#so fuck everyone. I’m gone
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I had a discussion with my boss and I’m so mad still. Cemented my decision to leave. Why is the entire company blaming every problem on my department
#we don’t miss dates bc I’m not doing my job. we miss dates because no one up stream can get their shit together#the product is late before it even gets to me#so fuck off#no one seems to understand what I’m saying and why I’m mad#so fuck everyone. I’m gone#they want to throw people at the problem and force me to supervise them#and at the same time say they want to ‘help get things off my plate’ no fuck you#this isn’t helping. no one’s helping me and I’m screaming crying overwhelmed#the only ppl who care or notice can’t help me and I’m so tired#I can’t keep doing this#fuck this job. fuck this life. and fuck my bosses#I cant say that someone is incompetent but they can overload me with bullshit#fuck off my job is in high demand. I’m being headhunted
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y’know i didn’t figure out what Stimming was until I was like, 19 years old 😭? Anytime I had the urge I’d always suppress it and i think that’s why i was so crazy as a teenager
#I FELT CRAZY#i didn’t know anything abt neurodivergence growing up so I thought I was Crazy and Evil#‘’I’m a sick fucking freak’’ <- has intrusive thoughts and doesn’t know it yet. is having a constant meltdown#so you know. having gone through all that and figured things out. big fan of ND grian AINDJDSK#no one look at me and my favourite characters I’m having a projection moment#literally playing totk rn tho . just had to log on to talk abt grian real fast. back to the grind#link also nd but that’s a given I think everyone knows 🤔
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Finished season 2…
#MAN…………….MAN.#Shima speaks#Squid Game#Squid Game season 2#You know what I’m sure the rebellion would have gone GREAT if In-ho. WASN’T THERE#(Also if Dae-ho didn’t freeze up 😭)#Homie got hit with the PTSD at the wrong time 😔#I keep telling myself that In-ho just doesn’t know what it’s like since he’s the Front Man but then I remember!#Shit wait he’s done this before!#I love how much In-ho and Gi-hun compliment each other. AND how they’re also complete opposites#They both won the Squid Game. Watched people die. And were too late to save the ones they loved#And yet!! And yet. There’s still such a huge difference between their character#Bc Gi-hun is STILL compassionate. Still has faith in people. Is still HUMAN#Meanwhile In-ho isn’t#Imagine what a turn of events this season would have been if Gi-hun’s compassion and humanity actually got through to In-ho…man…#In-ho changing bc of Gi-hun’s faith and care for people and deciding you know what yeah. Fuck it. Fuck THIS. I’m over it#And actually helps with the rebellion all the way to the end. Kills his subordinates bc he’s done with this shit#Anyway what a fucking ROLLERCOASTER holy shit.#HYUN-JU MY FUCKING QUEEN. SHE IS EVERYTHING. SLAY BITCH I LOVE YOU#I will be SO upset if she dies#Also slightly off topic from the ending but AGHHH when they were doing the 5 team race and everyone was cheering!!! It was so sweet 😭#They were all on each other’s side at least in that moment#Just seeing everyone yelling and hollering and cheering on all the teams I wanted to CRY#And then they all try to kill each other later on. Smh#Anyway can’t wait for season 3 to tear me asunder :))))
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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JJK is literally worse than me being an orphan.
#i say this with my whole heart.#is JJK worse than me being an orphan becasue it’s so heart wrenching or is it so heart wrenching because i’m an orphan#seriously if you ever want to know what extreme grief feels like#JJK#is the best way to understand a diluted version of it#or at least the grief i’ve gone through#like the horrible chest caving in and you can’t breathe and you’re like WAIT WHAT- BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP FUCKING DYING#shits wild#gego#geto suguru#sashisu#073#satosugu#jujutsu kaisen#jjk season 2#jujutsu sorcerer#i will continue to live in my delulu land that everyone is alive and happy
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i hate having to chew out commenters for bugging me for updates but sometimes it is quite literally unavoidable… i made the fic anonymous bc i didn’t want my crush to find my acc i did NOT make it anonymous to be harassed 🫤 im sorry for not appreciating yall (black phone commenters) bc there ARE ppl who act worse im sorry i will never forsake yall again.
#do u know how crazy it is someone else was crazy enough to make me miss yall#especially ‘yall’ u know who u r#everyone who’s gone in my dm’s demanding updates?#who threatened to kts if i didn’t update?#yeah i didn’t forget abt u FREAKS#and ur still fucking creepy btw#anyway i’m so glad my regulars (said w love) r NORMAL#kotn fans ty for being normal
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💞
#hellsing#hellsing ultimate#seras victoria#integra hellsing#sertegra#a#hiiiiiii. we’re not gonna look too deeply about what my brains going through Happy Saturday!#day 1 of trying not to think about fucking that old woman. relapsed. relapsed. r#AAHHHHH I’m normal about them I’m normal. I’m normal. my thoughts are normal. and true. and helpful. and inspiring. and necessary. and kind.#actually no yknow what we can look deeply you know exactly what I’m getting at#you have all been cultivated so that everyone is on the same page and knows my brain inside and out#if all has gone well I will have scheduled this then started actual homework. probably not but let’s hope I’m productive
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Once my singed obsession passes I will go back to bill cipher because season 2 of arcane has been genuinely disappointing to me and that’s crazy
#it’s good if season 1 the masterpiece of writing didn’t exist like I wouldn’t care as much#the themes of sisterhood and classism of season 1 were so good… mental illness too#but that’s literally all gone now??? I’m scared for the noxus spin-off#they better not fuck up swain and everyone else too#I will be inconsolable#man#mannn#singed is the only guy who stayed consistent I salute him#I love him#yay#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane critique
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the fun thing about playing make-believe with your friends is that sometimes instead of playing your regular dnd session you instead end up playing a convoluted speed dating game in-universe where you all get so excited about the npcs you’ve made specifically for this purpose and the dates you’re going on in the game in the game that you make plans to play two times in the same week instead of the regular once or twice a month you usually manage
#i invented a character called WRANGLER who is a teenager looking for a date for prom except he’s trying to convince everyone he’s an#adult man. he told everyone he works at the MECHANIC STORE which was originally a genuine misspeak on my part but i leaned into it#one of my friends is playing an imp assistant to the local wizard that we’ve gone to for help before#he’s been doing the dating game for forty years with no luck. we decided he & the wizard have an acrimonious divorce & the imp never got#over it. we had a lot of fun. i also fucked up my throat bc wrangler talks like his idea of an 80s action star#so i’m talking like a teen talking like a gruff dude#chatpost#also my regular dnd character is finally going on a date with the chris pine lookalike blacksmith that was impressed that i ate a bug#for those that remember me posting about that umm. two months ago. or whatever
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me violently sobbing looking at my cat: you don’t know you’re going to die one day
my cat who just wants me to open the door:
#welcome back to me being so fucking scared of the concept of death that I’m inconsolably upset#everything and everyone I’ve ever loved is goin to be gone one day isn’t that so awesome (NO)#think I’m just gonna lay here with my poorly made leif plush and try to sleep#at the end of the day there will always be poorly made Leif plushie………….
