#so my physical health isnt all that either rn

[storm-of-feathers]

not super thrilled ab the fact that for the sake of my health i currently find it hard to talk about a very large part of myself and my identity.

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

you know i've been thinking about the consequences of malleus's actions in book 7 and i realized how much he's fucked everyone over including his grandma. bc like other than the fact that he ob'd (which literally has NEGATIVE connotations one of which being is idk ""UNSTABLE"" which isnt necessarily a good look for a crown prince is all im saying) he's literally causing terrorism (??? can you call it that idk how else to call it) which is going to setback his grandma's efforts (and lilia's and baul's, and every supporter of his and his family) in keeping peace in their kingdom and the favor of the humans towards the fae. Like. i feel so bad for grandmother draconia rn i can only imagine the stress and pressure she's under.

Then theres also aside from PHYSCIALLY compromising everyone's healths in sage island (BECAUSE THE MAJORITY ARE HUMANS OR AT LEAST THEY DONT LIVE AS LONG AS THE FAE). He's also fucked everyone mentally twice over!!!! By booting them straight into a world where none of their problems exist. Now that wouldnt sound bad if it weren't for the fact that dreams have to end, and life isnt kind. It rarely ever is, and i can only imagine how distraught i would be if i were to say, hypothetically lost someone a year before and the wound is so fresh and raw and, in my dreams, they never died and everything is okay, then i wake up and realize that it was just that. A dream, they are still gone and i wish i never woke up which would be a LITERAL DEATH SENTENCE. This isnt just an event that takes place in NRC either BUT THE WHOLE ISLAND and that domain is GROWING, GROWING. I can't imagine just how many would be so emotionally ruined after this. Like.....

If Malleus does not suffer the consequences of his actions istg i will be so pissed, at least REMOVE HIM FROM THE PREMISE OR SOMETHING GODDDDDDD this cannot be remedied with a slap on the hand!!!!!

(Note: Sorry for the long rant. I felt the need to get this out of my chest bc i dont mind malleus's archetype actually nor do i actually hate him, bc i enjoy him interacting w other characters a lot (my fave ever vigenette is him giving deuce the equivalent of minecraft diamon for fixing a retrobit gaming toy) BUT GOD DOES HE MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL)

Yeah, I do feel like the scale of Malleus's actions cannot be understated. I know it's kind of a fandom joke that the OB boys are left off with a slap on the wrist + maybe some social ramifications at school, but this is the ONE time in the main story where things are getting super big and the effects could be cripplingly long-lasting.

I don't know if TWST will seriously address the consequences after book 7, but I sure hope they do!! There is a lot of interesting ground to cover (many points which this anon has already brought up) in a follow-up main story arc or the next book.

For example:

Malleus obviously has to regain the trust of his peers and staff. He didn’t really have it before but now has to work twice as hard to make connections since he just took a drastic action that confirmed the rumors some were already spreading about how he’s a monster.

He’s the sole heir to the throne and has just betrayed the trust of the people of Briar Valley. How are they feeling about him now? Do they still trust him to lead them?

How does this impact their relations with other countries (since Malleus himself stresses how he represents Briar Valley)? This is a problem visible on a global scale, and surely this would damage their rep with other nations, particularly the predominantly human ones. It’s setting back what is hundreds of years of trying to fix the broken trust between their races.

Malleus’s UM potentially puts his victims in physical harm; in book 7, Ortho suggests that since everyone is sleeping, their bodies are not getting the food or water they need. As a result, they may physically waste away and then perish. (We have seen that there are sleep blessings that keep people sleeping for hundreds of years without detriment to the blessed though, such as the one cast on Silver—so we cannot be entirely sure if Ortho’s theory is correct or not.)

