#so i had to be careful not to slip up
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horrendously sick and twisted btw
#IT TEARS ME UP TO THINK ABOUT THE METEOR INCIDENT. I AM GENUINELY TORMENTED BY IT#slipping through his fingers.#it's crazy they were actually crazy for the whole meteor thing whoever thought of it needs to financially compensate NOW#i love you so much ill break every rule if it'd mean you'd be happy with me. run away with me#here i am im setting you free im giving you everything you want. could i be part of that? could i be part of what you want#till slips through ivan's fingers. world has now completely shifted#and he can't even be mad. not properly#because this is why he loves till in the first place. he just cant give up on what he cares about. he'll never stop fighting for it#ivan smiles like. this is why it's you#a lot has been said about the meteor scene already but that doesnt stop me from going insane over it#freedom means nothing if till isn't there with me WHAT IF I SHOOK YOU LIKE A RATTLE BOY#ivan was well off. he was eating at feasts. given fine clothes. groomed clean and celebrated for his achievements#yet he was willing to throw it all away#thinking about how they'd probably live on the streets again. struggle to get by on their own as lost little children#their lives would be closer to the one ivan lived in the slums#except the difference would be till. back then he had nothing. if till ran with him he'd have everything#and yet till turns and runs the other way and ivan follows him because of course he does. theres nothing else he'd rather do#any kind of suffering is worth it as long as its for you#till is stubborn. he's persistent. he can't let go.#well fortunately (or unfortunately) so is ivan. incredibly persistent#so here we go again. back in this prison brushing past one another knowing we almost had it all#I WILL GRAB YOU BY THE BOWLCUT AND WRING YOU AROUND LIKE A JOYSTICK BOY!!!!#YOU MAKE ME ILL!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!#alnst#alien stage#alien stage ivan#random ramble sorry i have Feelings
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My supervisor at work just made me hop on a call with her, demanding me to explain to her why I was "ignoring her messages" last night. You wanna know what time her first message came in? 5:04 PM. You wanna know what time my shift ends and I shut down my computer for the night? 5:00 PM. Now, anyone with half a brain and especially someone with readily-available access to my schedule and my clock punches could probably suss out the reason I didn't respond to those messages, hmm? And yet there I was, having to defend myself with simple facts that she could have figured out herself if she had taken one fucking second to look! Oh, and of course there was no apology from her afterwards either, because why would there be? It's not like she was wrong or anything, because oh, my status in Microsoft Teams still showed as "available" for a second when she messaged, I'm sorry. Because that never takes a few minutes to automatically update or anything. So the lesson here wasn't "maybe put in the tiniest amount of research before coming at one of your employees with instant accusations", no, it's that I need to make sure I manually set my status to offline in Microsoft Teams when I leave for the day.
I have been at my job for 5 years, and in that time, I have had 6 supervisors. I've never kept the same one for too long, and I'm hoping that trend continues because this is the first supervisor I've had that has actively made me hate my job. 🥲
#I swear she is devoid of any sympathy#she is the first supervisor I've had that is constantly on everyone's asses about metrics#like we work in a pharmacy and specifically on a specialized team to provide extra care to patients with more complicated therapies#so sometimes we have to spend a good amount of time on one patient to make sure they get what they need#every supervisor I've had up until now has understood that we can't always get through a ton of people in a day#but no with this supervisor if any of our numbers slip it's an instant ''tell me why this happened and make sure it doesn't happen again''#she doesn't care about the patients at all#it's all about churning through as many account as possible to get those number high!#who gives a shit about if patients are getting everything they need? line on graph must go up!#oh! and she's also my first supervisor to berate me for taking a sick day!#I'm sorry for taking one day to recover after I barely slept because I was up all night puking my guts out! how selfish of me!#I should have just toughed through my misery so that the number on the graph would keep going up! it won't happen again your majesty!
