#so we saw each other a lot lately like every week or more often than once a week

[adore-gregor]

So I could really use some advice

[kaivenom]

A girl boss to a gangster (Tommy Shelby edition)

Based on this imagine i did, there will be four parts i think. Same gangter!reader but with a differente shelby each time (like the title says)

Masterlist

People tent to call you "the Red Nightmare", and people often think you are a comunist gentlemen but surprise... red is also a lady's colour.

You were going to Birmingham to see the outlook of the city. Your family wants to expand the bussiness to England and that place is a good start and you are the most capable option of your crew.

You parked the car on the side of the road and went to the Garrison, people have told you is a place very frequented by the local mobs. Maybe you get to do some alliances with them, it would be better than start a band war.

Ordering a drink was easy and the ambience was nice but some dudes started to bother you. In fact, even three boys from the VIP room got out to see.

You wanted to keep a low profile but these men were so insufferable that you ended up beating them. Now that they are on the ground, you wanted to go back drinking, but that was not the case.

"Good morning lady, i would have to ask you to get out." the bartender approached you.

"Jerry, go take a smoke, i have it from here" one of the VIP men sat next to you, dark hair and a lost look "that was quite impressive."

"Well, i can't expect the men to do the work."

"Well, this is my bar, i was going to do something."

"Too late i think."

"It is..." he lighted up a cigarette and offered to you, you took a slight hint "if a woman like you were from Birmingham i would have known you by now so... who are you?"

"I am just a lady."

"That's not true and i advise you not to lie to me." suddently the conversation changed to a much darker tone.

"I am (Y/N), The Red Nightmare. You?"

"Tommy Shelby, of the Peaky Blinders."

"Then i think is good that we both matched here."

"I am not sure about it then, why are you here?"

"Bussiness expansion. Partnership?" you asked with a smile.

"Then maybe we can work something out."

From that moment, it was like being a invited royal, you didn't have to search for a hotel or a chofer. It was like the Peaky Blinder was following you everywhere and so was for the next weeks.

------------------

"Lady (Y/N), Tommy Shelby invites you to an evening to the art gallery. Dress nicely." the courier said to you with a calmed voice.

-----------------

And so you did, you dressed with a red dress, obviously, and went to the gallery. Tommy's chofer left you in front of it, where you saw a very dressed up Shelby.

"Good afternoon, mister." you said with a smile, on the psat couple of weeks, you started to feel better around him.

"Afternoon lady, let's enter." he offered you his arm and like ussually he had a serious face but he looked more relaxed that in the other meetings.

The paintings were beautifull and wine was served to the costumers but there was a lot of people, it doesn't look like a place to a meeting.

"Mister Shelby" you positioned yourself next to him, but looking at the picture, "what is the subject you want to discuss today?"

"None." you almost choked on the wine.

"What?"

"You heard me, this is no business meeting. We already did a lot of that, i wanted to get ot know you a little more...you, not the Red Nightmare."

You were blushing a lot at these revelation, but you wouldn't confront him about it, deep inside you wanted it to happen.

After the gallery, you both went dinning at the Garrison and continued chatting and having a good time.

This thing started to happen more often and more sentimental every time. From time to time, both opening up about feelings and memories, like the war.

One particular night, it was raining and he appeared on your door, all wet and with a sad look. He told you about his nightmares and apparently, this night was a really rough one and he wanted to talk to someone. He talked about that time on France while laying on the couch, with your hands on his hair.

Then, when you both were about to fall asleep, he kissed you, not with lust or angriness but with love and sweetness instead. One thing led to another and you passed the night together.

The next morning, you woke up with your head on his chest and his hand passing thru your hair. When you oppened your eyes, a small smile appeared on his face, it was one of the few times you saw him done that.

"Let's get married." he said with a blank stare.

"Pardon?"

"The thing about your family business it's still going and we didn't solve it yet. A marriage would be the best solution."

"So, after all this, you are asking for marriage just to set a deal." you were starting to feel angry and used.

"Yeah, i thought about it for a while but i wasn't planning on doing it beacuse it's a vulgar way to solve things... i couldn't do that to you. But, after the last few weeks i was starting to think about it less for a bussiness and more like a desire, and after tonight i want to marry you, no matter what. Even if a have to ask you to a hundred more dates or appear on your door at night."

You looked at him, almost crying that this man is trusting you enough to ask you such a important question. Your brain is going very fast, analizing all the facts and possibilities and at the end, you threw all of that to the window.

Passing your hands to his cheeks and leaving a small kiss on his lips, you nod playfully.

"Then let's go call aunt Polly, she will get excited that we finally get married, she likes weddings a little to much."

"Then i shall write my family and tell the news."

You spent the rest of the morning in bed, celebrating the compromise, and later on, you make public, to surprise of no one.

[carlsdarling]

No Mercy Part II

This was requested a lot. The hate-love-story between Carl and Y/N, who is Negan's daughter, evolves... Everyone is 18 or over.

WARNINGS: smut, nsfw, unprotected sex, slightly violent sex (consensual), angst, abusive language

During the following weeks you and Carl just couldn't stop doing two things: Fighting hatefully and fucking each other. It almost became a ritual. And the more violently you argued, the better the ensuing sex, which was always rough. After you spent an evening at Ron's to watch a movie with him and Enid, Carl was convinced that you had been drooling over Ron. "You were checking him out the whole time," he kept angrily accusing you as you headed home to Rick's house. "You probably want to fuck him."

"So what if I am? What's business is it of yours, Carl?" you snapped. "Maybe he's better than you? Not that it's that difficult."

By now you'd reached the house. Carl opened the door, roughly dragged you over the threshold and immediately pushed you into the pantry next to the kitchen, where he ripped off your jeans and panties, shoved you face-first against the wall and without foreplay penetrated you from behind, fucking you with hard thrusts. "Carl, yes, please," you whimpered, pressing against him as your head kept hitting the shelf above you.

He buried his face against your neck to silence his moans. "I've wanted to rail you all evening, but you presented yourself to Ron like a slut! How many times do I have to tell you that you're my personal fucking property?" snarled Carl, pounding even harder, aggressively rubbing your clit with his right hand. He covered your mouth to prevent the other people in the house from waking up as you cum and screamed out loud. " Do you see? See? You hate me, and every time you cum on me you beg for more," he gasped contentedly, enjoying his orgasm. His cum dripped onto the floor as he pulled out of you. Upstairs you continued, the whole night was filled with angry sex, and in the morning you both had quite a few bruises, hickeys and scratches to hide.

Subsequently, the situation between you began to change slowly and almost unnoticeably. You started sneaking into each other's room more and more often in the late evening and eventually having sex in bed. What was new was that you didn't always argue beforehand. Then a few times you found yourselves lying together afterwards, cuddling and exchanging caresses. Whenever you became aware of it, one of you would angrily stop it right there and start a fight, whereupon either you or Carl would storm out of the room and the old ways would be reinstated. You hated Carl, and he hated you, and sex was just a way of expressing that hatred and it had to be violent.

Then the day came when Carl went out with Rick and some others, but they returned without him. "Where's Carl?" you asked in a squeaky voice, looking all around for him.

Rick looked utterly distraught. "We lost him," he muttered.

You felt like you'd been thrown into ice water. "Is he... dead?" For some inexplicable reason, the thought of never seeing Carl again shocked you. Even more unbearable was the idea that he might have turned into a walker, soulless and distorted.

"We don't know, we were separated by a bunch of walkers. We need to get back out there now, with more people, and search for him." Rick ruffled his hair.

For the next few hours you couldn't think clearly, nervously pacing from room to room, and when you finally saw Rick and Michonne approaching the house with Carl between them, you felt sick with relief. Carl looked pale and exhausted, and he was completely sweaty, filthy, and stained with blood and other weird substances. "You stink," was the first thing you said to him, and you turned up your nose. „It’s disgusting.“

"Screw you," he said wearily.

You waited for Carl to go into the bathroom and entered ten minutes later when he turned off the shower. He was sitting on the toilet lid, and was busy patching up his numerous bruises. Hastily he adjusted his bandage to hide his missing eye from you; you had never seen it. "I really thought you got killed, Carl," you blurted out.

He stood up and met your gaze in the mirror. "You would have liked that, wouldn't you?" he asked with a sneer, but there was something else in his beautiful blue eye. The one he still had.

You quickly nodded. "You bet," you agreed with him. "Anyway - I'm disappointed you're still alive," you said venomously, and went to your room.

It wasn't long before Carl showed up to throw you on the bed recklessly and wanted to fuck you. You had hoped he would do so; your whole body was craving him, and eagerly you wrapped your arms around him.

But he stopped the attempt shortly after with his face wrenched in agony. There was a bloody Band-aid stuck to his stomach. "Carl, what is it?" you asked, startled. "Are you in pain?" Before he could stop you, you grabbed the Band-aid and loosened it. It wasn't a bite, just a nasty cut that looked infected. The wound was located just below the scar he already had when he had been shot back then and Hershel had saved his life.

"It's not that bad," Carl claimed, taking the Band-aid away from you and reapplying it to the wound.

"Yes, it is," you countered, "You need antibiotics."

"Why do you even care?" he asked dismissively, frowning.

"Oh, I don't," you promptly returned. "Go and do whatever you want. I couldn't care less how you feel. But you can't rail me in this state anyway, so you're useless, so piss off," you hissed, pushing him away and tossing a pillow at him. Carl gathered up his clothes, showed you his middle finger and left the room - but not without turning around once more, winking at you and mockingly throwing you a kiss. You shook your head with an annoyed grin and switched off the light.

Then everything happened very quickly. The next morning, Rick caught up with you in the hallway as you were about to go to the bathroom. Carl had taken some medicine - in the end, he had listened to you - and now he was fast asleep. "'Get your things together,'" Rick ordered. "You're leaving."

"But... why..."

