#i have gone now through the 5 stages of grief. 1) eat food 2) eat food 3) hit rock 4) hit rock 5) give up

[corpsentry]

eulogy

[dreamsfreckles]

[7:21p.m.] A Couple of Whipped Besties, One Could Say...

~

Sapnap x reader

Fluff

A couple of sus betsies - enjoy!

~

Sapnap smiled proudly at the beautiful view in front of him: you sitting in his gaming chair, beating the shit out of George on a minecraft PVP server.

Naturally, as Sapnap’s best friend, today marked your third night sleeping over at his house, the usual.

You two simply couldn’t get sick of each other.

Sure, he was annoying and relentless sometimes, and maybe you were a bit stubborn and moody; but regardless, both of your personalities clashed and complimented each other perfectly - creating a close friendship. 

Even though your friendship was his most precious treasure, Sapnap couldn’t help but be dissatisfied with it. 

Not because he wasn’t happy with you... but because he wasn’t happy with you. 

incase you need further elaboration:

Sapnap done went and caught feelings for you. (no earnings)

Leaning over your left shoulder as you gamed, Sapnap side-eyed your facial expressions as you passionately played on the computer monitor in front of you, flexing your weirdly amazing skill at PVP.

He admired you; you looked cute while concentrated. Critting George’s player with your diamond axe was Sapnap’s favorite sight to see. Your eyebrows furrowed the slightest bit and your eyes shined as you attempted to predict George’s next move. 

Not to mention you were also hot as fuck. Sapnap didn’t need to admit that though...

Not only were you his cute best friend, but you were also a super skilled player. He seemed to get the best of both worlds when it came to you.

You can be risky, fun, daring and stupid, but at the same time smart, soft, sweet, and safe. It’s rare to have someone as unique and different as you. You were irreplaceable. 

It also just makes things 1000x better when you’re the reason George regrets his entire PVP career.

Sapnap leaned back into his spare chair, laughing in disbelief at you mercilessly owning George in the game. He could hear George’s screams of absolute terror leaking from the headset on your head; his headset. (dollar tree)

Goddamn he’s whipped. (what a shrimp)

The headphones were a little big on you, which added to the cuteness. Sapnap secretly peered at you love-sickly, sighing in content. It was rare for him to be completely in a haze by you simply doing nothing; for some reason you had him completely under your control today.

Your sudden yell broke Sapnap from his trance and brought his attention to the monitor showing the signature “victory” screen. You squealed hopping up from your chair and doing a small victory dance, laughing at George as he wallowed in defeat. You turn to Sapnap, a wide smile on your face. “Were you watching that? George is SHIT!” You laughed. Sapnap shook his head in disbelief. “Have you been practicing? I have to get you to duel Dream... I doubt you could beat him though. Gogy is just trash.” You giggled with Sapnap at his open criticism towards George, while the trash PVP player on the call scoffed and mumbled incoherent curse words. (ignoring the fact Sapnap lowkey called you trash)

“Well,” you start, relaxing back into his gaming chair. “I’m kind of hungry now. Do you want to go get Chick-fil-a or something?” Just before Sapnap could respond, he was rudely interrupted by George screaming on his headset. “YOU’RE GOING TO GET CHICK-FIL-A?!” The headphones rung. “Are you trying to get cancelled Sapnap?” George joked, making literally no one laugh. You glanced at Sapnap in amusement. His face is twisted in playful annoyance as he ends the call with George. “I guess George is right... Don’t want our precious Sappy getting cancelled.” Sapnap scoffs and rolls his eyes at you playing along with George, a smile on his face. You smirk evilly, standing up to walk across his room to grab your purse. “Whelp, looks like you gotta get your own fast food.” You sling your purse over your shoulder and start heading towards his bedroom door.

Sapnap’s eyes widen at your statement. There’s no way he’s letting you go along with George’s stupid-ass joke.

Before you could leave, Sapnap scrambled to wedge himself between you and his door, stopping you from exiting the room. “Um? You’re dog water if you think you’re pulling that bullshit on me?” He sasses, backing you away from his door.

You hold in your laugh and shrug, putting up a serious face. “We should probably have a break from each other anyway... Why don’t you go out and get McDonald’s instead? I’ll be back in like,” you check your phone for affect. “Like 45 minutes.” You state, looking back up to his pretty eyes filled with betrayal.

Sapnap is frozen. He didn’t think that this Chick-fil-a joke would actually be taken some-what seriously. You wanted time away from him? What the fuck? You two have always been clingy to each other! You can barely go to his fucking kitchen by yourself! 

He took a second longer looking into your shining eyes. Then it all clicked.

You little rat. How cruel are you to be playing with his little heart like that?

Sapnap could turn this situation around in a few different ways.

1.) He could call out your cap right now and you two would go out and get your chick-fil-a, or whatever you want to eat.

2.) He could football tackle you to the fucking ground and make you apologize for saying such buffoonery.

3.) He could go along with your cruel joke, and make you think that he 100% agrees that you two “need to take a break.” He can even go as far as calling it a night and telling you that he’s too tired for another sleepover night.

Sapnap was never the merciful type. As much as he is unconditionally in love with you, he don’t play. 

Option 3 was game.

Sapnap looked up and to the side, pretending to think about your suggestion of “taking a break” like it was a valid choice. Stepping away from his place in between you and the door, Sapnap motions for you to go. “You know what, you’re kinda right. You can go ahead, I think I’m going to call someone.” Sapnap whips out his phone from his back jean pocket and turns away from you, pretending to scroll through his contacts.

This makes you stumble for a second. Did he just... agree with you..? Your heart stops beating for a split second and you debate if you should tell him that you were joking or not. You can barely go to the kitchen by yourself, why isn’t he catching on that it was a joke? You stand still there, looking at his turned back. “Okay... I’m just going to go then.” You say, still not making a move to leave. After a moment of him not acknowledging a word you just said, you start again. “Do you like...” you pause. “want me to bring you back something...” Sapnap turns back to you at that, suddenly deciding to pay attention to you. “Uh no thanks, I’ll just eat something here. You should probably call your mom, she probably wants you home. You’ve been here for what-” he checks his phone for the date. “Like 4 days?” He states, looking back up to you.