There is the possibility that Malleus’s dreams may traumatize or retraumatize his victims, particularly those with deep rooted troubles. An example of this is Idia, who had suffered the loss of his brother when he was like… 8 years old??? But then in his dream, Idia is living a happy false reality that Ortho never died. When he finally comes to this realization, he has to relive the trauma of the discovery all over again and breaks down sobbing. We also see in the most recent book 7 update that Vil had to face the evilest aspects of himself and a dark reality; Rook became very emotional upon waking himself. Admittedly, Idia and co. coped with it well enough—this is proof of their character development and the strength of the new friendships they’ve formed. However, all the people on Sage’s Island/Twisted Wonderland may not react so positively or be so accepting of their cruel realities.

Again, just the overall moral dilemma of one person robbing all of Sage’s Island (and soon all of Twisted Wonderland) of their autonomy.

Potential extra work for STYX and whichever countries Malleus’s magic manages to spread to (repairing any physical damage caused by the thorns + mental damage done to those that fell asleep). That’s money, time, and resources that aren’t going toward other everyday endeavors.

How will Malleus himself mentally and emotionally cope with what he has done? Is he going to show remorse and shame? How does he plan on rectifying his actions, if at all?

Will this change how his dorm members + family view him? For example, will Sebek become disillusioned with his liege/realize Malleus is not as perfect as he seems? Will Maleficia blame herself for not being there for Malleus? Will Lilia feel guilty for not teaching Malleus right from wrong? Etc, etc, etc.

I’d honestly love to read all of these! 🤔 It would add a lot to the lore and history of Twisted Wonderland, as well as serve as motivators for Malleus to change, “be better”, and actually earn the respect he’s so used to being handed by default. This would be huge for him, especially seeing as he has not really faced significant backlash or consequences for any other missteps he was responsible for or involved in. (I know I bring this one up a lot, but Endless Halloween Night is one such major example.)

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

ive gained some weight and idk how to feel abt it

ive never been skinny but recently i have realized ive gained a few pounds. there isnt a scale in my house (both my ma and i have struggled w self esteem) but i just can tell. i get that weight fluctuates esp as a teenager but still i feel icky abt it. gaining a few wouldnt kill me but losing a few wouldnt either. no one has said anything to me but still i can tell and its bothering me. i mentioned it to my bf the other day and ofc he said it didnt matter to him. either way its not that i feel bad abt it necessarily well no i feel bad but like not horrible???? like there was a time where id sob abt this but rn i just feel kinda gross abt it like uncomfy abt it. doesnt help that im eating a bagel while typing this. it kinda makes me wanna stop eating again even tho that is NOT the solution to this. the main reason i think that ive gained a few pounds is cause the weather is cold and has been rainy where i live so i havent been going on walks as much, went on my first one all winter yesterday after school, also we started health in PE so i havent had the usual 4 times a week half hour of physical activity that i usually do so thats probably why either way ill probably just walk in the cold and eat a bit better.

[onlyswan]

Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.

Mind if I rant here?

I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.

Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.

Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂

Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?

(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)

And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?

I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.

Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂

Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D

-Lyf

hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬

i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺

dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(

hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭

and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂

[trashmuis]

Current state of things, I guess... tw personal stuff but wanting to share

So... I've been home for about 3 weeks

and my fuckin mental health is sufferinngggggg bro like im straight up not having a good time right now ✌

It's extremely difficult to be away from my -still crazy to say this but- husband, and the home we had together. Getting a residence contract in his country is still taking a lot of time and we're not even at the home stretch yet because it might be another 3 months after the last bit gets submitted. Like fr this has been stressful and that plays so much into how both of us are feeling.

I don't really want or like to use this platform as a diary anymore, but I feel like... alone sometimes with these feelings I guess. Especially with a 6 hour time difference, I'm by myself a lot. So i'm venting. I don't want to bother anyone separately for it, I mean, besides like a therapist probably. But idk if i can afford a therapist really anyway. I totally need one though. On the to-do list going forward, even if the search previously has been uhhhh pretty unhelpful 👎

But, um, my confidence is super low rn and being away suuuper doesnt help bc he cant be there for me physically to provide that comfort i need when im being like, absolutely down, and i am so damn hard on myself when left by myself. I need to use coping methods and i'm lacking motivation to even do that.

