#so even if im happy that other ppl are nice to me
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#im feeling very sad and low today :((#last year.... i was lonely bc it was the first midsummer my sisters had stopped speaking with me#but i had him. and i messaged with him during the entire day#and i sent him pics of my outfit and he complimented me#said it was pretty and that he liked my necklade and that my dress was nice :(((#i just loved talking to him so much#i miss it a lot like so much i feel empty and hollow without it </3#i can talk to others... and ofc i always appreciate nice things and compliments and messages from people. i really do#but it's just that thing when you are deeply in love with someone and they dont want you#when you're in love everything from that person is like pure liquid gold#so even if im happy that other ppl are nice to me#it's still like... compliments from him just made me come alive and made me so happy#getting attention from your crush and love interest is so special....#plus i just love like everything about him and i loved the way we talked :(#i just feel so empty and hollow bc im sad im so sad#this time last year he made me happy and i could talk to him all day#this time this year we're barely talking :(#and i feel so stupid and pathetic for saying things like i wanna understand him better and ask questions#and that i love him and he's the most special person to me#like can i read the room?!? why do i send shit like that when he is keeping his distance? im just bothering him with that stuff#if only he knew all the thing i have to supress and not tell him lmao#it hurts sm when there are so many things u wanna say to someone but you arent in a position to do so#bc they dont wanna hear it from u. oof that's pain bruv#i keep writing this post because i just cant let it go#i wish i could go back to last year#when he wanted pics from me and wanted me to message him#and we messaged like literally all day everyday#but now i feel bad and annoying for sending him any message :((#well... i am sad and heartbroken and that's just how i feel rn#i cant do anything other than accept it and just keep going 🤙
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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ᯓ★
#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333#also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid#and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me#and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but#i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is#so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel#and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant#i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human#i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back#bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others#that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain#maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about#and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with#and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc#im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life#but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him#what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him#and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt#and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm#pain hahahah :D#and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️
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i mean i should probably stop saying shit just to be mean
#on the other hand....#the social environment cultivated on here almost demands it lest i let people walk all over me#definitely one of those skills i picked up in childhood to survive social situations back then#not a great skill. not even one i particularly like using. in fact i hate this part of me that feels the need to be judgemental#the logical part of me- the more ~~evolved~~ part of my spirit you could say knows its stupid and has hated doing it since forever#i completely stopped for a while. and then my abusive ex did all the shit they did so i felt like i had to dig that judgemental asshole sid#back up to defend myself bc ik thats the level they operate on. but it also started being the level a lot of ppl on here operated on soon#after (and im not entirely unconvinced they weren't an influence as to why people became more of an asshole on here)#(them or twitter. probably a mix of both but mostly twitter users coming here lol. also had to be an ass on twitter to survive)#so now i feel like i have to cling on to this side of myself i was more than happy to let rot in the dirt bc if i dont then people are gonn#use my vulnerability and niceness and lack of desire to use ad hom n shit against me so they can bully and abuse me and say whatever#and i have to keep this image up of being unphased and happy all the time and then i snap and then its a whole problem to people#so basically be nothing ever bc ppl on here will think thats you forever moral of story i guess im not sure.#best advice i can give: dont exist online publicly in any significant way. if you wanna be a pfpless. bioless account that is your god give#fuckin right okay. never are you obligated to be part of this shit and im personally telling you its hell and if i knew then what i knew#now i would have never started coming on to tumblr in the first place. its cool i learned about all this queer stuff or whatever but it#sucks otherwise#tumblr. twitter. insta. any social media where the point is to make posts and write posts more than anything else#dont bother. so much is lost in text-style communication. bridging gaps is nearly impossible. you will always be misunderstood#i think thats the case for most vocal communication but ESPECIALLY digitally
