anyone feels outside of herself. To drop that damn 'I' and stop thinking about herself for damn minute.

[jenovacomplete]

stayed silent publicly at the time to avoid harassment, but given that alex kister's accuser has come forward themselves and acknowledged that their callout post weaponised transmisogyny to ruin kister's life, i feel like i can finally say it: the callout of alex kister and the subsequent spiral is a textbook example of transmisogyny in action, and further exemplifies how few people can put their money where their mouth is when it comes to it. i cannot put into words how fucking heartbreaking that original document is to read, and i cannot articulate my disgust at people who read someone promising to never explore their gender identity or sexuality again and came out the other side going "yeah, this sounds reasonable". in the weeks since, i've been going back and forth over it, and writing this post i keep trying to soften the blow, to make this less impersonal for the naive to read -- but i can't. there is no way for me to spin this as anything but what it is: a failure. every single person who blindly followed this shit failed, and you should be ashamed, because it's fucking shameful that all it took to blind some of you was some vaguely progressive-sounding wording sprinkled throughout a hate screed.

like, every single aspect of that original document is a perfect case study in transmisogyny -- how it frames trans women's sexuality as something inherently awful, the fact that it literally concludes that kister's gender was a fetish... fuck, man, i could go on, but i don't particularly want to. instead, i just want to present this very telling quote from it:

I then created a thread for the channel because I was getting a little annoyed with gender discussions and the Mandela Catalogue discussions colliding and constantly going off-track. He continued talking about his experiences and what he does in private.

this, right here? if opening with outing their ex didn't do it, this should have been your wake-up call. not only is op upset that the creator of the mandela catalogue is taking things "off-topic" by talking about themselves in a tmc server, of particular note is their wording here: "what he does in private", as if discussions of gender are akin to what you do in the bedroom.

this is what happens when you do not know how to define something beyond the dictionary, and this failure has real, tangible consequences for everyone involved. let me reiterate: alex kister was fucking outed. this is something that cannot be undone. i wish it could be, but it can't, and we all have to live with that. about the only kind thing i have left to say is: failure is also an opportunity for growth, and i, for one, hope those who did so take it.

the rest would be against tumblr tos.

[macchiatosdumptruck]

On the Cobra Kai subreddit, someone posted this question: Was Terry always evil and planning on screwing over Kreese, or did he go native after coming back? 

I thought this answer was absolutely spot on:

To keep it simple: sometime after Vietnam, Terry truly became “sinister” (the cocaine helped)—but he was able to (at least to the naked eye) restrain that part of him through a lifestyle change after the fiasco of KK3. Then Kreese came back after thirty years, and unlocked the beast slowly and then all at once by merely mentioning the name of Daniel LaRusso (“Danny boy?!”).

Then Terry’s interest was truly piqued.

What really made Terry turn entirely against Kreese was him realizing that Kreese was once more just using him and never cared a fig for their friendship. He just wanted a soldier so he could play Captain in this war of his own making. Kreese did so in KK3 when he just vanished after Terry “failed him” and Danny boy won the tournament. He had no more use for Terry, so he left without a word.

Now that he’s older and wiser, this time Terry’s loyalty only goes so far. After he beats the shit outta Stingray due to his anger and despair and realization that once again he has been made use of for his loyalty and brains and resources and yes, wealth—that’s when he goes hog wild. He doesn’t start off wanting to betray Kreese—but he sure ends it that way.

Now he is driven only in his deep, total obsession and quite frankly, infatuation of Daniel. Which is what truly set him off in the first place. Which is an entirely different meta—because holy shit, there’s a LOT there.

Anyway, I’d like to add that Kreese is a deeply selfish and horrible person. He is loyal to you only if you uphold his standards. If you fail to do so, then you’re nothing to him. A failure. A loser. Second place. Kreese is loyal—but only if he thinks you’re good enough by his personal standards. If not, well fuck you.

Terry learned this the hard way.

I’d like to add: Terry is loyal to people. Kreese is loyal to ideals. Make of that what you will.

