#so at some point i just stopped trying to be the social butterfly everyone wanted me to be

[verstappen-cult]

SWEET LIKE VANILLA, M. VERSTAPPEN.

PAIRING. female reader x max verstappen.

SUMMARY — You send Max some ice cream from your brother’s company.

GWEN’S RADIO MESSAGE. i saw a lot of people talking on tw about charles sending max some of LEC ice cream for him to try and i thought. . . why not write that with reader? so here we are. hope you like this silly little thing. comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

“Hey,” You say, scrolling through your phone as your brother flops down next to you. “Could you give me a box of the Vanillove ice cream?”

Charles looks at you for a minute without saying anything, until he shrugs and focuses on the TV. “I thought you hated vanilla.”

“Well, yours is pretty good so,” You shrug, turning to look at him with a pout on your lips and puppy eyes. “Would you do that for your favorite sister?”

“You’re my only sister.” He says, rolling his eyes. “And you’re annoying, but you also know I can’t say no to you.”

“Say no to what?” Arthur pops up from behind the kitchen counter. What is he doing? You don’t know.

“To give me a box of ice cream.”

“You say you couldn’t do that!”

“Of course I can, I just didn’t want to do it for you.” Charles laughs, dodging the water bottle your younger brother throws at him. “Are you two going to the masters this Sunday, right?”

“Yes!” Arthur shouts before disappearing into his room.

“Who is going to the masters again?” Leo wakes up from his nap next to you and climbs on your lap, demanding attention.

“Well, I think Enzo and Charlotte. Lando, Arthur.” He says, checking something on his phone before saying, “And Max.”

Your heart skips a beat at the mention of Max Verstappen.

The thing is, ever since you decided to partner with Joris and help with whatever thing he and Charles needed and, of course, his social media, you’ve been traveling with them since Las Vegas last year. Which means that you’re a constant presence on the paddock these days. And, thanks to that, you’ve become very close with some of the drivers, especially with one more than the others.

You weren’t looking for it, it kind of just happened when you bumped into him at a nightclub in Las Vegas after your own brother ditched you to make out with some random guy in the bathrooms. Max was kind enough to keep you company and then, when your brother stumbled out of the bathroom too drunk to remember his own name, he drove you both back to your hotel. He even made sure you were in your room before saying goodbye and going to his own hotel.

From then on you couldn’t stop bumping into him literally everywhere, so, it was only natural that you’d start making conversation, then following each other on Instagram was just as natural as moving the conversation to text messages (it was easier).

Your friendship has developed so much that you’ve been running together around Monaco lately, after you bumped into him at seven in the morning, surprised to see him running the same path as you.

And if you had a crush on the Red Bull driver before you started to be friendly with each other, well, nobody needs to know that — especially not your brothers or you’ll never hear the end of it. It was hard to act normal around him at first. You were just a girl with a crush, after all. But things have become a lot easier with time to the point of forgetting about the big, fat crush you have on the Dutchman. Well, that is until he does or says something that has you blushing and stuttering and acting like a complete fool in front of him.

Knowing that Max is going to be there this Sunday is equally mortifying, and exciting.

“Oh, okay.” You smile, scratching behind Leo’s ears while your brother has his eyes on you. “I’m coming, by the way.”

Charles hums, “The box is going to be here tomorrow.”

Your belly erupts with butterflies at the thought of what you’re about to do with that box of ice cream.

It’s Sunday, sunny and everyone is wearing their best clothes while waiting for the match to start.

You’re standing next to Lando, who is talking to Charles about the next race, when you see Max Verstappen coming in.

He’s wearing some blue navy linen pants with a white button down of the same material, a pair of dark sunglasses and his singular smirk.

Max is greeted by your older brother, who is quick to engage in conversation about some random thing you can’t hear from where you are standing.

But then he’s excusing himself and walking over to you.

You don’t know if he’s actually looking at you thanks to the sunglasses covering his eyes, but you feel small and shy nonetheless.

“Hey, mate.” Lando claps his shoulder, making space for Max to stand between you and him.

“Hey,” This time you know he’s looking at you because his entire body is turned in your direction.

“Hey, Maxie.” You say, the corners of your mouth curling up. “Nice clothes.” You cringe the second the words leave your lips. Nice clothes, really?

Max just chuckles before looking over to your brother. “Hey, Charlie. Thanks for the ice cream.”

Oh. My. God.

Shit.

Fuck.

You had forgotten about that.

Well, no. You hadn’t forgotten about it because, in fact, you've been thinking about the box of LEC ice cream that you sent Max all week.

You didn’t think he was going to bring it up, because you were sure he was going to think that Charles was nice enough to send his friend some of his ice cream. Or even that it was some PR move from his part.

