#so id rather try and find some good alternatives

[jump4beef]

ok because I assume there's a big enough overlap between DSMP fans and ParkCiv fans im asking you guys. does anyone know bands similar to Lovejoy with similar vibes and styles? or maybe a band thats done decent covers of Lovejoy songs?

been trying to get them off some oc/character playlists forever now but i cant find any good replacements for a lot of their music

[osamucide]

FLAVOR PROFILE—gn+afab!reader, alternate universe - PM boss!Osamu Dazai, interrogation+torture, psychological manipulation, noncon to dubcon—not safe, sane, or fully consensual, perv+sadist!Dazai, knife play, blood play, tiny bit of choking, degradation, cutting, scratching, biting, marking, mindbreak, debatable whether Dazai kills reader at the end? all around depraved, DEAD DOVE/DARK CONTENT—PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION

ABV—3.8k

BAR OSAMUCIDE IS STRICTLY AN 18+ ESTABLISHMENT. FAILURE TO PROVIDE VALID ID/AGE IN BIO UPON INTERACTING WILL RESULT IN REMOVAL FROM THE PREMISES. MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED.

“So, here we are.”

It’s only a matter of time ‘til you start talking, was the last thing the redheaded mafioso told you as his grip on your hair loosened and you slumped forward into the chair once more. We’re gonna kill ya anyway. Just not before the boss gets his hands on you. Don’t you wanna make it easier on yourself?

You really do. You do want to make it easier on yourself. But you pledged your loyalty to your misfit faction of gifteds threatening the Port Mafia’s turf as of late—in a rather alarming way, it’s worthy to note—and as one of their highest profile members, as a leader and exemplar of the values of honesty and fairness that you promised to uphold and instill in your society as part of that pledge, you can not, in good conscience, betray what you know. What you call home.

There’s a cause at stake that is larger than your life. What kind of leader would you be if you crumbled? If you failed a cause that’s meant and hoped to outlive you anyway?

It’s your own fault you got caught to begin with.

It’s your own fault for thinking you could go out on recon in the dead of night by yourself. You’ve long known better that the Port Mafia doesn’t sleep; what you hadn’t known or expected was to run into the ruthless commander of the Black Lizard in a warehouse during the hours too late to be considered night, too early to be considered morning. The boss takes the liberty of reminding you.

“I think we’re all lucky Akutagawa’s built up some restraint over those impulses of his, hm?” he continues, his sharp dress shoes clicking cleanly against the concrete floor of wherever it is you’re being held. It just meant they already had their sights trained on you specifically before you started sneaking around—longer than you’d anticipated, and longer than you’d been prepared for. Had you brought along a few of your subordinates, you might’ve stood a chance—well, maybe against a group of low-ranked patrolmen. But that wasn't the case, and now, here you are. Caught.

You're hunched over, wrists at your back, ankles bound, the way Nakahara left you; assured fingertips—softer this time, but only marginally so—find the spot on the crown of your head that he favored earlier and you find yourself held up by your hair once more, wincing through a crusted-over bloody nose into the eyes of the boss—Osamu Dazai.

What strikes you first, aside from the sting curling across your scalp, is the utter emptiness in his stare—the first brown irises you think you've ever seen entirely devoid of warmth. He regards you with an expression you can only place through your blear as distaste—maybe a little boredom, then maybe a contradictory twinge of amusement when you sniffle. You're wholly unsure. All you know is it feels like whiplash when he lets you go and your chin snaps back down to your chest.

"Pretty thing," you almost don't hear him say; you're focused on registering the cuffs falling away from your wrists, the way your upper body is sent forward, and the fact that you can use the momentum to propel yourself up—or try, rather, but you're absolutely concussed and you forget your ankles, having lost feeling now from the restraints, are still attached to the seat. Your palms hit the concrete, the back of the chair knocks into your lower back and you yelp; suddenly you're a pathetic, twisted mess facedown on the ground.

He's chuckling. You can't imagine it reaching those eyes.

And if he's going to strip you of your dignity by laughing, well, at least you were upright before. Now, as your elbows give beneath your own weight, there's tears springing to your eyes; you're sure if they were to fall they'd streak through a layer of grime. And it's not from the pain—no, if you were going to cry from the pain, you would've a lot long ago. You can't remember how long you've been in here, and there's no window, no clock to give you any grace, but it has to have been at least a couple of days. Your body threatens to cry from the sheer humiliation of being crumpled beneath this chair, unable to scramble up—as your cheek hits the floor, a tear crawls across the bridge of your nose and you swear you can hear it echo as it splatters—while this man laughs at you.

By the grace of some god, you feel your tingling feet and ankles coming back to life as he undoes the bindings around them. And you scramble, not unlike a bug, when he lifts the chair off of you and tosses it aside, but still, your body fails you, and he's walking around you to crouch down near your face.

You see him before you feel him; the Port Mafia boss is willing you up by your arms, setting you on your ass, almost sympathetically, as you combat your sniveling. Still crouched, he speaks again only when you look to him, your eyes brimming with disgust.

He speaks softly, like he almost feels sorry for you as he does. "You're free to go, if you can get up."

But you're not stupid enough to try again. The tingling has morphed to the stage which it starts to almost hurt; you don't trust your feet, and only when you try to draw your knees up to your chin do you realize how badly all of your muscles tremble—too badly to make it up the daunting set of stairs that lead to the exit of your chamber. You wish he wouldn't watch you. You'd surely try if he left you alone. You'd look for something, anything, around you that you could use against him—there's nothing in the room other than your chair, a solid oak dresser with drawers against the wall, and your limp, abandoned bindings. You'd shoot him if your gun hadn't been confiscated first thing, and if he wasn't undoubtedly armed himself. Anyway, he gazes at you, intently, still swirling back and forth across the line that separates boredom from amusement. You won't get away with anything beneath his stare.

So you don't try. Your ass hurts, too—that damn chair wasn't forgiving at all, and your palms sting when you touch your own skin. You ache all over, in every joint, like you've got some mutant strain of the flu, and your head pounds with icepick intensity. It's a struggle just to look at him, despite the dimness, despite your desperation. So you don't. You curl in on yourself, and you don't cry. And he stares.

He hums, standing back up. His eyes on you—they feel like ice.

"Chuuya couldn't get anything out of you," he sighs, recounting it like he's briefing you on the morning news. "But you look pretty close to breaking. I'll have to thank him for getting you started."

"Kill me." You mean to spit it at him, but your voice shakes out, hoarse. "You won't get anything from me. Just kill me."

"Oh, but that wouldn't be as much fun yet." He's smiling; you could almost mistake it for a kind expression if it wasn't for those eyes. He's reaching for you again, deceivingly soft—you know it's deceit, how he gathers you up onto your feet with near-gentleness and leads you over to the dresser. He doesn't look strong, but he must be; you're mostly dead weight when he picks you up to sit you on the wooden surface, let you lean back against the wall.

You know what comes next for someone like you when you're faced with someone like him. You don't know what he's rifling around in one of the dresser drawers for, but it hardly matters; he's shuffled himself between your knees, and your closed eyes will not be enough to shut him out; you're already so exhausted. You're already dead, and you try to take comfort in that fact while he picks up your wrist, trails his fingers over it like you're as fragile as you look.

It's when you feel something cold against your forearm that your eyes snap open again, searching.

He looks sharper than the knife. It's a switchblade, glinting as it lays flat against the vains in your wrist; Osamu Dazai's lips twitch into a smile for the first time you've ever seen as you glance between him and it.

"Please don't," you whisper, but it's too late.

One horizontal slash against your arm. At this point it almost feels familiar, like a routine injection. A shot of whisky. You wince, but don't whine.

It's deep enough to pour. Your blood is warm as it circles your wrist like a bracelet, warm as it soaks through the knee of your pants when he drops it like you're a ragdoll to pick up your other one.

"You can cooperate and they won't have to match," he mumbles casually, tracing the tip of the knife across your palm like a pencil across paper as he studies your face.

You close your eyes again, tilting your head back. This isn't the worst of what you've experienced down here. It'll take more than a few slashes on the wrist to make you talk.

Before you can assert that, another one. Opposite arm. They match.

He clicks his tongue like he's disappointed in you. Like he doesn't like having to do this. But when you open your eyes again, that little smile is still there, cracked into his pale face.

You don't have to say it'll take more than that. He knows.

That's why the tip of the blade presses into the space between your collarbones, above the neckline of your shirt.

You suppose you've been lucky to keep it on this long.

So when he drags the knife down, slicing cleanly through the fabric and catching the skin of your chest, abdomen along it a couple times, you don't budge. You don't let yourself look scared. You don't twitch at the hand gripping your thigh hard while he nudges the tattered piece of cloth down your shoulders to expose your heaving chest. That's the most glaring giveaway—your breathing. And now that your shirt is gone, he can see it clear as day.

"Shame Chuuya had to go for your nose." That almost sympathetic tone is back. His thumb comes to swipe at the blood dried above your lips. You jerk your head away, but fall back into his hand when the icepick stabs again. Fuck, it hurts. Your head hurts worse than anything, probably thanks to said nose shots. Your heartbeat is in your temples. "But it's okay. You're still pretty."

You'd be flattered under other circumstances. It's true you could say the same about him, but it's all clouded, hidden beneath the malice he inflicts upon you with such ease.

That smile widens.

"I might have to mark it up, though," he remarks. That false regret—it makes you boil. "Which is too bad."

You've bargained down here, but you figure through your haze, through your bleeding arms, to try again. "You don't have to do this. We can reach an agreement."

"An agreement, you say," he zeroes in on you, hands on either side of your hips as he leans forward to meet you at eye level. "An agreement. What would that look like for you?"

"You can kill me," you concede, breathless. "Let me tell my men to stand down and then you can kill me. It can be over. We won't have to deal with each other again. Ever."

Osamu Dazai looks at you thoughtfully, like he's considering, like he hadn't thought of that as an option before.

You are, unfortunately, stupid enough to let a flicker of hope arise inside you. Even if you die—when you die, you can spare yourself from more suffering and your faction will back off. You will let yourself be the example of what will happen, and no one part of your cause will be subjected to this treatment; you're okay with that, you're okay with being a martyr, if it only means it can all be over—if it only means it won't happen ever again.

Dazai looks to you again. Cold. "You can tell your men to stand down," he begins, fanning that flicker.

You take a deep breath.

"...After I'm done with you."

You're not fully sure what that means until his fingers are popping the button on your pants.

He's got no intention of letting you die in anything less than agony, you realize, no matter what you say.

Tears well up again. You shake your head, kick at him with your weakened legs, but he dodges you easily, picks up the knife again as your trousers settle beneath your knees and you mutter no, no, no over, over. He pushes them off, with your underwear, to the ground and kicks them away, grabbing your flailing hands and holding them to the wood as he threatens you with the restraints once more.

"You're gonna fuckin' talk either way," he growls through his teeth, the first hint of frustration finally seeping into his demeanor, into his eyes. It's gone in a second; gone, replaced with that stale amusement, more chilling than the frustration perhaps, and you almost wish for him to be angrier, more explosive like the executive named Chuuya had been. This quiet rage that seems to be his trademark is far scarier. You can't bite back at it. Especially with your bare ass against the dresser, you can't find your own volatility. It's stuck in your chest. He disarms it, like magic, with each conspiratorial smile, each gentle caress. You can't get around it.

You get your wish when one of his hands grips the column of your throat, throttles your hammering skull back against the wall. You finally whine at the pain. Your hands flail still, clawing at him more out of instinct than anything, but the switchblade is enough to chase you away as he leans into you, pins you in place with his hips—pathetic, as you collect cuts and gashes across your knuckles, fingers, palms while he undoes his belt.

You can feel his throbbing tip against your pelvis as he scoots you closer to him by the small of your back; the blade flips in his grasp and finds a path to hover, pointed over your eye and you catch his wrist as he tells you—

"Keep squirming and this goes through your eyeball right to your brain."

What else can you do but let all your tense limbs fall to rest? You feel him poking you uncomfortably, hotly as you crane your neck away from the knife; you're caught. You're really caught, more than you have been the entire time you've been down here. Squirm one way, suffer another. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place and the hope you had, so brutally snuffed out by his cutting words, all dead now, like you will be soon, almost lets you look at him like a man you could want. You would, certainly, under normal circumstances. But you're bleeding, you're concussed, your body is giving up and he's the most powerful man in Yokohama and the way his bangs curtain over his eyes after he pushes them back has you, in your delirium, hesitantly linking your ankles around his waist and it's numbly and distantly infuriating, the relief that washes over your body when you drape onto him, but it's relieving no less, and he's almost beautiful to you if you just don't think too hard about any of it.

Don't think too hard about any of it.

