#so im testing that out with writing
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Stucky blurb
cw for graphic depiction of Bucky's arm pre amputation + more or less canon depictions of violence
He wakes up in a snowbank, cold having seeped through to his bones long ago, it seems. As he comes more and more aware he also becomes more aware that his left arm is completely numb, and when he looks at it there isn't even much there to look at.
He's lost most of his arm, save for shreds of muscle and skin and shattered bone, everything nearly blue black from his shoulder down. That terrifies him, Bucky thought he'd seen everything. And now here he is, laying in the freezing cold snow wishing beyond wishing that he could hug Steve one last time before he dies of fucking Hypothermia.
Not blood loss, he's pretty sure his body is too cold to even try to keep blood pumping in what's left of his left arm, he can't feel his still intact fingers or his toes. He stares up at the bridge that he'd fallen from, realizing it's completely illogical that he survived the fall with just a mangled arm.
That's when he zeros in on the sound of footsteps crunching in the snow, he wonders how long he's been there, laying limp and unconscious in the snow. It looks like it's nearly nightfall, and he realizes he's been here for at least eight hours. He doesn't want to think about the fact that he might not have even fallen from the bridge today. The fact that he has absolutely no idea how long he was out.
Then there are agents dressed in all black surrounding him, little emblems of octopus on their uniforms. He realizes too late it's HYDRA, the very people they'd been trying to eradicate. And suddenly the strange happenings that have occured since Steve saved him from that wretched place that smelt damp and like his own blood make sense. They'd changed him.
He's not alive now out of luck, he's not lying there in the snow with not a scratch on him besides his arm being torn to shreds because he's lucky. No, that scientist had a plan for him. He realizes and feels sick with it as the soldiers start to get him prepared for transport, he's not completely sure he wants to know where he's going.
He wishes he had the courage to kiss Steve. Just once. To hell with the law against queers, to hell with Steve's Catholic descent. To hell with it all. If James Buchanan Barnes could go back in time, even just a day, he would take Steven Grant Rogers by the collar and kiss him so hard they see stars. If only.
No, instead he's being lifted into a truck and taken away. Taken to his imminent doom, he doesn't know what they'll do with him, but he knows it'll be nothing good, and he is rendered immobile by the frost bite that's undoubtedly nipping at his extremities. He's not ready for when he can feel what's left of his arm.
He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to get very used to not knowing. People, places, things... Himself.
#starchild writes#oh my gosh hes actually writing guys#i realized with drawing if i dont force myself to finish things i draw more cause i dont feel like i HAVE to do it perfect#so im testing that out with writing#expect a lot of stucky angst..#sorry#mcu stucky#stucky#mcu bucky barnes#mcu steve rogers#mcu fandom#marvel mcu#mcu#marvel cinematic universe#marvel characters#marvel#steve rogers#james bucky barnes#stevebucky#bucky barnes#blurb#mini fic#i dont remember the word im trying to tag#ugh#angsty#angst
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Here is the slut.
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#my art#glenn close#i have to wake up at 5 and write a math test tomorrow so you guys better be greatful i did this#cause i spend way too long trying to draw glenn hot like wayyy too long#i did not do school work cause of this#i dont even care about that damn pole i dont#but here is dilf glenn are you happy now?#are you satisfied?#i nearly cried cause of this damn drawing#also cause i lost my fave necklace down a fucking sink drain and am gonna have to beg some people tomorrow to help me get it out#at lesst im getting my hair dyed#i also have like two tests wendesday and like a bilion projects for thursday and Friday and all i did was draw hot glenn#im gonna go drink my hour old coffee and cry now#honestly vote carlos hes not a dick that sucks to draw#hot glenn autumn
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holy shit Scuffed atlas art? real???? you cant even See the top of the hat but Once i make a finalised Design itll look Kinda like the ones in the Images :3
#i am So worried about being Told im copying someones Design BWHAH lingering anxiety From other sites i guess#i was Mostly using this to test out Mould and how it looks so im Considering mimicking fur with mould Patches#aaanyways love this guy uhh checks Smudged writing father Mushroom from Last Life smp#rad1oart#scott smajor#scott smajor fanart#new life smp#nlsmp#dude theres SO MANY NEW LIFE TAGS HELLO. WHAT.#also ignore How fucked the anatomy is kinda ive Been stuck in An art rut for a Bit now and im just happy i was Even able to draw this#without Nuking my pc lol
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Listened to 3 today instead of 2 like I planned! Worth it. Anyways, welcome back, yada, yada, I’m here again YIPEE
MAG 52: exceptional risk
Oh shit Robert Montauk is back. the guy who visited him was Maxwell Rayner and I did write down from previous episodes he was like a defrocked Pentecostal minister (hell he do???) and had that cult grow around him. Also the last name Rayner was mentioned in The Piper, Joseph Rayner tags or something. The whole, bulbs flickering and crappy water, at least my assumption, seems to be like in response. I’m assuming the thing that murdered Maxwell which then scared the shit out of his daughter in A Fathers Love and possibly killed her mom. I think Robert did something to try and get rid of that creature which is Maxwell came and did his ominous speech or whatever
MAG 53: crusader
Gertrude!!! No notes on this episode but I know eyes are like a super common theme in the magnus archives, I’ve seen some vague fanart so I’ll keep an eye for that. Sorry.
