#so i think now my brain is sort of
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
🌧️
#i think i did something weird to myself on accident#the night i found out my uncle died i was watching one piece and watched ace die#so i think now my brain is sort of#mashing the two things into one big sad thing#so now when i watch one piece and anything has to do with ace the grief is insanely overwhelming#i mean the grief and loss of that part of one piece was already highly intentional and very there#but normally i would have watched and moved on#but those two things happening on the same night for me just mixed things up for me#i feel like i associate ace's death with the grief of losing my uncle and i can't really express it well any other way#idk if any of this makes sense#but now the thought of ace makes me so sad i feel like i'm gonna throw up
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Transitional phase
#isat spoilers#act 6 secret encounter#inspired by loop and loop adjascent designs by sharkylass and wonder-of-the-stars yay yay yay MY BRAIN EXPANDS ily guys#i think at this point im sure i'll never settle on 1 post-story loop design so i think they probably phase in and out of a human form#which is still mostly their own body but they regain some functions like the ability to eat and also their face and clothes#now with inbetween stages i guess?! i just thought it looked cute honestly. im playing. with my touys.#it's probably not fully in their control how they look at any given time. but they definitely stay stuck in star form for a while.#and get better control of keeping the 'human mask' on longer the more they practice#u can sort of see their eye scar in the transitional phase but it bursts out into the bright star that covers the eye in human form#in stars and time spoilers#isat#in stars and time#isat loop#my art
852 notes
·
View notes
Note
I've had Ludovicas girlfriend on the brain for months and finally sketched her out. I see her as the opposite to machete in that she has dark colours and softer shapes. Her ears and facefur kinda blend together and she gets big soft browneyes..
.
#you've had Ludovica's girlfriend stuck in your brain for months??#oh no now I feel kind of bad about being so vague and noncommittal about her design and personality and everything#I should've made up my mind ages ago#I like her expression here#she looks like a calm and quiet but no nonsense type of lady#at least to me I mean#I'd love to make her uniformly black/dark grey#but I know from experience that it would make her facial details and expressions hard to see#it's entirely possible to make it work but it takes some extra effort#adding even a small focal point (some kind of marking or lighter eyes for example) to anchor the viewer's attention helps a lot#I'm rambling sorry#I think about her often but keep going in circles#but the same thing happened with Ludovica and her design so I'm optimistic that this one will sort itself out eventually as well#I'm flattered ypu find her interesting! I promise I'm working on it#gift art#featherfrond#own characters
210 notes
·
View notes
Text
FIIIINALLY almost nailed my designs for lizzie and caspian can i get a HEEEELLL YEAAH???? i think these two make a vvery cute duo and i cannt wait to see them again. i also hope they both get hurt reaaaallly really badly. togeter
#OOOHH OH OOOHH IVE BBBEEEN REWATCHING THINGSSS ive been rewatching riptide weeee im never leaving here weeeee!!!#caspian and lizzie are SUUUUCH A CUTE COUPLE CAN I BE HONNESTT but in a princess and knight way. do you hear me.#caspian is such a 'lights her cigarette' kinda guy. hes such a dude that has made a vow to a very very special lady#he would float half of a boat w nothing but his water powers for eight days and he would do it all for her.I LOVE THEMM#IM SO HAPPY ABT LIZZIES REDESIGN BTW IM MAKIN A WHOLE DOODLY PAGE FOR HER N IM HAVING FUNNN YEAAAHHH#CASPIAN HAS ALSO BEN ENTIRELY RECYCLED IN MY MINDS EYE. they describe him as Wet sooo much. so i drew that and im happy abt it#caspian is sooo handsom in my brain thats why i draw him so rarely bc drawing pretty boys is HARD. but i DID IT.#when he first appeared i thought he was a triton too bc i didn talk to the fandom n i knew nothing abt dnd. so learning otherwise was funny#a residual effect o that mixup is me giving him ears thatre like the fins of a flying fish. he seems to light and carefree.#the lighter fins o a flying fish just fit so perfectly. also his white hair fades into mist in my mind#NOW FOR LIZZIE ART NOTES.A BLACK ROSE.sometimes a red rose.shes so roses to me!!gorgeous but coated in thorns. i wanted her hair to-#-resemble roses or smth like that. square swirls are also soo her. reevaluating her ref sheet was also fun bc WOW the triangles and birds#SO FUN!! shes so spikyy..her and caspian are such a good dynamic in everyway#personality wise and appearance wise and i wanted to capture that sortaaaa. in vibes. yknow.im veryhappy w getting their designs sorted out#ALSO I GAVE LIZZie tha jhonny da homicidal manac boots. bc i love that comic and i will never stop giving characters da boots.#also in other news ddoes anyone else still wonder abt destinys blade and how it used to be a golden lotus sword but then it also used to#be a person and caspian just had that sword for however da fuck long and then so willingly gave it to gillion after he lost his sword#llike did he know. did he know. also do you think caspian and lizzie have explored ea
67 notes
·
View notes
Note
An ugly Betty Maxiel au would hit so badly
hello anon!!!! I have to say, I never was a big ugly betty fan so I only have vague memories of it from the few episodes i watched with my sister, but I had a good think about this while in the shower and this is what my brain came up with.