Steal it back from him—look like you could like it through the dwindling coherence you have, and maybe you can steal it back from him.

You find yourself smiling, too. Annoying, he thinks—he knows what you're doing. He holds the blade over your eye which falls shut and opens again in an unconcerned blink that could almost be considered sultry—you must be demented. He knows what you must be thinking. Knows what you must've snapped to.

So he flips the knife again—holds the blade, carefully, handle out, and dips it down to your cunt.

He wants to stab you when you roll your hips against it.

It would embarass you, how quickly you get yourself wet from grinding your clit on the handle of his blade, if you weren't so close to total depletion. Maybe, you think, if you grind hard enough you can get him to cut himself with it; you've never gone down without a fight, and just because you're at your wits end doesn't mean that'll change.

In fact, you channel it into everything you can give. You grind on the handle, and he watches you, cold eyes wholly unamused but now totally focused on you. You'll be a project. You'll make it difficult.

Good thing he likes a challenge.

Dazai's smug again when he pulls the knife back up and shoves the handle between your teeth; "Suck," he instructs you, and you do, widening your drooping eyes, swirling your tongue, urging him forward with your legs around his waist.

It's what you seem to want, you think he mumbles before he's pressing himself into you remorselessy; it hurts, the stretch—he harshly bypasses the ring of taut muscle at your entrance, plunging into you deep, and you whimper around the handle of the knife and he pushes that deeper, too, into your throat, and you gag as he splits you open and the tears finally fall. Not because it hurts or because you're overwhelmed but because you know, through all of it, you're going to break him the same way he and his men have broken you—even if not to the same degree, it'll be enough. A little victory to die with.

And he starts fucking you, fast.

With what little strength you have left, you tear the buttons of his shirt open. A bandaged torso, a chest heaving just as much as yours now—you look at him, ravenously, and he twirls the knife one more time to tell you to watch it, watch your hands, and as he fucks you he's grunting in irritation at your response, and the blade is at your throat, pressing uncomfortably close just like his tip had against your tummy and your moans are open-mouthed, loud, shameless as your nails rake up his chest, throat, and land in his hair. Your blood smears across his neck, across his shoulders.

"You're—ngh—you're fucking crazy," he hisses at you as you clench, arch, press your forehead to his almost like you're lovers. You have to be fucking crazy. The worst part for him—he isn't stopping you. Not that he can't, he just isn't; you're not supposed to enjoy this, but you're lapping your own blood up from his milky skin as the threat of a slit throat is suspended between the both of you and you're kissing him, kissing him and biting his lip, clashing your teeth; he tastes both of your blood and he's pressed the knife harder into your neck in his shock because you should be screaming, begging for him to stop but you're not—you're meeting his heavy thrusts with enthusiasm, deranged in your hysteria.

He's dredged up enough of your wetness now that you're squelching around him. You dig your teeth in deep when you feel the sting from the blade on the delicate skin of your neck; he's losing himself as much as you are yourself, and you're smiling still, smiling as finally as he wraps a cruel hand beneath your thigh and pushes it up to hit you deeper and the pleasure registers through the revenge and the hot, sticky blood. He might cut you to death before you cum but not before he does because you pull back and he's ruined—the most dangerous man in Yokohama, the boss of the Port Mafia, Osamu Dazai is crumbling to ruin inside your dripping cunt; you could laugh—you will laugh, when this is over, and you hope it'll haunt him until the day he's in his grave—but for now, you can only dig your fingernails into his scalp (a little more of his own medicine) and moan, gasp, sob over the way he drags himself in and out of you deliciously. It feels like heaven compared to everything you've been through at the hands of his subordinates in the last thirty-something hours.

Since you're not begging him to stop, you should be begging him to let you cum—but you're not doing that either, and the resolve of the boss of the Port Mafia is shattering, slowly—too quickly—as he pounds into you harder, harder, harder. Bandages coming unwrapped, sweat dripping from the perfect, pointed end of his nose; you lick that up too, gently as you can through the way he jostles your body with each of his movements.

"This the only way you get pussy, huh? Capturing and forcing it? Ungh—Pathetic fucking man," you groan out, smirk playing on your face as you fight the way your eyes roll back. Impossibly harder, faster.

"Sh-shut the fuck up, slut," he spits back at you. Those cold eyes burn.

"You're fucking a dead bitch," you taunt. You think he'll break you. You think you want him to. You think he already has. You have to do it back. "Slut."

The knife presses harder into your throat. You can feel the blood flowing freely.

"Talk or I'll fucking kill you before you cum." But his voice, so smooth and suave and bored and casual earlier, is so broken now, so clipped. "Tell me where those six fucking friends of yours are. I'll find them anyway."

Six friends—your executives and subexecutives. It pulls you out of the moment that he knows how many of you there are. But you put on a good show; you're a good leader who will die with their secrets. His threats are empty to you. You clamp down on him, you clasp your teeth into his jaw, his shoulder as his thrusts slow, still bruising but slow as you feel him coming unraveled—it's enough to send you over, too, blacking out and hearing only your own voice as you sob, squirt a pitiable orgasm onto his stomach but it's one nonetheless and his seed is filling you, warm. You come back to and find his eyes one last time as they fly open, glazed over. He's gorgeous. He really is. You don't mind that he's the last thing you'll see. How unfortunate he couldn't be the death of you in some other way. Maybe in some other life.

A final long slash to send you unconscious. A smattering of sizzling red across his face.

He watches your body collapse at the foot of the dresser. You could've been the death of him too, in some other life—he saw it in your eyes.

How unfortunate it all is.

Osamu Dazai, the boss of the Port Mafia, stands and stares at you, your weakening pulse, for a long time before he gets to cleaning up your blood.

[musclemanveryregular]

[ID: on the left is Skips the Yeti man, on the right is rigby the talking raccoon. /end ID]

Original poll with info for skips

Original poll with info for rigby

Master post link

A few things I forgot to mention plus scenarios below:

Skips:

-very wise, very powerful

-very level headed, takes a great deal to provoke him as a friend

--notable exception to this is cheating at arm wrestling. He straight up killed Rigby once over this

--had to beat Death in an arm wrestling contest to get him back

-often shipped with benson, which is really cute and I get it, but I also think he and Gary would make great exes back to lovers type deal

Here's what I think would have happened last week if you want to read that:

You and Skips got high together last week; it took a bit of convincing him to at least stop working for a little bit and take a break from working all the time. It took no convincing him to try a bit of weed because he read in Wizards Monthly, a magazine he recently subscribed to since the likelihood of being attacked by something magical in the park is actually pretty likely, that it could help him get in better touch with nature.

And it really did.

Because you both went exploring an ancient lost civilization while stoned out of your minds.

Rigby:

-used to shirk work, doesn't eo much anymore. To the point he once covered for mordecai for like a long ass time.

-very very good at Bank Shot, a trickshot basketball arcade game that scores your point based on throw performance.

--threw the ball so well it left to find a romantic partner, succeeded, and came back a changed basketball.

-very prone to munchies

-very disorganized, sleeps on a pile of clothes on top a trampoline for 90% of the show until the last season where suddenly the forgot how important that trampoline is to him. Seriously why? I guess you could call it part of his character growth in some way but like this is such like an autism special spot thing that it feels weird. Yes I hc him as autistic.

-anyways, also in an alternate timeline he helped fight in the resistance against an evil mordecai who was working with their old gym teacher to destroy the fabric of time itself. And eventually dies in front of current rigby. Rigby is so used to weird shit happening this has no serious long term affect on him.

Here's what I think would have happened last week if you want to read that:

Mordecai went out of town for the weekend with his new girlfriend, the mysterious bat lady, Stef, he just started seeing last week. Eileen is on a brief trip across country for her new job. Rigby is bored as shit at The House, and literally calls you up and invites you over for a smoke sesh.

You arrive, bringing your own snacks, and a bit of hash knowing the last time you hung out he had neither at the time and thats why he invited you but it was a fun enough time that going back wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Following Rigby up the stairs, he gets to his room first (go figure, he was running on all fours) and are suddenly greeted by an intense cloud of thc. Assuming you aren't allergic to weed, and you don't die immediately, you go inside the cloud into what you think is Rigby's room where you find unopened tiny bags of chips all over the room and so much hash.

One of the perks of having a super successful wife, probably.

Apparently Rigbys been smoking a lot more weed lately. You both smoke and play video games together the rest of the night.

[bull-shit-suji]

kuro modern au stuff that i word vomited into my notes app

kind of a Vincent summoned sebastian to save ciel so ciel doesnt actually owe sebas anything

amnesia? idk

single dad moment! except theres this other dad whos kinda find.. (cough agni)

i think vincent was like do NOT let ciel know ur a demon so sebastian keeps it a secret but he doesnt have a good handle on like. Humans. so he kinda does a bad job and ciel definitely knows that he's weird but doesnt say anything. will go out of his way to gaslight you when sebastian does weird shit because he thinks its funny

"hey uhh is your dad levitating?"

"no?"

"he's flying above the school rn"

"that's a bird"

u think suddenly being a butler is hard? have fun being a dad bitch

alois is there but thats complicated. claude and hannah are DIVORCED but on decent terms (i think claude is like. toxic alpha male podcast type guy) and claude sees alois on alternating weekends!

are they demons? i dont know

i think ciel and alois can be friends. platonically. alois would probably say yes if ciel wanted to be romantic but i Promise you he does not. they are just pals :)

im saying ciel has a crush on elizabeth because i can (she's not his cousin here). emo boy x sunny church girl. said sunny church girl has to ask the mcdonalds employees for the blue raspberry slushie they forgot to put in ciel's order because emo boy is too scared.

IM 13 EVERYTHING SUCKSSSSS

grelle is actually living her best life transitioned with anne so they are ciel's aunts on his late mom's side. i think grelle likes ciel. mom figure moreso than anne is.

ciel owns four bongs and definitely a vape or two. come on now

he's also probably got celiac and is lactose intolerant he is just a feeble boy i think

he listens to twenty one pilots. sorry! sorry.

ciel is goth alois is punk those r kinda just the rules

ciel is insanely smart top of the class this shit is easy for him.

yells at sebastian daily. figured out what happened with his real parents around the age of uhhhh 12 or 13? has been an absolute terror ever since

"it was really nice of your dad to bring cookies for the field trip!"

"i hope he fucking chokes on one"

"oh!"

sebastian and claude are pta rivals.

"is this lemon bread store bought? my, how... efficient!"

"you made these from scratch? i can tell."

"i've never seen an interesting looking salsa! very exciting."

ciel purposefully invites alois over constantly bcus it pisses sebas off. alois is Terrified of that man.

"go grab the chips from the kitchen"

"but... what if mr michaelis is in there?"

"mr m- you mean my dad? tell him he can shove a faucet up his ass"

"id rather die on the spot"

sebastian will yell at ciel and is maybe a little emotionally unavailable but he's trying!!! it's hard :(

does that Dad thing where he comes into ciels room and is like hey bud......... what r u up to..

ciel and seiglinde r also palls. the smartest people in school

lizzie is a JOCK. she plays softball.

alois is a theater kid come on now

ciel is best at writing and literature analysis, specifically fiction. enjoys history, language, and Some sciences as well.

nerd

au where myspace is still a thing ciel has a myspace account

he definitely writes shitty poetry

wants to major in business

alois is a glee and pitch perfect truther

[zombieefish]

okay so there is one specific piece of advice he gives which i have a problem with. heres the quote:

“Fall in love and stay in love. Explode. Don’t intellectualize. Get passionate about ideas. Cram your head full of images. Stay in the library. Stay off the internet and all that crap. Read all the great books. Read all the great poetry. See all the great films. Fill your life with metaphors. And then explode.”

which, that advice is MARVELOUS. that is grade A advice right there. however, i have a problem with the “stay off the internet” thing…the internet is my HOME. i physically cannot stay off of the internet no matter how much i try. id set a goal, and then go right back. the internet is where all my friends are, i cant leave!