Your mouth drops. Hurt fills you heart. Did he really just say that?

Yeah... you have been at his house for a while... but you didn’t think that he was getting sick of you. You usually stayed over there for 4 nights on average before you went home.

You’ve stayed there for 6 days before! And you both STILL mourned the loss of each other’s presence when you left!

(Isn’t this simp culture?)

What does this mean? You stand there is silence just looking at him. It’s not like you could argue; you were the one who said you needed a break first.

You felt like crying. Yes... Sapnap is your best friend and this literally isn’t that big of a deal, but... you love Sapnap. You’d spend forever with him if you could. And you thought he would too. You stiffen for a moment. You know he isn’t your boyfriend; as much as you wish he was, you need to stop acting like he is. 

Him saying he wants to be alone shouldn’t be that big of a deal to you! You guys are friends! He’s standing there, looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to go on, do anything.

While you stand there debating your life choices with hurt written all over your face, Sapnap’s mind is racing a million miles an hour. He literally can’t decide if he should burst out laughing from how well his plan worked or hug you and say sorry for being so mean.

He literally can’t decide - so he does both.

Just as you feel your eyes getting the tinniest bit glassy, Sapnap roars with laughter and pulls you into a bear hug, squeezing your waist with one arm and using the other to pet your hair fondly. “I’m so sorry, I had to, it was too good, that literally couldn’t have gone better-” he rambles. You immediately sulk and smack his shoulder, aggressively hugging him back. “YOU ASSHOLE I GOT SO SCARED!” You groan in embarrassment. You literally almost cried.

Sapnap giggles and hugs you tighter, his smile couldn’t possibly get wider. You sigh in relief, snuggling into his arms. “You actually scared me so bad. That was so weird.” Sapnap laughs again, leaning back from you slightly to get a look at your pretty face. You were pouting. Cute. Sapnap smirked and squeezed your cheek with the hand that was previously petting your semi-tangled hair. “You did it to me first you dimwit, what the hell did you think I felt like?!” He exclaimed. “You literally told me to go home you asshole!” You exasperated. Sapnap threw his head back laughing, pulling you back towards him again. He nuzzled into the side of your neck, sighing happily.

As hilarious as it was watching you go through the 5 stages of grief over this situation, it was also heart breaking all at the same time. He hopes he never has to see that again on a serious note, if he’s being honest. If you ever looked like that when you guys were being legit - it would quite literally kill him.

After what felt like 20 minutes of hugging, you pulled back from the hug and looked up at Sapnap, his arms still attached to the ends of your sweatshirt, keeping you in place. 

As he stared down at your pink cheeks and flustered expression, he felt like he could stand with you here for hours. He wishes he could kiss you.

You rolled your eyes at him as he giggled. “Whatever.” You state, walking out of his hold and over to his bed side table. Sapnap watches your movements in confusion. Once at the table, you open the top drawer and snatch his wallet from inside, your back facing him. “I’m getting fucking Chick-fil-a and if you don’t come, I’m literally going to buy the entire menu with this.” You turn facing him and hold up his wallet. Sapnap’s eyes widen in realization at what’s in your possession. He makes a move to run over to you and snatch it back. Unluckily for him, you were already bolting out the door and to his car.

Hello 🥺

I hope u enjoyed sorry it took so long hehee

I’ve had lack of motivation, as we all in this tough pandemic - I hope you guys are all doing well and stay happy and safe 💕

Thankfully we have our fav mcyt gang to help us through tough times :)

Ik sapnap says fuck you, but think of it in an endearing way LOL LOVE U GUYS

[downtomyunderoos]

camping trip day 2

// akihiko sanada (downtomyunderoos) & kanji tatsumi (needlepunk/shuffledworlds)

>> day 1

1. kanji --

"Akihiko! You wear speedos, too?!"

2. akihiko --

“Can’t go wrong with a speedo if you want to reduce water resistance.”

He eyes Tatsumi wearing one of his own before satisfaction overwhelms him.

“Ah, I see you’re a man of culture as well.”

3. kanji --

Kanji just puffed out his chest proudly with both hands on his hips for Akihiko to see him sporting his favorite swimwear, a smile beaming on his face. It was a breath of fresh air to not hear someone demand he change immediately. The more they seemed to learn about each other the more comfortable Kanji felt Akihiko really understood him. 

“Yeah, I mean I usually just wear ‘em because they are easy ta move around in, but this one especially…” he spun around, showcasing the logo printed on the rear side. “I just like the skull! It really my aesthetic!” Day 2 of camping was off to a great start, already!

4. akihiko --

Akihiko noted the skull, but he definitely noted toned glutes. He nodded. A gratified grunt.

“Looks great, man.” Who knew what he referred to exactly.

Next to them awaited two inflated biscuit-shaped watercrafts as the river gently rocked them. Off a folding camping chair, Akihiko plucked a life jacket in each hand, tossing one to Kanji.

“Safety first, of course,” he said before slipping into his. A few proper shifts into gear later, “Alright, ready to go tubing?”

5. kanji --

Oh right! Safety first! After what had happened the previous day with the bears, the last thing Kanji wanted to do was risk anything that would lead to further disaster for the weekend, (which was why that morning he had taken the precaution to properly tie the food up in a tree, just case). He nodded and quickly buckled in. It made his whole body feel a bit stiff and bulky, but it was for the best.

Sunblocked and ready to go, Kanji got situated on one of the inner tubes with a small rope to quickly tie them together. “There. Now neither of us can get separated, just in case!” It was time to shove off and off they went! They were finally floating down the river.

6. akihiko --

So they did. And Akihiko appreciated the bustling waters, as his preferences align closely with vitality over inertia. But that didn’t keep him from seizing the plastic oar at his side and accelerating their ride despite the weight!

