flowerhideout

[flowerhideout]

Same old, same old

I am still me.

I know for a fact that I haven't really changed.

I grew up in some ways, but I know I'm still me.

I'm still me. And it sucks. I don't like it.

The last time I wrote here, I envisioned myself differently. As the years have progressed, I feel like I'm only getting worse. I don’t like this; I didn’t wish for any of this. All I want is to be genuinely happy. I always try to maintain a positive outlook every day and I think I’m doing a pretty good job at it. However, there are days when you just want to wallow in sadness, to find a quiet place where no one can bother you.

I don't remember the last time I wrote here. But let me just give you a quick recap:

2021

I stopped working because I was finally given a chance to continue my studies after years of wishing to pursue my studies. I was beyond happy.

The year I got covid. The last week before I leave my work was also the time I caught covid. No one knew I was sick.

I had a boyfriend. He was my "the one that got away". But we were both taken when we realized it. This is a whole different story.

Completely different. Completely happy because I was finally out of my shell and learned to socialize with other people outside my circle. I was finally doing the stuff that wasn't boring me to death. I was out of the world. I loved it too much.

2022

Online classes start. I spent almost the whole year living at my boyfriend's apartment in Pampanga (where he works). We were basically living in together. I never complained. I was happy.

The year I cut my hair so short it was the shortest I ever had.

The year I felt confident about myself.

The year I realized I wanted more than just this life. I want to achieve the life I really want for myself.

Nothing much has happened. It was just all about school, my love life, and my family.

2023

My school started to do hybrid classes, so I began attending in-person more than online. Hence, I spend most of my days at school.

Still the same boyfriend. I was being so unfair to him during this year. I don't think I will ever be proud of how awful I was to him. I can't even type it here without my stomach turning. It dies with me.

Still confident about myself, partly.

Realizing that I still have no idea what to do with my life.

I didn't like my major before and I still don't like it now.

Was sad and happy all year.

2024

I lost myself.

Sometimes I was me, sometimes I wasn't.

SEVERE quarter life crisis because I'm turning 27 this year.

I was being unfair with everyone around me, including myself.

I don't know if it was me who has a problem, then realizing maybe it really is just me.

I failed a class. No one knows but my classmates. I can't even tell my boyfriend out of embarrassment. I couldn't tell him because I don't want to him think I really am a failure at everything.

I lost my confidence.

I feel really ugly about my appearance.

I still constantly stalk my boyfriend's ex and her family. I don't, for the life of me, know why I still do it. It's been 3 years. I am so ashamed about this but I still couldn't help it.

I don't feel like I can do life anymore. I don't feel intelligent enough to survive this anymore. I used to think I was smart, and now I'm thinking otherwise.

Due to everything I feel, I started to look for an outlet. I started spending all my money whenever I get the chance.

I spend most of my money on concerts.

There’s a certain part of me that wants to be acknowledged. My mind and body wanted me to heal my inner child, so this year I started buying books—a lot of books. My love for books has never changed, but since I don’t have a steady allowance or income to support myself, I sometimes regret spending all my money on books. I would have saved a lot if I hadn’t bought every book I saw.

I am running out of patience, and I know there’s only one year left to study intensely. I just want to do something fulfilling already, but I don’t know how to achieve that while still studying. I wish there were someone who could guide me step by step, without me losing myself in the process.

I am barely hanging on, but I'm still here hoping. Hoping for the best.

Yes, it's still me. I'm still me.

I still have a crisis. I don't know why. I know I need help. I need therapy. I need help.

I just wish people around my will continue to check up on me whenever I feel so overwhelmed about everything. I don't want to give up. I need the strength.

Still me, just 4 years older.

[flowerhideout]

I just want to be happy. That’s it. I don’t know who I am anymore.

[flowerhideout]

The confidant

For some reason, the sky speaks to me in such a mysterious way. Even though it doesn’t talk to me through words, the sky has this ability to make me feel so much better. I just look outside my window, stare at the sky for at least 3 seconds. My worries and sadness goes away. Well not really. But at least I know I feel so much better.

