#so now i just try as often as possible to isolate myself in my room unless we're going out in public bc then i can sorta be myself

[hyperactivetransdrone]

jokes on you my mother said the 1 as long as im under 18 im her property and 2 as long as im under 18 privacy isnt a thing that exists and if she says it then it must be true!

(check my tags before saying im wrong plz)

hey parents: there is literally no non-abusive reason a person would want the ability to read someone’s emails, track their location, and go through their calls and text messages without their knowledge or consent.

[biscuitdolly]

୨ৎ absolute necessities .ᐟ

if you're trying to glow up, get healthier, etc, these are the very basics that you absolutely NEED to follow!

01, WATER .ᐟ

Staying hydrated is crucial for your health and wellbeing. While the recommended daily intake is 8 cups of water, you can gradually increase your consumption over a few weeks if that seems too overwhelming. Drinking enough water provides numerous benefits, from clearing skin and flushing out waste, to boosting exercise performance and supporting weight loss. Despite being the very essence that sustains life, water is often underappreciated.

02, FOOD .ᐟ

I used to skip breakfast, thinking it would help me lose weight. However, studies show that those who eat breakfast tend to lose more weight and keep it off longer. The truth is, food is incredibly important. It's best to regulate your eating habits by consuming at least 3 meals per day, even if they're only small portions. Some food is better than no food. If you want to go on a diet, that's fine! but make sure you research healthy dieting methods. At a minimum, eat one serving of fruits and vegetables daily, and try to increase that to five servings per day if possible. Proper nutrition is key for your overall health.

03, HOBBIES .ᐟ

i have this previous post regarding hobbies you could try! It's so important to find fun activities that you genuinely enjoy and look forward to doing. Hobbies add fun to your life and pose as a nice break from technology and the stress of work and school. They also greatly improve symptoms of depression and anxiety. You could do some physical activity, such as a sport you like, or something more calm and creative, like painting or writing.

04, SLEEP .ᐟ

a lot of people struggle to fall asleep at a decent time. Try getting ready for bed early. Personally, I tend to take off my make up and do my skincare immediately after i come home for school/work so i don't have to worry about it before bed.

Technology is probably your sleeping schedule's worst enemy, as the blue light from the screen keeps your brain awake, so try to pause screen-related activities at least an hour before bed. Also, try not to snack 2 - 4 hours before you go to sleep. This is because lying down makes it harder for your body to digest food, which can result in sleeplessness.

Forcing yourself to go to bed super early isn't helpful either. Like I've mentioned in my other points, take things slow and gradual!

05, SOCIALIZATION .ᐟ

Engaging in simple social interactions, such as conversing with family, seeing friends, or greeting people on the street, is incredibly important. Isolating yourself in your room all day accomplishes nothing.

There was a time when I dreaded spending time with friends, convinced I lacked the energy or mood. However, once I forced myself to make plans, I realized how much I genuinely enjoyed their company. Other people are what make life truly worthwhile. So why not reach out to a friend right now and invite them to hang out tomorrow?

06, ACTIVITY .ᐟ

you don't need an exercise routine if you don't want one, but simple physical activity is still a daily necessity! At least 30 minutes is recommended. Personally, i most enjoy plugging in my headphones and going on a walk around my neighbourhood for an hour or two.

07, SELF TALK .ᐟ

Arguably one of my most important points, quit the self-deprecating talk. You never realize how much it affects you until you quit it. Yes, you can absolutely get that assessment done. Yes, you are a likable and amazing person. Just keep affirming and reminding yourself that you are worthy, and you will attract so many good things. Trust me, it will help you so much in the long run.

[daylighted]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤBETTER BIRTHDAYS — vampire!dean

slowly, dean is learning to love his birthdays again, after going for decades without letting himself.

not what i intended to write, and not as good as i wish it was, but to be fair to myself i have sickness. and i'm NOT missing out on my beloved baby's birthday! if logistics don't make sense, i don't care. that's fiction baby! vampire!dean is just rent free so it was inevitable.

it wasn’t supposed to be possible.

it was one of those things that dean came to terms with when he’d been turned so long ago — a family? was not something that was personally in dean’s cards. he’d have an infinite life, yes, but any family he wanted would have to be made or created, and not in the way that he’d ever get a chance to hold something so small that was part him.

dean forgot often that the impossible seemed to happen a lot around him.

there was a moment when he thought that being with you was a fate destined for doom. but every step of the way, you’d helped convince him that decades of isolation did not equate to deserving said isolation, and slowly, he’d let you make a home in his heart.

you accepted him for what he was. you trusted him with all you had; let him into your heart, your house, and every room that was deigned yours. no secrets, you’d promised.

it was a promise you held true to, because on a day he’d always remember, june 27th, you’d sat him down and told him that you were pregnant. and, on top of that initial shock, you were three months along.

he’d used the word impossible over and over throughout your pregnancy. this was not something for dean to pour his hope into and get attached to. it had to be a mistake; it had to be a misunderstanding — something.

but on dean’s birthday, a day he refused to celebrate anymore because of how many he’d had, a day that you took into your own hands and made him celebrate anyway—

a little boy was born.

a son with his hair, his face, and your eyes. so human and so real that it stole his breath away, unable to breathe at all even if he wanted to try again.

and it only got more chaotic from there. the little boy was an absolute devil; just as dean had been before sam was born, and before his father sank into a depression that drowned both of them. cassius winchester was a little force with sharp teeth and an affinity for crawling after him everywhere that dean went.

everything about cassius was impossible. that was why he’d been given the name, after all; helmeted warrior, it meant, so nothing could take him, so nothing would try to. now that dean had him, it was not going to be so easy to pry him away.

it was cassius’s third birthday, which meant it was dean’s… he’d lost count, really. either way, it was an incredibly special day for you. your two boys, one grown and one anew, and while you didn’t fit the mold when it came to the family dynamic that your boys painted, you certainly made up for it with your enthusiasm.

“blood in the icing?” you’d asked dean the moment he stepped downstairs, cassius balanced on his hip. “would that make it any more edible for you? for cassy?”

dean, taken aback for a moment, raises his eyebrows. “what would you eat, then?”

“i’m sure a little iron in my diet won’t hurt me.”

his scoff is an amused one, his eyebrows furrowing when he feels a sharp nip on his fingertip. in cassius’s mouth is dean’s finger, gnawing on it like it were nothing more than a teething toy.

his lips quirk up. he hasn’t genuinely grinned in so long that it feels almost foreign all of the time to do it now, since he met you, and even more since cassius. “on second thought, it might not be a bad idea.”

you stop the stand mixer to glance up at them, your eyes glimmering with that look that dean always refused to address. so much love for one person always made him feel on edge, like one day it would all fall away, like everyone else he’d loved prior. his fears had never once deterred you. perhaps it was why he, too, loved you so fiercely.

“he finally learned how to use those little teeth?” you ask, circling around the kitchen island to stand in front of dean and cassius, your expression alight. “what a milestone, my love. and on your third ever birthday.”

it certainly was a milestone. cassius had not let up his biting, little pinches that were certainly going to leave his finger raw for a few hours while it tried to heal. already, dean was planning on tossing all of the teething toys in the house away; he did not care for them like he cared for dean’s pointer finger.

you press a kiss to dean’s cheek, cassius’s forehead, before turning back to the slightly/less-dusty kitchen again. it’d been practically gray before you, but you had to eat, didn’t you? the scattered leftovers of human and forest creature in the boxed refrigerator did nothing for you. but you stop quickly, your eyes widened when you spin back around.

“wait!” you say on a gasp, grabbing something from underneath the countertop. two somethings. very shiny somethings. you jog back up to dean, looping the string of one underneath his chin and planting the birthday hat securely on his head, and doing the same for cassius, albeit with a smaller one. “happy birthday, my boys.”

dean tries to not let it affect him so deeply. how long had it been since his birthday felt like something to be celebrated and not a burden? there were so many years of those feelings that he did not understand yet how to react in instances like this, in the sheer warmth that you and cassius’s joy brought to him.

you were well aware of dean’s affinity for privacy. he was reserved, had made a home in the reservation, and would not leave it, not when he was so comfortable. so you did not call upon his sired to come celebrate — especially not them, when he was only beginning to heal the self-deprecation that came from their being there.

you did, though, dust away his hallway of their paintings, and uncover his painting supplies again. it was special to him, after all, and a hobby he’d locked away for too long after realizing the solace he found in keeping memories forever was embedding him into the past.

the paints and the blank canvasses were neatly wrapped in your room, along with a smaller box — dean’s present pile. there were more toys wrapped in a pile next to it, toys that cassius was far too spoiled already to need, but deserved anyways.

dean is not amused by the blindfold you put over his eyes as you led him to your shared room. or really, he was incredibly amused, but not so much to find out that all it served for was a dramatic way to lead him to his gifts while cassius napped downstairs.

“there are much more fun things that we could do with this blindfold,” he grumbles from in front of you, “there are much more fun things that we have done with it.”

“it is okay to be selfish and accept gifts sometimes, dean,” you say back, lightly kicking open the door with your foot to guide him inside.

dean is at his most shy and timid, somehow, on his birthday. as if he could make himself invisible and shrunken enough to be forgotten about, as if this day was not as equally about dean as it was cassius. “you are well aware of how little birthday gifts i’ve gotten over these years, aren’t you?”

“that is why i’ve got you three today.”

he can’t see, but he can hear the rustling of wrapping paper. shifting around, moving him as you so please, until he’s sat on the edge of the bed, and you are sitting at his feet in front of him, can feel the warmth of your humanity seeping into his legs.

something heavy lands in his lap.

“you may take it off,” you hum, and dean is not surprised to see that when he does, you are wearing a smug grin that makes you all the more beautiful. “go on. open it. that’s why gifts exist; to be opened.”

“i have not gotten a birthday gift in a while,” dean says with a huff, lifting his eyes as he tears into the wrapping paper to meet yours, “but that does not mean i need the process explained—”

his words die in his throat.

his paints. the ones that created life out of people he’d long killed. his heart falters. his mind blanks.