However, he brings it up in front of you. And Lando. And the owner of the ice cream who doesn’t know anything about it. All he knows is that you wanted some vanilla ice cream because you said you liked it.

“What are you talking about?” Charles asks, confused. “It’s not being sold in Monaco yet.”

It’s Max’s turn to look confused. “What?” He takes off his sunglasses. And you’re not at all ready to see his deep blue eyes, so you avoid looking up at him. “You sent me a box of… Vanillove is it called? I didn’t know you knew I only liked vanilla.”

You want to die. You want for the earth to swallow you right now.

“Max,” Charles says at the same time you look at him, eyes pleading not to say anything. “What?” He asks you, eyebrows raised in question.

And then you have two more pairs of eyes on you.

You decide, right at that moment, that you’re not going to talk to Charles ever again. Why does everyone talk about that silent connection between siblings where they know what is going on with just a look? Because you, certainly, don’t have it with Charles.

Lando snorts, hands immediately covering his mouth. He looks at you, amusement on his face.

Oh, that is just great. Lando knows.

And your brother still has no clue, “What happens?” He asks again, this time grabbing your arm softly to make you look at him, but your sandals are more interesting.

“The match is about to start.”

Thank God for Lorenzo. You could kiss him just because he came at the right moment to save you from embarrassing yourself even more without even knowing.

Everybody talks and moves at the same time, making their ways over the seats.

“Hey,” Max touches your shoulder, making you turn around. “Are you okay?” Max touches your forehead with the back of his hand and you pray to all the gods above that he doesn’t notice you shivering because of it.

“Oh, yeah, it’s just the sun. It is a little hot.” You smile, dismissing the topic with a wave of your hand.

“I’ll get you some water,” He drops his hand and you immediately miss his warmth. “save me a seat?”

You feel your heart hammering in your ears as you nod, walking away with his question and the little smile that came with it replaying in your head.

You find your seats behind Arthur and his girlfriend, in the rows next to yours separated by the stairs is Charles and Lando, yapping like their lives depend on it, next to them is Lorenzo and Charlotte.

You’re thinking about what to say to Charles because he is, eventually, going to ask you about what is going on and you know he will not rest until you give him an answer. You are a shitty liar, so you need to practice.

Max calls your name, drawing your attention back to the present.

“You have your head in the clouds today.” He hands you a water bottle and you take a long sip, trying to gain some control over yourself.

“I’m sorry.”

“Will you tell me what is going on?” Max looks intently at you, a small smile still on his lips.

You sigh. Well, he needs to know, right? You owe him that.

But then, Max is leaning closer and pushing a strand of hair out of your face, resting his hand in the back of your neck and stroking ever so softly.

“You smell,” He says, closing his eyes for a second and inhaling. “sweet like vanilla.”

His words send a thrill down your spine, words stuck in your throat. Max expression softens, mixed with something you can’t describe.

He rubs his thumb gently over the sensitive skin of your neck.

“You sent the ice cream, didn’t you?”

You take a sharp intake of breath.

The closeness and the warmth emanating from his body along with his touch are making your brain go fuzzy at the edges.

“Y/N?” He smiles at you when you make eye contact, his blue eyes deep as the ocean. “It was you?”

You nod, blood rushing to your cheeks. “Yes.” You breathe, embarrassed and shy and feeling like an idiot.

“I knew it.” He says, chucking. You tilt your head to the side in a silent question. “I told you about my favorite ice cream flavor just a few weeks ago. And suddenly I have a box full of vanilla ice cream from LEC?” Max pulls his hand away, but is still close to you. “I mean, Charles and I are friends but we’re not that close.”

“Oh, God.” You hide your face behind your hands. “I was going to tell you. Eventually.”

“Why didn’t you?”

You look at him from between your fingers. “I don’t know.”

Max sighs, lopsided grin plastered on his face. “Now you have to come to my apartment and help me with them. It’s a lot for one person.” He shrugs, trying to look nonchalant but you see the blush quickly spreading over his cheeks.

“I would love to.”

Max flops his head on your shoulder and gazes up at you with those big blue eyes of his. “It is a date.”

Max definitely doesn’t need to know that you hate vanilla ice cream.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I officially reported a coworker for indirectly interacting with me?

♊️ to recognize.

My coworker Frieda and I used to be friends but we didn't mesh together and we had the ugliest friend break up ever. What happened between us irrelevant to this AITA but both of us were assholes to each other but the people following our situation closely are telling me she's much worse, and I think so too. Some people even told me I'm NTA but could've handled it better.