Terry's character arc between tkk3 and CK S4 is so fascinating to me because we see so little of it. All we get is second hand information.

One of the things I find interesting about Terry is how he has his own sense of morals that don't make sense to others but do to himself.

Hr is shown to be incredibly loyal to John in the flashbacks and the entire plot of tkk3 is his idea. something I think people forget about that movie is that Kreese was originally totally okay with just giving up the dojo and moving on and hanging his head in shame. (Which, given how he acts in the show may be considered OOC)

And then it's implied that they totally lost touch after the movie, but it's also canon that Terry tried to help John a few times

"a friend of mine tried to offer me a hand out"

"is that what you want John, a check?"

So it's implied that it was the failure of the tournament that caused their rift but not confirmed. Who left who first? Was it John because he was ashamed of Terry or was it terry because he was trying to move on?

"went to therapy. Got my ass into rehab"

I do think that the "Danny boy" moment was the turning point for Terry, I also think it was the "yes Captain" moment was another.

( it was the only time in canon when Terry cried, and it took me back. I wish I had a pic of it on hand.)

He was clearly really enjoying teaching with Kreese, he took to Kenny especially. But then when Terry managed to one up him, in kreese's eyes, to Terry it was just a well meant bet, he had to pull rank. He had to remind terry of who saved him all those years ago. and I think at that moment Terry realized he wasn't being seen as an equal.

So, it's interesting that Daniel denying his apology was what made him try to take down Miyagi-do. And it's interesting that Kreese trying to put him down was what made him try to take full control over cobra Kai.

[oatmealaddiction]

I'm really glad tumblr has changed and it's not a place where people just shit on kids constantly for being children. That said I'm noticing this sentiment going around that worries me.

The sentiment is basically "Taking care of kids is easy when you just do XYZ. Parents who yell are assholes." And it sort of equates being good with children with being a good person, which to me is a dangerous idea.

Like you wouldn't walk onto a construction site and assume because you're nice and even tempered you therefore have all the tools to build a skyscraper. If you did that you'd feel like a horrible person when you inevitably fuck up, and you'd feel worse if the people trying to help you get better were calling you a bad or dangerous person.

Mr. Rogers was not good with children because he was a good and kind person. Yes he was a very nice guy, but he was also a serious professional who spent years studying child psychology, working with kids one on one in research groups, screwing up and perfecting his methods for decades on top of decades. But people don't see that, and instead the narrative surrounding him is that he was "good" and therefore it must've been easy for him, a natural skill.

Raising kids is really hard. It's a job like any other that requires time, lots of reading, trial and error, and inevitably screwing up. What works for one child is not going to work for another. You will inevitably have days where you do everything wrong, and possibly even days where you lose your shit. When that happens you need to know it's not because you're a bad person who hates children, but because you're acquiring a learned skill that's really hard. Being calm and collected and even headed all the time is a super hard skill to have. Not losing your shit when your kid bites you is really hard. Having good positive and empathetic alternatives to punishment is hard when you've been at it for weeks on end and it's still not working. It takes practice and work, and to be clear that's work you have to do, but it's not easy and if you're not someone who's practiced it before you're going to mess up.

And I think this equating of "good person" with "good parent" sets a lot of people up for failure. On the one hand, you'll have new parents and teachers who have done no reading and no preparation stepping into childcare roles and assuming because they like kids and they're nice that the job will be easy. On the other hand you've got caretakers who cave under stress and yell, or issue a harsh time out, or have a breakdown and then spiral into shame and self hatred for being a "bad person," OR WORSE completely reject any kind of advice or help because they're terrified of admitting to any flaws in their parenting/caretaking because that then reflects on their personhood. In the very worst case scenario, sentiment like this is what breaks up marginalized and impoverished families when they don't have the resources to provide for their children, or when stress takes a toll on a parents mental and emotional well-being. If they were good people who loved their kids, why didn't they take care of them, right?

