#so im looking into disability again
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So I'm legitimately getting back into things now, and I'm pretty excited ! I ended up having some more stuff happen that put me in a dark place for a while, but I am finished being in that place !! And ready to show the internet my naked body !!
#my best friend told me she didnt want to be in my life anymore lol#and my job got so horribly bad I quit#and realized that work is just extremely difficult for me#so im looking into disability again#anyway#lolol#im just happy to also be feeling better enough to to sex work things#because it is something that makes me legitimately happy !!#so hello tumblr i have missed you!! check my onlyfans for some new posts 🥰#more to come !!!#i hope you all are doing so well!!!#how are you doing??
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HI i’m personally a crutch user and i love scout with crutches but consider
pyro or engie crutch user(s)
im a big enjoyer of my comfort characters being just like me i hope this is ok 👍
Pyro or Engie crutch users? ❌️
Pyro AND Engie crutch users ✅️
Hopefully these cane personalisations don't look too weird?? I have no idea where I was going with Pyro tbh, I think I was trying to make it a mini lighter but kinda failed miserably :')
Edit: FUCK, YOU SAID CRUTCH NOT CANE I'M SO SORRY I GOT IT MIXED UP
#tf2#team fortress two#my art#tf2 pyro#tf2 engineer#mobility aid#disability#canes#cane user#ALSO FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT I AM REALLY BAD AT TRYING TO DESIGN WEAPONS THAT MAKE SENSE SO IM SORRY IF THIS MAKES NO SENSE#plz correct me if the cane designs are incorrecting any way!#THANK U @waltzfantasia for correcting my cane lengths in ny last drawing!!#i looked at the drawings again and tbh u are so right bestie I drew the canes WAY too short#thanks for telling me tho- love you <3#disabilitymercs
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I know we're ignoring canon right now, but can. Can we just talk about Dabi's ending for a second? Because like. What the fuck? This guy's been suffering his entire life. From being abused by his father, to being kidnapped and experimented on while he's in a coma, just to escape and go home to find out his worst fears have come true, his family abandoned him, they never really cared. Then, he spends the next 8 years homeless, where he damages his body so much to the point he's being held together by staples? How painful was his daily life?? No wonder he wanted to die. His life was hell. And now, he spends his last days alive trapped in a fucking fish tank, in excruciating agony (you cannot tell me he isn't in any pain. He has no fucking skin left, along with his other injuries. Not to mention the emotional and psychological trauma once again inflicted on him). He doesn't get to choose whether or not he wants to keep living through this nightmare. He doesn't get to choose whether or not he wants Endeavor to visit him every day. No one asks him his opinion on any of this. They decide for him, and he doesn't have the strength left to protest. He can't move, can't talk, can't do anything. All he can do is sit there, watching on helplessly, with the knowledge that after his death, his family will once again leave him behind and forget all about him. He'll never see the League again, the only people in the world who actually loved him unconditionally and never saw him as a problem or a mistake. He has to die with the knowledge that he failed. His family won't ever truly see him as a person, and he never, not once in his life, got to be happy.
#is this stupid and incoherent? probably. im just so pissed.#the brutality of dabi's narrative is horrifying and uncomfortable#he never had a chance and the narrative blames him for it#even at the end he gets no relief. Only a horrific painful death.#oh well. maybe if he was born with a better quirk his life wouldn't have been an absolute nightmare from the moment he opened his eyes :(#sucks to be him right? anyway lets go look at the heroes smiling again :D#so disgusting that the disabled and mentally ill character ends up like this#while his abuser continues to be celebrated and supported by literally everyone#as a fellow disabled and mentally ill person: bbygrl you deserved so much better#bnha#mha#my hero academia#bnha spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#league of villains#todoroki touya#bnha dabi#bnha critical#bnha rant#anti endeavor
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This stomach pain is really eating me up. I hope the colonoscopy will shed light on things but the prep is making me shaky and weak (add it to the list of things making me sweat). I know there's the element of spirit where my sense of self is growing. When I think of my old names I feel the pain there. I'm healing thru it. It hurts. I know the stress from caring for mom makes it worse. I know the fear of thinly veiled threats. There's so much I need to do. I have plans. But most importantl, I need to lie down and try to rest so that the flare doesnt get worse.
