#so im just like frustrated like my brain is just mean to me
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Love having my occasional "My husband would never fucking love me or want anything to do with me ever" thoughts
#its late and im tired and ill be fine in the morning#but im just like pissed cause im already fucking struggling cause i have 2-3 seizures everyday right now like#i dont wanna deal with another thing that makes me depressed#like this is one of the few rhings that brings me comfort rn is suzas love#so im just like frustrated like my brain is just mean to me#i just need some sleep haha
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It's waldy
Futur water too but not done
#welcome home#partycoffin#wally darling#welcome home arg#welcome home fanart#welcome home wally#ive had these for a teeny wally#while* uhhh wally stop invading my brain i did NOT mean to type wally but uh yeah#had future wally like that for ages already and uhhh my motivation is realyyy poopy and sucks aw man#ill make a second look for future wally too becuz idk blehhhh#i dunno wut else 2 say OH YEAH got a therapy appointment on aug 5 ANDDD my b day is on augist 28 yayyayay ANDDD one of my aunts suport me#ANDDD uh idk my sleep schedule sucks#im awake at 7AM i didnt sleep at alllllll aw darn#im soooo excited cuz clown said welcome home and i went yippieeee#i get ideas but then my brain makes me forget over and over so its a littleeee frustrating but dw ill just doodle like uh#cats with human faces or sumthin idk#wut do i dooooooo aaaaaaAaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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#not to complain ab the same stuff i always complain ab#but my artblock is soooo bad . its so bad and frustrating and limiting and demotivating#because instead of being able to draw whatever whenever i feel like im chained to random bursts of inspiration#that i cant manifest just by willing it so yk. and imlike why…#so many ppl who draw whether for their job or for their hobby seem to be able to do it whenever#and its like yeah i could put pen to paper rn but theres such a mental disconnect that its not enjoyable anymore#dude its so whateverr😭😭 like its so made up and ik its just a psychological thing but it feels so physically .Hard#rrrgwgqq#like i try to maintain the habit by drawing stuff out even w no end in mind#but that also stresses me out bc its likeIDKK idk#silly tbh#seeing all of this art arnd me all the time > online and stuff is so nice and inpsiring#and it makes me want to do that too but i legitcannot . like i am being squished by a boulder and my hands are chained to 30lb weights#whatfreakign ever dude .like whateverrr#i want to grind my brain 2 a pulp . honestly🙌#like what do u mean u cant u literally just do it.but im the one exception to that
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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" I love art" I say
Meanwhile when I do art there's a like 10% chance of me wanting to throw it smack against a wall out of frustration from any of the listed
It's taking too long
It doesn't match what I had envisioned
My skillset isn't where I want it to be
It hasn't clicked the joy switch in my head yet
Hunger
Tiredness
Existential dread
Accidentally getting color where it was not meant to be and being unable to make it look coherent again
Not being able to make a character look finalized enough no matter how much I touch it up
PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR- PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
WHEN I GET MY FUCKING HANDS ON YOU PERSPECT-
#art#digital art#vtuber#artwork#envtuber#character art#artists on tumblr#my art#art process#illustration#art frustration#art study#drawing study#drawing stuff#drawing style#painting#completely unrelated if somebody wants to teach me that would be great#youtube isnt helping#what do you mean an arm is a cylinder???#There's muscles there#im not made of tubes like some sick twisted sippy straw creature#Nobody describes things in a way that my neandertal brain can comprehend#you might as well bash rocks together because i will understand just as much#god bless you for posting tutorials and trying you angel sent from above#but sweetheart i have no idea what these knowledge balloons you're pelting me with even mean it just hurts#it's like rock hard cured cement#How are you all getting information from these?#i've seen so many and yet nothing#You're telling me that the 8 year old Picasso over here drawing hyper realistic horses learned from these tutorials?#I think you're lying and that's Rembrandt reincarnate
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion
#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it#shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable#to process why i can't answer a simple question#and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that#wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me#a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her#which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk#in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal#im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk#i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i#i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him'#bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of#being in control of his life#so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal#like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good#it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support#also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him#we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices#besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words#to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words#i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for