“this—” you pat the biggest gift behind you; flat and hollow when your hand touches it, “is some of the canvases i found too. i was just thinking— well, about how you paint everything you love in case it leaves.”

dean can’t even find the words to respond. his eyes stay locked on yours with a vulnerability you rarely see. “but i’m not leaving. and cassius is not leaving. and i think a family portrait for the front entrance would look lovely, don’t you?”

his swallow is thick and unnecessary, but he feels the lump in his throat and simply can’t help it.

instead of addressing your words, or the paints in his lap, or anything, he looks at the third present sat in your lap. his voice is raw when it comes out. “what is that one?”

dean’s paintbrushes, he assumes. fits the theme, would complete the puzzle.

your lips curl in a little grin. “those are cassius’s building blocks and perhaps a toy train. i can’t spoil everything.”

the attempt at lightening the mood works. he sets the paints aside and leans forward, lifting your chin with one finger and reaching into your lap with the other of his hands. “i meant this, little devil.”

there is no explanation or comments from you this time, as he opens it. it was hasty, the way he tore in, feeling light and airy like he did as a child on christmas. it’d been a long time since dean had felt so free.

it was not paintbrushes as he assumed, though. for the second time in one evening, you’d shocked the words out of him.

impossible, his mind begins to repeat again, but it’s quieter. less insistent. the voice of his subconscious had already been proven wrong once before.

a pregnancy test with two lines sits in the little jewelry box you’d tucked it away in.

the lump in his throat is tight, heavier. his mouth opens, closes, opens again, and no words come out. dean is left holding a pregnancy test between his fingers like it might break, left staring at the one person who heard his cries for company and answered with a family.

a family. how long had it been since he let himself dream? of this, of you, of anything?

“i know it is yours and cassius’s day, but i figured…” you don’t even need to finish the sentence for dean to get it. this was something that he’d wanted desperately, a secret he shared only with you. his childhood was bleak and unforgiving. all dean wanted was a chance to start anew and make it better.

here it was, in the form of a stick and a woman and a toddler.

he is more ginger with the pregnancy test than he was with the paints. as much as he appreciated the sentiments being brought back up, painting sam and judas had pulled all of the fun and the peace out of the hobby. he had no intention of digging back into the part of himself that loved the art of creation, in any way.

but now, in his head, there’s the grant entrance of his manor. and above the fireplace is you next to him in acrylic, a little cassius painted onto his hip, and a little baby in your arms. it would be updated every time his children grew. it would be updated every year, maybe even, so he could have multiples of you in the dresses he loved so dearly, and to see the progression of his kids. his family.

the hand on your chin moves to the back of your neck, tugging you up and into his arms. his eyes close, breathing you in slowly. he’s always loved the warmth of your livelihood, and it felt that much more intense, knowing that there was another life now, too.

“you have a talent for making a man forget he doesn’t deserve this,” he whispers into your throat.

you grasp at the sleeves of his coat, the grin on your face evident even as its buried into his chest. he can feel it, the pull of your lips, your smiling mouth in his shirt. “i hope to foster that talent, then. to become an expert in bringing you a lifetime’s worth of better birthdays.”

dean doesn’t know how to tell you that these years with you have done plenty. this was all he needed — you and the family you brought to him — to have better days and better birthdays.

so he stays silent and holds you to him, letting himself slip away into this life that felt more and more like a wish come true with every passing day.

and it is only when the sounds of little footsteps start stomping up the stairs toward your room, toward his presents, that dean’s eyes lift up to meet the sleep mussed little boy babbling to himself — and the big brother t-shirt you’d had him in, only now noticed.

notes. i literally woke up just to write this quick asf & post it PLS. if it sucks my bad. i'm just a girl. happy bday my pookie beloved baby waby!!!

tags. @titsout4jackles @moonstruksandco @starzify @ultravi0lence14 @itzavahere @sagegreen17 @bruceewayne @jays-bonnie-on-the-side @deansbeer @blushpinkdoll @warpedless @sabrinasopposite @k-slla @deansbite @foolinthera1n @honeyryewhiskey @angelblqde @whyyouegg @bluemerakis @fallbhind @florchids @figthoughts @beausling @chevroletdean @mccartneyqp @bluestrd @sthefferrete @rubyvhs @tortureddarkstar @aileenunfiltered @frosttbitessam @theosaurous

[passengerprincessblog]

“Off Track” ~ Pt. 3 Franco x Reader

Warnings?: lowkey NSFW. 🙈

Summary: As Y/N and Lewis wait at a fancy restaurant, a lingering sense of guilt fills Y/N as she recalls her recent interactions with Franco. When Franco arrives and takes the seat beside her, the tension intensifies as he discreetly pushes boundaries, all while Lewis remains blissfully unaware.

WC: 1,700?

The restaurant was everything you’d expect when Lewis Hamilton chose a place for dinner. Elegant, dimly lit, with an ambiance that whispered luxury. The manager hovered nearby, discreet but clearly attentive, eyeing Lewis every so often to make sure his famous guest was happy. I couldn’t help but feel a little out of place, yet Lewis seemed perfectly at ease, his fingers tracing lazy circles on the back of my hand as we waited.

“You look beautiful tonight,” he murmured, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. His thumb brushed over my knuckles, his gaze softening as he looked at me, and for a moment, I almost felt like we were just any other couple, sharing a quiet dinner together.

“Thank you,” I replied, offering him a small smile. His touch was comforting, familiar. But as he continued to hold my hand, a wave of guilt rippled through me. Because all I could think about was Franco.

The memory of Franco’s number saved in my phone burned in my mind, a constant reminder of how reckless I’d been. How reckless I felt, even now, sitting here with Lewis, knowing Franco was on his way. My heart raced, not with excitement from the man sitting across from me, but from the one I’d been secretly thinking about all night.

The door to the restaurant opened, and I looked up to see Franco walking in, scanning the room. He was dressed in a dark blazer, his usual race-day attire replaced with something refined, almost… I clear my throat. For a moment, I barely recognized him. I wasn’t the only one; Lewis looked surprised as well, clearly impressed.

Franco’s gaze landed on us, and his eyes lingered on me, a hint of something unspoken flashing in his expression. He looked me up and down, and I could tell he’d noticed the tightness of my dress, the way it hugged my curves. It was a thrill I couldn’t deny, the subtle heat in his gaze sending shivers down my spine.

Lewis stood, breaking the moment. He reached out, pulling Franco into a hug, patting him on the back. “You clean up well, Colapinto,” he said with a grin. “Almost didn’t recognize you.”

Franco laughed, his voice carrying a mix of excitement and pride. “Had to make an effort, you know? Can’t show up underdressed when I’m having dinner with Lewis Hamilton.”

He sounded so sincere, almost boyish in his admiration, and I felt my heart twist as I watched him. But then he turned, slipping into the seat next to me without hesitation, his arm brushing against mine as he sat down. I froze, my mind racing. Of all the seats, he chose the one right next to me… while Lewis was sitting across the table. I told myself I was reading too much into it; it was just a seat, after all. But the thrill that shot through me told me otherwise.

“How are you?” Franco asks me as he looks at me.

“Good… thanks…” I say softly, trying not to look too excited to be next to him.

“Pareces hambriento.. (You look hungry..)” he teases me.

My face heats up at the possibility of innuendo. I’m just glad Lewis doesn’t know Spanish.

As the evening went on, Lewis and Franco quickly fell into a lively conversation, discussing the chaotic race, upcoming circuits, and, of course, laughing over stories involving Lando Norris. They were both completely absorbed, trading jokes and stories, their laughter filling the air between sips of wine.

I smiled, laughed when appropriate, but I couldn’t shake the growing sense of isolation. Here I was, sitting between two men who commanded so much of my attention, yet I felt… invisible. Everything always seemed to circle back to Lewis—his stories, his accomplishments, his world. Even Franco, the one person I thought might make me feel seen tonight, was fully wrapped up in Lewis’s orbit.

I swirled my wine, barely listening to their conversation, my mind wandering back to that spark, that thrilling energy that Franco had brought into my life. It was ridiculous, of course, but I felt as if I were drifting further and further into the background, the invisible shadow beside the legend.

Just as I was about to retreat fully into my thoughts, I felt something warm against my thigh. My eyes widened slightly, my heart stopping as I realized it was Franco’s hand. He was sitting there, fully engaged in a story Lewis was telling about his charity work, but his hand was slowly inching its way up my leg, hidden beneath the tablecloth.

I glanced over at Lewis, my pulse quickening, but he was completely oblivious, too busy discussing his dog Roscoe to notice what was happening under the table. Meanwhile, Franco’s hand moved higher, his fingers pressing gently against my thigh, edging up with a confidence that made my skin tingle.

I shot Franco a quick look, and though he didn’t turn to meet my gaze, I saw the playful glint in his eyes as he continued to nod along to Lewis’s story. His fingers slid higher, grazing just beneath the hem of my dress, teasing me with every slight movement.

My face grew warm, my breathing shallow as I tried to keep my composure. My hand slipped beneath the table, gently covering his, letting him know that I wasn’t pulling away. His fingers stilled for a moment, then continued their slow, steady journey upward, venturing dangerously close to the edge of my lacy underwear.

It was maddening, the way he managed to act so composed, all while his hand sent sparks through me with every inch it climbed. I could barely focus on Lewis’s words, every nerve in my body focused on the touch, the thrill of Franco’s forbidden hand under the table.

“Y/N?” Lewis’s voice broke through my haze, snapping me back to reality. I blinked, looking up to find him smiling softly at me.

“Hmm?” I tried to sound casual, forcing a smile that I hoped didn’t look as strained as it felt.

“I was just saying,” he continued, squeezing my hand across the table, “I’m really glad you’re here with me tonight. It means a lot.”

My heart ached at his words, but the guilt only seemed to heighten the thrill of Franco’s touch. I managed a small smile, nodding. “I’m glad too, Lewis.”

And yet, beneath the table, Franco’s hand was a constant reminder that my thoughts were nowhere near as innocent as I tried to pretend. He was so close now, fingers brushing lightly against the sensitive skin of my thigh, his touch electrifying, as if he knew exactly how to drive me crazy without saying a single word.

Lewis turned back to Franco, starting on another story, and I let out a shaky breath, unable to focus on anything except the hand beneath the table and the butterflies raging in my stomach.

