#so even if im happy that other ppl are nice to me
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#im feeling very sad and low today :((#last year.... i was lonely bc it was the first midsummer my sisters had stopped speaking with me#but i had him. and i messaged with him during the entire day#and i sent him pics of my outfit and he complimented me#said it was pretty and that he liked my necklade and that my dress was nice :(((#i just loved talking to him so much#i miss it a lot like so much i feel empty and hollow without it </3#i can talk to others... and ofc i always appreciate nice things and compliments and messages from people. i really do#but it's just that thing when you are deeply in love with someone and they dont want you#when you're in love everything from that person is like pure liquid gold#so even if im happy that other ppl are nice to me#it's still like... compliments from him just made me come alive and made me so happy#getting attention from your crush and love interest is so special....#plus i just love like everything about him and i loved the way we talked :(#i just feel so empty and hollow bc im sad im so sad#this time last year he made me happy and i could talk to him all day#this time this year we're barely talking :(#and i feel so stupid and pathetic for saying things like i wanna understand him better and ask questions#and that i love him and he's the most special person to me#like can i read the room?!? why do i send shit like that when he is keeping his distance? im just bothering him with that stuff#if only he knew all the thing i have to supress and not tell him lmao#it hurts sm when there are so many things u wanna say to someone but you arent in a position to do so#bc they dont wanna hear it from u. oof that's pain bruv#i keep writing this post because i just cant let it go#i wish i could go back to last year#when he wanted pics from me and wanted me to message him#and we messaged like literally all day everyday#but now i feel bad and annoying for sending him any message :((#well... i am sad and heartbroken and that's just how i feel rn#i cant do anything other than accept it and just keep going 🤙
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i mean i should probably stop saying shit just to be mean
#on the other hand....#the social environment cultivated on here almost demands it lest i let people walk all over me#definitely one of those skills i picked up in childhood to survive social situations back then#not a great skill. not even one i particularly like using. in fact i hate this part of me that feels the need to be judgemental#the logical part of me- the more ~~evolved~~ part of my spirit you could say knows its stupid and has hated doing it since forever#i completely stopped for a while. and then my abusive ex did all the shit they did so i felt like i had to dig that judgemental asshole sid#back up to defend myself bc ik thats the level they operate on. but it also started being the level a lot of ppl on here operated on soon#after (and im not entirely unconvinced they weren't an influence as to why people became more of an asshole on here)#(them or twitter. probably a mix of both but mostly twitter users coming here lol. also had to be an ass on twitter to survive)#so now i feel like i have to cling on to this side of myself i was more than happy to let rot in the dirt bc if i dont then people are gonn#use my vulnerability and niceness and lack of desire to use ad hom n shit against me so they can bully and abuse me and say whatever#and i have to keep this image up of being unphased and happy all the time and then i snap and then its a whole problem to people#so basically be nothing ever bc ppl on here will think thats you forever moral of story i guess im not sure.#best advice i can give: dont exist online publicly in any significant way. if you wanna be a pfpless. bioless account that is your god give#fuckin right okay. never are you obligated to be part of this shit and im personally telling you its hell and if i knew then what i knew#now i would have never started coming on to tumblr in the first place. its cool i learned about all this queer stuff or whatever but it#sucks otherwise#tumblr. twitter. insta. any social media where the point is to make posts and write posts more than anything else#dont bother. so much is lost in text-style communication. bridging gaps is nearly impossible. you will always be misunderstood#i think thats the case for most vocal communication but ESPECIALLY digitally
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kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)
#guys i have worth??? im actually a human being deserving of basic respect and SHOULD be apologised to if i am not given that??? holy shit#ok but like i actually was pretty mad and i just wasn't going to talk to them when the weekend ended but to think they'd actually apologise#guys i am a friend worth apologising to omg this is so nice#(<- was fuming over how i was a “friend” not even worthy of her basic decency and respect an hour ago)#LIKE IM STILL MAD#okay i actually cant vaguepost to save my life but basically this girl whos a friend i recently got close to and formed a friendgroup with#shes really fucking whiny and ive been tolerating it for so long but on friday she was extremely whiny and rude whenever i just asked a#simple question#and it's really draining and humiliating to be spoken to like poop on the sidewalk in front of other people#but anyway other than that i was really upset because during pe i wanted to show her my hip injury cuz i thought it was funny#(it wasn't diagnosed yet i just felt my joints moving weirdly)#and like that involves her putting her hand on my hip#so i asked her to do that then she started whining about how she doesn't want to touch me and that i'm weird for asking ppl to touch me#then she started telling like the 3 other ppl around us i was weird and wanted ppl to touch me#then this other cool girl overheard and looked at us funny i guess cuz then the friend said 'haha now [cool girls name] is also laughing'#i was so fucking embarrassed and humiliated i still want to tear up thinking about it#like are you actually my friend wtf i don't even need enemies w a friend like you#i wanted to cry so bad then#ugh i hate it#like you couldve just said no thanks bro what is ur problem#this just made me realise how much i hate how she talks to me sometimes#and i know i need to stop surrounding myself with negative vibes in order to feel happy#but its still so frustrating#we were doing so well the other day and google meeting everyday#then this happened and then she got mad and started ignoring me on the way home#bro idk i hate ts i should just stop making friends#rant