Daniel inherits his father's company, even if he was never meant to. maybe he had been traveling around the world, or being a musician or an influencer idk whatever he felt like doing, but he's called back for some reason and he has to take over. and his family is scared he's gonna run it into the ground because he only thinks about what's fun and not what's best so they give him max (who had already been working in the company and is like...an accountant or something) as an assistant.
and they do NOT click at all, max is sooo boring and straight laced and wants daniel to do things like go to meetings or worse, listen to meetings?? and he's always talking about "researching sustainable resources" and "looking into more profitable markets" and daniel just does not care okay?
and then my brain stuttered a little because how do i fix them from here? because i do not remember the show enough to let it do it for me. and i thought maybe daniel drags max to some sort of party during working hours and max is uncomfortable and keeps trying to make him leave, but daniel forces a couple of drinks in him and somehow they end up at daniel's house, both a little buzzed, talking about their dreams. daniel talks about wanting to see the world, be his own person instead of his father's son. max talks about bettering the world, wanting to transform the way things work, even if it is one company choice at a time. and they understand each other better after that and start to work together.
and then they start falling in love.
BUT THEN!!! (and here is the plot twist dear anon) my brain said: why not reverse ugly betty AU? (i bet there is like...a movie/tv show i could reference for this but it's 2:30 am give me a break)
max who has been raised to take over his father's company. it's all he wants and knows how to do. when he does take over, he throws himself completely in it, runs it like a military camp, profits go up but so does the rate in which they have to hire new people because everyone keeps running away. and his mother and sister are worried about him, because he's so young and all he does is work work work, no more hanging out with friends, no more playing video games, zero drinking, zero fun.
and so they trick him into hiring daniel as his personal assistant. maybe victoria knows daniel through someone else, or she gets lando to give her the name of his most extravagant acquaintance. and daniel is. quite different from max. he likes to party, to live his life. he's older and never held the same job from more than a year. he's lived on people's couches multiple times before. he's moved several times in his life just because he got bored of the place.
max hates him. daniel is a terrible assistant, keeps trying to schedule breaks in his days???? cuts meetings shorts when they run over working hours? forces him to go have drinks after work????? and is always chatting and touching him and forcing him to "take the scenic route" instead of the most direct one.
he doesn't realise daniel had seen a sad kid and decided to help him. he doesn't realise it's working until he starts softening up, both at work and in his personal life.
and then they fall in love!
bestie this was very fun to think about thank you for sending this ask! and i am sorry if this isn't exactly what you were thinking about but as i said i am not an ugly betty connoisseur.
#answered#ily thank you for this!!!#now that i have written it all down i feel very silly like i am missing something#or like everything i wrote is very silly#but it's the 2 am brain talking maybe so i'll post this anyway#maxiel#my writing#sort of#i really need a tag for this#did i have a#au ideas#tag??? i think so
59 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
another thing i've been trying to do recently is read more self-published stuff. "but fell," you say, "you're a self-published author. surely you've been reading self-published stuff all along" and then i laugh for so long in response we both become uncomfortable.