I have $50 worth of bills each month. trying to secure meals (I have low mobility/energy when I have a flare so I need to order delivery), and I'm also trying to save for travel to a safer place $500
So far I've only raised $3 but it def helped.
If you have the spoons to boost it or the funds to support me with my basic needs and help me afford to live.
Cashapp $femmeboigarfielf
Venmo: garfgodot
Ko-fi.com/cosmickarike (credit cards/PayPal)
#I never expected I would be out of work for so long and it would be so hard#but i made it this far#and i keep finding love everywhere i look long enough#and it makes me stronger to know love is something bigger than the thing i feared#ill get thru#a threat#im gonna try to sleep again#it hurts it hurts#mutual aid#chronic illness#long covid#community#support#financial assistance#help#signal boost#black queer artist#disability#reparations#crowdfunding
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webtoon would be such a better app if they removed comments
#chernikocore#sucks all the joy out.... i have to see em everytime i finish a chapter#i usually try to click on the next page without reading em because its either the worst takes known to man or ppl being pricks for no reason#made the mistake of looking into the comments of a new one ive been reading abt a character who is mentally disabled/severely ill#and i immediately regretted it TT why are they so ableist#'hopefully shes not insane just traumatised 🥺' 'i bet she's faking it. i hope she is' 'shes boring like this when will she talk properly'#???? why r u reading the story centred on a mentally ill person if u dont want them to be mentally ill#'its probably just the medication when it wears off im sure she'll be normal ☺️' im exploding you with my mind#if the author goes any of those routes im going to be so disappointed. most comics on there r the same thing again and again#ive found something interesting if it decides to make her 'normal' after a certain point ill scream#i want her to heal n recover from her abuse. i dont want to read a story about a girl being 'fixed' by a guy being nice to her#whatever!!!!! ive learned to not expect anything from webtoon comments.... ill try n skip em like i did before when i finish the chapters..#rant over im okay im okay
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Like three of my coworkers in the past month have tested positive for covid, every day I see new ppl on my dash mentioning that they’ve caught covid, every day I see and hear from ppl who have come down w something that looks like covid but the test came back negative but also they can only afford to test once bc tests aren’t free anymore and the more accurate tests are also more expensive so there’s no way to know if it was a false negative, and yet nobody masks anymore. hell world hell world
#meg talks#like i feel like im losing my mind. i will admit that ive probably gotten too bold abt going out in public#but at least i never go out without wearing a clean n95#and then i immediately look around and see no one else is wearing one and im like well fuck me i guess.#i refuse to get on an airplane or have anyone come visit me via plane bc fucking every time someone ik gets on a plane#they come back with covid#and i just keep thinking back to the start of the pandemic and the efforts to flatten the curve#and how if we’d just fucking. done it. if the lockdown wasn’t lifted so fast. we could have killed covid#instead we’re going on four years of this. and ppl just act like life is normal again#well it’s not normal for me. catching covid could ruin my body and cost me my job and then what#but nobody cares bc most precautions protect other ppl around us more than they protect ourselves#and nobody gives a shit abt the disabled#nor do they want to think abt the fact that they are one covid infection away from being disabled themselves
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"Willow is a bad character because she's a mary sue" me when I missed the entire point of the show
#scrolling her tag and going insane#side note there is apparent a toh cr1t tag#I will not look at it for annoying takes to make fun off (affirmations)#at least i won't tonight who knows what the future holds#anyway im obsessed bc they were like#'imagine if willow was just a fan character in fanfics you'd all think she was pretty cringe huh'#NUHUH IM NORMAL UR WATCHING THE CRINGE CULTURE TOWARDS HARMLESS THINGS IS STUPID SHOW#also jesus fucking christ do you honestly think that a disabled coded woman of color being a badass is somehow overdone#like the reason ppl criticized MS's in the first place is bc we rlly do not need another white abled girlypop to be the super magical#chosen one and never be in the wrong ever#disabled ppl and woc don't GET that fantasy#also her powers aren't disproportionate to the universe at all#yes she gained a lot of power in two months but she's spent the past several years repressing her very potent magic to mold herself to#other ppls expectations the whole fucking thing is a metaphor for how disabled ppl who now have accomodations/can live their life on their#own terms do much better much faster than people give them credit for#and once again she's really powerful yes but she was for example nothing compared to Darius#she doesn't take on a coven head (though a battle between her and Terra would have been super interesting) and win and she can take care of#1-2 coven scouts on her own but needs support and help from others#if there are more of them#ALSO EVERYONE ELSE GETS MORE POWERFUL ALSO#why isn't Amity a mary sue for going from only making small abominations and needing a training wand to being like the 3rd strongest#abomination magic user? bc shes white?#their main complaint seemed to be that willow demasculated hunter tho#so like#lmao cope. seethe.
