#so i will try my best to cope other ways
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#just an anxious mess rambling#mentally i am unwell#bad coping mechanisms#i feel like crap#drinking away the pain#it was either alcohol or sh again#i went for the less destructive one#depression memes#sh meme#bad coping mechanism meme#memes are how i cope#i wish to self-destruct#self-destructive memes#that therapy appointment feels so far away#my life is falling apart#if i attempt again the ambulance wont get here on time#so i will try my best to cope other ways#alcohol numbs everything for a bit#i cant even fucking make myself dinner without being in agony#it hurts just to exist#it's like a constant reminder sign that i shouldn't be alive#if i drink enough i wont remember to be depressed and I'll actually manage to sleep for more than an hour#sami talks too much
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hello !!! i'm ...
➟ sugar !! i also go by charlie , echo , scott , timmy -- call me whatever's more comfortable for u !!
➟ i'm genderfluid, asexual and biromantic + greyromantic !!
➟ my CURRENT hyperfixations are on NINJAGO and the TRAFFIC LIFE SERIES !! if you're seeing THIS pinned introduction, TRAFFIC LIFE SERIES is currently the MAIN brainrot !
➟ i am a 🚸 MINOR ⚠️ !! please interact with this in mind !!!
➟ i have GAD [ generalized anxiety disorder ] , separation anxiety disorder , social anxiety disorder , selective mutism , depression , DPD [dependent personality disorder] , ARFID [ avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder ] , and involuntary age regression ! though these topics probably won't be discussed at length , please keep them in mind when interacting with me !! at times i may go NON-VERBAL or slip into LITTESPACE , and i ask you be patient with me at those times, thank you !
➟ this is a FANDOM SIDEBLOG - my main blog is @sugrx !! here is where i post FANFICTION, FANART, ANALYSISES , AUS, USERBOXES,,, etc !!
➟ basic ! queerphobes, xenophobes, misognists, sexists, ableists, racists, terfs, maps, pedos, fatphobes, etc - any and all bigots of ANY shape or form !! ➟ nsfw / fetish / kink blogs !! again , i am a MINOR , and though i'm fine with having mutuals who ARE 18+ , i'd rather avoid 18+ content , thank you !!
#tag system is simple ! ;;#writing is in →#my writing#and art is in →#my art#!!#most of my fandom-related content falls into either of those categories . i try to keep my system so it's not too difficult to navigate!#i also have a tendency to ramble - i put // in order to differentiate between tag rambles and actual tags#for example!#//#pinned introduction#trafficblr#hermitblr#mcytblr#life series#blog intro#///#ta-daa !#though usually actual tags come first and ramble tags are at the bottom for algorithum purposes !#anyway. i decided to make two SEPERATE intro posts because i couldn't decide on which theme to go w/ for it and couldn't find a way to -#combine them in a way which didn't clash LOL#this is also my first time talking abt copinglink on tumblr !! thought this be the best place to put this since my linktypes r fictional#i'm hoping it will help me deal with my anxiety better and stop w/ other actual bad coping habits !!#i don’t know TOO much abt the alter human community so pls lmk if I’m not allowed to kin this way / coping link is problematic ;; /gen#i did some research and couldn't find anything saying it was offensive / controversial and i just think it would be a healthy-#-way to gain confidence and adapt to healthy coping ! but pls lmk if this is discomfiting / upsetting to anyone and i'll stop !#or at least not mention it publicly . i mostly only copinglink around close mutuals / friends anyway -#- and tend to consider myself an ' au ' / separate from distinctly canon so don't mind referring to them as separate entites at all#if that makes ppl more comfortable !!