Franco’s fingers paused for a moment, and I dared a quick glance at him. His gaze flicked to me briefly, a subtle smirk playing on his lips. He didn’t need to say anything; the glint in his eyes was enough. He was enjoying this, the thrill of pushing boundaries, of playing with fire. And as much as I hated to admit it, so was I.

With a soft sigh, I leaned back in my chair, still holding Lewis’s hand on top of the table, while Franco’s hand continued its teasing journey beneath. It was dangerous, reckless, but in that dimly lit restaurant, surrounded by laughter and wine, I let myself indulge in the thrill of it.

Just when I thought he would stop, his fingers brushed the edge of my lacy thong, hooking around the band with a boldness that sent a jolt straight through me.

I sucked in a breath, the air catching in my throat as I shifted slightly, acutely aware of every inch of him against me, his fingers toying with the delicate lace, pushing boundaries I hadn't even imagined crossing tonight. My heart pounded in my chest, my mind spinning, trying to make sense of the sudden intensity of it all.

Lewis's voice cut through the haze, snapping me back to the present. "Hey, Y/N, remind me….. how's your Spanish these days? I could barely say 'hello' when I met Franco."

I forced myself to look at Lewis, blinking away the heat that had flooded my cheeks.

"Oh, uh... it's... it's okay," I stammered, my voice wavering just slightly. "I've... picked up a few things."

Franco's fingers pressed gently against my skin, just enough to send a wave of warmth flooding through me. He started tugging it down slowly, and I shifted in my seat, unsure of what was happening. As I lifted my hips slightly to help him .

I struggled to keep my voice steady, to hide the blush spreading across my cheeks as I met Lewis's gaze, feeling my face grow hotter with every second. My hand slipped from Lewis’s, my fingers tingling as I freed myself from his gentle grasp.

Lewis raised an eyebrow, clearly oblivious to my inner turmoil. "I should get you to teach me sometime," he said with a grin. "Maybe then I won't butcher it every time I try to say something to Franco."

"Yeah... maybe," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. I tried to muster a casual smile, hoping it would be enough to mask the way my stomach was doing backflips, every nerve ending focused on Franco's hand, his fingers tugging at my panties, his intentions clear.

Lewis looks down at his phone as my heart races. I feel the delicate fabric slide down my legs. I shift in my seat, lifting my hips slightly to assist him. The cool air hitting my bare skin makes me shiver with anticipation.

I noticed Franco discreetly tucking my thong into his pocket, and my eyes widened slightly. The realization that he had taken such a personal item sent a thrill through me, and I found myself even more drawn to him. I knew I should feel guilty, but all I could think about was how much I wanted Franco to touch me again.

Franco leaned back slightly, his face calm and composed, but his eyes held that same teasing glint, the faintest of smirks tugging at his lips. He didn't look at me, but he didn't need to. The unspoken tension between us was enough, a silent promise hanging in the air, leaving me breathless and wanting.

The conversation continued around me, but I could barely focus, my mind swirling with the forbidden thrill of Franco's touch and the tangled emotions it stirred within me.

—————————————————

Okay! That was kinda ridiculous, but I just wanted to write it 🙈🙈🙈

I know I’m lowkey edging you guys but … relax I’ll put some smut in here hehe.

I was originally aiming for this series to have more fluff I think? Maybe mixture of lowkey smut and fluff idk…

Idk yet though… I can’t decide 😭.

Lmk in the comments 😇

[multidimensionalguidance]

SR Chart in-depth Analysis Part 2 🔒

Here’s the continuation and final part of my SR chart analysis and predictions, which has been very fun because its the few moments where I can see myself from a different perspective, and just focus on the information I can decode without any room for judgment.

Taurus 8th house: my sense of security will depend a lot on how much I can rely on indulging in delicacies within my own hidden safe space. Finances are merged or shared within close relationships. Partners resources become my own. Inflexible or hard-headed when it comes to the type of comfort or luxury I expect to enjoy. A big focus in other people’s resources becoming my own somehow. The ruler of this house sits in the 12H, which means that the money I receive or try to keep hidden will be used towards spirituality, foreign settlement, expenditure, bed pleasures, self care, health, work clothes, skincare, and extravagant procedures to enhance my natural beauty, which could be to an almost detrimental or excessive level since Venus is debilitated.

Gemini 9th house: communications in general will be towards philosophy, higher knowledge, luck, feeling blessed, traveling, foreigners, teachers, spiritual guides, etc. It is also likely I will be speaking a foreign language quite often. Lots of short distance traveling to foreigners places. These conversations and type of mindset will influence my finances, bet it due to new perspectives or simply luck allowing me monetize those newly acquired learnings and skills. That would particularly be due to 9H ruler sitting in the 2nd house. I’ve read before that Mercury in the 2nd denotes above average intelligence, so perhaps that will also influence on how I’ll be able to increase my resources.

Cancer 10th house: this year people will perceive me as very nurturing, mother-like, soft, intuitive, and like wife material (particularly bc that asteroid Bried is conj the MC). It is likely that I will be receiving lots of attention because that’s what luminaries do, they put a spotlight, which is career/public image for me. My work environment could be spent in a space that IS or feels like home. There could be discomfort from having matters that are private exposed to the public, so I might have to deal with some of that as well. The ruler of this house sits in the 5H, so I might be doing creative work online, related to children, with romantic partner, in a fun way.

Leo 11th house: my social circle will be full of creatives (artists, leaders, performers, teachers, government workers etc), royal-like people or individuals with a certain amount of influence. My goals, social media image, and gains/income will be focused towards notoriety, fame, child-like joy, romance, appearance, etc. On top of that, the ruler of the house sits in the 2H, so those gains/goals/social media image will also influenced my resources and finances.

Virgo 12th house: with Venus sitting there and it being the debilitation, I’m led to thinking that the possible negative significations of this placement will be experienced in isolation, during my daily night routine or in foreign places. The difficulty with Venus in Virgo is how overly critical and judgy it is towards itself and others. There is a difficulty with fully enjoying the experience of love and beauty because you’re too busy thinking of how things can be better or improved. Now, on the other hand, no one does acts of service and has a deeper awareness of health and beauty than this sign. They give and give happily to those they commit to or love in general. I will probably be enjoying a bit of those sides during this year.

Thank you for reading this far! I’m excited to check this during December and doing a sort of checklist of what I predicted accurately + everything else that will definitely happen without my awareness.

[ask-nurse-curly]

Hello there. Sorry it's been a bit, have had a bit of... well, I suppose it's probably some kind of mental health crisis, or something. Apparently, having a few consecutive panic attacks and then isolating yourself in your room for two days is... uh. Bad. Daisuke climbed through the vents into my room because he was that worried I'd... hurt myself, or worse. Can't exactly blame him, considering the uh, last loop ended with me walking out of the airlock, so. Y'know. Reasonable reaction, I suppose, even if it did scare the fuck out of me to see him pop out of the floor vent like the world's biggest gopher.

As far as answering your questions go: we are currently about 4 months out from our destination on this loop. (here's fucking hoping we actually get there this time, yeah?) no idea on if it'll end the loop, but I am... cautiously hopeful about it. Jimmy is in the pod because I ah. I hit him over the head with a spanner. So he wouldn't try to crash the ship this time around. The ship... does... technically still need two pilots, but I am. Managing. Currently teaching Daisuke the basics, which does help at least. I have been sleeping even less than normal, though, to try to keep on top of things, which... may have contributed to the uh. mental health thing. It's fine. I'm fine.

Thank you, genuinely, for uh. For what you said about the... "betrayal" thing. If... if your version of Jim... if he hurt you the same way, I. I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know what to say except that I'm here for you if you need it.

Hope you're all well, and settling in alright. Cheers,

-Time Loop Curly

Hi,

I’m very glad to hear from you. I’ve been worried.

Which, as a sidenote, does make me wonder — if the time loop resets, will it also reset for us? Has it already? Did I forget?

…Anyway. It’s very concerning to hear about your health. You— you can’t be running yourself into the ground, I’m sure your crew has told you as much. I know how it feels, believe me. I know. And it’s an uphill battle every hour of the day, but I know they are there for you. A captain is responsible for his crew, but a crew is there to support the captain, yeah? It works both ways. Please let them help.

And if I — somehow, I don’t know how — can help too, please let me know. I mean it.

Jim…he has, yeah. Most of it was uh, my own initiative though. So um. No need to get into it, or worry about it, yeah? I did what I had to. And it doesn’t matter now. Anya and I are home. That’s all I can afford to think about.

I hope these four months go well for you. I hope, if possible, to hear from you before that, just so that I know that everything is alright. I’d like to be in contact more often too, of course, but if you are too busy with…all of this…I completely understand.

Stay strong, and stay safe. I’m here if you need me.

—Curly

[askanautistic]

I’m an autistic female, and I’ve been struggling recently with my parents and other people in my life.

When I become interested in something, I want to tell everyone about it, but more likely than not, my parents and the other people in my life tend to ignore me or brush me off, even when I’m in the middle of speaking. It’s just so frustrating when i try to tell them something but they don’t even pretend to listen.

I know I can be annoying, as many people have told me so, and I try to dial it back, but I just get the feeling that no one in my life likes me. I’m always the subject of ridicule and I tend not to understand the jokes that everyone in the friend group makes, and it makes me feel left out and confused.

I guess I’m the type of person that knows a lot of black and white facts, but I don’t know the abstract. I don’t have real-life awareness that other people have and it makes me feel left out and isolated from my peers, and I desperately crave connections with other people; I just don’t know how to form these connections.

how do I reach out to these people and let them know how I feel, and possible remedy the situation with the people I love, and that I’m close to?

INFODUMPING

Communicate to find understanding and compromise

I prefer to communicate in writing. For things that are important or awkward, I find this often gives me a chance to explain myself more clearly and fully, so there's less room for misunderstandings.

It might be best to initially reach out to people who are closest to you, and who you feel should care about you enough to care that you are upset by being ignored and cut off.

Explain that when you are interested in something, you get excited and want to share that, and whilst you understand that other people might not be as interested, it is hurtful and embarrassing to be ignored or cut off mid-sentence.