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i don’t know how to live in a world without my aunt. i… don’t.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i feel like she’s my last tie to… everything. i feel like she’s the last tie i have to… myself. to my family. to my everything. i feel like#without her I’m… not even a whole human being. she’s my best friend. she’s been my lifelong best friend. she’s been my mom and my dad. she’s#all i have left. and without her…. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel so fucking empty. when I adopt kids what do I have to give them? if I#get married who do I have…? what do I have to give at all and what do I have left?? I want to go home and hug my dogs. I want to just#disappear. I want everything to stop and I don’t know how to make that happen. everyone around me is just… telling happy stories about#places they’ve visited. weddings they’ve gone to. their grandkids. and I… I don’t know. this. this is what I’ve got. and I don’t… I don’t#even fucking know. I feel so empty. I feel so fucking empty. I need to take the next week off.]#negativity /#death /
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In hindsight, I actually need Mike to be the one who initiates his break up with El. Because she’s had most of the control in their relationship for a while, and narratively speaking, his arc requires him to make an unprompted decision for himself about whether he wants to be with her.
#as the series has gone on El has gained agency while Mike has lost his. this is a problem that was set up on purpose so that Mike could#have his queer little ‘‘I’m going after what I really want. fuck everyone else’s opinions’’ arc. good for him good for him#their break up needs to be mutual but he needs to speak up first#mike wheeler#el hopper#stranger things#byler#stranger things final season#stranger things 5#mike wheeler is in love with will byers#mike wheeler is gay#mike wheeler is bi#mike wheeler is queer#mike queer#(not sure they qualify but I’ll add these too)#mike wheeler analysis#st analysis
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i know that i’m an outlier in this but why the fuck is everything in college so late
#em posts#why are all the events at fucking 9pm#and it’s not even like parties and shit#the fucking catholic student center mass is at 9:15#NINE AT NIGHT#and yk it’s gonna take like an hour and a half bcs it’s catholic mass#so then you won’t be back before 11#and it’s during the week too#like what the fuck are y’all doing#everyone’s bitching and moaning about not getting enough sleep#maybe if you weren’t doing supplies bingo until 10:30 you wouldn’t be tired#idk maybe i’m just an old loser#but if im not in bed by 9 something has gone awry in my life
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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I cannot believe the wicked games Drabble was 5000 words long like basically a full ass fic and the low amount of notes it got…
#it makes my heart literally SINK like…#now how am I supposed to post wg4 which is 25k words????#it will not get any interaction and I’m just done#like I just cannot post it#it’ll legit kill me 🥲🥲🥲🥲 to see it flop#after I poured my heart and soul into writing something so fucking long and making sure it was good#just bc I knew I had to give you guys something long and exciting to read#but what’s the point#like I cannot believe it… I literally just cannot believe it and I don’t want to post anything anymore#omfg#I know many people will read this and roll their eyes and find this annoying#like I’m complaining or whatever#honestly think what you want to think#I’m just so shocked and legit unhappy#like so fucking unhappy#like bummed the fuck out#that it’s come to this#I don’t wanna post shit anymore lol#idk if it’s the algorithm or genuinely people don’t fuck with my fics anymore#I just don’t understand#but you guys have to understand how it would kill me on the inside if I posted a 25k fic and it got next to no interaction#like I just….#I’m scared it would make me quit writing completely#bc I’m THIS close#I feel so fucking sad bro idek#like it makes me wanna fucking cry#how… a few months ago everything was fine#now it feels like everyone’s gone#and I wasted my fucking time writing a chapter so fucking long that no one’s gonna read#WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME
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if yall could keep me in your thoughts, i just got some more bad news about college transfers so. that’s really heavy on me at the moment 💔
#cyberdiary [.txt]#vent in the tags >>#i literally feel like a failure. like if i had just worked harder in hs i could’ve gone to a dif school#but then again the past is the past and i can’t change that#and i was bullied and isolated for my whole first year at college#which put my mental in the dumps and made me lose my scholarship#bullied by. someone else in my cohort of underprivileged students. someone i went to hs with.#and she told people i was a racist homophobic horrible person and everyone believed her#instead of taking two fucking seconds to set down and talk to me and maybe realize that shit wasn’t true#anyways. i’m just so tired
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