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yknow sometimes the way trans women talk about testosterone and being on estrogen is indistinguishable from the way terfs try to convince afab people not to start hrt
this is not a criticism mind you, their experiences are their own and completely legitimate, it's just a matter of competing needs - they need a safe space to talk about their dysphoria and how testosterone makes them feel and i need to not hear about how i am destroying my body with hrt
ordinarily these things are pretty insular to transfem circles but since instagram has been feeding me transfem content i'm seeing it more and more and yet again the algorithm is fucking me
#ransomrambles#like a friend of mine in absolute genuineness told me how my skin was gonna stop being soft and my hair was gonna thin out#and she obviously wasn't trying to dissuade me from hrt .... but like ..... thanks for leading with that mate#with estrogen it's the - no downsides- people often say there aren't many downsides to taking e - save some erectile dysfunction#but when it's the other way it's - make sure you're really sure cause you're permanently ruining your body forever#like i get that - my skin feels so soft now - is an estrogen experience ..... but the reverse framing is not helping anyone here#that's just all you hear about testosterone hrt - a list of downsides you'll have to cope with#idk this isn't a fully constructed thought#like i said trans girls deserve the space to have that conversation#i just need to not be in that space cause it obviously hits me differently#but man the sheer volume of trans girls talking about the /damage/ t has done to them .... in dis tinguishable#the aside to this is also a lot of girls being like i realized i was a girl cause of xyzq#and the list is the same as the one my mother used to be like - see you must be a girl#so it's just tough#competing access needs are hard to manage#and that's why life is best on the curate your own experience webbed site
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What it's like being a narcissist in a group chat with other narcissists
#npd#narcissist#for people without npd who wouldn't get this and think it's just needlessly judgy: it's not#connecting with other people with cluster b disorders is great. it can feel like home to have other people that actually understand#however. narcissists interacting can be like holding up a mirror and it can be VERY annoying#and not even like. in a bad way. npd servers force you to learn to deal with that shit in a healthy way#pissed off because someone else is seeking attention and youre the only one who deserves praise?#well if you be rude to them because of it people aren't going to return the favour for you when you start wanting praise#narcissists love having traits that they hate to see in anyone else. and being around other narcissists helps force people to cope w that#so like. i love pwnpd. sometimes i see a post by someone with it and am like wow....just like me#other times im like 'wow thats extremely toxic/dumb/immature/attention seeking. im so much better than you' even if its also something i do#or if its something similar to what i do but not exact#im trying to explain it the best i can without rambling forever in the tags but basically: this is not hostility#this is simply a hilarious ‚ ironic consequence of having npd#and i post this with so much love in my heart#as a narcissist i think narcissists are a bit too full of themselves and i know they feel the same way about me <3 mutual respect
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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sometimes I forget that it is in fact not normal to have sudden social anxiety spikes after only two days spent inside, away from other people.
(the kind that make it near impossible to even just step in front of the door and walk downstairs to check the letterbox, much less leave for long enough to get groceries)
rest of a long thing under the cut bc I don't want to bother anybody with my introspection. but I wanted it to be there in case someone else struggles with this. idk. helps to not feel entirely alone in dealing with this shit
and paid time off is a curse sometimes, because it leads to weeks not going outside, which then starts the entire cycle I've been working on disrupting all over again. and I know that the only solution is actually going outside even if it's just for a bit, but fuck if it isn't the hardest thing in the world sometimes.
and it's so at odds with how people know me, generally, folks at work, friends for the most part, because I've gotten real good at pushing through and just doing the things that my body tells me are dangerous, but then I stay at home for three days and I just.. fall apart.
it's not as bad as it used to be, I'm better at at least taking out the trash if I need to, and if I can work myself up to it even ordering food instead of going without meals if things get too bad, but it takes so much energy to do any of those small, everyday things that I should just be able to do. idk
I never really went to therapy for it even if it's the mental-illness shit I've dealt with for the longest time. they diagnosed me when I was 14 and by then I had probably 14 years of ingrained, bad habits built up. and they recommended group therapy which in retrospect probably could have helped a lot, but to me (teen bullied by other teens who felt unsafe around pretty much anyone, even at home) it sounded like hell so I refused to go.
I can still remember my mum telling me that I would instead have to work on dealing with it myself, finding strategies to live with it, I guess. we would play silly games like labyrinth before I'd have to go to school, but I'd just cry through it all and then oftentimes circle back home when I knew everyone would be out. suffice to say I did find ways to push myself to do the things that felt like walking into fire, and it worked enough to a point where it just felt like holding my hand over a candle flame for a little too long. bearable if painful. and I guess I'm still stuck there.
trauma therapy helped me process some things and put others in perspective, enough to at least move on (never forgive or forget though, that I'll leave to the people with bigger hearts) and we worked through some of the hangups, but overall not much has changed nor do I think it would given more time and therapy.
like my grandmother I struggle to make myself do things that I know I should sometimes. (and the Innerer Schweinehund is too strong) at least if I don't technically need to do those things to survive. instead I'll eat plain rice for weeks on end. or candy from two years ago, or drink coffee and eat nothing for a week. which, I know, is disordered eating which in and of itself would probably benefit from more therapy, but I guess as long as my body can deal with it it's good enough as is.