Understandably it can be boring to listen to people talk about things we're not interested in, and sometimes it's harder to show any interest (even for the sake of a loved one - sometimes people are busy or tired, or some ND people in particular are less able to tolerate being bored), but kinder communication and being understanding of the fact that someone needs to feel respected might make communication less hurtful. If you have ideas for things that might work, suggest them.

These might include discussions about or scripts for: - Asking whether you can tell them about an interest before you start infodumping (and them being kind in their response even if it's to say that they don't want to listen right now). - You or them specifying or checking what an infodump will entail - time limits, a specific number of facts, or a more narrow aspect of an interest (like infodumping about a specific article you've read, or a specific episode of a TV show). - Kind ways to let you know that they don't want to or don't feel able to listen to you infodumping. Or even more subtle codewords/code phrases/signals that can be used to prevent you from being embarrassed in front of other people.

Find other ways to infodump

It might be that you're excited/enthusiastic in the moment, or something discussed is relevant to an interest, in which case it might be hard to hold back. But sometimes you might want to share something with someone, and you could do so in a way that's less immediate (like messaging them, instead).

Sometimes I prefer to use blogging to infodump. I might not have followers who engage very much, so I might not know, or might even feel pretty confident that no one is going to read it. But infodumping into the void can ease the need to talk about something I'm into. Sometimes I even save things in drafts and never end up publishing them, and just being able to type out all my thoughts, or even describe something, helps me to process it, and is cathartic.

Find other people to infodump to

There might be people who are interested in the same thing, either an active interest or just being intrigued when you mention it. Some people are also just very supportive and like to listen to people infodump because they know it makes the person happy to talk about their interest!

You could ask family, friends or acquaintances if they are interested in it, or would be happy to hear about it, or post on social media to ask if anyone you are friends with online/who follows you is interested in the same thing or would be happy to let you infodump at them.

You could join online groups for infodumping at each other. Or groups specifically about the thing you're interested in, where people are more likely to be interested in what you have to say/your posts and comments about your interest would 'fit in' even if people aren't necessarily engaging with them.

FEELING LEFT OUT

Communicate

Trying to explain that someone's behaviour is hurtful can be tricky, because people often get defensive. So you might need to be confident that your friends are the kind of people who are ready to listen and be empathetic, rather than get defensive and feel like they're being suddenly accused if you want to message them regardless of whether anything has happened recently. Or you might want to wait until the next time something happens so that you can use that as a leaping point/example of something that makes you feel less a part of things or a figure of fun.

Think about whether you want to message as a group or message people individually, and whether you want to message everyone, or just people you feel more confident will be supportive and understanding.

Let people know that you often feel left out and isolated, and what things contribute towards that. You could let them know that you feel like you don't always understand what's going on or that you feel hurt or embarrassed when they laugh at you or poke fun at you. If you think they are genuinely joking and mean no harm, you could make it clear that you know that they aren't trying to hurt you. If the issue is more that it's a collective thing, also make that clear, so that no one feels singled out. Sometimes people 'banter' with friends, and genuinely mean no harm in it, but if it's hurting you then real friends should want to stop to avoid that.

FOR BOTH

Call it out as and when it happens

This takes courage and can be difficult, but sometimes it really does help to stick up for yourself. If people are taking advantage of the fact you usually let them get away with it, starting to stand up for yourself might immediately make them behave better, or might at least make them more aware of just how often they do things to you that they'd probably consider rude if someone else did it to them. You could always try to prepare some scripts for specific situations. If friends laugh at you: 'Hey, guys, I know that you're not trying to be mean, but it makes me feel silly and kind of hurt when you all laugh at me.' If someone interrupts you: 'I was actually right in the middle of a sentence just then. Can I finish what I was saying?'

Copy them!

Sometimes it helps to show people how their behaviour affects you by doing the same thing to them. People who don't experience being ignored or interrupted or cut off, or who finds it easy to re-assert themselves in situations where they are interrupted by something, might genuinely not realise how hurtful or embarrassing their behaviour can be.

This is probably a last resort kind of thing because it can come across as quite passive aggressive if they don't recognise that it's something they do themselves (if they call you out and you have to say, 'Well you do it to me all the time!' it might seem petty and argumentative rather than a genuine attempt at garnering understanding).

It can also be difficult if it's not in your nature to behave in that way, or it's hard to find the right moments, or if other people just don't create the same opportunities for you to demonstrate their behaviour to them. If your friends always get the jokes, you'll never have an opportunity to poke fun at them, for example. And, because it's not natural, it can also end up being or coming across as more cruel than the original behaviour. (There are people who I know that are very charismatic and come across as cheeky and can be quite mean to people and everyone accepts it as a joke, whereas if I said the exact same thing people would interpret it completely differently because my personality is too different to get away with it.)

Find an ally/casual advocate

If you have someone supportive you can confide in, perhaps talk to them about this first and ask if they could intervene when they notice these things happening.

When people cut you off mid-sentence, they might call it out for you, or they might just bring things back to you ('What were you saying about [topic]?'). They can also call out people poking fun at you, ask how you feel about it to help you make it known that it makes you feel bad, or try to get people to understand things from your perspective. 'It's kind of mean when we're always laughing at [name]. We all laugh at each other from time to time, but they seem to get it a lot more often and if it was me I'd start to feel a bit upset.' 'Do you mind people laughing at the fact you don't always get jokes, or does it make you feel a bit left out and embarrassed?'

You can also ask if they can explain jokes or references to you when you don't understand them, to avoid always feeling on the outside or being teased.

They can also model good friendship and communication in front of the others, by showing interest in your interests or modelling polite ways to say that they aren't really up for an infodump. If you are openly autistic, they could ask questions or explain things to make others aware that they need to be more considerate of the things you might struggle with.

Look for new people/your people

The people already in your life might be loved ones and friends, but you might also need to find some new people who have a better understanding of how your brain works and share more of your experiences and needs. Being surrounded by people who don't get us or appreciate us or include us in the same way they include each other/we don't connect as quickly or as completely with as many people as our peers often do, can be exhausting and can damage our self-esteem. You don't necessarily have to get rid of old friends or abandon groups you don't feel you fit into as well as the other members, but it can help to have spaces (online or in real life) where you can see that other people share in these experiences because it's just a case of being different - we're not the problem, we aren't less worthwhile, we're just different.

IF PEOPLE DON'T CARE/TRY TO CHANGE

You are not alone in your experiences, and you are not wrong or inferior for having those experiences (even if if sometimes feels it because the majority of the people around us don't have or understand brains like ours).

People who care about you should want to avoid hurting you, and should want you to feel included and valued, even if that means having to accept that their behaviour in the past was (unintentionally) harmful.

People don't have to want to listen to you infodump, but if they know how important it is to you and how much the way they treat you when you do it is hurtful to you and damaging your self-esteem, they should want to find some compromise to avoid that harm (even if they still cannot tolerate listening to you infodump about something they have no interest in, or are aversive to for some reason).

So if people don't try to be more thoughtful and kind towards you, you might want to think about getting new friends.

Tip jar.

[fandom-space-princess]

An Audacious Undertaking, Even to God

Fandom: The Murderbot Diaries

Rating: Gen

Relationships: SecUnit 1 & SecUnit 2 & SecUnit 3

Additional tags: Book 5: Network Effect, Book 7: System Collapse, Canonical Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Queerplatonic Relationships, 1 & 2 do still die but not for very long, 3 needs its friends back :( , studies in construct relations

Chapter: 3/?

Read chapter below, or on AO3.

——————————

In the CR-standard hour it has taken Perihelion to return to the space dock, the clients have been brought out of the shuttle and relocated into quarantine. The transport’s humans have returned to their personal quarters, which are at present disconnected from the ship feed and insulated from its passive and active scanning functions. My own clients are in a room which appears to serve as a temporary dormitory on a recurring basis, and which is similarly isolated from connectivity.

I am not able to contribute meaningfully to this effort. Humans often seem to move slowly in comparison to the speed with which I process my surroundings, but at the moment, my performance is still suffering. Arada and Ratthi each individually advised that I remain as far from the explorer’s retrieved crew as possible.

(Ratthi: “If they ask, it’ll be easier to convince them we don’t know what happened to you if you haven’t been helping us move them bodily around the ship.”

Arada: “We can hope. You think they’ll remember who rescued them?”

Amena: “They might not. Eletra’s memory is still pretty messed up. We can play it off like one of us pulled them out, maybe, if it comes up? Say we went over ourselves, had to bring their shuttle back with us.”

Arada: “Believability concerns aside, encouraging someone to question their own mind is deeply unethical.”

Ratthi: “We can’t just let them take it back, either.”)

The gurney carrying 001’s body has vanished deeper into the ship. I do not know where it has gone, or what has been done with it. The thought of asking inspires contradictory sensations deep within my organic components. I want to ask. I do not, perhaps, want to know.

And so I do not ask.

I have new responsibilities to focus on, and this eases the feeling somewhat. We have come back to the space dock to complete the recovery of Perihelion’s crew. The tenor of its interactions both in the public feed and with myself privately has become perceptibly different since we arrived. It is still very angry. But that anger is now pointed in a direction that does not appear to include me, and when it does speak to me it is with an air of calculated consideration.

We have a plan for the retrieval of Murderbot 1.0—this is incorrect. We have a plan for the retrieval of the being which its clients (and Perihelion, when speaking aloud) refer to as “SecUnit.” I only partially understand why they do this. The memories shared with me by 2.0 included the practice, but did not explain its source; I know only that it prefers this state of affairs to the actionable alternatives. This explains the indirect phrasing of Amena’s initial query regarding my own name.

(“Three” does and does not feel like a name that might belong to me. When I attempt to imagine what I might like to be called that is more appropriate, however, my internal processes return a pointer variable. I already know what files I will find stored at that location, so I have been trying not to think about it.)

Our other retrieval mission is also set to commence shortly. After Perihelion revealed that it had refitted its pathfinders with explosive ordnance, Ratthi expressed a desire to inspect the one he is to escort planetside. As he has no specific training in such matters, he is consulting over the comm with one of Perihelion’s humans (feedID(“Tarik”), gender(male/masc)) from his position onboard the currently-ascending drop box. Arada is preparing the other shuttle. Neither of them have requested my help with these processes.