“Let’s spice things up, Tatsumi!” Every movement, every muscle contract, drove his voice into sounding predatory as though he was challenging Mother Nature herself.

The tubes lurched left and right. Slapped against stones and bounced off. The river responded with brazen splashes to wherever, including slick strikes to the face. Despite deliberate instability, Akihiko, laughing, aimed to prevail — and nonetheless keep his junior safe. At one point their tubes jounced and nearly flipped, but instead arrived a reward: a startled trout flopping onto Kanji’s thighs.

7. kanji --

Kanji was…certainly doing his best to behave for once! After the almost life-ending episode with the bears from yesterday the last thing he wanted was to cause anything that would further ruin this trip for the two of them. Yet now today it appeared to be Akihiko’s turn to endanger them both, tossing the inner tubes about on the river waves and rocks. The blonde was clinging to the safety grips on his own flotation and shifting his weight to keep them from toppling over but then -    FLOP!

A trout? Kanji almost panic had it not been for an otherwise harmless fish. Quickly, the younger emperor grabbed it by it’s fin, holding onto it tight and away from him even as it wiggled violently in his grip. “A-AH! The hell do I do with it?! Aki, slow the damn tubes down for a moment!” Was he suppose to actually release it? He was about to let go but then…they did sort of lose a good amount of food from the other day. This would be great to cook for dinner when the get back to their camp site. “Should we…k-keep it? Eat it?”

8. akihiko --

“Now would you look at that!” Akihiko exclaimed nearly breathlessly at their delicious arrival. “Keep it! We’ve earned it!”

His hair soaked in the winds and waters, appearing erratic. Moist bangs padded his forehead and trickled downward. Their tubes swayed and coursed on its own, while he was visibly catching his breath; the oar stayed clenched in his hands now in cessation.

Overhead, shady clouds were rolling in, issuing a forewarning. Akihiko took note of that.

“Hey, let’s go back.”

9. kanji --

“Huh? But we just started! We can’t go back right now. Besides, it’ll be harder to haul everything up the trail instead of catch the bus at the end of the-” Kanji couldn’t finish his protest with a massive wave of river water splashing in his face, and sending him overboard from the tubes. It had taken every bit of strength to not lose grip on the fish from slipping away in the water. However…with both hands holding tightly by the fins…something else had slipped away.

Kanji gasped when he finally came up to the surface and reached for the inner tube with one hand, looking around the river in a panic. “A-Aki! We got a situation here! I uh…I lost somethin’ and I don’t think I can just…climb back on the tube! My swimsuits’ gone!”

10. akihiko --

Akihiko reeled forward in alarm. Hell, he nearly jumped in himself. “Kanji?!”

Immediately, thank god, he spotted arms floundering. Next, a full head. Then the rest of his friend — almost. Out came the news, which frankly did not make a lick of sense. How does one lose a speedo clean off within a minute like this? Based on observation, Akihiko knew damn well that shit hugged his glutes intimately.

Needless to say, he was flabbergasted.

“You serious?” he asked, but judging from the other’s terror, Akihiko already knew the answer. “You’re serious.”

He gazed off into the distance and took a deep breath, at a loss himself.

Thankfully, his brain explored all seven stages of grief in ten seconds. “Okay, uh, it’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it.” They were both men, after all. “What matters is getting you out of…”

From the corner of his eye. In the background. A large bear emerging from the ensemble of trees and bushes and making its way towards the river. It dipped its paws in and masterfully fished out a black—

“…KanjiYourSpeedo—”

11. kanji --

Akihiko may have gotten over this rather quickly, but Kanji on the other hand was still in an internal state of panic. The beach episode had been one thing, his speedo not being tossed about violently to a point where it was impossible to see within the waters. This…this was an entirely different story. There wasn’t even seaweed around to cover himself with for the time being! All he had was a fish!

All hope seemed lost until Akihiko piped up, seeming to have sighted the treasured swimsuit only for all light within Kanji’s soul to sink into the darkest despair once more. A familiar, fuzzy friend seemed to have gotten hold of it along the river bank ahead. It was the famous mother bear and her two cubs from the other day.

         ………..

Kanji was going to FIGHT!

“HEY! THAT’S MINE! GIVE IT BACK!” Without any further thought, Kanji started to shift his way through the roaring waters in the bear’s direction, fish flailing about in his hand all the while.

12. akihiko --

“Tatsumi!” Akihiko rocked in his tube. “Wait!”

Yet he didn’t pursue him. He watched the other wade in the river so mightily it was possible for it to split in two… and reveal Kanji’s own crack.

With speedo in her clutches, the bear peered up at the approaching challenger in all his glory. She bore her canines as means to intimidate, ready to throw down — until the fish writhing in his hand soon caught her bloodthirsty sights.

Again, Akihiko shouted for Kanji, but a roar cut him off. Mama bear tamed her scowl and slowly backed up, before raising a paw at the trout. She couldn’t feed her cubs beach panties.

13. kanji --

Kanji…was a very stupid boi, and this was just another fine example of proof of such. Yet in that very moment it was as if the might rapids of this river were parting like the red sea to make way for him to challenge this ferocious bear to a duel for what was rightfully his. He’d never be able to call himself a man or reclaim manhood if had to run back to camp with his frontal tail shoved between his legs!

All hope seemed lost until he noticed the bears nose flare up…and the her paw swipe at the fish in hand. He knew…right away what he must do. And so…Kanji smacked her across the facewith that trout, grabbed his speedo when it fell from her jaw, tossed the fish over for her to run after, and then quickly let the rapids carry his naked body, and his swimsuit away!

It’s true, Kanji was stupid…and it showed when the damn thing almost slipped off his body when he was climbing back into the inner tube again.

14. akihiko --

That was the end of that. Apparently. Akihiko lacked words for what just took place.

Mealless once again, it was smooth sailing from here on out.