#about this gal#social anxiety#is it any surprise that I relate to Peri and even Imogen so much. prob not. in some ways even Beta I guess#look. I know I need to get better again and figure this out but rn it's hard enough to just get through regular daily life#and I know it'll get better as soon as I'm back at work and talking to people every day#I made so much progress in being okay about being around groups of new people I don't know#uni certainly helped with that. as did our group therapy. and most people think I'm outgoing and happy to connect#which. I am. there's just also this whole underside of the iceberg that is me that is just a complete mess trying to cope#anyway. I made it out today because I had money back in my account and I had to get the other half of the 200#(that I'll need to pay for the anesthesiologist next week)#and I even made it into the bakery to pick up something to eat. and it always feels surreal so it did today#the talking and other people being there and just.. takes a while for things outside to feel real again#but I did it and I'm glad I did. it's not my best but it's better than nothing
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being chosen as the dedicated sadist because you're actually a masochist and know the best techniques
#best being a synonym for safest#once devised a whole infosite called Safe Harm™#i never implemented it though because my job sucked out all of my creative energy and i didn't finish it#it's a pun on self-harm; the idea was to provide methods of inducing pain but in moderate‚ healthy ways as a form of therapy#like exercise. exercise hurts.#spicy peppers are just capsaicin oils binding to specific “taste bud” receptors to signal heat pain;#they don't directly cause ulcers like once believed and even has some minor plausibility in promoting the body's ability to heal#things like that#i don't personally self harm for emotional relief or self therapy. and i don't want to be in pain all the time.#just as a disclaimer.#i don't judge or look down on the cutters or punchers or scratchers or immolators; I love you and genuinely want to help#but i don't participate in methods that cause or could potentially cause permanent injury#but there are moments/periods where the desire is there and present and exciting.#And sometimes it's not an appropriate moment and there's no struggle to resist;#and usually that resistance has the urge go away for another 2 or so months with zero mental or emotional regret or other negative impact.#for me‚ in those moments‚ pain is fun. and it doesn't matter if it's real or simulated. it's just gotta be safe.#also i didn't finish the safe harm site also because I was not trying to glamorize self-harm.#i was trying to destigmatize it and give safe alternatives#but#it was mostly taken as glamorizing and romanticizing unsafe coping mechanisms#so I opted to just not continue it if my creative determination returned#op
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Really feeling that experience of being an autistic person in an environment that's terrible for me where I'm basically trying to figure out really hard how to not be an emotionally unstable wreck all the time who throws "childish tantrums" over "dumb shit" because I hate feeling like my family always expects me to just snap whenever anything happens and whether or not I do just depends on how much Repression Juice I've got left in the tank or how Unshitty the circumstances have been for the last week or even few days
#I am literally doing the best that I can for myself but there's a lot of stuff that I communicate actively to other people in this household#that never gets better or that just gets scoffed at and my environment is horrific because we're very poor and everyone in this house is#disabled and my workplace environment fucking sucks and I spent 15 years of my life basically being completely unaware of just how high my#supports needs actually are and so I'm also trying to mentally juggle and figure that shit out so I can at least make an attempt to take#care of myself the way I need to but when so many things are basically looking at you trying to cope and laughing in your face and then#punting you down from the mountain you're climbing with a bat and basically saying 'how cute and stupid of you to think you could possibly#make progress or take care of yourself? don't you understand your circumstances dipshit?'#IT'S KIND OF PAINFULLY DIFFICULT HAHA.#I basically deal with this by holing myself up all the time just trying to keep my bullshit away from people#I'm very sick of it#Like even when I try to have a conversation when I'm getting really upset or angry about something#one person in this house is impossible to talk to at all because she's argumentative as hell about literally everything and anything#including stuff you didn't even say. Like I have no idea what she's even saying to me half the time and she almost never listens#the other one is my aunt who is so emotionally repressed she can't even have a conversation with a whiff of vulnerability in it#and then my mother just shuts down and ignores me ! Which Makes It Worse!
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Wow there sure are a lot of posts about [specific trigger I have] lately. I've unfollowed some people over it. Some have posted opinions I disagree with very strongly; some have posted opinions I do agree with. Either way it bothers me too much to see it. I don't want [specific trigger] mixed in with my Cat Photos And Memes App.
So if I've randomly unfollowed you recently, that is probably why.
#sorenhoots#i cant even make a dni about it because i cant say it or type it because its too big of a trigger.#“you cant hide from things you dont like” is an irrelevant argument. ive been trying to cope with this for 20 years and i do not benefit#from Surprise Random Exposures. it stresses out my brain so badly. also i do hide from this thing IRL as much as i can. “if you dont get#exposed to it youll never get over the trigger“ thank you very much for your concern but my mom brings it up to me multiple time a week and#it gives me nightmares that make me scream myself awake and then procede to have horrible mental health for hours or days so. i dont want#anyone to think im being weak! it takes self-introspection and bravery to remove bad things from my environment. im taking care of myself in#the way that works best for me. i know that nice people wont be mad at me for that but...i guess my brain is just worried about other people#mocking me for it so i am pre-arguing against it. which doesnt do any good but. idk. anyways. send post.