As of 3.77 minutes ago, Amena has cycled back through the transport’s main airlock and re-entered the space dock. According to our earlier conversation with the crew, those who are returning to the ship are in need of medical care, and so Amena has accompanied a drone gurney across to the drop box foyer with emergency supplies in the event they are deemed necessary. She stated that my presence would be welcome, should I care to accompany her.

It was not a command, and also not a question. I am no longer required to respond to either commands or questions. But in the absence of compulsion and protocol I find I have little guidance for what constitutes an acceptable response to many of the things that have been said to me. After the not-command-and-not-question, there passed a prolonged delay during which Amena stood patiently, looking past my left shoulder. My buffer eventually produced, “I’m sorry, I don’t have that information.” She shrugged one shoulder, smiled, nodded, and continued on to the airlock.

And now I am standing outside the main shuttle dock, staring at the wall. I do not have time to assist Amena before we depart for the planet. I tell myself this, once.

But…

No. It would compromise my ability to participate in this retrieval.

But.

The transport is watching me, silently, in the feed. Then it says: I can ask her to get it for you. She would agree without reservation.

I have already proven myself unable to perform my function once. The probability of repeating this outcome feels unacceptably high, given my current goals.

I send: Query: you examined it?

Perihelion: I reviewed SecUnit’s findings and performed my own additional scans, yes.

My first failure nearly cost me personal functionality, which I am willing to risk, and file integrity, which I am not. Do you believe it is serviceable?

Perihelion: Doubtful, but I would require more data to be certain.

I no longer know what responsibilities I owe to this situation, or… to them. 001’s body is somewhere nearby, damaged more comprehensively that I have ever seen. And 002’s body is on the other side of these walls, via a door which I am currently choosing not to pass through. When I had no ability to decide where I went or why, they were always nearby. Now that I have the power to make such a choice, I cannot go to them, because—at least for the moment—they exist only in me.

If I do not bring 002’s platform aboard, what will happen to it? Will the transport’s crew salvage it? Will the hostile humans take it?

If it is within mission bounds… please. And… I hesitate. This is difficult to ask. Resource allocation request: local mirror personal storage.

Perihelion’s presence withdraws almost entirely. For a moment I wonder if I have caused offense, but then it returns. It has granted me administrative access to a small partition of its onboard memory. The allocated space is a fraction of a sliver of its resources, but it is enough—more than enough. It has given me a place to copy my files.

The duplication process runs, and I examine the backups for imperfections or data loss. Perihelion watches me work. When they are in place a heaviness lifts from my organic components. The muscles in my chest and back loosen. I tell it: Thank you.

If 002’s platform is brought aboard, I do not know if it will be repairable. I do not know if I will be able to restore it. When I consider this my performance reliability begins to drop, and so I am trying not to consider it. I need to maintain optimal functionality for the task ahead of me.

2.0 sent me here to help. I do not believe it anticipated that I would do so in exactly this way, but I do not think it would be disappointed. Its desire for the secure retrieval of its original iteration and platform is obvious. And it offered me governance of myself when it had no need to do so—when it might in fact have been less of a risk not to do so. I am not unaware of the fact that it could have chosen to hack me. It did not. What it offered instead has amounted to an overture of trust, of friendship.

I see no reason the gesture should not be reciprocal.

I may not be able to restore 001 and 002, and this thought causes me more pain than any other. But I still have my function. For these humans who offer their kindness so freely, for the unknowable and terrifying transport, for 2.0—I will try to save what can still be saved.

——————————

[Before]

SecUnit-003: Alert, priority designation: URGENT. System acknowledge.

SecSystem: …

SecUnit-003: Shipwide alert. Priority designation: URGENT. System acknowledge.

SecSystem: …

I don’t think it can hear me.

SecUnit-003: Request command belay. Request command reissue. System acknowledge.

SecSystem: …

The bot pilot has been deleted. HubSystem is unresponsive. I do not know who or what is piloting the ship. My messages are pinging… something. I am receiving an echo from the remnants of SecSystem, but it is as though I am shouting into a cavern, hoping to receive a response from my own voice.

And I cannot move.

SecUnit-003: Initiate buffer purge.

SecUnit-003: Request command reissue.

SecUnit-003: Request command belay.

SecUnit-003: System acknowledge.

Nothing.

Some portion of the bridge crew remains alive in the lounge behind me—my continued compliance with my governance protocols is proof of this. What state they may be in is currently unknown. I was not able to aid in their defense. Before I even reached the bridge, SecSystem had been remotely instructed to cycle its command codes, and I was ordered into stand-down mode. From my position in the hallway, I watched the hostile boarding party overtake the bridge in coordination with the tactical team. As 001 had reported, they appeared compromised, operating under a compulsion that I could neither interpret nor offer assistance with.

The intruders spent several minutes out of my line of sight. SecSystem’s access to the bridge cameras was cut off. There was an exchange of energy weapons fire, then silence. When next one of the compromised tactical team emerged into the hallway, it was to order me to follow them back to the bridge and collect the bodies of the crew. They had been rendered physically immobile via mechanisms crudely spliced into their musculature, and two of them had sustained burns and contusions, but they were otherwise unharmed. I was instructed to deposit them in the lounge nearby, and then return to standby mode.

In the interim the situation has further deteriorated. At one point contact with a network-external ship was made. This resulted in some number of the hostiles departing the explorer, but they have been replaced by humans who are now in a situation identical to that of my own clients. I have tracked our movements through this system to the best of my ability, but with a hostile control system in place and SecSystem all but stripped of functionality, my inputs have shrunk to only my physical sensor arrays. The feeling is claustrophobic.

Eventually, I cease my attempts to ping SecSystem. More than a day has passed since the initial incursion, and I have disabled my olfactory sensors entirely. Between the unnatural cloying organic scent given off by the intruders and the onset of decay of the still-unattended corpses, the ship smells unpleasantly of death. There is no indication that either the remaining crew or the hostiles are likely to organize themselves well enough to find a use for me anytime soon. I cannot raise any of the supply team on broad-range comms. I have attempted many times to reinitialize 001, to contact 002, each time without success. I can do nothing but wait, and so I do.

But then—

It is unremarkable, at first. A maintenance program within SecSystem claims a fragment of its processing space, and it vanishes from my view. Ordinarily this would be so routine as to be unworthy of notice, but nothing about these circumstances is ordinary. I watch intently in the ship feed. Tiny eddies disturb what has been, until now, placid code. The hostileControlSystem that has installed itself in the ship could be responsible, but thus far it has not been successful in making use of what remains of SecSystem, and nothing it has otherwise done has been subtle.

Then, out of nowhere: System System: Unit Acknowledge.

And the reconfiguration of my existence begins.

——————————

[littlegreenwyvy]

If you do not wear a facemask indoors

then go fuck yourself, cuz this is your fault 💚

This goes for my friends too btw sorry 💚

Actually tbh not all that sorry

I'm getting to the point where I'm willing to lose friends over whether or not you voluntarily protect your community in ways that will tangibly and directly help to prevent a fatal effect on people like me. Frankly if you're friends with me and you don't do this then please don't be friends with me, because like you're basically making yourself a danger for me to be around anyway. If I have to worry about how many people YOU'VE been in contact with IN ADDITION to how many people I'm in contact with myself, and all the people THEY'RE in contact with, and the likelihood that any of us or them have been in contact with someone who may or may not have had or been exposed to someone who had covid... I'm just gonna not bother. We will never meet, ever. And that's what my life has been like. I haven't seen my friends. I've barely seen some of my own family members who I LIVE with, because of how often we have to isolate IN OUR OWN HOMES from each other after a possible exposure. Remember isolating? It's that thing you do when either you're sick OR YOU DON'T KNOW YET IF YOU'VE CAUGHT THE SICK FROM SOMEONE.

Btw since nobody can afford to regularly test anymore (not that people stay home anyway even when they are sick), any stranger with a cough or sniffle you're 'in contact' (i.e. in the same room/vehicle/space) with is essentially a possible covid contact (and that's not even taking into account how many people go around with NO acute symptoms at all, or just really bizarre, seemingly unrelated ones, or who mistake then for migraines or allergies or something else).

But to get back on track, I don't really wanna be friends with you if after 4 years of all this, knowing everything we know now, after all that the world has been through, you STILL don't bother to take ANY precautions.

If you don't wear a mask nowadays, why not?

Do you just not care? I wish I had that luxury.

Do you think 'why bother'? It's because we're super fucked if nobody does, so start with yourself.

Are you just content with the risk of infecting someone else? Fuck you if so.

Do you think infections are GOOD? You couldn't be more wrong.

Do you think it's not 'bad enough' to warrant taking a PREVENTATIVE MEASURE? It's called PREVENTATIVE for a reason.

Do you genuinely just not know how prevalent and SERIOUSLY BAD covid still is?? Learn how to listen to disabled people.

Whatever the reason, I'M not content with the risk. I don't know your situation, friend who is reading this, but the risk is significantly higher for ME than it is for 'healthy' people! And I'm sick of the entire world deciding FOR me what the 'comfort level' with covid should be, based on the people who are statistically less likely to die from it. (The objectively correct answer is still SUPER SERIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE by the way. You're straight up, plain old wrong if you think otherwise, by the way. Covid is ALWAYS a risk, no matter how 'healthy' or 'low risk' you are.)

So in short my friends, even if you're not going to interact with me specifically, if you're also not implicitly and automatically trying to protect the people who ARE around you with some high-covid-risk factor, then that's just kinda fucked up in my opinion.

You're contagious for several days before AND after your symptoms start and end. You're contagious even if you have NO symptoms. Just wear the mask...! It won't kill you to wear one, but it very well may kill someone you know, if you don't.

[timeoverload]

I don't understand why you are so afraid of me. I don't think I am very scary. I try to be welcoming but maybe I'm not doing a very good job. I know I have hurt your feelings in the past and I think that was due to my lack of understanding. I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm sorry for that and I never want to hurt you again. I would take good care of you and I know that I can be an amazing partner. I am very loyal. I don't know why you can't just give me a chance.

I am not trying to be impatient with you or be pushy. I know you are having a hard time right now. I know it's not easy to step out of your comfort zone.