Genuinely, that's what i really really want to work on now. So that's also why I'm writing this, to the void (which isnt a void, but, no one follows me so whatever.) I feel so fuuuucking boring sometimes. What are my hobbies rn? What is my sense of style? Am I stifling myself??? Yeah. I am. My confidence is at the bottom of a barrel and I am frustrated about that, but my anxiety is way way up, and my depression is making everything feel like a goddamn chore.

I'm so sick of it. I really want to pick myself up and like, work on being a better me. Cuz this year isnt starting as well as I thought it was, bc going home like deflated me so much and it blows, dude. I have some regrets from last year too, and that doesnt help, but i cant do shit until i go back overseas anyway. I just feel like i have nothing going for me at the moment and like im wasting my life 😕

Idk im a fuckin dork but i have fun with stupid stuff and it makes me happy, and i just feel like i NEED something to make me happy rn, bc usually that's my husband and i just... dont have him the way id like rn since we're so many miles apart for at least the next 90 days, if not longer. I'd REALLY REALLY REALLY like to not need to do this one more time. But tbh btw, i need to be a better me for all days, so i can manage on my own anyway. i dont want to be codependent or NEED him when i feel awful either.

TLDR; Mental health issues are brutal. Def feeling that rn. But I'll be working on it.

[lastoneout]

my body legit just CANNOT relax and I know it's partially an anxiety/trauma thing but it just keeps getting worse and worse and I have these vivid dreams where horrible stuff happens constantly and I wake up like 4 times a night petrified and can't get back to sleep and I can't actually fall asleep properly until the sun is up bcs I just don't feel safe unless it's daytime and my fiancé is awake bcs then he's "keeping watch" or whatever and so I just toss and turn and have nightmares from 11-6am and then actually sleep from 6-11am and I'm SO TIRED ALL THE TIME

and I've tried EVERY anxiety medication my psychiatrist can think to give me and they either do nothing, interact with my other meds in horrible ways, or just fuck me up bcs a fun side effect of bipolar disorder is that SSRIs make it WORSE, but she STILL won't prescribe ambien bcs "narcotics are bad for me" as if NEVER EVER SLEEPING ISNT CLEARLY DOING IMMENSE DAMAGE TO MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH LIKE????

and the only thing that helps is fucking weed gummies which are expensive as all hell and I can't take them every night bcs I'll build up a tolerance so I'm just fucked until I can see my primary and beg her to do anything to help me sleep or just deal with it until I can see a sleep specialist, which given the wait times I've been getting with my other doctors might take MONTHS, so if my primary won't prescribe me something in the mean time I might legit just have to keep suffering like this for the time being and tbh I don't know how much more of it I can take this is legit ruining my fucking life!!

and it's so frustrating too bcs I have tried everything like I have desperately tried to learn to manage my anxiety but it just doesn't help and my therapist has legit said she doesn't think I'm going to make any progress on managing it myself without meds if I'm exhausted constantly so I need sleeping meds and I'm just so fucking tired and other doctors telling me to just try x when I've tried mindfulness and I've tried every single non-narcotic medication and I've tried good sleep hygiene and NONE of it helps and I can't get another dog rn so like pls I just want to sleep all I want is to fucking sleep again it is so INCREDIBLY unfair that I'm being told to put up with this endless hell to protect myself from "bad" medications I deserve to get the help I so very clearly need

oh my fucking god I am so tired of not fucking sleeping the 12th cannot come soon enough

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

WAIT I THINK I MISSED THE ASK POST BUT IF UR STILL UP FOR IT homie how about 14, 15, 18, and/or 27 if you’re up for it??? if they’ve been answered already and i missed them no worries about it!!

hello, thanks very much for the ask!!!!! :)

14. If you were stuck on a desert island with only two characters, which would you pick?

ive never written him, probably never will, but absolutely saiki kusuo. 

if its a character that i have written, probably aizawa. he seems reliable. im sure he’ll figure it out. or we’d die together which is also cool.

