#dont get me wrong im as pissed and upset as anyone else but given what happened a couple weeks ago im just. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rainingincale · 5 years ago

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rules:

always repost the rules

answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!

give 11 questions

tag 11 people

I was tagged by the lovely @davidfors5 thank you so much 😭 😭 😭

1. fave character from each remake and why?

Skam Austin: Poonam Para. I know that she’s a side character and honestly i was close to saying Jo, Kelsey or Shay but she’s my fav. I think i just see a lot of myself in her and i like how she’s a completely new and different character. She’s funny and upfront and unique and I feel extremely understood and I hope we get to see more of her.

Skam France: Imane Bakhellal. Again i was really close to saying Yann or Lucas but i think just purely because of how much i can relate to Imane and understand her she’s my fav.

Druck: David Schreibner. While i definitely relate to Matteo the most and love Amira to no end, David is hands down my favourite. He’s such an icon and he especially makes me love Druck so much. I can’t really explain why he’s my favourite so much, this one is really more of like i feel it in my soul that he’s my favourite and that’s why.

Skam España: Joana Bianchi. I... I wanted to say Amira or Lucas because i love them so freaking much and this one was honestly the hardest for me to decide but it is Joana. I don’t know what it is but i just deeply care for her so much.

Skam NL: Liv Reijners. Although i really do love like all the NL characters. Liv i decided to pick because she can sing and i love her style and she’s strong and independent and i feel like she’s a really unique noora and i just. love everything about her. I can’t find a single fault 🙈

2. fave musical moment?

Skam: håper du har plass playing when the girls go to get Sana, i think we all cry every time and i still listen to that song to this day

Skam Austin: honestly… cloutie 4 lyfe go listen to clout from grandma’s closet on soundcloud i stg their talent… is unparalleled (honorary mention, when Megan’s upset and crying and goes to see Marlon and they play the fricking meme song and stop it at “run.” i die every time)

Skam France: what else could i say other than when Lucas played ‘i love you’ on the piano like chills lich rally chills luv (honorary mention how the music goes all soft the first time Lucas sees Eliott, again iconic)

Druck: this is hard like i kind of just wanna say whenever they’ve ever used a song it’s been absolutely perfect, i think i’ll say during the first kiss clip though when they go to hold their breath and the music with the water sound effects like aaaa ded

Skam España: the last clip when they go to kiss and ‘I Follow Rivers’ starts playing like... it’s just perfect like everything comes full circle and im CRYING

Skam NL: another remake that always picks perfect music, i think my fav is whenever Liv goes to the mic to sing like i love her singing voice so much

3. if you could make your own season, who would it be about and what would happen?

I have thought about this so much it’s almost funny lmao. There’s just so much potential with Skam and then if you factor in the remakes like... absolutely spoilt for choice omfg. I’d love a Jonas season because he’s great but i really dont know what it’d even be about, Mahdi is another character i’ve always felt immensely interested in and i would love to know more about him. In the middle of typing this i’ve come to a decision actually lmao. Two words- BALLOON. SQUAD. They are literally my favourite thing about og ever seriously and Elias is my favourite Skam character. So idk maybe a season about them? and maybe about their friend group and how they’re all drifting apart or brotherhood or like healthy male friendships where they are there for each other and shit or about Even becoming friends with them again or IDK. but i know i’d have loved a season centered on them and if i had a greater mind i’d be able to come up with a good plot for them too lmao.

4. rank the sanas ( I’m evil I know )

This is literally the worst question I’ve ever seen and yes you are evil

Sana, Amira TM, Amira N, Imane, Zoya, Esra, Imaan.

BUT THEY ARE ALL EQUALLY MY FAVOURITE

5. fave season from each remake and why?

Skam Austin: Unpopular Opinion but i really loved season 1, however, I think i have to say season 2 because of how fucking well they developed all the characters like giving the cast input into the story was the best decision Skam Austin could’ve ever made. Also, Clout From Grandma’s Closet? like need i say more

Skam France: I only watched 3 and 4 and my fav is 3. Very good homage to OG with the story telling and made me absolutely fall in love with Lucas and Eliott. Like I went through the same motions as i did when i watched OG and it was nice to be reminded of that. Also liked the small changes they made like the Polaris thing that was iconic

Druck: SEASON 3. what an emotional fucking roller coaster. They had me hooked every single minute of the day and still do now. I love Matteo and how they changed the story up like im still pissed about the pacing kind of but honestly i loved season 3 and still rewatch it. the music was perfect, development of the characters, the softness. everything was just so good

Skam NL: As much as i love Liv I have to say season 1. it was goregously done, i loved the aesthetic and Isa is such a realistic and relatable character. Also her moments with Kes and Lucas and the moments with the girl squad, like it was just a really iconic start to an awesome series.

Skam España: I’ve only watched season 2 but i know even if i watched season 1 i would still say season 2 lmao. Honestly there is not a SINGLE thing they did wrong. like the story was perfect, the honour they did to og, how they switched the relationships up. it genuinely was just fucking perfect (except the whole panphobia thing. if that comment wasn’t said spain would have the best remake)

6. What’s your opinion on s2? what do you like and dislike the most? which remake made the best s2? (españa doesn’t count)

I am going to be truthful here and say that when i was first watching OG and watched season 2 I did like it but after growing up a bit and reflecting I now honestly really dont. like i’ve tried to avoid that season in remakes as much as i can (i’ve failed and the only noorhell i’ve not seen is frances one). I think what got me at first was the whole like layers thing to William. how there was more to him and also like the typical fanfic tropey moments between them. what i like about season 2 is the SA storyline, like that is an extremely important topic that needs to be talked about more so i like how it brought light to that and also how they show Noora handling the situation and how the girl squad are and i <3. What i dislike is how William uses Vilde and is so manipulative and ANNOYING omfg. Like i can’t explain how much his entitled rich ass frustrates me and how broken down Noora is by him.

7. what representation would you like to see in Skam (other than more wlw)?

Honestly i’d like to see more ethnic minorities tbh, especially like maybe some east asian people? I want skam to be the type of thing that no matter who you are you can see yourself represented in it and while the remakes and og do an alright job of it, i’d love to see more. i’ll say this this til the day i die- REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT

8. what country would you like to see a remake and why?

My biased ass is screaming Skam Scotland because like i would be able to relate to it so much and I’d love it with my entire soul but also just somewhere where the majority of the population isnt white. would be lovely for it to be in like India or Pakistan maybe so that I could personally relate to it but honestly anywhere with POC would be an absolute WIN for me. i suggest Skam Scotland where the girl and boy squad are south asians/east asians + black with the good ol’ token white friend! Hire me

9. fave head canon?

Honestly any (head)canon that says anyone is not cishet is like 👌

10. sort characters into Hogwarts houses

I was going to do the characters from all the remakes when i realised... they’re all essentially the same each time I- anyways lmao

Hufflepuff - Magnus, Even, Chris, Vilde, Mikael, Yousef, Linn

Slytherin - Sana, Isak

Gryffindor - Mahdi, Elias, Eva, Adam, Mutasim, Eskild

Ravenclaw - Jonas, Noora

This is mostly based off pure gut instinct idk

11. tell me your best crossover idea

How all the remakes seem to have the girl squads going on summer roads trips I kinda had this thought that maybe like the groups in each of the different remakes and og decide to go on a big friends holiday and everyone ends up in the same place and they all meet. none of the isaks really get along with each other, all the evens of course become best friends on the spot etc etc. i just want everyone to automatically become best friends im not good at coming up with ideas for these sorts of things sorry lmao

For my 11 questions:

Which remake/og sqaud do you think you would personally fit into the most?

