#so im like. do any of you guys know the impact these decisions have outside of the abstract

[solemntitty]

the thing about working for gov public health or any major org that does public health or community health is that so many people who are educated and well-meaning end up here and don't fucking know what it's like on the ground working directly with populations. like I work in data and epi related shit rn but bc I've worked directly with populations I'm like. y'all don't fucking know how it actually is. like, don't get me wrong, I know they mean well. but it is so, so easy in this bureaucracy to get lost in the numbers and forget the human impact. or to never have known it at all.

[uncloseted]

I adore your account about Cassie but i genuinely hate effy.. she is the least likable charcater in the show, i mean yeah her mental disorder affects how she acts but couldnt they make her more likable? All of the charcaters in the show had problems but they were still more likable than she is, if for example her depression was caused by seeing tony getting hit by a bus, freddie's mother killed herself but he was still a caring sweet person unlike her and a lot of charcaters has been through worse than her but she acts like shes the only person w troubles lmao, divorce is sooo common that it doesnt even give the person an excuse to be asshole, she literally held hands with freddie in class and kissed him then goes at the end of the episode and fuck his best friend, she didnt deserve him any bit.

she also goes on and hits katie with a rock out of self defense but then doesnt tell anything to anyone and goes to fuck freddie and leaves her there? Come on now. she somehow feels like a side character even though most charcaters in the show like her because her personality is so hollow and boring and incredibly flawed more than everyone in gen 2.

yeah kaya is gorgeous and effys style is amazing, but i feel like thats the only thing likable the charcater has, i think if she was bad looking no one would even like her even Freddie or cook, because thats the reason they all liked her from the beginning isnt it? Just her looks. And anyways why the hell she only befriends girls that guys arent usually into like panda and the girl in gen 1? Is it some thing to make her feel better about herself and not feel threatened? , because she was clearly not interested in any of them

Im so sorry for talking a lot, i genuinely love your account and your opinions though! And im interested to hear your opinion about this

No worries at all! I love when people write a lot. I don't think you're alone in finding Effy annoying, which is fine. But I think the fact that she isn't always likeable is one of the reasons why the way they portray her mental illness is so realistic. Mental illnesses are illnesses. By definition, they impact people's lives in a negative way and cause them to make decisions that they wouldn't make if they were healthy.

And Effy is no different. If you were living with the delusion that falling in love would cause otherworldly demons to break through from the other side and come torture you, you'd probably do whatever you can to push the person you're in love with away, too, you know? And with the Katie/rock situation, I think Effy doesn't totally remember or understand what happened until they can't find Katie the next day - either as a result of having been on drugs or (and this is what I believe) as a result of being in the middle of a psychotic episode. Once she realizes what happens, she does call an ambulance to find and treat Katie. Does it suck to do those things to another person? Of course. She could have killed Katie, and that's very real and very serious. But Effy can only act within the context of what she believes to be true, and her beliefs about the world are heavily influenced by her mental illness. A lot of the time, she's not really in a headspace where she can make decisions that are coherent to the outside world. And that means that she's coming from a very different place than someone like Tony, who does awful things to other people on purpose just to see what he can get away with. I've always seen her as someone who desperately needs help, and the tragedy of her storyline is that none of the people around her can provide her with the help that she needs.

I also want to talk for a second about mental illness. You said that, "all of the charcaters in the show had problems but they were still more likable than she is", but that's not really how mental illness works. While mental illness can, and often is, triggered by trauma, people with no history of trauma can also be severely mentally ill, and people with a history of trauma can be totally fine from a mental health perspective. For Effy, it seems like she was just kind of born that way. This is someone who stopped talking around the age of six and didn't start again until she was fifteen. That's hardly a person who's mentally stable, even before you account for Tony getting hit by a bus right in front of her, her mother developing depression and a pill addiction, essentially taking care of both her mother and Tony through their recovery processes, her parents having a messy divorce, and essentially being abandoned by both of them when she needs them most.

In terms of why people like her, I actually don't think it's just her looks. I think for Cook, that's maybe why he was interested in her to begin with, but for Freddie, I think he's more interested in the fact that she was willing to go up to a random stranger and lick ketchup off their face before walking away. I think Freddie means it when he says he wants to "get to know" her. To Freddie, Effy is exciting and different and kind of confusing, and he's just curious about who she is and why she acts the way that she does. And for Cook, while he starts out as being interested in Effy because of how she looks, I think he continues being interested because he idealizes Effy as this beautiful girl who will be his partner in crime and let him keep avoiding his problems. He sees her as someone who’s like him and who understands what he’s going through. And then for other people, I think they like her because she's mysterious and they want to figure her out, because her attention makes them feel special (since she doesn't often pay attention to other people) or her lack of attention makes them want to impress her, because she seems like she knows everything about them even though they know nothing about her, and just in general because she has a reputation for being fun. A person's looks can only get them so far, but their personality is why people stick around. I think a good example of that is Mini in the 3rd generation. She's absolutely beautiful, but she has a lot of trouble maintaining friendships and romantic relationships because her personality is hard to be around.

And then in terms of friends, I don't think she really chose to be friends with Julie (the girl from series 1) or with Pandora. Both of them just kind of decided they were going to be her friend and Effy didn't do anything to get rid of them. So I don't think it's Effy intentionally "[befriending] girls that guys arent usually into" or that it's "some thing to make her feel better about herself and not feel threatened", but rather that girls who are a little odd and maybe don't understand social cues are the only ones who will keep trying to hang out with her even though she's clearly not interested. And for what it's worth, I do think she loves Pandora very much, even if she's not always the best friend to Pandora. I think Effy feels like she can trust that Pandora isn't going to stop wanting to be her friend, no matter what happens, and that she really values Pandora's optimism and excitement for the world, since it's something that Effy doesn't naturally feel. Pandora is really important to her, which is why she's so hurt when Pandora sleeps with Cook, even though she doesn't actually care about Cook himself.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't think you have to like Effy, and I know a lot of people don't. But I think she's more complicated than people make her out to be and that she's not annoying for the sake of being annoying.

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[fktonofwhatnow]

ok hold on. acomaf is my fave book out of the whole series (it's mostly out of emotional value, i read it when i was younger and didn't have a real understanding out trauma and abuse only that i saw a character i loved getting out of a bad situation and getting happy) so obviously i didn't mind feysand being endgame and the development all of the characters had. i can accept tamlin turned out like that is realistic due to his trauma, i can accept feyre had to flee because it wasn't right for her, but the thing is after acofs i see no point to feyre leaving tamlin when rhysand ends up doing everything they told us tamlin was evil and unredeemable for. hiding the risks of her pregnancy, putting on shields on her, having feyre need to compromise over it. i honestly felt so betrayed by that. i'm not saying feyre and tamlin were good for each other, but it doesn't feel worth it to dismiss the potential they had for what we got with feysand.

also, sarah learn to treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge. no they don't need to learn to physically fight to fight it. no they don't need a love interest to overcome it. yes the behaviors acquired from trauma and abuse aren't pretty but that doesn't mean a person is undeserving of kindness and compassion.

i think i had a point somewhere but i can't get to it. so hope you don't mind my rambling. anyway i loved your meta about tamlin i think he deserves better too

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OK IM SO EXCITED

Bro you are so fine, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense and I totally get what you're trying to say. (Acomaf was actually my favorite book in the series too ngl)

BUT FUCK YEAH LETS TALK ABOUT RHYSAND.

I don't think it's a secret that Rhysand is one of my least favorite characters in media, probably ever? (How do I even put this into words) He is a bad character and to me, laughably so. You know how if you've ever written a character, there's that little phase that's like "what if people don't like this character' and then you're sad for a little bit? That's how Rhysand feels to me. He feels like SJM looked at this character and thought "I can't stand the thought of people not liking this character because I love him so much" and then did everything in her power to make sure we know how great he is.

Idk if this is just me screaming into the void, but I get to this place with my characters where like, especially if they are a little more morally gray or their decisions have negative impacts, I understand that I don't need the audience to like my main character. they can stand on their own, they can own up to what they do and they can grow from it. Thats what a good character does. That's how you keep your audience rooting for them. You gotta knock them over sometimes.

SJm doesn't knock Rhysand over. She doesn't push him to make mistakes, apologize, own up and move on. Rhysand has never made a decision that ended poorly for him. Everything goes the way he wants it to, because SJm wants us to know how cool and great he is. People who are cool and great don't make bad decisions! SJm doesn't let Rhysand fail, and she doesn't let him suffer his own decisions. Everyone else suffers his decisions, not him.

Rhysand's reputation as a good person hinges entirely on the audience liking him and/or thinking he's hot. And then what happens when the audience thinks neither of those things? Ya get a rly long post like this by a lil enby who is mad all the time. Rhysand loses all credibility when you look at him through a critical lens. Not a single thing the man does makes any goddamn sense. Here I thought acosf would give us a different perspective on Feysand and I was desperately hoping that Nesta would tell us what she really sees in them and how people around them really feel, I hoped that SjM would throw us for a loop and tell us that hey, she does know that Feysand are fucking toxic as hell and ruin the lives of people around them and she wants to show us that from an outside perspective but noooOoOOOoOoOOOO...

Instead we get Nesta hating herself because Rhysand told her that she shouldn't tell Feyre that Feyre could uh die in childbirth. Hey what the fuck.

Now I don't actually ship feylin, I kinda always sorta knew, even without spoilers, that it wasn't going to work out. Tamlin isn't sjm's idea of a good partner because he's not charming and witty and dark and handsome ya know? We met Rhysand and I knew that I was going to fucking hate this romance. Which sucks because I found Rhysand so intriguing in the first book. Ngl all the time spent in the spring court was kinda boring and every time Rhysand showed up to throw dead faeries at Tamlin I was like "oooooo" and I wanted to know more about why Tamlin, this awkward, blunt and kinda shy dude had beef with this super duper sly and shady man from another court.

I don't know if I've ever said this before, but SJm doesn't let her love interests grow. Rhysand doesn't change over the course of the story because he was already a good guy and his motives were for Feyre's sake I swear, the same goes for Rowan in TOG. SJm doesn't give Rhysand room to change. She needs to get to the part where they fuck make sure everyone knows that Rhysand is a good guy and actually he was good all along so that we like him more than Tamlin. It backtracks on everything bad Rhysand has ever done because you know... He had a good reason! It's fine!

I know it's probably just because SJm doesn't actually know how to write a good character growth arc but... Like can you imagine if Rhysand stayed the bad guy? Or at least remained the bad guy through acotar and acomaf? And then when Rhysand comes to take Feyre for his bargain it really was only to spite Tamlin? What about Rhysand, taking Feyre to the night court with him once a week every month for a long time, if only to see Tamlin's eyes grow darker and emptier every time he goes, and then he really starts to fall in love with Feyre. He's been a monster all this time, angry and cold and cruel and then he actually starts to fall in love. And then to get Feyre to stay he really does try to change, he stops antagonizing Feyre, he stops throwing dead faeries at Tamlin, and he stops harassing the Spring court. He starts spending genuine quality time with Feyre, he starts to learn about her and all the things she likes and he stops trying to get her to come with him just so Tamlin will be mad. He starts asking her to come with him because he wants to be around her and he prays that someday she'll want to be around him too. What if SJm let him grow.

But nahhhhhh instead we have a character who always knows the right answer to things, and he always knows how to fix every issue, and he is always so innovative and outside the box except that he isn't. We get a character who does the same shit as Tamlin but it's ok because he had a good reason not to tell Feyre that she could very well die in childbirth. Uhhhh don't know what that is but uhhh I know he has his reasons because all he has are his reasons.

It would be so easy to hold a mirror up to Rhysand and say "look at this. Look who you are. Do you not look just like Tamlin right now?"

But nooooooooOoOOOo Rhysand doesn't get to be wrong. Rhysand doesn't get to look like Tamlin because Tamlin is evil and Rhysand is definitely NOT I SWEAR.

But yeah I think the point I'm trying to make is that Sarah thinks so highly of Rhysand that he could never do wrong. He could never be like Tamlin, despite the narrative literally telling us the exact opposite.