The sky, the breeze. Oh how marvelous it feels when it touches my face and slips through my hair. I just... *sighs* Everything feels better whenever I look out the window. Stars or no stars, no clouds or full of clouds. The sky makes me feel so alive. The sky makes me feel alright. Like I have nothing to worry about myself, like there’s nothing wrong about myself.

It just feels fine. Thanks for not letting me down.

[flowerhideout]

Let it be, let it be

I am here sitting on a chair in a laboratory at my school. I usually contemplate about my life whether I am happy or sad, or at times, I can be both. I have recently realized that maybe I was not depressed all my life. Maybe I just want something new in my life. Something new to explore about myself, about the places I have never been to, the food and drinks I have never even heard of. Maybe I was not depressed...

Maybe I was just bored.

But, I really could not say it that way. I am still in the right state of mind to distinguish the difference between being bored and being depressed.

I was not as well bored, maybe I was just craving for new things to explore on my own. Sometimes I question myself as being an introvert. I sometimes like the feeling of being with other people after nights of being alone by myself and when I have no one to talk to the whole day. But after I talk to them, I am instantly wanting to be with myself again. It feels so glad to finally have expressed this. Maybe I’m bored, maybe I’m an introvert. But one thing I know for sure whenever I feel these sort of things...

I feel relieved.

I feel relieved about myself. I feel constant happiness. I feel relaxed. When I get to do something new, go to places that’s new to my sight, the conversations I have with people I’ve never even had a chance to start a conversation with, it feels relieving. I get happy.

I guess I just have to continue doing it. It does not require much money, but I think I can keep doing it. Not for my needs and wants, but simply for myself. For the benefit of my personality.

I just want to be happy. Maybe not perfectly. Happy is enough :)

Let it be, let it be.

[flowerhideout]

Haven

It’s not the beach itself, but what the beach intends to make me feel.

The feeling of calmness, as the waves crash into the shore and the sound that it makes.

The relaxing feeling it brings.

The contentment. The happiness.

No stress, no school, no numbers.

And the scenarios I make in my head if I were to be with the man of my life at that very moment..

Let’s runaway to the beach, shall we?

[flowerhideout]

Why, October? Why?

Have you guys ever wanted something you’ve been dying to have ever since? The things that no matter how shallow those things could get, you still want them? That even if other people finds out what those are you wouldn’t care if they laugh or criticize you about it? Isn’t it great to have experienced things you are forbidden to do because you still have to follow some house rules? As a teenager, I always need some night off. Not because I am stressing over my school works. But because I am stressing over life. Life always throws lemons at me. And I always intend to catch them. Because for some reason, I may have always been obsessed with the idea of being sad. I’m obsessed with sadness. Isn’t it a great thing? I don’t know either. Probably I am used to being sad and I kinda know how to deal with it that it actually almost became my buddy. Whenever I feel sad, the only thing that goes to my head is road trip. A very very long road trip. To get my mind off from everything. And of course it wouldn’t be complete without McDonald’s fries and Starbucks’ Java Chip and Mocha Frappe. My longing for endless nights of just plain fun out the streets with my own car should be here already. I’m waiting too long and I am so excited to have and experience it. So anyway... Enough of myself. I have experienced things I never thought I would ever experience.

October has been so kind to me lately. From the first week up to now, it never failed me. I’ve experienced things I would always love to experience especially now that I badly want to have some night off. 