What is your favourite remake and why?

What is objectively the best remake and why?

Opinions on each of the girl squads?

Favourite hairstyle out of all the remakes? (this includes any hijab styles of the Sanas)

Who do you think from og/remakes would have a youtube channel and what would they post about? (not including hei briskeby or lucas rubio’s yt channel)

Pick someone you think is underappreciated from og/remakes and explain why you think they should be appreciated more

Favourite outfit/clothing item?

Which character do you think is most similar to you?

Do you like the Eva season (season 1)?

Insert your own question that you’d like to answer!

I will tag @thedavideffect @pansexualevenbech @2ndbest @joanascris @hufflepuff-ish @matteoluigiflorenzi @liveterna2 @bbibbicole @xxrps @happoa @eleaha but don’t do this if you don’t want to! and if you see this but i haven't please go for it i would’ve tagged everyone humanly possible but alas i had to pick 11 lmao but i love reading different peoples thoughts so yeah. pls do if you want to <3

#omd this took me so long because of number 3 im so sorry #like i just culdnt think of what id do if i had the power to make a season #tag yourself im me taking this way too seriously #thanks for tagging me dani ly #about me #long post #skam #skam austin #skam france #skam españa #skam nl #druck

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ingenves · 5 years ago

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hello angels ! the name’s moose ( she/her ) & i love bugs and poutine. it’s late af so im off to bed right away but ! i would love to plot with each and every single one of you so definitely feel free to HMU ( on here or u can ask for my discord if u prefer ) or LIKE THIS and i’ll come to u ! i don’t have a wc page or anything sorted out yet but we rollin. you can peep saskia’s pinterest board HERE for the aesthetic™

⌈ sophie turner, cisfemale, she/her ⌋ hey, is it SASKIA GRAHAM that you’re looking for? you know, the TWENTY-ONE year old ACTRESS. typically i see them hanging around NEPTUNE’S DINER so you could try there! i hear they’ve been in living in KINGSTON for ONE YEAR. gristol wouldn’t be the same without them, right? anyway, whenever i see them they make me think of fresh manicures, sweet nothings whispered in french & broken champagne bottles on a tile floor.

ok so! lil miss saskia is the only child of infamous director lloyd graham and his second wife anna, a talent agent. they split up when she was a baby and although she was born in london, she primarily grew up in paris where she lived w her father and her step mom anaïs who was just an up-and-coming designer at the time of their marriage

as u can imagine, she grew up living this extravagant and opulent lifestyle that she’s since become addicted to

it was hard to be a normal kid w the parents she had, but.....all of her friends were also a part of the same world she was. as far as her childhood goes, ofc she was super duper privileged so it wasnt HARD but it also wasnt always easy??

she started acting when she was v young. she started her career in theatre as a child actor and then occasionally making small appearances in various movies that her father was working on, but her career rly took off when she hit her teen years.

she’s got a reputation for being a scream queen, most of her filmography consisting of indie french horror and thriller movies. she’s fairly well-known in france and in europe for her work but not so much in the americas unless ur into french / foreign film ig?

her father has always had most of the control over her career. although he had no part in getting her roles, he did police what she could and couldn’t audition for and he did his best to make sure that she stayed scandal-free and out of the tabloids to avoid taking a dump on the family name u know?

which is........kind of funny bc her dad is WELL KNOWN for being horrible to work with, short-tempered, demanding, all that good stuff. he’s also just.....rude. and elitist and he thinks he’s better than everyone else even tho his movies arent even THAT good. satan himself, probably

so ofc saskia didn’t want to work w him either and it was exhausting having to be his DAUGHTER when he’s so controlling

they had this MASSIVE fight eventually, where saskia basically called him out for trying to control every aspect of her life instead of just letting her LIVE and take her career and her life in the direction she wanted to. he claimed that every single one of her accomplishments was because of HIM and because of their name and without all their money she would be nothing and that made her FURIOUS bc as much as yes, her family did help her get her foot in the door and get auditions, all of the work she’s done and every role she’s gotten was because she earned it, not because of anyone else

in an act of spite and to give her dad two big ole MIDDLE FINGERS she moved to the place her father hates the most, new york city. that’s what she told him, at least, but she settled in gristol instead, just a short drive away from the big apple

she never rly pictured herself living there since.....paris is her entire life and she’s never rly had an interest in expanding her horizons to american film but.........now that she’s tryna piss off her dad she just might :/

ditched her big fancy house for a cute lil apartment that she adores

tbqh she’s just been taking a hiatus from her career since moving, straight chillin most of the time , kind of laying low and getting her ducks in a row, letting her father stew while not knowing wtf she’s been doing for a year

but she’s bored bored BORED and she doesn’t want to go back home so she’s just getting her career going again, going to auditions and doing the whole dealio u know how it be

that abt sums it up??? let me talk abt her cancer ass now

she’s SUPER good at keeping a facade and then going home to cry herself to sleep afterwards

lowkey insecure af

riddled w trust issues

as u can tell, she is a spiteful little shit

she doesn’t like to talk abt her feelings but then.....gets offended when ppl dont realize when she’s upset or angry??? *lisa from the room vc* i don’t want to talk about it

she takes criticism very personally and will most definitely get angry at u if u criticize her in any way

wtf is a stable emotion???? she has no idea

her life is a constant cycle of overreacting to things

don’t get me WRONG she is actually quite a sweetheart but it’s when u try to call her out or break her trust that she does a fuckin flip flop and goes bananas

she out here destroying herself so no one else can :/

she gets stressed out v easily and always has to take time for herself ahdsjkfg. spa days are what keep her going

loyal af to the ppl who are loyal to her!!!!!

can be lowkey manipulative without even realizing what she’s doing. just a smooth talker rly

ok some lil extra bits for ur consideration

she rly.....had no idea how to live by herself tbqh after moving out. she was LOST. didn’t know how to do laundry or make coffee or do the dishes, she didn’t know SHIT MY GUY. for someone who is v intelligent she rly......had a hard time adjusting to Real life.

occasionally walks the runway for her step-mom but her true Passion is acting

she has to take a nap every day or else she is impossible to deal with

likes to Partay but she always texts her exes when she’s drunk :/

a sentimental BITCH!!!! keeps every letter and birthday card anyone has ever given her. she has money so like.....she prefers to receive sentimental gifts that make her lowkey soft heart Melt.

loves spontaneous trips and adventures

since moving to gristol she’s become less of a fashion bitch and more of a casual comfort hoe but.......the gal always has her nails done

she hasn’t spoken to her dad since she moved away but she talks to her step-mom almost everyday bc she adores that womaN

she absolutely.....adORES american culture. she watched a ton of american tv growing up and she idolizes that shit dude

fluent in french & english ofc!! has a lil french accent

ok that’s all i have rly thank u for reading this far if u did and if not i feel u man and i still love u

#gristolintro

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lunaschild2016 · 6 years ago

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Close To You - Part 1[Eric/Devi]

Rated: M

Title and inspiration from Close To You by Maxi Priest

Summary: Devi and Eric’s story continues, but this time we see things from Eric’s eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn’t need to be wondering how to get close to the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn’t need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her.