So like, when we make these posts about how to take care of kids, my best advice is that we have to look at parenting and caretaking as learned skills. You practice them, you grow, you learn, and you will also fail, and it's okay so long as you keep trying to do better everyday. Seek out lots of advice, read books on the subject, take classes, and keep trying and if you feel like you're doing bad, don't be ashamed to seek out help. And for people who are trying to be better, empathy from others is always so helpful, and the community at large should be practicing that. That's what will make more positive environments for children.

[ultramaxketo]

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[flowerhideout]

Same old, same old

I am still me.

I know for a fact that I haven't really changed.

I grew up in some ways, but I know I'm still me.

I'm still me. And it sucks. I don't like it.

The last time I wrote here, I envisioned myself differently. As the years have progressed, I feel like I'm only getting worse. I don’t like this; I didn’t wish for any of this. All I want is to be genuinely happy. I always try to maintain a positive outlook every day and I think I’m doing a pretty good job at it. However, there are days when you just want to wallow in sadness, to find a quiet place where no one can bother you.

I don't remember the last time I wrote here. But let me just give you a quick recap:

2021

I stopped working because I was finally given a chance to continue my studies after years of wishing to pursue my studies. I was beyond happy.

The year I got covid. The last week before I leave my work was also the time I caught covid. No one knew I was sick.

I had a boyfriend. He was my "the one that got away". But we were both taken when we realized it. This is a whole different story.

Completely different. Completely happy because I was finally out of my shell and learned to socialize with other people outside my circle. I was finally doing the stuff that wasn't boring me to death. I was out of the world. I loved it too much.

2022

Online classes start. I spent almost the whole year living at my boyfriend's apartment in Pampanga (where he works). We were basically living in together. I never complained. I was happy.

The year I cut my hair so short it was the shortest I ever had.

The year I felt confident about myself.

The year I realized I wanted more than just this life. I want to achieve the life I really want for myself.

Nothing much has happened. It was just all about school, my love life, and my family.

2023

My school started to do hybrid classes, so I began attending in-person more than online. Hence, I spend most of my days at school.

Still the same boyfriend. I was being so unfair to him during this year. I don't think I will ever be proud of how awful I was to him. I can't even type it here without my stomach turning. It dies with me.

Still confident about myself, partly.

Realizing that I still have no idea what to do with my life.

I didn't like my major before and I still don't like it now.

Was sad and happy all year.

2024

I lost myself.

Sometimes I was me, sometimes I wasn't.

SEVERE quarter life crisis because I'm turning 27 this year.

I was being unfair with everyone around me, including myself.

I don't know if it was me who has a problem, then realizing maybe it really is just me.

I failed a class. No one knows but my classmates. I can't even tell my boyfriend out of embarrassment. I couldn't tell him because I don't want to him think I really am a failure at everything.

I lost my confidence.

I feel really ugly about my appearance.

I still constantly stalk my boyfriend's ex and her family. I don't, for the life of me, know why I still do it. It's been 3 years. I am so ashamed about this but I still couldn't help it.

I don't feel like I can do life anymore. I don't feel intelligent enough to survive this anymore. I used to think I was smart, and now I'm thinking otherwise.

Due to everything I feel, I started to look for an outlet. I started spending all my money whenever I get the chance.

I spend most of my money on concerts.

There’s a certain part of me that wants to be acknowledged. My mind and body wanted me to heal my inner child, so this year I started buying books—a lot of books. My love for books has never changed, but since I don’t have a steady allowance or income to support myself, I sometimes regret spending all my money on books. I would have saved a lot if I hadn’t bought every book I saw.

I am running out of patience, and I know there’s only one year left to study intensely. I just want to do something fulfilling already, but I don’t know how to achieve that while still studying. I wish there were someone who could guide me step by step, without me losing myself in the process.

I am barely hanging on, but I'm still here hoping. Hoping for the best.

Yes, it's still me. I'm still me.

I still have a crisis. I don't know why. I know I need help. I need therapy. I need help.

I just wish people around my will continue to check up on me whenever I feel so overwhelmed about everything. I don't want to give up. I need the strength.