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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I could just bear the pain and keep it all inside again. Pretend I don’t hurt as much as I do. The employers would like that. The government would like that. Capitalism would like that. Pretend to be a functioning gear in the machine that produced my symptoms in the first place.
I cry and scream and thrash, and people call me weak. They say I’m being a baby, tough it out, harden up. I’ve done that. I spent my whole childhood and early adulthood doing that, but the pain bled through anyway until I drowned in it. Like it will for all of us. It just came earlier for me.
#disability#im so fucking tired of my symptoms being dismissed#disability ssi denied me yet again and they want me to go back to work like god.#why are they allowed to make decisions about my quality of life when they don't even know what i look like.#i hate you capitalism#i hate youuuuuuuuuuu
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.
#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do#is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better#to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off#tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer#disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything#and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me#and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me#so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again#I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again#I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly#what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it#etc etc#I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part#these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.
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sorry if you've already been asked this but what did you think about eiji in iw? like idk i feel like they were trying to recreate a masato and ichi moment without actually having any of the elements that made their relationship narratively compelling.
as a whole, i thought eiji was at least a nice 'how he wished things couldve been' for ichi in regards to masato, but still being independent enough from the masato comparison to stand on his own as a character (or at least as an antagonist. his actions wasn't what was reminding me he was a masato parallel, but more so ichi's insistence he help him). i think thats why ichi and eiji's relationship don't have the same 'elements' that make their relationship interesting like masato and ichi's
#iw spoilers#not really but lol#snap chats#like what made masato and ichi interesting was their family dynamic and how they were narrative foils to each other#eiji isn't supposed to be that. both in-universe and meta wise he's just meant to remind ichi of masato not wholly replace him#and not replace who masato was in ichi's life. just yk. trick him for a bit fJALKAJ#i mean sure you can still find their relationship uninteresting with that in mind so just to me i thought it was cute at the very least#at least in that you can see ichi trying his hardest to connect with eiji#like you can tell he just doesn't want history to repeat even if he's mostly projecting his fears onto eiji#and the situation is not. equivocal LMAO but i digress#i don't feel strongly about eiji one way or another- i mean i liked how it was easy to tell he was going to be an antagonist vjlKJAJ#i dont mind that kind of thing though. i like being able to pick up on things being Not Right with a character or situation#so it was neat seeing how that culminated. still confused on what he was blackmailing chitose with but i assume it's family related#sometimes i think about how beau says eiji and ebina were meant to be rgg feeling bad about killing aoki and it makes me chortle vjalkvjla#anyway thats the end of my eiji prattle. oh ps i like how he actually had a chair that doesnt look painful to sit in#veyr cringe he turned out Not to be disabled but listen if i start talking about masato's disability again im gonna lose my mind#as i frantically close my thirty tabs about lung diseases/conditions and lung transplants and patients' anecdotes post operation
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mephistoteles is so underrated. his little gay ass has so much potential
#i know & understand why hes like the lowest point of interest but...#let the disabled man be appreciated okay#anti-lucifer potentials...#hes such an evil guy(tm)#i just see him and i only recognize a man that needs to be objectified#i have actually read all of the main story so i know im right#hes the only real look we have at mid-tier demons and its so interesting...#+ this guy doesnt care (yet) about mc so were getting even more unfiltered shit#we had the same stuff in the early lessons with everyone but the brothers have changed so much...#mephisto is still a pure unsoftened-for-humans demon and theres so much to say about him#omg#im talking nonsense again but you understand me right#obey me mephistopheles#obey me#i need to stop saying so much shit in the tags... use the actual post dumbass (talking to myself)#im losing it so much#god ive started being intersted in mephi ive really lost it#help /j#sillyposting
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trying not to worry too much until i see the cornea specialist but just thinking abt not being able to see my kitty's sweet little face anymore is so heartbreaking 😭
#i feel like this needs a trigger warning but idk what#trauma dump#disability tw#???#anyway i might go blind 😭😭😭😭😭#i have no idea if my condition is treatable or what the odds of success are until i see the specialist#but i am NOT being brave abt it#im really scared 😭#i know blind people love fulfilling lives and stuff but aaaaaaa#all of my hobbies are visual and im dyslexic so im worried i wont be able to read braille#i live in a rural area with no public transportation#im tone deaf and bad at math my job opportunities are going to be zero unless i go back to school for a whole new degree#ughhhhh#hopefully its treatable but it often resists treatment apparently idk tho#i have no odds on it yet so hopefully its a small chance#but it probably depends whats causing it and how far its progressed but i dont know that yet either#anyway#woe is me etc etc#never seeing a sunset never painting or drawing again never looking at my kitty or my dog's sweet little face 😭#its a really scary thought unfortunately#this has been a shitpost#pls don't reblog#personal#i was actually fine until i had the thought abt my kitty now i want to cry so bad
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every time. every time without fail, that i go on a Dethklok/Brendan's music overall binge as I have been lately. I find myself looking at my guitar like. If only i knew how. if only i could do it right. I could hold her and shred and have fun making music.