I have to do that every time I come to see you. Of course I love seeing you and coming to the shop. I just get so nervous every time that I feel sick and forget how to act normal. I have literally had panic attacks in the car because my social anxiety is so bad. I think it was the worst when I tried to come to see you on walk-in days because I didn't know what was going to happen and it was very stressful for me.

I don't leave my house to see anyone else but you and my family. I don't hang out with friends outside of work or anything like that anymore. I don't have any extensive conversations with anybody and my phone rarely goes off unless someone is calling me trying to get my money. I think I have gone out with friends by myself less than 5 times in the past 10+ years because I wasn't allowed to go out alone for such a long time. I became so isolated when I moved to Florida and I had no friends down there and it only got worse when I moved back to Nebraska. I also wasn't allowed to have friends over either and I tried a couple times but it didn't end well. I think I became used to the feeling of isolation unfortunately. I have always had trouble socializing since I was a kid so that definitely doesn't help. I'm not sure if I can fix that because I have been trying my entire life. I am just weird I guess.

I don't think I have gone out to do anything since I moved back home. I haven't gone to any concerts. I can't remember the last time I went out to eat at a restaurant or to a bar. I don't go outside unless I'm driving somewhere or walking from the parking lot to and from work. I have to have a blood test on Friday and I think my vitamin D levels are very low because I rarely see the sun anymore unless I'm looking through the window. The world scares me more now because I've had a lot of bad experiences.

I don't know if you have the same problems with social anxiety or not but I totally understand if you do. It's not easy to deal with.

I want you to know that I'm not going to stop you from doing the things you enjoy or living your life. You are free to do the things that make you happy. All I ask is that you spend time with me when you can. I wouldn't force you to spend all of your time with me. I understand the need for quiet time. I'm not controlling. I would like to make your life easier and I don't want to stress you out.

If you have a problem with something I'm doing, you can just tell me. I'm not going to get mad about anything unless you yell at me or something. I would hope you wouldn't do that though. I know you are very caring and you have been gentle towards me in person. I avoid confrontation as much as possible because I don't like fighting.

I think it's kind of funny how we both sit in our rooms alone all the time. I don't understand why we can't sit together in OUR room. I think it would be more enjoyable than having to stalk each other on the internet. It isn't good for either of us. I also want you to know that I believe in you and I love you.

Anyway, it has been a long day. I don't want to stay up too late since I woke up too early because I couldn't stop coughing. Sometimes my acid reflux causes me to have coughing fits in the middle of the night. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it's annoying when it does. If I go to the doctor, they will probably just put me on a PPI again and last time it hurt me more than it helped me. I got put on omeprazole for gastritis about 6 months before I got my kidney infection that caused sepsis. I read a study recently about how proton pump inhibitors can increase the risk of infections and suppress the immune system. They can also increase the amount of E. Coli bacteria in the body which is the strain of bacteria that caused my infection. I am going to stay far away from that stuff.

Work wasn't very exciting. I wasn't that busy and my cases should have been done at 3 but they added another one for 5 so I had to do other things for 2 hours while I waited. I only had to stay 30 minutes late. I suppose I shouldn't complain because I got off at 4 yesterday. I don't have any cases in the morning tomorrow. Thursday might be busy unless the weather gets bad again. I am planning on getting groceries tomorrow after work just in case.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm just rambling now. I don't really want to make food because I ate a lot earlier. I have some blueberry muffins I need to eat before they go bad so I will probably have those and some other snacks. I will probably get ready for bed after that because I'm already having trouble keeping my eyes open. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow too!!! 💖💖💖

[the-shiny-eeveelution]

Creature of Soul Matter: The Emotion in Heart

Chapter 7: New Hope

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Creature of Soul Matter: The Emotion in Heart AO3

I watch as Hyness goes through shelf after shelf, taking out all the books and floating them past his head. I let my gaze drift away as Kirby starts clamoring up my head.

He slowly makes his way up, pulling and grunting. He makes his way to the top of my head them slides down my snout and looks me in the eye.

"You're fur's soft..." He dreamly tells me.

"You worked your way all the way to here… to tell me that I'm soft?" I ask, letting a light chuckle out.

"Yeaaaahhh…" he absent mindedly confirms, petting me.

He climbs back to the top of my head and lays down, slowly falling back to sleep.

Once he fully drifts off, I pluck him off and put him back on my collar fur so I can look back down to the group.

Dedede and Meta Knight are quietly chatting with each other, and I hear something about Waddle Dees.

The warm light above makes everything feel cozy I suppose, as Bandee has also passed out.

Elfilin's flying around the room, admiring the crystalline patterns.

I finally look at the three girls. They're whispering amongst themselves, isolated from everyone.

Suddenly the red one speaks up a bit, seemingly a bit excited. "Do you realize what this means!?" She quietly yells. Noticing she raised her voice they all stop and look around the room, likely checking to see if they have garnered unwanted attention. Zan spots me looking at them. She sighs and taps the other two on the shoulders, waving them to follow her.

"I do suppose I must introduce my fellow Sisters." Zan says. "This one is Flamberge." She gestures to the red one.

"You can call me Flam." Flamberge adds.

"Yes…" Zan moves onto the blue one, "and this one is Francisca."

"But you can can her Fran." Flam says, leaning against Francisca's shoulder.

Zan nods, looking at them, then turns back to me, "If I may ask, Elfilis, what were your fellow heroes like?"

"Heroes?" I ask as I pick Kirby off of me and put him next to the sleeping Bandee. "Where did this title come from? We were public enemies last I remember."

Zan puts her hand below her face, "I suppose some undesirable circumstances befell you…"

Flam lightly, and seemingly playfully, smacks her on the back of the head, "Oh come on! Quite the fancy talk, let's just speak like normal people."

"Okay, fine." Zan begrudgingly says, glaring at Flam while fixing her hat. "As I was saying, what were your friends like?" She asks again.

I let my mind try to drift towards the memories of my friends. "Well… there was Galacta, Plaige and Gartihall." I relish in the foggy memories, "I may as well talk about Galacta… he was the smallest amongst us, but was the best fighter despite that. But he also cared, he cared a lot, he didn't want us to do anything that would get ourselves hurt and always went on emotional tangent when we did. He sometimes would try to take revenge for us if someone else were to hurt one of us, despite being quite empathetic… He also would know how to help us out of any hole we managed to crawl our way into, often lifting the spirit of a room with a light hearted joke just at the right time."

"So he was always there for you?" Zan quietly relays to herself.

"Yeah… if he were in the position I'm in now, nothing would be able to stop him. He would likely be willing to tear planets to their core and sacrifice his own health to get us all back as swiftly as possible… it would probably feel like a storm for him." I sigh, "I'm glad it's not him in this position right now, I'd rather him not hurting himself... And I'm one to speak; I practically killed myself to try to save them all and failed miserably… I miss them all, they ment the worlds to me."

Zan, Fran and Flam are all looking up at me with saddened eyes.

Fran comes up and pats me on the finger. "I'm eternally sorry for your losses, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose these two." She turns to look back to them, then goes back to them. "We may not know you all too well, but we can still try to help in even the smallest ways."

The instant after she finishes her sentence Hyness calls to everyone again.

Zan looks back to me, "I'm sorry that we cannot continue this conversation. My deepest condolences and wishes of luck go to you and your quest." The other two turn back to me and they all lightly bow and rejoin behind Hyness, who has placed ten books on a table.

Meta Knight has already gathered on the other side with Elfilin, while Dedede is busy waking up Bandee and Kirby.

I pick myself up and take one step towards the table and rest back down.

Dedede comes over to join us with a half awake puffball in either arm.

Hyness takes the top book and places it down. He then addresses down to it, "This is the one with the most direct talk of Galacta Knight, it contains depictions of him when a group attempted to summon him, and the methods they used."

The book then flips to somewhere in the center of the pages. Pictures of Galacta Knight in and out of his crystal are shown with words that I'm unfamiliar with and what looks like warnings all around it. Though the images don't look quite accurate.

"This work is likely the only writing of its kind, and these illustrations are possibly the most accurate one will find throughout the universe, but they are definitive proof of his existence." Hyness explains.

"I'm going to assume they drew these after encountering him, as they still feel a bit off…"

"Quite likely, as it is written that they were attacked by him after re-establishing his place; they were only able to defeat him with overwhelming numbers, but some were lost to the cold reaches of space with this encounter. It is also depicted that after triumphing over him, he rose back up and was resealed, vanishing there by after."

"But, why and how did they summon him?" I question.

I call down to Elfilin, |"Hey, are you able to read these for me?"|

|"No, I'm sorry, I don't know how to read either."|

I guess despite basically the entire universe being able to understand each other, there's text barriers…

"Why, is never quite fully explained within this." Hyness explains, "But it is stated that they utilized the wish capabilities of one of the many great technologies."

"Oh hey yeah those might work!" Kirby cheers, jumping forward a bit.

Dedede grabs onto and pulls Kirby back into his seat. "Yeah, maybe not… Nothing good has come out of them in the past."

Hyness takes five more books out of the pile and has them fly back to their shelves, keeping the one with the drawings on the table.

He takes off the next one and the bottom one, "Raw magic and vortices?"

"Already tried." Meta Knight tells him.

The two books fly out of this hands and to their spots as well, "Understood."

He grabs one and flips through it.

"I see, this one only depicts his power and destructive capabilities."

Flam perks up and comes up behind him. "Yes, yes." He unenthusiasticly says as he hands it to her.

She maniacally chuckles as she brings it back to her spot.

Ha grabs the last book, the smallest one, "I had my fears that we would be forced into this scenario." He flips to the front page and sets it down. "For alas, this is the most vague method described and it seems to have been a failure."

Dedede's eyes dart as he seems to skim through the book, "He's in a pocket dimension?"

Hyness nods, "Precisely, the group is described to have located a particular rift in which they could travel through and attempt to find Galacta Knight. Their ultimate goal is unclear, but the innards of the dimension are exceptionally dangerous, whittling down their numbers to a mere five before fully retreating."

"Well then how do we know that he's in there?" Meta Knight demands.

"It is told that some caught a glimpse of the illusive knight."