@kenzieam @pathybo @jaihardy @every-jai @ericdauntless @beautifulramblingbrains @bookgirlthings @jojuarez26 @oddsnendsfanfics @offroadinjandals @singingpeople @iammarylastar @irasancti @captstefanbrandt @clublulu333 @fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky @jughead-wuz-here wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly @beltz2016 @meganbee15 @affabletimelady @scorpio2009 @gylisaa @geekybeyondallreason @violetsonthelam @kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts @kgurew @beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11 @holamor @wealwayskeepfighting @original46 @blakefc @xtheserpentx @artisthedgehog

She had an attitude I can't explain

You never know if you’re in flame

Tying me up with elastic words

I'm on a countdown till I get hurt

Her blood was hot she burned so bright

A neon sign there in the night

It's hard to say if I went too far

My heart still bares the scar

I just want to be close to you

And do all the things you want me to

I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)

And show you the way I feel

[Close To You; Maxi Priest]

Part 1

“What’s wrong with her?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can’t completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That’s not something I’m willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!” I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She’s wearing blue scrubs, meaning she’s from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that’s actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

“Eric Coulter, right?” She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she’s one of Jeanine’s plants in Dauntless. That’s dismissed when she gives a strained smile. “You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here.”

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. “What’s her status?”

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. “I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then.”

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I’m getting involved and why I didn’t just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

“You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?” I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

“I do.”

“Then you won’t mind working with him again now, will you?”

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I’m sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine’s she’ll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn’t, she’ll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ‘blue blood’ running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it’s just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she’s made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I’m thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I’m doing it for.

Jules.

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that’s growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She’s not Jules. There’s no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I’m in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can’t stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that’s who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I’m not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

“You better not die,” I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won’t reach the real target, who I’m really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

*****************************************************************************************

My brother is not who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can’t say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He’s standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something’s happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he’s doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won’t get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I’m doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

“Jules?” I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. “Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be ‘kicking ass and taking names’.” He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “She also says hello and that we miss you.”

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. “Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am.” He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. “So, why am I here?”

“Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what’s going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,”

“Devi,” I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn’t say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

“Devi.” He says with a nod.

“So what’s wrong with her? It’s been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn’t her just having a cold or something simple like that.”

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn’t see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don’t see that changing. I’m pretty sure that’s what my brother is going to tell me, that she’s done.

Once again, I’m cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she’s gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn’t really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn’t. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

“Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies.”

I don’t know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren’t some big revelation, I’m sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn’t so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

Had to.

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn’t go. If she didn’t follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn’t care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don’t know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

“Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something.”

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

“We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn’t terminal…” He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain “...but it won’t be pleasant for her in the least.”

I nod slowly. “So what is it?”

“Her body is expelling poison and it’s anything but painless.”

“Poison?” I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. “Peace Serum, Eric. You’re aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn’t know how to function without it anymore.”

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that’s possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. “So what does that mean? She can’t continue can she?”

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

“That will be up to her ultimately, but she’s already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can’t say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn’t be continuing treatment. She’s staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible.”

“So she’s going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?” I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren’t many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted on the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that’s just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don’t know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it’s just bound to get worse and I can’t fucking handle that. “Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!”

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. “You know very well they’re going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…”

“I don’t!” I’m breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. “I can’t!”

Elijah’s beside me suddenly and I didn’t even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I’ve gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn’t healthy and I know he’s headed towards another lecture of that kind.

“Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?” I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

“Have I ever done that?” I can hear the hurt in his tone but don’t respond. If I do I’m just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I’m useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

“Eric,” He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, “It’s okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone.”

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. “Sure it is. ‘Cause that’s worked out so well for me in the past, hasn’t it, brother?”

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we’re still trying to heal between us. That’s kinda hard to do when I’ve refused to talk any more about it.

“I can’t apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won’t. You two love each deeply other and that’s never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It’s also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn’t make what you two share any less powerful.”

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. “But that wasn’t enough for me to stay, was it? I love her so much I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I’ve always thought.”

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He’s right I need to talk about this shit. I haven’t been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

“What’s that?” Eli prods me softly.

“That I’m not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don’t care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want.”

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

“I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them.”

I listen but I can’t believe the words. I’ve never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don’t exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it’s never been that you don’t and can’t care or love, Eric. It’s that when you do, it’s all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don’t love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you’re going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it’s meant to be.”

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I’m feeling.

I’ve forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren’t the same. It’s just that in my mind that doesn’t really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn’t something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn’t been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he’s dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

“How’s training going?”

“Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have.”

Eli frowns at me. “Did your amount change?”

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. “No, it’s still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group.”

“I take it someone is lower?.”

“Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears.” My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that’s causing me more uncertainty than he should be. “He’s a concern. I’ve heard some leaders and trainers saying they’re impressed by him. Rankings haven’t been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we’re neck and neck for first. I’m pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don’t foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears.”

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. “That’s an extremely low number. What faction is he from?”

I know where my brother’s train of thought has gone and I can’t say I didn’t immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton’s number of fears. In fact, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

“Abnegation,” I remark dryly and see him wince.

“It’s the Eaton kid?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. “I know what you’re thinking, Eric, but don’t do anything you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him.”

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. “It’s not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what’s expected of me. At some point, I’m going to be expected to have results for them.”

“That’s what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?” Eli demands from me fiercely.

“You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. This is how I save her. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?”

“Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?”

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he’s doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he’s being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

“How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you’re already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?”

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. “Don’t bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me.”

I want to punch walls but know we’re already shouting and that will draw attention we can’t afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

“I don’t have a lot of options here,” I whisper tiredly.

“No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they’re afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you.”

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’ll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line.”

“I’ve already started working on that. Jules too.”

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. “I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out.”

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren’t as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. “About the girl,”

“What about her?” I ask with a frown.

“I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all,” He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. “But you need to stay away from her, for now.”

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. “Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn’t going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?”

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. “No. Candice isn’t in Jeanine’s circle and wouldn’t want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn’t know I was called in from her, but that doesn’t mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper.”

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. “Like I said, it won’t be an issue.”

He responds with a resigned nod and I’m out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to win my place here that way just like I didn’t want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he’s done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they’re watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I’ll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I’m eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it’s so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn’t feel anything but seeing her is a relief. ‘Cause at least I know she’s alright.

So I’ll keep away, but I already know I won’t be able to stop myself from watching.

#fanfiction #divergent fanfiction #divergent au #eric coulter fanfiction #romance #smut #fluff #eric coulter #eric x oc #oc #jai courtney #diane guerrero #eric and devi are back #let's see how crazy eric is

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cryptidartist · 6 years ago

Text

Don’t you just love

when you

fuck up

really bad

and you piss someone off to where they hate you and blocked you on everything

and you cant apologize

and even if this happened two weeks ago

it still haunts ur mind like it happened 5 min ago

mild spoilers for bfa if u wanna read my rant but it’s either common knowledge that everyone knows already or just. really minor, and its just a brief mention

