#so i feel is legit to do it here lol)
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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Happy new year!!
Some doodles I did today to unwind + test a lineart brush
#Dungeon meshi#mithrun#chikchuck tims#Laios please I swear you’re my fave I’ll draw you next Laios I promise Laios no don’t leave-#The mithrun one is so low resolution… Well it was supposed to be a quick doodle after all#Maybe i should post these sort of sketches I do more often#Coloring Chilchuck felt like therapy legit. Thank you dad#The mithrun one is a little fucked up but idk. It’s so aesthetic to me. Enjoy the many vers lol#Idk how long i’ll keep the new icon though#Hey my art style are you Chilchuck’s wife? Because I can’t help but feel like you left me for no reason#Jkjk my art style crisis usually stops whenever I just draw for the sake of it with no goal in mind lmao. Which is why I should do it more#Often!! I am so stubborn & stupid. Doing that shall be my New Year resolution ig#Y’all still here? Uhhh uh happy holidays good day!!
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grabbing fistfuls of my own hair rocking back and forth repeating to myself like some kind of fucked up wizardly enchantment you should care about womens sports because its literally the same fucking sport why do i have to bend over backwards to convince you to care about womens sports like at an abstract level it is the exact same fucking thing and yet you cannot bear to possibly watch it unless you think the women are hot or there is some sort of social gain why is it so hard for you to care about womens sports when they are literally doing all of it better than the men
#i stand by my belief that womens sports are more entertaining anyways but i know that is somewhat personal preferences so ok! fine!#but they are the same then!#obviously yes there are legit differences in ~style~ and such based on the way different sports have evolved#ex: female basketballers are statistically better shooters than male basketballers#but like the sport itself is practically identical so why is it so fucking impossible for some people#to get interested in a sport they claim they love#just because women are doing it#i'm not sitting here like 'mmm how do i convince people to watch women's sport' like a legit plot#i'm just baffled i really don't understand#i mean i do understand of course but i'm just tired of it being this way lol#i want to talk to more people who have the level of brainrot i have about women's sports and it feels like everyone i know well#is just not that interested in the women even though they're interested in the men#of course there are people online but i get self-conscious and i don't know anyone well enough to truly go to the depths of my own brainrot#this is just a combination of genuine frustration but also my own loneliness lol#< wayyy more dramatic than it actually is for the record i'm not like lonely lonely#i just want someone who actually understands why i go nuts over this and who i feel comfortable spamming about it 😭#blah blah blah words
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you can always tell the people who give social media advice who are naturally or conventionally attractive even without even having to look at a photo of them cause they're always the ones that recommend showing your face in reels or videos to promote your art and it's like,,, talk about pretty/skinny privilege lol
#it's one of those days folks#brb going on an extreme diet (jk but not really)#okay but really. all jokes aside Even if I WAS thin or lost a bunch of weight...#I'm still just fundamentally unattractive enough that I think i would lose insta followers if I showed my face in reels or posts 🥲#idk I know it's better for the algorithm but eh. i don't want to subject my subscribers to having to look at me lol#and I would wear makeup but I'm so bad at putting it on that I look worse with it on 😭😂#If i was good at make up i legit wouldn't leave the house without it#that said. i do have decent skin health 🤔 I get like. less than 1 pimple a year IF that. So that's something to be grateful for i suppose#but if a genie offered me a chance to be pretty for ONE day but in exchange I had to give up ALL my talents. interests. personality. etc#and i could never get those aspects of myself back for the rest of my life...#I would 100% take up that opportunity LOL 👍#anyway feel free to ignore me I'm not looking for compliments (I don't think anyone on here even knows what i look like?)#(which is by design lol and trust me. be grateful you don't have to look at my face haha)#I'm just venting into the void bc a mutual on insta did a reel where she showed her face and I was like#*shocked pikachu face* oh she's pretty#oh. oh so THAT's why i never should show my face. I'm pretty toad-like in comparison 😂
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once in a while when i'm in the murderbot fandom tag i see a shark fin of ship discourse and i'm like wrow... i guess there's shipping out there. so anyways.