Like you said, we lost the potential of what feylin could have been if SJm didn't suddenly decide that her audience needs to love Rhysand as much as she does. I think feylin could have been slow and sweet and a story of true healing and learning about one another. I think it would have been kind and steady and lots of "are you ok"s and "I'm sorry"s and "talk to me"s. Everything about Feysand feels rushed and hard and fast and the rest of the world doesn't have time to catch up. It's fucking exhausting to read it ya know what I'm saying.

(also can we talk about Rhysand like dying and Feyre finding the suriel and learning he's her mate and then instead of being like "k let's put a pin in that and fuckin save his life first" she like throws him around and everyone is like "wtf woman" and she's like I neeD tO Be alOnE these people have no idea how to prioritize)

Truly, I think it's innocent to a degree. There is absolutely no harm in wanting people to like your character. The harm comes when you destroy another character with no reason or explanation other than you want people to like a different character. Villain arc? Completely out of left field. You gotta build to that shit or like... Make it so that when you look back you slap your forehead and yell at a wall "OF FUCKING COURSE I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT"

anyways, SJm treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge SECONDED.

WELL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WEEKS YO WRITE IM HAVING A HARD TIME I know it probably doesn't make any sense I can't find my braincells BUT thanks for the ask @xelly

Tell me all your acotar things I love yo hear them !!

[basket-of-fruits]

season 1 episode 19 rewatch! my internet has been so terrible lately, this rewatch was supposed to go a lot quicker lol, and now season 3 is coming in april (yay!!!) so i’m going to have to haul ass lol so without furthur ado here we go!

shigure’s editor is so funny lol

sometimes i don’t know whether to laugh at ritus’s behavior or be sad lol she just said ‘i’m sorry for breathing’ which they play off as humorous lol but its equally sad lol

lol tohru immediately knows who ritsu is by the way her crazy mother was lol (also i refer to ritsu as she because that’s how i think she wants to be perceived and it makes her feel more safe as she says so yeah)

i also like that they play like metal music when she’s having a fit lmao

shigure fucking with her, what a dick lol

and getting books of fruit because she didn’t know what fruits they would like lol i mean that’s one way to go about it lol, but its kind of an insight into how people with anxiety who over think act

tohru saying that ritsu is more beautiful when smiling with a blush on her face, bi tohru is canon

shigure is a dick lol he knew his challenge of having her not apologize wouldn’t work, he just wanted to see the shit hit the fan lol

aw a little ritsu looks like kisa!

aw tohru is so loving and accepting she’s like it’s fine if you want to dress as a woman! you look beautiful! we all need a tohru in our lives

shigure calling mitchan a stalker omg

and she’s about to hang herself with a noose jfc lol

its nice that ritsu still cared to help her even though she thought she was a stalker lol

when she’s on the roof it reminds me of that scene in scary movie when the guy is on the school roof and someone is screaming ‘JUST DO IT’  but not to that guy and he’s like ‘what?! fine!’ omg lol

i feel like ritsu is the only one who had good parents and she still ended up traumatized god this family sucks lol

i feel like we all sort of come to this point though (maybe not so dramamtically or severely) but i feel like a lot of people once they are like 19-21 have this feeling of like what am i even doing here? like what is my purpose? because when you are a kid in school you don’t really think about it like just being a kid is your purpose but then you grow up and its scary trying to find out why you were put here 

it kind of gets hidden in humor and her crazy antics but its really sad that she thinks she’s worthless and has no point in living

i like that tohru says like i don’t think any of us were born with a specific reason to live but that its essentially something we have to find along the way, it can be for a dream or a job or a person. i don’t totally like that tohru says for another person but i get what she means when she said she wants to live for the sake of others, like she finds such joy helping others and making sure her loved ones are ok, but i think at this point she’s still in a place of like doing everything for others and nothing for herself which i think it untimately unhealthy. like kyo says, we need to be selfish sometimes. but her overall meaning of like we have to make that decision for ourselves is a very good one

its so sad though that tohru is basically saying her reason to live was her mother and kind of implying that she doesn’t have a reason to live anymore and is trying to find a new one. its interesting that like with a lot of episodes we get a sohma’s issue but then tohru will also have her own issue that relates so while she is helping others, she is also helping herself along the way.

here goes shigure setting people up again lol, but i love the ritsu/mitchan friendship, i think they are a good match and i’m glad they both found a friend and its cute that they could be that other’s ‘person’ 

i also like that the episode starts and ends with ristu and mitchan apologizing to each other like crazy lol

i kind of think that of all the zodiacs, tohru’s most meaningful impact (other than yuki and kyo) was ritsu, like ritsu was basically suicidal but tohru gave her something to hope for.

but i think this is a good look into how people with anxiety work and like a lot of people on the outside don’t understand and think you’re being dramatic but sometimes you just need someone who gets it and can help you through it <3

well that’s that episode! see you for the next one! and yayyy im excited for season 3 coming in april!

[fireinmoonshot]

REBEL | ARMITAGE HUX x READER | PART TEN

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER.

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX | PART SEVEN | PART EIGHT | PART NINE Summary: Armitage Hux finds himself strangely fascinated by you, a Resistance fighter and pilot, even though he knows he shouldn’t. You know that there’s much more to him than you see on the surface. Pairing: female!Reader x Armitage Hux Fandom: Star Wars Word Count: 3657 Warnings: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER SPOILERS, mentions of death. A/N: Woop, woop! We’ve hit the milestone of ten parts – but the fun is not over yet. I love this part. I mean, I love it so much. I think it’s the most fun I’ve had writing a part since the early parts that followed the storyline of TROS. I hope you’ll all enjoy it just as much, especially because I know that you guys have been looking forward for them to head to Arkanis ever since I mentioned it forever ago. Thank you for all the love so far, so excited for what you’ll think of this one and beyond! Read it on Ao3 here.

The rain, Armitage notices, smells different on Arkanis. It’s cooler, much more fresh, crisper and nicer. But overall, the planet doesn’t smell like he expected it to smell, it doesn’t smell like home, it doesn’t smell like forgotten memories. It doesn’t look like he expected it to look.

It’s raining when the two of you settle the ship down on the ground, as he expected it would be. He’s used to rain after living on Ajan Kloss for a month. This rain, it’s something different. Where Ajan Kloss is humid rain, Arkanis is cold rain. The moment he steps out of the ship with you by his side, the chill air causes goosebumps to arise on his arms.

“This is… not what I was expecting,” Armitage speaks as he looks at the rain falling around him. He’s still under the cover of the ship, but some of the spray still wets his arms and the bottom of his trousers.

“What were you expecting?”

“Not this. I didn’t expect this much rain. Rain, yes, but not this much of it. That sounds rather silly now that I say it, but I’m hoping you know what I mean. I just mean it’s nothing like how I remembered it,” he admits, looking out at the city around him. “This place I’m standing now, the things I’m looking at, I feel like I should remember them. I feel like I should have a connection with this place, but instead I’m looking at it now, and I don’t.”

You cross your arms as you look out at the planet you called home. It does look different, just like Rey had said it would be. You didn’t realise it had been this long since you’d been home. And really, could you even call it your home anymore?

“We’ve only just touched down. There’s plenty of time to start remembering things, or to not remember things at all,” you nudge him.

Arkanis reminds you a little of Kef Bir – only because of the overcast sky and the sound of water, but rain here instead of the ocean. And this time, you’re here with Armitage by your side too. It’s a nice sort of full circle.

“Come on, let’s get going. It took longer than I’d have liked for us to get here and I want to get started as soon as possible.” You step off the ship and out into the rain, narrowly avoiding a muddy puddle to your right. “And I want to see what you remember, or what you don’t.”

You flash him a grin, and Armitage lets out a breathy laugh in reply as he follows you off the ship. The ramp closes behind you, and he follows your lead away from it and down the hill towards the city.

Into the city he once called home.

–

It’s nearly midday when the two of you finally make it into the city. It’s not busy outside, which you blame on the constant rainfall that hasn’t let up since you arrived. It’s one of the only things that you remember as being the same – the rain. When the two of you find a small bar after a few minutes of wandering, that is where you find probably all of the inhabitants of the city.

You’ve never been in here before – and for good reason. You were too young and too preoccupied with flying, and then you’d left Arkanis and thought it would be for good. It feels a little bittersweet, being back.

“What’s our plan, then?” Armitage asks you as you walk towards the bar to order.

“Well, have a drink, settle ourselves, get some energy back from the early start, and then we just start a conversation. Tell them who we are, why we’re here in Arkanis, start talking. It all depends on whether they’re willing to open up to us and let us help them if they need it.”

Arkanis hadn’t been hit so hard by the First Order. It was relatively out of the way, settled firmly in the Outer Rim, and the New Republic had held a firm grip on it for as long as it could. It still remained a wealthy planet because of it, but by the looks of it now, things had changed a little. Things had been changing when you’d left, but you hadn’t noticed them. You’d been too focused on the future ahead of you.

But the First Order had reigned terror over every planet, no matter how strong.

You slide into a seat by the bar and Armitage joins you.

There are people staring at him. He notices.

“What’ll you have?” A woman stares at the two of you from across the bar.

You hesitate. “Uh– two– two moof juices? Please.”

She nods, and then disappears off to get them for the both of you.

Armitage clears his throat. “Everybody in here is staring at us.” He speaks, leaning in close so that only you can hear him. “I think some of them know who I am. Perhaps I should go back and wait in the ship.”

“No, you’re just as important here as I am. We do this together.” You assure him.

His suspicions are confirmed only a few moments later as someone taps him rather harshly on the shoulder, and instinctively, he turns around to look at him.

It’s a large man – taller than him, and bigger in size and frame, too, and Armitage nearly balks at the sight of him. He can’t at all be entirely human. He narrows his eyes as he looks at Armitage’s face, and then turns around and looks at a group of other men and women sitting on a table by the door.

“It is ‘im an’ all, knew it from the secon’ I saw ‘im,” he shakes his head. “You, you’re First Order. Thought the lot o’ you went down in that big fight. How come you made it ou’ alive then, eh? How come you’re posin’ as Resistance?”

Armitage stumbles over his words, and it’s exactly what the man wants.

“You both First Order, then?” His gaze switches to you. “Both posin’ as Resistance, both tryin’ to hide from the rest of the world now that you’ve lost everythin’? ‘Bout time, in my opinion. You ain’t got no place here on Arkanis. Get outta here, both o’ you.”

You shake your head and go to stand. “No, we’re not First Order. He was, but he’s now on our side – he helped us win. We’re here to help with the recovery. To talk and help you find normality again in any way we can.”

The man snorts. “‘Ere to ‘elp with the recovery? Yeah, bollocks.”

“No, really, sir–“

Armitage makes the mistake to stand in a paltry attempt to defend you as the other man takes a step towards you. He regrets his decision just before he lands firmly in a rather deep puddle of water outside the bar, his knees, legs and arms soaked. He groans as the impact takes full force.

You land somewhere beside him, equally soaked, and turn to stare up at the sky – the rain has eased off a little, not much, but a little. And you’re soaked from the puddle anyway, so what does it matter?

“That… did not go as planned.”

He pushes himself to his feet. “I apologise. That was my fault.”

It was a bad idea for him to join you on this trip to Arkanis, even though it had been your idea that the both of you go there together anyway. He’d thought he’d made a good choice in tagging along… but now he just feels shame.

Shame that you are here to help, and he is here to hinder.

He holds a hand out toward you. You take it and accept the help to stand.

“It is not your fault. They’d probably be weary of me if it were just me, anyway,” you shake your head, and then look down at your water soaked shoes. “I have an idea for what we can do instead. At least until some of the locals agree to cooperate.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Change out of these wet clothes?”

“Well, yes. But after that, I’m going to take you on a small tour. Where we hopefully won’t have to run into any locals and get thrown in puddles again. But we might end up accidentally stepping in some anyway.”

He’s confused. “Care to tell me where you’re taking me?”

You meet his eyes and smile. “I’m going to take you to where I grew up.”

–

As soon as you’re out of your wet clothes and dry – or as dry as you can be on a rainy planet – you both leave the confines of the ship again and, instead of heading off down towards the main city, you lead Armitage away from it towards a large, dreary looking forest.