MAG 54: Still Life
Daniel Rawlings was one of the people who disappeared in Anglerfish near Old Fishmarket Close. The thing that was in his basement was also described very similarly to the thing in the alleyway. Swaying motion, a monotone voice, repeating the same sentence again, and again. Not only that Daniel disappeared the same year as Sarah Baldwin, who we were already, unfortunately, introduced to. I know he has like a completely different appearance but I dunno. It’s creepy. ALSO, there were those 2 men with cockney accents and when Jon got delivered those packages in season 1, Martin described them with cockney accents. So I’m assuming they are the same.
MAG 55: Pest Control
Jane Prentiss mention. Thought we’d be done with her when she’s now ash but I guess not 💀 (<- Jane) anyways, apparently John Amherst got an appearance. Doing some calculating, I think him in MAG 55 was before Taken Ill. I think. One thing I noticed looking back at Taken Ill was that Nicole didn’t want to touch the bell because there was this oily residue on it, the same oily residue on the door to his house when Jordan knocked on it. Also the landlord from Jane’s statement is here. Did not expect him to sacrifice himself. Clearly he knows a lot and maybe knew what that “wasps” nest was all about. He had that scar too. So far I can’t find anything connecting with that scar but everything (everyone) is going up in flames in this podcast I swear.
MAG 56: Children of the Night
I was actually going to end this post at Pest Control but I saw TREVOR was giving this statement so I had to listen. Anyways. Uh. Rest in peace that human he killed 🫡. The lady that had spiders come out was interesting. Lot of spiders in this podcast.
Also Jon seems really stressed like he needs a nice nap and maybe some like book to calm him down. I jumped and he wasn’t even yelling at me 😭 personally I would not let that slide. also Martin mentioned his mom having problems so he dropped out and I think his moms problems were based in the supernatural in some way. No basis for that.
One other thing, I saw that the title of this episode is like…slightly similar to the thing Gertrude referenced in Crusaders. “Those who sing the night “children of the night”. I guess only night is mentioned and it could be a coincidence but I’m keeping that in mind just in case.
Anyways that’s all my thoughts!! I see the next episode is something about space. It is currently 10:12 PM and it’s pitch black so I’m definitely not listening to that tonight.
#the magnus archives#tma#tma podcast#zabala0z thoughts#literally going insane guys#every moment#im just like “is this a connection?????#also I’m getting a new keyboard for my like decade old family Mac computer so I can finally write my digital notes on the computer#instead on the phone like a person who is testing life#but I gotta know guys#I need to know all the lore I need to know what this story is about#can’t back out now#got like 20 pages of notes on google docs#well some notes. some are details from episodes that might be useful later#but I gotta get to the ending or else I will literally die
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wanted to experiment a bit with my art today !! yaaay !!! ¥_^
...
can anyone else hear those bells ominously tolling in the distance ?