I’m not gonna name anyone cuz it’s mostly my fault and it’s just rude, but some of you may know who im talking about, if you do please dont say who because :/

so my last gm on horde side introduced me to my current guild, which is alliance, and i was like ‘hey cool, i can throw in an alt and maybe get back into alliance rp’ cuz i’d been meaning to do that for a while

bare in mind i foresaw myself sticking around in this horde guild for a while, everyone was really friendly and shit yknow, and my character fit in the fold perfectly and it was really cool! and I mean I do not have a great track record with guilds, at all. the longest I was in a guild was...three months? if that, usually they died or i just severely lost interest and /gquit (only one i ever actually said goodbye the others i just ninja quit, and i may have done it with this horde guild had i been given half a chance)

well i got beta, right, and i have no care about spoilers (only for games and shows/movies idgaf about though). you want to tell me about this new thing blizzard did and how shitty/great the writing is? great. tell me, im all ears. so between me half-assedly playing and just. various stories I heard about beta. I immediately started hating the horde

i’d been able to ignore the hordes actions since, like, yknow, i could spam level through it and the opening quests werent all that heavy yknow, i have no idea whats been going on in lore? i just make shit up as i go along and usually im pretty good with it

but uh between the tree and the battle for lordaeron - the latter being aggressively obvious and impossible to ignore - and the fact that apparently theyre making sandfury bad again >:| my baby troll >:| is good >:| she’s not an evil person that shanks u and leaves ur body in the sand >:| i just started hating the horde

i still love trolls and belves, but like? i was like uh no thanks im not gonna follow no bitch who does that to her own people and im like “i’ll go alliance”

well i started thinking because i love saraydrel, my main, way too much, i’d have her defect and go alliance! and it works out because in every war sara’s been neutral, she’s spent most of her time after becoming a belf (which she never wanted) down in booty bay hanging out with the other cutthroats pirates and mercenaries, so it’s really not that hard for her to choose a side, and so naturally she’s gonna choose alliance

however because she joined up with a military esque guild naturally that meant she’d be a ‘for the horde’ and so i did a short mention of this to my horde GM - who didn’t really? respond? and they actually said it might be able to work, something like that, there was no definite awnser but there was also no ‘no’ at the time.

so i got a little too excited and turned around and started the storyline where she defects and goes alliance to my new alliance guild, and she starts spying on the horde guild im in, and i mention it a couple times to the horde gm but im mostly talking to the alliance officer who i was doing the storyline with

unfortunately i only mention this a couple times right, and after one point where i had sara doing a scoutng mission and she was working on secretly sabatoging them (they were scouting redridge, because she knows illusions and they trusted her to not betray them she walked in there, and actually would have notified the guard about the nearby horde menace, yada yada yada yknow?) and she relayed the information to said alliance officer while giving the facts she heard when she walked into lakeshire but not the facts she’d made to reality to the horde scouting leader

well the officer asked me like ‘are you telling -horde gm- about all this’ and i did an ‘oh shit’ moment because i’d forgotten to update her so i go to message them like ‘yo im really sorry, i fucked up and forgot to update you oocly about this’

well, they said they weren’t okay with Sara spying on the guild, and I was like ‘hey, okay, I’ll go ahead and stop, and if you want I can retcon everything I've done so far’ and I mean. i did. I told the people in my party who were doing the scouting mission like ‘okay just. What all Sara said was true, and she didn’t tip anyone off, etc. etc.’ and I mean. that was the first real thing I’d done so that should've been all I needed to fix, and I could still have had Sara help with the campaign and as they left she could've slipped back up to Redridge or Duskwood and into alliance territory and she would’ve been gone

but an officer of the horde guild logged in and kicked me and I was like ‘oh well okay understandable, maybe just say she was found out, and she had to escape, or she was exiled smth like that’

at this point, things go to shit, because the horde gm told me nothing on just how upset they were and the alliance gm is messaging me like ‘fix this, explain to them this was your idea,’ etc. etc. and the horde kicked me from the guild discord with no warning there (we had a heretic rank for the alliance members in that disc, they couldn’t see all the guild info, but they could chat and stuff in like general chat, so I was a little confused)

well I’d never sent them a friends request so at this point I sent them one, (actually, it’s a minute or so after I sent the request that the alliance gm messages me with that) and so in confusion and an inability to talk to them I message them over Tumblr and

after that I was blocked, and at this point I'm panicking because I couldn't send them a message and explain that yes okay I fucked up and I can try and fix it, I just made someone hate someone else who had nothing to do with my fuckup, and for such a small mistake that seemed so easily rectifiable and still leave the guild in good terms it honestly seemed like an overreaction

I mean I know I got over excited for a plotline that couldve been really interesting and that’s really no excuse I know and i know i fucked with their guild especially during a time where everything was going to shit in their real life and its just....i cant stop feeling like shit between me making them hate someone they were friends with, and someone who had nothing or at least very little to do with what I did and I mean, it just hurt that I couldn’t explain myself at the very least or give them an apology

, but i know it probably hurt more for them and i fucked up and even though everyone tells me that they’re the one who’s wrong for overreacting it’s still i started this mess and im the root of the problem and it just might be me being a crybaby but i cant get this guilt out of my head and it probably won’t go away until i can apologize and at least have the chance to repair the friendship that i broke (although i dont thing the alliance gm is up for that, but still)

and this happened 2 weeks ago and im just like. this is fine. can u get out of my head now b/c they hate me and they wont stop

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heavyyhearts-blog · 7 years ago

Text

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long. another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

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uchhu · 7 years ago

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Looking for some advice

god this got long

I’m the president of an organization at my school, and I’m having some problems with one of the Vice Presidents (we have 2)

The whole business of the organization started last spring, which is how I met the vice president (Ill call her T), and we got along well, she was actually the person that I spent the most time with out of everyone and everything was going well.

Over the summer things stated getting bust for the five of us in charge of said organization (5 of us total, Me, T, another Vice President (A), Treasurer (B), and Secretary(C)). Events needed to be planned, budgets needed to be set, paperwork needed to be done, it got pretty stressful, especially for me because as President I had to go the extra mile to make sure everything was happening that needed to happen.

T has done several things that have not only added onto my stress, but have made me upset, and Im worried about how this is going to end.

Problematic things are as stated

1. B and I stayed up very late one night to but everyone into committees, everyone completed the forms we asked them, all but one girl who is closest to T, therefore B and I put her in whatever committee still needed people in them after we sorted everyone else. The next morning T asked me to put her friend in said committee, and when I told her it was full and that she didn't turn in the form she was supposed to, she made excuses and said that nobody in the committee wanted to be there, which I took seriously because again B and I spent a lot of time sorting everyone, and when I looked everyone who was in it explicitly asked to be put there on their form, T lied to me in hopes that it would convince me to put her friend in the committee

2. The five of us were supposed to have a meeting on skype to discuss event plans, everyone was there but T, she joined the call for 15 min then left to eat and sleep. The rest of us stayed on that call for a long time, and we didn't finish until about 2 am. During this call we came up with event ideas of the organization and we were each put in charge of pricing out an event. A and C spent a long time finding materials and pricing everything out for their event. A few days later T complained that she didn't get to have any input in what we were doing, and for the sake of getting things done A and C let her take over their event. This didn't sit well with me because she voluntarily left our meeting, the rest of us did what we needed to do, and now that it was convenient for her she just jumped back in and took over other peoples things, which I know she would be livid if someone did that to her, but A and C let it go, so I did too.

3. We decided that having out meeting on a school day made the most sense, since not everyone lives on campus it makes more sense for everyone to get together when we’re all here already right? T thinks otherwise, she wants us to have the meetings on Sundays, which makes no sense since that means other people will have to make an extra trip over here on the weekend. She insists that she remembers some people wanted Sunday meetings, I know this isnt true but just to humor her I ask if anyone wants to have them on Sundays, nobody but her wants Sunday meetings. The real reason shes pushing for Sunday is because shes busy during the week, so because SHES busy, she wants all of us to accommodate. Nah.

4. The five of us have another meeting to solidify the days of our events, the obvious first choice is Fridays, followed by Thursdays (Most classes are on MWF) and then Saturdays. T says that’s not a good idea, “people have tests on Thursdays”, read as “I have tests on Thursdays”, because how is she going to know when everyone else has tests. Fridays and Saturdays are bad too because “Some people go home on the weekend”. There are two types of people who go to this school, people that live here, hours away from their families, and people who are from the area who still live with their families, nobody is going on spontaneous trips home for the weekend, not to mention this stupid excuse contradicts her wanting Sunday meetings.