Still me, just 4 years older.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

hi! feel free to disregard this if you feel its an intrusive question or you just wish not to respond.

i saw your response on the post about adhd reward systems and was intruiged and a bit inspired/validated/something. im an undergrad psych/human dev student right now aiming to get a msw and clinical license to do therapy and i struggle with managing my adhd for more than a couple months at a time quite a bit. i often question whether or not i will be able to be in any helping profession due to not feeling like i can manage my own functioning issues. it feels contradictory to me to imagine therapists (and especially possible future me as an lcsw) struggling with anything while still being good therapists. though i know logically that everyone struggles with things from time to time, it feels like one might feel unqualified to help others if they are not able to manage their own issues all of the time.

i was wondering if you had any wisdom about reconciling these things as a therapist with adhd. i was very interested in what you shared about how you manage days when you are having a harder time.

Awwww, rats hun, I'm sorry that you've been worrying about this! I really want to encourage you to reach out off Anon, cuz I'd love to chat more, one social worker to another 💚

That said, I'm gonna try and respond to your ask here as best I can!

First off, it's not too intrusive a question (for me) at all! I try to be really open about certain things in my life, and tend not to reference something on here I'm not comfortable talking more about. Even if it did feel intrusive, I'd answer what I *was* comfy with and declined to comment on the rest.

As for needing to have your own house in order to be able to help others, I mean....yeah, to some extent. But you're a human being, and so are the people on the other side of the chair, and we all benefit from learning how to fuck up safely and come back from that so like. I don't subscribe to the idea that therapists need to be flawless people. There are absolutely things to be attentive to/cautious about (including how we are impacting the person, the space, and the conversation, etc) but I've actually developed BETTER dynamics with clients who let me know I did something they didn't like or that hurt them, and being able to move forward together with a plan to better protect their boundaries in the space. And if the parts of you that you're worried about is outside the space, well. That's why most therapists have therapists. To process, reflect, and monitor ourselves for warning signs that we're sliding outside our boundaries. No one is perfectly under control all the time.

And with ADHD specifically, one of the biggest things people need and deserve access to is the safety to fail, the safety to drop habits and have to pick them back up after things pile up, the safety to not feel ashamed of their experience of the world. Without the active work of unwinding those feelings of shame, behavioral tools/accommodations are often a lot less effective for us. And for a demographic that specifically struggles with emotional security/consistency, that's often an intense process for us to go through. Knowing other people we perceive as successful and thriving may ALSO experience similar cycles and needs to us. If clients genuinely think therapists are perfect, it's easy for those of us on the other side of the chair to let the shame evolve into comparison as a way to self-blame for our perceived failure.

I got my ADHD diagnosis part way through my MSW, and didn't get medicated for it until after I had graduated. I was uhhhhhhhh

Obsessive. About my routines, my organization, my back up plans, all of it. It was hard to believe I could function if I wasn't meeting everyone's expectations all the time. But it's unsustainable. It **can't** last forever. Especially when everything is just. So overwhelming all the time.

So I definitely don't want you to think that the only way to get to your clinical license is to demand that you always operate at 100% capacity in order to justify not be flawless. A lot of us carry that burden with us well into adulthood, and truly? It's the other way around. The more comfort, ease of access to resources, and sense of security we have in our lives, the better we're able to make our way towards patterns that work for us.

I don't want to give the impression that the specifics of my coping strategies are A) comprehensively effective, and/or B) universally applicable. So I'm gonna kinda stick with the underlying philosophy.

Essentially, one of the most important things is that any strategies I rely on are capable of being picked back up without judgement or major disruption. So for example, I keep a daybook calendar. It was recommended by another ADHDer as an effective way of visualizing and navigating executive dysfunction. It's divided up into days, weeks, months, and quarter years. Most importantly, it's undated. I have had this (and been using the exact same) daybook for over 2yrs. Periodically, I lose momentum for days, weeks, or even months. But when I finally get back the bandwidth to pick it back up, all I have to do is turn to a new week and date it for my current week. I just picked back up yesterday after not using it since last summer lmao

There's this concept in behavioral training for dogs called "no failure" where essentially (deeply simplified!!!) you always mark and reward whatever positive behaviors you get from the dog as a process of positive reinforcement of what you want from them. And while you wouldn't reward unsafe or inappropriate behavior from the dog, the second they redirect, no matter what they were doing a minute ago, you mark and reward.