see, the fear (which has for a long time been killing my mind) that i'll read other self-published stuff and find out that it's so much better than mine that i might as well stop writing forever kept me from doing that basically ever. i have a hard time not unfavorably comparing my work to others and had convinced myself i was being smart by withholding an avenue of de-motivation (reader: i was not being smart). it also doesn't help that i'm pretty low income and have a hard time spending money on books i haven't already read, and that self-published stuff isn't always available at the library---but really a lot of it was just me being a coward. which i'm working on. i could talk about how this particular cowardice is Very Silly, but i think enough has been said about it on writeblr and in the Writing Space in general that i don't feel the need to (though i will if anyone wants me to).
instead, i wanna talk about the self-published things i have read in the past few months and ask about the self-published things you love!
so: what happened was i got real sick, and while i was real sick i (naturally) read over 200,000 words of ace attorney fan fiction in the span of a few days. eventually i got bored of it (and also maybe annoyed at how people were characterizing some of my guys), but i still wanted to read something gay and romantic and nice, something i knew was gonna end happily, which isn't my typical fare.
now you may be saying (having gotten over all the uncomfortable laughter from earlier) "fell, you write gay romance. what do you mean that's not your typical fare?" listen. until a couple months ago i hadn't read a cut and dry romance novel since before i finished college. for context: i graduated in 2015. i know it doesn't make sense. i'm a guy who doesn't make sense.
but in this case it worked to my advantage. not the not making sense thing, but the not having read Published Romance in 1000 years thing. I didn't know where to start. I was very skeptical of everything the library had Available Now in the Gay Fantasy Romance category. what if it was all bad and also not good?
and then i scrolled past the familiar cover of our very own @ashen-crest's A Rival Most Vial.
now this was comfortable territory! this was a novel by a very nice writeblr person whose posts i enjoy! i already loosely knew the plot, i was familiar with the characters, i knew the names of things like rosemond street and the griffin's claw and that ambrose had blue hair and that at the end of it all there would definitely be Boyfriends. i didn't have to worry that this would be bad! i only had to worry that it would be really good!
but i wasn't worried about that, because i was officially Not Writing at the time, and because why the hell hadn't i read this book yet Ash literally emailed me some very kind words last year when my cat died??
Y'all, I devoured ARMV. If you haven't read it yet---especially if cozy fantasy is more your thing than it is mine---you should check it out Immediately. It was fun! It was heartwarming! It was sweet and earnest and confident! I was delighted to find it was occasionally hot! Ambrose and Eli snuggled up into my sick exhausted heart and found a permanent little place there. (Especially Ambrose. I have such a thing for Stiff Guys who Kind of Suck for Tragic Backstory Reasons and are So So Lonely They Don't Even Realize It. gawd)
(And a very small part of my brain spent the whole time wondering why I had been so afraid to really engage with the work my community is doing. The community that I'm in. The one I'm a part of. Why?! Maybe more on that later.)
But from there the curse was broken! I immediately devoured @stjohnstarling's What Manner of Man in a similar sort of frenzy (and hooooly shit guys am I excited for the expanded, finalized version to come out at the end of next month!) and started digging into @lurinatftbn's The Flower that Bloomed Nowhere (which I can already tell is going to be an All Time Favorite).
And now I want to ask you what your favorite self-published books are so that I can read them, too, but I think I will in another post that doesn't dedicate so much space to talking about my various and sundry Issues and isn't Terminally Long
#my god the library. darling. beloved. breath of my life and heart of my soul.#i should make a post about her#also. and maybe i'll make a separate post about this at some point too#but i truly think the free serialized webnovel rough draft ala What Manner of Man is The Future#i should probably make a whole separate post about all these novels too tbh.#boutta become Posting Guy. The Guy Who Posts#and writes novels in the tags. but i've always been like that#i never talked about the dream i had where i was emry karic from the lutesong series did i? i totally meant to. fucked up!#so i had a dream where i was emry karic.#I (emry karic) was fleeing a bunch of elves in a forest with my mom and sister (who were fully my irl mom and sister)#they thought i had done a murder and were chasing me (emry karic) with spears and stuff. they almost caught me#but i managed to escape. later i came upon a weird old-timey fantasy carnival.#and for some reason one of the fun attractions at this carnival was A Day in Court#where you watch someone defend themselves in court.#you'll never guess who had to defend himself in court and what the charges were!#notably there were no other characters from the lutesong series involved.#and i also have yet to read any of the books in the lutesong series. emry and his flower crown simply invaded my brain out of nowhere#i thought about turning this post into separate posts or rewriting it or smthn because it's so long and all over the place but#that sort of defeats the whole trying to just post and not be so up my own ass about it that i never actually post thing#so here you go#if you are also someone who struggles or once struggled with reading other people's stuff because of self esteem issues. hi!#we're now spidermen pointing at each other