4. We have paperwork that needs to be signed by our adviser, T know our adviser better than anyone else among us because T did research with her over the summer, so we asked her to get with her to have it signed, T agrees to get it done. Today T sends me a text, to summarize, she doesn't want to meet with our adviser because she doesn't have time to do research this semester and doesn't want our adviser to ask her about it, so now shes trying to get me to do it. This is literally the only responsibility T has been given in months, and shes trying to push it off on me because she doesn't want to. I tell her I cant because I’m going to be busy for the rest of this week and next week, and she asks “You dont have any time at all to meet with her?”. I push back and tell her no, I just told you I didn't, if you dont have time to do research then TELL HER THAT and just get the paper signed, I did the rest of the paperwork by myself and I cant do it all alone

Im concerned because shes lied to me and, shown that she is not dependable, and she is self centered, going so far as to try to get the schedule of the entire organization to revolve around her availability, and I cant deal with all of that while trying to run this thing

Also concerned because all of these things piss me off, but I dont know how to bring it up to her that wont result in some kind of falling out, which is something I dont want because right now there’s only about 20 of us and if something goes wrong between us everyone will notice. But on the other hand I have a tendency to hold everything until I burst and that wont be pretty

So I just want some tips and/or advise on how to go about dealing with all of this while causing the least amount of damage.

#if you read all of this im sorry and thank you

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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i have a feeling that i broke up with him.

i could just be reading it the wrong way but i also kind of thought i read it the wrong way last night.

theres no denying he was upset. he was definitely upset. i asked him outright, “what does all of this mean?” and he replied “i dont know”.

i thought that was strange. i thought if i were in his shoes and i was fed up then this would be the opportunity to break up entirely. i wouldnt say i dont know. i’d be like is it not clear enough. i’m not doing this anymore with you. whatever we are ceases to be now. i asked outright - what does all of this mean. why am i getting this rant. am i getting it because this is your end speech or because you want to rant and get it off your chest.

“i dont know”.

honestly i have done this before. and the last time meant i want to try something different and realize this is better. i dont know is poison and toxic and unfair. i should not be strung along.

he said he wanted to be left alone. he needed space. but im tired of this relationship as it is. i cannot continue this and not seriously damage my soul. he felt i wasnt listening to him, that i was making excuses for my bad attitude that makes him feel bad. that things hadnt changed in two years and he wanted space and then he hung up.

its very hard to gauge whether or not this meant an absolution. like space meant forever and we’d never be together again. this wasnt what was said. this is what i felt was implied. i dont know if im right or wrong because the actual words did not really confirm one way or another.

but this was enough for me. it didnt really matter if he was actually done becaue at that moment i had decided i was done.

and i unleashed a rant that has never been spoken of before by me because it is the number one thing i have kept inside for literally two years. this is “the secret”. this is the thing he has never known or understood to any capacity and has no idea the affect it has on my mental heath.

thats not to say he is at fault for my depression. i made a concious consenting decision to be apart of a relationship i knew was struggling to meet my actual wants and needs in life. i dont know if i ever fully believed that it could but i sincerely wanted it to. like nothing more i wanted was for this to work out an i was willing to live in a more alternative kind of way for him.

but at every single turn, at every single point this was ever brought up it continually dashed my hopes at a legitimate stable future with him. and nothing else was ever openly spoken about. i wa never apart of the conversation. other people were more apart of the future than i was. i was just a fly on the wall. i felt like a fly on the wall, i felt really insignificant and i allowed him to say things to me that were absolutely wrong and disgusting for any person in a relationship to say to someone else.

i acted on pure instinct and let it go; i aske him why he would ask me to follow him. why would he continue a relationship that had no future. why does he say things during sex that dont relate to the actual life i have with him and why doesnt he understand that this has sent mixed messages for two years. why cant he see the ony thing ive consistently said i wanted was a life with someone. i wanted a future with someone. i wanted to be with someone. i wanted a fucking reason to live within my own desires for life. and he never gave me that because all he gave me was money and he doesnt even see whats happening because hes too busy trying to get something back for all the money hes put out. its like he is where he is right now because he has all these arbitrary rules eeryone hs to follow in order to interact with him and their reward is a mediorce friendship where they still hve to follow all the rules to maintain it. its completely unfair when ive given him nothing but love and respect and i just hated myself enough to follow these bullshit rules without saying anything until now.

and then i stopped. it was a blast of seven or so short messages - no long rants or over explaination. just straight forward completely plain and simple. i spent a long time writing 50 pages that in reality didnt sum up what i was able to in these messages but maybe i needed to write 50 pages to be able to sum it up. i bn a way, i didnt even need a response. this was just for me after two years of holding back an sayng nothing - this was an ending for me. i gave him two years of my dedicated love and affection and loyalty and support. this is what i wanted in return. i just needed to say it.

and i wouldve sat on it as that for the next few days. i sat down afterwards upset that i was involved in a conflict at all but not upset about the ending of this era. to be fair to the randomness of life, i wont say its an end to the relationship or a relationship with him because who knows but its certainly an end of this era of keeping this huge secret that affected the entire way the relationship played out. but its not like this really bad secret. its not me trying to harm him. my secret was that i loved him so much i wanted to be with him for 10 - 20 years and i wanted to be in his life and do things with him and become a better person with him and for him and for myself. but i knew he didnt want that. he said it multiple times. but we stil ended up at two years in a solid relationship together. a solid relationship tht had literally no future from the moment it started. and that’s really, really hard. i blame neither of us. we were really excellent to each other in this relationship by most standards. we had very little complaints about each other and the ones we had kind of remained consistent from the time we met each other. and neither of us changed these traits. but how do you give p something that kind of does work for the most part? like my laptop is pretty shit but im not tring to throw it out because it still works in most aspects. it just has some quirks that piss me off.

but non-commitment is not a quirk. its a really big deal. its a really big deal to put two years of your life into someone and not see a future or want a future with them throughout the whole thing.

i figured he wouldnt reply at all. a few hours went by before he replied “im sorry. i guess we’ll see if the future will prove your theory” and then “good night. you do not get to harass me because you’re upset.”

at the time i quickly read this as a sort of passive aggressiveness. like “oh, i’mmmm sorrrrryyy you feel this way but whatever fuck you.” i got angry again. i didnt know why he was replying and why this reply was so ambiguous and mentioned nothing in regards to what i said. why reply at all? two hours later? about harassing him? that really makes no sense when i sent an appropriate number of messages nd then stopped within probaby less than fifteen minutes. it wasnt like i spammed him with non sense, i simply texted in a way i would anyone else and didnt stick to his format of how to text him. but again - why reply at all?

i told him if he wanted to belittle my actual thoughts to just me harassing him thats up to him but i was good on talking to him tonight. he replied, “i dont want to speak anymore.”

to which i replied of course because ive pulled the blanket off of this whole thing. he knows that i know that this is bullshit, he knows that i want more and have said i wanted more and hes continued to act the way he does and say the things he does with nothing behind it. of course he doesnt want to speak anymore to answer to any of this. hes too insecure to admit that he had a hand in the failure of this and wants to blame it on me.

i stopped after ten minutes or so. its not like constant messages ten minutes straight but it took me ten minutes to fully type out and send the three or four messages it took to express myself. it wasnt like an hour of my time dedicated to doing this.

but then i kind of read back on it. and it is ambiguous. its very much still in the lines of “i dont know.” because he chose not to attack me or what i said. he could decide he just oesnt have the time to care about it anymore. that hes not going to dignify it with a response. but why acknowledge it. why say something like “im sorry.”. was he sarcastically replying like lets see if youre right and if so - how does that apply to what i actually said? is that in regards to the idea that i believe what i need is having someone in my life? i didnt really insult him - the worst i said was about his arbitrary rules.

and “i dont want to speak anymore”. i sound crazy because he makes people sound crazy on purpose. but ive explained it that i know im being played, i know this is a game and i never want to play it again, ever. i’m ending the game once and for all - either the game stops and we have a future together or the game stops and we dont. either way the game is stopping. he did not say “i dont want to speak to YOU anymore”. it souns crazy. it sounds like im reading into it but i have not been wrong before. and this is not because i want to be with him as is. i dont. my assumption is things are not changing and this is the end times or i would not have said what i said. i would PREFER closure. i would much rather have him outright say “i cannot have a life with you, i dont see myself with you in the future, i may or may not love you but i am going to live a different life.”

and to be fair, i deserve that closure.