I've been training my dogs this way for a good 5-6yrs now, and everywhere they go people will hunt me down to ask me how I get them to be so polite and responsive.

People aren't dogs, obvi, but this positive reinforcement process still functions similarly. So like, when I work with kids and families on "behavior issues" I get families to like. Essentially remove proactive consequences. Natural consequences happen, because that's life, but you still shouldn't abandon them to figuring out a solution on their own. It's a lot of modeling, marking, and rewarding, and a lot of repetitive and continuous conversations about why certain rules exist or why certain expectations are had, etc. An example here might be a "behavior chart" with tiered rewards. Each day that behavior is in line with safety and meeting needs, you mark and reward it. Every week that this is true for all 7 days, you mark and reinforce with a slightly more valuable reward. And on top of that, you have "high value" rewards for cumulative successes. If you hit 28 days of success (even if they're not consecutive, rather intermittent with non-marked days across like. 3 months or whatever) the reinforcement reward has been earned and that's that.

Partially, this process helps reframe dysregulation from "failure" to "interruption." And partially, this ensures that every success builds on previous successes, making it easier to remember backwards that good and bad days both happen, even when we have a hard time remembering what "not now" feels like.

Everything I build for myself is like that. No failure, mark and reinforce. Sometimes I do it for myself, sometimes my wife helps me, and sometimes I learn to arrange positive and affirming natural consequences of my choices. It just sort of depends what makes the most sense.

Another pillar of the underlying philosophy here is that eveything is contextual. Any change in the circumstances might change how our needs around that circumstance presents. So if a strategy or tool isn't working anymore, it's not because I've failed, it's because something about my physical and/or emotional landscape has changed since the last time I sat with myself about what helps me function. Maybe it's a temporary change (just for the day cuz I'm tired or sick for example), or maybe it's long term (when we moved to the city it became important for me to get regular, intentional sunlight because if I wasn't proactive about it, I would isolate indoors and struggle more for example), but whichever it is, all that matters is that I acknowledge what's changed about my needs without judgement or self-shaming. It's a *straightforward* process, but certainly not an easy or time-sensitive process.

Anyway, hun, you're still in your undergrad. I absolutely ASSURE you, you will not be the same person by the time you graduate from your master's. It's like stone going through pressure and heat. *Something* is always gonna change. So cut yourself a lil slack about where you are now. You aren't pressed for time, I promise.

[letterstodreams]

Crazy Quilt Religion Alterations, Part 2

I recently read the book, 'The Light We Give: How Sikh Wisdom Can Transform Your Life' by Simran Jeet Singh, and it helped me a lot. I felt like I had quite a few realizations while I was reading it and my spiritual views were being influenced in a positive, deep way. Maybe in a way that was hard to fully put into words. I remember that one or two passages in the book seemed to be things I really wanted to remember and to add to my crazy quilt religion, but I got a little busy and distracted and kind of forgot exactly what they were. I had thought I would remember and it would somehow be easy to recognize and find, but now I'm not sure.

But I think I might know what it is, and looking back at it, it feels a little bit weird to me, now, how it felt so powerful then. I still do think it is powerful, but it doesn't feel as convincing or moving to me now, if it was the same thing I think it was. I think that maybe reading that whole book made it all feel more powerful, and reading it at the same time as I was reading other books and contemplating different things, somehow it all came together for me and I saw it differently.

Or maybe I really just forgot which points were the most powerful for me, and just can't recognize them anymore. It might have been more than just this, or other things. I skimmed back through the book, trying to recall, and this is the point that felt most familiar, like it was probably the one I wanted to remember, so I will write it down.