15. A Hollywood producer tells you that they want to film just one of your fics. Which fic would you want it to be?

my fics are all too shitty to be made into films but hollywood movies are mostly shitty anyway. so, demonology. would love to see demonology matrix style.

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

i love chapter 6 of misdirection. the whole card scene. it was hell to write, but the pay off was amazing.

i remember i held off that chapter for like a month or so bc i was stuck lol. nusm-deku isnt a fighting guy.. he wouldn’t physically fight his enemies; thats his whole thing. and aizawa, though not infallible, wouldnt physically fight deku either. for one thing, hes against a kid, and secondly, he probably wouldnt lose. hes a seasoned pro hero, it just doesnt make sense if he loses (i dont want to nuke a character’s strength for the sake of making another character look cool). and if nusm-deku does pull out some trick that actually manages to beat aizawa in a fight, that wouldnt lead aizawa to be inclined in working with deku either--aizawa isnt that kind of guy.

so how was i gonna have them face off against each other with cooperation as the endgame? this was like the biggest issue with this fic when i started writing it, how to write their confrontation. but then it clicked.. mind game + bargaining would be the answer. both of them have a bargaining chip that the other wants. ta-dah. 

i always knew there was going to be a card game, so i decided ok, this is it, lets put it here. blackjack is simple enough. now another issue is that... who’d win? (yes i didnt plan this out. i dont plan anything when i write) if deku wins, again, it feels like im lowballing aizawa’s character... “losing” wouldn’t be a motivation for someone with aizawa’s principle; i feel like if he loses, he would find another way, he just won’t give in. but if aizawa wins, then what’s the point of the fic, right? this au deku isn’t someone who gives in either, he would definitely find another way too. in a sense both of their characters are a bit too similar to each other, in their principles--its a struggle for control between the two. so how was this story going to achieve a satisfying conclusion that a) makes sense, b) cool as fuck, c) respect both of their characters?

it takes a while to figure out that i have to somehow make the both of them lose and win at the same time. that kind of bittersweet, imperfect achievement just works and it just.. makes their whole dynamic. it works perfectly. and then the last chapter manages to become full circle to the first chapter. 

its one of the most satisfying conclusions ive ever done personally. love that chapter.

27. If you were ever to do a sequel to [x fic], what do you think might happen in it?

i think the only “discontinued” bnha fic rn is homecoming king. 

im really curious whats gonna happen in homecoming tbh. my first idea about it was actually what if nomu deku is enrolled in 1-A lol? that would be super interesting. makes no sense (danger to the rest of the kids etc), but that’s fanfiction for you. i would like to see that happen.  

but the most logical turn of events, i think, is that the commission is absolutely going to attempt to control nomu deku and use him as a weapon slash guinea pig for their own use. aizawa, on the other hand, would feel some kind of weird obligation to deku and try his best to get the kid some sort of semblance of a normal life--to no avail, ofc. and this is where bkg comes to picture.. i think it would be interesting if this deku gets attached to bkg bc bkg is the only recollection he has of his “previous” life. thus, bkg will be used by the commission to “control” this nomu deku. like they would let deku to meet bkg as a reward. and bkg? bkg, seeing his childhood friend slash ex-bullying victim become an inhumane creature slash hero commission’s attack dog? oh.. bkg’s gonna have his own mental health shot to hell.

this, i think, is the plot that makes most sense. a bit fucked up huh? now i wanna write it.

[tillman]

Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad. 