"Your father's people captured Gabriel," Rick informed you angrily. "The Saviours have a hostage, we have a hostage. We'll trade you."

Stunned, you stuffed your few belongings into a bag, then Rick hustled you into the car and drove you to the main gate. "I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to say goodbye to Carl," Rick said.

"Carl and I hate each other," you said coldly. Rick looked at you with amusement, but made no comment.

After some mutual accusations and insults between him and Negan, you were handed over to your father at the same time Gabriel was walking towards the Alexandria gate. Before you realized it, you were sitting next to your father in the car, and you were on your way back to the Sanctuary.

Negan looked at you from the side. "Are you alright? Have these bastards done anything to you?"

"No, Rick treated me well," you said tersely. You had been caught completely unaware of what had happened. Ten minutes later, you felt the sourness of stomach acid filling your mouth. "Stop the car. Stop the car right now. I'm going to puke," you managed to say. Negan stopped the car, you yanked open the door just in time and vomited onto the asphalt.

"Are you sick?" your father inquired as he restarted the motor. "Maybe the fish from last night was rotten," you evaded the question.

(yessss there will be a part 3... tell me if you liked the plot development 🥰)

[mgcldydrms]

Admirer ( George Weasley )

requested by anon: "ooh if it vibes with you I think you'd do the prompt "I'm not staring at you, I'm admiring you." with George weasley really well :3"

word count: 1.2k

warnings: a whole lot of fluff, like a lot a lot

pairing: george weasley x fem!reader

author's note: I needed some fluff and this was the perfect request. thank you for sending it in. I definitely vibed with it.

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On some weekends, when most of your fellow students were all in Hogsmeade, you liked to stay behind and enjoy the quietness of the common room. There were still the first and second years around, but seeing as though it was now spring, most of them were outside and enjoying the warmth of the sun.

You sat on the sofa, in front of the fireplace that wasn’t lit up, yet it still felt cosy to sit there. You had your favourite book in your hands, smiling every so often whenever something funny or sweet happened to the characters. From time to time, other Gryffindors walked past you to either go up to the dormitory or to slip through the portrait hole.

You were too immersed in your book that at first, you didn’t even notice someone sitting down next to you. Only when they cleared their throat you looked up at that person. A bright smile graced your face once you noticed that it was your boyfriend, George.

“What are you doing here? I thought Fred, Lee and you would be in Hogsmeade getting new stuff for your products.”

George shook his head, moving closer to where you were. He pressed a soft kiss on your temple, quickly glancing down at the book that you were still holding tightly in your hands before he looked up into your beautiful e/c again.

“We were supposed to get a few things, but the delivery takes one more week, so we all must wait. And I, the good boyfriend that I am, thought I would come back and spend the rest of the day with my gorgeous girlfriend.”, he explained, wiggling his eyebrows.

You couldn’t help but laugh while you playfully pushed him away from you. You looked down at your book, swiftly flicking through the pages, noticing that there were only a few more pages left.

“This is really sweet, but can you give me a few more minutes? I’m almost done with this chapter and I want to finish it. It’s getting really interesting now.”

“Sure. I’ll just sit here and wait.”, your boyfriend stated, moving away from you so he could completely stretch out, his feet almost touching yours.

You uttered a quick ‘thanks’, and before you knew it, you were back in the world of your book, reading as quickly as you could without missing a thing. You didn’t want George to wait for too long. Seeing as though the young man who you were lucky enough to call your boyfriend was a year older than you, hence you weren’t really able to see one another as much as you would like. He was not only busy with schoolwork, which of course he sometimes neglected a bit too much but he was also immersed in developing his and his twin brother’s new products. So, normally the two of you mostly saw each other late at night in the common room or in one of the abandoned classrooms that no one really used anymore. You were able to spend most of your time together on the weekend though.

Occasionally, you looked up at George, wanting to know what he was up to, but whenever you glanced his way, you noticed his eyes already watching you, a soft smile gracing his lips until you looked at the words in your book again.

The more you peered over at your boyfriend, the more embarrassed you got. Why couldn’t he stop staring at you? Of course, it was adorable, but it also made you lose focus.

“Can you quit staring at me? I can’t concentrate.”, you said, shutting your book a bit too harshly.

“I’m not staring at you, I’m admiring you.”

You could feel the heat rushing up your cheeks after your boyfriend's confession. You put your book in front of your face, hearing George chuckle. He moved closer to you again, lifting his hand up only for him to lower your book.

“Why are you hiding? I love to see you blush.”

It was true. George loved to make you blush and seized every opportunity to do so. He loved the way your face was almost as red as a tomato whenever he complimented you or whenever he teased you. You were lucky though. It was mostly compliments that your boyfriend used to make you blush.

“And what were you admiring? I was just reading my book.”, you mumbled, putting the book on the floor before you sat up properly and waited for George to explain himself. You pushed a strand of hair behind your ear, your eyebrows lightly raised.

“You looked really cute … beautiful actually. You were so concentrated on the story, and your eyes moved so quickly from side to side. Your hair fell in front of your face multiple times. Sometimes you didn’t even notice, but when you did, you pushed them back, only for them to fall back. You even tried to blow them out of your face. You pouted, I don’t know why, but it looked adorable, and - ”

“Okay. I get it.”, you said quickly.

George chuckled once more, stretching his arm so his hand could find yours, which he gently squeezed. He pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arms around you before he pressed a gentle kiss on top of your head.

“I could see the passion you have for this book. Maybe you can lend it to me, so I can find out what it’s all about.”

You looked up at the young ginger-haired man, your eyes slightly widened, still comprehending the words your boyfriend had just said to you.

“You? You want to read? Voluntarily?”

You both couldn’t help but laugh out loud, knowing exactly that George would never read a book. He wouldn’t even read the books he needed for his classes. He always hoped that you or maybe Hermione had already read it. Although both of you were younger than the twins, you liked to read books that needed advanced knowledge.

“You just know me too well. Come on, let’s go outside.”

Your boyfriend got up from the sofa, simultaneously pulling you up as well, only for you to stand face to face now; George was just a bit �� a lot taller than you.

Now it was your time to admire him. His beautiful smile, the slight crinkles by his eyes, his fluffy hair …

“Stop it.”, he interrupted you, his lips finding yours almost instantly, kissing you as lovingly as possible.

You smiled into the kiss, reluctantly pulling away, knowing that a few first years sat in the common room, watching the two of you making out in the middle of the room.

“Let’s go, admirer.”, you whispered against his lips, kissing him once more before you made your wait through the portrait hole.

[pagerspages]

Dear Dad 3 months

Dear Dad,

It’s been three months (and four days) since you died. It doesn’t feel like three months. It feels like it’s been years. I miss you so much. A lot of stuff has happened since you���ve been gone. We found out my sister is going to have a baby girl. I turned 25 and took a big road trip by myself. I started doing photography again, you always told me I should keep up with it but I didn’t. It feels good to be taking pictures again. Remember that girl I was telling you about a while ago? I finally asked her out on a date and she said yes. We’re going to go out on Wednesday. I’ve decided that anytime I see a butterfly it’s you that sent it. I cried while hiking the Grand Canyon last week because I saw a butterfly and it was like having you with me. 

Do you remember going on the walks behind the house I grew up in? We’d walk to that little creek a little ways out there and see the dam that the beavers built and I remember on at least one occasion that you tore it down so the field didn’t flood. I think I build a dam in my chest for my emotions and grief. For the most part it just lets it through slowly bit by bit but every so often the dam overflows. Like tonight. I was watching TikTok and a video showed up about a father and son reuniting after not seeing each other for a long time. It hit me right in the feels and I just got done crying for like 10 minutes. 

I don’t cry as often as I did at first. Every few weeks I’ll hear a song that really just hits home and I’ll let myself cry for a few minutes before work or during my lunch break but other than that I’ve been doing pretty good. Then nights like tonight hit and I kinda just let myself sob because I know that it’s better than letting the dam build up too much. 

Sometimes I wonder if you miss me too. I’ve been leaning more towards the Heaven belief lately. I like the idea of you sitting up in paradise waiting for me. Man, I just wish I could see you again. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. It’s been three months and feels like years. How am I supposed to make it years like this? How is five years of missing you going to be? Ten years? Thirty years? I only knew you for fifteen years so I’m going to have to miss you for longer than I knew you. 

I keep saying this in all the letters but it would be really cool if you could come see me in my dreams. I see people talking about having dreams like that all the time and I just haven’t. It doesn’t have to be super long but please dad. Visit soon. I need you. I miss you. I love you. 

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi, big fan of your ace and aro art!

Genuine question here: How do you maintain a long distance relationship with your QPP (queerplatonic partner)?

Hey! Thank you so much for the kind words, that means a lot TwT

Regarding your question, apologies for the long shit incoming in advance, I'll probably share way more than what's needed, but anyway:

OK, to be honest, I should mention that I'm used to long-distance in most of the relationships in my life anyway, so that's kinda my bread and butter. I was bullied in my small town schools and later I went on to study foreign languages, so all of that created circumstances that made it natural for me to create real friendships mostly with people online or in foreign countries. I've always been more of a "next country rather than nextdoor" type of person to begin with, and my partner was no exception I guess.

We got to know each other online, so we were sort of used to the bulk of our relationship being online when we decided to be in a QPR. It was my partner's suggestion before we even got to meet IRL, and to be honest I'd never had a romantic or queerplatonic partner before and didn't fully grasp what it meant at the time, but it sounded nice, so I went for it! We met up IRL in 2018, a couple months after that (I was meeting up IRL for the first time with another friend who also happened to live in the area, in retrospect I really appreciate everyone's patience as I imposed a double visit and splitting my time in two between them TwT) and at that time it only cemented how much of a vibe it was.