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#Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Mmmmmhhh#I had to step away and do something very quick after watching the episode so now I'm afraid I forgot all of it lol#Okay thoughts:#I'm afraid I'll keep saying this every time. Do not. Give me. An amv opening. Don't do that. Postpone your airing date. I don't care#I feel like I wasn't as pissed with it when they did that for s3 but it's probably a case of the s3 opening at least looked somewhat–#better (??) + you can make a mistake once but don't think I will let it slip a second time#Other than that... To be fair this episode was animated fairly well. I think you can really notice a big quality drop after the–#Ranpo-realizing-who-Kamui-is sequence but overall it's more than okay.#The colours of the ship irk me a little but to be fair I never thought colours were b/sd anime strong point...#This episode was sooooooo political in so many ways I could literally talk about it for hours#(don't test me I'm not kidding. Talking about politics in anime for hours is something I've done in the past and will do in the future.)#(Then again I study/think/breathe politics pretty much 24/7 so is that really surprising... )#I need to write an essay on Fukuchi's speech alone. The public speech communication techniques [redacted Italian politics comment].#The way he's welcomed [redacted eu parliament comment]. Unfortunately I don't have time for it but breaking it down very quickly#1. Suggesting to unify defences worldwide is INSANE. No one would ever take it. Probably going to be cynical here but there's one (1) thing#states care about and it's the independence of their own sovereignty (that is: no one has the right to come and tell what must be done–#within one's borders). Eu has been trying to do exactly that (unify defences) for decades to no avail. Nato is on the brink of crumbling–#down. It's just... Such a distant perspective from how the world works right now? Idk.#Which brings me to 2. Even if it's deeply inconsistent with how world politics work the bsd un perspective is still very coherent with–#a latter thesis brought up in the manga that is “countriest tend to merge and come together” which is. Very anti-historical if you ask me–#but idk. Beautiful to imagine I suppose.#What else uhm... I liked the drawings this episode... Even Atsushi was back being pretty at some points... (Generally not really a fan of–#what the style in the later seasons came to be). Also 55 Minutes reference ‼‼‼#I like Fukuchi's character so much......... I love idealist characters... And the inherent loneliness... The longing... The yearning!!!!!!#I love him so. Oh and I LOVED Akutagawa. I thought his entrance wouldn't have impacted me after all this time (and after knowing–#what episode 3 will be lol). And yet it was such an emotional moment!!!! What do you mean Atsushi is scared to be alone and Akutagawa is–#coming for him!!!!!! I'm crying all my tears. And Akutagawa was so cool in the end!!! By heart was beating so fast!!!!!#It's the etheral blurred light...#The way he still manages to come off so cool despite being inherently pathetic is nothing short to miraculous
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A birthday gift for my wonderful bb gf who I love very very much, @xannerz!! Hector and her character, Anya! 💖❤️🩹
#I love you!!! giving you so many keeses#😚 peck peck peck#I wanted to go in a hurt/comfort direction w/ this one and I rly enjoyed getting to draw this scene + interaction btwn them!#tangled the series#hector#anya#my art#gift art#I already told Xan on disc ofc but:#my idea/thought was this is set sometime post-series#Hector gets reckless/sloppy in some fight (maybe slips a bit mentally) and they get to Talk while Anya patches him up#how many times has Hector had to take care of his own injuries#when was the last time he had someone to bandage him or chide him for endangering himself#y'know 🥺#lil meow meow#ANYWAY I LOVE YOU AGAIN BB#cw injury#cw blood
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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Ugh how do I live in this house ＼(_ _)
Rant in the tags ignore me :3
#mizu's messy life#this is so-#brother got fired from his SIXTH job#no call no show just because he had a bad day the day before. he slipped and apparently that's grounds for skipping#without telling anyone#on top of that he's been lying ab every little thing#hasn't been showering or brushing his teeth and YES I know this is somwthing that comes with depression#but he doesn't have depression#mr. i'm so depressed and the only thing that makes me feel better is playing xbox with friends for 16 hours a day#_(._.)_ and then my dad#oh my fucking god#he voted for trump because after his 'research' (watching fucking red neck tik toks) 'his ideals match up' !?!? what fucking ideals??#three different times if I hadn't escaped the situation#I would've been forced to either get out of the country for an abortion or fucking die#my body wouldn't be able to handle pregnancy#three different doctors have told me that#tellin me to be careful if I get another bf or something#LIKE HELL YOUR IDEALS MATCH HIS you voted your three daughters right away because you're a fucking moron#he hasn't been home since election but my fucking god if I fucking see him soon#honestly close to going for a second degree with a job needed abroad so I can gtfo in a way I can afford#(/´△`＼)don't mind me I'm in a bad mood all of a sudden cause dad called ugh#it's my secret account so I'll just leave this here
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Latest update in the bottom surgery saga is that I finally got the revised version of the updated letter and it is still not correct so I am still waiting on it.
Third time is the charm hopefully.
But also I am just. The number of hoops I am having to jump through just to get paperwork filled out correctly is fucking ridiculous.