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the black transmasc experience is so different from the white one i’m glad there’s at least one other person i know who gets it
It really is!!! Like I was aware before, but I wasn't *Aware* just how pissed off I was about white gender standards until I really started openly transitioning. Growing up on Tumblr didn't help one bit either lmao. I kept writing essays here about it but wanted to keep this short lol
#I went off about having to earn femininity as a kid and how the olympics shit happening rn#happens to black women everywhere all the time and how I tried to force myself into#white transmasc androgyny but eventually started looking like my dad and being happy about it#fear of crossing over into 'Scary Black Man' territory cause of my size#[Im working on this internalized bias cause I still get worried about how ppl would treat me if I dropped more of the soft boy look#and started looking like my dad or any other random black guy on the street]#and don't even get me started on the lack of medical knowledge about black transmasc ppl#tryna get top surgery was Wild bro#okay I'm done otherwise I'll write essays again but it's so nice seeing other black transmasc ppl here on tumblr#I see a few ppl reblog stuff about being black and trans but have know idea who is an ally and who is also black and trans
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Just out of curiosity, anyone else get like elevated mood, insane evergy, or like unhinged focus while on their period?
#i dont know what to call it to try to search what that would even be#it doesnt happen all the time and i dont think its like mania bc most of the time it doesnt really feel good#it feels like i want to run around in circles screaming and kicking things#most of the time i get fucked up and anxious but every so often my body is like. here as a treat u get enhanced focus#and then i feel my my brain is gonna vibrate outta my skull. but this time its actually nice bc i just feel kinda happy?#but like with an edge of. something feels wrong and i have too much energy but also i wanna lay down#ay. today was supposed to be my day off. then i got roped into helping with sampling#maybe if my mood stays stable i can try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist Tomorrow morning#but i am currently impaired by lack of sleep lmao#i should say. the upward moodswing thing isnt usually worrying. i mean it makes ne feel nuts but it doesn't make me do anything terribly#irratic or dangerous. its just weird and im sure if it happens to me it happens to other ppl so im curious#unrelated#tw periods
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Izzy Hands cosplay is far from perfect (my grey hairs are still too few and don't show well, and I need actual leathers someday that eventually I'm gonna be able to save for dang it) but! It is v comfy and it's nice to dress up for the holiday
Bonus Izzy pumpkin that Housemate helped me carve bc they Get It re: characters that live in your bones after the first time you see them and when something frustrating/sad/etc happens to them. They helped get the lil tattoo looking much better!
#text and photo post#im looking forward to improving the izzy cosplay once i have the funds for it#bc it'll be a bonus as my first actually leather item proper#since finding comfort and welcome in the leather community#is this a low key dig at the show for (probably accidentally but still) doing the leather community dirty#in how they treated izzy and anyone who showed a rougher/different sort of queer on the show#yeah but no one really cares so im just sitting with it along with all the other complex show feelings now lmao#this is still lowkey the comfiest thing ive ever put together and i need more reasons to wear it all lol#also expect more fix it and other sorts of funking with canon to improve it somehow fic from me soon#as of the last two days i have like twelve new drafts my writer brain is So Frustrated with the show for all the characters as of the finale#ooh also. i keep forgetting things sorry i am VERY stoned to avoid some emotions tonight#also. Housemate was lovely and gave me the current vest to keep and i am so happy and grateful for it#bc it's my first ever from the mens section vest (yes i came out Very Late compared to most ppl. i came out in ND this can't b shocking lol)#and it fits nicely even with me not having top sx yet and i just love it#wouldn't mind figuring out how to sew leather onto it somehow to give it the look tbh just bc of how nicely it fits#im rambling im emotional I'm izzy shouting at the unicorn ill stop sorry y'all
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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had the best day evers :]] yippieeeeee