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok but im rly into the idea of till having a new era that brings the light back to his eyes and drives him forward if he gets to escape the arena. idk where he'd go from there but i want to see ivans sacrifice both haunt him and drive him to actually live his damn life after being the captured bird refusing freedom cause of mizi. once he knows she's alive with the resistance he might be able to actually experience other things and widen his world and if that happens and he puts his personal sense of rebellion towards the human cause OR settles into finding some other way to feel fulfilment that isn't a single person that could be deeply fascinating to me i think
#alien stage#ramble#idk#till alien stage#as an xxxholic fan i want to see caged birds fly and all the fear and loss and grit and progress that comes with it#till era would be so fucking fun#especially when characters r built arnd one person or one goal or something you want to see them find new things to suffer or thrive abt (?)#random inconsequential thought imagine till hooking up with hyunas besties and they become a resistance throuple#idk i just want till to experience the wider world as the one that was the most restrained by his heart AND literally#cause even compared to the other anakt kids he suffered so much in those damn buildings and labs#i wanna see him freed and what that means for ivans legacy as the person who was unseen but someone who both contributed to and desperately#tried to stop his pain and confinement no matter what#honestly the thing i wanna see most rn off the top of my head is#till coming to terms with what he knows and sees about ivan now#no matter how he feels about it i think ivan wont be forgotten that easily#i want to know whats going thru tills head rn immediately in this moment#cause this snapped him in some way and he is acutely aware of things he didnt even notice before#while handling the mizi desth thing#that he assumed was happening#if he is assumedly saved i want to see the explosion that is knowung mizi is alive#knowing ivan is dead and how ivan felt#and knowing he has a way out of the cage#because its a triple whammy#i want to see his brain exploding in real time thinking abt all these things#and what sort of person the revelations will make him become#also i want to see mizi and till have like an actual conversation cause itd be a wildcard especially right now
70 notes
·
View notes
Note
I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain
Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it
i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)
really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!
undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.
i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.
people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.
peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.
it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."
so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.
people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.
autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.
#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before#and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed#and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way#i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think#i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks
65 notes
·
View notes
Text
fingers slipped, wrote something, bone apple teeth :3
-
For the first year, Odysseus did his best to stay away from Calypso. The goddess did not make it easy, always eager to find him like they were playing some game (and maybe they truly were because where else could Odysseus go that her power could not touch). She would giggle and playfully lecture him on his etiquette in avoiding his lover.
“I’m married.”
“You mortals and your silly fixed brains.” She would pat him on the head before hugging him. “It’s only you and me on this island. What does a flimsy marriage from out there mean here?”
He wondered if Zeus had the same mindset.
At year three, Odysseus had scoured the whole island and traversed the beaches plenty. Calypso continued to find his evasiveness endearing, but there will be a time when his need to leave her comfy, perfect paradise will displease her. Or offend her. Odysseus would rather be on the other side of the sea than know what she’d do if her delusion finally broke.
She still believed that Odysseus will warm up to her. And were Odysseus not in this situation, maybe he would find her patience admirable. Or maybe not. Maybe it would still fill him up with dread and exhaustion.
Year five, Calypso no longer allows Odysseus to venture off towards the beaches. Her paranoia finally catching up with her. She then has Odysseus braid her hair to spend the time instead.
“Is this not a beautiful place? Paradise packed in a little island for two?” She hums and stretches her legs in front of her. His hands working slow and carefully for each braid. She drinks this moment in for all it’s worth.
“Paradise is not supposed to be limited.”
Calypso huffs. “Must you always be a downer? Take in the island’s beauty!” Take in mine! “See the perfection in it all that is missing from the rest of the world.”
“Perfection is not a missing flaw out there.” His hands move to another braid. “We all have something different to share and explore. We are imperfect because we are not yet done learning and changing.”
“But does it not exhaust you? Always needing to learn? To change? To catch up with what is new? You get to finally rest from it all here. Your exhaustion can leave and you can seek refuge here.”
“Do you not miss it?”
Calypso looks away from her hands. “Miss what?”