I’ve met new people and kinda got drunk a few times this month

(I know that ain’t new for me but being drunk with the people whose companies are too awesome is way fun) I just hope my relatives won’t know about my blog... Oh God, please don’t. *fingers crossed*

Okay.. Going back to my story... I went to Dasma. With the people I just met and can I just say, it was one of the best nights of my life. Nothing special happened but I seriously had fun. The laughter, the company, the trip, the songs, the beer(oh gosh, the beer)... Those things made that night sooo unforgettable for me. It was Saturday that day (too bad I have forgotten about what date it happened, but I’ll remember it eventually though) and a former classmate of mine told me if I could come with them to Dasma. Why on earth would I say no, right? Of course I said yes! We first went to school to invite some people and so we went straight off to my friend’s house to kill some time and to wait for the others that will come with us. While we were on our way to Dasma, I know that I am already having the fun time. The party songs, the laughter, the jokes that my friend is throwing at us.. You know, the typical happenings whenever a group of friends are out together. It was a long drive from our hometown to Dasma. It already includes traffic and to be honest, the traffic actually made the trip fun, for me. Hahahaha. Only because we were out on the road for too long and you guys probably know how much I love being on the road late at night. My friend’s car is a ranger. When the sun has set, I asked my friends to go with me at the back of the car. And oh my gosh.. I was feeling every moment. I don’t care if I am being a mellow-dramatic, but I swear I was cherishing those moments. I was feeling the wind as it touches my face, and as it blows my hair. The headlights of the cars. The stars... The planes, and how it looks so small above the sky. Everything about that road trip was just so chill. I loved every bit of it.

And so we finally reached our destination. We ate of course. And went straight to our friend’s room to drink. Oh, my love for beers. Although I was really not in the mood to drink, I still joined my friends because hello? I didn’t want to miss the fun and besides, out of all the alcoholic drinks in this world, beer is my fave. Anyway, as we were drinking the night off, my friend had an idea. He thought of commenting to our other friend’s display picture on facebook that he forced us to like his photo and so we did. And yup, we laughed our assess off because he didn’t know it was him until he realizes it minutes after.

We finished drinking 5 liters of beer. And I admit, I am drunk. Even if I never tell them that I am, I am really really drunk. This friend of mine from home texted me that I was actually invited to my other friend’s party because it was his birthday and oh my gosh I am still in dasma at 11 in the evening. How the hell would I still go home at a time like that? Anyway, I agreed going to the party anyway.

As what i am saying earlier, I am drunk. Hahahahaha. That night after we went to Dasma was really a blurrrr. I went straight to my friend’s party after my friends dropped me off (lol yeah I know I have too much friends). And there I am already so wasted and really dizzy. This friend of mine introduced me to his friend, Aj, and we talked to each other all night long and to be honest, I couldn’t remember half of what we talked about!! I was too embarrassed because when they dropped me off, I think I wasn’t able to say goodbye. It was too embarrassing.

The day after, I was feeling the worst feeling after being drunk the whole night... Hang over. I still have to go home to my tita’s house because that’s where I live. And surprisingly, I was feeling really smart and confident as I talked to her about why I didn’t sleep at home last night. It wasn’t actually me who’s talking. It was the alcohol she was having a conversation with. Hahahahahaha. I swear I’m smart and confident whenever I drink. Sometimes I wish I’m always drunk in order for me to punch my professor in the face. Okay I was joking. 

There is finally a reason for me to stay in bed the whole day. I wasn’t really feeling very well and I wanted to barf everything I ate and drank that night. But anyway. That was ONE HELL OF A NIGHT, I TELL YA. It was unforgettable. Really unforgettable.

I’m wearing sweats and shorts right now. I can feel the spirit of Christmas!! Yay! And yup, I’m kinda feeling sleepy. So, I think if there’s something I’m gonna revise about this post, I’m gonna just revise it tomorrow.

P.S. Please tell me never to drunk blog ever again. Okay?

I just love October. 

And yup, I hate you for now, my dearest crush.

