#so i just don't bother anymore
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I love teaching social studies so much but fuck do I hate social studies teachers
#at least the ones i work with#which means probably most i will ever work with#all i do is listen to these jackasses complain about kids with like zero perspective on the kids' experiences#like yes there are systemic differences between now and when they were kids that have negative consequences#but they self-reflect on none of it#and they do not care when i talk#because to them im basically one of those same kids and am lazy and entitled#so i just don't bother anymore#and being a new teacher feeling like you don't matter to your own department is so fucking exhausting#idk#personal
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There have been several things in my everyday life that i have just, "decided to not let bother me". And that seemed to work really well for me. Like, well if i can't seem to change that then i guess i'll just accept the fact that i'm a person whose life is like that, and be at peace with it.
years later i'm finding out that while i thought i was not letting it bother me, what i was actually doing was ignoring that it was bothering me the whole time. And, wow, are those two things different.
#in the long term. but they feel so similar in the short term#like in the moment they both feel like you don't care about it anymore with some relief and an ability to focus on other things in your lif#but when that thing runs its whole orbit out in the dark and arrives back in the center of your attention later in life#it arrives with the full force of the decade or two you've been walking with that particular pebble in your shoe#and you find yourself thinking “i'd rather chew my own foot off than have to take one more step onto that little fucking rock again istfg”#made all the worse by the fact you've not given yourself any compassion or accommodation about it#like you haven't said to yourself it's okay you walked less miles than you needed to walk today - after all you have a pebble in your shoe#and you haven't used a cane or taken foot-resting breaks or anything in fact you've just been doing your best to not even limp#so instead of not letting the pebble bother me i've just been doing things in a way in the way guaranteed to make the pebble bother me most#and i think i've got like#several miscellaneous shoe bits going on down there smh
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Do you think that Snape, after being yelled at by McGonagall for showing her attitude and somehow the fight escalating to their past when Snape was a child, and told that if he was actually traumatised by her actions, he'd be afraid of her, not rude to her, would lock himself in his room and cry, cry, cry, because despite the fact that he fought back and screamed that he IS traumatised, that she DID hurt him by not being there, that she IS responsible for him being this way, he isn't sure? Because every single person around him tells him that he's the problem. That he's rude. That it's his fault the other party was offended. Even though he didn't mean to be rude, he was just being him, but surely he's the problem if everyone's saying it? Or maybe he's surrounded by the wrong people? Or maybe he is wrong, and he is a horrible person, he is a piece of trash, he's wrong and just stubborn?
Do you think that sometimes he doesn't even know if he's right or wrong? That he doesn't even care, all he knows is that he's so, so angry, he's in so, SO much pain, he wants to scream, he wants to cry, it all hurts and no one's coming to make it better and he can never get it out, he can never truly vocalise it because the words won't come, and he looks hysterical, insane, and selfish.
He's just tired.
#severus snape#pro snape#professor severus snape#minerva mcgonagall#why minerva and not the others? lets just say that my own mother's given me my fair share of issues and im done#i dont even care if im wrong anymore if im an awful person i do not care i actually don't#because nothing i do makes me look good everything about me is just wrong so why should i care anymore?#why bother trying? I'll always have “problems”#but noooo im not autistic i dont have adhd i couldn't possibly#like hello what do you think my “attitude” is mum? me choosing to be rude to people?#im not diagnosed yet this is all from my own research and im not even sure sometimes#and sometimes i geniunely worry that maybe i AM neurotypical and just a lazy self centred human#i dunno#well guess that explains why i like snape so much and why i defend him
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i keep trying to think of funny/poetic ways to talk about all the things i'm feeling right now but i honestly can't so. i'm really sad about what happened with my partner. i know he was an inconsiderate prick about it and that i didn't do anything wrong and i couldn't have prevented it but i'm just really fucking sad.