[dojaeism-archived]

Ah, don't fret it asfhgkshj I hope you're feeling better after that not-exactly-a-break-but-a-break anyways! Ooh, is the same as Socio-cultural anthropology? I've found it quite intimidating for some reason but sociology along with it are both such interesting disciplines, maybe that's because it has to do with behavioural cycles; thus is close to Psychology in a way - ❄️

ive been trying to put these under a cut but i dont think they’re working ;-;

Wow your brain is incredible! I never liked theories in either Physics or Math but the practical parts and numerical analyses were always my strong point... Bio + Chem both made much more sense than any law or theory I have ever studied during the few years I had with Physics haha Ah, ok; I was confused as to whether it applied to blinding pink alone or other striking colours too! - ❄️

It was rather relaxing, and I used to be so happy if anyone complimented mine ;-; Oh, I did enjoy cooking/baking & drawing but other things I've taken up this year are gif-making + learning French because quarantine had me bored to no end 😂 I've still got a while before I start going to college so I'm also writing quite a bit these days! - ❄️

Mario Kart XD I think I'll give thought to that but omg you play Genshin? That's such a cool idea to play with, so many directions this crossover could go to! Oh god, how can one drink so much coffee? I like it too but you're on another level sjsjsjsjsjsj (pst, Uni; stop being so hard on her!) My day has been fluctuating too much for my liking; one moment it's good the next something just ruins it but I've been okay~ you too 🥺 have a wonderful day/night! - ❄️

im putting the asks all together as its easier to answer like this and i dont wanna clog my dash haha but hello!! i wouldnt say im feeling better, unis still kinda crazy rn but i managed to reschedule all my classes into the same few days so hopefully it’ll be better!! i hope you’ve been keeping well 💗

and yes, social anthropology is the same as socio-cultural anthropology but its just a different name i suppose. it is kinda intimidating, in the sense where there’s always a million different aspects of something to think about and to consider whenever you’re talking about anything, nothing is ever just as it is which gets a little frustrating sometimes bc its soooo open-ended haha but its definitely super interesting because of that! and you’re right, it’s super close to psychology too! a lot of my mates do like... soc. anthro with psychology or choose psych modules bc it ties in a lot with the main module, which is really cool! i think psychology is super interesting too, and some days i really wish i’d chosen it as a major instead hahaha

but omg noo my brain isnt incredible, i just really enjoy maths and so physics naturally as well, i wouldn’t say chem and bio were difficult subjects for me, but i just found them so boring compared to the rest that i never wanted to try 😭😭

oh i’d love to see some of your art someday! (not sure how that’d work but im sure its amazing welp) and you like to cook/bake?? that is sooo cool, do you have any fav dishes to make? i used to be a complete hazard in the kitchen before going off to uni, i literally didnt know how to do anything but boil water lmao but turns out that living alone forces you to learn a loooot, and im actually a p good cook now hhhehe and omg!!! i picked up gif-making in the summer bc of quarantine too 🤣 do you mostly gif exo only? i have like 6 different sideblogs so im always a mess abt giffing people hahaha how’s learning french going? mon français est si mauvais que c'est embarrassant 😅 and wow, when do you start college? 

ngl tho, i know absolutely nothing about mario kart, gaming in general is Not my forte unless you’re talking FIFA (literally the ONLY game i know how to play LOOOL) but yeah i recently started genshin bc my sister plays it and i was just sooo bored (if ur in the europe server, hmu!) but idk, i think it might be a genetic thing tho bc my dad doesnt drink anything but coffee (literally never seen him drink anything else my whole life) haha

i hope things calm down soon!! its so hard to keep up when things keep fluctuating, so for your sake i hope they get better 🥺🥺 take care of your health, and don’t stress abt things too much! <3

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[cowboyjimkirk]

okay lmao I'm asking u for advice/help bc tbh ur more of a parental figure to me rn than my actual parents lol. Anyway I would very much like 2 move out but I have no one to like. consult djfhdjd only my best friend who is also 18 so safe to say neither of us have v much life experience lmao. (gna split this so I can fit more info in uwu) - trans anon. 1/?

k SO I make ~£277/week rn (~£1110/mo.). dont drive but I'm currently looking at moving into the city centre which has 👌🏻👌🏻 public transport + the place I'm looking @ is literally down the road from the stop that my work shuttle picks up from so getting to/from work wouldnt be a hassle. the place is abt £97/week (my max is around £450/mo, £104/week) + also uni isnt a thought for me rn. can I feasibly move out?? 2/3