[flowerhideout]

It was the bomb

Okay so this day is really worth remembering for me. I'm a teenager who's been struggling with her studies and needs a day/night out like this. And while I'm typing this, I want to barf as loud as I can but I couldn't because of my relatives that live in this house. And yeah I'm kinda tipsy too. Lol

Since our second period professor did not show up today, my classmates had an idea. They dolled me up (kinda) and put lipstick on me for the reason that they haven't seen me wear any make-up on when going to school or seen me wearing make-up even outside the school. So yeah they put lipstick on me and pretended I was too shy to show it to people. Hahahahaha. I was too GGSS earlier. So anyway. I had lipstick on for the whole day and I kinda liked what I looked like earlier. GGSS nga e. After our last period, we went to our classmate's house. Only me and Kris (my drunkard classmate lol) were the ones thought of drinking. We had 1-1 talk and I kinda enjoyed!!! I also got kinda tipsy too. After a while a friend from high school called saying that I should pass by his house when I get home. And so I did. I didn't expect to drink again 'cause I was only expecting to have some normal convo with one of my close friends in high school. Okay so that makes it so impossible since I actually am drunk right now while writing this I don't even know if I can still remember all that I wrote. I just love the feeling of being drunk like this but I don't like it when I couldn't throw up at all. All I can say is that I loved this day. I experience the things I've done before with new people. Hey, it's nice to explore since I'm only 18 and still a teenager. It's never too late tho. Although I'm really tipsy right and I had to sleep. Even if I couldn't.

 I had fun today!!!

[flowerhideout]

A good good good night

Have you guys ever watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist? This movie is about a girl who’s finding her drunken best friend around New York and this guy who’s been with the girl the whole night because she asked him if he would become her boyfriend for 5 minutes. They roamed around New York, where there are city lights, cars, and not just to find a drunken girl. But to find music. It was also the night where their favorite band made them follow clues for the fans to watch them live. It was definitely a night to remember if it were to happen in real life, and to me. But I think it just happened a few days ago. Most likely.

Last Saturday, October 3, 2015.

I and my classmates went to a school in Manila to attend the cheapest concert I have ever been invited at. It was a benefit concert and it was for the cancer patients and survivors. The concert was filled with 11,000 people and it was (I tell you) hella fun. I swear. The bands that performed that night were not really the ones that every teenager in this generation watches out for. But not for me. In terms of music I can be flexible. I can listen to anything. I enjoyed these bands because I am a fan of OPM, rock, and alternative rock. Anyway, the concert we have gone to was really worth it. It was worth every sweat. We jumped and jumped and jumped and raised our hands with a rock-on sign. And I got to watch one of my favorite Filipino bands!!!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah the movie. So since I’ve told you guys that the movie reminds me so much of that night, it is because it really is. Lol. The concert lasted till 11:30 in the evening. Since the place was full of people, it was hard for us to find a ride back to the terminal. Not until we saw a commotion between a taxi driver and 2 men (the other one was drunk, btw). Just because we were afraid something might just happen, we were forced to ride a jeepney that was out of the way from where we were really going. Hahaha. And that, my friend, is the start of one of the best nights ever. (For me)

A friend of my classmate’s friend accompanied and guided us all throughout the night ‘cause we didn’t know where we’re going. Since we’ve ridden a ride that was out of our way, I’ve been to places I’ve never been before. First stop was at Kalentong. We walked just two blocks from we were dropped off to find another ride that’ll take us back to the terminal. While we were walking I already realized something special is about to happen. Seeing this place with yellow lights and the people that I am with will make this night unforgettable. And it really did. Another jeepney stopped in front of us and it was heading to Hulo. I admit it, I have never heard of such place but yeah whatever I would like to have some adventures that night since I am already in Manila. While we were in that jeepney I decided to look around the places we were passing by. “I recognized this place.” “Where are we?” These were my thoughts. And then suddenly, “Holy shit, we are in Mandaluyong!!” I recognized the place because it was where my cousin’s husband lived before they got married!! Omg, I was able to go here without them. And I am so happy. Yes, agad-agad. You guys don’t what my family’s like. Lol. Anyway. So yeah, we were in Mandaluyong. Then the jeepney dropped us off in Hulo and we crossed a bridge. Before crossing the bridge you can see a river and beyond the river you can see tall buildings, just like in the movie. I didn’t know that the river was the Pasig River! Holy crap, I hate being a probinsyana at times like these. And the buildings? I didn’t know that was Makati. So we crossed the bridge and I started to reflect again and think how happy I already was. The bridge was called the Mandaluyong-Makati bridge. Yup, I looked it up online because I wanted to see it again and picture us walking in that bridge. Lol.