It is an exercise in which you list twenty or so qualities you wish to embody. And then choose five that feel central to who you are and want to be. Then come up with one action to take to practice each of those five qualities, every day. And ask yourself what you'll do to hold yourself accountable to those commitments.

So that is it, and I think that part of why it felt so powerful to me was because I was seeing it from the point of view of practicing these things every day, finally turning intentions to actions. Seeing that everyone tends to focus on values but not so much on acting on the values, and it's hard to see who is really living their values, in a balanced and heartfelt way, sometimes. So even the religious people who judge and advise others might often not be living so in line with the values they promote. But if I can live in line with my own values, I can see how powerful and rare it really is to live them consistently and not just talk about or hold the values.

I can live according to my own chosen values that work in my life, in action and not just theory. What works for me and not what other people say should or will work, but repeatedly, miserably fails for me and creates a ripple effect, bringing down my whole life in various ways, and affecting all who depend on me too.

It's so powerful, because I am realizing and accepting that practicing my chosen core values will actually, finally be good enough, for me, and for God. I will not keep feeling I'm not good enough, a failure, or think of myself as too weak or inadequate, anymore. Accepting I may have character strengths in some areas and not others and I don't have to try to be strong and virtuous in every way, or in all of the ways others say I must be.

Another thing in the book is where it talks about having a personal mission statement and core values. He writes, "When push comes to shove and there's no easy answer for how to respond, what would you use as a guide so that you feel proud of your actions rather than ashamed?" The answer is not one-size-fits-all, he says, but different depending on who you are and what your life is like over time as well. This goes along with the idea of God forgiving me for being so imperfect, day in, day out, over the long course of my lifetime, maybe always being fraught with weaknesses, but still feeling forgiven if I still feel I am really trying my best.

And this book also mentions Guru Ajahn, who said, "I don't care about salvation, and I don't even care about power. All I really want is to be in love with the Divine." And it talks about how love is the goal in Sikh teachings. He writes, "In Sikh teachings, the goal of life is the same as is practice: We achieve love by trying to live with love, day in and day out."

So it's not about achieving heaven or worldly results, nor perfection or comparison with others. It's about loving, and practicing that, however you can as an individual. And I want to define what love means for me, what my values are, the specific actions I'd take towards my values, and then accept that is enough for me, enough too for my crazy-quilt religion and my crazy-quilt God.

I think part of love for me is self-love, because I feel so weak and unable to live up to some of the ideals that many selfless people try to demand as the standard for what they think we should all aim for. But for me, part of self-love is creativity and playfulness, for example. Another thing is rest and intuition. Those things aren't really counted as being very selfless but I think they have a place in the whole and that some people need to focus more on those things in their lives. They might be part of their core values.

These things can be gifts to others, too, especially to some who need more of those things, those who crave creativity and need intuitive things because they too see the world that way and need the answers and experiences that such things offer. When I dive deep, find answers I hope to share one day, and do self improvement that I hope will make me a better person, then it all ripples out, even if my focus often seems so small and self-contained in so many instances, but I feel I absolutely need that in my life, because of my mental and physical illnesses and weird personality. I think God sees, and accepts this as one of my gifts of loving and giving in life. I also give to my daughter and pets, so it's not all so inwardly focused.

So anyway, I will give all this some more thought and see what else I can come up with and how to apply it in my life. I feel like it's powerful. I even had a dream of a turbaned man, before I even read the book (I had just checked it out from the library). He just smiled at me in this short little dream segment, and when I saw the picture of the author of the book, who I'd never seen before, his face looked like the man in my dream too. I was quite surprised by that dream, because I didn't even know at all what to expect from this book. But I'd been praying so much for spiritual guidance, and then I had that dream and then the book did seem to help me so much.

[toaster-77-politics]

They aren't asking because they know he doesn't have a real response (that or they're part of his cult, but those aren't real media outlets).

But that's why they should be asking.

Because other people don't know he's a bumbling mego-maniacal truly evil selfish person who couldn't give a shit about policy.