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(dont read the tags actually)
#vent#god this year has been so fucking hard man#and things have been so strained with my friend#and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they?#cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything#and acting really weird#and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore#they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow#like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well#until the last like year#and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore#and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just.#not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger#and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired.#i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way.#and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough#im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore#they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling#meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything#im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again.#they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore#but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling#but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time#ugh idk#dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk.#i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it#probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway#moon
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i think I just need to stop clinging to and getting so attached to people
#whimsy whispers#because then things fall apart and so do I#it’s also just like suffocating and annoying of me to do to people I’ve realized#like I just tend to get too attached to people and when things get bad and I can’t fix them I don’t know what to do or how to cope#especially when it feels like no one else is being affected the same way I am so it feels like it’s just a me problem#anyways guess who finally talked to their irl about how they’d been feeling for the past few months#I don’t expect for things to improve based on just doing this and idk if things will be like they use to be but this is the only friendship#that I feel like I can like idk salvage at this point#I don’t think they’ll go back to being the most important person in the world to me or my very best friend but maybe that’s for the best#it just hurts not having someone like that in my life anymore because I did genuinely love them so much but like idk I already knew they’d#never love me as much as i did like they have actual loved ones who it makes more sense to cherish more which is like obvs fine I just like#idk i feel like I generally stopped being important in general to them and that’s what hurt most#as for the other friendships I’m uncertain about there’s nothing I can do there#I talk to like very few people now and have been trying to like allow new people to try and get close to me as scary as that is#I am afraid I’ll just fuck up those relationships too tbh because everything is a cycle with me#idk I just feel stupid and helpless and like there’s nothing I can do and maybe i just need to accept that there isn’t anything I can do to#fix my mistakes like I can’t undo anything and I can’t fix them and like I just hope I’ll accept that eventually#and again I need to just learn to stop getting so attached to people it’s just abdjfktk hard for me not to but each time I hurt others or#others hurt me it makes it harder for me to want to let anyone else get closer and eventually I’m going to be all alone if this keeps up#anyways tnats tofays vent/fun little realization that I need to force myself to accept
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All I can do until we see what happens with this election is hope, distract myself, and try to get others to vote, because if I think too hard about it my anxiety and depression gets worse and the voice in the back of my head that tells me to hurt myself and go hide in the woods or something gets louder
#emma posts#I guess I could also try to make offerings as a way to cope#depression#anxiety#the voice in the back of my head that tells me to kill myself keeps getting more chatty#I don’t think I’d go that far though#my desire to do anything keeps getting weaker#I’m scared#I can only do this and think ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we had something else crazy in fandom on the 5th?’#I have a therapy appointment for the first time in months scheduled for Friday#when i scheduled it it was coincidental timing but this might be a good thing#I am also thinking about changing therapists if my long time one feels dismissive of my concerns#I think ‘maybe I should have paid a visit to my family this week actually’ and then I remember that one brother moved back in with#my parents again and I’m like ‘actually maybe it’s best if I keep some distance for a bit. I can still text my parents about stuff’#i don’t want to be scared of that brother and I don’t think he’d ever hit me or anything. but it’s hard to be around him sometimes#he just gets so angry and he won’t get treatment like the rest of us do#he even called my other brother a slur and said ‘he was being sensitive about it’ and I was torn between staying hidden and throwing hands#but he’s way bigger than me and that would have just exilated things#he yells so loud and slams doors and says things that hurt and scare me and I just want to hide away. it’s not good#he refuses treatment for his issues and insults the rest of us for getting it for various issues of our own and he falls for so much#propaganda shit that’s supposed to draw third party people into that conservative fascist bigotry shit#the rest of the family can have totally chill conversations with each other even about politics but he just lashes out and I freeze up like#a scared rabbit. it’s different when it’s brought into one of the places you feel safest#and it’s somehow even harder when it’s your little brother and not your weird uncle#my parents are democrats who are more left than the actual party and my other brother isn’t really into politics#my parents kinda encouraged us to develop our own opinions though and it’s lead to me being really far left and my other brother#being in a really weird position where he thinks he’s some outsider but keeps falling for republican stuff#I know I would get angry for some similar psychological reasons when I was younger before treatment and maturity. but I was 13!#he’s a tall athletic man in his mid twenties! it’s a bit different!#I can see what lead him there. but he’s just been worse about it and it’s scary
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Update: I’m watching multiple video essays and the movie over again to make these
The urge to give ghosts in the Infinite Realms Beetlejuice logic
#I’m scientifically bad at figuring out metaphors and shit of the sort so I look at other folks amalyzation to recognize the intricacies of-#the media. I mean I’m decent at it with the IQ level ratio (this was to find out if I had additional disorders it’s somewhat real the tests-#took 6-7 total hours to do. but with the IQ test stuff#IQ is mental age/ chronological age x100#my memory score was like 52 i.e. VERY VERY VERY VERY BAD and so rewatching it and taking notes will help#I’m so delirious bc I can’t sleep rn but insomnia is keeping me awake that fuck it im gonna mini rant#I reread comics so so so many times to try to make my writing somewhat accurate.#when I do the jokes of ‘im my own beta reader bc to me ive never see that shit before’ is 100% accurate#nearly all of my past prompts I have no recollection of making them. that’s my biggest fear with asks. genuinely subconsciously not knowing-#that I near coped a prompt based off an idea someone sent in but I genuinely have no memory of said thing.#I do my best to remember but I simply can’t. long term memory works but if you ask me nearly anything about stuff besides core memorie#I simply can’t help ya. the minds blank. adhd symptoms wahoo#bones writes in the tags#also very much so tipsy bc sometimes it helps insomnia and I have it infrequently enough that I don’t feel the need to ask my doctor for a#sleep aid prescription. it’s like once a month im fine#are nightcaps the most healthy way to do it? no definitely not. but I already tried hard liquors with my twin to try them out and with#my medication and also myself melatonin doesn’t work but nightcaps do? idk im gonna find a better alternative#anyways imma try to sleep again although I feel fully awake but it truly sucks and im so tired. gn y’all
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Pay to Play
The last thing I remember is a van pulling up to the sidewalk and two men grabbing me. I vaguely recall a syringe going into my arm and the pain of an injection but that’s all that I can remember of when I wake up. I’m in a dark room, tied to a chair, and gagged. There are several other girls in the room as well, all tied and gagged just like I am. The fear is palpable as we look between ourselves. Some are crying and most of us are squirming and struggling to no avail.