#ramble#i think knowing that he was awful and that it wasn't my fault should make all the sad go away actually#i'm in such a weird fragile state right now that last night i looked at my flip flops that are still covered in mud#and i just started crying bc last weekend he carried me over the mud so they wouldn't get ruined. KNOWING he was going to do this to me#sorry i try really hard not to overshare but i don't want to keep bothering anyone in my actual life about this and idk what to do#when it happened it didn't hurt this badly and i just assumed i would be fine#idk i think it's just sunk in how much of my future i don't have anymore and that's like#a bit scary#because i was Just calming down and thinking maybe i would be ok in the long term and now it's all gone#i'm in that weird place between desperately wanting him back and plotting where to bury the body parts#i'm also mad bc i wish he'd left me before the festival. there were SO many gorgeous metalhead trans girls that i could've kissed
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So...
I was tinkering with things and trying to fix a graphical glitch in CAS (thank you @desiree-uk for helping me out. You are a true gem 💎) and sorta messed up my Medieval save. I'm sure I could have fixed it. At this point though, I'd rather be building or playing not trying to find that one file out of my backups that I deleted. Playing Medieval is fun but OMG is it a pain in the arrrrse to keep Medieval. Praaven is beautiful. Hands down one of my favorites. But it is so big. It's takes and entire sim day for any sim to go basically to town. Makes it difficult to have organic interactions with townies. I know there are fixes and mods but I'm being stubborn and don't want to put in the effort I guess. Also, have been wanting to use some new and old mods that don't really work in a Medieval style world.
Going to try this world from @eisfee. @purplellama made some really cute lots for the world. Thank you for making them basically CC free. So I guess we're moving on to North Bend.
#ts3#mspoodle plays North Bend#what is this community group garbage on Tumblr#why can't they just be tumblr#and not try and be discord#the communities has a user limit#so that already is going to fracture and isolate groups#instead of making idk a community#So many dead discord servers#that I don't ever bother with it anymore#idk guess my old age is showing#lol
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My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)
When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.
She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.
She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.
She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.
...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.
Remember this line?
You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:
Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?
...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)
As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.
She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.
I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.
...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.
I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.
And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.
She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.
During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.
She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.
But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.
Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.
...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?
But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.
If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.
I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.
She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.
Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.
So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.
She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.
For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.
She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.
But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.
If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.
But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.
He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.
He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)
She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.
He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.
Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.
They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.
None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.
It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.
Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.
She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.
She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...
She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.
I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.
How much he loves her.
And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.
Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.
It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.
She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.
I feel like this moment here...
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/8c0805a24bc0aeef43e0a1291f60c46e/4a43e8e513720444-00/s540x810/bae7881c3dc25a6d74ae40f4ac99d231814f1c81.jpg)
-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.
Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.
And it's all thanks to Sonic.
If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.
Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.
He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.
Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.
Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.
They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.
"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
