#so i can be ready to go out the door
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Did I just have to make an appointment and this make a phone call? Yes
Did I end up shaking like a god damn Chihuahua through the whole thing and for like the last 20 minutes? Also yes.
Was it for a new dentist that should help the abscess I've had for like 7 almost 8 months? Yes.
Does it make me any less anxious to have to go? ABS-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#laf makes a post#im terrified#i hatethe dentist#ive had horrible experiences#its an hour away#and THEY COULDNT GET ME IN UNTIL NEXT MONTH#and i have to show up early to a 9am appointment#meaning we have to leave AT THE LATEST 7:30#which means i have to be up at like 4:30????#so i can drink my coffee and get dressed by like 5:30#and make sure i have everything i need by like 6:30#so i can be ready to go out the door#but that gives me an hour#which means im gonna be shaking and damn near in tears cause i hate the dentist#and im fucking TERRIFIED#but i need to go#i know this#it doesnt make it any better#have i mentioned im Terrified yet?
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Stay at home dad and artist on commission Keefe
#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#keefe sencen#sokeefe#he watches him and sophie's 5 year old little boy and 11 year old girl (she's currently applying for Foxfire) while sophie works#he does his own art pieces along with commissions at home#and the little boy can teleport so he's constantly dropping in on sophie and fitz at their job#(it's related to them being cognates or something idk)#and keefe has a panic attack because he looked away for one second to add a detail to his sketch and now his kid's gone#their kid drops into sophie's arms (or right outside the door of the building she works at)#and sophie gives him an eye roll and a disappointed look for freaking his father out and interrupting her#(he has absolutely appeared when she was in a super important meeting)#this is all based on the assumption that elves don't have some kind of basic schooling before foxfire or other schools like it#when he appears back at their residence (their leapmaster floor has an open roof for teleportation)#keefe is standing there frantically ready to catch him#and their girl (im shit with names) is standing there giving him a look like āI thought you weren't scared of anythingā#and he's just caught the kid and is trying to rock him to sleep cause teleporting is tiring for a 5 year old#but he humors her while walking down the hall to his bedroom#āwho said i wasn't?ā āi doā āwhy?ā#ānobody who actually beat an ogre would be scared of their child teleporting awayā#āyou'd be surprisedā#(she doesn't beleive he actually fought dimitar and thinks it's an elaborate inside joke between sophie him and queen ro)#so they keep going back and forth with him being vague about the details because while he did beat dimitar#he is absolutely exaggerating all the details#ākeefe you can't tell our kids you punched dimitar and he immediately surrenderedā āpleaseā ānoā#and then they get to his room on the second floor and he shushes her so he can place the sleeping boy in his bed#i have so many thoughts about future sokeefe actually
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back on my bullshit (meeting men im in love with). Ben Schwartz is so kind and tall :-) I didnāt totally freeze like when I met the Jonas brothers but the selfies we took are blurry so š
(at least I have these bc I told sam to record the whole thing heheheh)
#also the show was great#I had to slap sam many times bc she was choking from laughter#ben schwartz#bro how did i forget my personal tag for ben#ben schwartz my beloved#me#also forgot me tag#editing tags after the fact to recount the entire experience#so we waited outside for about 10 minutes and I had no expectation of how long it usually takes for him to come out and take pictures#he comes out without a mask which is surprising to me and says āyou guys wanna take some pictures?ā#we all just kinda form a non sensical blob (thereās maybe like 10 ppl total) around him#Brandon Katie and Eugene hang back towards the stage door unsure if anyone wants to chat with them#Iām gushing over how tall and handsome Ben is to my sister who is ready to record our interaction once he gets to me#as I listen to him chatting with the other fans I canāt help but smile and say to my sibling āheās so sweetā every minute#he meets someone who has a cool sketchbook of the skits from the show that he wants to take a picture of#but they need to write their handle so he says heāll talk with some others and get back to them#so he does and then later I see the girl ready to talk to him again off to the side#so I tell her āyou can go ahead and finish talking to himāā and sheās like āare you sure?ā and Iām like duh!#finally itās my turn and he looks at me and says āhi Iām Benā#yes Benjamin Joseph Schwartz I know#he sees me holding my phone and immediately sides steps to get into selfie mode as I ask him if heāll sign my Jean Ralphio figure#he steps back to Be in front of me āyes of course!ā#what insane media training he has#he says āIāve seen this! this is the first one Iāve ever signedā#upon seeing the figure he says āitās beautifulā lol#heās concerned that the sharpie I brought will not show up and I mention that it was probably a bad one to bring because itās pastel#he signs and holds it up (as you can see in the first photo) to make sure itās visible#he hands it back to me and I thank him and he says ādo you want to take a picture?ā#and I say āI would love to!ā and then I hold the Jean Ralphio figure and he looks to my sibling assuming sheās taking the picture#sheās like āno Iām just here for moral support!ā