And the media's job is to let people know that kind of stuff. They're failing. You can't lower the expectations for Trump. You need to hold him accountable the same way the media is doing to Kamala and Walz right now (but specifically Kamala because racism and misogyny. isn't america so fun?)

If the media would ask questions on policy and we heard the raving lunatic answers, I garuntee we could get some more people to vote who currently aren't because "both sides are bad" (which they aren't, one of the ONLY issues I have with the Harris Walz ticket is their policy in Israel and Palestine, which they haven't been all that concrete on, so lets hope they're open to change).

Media in America is failing to serve the people as it should. It fails to hold people at equal account. It fails to report on real issues, instead trying to predict the future and what might happen (if you haven't noticed that, it appears most often in interviews. The interviewees aren't asked questions about what they have done, but what they will do. Which is useless). It fails to not be a platform for propaganda, as shown by a plethora of pro-Israel propaganda posted by large media outlets. It fails to report on issues outside of "The West" (Like genocide in Myanmar, the situation in Sudan, the situation in Haiti, etc.).

American Media is a failure that should be ashamed of itself.

The Media needs to serve the people, not the intrests of billionaires and politicians.

We the People need to tell the Media to do better.

“Trump has been running for 21 months; his campaign is more than 90% over. The Vice President has been running 43 days; her campaign still has almost 60% to go. And yet they’re putting demands on the woman in the race, making no such demand on the white male former President. The press has gone 21 months without throwing this kind of tantrum with Donald Trump. Given that, this column says more about the failures of journalists to hold Trump accountable than it does any shortcoming on Kamala’s part. At some point, the traditional media needs to explain why it is so much more rabid about getting policy from Kamala than Trump.”

— The Soft Bigotry of No Expectations on Trump

[monratarot]

Hi! Sorry I forgot to add some details about myself in my previous ask ! I’m a Scorpio sun and a Sagittarius moon :) thank you so much once again!

Hello, dear @linglimco! Thank you for your interest in my blog and your request.♡ 🦋

Feedback is very much appreciated and if you consider tipping me, you can do so on my ☕️ko-fi.

Count of questions/requests and answers 9/30

Without wasting any time, let's get into your reading!

I can see that if you want to have some emotional growth you need to move away from your current situation or an old influence. You might feel a little bit of sadness and regret but is time to go with the flow. Soon you will be energized to move on and you will soon feel content with this decision. Be careful and try to heal yourself from your past experiences. It's a little bit of work before you are in the right place to start something new but it's worth it. Good news and communication(messages, emails, electronic communication) are ahead before doing this step. You should keep enthusiastic and be confident that the news that we are awaiting will be positive. Be attracted to confident people and use their positivity. Be careful and don't be seduced by someone with a story of failure and negativity, they want anyone else to fail. Expect good news and pleasant surprises. You can deal with a talkative person, who uses his pen to express himself rather than using force, hard-working, dedicated, enthusiastic, charming company. They can influence others but get bored easily. Also, you are going to be soon blessed by an experience that will make you feel as though you have never experienced love before. This may not be a long-lasting love, but it is a new love and one that should be given credit because it will help you grow a lot. You will love this person very much and this experience will help you see each other in a whole new light experience. This person is over the age of 40 years, a solid love, and can lead to a marriage proposal. They can be a creative person(a poet), have an appetite for life, can be sensual, and are now ashamed of themselves. In their negative, they become the addicted or the impotent lover(living only for the pleasure of the moment). You and your partner will work together, will get fulfillment from them, and will take care of emotional aspects. Also, you will have a shoulder to lean on. They can be a Cancer, Pisces, or Scorpio that is older or mature, a little bit shy, with a great sense of humor, and can be a little silly once you get to know them. This person can work as a florist, nurse, teacher, or veterinar. There can be some arguments and disagreements that make you both feel immature. But this will be a wonderful relationship, will help you a lot because you will also learn new things about yourself. It might not be your last relationship, but it will have a great impact on your life, especially because it will help you heal from past errors. Angel guidance: Life is full of changes and surprises. Your guidance is to move with the current, for it is resisting the flow which creates problems. Ask your angel to help you open your mind and heart to new ideas and fresh options. You will feel healthy and alive and can access the necessary resources and wisdom withing yourself to help you through change. Affirmation: I am free and flexible.