but the internet is also home for a lot of my ideas, or the source for a majority of them. now, i understand he probably meant social media. however, there are so many good medias to explore!!! without the internet, there wouldnt be the object show community! there wouldnt be any object shows at all! if youre not brainrotting yourself and slowly wearing away and eliminating your brai. cells, the internet can be a good place to get and share ideas, as well as inspiration…

also, he said to fall in love and stay in love? im aroace…/j staying and being in love is a hard thing to do, not something we can really have control over. /j again (i get what he means and hes right)

i dont have a library. i cannot go to a library. unless you want me to go for a one hour drive, the school library is only open on mondays, and they dont send us any longer anyhow. so im going to have to rely on yhe internet for ebooks, or buying books, or going to barnes and noble. which im not particularly against…i love barnes and noble ❤️❤️❤️

i cant really understand what he means by “dont intellectualize”. dont get smart with it??? what??? in my humble opinion, i think any piece of media is GREAT when it has references or easter eggs or far-fetched implications or any of that stuff!!! it shows that you really care about what you do, and its even an opportunity to learn sometimes…

but in the end, thats just me. i mean this guys was born in the 1920s and died in 2012, i dont really know what i could have expected. also this isnt an attack on ray bradbury, i love him, and hes a great author. and i also love this specific piece of advice that he gives…i like how hes encouraging people to find inspiration, and to get started on things. you dont need permission. uou dont need permission to expand your interests and literacy. and you know what?? poetry is cool. books are really cool. films are cool. and inspiring. so im glad that he got that message out there

writing this while eating digestives there's probably spellingmkstakes

the internet can be a wonderful place, you're right!! making friends on here is something that people enjoy doing, and gives some people the sense of joy, talking to these people

it also comes with so many forms of media, circulating all around the world — so many shows, so many pieces and bits that make up a full puzzle, and some strive to complete their own puzzle when they get on here.. the internet has so many wonderful things that have been made on here, and a good amount of supportive people to go along with it

fall in love and stay in love is quite straightforward on his part.. when you fall in love, it's like an overwhelming thrush of feelings, and you sometimes feel blinded by these feelings, asking yourself what's next, and why are you acting like this. i think that it's hard to stay in love, especially with the way people generally treat relationships currently — seeing it as more of a thing you do for the thrill rather than the tender experience of love from another person, having the chance to develop into something stronger

but you can always fall out of love.. it doesn't have to be that you always love one person forever, because it alternates for everyone.. some may stay with their first, others are still embarking on that journey of finding that person who they ultimately click with

buying books is great! when you have a book, reading it at a slower pace helps you take the general idea in — adding to your whole world of ideas.. trapping all the information in and nerding out about books and other things is something people should do more

books ARE cool, films are cool.. all these things are cool, and even if someone tells you it's lame, that's them. you taking the time to enjoy these things makes you even cooler, and it's good to have that perspective of where things that are considered 'nerdy' are seen as cool

but that's just me ꒰ · ◡ · ꒱

[ilynpilled]

Hey! So I'm from the Jaime/Lannister side of the fandom but wanted to ask your opinion on where you think GRRM is going with Dany. I don't mean spell out her endgame or anything, but what messages do you think he is trying to impart through her character? I see so much Dark!Dany! theory shaped by the show that has just never really resonated with how I read her in the books. I see her more as a figure who will try to be Queen of Westeros, but will ultimately end up abdicating or even sacrificing herself during the LN because finding "home" is more important to her than ruling... but that is not based on much other than gut feeling. What do you think?

yeah idrgaf about the show tbh. i think it fundamentally misunderstood key themes that the books were exploring. corrupted/mad dany feels so deeply cynical to me. people have been reiterating this: she is a subversive messiah figure & she is given a narrative that is so often reserved for the “male hero”. the gender commentary in that would fall flat on its face to me if she becomes mad fascist female ruler like bffr. yeah, she will get darker come winds, like everyone else she will have to make choices and will face moral dilemmas because she is resolved to continue combatting the institution of slavery. she knows she will not be able to do it without dirtying her hands in some way. i think grrm is gonna explore the concept of necessary force and the question of when it is more moral to take a stand and draw blood: is it justified to cut off and burn something at the root, especially if the alternative is allowing the cancer to exist and continue to spread? the institution of slavery is a wound that cannot just be covered up with a bandaid. like this is a very important aspect of abolition. the only way i can see the idea of “madness” be relevant is in a more subversive john brown paralleling way with how people thought that man was insane bc he wanted to end slavery lmfao. if terrible people think you are mad for attempting to make radical changes that harm them that is a good sign. also would hate her becoming an aerys parallel like in the show like that is cringe bio essentialism territory, again, antithetical to the themes prevalent in these books. d&d’s #subversive #dark #unexpected ending was unironically the equivalent of:

do not want her ‘idealism’ to be completely robbed from her at any point either really. im not opposed to tragedy but i dont think id vibe with it being too cynical in this instance. this series is about earned romanticism. its heroes are the dreamers yada yada. it is about a dream of spring. i always thought she represented hope in some way. she is gonna be the flame during TLN, literally and metaphorically imo. i do think there are thematic and more abstract aspects to lightbringer, like yeah humanity uniting over an ideal for a better future & it can be about hope or whatever, which is why multiple characters have some kind of flaming sword foreshadowing, but a main one is gonna be dany and her dragons. like on top of all the pretty overt foreshadowing, like let us think about the logistics here, what is gonna do more damage to the others?? three magic nukes or some convenient dues ex machina magical flaming toothpick we forge out of murdering a woman? i also do not want to instantly write her off as a doomed martyr either though. i see the appeal in the tragedy of the kind girl who wanted a home dying without ever getting to live in the one she created but still leaving it for millions upon millions of people present and future… but also idk i am just not crazy about martyrdom as a trope unless it is executed very well. i like when characters survive for a cause rather than die for it. dany always kept persevering, not just for herself, but others: her children and her people, so i like when altruism is framed in that way. also i might be a little bitter if she is the only one to die from the new generation or whatever like in the show

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Twilight-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Twilight Sparkle in the top left corner. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"nerd"

"Her defining character trait at the start of the show is trouble making friends and loving to read. She gets better at making friends but still loves to read and study magic. She’s very into the history of magic and geeks out over historical figures like Starswirl the Bearded. She also loves to organize things and she’s very particular about everything being in its correct place. If someone moves her stuff out of place it makes her stressed and her idea of a good time is reorganizing all of her books. Also she lived in a library and she’s a princess <3"

"This is sorta stereotypical but she's obsessed with science, order, books and list making, plus magic, but magic is normal in Equestria. Also, she was rather stringent in her scheduling. She never cared about friendship before she had friends and once she did, she had many, many, many lessons to learn! Her lessons in friendship helped me too! She also never seemed to know what was expected of her or what was right socially from wrong."

"She loves books and lives in a library and starts out not very good at making friends and not very interested in it either, but eventually she comes around on it, but she's still into being extremely nerdy and studying things like history and magic, and her organizational skill are unbelievably good. Honestly, she comes off with a touch of OCD too because she's also incredibly anxious and it's very important to her that everything is in its place, but in the Equestria Girls spin-off which takes place in an alternate reality where everyone is human instead of pony, the version of her who lives there is a STEM girlie who hides in her lab all the time, which is even more autistic of her."

"Socially awkward bookworm who is so focused on her studies that her mentor has to send her to friendship grad school so she can finally make friends. Ends up making the study of friendship her special interest and hyperfixates on it so hard that she becomes a princess through sheer magical force."

"Her Everything...hugely passionate about academics and magic but struggles with social norms but when she does find friends becomes very dedicated to them. often gets caught up in her own ideas and forgets to consult others and has to be gently reminded. more that i can't remember because i haven't watched mlp in a while but come on we all know twilight. the girl ever"

"Extremely knowledgeable on her subject of choice, has trouble understanding social cues and others feelings."

"She is obsessed with magic and science and has trouble relating to other people (er, ponies) and has few close relationships in the beginning, plus, she tends to have episodes when her schedules and routines are disrupted."

"I don't have the energy right now but her entire arc throughout the series is basically learning social cues. There's also some episodes early on that show her trying to find explanations to thing that don't have a clear answer, which I can relate to a lot. She also over prepares for things like tests and spends a LOT of time reading, which I kinda see as her special interest!"

"didn't feel a need to connect with her peers as a child and preferred reading books (relatable), sometimes takes expressions literally, has "obscure" interests, at times has difficulty "reading the room," can get lost in projects she's working on (her library goes back and forth from clear floors to many stacks of books all around depending on her current focus), is a perfectionist, plans things meticulously (has checklists for just about everything), and once had a sleepover "by the book" (followed the instructions in a book on how to have a sleepover step by step)."

"She is very smart academically, but lacking is social department (she gets better at it though as she makes friends). She likes routine, and things not going to plan is enough to send her into a stress spiral. She is passionate about magic and studying, which could be her special interests"

"Misunderstands social cues. Very studious, special interests in magic and Starswirl the Bearded. Only friends at the beginning of the series were her siblings and her teacher. Comforted by routines and organization. Link!"

"Constantly studying, to the point where at the start of the show she didn't want friends because they would get in the way of her studying. Not because she felt that she had to, but because it made her happy and it was her favorite activity. Extremely organized, she can't carry out a task if she can't make a fully-detailed list and plan. Is also abnormally talented at magic, which she has been passionate about since she was young, and more often than not she struggles to read social cues."

"she may be like the poster child for ocd and autism like just look at her. She was so bad at hanging out with people and making friends and she was such a bookworm who was obsessed with nothing but her studies of choice that her mentor had to ASSIGN HER TO MAKE FRIENDS. like the only way this girlie was gonna get along with people was if she was at risk of disappointing her mentor. Her special talent is magic and shes dedicated her life to figuring it out. So much so that when told to make friends she managed to uncover and spread the MAGIC of friendship. Like she had to include magic in it. And this lady just cannot take a hint. She never gets social cues. When one of her friends gets into a book seires that she likes the two of them bonded over it so much. Like twilight was fangirling all over the place." End ID.]

[kendrixtermina]

Serious Onions

I hadn’t put these on tumblr & it occurred to me that I probably should

o, my recent onion layers post has been met with unexpected great popularity - several ppl noted that they thought that, though it was obviously rather humoristic in style, it seemed to contain some on-point insights (it has been said that the best jokes contain a grain of truth), so, a few users asked if I might explain the thinking behind it.

General Remarks

As I previously detailed in a response, it didn't come from any particular source, but from an amalgamation of what id read in all the sources as well as all the personal accounts I'd read, what stuck out as noteworthy or what gets remarked upon as underappreciated/ misunderstood qualities by people of said types - and trying to think about which qualities are more 'fundamental' and which are reactions layered on top as defenses. The whole intrapsychic dynamics thing is a big part of what I find interesting to consider about typology, & independent of that I'd always been intrigued by the idea of "hidden depths" or less than obvious fundamental characteristics.

I was looking also at the process of getting to know a person, what more or less apparent characteristics are - the choice of 3 layers is relatively arbitrary - Loosely inspired by the saying that "Everyone has 3 faces, the public face, the close-up view of the inner circle & the inner stuff that maybe nobody sees", though I did not per se intend a 1:1 correspondence. ...that saying was probably thought up by a social having attachment core.

But more generally, without being too prescriptive, we can think of Layer 1 as what is the most obvious & apparent at first glance, Layer 2 as what comes forth when you get to know the person on an interactive-every-day kind of level or what is under the surface, and of Layer 3 as the basic disposition that all else build upon, the innermost self or some underlying truth – which for some ppl might be quite buried under a whole lot of defenses, for others is known only to themselves & for others yet might very much come forth in situations conducive to being open & shine through here & there.

For example, a 6 can look like a sour complainer or a hot mess, but when you look deeper, you might find that they're actually quite solid, dependable & competent, which you may overlook/ never get to know if you dismiss them based on the complainy exterior. But while some may seem 'obedient/dutyful', if you look further in (to the natural disposition that the individual themselves may have buried under sediments of defenses), what you actually find is this doubt/questioning. Furthermore, that's actually the core from which everything else logically follows.

though obviously here it's been given a blunt/humoristic slant with positive and negative moods/manifestations of the layers alternated for comedic effect - The inner core of the assertive types could show up as both pure and puerile for all three of them (in their own way), not like 3s its always pure and in 7s always childish, but there's some particularly that comes from their having the heart 'out of the loop'. I guess the 8 one sort of explicitly pointed as the "pure does not mean pure good" aspect of it.

Also, often the stereotype of the type is just based on the surface behavior but real people are 3D with depht and complicated inner mechanisms – in the end everyone’s an individual defined by more than just their types, but the deeper parts of a person also show some type-specific characteristics.

I'm breaking this into sections so it's not confusing to those with less patient attention spans.

Type 1

Layer 1: polish & politeness

Sort of the most obvious thing – they look put-together, nothing looks out of place about the outfit, no spelling errors, everything in its place.

Hence the common idea of them as neat freaks or perfectionists, not that either is always true – but ppl that have gone to panels have observed how if you see a bunch of them as a group, there can be ‚sparkly‘, ‚bright‘ or ‚brilliant‘ quality – especially contrasted with, say, the rigid/assertive 6s that can sometimes be confused with them, but present as more approachable.

This extends also to their behavior, as in being measured, having good manners etc. As competency cores they’d have a focus on ‚correct procedure‘ or ‚appropriate‘ responses, here in the realm of the concrete, of action and one’s spatial surroundings so that the results are rather visible.