He’s intrigued by your promise – you taking him to where you grew up. It had been the last thing he expected, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t interested about your life here on Arkanis. He’d been gone by the time you were born, since he’d left when he was five, but you’d been here longer than he had been. And he had noticed that you talked about it less. That you skirted around things and thought he didn’t notice.

He does. He notices everything.

Most of all, he notices that you never talk about specifics. You never said why you left Arkanis to join the New Republic Defense Fleet. You never said why you started to learn how to fly or what you did in your spare time while you learnt.

Armitage Hux knows a lot about you, but there were things he doesn’t. Things he wants to know. It works both ways – there are things about him that you don’t know. But they’re the same things he doesn’t know if he wants you to know.

He walks a little behind you as you lead him away from the city and into the forest. The brush above you stops the rain a little, though the ground is still wet and a little muddy and he’s hoping his shoes won’t get stuck.

It feels like you’ve both been walking for hours, and he truly believes that you might have been, when he sees something up ahead.

The place… it looks like a house. But it also doesn’t resemble one at all. It’s round, but one side of it is crumbled to the ground, entirely destroyed, and the other half looks like it’s never been touched. And it’s small – smaller than he’d expected.

“Is this…?”

You nod as you stop in front of it. “This was home. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

Armitage stops beside you, crosses his arms over his chest, looks up at the destroyed house. Where he’d lived on Arkanis, he didn’t know. And it wasn’t like there was anyone he could ask. But he’d expected your home to be… intact. You’ve never said otherwise.

“I know, it’s a bit of a mess,” you smile sheepishly up at him. “But after it was destroyed, I moved away. I got a small room in the city which was closer to where I was being taught to fly. I didn’t have the nerve or the funds to fix it, so I left it.”

He stares at you for a moment, confused. “What about your family?”

“They’re dead – my parents. They died.” You speak simply, and then you feel the need to tell him how and why. And it’s strange – because you’ve never really told anyone, only Poe and Leia, but you’re here with Armitage, and he is the first person seeing the remnants of what your life on Arkanis had been, and you feel like you owe it to yourself to be honest. “When the New Republic took hold of Arkanis, things were fine for a few years. But as time went on, there were some Imperial loyalists still here, floating around, causing trouble when nobody was watching. I was sixteen, and my parents had stood up for someone at the market. Someone who these Imperial loyalists were targeting for their belief in the New Republic. And then, later that night, when I was out flying with my instructor, those same loyalists came here… and did this.”

Armitage feels like his heart is in his throat.

“They did– they did this?”

“Yes.”

He’s never wanted to hug anybody more than you right now. But you’re pretending like everything didn’t happen moments after telling him everything he didn’t know he wanted to know. You’re turning away from the house and taking a deep breath and thanking him for listening. And he can’t bring himself to do it like you would. All he can think about is how grateful he is. How grateful he is that you opened up to him. That he is the first and only person to see the place first hand.

And then things fall back to normal just as rain starts to seep through the leaves above you once more. You’ve forgotten almost entirely about the words you’d spoken, the truth you’d let him into, and you’re back to thinking about your mission.

“I don’t think we’re going to get anymore out of these people today,” you say, looking back towards the city even though all you can see is trees. “We should try again tomorrow. We might have more luck then.”

Armitage, not for the first time, decides not to push.

–

You sit your empty container from dinner down on the grass beside you and lean back against the ramp of the ship. Arkanis looks beautiful out in front of you. The rain has fallen back to a light drizzle, and in the distance you can see the lights of the city, shining brightly. It makes you smile. You can remember seeing that view from your room years ago. It’s different now, but it still carries the same sense of comfort as it always did.

“It’s beautiful here,” you hum.

After the day you’ve had, you’re happy to just have a moment to breathe and feel calm for a second. Even though Arkanis is your home, you’d felt a little out of place all day, and this is the first place you feel like it’s home again… in some way, anyway.

Armitage isn’t looking at the city when he agrees with you.

He’s looking at you.

But then you glance over at him and he tears his eyes away and finally settles them on the lights in the distance. You weren’t going to venture into it again tonight, and your plan of finding a bed in the city was pretty much destroyed by your being thrown out of the bar earlier in the day, and so the ship remained your base.

“So, tell me – what do you remember about this place? Have you remembered anything during our day here?

“Not as much as I would have liked to.”

He looks off into the distance. He remembers that ridge in the mountains, he used to be able to see it from his bedroom window, but from where he sits right now, that’s all he can remember. It’s a little disheartening.

“Well… I used to fly over those mountains,” you start to explain. “When I was just learning, the woman who taught me would challenge me to fly up, out and around them all and be back within a set amount of time. I used to ace it.”

Armitage’s lips quirk up. “I somehow don’t doubt that at all.”

“I’m an incredible pilot, you’ve witnessed it first hand. But I’m not going to go into detail about the time that I nearly crashed an X-wing between those mountains over there.” You point over to the left and Armitage looks at where you point.

“Mmm, probably better to keep my good opinion of you.”

“Oh, there are things I could tell you about me growing up here… I’ll save it, though.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Save it for when?”

“For when we come back.”

Your words take him off guard. “We’re coming back?”

“Uh-huh.” You’re nodding excitedly. “I mean, the locals might not like us very much. But this is home, right? Well, one of them. Whenever we win over the locals, they’ll beg to have us back. And we’ll have to choice but to come back and grace them with our presence.”

He snorts. “I don’t think anyone could say I grace their presence.”

You shrug a shoulder. “You’ve graced mine.”

He nearly chokes on air itself.

He should say something. He can’t think of anything worthy. So, he stays silent. Stares down at the ground in front of him and fiddles with the edges of his own empty container. And he can feel you looking at him, but he can’t bring himself to look up at you. He’s worried about what you’ll see if he does.

And then, you break the silence – by thankfully changing the subject.

“Arkanis, then. Would you live here again? Work here? Find a life here?”

He chooses to stare out at the city as he answers.

“If you’d asked me that when we first got here, I would have said yes. But now, I’m not sure if I could. I think I would be better finding a planet I’ve never been to before. A planet that the First Order never even thought of touching. And then settling myself there in silence.” He pauses. “A place where nobody looks at me like the people here did this morning.”

His words break your heart a little. But you know where he’s coming from – you’d seen those looks in the eyes of the people in the bar. Half of them had been directed at you, and the Resistance uniforms hadn’t saved you from them – hadn’t saved Armitage from them. Still, they found him. Still, those eyes tore down the walls he’d been building up for the past month to cover the First Order part of him.

You can already see him starting to rebuild them.

“You have Ajan Kloss for as long as you want it. You know that, right?”

He nods. Once.

You take that as your cue to slowly shuffle over closer to him, so you’re sitting right beside him. You nudge him with your elbow, and finally he looks at you again.

There’s a look in his eyes you’ve never seen before.

“It’s not going to be like this forever. The strange looks, the judgemental people. It’s just like this for now. And soon enough, things will change and the First Order will just be a bad memory. And you’ll be free to live the life you want to without fear of others judging you for it.”

Armitage looks down at you, looks into your eyes, and his lips quirk up into the smallest of smiles, but you still see it. And your words – they’re words that he wanted to hear, but words he didn’t know he wanted to hear. It’s like they’ve travelled straight to his heart and hit home.

Because a different Armitage wouldn’t have believed in them. But him – this Armitage, the one he is now, the one he’s happy to be, does. He believes them. He has to. He has to believe that the First Order is soon going to be nothing but a bad memory. He has to believe that there will soon be better. That better will come.

You smile sweetly up at him then, and his breath catches in his throat.

He’s looking at you… and you’re looking at him, and something travels between you both in that small moment. And then, Armitage starts to lean in – instinctively. He’s never done this before. He’s never felt a feeling like this before… but he hopes he’s doing the right thing… not overstepping. He wonders if he should ask. He wonders if that would ruin the moment. But no– he should ask. He’s going to ask– and then he notices that you’re doing the same as he is. And–

Something thumps on the grass a few feet away from you, and he jumps. His eyes flicker between you and the source of the noise, and the moment is gone just as quickly as it came. His chance disappears before he even realises it’s gone.

A woman pulls herself up from the grass where she’s just fallen. She looks over at the both of you a little sheepishly. “It’s muddy there– watch your feet if you walk there.”

You glance at her, and then back at Armitage– and your mind whirs with the possibility of what was just about to happen. And… of course there was an interruption.

“I was in the bar this morning,” the woman continues, “and I heard what you were talking about. I didn’t want to say anything then, but I saw you two leaving the market earlier and coming this way. And I wanted to talk to you, so I followed you… I know, that sounds creepy, but I don’t mean it that way. I just… I lost my parents to the First Order… and I don’t know how to resume normal life knowing that the First Order is gone… and I just wondered if you could help.”

And then you’re springing into action.

Armitage watches wordlessly as you stand up and wander over to her, and as you start to talk to her about her inquiry. His eyebrows furrow a little as he stares. As he thinks about what he was about to do. About why he was about to do it. About why he was about to do something he’s never done before in his life.

And he knows. He knows why. He knows why, and it terrifies him.

He’ll have to do something about that.

–

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[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

[aaronhart93]

after work || zara & aaron

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @x-heartbreaker​​

When: early morning March 11, 2020

Mentions: -​

Description: Aaron takes Zara home after he finds her getting attacked outside of work

Trigger Warnings: injuries, assault, stalker/pervy dude

Zara

In the early morning hours, Zara’s shift is finally over. She’s been back and forth between serving in the vip section and bar tending, depending on what’s available on any given day, she picks up as many shifts as humanly possible. That leaves her tired but she continues to push through it. Tonight in the vip section, Ryan is present, just like most nights she’s working there. He’s not someone Zara would have looked twice at but she learned his name early on, as part of the customer experience really, she learned it made her better tips. It’s another night of turning down his advances but smiling through it like the trooper she is. When she cleans up her section and closes down for the night, she’s relieved that she isn’t required to smile anymore and she heads down to wait for her cab home. That’s when he appears again, offering her a ride home, which she politely declines. Before she can even turn her attention back to the street, her body is nearly thrown against the side brick wall of the building in the alleyway between the club and the building next door. The impact of her back hitting the wall and of his body pressing into hers knocks the breath out of her. When she regains her senses her hands are pinned above her head and all she can smell is the alcohol of his breath while his mouth is on her neck. Why isn’t her adrenaline kicking in, it’s like she’s frozen. His other hand his unbuttoning his pants but Zara is busy turning her head away to avoid his mouth getting anywhere near hers. “Get off of me!”

Aaron.

Aaron wasn’t typically at his bars like this so late. He had people for that, and he was already busy enough during the week. He needed to sleep at some point. There were a lot of assumptions about Aaron — some true, some not so true. But no one could say that he didn’t work hard. Tonight, he was entertaining some high profile people and wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly. He introduced himself, and even had a couple of drinks with the group. On the house, of course. Aaron knew that if he charmed the pants off of these people that it would be great for business. When the group finally left, Aaron decided to make his exit and head home to his kid and partners. He looked at the time. It was 4am and he certainly wasn’t sober enough to get in his car and drive himself back to the pent. He needed to just stop driving in the city in general...but he just loved his car. He called for his car service as he made his way out of the back entrance. He shoved his hands in his designer coat then heard someone scream. He turned towards the back alley when he saw one of his staff members being attacked by a patron. “Shit.” He mumbled to himself before making a split second decision to run up to the pair to pull the male off of Zara. He grabbed his clothing by the shoulder and socked him in the face which made him fall to the ground. “Fuck. Are you okay?”

Zara

There isn’t much that surprises Zara these days, not after what she’s been through in the foster system, but somehow this has caught her off guard. She never would have expected that this guy would even have enough balls to try something like this. Is that why somehow she couldn’t fight back? She was already looking for a reason to blame herself, as she always did. Soon the pressure of his body is a weight lifted off of hers and it’s only then that she’s able to try and catch her breath. The throbbing pain in the back of her head is kicking in and she knows there’s got to be some damage there from the force of it hitting the bricks but she isn’t prepared to feel it yet. Immediately she recognizes Aaron and is flooded with embarrassment. “I....” she can’t lie just yet and say that she’s fine but she also doesn’t want to speak not being fine into reality. “Thanks.”