Also this is not even a make sure the letters are flawless standard. It's not even counting how the letters have some factual errors or have the same sentence two times in a row or are clearly the person did not even make a skimming attempt at proofreading this because half the sentences are absolute nonsense. Like this is just. Things that do not meet the requirements and would get it rejected. Sure you can have my "they/them gender identity" it's close enough I don't care please put your signature on the paper.
#the bottom surgery saga#actually i am lying a little bit i do care that the letter is thst much of a mess because it leaves a lot of room for it to be rejected#by insurance but at this point i just need the letter in so my consult doesn't get canceled i can get the dr to write a new letter if#and when this one gets rejected by insurance#it's only a problem if the people who need the letter say it is#“its not the 'affirming my female gender identity' that one of the other letters had” is what i tell myself. at least this one does not#misgender me#although I suspect that's because this one has they/them as the default template pronouns#while that other letter was clearly a default she/her trans woman letter template#one day i may write up the journey ive gone through to get all my letters#when i say that the only problem with one of my letters is that it says i am both 29 and 31 bc there was a slip up in updating it#and that i just did not care because everything else was fine#this is where we are at. the bar is abysmally low
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THE BEST OF TUCHANKA: BOMB
Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Maj. Kaidan Alenko, Lt. Cmdr Ashley Williams, and Lt. Tarquin Victus With: Flight Lt. Jeff "Joker" Moreau And a Special Guest Flashback Appearance by: Spectre Saren Arterius Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation… an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades- you wither and die. Your extinction is inevitable: you exist because we allow it- and you will end because we demand it. Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#kaidan alenko#ashley williams#jeff joker moreau#saren arterius#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 3#me3#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#ash’s expressions on the shuttle give me life bc i know she’s so fucking done with the bullshit#i can feel her visibly rolling her eyes as she turns around (and you can’t see kaidan’s face but i just know he and cortez are so done too)#certifiably done with the mission’s bullshit before it’s even begun atp bc they definitely all shared a 😒 when the call ended#but onto our regularly scheduled ranting: tuchanka bomb is the better half of the mission duo bc of the virmire parallels (IMO)#(lol mira liking virmire parallels?? who would have guessed??)#obviously it hurts more when you lose one of them on virmire (COULD NEVER BE ME BC I LOVE THEM BOTH TOO MUCH AND WOULD NEVER)#but like? god tuchanka bomb hits so much different when they’re WITH you and you think back to virmire#especially for soph bc in her canon she sets the bomb and tells normandy to evac the ash and kaidan at the AA tower and leave her behind#so idk for bomb it’s like that moment of watching victus go down and flashing back to virmire and how she should have gone down and didn’t#like the whole “victory- at any cost” line- that moment of watching victus make that split second decision to take down the bomb?#and him knowing he wasn't going to make it out? and having that moment on the shuttle of remembering that that was almost her?#the parallel of her same split second decision to set the bomb to take down the facility on virmire when saren showed up?✨poetic cinema✨#so idk i have a lot of feelings about bomb tbf bc of how it ties into virmire canon and how that fight with saren should have been her last#since virmire was her lightbulb moment she realized she had people she cared about again and she was willing to die so they could live :')#and in this playthrough unironically tuchanka bomb is the first time she gets to work with both of them again :')))))#also mass effect 1 is my favorite game and i will take any and every opportunity to rant about it (and slip it into/quote it in my gifsets)#and sorry i keep doing massive lore drops and rants in the tags LMAO?? (but thank you if you read them!! i love you 🥹)
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i feel like the logical next step to watanuki being mentally ill in two day old eyeliner and expensive heirloom kimono worn as loose fitting loungewear is watanuki being mentally ill in two day old eyeliner and expensive red or purple or black lace trimmed negligees that have a low neckline but maybe thats just me
#LIKEEEE its the same genre if you think about it#not replacing one with the other just considering several delectable options#i like how everything i come up with for this goober is like the logical next step from canon it pleases me in my brain#although sometimes its with a little bit of protection added in or like just me wanting to mix things up a bit#i like to imagine half of my headcanons for watanuki would make clamp very pleased and the other half would confuse them#thats how i like it#it reflects my opinions about their decisions#aNYWAY like#it doesnt have to be expensive ones but he'd probably favour high quality so maybe 90s vintage#imagine one day its just a bit too hot and hes like is there anything that covers any LESS surface area#idk why but watanuki kinda strikes me as the type to be really really slutty but almost never be actually FULLY shirtless like its always um#like. underboob. sideboob. innerboob. not that he has much of any of the above but its a great styling choice#i love when watanuki is thriving but him waking up at 6pm to go have a near death experience and flirt noncommittally with a man is so#its clear he does also care about his appearance also while ALSO giving the vibes of a walking talking dissociating disaster#anyway i think whether rou content is implied or not its hitsuzen that hed eventually wear silk slips with black lace or whatever#for convenience#totally just convenience#nothing else#somewhere out there a fictional 7 foot tall gay man just had a heart attack#xxxholic#i feel like he would also suit dresses with like the hanging low neck that pools at the bust#you know like#the one valentina wore for yes sir i can boogie#i could probably pick 5000 other comparisons easier to grasp but iykyk#he has legs perfect for super short and super long items of clothing the lucky bastard#he also has the type of legs that would look very good wrapped around a certain other characters shoulders#but you didnt hear that from me#it was the wind#the wind is a fujoshi i guess#good for her!!!! good for her