Suddenly, the door to the room we’re in swings open and several men walk in. No one says a word as the men go towards the girl closest to the door and pick her up, chair included. They leave with her, just as suddenly as they arrived, leaving the rest of us in stunned silence.
I feel tears well up in my eyes, the fear and confusion becoming too much for me to process. One of the girls screams behind her gag and another one joins her. A few more join in but no one beyond the door seems to notice and eventually, we all quiet again, each of us trying to cope in our own ways.
An unknown amount of time passes and suddenly the doors slam open again. The men return but there is no sign of the first girl. They head towards the second girl and grab her the same way, ignoring her wails from behind the gag and her desperate struggling against her bonds. They leave with her, just like before.
It becomes a pattern. The men come and take the next girl in line every so often and none of us know what to expect or how to stop it. Soon, I’m up next. It’s been so long since I woke up that I’ve stopped crying already. My arms are sore from being tied up and my legs are numb from sitting.
The doors slam open again and I’m carried away. I’m brought to a room surrounded by lights, the sudden brightness making me squint and blink. When my vision focuses again, I realize the men are gone and I’m alone. I’m surrounded by cameras, and there’s a large screen in front of me playing a live feed of the room, and I see myself. My hair is tangled, my eyes are red from crying, and I look terrified. What’s next to the footage is what makes my blood run cold. It’s a chat box, and I can see the comments coming in. Comments about how I look, about how excited viewers are for the “show,” and how much they think I’m worth. I realize in that moment that I’m being livestreamed and about to be sold off to the highest bidder.
A door opens and a man walks in. He’s wearing a mask that covers most of his face and he has on a microphone that I can only assume let’s him talk to the stream’s viewers.
“Welcome! Our next lovely girl is here with us now. You all know the rules, if you win the auction, you must transfer funds immediately and she will be prepared for shipment or pick-up, depending on your preference. Let’s begin.”
He walks toward me, and I whimper behind the gag, terrified of what’s to come. He pulls out a pair of scissors, and swiftly cuts away at my clothes, pulling them off my naked body and I’m crying now. I can see myself on the screen, my sobs making my body shake as I try my best to curl into myself.
The comments start to flood into the chat box now, people discussing my body, my tits, my pussy. I see bids start to come in too, and part of me is shocked to see the amount of money these people are throwing out.
The man comes back into my view and he’s holding a vibrator in his hand. I wail behind the gag, shaking my head and struggling uselessly in my bonds. He isn’t deterred and I watch as he clicks it on. I’m straining to close my legs but the ropes are too tight and chair too unyielding. He brings the vibrator between my legs and I wail when I feel it touch my clit. He doesn’t give me time to adjust, he presses the vibrating head directly onto my clit and holds it there, letting the vibrations batter me.
I scream behind the gag as I feel the sensation overwhelm me. At first, the fear dampened any pleasure but as the seconds dragged on and the vibrator stayed pressed up against my most delicate area, I could feel my body reacting. Waves of stimulation crash over me and I can feel the first inklings of an orgasm starting to build. The man keeps the horrible vibrator on my pulsing clit and my tears are now in response to the unbearable pleasure that I never wanted, and certainly not like this.
The vibrator pushes my body closer and closer to a wrecking orgasm, and I can’t do anything other than feel it happen. I arch my back and squirm as much as I can when the incomprehensible pleasure crescendos and I shatter. I can feel my pussy clenching around nothing and gushing out my release, my clit pulsing in time to my heartbeat, and my mind fading to a haze of pleasure and pain as the vibrator continues to ravage me.
“Orgasm in one minute and 37 seconds, and she’s a squirter,” the man announces matter-of-factly. “Let’s see how hard we can push her.”