Aaron.

his attention shifted from Zara to the man who was now rolling on the ground beneath him. Aaron delivered a kick to his stomach. Just for good measure. He didn’t really need to hit him again. He just wanted to make sure that he got the message. Don’t fuck with Aaron Hart and the people he cares about. Not to mention, the alcohol running through him made him think he was tougher than he actually was. He physically put himself in front of Zara and the man, who was a regular at the club and whom Aaron was sure never to allow back again. “You fucked up, man. Get lost.” He told him sternly, which must have prompted him to get up off onto his feet and scurry off. The businessman finally turned back to the woman. He wasn’t sure if he should touch her or what? Did she want a hug? A comforting hand on her shoulder? “What a dick.” Aaron looked at her nervously. She seemed....almost frozen. He took his jacket off and offered it to her, holding it out so that he could help her get into it. “Should we get you checked out? My driver can take us to the hospital.” He suggested.

Zara

this entire situation felt like more of an outer body experience than anything. it was almost like she was standing outside of her body and watching it happen without being able to stop it. she winced hearing the contact of Aaron's foot with the mans stomach, not that she didn't think it was deserved. And when he was eventually struggling to stand, the brunette still clenched her eyes shut almost just waiting for what could possibly come next. Thankfully it was retreating footsteps. Eventually she opened her eyes again, reminding herself to breathe. "im sorry i didn't mean to cause a scene." it took her a moment but she slid the jacket over her shoulders, the fact that she was physically shaking not even apparent in her mind. "ill be fine" hospital bills were not something she could even think about right now. "are you ok?"

Aaron.

Aaron was genuinely confused as to how and why Zara thought that she needed to apologize. She was the one being attacked after all. If anything, Aaron should have been sorry for not having some established safety precautions for the staff members getting out of work extra late. He’d need to work on that. It was number one on his to do list this upcoming week. “I’m fine.” He insisted, shaking his head. The adrenaline was actually still pumping through him. He wasn’t even cold without his coat. “And don’t be sorry. I promise that nothing like that is going to happen again. Okay?” He promised the other. He was confused as to why she didn’t want to go get checked out. Was it the money? Or did she not want to spend all night in the ER? “Can I are least call my doctor so he can talk to you to make sure you don’t need to be seen?” He suggested as he got a notification telling him that his ride was parked by the back door. “Let me take you home at least.” He practically pleaded with her.

Zara

The look on his face was telling her that she wasn't saying the right thing, but her mind felt like it was in so many places, yet blank all at once. She was lucky if she could even form a coherent sentence. Didn't she have mace in her purse just for this reason? Zara glanced down at her purse that was still zipped so that didn't do her any good, did it? Even though she was prepared, clearly she wasn't. And now that's boggling her mind. She didn't feel like herself. She could have done better, no doubt. She'd kicked plenty of ass in the past, what happened this time? Shaking her head she looked at him, she knew he was speaking but she hardly listened, so she just agreed when she heard the okay "okay." Reaching up she felt the back of her head, "it's just a bump." except that when she moved her hand, there was very clearly blood on her fingers that she wiped on the dark material of her black skirt. "okay. i guess i didn't have much luck getting a cab..."

Aaron.

"Okay." Aaron nodded once, relieved that she had at least agreed to let Aaron take her home. He was kicking himself for letting this happen to any employee. Maybe if he were paying better attention than this wouldn't have happened. The businessman lead Zara into the car, opening the door for her to let her crawl in first. Once he was in the car, he got on the phone with a doctor. That was the best thing about being rich - your staff was on call for you literally 24/7 because that's what they were paid to do. Zara's apartment wasn't far. Good thing because Aaron was getting nervous; she needed to get ice on the bump as soon as possible. "Do you want me to come up with you? Make sure you get settled okay." He asked, once the driver pulled over to the side. He didn't want to just assume, but he wanted to make sure that Zara got inside okay.February 27, 2021

ZaraBOT — 02/27/2021

shocked is still not an accurate depiction of what Zara felt. She’s mad at herself for not seeing this coming and not being more prepared. Why hadn’t she said anything sooner when she noticed this guy in almost every place she was, work and out of work.  The next thing on her mind was the fear that this might not be the last she saw of him. But beyond that once in the car she was glad to be sitting down, Zara didn’t realize her legs were shaking. On top of that her head was throbbing but before she knew it they were in front of her shabby apartment building. “If you want to, I’m sure I’ll be ok,” though her voice didn’t sound sure. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the help but her shithole apartment was also kind of an embarrassment. Her entire apartment could probably fit in his one bathroom.

Aaron.

The businessman was unsure how to respond to this. He was a guy, and she'd just been attacked by one. Should he have called one of her friends to get her or something? Aaron could see that Zara was visible upset and shaken up. Should he hold her? He was no equipped for this. The millionaire got out of the car and opened the door for her to let her out. "I could walk you up? I won't come in if you don't want me to...I just want to make sure you get up there okay." He suggested, putting a hand on her shoulder without even realizing it and guiding her slowly towards the front doors of her apartment building.

[cass-burger]

Wow stardew really did dunk on cyberpunk didn’t it? I know it’s not exactly the perfect comparison they’re very different games trying to do very different things but I’m totally fine with just having games like stardew (not in terms of gameplay but in terms of scope I guess is the right word). Funny how a game made with love and with no pretentiousness to revolutionize or be the “game with best X” is not only playable on every platform it also has a huge following for a few years now and is still getting updates that are crazy good (and free the updates that is) mean while mister “we’re going to revolutionize gaming with the best and most in-depth character creator ever” got kicked out of the PlayStation store

maybe I just follow all the right people but it really feels to me this year that the games that have actually left a cultural impact on people or that have managed to stay in the conversation space (where others, the typically “big name” titles, have died down a bit after release or don’t even really get talked about at all) are the games that you can clearly see were made with love and cos it’s what people wanted to make and what they truly believed would be just actually fun to play. if i think of the games that came out this year that are still popular and talked about right now i would say among us, fall guys, hades, animal crossing (although that did die down a bit but I feel like that’s got a lot to do with the villager dialogue trees unfortunately being extremely shallow), phasmophobia popped up a bit there towards the end of the year. outside of animal crossing none of these are what you would consider ‘big name’ titles. closest I can think of is fall guys just cos they have the backing of revolver which is a decent sized game company by its own name but even then it didn’t get much airtime at all until it was released and became massively popular. the one thing that all these games have in common at least in my eyes is that they were made with so much love by the creators and it really shines through.

now I’m sure the triple a titles that made shittons of money and won big at the game awards and sold consoles and all that, im sure they were also made with love. i don’t want to say the devs on those games weren’t putting their love into it and weren’t passionate about what they were making cos I can guarantee they were. what I am saying however is that the love being poured into it never got a chance to shine through. now there’s a bunch of reasons for that *cough*CAPITALISM*cough* and I think that the way triple a games are made is actually very restrictive to what the game can achieve. the art style is almost exclusively ~realistic~ to the point that how close to uncanny valley or lifelike or w/e you can get, the better. the hours and exhaustion and lack of good leadership almost always lead to things being overlooked in development resulting in a load of bugs and glitches and general problems with the game, the most well demonstrated example so far being cp77.

now back to the non-big-name, cass’s-personal-decision-of-what-the-most-loved-games-of-2020-were list of games, I’m not gonna say none of those problems were there (well maybe the art style one. none of these games are “realistic” looking lol), I’m saying that even if they were there, the leadership and teamwork and vision and whatever else was good enough that the games we got were fun to play, fun to look at, able to continue to be popular despite having much less “content” than other names, and the ‘made with love’ thing I keep talking about really really shone through.

now to actually get back on topic for this ask, I know stardew valley didn’t come out this year, and it’s definitely taken a bit of a backseat since a few years ago when it was the most popular indie game, but it ticks all of the same boxes as the other games on this list, AND it was made by one man!! Like!! Albeit I’m pretty sure he now has a small team helping him but STILL! basically this very long tangent deviating away from what you were asking is just to say that stardew valley and any other game like it where it doesn’t matter how many people worked on it or how graphically or performance-heavily impressive it is, will always beat out any triple a game as to how much people care about it and want to play and keep playing it well after release. it’s because it’s made with love and the creator/s are able to share that love with people playing it and it makes the people playing it love it all that much more. i honestly can’t say I’m surprised that sv did better than cp77 this year because like of course it did. it was always going to. the content coming out of a capitalistic machine cranking out triple a titles will never be able to live up to the passion project of some dude who doesn’t have a proper desk and just wants to make a cute pixel art game where you farm and romance cute people. it just isn’t possible under capitalism and the way that triple a games are made.

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[itsjustaphase-mom]

Luther Hargreeves

ok listen. i know he is certainly not a fan favourite and i absolutely hated him the first few times i watched ua. but this time, i rewatched it specifically to try to sympathize with luther and guys there are so many things at play here

he doesn’t realize the extent to which his siblings were abused. he brushes klaus off and doesn’t think twice about locking up vanya again because he just assumes they had the same experience. he’s not being an asshole (on purpose), he just never stopped to think about the fact that being Hargreeves’ favourite made life a lot easier for him.

similar to the first note, he never stopped to consider the implications of having powers that hurt to use. he has super strength, something that, compared to some of the other powers in the family, is nothing. he just doesnt realize what seeing corpses is like, which is why he doesnt get klaus’ addiction (and to be fair, neither do the rest of his siblings). Same with Vanya. He doesn’t think about what it’s like to learn you have powers after being told you’re horribly boring and average your whole life, nor what it’s like to find out your memory was erased. he had it a lot easier than his siblings, but he doesnt think about that. that leads to some poor decisions and awful seeming actions, but keep in mind that we know a lot more than he does about his siblings. we’ve seen their pain but he hasnt. no one in this damn family communicates, so he just doesnt get it. i wish hed stop to think about how other people feel every once in a while, but itd also help if they just straight up said “hey being high keeps the gory corpses out of my field of view, im not a fan of this either” to help him understand. he wasnt taught empathy, but he tries for the most part. honestly, the fact that he turned out that nice considering what he grew up with? kind of incredible

hes not just obsessed with the moon. and to be fair, he has a right to it? i mean i havent stopped talking about this show for 2 months and ive had other things happening in my life. he was alone up there for 4 years. that doesnt give you much conversation material. and also, bringing up the idea that the apocalypse could be caused by the moon makes sense because, yeah, he was sent up there by their dad who knew about the apocalypse (whether luther was aware of that or not). He was up there to look for threats, so its not that odd to consider that the threat he was watching for could have caused the apocalypse...oh speaking of which HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE MOON IT DID CAUSE THE APOCALYPSE

i think a lot of people like to ignore the fact that he was also abused. sure, it wasnt to the extent of klaus or vanya but he had a horrible childhood nonetheless which messed him up too. he wasnt taught a lot of the things we take for granted so like i said earlier, the fact that he’s not completely deranged is astonishing

also can we mention the horrible trauma he went through? like lmao monkey man but oh my gosh can you imagine? he almost died (in a horribly painful way) and woke up months later with a fucking gorilla body. he’ll never look like a normal person again. he probably will never be able to look in the mirror and like what he sees (you can find out first hand what its like to be me so GATHER ROU-) yes everything Klaus went through was horrible but Luther has lived through some fucked up shit too and i think we like to ignore that because he’s not very likeable

the scene with vanya. it hurts me every time i think about it. HOWEVER. i understand why he did it. do i think he made the right choice? fuck no. but i get why he did what he did. Vanya was extremely dangerous. She caused the apocalypse. she literally killed everyone on earth. these arent things we should brush over. (and yes i love vanya but that’s not what we’re talking about here) she very nearly killed Allison, and he doesn’t know her well enough to know if she’s here to genuinely apologize or finish the job. He just knows he has a responsibility not only to his family, but to the entire world. so he makes a tough decision. it hurts him too, look at his face. he doesnt want to do it but he doesnt think he has any other options.