Wish you only the best!🍀

Moni🧚‍♀️

[cloudninetonine]

SPOILERS FOR THE BOTW 2 NAME

HEYYY!!! I sent a fairy!player ask earlier and how it might work with botw2, but upon reading the title "Tears of the Kingdom" I have something even better.

#1 answer is 🎉

KILL

So I'm thinking, people have been theorizing that Zelda dies during TotK, that's why she wasn't shown despite Link saving her at the end of BotW. Since at this point, player is well known throughout the centuries by guiding the legendary hero to defeat Ganon. I don't think society as a whole would take too kindly to hearing that they died (was hylia punishing them for failing her, was Ganon going to be freed once more, what if link is unable to save Hyrule without the guide)

Wild and player up and disappear just like last time, much to the dismay of Hyrule. Only this time, instead of coming back with scars into the embrace of the people they call family, player doesn't come back at all. I don't think Wild would even come back if I'm honest, too ashamed of getting their guide killed (in his eyes) to even face the rest of his brothers. Maybe the chain would have to see for themselves, forcing wild to confront his failures, only this time he remembers it crystal clear.

Imagine Hyrule, knowing who player was, having to be told that the one person that was there for him when no one else was died, he'd try to kill wild. Whether it was by the fault of dink or Ganon, wild is the only one who he can touch immediately. Ultimately, he doesn't succeed, but I don't think their relationship would bounce back immediately. Anything Hyrule has that was originally player's he keeps. Maybe it's a hoodie that still smells like them, a bracelet that he never takes off, or their cape that he wears no matter the impracticality.

If they did remember, While I don't think the reaction would be as extreme (or maybe they would judging sunset's contents). I do feel like there would be a cloud of dread surrounding the links, mix between 'their one shared guide is gone what do we do?' and 'one of our brethren just died how do I cope??'. In true link fashion, I don't think anyone would talk about it, esp not with Wild there in case he feels bad (which would make him feel worse). Eventually though they would sorta have to, tension was noticeable and one can only travel so long with a burden so heavy. Maybe they share memories. Maybe some cry. It hurts. But at least they have each other to lean on in harsh times.

I'm particularly interested in legend's, Wild's, and twilight's reaction.

Well established that legend and player probably spent the most time together, on and off. How would he take the death of his longest friend? Especially considering what happened in Koholint (and how player was the one other person that even knew of it's existence)?

Same with Twilight, how would he handle losing one of his closest friends again? How would he help navigate the rest of the teams in their grief as well as his own (bc let's be real, this mf helps others in order to ignore his own).

And wild, wild was there when it happened. Maybe he sorta got over it in his Hyrule, but having to face the chain and tell them would immediately rip open old wounds. Of failing Hyrule, failing Player, failing Mipha..

Anyway, maybe I'll write more later, but do anons have names here? If so, give, I want one but I don't want to mortifying ordeal of being known on main

Wow Anon, you sure know how to spit in my face and call me a useless piece of shit :) JK honestly this is such a heartbreaking au in all honesty, like, how cruel would it be.

Hyrule's reaction, I've got to agree with. Wild is his best friend, his brother- but he just lost one of the most important people to him (not his fault of course) and now Hyrule wants blood. Wild probably took some of the hits before the others were tearing Hyrule off him in an effort to calm him down. It doesn't work and now Hyrule refuses to even acknowledge Wild's presence at all.

The impressions from everyone else would be a gander, depending by this time if anyone else had remembered or not, but also the idea they start to remember after Player dies is also a heartbreaking one, someone they had longed for, dead and gone in the span of a moment.

Cruel is the only word that comes to their minds.

Also anon you go ahead and pick a name! Some anons do certainly have names!