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kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)
#guys i have worth??? im actually a human being deserving of basic respect and SHOULD be apologised to if i am not given that??? holy shit#ok but like i actually was pretty mad and i just wasn't going to talk to them when the weekend ended but to think they'd actually apologise#guys i am a friend worth apologising to omg this is so nice#(<- was fuming over how i was a “friend” not even worthy of her basic decency and respect an hour ago)#LIKE IM STILL MAD#okay i actually cant vaguepost to save my life but basically this girl whos a friend i recently got close to and formed a friendgroup with#shes really fucking whiny and ive been tolerating it for so long but on friday she was extremely whiny and rude whenever i just asked a#simple question#and it's really draining and humiliating to be spoken to like poop on the sidewalk in front of other people#but anyway other than that i was really upset because during pe i wanted to show her my hip injury cuz i thought it was funny#(it wasn't diagnosed yet i just felt my joints moving weirdly)#and like that involves her putting her hand on my hip#so i asked her to do that then she started whining about how she doesn't want to touch me and that i'm weird for asking ppl to touch me#then she started telling like the 3 other ppl around us i was weird and wanted ppl to touch me#then this other cool girl overheard and looked at us funny i guess cuz then the friend said 'haha now [cool girls name] is also laughing'#i was so fucking embarrassed and humiliated i still want to tear up thinking about it#like are you actually my friend wtf i don't even need enemies w a friend like you#i wanted to cry so bad then#ugh i hate it#like you couldve just said no thanks bro what is ur problem#this just made me realise how much i hate how she talks to me sometimes#and i know i need to stop surrounding myself with negative vibes in order to feel happy#but its still so frustrating#we were doing so well the other day and google meeting everyday#then this happened and then she got mad and started ignoring me on the way home#bro idk i hate ts i should just stop making friends#rant
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the black transmasc experience is so different from the white one i’m glad there’s at least one other person i know who gets it
It really is!!! Like I was aware before, but I wasn't *Aware* just how pissed off I was about white gender standards until I really started openly transitioning. Growing up on Tumblr didn't help one bit either lmao. I kept writing essays here about it but wanted to keep this short lol
#I went off about having to earn femininity as a kid and how the olympics shit happening rn#happens to black women everywhere all the time and how I tried to force myself into#white transmasc androgyny but eventually started looking like my dad and being happy about it#fear of crossing over into 'Scary Black Man' territory cause of my size#[Im working on this internalized bias cause I still get worried about how ppl would treat me if I dropped more of the soft boy look#and started looking like my dad or any other random black guy on the street]#and don't even get me started on the lack of medical knowledge about black transmasc ppl#tryna get top surgery was Wild bro#okay I'm done otherwise I'll write essays again but it's so nice seeing other black transmasc ppl here on tumblr#I see a few ppl reblog stuff about being black and trans but have know idea who is an ally and who is also black and trans
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Just out of curiosity, anyone else get like elevated mood, insane evergy, or like unhinged focus while on their period?
#i dont know what to call it to try to search what that would even be#it doesnt happen all the time and i dont think its like mania bc most of the time it doesnt really feel good#it feels like i want to run around in circles screaming and kicking things#most of the time i get fucked up and anxious but every so often my body is like. here as a treat u get enhanced focus#and then i feel my my brain is gonna vibrate outta my skull. but this time its actually nice bc i just feel kinda happy?#but like with an edge of. something feels wrong and i have too much energy but also i wanna lay down#ay. today was supposed to be my day off. then i got roped into helping with sampling#maybe if my mood stays stable i can try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist Tomorrow morning#but i am currently impaired by lack of sleep lmao#i should say. the upward moodswing thing isnt usually worrying. i mean it makes ne feel nuts but it doesn't make me do anything terribly#irratic or dangerous. its just weird and im sure if it happens to me it happens to other ppl so im curious#unrelated#tw periods
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Izzy Hands cosplay is far from perfect (my grey hairs are still too few and don't show well, and I need actual leathers someday that eventually I'm gonna be able to save for dang it) but! It is v comfy and it's nice to dress up for the holiday
Bonus Izzy pumpkin that Housemate helped me carve bc they Get It re: characters that live in your bones after the first time you see them and when something frustrating/sad/etc happens to them. They helped get the lil tattoo looking much better!