Walking The Streets of Makati

Okay, this is it. I am happy. City lights, cars, the all-nighter people, party people, the noises I hear from different bars, the musics. All of these are what I have been imagining my whole life!! I want this. I want this life. I may not have a car to drive myself around this place but walking made it so much more fun. I have learned to appreciate the night life more and it’s making me want it more. As we walk the streets of Makati, I keep imagining things I would do if I were to live here. I just keep smiling and just daydream as I appreciate the city lights and lights flashing at me. It turned me on, honestly. I never want to leave this place. I want a life like this. It’s not as simple as the life I have at the province but I know I will be much happier there. I can have a frappe at 2 in the morning, hello? The view of the buildings, the awesome people, ugh not to mention the food I am soon to eat!! I just couldn’t wait to finish college and be there!! So yeah anyway.

We walked along Makati Ave. to Kalayaan Ave. I wanted to do more around Makati but sadly some of us has to go home because it was already 1 in the morning that time. It was one of the best midnights ever, for me. For a hopeless night daydreamer me. Lol.

The night I experienced is different from the movie, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. We didn’t find a drunken girl and a band named “Where’s Fluffy?”. But it’s almost alike. I’m with the awesome crew. We were finding our way back to the terminal. And the night was all about music. So, yeah. I guess I just experienced something that can be turned to a movie. An unforgettable experience that I will never ever forget. Oh yeah, I got home at 6 in the morning because we still had McDonald’s when we got to our province. And my tita scolded me. I couldn’t care less. I was too happy to even listen. Lol.

My body was sore after 2 days. Specially my arms. I think I’ve done too much hand-raising and rock-on signs. No regrets.

[flowerhideout]

The Sunday Currently Vol. 1

It’s 11:30PM and I am here blogging about this Sunday currently just because it’s still Sunday. I have done (technically) nothing today and I have no regrets. I like lying down all day and do nothing but eat and sleep. In short, I am having the baboy life that I want. Just not the baboy body. Lol

Reading. Why We Broke Up. “It’s either you have the feeling, or you don’t” I borrowed this from a friend two weeks ago and I still have not finished reading it due to the apparent reason that I am not really fond of reading books. I do read, but not that often ‘cause I get bored and lazy.

Despite the fact that I’m a lazy-book reader, I love the smell of new books (WHO DOESN’T?!). Maybe if I buy my own book I will finish it sooner or later. Out of the 350+ pages of this book, I think I have only finished reading only half (or almost half) of it. But I like the idea of reading. I like the feeling of being hooked up to a fictional character specially when the story begin to spice up. I hope I can make my own novel one day. Lol. For a lazy reader like me?! Why not? Haha

Writing. This. It’s actually my first time to write this. And hey, I’m actually enjoying this!

Listening. To old school Pop songs. Specifically Inoj’s album from waaay back 1997. It was the year I was born and it’s odd that I love this kind of songs. I hope producers will still publish songs like these!

Thinking. About my crush who I start to think is an asshole. Lol. Sayang, I like you pa naman. *sigh

Watching. None actually, for now. But I am patiently waiting for the next episode of Awkward to download in torrent! I can’t believe I was able to catch up to the series that some of my friends in Twitter were talking about. Since we don’t have MTV in our television cable, I was force to download all the seasons of Awkward. And I loved it!

Wishing. To be CJ Navato’s girlfriend. Ugh. He’s too cute!! And gwapo!! I just can’t resist guys who have thick eyebrows. And he can sing too which adds up to his pogi points. If he goes to my school I wouldn’t know what to do if I ran into him.

Hoping. To change my entire wardrobe. As in all of my clothes.