I look up from tear-blurred eyes, seeing the comments flood in on the chat box on screen. I’ve always been sensitive post-orgasm and the fact that the man hasn’t pulled away the vibrator is pushing me into a painful overstimulation that’s making my stomach clench in fear. He reaches down with his free hand and maneuvering around the vibrator to pull back the soft skin that normally surrounds my clit, protecting it. My eyes widen and I let out a guttural scream behind the gag as the overwhelming, horrible vibrator now decimates my clit with nothing to soften the nerve-fraying stimulation.
I feel my eyes roll up into my head and my body is thrown into a second orgasm with no preparation. Just pure, unstoppable pleasure that burns every single nerve in my body. I can’t even breathe or scream or cry as my entire being is locked in a soul-shattering explosion that seems to go on forever.
I have no idea how much time passes or how many orgasms that terrible pleasure is able to tear from my body before the vibrator finally moves away. I’m shaking, crying, gasping for air and my clit is burning and twitching from the continued stimulation.
When I finally gather myself enough to open my eyes and see the on-screen chat box, I feel my heart stutter when I read some of the things people are saying.
“Fuck, she’s hot like that, I wonder if she’d survive a day strapped to a fucking machine.”
“I want to string her up and see how good of a whipping she could handle before she begs.”
“Her little clitty looks perfect for a piercing, and I could run electricity through it and really make her scream and cum.”
That last one makes me whimper and I pull my attention away from the screen, hoping that this nightmare is almost over.
“Now for a change of pace,” the man says from across the room. My eyes dart over to him and see that the men who’d brought me here are back again, rolling in a different chair, this one built like a gynecologist’s exam table with stirrups. I shake slightly in fear as they approach me and untie me before manhandling me into the exam chair. I’m too weak to even resist as they strap my body down, my feet going into the stirrups and my legs, arms, and body immobilized with straps.
The men leave and I look up at the livestream of myself, seeing how fear has made my eyes wide with gruesome anticipation. I can see clearly in the video, my clit looking so red and angry while my pussy still drips from the torment of pleasure they’d subjected me to moments before. I watch as the masked man approaches me, wheeling over a tray containing more horrible toys and devices.
He pulls a metal speculum off the tray and comes to stand before me. I’m shaking with terror, desperately trying to beg from behind the gag. He’s uncaring as he slides the device against my pussy, pushing the cold, hard metal inside of me. My back arches as my pussy fills and I whine, wishing that I didn’t find this violation pleasurable.
The man starts to crank the handle of the device, the motion forcing the speculum to open me up. I can’t help but moan, feeling an unbearable fullness start to build as the device pushes my pussy wide open. Eventually, he stops and takes a step back.
I watch through the livestream as he grabs a long, thin wand from the tray and comes back. I can feel my pussy pulsing around the speculum holding me open, and I know there’s nothing I can do to prevent whatever deranged thing he plans on doing next.
“Let’s see how she reacts to some internal stimulation.”
Without any other warning, the man slides the thin wand into me and presses a button that makes it start emitting a low pulsing vibration. He brushes against the walls of my pussy and I shake at the onslaught of pleasure. The speculum gives him easy, perfect access and the thin wand means he has every bit of precision at his disposal as he targets my most vulnerable places.
I choke on a gasp when he finds my g-spot and presses into it with heart-stopping accuracy. I feel my toes curl and my eyes roll to the back of my head as painful, unbearable pleasure overwhelms me. He turns up the wand to an unimaginable intensity and drives it into the tenderness of my pussy. I cum immediately. My pussy gushes and my juices flood out of me as the pleasure ravages my body with no mercy.
Just like with my clit, the man doesn’t let up. I’m locked in this impossible pleasure and overstimulation as my vision goes white and my body feels ripped to shreds by every orgasm that pours out of me.
When he finally stops, I don’t even feel human anymore. My mind is empty, there is absolutely nothing left other than the pure pleasure that laid waste to my entire being. I’m vaguely aware of the man announcing final call for bids but I’m too incoherent to really register what is going on around me. Suddenly, I feel a prick on my arm and slowly turn my head to watch a syringe pull out of my arm. My head spins and I feel sleep encroaching on my mind.
Just before my darkness overwhelms my vision and I sink into unconsciousness, I catch a glance of the screen and see how much money was spent on me. There’s a muted sense of astonishment. It’s more money than I could even fathom, more than I could make in a lifetime. And someone just spent it on me, in exchange for my complete ownership.
#nsft concept#overstim kink#dark fantasy#cl1t torture#mind break#rap3 fantasy#kidnap fantasy#overstim nsft#rough kink#medfet#cl!t torture
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What do you think Bakugo’s reaction will be to a reader who cant stop looking at his buttons, cause like dude HE LOOKS SO HOT WITH THE WHOLE NO TIE AND UNBUTTONED UNIFORM THING HE DOES HOLY
I do love it when you ask me about my opinion. We all know that Bakugo is not an idiot. He notices right away when your gaze lingers for more time than you usually do (and that you usually allow yourself to)
You are gathered in the common area, and most of your classmates are dozing off on the couch, a few of them talk about the day while the others stay in silence with their eyes close almost drifting to sleep
His presence doesn't go unnoticed for you when he claims a seat in front of you. He has a magazine on his hands with the headline that says something about the ten top heroes with the best outstanding battles each.