#murderbot#shipping container#<- that's my shipping tag lol. for filtration purposes. cuz i often find shipping & ship discourse tiresome#and i know others do too so feel free to blacklist that tag dear followers#would anyone around here like a nice block button in this trying time#just saying#tbh this goes for any content and/or asshole strangers if it's not yr thing just blacklist/block move on#once you embrace the block button you too can swim unperturbed through the waters of tumblr dot com#i'm just looking at Cool Fanart and Fun Poasts here#legit idk what kind of trash fire the main fandom tag might be looking like as far as discourse goes#cuz to me it's pretty chill#the only hints i get are the occasional shark fin referencing some drama that i can't see. love that for me.
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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2005 Brazilian Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(aka me crying over an almost 18 year old race)
#I DIDNT REALIZE WHEN STARTING THAT THIS WAS THE RACE WHERE NANDO WON HIS WDC AAAAAA#pls me not legit tearing up over a race from almost 18 yrs ago#i feel validated bcs they just mentioned that the renault crew are crying AAAAAAAA#ive actually never watched a vid of his celebration(cause 'spoilers' lol) so hearing him yell the YES CMONN CMONNNNN made me ;;;;#hearing them talk abt all the 'youngest' records hes won at this points makes me teary#also also also 'first ever spanish wdc' AND HE STILL IS THE *ONLY* RAHHHH#ig its mostly bcs its rly cool to be able to watch these old seasons and celebrate them#but then also be able to tune into the current season and still be able to cheer for him and see him achieve even more#sobbing crying at him here saying that this wdc is the max he can achieve and then having just witnessed him reach his 100th podium last wk#(also fernando winning his first wdc and then missing out on his 3rd almost a decade later at the same gp sobbing crying)#2005 brazilian gp#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#formula one#(2005: 17/19 races watched)#fa14#renault#giancarlo fisichella
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Me pondering: kids are capable of going through and understanding complex problems and their feelings should be taken seriously when it counts.
Me practically: who are all these annoying fucking kids in the milgram fandom and why are they posting the worst takes and most irrelevant bullshit I've ever seen ever???
I think these are valid to coexist.
#haterposting sorry lile kids like amane?#w ACTUAL maturity and intelligence? yes hear them out!!#some 13-year-old posting drivel about “ships” when it's completely irrelevant#or missing the point of very complex plot points bc they are Literally Not The Age Demographic and Actually Dont Understand It?#im SO SORRY i am not gonna b mean to anyone but I WILL HATE THEM FROM AFAR#GO BACK TO BNHA OR DANGANRONPA U ARE ACTUALLY MAKING THE SPACES LOWER QUALITY BY BEING HERE#like obviously it does not matter at all lmao kids will do whatever#i was watching bojack horseman at 13 thinking i was So Smart i don't get to talk#but to be fair i NEVER missed the point as bad as some milgram kiddies in the YouTube side of the fandom#like no “wrong” way to enjoy things but imo they legitimately need to enjoy something else#but literally if your only takeaway from this project is “omg ship cute characters silly”#but you still insist on joining discussion spaces? god please leave#I DON'T HATE MINORS I DON'T DISCRIMINATE i just think the minors who legitimately have nothing to add should shut the fuck up#sorry livechat got me wildin lmaooooo idc that much but like it's a weird contrast#cuz my general genuine feelings for most situations is “yeah listen to kids' perspectives wholeheartedly”#but like ONLINE kids who post about nonsense that has nothing to do with what others are trying to discuss? godddd they legit need to leave#nothing against shipping either long as ur not Gross#(coughbitchesshippingwholeadultawunderagecharacterscough)#but if that's ALL YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT there are way better fandoms for that leave the milgram creators aloooone lmao#minors who actually Think about shit this does not apply to you obviously lol#if ur smart ur smart if you contribute u contribute#but like try to let urself be a kid sometimes too lol
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since steddie twitter disk horse is poisoning the well again, let me remind you
- if you spend your time harassing or CaLliNG ouT people in the fandom over fanfiction and shit, you’re the dumbest person alive. Like, I want you to imagine the dumbest person you have ever met and imagine they suddenly somehow got even dumber. That’s you!