After that, I was saving to visit them again in 2020, but... Y'know, the shit happened. The US (where my partner lives) enforced a travel ban on my country and several others that lasted until November 2021. It was incredibly hard during those times. We called very often, but since I'd been all riled up on the idea of hugging them again, and I was very affection-deprived because no one was allowed to see anyone or touch anyone (and that was pretty heavily monitored by cops for quite a while in my country), it wasn't enough for me to feel OK. The only way one could travel from a banned coutry to the US was to stay 14 days in a non-banned country and then travel from there – which I ended up doing in mid-2021 because I was basically going nuts. It was pretty damn expensive, but since nothing had been allowed for a while it's not like I'd spent my money on much, so I had savings, and I needed to prove myself that I could do it. We reunited IRL then for a good week. Then, because they'd fairly recently got a job (which meant more income for travel) and because US citizens WERE allowed to travel to banned countries, THEY visited me in September 2021 (and we formally promised to marry each other someday then, so even travel bans couldn't separate us in the future).

Despite all that, come late October 2021 and with no end in sight for the travel ban, I'd completely spiralled into despair over our future again. The travel ban and other restrictions made seeing each other so much harder and it was seriously taking a toll. Despite everything we'd managed that year, at that time, it felt so hard I was having serious self-endangering thoughts for the first time in my life, and I wanted to give up. That lasted about a couple days until I talked about it to them over videocall and heard their words of support and saw their face and got all angry like "fuck no, they can't take that away from me". So, because they're who they are, and because of extra support from some friends which meant a lot, despite everything, we didn't give up.

Now I'm free to travel to them again so honestly? Maintaining a long-distance relationship feels really easy right now. We text every day, videocall at least once a week and send each other care packages with gifts for our birthdays, holidays and special occasions. (Our time zone difference is 9 hours, which is convenient, cus when I wake up they're more or less about to go to bed so we can chat for a bit, when my workday is over theirs hasn't started yet, and when they're having lunch I'm having dinner, so we often share meals and watch stuff together over video calls.) We're both working adults with a stable source of income, which definitely plays into a lot, cus that means we're much more free to save up and make plans to visit each other – and by god ever since 2021 we've been making much more frequent plans, as of today we have 3 meetups more or less planned, one of them coming up this month actually, so that's pretty great^^

I do live in fear of another travel ban coming out of nowhere, so I do hope we can marry someday – though that'll be its own whole can of worms in terms of coming-out and immigration hardships, but we're determined to work through it. We're determined not to be long-distance forever. Kinda sucks that we have to go through something as amatonormative as marriage to achieve that, but also, ehh, y'know what, if that means someday I get to hang out with them in person everyday, it ain't that bad. It's a means to an end. And I guess it's a cute idea in a way.

...Welp that was way too long. tl;dr it's not easy every day. Some circumstances out of your control can really put you through the ringer sometimes. But on the flip side that means you get out of it stronger and the whole thing's kind of a virtuous circle. The more you fight for it, the more precious it is to you, and the more precious it gets to you, the more you want to fight for it. Kinda comes naturally to me at this point, so, I guess, don't make it a chore. It never felt like one to me. It's all a treasure if anything.

[whatacaitastrophe]

Everything Has Changed - Chapter 8

Previous Chapter

Chapter Song Inspiration: "Bad Habits" - Ed Sheeran ft. Bring Me The Horizon

Chapter Warnings: alcohol consumption, blood drinking, EXTREMELY miled dub!con (both parties are drunk)

Spotify Playlist: Here

Author Notes: Thank you all so much for reading, reblogging, liking, and commenting on this fic (and the first one)! If you are interested in supporting me in other ways, I have a Ko-Fi link. ya girl has been behind on bills for two months and i've got a dog to feed, and every little bit helps <3

i also have a discord server! it was created to coincide with my twitch channel but you do NOT need to follow/subscribe/watch my twitch streams to come hang out with us <3 we talk a lot about bg3 and share memes and fics.

Chapter 8: My Bad Habits Lead to You

The streets of Daggerford were bustling in the late afternoon light, and Fallon could feel the sense of calm that came from being in a crowd rush over her as she walked with Gale. It was a small town to be sure, but after seeing no one other than Astarion, Gale, and the occasional passing traveler for nearly a month even the small crowd was a welcome sight. Fallon preferred to be in crowds of people for a number of reasons, and all of her reasons pretty much directly contradicted each other. Fallon preferred populated areas because nobody was sticking their noses in other peoples’ business. She could blend in with the crowd and be completely anonymous, if she wanted to be. People were often so engrossed in themselves that they didn’t notice what wasn’t directly invading their space. 

On the other side of the coin, Fallon liked living in populated areas because it felt safer. One would think that based on the idea of blending in with the crowd and the anonymity large groups afforded a single person, it would be more dangerous because nobody was paying attention, but people paid attention when something was out of the ordinary. A woman screaming because somebody stole her coin purse, or a man collapsing in the middle of the street? Those were abnormal occurrences that forced people to get out of their own heads and pay attention. Case in point: Fallon was certain the Szarlnaxi vampires would never have ambushed them in Daggerford, even in the middle of the night.

There was a bookshop across the street from the inn, and Fallon nudged Gale and nodded her head in that direction. “Maybe they’ll have some books on sorcery, or some magic scrolls you can use to re-teach yourself some spells.” She suggested. Fallon knew Gale was eager to get to Waterdeep so he could pour through his personal tomes, and take advantage of the wealth of knowledge likely waiting for him there. Maybe there would be something here in Daggerford that could give him a head start. 

At the sight of the bookshop, Gale’s face brightened. “Have I mentioned recently how grateful I am to have you as a friend? Specifically, as the type of friend who is willing to spend time with me in a bookshop?”

Fallon chuckled as they began walking towards the shop. “You’re not the only person who likes to read, Gale.” 

“Indeed. I seem to recall books being the first thing you and I bonded over.” Gale smiled. 

Fallon was not nearly as hungry for knowledge as Gale, and she preferred works of fiction, but that was one of the great things about Gale. He loved reading for the purposes of learning something from a non-fiction book, but that didn’t mean he never picked up a novel, and Fallon learned early on in their friendship that he had read many of her favorites (including the romance novels).

Fallon smiled back at him, and nodded. “I need something new anyway. Astarion has been hogging the books I brought with us for himself.”

“I thought I saw him reading your favorite last week— the one about the boy at magic school.” Gale recalled, and Fallon stopped walking. It took Gale a moment to realize she was no longer by his side, but once he did he doubled back so he was standing in front of her. 

“Fallon? Are you alright?”

“You— you remembered I like that book?” Surprise shone in her eyes as she stared at her ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t that she thought Gale wasn’t listening back then when she shared information about herself. Fallon just assumed he’d forgotten by now after being apart for so long, or that Mystra had somehow managed to take away his memories of Fallon, too (something Fallon had previously assumed to be unlikely, but that was before the goddess revoked Gale’s access to magic out of spite). 

“I remember everything about you, Fallon.” 

Fallon instantly recognized the soft look in Gale’s warm, brown eyes for what it was: adoration. It was a look she’d seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times before. Even before they were romantically involved, Gale always looked at Fallon like he thought she hung the moon. Seeing that look on his face made her heart stutter in her chest, scaring her both because of how it made her feel, and how it likely meant Gale still felt. 

Despite her fear, Fallon offered Gale a half-smile and stepped towards him. She reached out and took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. “You’re a good friend, Gale.”

Gale smiled back at her. “Not half as good a friend as you’ve been to me, despite everything.” 

The two of them stood in the middle of the street just staring at each other for a moment longer as Fallon’s mind reeled from the realization presented to her. This couldn’t be happening. She wouldn’t let it. She couldn’t. For so many reasons, she couldn’t. Gale and Fallon were snapped from their moment when a man pushing a cart knocked into Gale, pushing him towards Fallon as he passed by. “Stop standing in the middle of the bloody road!” The man shouted, and Fallon waved apologetically before looking back at Gale. 

“We should get going.” She suggested, and Gale nodded, his face returned to its usual relaxed expression.   

By the time Fallon and Gale returned to the inn, satchels full of books, scrolls, and potions, dusk had fallen, and Astarion was waiting for them in the tavern at the inn. “Gods, what took you so long? Did you buy the whole town?” 

Astarion was dressed in clothes somewhat nicer than what he’d been traveling in thus far, and Fallon smiled as she took in how beautiful he was. Astarion truly was a work of art, and it was categorically unfair. “You look handsome.” She commented, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek. Perhaps appealing to his vanity would soften his annoyance that they were gone all afternoon. 

“We’re in a real town for the first time in weeks, the two of you will be able to have a meal not cooked over a fire, and we’ll all be able to indulge in alcohol we didn’t drag with us from Baldur’s Gate, or find in an abandoned building. Why not show the people of this little town what taste looks like,” Astarion mused, resting his hands on Fallon’s hips. He looked at Gale. “Though I’m sure there’s not anything wrong with your cooking, of course. No offense.” 

Gale smiled and shook his head. “None taken. I too am looking forward to eating a meal not cooked by yours truly this evening.” 

Fallon looked at Gale. “I feel like we’re a little underdressed, now, don’t you?” 

“Indeed. Though admittedly I didn’t bring anything much nicer than this, given the circumstances with which I’m here in the first place.” Gale’s cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink. 

“It’s alright, no one will be looking at you anyway, since Fallon will be with us.” Astarion complimented Fallon and her heart skipped a beat in her chest as he leaned down to kiss her softly. Fallon knew Astarion loved her, and believed her to be beautiful, but that didn’t mean she would ever tire of hearing him say it. 

“You make a fair point. It is difficult to outshine her.” Gale agreed, clearing his throat slightly. Fallon pulled back from her embrace with Astarion and saw Gale awkwardly staring at the ground, still flushed. 

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go find us a table while Gale and I go upstairs to put away our purchases and change into something a little more presentable?” Fallon suggested to Astarion, and her lover nodded. 