You don't plan to watch him like he's your prey. He would never be the prey of anyone, but you still can't help but look at him intensely. He's got something weird on him. You can't quite decipher what it is.
The days are warm, and a heat wave settled in the city, so everyone has been peeling off layers of clothes through the day.
The sun is setting right behind him, and a cold shiver comes through your spine. Spring days are weird. There must be a window open because there's a sudden breeze of cold air coming in from somewhere. You hug yourself and mentally curse because of the lack of reasoning you had to take your cardigan off preventing a heat stroke.
Bakugo is still reading his magazine, impassive. He's smarter than you obviously, and he did not peel his clothes off when the sun started shining, but he did something, he took off his tie and unbuttoned the first three button of his shirt.
God damned you.
You've been too busy focusing on the flies that now the mere fact of him doing something so mundane like coping the warmthest days of all hot you all flustered in your seat.
You can't react like that just for the sake of it.
"Oi" he grunts. "Quit fucking staring you creep"
There's no nonchalant way to save yourself from this.
"I'm sorry," you mumble. You weren't going to argue because it will carry a long tiff between the two of you, and just by the sight of his skin, you know you'll be out of words in a second.
"So you, in fact, had been staring at me like a damn creep," he says, not even taking his eyes off his lecture.
As you foreseen it, you are out of words.
"It's not every day that you get so free about how you wear what you wear in front of us," you tiptoe in your words, and it comes out more like a tongue-twister.
"Hah?" Now he lowers his magazine to stare at you.
The statement in front of us pales because there is no one around you. It's just you and your half digged grave. The colors rise to your cheeks, and suddenly, the couch is not deep enough for you to disappear.
How can you come clean when he catches you being a psycho and an hormonal bitch?
"Nothing, I just -" you stumble in your own words, trying to dissipate the tension while your braing tries to come up with a better idea than running away.
"Quit that shit, if you're staring me, I want you to say it to my face, what's your fucking deal with me?"
In a matter of seconds, he's right in front of you. A big scowl on his face fumed from reading the room wrongly. Poor and emotionally constipated Bakugo, he wouldn't realize your big and fat crush on him even if you tear your heart out in front of him.
His face is now inches from yours, trying to read your factions, but he only sees that you're laughing at him. The unbuttoned shirt is now under your gaze with the skin showing right in front of your nose.
The way he's looking at you is making you mad and flustered. You don't know what force possesses you, but when you roll your eyes at him, you know something big is coming.
"You can be so fucking dense sometimes, jeez, I was staring at you because I fucking like you, damn"
The two of you stay static. You because what the fuck was that and him because he couldn't believe what was listening.
Squirming, you grab his arms that caged you a while ago and move them from their position to slide out of the couch and hopefully leave the country.
Unfortunately, you don't even reach the stairs when he's pulling you backward.
"You said what?" He pronounces very clearly. Not grunting, not mumbling.
"What you heard. You push me to say it, walking around like a bitch wearing your shirt like that and-
Silence.
His firm lips crash with yours in a quick and tender kiss. You are speechless. Probably your face shows more than you're capable to describe.
"Fucking heat waves" he smirks at you and your astonished state.
#mha x reader#bnha bakugou#my hero academia#bakugo x reader#bakugo headcanons#mha bakugo katsuki#bakugo smut#bakugou smut#katsuki bakugo x reader#my hero academy fanfiction#bakugo katsuki#katsuki bakugo#bakugou katsuki x reader#katsuki bakugou#katsuki bakugou x reader#bakugou katsuki#bnha bakugo katsuki#bnha drabble#mha fanfiction#mha fluff#mha bakugou#bakugou x reader
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₊˚⊹。 see me through the morning glow | gojo satoru
wc: 1.0k summary: you and gojo have a slow morning. contains: f!reader in mind, suggestive if you squint, food descriptions. a/n: unedited, i honestly dk what this is i just really needed to get this out of my system! this is how i cope with 236.
re-uploaded because i accidentally deleted!
You slip out of bed faced with the promise of sunlight.
The curtains in your bedroom radiate a glow that bounces off the man lying next to you; it’s soft, near-white, almost ethereal, the color of his skin, hair, and bones. His back is exposed, arm reaching out over the (now) empty space beside him—the crinkles and folds where you once were.
You’ve always thought your bedroom had good lighting, and now you can confirm why: in the shadows, deepening the line that runs down his spine; in the highlights, guiding your eyes to the pockets of muscle behind his shoulders.
You look away, trying your best not to stare; the only reason he’s undressed is because of a cold sweat, from the nightmares—and the very need for skin-to-skin, to ground him in your touch.