- i have yet to see in my 20 years of fandom an actual post accusing someone of FeTiSHizING MLM that wasn’t just i don’t think women should be able to write about men because they’re icky with extra steps. You have a better chance of convincing me you’re josh hartnett in an easter bunny costume behind that screen than convincing me you actually know what the word fetishize means
- if you send me hate messages, anon or not, i’m gonna delete and block you because i don’t speak whiny little pissbaby, but just know i’m also going to screenshot it and have a nice chuckle making fun of you behind your back to all my friends
#steddie#these are the laws of my blog so if you disagree why the fuck are you here lol#also if you do this#i legit feel sorry for you because your life must be so fuckin sad#like legit sad
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Does anyone understand how to organize. Like how to make it work. Like how to keep spaces clean and your body clean? Does anyone know how to fight back the ever stronger rip tide of filth and clutter that takes over them? Also I'm sleepy.
#i barely have any belongings here and i still live in a fucking mess#i can barely work on my computer because the files are so disorganized. i think im just too stupid to have a good job#and like not to be one of those but i was in gifted. like the implication here was that i would beable to like. bare minimum make it.#and im nooooooooottttttt im not maaakiiiiiinnnnggg ittttt. im runing out of optionnnnnnnsssss#maybe ill just move back to the US and load boxes for fed ex again#but that also ended in my living space becoming almost unlivable#i like. i do t get how people do all these things and no body like can seem to fucking tell me why its so fucking impossible for me D:#like i TRY i really do fucking try. i dont understand. it makes me want to just fucking kill my self no joke. like i no matter what i do i#cant keep a space clean. i cant keep anything nice i break everything i touch and i fail everything i try because something Bout me is just#broken! and bobidy fucking cares! i dont want to be like this. i want to have plants and i wanna smell nice and i want my room to be pretty#and not have fucking bigs all the time#i dont understand i feel like im some fucking avatar for the filth magnusarchives style likw everything about me is dirty#i rot everything i touch. i#legit crying now lol. i just want to be able to be a human. i dont feel like a human. humans care about their environment they can keep#spaces clean. human organize naturally. why am i not human like that?
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I found this one on Pinterest and it made my day <3
#alex vincent#fiona dourif#andy barclay#nica pierce#its so cute!!!#their smiles are cute#andy x nica#barclaypierce#( im adding ship tags to this one#only because the page were i found it#had it tagged like this#so i feel is legit to do it here lol)
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Sonetto and Ulu from Reverse 1999
Athena Cykes: her Maid costume is orange. I will fight to the death for this. SHE IS ORANGE!!!!!
Also Nami from one piece, all her outfits may not have orange in them but she is literally known for tangerines.
Sonetto, Ulu, and Nami have been queued, but you're gonna have to fight me on Athena, 'cause I've legit been waiting for someone to request her from day one
She's yellow because Phoenix and Apollo are blue, so all together they're the primary colors, and her Trés Bien costume won't be enough to convince me, since Maya and Mia wear it, and you can't tell me they're orange too?
I'll queue Athena, but I won't cave that easily. I'm gonna need to see some real solid evidence to convince me /lh
Everyone else was queued tho :D 🍊
#all of this is /nsrs btw#its just#as an ace attorney obsesser#i need to stand my ground#if youre really that passionate abt it tho then be my guest! convince me!#im always willing to change my mind!#not orange#orange ask answer#legit tho im actually not trying to be mean here so if youre upset by this PLEASE tell me the last thing i wanna do is hurt someones#feelings over some stupid shit like this#srry for the long tags lol im just obsessedly terrified of hurting peoples feelings w/o realizing
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I have it SO in my head that Gokudera LOVES talking about his s/o like crazy but it's hard to do that with his besties because Yamamoto is private and Tsuna is shy and so eventually he will turn to the women to gush about the love of his life. I'm talking real teehee. "Where did you have your first kiss?", "first time!?" Type of talk. I also think Hana and Haru EAT THAT UP with him, and he has a good time because they reciprocate. Kyoko is super shy, so she hangs back and listens. She feels like she'd get super embarrassed just talking about wanting to hold her s/o's hand so talking about kissing and sex is SO off the table!! Chrome is also listening and hanging back because she doesn't feel the need to comment but if asked she'd answer.