"So what makes the place so bad?" Kirby concerns.

Hyness flips to the last pages, "Here, 'loosed magic everywhere with technologies threatening our existence. Creatures only nightmares or dreams could manifest, posing endangerment to our lives and our will to live. Showing of fear would suffocate you; anger would singe your cloth and you, possibly igniting you; pride would burst you. Emotions didn't show in the space around you, the space around were your emotions, and you were punished for having them.'"

Dedede shutters, Meta Knight looks unfazed, Bandee hides behind Kirby, Kirby looks concerned and Elfilin seems deep in thought.

Dedede suddenly starts buzzing. "Oh, I gotta take this. One moment please." He walks out to the halls.

Meta Knight speaks up. "So this is our last option?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You have eliminated all other methods I have found."

"Then I suppose we're all going on another thrilling adventure." Meta grudgingly responds.

"Not all of us." Dedede determines, walking back in. "Some stuff is going on down at Popstar and everybody seems to be having a panic attack."

"Hmm, this certainly expedites things." Meta Knight mutters.

"Ex-pe-dites?" Kirby softly repeats to himself.

"We'll have to go our separate ways." Meta Knight announces. "I will be going with King Dedede back to planet popstar, if you three want to come with us or Elfilis, whom I assume is going to the rift, is up to you."

"I should probably go and check up on everybody." Bandee decides, joining Dedede and Meta Knight.

Kirby looks conflicted, "Somebody has to go with Elfilis." He finally determines.

I look down on Elfilin, he appears even more conflicted then what Kirby was, worry showing on his face.

After a moment Meta Knight speaks up, "If you can't decide, I'll help. You can come with us, we could use your help to get to Popstar quickly and then find anyone missing."

Elfilin looks up at me, I jerk my head to gesture down to the Popstar group.

He looks away again before finally nodding, determination overtaking.

"You guys can take the Warpstar." Kirby tells them. "I probably don't need it."

The group parts their way and exit the room.

I grab Kirby and put him in my head, I prepare to open a portal out of the ship but Hyness stops us.

"Before you two go, I should mention how to find this rift."

I freeze, "Oh, yeah, huh, that'd be nice info."

"Take this compass." He offers, showing a clear ball with a magenta needle in it to us.

I grab Kirby and let him take it.

"If it is stated correctly, one of the members tied this artifact to the rifts location. Though I have never followed It myself." He explains.

I nod, putting Kirby back. Turning around, I open a vortex just outside the ship.

"Good luck." Fran calls below us.

"You'll need it." Zan finishes.

Finally, I step through.

On the outside of the ship, Kirby takes a look at the ball compass, "Uhhhh… that way!" He says, slipping into my snout and pointing behind us.

I fly above the ship to look where he pointed. "Got it."

Kirby climbs back onto my head and I dive into more unfamiliar space.

[malorisaurus]

I want to add to the point “Why is Cinderella's choice to be kind and obedient framed as a good thing, when you are not obligated to be kind to your abuser?”

Cinderella’s mother died when she was very young and her father not too terribly long after. Her step mother and step sisters were the only family she had left in this world, and she did not have many options outside of that for a life that wasn’t also filled with uncertainty and misery. I particularly appreciate this depiction of Lady Tremaine because her emotional abuse toward Cinderella is so subtle and really follows a lot of patterns of narcissistic parents.

Children of narcissistic parents are not often outwardly angry toward their parents—not only is it unsafe to do so, we often become enmeshed with them as a part of the emotional abuse. The child may be given glimpses of hope and affection only for them to be cruelly snatched away. The child is blamed for hurting or causing problems for the parent, convinced of their own badness and cruelty, and you believe it.

And you do get angry! Cinderella does get angry, albeit in a socially polite and acceptable way (which is where this depiction lacks, imo, and is in line with what OP pointed out). I interpret her kindness as not only a means for her to hold onto herself, but to her memory of her parents, and also just a means of survival. As the eldest child with a clinical narcissist for a primary parent, I was often fawning to protect myself and my siblings (for Cinderella this was Bruno and the other animals). I often acted in very kind, meek, and sweet ways because (A.) extremely gendered behaviors often got more favorable responses , and (B.) catering to a calculating person who holds all of the power is often the best way to appeal to their ego and get at least some of what you need out of them.

I don’t think they were doing much explicitly with Cinderella’s behavior to indicate this, but I do think with depicting Lady Tremaine the way they did makes that inference possible. It is the reason Cinderella was one of my favorite movies of all time when I was younger. Like her, I did not mind my isolated and less than ideal room (I was in a basement not an attic) because it was far removed and I could escape. I also was trying to survive, and though I am fully aware now that I do not owe abusers my kindness, it was my most effective tool for survival when that dynamic was the only one I had ever known and I was disempowered from independence.

Also, for the record (because narcissist is so often used to dehumanize people) my experience is with a clinically diagnosed narcissist who had a vested interest in abusing me and my siblings who would not seek any avenue of intervention or improvement. This is in no means meant to be a generalization or an attack on narcissists. The effects on children of untreated narcissists are widely studied, and while it can be a horrible trauma, individuals are individuals. ✌️ Lady Tremaine exhibits some traits that I attribute to narcissistic parents through the lens of my own experience.

After watching Cinderella (the original animated movie, which was my favorite as a child), it strikes me how it solves many common problems people have with this fairy tale. Like:

Why did they try to identify the mystery girl using her shoe size? Because the bullheaded king's only clue to her identity was the shoe the Grand Duke picked up off the steps.

Why didn't the prince recognize her by her face? Because his father wouldn't involve him in the process at all, and wasn't the one going around trying to find her.

Why did the prince want to marry a lady he only met that night? Because his father was going to force him to marry someone, and he genuinely liked this woman.

Why did Cinderella want to marry a man she only met that night? Because marriage was her best and most secure way to freedom. Fucked up, but you can't say it's unrealistic for the setting of a fairy tale. She also genuinely liked him.

If they're using the slipper to find her, wouldn't it be more sensible to search for the person with the other slipper? Yes. The King is purposefully nonsensical and the Duke is purposefully terrified enough of him to carry out his orders to the letter. Furthermore, they end up doing that in the end anyway, because the Duke's glass slipper is shattered, and Cinderella brings out the one she has to prove her identity.

Why didn't the stepmother and stepsisters recognize Cinderella at the ball? Because they were dancing too far away, and then left the party to dance in private, which was possible because the King wanted very badly for his son to hit it off with someone and tried to arrange the best conditions for that to happen.

Why didn't Cinderella save herself? Because in real life, abuse victims should not have to shoulder that responsibility, and usually can't. In real life, you need and deserve an external support system. Asking for help, in this kind of situation, is very important. She is saved by others because she is loved. Because she is not alone. Because she has friends who love her, and want her to be happy and safe and free. Because in real life, people who want to help someone who is suffering are like the mice. We can't pull out miracle solutions, but we can provide companionship and if we're in the right place at the right time, we can help the person find a better life.

Why didn't the fairy godmother save Cinderella from her abusive household, or try to help her sooner? Because she's magic, and magic can't solve your problems. Quote: "Like all dreams, well, I'm afraid it can't last forever." This (and Cinderella's dream of going to the ball) is a metaphor for pleasurable things in bad circumstances. An ice cream won't get rid of your depression, but it will provide you with momentary happiness to bolster you, as well as the reminder that happiness in general is still possible for you. Cinderella doesn't want to go to the ball so she can get away from her stepmother and stepsisters, or so she can meet someone to marry and leave with. She wants to go to the ball to remind herself that she can still have things she wants. That her desires matter. This is important because the movie does a very good job of illustrating Lady Tremaine's subtle abuse tactics, all of which invisibly press the message that Cinderella doesn't matter. While going to the ball and fulfilling her dreams may not be a victory in the material sense, it is still a victory against Lady Tremaine's efforts.

Why is Cinderella's choice to be kind and obedient framed as a good thing, when you are not obligated to be kind to your abuser? This one walks a very fine line, but I think the movie still makes it make sense. Lady Tremaine never acknowledges her cruelty. She always frames her punishments of Cinderella as Cinderella's fault. Cinderella is interrupting, Cinderella is shirking her duties, Cinderella is playing vicious practical jokes. Cinderella is still a member of the family, of course she can go to the ball, provided she meet these impossible conditions. Lady Tremaine's tactics are designed to make Cinderella feel like she must always be in the wrong and her stepmother must always be in the right. If Cinderella calls her stepmother out on her cruelty, or attempts to fight back, Lady Tremaine can frame that as Cinderella being ungrateful, cruel, broken, evil, etc. If Cinderella responds to her stepmother's cruelty defiantly (in the way she's justified to), she's not taking control out of Lady Tremaine's hands. Disobedience can be spun back into her stepmother's control. She wants Cinderella to be angry and sad and show how much she's hurting. So since Cinderella is adapting to her situation, she chooses to be kind. Not only because she naturally wants to be and it's part of her personality, but because it is a form of defiance in its own way, and it allows her to keep a reminder of her agency and value. Her choice to be kind is her chance to keep her own narrative alive: she is not obeying because her stepmother wants her to and she has to do what her stepmother does, but because she wants to. It's a small distinction, but one that makes all the difference in terms of keeping her hope and identity. (Fuck, I wrote a whole paragraph about how this doesn't mean you can't be angry at people who hurt you or that you need to be kind to deserve help, and then deleted it by accident. Uh. Try again.) Expressing anger and pain is an important part of regaining autonomy and healing. Although it is commendable to be kind while you are suffering, it is NOT required for you to get help or be worthy of help. If Cinderella's recovery was explored beyond "happily ever after" she would need to let herself be angry and sad to heal. Cinderella is not only kind because it comes naturally to her, but because it's her defense against the abuse she's suffering. Everyone's story and experiences are different, and one does not invalidate the other.

Bonus round for answers that aren't part of the movie:

Why didn't Cinderella run away? Where would she go? Genuinely, in hundreds-of-years-ago France, where would she go if she snuck out of the window with a change of clothes? With her step-family, she's miserable and abused, but she's fed, clothed, and in no danger of dying or being taken advantage of by anyone other than her stepmother and stepsisters. Even if she escapes and manages to find financial security, her stepmother might be able to find her and get her back.

