#so now i’m trying food
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My Head Pain Update
(about six hours later)
Sleeping on it did not work now I don’t want to get up because I’m afraid I’m going to get dizzy also, it’s ducking raining! I have a love and hate relationship with rain, like I love how pretty it is but I don’t like what effects it does to my body. It makes it hurt all up and down which I just don’t want to move, even sometimes it bruises my skin because of the pain.
I’m gotten a couple of them over the years and they hurt like a motherf***er on steroids. As I said on here before, I like being overdramatic but in this case, it’s me saying that hurt just so much more than a normal bruise on my body. I’m gotten somewhat used to them at this point, but anyhow I digress, that’s the update everyone! Sleeping did not fucking help at all! Yay me, and I still want to bang it against a wall :D
For anyone probably thinking I should take some medicine I have done that before I started the nap, but thanks so very much for your concern 🤗
#update on me#it still sucks#i’m still hurting#i’ve ate after making this#i’m tried drinking water#tried taking medication#so now i’m trying food
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I got Procreate and gave it a test run with some silly AU sketches of course
So have Calamity SJ adopting Hong‘er! Ft. my silly calamity MNQ AU and it’s inevitable conclusion of atticwife Jun Wu in the second pic because I am no longer in control here.
SY tried to be the cool uncle, unfortunately YQY is the cooler uncle so he got the Feng Xin treatment. Binghe about to start beef with a child lmfao.
Ling Wen is new heavenly emperor and I ensure you she is as overworked as ever, but she does not care about heavenly officials marrying calamities anymore. First was YQY, and then Jun Wu. Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan are really not trendstarters here.
#svsss#shen jiu#tgcf#yue qingyuan#qijiu#heaven official's blessing#mxtx svsss#original shen qingqiu#calamity sj#calamity child custody fight au#junmei#I have painfully obvious brainrots and I’m not sorry#basically sj met honger while he was out getting his weekly fill of killing slavers#he saw the kid fight the other kids bullying him and though hold up that one has potential#so begins trying to befriend a wild feral cat. he starts with pouches of food and money#tentatively honger begins to trust sj and his weird pieces of advice that work too well in the streets#they develop feral street rat to feral street rat communication#honger doesnt wish to leave so sj sets up in the shrines of xl with him for a while#teaches him all the important stuff like counting and writing (though his calligraphy stays atrocious despite everyone‘s best efforts)#yqy checks in with his husband and finds him with a child#so naturally he immediately adopts him too#thes both help him learn fighting and all#later honger leaves of his own volition towards the rest of the tgcf plot and qijiu doesn‘t see him anymore for a while#eventually a new ghost king is in the kiln and SJ goes to check out who comes out of the kiln#cue spiderman pointing meme#severe scolding later#honger now hc is adopted back because this is their son#sj even gives him a battle fan which hc ts with just like Sj#i imagine sj would have no complaints about xie lian though. he may be a hissy cat but he can see this is good for both hualian#the black water arc here would be vastly different too cause He Xuan would get emotional support from yqy and sj
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eulogy
#i was fully going to just wrangle my way through life for another 39 years when my friend said to me:#you are gay and we want you to submit art for the pride art show. but i hasn’t drawn at all since last year so i made a new comic from scr#i was also having one of the worst times of my life all of the past week but every night after sobbing into a friends shoulder or wtv#i’d sit down and draw. and then today i locked myself in the basement for 5#hours and now he is finished. trans allegory or whatever#happy pride#world is horrible so hold the people you love close#i am trying . succeeding? not really but definitely trying#i have gone now through the 5 stages of grief. 1) eat food 2) eat food 3) hit rock 4) hit rock 5) give up#i Give Up. i give up by living my life without giving a fuck#which is like. actually giving down. or taking away down#idk anyway#i hope you’re well i’m HANGING ON BY A THREAD. BUT A GOOD THREAD#and to my lgbsbfk homies: i love you#my art
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Brony coded quest. 6 main friendships. 6 elements of harmony.
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#yeah sure I’ll publish this one lol#nah but I’m also an MLP fan so I get what you’re saying#now chat which of the hex syndicate are which elements of harmony from my little pony#I’m curious what you all think? I just woke up so I’m not even gonna try because this feels like classpects type complex stuff#Brony love from one Pegasister to another or whatever labels you rock with#wait are we sunset shimmer to their mane 6? food for thought. idk#mod rose#warframe confession#warframe#warframe 1999
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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some tragic love stories be like: if i could bottle the galaxy, i would pour it into a cup so it would be easier for you to drink. do you want them? do you want the stars? or do they suit you better as adornments for your eyes than glitter on your lips?
but they don’t want the stars. they don’t want the galaxy. but how can they not? is that not enough? (it’s too much, that’s the problem. it’s too much.)