“im sorry. only the future can prove your theory”

“good night. you do not get to harass me because youre upset”

“i dont want to speak anymore.”

the only thing he neede to say was “i’m done. i’m no longer going to be apart of this. no relationship, no future.”

what is my theory? my theory is that he had no plans for me in his future. that he has never truly had plans and hs never spoken openly about having a future with me but he’s been more than capable of making future plans with others. and a good portion of the reason why he refuses to make any plans is due to not following his arbitrary rules to be his friend. thats my theory. hes depressed because he puts these rules on every single person in his life and ive hated myself eough to follow them knowing it was outlandish. but when you dont follow the rules its a real insult to him an you dont care and youre being inconsiderate of him and what he wants in this.

my theory is that im extremely unhappy doing this. im extremely unhappy getting money without love. without a future. he truly made this into a 2 year prostitution. and he somehow sells this to me as him just feeling bad you know. he felt too bad to do it because things always come up and he cant talk about being upset. so two years of prostitution was a much better solution.

so how can the future prove this theory? how can it prove that he had no plans for me in his future? that cannot be proven unless you DO have plans. unless i am actually apart of the plans. to apologize is to acknowledge that im not wrong. that what im saying is true belief and that i didnt pull this out of my ass and im not making an excuse for it. i was sold, continually, on something that was never provided. empty things were said. this is truly heartbreaking. to say im sorry is to say that im not wrong to feel this way.

of course he feels “harassed”. its all he can do in response to this. hes not going to get into it now - he cant just fall back on how he feels about my attitude and hes not secure enough to take his part of the blame. he has to tell me im harassing him, that he believes im upset.

and its so easy to read “im not speaking anymore” as a fuck you. it really is. but when you put it into this context - that i attacked him, that i’m now clearly incredibly upset about something that is very much of a reality in our relationship and has been for a long time - to say “i dont want to speak anymore” could very well be more like “im not going to speak anymore”. that he knows im upset and hes not going to fuel it any further. that he knows hes gotten himself into this by talking a lot of shit before this so speaking even more isnt going to solve it.

but by all means i could be wrong. i could be completely wrong and its just me assuming we’re still in this game when he’s already left it. i dont know. we love each other a lot, i honestly believe that, and neither of us has done anything at all to eachother in two years that was malicious or mean. everything that comes up is in regards to how someone is dealing with whatever is going on. we dont have bad feelings about each other.

since it was my birthday i ignored his rules further and sent a final three messages before midnight. i think as my anger subsided from being attacked, i began to realize that he might not have been as on the defensive as i believed him to be. so i softened a bit - not that i wanted to “get him back”. i dont really want him as is. i love him but fuck man its tooooo painful. instead i just explained much more calmly that i was really disappointed and heartbroken and all i ever told him was that i wanted a family and to share a life with someone. i screamed this at him because its all i want in life and i live in a way with him where its dangled in front of me all the time but its not actually there and it kills me because i love him and i want to be with him and i want to have that life with him and i dont need luxuries and i would follow him. but this has weighed so heavily on my depression when my depression is feeling alone and isolated in the world. i could have put the effort into someone who wouldnt leave me in two years because im frustrated they dont really want to be with me but are still fucking with me. you couldve let me find happiness somewhere else but you didnt.

i told him i would never think of him as a bad guy or abusive. i dont think is shittier traits equate abuse. i would never sell that idea to anyone else so i can be more of a victim or something. he wasnt a bad guy and he certainly was not abusive. but he can be controlling and manipulative. these are not star qualities and do as much damage as someone having to cre for someone else with depression. i think we are both equally responsible for the hurt in this relationship but i have no resentment or feeling of needing to be vindicated. i took responsibility for my own actions - not speaking up sooner or being more straight forward when this was affecting pretty much everything.

this morning i woke up feeling uneasy. i realize now its because i didnt get closure. it wasnt a real breakup. i didnt have any plans to get my stuff back. i have his skates and his mothers skates. he has extremely sentimental items to me that are only there because of an empty promise he made and never fulfilled. the game continues. he knows my part of the game is to return everything. he knows i want a clean break. i want to be told “im not doing this anymore, i will drop off your things at such and such time and im not interested in having further discussions with you about the relationship”. the return of things is a sign of respect and also not to further the issue along. i dont want to see you in a month to collect shit from a former relationship. i want to come tomorrow, get my shit and forget you exist. im doing yu the same favor. why prolong it.

so i decied to make the super extreme cold trek to his house but it was good. i really needed to take a walk and get fresh air and it was super cold but i didnt freeze. i collected some of the things i borrowed from him but i returned some thngs that were kind of just momentos of the relationship. and that was my own manipulation tactic. i really want to double down on the fact that in my mind he has already ended the relationship and i am sooo hurt and feel sooo badly/strongly about the whole thing. i returned a picture. ive kept the picture for almost the whole relationshp through various moves. ive lost keys and wallets and cellphones in the time of having this picture and its a really nice picture of us but man is it painful as fuck to look at it. i certainly dont want it when this relationship was built on a two year farce.

i returned flowers - which is funny but dried flowers i kept when he bought me flowers. because in such manipulation tactic i want him to know that he and this was of such importance to me that i kept dried flowers he bought me. i returned something he never owned or even bought or would maybe even understand why i would give it to him. i bought / made a necklace over christmas that had our birthstones in it. i dont know why. it was like the one hopeless romantic thing ive done in my life. i returned that because im pissed. he literally had no idea probaby that this necklace existed. but im pissed and the only gesture appropriate eough to express the level of heartbroken anger i have is to return a necklace i made that he didnt even know existed. its not even returning. i gave him a necklace. i gave him back a book i borrowed from him like.. three months into dating. i returned the last sweater i borrowed that i have in my possession.

as a whole this symbolizes that at this moment, i no longer have things to return. i am not keeping things as a romantic gesture. i am literally giving him everything back. his mind, his peace, his material posessions and the “love” that he’s provided to me. i am giving him back, with all of these things, the piece of his heart he gave to me. it was very small but im really just going to return it as unharmed as possible.

but i shifted control and put the ball back in his court. i was “expected” to “give him space”. i always am. but i can give you space forever if you just return my things, you know? like dont let me sit here wondering when the guy who refuses to alk to me might give me one of the few posessions i have thats a family relic. thats really fucked up. you can end it completely and have all of the space in the world. and he’ll make excuses either way - he’ll bide time until he wants to deal with it because he can do what he wants or he’ll bide time to let everything simmer down to try and reignite something.