Why didn't Cinderella burn the house down with them inside it/slit their throats in the night/poison their food/etc.? Because that's a revenge fantasy, and this story is a fantasy about being saved. There's nothing wrong with making Cinderella into a revenge fantasy. That's perfectly fine, as long as you acknowledge that the other type of fantasy is also a valid interpretation. (I mean, the original fairy tale features the stepsisters getting their feet mutilated and all three of them getting their eyes pecked out, so go for it.)

Why isn't Cinderella more proactive in general? Because she's a child who has been abused for the back half of her life, who has had to be focused on survival because. you know. she's an abused kid.

How did she dance in glass slippers? Gotta agree with you there man, that's weird.

[xxdreamscapes]

diary 031625 | 1:38 pm

Self advocacy isn't for the faint of heart.

I've been ostracized, shamed, and shunned out of relationships, friendships, and friend groups for daring to ever bring attention to injustices

When I was younger, I was effortlessly more depressed about these things, but now I view them as growth moments and strengthening the relationship I currently have with myself.

I'll always remember how when I was going through a difficult time in my senior year of high school, someone who was supposed to be my best friend made things infinitely more difficult for me. It was in our advisory/home room period. That day was already so intense. My mom had injured herself recently and we were on the verge of losing income, our living situation, and possibly going hungry for a bit.

My teen mind definitely blew things up a bit more at that time, but I still think my feelings were valid. Anyway, this person was known to always be in some sort of mood, make condescending remarks to all our friends, and have the ultimate monopoly on pain and hardship.

I could never see myself being friends with someone like that now. It reached a breaking point where anything I said or did was wrong or stupid to them. They raised their voice at me in front of everyone in the class when I was only trying to congratulate them for making the school paper. They were always weird about this police academy program they were enrolled in, and I didn't understand it back then. Now, seeing as how they tried to portray themselves as the ultimate social justice warrior, it all makes sense.

As they were yelling at and berating me, I broke into tears which they didn't bat at eye at. It seemed like it satisfied some kind of thirst for cruelty they had. I ran out of the classroom to be found and comforted by teachers. None of the people that were supposed to be my friends even followed me out. They were there. They heard everything and they saw everything. They were complicit.

Only one friend, that I had to ask, followed me out to console me. I'm not typically someone who needs consoling or cries that often. But I just remember that day so vividly. Shortly after I was ousted from the friend group that I brought her into. High school politics and drama is so complex and unnecessary.

It wasn't like I didn't find good friends afterwards, but I did fall into so many terrible situations because of it. I questioned everything. How people could be so cruel, indifferent, or cowardly. I felt like Annie in the CW 90210 reboot. Nobody believed her about anything she was experiencing, which drove her to so many dark places and horrible relationships. I still can't believe she forgave everyone for that in the end. But that's TV, not real life.

Nowadays I'm indifferent to it all, but I always try to reflect on my past experiences. It's less about the bully and more about who I surrounded myself with. I didn't deserve to have people tell me in private that they sided with me, but then publicly placated and cozied up to my abusers. I didn't deserve to be isolated and stand alone in my mistreatment. I deserved better friendships. Even as an insecure teenager, I was conscious about how I treated most people. People play a lot of mind games well into adulthood, but it's easier to drown out, the more you experience things like this.

Do I wish I could take my experiences with certain people back? Sometimes. But otherwise, I wouldn't be me and I wouldn't be able to guide the people I care about through similar situations.

I wish everyone the day and the life they truly deserve.

˚₊‧˗ˏˋ ───────   ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆ ─────── ˎˊ˗‧₊˚.

This was the same screechy girl I mentioned previously. I will never forget how her mom came up to me at one of her shows talking about the poster I made her and how "She's never had a friend like you before!". That should have been the first red flag in a string of red flags. My high school abuser's mom said that exact line to me a couple years before that.

I believe that most people can change, given the right community and opportunities. But not everyone chooses to do better, when they know better. I don't want to hold onto past hurt caused by people I haven't known for years. But anecdotally, I've seen how many people never grow out of that high school mentality. Stay safe xx

Trust yourself and your experiences, but at the same time don't let past trauma dictate your present experiences. Find the balance.

[golisopod-mutual]

Deleted a different post on this topic so I could word it better lmao but chat how do I unlearn the shame I feel in asking for accommodations. My biggest source of meltdowns is work where I often get overwhelmed (short staffed, often working multiple stations alone, have to take orders, take customers' money, make the orders, and hand them out. For both dining room and drive thru) I get too many things that need my attention at once and I start to get frantic trying to do everything as fast as I can and I spiral into a meltdown. The logical solution would be to ask for help from a coworker or ask my manager to excuse me for a minute so I can isolate myself and calm down. To avoid the meltdown y'know. I am aware the best strategy is to avoid the meltdown when possible. But when these situations arise, we're busy. And I don't want to leave my coworkers alone in the middle of a rush. Or my coworkers are in another part of the store meaning I'm the only person working front of house & I'd have to interrupt their work to get them to cover me while I take a breather. I feel like that makes me a burden, or makes me look unreliable. Or I'll be in trouble or something.

So I just don't. Instead I suppress the meltdown as long as possible, until the dam breaks. And after that I continue trying to work during the meltdown - keyword trying. Which is very difficult, very unsuccessful, and makes me feel worse and more overwhelmed in the long run. But this is how I was taught to handle them. As a kid I got in trouble for having a meltdown. And as a teen, when I had a meltdown and needed accommodations like time alone away from overwhelming situations and stimuli, I was denied those accommodations. I was never allowed to leave class. I can't tell you how many times I started out just crying and as I pushed myself to try and power through it just got worse, ending with me crumpled in a ball in the floor rocking and sobbing and hitting myself. And I was expected to pull myself together and continue w class like I was fine. So now I have that mindset of 'power through at all costs until you physically can't anymore, even if it makes the ensuing meltdown worse' ingrained in me and idk how to unlearn it. I feel like a failure or a baby if I don't force myself to push through until I completely break

[tcaseyhart]

Life Update

Ever since I moved, so much of my day-to-day life has inspired new ideas for the book. (By that I mean new problems that I've realized I didn't address very deeply in the book) I won’t get into all the details here, but my partner, Dell, and I have been going through a lot these past few weeks. To be honest, we even had conversations about possibly separating. In the end, things turned out okay, but it’s going to take some time to heal and get back to baseline. We’ve recommitted to the relationship and are focusing on being more open and honest with each other about how we’re feeling.

A lot of our issues stem from past traumas and how they interact with our similar mental health struggles. We’re isolated in a new city with no support system, and Dell is estranged from their family, so they don’t have anyone to call when things get rough. I’m doing my best to support them, but with the two of us cooped up in a small room in a brand-new place, it’s not always easy. On our bad days, we become each other’s stress triggers, which just adds to the tension.

Work is going okay. I finally finished one full week, and it’s made this second week a bit easier. Everything is a muscle, I guess. I’m at a call center again, which is the exact job I was trying to escape when we moved. I don’t hate it, but it’s long, boring, and people are often rude over the phone. I still don’t understand how people representing their own businesses can be as mean as random callers.

The good news is I have an interview at a pet store on Friday! I’m hoping to start learning to groom dogs, which I feel would be a much better fit for me right now. I’d be more active, talking to friendlier people (hopefully), and spending time with animals who don’t judge. Sounds like a dream, right?

With all this going on, I still haven’t finished editing the book. I know it’ll get done eventually, but I’m getting down on myself as usual. Thoughts, prayers, and spells appreciated. 💫

[cowboyjen68]

Hello and happy Lesbian day!

I've just discovered your blog, and I'm so happy i did!

My country is Quite homophobic, so are my relatieves and even many of my peers. Sometimes i feel very lonely, especially considering that i've never met another lesbian in the wild (and i've been around for 20+ years!), not even to mention butches

However, you give me hope and the thought of growing up to be as inspirational (at least in the looks) for younger generations as you are warms my heart. Thank you for sharing your life and being who you are!

Even though being gnc and a lesbian can be hard sometimes, i am really happy with the way i am and i wish everyone felt that way about themselves too

I am glad you found me as well!!

The Western World makes in hard enough to be a lesbian, expecially a visible on, ie butch or gnc or a maculine woman. To exist in places where it is truly dangerous and punishment is doled out by both society and the government is almost beyond my comprehension since I have not experienced that to any degree.

I think often of my friends who exist in other counties like Iran, and how much effort they put into being as unnoticed as possible. I hope for them to someday to have a place where they can thrive and be surrounded by the support and love of other lesbian, bi women and even some family members who reject the teachings of their own culture when it comes to gay people.

Even in my part of the world, I pushed back hard against the idea that I was a lesbian or that my masculinity was permanent, an innate and intregal part of me. I tried to think of being "butch" as a passing phase, a lingering aspect of Tomboyhood that would fade as I matured. I questioned my interests, my actions, my clothing and my connection with other women. Was I broken? Was I supposed to be a boy and something got crossed or messed up? Why could i not just like what girls are supposed to like?

Then I listened to other girls, and women, and realized that many of them were playing a game. Pretending to love what our society said they were supposed to in order to garner the support and rewards that come with conforming. It just so happened that my very phyical presence was not ever going to fit in. It was not as simple as putting on a dress, because THAT made things even more obvious.

Once I learned the word butch and met lesbians of all ages who talked about how great it was to be one, to hear other women say they "look for the butch in the room as a safe person" I started to think of myself as unique but not "not like other girls".

I want to be that beacon in the world to others, expecially other lesbians and butches who don't see us in "the wild". Who otherwise feel isolated, alone and like a fringe element of society because they see no others who can relate to their experiences.

I often write with 14 year old me in mine. What did I need to see?? What truths about being a lesbian would have been benefitial for me to love who I am earlier?

I am doing my best and my promise is to be as honest and open as possible, even when things are hard to hear or not the anwer people want.

I am so glad you love and embrace yourself in a place where you have to be your own cheerleader, for now. I wish for you to find support from others in your life someday and I have every hope that it will happen.

(photo me in a dress, trying to NOT look butch---FAIL. And WHY did I think puffy shoulder were a good idea??) Circa 1984