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I will never forgive a single one of you
#There will come a day when your grandchildren see your faces in the history books and spit on you#āWe survived the last oneā no we all didn't#I lost so many#so many#His policy changes almost got me killed twice alone#I mean that literally -- in the hospital trying not to die because of the shit he did#Later today I am going to have to face a room full of [redacted] and promise to do everything I can to protect them and not give up#all while pretending I'm not already sitting in my grave#Of course I'm going to fight of course I am but Christ alive fuck you people who think this is a game#and honestly fuck everyone who looked at what happened and didn't see massive voter suppression for what it was#āwhy didn't so-and-so shift blueā because they challenge mail-in ballots and purge the rolls late and shut down polling locations#and if they call you a āfelonā you can't vote. And guess what sort of people they like to make felons?#Reminding myself through gritted teeth that if almost half of Texas voted blue - that's a higher population than some blue states have#It's a lot of people. It's so many people. So many many people tried#People out there care and are trying don't forget them don't abandon them don't condemn them in the hatred#Welp.#If you're still reading this I'm so sorry#If you're USAmerican remember: if they come knocking on your door asking for the neighbor in your attic - you don't know shit#You have never seen a shoplifter in your life. You never had nor never knew anyone who got an abortion.#You don't know any queer people. Especially not a trans person. Especially especially not a trans kid.#Social media sites are not safe for communication. It's not a game okay. Get real good at being careful#Buy an air cleaner and a water filter and get ready to keep an eye on food contamination outbreaks#Get to know your local farmers#Buy a chicken. Name it Reggie. Reggie gonna give you eggs.#Living is an act of defiance. Fighting is an act of love
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I thought today was a good one..
#just some vent art idk#vent#vent art#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#the initial start was unclear#i got ready for my class like usual and my dad's mood was entirely unreadable#usually in these situations i have an internal debate thats goes something like#āis he in a good mood? is he in a bad one? is his eye irritated again? maybe he's still waking up?ā#its a 50/50 kinda deal#sometimes he's emotionless until right when im dropped off and he says āhave a good day! love you!ā in his nice way#today there was nothing#i just got out of the truck and just as i was closing the door i barely heard a ālove youā in a monotone voice#i thought nothing of it bc i did some work before class and my mood lightened#afterwards i went to the lounge and they were doing another event thing that offered free food if you did it#the food was greek food so i figured it wouldnt hurt. i got the food#it was awesome ngl and it really made my day better#then dad picked me up....#he was still unreadable but i could tell his patience was low just by the way he was driving#its crazy and kinda sad that i can immediately tell what mood he's in even through the most mundane change#but about 5 minutes into the ride my mind was a racing mess. i kept asking questions#trying to gauge what mood he's in. he wasn't projecting or groaning like he usually does so o figured maybe he's just wanting to get home#to my surprise we didn't immediately gi home: we went to his old work (family owned business)#when we got there I can't describe the relief i felt to be with other people. especially my grandmother#i did some refund stuff while we were there. dad also seemed to lighten up and things seemed fine#but when we got back in the truck it was back to being tense. we still didn't go home- we went to the bank so he could cash a check#but otw there he mentioned his birthday is this Saturday. i said i knew and that I'd be happy to spend the day with him if he had something#planned. bc id loke to spend time with him on his bday instead of my Granny's Halloween party (which i still enjoy but yknow.. dad)#there's an awkward silence and then he just goes āi guess based off your silence you're not interested in what i have planned for my birth-#day?ā perplexed i said āi am- im just waiting for you to tell meā