#piko rambles#sonic the hedgehog#amy rose#Meant to be platonic but I don't care if you tag as ship lol#I've been meaning to post something like this for the longest time now but never really got into posting it-#-because you guys REALLY hate seeing these two together for some reason.#Well not for SOME reason. There are valid reasons why you don't ship them. Everyone has valid reason why they don't ship this or that.#But sometimes those reasons can just sound so petty to me. Like the reason why is because Amy is a stalker or Sonic hates her which is FALS#Also those age gap arguments are understandable but so goddamn annoying sometimes. Maybe when they hit their late teens or early twenties-#then they can be together if they want to. Besides a good percentage of Sonic ships are better off if they waited til they're old enough im#I love them regardless of whether they're just friends or an awkward older cringe fail couple lmao#But them being just friends and hiding away all their emotions towards each other just to keep them safe and happy with them- 😭😭😭#Son/adow is my favorite ship of all time and sonamy is my favorite childhood ship/platonic ship because they both have one thing in common.#ANGST 😀#I've been thinking about Sonic and Amy's dynamic as of late and MAN-#Mixed with some personal headcanons of mine and their dynamic as of late just makes me so emotional.#Sonic and Amy have gotten so close now and it's so sweet but so heartbreaking at the same time when you think about it.#I'm so happy they are getting along better and being there for each other but there is so much to dissect here. So much to think about.#I might be a little silly but Amy losing her parents and being alone for so long and being the reason why she's always hanging onto Sonic-#-explains SOOOOOOOOO much about her. At least that's my headcanon for WHY that is.#Amy with abandonment issues speaks to me on a personal level. I'm always afraid of being forgotten or left behind by my family.#I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough no matter how hard I try. I do not blame Amy. I relate to her a lot. It's one of the many reasons#-why Amy is my favorite character besides Sonic and Shadow.#She fights hard to prove she's a valuable member of the team and hates getting left behind but despite all that she wasn't afraid to-#-express herself and her love for people. But after the Eggman War there was some changes that made her less expressive about her love.#Yeah she still loves Sonic but she doesn't admit it because none of that matters anymore and she thought that not being loved by Sonic#-is better than being loved since she nearly wasted her life loving someone who she thought has constantly bothered. 🥲#But I think after TMoStH I think she'll be less afraid of being expressive about it. She and Sonic are just so caring for each other 😭#I love these two way too much that when I think about them for too long I'll start SOBBING 😭😭 I'M EVEN SOBBING RIGHT NOW LMAO
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#kirby#kirby makes stuff#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#I knitted for many years before I learned to crochet#but I personally think crochet is waaaay better#unless I very specifically want a knitted look for something or I'm using the hand crank machine to make socks#I just don't knit anymore#cuz it hurts my hands and keeping the stitches on the needles is difficult for me#crochet only has one loop to lose at any given time and is much easier on my hands#(though still taxing)#(I finished knitting a sweater today and I'm not actually happy with it which is rare for me)#(but I don't want to bother to fix it right now cuz I'm so tired of knitting and I would need an entire extra month-of-work panel)#(but it's. wearable. so we're calling it done for now.)#(so that I can work on something else. crocheted.)#favorites
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morning toddheads
#look he did have fun#he liked it#*walter white voice* he liked it. he was good at it#you know what i do think he loved her a little bit too#final scene is so sad#everything faaaaalllllsss apaaaart#i guess when i say i don't think sweenett is love#i do think they love each other in their ways#but the lie about lucy is so enormous#so central#to have lucy still alive and badly needing help#and have nellie continuously hide that from a man who is GRIEVING HIS WIFE#and trying to avenge her#it bothers me a lot#so i think the betrayal at her lying to him is multifold#it's not just you LIED to me#it's YOU lied to me#i thought you were on my side#all our confidences and tender moments had this lie beneath it#who are you#even#idk. i'm writing my fanfic and im in my feelings#their relatinoship is so complicated#what is love anyway#WHAT IS IS LOVE#baby don't throw me in the oven#in the oven#anymore#text post meme#sweenett
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btw my headcanon for sophia amell in veilguard is that she has been 'oh no... I think your letter got lost on its way to me first warden... too bad, I'll just stay here in amaranthine until I hear from you, then.... is this a letter I see before me...... a tragedy. I can't read all of a sudden. my eyes. you sent a messenger? my messenger now I'm adopting them. no message received sadly try again'-ed all summons to go to weisshaupt, so she's in denerim with alistair when stuff starts to go to shit and at least they spend the impromptu superblight together. they may both be right on the edge of the calling (? we just don't know!) and ferelden might be about to fall, but at least they're king arthur and merlin-ing (erotic and romantic connotations) it up together at the end of the world and kissing and holding hands about it. and what more could I hope for for them. that's what beating the odds looks like for wardens I think.
there's a particular incident where she saves his life through the power of spirit healing and. maybe the guiding hand of Something that seems to still reside in the petals of the rose he gave her that she's worn in a little glass vial around her neck and that have not withered all these long years, and it inspires actual myths and romantic literary traditions and folk ballads and all sorts of nonsense that outlast them both. neither of them care tho they're just. hugging right now. drenched in darkspawn blood like the old days. resting their foreheads together. taking every moment they may have left just to be together. whatever you do don't go without me. wherever you go let me go too. and with you let me be buried, and where you go after that let me go with you then as well. (of course. of course. after all of this, where would I ever go without you. the one good thing about the blight is that it brings people together. the one good thing is that it brought me to you.)