I just feel like I'm being compressed in this house. my mom even said when I came out that they wouldn't kick me out but if I'm not happy here then I shld move. but now I want to move and now suddenly all they're doing is finding holes in my plan? pls def feel free to tell me if I'm being unrealistic/need 2 reasses but I'd rather it come from someone hearing me out than my parents who just seem like they're trying 2 keep me @ home + from transitioning idk I just. cant be in this house lol 3/3

i think it’s feasible! and i think moving out is absolutely the right choice if it’s what you want.

i normally wouldn’t recommend moving out unless you have savings and a job that pays significantly more than the minimum wage. independence is great, but not necessarily worth the iron deficiency that comes from eating ramen three times a day. being broke has a huge impact on your physical and mental health, and that’s the number one thing you should consider. 

but i understand that living at home is just as—if not more—damaging. it’s a terrible and lonely thing to feel unwelcome in your own home, and you deserve your own space.

so basically you need to decide which is best for you: living within the confines of your parents’ small-mindedness but having a disposable income, or claiming a space where you can be yourself but broke and at least a little miserable.

it’s a tough decision, so just give it some thought. will your best friend be there to lend moral support? are there any friends or family who could help you out financially? i have no idea how the NHS works, but will you still be able to go to a therapist? can you still start T like you planned?

either way, i’m proud of how fearless you are and your low tolerance for BS. i didn’t have a fraction of your confidence at 18 and, whichever one you choose, i’m sure you’ll make it work

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[horce-divorce]

man. so. i've been doing REALLY well mental-health wise since i moved back to michigan. in the past 2 years i even started sleeping regularly and established a bit of daily routine

but my routine is messed up rn because i had to stop smoking weed. i chose to for my EEG in a month but also bc i'm out of money lmfao. and i would maybe even be able to function w/o weed if it wasn't for the ARFID. but my life and my nice new routine is falling apart now bc i went off my meds and, predictably, i cannot eat! and I am. frustrated. I just need to vent :^)

cw for talk of food/ED & neuro issues

without weed, it takes me so long to eat even 1 apple, sliced as if for a child (usually 1.5 hours), that i have to devote my ENTIRE day to making sure that i'm getting enough calories to even sort-of function. because if I only eat "what I can" I will only be eating about 500cals a day, i will start barfing, and I will end up in the ER. it's happened multiple times before.

so my routine is all wack rn. i wake up at like 8:30, I work on a carnation shake from about 9:30-10:30. around 11 I slice up some fruit and work on that until about 1pm. i have to watch tv while I do this bc otherwise I'm too focused on how the food feels and I will have a panic attack. this esp is fucking me up bc for the last 2 years I mainly watched TV at night (easier to get immersed and then go to bed then walk around all day still being immersed. is that an adhd thing?? idk)

anyway by the time i'm done w my apple it's time to think about lunch, and that also takes me several hours to complete, and by then, it's time to think about dinner, and at that point I still probably have not eaten even 500cals. and i havent gotten anything else done in the meantime (like art, or transcripts, or whatever) either because it hurts too much to sit at the desk, or because I can't eat and focus on a task at the same time (I hyperfocus, the food will go uneaten). or both.

normally I eat smaller meals/snack thru the day, then eat 1 large meal at dinnertime, but I literally physically cannot make myself do that without weed anymore.

and like, neuro didn't tell me I need to stop smoking weed for my procedure, I took it upon myself to do that bc I want them to have the data. and my counselor said now's a good a time as any to quit if I'm out of money, because when they DO ask you to stop smoking for a procedure, it's usually like, 6-8 weeks out or something.

like, technically can I survive on less than 500cals a day for a month? probably, but I really don't wanna find out?? I don't wanna live like that??? i've been losing weight like crazy and NOT in the Cool Good For You kind of way, in the "shit I already needed to replace my clothes bc transition and now this and I HAVE NO MONEY" kind of way.

i did request an appointment w my pcp about my stomach after calling the nurseline (hopefully they get back to me tomorrow). but I feel like they're just gonna refer me to a gastro. and that's gonna be another indeterminate wait for someone to look at. and idk if i can continue to not use weed that whole time. like idk if I can stand it. i cant fucking live like this I'm literally suffering and can't do my work or anything.

idk maybe like, i can stop smoking just a week or two before my EEG and that might be ok? so that I wont fucking starve in the meantime??? :( REALLY hope the next gastro isnt such a dissmisive ass hole like my last one....