“I’ll be waiting.” He agreed and kissed her a second time, deeper than the first kiss they shared. By the time they broke apart, Gale had already disappeared to return to his room, and Fallon hated the guilt that settled in her stomach once again. 

Astarion was many things, but he wasn’t stupid. Several weeks ago, Astarion warned Fallon that he did not believe Gale was as sorry for his actions as he claimed to be, or that Gale did not have ulterior motives for seeking Fallon’s forgiveness. After what happened with the Szarlnaxi vampires, and offering to let Astarion drink his blood, Astarion had begun to trust Gale a bit more, to believe that Gale truly only wanted forgiveness and to start over with Fallon as friends. 

Then he saw the look on Gale’s face as the sorcerer agreed that Fallon’s beauty put himself and Astarion to shame. It was a look Astarion had seen on Gale’s face before: back when their roles were reversed and Gale was the one sharing Fallon’s bed while Astarion silently pined for the woman he thought would never be his. Whether Fallon was aware of it or not, Astarion couldn’t be sure, but now more than ever, Astarion was more than certain that Gale was very much still in love with her. 

Astarion was going to get him to admit it, if only for the pure joy he would feel upon hearing he was right. Everything else that followed was secondary, and would be dealt with later. He wasn’t stupid, but he also wasn’t the type of person to plan things out terribly far in advance. For now, he just needed to make it through steps one and two:

One, he needed to get Gale drunk, and two, he needed to get Gale alone. Step two would be easy, as the only blood Astarion drank recently was from a boar they found between Dragonspear Castle and Daggerford the day before last. 

It turned out that step one also ended up being easier than Astarion thought it would be. Between being so close to Waterdeep they could taste it, hot baths, hot meals, and the prospect of sleeping in real beds that evening, everyone was in good spirits. Fallon, especially, wanted to drink, and Astarion knew his lover well enough to know that when she was in the mood to celebrate, she wanted everyone else to be as drunk as she was. 

By the time Astarion carried Fallon up to their room to put her in bed, Gale was right behind him, stumbling slightly to his own room for the evening. Astarion was tipsy, but alcohol never got him truly drunk anymore in the way that it did for Fallon and Gale. No, Astarion knew that as soon as he fed on Gale, that was when his own drunkenness would truly kick in: Drinking the blood of someone intoxicated had that effect on him. 

Astarion pressed a kiss to Fallon’s forehead. “Wait up for me, darling, I’ll be back soon.” He requested, fully intent on spending the rest of his evening with Fallon wrapped in his arms and kissing her until they fell asleep after he was finished with Gale. 

The door to Gale’s room was slightly ajar, and Astarion smirked. “Leaving your door open? That’s brave. Anyone could come in and have their way with you.” He teased.

Gale chuckled, his words starting to softly slur together. “If I didn’t know any better, Astarion, I’d say you were flirting with me.” 

Yes, Gale was most definitely drunk enough that getting the information Astarion wanted would be easy. He stepped into Gale’s room and shut the door behind him. “What, I can’t be concerned for the well being of a friend?” Astarion pouted. Maybe he was flirting. After all, flirting used to work marvelously to get information he wanted out of people– who was to say it wouldn’t work on Gale?

Gale laughed again as he took a seat on his bed and began rolling up his sleeve so Astarion could access the same spot on his arm from the last time they did this. “Are we friends now, Astarion? I think you just admitted it.” 

“I suppose we are, sorcerer. You’re much more fun now that you can do magic again.” He observed, striding over to the bed. He sat down next to Gale, and it felt weirdly more intimate than the first time they did this (even with Gale attempting to lay down last time). Maybe it was the fact that they were sitting on a bed. 

Gale hummed happily at the mention of magic. “Yes, that was quite a marvelous discovery, wasn’t it? I suppose I never actually thanked you for that.”

“Trust me, you’ve thanked me enough by agreeing to let me drink your blood again,” Astarion pointed out. “I’m sure Fallon is certainly grateful to share the duties of keeping me fed with someone.” Astarion didn’t actually know if that was true or not, but for the purposes of getting Gale to talk, it was true enough for tonight. A slight pang of guilt settled in Astarion’s stomach for lying to Gale, but it was overruled by his need to be right. 

Gale offered Astarion a dopey smile at the mention of the woman in the next room, and he sighed. “I just want to keep her safe. She deserves to be safe.” 

Astarion nodded in agreement. “That she does,” he reached for Gale’s arm and pushed Gale’s sleeve up a little further, as it had slipped down slightly. “May I?”

He waited for Gale to nod, giving him consent before biting down on the same spot as before. Gale inhaled sharply when Astarion’s teeth broke the skin, and to Astarion’s surprise, the man kept talking. Perhaps to distract himself from the pain. “She loves you, you know. Deeply. I can see it on her face when she looks at you. You make her happy. I’m glad she found happiness, after everything I put her through.” Gale mused, and Astarion couldn’t help but smile against Gale’s skin as Gale’s blood poured into his mouth. It wasn’t a confession of love by any means, but it still pleased Astarion to hear Gale admit he knew Fallon was happy, and in a good place. Maybe he wouldn’t need to worry about Gale acting on his feelings for Fallon (if they existed), after all. 

Gods, Gale’s blood tasted good. Still not as good as Fallon’s, just as Astarion had told her earlier in the day, but damn. He could taste all of the fine wine Gale had that evening clearly now, too, and Astarion could feel himself becoming more intoxicated with every mouthful. 

Soon, Gale was tapping Astarion’s shoulder, and Astarion pulled away, raising his head and licking his lips as he went. He offered Gale the same dopey smile the other man had given him at the mention of Fallon’s name. “You really do taste exquisite, by the way,” Astarion offered. Yes,  Astarion was definitely as drunk as Gale now. “I didn’t get to tell you when you asked last time– too distracted by the magic.”  

To his surprise, Gale blushed. “Thank you, I suppose. I was curious,” Gale looked down at his arm, where blood was still slowly trickling from the wound Astarion created, and instead of wiping it away, he offered his arm back to Astarion. “Want to get the last bit? Might as well not let it go to waste.” The offer surprised Astarion, but he wasn’t really in a position to say no. Even when he was already drunk on Gale, his bloodlust would never allow him to decline one more taste (even if he could control himself from drinking Gale dry). 

“Well, if you’re offering, who am I to say no?” Astarion reached for Gale’s arm again, and slowly licked away the trail of blood that had begun to run down Gale’s forearm. Astarion hadn’t expected the act to feel sensual, but it had. He also hadn’t expected Gale to let out a soft moan, but he had. Most of all, Astarion hadn’t expected the sound of Gale moaning to go straight to his cock, but it had. 

When Astarion pulled away from Gale’s skin, he was grinning coyly at the sorcerer. “Why Gale, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you liked that, didn’t you?” Gale blushed deeper, and Astarion’s grin only widened. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, darling. I’m just surprised. I didn’t think I was…your type.”

 “You’re everyone’s type, Astarion.” Gale laughed nervously. Even if Astarion hadn’t been flirting with Gale before, he certainly was now as Gale’s alcohol filled blood coursed through Astarion’s veins. Moreover, Gale was flirting back.

Maybe Gale was drunker than Astarion thought he was. Maybe it was the blood loss. Maybe it was both. All of those things could be contributing to Gale’s lowered inhibitions, but Astarion couldn’t bring himself to stop it. The surprises continued as Gale reached forward and swiped his thumb over Astarion’s chin, wiping away the blood that had trickled out of Astarion’s mouth. Gale offered it back to Astarion in the form of pressing his thumb against the vampire’s lips. It was an action that rid Astarion’s mind of all thoughts of the woman in the next room, and how Gale felt about her. It was difficult to focus on anything, really, with the way Gale looked at him. Astarion greedily accepted Gale’s invitation and he took the sorcerer’s thumb in his mouth and sucked the blood away, refusing to break Gale’s intense eye contact. 

When Astarion released Gale’s thumb, they were both breathing a little heavier as they stared at each other, the air so thick with tension it would have taken a sword to cut through it. Astarion’s eyes flickered to Gale’s mouth, and vice versa. Then, in tandem, the vampire and the sorcerer leaned forward to cup each other’s faces in their hands, and their mouths connected in a crushing kiss.

Chapter List

[lesbiansgoal]

I (19F) Was Outed by the Priest's Daughter (18F) to My Whole Church

This is a very long story with a lot of relevant backstory, so please bare with me.

I(19F) was outed by the priest's daughter (18F) at my church, and I'm still not over it.

It has been a year since my parents found out and 2 years since the rest of the church found out. I know I should be over it, at least a little bit, but I feel constantly anxious and angry about the whole situation.

Before I get into a deep dive of what happened, here's the backstory:

The Priest's daughter at my church, we'll call her L, and I became best friends when I was around 6 or 7. We were inseparable and found any way possible to see each other. We got to hang out every Sunday at church, but we were like sisters so that obviously wasn't enough for us. This whole situation hurts even more thinking of all the fond and happy memories we had. Of course, as most friendships, it became rocky. I admit, I wasn't the best friend in the world to have. I often had severe mood swings as a child and it affected my friendship with L a lot, as well as the other relationships around me. I was deemed as the "weird kid" pretty often because of the culture I was raised in (my mother is an immigrant) as well as the religion I was brought up in. With this, things became worse when a bully (we'll call him X) started coming to our church.

X was very close friends with L's older brother, and soon after became friends with L. X, however, didn't like me all that much. I remember when he'd make fun of me for eating, saying things about how overweight I was (which was completely untrue, I was severely underweight for my age), and telling me to take my "mental pills". My self esteem was crushed week after week, and it seemed the longer this kept going on, the more I noticed L taking his side rather than defending me. However, because I was a pushover, I didn't say much about it and continued being close to her. When X finally moved away after a few years of torment, I felt extreme euphoria. I was so unbelievably happy. But this is where the problems had started.