#head in my hands. anyway they were never married officially of course but like. no one is in any doubt after that point lol#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: sophia amell#alistair theirin#warden x alistair#I think ferelden would also be so grateful to have one of the most powerful mages not only of her own age but of any#act as the shield of both the people and their mythically morale-boosting king that they're just like#'yeah I guess she's kind of an evil mage advisor whispering in his ear and everything. but she's our home-grown evil mage advisor'#('also she summons a MEAN thunderstorm. sweet andraste's fried nipples')#the *people's* eminence gris and honestly queen in all but name at this point why bother with playing it plausibly deniably cool anymore#everyone knows the king is a married man in all but law and foreign politics anyway let's dispense with the bullshit#for the duration of the blight double whammy at least lol#I've had the idea with her saving his life while he's king and there still being -- *something* in the rose (the hope the love)#that helps her do it for a looong time now but I could not have asked for a better opportunity than veilguard gave me#what's more romantic than this?????? nothing. nothing. love that has lasted a warden's lifetime and will last beyond#I don't even know if they eventually die during this I just know they're together no matter what. and that's all that matters
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I know the fandom is shrinking so it makes this even harder but are there active yr blogs who also contribute something to faves fest that doesn't include wilmon (besides like the two other blogs I can think of)? Or in general any blogs who post content of literally any other character? I seriously wanna know, are there Sara blogs, Felice blogs, etc? If so, I would love to follow them so in case you are and see this, please speak up
Or let me rephrase this: are there any people who are interested in including more Sara or Felice or other characters on their blog?
#young royals#sara eriksson#felice ehrencrona#i feel like I'm speaking into the void but I just had to try#2 years in the fandom and i have yet to come across more than one yr fanblog that isn't wilmon centric#and it only bugged me slightly before but it's bothering me more and more#i wanna see Felice gifs and pictures and sara and actually also august and wanna see people talking about them#just like they would do with wille and simon#and all that content is lovely but i wish i could curate my blog more specifically and diverse and less focused on one thing#i wish there was a community for the other main characters and also the side characters#i just want more variety#and idk if just nobody else does or if ppl got so intimidated by the vast amount of wilmon content they just never tried to go against it#i never complained about it either until recently but now it's probably too late to expect other content#I'm 2/3 years too late#problem in general is that people just don't reblog stuff anymore so how is something supposed to grow and be shown to others?#so any non wilmon stuff is just shared even less in the smaller fandom that we already have#and that is sadly not very encouraging#personal
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Mouthwashing Spoilers
TW: Addiction and Self Harm
I wanna go on about Swansea's final monologue but it's hard to put into words, but I'm gonna try anyways cause it's a short, but strong story about autonomy again. This post ended up significantly longer than I wanted though
It's the autonomy to choose the "less healthy" option because it's appealing to you. It's the moral assignment to normality and stability. An alcoholic is an alcoholic by choice, technically, but do they owe us otherwise? Is it morally reprehensible to enjoy taking LSD at a party? Should we see someone as less than because they relax with a xanax instead of a hot shower? It's not healthy. We know that. We've seen anti-drug ad after ad after ad. But is that the part that's morally wrong, in and of itself? Does enjoying the drugs and chaos make Swansea a worse person?
Like him talking about his entire life and ending it by saying between the "stable" "normal" life and him waking up every morning with a new hangover, he preferred the latter. People always talk about getting clean and fixing their lives and Swansea did it! He did the thing "good men" do! A wife and kids and a trade job and sobriety! He was doing it! He was finally "worth" something!
And he hated it! I mean I don't know if he actually hated/despised it, but he misses his previous life. He misses drugs and partying and living like you might not wake up the next day. He said the thing that changed him was seeing himself dead in a ditch under the bright beam of a streetlight. Now he's looking down the barrel of a gun. And as he looks down it, he looks back. That was his preference. It felt good to be like that. And he wouldn't be here if he stayed there
We always have a narrative about drugs or gambling or sleeping around where a person suddenly realizes that they aren't "doing anything" with their life and becomes stable and it's always played like addiction is a false pleasure. Swansea got to the stability people said would be the real pleasure of life and that just wasn't true for him. One bad paycheck could've been the difference between his stable life and falling apart anyways. His lifestyle was going to kill him someday apparently, yet he's staring down the barrel of a gun at his steady trade job to feed his wife and kids.
I don't know quite how to word it but Swansea is the poster child for rehabilitation. There's this weight to him saying his alcoholic period was the best time of his life. Like it just hits at that pang that makes people wear DARE shirts while smoking weed and post those videos of smoking 100 cigarettes at once. Anti-vaping ads tell you about the damage they do to your body but everyone knows that already. Everyone knows "this is what your brain looks like on drugs." I smoke medical marijuana and it isn't good for my lungs but it's good for my pain. Doing drugs isn't good for me and I know that and that's sorta the point sometimes.
