#so not only am I dealing with exhaustion | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marshmallowprotection · 2 years ago

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Kait, I'm so happy to hear that you're safe! What you've done is incredibly brave, you should be proud of yourself!

I can also imagine that it's incredibly exhausting. Please take all the time you need to rest and recover, and don't apologize for being inactive. You always give us so much support, now it's our turn to support you <33

I'm doing okay, thanks for checking on me, Faye! It still hasn't hit me quite yet that I made a decision that was bold and decisive. It's one of those things where you have to look before you leap if you want anything to get better. I did a lot of things I didn't think I was capable of and in that regard, I can say that I'm proud of myself for being able to feel like a person with my own autonomy. It's going to take a little bit for me to feel like myself again. But I'm sure most people understand that. When you've been put down your entire life, it can make the moment when you step out into the sun without looking behind your shoulder to see if something's chasing you feel overwhelming. The good news is that I'm going to be okay.

In the same vein that I know Saeran and Saeyoung will be okay.

#mod kait #ask #not mm #brighteststar707 #the only tricky part is getting my body to understand that I'm okay #living in fight or flight for such a long time is difficult to put into words for people who haven't been through that #there is more ways to react to fear than just fight or flight but we've shortened it to fight or flight #but for people who have been in traumatic situations their body is almost constantly in a state of fear like that #you can't turn it off because your body is consistently trying to keep you safe #so once you are finally in a place where you don't need to feel it anymore. your body just doesn't know what to do #it's kind of like being a shell shocked or having a bucket of cold water dumped on you all of a sudden #so not only am I dealing with exhaustion #my brain is trying to comprehend all of the choices that I've made #I'm going to be okay and I know that. but it's just going to take a little bit for my body to get to that point #just because you can mentally understand something doesn't mean that the way that your body will react the same way #I'm just babbling on the chance that saying any of that can make people feel better about feeling different kinds of fear #y'all know me. always thinking about this before I think about myself / J

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solitaireships · 5 months ago

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I feel like I should say since there's been a recent uptick in a lot of communities I'm in/see stuff from a lot of white people pretending to be Asian, but you are not welcome here if you are in anyway stealing from Asian cultures for clout or the aesthetics of it

This includes if you're white and you give your self inserts Asian names, I truly do not care if your f/o is from an anime, you should not be using an Asian name under any circumstances. I hate that whenever I see someone using an Asian name online, I feel like I have to start searching their account to see if they're actually Asian or just a white person who likes the aesthetic of it bcs far too many white people will use Asian names here just bcs it sounds cool, with no regard for the actual cultural meaning behind it. Meanwhile actual Asian people will be mocked for their names, or treated like their names are too hard to learn to pronounce, or discriminated against based on their names

Asian cultures are not a fun little costume for people to dress up with. They aren't just a nice aesthetic, they aren't just a thing you can borrow from bcs you think it sounds cool

#my posts #selfship community #anti asian racism #like it's definitely a perpetual problem of white people not seeming to realize asian names are like #a thing that are tied to culture and identity #but it's gotten crazy lately with people pretending to be asian online for clout #just in the past like 3 weeks of things i've seen #we had the white woman pretending to be a japanese woman on comic twitter #the white woman who pretended to be korean to get a 'ownvoices' book published #(who btw. named herself kim chi. you cannot make this shit up)#and then the white guy pretending to be japanese to try to justify his hate of the new assassin's creed game using stuff around yasuke #like it's so draining. i hate how much this is a never ending problem #i hate how casually white people will use asian names #like worstie. i am a korean woman. but i am whitepassing and mixed so i never use korean names for my self inserts #bcs i have the privilege of looking white and people generally only knowing i'm asian if i say it #it feels inappropriate to me for me to name my self inserts a korean name #bcs that would then mean they experience the world in a different way than i do #even being whitepassing bcs of the way people treat korean (and other asian) names #if you are white you have no fucking right to asian names #idgaf if your f/o's an anime character. stay away from asian names bcs they are not yours to dress up in #vent a little bit sorry team #i've been dealing with white people doing this shit and being assholes to me about it for well over a year now. it's exhausting

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clit-a-cola · 2 months ago

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Saw art of Vi from Arcane where someone slapped a dick on her to bang her gf

like if you hate a f/f pairing that much just kill yourself already you insane homophobe

#blogging #I'm so tired and exhausted about shit I gotta deal with irl #I can no longer summon patience or kindness for these people.#I am saying this as a bisexual who can enjoy some well drawn m/f nsfw.#Nothing legit disgusts me more than people taking a same sex pairing and turning it straight.#It is a deep visceral hate and disgust that mother fuckers can not STAND the concept of two people of the same sex being together #I think I only feel this same emotion for the likes of Charlie Kirk or Elon Musk.