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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this is like my fourth or fifth consecutive bad gym session I might as well just kill myself
#was fine when it was bc of my wrist injury just frustrating that i was so limited in what i could do#but its mostly better now and i still feel like im not doing anything near what im capable of i dont fucking know whats holding me back#both physical limitation and also i just have no grit at the moment. lost my mojo :-(#well ik itll take a while until my wrists are fully functional again and i probably am still healing so its partly that#and just a lot on my mind lately. im usually fine at work but for some reason the gym makes me ruminate n i get so frustrated n miserable#by the end of a session and ppl start to annoy me bc they act like they can read me n make wildly wrong assumptions abt how im feeling#and then im reminded that even ppl i consider good friends consistently do the same no one actually knows me at all i guess#and it makes me feel very unloved and upset but whatever its all on me bc i cant communicate in ways other ppl can understand#and i dont trust or feel safe around other ppl so i just alienate myself and fold myself up around the immense distress it causes me yayyy#and ill be thinking this shit at like 8:30pm halfway up a wall and demotivate myself and slip and graze an elbow or whatever#ughhhhhh. and then i cycle the whole way home until i get thru the door and start sobbing idk how many times this is now#i have a stupid headache and im going to be so fucking tired at work tomorrow im going to bed.#its fine really. im not actually depressed anymore i dont think. these are just my regular old wounds ive had since the dawn of time#and i just have this dumbass fucking brain that for some reason instead of giving me endorphins and a high from exercise as a reward#just makes me really sad instead. maybe im just not eating enough around when i workout idk like it could be low blood sugar#and i am mildly worried abt some things bc well. they could be very very difficult for me to deal with if they happen. and if they do#happen well thats good in other ways but i have to be prepared to take some major fucking hits. ive only recently started to feel like ive#mostly recovered from how fucking shite this summer has been after the mental damage done in may/june. i cant spend another season there#can i just catch a fucking break like forever please. and a shoulder to cry into im so touch deprived its unreal who even cares anymore#fine reallt tho i promise just worked myself up innit. ugh. anyway gn#.diaries#.vent
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something i was thinking about on stand yesterday.. danganronpa shsl lifeguard who tries to save a dying person they find, bonus points if they dont come clean about it at first because they think they actually killed that person with their efforts
#or if they do actually kill them which would be really tragic. this happens in chapter 4 of course#ok i actually put way too much thought into this. to put it into perspective i had shifts with 5 hours on stand saturdsy and sunday#i thought of it on saturday 20 mins in. so this concept has been in my brain for a while#anywayyy im thinking she had some pretty high profile eddie aikau type saves and got a little famous off that#AND is always offering to help people#so for the sake of writing another tragic athlete yuri ch4: i think the victim in her case is someone who is adamant about not wanting help#like a woman playing a sport typically seen as being manly (american football rugby wrestling etc etc)#im imagining shes from a family of pretty good (male) athletes and is constantly dealing with comparisons to portray her as weaker#she wont accept help or medical assistance because she thinks it makes her weak. which is a trait female characters should have more#so you get two really valid worldviews and its debatable whether the victim actually needed medical assistance/help or if it#just made things worse#anyway im imagining the ending of the previous chapter shows a black screen with#'unknown: hey hey are you okay?'#and ms life guard tries to give her situationship a slightly dignified resting place so we dont discover the body for a little while#not too long but a little while#actually i think the lifeguard killing the athlete with chest compressions would make a really compelling scenario#where the actual person with murderous intent was someone who poisoned or near-fatally hit the athlete#and they get to walk free (under extreme suspicion from other students) while the girl who got sooo close to saving her dies#lifeguard could be someone whos easily distracted but locks in while on duty to the point where shes like a different person#but slipping up and breaking the athletes rib (or whatever) was her one moment of panic#because she cared about the victim on a personal level#i neednto be sedated so i shut the fuck up. tomorrow is the first day of school bro#i DID say i had 10 hours to think about this
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sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)
i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care
#signed: vika's ghost#also i've caught a cold so there's that too#terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit#it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace#creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more#— in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless — to remember what they felt like at all#i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons#and i miss talking to my fandom friends#(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day)#and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting#and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun.#kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts;#da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY#jack & kp specifically i love your stuff#also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point#really，i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun#take care，remember me fondly，i'll be back，please stand by#if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something.#idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever#vikarambles#vent
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there are many positive things to say about the use of it/its pronouns in the murderbot diaries but something i personally appreciate is that it has taught me so much about myself. mainly that i am a dumbass who is apparently incapable of using its and it's correctly unless i use about 98.2% of my brain's processing power solely to focus on that little apostrophe.