“Do you not miss what it was like to travel? To see new sights? Not be trapped here and alone?”
“I am not alone. You are here with me.”
“Are you not also trapped here. Forever on this island?”
Calypso did not like the direction this conversation was going. Odysseus had no idea what he was talking about! Nobody here was trapped! This is paradise. This will be paradise. It has become a safe haven ever since he—
“I like this island,” she says instead. “And now you are here and I like it more.”
At year seven, Odysseus tries to jump off one of the cliffs of the island. At year seven, Calypso notices the now obvious flinches he makes when she touches him. At year seven, Calypso does not stop Odysseus from leaving her vicinity to venture back to the beaches.
At year seven, Calypso is greeted by Hermes. At year seven, Calypso is told to let him go.
now posted on ao3
#brainworms at it again#if there are typos then i am so sorry i will fic them later with heavy regret but for now i do not care this needs to LEAVE my BRAIN#epic the musical#epic the vengeance saga#this is sort of a character study and sort of a “here’s what i think the years on the island were like”#ficlet#my fic
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
Stobin Mandalorian AU part 1
(aka s3 stobin accidentally acquire a magic baby)
[You Are Here] [2] [3] [4]
It’s Robin that first hears the baby crying. She insists it’s coming from the vents on her right side — Steve’s left — but the concussion’s left everything kind of soupy so it takes him a few minutes to pick it out from the ever-present hum of the gate-laser and the rush of blood through his own ears. Once he notices it though, it’s hard to stop.
It’s a sad, lonely sort of crying that makes his heart ache. Robin makes a dubious sort of noise when he mentions this and insists that it’s probably just hungry — which Steve has to admit is likely, none of the Russians they’ve met so far can really be described as ‘nurturing’ — but something in his gut tells him that’s not it.
He doesn’t get the chance to say anything before the Russians come back with the doctor, and then they have a whole new set of problems to worry about.
The mysterious blue goop makes everything a million times soupier and having pliers around his fingernail is not great, but then Dustin and Erica are there and everything’s great again. Super great, even.
“Can you two hurry up?” Dustin hisses, pulling Steve upright when he starts to list to the side.
It’s a little difficult to navigate when your head is soup and your bones are blue and goopy and you’re bleeding from at least three places you weren’t bleeding from this morning, and Steve makes a valiant attempt to tell Dustin this because it’s important information he needs to know. He starts, then stops because he can barely hear himself over the siren and honestly this is just like earlier when he was trying to hear the— oh right.
“Baby,” Steve says, and Robin whips her head around in slow motion to stare at the vent.
“Did you just call me a baby?” Dustin demands, shoving them into the hallway.
“Nooo, no, no,” Steve insists. He takes two steps in the direction Dustin is going, then checks to see where the vent leads. It’s going in the other direction. He turns around. “Baby. The baby. Gotta get the baby.”
“It’s hungry,” Robin says decisively, even though Steve’s almost positive that’s not the problem.
“I don’t know why these two idiots are so focused on it but I did hear a baby,” Erica says, and Dustin groans.
“And you didn’t say anything?”
“I didn’t think I was the only one around here with working ears,” she says scathingly. “Clearly I was wrong.”
Steve and Robin are already halfway down the hall. Robin stops, cocking her head like a bird, and gasps.
“I hear it! This way!”
She books it around a corner, and she might be only going half as fast as she usually does but she’s still a lot faster than Steve. He stumbles after her, clutching at the weird tubes on the wall for support.
“Get back here!” Dustin hisses, tugging at Steve’s arm. “We have to go!”
“Steve!” Robin shouts at the top of her lungs. “I found the baby!”
Steve manages to drag both himself and Dustin around the corner and into a small room with a metal door. Clearly he needs to start making Dustin exercise because he should not be weaker than Steve is when his bones are soup. Dustin should have solid bones — he drinks a lot of milk, and it’s like, scientifically proven that milk makes your bones stronger. It’s that vitamin — or is it a mineral? Ca— Cancer? No, wrong one. Ca-something. Robin would know.
Anyway Dustin has strong bones so obviously it’s a muscle thing that’s the reason why his arms are really weak and Steve should make him play basketball about it.
Robin’s holding a baby.
“Put that down,” Dustin insists, letting go of Steve to gesture at Robin. She pouts and cuddles the baby closer.