alas. my skills are too lacking*
*to clarify, I struggle to read music & learn by ear, but my memory also struggles with remembering chords/finger placements/tabs so even tho i can usually hear how a song should go enough to identify notes & whatnot, and can, with enough time spent noodling, eventually recreate it on guitar. That is not conducive nor useful in actually playing and getting better at it and makes it feel like an Impossible Task lmao.
#text post#tbh it probably is actually impossible bc like#i briefly got a few heavily discounted lessons re: voice guitar and piano w/my old hs choir teacher#and we had some heavy talks abt brains & things and#eventually he was like. u can *technically* play music and sing#ur voice is *unique* like tom waits or bob dylan (read: bad or considered bad by many at least lmao) but u CAN sing#and u can play piano & guitar *in theory* but not with enough understanding to get good at it#his concern kept coming back to my maths learning disability bc he thought that was also fucking up how my brain parses certain music things#and tbh? he's probably right lol#but still. i look to her my shining axe with strings in need of tuning but eager#and then i look away bc it's a nice dream. but im probably never going to be able to achieve any level of skill let alone mastery#I've tried so many times and my brain just can't keep all that info in & parse it all consistently. & it sucks but also it's ok#someday I'll pick her up again and attempt to play and let myself suck at it & b content with that#not today lmao but someday
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i loveeee being cheap bc sometimes it gets ridiculous like yea it IS abhorrent to even CONSIDER paying like 6£ for ea taxi & instead will just walk the mile 1 way like 30 times until all my shit is moved
#stream#ALSJALSKASKLASKALSKALA#double whammy skinny & cheap ! werk !#but then u have no time bc u spend 20 mins walking every time u move or go back to get more shit#so that’s 40 mins in walking not including the (un)packing#u know each time lol#BUT IM DETERMINED#IDGAF#SAVING MY MONEY FOR DRUGS#my mother just sent me a text like ‘they may have non alcoholic beverages’ as if i’m not saving myself to black out at the wedding#my body can take at least 1 more blackout i haven’t blacked out in#idk#at least since i od’d#maybe i did at kp’s birthday#no i think i was kinda conscious but i was on a lot of ketamine ALSKALSKALSKLKSLAKSLA#& DRINKING SO MUCH … GIRL#that’s not even including the mdma 😭😭😭#ok so maybe we’ll consider that a ‘little rough on the body’#anyway#that was a different me that was pre getting physically assaulted multiple times in a very short timeframe#literally within 2 weeks i got physically assaulted 4 ? times then harassed like maybe 3#idk i’ve been getting harassed on the street a lot recently but honestly it’s bc im just so hot & sexy & it threatens ppl#i don’t even think i’m being delusional british ppl all just look like potatoes#if they’re healthy#im corpse gang#‘i’ve been getting harassed more on the street’ BOY MAYBE ITS BC UR MUCH MORE PHYSICALLY DISABLED AGAIN#IN A COUNTRY WHERE U HAVE TO BE PUBLICLY PHYSCIALLY DISABLED#like i can’t hide in my car 😭😭😭#my leg hates me#like girl get over it i took calcium supplements fuck u !!!!!!!!!
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