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Canāt deny, that is definitely a Princess (P1 | P2 | P3) (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#The Captain#DAX#ZEX#Obviously ZEX had to be the Princess! Come on now! Lol#Why was DAX so ready to let the Captain in? Wouldn't that just encourage ZEX? I mean first of all what else is ZEX up to lol#Very Snow White/Rapunzel banished/exiled/captured princess vibes haha#Poor ZEX he'd love to go out but he's in royal time out! You'd think there'd be more monitoring on Princes coming to rescue him hehe#Anyway point is most Princes back out of rescuing him for some reason hm āŖ DAX is just letting it play out haha#The Captain's reactions are encouraging! And then DAX can get back to his peace and quite haha#I do love the one of DAX pressing his head tendrils against the door as he speaks haha - do you suppose they have a kind of hearing to them?#I mean I still think those little pockets on the sides of their heads are VUX ears but I wonder if their tendrils could aid in hearing?#More than just interpretation through body language or touching when in close proximity - more nuanced vibrations maybe? :0#And even if not all that then just like resting fingertips on the outside of the door while speaking through it hehe <3 It's cute!#Designing ZEX's dress was fun hehe āŖ I went through a couple versions and I'm glad this is the one I settled on :D#Initially the skirt was plain - I'm still not Fully sold on it but I do like the idea of it mimicking those little red marks on VUX forehead#And of course he needs a pretty tiara/tendril jewelry! He has to be the prettiest in case of company!#For some reason the Captain is having second thoughts haha
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what if. Amy āfix-itā because hallucifer makes sam so paranoid about dean leaving for no reason that sam gives in and follows him and is witness to the whole thing
#hallucifer: wow. big brother really trusts us. (beat) so somethingās up right? we know itās never this easy.#sam: (visibly restraining himself from saying shut up. about to grab his scar.)#hallucifer: (aware heās about to be banished) donāt listen to me if you want but. Iām just trying to help.#donāt blame me if you look in the papers tomorrow and find a obit for your brain-eating girlfriend. andā¦ what was her kidās name again?#sam: (touching the scar. not pressing down. face all screwed up.) || hallucifer: :3 itās not like itāll hurt anyone#if he really does trust you he doesnāt even have to know weāre following him. *and* youāll know your brother still trusts you.#even when Iām here. maybe he wonāt even punch you again. that still hurting?#sam: (grimace. because yeah. it does.) || hallucifer: door number two - he thinks youāve lost it and heās going to stab that woman to death.#so whatās it gonna be Sam? ready to gamble your friendās life on if Dean gives a shit about your opinion?#[and thatās the point where sam goes to follow dean. still doesnāt talk to Lucifer. not there yet. but oh hallucifer is sooo pleased with#himself about this. because heās Sam. and he picks up on what Sam doesnāt. and he could see all of Deanās little giveaways that Sam was#turning a blind eye to. and now hereās the perfect opportunity to put a wedge between them and get sam to trust him more <3)#GOD. FUCK. IM UPSET NOW. WHY WASNT HALLUCIFER IN THAT EPISODE. MOST OF THE EPISODES?#such a good fucking concept. squandered.#anyway. idk if sam saves Amy but he DEFINITELY hereās Deanās little speech to her about how she canāt change.#hallucifer with faux sympathy like (sigh) damn. well. i always told you what he was like. Michael. Michael-sword. no difference.#both of them want us dead the moment we step out of line.#and Sam just frozen there in horror with Luciferās voice sinking in. and he believes him. how can he not. with dean proving him right#hallucifer#spn#sam winchester#amy pond
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#this vacation was really mid#Iām glad I got myself out of the city#but this place really should be done in a day trip#the food didnāt blow me away but every meal even breakfast was $30+#I spent the whole time going in and out of shops which I guess is fun but I donāt get a sense of place#there wasnāt anything meaty except the art museum#which was great but it took an hour#this proves I really need to plan out vacations I guess#Iām still glad I did it. I got better sleep in that hotel than I have in months at home#and even tho my feet are destroyed the walking was good exercise I guess#Iām so ready to get home and not move for a while#honestly tho I respect the whole āreject chain storesā ethos#but there is literally nowhere to go and just sit down inside without having to buy something#thatās one good thing about Starbucks and caffe Nero.#theyāre exploitive chains but unfortunately aside from libraries theyāre as close to third spaces as you can get#my desperate quest for somewhere to chill led me to a cafe that I thought was a coffee shop#but that apparently was next door#so I had another $25 meal cause I decided to just go w the flow#ugh#an hour to the ferry#I want to be home
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i'm kinda curious about jean and wymack's relationship now
how did the father react to his son's elopement?