I don't know it's just this weird pang where I know what Swansea means, just not to nearly the same extent. I don't have an addiction so I don't think I could fully understand it. Maybe a better thing I could relate it to for myself is self harm. It's not healthy sure, but who do I owe health? Myself? Other people? And what is healthy? Is it feeling better now? Is it resisting now and feeling worse for it until it stops? What if the coping skills I learn make it worse? What if they make it better? Do I want it to get better? Does Swansea want to get better? What would better feel like to either of us?
Who knows until you try. Swansea got a collared shirt, a mortgage, and a credit card. He got a job and a wife and kids. He got sober. He got healthier, depending on your definition.
But did he feel better? He's looking down a barrel of a gun and he has to decide if he feels better. It doesn't seem like he regrets his new life. He says he wants his kids to be better than him. He wants good things to happen for them. He saw himself as one bad slip away from falling again. I don't think he felt better though. I think he got healthier. He likely would've ended up in the ditch he dreamt about, but we don't know that. We also don't know if that's what he'd prefer. But, we do know he got healthier, depending on your definition.
#mouthwashing#tw addiction#tw self harm#It got a little personal in the end but I keep watching that scene cause it reminds me of a convo with my therapist#It's been a lil under a year since I last self harmed#but he told me that things like addictions and self harm are tools#they're neutral actions that either make you feel better or worse#and that's usually up to the circumstances around the action rather than the act itself#Taking narcotics might fill you with shame or make you feel giddy. Maybe even both#Self harm can make you feel embarrassed but cathartic#That's unhealthy#now what?#There needs to be something to replace that feeling or you'll just crave it until you can't stand the feeling anymore#And sure you can talk about will and self control but why? Who are they doing this for? Themselves? Friends? Family?#Cause there's so many factors that can make that difference and sometimes the answer is 'No one'#So you crave and is that healthier? I'm not saying to self harm again or break your sobriety#But there's gotta be something to replace it. AA and NA use a higher power and ppl use nicotine gum for smoking#Essentially what I'm saying is that it's not the end of the world to enjoy your addiction#Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. Wounds can get infected and drugs can be laced or you can OD#But is it morally wrong for Swansea to say those were the best days of his life?#Is it wrong for him to live the sober life and decide he preferred his alcoholism?#My therapist doesn't want me to harm myself. He'd prefer for me to learn new coping skills to replace it. And I did#The urges still come up for me sometimes. He says they come up for him too. Less so. But they do#He says a relapse could happen. What's wrong with that? You just start over with a new goal and a new skill. And if that skill is worse?#Well that original tool is there until you get a new one. It's not great but it feels better than a new bad tool#And maybe it's okay to fiddle with that old tool if you don't wanna bother with a new one again
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you know as a neurodivergent person I only have two fucking requests of anyone I consider a friend: 1) do not cold shoulder or get aggressively angry with me for something you didn't bother to communicate you had a problem with and 2) do not fucking infantalize me and treat me like a naive fragile broken child who is a burden on everyone in my life. shouldn't be too hard right??? insane how many neurotypicals are fucking incapable of doing the bare fucking minimum
#literally the only prerequisites i have for someone to be my friend#like if I love you legitimately everything else is a non issue. it doesn't even occur to me to get mad#and it's not even in a “sigh i will look past this for you” way. genuinely there's very little you can do to bother me if you're my friend#ill just assume you had good intentions#because i trust that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me if you're my friend so getting angry is pointless#but i genuinely don't know how to handle it when people i care about get mad at me. it scares the shit out of me#ugh i can't explain what i mean#but god some people really just don't give a shit once they dont need me anymore huh#it's the way they go out of their way to make me feel like a helpless 13 year old who can't do anything right again#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com#i swear if you manage to lose ME as a friend 9 times out of 10 there's smth seriously wrong with you#because i virtually have no standards and will put up with everything#and am the person who cares too much in almost every relationship in my life