A lot of the typical thinking activity is this quick binary sorting or evaluating – is this right or wrong, correct or incorrect, how does it compare? Is this the right amount of reaction? Does this match my inner image of how it should look? Not always solely moralistic but rather a kind of idealism applied to the concrete realm -

& that reflects on how they look, basically.

1w9s in particular may present a little stiff, awkward, overly formal or low on expressiveness, whereas the w2s can come across quite impassioned and zealous, a touch warmer and very well equipped to whip a crowd into a frenzy with fiery speeches or sermons full of rightheous indignation.

Layer 2: angery (meme spelling deliberate)

The well known catch is of course that there can be a lot of frustration underneath that.

There’s some individuals (especially if they’ve had a not so good childhood) where the anger can get quite diffuse & they’re not very aware of it;

Others very much realize that they’re motivated by a sense of frustration for what could be better that they’re trying to channel towards constructive ends.

How much that bleeds through depends on the individual, their level of self-awareness, how stressed they are & what situation they’re in, though they may underestimate how much of a critical, judgy or autocratic vibe there can be – a lot of em very much don’t want to come off that way.

With others, only their spouse or bestie might witness outright ranting or yelling.

There can be some contrast between the typically polite & measured surface presentation & the person blowing their top and then there’s of course all those often recited double life stories etc.

Those are of course the dramatic cases that make for dramatic anecdotes.

But on average you’re more likely to see rather measured responses - some don’t go beyond the odd nagging comment and hardly ever raise their voices (and might be uncomfortable with big displays from others, especially those of the w9 persuasion)

A lot of the time it’s nothing so dramatic, there’s just a bunch of only half-aknowledged pent-up frustration contributing the high blood pressure & tension headaches and the like.

Layer 3: sad idealist

Under the anger, tho, there’s sadness. On the macro scale, a grief over living in a fallen world full of injustice.

On the micro scale, a sadness about all that you’re denying yourself and how no one seems to be seeing your efforts.

As far as qualities that the 1s themselves tend to see as not getting appreciated enough, the EA studie named introspective qualities – that does track with my personal experience that a lot of Serious Philosophic Thoughts about the world can be found here, the world’s story state and uneccesary it could be if only everyone would care to fix it.

It’s worth noting that as the impulse types have sort of the least filtered perception, they take in all that’s happening on a direct, visceral level, so the revulsion or sadness at everything that’s ‚wrong‘ can be felt very strongly – emphatically state his some shameless behavior was ‚disgusting‘ or nearly losing his dinner over a crime scene photo -

And there’s also a real, sort of pure endearing sincerity of wanting to get it „right“, a real need to be doing one’s best, like that’s barely enough somehow.

Type 2

Layer 1: sugar spice & everything nice

The surface presentation is above all geared to be likeable and invite bonding – helpfulness is one aspect of that especially with sp-havers but it can get overemphasized. Other components depending on stacking may be approachability, charm, seductiveness, passion, flattery, schmoozing, even pointing out one’s special qualities, stressing exclusive qualities of the relationship or sympathy fishing for ‚legitimate‘ reasons like health problems or becrying the sorrow of a loved one etc.

as well as making sure to appear friendly, approachable, attractive, respectable etc.

Either way they feel they must actively make a good impression happen so they will actively offer to do stuff or even just go and do it spontaneously.

Recently I had a good chance to observe this in practice ’cause grandma is visiting and like, physically could not be stopped from cleaning mom’s house. If there is one dish in the sink she appears as if summoned by a magic circle even though she’s supposed to be the guest here. She’s also gone to pass on helpful reminders, made suggestions for how we should help mom & told all sorts of mildly melodramatic stories. I can understand that mom’s at times a bit annoyed with the nagging & the overreach, but, being perhaps able to look at this with more distance & less messy backstory, I’m making sure to say ‚Thank You‘ & give her hugs & stuff cause in the end she’s just a lonely old lady & wants to feel useful. I think I previously used to chalk it up to how she used to have an important job position & must be missing the special treatment & ability to contribute from that.

Layer 2: mother knows best

What distinguishes 2 from say, 9, is that its a far more proactive and somewhat ‚tough‘, it’s more hidden than with 5 or 8 but there’s still that, ‚I can handle it‘ thing. 2s are actually one of the types that can be pretty good in a crisis. (like 8, 1 or 6)

The whole ‚silk hiding steel‘ cliche might be invoked.

2 (like 1) tends to have the thinking functionality a bit out of the loop which has its downsides, like putting feelings over fact or acting without thinking, but that also means being low on doubt (not per se the relationship preoccupation kind of anxiety, they can have plenty of that, this is probably their big achilles heel) – one can act quickly & with certainty which, again, is great in crisis or extreme situations – hence why you often see 2s as charity workers, doulas, doctors-without-borders, hospice workers, homemakers etc. heavy responsibility emotionally taxing jobs that would emotionally crush others.

One might draw some parallel to 8 in that there is an aspect in getting a kick out of what would daunt others, but here not in the sense of risk, but rather obligation & responsibility and having other’s depend on you, having that sort of personal-relational power.

Of course this also has its downsides, as suggested by the funny monicker here there can be a tendency to hide behind the pleasant surface layer & not own one’s ambition, strenght or forcefulness. Or indeed the person may not know their own strenght or have low self-awareness of their own motives believing themselves to basically be the pleasant surface. (as 2 is somewhat blocked in the introspective function symbolized by the growth line to 4)

Though some know they’re tenacious & are proud of that – be it in a deserved or self-excusing way.

Also, even tough ppl have limits (another parallel to 8) – so one might either overextend themselves or snap and have some dramatic outburst because they feel overtaxed and unappreciated.

Layer 3: desperate hunger for love

What makes it a trap or a hell or a double bind is that on the one hand you rly strongly want to connect & have relationships, love & be loved etc. but on the other there’s a big implicit taboo of like outright showing that in some ways – cause that’s the avoidance, you can’t appear needy, that’s not gonna be considered very loveable or popular, or so your superego tells you.

& certainly our current capitalistic, competitive, every-man-for-himself culture that treats feelings as a gotcha doesn’t help, often when you hear discourse about relationships you could get the idea that there’s some unspoken assumption that whoever cares more somehow loses. Lots of dismissive talk about „silly lovesick girls“ and „needy bitches“, though, its not like more emotional men or dudes who are distressed about relationship misfortune don’t get viciously mocked.

That’s sort of the trap or tragedy that ppl get „tricky“ in response to rejection or fear of reection but then the trickyness brings about the rejection. But I imagine that there’s a special grief in realizing that few ppl want the same degree of interaction as you do & that some degree of holding back & censoring is needed for taking part in polite society. That can put you in a tricky position that can be a fertile ground for guilt feelings (much like realizing that you’re way less interested than most others can)

It’s worth remembering that ultimately these ppl just want to love & be loved (& some of ppl’s apprehension can be related to their own unease toward that concept or their own knotty relationships with want or need) – which isn’t to say that anyone should be put up with extremely unpleasant specimens, but even in those cases its kind of a tragedy when you look at it from a wider perspective. So, uh, maybe send your quarrelsome grandmas the occasional heart emoji or mother’s day text I guess.

Type 3

Layer 1: flashy facade

You know the drill: If they were in a book there would be a little „TM“ somewhere, and if they were in an animated medium, their teeth would sparkle when they grin. This is the part that’d described to death in all the descriptions out there so you can probably picture what is meant.

Glossy, flashy, bright and dazzling, megawatt smile, optimistic Can Do attitude, , versatility, constant improvement, efortlessness, „star“ presentation…

Though it must be appreciated that the degree also values by the individual, 378 is oing to be much flashier than, say, 359. Some what to be respected & known more for their „output��

Layer 2: efficient robot

Cordon describes this kind of interestingly – ovsly being a 6 and also a therapist he’d have observe ppl closely, and he described how you might be talking with a smiley, expressive person but also get the sense that somewhere behind that there’s someone else, carefully watching.

He describes that 3s often have an affinity to or identify themselves with high performance machines, and indeed that’s something you can confirm by looking at the works of some prominent musicians for example.

There’s that layer of ‚calculation‘ or ‚instrumentalism�� – a split between the ‚social‘ and ‚impulse based‘ emotions in which the latter get tuned out to not interfere with the performance of the former. The attachment typical split-attention plays out by having the vigilant perception of ppl’s reactions and fine-tuned performing of social emotions existing in parallel with the planful action coming from the planning mind & the impulses.

Which unintentionally sounds like im describing a supervillain, but it can actually be an amazing & unique ability to handle social situations through a problem-solving lens, which can allow one to be efficient and masterful, and, in more, enlightened individuals constructive & persuasive in a way you couldn’t pull off if you let your own reactions feature into it unfiltered.

An example is how the protagonist of Kare Kano (probably 3w4) responds when she gets snubbed by her classmates. I could imagine stewing in your hurt and trying to find some meaning in it (which is what I would have done), I could imagine how someone might grovel or people-please in order to be liked, but the third approach that the protag actually uses would never have occurred to me:

It’s not that she wasn’t hurt by the experience or feeling insecure about it, but instead of dwelling on how she’s hurt or having a grudge against the classmates, she problem solves: She finds herself new friends who help her identify & publicly call out the ringleader behind the snubbing, and therefore skillfully maneuvers the class into siding with her. She even extends an olive branch to the former ringleader.

I am also a competency type so I might apply methodology to many areas of life where most ppl wouldn’t, but I would never thought of approaching this sort of social situation through such a lens, I thought that was pretty impressive of Miss Yukino.

Though, on the other side of that, there can be the temptation for some 3s to put off dealing with the fee fees for so long they just never get around to it, doing nothing but work work work , disregarding their human limitations etc.

Layer 3: golden retriever

In some ppl it’s very buried under a lifetime’s worth of need-nobody-tough-guy-act, thick calluses and/or believing one’s own hype, but somewhere at the beginning before it all went sideways they started out as some little kiddo with a pure & sincere desire to win love, approval and headpats, to hear ppl say that they’re proud of them, that they’re seen & valued, that they did good - which you might recognize as ultimately 100% purely feelings-based motivations.

Of course at some point the individual might have decided to settle for glory & hype because real love & approval weren’t forthcoming, or because of the vulnerability entailed in looking for the real deal. People can just not give you the approval, or they can laugh at you & call you names instead - & the disaproval stings if you easily attach to other’s perceptions of you.

So there’s like, just hype where it doesn’t matter where it comes from divorced from properly bonded relationships, and there’s nifty status symbols you can slap your hand on. You’ll show them. They’ll see when you’re swiming in money and having what all the ppl on TV have... and probably just, numb out whatever bits clamor for like proper connection until it no longer feels safe to drop the mask. Like this is a counterdependent mechanism. Like the rebel 6s or those more loner-y 9s.

Judging by the stereotypes you’d think the tough badass ellbow feelings-are-for-losers presentation is the default. Or well, it’s not like trying to be tough is always dysfunctional or overcompensation, the world is a tough cutthroaty place. Nothing wrong with being a badass as long as you’re not like exceedingly ruthless toward others.

But this doesn’t prepare you for pulling up some youtube video or podcast and you get these like really sincere expressive ppl that are obviously all heart & capable of a very ‚pure‘ sort of mirroring or connecting. And yes they’re all organized, yes they care about being popular, they like attention & clearly have, like, the charming, polishing and crowd-working skills of someone who’s like a moderator, but they also basically just want you to like you & think they’re cool no knots or trickery or underhanded hidden agendas.

That’s also why no one ever types Naruto right though he constantly proclaims that his goal is to embody the cultural ideal of his hometown so people will approve of him. that, and he’s sp blind. And a feeler. F types can often be the less ‚onion layered‘ version of a given type, presumably cause being poked in the lower functions hurts prompting the development of more guards. Though you can get some pretty guarded feelers if you subject them to enough bad parenting…

Though overall most 3s are probably still generally the quintessential „peach“ type person (defined in opposition to a „coconut“ where there is a hard shell/initial hurdle to get to the juicy center) – fairly easy to build a rapport with & become surface level friends with, but then there’s that inner core that takes a special level of trust to get to.

Type 4

Layer 1: distinguished sophistication

On average, the surface presentation tends to be distinguished, sophisticated, deliberate and cultivated – as this is a withdrawn type they won’t always necessarily loudly declare themselves & might well often feel that it’s not worth bothering cause ppl might not get it anyway (especially the w5 specimens), but if they do speak/ get involved, they will make their positions, likes & dislikes fairly clear. This can sometimes frustrate or confuse attachment types whose MO is to first find some common ground & then buil on that / see how good the fit is, & can take the pointing out of differences as a rejection or judgement.