One day, about a year after X had left, I came to church a bit late and saw L by the doorway with another girl as they whispered to each other. When they saw me approaching them, they quickly ditched their conversation. However, I noticed that something seemed off and asked what was going on. The other girl kept her mouth shut while L told me nothing was happening. I was sceptical, but didn't press much further and waited for Communion. But first, I needed to go to confession. As I stood in the line, I saw X emerge from the altar. I remember how scared I was. I was frozen in place as he made a passing glance at me. After I had a very nervous confession, I ran downstairs and cried.

L's mother saw me and tried comforting me, asking what was wrong and the other usual questions and remarks when comforting a child that could barely breathe between sobs. That's when I told her that L had lied to me and that X was back. She brought L down and she explained to me that she didn't tell me because she knew I would "act this way". L didn't even apologize. I told her I wasn't forgiving her for lying to me, and to leave me alone. This event marked a long period in which L would constantly ignore me, attempt to single me out of every conversation and event, and borderline bully me.

After my mom and the priest found out about the feud, they decided to sit down and talk about it. This, unfortunately, led to a screaming match between them. While my mother tried addressing what was going on between me and L, the priest started blaming me for being tainted (being taught in a public school while his daughter was home schooled) and for introducing the idea of "crushes". I was, apparently, sinful for making his daughter jealous of the pretty dresses I wore and the friends I got to have outside of the church. At this point, our families were at an impasse. The next Sunday, the priest took me into his office and asked if L and I could rebuild our relationship. I remember being hesitant, but eventually saying that I'd make an effort.

I was now in high school and making progress in my friendship with L. Although it was a bit awkward at times, it seemed like we were making progress. Then COVID happened, and we were confined to our devices for interaction. At this point in time, I was in the closet about being bisexual. However, after texting L and getting deep with our emotions, L confessed to me that she had been having "gay thoughts". In an effort to comfort her, I said that I knew what she was going through, that I was bisexual, and that I was there for her with whatever I needed. We then both decided to delete the messages to make sure our parents wouldn't see them. When COVID restrictions were lessened in 2021, L and her family came over to bless our house. When we were alone, I confided in her that I defined myself as pansexual instead of bisexual, to which she nodded and told me she was glad I told her. This happened around February or March.

Then, one Sunday during the Summer of 2021 while my mother was out of the country, the priest asked me to go into his office. He laid everything out about how L had told him I was bisexual. I cried a lot. I had a minor panic attack. I begged and pleaded for him not to tell anyone, especially my parents, but he said "people will learn, OP". I didn't know what to make of this as I was in fight or flight mode, so I didn't question most of what he said to me that meeting too much. I just remember him humiliating me and calling me a sinner. At the end, we treated the meeting like a confession and did the closing prayer.

Fast forward to March of 2022. I was about to graduate from high school and I was extremely anxious about various different things that were going on in my life. It was Good Friday and I was at an evening service when suddenly I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I could barely breathe, think, talk, or control my body. I remember how my hands and mouth were going numb. My dad took me into the car to while my mom stayed behind. She was inside for a very long time, even after most of the other people had left. By that point, I had fallen asleep (or maybe passed out???) in the car. When I woke up, we were at a gas station near our home and my mom asked me if I had ever talked to L about being gay.

We had a very long conversation that night, and I had found out that soon after the service ended, my mom and the priest got into a heated argument about why I had such an awful panic attack. With this, L joined in and yelled at my mother about how I was bisexual and was a sinner.

In the following days, we learned many things:

1. The whole church knew before my parents knew.

2. L had screenshoted my messages, so she had them as proof.

3. I was discussed as if I were a predator.

4. Both the priest and L talked the all of the families about it.

5. They started telling people at the funeral of a very notable church member in the summer of 2021.

I was shocked and heartbroken. I felt truly betrayed, and my family and I decided to leave the church and go elsewhere.

Since the events that took place in 2022, I am no longer religious (though not entirely because of this reason), but I still go to church with my family to support them. I know they adore their religion, and I still find beauty in it, so I don't really mind. I am currently going to college and I have an amazing partner who I absolutely adore with all of my heart. In many areas, I'm thriving. But in some, I still find myself very resentful.

I still see L from time to time, whether it's at school or at work. At first it really bothered me, but I've come to accept that she'll just have to deal with me and vice versa. We live on the same planet, so what's the point in bothering so much?

I was starting to get over this event until recently. I have contact with some friends at my old church, and one of them confided in me saying that L was telling everyone I had "started it". She said that I was the one to blame for all that had happened because I had apparently pushed her to do what she did. Up until recently, I really tried to forgive L. I genuinely thought about reaching out and telling her this. But now there's no way I could ever lower my self worth in order to give her an ounce of pity. She's using this whole situation to put me down and lift herself up.

So, dear readers, thank you for baring with me, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to write out my feelings and version of events. I've kept my mouth shut after all these years, and defending myself feels almost liberating in a way. Thank you.

TLDR: After a long, heated history with my ex best friend (the priest's daughter), she outed me as bisexual behind my back to my whole church.

[figs-and-cigs]

Dear Ex,

I'm still grieving. After briefly seeing you at events this past week I've found myself ruminating. I'm sad a frustrated.

I thought a lot about closure. Truthfully, I don't need or want closure. I think things ended clearly and obviously, and I'd rather not have to enter another circular conversation about it with you. But I wanted to write this. I won't send it to you. If you asked me for closure though, I would gladly have a conversation with you.

I keep thinking about some of the things you said in your message. They were cruel and unkind. I did not directly defend myself against some of your accusations - because I knew that would be unhealthy. I did state that I was sad you saw me that way. I stated my perspective on how things were handled. That was enough for me. But having sat with that message for a while I do want to type things out - for myself.

I had shared that many of my previous relationships were FWBs. I liked going out to dinner and having sex. The fact that you brought that up in you message and then questioned my intentions with you made me feel absolutely sick! It showed me that 1. You don't approve of my past relationships (I don't give a shit), your message was short of slut shaming (I do give a shit if that's how you think) and 2. That you really did not understand me or how much I valued our relationship.

Like if I just wanted a FWB dynamic with you, I would have said that! I said from the beginning I was hoping for something more emotionally intimate.

You and I only had sex once! How could you possibly think I was only using for sex in all the months we were together!? I cooked dinner for you, I paid for meals when I could (even while I shared I'm on a fixed income for disability). How could you question that I was seeking a meal ticket and sex from you?

I shared time and time again about my agoraphobia and driving anxiety. How HARD those things are for me, and how hard I work on them. Even so, I drove to your house and to meet you places more often than not. I shared a few times that my agoraphobia and fibromyalgia means I struggle to sleep when I'm not home. Even so, I slept over at your house almost every week, I slept over at the hotel for that one event. While those things are difficult for me, I did them happily BECAUSE I valued our relationship!

In your message you then asked, "what do you offer? Is your focus solely on yourself and what you can get?" I'm flabbergasted you would ask me those things! I'm incredibly saddened that, after months of talking every day, seeing each other 2-3 times a week, intimate conversations, you still felt the need to question those things!

In any relationship it's not about what I can get. It's about offering myself to and connecting with someone else. Offering our time, hearts, and selves to each other in whatever capacity feels right. Every request you made, I tried to meet. Every moment we spent together I was fully present and connected. I did and I gave more of myself to you, in a short period of time, than I have with many of relationships over the last several years of my poly journey because dammit I really liked and cared about you.

I will say one of my biggest triggers in relationships is when I feel misunderstood. I shared openly and honestly about my mental and physical health issues. I didn't expect you to understand them. But time and time again situations would come up where it became clear you really did not understand them. My running late for a date because I was having driving anxiety. A day where I didn't call because I was having a chronic fatigue day. Forgetting something you said even though I explained fibro fog. When you asked if I have "black and white thinking" and I offhandedly said it's a symptom of BPD. Your response was always one of disappointment and feeling disconnected from the relationship and rarely one of understanding. I felt pressured to meet your requests even though I was struggling - and I met them more often than not.

And in that nasty message you told me to work on my communication skills, to deal with my disorders. (Meanwhile you blatantly ignored my messages!) You weaponized and misinterpreted intimate details I shared with you!

And then you had asked if you could make requests without me feeling personally attacked!? Instead of discussing my schedule like I had been trying to for weeks, you gave me a lecture about "effective communication" you told me to change my language - even though I was already doing the things you were asking. I offhandedly said that sounds controlling. You took it as you can't make requests!? Despite me constantly trying to meet your requests. I never felt personally attacked until that conversation, until you started asking me questions like a psycho-analysist and until you sent me a message questioning my intentions, calling me uncompassionate, looked down my disorder and still refused to respond directly to anything I had texted. I've taken lots of time to analyze my communication skills since. I've spoken with my therapist, partners, close friends (not always directly about you and the situation). MY communication skills are NOT the problem here.

You want to know the biggest red flag? In your message you said I interrupted you during our conversation. I remember the moment. I said, "this has become a boundary for me. My schedule has changed." And you said you don't like the term boundaries, that you think they're selfish. I jumped in and gave a definition of boundaries. That self care isn't selfish. Sorry, I interrupted you in that moment. But if you don't like boundaries, I don't want a relationship where I can't have them.

So that's that. Now you saying I'm welcome to reach out when I know we're going to the same event. I assume because I didn't respond to the event going on this weekend - even though I said I was going says prior. That's fine, but you can text me too if you want to say anything. I've said what was necessary. What I'm typing now isn't. I'd rather detach than get into justifications and defenses.

Also you showed up at the meet up I go to every week - a meet up you rarely attend, with two brand new partners. In the poly world of course that's fine, often to be expected. But it definitely seemed odd, considering you normally don't go and don't like flaunting your relationships. But whatever, it's none of my business.

I still with you well.

End vent.

[imsorryithurts]

Big rant and vent, going on my whump blog because it's the one no one irl knows about this blog

My father is separating from his wife, and while a not so small part of me is like "good for her" because he is one of the embodiments of the meme "men will do anything except going to therapy", it's kinda making me spiral, considering the shit show his separation with my mom went, how they treated me badly after, and I'm unbelievably worried for my half sisters.