about dismissing klaus: he has good reason (at least in his head). klaus is intoxicated constantly, and like i mentioned before, he doesnt realize its because of his powers. he just thinks klaus is trying to have a good time, and to be fair, klaus tries to hide his vulnerability (for the most part) so luther wouldnt know any better. in the end when he tells him to be a lookout? justified. the man is heavily suffering from withdrawal (or intoxicated, to luther’s knowledge? i cant remember if luther knows or not or whether he believes him for that matter) which is gonna impact his reaction time, and he doesnt have powers that can help anyway (as far as luther knows). yes, he was trained alongside them and allison is allowed to help despite also lacking usable powers; however, she is in a clearer state of mind and a lot healthier. She can physically fight. Klaus just kinda...jumps on people’s backs for the most part. Did you see her fight Cha Cha? *swoons* no but seriously, Allison is still highly skilled and in far better shape than Klaus. He’s a liability and staying outside is safer for everyone (again, as far as luther knows) all this being said, the way he treats klaus when hes drunk is Disgusting, Abhorrent, and Unacceptable. i understand that he doesnt realise his own power but thats inexcusable

luther x allison is gross, i agree HOWEVER they were not raised as adopted siblings, they were raised more closely akin to a boarding school. their dynamic had always been romantic; they never saw themselves as siblings. yes, i do find it very odd that literally everyone else considers each other siblings, but im just saying that their dynamic has always been different and technically it’s not really incestuous (im not condoning it, i hate it personally i just can see why its not the worst thing ever? its still pretty yikes though. also shipping literally any other characters IS fucking gross because the rest of them see each other as siblings and always have so gtfo with klaus x diego or klaus x ben g r o s s)

those are the main complaints ive seen (and voiced myself)... basically it all boils down to the facts that 1. he was abused, just like his siblings 2. he doesnt stop to think about how other people are thinking or feeling 3. hes just trying to do what is best for his family (and the world). I sympathize with monkey man. He deserved better. I really hope in the next season he’ll pause to consider things every once in a while (and that klaus will open up because he’s not useless but he’s not explaining to anyone why he does the things he does and he needs to!!) so yeah was this basically just me yelling at me from a week ago? yes. does anyone care? probably not but i felt it had to be done. anyway im done ranting for now....if i missed anything lemme know

[andymull]

WWE NXT Takeover Toronto 2019 – Preview & Predictions

Adam Cole (c) vs Johnny Gargano – NXT Championship 2 Out Of 3 Falls Match

The third big match of their rivalry takes place tonight, and truthfully mostly everything has already been said about both guys. The extra touches to this feud recently have been some great video packages put together by the NXT team, the Cole celebration tour video visiting Gargano’s father as well as his gym, and this weeks hype video were both awesome in adding the extra touches to make this feel different to the other matches.

Now the added difference here with the 2 out of 3 falls stipulation is both guys getting to select their own stip to one of the falls, and NXT GM William Regal adding one for the 3rd fall if needed. A straight one on one match as well as a street fight have already been chosen by the competitors, but come on this is blatantly going 3 falls so all comes down to Regals choice. The smirk/grin that Regal gave during this weeks show when talking about it had got me thinking one of two things, either we go completely comedic to confuse everyone and Regal names the 3rd fall as musical chairs. Or, they go 1-1 and both guys are yelling at Regal to make a bigger stip like a first blood match for example, Regal must beat it and announces, ‘loser leaves NXT’. The crowd will pop in confusement and shock and both wrestlers will love the chance to vanquish the other, then we can have them regret the decision very quickly after allowing some interesting promos after by Regal in regretting the decision but HAVING to go big. Maybe just a cage match with weapons....

I don’t see the result here going any other way than Cole walking out as champion as I need Gargano to be out of the title picture as he has bored me a fair bit lately, out of NXT or not I just need him doing something fresh for awhile – COLE

Shayna Baszler (c) vs Mia Yim – NXT Women’s Championship Match

Ive been saying it for months but is this actually the time to take the title away from Shayna and close out her second title reign? The women’s division does need a change as she’s mowed threw most of the women she’s faced, but, I don’t really rate Yim that highly.

After Mia came in I said to friends that I don’t rate her but gave her time to show me more in her NXT run, but she really hasn’t done too much to impress me sadly. The story is there for her, the video package was great, but her in-ring isn’t my favourite (not saying she’s awful in the slightest) and calling herself the HBIC is dreadful. If you’re outside of the WWE and a heel then great the Head Bitch In Charge is a decent gimmick to sell shirts from, but in the WWE the Head Baddie In Charge (or Blasian) just sounds stupid especially as she’s a face lol

But as I mentioned I still think they have her take the strap, more on Shayna later, then we move to Io moving into the title scene and quickly taking the belt herself – YIM

Pete Dunne vs The Velveteen Dream (c) vs Roderick Strong – NXT North American Triple Threat Match

This match should be great, all talented guys that will be around for years growing and growing, and for this match I see Roddy being the guy to shine. He’s been such a monster in the ring for quite awhile now and goes so far under the radar its unbelievable, if the guy was a foot taller he’d be in main events on Raw or Smackdown destroying people.

I did originally want a longer Dream title reign but to be honest he’s a character that really doesn’t always need a title to defined him and his character, so its not a big loss if he does indeed lose. And we don’t really know about Dunne and if he’s over in NXT for awhile or just a one off, I lean to him being around for longer and being the next challenger for this title but really he should be on Smackdown making an impact right now for me – STRONG

The Street Profits (c) vs The Undisputed Era – NXT Tag Team Championship Match

Another match I sadly see as being pretty easy to predict, with the Profits being on Raw weekly they really are just counting down the days with NXT until the move is a full one, and the final chapter they need to close is that of having the tag titles. But the main thing here is that they NEED to have a top notch quality match tonight to see them make the move more smoothly, if they stink up the joint they may see their NXT stay extended (they wont, don’t worry).

Will be nice to see them make the jump to Raw but really are a team that needs more seasoning for another year as the top guys in the division, as they really haven’t had a long run on tv compared to others as they seem to have been slightly streaky in their appearances for awhile. Plus, I think the company is missing a trick by not having them both make the jump with Bianca Belair at their side, all three as equals making an impact all motivating each other to success, would be a super positive stable.

Sadly the Undisputed Era don’t seem to be close to getting called so while in NXT I need them all in main events as much as possible, I don’t think they fully know what they have with the group until they don’t have them. These guys are vital in getting newer wrestlers tv ready as well as giving them vital in-ring experience working with great wrestlers. Plus the key thing for me is that if you hadn’t noticed this show will finish with ALL of the Undisputed Era holding gold to close the show…… - UE

Candice LaRea vs Io Shirai

A second women’s match on a Takeover, at last, this match should be really fast paced and passionate with both women being great. Io’s new heel character is undoubtedly awesome and if your more than just a WWE viewer you’ve most likely seen her before and know the damage she can produce. And isn’t it nice that Candice finally is getting the chance and a bigger spotlight to shine her-self, as she really hasn’t had the focus she deserves since joining the company (Hi Keith!)

A one-sided match this should become but that doesn’t mean it wont be fun along the way, Io takes the win and moves higher up the card. Man, how much better and more passionate though would this have been if Kairi hadn’t have been called up and Io had turned on her? – SHIRAI

 This should, as usual, be a really fun NXT Takeover, albeit a heel heavy winners side.

I have a feeling there may be afew callups in the near future and some of the results tonight may make it clearer as to who will be gone soon or who will be wound down slightly over the next month before leaving. Dream/Profits/Shayna are the main people im thinking about and the ones to keep an eye on, I expect the Profits to take a round of applause after their bout similar to Ricochet and Black did previously.

As well as the matches announced I think they may still do something with Riddle/Dain after them not having their match on this weeks tv, maybe a quick match or another big angle to setup something for tv perhaps?

The depth they have currently is massive when you cant guarantee a Matt Riddle match, let alone having Keith Lee under contract and not really doing anything solid with him in a year, or Kushida who hasn’t been a focus the past few weeks after being focused on pretty heavy since his debut.

And to lead on from that Im not sure we really need more guys coming BACK to NXT from the main roster, Breeze/Dango/Crews and potentially more. While it does give them the chance to alter their gimmicks and regain some confidence from how they’ve been handled the past few years on the main roster, they really just are taking tv time from others that need it more. The problem we have is that the company aren’t releasing people anymore with AEW as competition so many guys are just backstage during Raw watching the show or eating in catering, at least the guys mentioned are guys that have requested to move down to help theirselves better what they do, but at the same time they’ve had the opportunity and haven’t been able to cling to it while others are desperate for that same opportunity. But hey, this is a topic we could talk on A LOT more another time.

Enjoy the show folks and keep your eyes peeled, I smell a breakout guys invasion with Stokely looking for someone to manage.

Bye for now

Andy

[teyrnacousland]

im curious, what's your opinion on the "save the keep" or "save amaranthine" choice? which did you pick? what do you see in favour and against for both choices? im curious because i've still yet to get to that point with my canon warden and idk what choice to make and how it impacts later ingame, i guess?

My personal choice might be a kind of disappointing answer, to be honest. I saved the Keep because I left some of my favourite companions there. I’d heard somewhere that your companions could die for real in Awakening if you made the wrong choices, but I didn’t know how. So when everyone was like “hey let’s go on this suicide mission” I was like NOPE you guys are staying HERE where it’s SAFE. But then you get to Amaranthine and they’re like “hey the Keep is under attack do you want to go back and save them or just leave them to fend for themselves” and I was OH WAIT I MESSED UP, so I went back to save them. 

Without that I was kind of on the fence, so I’m kind of glad I had that to help me make the decision. I can see benefits to both options, and it really depends on what kind of character you’re roleplaying. So here’s my list of reasons to save each, because I love lists! 

Save Amaranthine

Gain the people’s trust by being their hero (especially important if the Warden-Commander is Orlesian.)

Emotional reasons. There are innocent people in Amaranthine.

Political reasons. Burning down a city is not great for your reputation. (Again, especially for an Orlesian Warden-Commander. But the rumours find a way to spin it against you no matter who you are, i.e. blaming mages or elves if you’re a mage or an elf and calling it a political ploy for power if you’re a human noble)

Since you saving the city is such an uplifting heroic tale, you get support from all over Fereldan in the form of donations which help you rebuild both the city and the Keep

Amaranthine is an old city with lots of history. 

Amaranthine is important for trade (Anders says trade will collapse without it)

The Keep has a higher chance of being able to fend for itself, since it’s a fortress full of trained soldiers whereas the city is just a bunch of civilians

Anders is upset if you don’t and I love him

Save Vigil’s Keep

The continued existence of the Keep and the Wardens is important to the survival of the people. It’s possible more people will die in the long run, since so many of the wardens and soldiers will be dead, injured, or busy restoring the Keep and won’t be as able to protect the people.

Your friends/coworkers/underlings are back at the Keep. If you have a personal attachment to any of them, this can be an important factor.

Saving Amaranthine is a high risk mission with no guaranteed reward. When you get there the Constable tells you that pretty much everyone is likely either dead or infected. You might go through all that trouble fighting darkspawn only to find that there’s no one left in the city and you’ve sacrificed your Keep for nothing but a few empty buildings. Or some, or even all, of the people you save could be infected with the Blight and you’ll have to kill them anyways. We as players know there are still survivors, but the WC doesn’t know that. 

(This was one of the most important factors in my WC’s decision.)

Amaranthine can be rebuilt (and rebuilding it helps the Wardens earn back some of the citizens’ trust)

There are a bunch of refugees outside the city walls who’ve been begging you to let them in the city. I’m sure they and other refugees would be happy to move in to the new Amaranthine. (I wouldn’t use this as a deciding factor, since killing the people in a city to make room for new people is pretty messed up. But it is a bright side to an overall pretty bleak decision IMO)

Like I said, it really comes down to what you, or your character, think is more important. Neither option has any impact beyond Awakening’s own epilogue slides (at least, I don’t remember it even being mentioned in DA2 or DAI, and I just watched some clips of Nathaniel’s DA2 appearance on YouTube and he doesn’t mention it). Each option has its own drawbacks and benefits (as listed above) in said epilogue slides.