On mornings like this, you let Gojo sleep in.
(Because you’re lucky if he can fall back asleep again).
It’s slow today—no work, no missions that need you or him. It’s your favorite kind of day, and Gojo’s too (once he wakes up and smells the waffles you’ve prepared, double topped with whipped cream and maple syrup—his special, of course).
A steady stream of warmth flows through the window to your kitchen countertop, the marble glimmering as light hits. The material was his choice; you don’t care much for glamor but Gojo likes pretty things—you especially, he likes to say.
The batter is quick to prepare, a recipe you’ve done many times before, so you ladle it into the waffle maker before letting it set on its own. Then, you grab a pan to heat up, spooning in last night’s leftover rice, some soy sauce, and mirin, adding salt to taste, as needed. A standard fried rice breakfast, with a yolk to mix in later.
The sound of his footsteps are concealed by the sizzles of the pan in front of you, but you’re caught off guard by arms wrapped around your waist, and his chin nestling itself into your shoulder as he nuzzles you.
He’s still shirtless, you notice, so you inch backwards in case of any oil spatter.
“Good sleep?” you mumble, certain that he heard you.
He hums, before whispering, lips tickling the edges of your ear on purpose, pouting, “Not anymore when you left.”
This man—a giant baby, puffed cheeks with long limbs hunched over you.
Your big baby.
Despite his whines, he’s telling the truth, you know, and you feel warm because of it, affection seeping in the cracks between his arms and the kitchen stove.
You blow on a spoonful of rice before lifting it up to his lips. Gojo’s breakfasts are always sweet, but every time you cook, he looks forward to this: waiting right behind you to be fed over your shoulder.
His review will always be the same, of course, everything you touch turns out good.
He reaches for the waffle maker with one hand while the other keeps you close, and you plate his little breakfast for him, whipped cream with little hearts drawn in maple syrup.
You grab a bowl for your rice and sit by the counter, Gojo sitting thigh-to-thigh beside you despite the abundance of space around you.
You realize then, that Gojo tends to hover.
Not necessarily in a bad way, just that, he does it all the time—always wanting to be near.
And for someone so perceiving, practically all-seeing, he doesn’t really have to for him to know what you’re up to, but with every opportunity he has, he never misses a moment to be close to you.
When you wash the dishes by the sink, he stays beside you, shoulder-to-shoulder, even when the sink is wide enough to accommodate him a few inches farther.
Even the walk to the bathroom has him tailing you, following your footsteps as he traces the footprints of slow mornings with you.
Your bathroom counter has two sinks, but of course, today, he chooses to stay by yours.
“Skincare?” you raise a tub of face mask.
He doesn’t need it, but you love pampering him, so he nods, whatever you want.
You struggle for a bit (he’s just too tall), so he picks you up by the waist and rests you on the bathroom counter, against the mirror.
He stays in the space between your legs, hands flat against your thighs. His thumb kneads your skin gently, and any other time, this position would end very differently, but there’s a look he’s giving you—all words without speaking.
And—
“Quit staring,” you mumble, turning shy. You’re about to rub the product onto his cheeks, under his eyes.
“What, I can’t look at you?” he moves closer, keeping his eyes locked on you as he rubs circles on your thighs.
“No, you can, but,” you swallow, “you’re looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” his brows furrow.
“Like that.” you sigh, gesturing to his face.
“Like I love you?”
And it is like that. Like he loves you. That’s why he says it so casually.
Because he does.
You stay quiet, stunned, before you clear your throat and finish up the final area on his face.
“Yeah.” you mumble, reaching over to wash your hands on the sink.
Gojo waits for you to finish before he takes a small towel to dry your hands with it.
“As if you don’t know.” he scoffs, pulling you closer to the edge of the counter.
He’s right—it’s been said before, but there’s something else in his eyes right now, shiny and devoted, as if this is all he could ever want. As if you, on this slow morning, in this too-big bathroom is all he could ever need.
But he doesn’t say anything. At least, not what he really means.
“Not my fault you’re so pretty today,” he adds on, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
It should be funny, that he’s telling you all this with a mask slathered all over his face, but his compliments always speak to the depths of you, even when you don’t expect them to.
His fingers mold against your cheek, to your ears, down to the back of your head, bringing you closer until he kisses you softly, a gentle peck.
Bits of the face mask transfer to your nose and you giggle, wiping it off.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say.” you joke.
Gojo smiles, that look on his face, “Good for you then, you’re the only one I see.”
re-uploaded because i accidentally deleted!
comments, tags, and reblogs are greatly appreciated ♡
#gojo x reader#gojo satoru x reader#satoru x reader#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#gojo satoru#gojo#satoru#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#shotorus.writes#gojo x yn#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#gojo fluff#was considering deleting this tbh but it racked up notes this morning so !#but then... i accidentally deleted it too so now im reposting !!
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