For a while when they were younger I was worried about how my dad screams a lot and it definitely affected me (I'm one of those people who understands the pavlovian response a little too well compared to the other students), and how the longest my parents had gone without having screaming matches was less than a week, and I didn't know how my sisters' life was in their day to day. I remember clearly talking to my therapist about this, building strategies to ask my sisters if dad seemed mean sometimes, if dad ever screamed at mom, and making it clear that I was there to support them...

And now I'm freaking out, and I think it's because when my parents separated, they couldn't scream at each other anymore so all their hatred was directed at me. I was 15, and my sisters are 7 and 8. I don't know how they're taking this. I don't know how this will affect them, how my dad is going to be talking to them, how their mom is going to be talking to them.

I remember being their age and literally begging my parents to separate. I saw all my friends with divorced parents, and kept thinking why can't my parents do that too. I dreamed of a world where my home wasn't full of hatred half the time. They both loved me but they seemed miserable around each other. It's a miracle I came out of it with a healthy understanding of what a relationship should be like.

But the thing is that I don't know how my sisters' day to day life is. I don't know if it was toxic, I don't know if my dad or his wife were happy. They seemed ok, my dad seemed to be a bit cold towards her, but that's how my dad always has been to my mom, so I assumed things were fine, I assumed she didn't mind that, didn't mind his angry outbursts because someone moved his nail clippers from where he keeps it, because that's just how he's always been.

And in a more selfish side of things, I don't know how this will affect my relationship with my sisters. They were both born when I was in another city for college, so I didn't see them that often, and I moved back last year and I've been struggling to see them. My dad just didn't invite me to stuff anymore, so I felt bad asking them to go places, asking to visit, and we just. Kinda saw each other on special occasions when his wife invited me to stuff.

I don't know if his wife will continue inviting me to stuff. I don't know if my dad will invite me to come over. My sisters are too young to have a phone of their own, how do I keep in touch with them to make sure they're ok? How do I let them know that I'm here to support them, because my parents are also separated?

Shit, how do I keep being their older sisters and their friend. Because I feel like literally every other family member of them has a better relationship with them than I do. I often think about how I'm jealous of their cousin because of how close they were for a while.

I've been struggling lately with my mental health, and we think it's because everything is finally "fine", I reached my goal of moving back into the city, moved in with my partner, am working on my master's... And all the trauma stuff was solved and now I had to solve what was buried underneath. And now I get this thrown on top of me as well. At first I didn't think it would be so bad but I can't stop thinking about it almost all of the time. I was trying to build a relationship with all of them and now I don't know anymore. I don't know if my sisters will be fine. I don't know how it's going to be seeing them anymore.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

recently i came across your post where you wrote that you are pretty sure jikook can date each other. I'm curious, has your opinion changed or are you still sticking to it?

Hmm... I'm not sure what side of this argument you're on. Are you an insecure Jikooker or an anti-shipper? A Taekook/Vmin/Yoonmin-er? You're asking if I'm still "sticking" to my opinion, so you're probably not a Jikooker (calling myself a Jikooker is a bit weird though).

Well, I still can't picture Jikook with anyone else. You saw Jungkook's face watching Jimin's videos? He had the same soft, worshiping face he made during the Dynamite comeback (if you're a Jikooker, yk). He sings Jimin's songs (he sang Vibe 3! times because he wanted to do it justice!, and also sang Jimin's songs with VHope), said he misses Jimin, watched multiple Jimin videos with us, did vocals for Letter, called himself Jimin's fan, saw Jimin rehearse SMF (did you count the amount of times they held hands? Do you see Jimin doing that, and also speaking so softly, with other members?), engages with Jimin the most during lives (ie. he doesn't always comment when the other members are live, but he's been commenting a lot on pretty much all of Jimin's recent lives), still has favorite movies, songs and hobbies in common with Jimin (coach Tommy seems to know Jimin better than he does the other members except Jungkook), etc. But if you want current, hard "proof" of their bond, you won't get it. We won't have regular OT7 Bangtan Bombs, episodes, Memories, and concert DVDs for a long time. You won't get recent "loud" moments between Jimin and Jungkook, such as an almost kiss or a suspicious bite mark. You won't get many friendship scenes between the members in general.

Still, V and Jungkook, and J-Hope as well, have been hanging out a lot lately, and Jimin has been spending time with J-Hope and Suga. I understand some fans see that as confirmation that Jikook aren't as close anymore - they've been seen in public, but not together. Well, Jimin was working on Face and practically lived in PDogg's house for 10 months. He, Suga and J-Hope were all preparing content so their schedules probably overlapped and they ran into each other a lot at Hybe (it also made sense for them to shoot some content together). V and Jungkook were both resting (more or less, and not presently in Jungkook's case, I guess) so they were more free to hang out (which was only a handful of times anyway from what we saw, and not even every week or super regularly). Hobi has always been the most social and active member, and he's leaving soon, so he probably wanted to spend as much time with Bangtan as possible. He even played online games with Jimin! He's not a gamer so maybe he just wanted to do something with Jimin? They played together in ITS 2 as well, so it's probably a Jihope thing. Why didn't Jikook play games together, you might ask? I just answered that, and also, do they have to? Jungkook doesn't seem to play much anymore and maybe he doesn't like that game? We know his sleeping schedule is pretty fucked too, so I wouldn't be surprised if he can be hard to reach. But he gamed with V, you argue! Yeah, but that was a hang out at V's house with more people, and their gaming skills are much more comparable anyway. We haven't heard of J-Hope hanging out with RM, for example, yet I haven't heard fans say they aren't close anymore.

Jungkook and Jimin have hang out many times with us only finding out about it later through second hand accounts or in official content. A lot of Jikook droughts have become floods out of nowhere. Jimin and Jungkook have slightly different friend groups - for example, RM and Jimin are close to Taeyang, but Jungkook doesn't seem to be, so Jikook wouldn't go to G-Dragon's event together. There are millions of explanations as to why Jikook don't seem to be hanging out as much or why other members seem to be hanging out a lot. We don't know how often Jikook chat, if they call each other, if they meet up privately, etc. Jimin is pretty private and doesn't share much of his private life, and Jungkook's pretty inconsistent with what he divulges - historically though, Jikook rarely talk about the times they hang out, which is why we learn about convenience store runs and dinners with friends through second hand accounts. We have a tendency to take things at face value. I love Jinkook but haven't seen good content of them since 2021. It's easy to assume they aren't close now because Jungkook didn't visit Jin with Jihope and doesn't seem to talk to him much. But that's also just Jungkook's personality. He's touchy yet a bit distant. He doesn't like texting or talking on the phone, and seems to be the type that can go a really long time without seeing someone. RM said during one of the recordings of a Proof comeback show that Jinkook couldn't live without each other but many fans say Jungkook has "outgrown" Jin. Every relationship is different. Jungkook's openly affectionate with Hobi and RM, and very verbal in his appreciation of them, yet he's always shown his affection for Jin through teasing, play fighting and back hugs. Also, Jungkook doesn't overly praise Jimin most of the time and is more tactile with other members, but shows he loves Jimin so much in so many different ways.

Anyway, I don't know what to tell you. BTS are never going to be what they used to be. We won't get hours of content of the members' interactions to judge their closeness. All we'll get for the foreseeable future are IG photos of some members hanging out (but Jungkook doesn't have IG and Jimin rarely posts so they wouldn't be the ones posting pics of themselves), and whatever they choose to share during lives. And with all of them having different schedules and levels of privacy we can't take anything at face value. RM hasn't been seen with the members in ages (except at the Harry Styles concert and dinner with Jimin), yet no one is assuming he isn't close to his members anymore. This is just a weird phase for BTS and Army. If I believed Jikook were together before I can't not believe that now, because doubting them would mean they were either never together (or interested in each other) or are having a very amicable breakup.

This got looooong. Ooof.

[akaikami-cherryblossom]

Hey guess what my kid has a relationship timeline now

Year 1

Pre-Mankai

-Lu and Saku barely cross paths. They saw each other at auditions for Hana High’s drama club, but only she got in.

-Lu also tends to catch his monologues by the riverside on the way home from practice. Why is he always there so late?

-(This is expanded on in the lore post)

Spring

-Saku’s monologues slowly become more cohesive, and it’s always one show: Romeo and Juliet(or Julius? The name seemed to be wrong). Lu assumes it’s a newfound interest in one show, but he’s been leaving school earlier these days, as if there’s somewhere he needs to be.

-He’s also been stopping by her classroom more often, typically to pick up or drop off the boy every girl in her class seems to be infatuated with. Masumi’s never really struck her as more than an acquaintance, but looking at Sakuya up close, he’s kinda…cute?

Summer

-The more time Lu spends at home, the more kids she notices popping up in the Mankai dorms next door. Of course, that strangely included Masumi of all people, though Sakuya was showing up more in her mind. Was that why the monologues started to fit together?

-She wonders when the last time the abandoned building was so lively…

Autumn

-Another one joins the trio of Hana High boys. Lu can’t help but see Sakuya as the only sane one.

Winter

-Not much, honestly. Was that an audition sign out front? But it’s for men…

Year 2

Spring

-Looks like someone landed the spot for the Spring Troupe. That’s fine.

-Sakuya…graduated? That was surprising. She always thought he was the same age as her. Oh well, there goes the highlight of her day.

-Though there was one way to see him. Lu works up the courage to buy a ticket to Mankai’s performance of The Wonderful Charlatan of Oz. Sakuya had really improved from when he was clunkily reciting Shakespeare during her first year of high school.

Summer

-Another missed chance. Seems the audition was only held for one person. If only they truly auditioned people and didn’t just steal them.

Autumn

-Seriously, when was the audition? Did it just never exist?