#kiwifae says shit#my friend invited me to hang out a some of her friends (i did kinda know a few of them) and it was such a blast i had the actual best time#we ended up playing video games and fucking around for the entire day#it was so funnn!!#i'm a very physical kind of person and i'm really not used to ppl returning it but today i ended up wrestling w one of the kids multiple#times#and sharing a couch w four other ppl while we gamed and by the end me and the guy who was the host were leaning on each other as we played#ik that's like a little thing to fixate on but i'm just really not used to physical contact in a friendship cuz my other two friends who i'#had since forever are so not into touching (or maybe just from me idk) like i feel awkward just patting them on the shoulder#so this was really nice :]#they even had a cat lol#and at the end when i left i swapped numbers w the host and he outright told me that 'he really liked my vibe' and hoped i'd#be able to hang out again sometime :]#and im just v happy rn
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i hate being alone at my house i get so fucking paranoid
#what i love abt my dorm is that there are always ppl around me. even if its just the ppl next door the chatter helps me sleep sm more#soundly !! like ik that feels counterintuitive but being home while ny dads on a night shift causes me sm anxiety i wake up multiple times#during my sleep. being around/in the same room as other ppl is just so nice#its why despite my roommate not rly giving a fuck abt me im still happy she’s there#.txt
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amelia suffers from "fandom designated Nice Girl"
#hfjone#said this in a server but i actually think i finally worded it well#this isnt me getting mad at anyone in particular!!! but. i have a lot of thiughts on this#look. shes really nice and kind. she is VERY sweet a lot. but that is not all she is :(#and the only times ppl even WRITE that is when they want to make her. 'Snap?' i guess? or be 'worried about the boys' or smth?#it makes me a little sad :(#because she can and would kick your ass if you deserved it without hesitation#but shes always framed with the others and i. man#idk. wears shirt that says ask me about amelia euler#cus liam is my favorite character. but amelia is VERY important to me and high up there#shes an incredibly written person but people often . mute her character so bad and im like :(#(if they DO make her nice but capable of kicking ass they often . exaggerate that too anyway#like early 2000s cartoon girl whos 'nice but doesnt take bullshit!!! and looks out for her boys >:(' if that makes any sense#idk idk if this is coherent! i just have so many thoughts on her#(also yes this was prompted cus my amelia bloodshed post is getting more notes qnd that makes me VERY happy!!!)#ADDITIONAL note: this wasnt prompted by any recent posts in the tag i promise. just a general thing!!!
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i love extroverts that use their extrovert-powers for good
#there are the annoying popular extroverts AND THEN THE NICEST PPL EVER#theres this one girl#and we BARELY ever talk#and she always waves at me and walks over to me in class and talks to me#FOR LIKE NO REASON??!!#AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY#like she has science jusf before me and when we see each other she always smiles at me and starts talking to me and GDJAJAJ#SHES JUST SO NICE#like she doesnt even know me??!!#i have no idea why she always is so friendly but it makes me so happy#like every school day im just looking foreward to saying hi to her in the hallways SHES THE NICEST PERSON EVER I CANT#and today#she found out it was my birthday#AND SHE MESSAGED ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY#im not used to ppl who barely know me just going out of their way to talk to me#IT MADE ME SO HAPPY#river rambles
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🦋
#hmmmm.#so as a rule i say thank you when i go out. a lot. bc i was told once that saying thank you instead of im sorry#would make ppl feel less uncomfortable so i swapped the phrases out.#similarly i was told once that compliments make ppl happy&also if im specifically looking for Good Things#i will find them-- as opposed to letting my head do whatever it wants bc given the extremely violent intrusive+obsessive thoughts#directing it towards Good Things works out for everyone if ppl enjoy compliments.#im also like. extremely aware that these facts-- along w my fervent occasionally manic insistence on being Nice when interacting w ppl#(bc i thought we all were told as kids to treat others the way we wanted to be treated??? lmao.)#-- all add up to make me seem insincere at times or to some ppl. i. dont care. LMAO.#its too exhausting to care. like ppl find whatever they want to find&if ppl are so set on my being a certain way#so much so that my being a nice person can only be explained by nefarious intent (to acheive. what. kindness from others? lmao.)#how in the fuck can any of that be my fault or-- MUCH more importantly-- my problem???#however lately its like ppl have been getting like. Offended. by the impulses. which is becoming... boring. for me. lmao.#bc it isnt like i dont mean it when im extensively polite&complimentary-- i mean everything i say bc even when anxiously filling silence#i dont like wasting my time on like. lying for no reason lmao.#its more so that if it becomes a hinderance to be myself ill go the route that benefits me which is the one of least resistance#&i will ALSO mean it when i make someone cry w exactly the same amount of effort lmao#bc proving a point-- even if its proving someone elses point-- correct is extremely easy either way lmao.#its weird to me that ppl would think seeing good in something means that seeing bad in it isnt possible lmao#the same way its extremely confusing to me that ppl would think kindness&abject cruelty cant like. coexist lmao.#i feel accepting that on a micro level would help ppl accept it on a macro level.#either way i know it would save me some time in having to deal w ppl biting off more than they can chew#before realizing that i will rip chunks out of them&lick the tears up like a dog if they insist on tempting me like one LMAO.#at the very least it might help more ppl appreciate the fact that regardless of how vivid the fantasies#i have yet to hit anyone repeatedly w a baseball bat to relieve some stress.#... lmao.