However, by the time they returned to their destination, forewarned clouds from earlier fully manifested like a goth mosh pit conquering the sky. In fact, it started pouring while they were still in their tubes. Akihiko climbed off, with slick, uncoordinated legs dangling momentarily into the water as the material underneath made anomalous squeaks of terror. Oh, how moist this all was. At last, shore: claimed. His bare feet slapped around in the mud, unfortunately.

Akihiko extended a hand towards Kanji.

“Hey, be careful– it’s slippery. Want me to help you out? It’s a little difficult…” As he just deplorably demonstrated.

15. kanji --

Kanji…had screwed up again. He should have just let the bear have it and dealt with somehow making his way back to camp in the nude. There would be clothes there waiting for him, and it wasn’t like their current situation was any better. Now they were trodding through the mud in a rain, and he had a hole in the rear of his speedo. The weather couldn’t be helped, but now part of Kanji felt like they wouldn’t have had to throw away the fish for dinner if he had just contained his anger and impulsive behavior.

He reached out for Akihiko’s hand to take as he climbed out of the river, tugging the tub along with him in his other hand…all before slipping forward on a wet spot and tugging Akihiko down into the mud with him. “W-WOW!” He landed face first, nose clogged with the filthy brown stuff. Luckily his life jacket and softened his fall…until the larger male landed right on top of him.

[betsyhavekost91]

“What is the deepest root of your joy: what God gives to you or what God is for you?”  -John Piper

Singleness. It isn’t the place in life I expected to be, nor wanted to be, at 29 years old. It is the season I didn’t want to experience long enough to write about. Yet, it is the place God has me.

In college, my golf coach had us set 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year goals related to golf performance, academics, and our personal lives. My 10-year-plans included being accepted to and graduating from occupational therapy school, working as an occupational therapist, paying off student loans, getting married, buying a home, and having kids. 10 years later, however, the relational aspects aren’t the case, In graduate school, I was the one in my friend group who had a boyfriend when my friends didn’t-- and now I’m the one who is still single while they are married and starting to have kids. God’s plan for my life has not matched the plan or timeline I had anticipated for my life.

However, I can say with certainty that God has used each season-- of singleness, waiting, dating, breakups, heartbreak, unknowns-- to shape me and mold me into who I am today. He has used singleness to push me to depend on His sufficiency and claim truth that a human being cannot satisfy my soul; used dating to challenge me to be myself and not who I think the guy would want me to be, to ask hard questions, and to hold fast to my identity in Him; used breakups to remind me of truth when the devil would speak lies and challenged me to believe that truth rather than simply knowing it in my head. Through it all, God has been faithful. 

And if not, He is still good. 

I have a sweet friend who had recently started dating, and she said to me, “Betsy, in many ways, I wish this was you instead of me, because I want this for you. But at the same time, that would be me claiming that this is ‘better’ or that the place you are in isn’t ‘good,’ and that isn’t true.” 

Those words have stuck with me. Because the truth is: the place I am in is good. 

I heard a sermon on Psalm 34 that spoke about disappointment and the goodness of God. It emphasized that our “ultimate good” as humans is to know God most deeply, in the fullest capacity. Nothing surpasses knowing, with greater intimacy, the one who Created my heart, desires, and personality. It emphasized this fact: if knowing God most deeply is my greatest good, then I can trust the circumstances which God ordains will accomplish that purpose. Thus, He is capable of using, and will use, the unique place I am in to show me Himself most intimately, or He wouldn’t keep me here. It is true for singleness, dating, marriage, parenting, grand-parenting, and all the places in-between. I love how Matthew 7:9-11 says  “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” God gives good gifts, He doesn’t give stones or snakes, and I can trust that. But I have to keep in mind that my definition of ‘good’ may differ from God’s.  

“ God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows.” -Tim Keller

“If God were small enough to be understood, He wouldn’t be big enough to be worshipped.” -Tim Keller

“Your eternity amnesia makes you unrealistically expectant, vulnerable to temptation, all too driven, dependent on people and things that will only disappoint you, and sadly susceptible to doubting the goodness of God. Recognizing the eternity that is to come allows you to be realistic without being hopeless, and hopeful when things around you don’t encourage much hope.” Paul David Tripp 

--------------------------------------------------------

How green is your grass?

That same friend also stated how each relationship status- single, dating, or married- each has its own challenges. It made me think of how we always perceive the grass to be greener on the other side. Someone once joked “the grass is just as brown on the other side” and I laughed, but also found it to be true. Each chapter of life has joys and trials, alike. 

Marriage is hard because your freedom looks different than it used to look. Your time is invested in pursuing and serving another sinful human. Your finances are not solely at your discretion. Your plans are less spontaneous, as you have to check in with another prior to scheduling. Your family has needs- there is more laundry to be done, more food to be cooked, more schedules to coordinate, more families to celebrate with (and coordinate with) at holidays, more messes to clean, more opinions to consider, more preferences for food or decorating, more hair on a bathroom floor, less closet space, and less flexibility. 

Dating is hard because there is no rule book or guide book for it. It may be fun at the beginning, when both parties are smitten, and then come hard conversations. Vulnerability, greater depth, getting to know each other’s friends and families. Unknowns of the future, processing each other’s pasts, and figuring out how to pursue friendships and have time for a relationship. Communicating, insecurity, sorting out feelings from truth, setting boundaries. The pain of breaking up versus the fear of the unknown that comes with continuing to progress forward. The feeling of failure or heartbreak if it doesn’t work out. 

Singleness is hard because it can feel endless or lonely or less than. You may attend bridal shower after baby shower after engagement party to celebrate your friends, all the while feeling forgotten. You commonly see your friends’ time be restructured toward their own family and married friends in a similar stage of life, with less time for you. Options for roommates dwindle. Achievements or celebrations make you wish you had someone to celebrate with. Loss or grief makes you wish you had someone to cry with. 

Yet, each season is also beautiful. And as 1 Corinthians 7:7 states, both singleness and marriage are a gift. I’m far from an expert on dating and obviously not married, but I feel like 29.4 years single has taught me a few things about singleness.