i messaged him a final time - well for me at least, for the next day or so. i personally really honestly got everything out i would need or want to say to him. i have no more questions. this is it. this is the most IT of all the things. everthing else is meaningless. i even went to insult him our of pure anger and in anger deleted it because thats not even my problem. i dont need to insult him to make him feel bad my objective is not to make him feel bad but for him to fucking understand once and for all that he ignored every single request i ever made for what i actually needed to feel content in my life. he took up space that someone else could have been in that actually wanted to be with me long term. and to what end? that was my question. TO WHAT END DID ALL OF THIS HAPPEN? WHY? why would someone put themselves through this with zero commitment and then become frustrated after playing like they were committed for two years? you cannot brush off ther seriousness of it being so long now. its not a fling. we both made choices. i am telling you why i made mine. i am telling you that i “knew” you were not going to give me what i want and i continued to consent to being in a relationship with no fucking future because i loved you. why the fuck did you do it when you werent getting what you fully wanted either? was this all just a game? a way to pass the time? an inconvient time? did he just pity me? did he use me? why did we go an entire two years when my depression caused by feeling isolated and unloved because i lived on the sidelines of the life of a person i spent the majority of my time with was making me feel sooo jaded and bitter at times that i sat completely frustrated or got into arguments where im sobbing about wanting a family like an after school special? i KNOW thats stressful. i GET IT. but WHAT ABOUT THE CAUSE? im not just freaking out to freak out. all these little things throw into question any legitimacy of a fuuture with him and hes spent two months talking about leaving and im not even remotely involved and he wonders why i have a bad attitude towards him? he wonders why i wont take his advice outright? all you’re doing is telling me whats wrong with me and leaving. you’re essentially a troll. the only way your words have any true impact is if you’re apart of my actual life. not right now. not just in the now the current day. but my lifetime, like a legitimate care and deep understanding of who i am and what ive been through with an unconditional love and forgiveness for failures and missteps. you want me to become better because you want to watch me become better, you want to see me alleviate my suffering, not because you’re scared and feel obligated like i’m a homeless person sitting on your front step.

this is all i want to know. and i may not get an exact answer as to why it happened. but i will get an exact answer to whether he believed/s there was/is a future together for us. ive made it so easy not to commit in any certain way. but now it cannot continue in any fashion without a commitment to a future. i dont want to be on my life journey with someone whos not even sure if theyll be there. like every corner they might take another road. thats so much instability its weighed so fucking heavy on me like the only thing i want is this and its not happening.

if he replies to my message today or makes an effort to return my things today then i know hes moving forward without me. it means hes definitely not dealing any further and hes removing all reason to contact him further. if he does not contact me today it means that all of this is so heavy and so painful for him that he cannot deal and hes not sure what he wants or how he wants to deal with it so hes not going to touch it right now. it means hes not ready to remove reason to contact him. he wants the chance to keep this going to a point where he can make a decision.

i made it very clear i just wanted the sentimental items. this is what would weigh on me the most from here and they were very important. i manipulatively mentioned that i had not cheated on him or called the cops on him for no reason to further distance myself from the idea that i was somehow like his exs. seriously. i am sad because i am isolated. i am isolated because of him. without him i would meet new and different people who may or may not help me further my life but he has made even new friendships hard on me. he wanted all of my attention and love and care and i wanted to give it to him and then he wouldnt want it but then want it again and im just so tired. im not a bad person. im fucking sad and lonely. i could be fulfilled by him but he wont give it to me.

i told him we could have a conversation if he wanted to but my assumption woul be that he did not want to. i was giving him the option to be peaceful about it. to just end it copacetically so we could hide and lick our wounds seperately in private. his silence would speak so much more to me than words in this situation because i would know he was very much done. but im not going to shut down communication. im going to leave it open for him and let him know that he still has the door shut on his side.

if he doesnt message me back today im going to message him again tomorrow and essentially repeat that i would like to make a plan to have this returned to me asap. and that im also still genuinely just hurt but have no reason myself to continue trying to make something out of this that was never going to be. hes had two years to decide if he would want me in his future, it shouldnt take longer than two days to reply to ending it.

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aesthetic-yehet · 7 years ago

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I wish I never got an abortion..

Hey whoever reads this..

It may help you or someone else, you may even feel like this doesnt apply to you, but I just have to get it off my chest. I will go over my story and things girls in my previous situation really shouldn't do and what you should :)

My circumstances were at the time was, I was 16, had no qualifications, didnt have any type of job or type of income towards my name. I was dependant on my mother. I was also a very reckless person. Fucking whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, doing things I shoudn't of. But on the other side of things I was very good academically and had a fairly good amount of friends.

Obviously I got pregnant...briefly after my 16th birthday..lol. I had a feeling I was pregnant 2 days before my period started, I told the guy and he was like dont say that, dont worry about it too much your period will come. Next thing you know, 2 weeks later my friend steals 3 pregnancy tests for me and they all come out positive.

So Im like fuuuuucckk on the inside, but on the outside I was extremely calm, it was a bit worrying to others. So I called my cousin after and I told her my situation. I feel like people would question why not tell my mum. Well one shes black, two shes come from an extremely strict Caribbean background, so they way she approaches situations is not really to my liking. (I would basically shit myself and I know I would get kicked out if I had any guts to tell her). My cousin and I then the two days after went to a hospital and finally confirmed I was pregnant. Funny fact: When I went to the hospital, well the clinic part of it, the "guy" was there, not like as if he knew it was just a coincidence that we ended sitting in the same waiting room.

I discussed with my cousin at first about what I was going to do. I was certain that I was going to keep the baby. I hated abortions with a passion. How hypocritical of me. I am against abortions but thats for me, that my personal opinion. It doesnt mean that I hate other people that do it, they can go ahead its none of my business. But for me it never really sat well, I didnt like the idea of it. And neither did my cousin. She said she was going to support me and help me get temporary accomadation if I was to get kicked out. I was going to research to continue onwards with further educations alongside having a child at a very young age. You know the whole dingle-bingle.

later that night, I called the "guy" and I told him straight up. And at first he was ok with it. He was like hes not going to force me to do anything and he left it at that. So I was a bit relieved that he said that instead of saying get rid of it. Considering the other reactions to similar situations, the boys I know, they'd straight up get theyre niggas and beat the girl to the pulp to kill the baby. And really and truly that "guy" was extremely capable of doing that but he chose not to.

So a few days pass and I'm really happy but worried at the same time. I had told certain friends, which led to my whole school knowing. One thing that shouldnt be done no matter hooooow big mouthed you are. Dont fucking trust anyone because...just no. So that really wasnt comfortable with me. People asking questions, it was very overwhelming. Plus at the same time dealing with my depression and anxiety, it just didnt add up well. Definitely one sitaution a pregnant women shouldnt go through.