#text and photo post#im looking forward to improving the izzy cosplay once i have the funds for it#bc it'll be a bonus as my first actually leather item proper#since finding comfort and welcome in the leather community#is this a low key dig at the show for (probably accidentally but still) doing the leather community dirty#in how they treated izzy and anyone who showed a rougher/different sort of queer on the show#yeah but no one really cares so im just sitting with it along with all the other complex show feelings now lmao#this is still lowkey the comfiest thing ive ever put together and i need more reasons to wear it all lol#also expect more fix it and other sorts of funking with canon to improve it somehow fic from me soon#as of the last two days i have like twelve new drafts my writer brain is So Frustrated with the show for all the characters as of the finale#ooh also. i keep forgetting things sorry i am VERY stoned to avoid some emotions tonight#also. Housemate was lovely and gave me the current vest to keep and i am so happy and grateful for it#bc it's my first ever from the mens section vest (yes i came out Very Late compared to most ppl. i came out in ND this can't b shocking lol)#and it fits nicely even with me not having top sx yet and i just love it#wouldn't mind figuring out how to sew leather onto it somehow to give it the look tbh just bc of how nicely it fits#im rambling im emotional I'm izzy shouting at the unicorn ill stop sorry y'all
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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had the best day evers :]] yippieeeeee
#kiwifae says shit#my friend invited me to hang out a some of her friends (i did kinda know a few of them) and it was such a blast i had the actual best time#we ended up playing video games and fucking around for the entire day#it was so funnn!!#i'm a very physical kind of person and i'm really not used to ppl returning it but today i ended up wrestling w one of the kids multiple#times#and sharing a couch w four other ppl while we gamed and by the end me and the guy who was the host were leaning on each other as we played#ik that's like a little thing to fixate on but i'm just really not used to physical contact in a friendship cuz my other two friends who i'#had since forever are so not into touching (or maybe just from me idk) like i feel awkward just patting them on the shoulder#so this was really nice :]#they even had a cat lol#and at the end when i left i swapped numbers w the host and he outright told me that 'he really liked my vibe' and hoped i'd#be able to hang out again sometime :]#and im just v happy rn
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i hate being alone at my house i get so fucking paranoid
#what i love abt my dorm is that there are always ppl around me. even if its just the ppl next door the chatter helps me sleep sm more#soundly !! like ik that feels counterintuitive but being home while ny dads on a night shift causes me sm anxiety i wake up multiple times#during my sleep. being around/in the same room as other ppl is just so nice#its why despite my roommate not rly giving a fuck abt me im still happy she’s there#.txt
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amelia suffers from "fandom designated Nice Girl"
#hfjone#said this in a server but i actually think i finally worded it well#this isnt me getting mad at anyone in particular!!! but. i have a lot of thiughts on this#look. shes really nice and kind. she is VERY sweet a lot. but that is not all she is :(#and the only times ppl even WRITE that is when they want to make her. 'Snap?' i guess? or be 'worried about the boys' or smth?#it makes me a little sad :(#because she can and would kick your ass if you deserved it without hesitation#but shes always framed with the others and i. man#idk. wears shirt that says ask me about amelia euler#cus liam is my favorite character. but amelia is VERY important to me and high up there#shes an incredibly written person but people often . mute her character so bad and im like :(#(if they DO make her nice but capable of kicking ass they often . exaggerate that too anyway#like early 2000s cartoon girl whos 'nice but doesnt take bullshit!!! and looks out for her boys >:(' if that makes any sense#idk idk if this is coherent! i just have so many thoughts on her#(also yes this was prompted cus my amelia bloodshed post is getting more notes qnd that makes me VERY happy!!!)#ADDITIONAL note: this wasnt prompted by any recent posts in the tag i promise. just a general thing!!!