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 072.

Do you like snowy winter days or do you prefer rainy days? ooooooo i love both. rn I like rain

Name 3 things you find most beautiful in nature. ocean, mountains, trees

Do you know anyone who doesn't have a middle name? Yep. ppl in my family

What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

Who is someone you really admire? My mom.

What is something you wish you would've known when you were younger? youre going to be loved, just be patient

Have you ever changed for someone? hmm. i think when I was in love with John he taught me so much about allowing myself to love another person. He taught me the importance of wanting to trust someone and learning to take walls down isnt always a bad thing. he also made me a bit more intentional as a human being. I don’t know hw much of what he taught me was me changing FOR him, or rather me changing as I learned more 

What was the first thing you learned to cook? probably pizza casserole

What are you grateful for today? family, friends, safety, health, experiences, knowledge

Have you ever cried while reading a book? Yes.

If you had the money what charity would you want to start? I’d have to think hard on this one

If you could ask one person one questions and get a completely honest answer who would it be and what would you ask? it;d be kile and it would be why he didn’t pick me over letting a broken relationship go. gosh, just saying that makes me disgusted that I could ask someone to choose me over that.

How do you make a tough decision? usually a pro con list. consider the benefits immediate, long term, and extra long term. consider who is affected. ask for advice from trusted and knowledgeable individuals.

Would you sell one of your kidneys for $75,000? oooooooooooo maybe

When was the last time you felt powerless? on the phone with kile when he confirmed he had a live-in girlfriend for 6 years. thats one of the few times in my life i can actively say i felt entirely powerless. powerless over my emotions -- which hit me like a ton of bricks. powerless over my relationship with him. powerless over my future. powerless towards joy, which is what that week should have been. idk if ive ever been quite as hurt or betrayed as i was then, and it just left me absolutely powerless.

What is your favorite winter activity? driving around to look at lights with hot chocolate n christmas carols.

What age did you realize that Santa Clause was not real? I think I was like 5

If you could go back in time and change anything, what would it be? i dont know. i really dont. i wish i could protect myself from agony, but would that be worth losing out on what i had?

What creeps you out? spiders

What was the last thing you complained about? The heat

What is the most valuable thing in your life? my faith

If you were going to do karaoke tonight, what song would you sing? the only one by melissa ethridge

What was the last movie you saw in the theater? Was it good? little women, it was great.

Are you more like your mother or your father? I have my humor, hospitality, social skills, and intelligence from my mom. i dont quite know that i have any similarities to my dad.

What are two things that you consider yourself to be very good at? considering all sides of a situation and supporting

What is the most played song in your music library? right now its probably my kile playlist.

What is the worst physical pain you have ever been in? i think my head pain was the worst.

What is the funniest thing you have heard a child say? “oh bloody hell” Whats your idea of heaven on earth? being next to someone I love and having not a care, time-constraint, or distraction around

What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done? either snorkeling above sharks, or parasailing. 

Do you like traveling? Yes. i wish I could afford to go more.

How do you feel about public speaking? im fine with it. I can psych myself up.

Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through? many times.

If you had to move to another country, where would you move? switzerland or england

When did you last step outside? What were you doing? uhhhh to bring groceries inside to where I am staying

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? not bungee jumping but maybe sky diving.

What are some compliments you get a lot? that im beautiful, my eyes are pretty, or my smile is endearing. the thing is my body is unattractive and so i think its all just fake.

What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? this

Would you like to know the exact date of your death? Nooo.

In conversations, do you tend to listen or talk more? I prefer to listen, but sometimes ill talk.

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care