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Not a request, just wanted to say that I am SO SO happy that you’re back! Your writing always has me sobbing internally because you are so TALENTED 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
ahh thank you darling <3 that's so sweet of you! ppl like u give me The Strength tBH
anon: I’m so happy to see you back 💜💜💜You were the first tumblr I followed when i joined in the early stages of the pandemic and to this day i still come back to reread your work. I hope you’ve been well! 🌸
I've been so well! :) im glad that i came back and honestly, i'd come and re-read some of the things people sent these past three years sand they've gotten me through more than i can say <3
EHAT THE FUCK I JUST READ UR NARUTO KISSING HEADCANNONS AND FJSJAKSJAHAJAJDJAJA IM SO 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫 IM IN LVOE WITH HIM THEY WERE SO GOOOOOOOD
LMAO THANK YOU!!!
Your way with words is just *chefs kiss* Absolutely phenomenal 😌
U__U <3
It is always lovely to see you pop up on my dash! I hope you’ve been doing well :)
thank you!!!
#anon love#<3#sometimes i keep the sweetest messages in my inbox just so i can save them for a rainy day haha#i dont think ppl realize how much it makes my day (or any writers day for that matter) when someone responds#in any kind of way -- whether it be in tags or replies or with a message or an IM#bc sure; it's nice to say that “you write for yourself” -- and it's true#i do write for me; i write the things that i'd like to read or that make me happy#but the motivation and happiness it brings to know that just ONe other person; let alone hundreds sometimes!!!;#has read something uve written and was touched or moved or even provoked by it#that's something outside of pure “i do this for me” bc sure; i write these fics for me;#but listen!!! i wrote them for you too!! yes you!! reading this right now! you!#🌧 raindrops
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I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).
#diary#personal#on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes#like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me?#like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap#like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange#fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate#idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh.#it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness.#heck i even mask everything inbetween.#honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC#i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me.#idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere#i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things).#i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need.#id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out.#id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend.#id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now.#i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings .#like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order.#HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want????#i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food.#eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted.#yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought.#over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain.#i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me.#like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk.#maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy.#theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless.#i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.
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Bruh this is why I hate inviting ppl to my new blogs bc wth :/ literally so annoying isn’t it common courtesy to be like hey ! I was sad to see you deactivate bla bla bla im glad to see you’re back etc etc etc <- THATS WHAT EVERYONE DOES ?? And also ! The way ppl be like making whole ass posts when ppl deactivate but they did not even do that for me, and the ppl who DID have my socials, didn’t even ask shit abt why I deactivated etc like bro —
#dora daily#listen this is my problem … I DONT UNDERSTAND why they do stuff for every other person they’re mutuals with EXCEPT me#like whenever ppl make new moots they come pop in and be like hi ^^ ! you have a cool *insert thing here* and im happy to be mutuals with#you etc etc etc#THEY DO THAT ! nobody does that with me at all#and the thing is ! if nobody did that in general then that’d be JUST FINE#but it sets a precedent that I have to do that FIRST all the time#and for WHAT ?!#I only ever get absolutely ignored by everyone.#like - I send an ask that I gathered up all my courage and energy and everything to send#I mentally prepared myself#and then I only get ignored#like wth :/#and it’s the same thing with Eris all over again#it’s the same thing with my old tumblr blog#I thought that that girl was nice …#but she is not !#ykw .. I’m gonna ask Athena if I ever come off in a certain way or anything in her honest opinion bc I’m going mad#like#what vibe do I give off ? am I doing something wrong ? like I could’ve sworn I act exactly like everyone else ??#but Athena has been mia for a while and idk …#like listen ;; why on earth would you willingly mutual me if you’re gonna ignore me in the rare chance I even interact#like I’m not holding anybody at gunpoint I swear#?!!:&392292#ykw. I’m probably autistic#bc the way this happens irl and online with completely different ppl is insaneeee#and the thing. is IM FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT goddamit I swear I ammmmm#and there’s nobody on earth more observant on my OWN behaviour than I am#if anything I am hyper aware !#so like that shouldn’t be the issue
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