#ney's idle chatter (random textposts)#me trying and failing to capture why hadestown has embodied Love in a way i don’t think i’m really capable of comprehending fr#but also this can be about whatever blorbo you want#when i think about that one line in chant#when hades says ‘brighter than the light of day’#‘look. look at what i can make for you—see?’#meanwhile the last thing persephone wants is to be reminded of this hollow echo of what their love is in her memories#when i think about that scene when eurydice tells orpheus they need to get food#but he’s working on his song and she makes the choice to trust him and go#to work harder and longer and search for things to feed them and trust he’ll bring spring back#THE WAY PERSEPHONE TRIES TO KISS HADES GOODBYE AT THE START WHEN SHE COMES BACK FOR SUMMER#AND HOW IT PARALLELS EURYDICE KISSING ORPHEUS GOODBYE WHEN SHE GOES TO LOOK FOR FOOD#and hades pulls away. because she’s leaving him and he’s terrified. he’s terrified and turns it into anger because otherwise he’s helpless.#and orpheus doesn’t respond when eurydice leaves because he’s working—he’s working and he’s going to give her what he promised.#but she needs his help. she needs his help now—she needs his support and he isn’t there.#thinking about the moment she takes the ticket from hades and#it almost implies she starves. that she dies. that she starves to death trying to find food for them both#i promise you however unhinged i seem about this musical i am being purposefully restrained so i don’t spam you all too much orz#holy SHIT these tags are LONG#even for me this is ridiculous there’s a whole other post down here#high five to you for reading it ig damn#hadestown
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What’s the point of scheduling a delivery for later if you’re going to make it and deliver it now???????
#I didn’t want my food now#I wanted it for later for when I would be home to eat it#it sat on my porch for over an hour#honestly would’ve rather someone stole it and eat it than for it to sit there and become unsafe to eat#had to throw it away#there goes the $40 dinner that was supposed to be a treat#honestly so annoyed and I know if I do a customer complaint nothing is gonna come of it#just because it’s below freezing here it doesn’t make food safe to eat after it’s sat outside in the elements for over an hour#I’m just done#gonna just skip dinner and go to bed I think#maybe one of the fics I’ve been following will have updated and I can just read that for dinner#i’m tired yall#and I’m over it#fuck being broke#fuck me for trying to treat myself when I have a bit spare cash#once I can buy a car I’m def switching to a job that pays better since I’ll have consistent transportation instead of having to walk#jake k’s personals#feel free to block prev tag if you don’t want to hear about my personal life
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I have been gifted !!! CRUSTY BREAD !!!
#which is nice because now I have definite food I can take with me when I housesit sbdbdjdbdhd#I’ve been slightly worrying over food#because the people are not leaving me anything but what’s in their cubboards and they’re trying to finish food before they go#so I’ll have like granola bars and that’s it#I’m coming home for dinner but I’ll have to figure out breakfast...#lunch idk about#depends how much driving I want to do#so it’s a maybe there#BUT ANYWAY I have a loaf of crusty bread so that’ll probably be good for breakfast actually#I just have to make it last four days#rambles from the floor
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i feel so pathetic for feeling like this
#i can’t eat in a fucking restaurant without being on the verge of tears because contamination scares me that fucking much#we ate this snack and it fell on me and now i’m going to be fucking thinking about it the whole day#on the plane my mom’s packed wet issue grazed my leg and i can’t fucking stop thinking about it#on the plane everyone kept touching behind my seat to pass through and my head is full of thoughts that their hands are dirty and if i rest#my head my hair will be dirty and i’ll have to wash my hair so many times to get it all out#this morning i had a hot chocolate and it got a little on my chin and i can’t lean my head because if i do it that will spread anywhere#any thing to do with food is so scary. i’m TRYING to be more comfortable around food im trying to imagine scenarios of me eating something#and the perceived negative consequences happening and me not giving into my compulsions despite of it#it’s so fucking hard when your brain refuses to forget even the smallest fucking thing i’m so so tired of this i just want to be normal#i’ve been up since 4am and it’s 8:30 pm right now and i’m still on my guard and i haven’t rested my head or shut my eyes because i’m so so#so so so so so scared of being dirty#✉️
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do you guys ever have days where you’re just absolutely losing