The gift of singleness.

Singleness is beautiful because it allows for so much freedom. Doesn’t everyone tell you this? But it’s so true. I can go to bed whenever I want and let my alarm run because it doesn’t bother someone else. I can eat what I want to eat for dinner, without considering if someone else will love it, and I can eat leftovers all week or try new recipes without having to take another’s thoughts into account. I can spend my money how and where I feel called to spend it, without considering another’s opinion. I can say “sure!” to spontaneous plans without asking if it works in the schedule. I can go on hiking trips or go see friends without coordinating childcare or meals while I’m gone. I can show up for friends who need a friend-- easily changing plans on a whim. I can invest deeply in my relationship with God, because my mornings aren’t interrupted by a baby’s cries or need to be fed and changed. I only have to get myself ready for the day. I can even pee uninterrupted (unless I’m babysitting my niece :))! 

God has taught me a lot in singleness, and these are 10 of the things I want myself to remember:

1. Singleness is hard and contentment is a process (and it is okay to admit it is hard). 

I used to feel weak if I admitted it was hard. I used to think contentment in singleness had a “peak” I could achieve, in which I’d be “good to go” in terms of contentment and then be able coast forward, or that God would bring a dude into my path once I reached that point. Now, I realize that my contentment in singleness ebbs and flows, and that the ebb and flow keeps me coming back to Jesus again and again. I’ve also learned contentment is not found in seeking contentment itself; instead, seeking to know Jesus more deeply brings about greater contentment. Now, I also understand it is okay to be honest when singleness is a struggle- it is called vulnerability- but it is also good not to dwell there. 

I have been encouraged by Paul’s words in Philippians 4:

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Contentment might not be a place we will ever “arrive” or fully achieve, however, it can be learned. Developed. Deepened. And how did Paul say he learned contentment in his life? By walking through the good stuff and the hard stuff, the full and the lack-- and by experiencing the strength and sufficiency of God in all the places in-between. And let’s be honest, contentment is something I struggle with in most aspects of life, not only in singleness, so pursuing Jesus is essential.

“If you give your heart to seeking satisfaction, satisfaction will be the one thing you’ll never find. Your heart will never be satisfied in things. No, your heart will be satisfied only in the Giver of the things. If you seek happiness, happiness will elude you. The earthly glories that God created are to be like signposts that point us to the one glory that will ever satisfy our hearts. If you seek satisfaction, satisfaction will escape your grasp. But if you seek God, rest in his presence and grace, and put your heart in his most capable hands, he will satisfy your heart as nothing else can. You were made for him.” -Paul David Tripp

2. There is grief in singleness (and it is okay to grieve in singleness).

This past year, I realized that I grieved in my singleness and in the things I have hoped for which haven’t become my reality. Grieving that a husband won’t get to meet my Grandma Bonnie or Grandpa Bumper, won’t see my sweet nieces at this stage of life, and won’t experience accomplishments or trials with me. 

I’ve realized there is also grieving in feeling left behind or left out. The reality is, most people do get married-- and by this point in my life, many of my friends from college, classmates from occupational therapy school, coworkers, and community are married. Marriage is beautiful, but it affects spontaneity and flexibility. Married people trend toward spending time with other couples, then typically move toward having children- so their time is more restricted, and their friend groups naturally shift toward those in similar life stages. Being a part of their lives certainly does not cease, but it usually does take more creativity and intentionality. It often involves being the initiator, jumping into their day-to-day by bringing food, fitting into their schedule, or traveling to them. It isn’t wrong, it’s just different (and ps. it’s worth it to jump into their lives).

Even this week, I had to admit grief was present and process it with God. God wasn’t, and He isn’t, surprised by it. Yet, glossing over it and not addressing it would not have helped me process disappointment and claim God’s faithfulness and goodness amidst it. Spend some time reading David’s words in the Psalms-- He processes grief by acknowledging it, bringing it before God, and then reorienting his heart toward truth. I love the quote by John Piper, which talks about grieving and moving forward.

“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God.” -John Piper

3. It is good to guard my heart in singleness (and guarding my heart may look different for me than for you). 

If you have been to any talk on relationships, you have likely heard Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

It has seemed almost cliche to me at times, however, God has given a greater understanding of what that looks like practically for me. For me, I am more aware of my singleness, I think more about marriage or meeting my spouse, and I have more difficulty being content in singleness when: I watch chick flicks, listen to music or read novels about love, and talk about singleness often. This list can differ for everyone, and it doesn’t mean that I avoid those things like the black plague; but I do I monitor my intake and know what feeds my soul. I know which things I watch, listen to, and spend time doing serve to reorient my heart toward Christ, His Kingdom, and my purpose on earth- versus what orients me toward myself and my singleness. 

My goal is to get my blood pumping and my heart excited about Jesus- and that is impacted by what I read, dwell on, listen to, and spend my free time doing.

“Is it good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night.” -Psalm 92:1-2

“Here is the biblical principle: it is not that I desire only evil things. No, the struggle is more subtle than that. It’s that good things can replace the Giver of those things in my heart. A desire for a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing. Here is another argument for the depth of our need for grace. We all still have wandering hearts. We are all still tempted to put the gift in the place that the Giver alone should occupy.” -Paul David Tripp 

4. It is good to talk to myself (and to question myself). 

I love Psalm 116:7, which says “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” In my walk with God, I often have to talk my heart into believing the things I know (in my head) are true. I need to sit down and list tangible evidence of God’s goodness or claim a reality as true, even when it doesn’t feel or seem to be that way. 

I read a post last year around Valentine’s Day which has stuck with me. The writer, who was single, said she wrestled with this question: “Could I make it if I’m single at 40? At 50? At 60?” She then shared how she had come to this conclusion (paraphrase by Betsy): I don’t know what my relationship status will be in next year, in 20 years or in 30 years, and I don’t have control over thirty years from now. However, I do have control over today. So, instead, she chose to ask the question: “Do I believe that God is sufficient for me today?” And I ask myself that same question- almost daily, if I’m honest. I can get caught up in God’s timing being far different than my ideal timing, but this question brings me back to trusting God’s goodness today. And then asking the question and choosing to trust again tomorrow. And the next day.