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How do I explain the ways in which the bill origins fic 'A Romance of Many Dimensions' by haley3 rewired my brain without needing to give paragraphs upon paragraphs of context. The fic is something like 200,000 words long. Almost every single good moment calls back to things that are set up earlier in the fic
#godsrambles#girl help 'the colors in our universe are the same as the ones in his home dimension because our universe is made out of a piece of bill'#makes NO sense without adding way more context#not to speak of 'bill is obsessed with ford because he can Feel the same cosmic thread connecting them as the one that drew him towards-#-meeting his henchmaniacs which makes him convinced against all odds that ford is gonna join him'#and the long beginning is set in flatland. its what finally got me to read the book flatland#and now I will literally think to myself 'its not that i Have to do x or y tasks. i GET to do x or y tasks isnt that great'#'i get to live in a physical form that experiences so many vivid thoughts and sensations while on bills favorite planet in the multiverse'#and i will be like 'why should i drag my feet about learning this or doing that. bill was literally trapped in a 2d world-'#'and KILLED to be able to experience a life as 3d and colorful as the one im in'#'and just like bill was so desperate to learn and see and do Everything that the axolotl gave him a ton of power so he could do that.'#'i Also want to learn and do and see everything i possibly can. and i literally HAVE the chance to do that'#'so i'd better start actually Trying to do and see and learn everything i can'#and then i brush my teeth slightly more often or whatever#fucking unhinged and ridiculous way of getting myself to do tasks#the events of this fic arent even my headcanon for bills powers and backstory. i just think its neat!#and now my brain has been permanently rewired by a got dam fan fic.#anyways sorry for all the spoilers but i mean. i doubt many folks would decide to read a fic that long without being intrigued by spoilers#most frustrating thing is that the hard hitting spoilers SEEM understandable without context.#but i promise there is a lot of context missing that makes it make sense why they are good plot points and not just weird random happenings#edit: its 200000 words not 600000. how did I misread that
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fuck wait i forgot the last nb event was like a dream thing was it belphie centric fuck
#if i think about it too long i'll get overwhelmed and have a meltdown so i shant#hopefully#but uhh idk for sure cause i Didn;t Log In#i havent properly played in forever cause#im so far behind in terms of the story#like i think im still on asmo's part??#maybe?#the power creep is just so fucking awful in nightbringer#or whatever the term would be#you need stupid high level cards in every type to even pass the ruri tunes levels#and it's so frustrating cause ruri tunes isn't hard in the slightest especially on normal it's actually frustratingly easy#because of how slow it is#but i have to use so many support items just to literally get a c at the last note#so i can finally read things#and idk it just makes me feel bad that i'm not caught up (it makes him feel like a failure)#so i get into the loop of feeling bad cause im far behind and then i dont play but then i cant make progress and the story continues which#means im even FURTHER behind#ohh i think i got it i think i scrounged in my brain i think i feel left out (has issues with that)
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,,
#p#i hate feeling like more emotional than usual like the tiniest thing can happen n im like freaking out or miserable#idk if anything did happen sometimes i just suddenly feel anxious n like im gonna fall apart n cry n the worlds endign#<- not always all those at once but sometimes#its like vulnerable doesnt feel like a good word for it cuz idk sounds dumb but like wobbly#maybe..like im doing mostly ok n then ill see 1 post or someone will say smth w a certain tone n im a mess#its hard to tell n i try to for my psych appts but like crazy mood swings wise ive felt worse i think lately#idk what amount of time lately means but ya#it can be better or worse but still its up n down n way outta proportion to like what happened in the real world of not my brain#its extra the feeling like i cant handle anything n like im always on the edge of my day being ruiend#n super hating myself spiral or feeling like a dumb scared kid cuz of nothing#not posting cuz of anything this time its just outta the blue. yayyy#i was thinkin well its 8pm i worked ive been up for ages at least ican sleep soon n the day will be over#maybe a reset to be normaler#but then tomorrow is Another day n theyre just relentless huh -__-#n tomorrow ill have less excuses like ill hurt less from working this weekend ill be less tired n wont have any demanding obligations#which makes it feel worse or more frustrating when i feel shitty n crazy anyway#like there's nooo reason. like especially!!! on those days#sucks that its a Me™️ problem not just like external real shit#im stuck w this fuckin guy forever its so lame#i shld come up w a slightly more coherent version of this post to jot down for therapy next week or whenev#dlt ltr posting like this feels so embarrassing christ#<- disclaimer any mean comments only ever apply to me btw