Generally withdrawn types don’t expect others to agree with them (indeed if too many ppl agreed the 4 might be some degree of embarassed) but it’s just like – I say my opinion, you say yours, if they differ then they just do.

Granted, seeing as tastes & likes & feelings are Serious Business(TM) they may well lambast ppl who listen to the wrong kind of music (because of the culture & associations that that music is seen as a symbol for) – This is seen as having „strong values“ & if as a result you can’t get along with everyone, that’s just how it is. (though they may of course have too high standards, jump to conclusions on those associations or lament that they can’t find anyone who „gets it“) – but more mature ones are more willing to live & let live.

Even so, this is a marked difference to some of the types that are, at least on paper, easily confused, such as 9, 2 or 6 – those are all types that have some compulsion to appear approachable, personable and/or avoid antagonizing others.

Like 8s for example they’re not one of the types that are automatically nice but don’t want to appear easily impressed (if their approval were too easily given it wouldn’t mean much) – though to ppl with reactive components this may read as a pleasant lack of fake niceness.

Lately it’s been en vogue to describe 4s as ‚elitist‘ to like make them sound unappealing to common idealization-based mistypes but that’s not really neutrality either – can some 4s be superior snobs?

Yes. But not everyone. What they definitely are is specific, like idealizing a very particular kind of music or aesthetic , sometimes to the point of painting themselves into a corner. But „I like this particular thing & everything else isn’t my cup of tea“ doesn’t have to mean putting down others you can just differentiate yourself naturally.

And there is value in making very specific or particular or self-indulgent stuff that otherwise wouldn’t be created for fear that it wouldn’t have broad appeal - since they’re just, doing it for themselves with themselves as the intened audience.

The principle to understand here is like basically – „If no one will see me, I’ll see myself“, imbuing one’s actions with symbolic meaning to create a sense of significance.

It’s also worth noting that 4 is like, intellectual center secondary & wedged in between two competency wings so, some individuals can be fairly proud of their intellect & even brag of it in ways that 2, 9 or 6 probably wouldn’t. Which can be overdone to a point of obnoxiousness especially if there’s some defensive arrogance going on, but also lead to a sense of refined craftsmanship especially if the line to 1 is somewhat active.

In the same vein, individuals can also have a thing about self-improvement and self-betterment or take a ‚shamanic guide‘ kind of role.

Though immature individuals can also not think very much at all & resist all advice or improvement suggestions due to seeing their problems as unsolveable and any fixing attempt as unauthentic.

Layer 2: pure spite

So you meet your fave artist that had this consummate specific aesthetic, and turns out everyone who knew them up-close describes them as drama-prone, vicious, negative, liable to making incendiary statements, self-absorbed and just guaranteed to make the purity police get its panties in a twist.

What’s going on here?

On the most basic level, there is simply a lack of negativity filter, which doesn’t just concern relatively ‚pretty‘ negativity like sadness, but also making a big deal of personal poblems or expressing srong dislike, disdain, disgust, loathing or hate.

Hate is often seen as something that should always be got rid off, but, though there are constructive and non constructive outlets like for all emotions, it is not the only emotion that’s somehow all bad and doesn’t have a function. Some things arguably should be abhorred. Grudges keep you from burning yourself on the same hot stove twice.

Disgust is, at its most basic, the drive to avoid the contamination of the individual: „That’s NOT me. That’s disgusting. I don’t want to be like that“ – disgust can motivate you to be moral, or at least to hold on to what’s important spite can make you persevere when nothing else will sustain you.

Hence why a 4 component is often correlated with vindictiveness or revenge fantasies.

Obviously it can be overdone as like reckless dumb spats or personal vendettas that only lead to more scorched earth, but like, the functionality is there for a reason.

Nonetheless, core 4s can be very salty ppl, especially if they feel permanently wronged/slighted/ shortchanged or spend too much time simmering over how much easier others have it without then moving to the next step of action or acting in impulsive rather than constructive ways.

Layer 3: grief & longing

Most ppl eventually just accept that the world isn’t fair and that what is lost is lost – we might tough it out, suck it up, positively reframe it, tell ourselves it doesn’t matter etc. Sometimes that might be what you have to do to survive; Though sometimes there can also be a tad of self-betrayal there.

Either way, we forget the lost paradise – and the 4s kinda don’t. Whatever hurt they went through, they want to honor it and give it its proper space. It’s not necessarily that 4s per se suffer more or less than other ppl, it’s that their relationship to it is different-

And like, let’s acknowledge that there is a truth and a wisdom in this, or at least a fragment of the whole picture: Bad stuff is BAD. What hurts HURTS. What’s gone is GONE and never coming back.

You might say that it’s pointless to be hung up on that and that it cannot be changed anyways and, like, that’s the other types having their own slice of reality & fragment of the truth, but, what’s also true is… it was still bad. It still hurts. It still mattered.

You know how it is sometimes said that grief is the pendulum swing of love, or love with nowhere left to go? It’s the evidence that the love was there. That what was lost was worth something.

And there’s like, a sincerity and idealism in that, a very genuine thing (for all that it can, like all things, be overemphasized), despite the outer layers of drama and pretesion.

Some descriptions focus only on like, the sadness without the context or structure or particularity (after all everyone can be sad & for some its a longer journey to realize their sadness matters) whereas others paint only the uglyness and drama without connecting it to where it really comes from and neither of those is a complete picture.

Type 5

Layer 1: [*televison static*]

Which is, uh, obviously a sort of humorous play on the way that these are often considered as being somewhat hard to read, low on expressiveness, unforthcoming in disclosure, clumsy in social niceties etc.

Sometimes it is very much intentional to restrict an interaction to ‚strictly business‘ of course – can’t be friends with all the billions on the planet especially if you’re super duper introverted and also busy with stuff.

But i also think Cordon was onto something with there being a quick tendency towards freeze responses (in the same way that 6s tend toward vigilance & confronting the problem, and 7s towards running away/avoiding it) and if you couple that with the whole tendency to see „the outer world“ as the place that is potentially suspect, well…

In a sense its basically just means having an especially pronounced version of the whole „introvert needs a while to ‚thaw up‘ and get comfortable“ phenomenon.

There’s also the strong content focus, which can come off impersonal to some – or straight up rude or callous if the individual fails to consider how things might be taken on other possible communication channels (like a personal-relational lens or lizardbrainy power dynamics) – not considering these can also cause one to come off less convincing, as in aimless rambling or having little sense of presence.

It’s not always about hiding or diversion, telling you about some stuff that they personally find interesting talking more than strictly necessary.

I’m not saying you have to put up with annoying aimless rambling monologues, but you might want to be like, „No thank you“ rather than „Shut up you showoff/weirdo/nerd, no one wants to hear this“

There can be uncertainty as to how to interact at all when there isn’t a clearly defined activity or topic.

But you do read accounts where the individual in question ostensibly took responsibility & made sure to explicitly clarify their intentions and feelings verbally, but that still got taken as ‚mixed signals‘, when the person described just seems to be… the normal amount of nervous for a young person on a date, for example. You can only do so much about what kind of automatic fear response you have.

As these are usually private & reclusive, the number of those who get to look beyond the first layer is usually fairly small; Only their lover, bestie or immediate family members maybe. For some the number might be outright zero, unless they’re some sort of artist or wrote their inner thoughts & feelings down in some kind of journal. And even then there’s a higher than usual percentage of those whose materials were only published after their death.

And many very much prefer it this way, though you sometimes hear from the social doms that they are somewhat bothered by this, in that they want to be or subjectively feel connected (like all the other social doms, one supposes) but feel frustrated that they can’t, even if they’re quite capable of putting up an engaging, likeable front. You sometimes read the specific phrasing of the person wishing someone would see through it and move the conversation beyond the script.

Though, not having social, I can’t personally relate to that at all and the prospect of people assuming that I secretly want them to do anything seems threatening if anything. Though I share the perception that a lot of exchanges are really just ppl following scripts, but, for me that’s a reason to dispense with such ‚zero content‘ exchanges completely.

Layer 2: obsessive doomer

What you usually see reported when ppl get to know one of these up close is „Wow this person is super negative“ and „wow this person is a lot more blunt/direct than I thought they would be, weren’t they, like, shy?“ (Contrary to popular belief, not all introverts are shy.)

Besides getting them to move in with you, you might also seesomeone act a great deal less filtered in an anonymous setting or something like a short vacation where they have the option of never seeing anyone involved ever again.

I also recall this post of someone who couldn’t quite make sense of that one reticent sort of unreadable friend cause he’d only joi in their antics so often, wasn’t super expressive etc. though he had outright told them that their friend group is very important to him, „unless he’s drunk and then he’s suddenly very open about everything“ and I thought to myself, ‚Ah. That‘s probably the closest they get to seeing what he’s like on his own’.

If you look at a list of famous artists, writers or musicians or whatever their material doesn’t tend to be known for being like blank prosaic & precise or whatever but for being dark and intense and sometimes a bit provocative, or at least kinda philosophic.

Though, if you look at some of the earlier literature, like Naranjo, Palmer, Maitri and so on the defining characeristics rather seem to be „kind of ineffectual“ and „throws the towel rather easily & keeps coming up with reasons why its pointless to do anything“

So, what do these ppl do all the time by themselves?

One poster here wrote something like„5s aren’t necessarily all smart, we’re really just obsessive“, and I think they pretty much hit the nail on the head.

I mean, some were probably smart – Charles Darwin maybe? If there was only a single smart one it was probably Paul Dirac. But your friendly neighborhood specimen is probably not that, any more than every 9 is Einstein or that any 7 is Feynman....

You could get a pretty solid understanding of stuff too if you were reading about it or practicing it all the time, and probably thinking about it when you aren’t – instead of say, socializing or doing useful practical tasks.

And there’s absolutely no guarantee at all that you’ll get obsessed with something that makes money or that others think is impressive.

Though, if there’s one good trait or upside to all this mess it’s probably the way that you can just keep at it wether anyone cares or not, theres no getting discouraged from lack of praise or response, if anything one works best if nobody knows about it until the thing is nearing completion.

It is kind of an interesting paradoxon that you have this relentless focus on the one hand and this struggle or resistance to do what actually needs to be done on the other.

I can appreciate its interestingness, even if its the bane of my personal existence…

Layer 3: touchy bundle of nerves

Like most iterations of the ‚gooey center‘ trope this can get quite buried in some individuals especially if their parents messed up – You even do get some unpleasant individuals with poor self-awareness who then maintain that everyone else must be clingy, irrational and overdramatic because they don’t realize that they’re the sensitive ones. The Protagonist of the classical German novel ‚Homo Faber‘ is a prime example. A nasty stuckup sexist piece of work, but a strangely relatable one in some ways, to the point where I wonder about Max Frisch himself, though, cannot have shared his protagonists’ disdain for all things poetic seeing as he was a famous author & playwright.

Others may simply have misplaced the box with the feelings sometimes in the 70s and have no idea where they put it.

But lots of ppl are well aware of what’s going on inwardly, level of outward expressiveness onwithstanding, there’s a reason 4 is a common mistype. The anecdotal example people in the enneagram literature have to be commended for their „fun“ metaphors. I wonder sometimes whatever became of the „its like running through a field of cacti with no skin“ guy. That book was old, so he might no longer be with us.

In the end the behavior may not differ than much either way because, you know how some computer applications show you annoying alerts so often that eventually you just completely ignore them?

In a sense the defense mechanisms do serve you well, if you compare to some non-5 high sensitivity ppl. There are some shared qualities like being easily tired by drama situations, being easily startled, low pain tolerance etc. but generally „cant take violent movies“, „easily swept up in & affected by other’s feelings“ are not problems I have.

(though of course, more over/ less „buffered“ sensitive types have their own kinds of strenghts that we don’t, & being Like This also produces its own secondary problems)

Type 6

It’s been brought to my attention that take here skewed a bit toward 6w5; For 6w7, a bit more chill but a bit less self-reliance, something like a cross between this and the 7 onion. Still I’ll try to keep it generally applicable as much as it can be given the complexities of these guys.

Layer 1: commander contrarian

The range of presentations is great here, depending greatly on the environment and such values as the individual has considered to be worthwhile guideposts, yet if one were to to distill them all down to some commonality, it would be some degree of ‚hot mess‘ or ‚relatable everyman‘ flavor -

if not to connect with others or get their help, then at least to stay under the radar and avoid putting a target on your back.

There is also a tendency to be the one who considers how it might all blow up, whether it is expressed more as worry than as scepticism.

They might be complaining about you not following the rules, or complaining about the rules themselves, but they’re probably the ones doing the complaining or going against the grain of the prevailing opinion – sometimes, particularly for 6w7, it can even mean taking the positive side when the prevailing opinions are negative.