“I cry to you, LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” -Psalm 142:5

“Life is all about to whom and where you look for satisfaction of heart. The shape and direction of your life are determined by what you tell yourself will make you content. Everyone in some way says, ‘If only I had this, I would be content and able to stop looking for the next thing.’ What sits on the other side of your ‘if-only’?” -Paul David Tripp

5. It is good to be intentional in singleness (Show up and sow in season).

Proverbs 20:4 says “A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” At this point, I don’t know if my season of singleness will be another 3 years, 10 years, or the rest of my earthly existence. But I do know that I want to look back and see evidence of fruit coming from this season, and to hear God say “well done.” Rather than being passive as a sluggard, I want to be actively engaged, eternally-focused, and strategic with my time. I want my season of singleness, regardless of its length, to be devoted to the Lord and focused on knowing Him more deeply and glorifying Him. If I don’t have a vision or a goal, then it is unlikely I will achieve it.

I want to see singleness lead to: maturation in my intimacy with God, deeper belief in and dependence upon Him, investment in friendships and discipleship relationships, use of my time in a way that serves others, development of my spiritual gifts, generosity and stewardship of finances, learning not to keep score, professional development in my career, growth in my ability to cook, awareness of my sin and greater pursuit of holiness, and deeper understanding of God’s love in order to manifest His love to others- by showing up, rejoicing with those who rejoice, and mourning with those who mourn. 

“An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.” Acts 20:24

6. Don’t settle: know your non-negotiables (Ps. ‘negotiables’ is not actually a word, according to my spell-check).

I want to finish well in my walk with Christ. I want to maintain a fervor and zeal for knowing Him and loving people as I get older, and I don’t want to fizzle out. Honestly, that is hard enough to do on my own. So I would rather walk alone than walk with someone who has a different end goal or mission in life, who will hold me back or pull me a different direction. 

2 Corinthians 6:14 talks of not being unequally yoked and reinforces this idea, but I have also loved the picture of Psalm 92:12-15. I want to still bear fruit in old age and proclaim the Lord’s character- and I want to live life alongside a man who yearns for the same thing. Thankfully, I have examples of couples who live this out so beautifully.

Psalm 92:12-15 “The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.’”

In 6th or 7th grade, I had made a list of what I would look for in a spouse, and the list has evolved through relationships and over time. Now, the list of what I pray for includes qualities which I also pray are true of me, primarily: a soft, teachable, humble heart toward the Lord; a deep love for people, their eternity, and their souls; a desire, knowledge, and love for the Word; like-mindedness and mutual attraction to heart (mission in life), personality, and physical features.   

“With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6

7. No human relationship will ever satisfy (and it is good to admit that).

John 6 and Isaiah 55 talk about what satisfies-- and the answer is: Jesus alone. God has made it apparent, this year especially, that no human can ever make me (or you) feel complete, satisfied, fulfilled. Our culture likes to make it seem like people or things can satisfy our hearts, yet it is good to remind myself that is not true. My friends don’t understand me fully, my family doesn’t know fully what I need or want, and a spouse will certainly fail and disappoint me (as I certainly will him). Yet, all of it - beautifully- points back to a faithful, flawless, all-knowing, perfect-in-love, fully understanding, sovereign God. I can’t expect a human being to meet my needs- because that is not what they were created for. (This is one of those truths that I often have to claim and speak to my heart over and over in order to make myself believe it). 

Recently, likely as a result of COVID, I felt restless and unsettled- so I tried to figure out what was causing it. And I felt God remind me of what He has taught me before: that restlessness in my soul isn’t actually a bad thing, but instead, it is a good reminder. It reminds me that I will never find complete peace of heart, satisfaction, and fulfillment on this side of eternity- because I was not created for that. I was created for more. For an eternal, life-giving relationship with my Creator, and to enjoy complete fulfillment in Him for eternity. This flawed world and the restlessness it induces serves to remind me that my current reality is not the place I was meant to seek satisfaction- and that I can long for heaven all the more. 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.” Isaiah 55:3 It is in coming to Him and listening to Him that my soul truly finds life.

“Only the gargantuan glory of God can rescue you from all the mini glories of creation that regularly seduce and kidnap your heart.” Paul David Tripp

8. It’s a learning process (I don’t know all there is to know, and God is gracious in it).

I’d like to be able to “master” singleness, but that would lead me to less dependency, more self-sufficiency, and more pride. So God keeps me here- reminding me of things I have already learned and drawing me deeper into them, or teaching me new things, as I have the capacity to handle it. He doesn’t expect me to have it all together, He just wants me to seek Him in it-- as He desires for me to do in every season of life.

The nearness of God is one of my favorite concepts of God, and I love that God is near, is for me, and is faithful- regardless of the season in which I find myself. I love that this reality will not change, even if my relationship status does.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and WILL BE WITH YOU; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” 

9. Embrace where you are right now (don’t believe the lie that marriage is when “life starts”).

1 Corinthians 7:7 calls both singleness and marriage gifts. Truly, though- what a blessing and gift the little freedoms of singleness can be! So, in addition to desiring to be intentional with my use of singleness, I want to enjoy, embrace, and be thankful for the freedoms it affords. When a friend needs me to show up, I want to be there. When an adventure is on the docket, I want to go for it. When I have the opportunity to buy a house, I want to act upon it. With freedom also comes the need for wisdom, but I want to live in light of the blessing it is to use my time, energy, finances, and talents right now. 