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icewindandboringhorror · 18 days ago

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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with #elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the #grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything #but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd #nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable #are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that #is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant #amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear #masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations #arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will #go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring #annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then #YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated #while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol #I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are #saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to #get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined #with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with #others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then #when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O #also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming #looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj #I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a #person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some #more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all #of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol #I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to #contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***

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battywitch · 2 months ago

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I just can't believe that zero pain is the normal amount to be in

#i literally can not remember ever having no pain and it's entirely possible i have been in pain since before birth #usually it's just distracting and makes it so i can't do what i want/need to #but on worse days i can not stop thinking about the pain and i can barely get out of bed for food and such #i feel like such a lazy useless pile of steaming shit right now #i haven't even done anything particularly strenuous #like. sure i had a bad phase with migraines and not sleeping and then pmdd and menstrual hell and the hurricane #and mixed into that i might have pushed myself physically a few times #and if i were anyone else i would be advising the exhausted person to just let themselves rest a bit #but i can not stop thinking about everything that needs to be done #and how much worse other disabled people have it #and how my partner isn't able to rest because they're working overtime hurricane related shifts #and i can't get the voices of my family out of my head about how lazy disabled people are #(but then they'll also accuse people of faking disability if the disabled person pushes themselves)#i hate this and i hate myself and it's infuriating to keep trying to make myself more normal #but it doesn't work and i just keep ending up feeling even more exhausted when i try to start working out (yoga and squats and such)#if I'd had covid and was dealing with long covid I'd understand and maybe be more forgiving #but this started way before covid 19 (which i haven't had afaik) and only got worse after i had shingles #i am so angry and so sick of being exhausted all the time #... it's a bad fatigue and not great pain time and I'm emotional and so fucking frustrated

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destructive-delight · 3 months ago

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status effect “mentally clocked in” needs to be nerfed. i can feel my mood decay in real time while doing absolutely fucking nothing.

#i‚ high calibre dumbass that i am‚ agreed to take on a second news paper route for a few weeks #thinking for sure the heat won’t be so bad at the end of august #which was already a massive mistake #and then apparently something absolutely catastrophic happened in production so deliveries were delayed #and they couldn’t tell us for sure when deliveries would be done #so i was checking a nearby delivery point every hour since 8pm #(usually they’re already there by 4pm)#in the end i started my route at 2am and had to cut it short because exhaustion and the fucking sun kicked in when i was only halfway done #and of course whenever there are production issues #it’s because the publisher sold so much ad space the papers were thrice as thick as normal #so i’m dealing with the heat‚ baseline double workload + paper thickness multiplier #and i’m jittery because i have an unfinished task just hanging over my head and can do nothing about it until tonight #good #great #i lost 2 days over 6 hours’ worth of minimum wage #i know my brain loves to set itself on fire over schedule changes but this is ridiculous

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nowjumpinthewater · 3 months ago

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#someone drank my water i am SO MAD #ALL OF IT #IT WAS ICE COLD #I JUST FINISHED MOVING INTO MY NEW HOUSE AND IM TIRED AND HOT AND EXHAUSTED AND THE ONLY THING I WANTED WAS WATER #i know this is a little thing but i am so high strung right now i cant deal with it #all i want is some cold water #vent post #tw vent

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running-in-the-dark · 7 months ago

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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

#long rambly post sorry #I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time #I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful #but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it #also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that #but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month #like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting #I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important #it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with #people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together #fuuuuck this #😭#personal

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milo-is-rambling · 7 months ago

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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 8 months ago

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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fatcowboys · 8 months ago

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im done w moving and out of the shitty apt w the shittier roommate (who did not let move out happen without adding as Much drama as possible) and have just. been feeling so much better. living w my two friends who actually communicate well and all work together on our needs and gah. so less stressed and anxious now!!! and also in a week kitty introductions have gotten farther than they ever did w shitty roommates kitties (they were kinda bullies, so we had to move glacial speed even w oregano cat expert) and just. thank u the universe things are so much better now

#only improvement would be if anjo Also lived here curse grad school!!!!!!#i moved out over a week ago but we just tuened in keys after cleaning day on sunday #and across just those two days bad roommate accused me of faking cleaning a part of something (that was not requested or clear)#tried to turn anjo against me by saying im a liar and manipulator and gaslighter (which. listen the last one i could say the fuckin same)#(which is also so funny bc anjo and i are so close. became codependent in a heart beat. why tf would u think anjo is gonna be on ur side)#then at the walkthru pointed out things that were damaged (which they are Alsonin on that security deposit what are u doing)#and the texted again accusing me of shit with a stupid fucking infographic on weaponized incompetance #thankfully like all of these i had my friends with me bc when infirst got there for cleaning i uhhhh had a panic attack lol #so i had good support thru everything and now never have to deal w them #its just. been So much lmao. and its so fucking nice how calm and smooth things have been #like i had that sort of shit. i in general am good at communicating and avoid shitty drama like this person #so its been So exhausting. but im done now thank god #and the new place is so much better and nicer and i love the friends im living w and Yeah :')

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fitzselfships · 1 month ago

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After being out Way longer than I wanted to and having Very scary and stressful encounter I am exhausted. I need to cuddle with Zooble I think that will fix me <3