[thecodewordis-snail413]

hhhh revelation

another megamedia thing that started in 2009, that is the perfect way to explain homestuck!

the MCU.

for one thing, at this point if youre not into them youre probably too overwhelmed by the sheer amount of different content and the insanely complex timelines of events.

but so, the mcu is based off comics, but its a series of movies, and there are some tv shows that add into it.

homestuck started as a webcomic, but it took reader suggestions for commands that would influence the characters minor decisions, originally it was single frame drawings and short animations, but moved onto longer animations and "ended" with the longest animation yet, then went onto adding plot via snapchat stories.

both hs and the mcu have books to bring the movies/comics into a different level of comprehensibility (not necessarily better), which also have behind the scenes/commentary, or like dvd commentary.

they also both have videogames and merchandise and other comics that are not canon but add to the richness of the universe (for hs, thats paradoxspace.com)

but more than the medium, theyre similar in their timeline and plot!!

which is what really made me excited about this.

right so we start out kind of en media res in both.

iron man is the first mcu movie, and im pretty sure it does literally take place in 2009 (just like homestuck), and a TON of stuff that will be shown to us later actually takes place before that moment and will have obviously been essential to this moment (captain america & captain marvel= the creation of the avengers & the first appearance of an infinity stone, the alpha (beforus) and beta (alternia, vriskas gen) trolls= the original sburb/sgrub sessions, origins of the main villains).

Then it moves around and slowly introduces more characters in the same time (jade, rose, dave, & thor, hulk, modern captain america) while hinting at characters before them that will come up later (the trolls, bucky barnes, villains in both) and events driving the plot, developing the characters, and shaping the story (act 1 of homestuck is mostly john trying to get his god damn mail, but it ends up revealing a lot of plot and character relationships, and the pre-avengers MCU movies developed the characters as individuals and set up story elements for later, but is mostly about smaller scale things than once it gets to avengers).

then the team up happens, the avengers/the kids entering sburb, and it changes everything on supermassive scales forever, but also its just a symptom of the way that things are already set to go on much more cosmic scales.

then of course in homestuck its like one whole day hasnt even passed yet, while in the mcu its been three years, BUT after the one day in hs three years pass before they get to the next thing they need to do.

but anyway then we meet the next group thats going to be part of this, in hs its maybe a much closer relationship but still.

so we get the guardians of the galaxy movies and hivebent, where we meet the beta trolls (vriska gen), a group of people who also have a big impact on the plot, either in that they also have infinity stone business or in that they literally created the first group we met and also all of their problems but also all of their problems were predestined to happen anyway so its like a whole thing.

anyway, they seem kinda separate at first but then its revealed that the villain/s have major stakes with both groups, and then its revealed that there are more people also (like the dancestors, cherubs, carapacians, and roxy & her gen of bros in hs and the kree, ravagers, and tons of alien planets) who are all relying on both groups to team up and save all of literal reality.

in meeting the dancestors in openbound, and the skrulls and kree in captain marvel, a little more lore is divulged to really complete the picture of what is going on, whos been doing what, whos been controlling/ed manipulating/ed by whom and what did they do, what are the cosmic repercussions, are our friends going to be okay...

(also, yeah, avengers age of ultron and civil war are great parallels to when the hs ppl had to fight the condesce and jack/bec noir and the period of planning to fight lord english where everyone had completely different ideas and there were major divisions in everyone, or civil war could also be like when the beta trolls all had that crazy ass time on the meteor kind of while the beta kids (john and rose and co) were doing their game but also kind of after that because timelines but anyway when eridan and gamzee and vriska all go apeshit for different reasons and everyone except karkat terezi and gamzee die in at least some way)

so yeah but now everyones done a bunch of stuff together and finally you see that most bad guys theyve dealt with before were actually working for, knowingly or otherwise, the MAIN VILLAIN (thanos/lord english), and so they become aware of the main threat and start preparing and maybe theres some shenanigans involved (john gets reality changing powers and changes the past few years so so much dunno really what happened and what was fake anymore but also a lot of things are a hella lot better so everyone gets shit done and is better prepared for the FIGHT, earths secret weapons all over the world get revealed/cultivated/come back like Black Panther, Vision& Wanda, dr strange &the time stone, Spiderman, thor, hulk &captain marvel.)

and now its time to fight the big all-powerful alien dumb jackass, be it the purple murderer with the infinity gauntlet or the Lord of Time snake skull billiards guy, with EVERYONE vs him (,billions of dead ghosts or just everyone alive).

in homestuck, yeah billions die and they create a black hole but they succeed in making a new universe that finally doesnt have any problems like earth (johns, the one we started out with) did, and everyone whos left alive can enjoy it, and they can make a bunch of people to populate it (then travel forward in the new planet {Earth c}s time 5000 years to give the population time to take root and develop, then they take over and are greeted as the gods they are (the inhabitants could always kinda see them outside the bubble of time travel, so they never stopped knowing about them) and then they took over and made their kingdoms and just lived the hell outta brand new Good Life™.

in the mcu, we dont know yet but i geniunely hope its okay.

anyway thats two of the ways that the mcu is homestuck and im sure ill think of more throughout my lifetime but i hope this was comprehensible.

[onisionhurtspeople]

i’m 100% for lainey labeling their gender in whatever way feels right for them, dressing however feels right, and using whatever pronouns feel right. i’m not gonna doubt or question their identity or anyone else’s. what rubs me the wrong way is how they emulate and almost fetishize the “teen” aesthetic. when they’ve said they look like a 12 year old boy and implied that it was attractive/hot/a good thing, i was kinda creeped out. idk how to explain it but i think it sends a really bad message.

Ah, yeah, that’s another thing I’ve been considering writing about for a while: how much Lainey seems to fetishize adolescence. Get ready for another one of my pointless tl;drs that nobody ever reads or cares about, y’all!

If Lainey was removed from the context surrounding the reasons why we all spend so much time scrutinizing her behavior in the first place, I doubt most people would have a problem with the fact that she seems almost pathologically obsessed with portraying herself as a 15-year-old girl in both style and personality, rather than as the 23-year-old wife and mother of two that she is. 

But the issue, of course, is that Lainey’s preferences do not exist in a vacuum; they mean something, and that’s what we’re here to analyze. She is married to a man who fetishizes teenage girls himself, because they’re easier to control and manipulate. She indulges in, and relates to, a culture that heavily emphasizes youth and immaturity (referring to boyfriends as “daddy”, having a DDlg (Daddy Dom/little girl) fetish, being “taken care of” by men (and treated like a little princess in bed), constantly alluding to not knowing what they’re doing in life, assuming a guileless pose in selfies that reflect a certain youthful confusion and spontaneity, constantly referencing their childlike habits (”touch my butt and buy me pizza”, “I have no idea what I’m doing”, “im a crybaby” flavors of meme), dressing like a 12-year-old in overalls, children’s Pokemon panties, and pastel-colored hair and clothing with simplistic, childlike patterns, etc - not that I think there’s anything inherently wrong with any of these things, but all of these pieces of the puzzle fit together to paint the picture of a person who is unhealthily obsessed with living out their life as a teenager. You guys know the ~aesthetic~ that I’m trying to drive at here).

She indulges in cultural trends targeted towards children and young teens. Her entire personality revolves around sensitivity, helplessness, passivity; she exudes anxiety, uncertainty, and confusion; and openly discusses being so sensitive that she becomes completely overwhelmed by even the most simple of tasks that adults are expected to be able to do. And again, I’m not saying that these are inherently negative traits (although obviously when these qualities run your life, it can become problematic); but Lainey seems almost proud of these traits. She’s more than just open about it. She brags about them. She romanticizes them. She constructs elaborate internal fantasies around them. Her entire identity revolves around being a ~smol sensitive anxious space prince daddy~. 

On top of all these things, almost everybody that she hangs out with or considers to be her friend (from Sarah, who lives with her, all the way down to the girls who she interacts with on Discord) is a teenager. She does not speak to women her own age. It’s bizarre. I used to have a friend who was quite a bit younger than me, by three and a half years - the first time we met in real life was on her 16th birthday, and I was 19, almost 20; and despite the fact that we were best friends and that I had so many other friends my own age, there was a very obvious and noticeable difference in our maturity levels. I’m not saying that uneven friendships like this can’t work or are inherently inappropriate, but again, within the context of Lainey’s life, it’s an enormous red flag that she seems to be unable to relate with women her own age, and can only form friendships with teenage girls between the ages of 15 and 21. Even outside of the context of her marriage (because let’s not forget that she’s married to a man who openly admits to having a sexual preference for young women, because they’re at “peak fertility” according to him), the fact that she relates the most with teenage girls is a huge indication that Lainey herself is either a) extremely mature, b) purposely seeks to enter uneven friendships with younger girls because it balances the friendship in her favor, giving her more power and control (which wouldn’t surprise me if true, given that she’s married to Onision - she needs to be able to exercise control in SOME way), c) is emotionally stunted and frozen at the age of ~18 due to Onision’s influence on her psychological development, or d) a sexual predator who herself prefers teenage girls. I’m sure everybody has their own theory on why this is, but personally I think it’s probably a mixture of all four, with option c being the most prominent motivation. 

I think Lainey projects herself onto teenage girls because she feels very much unprepared for this world, threatened by it, and does not trust her own ability to navigate adulthood successfully. In this regard, I think Greg managed to find almost a perfect partner for himself - a girl who is trapped in her adolescence in perpetuity (largely by choice, but partly through direction by Onision), who purposely cuts herself off from growing and learning and emerging as a young adult because it’s less dangerous and challenging for her to remain within her psychological safe zone, being coddled like a baby and completely controlled and taken care of by Greg, who looks after all of the hard things in her life that she struggles with (doing taxes, making money, going outside to get groceries, paying bills, interacting with strangers, making appointments, earning a living wage) - all of the practical, adult things that Lainey is terrified of doing, because it’s so overwhelming to her. Greg, of course, loves this. Lainey is his ideal partner: a woman who needs to be with a man like him, who defines her entire identity for her. A man who directs her, tells her what to do, is domineering and aggressive, and who makes all of her decisions for her. Tells her what to do, who to be, what to feel, how to act. A man who has complete control over every aspect of her life. A narcissist (him) and an inverted narcissist, or codependent (her). 

And so this is why Lainey is so obsessed with portraying herself as a teenager. Teenagers hit that sweet spot in between childhood and adulthood that Lainey feels trapped by in perpetuity. On the one hand, she is not a child - she is a sexual being; she has kinks, and preferences, and desires to express herself and her sexual identity. On the other hand, though, neither is she an adult - she is immature, self-absorbed, has an unstable sense of self, doesn’t know who she is, hypersensitive, anxious, gets overwhelmed easily, indulges often in her learned helplessness, and makes no attempt to change any of this - she revels in her dysfunction; she romanticizes it. And there is no age that typifies this combination of traits better than a teenage girl does. She doesn’t just relate to teenagers; she wants to be a teenager, forever–and in some ways, she really is, because the interference of Greg on Lainey’s emotional, psychological, social, and sexual growth has had a catastrophic impact on her development. She is essentially a 16-year-old girl trapped within the body of a 23-year-old mother of two. And that’s exactly what she wants. 

I think what’s ultimately going to be what destroys Greg and Lainey’s marriage is that eventually, Lainey is going to be too old for Greg, and he’s going to feel compelled to pick up another 17-, 18-, and 19-year-old girl again from his existing pool of die-hard fans. Already it’s quite apparent that Greg is bored of Lainey (as evidenced by the fact that he is still actively trying to find women to cheat on her with, even after what happened with Billie); but once the cost of maintaining her becomes more expensive than the cost of replacing her with a new, hot, young, alternative, impressionable teenage girl, he will do what he tried to do once before with Billie, and eject Lainey in favor of a new wife to manipulate. And the whole process will start all over again, until the day that either Greg dies, or he becomes incapable of drawing in new women. And at that point, sadly, the fact that Lainey is still a teenager - but only on the inside - will end up becoming the most painful struggle of her life, when she is forced to take on all of the adult responsibilities that Greg currently carries for her, and realizes that she is dangerously under-qualified to live her life as an adult woman instead of a pampered, permanent 16-year-old girl. 

(Sadly - or maybe luckily - I think that Lainey is the type of woman who needs to be in a relationship with someone like Greg (an inverted narcissist; in other words, a codependent), so I guess here’s to hoping that when this inevitably happens, she will quickly find herself a new narcissist to date and define her entire identity for her, I suppose?)