I don’t want to wait around “for my life to start” if or when I have a spouse, because my life has already started. The Bible doesn’t put restrictions on my life being valuable or purposeful if I’m married or if I have children. I mean, Jesus, Himself, was single. And He was perfect, God in human form. Thus, singleness does not make me “incomplete” or “lacking” in any way, otherwise Jesus Himself would have been incomplete or lacking. Paul was also single- and look at how greatly God used him for the advancement of the Gospel. My perspective can become far too narrow, far too easily. My purpose is for Jesus to be glorified in my life here on earth- and He is able to do that in any and every season of my life. So I want to be willing and available now. My life is not about marriage, it’s about living for Jesus in the place He has me. 

“My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in spirit, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” Colossians 2:2-3

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” -Psalm 90:12

10. Don’t compare your story to everyone else’s (because it isn’t supposed to be like everyone else’s).

It’s far easier said than done. I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart like my sister did and didn’t meet my husband during college like my friend did. My story is unique, as is yours, and God desires for that to be the case. It’s a lot harder to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn when my heart is comparing to another or envious of another. So name the things you are thankful for, admit your life isn’t the same as someone else’s, and live your own story. 

I am also not the only one who doesn’t have a spouse and is experiencing singleness. My grandpa Milt and grandma Skeet have both lost their spouses, as have many of my patients. There are single moms and dads. There are military spouses who are doing life on their own as their loved ones are deployed. And so many others who are doing life without a spouse. It’s a lot easier to throw a pity party for myself when I convince myself I am the only one experiencing singleness-- and the truth is, I am not. 

“From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.” Acts 17:26-27 

My life isn’t a surprise to God- He is well aware of my story. 

Wise words from a friend, and words from a truth-filled song:

Singleness doesn’t require a special calling. It doesn’t hinder our ability to do ministry, not disqualify us from ministry. The church should be a mix of single and married people, and we all have something to share with each other.” -Salma Sulaiman

“All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”

[w1tchy13itch-blog]

For your scholars! 64 through 71 and 74 through 80 please! I'm interested in learning more about your ocs! - Toad Mod

Yo! hehehehe I like this batch of questions too XD 

I’ll answer the first half now, and the other half later after classes get out for me!

Lemme see what I can manage: 

64: Where were your scholar’s parent(s) or guardian(s) born?

Lillie: Lillie’s dad was born in Yamagata prefecture in Japan, and her mother is a second generation Japanese American from central California. 

Vivian&Darcy: Their biological parents (out of the three) were both born then the UK, and their parent’s partner was born in Melbourne, Australia. 

Flora: Her mother is British and her bio-father (divorced and deceased) was Irish. Her stepmother is of Indian descent but was born and raised in Whales. 

Abigail: Her biological parents were born in Mexico and Texas, but lived in northern Mexico. Her foster parents were born in New York but her foster mother is half Korean and her foster father is Jamaican American. (They moved to Texas, and then Arizona for the warmer climate and a desire to live in a quieter, more natural environment)

65: Is there anything about your scholar’s past that they don’t want anyone to know? 

Lillie: Her deadname, basically.

Vivian&Darcy: Vivian hasn’t got any, but Darcy, like Lillie, would rather not have his deadname spread around. He’s far more comfortable in his new body though, than Lillie, but no matter how much you physically feel good, it sucks to have people disregard you and undermine you.

Flora: for the sake of Angus’s privacy and her own, she prefers no one knows she has a child. When she meets, by chance, Angus’s biological father a few years after she’d been attending Arlington and finds out he’s transferred to the same school via a scholarship, she is apprehensive about telling him, but manages to work out an agreement with him to share custody so long as he keeps quiet about the situation. 

Abigail: If she could have her way, she wouldn’t let you know what she ate for breakfast. Mainly, she doesn’t want people to know her personal life, she wants them to appreciate her for the character she is on stage and her presence in the spotlight, but wishes for her past with her family and current relationship with Flora to be untouched and protected as much as possible. 

66: Has your scholar ever kissed anyone?

Lillie: Nope, purely clean lips here. Familial kisses don’t count, and she’s never really been desired or sought by anyone before that was of the gender she prefers so it’s kind of rough on her. Hopefully Arlington will change that, because there’s a pair of lips named Tadashi Nakano that she is dying to taste.

Vivian: She had a girlfriend who is now just a close friend. (her friend got into the T.V. acting business and is currently the star of a teen mystery drama on a British kids show channel) 

Darcy: He kissed a girl for a dare once, and had a boyfriend for 4 days that ended up being one of those “I thought I liked you but i guess i kind of didn’t, and this is awkward now” kind of people. 

Bonus: Flora kissed her kid’s dad quite a lot that one specific time, and she and Abigail kiss around 8 times a day on average. 

67: What is your scholar’s favorite holiday? 

Lillie: Lillie likes Halloween the best. There weren’t many holidays her family celebrated, and Halloween was one of the few they did. She uses it as an excuse to cosplay because she can’t afford to go to real conventions. 

Vivian&Darcy: They both love Valentines day and go all out romantic for their significant others or crushes. 

Flora: Her and Angus’s birthday. Her parents travelled the world with her so she knows of too many holidays to count, let alone choose one. And so, she figures that her day of birth and her son’s are probably the best ones there are because they’re special days that only the two of them can fully appreciate

Abigail: Halloween and Christmas both. This chick is like ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ in human form. 

68: What do they enjoy dressing up as on Halloween?  If they don’t dress up or go trick-or-treating, then what do they do instead?

Lillie: She uses Halloween as an excuse to cosplay and has a roster of anime characters that she’d like to cosplay next. She chooses a character from a different anime each year. Recently she went as Rock Lee, and her older sister went as (a very unfit) Might Guy from Naruto.

Vivian&Darcy: ever since being born they’ve gone for halloween in things that come in pairs, from salt and pepper shakers at 2 years old to Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett this year (their plan for this year is to run a meat pie, and other baked goods, cafe from within their parents home.) 

When not dressing up which is rare, they have been hired to host children’s parties in their local neighbourhood (also part of why they hold a themed cafe or barbeque each year). 

Flora: She seldom had time for Halloween as a kid seeing as she was constantly travelling but her favourite country’s practice of Halloween is Britain because of how extravagant they can get, and now that she’s dating Abby she’s learning about the history and significance of ‘The Day of the Dead’. She usually just ends up dressing like a witch with the same costume each year but accessorised differently.