hes sooo fine with it (grinds teeth) its not like we all didnt expect it (wrings hands) kevin knows what he's doing (kicks rock) as long as hes happy (looks at the sky) kayleigh give me strength
i think kevjean's elopement happens very out of the blue. there's not a proposal so much as there's a moment where it dawns on them when they're tipsy and giggly. here's how i think it happened
jean into kevin's mouth: let's get married next month
kevin: next WEEK
jean: tomorrow
kevin starting to look around: TODAY. Now. give me something to make a ring out of
it was really a spur of the moment! it's the kind of throwing-responsibilites-out-the-window elopement kevin will panic about hours later when they're legally married and in a plane to the french countryside, but by then its already done and jean is just very good at distracting him about the consequences. they stay around 3 months unperturbed in their countryside domestic life honeymoon until andrew shows up at their cabin with killing intent because what the FUCK kevin day we thought you got KIDNAPPED*
*they (andrew, neil, wymack, abby, possibly jeremy) knew kevjean eloped but they figured a month would be enough for a honeymoon. in the second month they start to get worried and ask stuart to track them down
#asks#kevjean#I CAN SEE IT SO CLEARLY. andrew at the door with a shotgun like im gonna go in and im gonna find them dead as hell#then he opens the door and kevins fucking. feeding rabbits or something#watering plants. chopping onions. jean is working the fields#its such a face crack moment to me i really enjoy thinking about it oh andrew....#neils there too but hes a secret attack hes just waiting for andrew to give him the cue#when he doesnt neil bursts in ready to shoot and kandrew are having tea in the kitchen#neil: so no kidnapping? kevin: no sorry. guns outside please#anyway jean comes back a little later and they watch kevin gently clean his face with a wet cloth then scold him for working out so late#and to avoid the sun more often jean you're going to FRY out there#and they're so flabbergasted. it's SO WEIRD#andrew on the phone to wymack that night: he wasn't kidnapped but i can't say he hasn't been brainwashed. ill let you know later
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im so fucking overstimulated rn LMFAOOOOO the semester starting is going to kill me for REAL!!!!
#purrs#everyone is super great but also like... god. we're keeping our office door open and its so loud outside. we have ZERO private space in the#office and the interns are going to work in here now so me and the other professional staff cant like..h have conversations bc there are th#things the interns cant / shouldnt / arent ready to hear or know abt yet. (<- the irony of ME of all ppl saying that and holding firm to it#š but whatever.) and tmi as fuck but i have anxiety abt using public restrooms and over the summer they were all empty and now there are#people EVERYWHERE and i have to go so bad i feel like im gonna **** but all of the single stall bathrooms are constantly occupied and i#woudl rather die than use one of the multi stall ones so i guess i will just have to decompose until i get home š. this is a NOIGHTMAAAARE#and ppl are walking past the door and can see me and i feel so uncomfortable like. i want to jump out of my skin. at least no one can see m#screen anymore but idk how i feel abt them seeing my face. cosmo wanda i wish i had a private office and a private bathroom so fucking bad#its actually unreal. and we are going to be like this for the next 9 months LOL HELP!!!!!
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Hi! Really enjoyed the bodyguard AU! Would you do one where Gil is sick and home and Thena visits him after a little show?
Would be really cool thanks ā¤ļøš
Gil shuddered as he turned over in his bed. He blinked, wondering if he was really awake of if this was some sort of dream.
"Hey."
"Hey," he rasped, although his throat was even more dry from sleep, and his coughing hadn't helped. He attempted to sit up, although she had to help him with it. "What are you doing in here? I told you I was sick."
"And I told you I'd bring you some things," Thena sighed as she even plumped his pillows around his head for him.
He shook his head, blinking at her with eyes that felt like they were on fire just being open. At least she was nice to look at. "What if you get sick? Kingo will kill me."
"I won't let him," Thena cooed, running her hand over his forehead and then through his hair. "You're still feverish."
Gil let his head drift to his bedside table. He had to squint a little at the lights of the clock. "I think I took something for it around 3."
"Then you're long overdue," Thena declared as she rustled around the bag of things she'd brought with her.
Gil smiled as she pulled out an aloe drink and a bottle of fever and sinus focused painkillers. She had gone to the Korean grocer he'd told her he preferred just a block away from his building. "You have any trouble getting in?"
She shook her head, even opening both bottles for him before handing over the drink and one blue tablet. "There might have been some paps around, but a hat and some sunglasses and a mask pretty much did the trick."