So..later after school finished. Im at home and the guy calls pissed because everyone knew. And everyone could connect it back to him because we had a history. Like everyone had an idea that we was fucking. I feel like it was embarassing for him because he was in Year 13 and I was in Year 11. So then I was apologetic for opening my mouth to certain people that I had trusted. So he then continued onwards to saying "I think you should get the abortion." I was so gutted but I was also thinking about it. He proceeded to explain that he again wasnt forcing me but he was presenting me the situation on both sides of the spectrum. For both me and him. He explained that for me, It wouldve been hard to do my gcses because I wouldve been atleast 5 months, I would probably get kicked out, my life would come to a halt as I would need to take care of a baby, I wouldnt be able to pursue a career I wanted because of the huge responsibility. For him, the fact that he was from a muslim background wouldve make his family put him to shame once they found out and either way regardless if he didnt want to look after the baby he'd have to. I then told him that I dont need him. Considering my background of not really having a father figure I definitely felt like I could look after a baby on my own. He proceeded to say that he'd need to support me plus going to uni. But then again he said hes not going to force me. At this point if I was to put it into a percentage Abortion 5% / Keep the baby 95%

After that talk, talks with him got more frequent as he tried to persuade me to get an abortion. He told me bout single mothers at my age that are addicted to drugs and consdiering where we lived it wasnt a good area to bring up a baby. He told me about how he sees so much potential in me and that this situation would just stop it and distract me from becoming successful. And I completely understood where he was coming from. I wasnt going to be irrational and refuse to listen to his arguements. I then thought about it to myself and I just reached the decision that because he made more sense I would get the abortion. I mean how would I support myself and a child, provide food and shelter and continue in education. It all seemed impossible to me. But then there was me saying that because I put myself in that situation I must take responsibility and that god would never make me go through something I couldnt handle. So at the this moment the table have turned and I was now 100% abortion.

I told my cousin about my change in decision and she was extremely upset and told me that when I do decide to do it that she didnt want to be present. Which was completely understanding. So I told my sister and because she was in a similar situation to mine when she was 16, she was able to help me. Which is what I advise to any women that wants to get an abortion is to never go through with it alone, regardless if you think you're a heartless person, make sure someone is supporting you some how. I then told my mentor at school, and she was trying to tell me not to get it but I was certain that I was going to get. Another thing, telling a teacher figure, isnt a bad idea. It really should be a teacher or someone along those lines that you know you have a good relationship with or you know is a helpful person. I dont know how much I preached to my mentor not to tell anyone that would tell my mum. So she had to abide by that. I got through the whole process of getting an appointment to discuss what would happen. To making the appointment for the abortion. Organising who would go with me. And in the mean time I was going through complications at about 2 months. There was a chance that I was going through an abdominal pregnancy due to pains I was experiencing. Luckily that wasnt the case and I was just stressing way to much.

So before the day of the abortion, the guy and me talk and he sounded relieved that I was going to get the abortion. He said to me that he would even come with me, to the clinic so that I wouldnt go through it alone. I briefly felt happy about me decision because he was happy. (I hope you see what Im getting at).

I was out of most of my lessons, talking with my mentors, I really did take advantage of that but constantly talking to someone instead of me overthinking about it and getting even more depressed was really helpful. Dont get me wrong I had many of my close friends supporting me, regardless of my decisions.

So the day of the abortion, I go with my auntie, I get my test done for STDS. That was clear. I get a scan. This was the most offputting thing to see. I literally fucked up my brain. The lady printed out the picutre and I saw the baby. That was in my body, in a uterus. I felt some type of connection but I quickly tried to push it aside. I know now at that moment I shouldve walked out the door. But I stayed. So then my sister had to come because my aunty had to go somewhere and it finally came to the point of taking the pills.

I'm not a doctor so I dont know the names but the procedure was to insert three or four pills up the vagina and thats it. I did that procedure because I couldnt go through the vaccuming method, just no. So as soon as I left the clinic small pains were coming through. And the pain killers that I was given wasnt no paracetomol, it was codeine. So I knew that I was gonna go through a shit amount of pain. The method I went through was inducing a miscarrage. My sister put me on the train I could go back home and I sit and process what I had just done. I was around about 20 people trying not to cry but tears was just falling out my eyes. I wish I couldve gone back and not inserted those pills. Before I got to my stop I just thought to myself its done now just leave it now. So I get home now and I need to pee. And a gush a blood just came. And I was curious so I looked at the toilet and I saw the placenta. As if it was ripped out of me. So I processed it again, I was basically flushing my baby down the toilet. Like wtf right? At this point the pain was just unbearable. I couldnt even stand. I was sitting on the toilet for a good hour before I went to lay down in my bed.I didnt want to move but I had to pick up my niece. The walk to my nieces school from my house was about 5 minutes and I had to beg one of the parents at the club to drive me home and help me inside.

Quickly I took the pills and the pain calmed down. My mum thought I was going through a period. The school let me take off as much time as I wanted. Even though I was offered counselling I declined. I shouldve accepted but I felt like I needed to go through this alone. I only talked to the guy once after. I literally felt like I was in a box. I took about 3 weeks off school. Pain for me lasted about 1 week to 2 before my actual period started. So I was in and out of hospital because the pain normally supposed to last 4 days. Nothing was wrong with me so I felt like it was God punishing me with more pain. And that was it.

After that, I acted like it never happened. Tried to continue on with life but my life was just going downhill before my eyes.If youre wondering I passed my GCSES and got 6 A-C.That was literally the only positive. And to me my life is still going downhill at this moment. Briefly after healing up, I got exposed multiple times, with pictures, but I didnt pay any mind to it. I got raped, but I didnt realise I got raped till my closest friends were telling me that I had. I didnt see it as rape but considering the whole situation, it was. I felt like because I put myself in that situation It wasnt rape. I was getting therapy but I wasnt saying what I wanted to say because it was therapy with my mum. Our relationship had deteoriorated extremely. And thats not because she knew. She didnt until about 9 months later.I had met someone that made me the happiest person, despite our disputes, I was still happy. He made me feel important while I was in this downward spiral. And turns out we was both toxic. It ended terribly. I was willing to do unthinkable things just to get him back in my life and thats when I realised that I had reached my peak.

Right now even though it still seems to me that my life is going downhill, its not as steep. Im more happy, Im getting help. My mum knows more but not everything.Im happy with that. Im still bunking lessons, but its just when I feel extremely low. But it just occurred to me that right now well lets say today, if I had gone through a full term and given birth, my baby wouldve been 2 months old. And that really aches in my heart. I had recently found the picture of my scan again and it just really made me think. Why on earth did I get that abortion? And I thought hard about it. And I realised how my brain was working back then compared to now. I was trying to make the guy happy , I wasnt being selfish. In that situation , you have to be selfish, dont care bout nobody else but YOURSELF. But im my mind I wanted him to be happy about my decision, I didnt want to disappoint him, so I got the abortion. I think about it now and I wish I wouldve had my baby. If I was thinking like how I am right now, my baby wouldve been in my arms. And now I know that my mum wouldve helped me and I was wrong the whole time about my mum lashing out. I had this all bottled up inside of me and I have been getting these suicidal thoughts, but I been there and done that. Its not a route I want to revisit.

All I am stressing here. Is that regardless of your situation, You need to think real fucking hard before you decide to get an abortion. I know right now that I will regret this for the rest of my life. So I really dont want more girls to go through this. Think before you do anything.

First thing first is wrap it up for fuck sake!

If you dont wrap it up and get pregnant, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

If you dont believe in god then think to yourself. You can wake up everyday and you've experience your happiest and lowest days. You've seen single mothers or dads that look after their children and even though through the struggle they are still happy. You can handle it. Even if you dont think you can I dont know how to stress, regardless of the situation your in you can handle it. But if you think you cant then you need to have someone. Even if its someone online that you could talk to (be careful though) at least you have some sort of support. There are phone lines that allow you speak and they listen and advise you. We are in the fucking age where we can do that. We are so advantaged!

Please think before you get an abortion because the last thing you want to come to mind and eventually come out of your mouth is

"I wish I never got an abortion"

Sorry this is so long.. If anyone needs advice on literally anything, doesnt need to be about abortions, just slide im dms.. Sharing will help aswell so more people can see and advise others. A post can do so much. But I can do so little and just share my story and hope that hopefully Im helping someone who thinks that theyre by themselves.

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