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i love extroverts that use their extrovert-powers for good
#there are the annoying popular extroverts AND THEN THE NICEST PPL EVER#theres this one girl#and we BARELY ever talk#and she always waves at me and walks over to me in class and talks to me#FOR LIKE NO REASON??!!#AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY#like she has science jusf before me and when we see each other she always smiles at me and starts talking to me and GDJAJAJ#SHES JUST SO NICE#like she doesnt even know me??!!#i have no idea why she always is so friendly but it makes me so happy#like every school day im just looking foreward to saying hi to her in the hallways SHES THE NICEST PERSON EVER I CANT#and today#she found out it was my birthday#AND SHE MESSAGED ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY#im not used to ppl who barely know me just going out of their way to talk to me#IT MADE ME SO HAPPY#river rambles
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🦋
#hmmmm.#so as a rule i say thank you when i go out. a lot. bc i was told once that saying thank you instead of im sorry#would make ppl feel less uncomfortable so i swapped the phrases out.#similarly i was told once that compliments make ppl happy&also if im specifically looking for Good Things#i will find them-- as opposed to letting my head do whatever it wants bc given the extremely violent intrusive+obsessive thoughts#directing it towards Good Things works out for everyone if ppl enjoy compliments.#im also like. extremely aware that these facts-- along w my fervent occasionally manic insistence on being Nice when interacting w ppl#(bc i thought we all were told as kids to treat others the way we wanted to be treated??? lmao.)#-- all add up to make me seem insincere at times or to some ppl. i. dont care. LMAO.#its too exhausting to care. like ppl find whatever they want to find&if ppl are so set on my being a certain way#so much so that my being a nice person can only be explained by nefarious intent (to acheive. what. kindness from others? lmao.)#how in the fuck can any of that be my fault or-- MUCH more importantly-- my problem???#however lately its like ppl have been getting like. Offended. by the impulses. which is becoming... boring. for me. lmao.#bc it isnt like i dont mean it when im extensively polite&complimentary-- i mean everything i say bc even when anxiously filling silence#i dont like wasting my time on like. lying for no reason lmao.#its more so that if it becomes a hinderance to be myself ill go the route that benefits me which is the one of least resistance#&i will ALSO mean it when i make someone cry w exactly the same amount of effort lmao#bc proving a point-- even if its proving someone elses point-- correct is extremely easy either way lmao.#its weird to me that ppl would think seeing good in something means that seeing bad in it isnt possible lmao#the same way its extremely confusing to me that ppl would think kindness&abject cruelty cant like. coexist lmao.#i feel accepting that on a micro level would help ppl accept it on a macro level.#either way i know it would save me some time in having to deal w ppl biting off more than they can chew#before realizing that i will rip chunks out of them&lick the tears up like a dog if they insist on tempting me like one LMAO.#at the very least it might help more ppl appreciate the fact that regardless of how vivid the fantasies#i have yet to hit anyone repeatedly w a baseball bat to relieve some stress.#... lmao.
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Not a request, just wanted to say that I am SO SO happy that you’re back! Your writing always has me sobbing internally because you are so TALENTED 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
ahh thank you darling <3 that's so sweet of you! ppl like u give me The Strength tBH
anon: I’m so happy to see you back 💜💜💜You were the first tumblr I followed when i joined in the early stages of the pandemic and to this day i still come back to reread your work. I hope you’ve been well! 🌸
I've been so well! :) im glad that i came back and honestly, i'd come and re-read some of the things people sent these past three years sand they've gotten me through more than i can say <3
EHAT THE FUCK I JUST READ UR NARUTO KISSING HEADCANNONS AND FJSJAKSJAHAJAJDJAJA IM SO 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫 IM IN LVOE WITH HIM THEY WERE SO GOOOOOOOD
LMAO THANK YOU!!!
Your way with words is just *chefs kiss* Absolutely phenomenal 😌
U__U <3
It is always lovely to see you pop up on my dash! I hope you’ve been doing well :)
thank you!!!
#anon love#<3#sometimes i keep the sweetest messages in my inbox just so i can save them for a rainy day haha#i dont think ppl realize how much it makes my day (or any writers day for that matter) when someone responds#in any kind of way -- whether it be in tags or replies or with a message or an IM#bc sure; it's nice to say that “you write for yourself” -- and it's true#i do write for me; i write the things that i'd like to read or that make me happy#but the motivation and happiness it brings to know that just ONe other person; let alone hundreds sometimes!!!;#has read something uve written and was touched or moved or even provoked by it#that's something outside of pure “i do this for me” bc sure; i write these fics for me;#but listen!!! i wrote them for you too!! yes you!! reading this right now! you!#🌧 raindrops
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I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).
#diary#personal#on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes#like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me?#like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap#like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange#fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate#idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh.#it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness.#heck i even mask everything inbetween.#honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC#i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me.#idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere#i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things).#i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need.#id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out.#id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend.#id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now.#i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings .#like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order.#HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want????#i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food.#eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted.#yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought.#over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain.#i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me.#like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk.#maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy.#theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless.#i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.
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