"You should be wearing a mask now," Gil grumbled, still not wanting to give her whatever he had come down with after their last trip.
Thena shrugged though, comfortable on her perch at the edge of his bed. "I'm not worried about whatever you have. I never seem to give you my colds, I doubt I can get yours."
That reasoning wasn't entirely right but he didn't have the brain power to correct it.
"Besides," Thena tilted her head, brushing her nice cool hand over his feverish skin again. "You always take care of me when I'm sick. I'm only doing what you would do for me."
That wasn't fair; he would do anything if it was for her.
Thena took the drink from him and capped it, setting it on the nightstand. "Are you feeling any better from this morning?"
"A little," he nodded, although the margin was slim. He picked his head up, "how was the show?"
"Uneventful," she smiled; uneventful meant that nothing had gone wrong, and that was how Thena liked her shows to go.
Gil frowned, "how was the venue security?"
She laughed gently, and it was so soft and lovely it made him feel a little better. "They were perfectly sufficient, Gil."
"Perfect and sufficient don't go together, Thena," he pointed out with an unmoved scowl.
"Yes, you're right," she conceded, pursing her lips at him in good humour as she pulled his blankets up again. She moved from her spot on the edge to grab his spare pillow and shimmy it under his knees. "You're what perfect security is, and they're sufficient."
"That just means they did their jobs, sweet'art," Gil mumbled as he let her jostle him somewhat in an attempt to make him more comfortable. "It's the bare minimum."
"Things went well, Gil," she promised with some finality to it. She ran her fingers through his hair again. "You don't have to worry about me. You just have to rest so you can get better again."
So he wouldn't have to leave her in anyone else's hands again.
Thena smiled, moving to the other side of his bed and crawling over to sit on top of the comforter. "Kingo sent me some of the stuff he recorded for promotions or social media--or something."
"Thena," Gil sighed as she pulled out her phone and leaned on his shoulder, "I'm all sweaty-"
"Here," she smiled, pushing the far end of her phone into his hand while she held the other. "I took your advice and asked the wardrobe at the venue to add that stuff to my shoes that would keep me from slipping."
He nodded; the last thing they needed was her slipping on the stairs and spraining her knee again. He smiled; the video was from backstage, but the performance did seem to be going well. The crowd was engaged and supportive, and that meant Thena could get out of her head and genuinely perform.
Thena turned her head away but failed to put her hand in front of her mouth for a massive yawn.
Gil, despite his aches and fever and cold sweat and stuffy nose, was on alert immediately. "You're tired--you should get some sleep, Thena. I know you're still jet lagged from the trip, but-"
"It's fine," she sighed, laying her head on his shoulder as she continued to show him videos of the concert. "Kingo wanted to show you how things went. Apparently you were quite insistent about things before tonight?"
"Guilty," he chuckled. He had definitely gotten on Kingo's last nerve by texting him from bed about all the little things he usually did for Thena before and after a show to ensure maximum comfort for her.
"It's okay," she mumbled, nearly whispering as her eyes started to droop and she melted into his side. "We can survive one night without you."
"Thena," Gil nudged her, but she was fading fast, slumping down beside him, on top of the comforter and without his spare pillow under her head.
"But I don't wanna do more shows without you, either," she sufficed to sigh as she settled on his bed out of sheer exhaustion.
Gil sighed; he didn't know if he had the strength to carry her to the couch in his current state. He supposed at least she wasn't in bed with him--with his clammy sheets and sweaty pillow. He didn't even want to think about what he smelled like.
Thena whined as he tried to resituate her, taking his knees-pillow and putting it under her head again. He reached to the end of the bed - with a good amount of effort - and managed to sort his spare blanket over her. She would be spread out like a starfish soon enough, anyway.
But for now, she was cuddled right up to him, forehead pressed to his arm and her hand on his wrist. She pulled at him a little, not that he thought she was conscious enough for it to be for a real reason.
"You stay down there," he smiled, turning out his bedside lamp again and settling against the pillows she had arranged for him. Maybe he would be able to breathe through his nose better if he slept like this anyway. He pushed some hair away from her face, "away from my germs."
Thena let out a sigh, settling on slipping her hand into his, "I like your germs."