Wearing. My old intramurals shirt during my first year of college in De La Salle Lipa and my comfy comfy boxers. My typical lazy pambahay clothing.

Loving. Or learning to love, rather. I’m trying to love my course no matter how hard this gets. It’s Engineering and I don’t know what I’d do if I fail once more. I need to stay focused and strive harder!! Ugh how I wish I could do actually do it without actually not doing it. Lol

Wanting. CLOTHES. CLOTHES. AND MORE CLOTHES.

Needing. My classmate’s undeniably awesome brain. Damn, bruh. How did you get all that information in your head?! Mamahagi ka naman ng talino! I just admire him for being so smart and intelligent. After my professor teaches her lectures, I think he doesn’t need to study all of it at home ‘cause he just gets it clearly. Crystal.

Feeling. Groggy. I think I need to sleep in a while. I have 9AM classes the next day. Oh yeah, it’s Physics. I have to fight my eyes from falling down while my prof discusses her shit.

Well I guess this is it! It’s 12:01AM to be exact. It’s Monday. I will not be able to watch AlDub later. What a sad sad moment for a fan like me. Oh, and may I remind you that I am such an AVID fan of them and Maine Mendoza. I like her too much she inspired me to blog again. Hahahaha. #fangirl

[flowerhideout]

“Is writing really my thing?” The weirdo asked.

As a human being who kinda is a newbie to this kind of stuff (although I already have experienced doing this way back), I can’t manage to think about things that are worthy to write and post. I want this thing to be serious. I want this to be legit. But how could I do that if I could not even think about a topic that will make this blog look good?

I am, right now, an 18 year old. Legal. I can do whatever I want. Well, technically. Of course I want to write the things that I want to remember in details because I am actually growing up. And I kinda wanna practice too. Anyhoo.

Writing is hard when you actually can’t think of anything to write, right? Lol, that rhymed. I mean, you can write about anything as long as you find it interesting. But as for me, I could not write anything because I want something special to happen in my life so that I could write it all down and read it when I start to wonder what my life has been, what I have been doing, and what I thought about myself. I don’t even know if this is actually making sense but I want to write this. I want to put this down, I want to post this. I couldn’t write because I couldn’t find an inspiration. Maybe I am contented right now about my life that all I want to put here is that I am happy. But it ain’t enough. I want to write things that matter. I want something that is not nonsensical. I want something that makes sense. 

I have realized earlier that I need to have these conditions before I go writing things in here: 

1. I want an inspiration

          As a writer or anyone who just plainly writes online or in a planner or diary (if you still prefer the old-fashioned way), it’s hard not to have an inspiration while writing because you want the outcome of your writings to be perfect or will satisfy your readers. And as for my case, I don’t have an inspiration. I am not too happy and I am not too sad either. I am not that poetic. And there’s nothing in my life that excites me that much too. So to make this long story short, my life right now is boring. I started this blog in a wrong timing and maybe this is why I struggle. I hope one of these days, someone or something will come that is really worthy to be written in my blog. It or they should be worth remembering.

2. I want my own space

             The bold and italicized phrase says it all. I want my own room. I want my own computer table. Or maybe a desk will do. I want everything to be just mine. Since I am currently in a situation where I couldn’t and maybe shouldn’t enjoy my privacy, I now dream of having my own room. I’m 18. What do you expect me to do? Hang out with people who are not the same age as mine? Not even the same interests? Maybe that explains why my life is getting boring as the days go by. I just want it to be my laptop, my phone, and I to be alone while I write things that I want to remember all my life. I want it now. NOW.

3. I want to be in a place where I can find inspirations

             I want to be in a place where I could write something that make sense. Like, I could connect even the candy wrapper that I see on the ground in real-life situations. A place where my mind will work properly and think thoughts that are beyond the things that I actually see. Maybe all I want is to be in a relaxing place. Or in a place where I am comfortable writing. Maybe I will be able to express what I truly feel. The feelings that I can put to words. Concentration is the key, bitches.