Winter

-Masumi hasn’t been in school for a week. That’s strange. She saw him completely healthy recently, and he was seen at the dorm right before he disappeared!

-Oh, he’s back. And there’s a new guy in the troupe. No way she has a chance now….ensemble member auditions? These seemed reliable…

-Lu goes in to finally test her acting skills, hoping she’d pass as a boy. She didn’t expect to pass so well that she got in.

-Masu says he recognized her off the bat, Saku does once she’s not in “boy mode,” and even knows her name.(he knows???? My name????)(girl that is just something he’s good at)

-It’s decided it would be best to hide her gender for shows, yadda yadda it’s in the chara bio, this also allows her to continue in Hana High’s drama club because her roles are always small.

-It’s also quickly discovered(by Masu at least) that she has a crush on Sakuya, even if she isn’t fully aware of her feelings.

Spring(Harugaoka)

-Ok I know we skipped a year but bear with me.

-During this time, she’s gotten closer with(read: bothers) Masumi, and goes home with him often because she lives so close. (It’s also definitely not because she wants to spend more time with Saku)

-Saku also invites her along on a lot of outing events! Things like Queen Camelia, A Springtime Snooze, etc. If Saku’s there, so is Lu.

-This is also coupled with stuff like street acts!!

-The more time she spends with him, the more her feelings grow, and eventually her confusion spills over and lands itself in the Masumi cafe fic. Bro also fully feigns ignorance to her feelings until this point. V silly.

-This is also where the Azu cafe fic takes place.

-Skip a few weeks. Tenma-Saku fic.

-The next week is where the confession fic takes place, during the last tech rehearsal for Harugaoka Quartet. Sakuya spent a week writing and rehearsing the script, checking it off with Tsuzuru, and making sure he could find a time to do it.

-Turns out, telling Citron about your plan and feelings late at night isn’t a good idea because he can and will set up an elaborate plan to force you to confess your feelings to your crush.

-That’s it for now!!! More to come as the fics roll out :3c

[kqtmansmokeschronic]

Man my fucking boyfriend. So many people want to be that guy in gaming. The guy who can play on a controller but aim his reticle like he’s using a mouse. The kind of guy who’s hands are an actual human aimbot. The kind of guy who intuitively gets timing and movement. The kind of guy who doesn’t get rusty when he takes breaks. The kind of guy who rarely loses a fight even if the opponent cheats. The kind of guy who’s gameplay is perfect for content because of how clean it is. The kind of guy who is perfect for streaming because of the things he can pull off that would hype up a stream. He’s the kind of guy that insecure people fear and other positive gamers respect his skill level. He’s the kind of guy who can be good at every aspect of a game. The kind of guy you could teach your specialty to and within weeks he will be doing it better.

My guy makes me so proud I don’t care if it sounds silly he makes me proud I’ve grown up playing games and they used to be so looked down in but we’re finally at a place where being good and entertaining while gaming can be a job so I’m proud of my guy for being so good and being entertaining. I’m proud of him for being a skilled gamer and being like me and respecting online multiplayer games, we do not cheat. Period. We don’t play cheap, we are legitimate tryhards, the real kind who simply want to be the best they can be at a game and get the best and hardest fights from people who want to fight we want NOTHING to do with someone who doesn’t want to fight that gives us nothing. I’m proud of him for being like me but being even better, it’s not a question he’s twice as good as me at least and I’m not upset or mad about that at all it’s humbling because I rarely ever lose and it makes me better practicing with someone better than me, and it also makes a big contribution to the content. I can do everything he does but not as quick, not as good looking, and not as often like I can take someone out of godmode and kill them but I’d do that like twice a year myself he does it like 2-3 a month sometimes for example.

But lately playing beach with him has just been a blast and an honest admiration for how easily he can lick something up and how good he’s gotten.

He didn’t know how to play beach aw in gta before he met me and maybe a full year and a half ago now we started playing it and I learned just from watching montages and YouTube guides and streams so my grasp was slow and not very hands on I knew the rules but the in game practice was lacking so when we started playing it was good to start actually practicing but at first we just fought at the beach and I slowly told him rule by rule until we were eventually playing full beach aw matches by the book and even starting to get keks sometimes when we play. Then maybe 6 months ago we both got it down a lot we’d both Atleast get a kek each match and we played a lot more begginer beach’s players. Now though is diffferent. We both okay like full blown beach aw tryhards. We both constantly are going for keks, higher keks more stylish keks, forcing spawns and playing beach at a faster more aggressive pace sometimes he keks me back to back to back sometimes it’s impossible to spawn in because he covers every single span possible and really playing indistinguishable from other real beach players that only okay beach we’re actually freemode players. And now he’s actually SO good at aw he doesn’t even just kek at beach he has been getting keks in the city now he got his first real on a few months ago in June on his birthday and he just texts me that he keks someone in the city and saw the rag doll. He’s something else. Not to mention he is human aimbot with the sniper. He loves his reticle like nothing I’ve ever seen it just moves all over and moves right on target it’s insane it’s not even really drag scoping sometimes it damn near like using a mouse but he doesn’t lmao he’s something else honesty he’s a whole different level of gamer.

Mom so glad that he joined me in making content and running a YouTube channel because I wish he had done it before he is so talented but then I guess we wouldn’t have our channel doing our thing but I’m glad he Atleast does it now because his gameplay and everything deserves to be out there and his clips everything he’s so above average at gaming it blows my mind when I’m editing sometimes I don’t understand how he does things sometimes.

Ahh sorry babe done ranting about how great you are I love you <3

[duskkit]

Along different lines but roughly the same sentiment:

I was thinking, last night as I tried to get to sleep, about how nice single-purpose devices are. Devices that aren't meant for internet browsing and all the varied uses that come with it, even if some of them do technically have the capability. Things we don't even think of when we say 'device', even.

It's rainy lately, and there's an occasionally leaky section of roofing in the bedroom that should have been fixed after last year's wet season, right along the same ceiling beam that the wires for the overhead light are attached to. I've been keeping the wall switch off because I don't want to risk water finding its way to a powered wire.

I don't have an overhead light, but lanterns are great. My flashlights kept flaking out, last year, but there's a great electric lantern that I've got now. It shines reliably and can be collapsed down into itself-- a little bit to block off some of the light, or a lot to shut it off when I'm done with it. It makes sure I don't trip getting into bed, provides a gentle light if I want to read for a while, and hangs from the doorknob when I leave the room for the day.

What got me on this line of thought: I don't have a way to tell time in my room, currently. I don't have a smartphone, my laptop is not great for carrying room to room (not actually heavy or unwieldy, just chronic pain), and there hasn't been an analogue clock on the wall in nearly a decade. The wall switch turns off the whole room's power, including the alarm clock. And... when was the last time I saw an actual watch?

Not a smart watch that has a screen and internet connection, but an actual watch with a second hand that goes tick-tick-tick? An actual watch that tells the time well if you know how to read it, just the time, using the whole of its face instead of shrinking it to hide between six or twelve other distracting functions?

To be fair, I might not know if half the population of my city wore watches every day. I didn't go out much even before covid times. But honestly, I bet it's not near 1% of people who wear watches ever, these days.

My elementary school, I think in second grade, gave me a cheap watch and lessons on how to tell time. A friend in middle school gifted me a pretty silver and pink one for a birthday, that I unfortunately haven't seen for years. I never noticed anybody wearing a watch to high school-- we all had phones, it would have been redundant. But I think it's a loss, that people don't consider watches much anymore.

And... I had an E-reader for a while. Nook simple touch with glowlight, or something like that. It was smaller and easier to transport than a laptop, but unlike a phone, still large enough hug to my chest like I might a really good book. Its screen did not rely on bright light to display, so that wasn't a constant battery drain when there was outside light to read by, and even when the internal lighting was on, it could be set way dimmer and gentler than any other computer screen I've ever seen. It could connect to the internet, but it didn't need to, my dad would collect stories on his computer and transfer them on by USB cable. The most WIFI access I'd give it would be a minute or so after a daylight savings time change, or a particularly long while without charge, to give the clock a chance correct. For a long time, I could get weeks or even months of use from a single charging. Read before school, during lunch break, after school, by sun or room lighting; and then read in bed by its internal lighting. Hours a day of reading, for years... until the times the Nook would run out of charge got close enough together (after a few replacement batteries, each harder to source and failing faster) that it didn't seem worthwhile to keep using it. I had my own laptop by that point, anyways, and browsing the internet directly was more efficient for finding new stories.

When I get sick, though, there's often this point where headaches or nausea make computer screens impractical. And, especially now that my chronic pain makes reading a paper book challenging, I really miss the much gentler screen of my Nook. It was great for times like that. But last time I tried to charge it, it took about an hour to even get out of complete shutdown mode, let alone to a level usable not still plugged in...

A smartphone or a laptop is a portable light, and clock, and E-reader, and much more. But there's a lot to be said for devices that, instead of trying to be (or trying to pretend to be) one-size-fits-all and every-purpose, simply do one thing, or a few things, very well in exactly the way the particular owner needs. For me: a lantern to light my way, a watch for compact portable time-keeping, an E-reader with gentle light for those times when I'm too sensitive to movement or stimulation for other forms of entertainment. (At least, hopefully I'll have that whole collection at once someday.)