#Thenamesh Bodyguard AU#I once got a request waaaaay back when#for something like this#so consider this that#I see you anon!#you are seen#but of course Thena jumps at the chance to take care of him for once#they got back from the UK and Gil immediately came down with something#unlike Thena who was for once returned from a trip with a clean bill of health#She did worry about doing the show without him just a little#but Kingo was like we can't cancel a concert because your emotional support boyfriend is sick#and Thena was like that's rude but go off I guess#so she does the show#Kingo records stuff for their socials and also to show Gil that they can do their job without him there#the SECOND Thena is done she's getting dressed and running out the door#she got meds and aloe and a drink that's good for tummy stuff and kimchi and silken tofu and frozen tteokbokki#she is rEADY#to fall asleep on Gil's bed for ten hours
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i actually cant stop crying lmao
#wordvomit#Iām so ready to go home but my grandma said sheās really gonna miss me being here#and now I canāt go home without feeling like Iām abandoning her#sheās so fucking lonely she has no family besides me and no friends#i wanna go home but how can i do that in good faith#sighhhhh#she was like āI probably wonāt be able to stop myself from crying once you walk out that doorā
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So I could really use some advice
#on a guy#if he actually likes me#because i'm really oblivious and i can't tell for sure from any signs he might give#but there could be a lot of signs š#so if anyone can help me out or tell me your opinion š#it's a guy i go to uni with and had a class with we're now friends and hang out a lot āŗļø but maybe it could become sth more...#well i really like him he's so nice fun to be around easy to talk to and so supportive š„°#actually i think i never liked a guy like him š„ŗ because all the things i'm scared or worried about in a relationship are less so with him..#and i think maybe it really could work while otherwise i often just wanna 'escape' not literally but you know#so we saw each other a lot lately like every week or more often than once a week#and he also texts me a lot or just randomly called me to ask me things or make plans :)#he just send me a youtube video link i need to look at it later š#when we meet we always hug as a greeting and goodbye š„¹#also he had a gf until april so i'm not sure if he'd be ready already but anyway#and we always talk about lots of things and he's so interested in what i have to say#we onced talked for like two hours in front of the door at night š#when we meet and go eat something he always pays for me and i kinda feel bad about it š
#because it must cost him so much money so last time at the cinema i insisted to pay haha#and he finds it really cool that i play tennis and didn't mind i spend so much time doing it#bc i met some guy who didn't so much because it meant i have less time to see him ig#but that's really respectful#and he always compliments me about so many things#also once we took a selfie together which i then sent him and he was like that he's unphotogenic on it unlike me#which i didn't know how to react because i never look photogenic#so i was like ānoo that's not true i'm the most unphotogenic person ever normallyā#and he was like āi canāt believe thatā which i don't see but š#and yeah he played tennis with me after i asked him if he wanted and he also always offers me his help#when i was decorating my room if i need help with carrying or he often wants to carry my bag#and he sent me old childhood pictures of him and just funny one so did i then#he also sent me one of the sweetest good luck messages before i played a tennis match for my club š„¹
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i know everyone's told me to rest because i'm sick but i just can't. it doesn't feel right. i need to do everything i can rn because i'm scared that any second we'll be told to get out NOW
#there's a lot of legal shit going on so i'm really unsure when exactly we'll have to leave#my mom keeps telling me to pack an overnight bag just in case and i know she's right but there's other things i need to do first#plus i'm not leaving my computer here. i'm just not. i can't. it's my most important possession. it keeps me sane if you can call it that#i need to get everything else ready before finishing getting my ''i need these with me at all times'' stuff ready#because so much shit is in the way like i still need to take out trash and do more laundry#and get more things that have already been in boxes forever out of here. also the closet door is stuck so that's a problem#i don't even care about most of the shit in my closet like i know there's stuff from my childhood in there but i don't remember what#other than that it's junk. and decorations i bought for an eventual apartment but when the fuck is that even gonna happen#i know i'm sitting here doing nothing rn as i'm typing this but i'm like mentally stuck on what to do next without my mom's help#and she's not here rn. plus there's some dude that her shitty ex is letting stay downstairs rn ? for some reason ?#and i just don't feel comfortable leaving the room to get food or take out trash or change out the laundry. it's just weird#plus i'm sick and he has a weak immune system and like. i dunno i don't wanna be responsible for that#anyway sorry i'm rambling. i know it's understandable at a time like this but i just feel bad that this is all i'm talking about rn#i'm just so fucking depressed and stressed and tired and i've barely eaten anything for the past few days#i can't even have fun or talk to any friends like i normally do. my brain won't let me and it just doesn't feel right. i can't be happy rn#for even a second. it's just not the right time. there's nothing to be happy about. i have no hope at this point that things will work out