★ version without text under cut :
★ lyrics : "Melancolia" – Caravan Palace
#im thinking about changing shrig's design up a bit#tbh . in my eyes . these little ears look a lot sillier on him than the other ones#and uhh i also didn't completely FORGET to draw the crown or anything . i left it out COMPLETELY INTENTIONALLY and for a GOOD LORE REASON#I SWEAR !!!!#oh yeah the background is on fire if i didn't make that obvious enough#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#high voltage au#its not exactly canon to the au but whatever . its whatever#who even gives a shit#im too tired to care anymore#i can't even make a good piece of art for the life of me#i know im not supposed to base my worth as an artist around the engagement i get from my posts#but seeing so many cool people on this platform make great art and then looking at mine ...#im utterly disgusted with myself ...#sigh#i was supposed to be studying for a test and writing an assignment that's like a week overdue#and what am i doing ?#drawing pointless doodles that i should have discarded of the moment they crossed my mind ...#i just want a god damn break from my life ...#i want to disappear#genuinely#dhmis shrignold#shrignold the butterfly#dhmis hv shrignold#tw blood#cw blood#tw fire#cw fire
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whatever og text i had in mind for this post about ko shibasaki looking like sayama in this movie is completely cancelled on account of utsumi (this character)'s first name being kaoru and i only found this out cause i was looking up her name just to be sure when making this post
like jesus christ i legally have to make this post now
#snap chats#they literally never say her first name in the movie. i think lol LIKE WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS JUST 'NO FUCKING WAY'#i do have to be tbh and say her face /is/ a little more round than sayama's#and its absolutely predominantly because of how her bangs and wardrobe are so close to sayama's that i think she look like her#BUT I CAAAANT THE WHOLE MOVIE I WAS JUST THINKIN ABOUT SAYAMA... i miss her...#OH RIGHT THE MOVIE THOUGH noooo fuck you this movie was so good it actually made me want to write a summary for it LMAOOO#LIKE I LIKE WRITING SUMMARIES BUT IVE JUST BEEN SO LAZY ABOUT IT WITH THE PAST FEW THINGS IVE SEEN BUT GOD.#ignore the fact i finished this movie two hours ago i was too busy fiddling with a card holder kit but. ill make a post about that next--#THIS MOVIE THOUGH NOOOOO IT WAS SO GOOD //SCREAMS AND YELLS AND DESTROYS A SNOWGLOBE//#god the part where ishigami and yukawa are walking by the homeless and it just lingers on an empty spot.. LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS WACK#CAUSE I WAS LIKE 'hang on wasnt there a guy there last scene' and obviously there was since the shot lingered right#BUUUUTT WHEN IT WAS REVEALED DOWN THE LINE SHUT UPPP I LITERALLY YELLED IM SO GLAD. my roommates arent home..#on god i thought the movie was gonna end with utsumi and fukawa's convo from the beginning#and i was gonna make a gaf about how fukawa was acting irrationally because he was too in love LMAOOO#BUT THEN IT KEPT GOING AND. im so glad it did. ishigami valid tbh#id also cover up and take blame for AND ACTUALLY commit murder for a girl if she said hi to me and made me lunch while i was trying to kms#while fukawa and ishigami were talkin that first night tho i just thought of after the rain.. lol... maybe the mangaka was inspo'd by that.#anyway. this movie was great. it reminded me of sherlock but if it was directed well and actually let you solve the mystery too#CAUSE WHILE I WAS WATCHING THERE WERE POINTS WHERE I TOO WAS JUST 'hang on' AND I JUST POCKETED THE INFO FOR LATER#i kicked and screamed when ishigami was talking abut how he formats his tests LIKE I SAID 'oh you fucking slipped'#when ishigami called and told her he had a white envelope in there bitch i knew it was gonna be the stalker letter i YELLED#LIKE I LIKE HOW THE MOVIE SETS THINGS UP SO ABUNDANTLY. IT'S FUN SEEING IT FIT IN THE MOVIE LATER ON#the twist of there being two bodies was so fun tho cause at the start of the movie i was sure two murders happened the same night#so when it was played off as just one i was like Oh. Ok. im still stumped on how he snuck a body out of the apartment#but yk what one detail is like. whatever in comparison to the rest of the movie being fun to watch#god im running out of tags POINT IS. PLEAAASE watch this movie if you got two hours#ive left some minor warnings on my Watchlist doc but there's nothing. TOO extreme ??#i mean there's an aforementioned suicide attempt but aside from that it's nothing too grotesque. for an rgg fan ig#ok bye i have to ramble about the card holder i got <3
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'how to write a good character arc' 'follow this act structure for your plot' 'best checklist for worldbuilding' 'the correct way to design a magic system' 'you're boring your readers with long descriptions' 'the correct amount of exposition' i don't know man. what if i do whatever the hell i want.