#I was told we'd only be out for like. a few minutes but we were out all day I was not prepared for that at all </3 #and then at walmart I got chased down by someone tryingto hit me witha shopping cart #idk why they were chasing me but immediately after my mom intervened they immediately started chasing a man on a motorized cart #and I was limping because my knee was acting up again #soooo idk how I'm not supposed to think that was ableism #I mean. I've dealt with things like that before when I used to use a cane #the whole reason i had to stop using it was because people kept trying to hit me with their cars when I'd walk through parking lots #anyway sorry to rant but that encounter is the whole reason i'm so exhausted #GOD I am so tired of dealing with ableism from people #Zooble would gladly beat up anyone who is ableist to me <3 #idk if this needs to be tagged as a vent #it's more of a rant than a vent

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wandersee · 1 month ago

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me all of last week: why tf am i even more exhausted/fatigued than normal all i can do is go to jobs and then go to sleep and i can't even focus on it think about ANYTHING

me yesterday: *realizing I haven't taken my be-less-sleepy med for an entire week* Ahhhh... right...

#ran out on Monday but my psych changed clinics and my appt with her at New clinic want until thurs #i want able to get it until thurs #and then i completely forgot to add it into my daily med thingy until today 🤣#and today I'm just like WOW I'M NOT UNBEARABLY EXHAUSTED!!! I WONDER WHY- oh yeah #TJGFUGFHGHJ #Modafinil you are my hero of they ever try to take you away from me i will fight and i will kill #literally i am unable to do anything but sleep without it like I'm still so tired on it but it's a million times worse w/o it #and i only started it last year so i had to deal with too-sleepy-and-fatigued-to-literally-even-exist disease for god what since 2011 or so #anytime I'd bring it up I'd just be told to have better sleep hygiene or whatever bullshit #like I'm the kid who ALWAYS fell asleep in class and anywhere else THIS ISN'T A ME PROBLEM THIS IS A MY BODY PROBLEM 🙄#and anyways there's a reason I've followed my psych to 3 diff clinics she is INCREDIBLE #she's started me on so many meds that ACTUALLY HELP MY PROBLEMS!!!!#and literally never questions or doubts that the things i tell her i deal with are true it's just 100% belief in me #which is soooooo amazing and refreshing after an eternity of ppl never believing me about medical shit ever #and anyways I'm rambling far too long lol but yeah it's insane the utter life changing differences having good drs and right meds can make #and if i ever lose my night job i won't be able to afford ANY of this shit so... I'm trapped there for all eternity 🤣#it's not a bad job at all it's the whole having to have 2 jobs things that sucks #OKAY ANYWAYS SHOWER TIME BEFORE I RAMBLE INFINITELY MORE LMAO #chatterbox

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starbuck · 2 months ago

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i don’t hold grudges, but i only let people break my trust once and not trusting someone is a relatively similar phenomenon.

#like. do i HATE people who have done me wrong or waste my time thinking about how much they suck? no.#hate is exhausting and i have many better things to do #but do i experience anxiety due to having to work with people i don’t trust? ABSOLUTELY.#so that’s why my shitty coworker and manager being gone is such a big deal to me #nothing either of them could do would EVER make me trust them again #and my direct boss is also a part of that and i think she knows that #i have more personal affection for her as a friend #i think she’s just a bad people manager who accepted bad direction from her own boss #but also like… grow a spine and defend your autistic employee - you know??#and i will never forget that and i will never have trust with her again #i’m not MAD. i’m just disappointed and you only get to disappoint me once #after that - it’s just par for the course as far as i’m concerned #and i am getting out of this town #not a thing could make me stay #and i do suspect that i will leave before my boss does #but i hope she’s figured out by now that i would not mourn her loss either #and i will not mourn my own even a little bit!#i cannot WAIT to move on #but with my boss’s boss gone the necessary wait will be a little easier

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dogearedheart · 4 months ago

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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to #i don't want to make people uncomfortable #and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane #it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions #and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any #of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you #it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done #such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical #and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt #of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything #i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not #visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness #is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow #i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace #i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie #life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do #this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals #and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting #them that was never my intention. i promise #so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about #you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to #navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate #the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people #not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too #I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking #brain of mine.

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herrlichersonnigertag · 5 months ago

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“people in the west only care about the holocaust because Ashkenazi Jews are currently racialized as white” is not the revolutionary take you think it is

#sorry i just saw the worst fucking post.#spitting with anger rn #people in the west only cared about the holocaust AFTER THE FUCKING WAR #and only cared at all because hitler was trying to conquer europe aka their centers of power #believe me. if hitler just wanted to kill all Jews and leave all the nice Europeans alone they would not care. because #european/western powers didn’t care if jews and rromani died!! they didnt give a fuck about us!!!#they had the fucking chance to care. and they did not. read about the Evian conference.#this is NOT TO SAY that it’s not fucking disgusting the way ppl in the west are callous about genocide #but maybe take like. three seconds. to figure out if you’re actually trying to make about about that. or if you’re just??#dismissing the holocaust??? as not that big a deal????#or comparing genocides like some kind of historical level oppression olympics???#sorry just. fuck you. fuck you for real. i am so angry #will probably delete this in 5 minutes i am exhausted.

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