They’re doing us all a solid with this, as it has been shown that the presence of even one dissenting opinion greatly lowers the strenght of groupthink effects, like ppl agreeing with a crowd of actors that the longer of two lines is actually the shorter.

Layer 2: dutiful soldier

When you look closer, though, you see that though they might be complainers, they’re not quitters.

6s may often overreport the level of mess in their lives, have difficulty internalizing past sucesses (since, theoretically, it could still go wrong this time) and frequently exist in a state of ‚AAAAA‘, this is ultimately a type that has the potential to be quite perseverant, hardworking, resillient, dedicated and, at their best, even heroic.

And being all this while also having that ‚humble‘ presentation on top can also make you likeable & engaging.

This can be taken too war of course in sticking or being loyal to a cause that’s not worth it though it’s worth noting that they’ll be loyal to ppl that they agree with and that seem worth it, & once soundly dissapointed they might swiftly swing around to the opposite.

Layer 3: trusts no one including self

Zoom in further, though, and you’ll see that at the bottom is this mode of perception where everything can change as easily as thinking of a different possibility – the search for certainty, for something worth supporting or believing in, & to be prepared & steadfast oneself is precisely spurned on by one’s propensity to doubt and second-guessing one’s actions, whether one pursues those doubts, looks for something to allay them, or perhaps both at the same time (such as aligning with ppl but also testing them)

Something in there is always like „but how do you know? Can you really be sure?“ Wether or not the person’s conscious of it it’s consistently fueling their actions even if those consist of stronger clinging to a supposed solution or more fierce resisting against those who tell them they’re wrong.

The opposite response of always taking any doubt seriously isn’t per se better than denyoning it though if it leads to being overly suspicious.

Of course some individuals may respond in a different way depending on each particular thing they’re doubtful about few always have the same response all the time.

On some level it’s a search for a deeper truth that, when one is in alignment with it, gives a solid foundation to ones’ decisions (which can look very different depending on the individual, it could be a personal truth or a way of understanding the world. )

Type 7

Layer 1: happy happy joy joy

There is the assumption that one must have a pleasant, positive demeanor, so this is what such a individual might tend to be remembered for, though the quality of that rememberance can vary – maybe ppl liked the irreverent sense of humor, or how they brought some light and joy into other people’s lives, or that they were cool & fun to hang around with… or they might be thought of as sort of silly and irresponsible. Lots of variables regarding both the 7 themself as well as the eye of the beholder.

The rainbow candy-coating serves as variety or purposes. First the mention might want to keep things light for their own peace of mind, also humor erodes hierarchies and fun cool interesting lighthearted & stimulating atmosphere attracts people to you & also helps you charm them so they let you get away with whatever you please.

But there’s also a darker side to it like assumptions that they can’t depend on anyone to take care of them, and that they’ll be ditched if they become boring, a bother or a drag and that others won’t want the if they don’t bring the entertainment (& always bringing it can lead your friend group to self-select for ppl who are only in it for the entertainment value.) & that they can’t show their sadness to others which is like… not so fun.

It doesn’t help that their default fear response is to „look for a way out“ often by thinking up a solution or trying to reframe or explain away the problem so that what gets taken as not taking the problem seriously might actually be a direct sign of distress.

Layer 2: bucketloads of raw intelligence & creativity

However, despite the above phenomena, its important to stress that its not clowns all the way down.

Sometimes it’s like they kinda won the jackpot when ppl were handing out the talents:

- clever

- creative

- dynamic/ action oriented / energetic

- resourceful

- not too bogged down by inhibitions or ppl’s opinions

- confident

- eloquent

- charismatic

Most people can only pick like 2 of these at once.

Were it not for their twin weaknesses of Sadness and Shiny Objects, 7s would’ve taken over the world. Its like the universe had to nerf them.

See mother nature, this is how you properly engineer a mental dominant hexad type. You gotta add in some Extroversion as a required secondary power to make it actually sustainable to be running the most resource-intense types of thinking processes 24/7. 

Of course not every individual reaches the fullness of that potential, some bail when it gets difficult or get overconfident & fancy themselves instant experts and then they can get kinda dilettantish, shallow & mostly hot air etc.

But imho 7s are underrated & one of those types that there’s hardly any content about, for everyone that’s like an irresponsible absentee parent or a vapid attention whore there’s like another who’s like really cool, badass & generous, and then there’s the ones that are just stone cold brilliant.

Layer 3: sad manchild

Where there is light, however, there is shadow.

First, there’s the infamous Inner Jail(TM) or like the tendency to avoid sadness & worry until it suddenly catches up with you all at once cause you stopped moving for 5 minutes.

There��s a reason 7 musicians are either like „Wild eclectic creativity explosion!!“ or Miserable Wail Of Sadness, sometimes going from one to the other depending on how the artists’s life is going or that they’re sometimes these ppl who kill themselves of all sudden though everything seemed fine & dandy even to their inner circle.

The other side of this, which is maybe more frustrating to others & often quite the contrast to the person’s apparent brilliance, is like, the petulance & childishness & refusal to take responsibility cause they have to get what they want and they must think of themselves in a good light.

A point to understand is that there can be a real frantic urgency to it, like, contemplating the opposite can seem next to unbearable. Unlike their direct neighbors 6 and 8, they’re not really that tought. They avoid the bad stuff cause they actually struggle to handle it, though they may also be overestimate how bad its gonna be. Hence also the tendency sometimes to wallpaper over untennable situations that they very much have the skills & resources to get out of – they don’t get over the hill cause they must be okay.

Though while I stressed the negative side of this quality for the purposes of having a punchline, is worth noting that there is also a positive pendant to this, like having a genuine childlike wonder, curiosity and enthusiasm about the world that is retained well into later stages of life & a far lower probability toward comformism or boringness. If you see like a middle aged person that’s still wearing colorful clothes, is somewhat up to speed with popculture or tech and talks to younger ppl without expecting deferrence, thats often a 7.

Type 8

Layer 1: strategic tactician

So, not everyone is actually going to have this layer since its presence implies the realization at some point that purposeful strategic action and wisdom are more useful than just yelling & banging on the table – You can get the very same thing that you want with a lot less collateral damage.

The thinking facilities need to be at least partially ‚online‘

The ‚thickness‘ also varies correspondingly to the extent that planning, understanding & foresight is valued as its own „input channel“ vs just a way to make X happen. (though „doing stuff“ is and always will be the main focus)

Its presence is indicated by realizations like „sometimes staying calm/acting unfazed actually gets you more influence“, or knowing the value of diplomacy at least on a purely pragmatic level.

Strategy is informed by sharp instincts and impulses given a broader repertoire of „how“ -

The result is often quite formidable & masterful.

So, am I saying the young & dumb are one layer short? Well the choice of 3 layers was always an abstraction for the sake of analogy…

8 has as much depht & interestingness & juicy inner mechanics as any other type but, there was this one book or website I read that had like couples advice & the section for 6s considering to date an 8 said something like „don’t overthink it, they probably mean exactly what they said, they’re straightforward ceatures“

Which needs to be said, as 6 pretty much exists as a towering edifice of precariously balanced forces – but like, not overcomplicating here is meant like in the strict sense of „not adding complications that aren’t necessary“

Layer 2: animal with clothes on

Even the actual 8s themselves report a certain affinity with wild animals, in all the good, bad and simply neutral ways.

Some report that they kind of felt ‚grown‘ already at an early age since they always could think of what to do – there was this excellent essay post a while back about how having less filtering/ being more focussed on the concrete means you feel everything that happens very fully & so you have strong immediate reactions in response, & this creates a feedback loop where eventually your quick judgements/ immediate impressions get strong, developed & sophisticated.*

For 8 in particular these quick judgements rely on paying attention to your basic instincts and also kinesthetic/sensorimotor learning.

I’ve read some individuals describe it as basically being connected to the millions of years’ worth of accumulated information that went into making our instincts & sort of sensorimotor processing the way it is -

If nothing else evolution’s had a long time to optimize that lizard brain so if you want to make quick and cheap split-second decisions.

So you get ppl that can react fast & efficient in a crisis, which probably contributes to the tendency towards cognitive (not necessarily social) extroversion & stimulation seeking (thats what being an extrovert basically is – your base activity level is fairly low so need more external stimulation to get to a comfortable point. )

Of course to onlookers this can simply read as uncontrolled, intimidating or fierce.

* It strikes me that a reverse corollary of this probably explains why 4s and 5s often report the experiece that they „didn’t get the manual“ or that „everyone else already seemed to know how everything works“. Having a strongly filtered/interpreted mode of perception & not using the impulse center much, you don’t build up these automatic responses/snap judgements, so it seems that everyone else ‚already knew what to do‘.

So it can feel like you still don’t know how anything on this weird planet works well into advanced adulthood, as reverse of the 8s and 1s quicker self-reliance.

So after a quarter century, the mystery has finally been solved: The other kids at the nursery didn’t actually know what they were doing any more than I did, of course not, how could they have? We were all babies. They didn’t need to know „how“ cause they were going on friggin autocomplete, which I simply had no talent at.

It’s really bittersweet to have a reason 25 years too late.

Would fit right in with the lyrics of „isnt it ironic“.

I kinda wish I could go back and tell 3 year old me, but she probably wouldn’t have understood.

Do you hear this, Inner Toddler? I did it. I got the answer….

I wonder if there’s some equivalent in this in 1s and 2s as well as 7s and 8s.

Layer 3: pre-civilized grade schooler

Sometimes you hear that whole Big Teddy Bear cliche & that’s like, half the story, missing some nuances. Sometimes it describes the situation well enough but other times its inadequate.

Cause our culture likes to use children as images of perfect idealized innocence & harmless but actual kids are rather more a primal undivided state before the introduction of mental labels, containing both the potential for extremely genuine, unaffected compassion and careless malice of ripping the wings off an insect in play without realizing the full impact of what one is doing.

I think playing children can also be thought of as a symbol of wilderness and chaos – when there are regarded as neutral things that simply are, in all their complicated interestingness.

The Inner Toddler is also where the feeling of being wronged & wanting to get your will comes from, a blunt, pure and basic thing, even if that input then gets filtered through razorsharp instincts and sophisticated thought. You got the heart there off in its own little compartment and held back by the „blockage“ represented by the line to 2, so that it is in a sense kept safe where the world can’t get at it. But our feelings are still often where our motivations come from, especially long-term motivations that go beyond the basic „grab sandwich“ or „assert dominance“ (which arguably doesnt require that much thinking or feeling.)

Type 9

Layer 1: generic niceness

That’s sort of a kinda mean way to put it for comedic effect, but what it refers to is how the first contact surface level presentation tends to skew vaguely friendly but inoffensive, with some reluctance to state opinions, show distinguishing traits, state wants etc. and a general tendency to be accomodating or just quiet, disinterested & not very attention grabbing etc.

Generally you need to establish some trust first before the edges and corners are allowed to come out, with the 9w8s having on average a lower threshold for this.

Though, generally speaking with an average person you will eventually let their interesting traits come out & get more animated once they get comfortable, at least if they like you (though they may still put off avoid particularly big & serious confrontations or revealing things they’re insecure about)

Sometimes you see the idea floating around that to be a 9 you must be a doormat all the time, that’s not really correct. If anything that would probably indicate low self esteem, bad parenting or a lack of good quality friends if someone doesn’t ever feel comfortable saying their opinions & stuff.

Layer 2: pent-up frustration

Ah, but even if you try to be nice & accomidating all the time, sometimes you’re gonna want to do stuff, and sometimes you are not going to like what happens – especially if you’re an impulse type.

It’s only natural that never getting you way, always holding it in for the sake of avoiding drama & always giving up on what you want is going to create some degree of frustration, resentment or even anger. Humans arent doormats, being pushed around naturally & correctly makes you angry.

Blowing your top, however, would create even more of that drama you wanted to avoid in the first place, so that’s not an option either…

So there can be a diffusing of impulse or a numbing out of what would constitutionally have been a fairly receptive configuration. Sometimes with the sideffect that you also knock out the like, useful impulses to do stuff that goes beyond ingrained habit.

Some 9s, especially 9w1s will tell you that they rarely ever get angry, but it typically still takes some effort to stay that way, eg one might get distracted absent minded or forgetful when there i a lot of stressful stuff going on cause a lot of energy is devoted to NotGettingMad.exe

These are the ppl who can be sometimes at risk of not standing up for themselves.

Others are quite aware of it & brimming with inward frustration that might come out as snark, stubbornness or passive-aggression

Though its not just frustration alone - giving up on stuff/ feeling that following your dreams is impossible or that you’re not worth it, can also create sadness & stressing about conflict sources or general unadressed life problems can also make you anxious.

Often leading to the frequently reported phenomenon that 9s are often not nearly as chill or happy as they might outwardly appear, especially if they’re more introspective mbtis.