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Thinking about that poll Im a real album addict like I think I listen to full albums like between 75-90% of the time and the remaining percent is split between mostly listening to songs by A Specific Artist whose albums I have already listened to on shuffle. And then a very much smaller percentage of that is listening to like playlists I only do that some of the time but. It is genuinely a problem because I think it impedes my music discovery cos I rarely will just put on mixed playlists to discover new stuff instead I'm like I will have to sit and listen to this full album and idk. But it's annoying to me I'm like this cos it's led to this thing where I feel like I have to get Really into an artist like I can never just save a few songs and move on which is just dumb cos it makes me less well rounded like but I Don't know cos also I will develop these deep appreciations for certain artists but I think I just need to have more of a balance
#but its just how my brain works but its like frustrating cos i feel like im not as varied as. i could be#but hiw my brain works is that. i listen to albums -> i get fixated on an artist and listen to ALL their albums and get really into#certain songs -> it fades enough where i can go back to listening to albums -> i get fixated -> etc and the cycle continues#and in that album discovery phase ill sometimes be like ok let me put on for example a playlist of this genre ive been meaning to get more#into but then if i really like certain songs ill be like Well let me check out the album#but also theres genres that are less album driven so it doesnt make sense to do that with so ill just save the songs but To Be Honest i#rarely will end up going back like cos ill be too busy listening tonwhatever im fixated on to put on like my liked songs on shuffle#the only time i sometimes do that is when im driving#but if theres an artists im really into ill be shuffling their songs while driving#essentiallly . its the autism
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god this fucking sucks.
#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological#distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me#and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset#bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant#I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where#the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit#and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it#fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie#the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe#this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep#it speaks
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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#tis i! tragic daughter one of three!#motherless at age 26#the last wake was today and this was more fun than the 1st. more casual. my moms childhood friends were there#ans it was fun to catch up with my uncle and his side of the family#i feel so weird tho. bc ppl r asking how we r and like genuinely i feel fine most of the time#like my sister is like: i sacrificed so much for my mom and i saw her downslide into death#and im like yea i fucked off to [redacted state] and showed uo after the horrible part was over#and bc im finally on medication i really feel better than i have possibly ever. so its just weird#weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore#and i feel like thats an option now. i mean ill always be frustrated by the same things. the difficulty reading and focusing#and the lack of social ease. but it feels like less of a big deal now#i say that now before im entrenched in school again. but idk. its just weird#but idk i love my mom but there was distance there and i have weird insect brain which i think makes it hurt less#i dunno. maybr ill feel it more later. when im on my own again#its just that i never reached out to her. i didnt realy on her and she didnt reach out to me so now things won't change much#i dunno. well see#unrelated
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wanna bg3 so so so badly but there are so many things i need to work on before i can play without guilt, not to mention head hurty enough that i cant even do THOSE things
#i want to take like three days off to play SO BADLY but i just technically took like seven days off and i canttttttttt#v petty complaint ahead but it sure is frustrating to have waited for three years for it to have come out at literally the worst time#for me personally#dont need a vacation from my vacation but i DO need a vacation from my brain#or perhaps a lobotomy#clearly still the vin complains abt stupid nonsense blog so essentially nothing has changed im sorry#have called the pharmacy and taken the meds so hopefully like three hours dark room will mean i can finish this commission later#hell or high fuckin water
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