Press F to pay respects for this ridiculously, unnecessarily long fucking essay that I just wrote that NOBODY is going to read. Praise the Noodle Lord. Amen. 

[wrestlewriting]

Be Here Now, Pt. 2 [Adam Cole]

Title: Be Here Now, Part Two of ? Be Here Now Part one. (This is the sequel to Insolence. To read Insolence (which is recommended) here you go: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine,Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve) Characters: Adam Cole/Brenna(OC) Genre: Angst. Drama. Romance. Length: ~4,900 Warnings: All the cussin’. Summary/Inspo: What if I fall? I won't let you fall. What if I cry? I'll never make you cry. And if I get scared? I'll hold you tighter. When they're tryna get to you baby, I'll be the fighter. 

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It’s been a while so this is the old taglist with some new addons. But if you want on or off, let me know!

@running-ropes @chasingeverybreakingwave @thegenericluchadora @wrestlingismyguiltypleasure @theprestigious0ne @alexahood21 @castielscamander @cosmicswimming @spine-buster @crookedmoonsaultpunk @morgunsilver @wrasslin-rollins @imnobodiesbitch @morgancorbin @reigningambrollins @bbmbabe @tyferbebe @allhailthe-demonking @rebelfleur22 @alynevelludo2 @im-indestructible @heelstarla @sixdegreesofsamson @vixxyvampire @ihtscuddlesbeeetchx3 @valeonmars @pjanina13 @bolieve-that @sleeplessandcynical @nopeitsnat @superkixbaybay @thedeboniardevistation @bulletbaybay @msgem @karleedaniels27 @heeltothequeen @noscetiipsum @nonnirenea @demonskingslayer @shuten-d0ji

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Philadelphia and The Arena always had a special feel to it when it came to Ring of Honor. The city was the birthplace of the promotion yes, but it was also the city that always had open arms for the indy wrestling business.

The feeling of tonight though was something else, at least backstage.

Brenna had thought the previous show was electric, but tonight’s felt heavier than that.

Today was Adam’s last with Ring of Honor. His last TV taping, his last time in an ROH ring for who knew how long, maybe forever. His last night as a contracted wrestler for any company. That was only temporary, she knew, but it was still something. The PPV and leaving Bullet Club had been one thing, but Adam was walking away from a sure thing in his career entirely tonight.

While Adam was in talks with places, talks could always go wrong, and that could change his projected career path. But after tonight, he was a free agent, and he seemed excited about that actually. Having some time to truly do as he pleased, it was something he hadn’t had in years. There was an endpoint in sight, but it wasn’t set in stone. So for now, it was a chance to rest, recharge, rediscover his passion. Spend time with her, which she selfishly was going to demand the most of.

“So, what’s on your agenda for the night?” Nick inquired, bringing Brenna’s attention back to the table of her friends.

“Dark match for the second taping, then announcing the last two shows,” she answered before picking up her drink and taking a long gulp of water. “You guys are all coming to the house after right?”

Both Bucks nodded, as Adam sat back down at the table, having been off talking to someone in production.

It had been Adam’s idea to have a party at his house after the show. He had said he had two reasons for it: one, an opportunity to have everyone together one last time, and two, a way to put a positive spin on his last night so it wasn’t so bogged down in emotion.

For Brenna, it had only brought her stress. She was a planner, and she’d been running around crazy on their day off yesterday to get everything she felt they’d need for the occasion. Food, drinks, flatware, ice…. Adam deserved the best kind of sendoff, and she was going to do all she could to make it happen.

There was a good chance some of his family members were at his place right this moment, setting up, and putting up some decorations she’d gotten for the occasion. Adam had no idea about this, and she was hoping his brother had kept it that way. He was the most likely candidate to slip up.

“Try not to destroy my house tonight,” Adam requested of his friends as he joined the conversation. The Bucks barely reacted, whereas Marty laughed outright. Adam raised his eyebrows at this.

“I guess I’ll be in charge of good ol’ Party Boy here,” Brenna decided, nodding in Marty’s direction.

“I would be honored,” he replied, causing her to laugh.

Tonight was going to be a lot of things, a lot to work through, but as long as Brenna had the people at this table with her, and many others that were wandering around, everything would be fine.

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~ 

Adam found himself standing in the gorilla area of the arena, his eyes focused on the monitor on the table. The Women of Honor match on the second show taping of the night wasn’t going to be televised, but it was happening in the arena.

And his girlfriend, for all her underrated talent and lack of mainstream exposure, was a big part of this match.

It was a tag affair, with Brenna taking on the tough baby-faced role, a role he hadn’t played in a long time. But she was so good at it, better than he ever was. She had a way about her in the ring, and equally, outside of it, that just drew people to her, made people support and believe in her, made people want to know her. Made people seek comfort from her, an opinion, an honest ear.

He had always felt he had a lot to learn from her, though he’d never told her as much.

He really should.

Watching as she did a perfect spinning roundhouse kick to her opponent made his chest swell with pride. That was his girlfriend out there kicking ass.

His girlfriend, who’d he see much less of in the ring live going forward. His girlfriend, who’d he’d see much less of period going forward most likely.

Even though there were no contracts signed at that moment, it was no secret what would probably happen within the next couple months with his career. He was hopeful, honestly, that things would stay on the path they were already on. But that meant it was unlikely he’d still be based in Pennsylvania.

Adam knew his decisions for his own career directly impacted her. For all her support and deflective statements, he knew that what he was doing mattered to Brenna. She could spend all day, until she was out of breath, telling him how much she only wanted the best for him, and he would still have his doubts. Not doubts about the fact she wanted the best for him, no, he trusted that. But that it was the only thing that mattered to her, that he didn’t believe.

He knew that if the roles were reversed, and he was staying on the indy scene for a long time and she was going off to do as she pleased, he would not be so calm and collected about it. They had gone through too much struggle, too much bullshit, for him to just say ‘OK, yep, you do that, and we’ll figure it out’. He needed her close.

Why was he leaving her then? Not leaving her, but he was putting a wrench in their lives and plans. Creating a less consistent contact for them to have. This was solely on him to be changing their lives. He felt selfish…because he was being selfish. He knew he had the right to advance his career, do what he saw fit for himself but still….

This wasn’t the first time he’d put wrestling above other things, and it probably wouldn’t the last. It wasn’t that other things didn’t matter or affect him. He just had such a drive for his career that it had always been a hard balance to make with other parts of his life, like family and relationships. Though, in fairness, he used to be a lot more reckless and self-seeking than he was being now. Before, he would have done what he thought was best for himself in the ring without any thought elsewhere. Before, he had let relationships in his life deteriorate as he chased his dreams.

Now, he wanted to know Brenna was OK with how things were, had to have her at least OK with things before he could advance with his ideas.

As he watched her get tagged in again, and immediately throw several elbows at her opponent, he started to think about what her life would be like with him gone.

He would be remiss if he didn’t acknowledge his eyes stinging a bit, as his thoughts ran away from him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Brenna, or trust her position in their relationship. It was everyone else, life, the things that could happen to her or around her when he wasn’t there that worried him the most. For as much as he knew and respected her strength, he was still her boyfriend, and he had a place in protecting her and being close to support her at all times. He was really failing in that way by doing what he was.

Brenna was entirely capable of taking care of herself though, and he knew that. What if his being far away more than close-by made her realize how little she really needed him?

Getting Brenna to trust him, be with him, understand he only wanted to be good for her, had taken a lot of time. Would his leaving so soon in their relationship change her opinion of him?

He had worked so hard to make his feelings known to her, believed by her. When it came down to it, he was the reason someone she had once called upon in times of trouble was now the source of her trouble. That said a lot. Who was he to bail on her just when things were starting to settle and make sense and bring them both calm?

She had been through a big and tough loss, an unfortunate catalyst to their current status, if he was being honest. But he had told himself way back when he’d never hurt her if he could help it, would do anything he could to keep her happy. Leaving this company, this part of his life, it wasn’t making her happy, no matter what front she was putting up.

He hated himself at that moment. She didn’t deserve another big change to adjust to.

“Hey, don’t you have to get ready for your match?” Cody’s voice startled Adam. He hoped the man didn’t notice him taking a shaky breath, and blinking a few times, before looking towards him.

“You see any of this?” Adam questioned as a deflection, indicating with his head the match still going on.

“Not really. Bren doing alright?”

“She’s amazing, man,” he answered, his eyes already back on the small screen. He tried not to grin too stupidly as Brenna and her partner double-teamed their opponent, getting a near-fall.

“She has been for a long time,” Cody stated. “Brandi asked her to help her in the ring a bit, I think.”

“That would be good,” Adam said, only turning back to his groupmate when the ref was raising Brenna’s hand with her partner’s. When he faced Cody, he found the other man looking at him, almost curiously, though his face was fairly flat in appearance overall. “…what?”

“You sure about leaving her?”

“I’m not leaving her. We’re just…changing how things are.”

“Right,” Cody said, sounding entirely like he doubted Adam’s words. “Look, man, I’m not one to tell anyone how to live their life. Do what makes you happy. But it’s a lot harder being with WWE day in and day out, and it takes a bigger toll than you know. On you, on everyone around you. You’ve got a good thing with Bren. I don’t know that much, but I know that. Not being in the same place as her…especially with where you’re probably gonna land, it’s gonna be really tough. Just…keep that in mind, OK?”

Adam wanted to tell Cody he hadn’t signed a contract with WWE yet, so what did it matter in the grand scheme of things? Everything was hypothetical. But, he also recognized Cody had been down that road, been beaten up on that road. And Brandi had very famously followed her husband away from that place, showing the epitome of commitment to one’s significant other. He understood where Cody was coming from. He was just trying to save Adam from some struggle at best, and heartache at worst.

But couldn’t it work the other way too? What if Brenna eventually came to WWE too, if that was where Adam did go? What if this change made them stronger, any distance reaffirming their need for one another? What if Brenna famously followed him into something new and fun for both of them?

Anything was possible.

“Yea, I hear ya,” Adam finally responded, choosing to not further the conversation in any capacity, and simply accept the other man’s words. Cody nodded after a moment, before turning to walk down the hallway.

Adam decided to leave the gorilla area before Brenna made it backstage from the ring. He would rather see her later when he could be entirely focused on her, like she deserved. For now, he needed to go get ready for his own last hurrah. And if he was being truthful with himself, he wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t openly cry the second she was in his arms at this moment.

It was better to wait to see her.

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

The party was in full swing at Adam’s house in no time. Food was being continually made, all of the wrestlers needing a post-show meal. Drinks were flowing, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Adam found himself always having someone to talk to, everyone wanting a chance to wish him well and have a laugh with him about some of his finer moments over the years.

He had found it easier to walk out of the arena earlier tonight than he had anticipated. It was hard, of course, but having done the big things on the PPV two days prior had taken away some of the sting of the situation. Honestly, he couldn’t have asked for a better ending to his current Ring of Honor career. The last match he’d done, a dark street fight against Marty, with the Bucks ringside, had felt right. Felt true to the story. Felt like he was leaving a legacy in a way with the company and The Bullet Club.

Of course, he still had other indy shows to tackle, and it was likely that the PWG show this upcoming weekend would bring another big wave of emotion to handle.

For now, though, he was really enjoying getting to share a beer with Cary, a father-figure in a lot of ways, and laugh over his Panama Playboy gimmick from yesteryear.

When the conversation had run its natural course, Adam did a lap to make sure everyone was getting on well and had what they needed. He went over to where the drinks were in various buckets and coolers on the side of the house, checking the situation. Some of them needed more ice, and he set about doing this.

“Hey.” Adam looked over his shoulder, realizing that the voice he’d thought was Jay’s…was, in fact, Jay’s. The older Briscoe was standing a few feet from him, hands shoved into his hoodie front pocket.

“…hey.” Adam had not at all expected to see either of the brothers at his house that night for the gathering. While he had extended the invitation to everyone in the back, he hadn’t anticipated his least-favorite-coworkers to show. He was immediately on guard.

“Need any help?”

“…I’ve got it,” Adam answered, dumping the ice bag into the cooler over top the beers he’d placed in there a few moments ago. He figured Jay must have been watching him to see when he didn’t have others around him, making it safe to approach.