My mood in writing things is ‘choosy’. My mind says I want that, I want there, I want to be there, etcetera etcetera. I have mentioned earlier that I need an inspiration to be able to write something. I think I just accomplished something tonight. I was able to write!! Is that a yay for me? Will you give a high five? Two thumbs up? Or just at least say yay for me? This is getting nowhere. I kinda want to stop this. I’ve had enough. I’m just kinda relieved that I was able to write this. It feels like I just crammed an essay that will be submitted before midnight. Lol.

I played volleyball today. It was fun. My arms are sore. I don’t mind. My crush likes to play volleyball every weekend. Oops!

[flowerhideout]

Good to be back!

I have tried blogging several times and until today I still don’t know what topics to write about and how to start blogging like a (real) blogger. I have made several accounts not only here and I’m still not inspired to blog. I have also read and visited some blogs that I find entertaining and helpful in giving me the idea of what to post and what to write. I have written posts about some happenings in my life way back in high school but unfortunately I have forgotten how I compiled all of them and how I constructed my sentences.

Since I have been actually updated about the trends in national TV lately, maybe you guys know who I am talking about. The girl who have been discovered just by taking a video of herself without actually hearing her real voice. Dubsmash was the app she uses and everybody who watched her videos seemed to love her. Until she was invited to be part of a show in the television and it’s a hit until now. Since I have become a fan of her and her current partner in the said show, I have decided to stalk her and find out what she’s like behind cam.

I have discovered that she actually has a blog that she regularly updates before she got pretty busy because of the job she’s in right now. I have read maybe almost half of her blog posts already and it got me more inspired to go blogging again. Her blog gave me substantial ideas to write about and how to express my thoughts thoroughly. I have learned a lot while reading her blog (I spent half of my day reading her blog and I admit I was actually really entertained!) and I learned some vocabulary words I have never heard of too!

I think I will be able to update this regularly since I am not yet done reading all of her posts and I want to try all the challenges and tags I’ve seen in her blog.

I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss expressing myself. I would love to have this blog until I graduate college. And also for the fact that I am 18. I want this blog to witness all the happenings in my life, it may be sad or fortunate events. I just want to write everything down from now on. I really hope I could keep up!

Hey, it’s 2AM. I’ll be in school in 13 hours.

I wonder what my eyes will look like when I wake up.

[flowerhideout]

Black

I feel like going back to my old self again. The one who wears black all the time. Who listens to rock music. Who’s just constantly being herself without thinking about what others will say. I have no idea why I was sad earlier. Maybe I knew why and I just forgot. I’m so weird. All I know is that this day is so not a perfect day. But I think I’m gonna end it the other way around. And the sky was really beautiful a while ago. It was gray. I love it.

[flowerhideout]

Wish?

I never stopped wondering what my life would be if everything were different. What could possibly happen if my dad didn’t die from a car ambush? Would I still be friends with people who I think are not really welcomed into my life? Would I still have second thoughts about my studies and my soon-to-be profession? Will my Mom still work abroad? Or will my brother be like my dad? The strict but very cool one. And most importantly? Will I still be like this? Will I ever be sure about my life? About myself? There’s no harm in realizing these stuff. Only the fact that it’s making me want it more. It’s a harm.

[flowerhideout]

So...

I like being called beautiful.

Who doesn’t? :)

[flowerhideout]

Funny? I’ll let you be the judge.

OKAY SO THAT WAS THE CORNIEST TITLE I HAVE EVER MADE.

I have made this new blog to avoid people in my other private blog. So basically  I have three blogs in here and this will be the third one. I haven’t gone blogging for over a year now and I missed it because I have been watching too much Awkward where the lead girl in the series blogs about everything in her life so I thought of going back to blogging my feelings off and I hope I’ll be able to continue it until... Who knows when. Lol.

I suddenly just miss blogging the shit out of my life. Specially now that I’m slowly realizing that I am growing up. I’m actually thinking of getting my brows done.