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soooo i was right š« šš«„ the Friend like likes me and it seems e v e r y o n e around me has known sINCE FEBRUARY
#SO šš¾ letās just let it be known that iām an Obviously Silly Clown so no one needs to tel me that ik already so i already told yāall how he#said he needed to Talk to me and i was planning on avoiding him but my friends said not to bc itās not the Adult Thing To Do and he is my#friend and i care about him so it wouldnāt be nice so i didnāt me and my roommate went to dairy queen with him after i finished braiding her#hair so we were getting out the car to go get ready for bible study at church but then heās all like āVK i need to talk to you can you pleas#stay?ā and i was like KAJDJDJFJFJJD NO but on the outside i was such a Normal Girl and was like sure :)) so weāre in the parking lot and i l#left the door open bc i didnāt want to feel claustrophobic but i lied š¤„ and said it was hot so he starts out all like sorry i made you anxio#us by prolonging this talk and i was like lol no itās fine i was busy with exams and stuff and he just kinda gets quiet and he was like sooo#i like you and iām like#š¤šš« š¶š«„š§ processing#and then i was like ok elaborate and heās like i have feelings for you so iām SHOOK BC WOWIE ppl arenāt cowards like me cause i could never#and i say well thanks for telling me and i think youāre really brave for that but iām sorry i donāt feel the same way but i still want to be#friends but if you need space then itās fine as well and heās like ya i didnāt expect anything from you i just didnāt want to regret not#saying anything so i was ABOUT TO CRY BC I HAD TO REJECT HIM BC I REALLY DONT HAVE THOSE FEELJNGS FOR HIM so i left and went home and my <3#almost exploded from my chest i was on the verge of a panic attack and i told my roommate and she was LAUGHING BC SHES SUSPECTED HES LIKED#ME SINCE FEBRUARY when he paid for my pizza and aPpArEnTlY hOw He LoOkS aT mE š WHATEVER#AND THEN I TOLD MY SECOND ROOMMATE AND SHES LIKE O YA IM NOT SURPRISED#so iām just an oblivious silly goose who doesnāt USE HER BRAIN like kajdjdjhddjd and and now iām thinking of the things iāve done that made#him think i like him too like i baker him a pie for his birthday and i just feel silly and need advice if anyone has any but if not itās fin#just an update on my life if youāre interested#vk overshares in the tags
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ignore this i just need to be insane for a second
#life gets soooooo much easier when u decide u are on a clock thats running out and theres an end to it#like i can just fucking vibe now and not care bc theres an end in sight#im just running the clock out and having a good time as much as possible while the clocks still running#and then! i get to be done! and leave! when things get too intolerable! i can just be done and not deal w it anymore!#incredibly freeing! psychologists are terrified of me!#literally just. okay well I'll just live off the savings i have (very lucky i accumulated those) and then-#-either they run out or shit gets too fucked up for me to handle and i can just off myself then. thank fucking god#living in a way where u are just running out ur rapidly ticking clock is just so fucking freeing#things dont matter anymore and i can finally fucking chill a little bit#I've been living this way for a couple months and damn I've been going thru it sure but theres an exit door for me to use now#and thats making it SO much easier to cope. i have a limited amount of time and i can choose to end the clock whenever. thank god#just waiting it out and vibing in the meantime#anyways tonight was brutal lol and i feel the clock moving ahead rapidly but i am just going to make my silly little art instead of worrying#no need to worry bc theres no future to consider!! if things get too hard i can just leave! extremely freeing!#dont have to worry abt escaping or finances or anything lmao its all unnecessary now#this is probably unhealthy (i mean it definitely is) but i feel like i can deal w things so much better#family can say whatever they want now bc if i ever decide its too much i can just be done#and magically! my tolerance levels have risen! hurray! i can tolerate so much more bc i know it doesnt matter!#okay im done im done. things are so bad lol but at least i have an way out at the ready and no more apprehension abt it#me and death become besties era#she is my silly rabbit she is my rock she'll be there to catch me when i collapse djdjdkdl#I'll delete this later but i just need to be stupid a bit rn bc otherwise im going to do smth so much worse#everything is building and building and i am handling it the best i can! this is my best!#suicide tw
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