#cause me today#tmi below if you’re a pussy#but here’s my day so far#woke up with a uti#AWWWW 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 killing myself#went to urgent care to get antibiotics#97 minute wait and my only airpod that i brought dies abt 20 minutes in#the book i kept in the car for exact situations like this wasn’t there so i had to read my second backup#bc my phone was dying obviously why wouldn’t it#went back peed in the cup got my rx#got to the pharmacy the minute after they close for lunch#so i said fuck it im getting comfort food#as im driving to this local chain that has my comfort food jm waiting at a light#at this light there’s a turn lane that’s a little cramped and i’m in an suv right now#this elderly man nearly hits my car and then WAGS HIS FUCJING FINGER AT ME#LIKE IM THE ONE DOING SOMETHING WRONG#WHAT ARE YOU LATE FOR YOUR DYING APPOINTMENT???#then the restaurant has a line out the door so i say fuck that not getting food i guess#as i’m driving back to the pharmacy my low tire pressure light turns on#i inflate my tires (the last one i checked was the one with low pressure btw i know you were curious)#pick up my prescription#and then almost hit a squirrel as i pull out#HOW#HOW DOES THIS HAPPEB#i’m going to lie down in the dark and just try again tmrw#off my rocker
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Listen to me
Listen
The vegetables in salsa? Or artichoke dip? Or like, canned or frozen veggies? Are still vegetables.
Dried fruits? Jams and jellies? Smoothies? Frozen fruits? Still fruit.
The nutrients in fruits and vegetables are important but you do not have to subject yourself to the sensory hell or ADHD tax that can be fresh fruits and vegetables to get those nutrients. You can get them in ways that are friendly to you and your needs.
#ed tw#eating disorder tw#food tw#I’ve realized that part of the reason I’m struggling with body neutrality (let alone positivity) right now is that I’m not ‘eating right’#and I don’t mean not eating ‘junk food’#but that I’m not eating a lot of nutritionally dense foods like fruits and vegetables#because I have ADHD and I know I will buy them and then forget about them#but I realized… there’s lots of ways to eat fruits and veggies!#I’m going to try veggie straws in spinach and artichoke dip from the Walmart deli and see how I like it#I don’t take care of my body lately and I don’t mean that in a diet culture way but in a ‘my body is my vessel and it deserves love and care#sorta way#it’s not getting the care it deserves so my therapist and I are working on finding way to give it what it needs
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#yeah so like the whole trauma of losing a cat so suddenly and quickly has certainly left its mark#she declined so quickly and i can’t get her meows out of my head no matter how hard i try#one of my other cats meowed a few times as she ran for the food which she does A LOT…. but fucking christ my heart dropped#she’s perfectly fine she just wanted food but now my anxiety is back and sitting on my chest and the pit of my stomach lol#i had my first moment this afternoon where i genuinely looked for her before remembering that she’s not going to be there#my :) heart :) hurts :)#the only way out is through#and that’s great and all but i wish it would go faster#i can’t wait until it’s not so raw because it feels fucking grating right now#like someone has my heart squeezed in their hands#sigh sigh sigh i’m so sad and anxious this is so rough ;-:#i’ll delete this later but. i just need to put it somewhere for now.
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🤪🫠😛😅
#I’m like mostly recovered tbh but the irreversible physical changes of weight gain are triggering the fuck out of me rn#and it’s worse bc I know they’re in large part due to [redacted] and it’s like my fault pretty much so I got no one else to blame! 🤡#and knowing that every day I get older and every day it gets that much harder to lose the weight again bc that’s just what bodies do#I wanna d*e like. knowing I’ll never look the way I did before even if I never eat another morsel of food ever again#I know I don’t wanna go back to the way I felt and behaved when I did look ‘good’ like that but just. idk something about knowing I can’t g#*get that back no matter how hard I might theoretically try to in the future. I will always look inferior to that now#helpppppppp I’m just so [redacted lest I get the cops called on me]#ed tw
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(Pls ignore how shit this is)
#batman#dc comics#two face#batman rogues#bruharvey seekers......im very free just saying jsjsjsj#thank you mik for the bruharvey food 2 days in a row im teary eyed#bruhavey#bruharvey#bruharv#twobats#twobruce#I’m really trying to draw better so for now Ignore how shit it is
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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