Abigail: La Dia de los Muertos, which isn’t really ‘Halloween’ as most western countries view it, was always her favourite time of the year. In an otherwise rather lacking childhood, most of her good memories came from the festival. Her foster parents upon adopting her researched and studied how to help her keep in touch with her cultural history and tradition, and helped her set up a shrine in their own house so she could still celebrate her Abuela and her older brother who died when she was 6. 

69: It’s your crush’s birthday!  What does your scholar get/do for them? 

Lillie: Aside from generally stressing and not knowing what to do, she probably cooks him something and offers it to him with shaking hands, most likely looking away. Tadashi, being who he is, makes a joke to ask if it’s poisoned which earns him an irritated glare. Then he nearly cries at how good it tastes. 

Vivian: She takes you out on a date. Where do you want to eat? What do you want to wear? You wanna see a movie? Late night walk in the park? You got it. She’s on it. Already bought tickets a week ago. Reserved a private table in a restaurant. Gets her parent’s driver to take you places. 

Darcy: he’s similar to Vivian, but he does things more personalised like. He sneakily susses out what you want and like all year beforehand and does stuff like make a ghost profile on amazon or pintrest to see what things are in your wishlist etc. He’d probably also make a mixtape of songs that you and him like, or that are important to you (hard to do in his case, since he’s trying to woo Axel though). Also, he’s DTF (Down to fuck FUN!). Just saying. 

Flora: Birthdays are BIG deals for her, so she, like Darcy, finds out things you like and want. She is more direct about it though and asks you to your face what you want, or what you would like. She also is good at cake decoration and likes making personalised designs for them. She can also sing ‘happy birthday’ in 4 languages, and on occasion has been able to get ahold of foreign gifts from places she’s visited overseas before. 

Abigail: For the very first birthday she spends with you, She puts on a whole personalised performance for you! (non sexually, of course, this is the kind where your parents and kids can be invited too). She gets caterers to help with food, and she buys out a venue of whatever size she needs and you and your whole family and as many friends as you can fit are invited. 

For later on in your relationship this only happens again during milestones like 5 years anniversary or something (it’s not a secret, I’m keeping her and Flora together forever). On off years, she just cuddles with you and spoils you with shopping sprees and they buy huge donut boxes or chocolate sample boxes and watch trashy/cheesy foreign romances. 

70: How would your scholar react to seeing their crush crying? 

Lillie: If somehow, by some, horrific, ungodly force, you managed to make Tadashi of all people cry, She would probably gently ask him if she can help at all. she knows he’s a little bristly, and doesn’t always appreciate her over-empathy, but she loves him a lot and wants to help him. 

She gives him the option to turn her away if he needs time alone but wants him to know that she is available whenever he is ready to talk. If he is, by chance, ready, she sits by him and holds him closely, either listening to him talk, or listening to him cry. Kisses and head scratches are also inevitable. 

Vivian: She is the person who runs up to you and holds you, asking you what’s wrong. I’m apprehensive to go further because I don’t know much about her crushes yet (Claire and Alistair) so i’ll have to wait and see. I feel like Vivi would probably react slightly differently depending on how her crush displays grief, but on a base level, she’s a hugger and sweet-talker to get you to calm down.

Darcy: It’s time to FIGHT. Who does he need to knock the fuck out? The first few times, his crush (Axel) is probably too busy holding him back to be crying anymore. After a few more times, Darcy is still raving mad, but he keep it in long enough to responsibly evaluate the situation. Still probably ready for low-key revenge, but he’s not as trigger happy with his fists anymore. 

Flora: She calmly asks her to walk her through what happened. A future lawyer at heart, she can and will do whatever she can to make sure Abby is done right by via compensation or proper and called for retribution. However, she is fully aware of the fact that sometimes Abigail gets into trouble in the first place because of her own faults. Abby isn’t very good at making friends, but good at making enemies. Definitely not an innocent little angel. Her girlfriend is basically her #1 test client, because of how she is, socially and how much legal drama the celebrity life brings on top of that.

Abby: Abby isn’t good with emotions. She’s not even good with her own, let alone knowing how to help Flora when she’s down. It’s usually the other way around. When Flora is upset, which is very very rare, Abigail tends to leave her alone or to sit quietly by her, super anxious and not knowing what to do at all. Flora doesn’t resent this, because she knows Abby’s limitations and inabilities. She tends to prefer to cry it out until she’s done crying anyway, and typically feels better afterwards. 

71: How would your scholar react to seeing their enemy crying?

Lillie: She laughs. Quietly, of course, and to herself, but she’s typically satisfied if things aren’t going well for an enemy. Of course, unless the situation is extreme or a special case. But there is one specific enemy in mind (an OC) whom she’d happily drop kick into the sun if she could, so seeing her cry would be fine by her. 

Vivian: She ignores them and moves on. She doesn’t care enough to tempt them when they’re in a good mood, and she certainly doesn’t want to offer her kindness to someone who will probably use it against her later. 

Darcy: Same as his sister, but he also probably then asks what happened, usually out of general curiosity. 

Flora: She has very few enemies, and being a future lawyer, she is training herself to have less of a bias when it comes to justice (the exception is if you mess with Abigail). She’ll ask if she can help in anyway, or at the very least she’ll ask what’s wrong. Also, she has a deep maternal instinct in the first place, and wants to help out as many as she can manage.

Abby: Abby ignores them like the twins do, not only because of how bad she is around crying, but she might have been the reason some people have cried. 

She has gotten into fist fights with people before for her general inability to chill out, and especially if it’s a person she dislikes. She was almost expelled once for grabbing Karolina by the tie and ripping her shirt collar, and has given Axel a wedgie on more than one occasion. Naturally she and Darcy hate each other because Darcy tends to get too protective over Axel. It’s a big, ugly, sad mess. 

I’ll continue the other questions in a second post!