Internet devices are so much more fragile, too, than ones that are mostly self-contained. At least user interface wise. Individual apps and the overarching operating system change all the time, often not positively. Whether the updates mean to protect against security exploits, to make a change the programmers think most people will like, or to include more ads, there's a decent chance at some point something you liked will get lost along the way. Such as, a lack of ads. More ads is never appreciated, but much more common than less ads. But also... some feature that only 20% of people use regularly, replaced by a related but not interchangeable feature somebody thinks the other 80% of people will find more useful? Hope you're not part of the 20% who relied on the way things were before...

smartphone storage plateauing in favor of just storing everything in the cloud is such dogshit. i should be able to have like a fucking terabyte of data on my phone at this point. i hate the fucking cloud

[inmanegraves]

Missing Mary

My daughter was six when she went missing. Mary was always a bright, creative child. I still remember the moment my husband and I got the news that our adoption was finalized and she was ours. I cried and cried, tears of joy racing down my face like their short lives depended on it. I remember the first time she called me dad. Her large eyes gazed up at me and she laughed and smiled. I felt so proud I couldn't stop smiling for the next few days. I remember sitting in front of the tv, Sesame Street beaming brightly down at us while we played with large puzzle pieces and the little, soft ragdolls I had made of universal monsters for her. I tickled her belly while pretending the wolfman was eating her up. I was so happy. My husband, Georgie, was so happy. We were a family and we were invincible.  

Until I went to pick her up from school. It was a late fall day and colorful leaves covered the ground in front of the hulking building. The air was cold. I watched and waited for her class to come out, to see her straight ginger hair being tugged on by the wind, her royal purple peacoat that she loved wrapped around her. But it never happened. Her class came and went and she was nowhere to be seen. Worried, I went into the building and confronted the septuagenarians filing paperwork in the front office. None of the sweet old women had a clue what was going on. I moved to her classroom where her teacher, Ms. Otz, was tidying up the mess the children made.  

"Please" I croaked out almost in tears "Please have you see Mary anywhere?"  

She stood upright and turned to look at me "Oh, Mr. Vets! You scared me!" She took a deep breath and thought. Her skin grew pale before my eyes, she floundered for her words "I- I don't think I've seen Mary since lunch."  

With that my whole world fell apart. We called the police and there was a huge search effort. For weeks the large men in blue uniforms and a not small number of volunteers combed the school and the surrounding woods for any sign of our daughter. The police gave up after the snow started to fall, but we kept searching. Our family and friends help us search until one by one they all gave up and accepted the inevitable. We were never going to see Mary Frankie Vets alive again.  

To Georgie and I's despair, a year and a week after she went missing, we were holding a closed casket funeral for her. She had been declared legally dead. My therapist told me that the funeral would help Georgie and I find closure. In reality all it did was drive us further apart.  

As we were searching for our missing child, our marriage began to slowly fall apart. We stopped copulating. We stopped doing things for each other. Every time he looked at me his eyes burned with rage and guilt. Not long after the funeral he sat me down and asked me for a divorce. I had lost everything I truly cared about.  

It was spring when he moved out. I didn't know how to move on for a long time. I saw my therapist more frequently and threw myself headfirst into my work, but when I was home, I was miserable. Once it became too hot outside to stay in, I began spending my afternoons wandering the woods around my now empty house. I didn't own a lot of land, but enough to have more space than I could possibly need.  

I always felt safe in those woods. The warm shade and singing birds always brought me a sort of comfort. No matter what was happening in my life, they were always there. So, once my work was done for the day, I'd spray on some bug repellant, covered my body in high spf sunscreen, donned my favorite sunhat, and lost myself out in those woods until I got too hungry or tired to keep going.  

It was during one of these self-indulgent woods trips where I found something I couldn't really explain. I was walking through a part of the woods I didn't really visit often because the small lake attracted so many bugs in the heat. I hate bugs, but I wasn't really paying that much attention to where I was until I was looking at the swarming mosquitos and flies over the water. I was just deciding to turn around when something caught my eye. The bright shine of something reflecting the sunlight on the other side.  

I checked my watch and decided to see what it was before I headed home to start making the meatloaf I wanted for dinner. I carefully made my way around the pond trying to avoid both the water and the thorny underbrush as much as possible. When I picked up the thing that had reflected the light a noise of indescribable terror escaped from my throat.  

It was a six-inch-tall ragdoll, made in the same style as my little monsters I had made Mary so long ago. But this ragdoll, it had straight red hair and a royal purple peacoat with little black shoes, its shiny glass eyes looked up at me and I was caught between a scream and a cry. It was soggy and covered in dirt and leaves, but without a doubt it was my daughter.  

I dropped to my knees in disbelief. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't wrap my head around it. Who could have made this? Who tossed it out into the woods? Was this some kind of fucked up joke? I had to force myself to breath, but hot tears rolled down my face regardless. In a way, my daughter had come back to me and I had no idea how to respond.     

Once I had managed to gather myself, I brushed some of the dirt off of her hair and face and carried her under my arm back up to the house. I thought about running the doll through the washing machine, but the hair was too delicate, too much like real hair. It unsettled me a little, but I decided to handwash the doll after dinner. I sat her on the kitchen table and she seemed to watch me with her little glass eyes as I moved around the kitchen preparing dinner and packing up the finished food to last me the next few days.  

I studied her while I ate my meal. I was baffled by the thing's existence. I couldn't think of anyone who would know this style of doll making, know Mary, and be insensitive enough to create something like this. Her little mouth seemed to smile at me, as if she was studying me too. It unsettled me a little.  

When I had finished cleaning her up and had dried her out with the hairdryer, I put her up on my mantle in the living room, right in between Frankenstein and Dracula. She looked like she was just a missing part of the set.  

That night I had restless nightmares and didn't get much sleep. Images of detached limbs crawling towards me and disembodied voices screaming woke me up over and over. In the morning, I had found that the doll that looked like Mary had fallen off of the mantle in the night. I frowned and returned her to her perch, instructing her to "Stay Put Silly" before leaving for work.  

The next few days passed in much the same way. I'd have terrible nightmares all night, find Mary sitting on the floor in the living room and put her back, go to work come home, fill the hours with whatever nonsense I could muster, make dinner, go to bed. Except, every once in a while, I thought I could see something moving out of the corner of my eye. A shadow. Or I'd hear a strange sound, almost a giggle. I put it down to my lack of sleep. Everyone knows that not getting enough sleep messes with your head.  

That was until today. This morning went as usual. Woke up, found Mary on the floor again, far closer to the door than should be logical, but I shrugged it off and went to work. The work day was slow, ambling along at a snail's pace. I chugged coffee, sorted papers, swept floors, chugged more coffee, doing anything and everything to make the day pass by. 

When I finally got home, I was so tired I could feel darkness at the edges of my perception, I was blinking slowly and my body dragged as I pulled myself up the steps to the front door. My hands fumbled and I dropped my keys when I went to unlock the door. At length, I picked my keys up and made my hands cooperate enough so that I could get inside.  

Everything was as it always is when I got inside. The hall was empty, quiet. A haunting reminder of the daughter and husband that used to great me every day. I turned away from the hall to hang up my coat, take off my shoes, and gather up the emotions threatening to spill out all over the carpet. I took a long, deep breath and turned back to the hall. 

Standing in the hall outside of the living room door, as if it were as regular as rain, was the Mary Doll. It took me a moment to confirm what I was seeing. She was on her little toes, black, shiny glass eyes looking up at me, head half tilted upwards.  

I blinked a few times trying to make sense of it all when my knee gave out, which while not uncommon for me didn't help the overwhelming feelings building up in my chest. What happened then only made everything that much worse. 

"Are you ok dad?" came the sound of my daughter's voice, as clear as a bell. 

[uglyassnoodlehead25]

a short love story

I met this girl, we knew each other because we went to the same school but we never knew each other outside of just saying hi because we had mutuals and we're the same age. She has been very obviously gay for as long as i've known her. I never thought I would get to know her the way I did. We shared secrets, laughed, cried, went on adventures, breakfast dates, late night drives with a blunt and music to match the vibe. I've never met someone who has such similar music taste as me. We did all the things you want to do with someone who meant the world to you at one point. We had first times together, taught each other new things, talked about things we wanted to do together. We talked about how effortless it was, how natural it felt. Like it was meant to be. We kept things a secret, we lived in our own little world. Just us. Experiencing things we never had. Enjoying every moment. Not wanting to miss a thing, I was present in every way I knew how.

If there was ever a lesson to learn it was that sometimes people just can't be the person you want them to be. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many conversations you had about what you wanted and needed. No matter how much you discuss the hurt you've already experienced. No matter how many times you cried and said you were willing to do whatever just to be in each others life. Then one day, one of us goes through a life changing experience. Your outlook on everything has completely changed. Your life hasn't been the same since, and the biggest change is that you aren't here anymore and I'll never understand what I did. Why couldn't you spare me the pain and just tell me where we went wrong? this isn't to say I miss you. Although I do. It's a reminder for myself. That some people aren't going to be around forever. Sometimes you only get a year, sometimes its only a few weeks. I didn't get a reason why. Just silence. Its been almost a year since I told you how you made me feel when you abandoned me. To which you didn't respond. I think about it a lot. I always thought you'd be someone who would respond. I know you. To this day, I'm sure you haven't changed much. If you have, I hope it was in the right way. I hope you never hurt someone the way you hurt me. I know you were scared, I was too. I haven't forgiven you yet and I don't know how. I don't know when I'll be able to. I haven't even forgiven myself yet. I want to, you have no idea how badly I want to. The worst part is that after all this time I'm still hurting. I don't know if we'll ever speak again. I don't know what I would say. I am so tired, more tired than I've ever been. I have nothing left. You already knew that, you yelled at me the day after I returned home. I think you knew then that you didn't want to be apart of my life anymore and if I could go back to that day, I think things might have ended differently. The last time we saw each other, I gave you a Christmas present. I never got anything back because we never spoke again. We still live in the same city, and are probably within just a few miles of each other all the time. It hurts to think about and I think about everything often. Is there a chance things could have ended differently? should we have left it at one night like I wanted to? My idea of love hasn't been the same since. I know the person you were then is not who you are now but I hope you think about what you did. I hope you know that I didn't deserve it. Especially not then. I want an apology but I know it won't happen. I am coming to terms with that. I am going to be okay eventually, and when I am please do me one last favor and don't return. I will have come too far at that point.

with love,

her.