Jay Briscoe was not dumb, no matter what kind of portrayal he put out of himself publicly.

“Look, I know we ain’t… I’m not your biggest fan, and you ain’t mine,” Jay stated. “But we got Bren in common. And…. We gotta do right by her.”

“That’s all I’ve been doing,” Adam responded tightly, crumpling up the now empty plastic bag and tossing it into the nearby trash bag.

“For now.”

“Fuck you.” There was no hesitation in his response, as he turned to fully face the other man. Jay wasn’t much bigger than Adam, maybe a bit broader in the shoulders, but that was about it. He wasn’t whatsoever intimated by the other man, especially knowing he was the one in the right.

“Fuck you, too,” Jay retorted with no reluctance himself. “You came outta nowhere, thinking you had any right to be involved in our family, and you didn’t. No one, no one, thinks it’s OK how you got with Bren.”

“…and what? You wanted me to what? Ask for your permission to date her? What are you, from the fucking Stone Age? Brenna is a human. She can make her own decisions.”

“She was messed up, going through some really tough shit, and you…you of all fucking people….” Jay just glared at the less-tattooed man, not finishing his thought.

“What? What did I of all fucking people do? Comfort her? Make her feel safe? Take care of her? Love her? I’m not fucking sorry.”

The silence that followed the moment allowed Adam to fully take stock of what he’d said.

Love.

Love.

Did he love Brenna?

They’d only been together really a couple months. Things had been entirely sideways in their relationship only a couple months before then. Despite how much she’d meant to him, and how poorly he’d went about handling those feelings, it was still a relationship in infancy. It was a bit soon for love, wasn’t it?

Was he just trying to get the better of Jay by saying it?

Fuck.

Brenna. She was…everything good he’d ever understood, that was true. She didn’t deserve to be a sticking point in an argument, a petty argument at that.

Jay seemed to just as much realize the declaration the younger man had made. And was just as quiet in response to it.

It was better to ignore the situation.

“Listen. If you just came here to start shit, then don’t bother, and leave. This bullshit isn’t going to make any of us better, and I’m not about to let Bren have to deal with it anymore.” Adam’s assertion was made in a fierce tone, a tone that Jay had honestly only heard once before. The time when he’d confronted Adam in a parking lot.

“No, you listen. That’s not… I’m not here for this back and forth bullshit,” Jay admitted, some of his intensity dissipating. He hadn’t come here for a fight, and he needed to remember that. He needed to make his original goal his mission.

“I just… you’re gonna be gone right?” Adam nodded briefly in agreement. “Then, I want Bren to know… With you not around as much, I wanna make sure she’s taken care of.”

“She’ll be fine. She has friends.”

It was clear what Adam was saying with emphasis on the last word, and both knew that. Friends. Friends that weren’t Jay. Friends that cared for her and didn’t judge her. Friends that wanted the best for her without question. Friends that didn’t start fights with her. Friends that accepted their relationship.

“I’m not sorry for being worried about her being with you. I ain’t ever gonna apologize for that,” Jay declared. “But…Bren…she’s headstrong, always has been. I know that and I gotta accept that. Appreciate that. So…I don’t…my history with her, it isn’t gone, and it’ll never be gone. I don’t have to be happy with her, but I can’t forget her.”

“Well you’ve done a pretty damn good job of forgetting her these last couple months,” Adam pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. “She hasn’t once mentioned you, or you reaching out to make things better.”

“Two-way street, buddy.”

“What did you want from her, huh? To come crawling back to you, tell you she was sorry she was with me and you were right? You just fucking told me you respect her being strong. That strength isn’t just when you like it. Her strength right now is in refusing to let you control her and change her mind on something she believes in. And I’m glad that something is me.”

Adam watched as Jay became tenser, and squared his own shoulders in response. If this verbal disagreement was about to turn into a physical one, he was ready.

“…I hope you’re not this much of a prick to her,” Jay stated.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Adam glared at the other man as he spoke. This conversation was over as far as he was concerned. While Jay had approached him with the best of intentions seemingly, it was clear he was still not over his own issues and bullshit opinions. Adam was tired of this conversation, and he had no desire to have Brenna have to deal with anything Jay Briscoe tonight either. “I said, get out. Go!”

“No,” Jay refused, crossing his own arms over his chest. “I am not leaving here until you understand where I’m coming from.”

“OH? It seems you’re coming from the place of being the fucking douche you’ve been being for a while. Brenna is better than this petty shit you’re throwing at us. She doesn’t need it or want it or deserve it. And I will NOT let you upset her tonight with this bullshit.” Adam paused for a moment, restraining himself from taking a step closer to the other man. “I will remove you from my house if I have to.”

Jay didn’t respond for a beat, instead cocking his head ever so much as he looked at Adam.

Adam waited for his next move, fully ready to fulfill his declarations and drag the man from the premises if had to. He knew he’d have backup in the matter if needed.

“…do me a favor,” Jay posed. “All this hate and anger, all this passion you have for Brenna’s wellbeing, don’t ever lose it.”

That was very much the last thing Adam expected to hear from Jay right then.

And Jay sticking out his hand for a shake, that was the last thing Adam expected to see.

“Be good to her. And I’ll make sure to do the same when you’re gone.”

It still didn’t seem real, and if questioned about it, Adam wouldn’t be able to explain why he slowly extended his own hand to take the other. Part of him just wanted the situation to be over, but another part of him….

He stayed on guard through the action, half-expecting Jay to pull him in and try to punch him still. Instead, Jay shook his hand, and then turned and walked away without further words.

Adam was still for a second, watching the retreating back of the elder Briscoe, before grabbing a beer from the nearby cooler.

He needed it.

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Brenna was thoroughly enjoying her night. She was currently nursing a liquor drink and laughing with Corino and Kaz as they told her some ‘baby Adam’ stories she’d never heard before. She didn’t know where her significant other was at that moment, but she hoped he stayed away so she could continue to get blackmail material.

Eventually, she couldn’t ignore the chill that was starting to run through her body. Apparently, the long sleeve she was in, wasn’t enough, and she needed another layer. She excused herself from her friends, heading into the house and down to the bedroom. Digging around in Adam’s things, she took out one of his zip-ups and pulled it on, relishing in its size and Adam-ness.

When she came back down the hallway and into the kitchen, she came face to face with someone she had not expected to see.

“What are you doing here?”

“Shit, it’s good to see you too,” Jay replied, his eyes scanning over her, taking in her full appearance. Brenna tightened her hand at her side, trying to remember to not crush her cup in her other hand.

“Can’t say the same,” she snidely retorted. Brenna brushed passed him, heading back out the door into the backyard. She heard him follow after her.

“Yikes,” he stated, as he was able to use his much longer stride to pass by her. Brenna stopped walking as he stood in front of her, not really giving her a choice in her actions. “When did you get so callous?”

“Callous? Did someone buy you a thesaurus recently?” His jaw tightened and shifted. Brenna held her gaze with his, trying to keep her back as straight as she could. “Jay, if you’re here to cause shit, then just leave. Go. What’s happened is done and nothing’s changed.”

“I dunno bout that,” he said, causing her eyebrows to draw down ever so slightly. “Come on bug, just hear me out.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“A’ight, fine. Brenna, hear me out.” It took everything in her to not lash out at him. She rolled her shoulders back, before giving a small nod of her head. “I talked to Cole a little while ago.”

Her immediate thought was: bullshit. Except Jay looked entirely serious.

“You know, you’re gonna be out on the road, and he’s not. That ain’t gonna be easy.”

“You don’t say,” was her sarcastic response.

“Will you just fucking stop and listen to me?” She reluctantly bit back another retort. “Man, you’ve got this idea that you’re the only one who isn’t happy with how shit is, and you’re wrong. I get it, OK? We’re on bad terms. Shit, you think Mandy hasn’t been at me constantly over this?”

Hearing that his wife was unhappy with their situation was bittersweet. She had considered the woman a friend as well, and suddenly she realized in cutting out Jay she’d cut his better half out too, which was no fault of Mandy’s. Brenna had felt justified in this until now. Now she felt a bit bad, honestly.

“I get it, alright? I have to let you do what you want to do. But I don’t have to be happy about it.”

“You can be unhappy, but you don’t have to be a dick about it. You have no right to hate me for trying to be happy.”

“I don’t hate you. I hate what you’re doing.”

“OK. Sure. Because that distinction has been made oh so clear?” Brenna rolled her eyes. “Jay, I don’t wanna do this again. I can’t. So just…say what you feel you have to and leave me alone.”

“…do you know what I did after you called me to tell me Evan was gone?”

This was not the turn in the conversation Brenna saw coming. It wasn’t something she ever expected to talk about with Jay ever, honestly. All she could do in response was barely shrug.

“I cried,” he admitted.

Brenna didn’t know what to do with that information.

“You were so…I’d never heard you so hurt before. And I knew I couldn’t do anything to change it. And he was my friend too, ya know? We had a lot of good nights all out together. But knowing you were…you were so broken up…it was a fucking nightmare for me. … Ev always trusted me to watch out for ya, and I couldn’t do anything for you then.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” she decided. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“Yea, it fucking does.” Jay waited to make sure she wasn’t about to scamper off and away from him. “It matters because I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me. I ain’t out here acting like I am just for fun. I’m trying to watch out for you.”

“Well, that’s a nice sentiment, but what you’re actually doing is making things worse for me.”

“Yea, I got that, I guess.” Jay paused, sighing. “Do I fully trust Cole? Hell no. But I don’t not trust him a little bit either. It’s been a couple months, you seem good. But a couple months isn’t that long. He can still be who I know he’s capable of bein’.”

“You don’t have to trust him,” Brenna allowed. “But don’t you trust me?”

“I always did.”

“The only thing stopping you now is you then. Fuck Jay, this is my life, my choices. I think I’m making really good ones honestly. I feel…OK, again. The best I’ve felt in a while. Adam is a huge part of that. And if for some insane reason it goes sour, then, that was my mistake to make.”

“I know… Look, this doesn’t fix it all, I know that. I said some stuff to Adam tonight too, just wanted to try to make the peace I guess. Just…when we’re out on the road, don’t… I’m around if you need something, a’ight?”

That was a Jay Briscoe apology if she ever heard one.

“…yea, alright.”

It was a shaky truce at best, and they both knew that. Time would be necessary to heal these wounds. But it seemed at least they were both willing to work through it out for now.

“Bug, I mean that,” Jay reiterated. “I’m not just…. You’re in for a lot, and I don’t…I want you to know you’re not just… It’ll be OK, OK?”

Brenna took some type of pleasure in watching Jay stumble over his words, struggle to convey what he was trying to mean.

“I knew that…before you said it,” she replied. “Momma ain’t raised no weakling.”

“No, that she certainly didn’t,” he laughed in agreement.

Brenna smiled at his laugh, feeling just the tiniest bit lighter. While Jay had a lot of ground to cover with her as far as getting her to trust and want him around again, it was a nice start to redemption for her.

Looking across the yard, her eyes caught Adam’s, as he stood talking with Matt and Nick. He looked thoroughly concerned but was clearly keeping himself from storming over to the pair. As a means to settle her clearly agitated boyfriend, she winked and smiled a bit. 

Things were looking better, but what she really wanted to know was what Jay had said to Adam earlier. That would really matter in her outlook and future decisions.

What if I was made for you and you were made for me? What if this is it, what if it’s meant to be? What if I ain’t one of them fools just playin’ some game? What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in, And the stars line up and it’s our last first kiss? What if one of these days baby I’d go and change your name? What if I loved all these what ifs away?

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

HOLY SHIT. If you just read this, I am amazed. This chapter has been the bane of my existence for months. I have never labored and fretted over a chapter so much before. THANK YOU to everyone that’s stuck it out with me. Thank you to my incomparable crew @allhailthe-demonking @chasingeverybreakingwave @thegenericluchadora @running-ropes and ESPECIALLY @spine-buster  for the HOURS of brainstorming/plotting/whining/complaining/comforting/supporting/proofreading/pushing-me-to-keep-going. Here is hugely to hoping the next part doesn’t take 7 months to come out (it won’t).