But even the ones with less inner awareness of their feelings & stuff can still have all of this going under the surface.

Layer 3: dreamy philosopher (interesting!)

...and then, who would have thunk, you find out that your pleasant but unassuming new friend actually has some pretty deep thoughts & feelings in their head, a rich, vivid imagination, a variety of well-developed interesting hobbies (though often more of the chill, domestinc kind), & just all manner of hidden dephts. Incluing sometimes picking a whole lot of stuff about their surroundings or the dynamics between the people there that others would miss since they would be more focussed on the parts that are relevant to their own interests.

As 9 is the ‚pure‘ impulse type, there’s a fair degree of energy, groundedness, vitality & ‚natural wisdom‘ to be unlocked here (that comes out in a less ‚colored‘ way than for 1 or 8) – or rather, one 9 described it to me that they get more animated & on the more that the environment is one of comfortable ‚flow‘, which correlates with my observations – like a normally super shy, closed off individual could suddenly be very funny & even cheeky when their family members are just vibin’ on the sofa or playing random party games.

In any case, for a type that characteristically tends to worry about being boring ironically they probably lower than average chance of boringness.

Are there some genuinely boring 9s? Probably, there’s billions of em, some of those are probably boring, and some part of interestingness is in the eye of the beholder.

I’d say that boringness mostly happens when someone isn’t aware of their potential for depht & dismisses the interests or sometimes turmoil-filled thoughts that would cultivate it as not worth pursuing, so that this inner place of imagination & softness gets obscured or go undeveloped.

[foggysirens]

Hey, about your imposter syndrome post.

As I see it, it really doesn’t matter how bad you think you are on fandom spaces, there are no consequences for being a good or bad fic writer. Just do your thing and best case scenario people will like what you wrote, worst case, people will not. Literally doesn’t matter at all, people (including you) are just having fun, if it’s not fun anymore, and it’s causing you stress, maybe looking into other hobbies can be a healthy alternative, but there is no reason why it should not be fun.

Save the imposter syndrome to your workplace or college where it can be weaponized by your mediocre male peers as the capitalist God intended lmao

hey anon!

i absolutely agree with you! fandom is something that should absolutely be fun! writing fanfiction is something that, if it’s a hobby you partake in, should be fun! i’m well aware that in the scheme of things that this is all just for fun, that fandom is for fun and fanfic isn’t all that serious. and as i said in the tags of my original post- fandom is fun for me. i get great enjoyment from blogging about my silly little shows and talking about the characters i love. but sometimes, and i think some fellow creators here will agree with me, as much as you love and enjoy doing something, putting things out there for others to see can make you feel a little anxious. can make you feel like an imposter when you see so many great works of art and fic out there- or when you see big fandom discussions and discourse that aren’t all that fun. i don’t think that means i should quit, or stop or find a new hobby- and that’s on me if my original post i made it sound that bad, like i haven’t been feeling awesome but, as i said, im still enjoying fandom. because i do agree that sometimes taking a break from fandom is for the best. it’s all for fun and yes, untimely fandom and fanfic is something you should do for yourself first.

my biggest issue is that i let my anxiety and insecurities get the best of me sometimes. even with things that are just for fun, because writing is something i care about and i get in my head. it’s my favourite hobby and sometimes when you care about something, no matter if there are any consequences or not for writing anything good like with fanfiction as you said, you’ll get nervous or anxious, because you’re still sharing something you made. worked on and put time into. and it’s easy to sometimes compare yourself to others, even in a more easy-going, fandom space, and feel a bit down on yourself. we are our own worst critics sometimes.

but thank you anon really, i didn’t mean to go off on a rant because i really do agree with you- i do. it’s good sometimes to remind ourselves to not take ourselves so seriously, especially with fandom when you can get caught up in things so easily, but it’s also a mindset that you have to grow into. work at. to just chuck your anxiety and insecurities out the door, even when logically you know they’re silly, but sometimes it’s not that easy. and that’s just brains for you. i wish i could just say fuck it like you suggested, and i hope one day i will. for now, i will, as i said, work on it and just try to remind myself to take it easy and chill.

and honestly? id rather my imposter syndrome be towards my writing ability and fics, cause ill be damned if i ever let some mediocre man make me feel that way lol

[i-can-even-burn-salad]

Bad End Theater

[ID: The main menu of the game Bad End Theater. A black screen showing the entrance of a theater drawn in white lines. Above the entrance is a crying mask. Below are the options to enter or quiet. A red warning at the top reads: content warning: blood/gore/violence, strong language. End ID.]

Ok, first things first, why don’t we call it Bad Start Theater. Despite being steam deck verified, it does not work on the deck. Native and proton didn’t launch, and forced “Steam Linux Runtime” worked, but would freeze every few minutes, forcing me to force close the game - a problem that has been mentioned before.

My stubborn insistence of playing it in bed ended with me finding a way that kinda worked: in desktop mode, native, windowed, with steam overlay and steam input turned off. Not sure if all of those are needed, but the game’s short, so like hell will I fiddle with it before I am done. It allowed me to play for like an hour without freezing, but the problem is on desktop mode it still uses my desktop configuration for steam input (: Which also means for example the right button to skip text is also a mouse click, which *rips out hair* anyway.

[ID: A grayscale stage, showing two simple humanoid figures. One lies on the ground, the other, sporting horns and a spiked tail, has their arms raised. A textbox reads: You try to make friends with the demon doll, but it kills you in cold blood! How ruthless! End ID.]

The game’s premise is rather simple. You play four different characters - a hero, a maid, an underling and an overlord - to get as many bad endings as possible. During your runs, you unlock behavior you can set for consecutive runs, where you play another character. Playing the underling will give you the choice to eat the maiden - and from then on, you can set the underling to hungry or not hungry, to decide if she gets eaten even if you’re not playing the underling.

[ID: Monochrome blue pixel art of the maiden, a girl with black hair covered by a kerchief with a flower tucked under it, is kneeling in a church, praying. A textbox reads: You are in church. You pray to your god, asking why you have been born into this role of maiden. End ID.]

The art of this game is gorgeous. Mostly monochrome pixel art, a different color for each character’s story. There’s a free art book as DLC, and oh my god, do I love it. The writing is funny as well, for something so sad. Still hoping to find the good end - there has to be one, yes yes?

[ID: Monochrome cyan pixel art of the underling, a short figure with pale hair covering their eyes and horns peeking out of it, talking to the maiden. A textbox reads: You speak the same language of course, which has always confused you, because why is there conveniently only one language in the world? The text is written in the alternative font mentioned below. End ID.]

There is an option for a less pixely font that’s easier to read, as well as self voicing. I only tried self voicing quickly (and not on the deck), and found it a bit lacking. “You are”, and it doesn’t read what you have selected before you press it. Trying to find the exit button was an exercise in arrow arrow arrow arrow arrow arrow arrow arrow arrow. Some text is in all caps, so “kill it” makes it sound like I do have a problem with my computer by spelling out the letters I and T. And, of course, the images are not described in any way.

The game itself is rather short. Probably 2-3 hours, if you skip repeating text and use the built in graph to get an idea of what you’re missing. I found controller support lacking, but that might be because of the steam deck, I don’t know. I needed to mouse hover over the graph to see the descriptions (it’s useless without), and I had to close and reopen the menu after every click trying to get the text speed to max. Also, there’s no cloud saves, so I couldn’t even finish this run on desktop.

Mostly, it’s an incredibly adorable and fun little game. Numerous technical issues and the short play time make me recommend it only on sale, though.

[ofthenoseclan]

advice for someone who really likes the look of touhou but sucks at the games. what other touhou media is worth consuming beyond the main bullet hell games which are Very Not enjoyable for me personally

ty for askin!!

im not too well versed in fan content, so i cant help with getting into that side of things. but for official material theres a lot of stuff you could try!

my personal favourite part of the series are the concept records, zun's music collection, which are albums containing new compositions and rearranged music from some of the games, synced up to liner notes that describe a story completely separate from the games' plot, so theyre very beginner friendly! the first volume is a murder mystery reminiscent of agatha christie's and then there were none, while the rest all tell an ongoing plot about two chuunibyou girlfriends musing on living life in a near-future earth suffering the impacts of late stage capitalism. these albums are on streaming services like spotify and apple music, and you can find english translations of the liner notes by clicking on any of the albums in the linked list, then scrolling down until you find the link labeled "main article: story".

the second suggestion would be: use cheats! if you know your way around computers enough to use the touhou community-reliant automatic patcher (which is extremely simple and user-friendly), the tool most commonly used to install the english translations of the games, you can find an option in the list of patches it offers to give you invincibility, skip the game segments, etc., basically making the games into a movie if you're interested in the story and not the gameplay! if you need a more detailed step-by-step on which patches to use for that, i can expand on it further. and if you still have trouble figuring out how to get those working properly, theres an alternate solution - the site linked above also hosts the text transcript that gets placed into the game using the patcher. go here, click on any game you'd like, and you'll find all the dialogue within the game, along with links to various languages it's translated into. it's not ideal, since you don't have the context of what each character looks like or what's happening visually, but its a good alternative.

third is the spinoff books. some of these are great, and writing-wise can be some of the best parts of the franchise. the easiest ones to recommend out of these to someone just starting the franchise would be one of the manga series, but well... those are... not fantastic. not bad, but not the best the franchise has to offer. in contrast, some of the light novels or data books are huge favourites of mine, but they do rely a lot on you knowing the cast and certain events of the games prior to it, so theyre not perfect starts either. so id say one of the first two suggestions i went into above would be a better choice. if youd rather try these first, i can go into which ones id suggest for a newcomer, but again, this is probably not a good intro to the series proper.

hope these help as starting points! im aware touhou is a hard barrier of entry to people who arent fans of shmups, but its rewarding if you can put in the effort for it!! once it hooks you youre in for good

[mr---cringe]

19, 21, 26

19 - fact about personality

(These are more like stuff which affected it)

An unexpected one: I attended an orthodox primary school, and they gendered everything in there. And they made sure we believed in god and were religious. So since I had 'F' in my ID, according to their beliefs, I was supposed to become a "true woman". And they taught us multiple things which in fact were really useful and fun and I wish they just gave all the children an opportunity to participate in these activities. Such as sewing, stitching, crocheting, cooking, making plushies, weaving, felting, painting, doing pottery and others. Crafts teacher gathered me and my classmates, we were creating something cool together and talked a lot. I haven't bought a single beanie or a scarf in my life and if I want for some reason I can craft almost everything I need. I can even make a knife out of an old plate, a piece of antler and a stripe of leather

A strange one: I'm left-handed and as a child I used to mirror all the symbols when writing. I guess that's the reason I can read and write backwards easily

A sad one: my bio father was a gangster, and when cops started seeking for him, he just vanished into thin air. my mom had to live with her best friend (whose husband was a gangster too, but he was caught) and stay with me and the friend's son, when her friend worked to provide such an improvised same-sex family with everything. They did it because cops were extremely rough to us, since they couldn't find my bio dad. They believed my mom knew where he was, but she didn't. That time I was clueless about all the stuff, I was glad my friend lived with me, and we could play together all day long. I believed he became my brother

21 - What I love most about myself:

In terms of my appearance: I love how white and Asian genes combined in me to create my eyes, which are blue but don't have a white-like shape. And my voice. It's pretty low, even though I haven't started T yet

In terms of my temper: I'm able to find a good solution in extreme situations quickly enough

In terms of my skills: my drawings are pretty, I speak 3 foreign languages and I cook well

26. My biggest pet peeves:

- I'd rather walk outside when it's -40° Celsius rather than when it's something like +27°. Hot summers suck

- Pictures of me taken by someone else. Like I know my smile's ugly and I have huge hips, don't remind me about it

- Every damn thing in the world's created for right-handed people. Scissors and other tools have left-handed-friendly alternatives, which are absolutely useless, because you learn using regular ones since young age, and you adapt to it. But the barriers in the subway... they're always right-handed. Like they have coin insertion slot and the spot where you're supposed to press a card located at the right side. And if I forget to take my card consciously with my right hand to open the barrier, I automatically open another one when trying to enter the closed one. At such moments everyone looks at me like I'm a cave person.