#I HAVE VERY STRONG BUT HARD TO ARTICULATE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.#it's not that i don't appreciate any guides/ tips. okay. i just. am so tired.#of hearing the phrase 'there's a right way to write' wrapped in fancy terminology.#LIKE LISTEN LISTEN HEAR ME OUT.#take lord of the rings right.#'oh wow a classic!! the pinnacle of fantasy!! omg tolkein is a worldbuilding genius!!'#that's all well and good. alright. but how do you think tolkein approached it.#probably not with a 'this is the right amount of time to spend describing' mentality.#this man can will and has spent 15 pages talking about one (1) tree. or the obscure etymology of Minas Tirith.#im willing to bet he wasn't trying to fit any mould is what im trying to say right#he just wrote what he wanted !!!#the goal wasn't to cater to the reader!!!#and so much of the modern 'writing advice' contradicts the classics!#which isn't to say the classics are the end all be all of course#but it still counts for something that they stood the test of time and are considered a Big Deal#the point is.#or what im trying to say is that#if you're given advice on your art form that goes directly against what you're trying to do#and removes any element of enjoyment or what you consider to be a defining characteristic of your art#then just. don't do it.#like like#im not going to stop writing long ass winding descriptions of the setting my characters are in if it's something i like about my work#im not going to cut segments out of my dialogue that i think are funny/clever because im worried it'll confuse the reader#'b-but long descriptions/dialogue/infodumping about the magic system or worldbuilding/whatever the hell makes it tedious!!'#girl for who? because it sure as hell isn't tedious to me. im having the time of my life here#do NOT let me on this blog after 10 pm#writing#miss j's musings
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I KNOW I NEED TO STOP PROCRASTINATING ON ALL MY PROJECTS WITH OTHER PROJECTS BUT IVE BEEN DAYDREAMIN ABOUT THIS OTHER FIC AND I WANTED TO AT LEAST GET SOEMTHING DOWN. SOOOO UH YEAH :]
(This is still a draft btw)
#the more i thought about the zombie au thing the less it matched the animatic im making#but its fineeeee#also this isnt an evil test tube fic#test tube is kind of dealing with some moral issues#with her experimenting on lightbulb not telling anyone about it then acting like the “zombie” out break and societal collapse wasntherfault#but she isnt evil to the point whered she would kick a sick puppy then give it cyanide#also its become less of them being zombies and more like feral creatures who bite too often#but i like writing feral characters so bleh >:P#Im yapping way too much lol#inanimate insanity au#inanimate insanity#ii au#ii test tube#ii fanfic
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why did i decide to read the bad reviews of tfc.... pls i'll commit hate crimes
#making my head hurt#idk im probably being a major hypocrite by writing this post out but like be so for real#theres a review like 'this book was trying so hard to test my reading comprehension skills' i am very sad#to tell you#that perhaps u do not have reading comp skills u mindless buffoon#these books fucking flowed like WATER DOWN A STREAM#'as a writer myself' boy i sure hope no one is subjected to ur mindless writing#tw vent#im sorry for anyone reading these tags theyre so unbelievably bitchy and catty
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i'm writing a gilmore girls fic that involves paris geller from our pandemic year 2020 going back to 2001, around the time jess first comes in to town. very slow burn between jess/paris. i have around 10k words of snippets all over my doc and an outline and i'm slowly becoming re-obsessed with gilmore girls again. what the fuck is up with this fandom that i keep going back to like an on-and-off again boyfriend??? anyway, i have no idea if i'll ever post this and i've been going back and forth on this for what feels like forever. if this sounds at all interesting, let me know.
#message#the fic has lane/jess friendship and jess/rory is still a thing since i just can't see these two chuckleheads NOT into each other#paris is in full form and i am having so much fun writing her?? god i love her so much nfewoffew#and jess's voice is acerbic and complicated and this boi is making me laugh as i write lmao#and it's interesting getting into the headspace of 2020 and what it was like back then and how this would affect paris#the outline is growing by the minute and i filled up an entire notebook constantly thinking about this fic#i haven't felt this inspired in a while and i'm clinging onto it like a goddamn lifeline#getting their voices right is a challenge and part of the reason why im tempted to post little snippets of this fic cause i need a litmus#test to see if i'm getting them right#gg fic writers out there you deserve goddamn medals#writing so many smart characters simultaneously is fucking hard yet rewarding#gilmore girls#dippers#(is that really the ship name? if so thats really cute 🥰)
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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took a mock ielts test today
#bakuspeech#honestly can not estimate how well I did with written competencies at All they could give me a goose egg and I'd be like. harsh but fair#but the speaking test was SO funny. bc I had to sit there and pretend like I didn't learn english from using tumblr for a decade#and. well. from writing anime fics. and [redacted] fics#so yeah yesterday and today's been dedicated to lunar new year stuff and mock test prep#as in. trying to remember the things I needed to bring to the exam room. which I did forget at home btw. good thing I went two hours#earlier than I shouldve#taking one single formalized aptitude test like ah yeah . this is why I'm not in school no more#twelve years of french to beat language aptitude testing into my very bones and five years out its all already a big open beautiful void#how did I manage that C1. they were 100% taking pity on me#anyways. I think Im good to sleep now. just figured a thing out excited to see it take shape properly#alright have a good night lads. enjoy uhhh words I guess. nice shoelaces u got there
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// open. int. atrium - night. 23 dec 2022
Another year another obnoxiously lavish party at the Wexley. If Ashton had any other excuse to be anywhere else, he'd take it. But the flights home were too expensive and he had work to do on his thesis right up till Christmas, even if the university was technically on break, the campus was still filled with students for one reason or another. Ashton had came back from the campus, having the party slip out of his mind and instead of actively avoiding it, he unconsciously walked right into it. Getting caught in the crowd at the entrance and giving in once the announcements were made and the food and drinks were flowing.