#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#listen i really like that murderbot uses it/its#and that most (all?) other non-humans seem to do too??#i'm so used to seeing 'it/its' being used as an indicator that characters don't see someone as a person#and it was really refreshing to see it used in tmd in a different way#like yeah murderbot doesn't see itself as HUMAN because it isn't#but it is a person and the humans that care about it use it/its for it too while being aware that while yes it isn't human#it is very much a person#idk i really like it#but come on#why is this so fucking difficult to me#the number of times i looked at a message or a post or tags i had typed out confidently#only to see that i used the wrong form SEVERAL times#i do sometimes slip up with you're and your when i am tired and/or typing quickly#but the its/it's thing happens every other time i use it sjdfhsjkdfhkjdfsfkj#𓄿
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i am so serious i need to find some tips for autistic people to get stuff done when all passion has gone out the window. past exam seasons i haven't had much of a focus for my energy, so whilst it's hard to study like that, i can kind of concentrate everything on work. this time all i can think of is something unrelated (my silly bands) and logically i know that this is my whole degree at stake but autistically i can't get myself to do it. this is so stupid to type out but i'm realising that discipline means nothing to autistic obsession
#is this what a dsa-approved support mentor is for#should i show up to a meeting for the first time and say hey i really like this music which unfortunately has lore and fiction attached#so now i can't do my engineering#help. somehow i expected myself at age 21 to be able to not slip into obsession like this and it's honestly embarrassing to admit that i do#i'm over on my sideblog like 'yeah haha great music and sex/y guy' but it's always so much more than that#like something i want to get lost in completely#ngl i hate the term 'special interest' because it makes me feel like a child#and i've always seen it talked about as something positive#but to me it's really not#going to say something soo cringe pathetic but sometimes i hate whatever currently has my attention in a death grip because i wish#that i cared this much about something real#my education and social life#sports etc#i did part 2 of a medical trail today. had experimental drugs injected in me. that's a big event#got home and haven't thought about it once because i'm just here listening to music and pretending like life is paused#KJHDBKHBSD this site was so great pre-diagnosis for its positivity abt autism but now im like wow it actually sucks (autism not tumblr)#if i were just a little more severe i could be obsessed with electronic circuits like i'm supposed to be#but noo#😭😭😭😭 rant over#... i'm going to look at some band posts
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On Day 4 of my No Napping streak 😊
#yall dont understand how bad my napping problem was#and im not even joking. for the last dour years i can count on two hands the amount of days i didnt nap#literally most of the last four years has been sleeping#but recently i got burnt out and slept for two days straight with like. two breaks to take care of my dog#(i have a sibling who also cares for the dog i havent been neglecting him)#and that whole mess reset my sleep schedule (i slipped into sleeping during the day and staying awake all night for a couple weeks)#and made it so i dont have to nap i guess because i haven't needed to#its been super weird. i have so much more time now and its hard to fill it#one day i went to the coffee shop and walgreens and the coinstar machine. and did laundry and other tidying#yesterday and today ive cooked whole meals. yesterday it was tortellini and broccoli and garlic bread#like idk how to explain it but thats so out of character for me#literally every day of my life for the last four years has been wake up. to go to work. stay up all night maybe. sleep until work#but now im... getting better i think? it seems better#i have an hour before i have to get ready for work (going in early because theres a bar crawl today and the other concierge wants help)#so im debating between playing on my phone in bed and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight coming from my window#or doing some cleaning and packing. i kind of want to do this because yesterday i had a nightmare that it was moving day and i wasnt ready#it was terrifying. so yeah ill probs get in some cleaning#wish me luck tonight! its saturday (busiest day of the week) and a bar crawl (the literal worst)
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