It’s such a cute, perfect baby too. Steve stumbles closer so he can look at the perfect baby. It has soft wisps of brown hair and squishy pink cheeks, and when Robin smooths a thumb over those squishy baby cheeks it stops crying and opens its big brown eyes.
“Steve,” Robin says, staring at him with her own wide eyes, “it’s a girl baby.”
“She’s perfect,” Steve whispers, and he wants to hold her so so bad but he can’t even hold himself up right now and the only thing worse than not holding her is dropping her so he has to leave her with Robin even though it kind of makes him want to cry.
He’s always wanted a baby.
“Okay,” he turns back to Dustin, who’s looking very stressed. “Now we can go.”
“What do you mean ‘now we can go’?”
“We have the baby, let’s go!”
“We can’t just steal a baby!”
“Yes we can,” Robin says, and starts walking out the door. “See? We’re stealing her. Easy peasy.”
“But—!”
“Let’s go, nerd!” Erica says, shoving them all out of the room. “Cry about it later, we need to leave!”
Steve stops to grab a few baby things, though there isn’t much. A white blanket, a few cloth diapers, and a thick stack of folders — the last of which aren’t baby things, but he assumes they’ll be important anyway. The stitching on the corner of the blanket reads ‘Два’, the same as the label on her metal crib.
“Aba,” he mutters, following them to the weird red car. “Like the band?”
Well, it’s probably a beautiful name for a baby girl. In Russian.
[Next]
#I’ve literally been thinking abt this fic concept for months#stobin with a baby is taking up some serious real estate in my brain rn#and hopefully now in yours!!! you’re so welcome (I’m so sorry)#stobin mandalorian au#<— dedicated tag for this series (for whenever I continue)#I might post this on ao3 once I have enough written but for now it’s going here#as a sort of palate cleanser to get my mojo back for dear cassandra (hopefully)#and!! ascu part 3 (featuring our favourite dead cheerleader chrissy cunningham!)#the greatest qpr hawkins has ever seen#<— stobin tag#envy writes#stranger things#stranger things fic#stobin fanfic#stobin#steve harrington#robin buckley
123 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok but, regarding TMAGP 27, I can't stop thinking about Jonah writing, after sending Archibald to a certain death, "It is done, and I am surprised to find how little remorse I feel." It reminds me of his statement in MAG 160:
"The discovery, not simply of the dark and horrible reality of the world in which you live, but that you would quite willingly doom that world and confine the billions in it to an eternity of terror and suffering, all to ensure your own happiness, to place yourself beyond pain and death and fear. (...) It is an awful thing to know about yourself."
I will never get tired of little details about his life being revealed (regardless of the timeline/dimension) because the parallel between his discovery of the supernatural world and the discovery of his own true self and the things he's capable of is so interesting and compelling to me.
Along with the knowledge of the horrors that exist in his world comes the horror of the realization that he might be capable of anything to stop feeling scared and vulnerable, to put himself over everybody else if necessary. Every time curiosity leads him into a new experiment, a new sacrifice in the name of knowledge, he lets go a little bit of himself and his morality. And then, as it happened with Archibald, and as it happened with Barnabas in another world, he feels surprised of how easy it was. Of how he doesn't feel regret or grief, how at most he finds himself thinking that it was all a pity. So it becomes even easier each time, he finds freedom in it, as he also mentions in MAG 160— and one sacrifice after another, it all becomes incredibly simple. There is no fear of losing himself, only the fear of death and pain remains, and only after that process of two hundreds years can one condemn the world for his own sake.
The progressive descent into evil of Jonah Magnus, slowly exposed through statements and letters, will never stop being one of the more interesting parts of this podcast imo.