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A lot of early concept stuff was expression/pose brainstorming - there’s the classic six Webkinz emotions (which, I learned have been largely pared down to just four after a point! Since they got rid of Dr. Quack’s role, there’s no more “sick” expression and most ‘Kinz’ tired and sad expressions are the same! >:0 What’s the point of having an easily editable puppet with the spaghetti code intact that you have to put an image there AnyWay and not make a slightly different expression!! H’f) as well as the main Sakura poses - so if I’m already making up expressions, why no go a little further! :D
One of the expressions I definitely needed up top was Mischievous - working with a cat, that’s the only logical conclusion really. I think it’s funny that she swerves the compliment only to pay it right back as well lol
The ticklish expression is one I’m still going back and forth on! I’m half tempted to have it be somewhere between happy and angry - maybe a mood gradient, starting out just positive and slowly moving into “Hey stop! >:0″ if it’s too many times in a row? It’s a thought haha
Similarly so, messing with her ears - bothering your pets is a very important element of socialization (lol)
As seen above, I’d reallyyy like to figure a way to have a dual-visual mood system - both the ‘Kinz body language/expression/emotion and a more exact stat bar. I’m still chewing on this idea a bit, no pun intended lol. That and click-and-drag with an actual image you can drag around your screen, hm and hm! Much to think about. Her face here turned out cute and funny haha, helped me push the expression more comedic
Much better :) Webkinz already has some well-known food dialogue, my favourite is probably “Mmm to the mmmax!” haha
Each low-mood would have their own emotion tied to it, but what about somewhere in the middle? I like the idea of the ‘Kinz getting bored if they’re left alone for too long! And little paw taps, showing off her embroidered paw pad haha ♪
#Doodles#Webkinz#Diamond#Ghostkinz#Ukadevlog#Diamond makes for an excellent concept art model#But y'already knew that haha she's featured a few times now! Plush or digital she's so cute#Of course these were made before her vectors! Had to start traditionally first and foremost!#All the bluesky stage so let's! see! what makes it to coding it lol#Some of these I even know how to do! :D The rest uhh we'll see :)#For now it's just the fun of Ideas >:3c Strong creative ideas cannot be fettered by realism! Lol#It'll be fun to see what makes it all the way to final! Heck I don't even know how much of what Actually Currently Finished will stay haha#I considered having the extra doodles under a cut but ehhh it's a cheat week it's fiiine it's not a big deal#How are we feeling on these mostly-unedited doodles haha - they're not too bad I think :)#The little intro in the first one haha - I went with my current in-game name even tho I use ''Willian'' for all my Ghosts this one included#It's a WillPlays but also not?? It's fine don't worry about it lol#Since pets are so centrally featured I gotta make sure they're good ahh#Smol actually came up with a great idea for face-clicks that aren't punches :3c So I'm gonna try that out sometime hehehe#It doesn't feel right to punch a 'Kinz! :'0 Bothering them is fine tho lol#So far I've thought up some ways to intentionally drop Happiness and Energy but I think Hunger would just have to be a waiting game#Maybe an activity of some kind? Not sure hmm#Anyway don't intentionally try to make your 'Kinz sick just to see the cute/sad blinking animations! That's mean!#(Do it I made the blinking animation soooo hard so every time they blink it's like she's struggling to keep them open ahhh)#I had the idea to have a run-away system if they're mistreated but hmmm dunno yet not sure#It really is fun to think of a more in-depth pet system ♪ I really like the many many features Webkinz Classic has!#The wide selection of pets and items and the room and clothes customization and games and like - there's a lot on offer!!#But it does really feel like the Interactions With Your Online/Plush Pet have fallen wayyy to the wayside :(#There's only extremely sparse locations you can even talk /to/ your pet anymore :( Not just as them like an avatar#I remember chatting with Sugar every time I logged on - I have to join a specific timed event just to wish Embroidery good luck anymore#Getting to chat is a big big reason I'm excited for this <3 It's /fun/ to chat with your plush! It makes them more real <3
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I'm once again seeing a programming-teacher talk about how useful generative-AI is for their work-flow.
And it's like... There are a lot of reasons to despise that stuff:
It's stealing things
You don't know from where it's stealing things
It'll lie to you to make itself look smart
Any info you give it it'll save for the future
And like. For a lot of people? That's plenty. That's more than enough to step away from generative-AI, and to condemn its usage.