"I could use next month's rent for something else then.." Ashton murmured to himself as a sat alone on a couch in a quieter corner of the Atrium, a mulled wine in one hand and another flipping through his monthly expenses on his phone. The books he had borrowed from the school library and brought home acted as his arm rest. He only looked up when he heard someone approaching, and he raised his glass as a small greeting. "The Wexleys are feeling charitable this year, huh?"
#IM SO SRY Y'ALL#hes so boring lmao#i couldnt think of anything better#at a party and hes like mm yes finances#he would rather not be here is what we've learnt time and time again at all these Wexley parties#also me testing out writing and posting on mobile bc I'll be away from tmr onwards ajdgdbdn#bnyxmas#bnystarter#bnyevent#;starters#e: christmas eve last year
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Posting screenshots from The Raggy Dolls every day until ITV puts it on ITVX: Day 115:
#ignoring the fact that hi-fi wants to live on a cliff for just a minute#has anyone ever noticed that the only doll other than Hi-Fi that has directly talked to a human is Claude?#(it was in the episode “The Terrible Twins)#and based on that singular piece of evidence#I've come to the conclusion that Claude could be a talking doll just like Hi-Fi#but obviously one that speaks french and has a perfectly functioning voice box#my headcanon is that Hi-Fi has a first gen voice box#but they were quickly phased out due to them easily becoming damaged#so all talking dolls after the batch Hi-Fi was part of received newer voice boxes#the v2s#and then the French dolls would have had a special kind of voice box made for them#so they could not only speak both languages#but also be able to speak with French accent#this would be voice box v3#i dont know its early when im writing this#the raggy dolls#claude#hi-fi#(btw im testing out the scheduling a post thing so hopefully this goes out at the right time)
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My sincere apologies to all the bubble fans out there for my previous post
As compensation have this design of my au:]
please note that the entire thing is as big as my thumb so everything's tiny
#im not even joking#tested it out and all#so the writing is about as big as an ant#luckily i'm very good at minuscule writing#but it looks like a kid's handwriting up close;-;#darn high quality overpriced phone camera#tadc bubble#tadc au#my handwriting isn't THAT bad#...right?#the amazing digital circus
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i really dont understand studying at all like genuinely i don't know what it is . i know about "taking notes" and "reading the textbook" and that's it . quizlet doesn't do shit for me because i don't know what to. do. with the cards. look at them ? am i supposed to just look at them . No one bothered teaching me actual skills bc i got good grades when i was 8 and now i am so hopelessly lost . why did no one think to teach me this for when stuff got harder than four plus three
#text#ive never understood flashcards . like what to do with them. how is that any more different or helpful than just like... writing a list on#paper of vocab terms or whatever#and like conceptually i know 'learning' is like. not only committing things to memory but also being able to engage with it which#is why teachers loveeeee group discussions and essays. but like. you read the text and then you go to class and Discuss but how do you#Learn what the text is saying like how do you . put it in your brain and udnerstand and remember it .#i think im missing something very simple because everyone else in the world seems to understand this fine#like where does the part where you go oh! i understand this and can explain it in my own words. Happen#how do u force it to happen if its not something ur autistic about#Like the only example i can think of rn of this is when i hyperfixated on hpa axis dysregulation + trauma a couple weeks ago#so i was learning stuff about it for Fun and not for school so no comprehension tests or notes or anything#and basically i'd just put on a webinar while i sorted seaglass or worked on sewing or whaever#and i can explain the concept fine. ur brain controls ur body so if it gets too scared ur body loses its shit basically.#but i dont remember most of the words. i still can barely define neurotransmitter#i can apply this to my own life but i confuse the hippocampus and the frontal lobe and the amygdala etc#and i couldnt point out any of them on a diagram#i dont get it . like i know a lot and simultaneously nothing at all abt it#how am i supposedto be remembering words and numbers AND understanding the concepts AND im supposed to do that between#reading the book and engaging in thoughtful conversation with my peers i dont understand
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