#the magnus protocol#tmagp#jonah magnus#well sorry im now using my art blog for this i guess#this is probably conveyed extremely poorly but you know!! english is not is my first language so what can i do#not that im saying anything new i just love this sort of arc and story#specially if its slowlly narrated in the background through snippets but at the same time it's extremely important for the general plot#and themes of the story#thats my fromsoft poisoned brain for you#also i know theres some people pointing out that we technically dont know if the magnus in tmagp 27 is in fact jonah#but come on he's the magnus who founded that institute and has the same bitch personality#him not being jonah would be extremely cheap and deceptive#also “augustus is jonah” team please rise. this is what i've been saying ALL THE TIME#tmagp spoilers#oh one more thing#you could argue that there's no real “descent into evil” for jonah since he's a privileged guy in victorian england#who represents the opression of the ruling class#and the point is that he feels that he can trample all over other people because of that#thats a talk for another day lol#those are different interpretations but i believe they can be true at the same time#after all the capacity for evil was always within him thats the point i think#uuuh anyways good night
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
in stars and time + jhariah // MAYBE LATER DANCE / sunsets (resilience) / FIRE4FUN / are you happy? (questions) / PIN-EYE / SASUKE
#tried to make that isat playlist i threatened to make the other day but i still have jhariah on the brain#so here's some sort of web weave thing to get it out of my head#in stars and time#isat spoilers#not tagging 2hats spoilers i really don't think it counts. even tho it was partially my intention#wren.exe#sorry for the do you like the color of the isat with the last one LMAO#good morning now that its not the middle of the night this post now has alt text
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
okay. okay. it is done.
lmk if you see anything weird or think something should be written better!! also blanket content warning on the bio bc there's a lot of heavy fuckin stuff in there, though it is all marked (i think. hmu if i missed smth). same goes for the timeline but that's all written more matter-of-fact and less detailed so i just slapped a cw at the very top of the page
#hooooo i'm kinda nervous. been a long time since i've written any sort of detailed bio for a character#and never have i written one with overwhelmingly dark themes so :x if smth can maybe be handled better just lmk#i wrote some big chunks of that while in and out of brain fog so aksjhfds#but yeah!!!! overall i'm pretty proud of the thing ;u;#inevitably i'll add to the bio + timeline as i remember more things that need to be included & continue developing byan as a character#for now tho... all the important shit is covered (i think. lmfao. there's too much in my head so it's hard to be sure)#now to update my pinned........ and eventually make a new promo. but that's for another day#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
AITA if I accidentally left fish at my mayor's house for two weeks straight? And it left his house stinky?
OK- so I (26TM) moved to a small sort of isolated town during spring this year, where I work as a farmer on a farm my grandpa once owned. It's been great and I have really settled in over the course of the year.
Time passed and eventually fall was upon us. Now, during the middle of fall the town holds a small festival, where among other things you could set up a little stall with your finest products for a friendly competition and review. Our mayor (??M) hooked me up with one of those which was really nice- I had been doing a lot of fishing over the months and I had a few good ones to display so I did. I ended up getting second place- okay no, that is not really relevant-
But after the results were out, the mayor specifically reminded me to not forget to empty out my supply and bring it with my back home. He specifically went out of his way to remind me. Thing is... I might have gotten a bit caught up in the other festivities and fun things around (not my fault they were grilling burgers and had gambling). And I completely forgot, I only remembered the moment I stepped foot inside my room again.
Next morning rolls around and I wake up to a letter in my mailbox from the mayor explaining that the fish I had left were placed inside the town's Lost and Found. Which is just a big box inside his house. So I thought "OK, great. I'll head over today and retrieve them." Yeah, that didn't really turn out. I completely forgot, it completely slipped my mind. And that same series of events of - me recalling that I had stuff in the Lost and Found and meaning to go pick them up and forgetting - kept happening for a while. Until two weeks had passed and it was winter. And as I was passing the mayor's house the thought struck again. Except this time I actually REMEMBERED and WENT THROUGH WITH IT. So I knock on his door and I get let in, and the house smells like, well... rotten fish. I go straight to the box while talking about how I'm so sorry it took so long and that I was always getting distracted by this that and the other. And he's being all understanding and nodding along. But there is no way he wasn't at least a bit ticked off, right? And I do feel really bad but I cannot do much for my forgetfulness besides setting reminders maybe... maybe I will try that in the future.
AITA for forgetting to pick up my forgotten fish from my mayor's house?
#i dont think i have the brain capacity to read this through right now im so tired#does this sort of read like a convincing aita. i wouldnt know#doesnt really matter tho. its all for shits and giggles.#ive been writing for like 40 minutes for this absolute shitpost help#when the bit goes too far#stardew valley#sdv#sdv farmer#sdv lewis#uhm do i even wanna tag this with my art ....#my art#doodle#guyssailawayfarm#this is pure crack i was cackling so hard writing this you dont even know
111 notes
·
View notes