But here's what kind of really bothers me about it?
Generative-AI is a capitalistic product
It's available for free
These massive companies are pouring millions of dollars into this thing, and it's... entirely free.
It's blatantly obvious that this is some kind of scam.
It could be a "rug-pull" where they'll suddenly start demanding that you pay them exorbitant prices for access to their models. Which would make sense, because "low prices to gain market-share, high prices after establishing a monopoly" is a tried-and-true method.
Except with all of these tech-companies all creating their own versions of the things? It's blatantly obvious that trying to gain a monopoly like this is doomed to failure.
That probably means that the "real" scam-idea needs to be something different.
And it's in thinking about this that I'm suddenly reminded of one specific piece of that initial list.
Any info you give it it'll save for the future
What... exactly does this mean? Where is it saving it? Is it running analytics on what your IP-address has asked it before? Does it know who you are? Can it guess what you're doing from your prompts?
And if the answer to these questions is "no", then how difficult would it be for a developer to change that overnight?
There's an old saying in the IT-industry that "if you're not paying for the product, you are the product".
How quickly do you think a programmer could get fired for aiding-and-abetting corporate espionage?
#generative ai#work#rants#i don't even bother speaking up anymore. bcs i know that these people are likely marinating in ''generative ai is amazing''-juice#everywhere they look. and i'm some random student with no experience in the industry. so why would my opinion matter?#but it's also like... they're teaching people to ''rely on a tool'' that WILL be taken away from them sooner or later#and... just... that doesn't sound like a great bit of advice. it'd be like saying ''use a calculator for everything. math isn't real''#and then expecting that calculators will just... magically appear whenever there's math to be done. for no extra cost. forever.#(which isn't the best comparison. bcs phones. but like. imagine if the calculator-makers were pushing this trend?)#(it'd be blatantly obvious to anyone with eyes that they're planning on hiking up prices to ridiculous levels.)
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(Ignore me I just gotta scream a bit before I lose my mind entirely)
#It's always 'do deep breathing' or 'go to therapy' or 'think it through logically'#and nobody ever acknowledges that all that shit works only to a point when the problem is an anxiety disorder#and not general life anxiety#and I cant fucking sleep because I'm worrying about dumb shit that is not my responsibility and over which I have no control#and this is me years in therapy#very calm breathing#having made a list#been medicated. The whole fucking thing.#But I'm still anxious and I don't know what else I'm supposed to DO anymore#And I'm TIRED but the only thing that keeps me calm is totally engaging my brain in something#which does not allow me to fall asleep.#and ill say to my mom like. ugh im so anxious its bothering me#and she tells me i need to address changing my medication#and im like yeah mom thats great and im gonna do that in a month when i go to the doctor for my prescription#but in this exact moment. future changes to my meds is not particularly helpful or comforting.#and i know im fucking reassurance seeking which im not supposed to do cause thats ocd#but god i just feel like i need someone to back me up here or like#idfk gimme a hug or something#anyways vent over im gonna play sudoku until i pass out#personal#vent#anxiety#general anxiety disorder#mental illness#not yr
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people were upsetting me in the comments on one of my fanfic chapters, so I just deleted it.
i was going to write 5 chapters, but since I deleted one, and don't feel like posting the other one now, I think it's fine to just leave it as a trilogy.
man.
i'm not sure.
am I losing my touch, or is that particular fandom really touchy?
i swear I never got this much complaining when I wrote durgetash porn...
maybe it's because that's a more adult fandom.
i don't know.
feels bad, though. kinda feels bad.
#archive of our own#I'm trying to brush it off now#I felt weird about that chapter in general bc its a character that I like and all but I don't super know how to write#but I thought it turned out ok in the end#but idk#I got like two angry comments from people who didn't realize where I was going with it#and one from someone who was previously complimentary#which is kind of the final straw#my thirteenth reason#like I'm not denying yeah it was a misstep and I felt weird about it from the beginning and all#I just thought it was fine#but I feel better about the 3 first chapters#I'm not writing for that ship again#I cant do it#this sucks tho#I feel like I was just so inspired for the first three chapters and then like#this deflated me#I was gonna write more of this ship but idk#maybe I just wont bother anymore#I'm clearly better at other ships#that one is a no go
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