[fxirybun]

thats what I think and then I was thinking about dreams too and how they just dont make no fucking sense? sometimes it feels like dreams have meanings but its always load of nonsense so i do think dreamworld is one of those alternate states of reality rather than it being something we dont see nor feel or we only "dream" it yh right i believe its a whole nother state of reality what we do in this one maybe reflects what we "dream" about except its another us if that makes sense? this is so interesting. if anything doesnt feel real its time. yaknow if theres aliens just beam me tf back into the 90s i want my long weekends back 😭 i swear time is short asf these days cause my parents went camping two days ago i was cat sitting our cat and it was like no time had went by before they got back.

this is why i demand to know wth is going on and ppl r getting weirder and weirder too like half the stuff u see online isnt real or its not how ppl should be and all anyone care abt nowadays is going viral. i mean i watched a compilation of tiktokers stories and actually i quite liked their stories or experiences of alternate realities or quantum jumping which leads me to think there is more to reality but at the same time i have not experienced such a thing myself so i think they just so happened to experience it like :/ maybe in another version of me i have a sibling or two id like that very much tbh. how about u?

true omg there would also be instances wherein i would experience lucid dreams and how i'm "aware" that it's a dream yet i can get to perform something else 😭🥹 i would mostly run real fast or try to fly away because i either get chased by some serial killer or being sucked by a black hole on outer space 💀 a traumatizing experience. some dreams do have their meanings , especially when it's a reoccurring one.

i would perceive dreams as tapping into your subconscious mind. it also reflects the things we did outside and how it would show us an alternative path , think of it as an otome game to better explain it lmao 😆 i had an interaction with someone that didn't end well irl yet when i went into my dream state i would accidentally shift myself and it showed me a different route wherein i'm in good terms with this person. kinda wish i could go back cuz it felt so good and all 😔✊

it's prolly due to anonymity cuz people can hide their identities online and get away from something they're going to spill or post that would either be seen as "controversial" for others unless you're an influencer with your real name as your online persona which is kinda risky. i mean hello ?? digital footprint ? well some are chronolically online these days hence others are getting peculiar.

it takes time to get there so you shouldn't give up or lose hope yet ! try to lessen your doubt of not being able to achieve it 'cause nothing is impossible unless you do it (sounds so corny but it's the truth here TT)

i find it so similar to what happened to me before because i used to not believe in spirits or entities. it's like a battle between the mind and the heart and how i tend to be a bit rational not until i decided to become more "open" and try to start believing in everything... that's how i ended up finding myself to be in contact with these energies (⸝⸝o̴̶̷᷄‸o̴̶̷̥᷅⸝⸝)

[volfoss]

like... to get an idea of what all id need to do. for anyone curious ig and also to just... totally beat the allegations of yucky little beast:

survey the damage... bc shes obviously in VERY bad shape. so id need to see if i could even get her eyes out or if id maybe. need to dremel into them to get them free so i could start on faceup removal

get the eyes out. this is very scary bc of the hot glue and also the mysterious gray substance. if it IS apoxie sculpt like i think it is then good god. thats going to be the worst 7 bucks ive ever spent or smth

clean the head. im really hoping that its dirt and not.. the alternative on the forehead and other parts of the face. if it IS some mold or fungus, ive got pony experience here (as in. i have dealt with that a few times on MLP) so I'm not... too worried? My guess is its surface level grime that should go away w the faceup being removed.

attempt to remove the faceup. the paint rly looks like it goes ALL the way around her head (poor thang) so ill probably test with acetone at the back of her head. for whatever reason i feel very much like her head has to be fragile so id rather test the more strong/easy to use chemical in a lesser seen spot. i really do not want to be scrubbing with rubbing alcohol for 5 years. bc the faceup looks like at LEAST a few layers of paint with a bad sealant so (as someone whos removed two full body resin paint jobs) i know acetone would be quickest (but alcohol is safest. but we will see)

assess the damage AGAIN. i predict that she is severely yellowed (due to the cracks on the cheek) but the question of if it is either just. in those spots where the faceup cracked or if its all over is really unsure. i mainly want to get her to try retrobrighting (which ive done on older MLP with great success and it seems to be something that works for this kind of vinyl as well) on her and just. fix up a doll that is beyond repair for most people lol. from what ive experienced with resin, i think the yellowing could either be all over (and the head was painted to try and hide this. although this clearly did not go well lol, altho i think its a sealant issue and not a paint issue, as it kind of looks like when ive fucked up with MSC (a common sealant for bjds)) or it could be just... shes been in sunlight and where the paint cracked got unevenly yellowed (i experienced this most recently with my big blue boy, where all the blue paint kind of. protected his resin and the non covered parts got more yellow). so its kind of a toss up. or a mysterious third thing you never know.

once shes all clean (which i assume will take a while due to well... how bad of shape that she is in), ill probably sit with it for a few days and then get milliput and sculpt a new nose. this will not be fun for me i think because I just... am not a sculpting fan (funny thing when this project WILL have a lot of sculpting) and much prefer sanding. I'm not too mad about the chin being sanded down (as the original had an INSANELY pointed chin which I really didn't like. I hate sanding vinyl so this works for me) or the eyes being opened (other than.. having to figure out the size on my own and pray for the best). Most of the mods are not... bad to me and are partially why I'm drawn to miss yucky bc like... the diseases but also the fact that the mods do mostly make the head cuter for me

Redo the faceup. I would love to keep the elements of the original with the big eyelashes as I find them cute, but the BIGGEST order of business is eyebrows good god. I'll have to paint over the mod that I did but I'm not super worried about it (maybe falsely I've never painted a vinyl head in full bc I have exactly one vinyl doll) and then hope i can get the head right on the first try. depending on how bad the yellowing is (and if im able to retrobright her to a lighter skin tone, as the body i have is pretty light (altho it doesnt match any skins from this company so. its a whole thing its ok)) i might just paint the whole head (or even come up with a story or reason why its mismatched. I have a lot of heads and bodies like that so I don't mind fully lol). It's just kind of a scary tossup on how bad of shape everything is.

Done <3 i really dont think itll be TOO bad but i also like... think i wont know fully until i get my hands on her if i do. She would be pretty tiny too (as in 45 cm or so, or for the americans, 1.5 ft) but I do love that scale of doll so. it could work.

[thirstymercury]

I dont write anymore. I thought this, thought why?, and then immediately wrote my answer as if it was waiting in the wings. feel like im monologing into a reel recorder~memorializing~

my mom said her favorite color is orange i remember where i was in the kitchen of the new jersey house so 70s it makes me whirl with sudden recognition of my place in the unfurling ribbon, false time, fake decades, significant by colors, what IS and is NOT okay, women. i wonder if she and i were in the kitchen after dinner today and i was once again lost in the spider vein on the back of her thigh, If i asked her again- what would she say? would her opinion still feel like it was conceived on the spot? i imagine her shuffling a crayon box in her mind trying to inhabit the right to care, trying to reckon with the fact that someone else would care. i cared enough to keep it in my head forever filed with the other Very Important Facts, like "righty tighty lefty loosy" and to coun the seconds between lighting and thunder. I feel with some certainty that i will be my grandmother lost on the way back from the bathroom but it seems impossible that i would ever lose my mom choosing orange. privately i tried to cope with the dissonance of an orange woman who owned nothing of the sort but the previous owner's shag carpeting sewn into the floor. but she liked the orange starburst best. she liked the orange slice candy-enough that she would buy small clear plastic containers of them from the grocery store and keep them up on the higher shelf of the pantry with the things like salt, baking powder, flour-the things only she would use. something for herself! these are the things i wont forget. i think even before i knew WHY it mattered, i knew that finding any trace of my mother in my house jumped out like the rarest treasure-baffling every time, orange slice candy holding this sort of ancient feminine mystique up there next to the food coloring drops we'd used twice a year- crescent crystal crusted goo here is the soul of a woman i knew i wanted to but couldn't know. she is somewhere behind the role. she is kept in clear plastic.

there is one song my mom ever said she liked (adele's rolling in the deep! a good choice!) i was in the car of the van years later. i had given up on asking. but she offered! music! i couldn't hold the all of her in my mind. i couldn't make it make sense. my mom who used to drive us home from practice in silence because 'she needed it' i was too young and too heartless to understand and so i judged her mercilessly . i should have realized this was as much a moment of HER as the orange candy. she chooses silence. all meaning aside- there she was. but id roll my eyes rather than see her too teen too resentful at this point and later id insult her to my friends 'she has no soul, she doesn't even like music!'. i didnt know it was okay to grieve a missing woman replaced by a perfect mother. i still don't know HOW maybe. me and my grief are kept in heirloom plastic container, still some sticky orange sugar crystals crusted in the corners. me and my grief live alone now and i don't need silence but I forget there is an alternative. sometimes for weeks

at dinner, in the NJ house mostly, when he was almost as child as i am now, my dad would tell stories of his life. the highlights practiced anecdotes a cadence of something repeated, with character voices, heroes villians. i still know the names of the children on my dads street when he grew up, what grew in the garden, his favorite albums in college. i can conjur the imagery like he was the protagonist in a book ive read a couple times over. my dad spills off the dinner table. is all his life at once printed along the time ribbon.

if you asked her any question, tried to know her before we were born- she had a look on her face like someone caught daydreaming in class no idea of the page number. she said she didnt remember. anything??? college would have been only ten years before or less. i still don't know how to cope with what that means if it were true. with what it means that my father didnt even try to help fill in the blanks. he knew her then too. what happened? where did she come from? where did she go? old enough at five to smell the sadness. id lay awake and senseless truths would come crushing in from all angles. in the dark down was up and ‘original sin' and 'infinity’ and the missing girl on the milk carton of my mother -earth,air and sky-seeing a wrongness so ingrained the adults are walking right through it without a wince as if it’s not there at all! feeling the cliff edge of mind where something dangles and dances never can be truly grasped. I tried to tell them "my bed feels like it is tipping". hoping this would be a layup-“snow is frozen, the e is silent, here is how to hold a pencil and here is how to hold the existential weight here is why you can stop asking” No. but you will grow into the gravity. You will forget where the cliff is entirely or grow tired on the way, maybe you will put up a fence. You will walk right through the solid wrongness and feel nothing at all. you may grow to find yourself sorted with the baking ingredients. the things that shine seasonally. you’ll be up on the high shelf wrapped in plastic having no idea how it came to be.

[struggling-to-be-healthy]

I'm gonna give you a different kind of accountability. FWIW I'm not a fan of diets or WW for me but whatever works for you, as long as you don't get mentally/emotionally sick, is totally valid.

I don't think you're asking "why am I gaining" because you don't know. You know what you are doing. You aren't dumb- you know full well what you are eating and how you are moving and how that impacts your health and weight. I think instead you are asking why are you still eating and moving in a way you know doesn't work best for you, and that probably has a complex answer!

Willpower isn't really a thing- like, you don't have it or not. Willpower is more about our overall energy (not just physical, but emotional and mental as well). The more decisions you have to make, the harder it is to make "good" ones. Most people don't have a lot of willpower- it's not willpower that keeps them making "good" choices but rather development of habits so the "good" choices are made without much if any actual thought or effort. I'm somebody who legitimately doesn't develop habits easily (meaning, any "habit" I have is likely a habit of not-doing; I can't even brush my teeth habitually). Every decision I make is effortful. It's a real thing that some people really do not develop habits, and this isn't to excuse you or to say not to try, but it's something to think about as you think about how to talk to yourself too. There is a huge difference in how I feel when I say stuff like "I'm not making good choices unlike all these other people who seem to do so much better in similar situations" versus "I am stressed and not making the best choices I know how. Other people who make better choices tend to form habits better than I do. It is harder for me, and that means sometimes I'll do worse than them, and I deserve to give myself some grace." When I'm more down on myself, I tend to make even more not-so-good choices because I'm more drained from being so negative/not kind.

I also want to just remind you that there are diseases and illnesses out there that can cause weight gain. I'm not suggesting you have any, but its a reminder that weight loss occurs when calories in < calories out, and while both are highly variable and we can't determine them perfectly with any formula, if you seem to be not losing weight or gaining weight when you are controlling calories in, that may mean there's an issue with the calories out portion related to illness, like hypothyroidism, and that may be a reason to go speak to a (weight-inclusive if possible) doctor. (Also, stress -> cortisol -> messed up sleep and hunger signaling and even changes in metabolism and muscle mass)

Idk if any of this is helpful for you, but shame and guilt, though they can be powerful, can also have counter effects and don't usually lead to long-term positive change- it tells us what not to do, but not what to do instead. We usually need empathy and understanding to ID why we made the not-so-great choices, and then we can find alternatives to meet the same needs. I hope you can forgive yourself and move on and find a better way of handling any kind of stress in your life.

Thank you for this! I'm currently pretty exhausted and don't have the energy to do a full reply, but what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I think WW appeals to me because it is suppose to be a life time change, not just some fad diet. I don't know. I've had good experiences with it I just always fall off track and gain everything back. I thought about giving Noom a try, but I don't know.

I have my blood work checked at least a few times a year and it has never shown anything was wrong. I do take anxiety medication and birth control that may cause weight gain, but I really need both of those things.

I usually find a way to forgive myself. Sometimes it just takes awhile.