Anyway I wrote all this to say IMAGINE THESE ADULTS LOOKING LIKE THIS AND GIGGLING:
I need to draw the scene with them honestly...but less looking at the screen and more like that one Amano art.
Meanwhile Yamamoto and Tsuna are together like:
#nimo's sheeko sheeko time#khr#I didnt mention ships or OCs bc I wanted to just give that image out there but Milko is in both groups bc he is a double agent#Momo is also in both groups but bc their main ship is with Gokudera I imagine her with Yamamoto and Tsuna when he is doing that lol#the reason I am so sure that Gokudera would be like that is bc I am convinced its how he bonds#he wants to talk and share with his friends!!!#so naturally he turns to the girls bc in our noggins by the time they are adults they are all legit close to each other#I also love thinking that Hana and Hayato are actually bitchy friends to? they talk shit and glare together!!!#they are also the ones yelling at Haru's terrible exes [well Gokudera jumps them too tho]#so I also like thinking of Haru Hayato and Hana as the H Trio#itd be horrible to watch them talk with one anothet tho I feel like firirrj#Imma share more of my thoughts on here bc Milko is asleep and what kind of khr blog would this be if I didnt?#khr ramblings#momo x gokudera
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TMI emo rant - I'm just moping lmao ( don't read if others being emo makes you mopey too, I don't wanna mope-fy this space :'< take care xx )
When the lady in the workout video says ‘the fact that you showed up for this exercise today is already something that deserves a pat on the back’ after you have felt like a hot garbage of a human being the whole day, week, month, just…
damn lady. coming for my praise and attention starved butt like that 😒
#legit made me feel some sort of way lol I wasn't prepared#not even sure why it stood out like that#like it felt like praise obvs but also made me a bit more sad and disappointed with life lmao#just doin my silly little workout bc I have nothing else to do or going on#don't get me wrong#working out is amazing#it is an achievement to do some sort of movement and it can feel so challenging at times to get it done#but when I don't have anything else going on it just felt like...#well yeah... sad and disappointed in life ig#like oh yeah#THIS is the biggest thing I've achieved recently#sometimes that is a huge achievement for real#but for me atm this all just feels so insignificant :(#and by 'this' I probably just mean me#so basically I'm just being all emo today for some reason#and I shall keep doing my next workout after ranting here unsolicited#and hopefully tomorrow will feel better#xx
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12.20 Altered Stakes
#csiedit#csi cbs#george eads#nick stokes#george eads thirst club#csi 12x20#first gif on a new computer!!#my old laptop (a hand-me down mind you) literally burst open yesterday#which was a long time coming anyway my dad gave me his old laptop#which had a crappy speaker lol#and in getting this new laptop and i feel like this happens anytime i get a new computer--i realize how terrible my previous gifs looked#so...here's hoping these will look better#(i only have this one for now...haven't been much in a giffing mood lately and i legit almost forgot how to do it#since i think before that grapevine gif i haven't made any since november?#it's just been...hard#but i am thinking of writing agony and this is the episode i'm on#mk.op#mk.edit#mk.gifs
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maaannnn The Fatigue has been so bad lately i just want this day to be over so i can sleep. theres literally not anything else i could do... but i have to wait...
#i hate it so much im too tired all the time. i do not know what it feels like to not be tired. i dont remember the last time i wasnt tired.#i dont think i was ever not tired genuinely. even as a little kid i remember being tired to my core#the kind of tiredness you feel tingling in your bones dragging on you everywhere you go and in everything you do. its always with me#i wanna clarify that this is a symptom of the type of thalasemia i have and not exactly chronic fatigue syndrome though. but comparable.#i just wanna say that so ppl dont get the wrong idea. but yeah.#i havent really gotten a proper break in weeks and like. i NEED those breaks i feel like my body genuinely cant keep going like this#so i just need to be officially off the clock so i can go sleep and hopefully i can get some legit rest in the coming days#idk fingers crossed bc i fear ill collapse otherwise LOL! (not funny)#and all things considered i have a pretty cushy gig rn! esp considering i dont pay rent and stuff since im like a live-in sitter#but i dont think i was built to be able to hold down any type of proper job. and this wont last forever. i dont know what ill do from here#im too eepy
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