We agreed to stop talking to each other and she was the one who's most vocal about not wanting to interact with me, but, she continued to harass me every once in a while, literally taking away the tools from me by force while I'm still using them (we are supposed to use them in turns), getting in my personal space for no reason to the point of 'accidentally' brushing her arm against mine, and literally trying to make me late to go home.

That last bit was was my last straw and I unofficially reported her to the manager, she got a stern warning to stay away from me but she wasn't punished. The manager told me stay away from her as well and (unofficially) report her again if she attempts anything.

Now, my Ex friend doesn't do anything terrible to me, except she keeps keeps commenting to other coworkers on the things I say. She doesn't say bad things, but she has no right to include herself in my conversations.

Example:

A coworker I'm friendly with mentioned her upcoming birthday, I was busy with work so I didn't say anything, but everyone else wished her a happy birthday.

She turned to me, since I was the only one who hadn't wished her a happy birthday yet and was like "hey OP, my birthday is next Thursday!"

I said "oh alright I'm bringing a gift for you."

She said anything, then Frieda freaking turns to her and says "yep, gifts are the most important!"

Dude. Like she didn't even bring it up because she was considering asking the coworker about what kind of gift she wants or anything, she just said it because I did.

Like, if it was just a one time thing I wouldn't care, but she's doing this often, like it feels she's purposely trying to talk to me in a roundabout way. It happening almost in daily basis.

Another example if you don't believe me, everyone was talking about coffee. Like a whole conversation about it. When one coworker commented he doesn't like coffee, I asked him if he likes tea and he said yes, then she chimes in and asks him how he likes his tea? Girl ya'll are talking about coffee leave me alone. Stop including yourself in my conversations.

One of the reasons I'm upset about this is that Frieda is a social butterfly while I'm socially awkward. I'm having a hard time interacting with coworkers as is, it feels as if she's constantly stealing the attention away from me and silencing me. I know she won't like it if I do the same thing to her and won't try, and I always butt out whenever she's talking to other coworkers. It's hard talking to the coworker that's sitting next to me if she's literally coming from across the room to talk to them, which is not wrong in itself nor do I think she's purposely doing it with the intention to steal them away from me, but it makes me struggling to talk to everyone else. But her literally butting in my conversation is the thing I'm actually upset about and what I plan to report her for.

Now, I know my manager told me to tell her if Frieda bothers me again, however, I don't want to do that. I know my manager is trying to be fair but she friendly with Frieda and won't actually punish her because it's unofficial and she'll just talk to her about it, it won't be satisfying to me which is why I'm thinking of directly going to HR and reporting.

By the way, HR doesn't have the power to fire her easily so it's not like I'm putting her in actual immediate risk, but an official complaint about her will be stuck in her profile and as per the law, once she get 3 official warnings she can be fired. I'm not exactly sure, but I think another coworker has reported her already for making a joke in poor taste so this will most likely be the second warning. She often gets in fights with people so I do think it's only a matter of time of it happening. I never get in fights myself but man does she really push people's buttons. In the span of 1 year at work she has already fought with 7 coworkers already (the one I know about anyway, could be more since I have no idea what she up to these days)

I feel I might be TA because I might be overreacting, as she's just talking to other people but I still want to report her. I'm making documentation already but debating whether I should do it or not. WIBTA if I report her?

What are these acronyms?

[twit-ter-pa-ted]

Hi!! Could you please write a Reader X sanji fic, where reader is struggling with her mental health, and sanji walks in on her crying?

Only if you;re comfortable!!

Homesick

pairing: Vinsmoke Sanji x afab!Reader

warnings: generalized; can be platonic/romantic, sanji comfort:( <3, a bit of taz's physical touch love language possessing sanji

a/n: posting this with mall wifi how do i get in these situations idek

+ congratulations! you're the first to request hehe thank you!

You hadn't been feeling well, lately.

You absently skipped meals, lounged in your and Nami's shared room for most of the time, and spent most of the day sleeping whenever you weren't on adventures.

You were homesick, and it was messing you up badly.

You didn't think anyone noticed, with how everyone would go about their days. It was fair, since you had been trying your best to mask it. You didn't want to weigh everyone down because one of their crew was feeling down.

You must have been masking it well because Nami hadn't questioned your behavior, and she was the most empathetic one in the crew.

It became Sanji's routine to bring your meals to your room instead of urging you to join the crew. Their persistency had stopped working on you at some point and you just couldn't bring yourself to leave the room for a meal.

This day was no different. Sanji called your name through the closed door and you scrambled to hide the photograph in your hand.

"Dinner's ready, darling."

You cleared your throat, "Coming." You stood and opened the door for him.

He greeted you with a smile, with which you forced one back. His gaze lingered on you for a moment before he looked at the dish in his hand.

He had begun explaining what tonight's meal consisted of, but you'd stopped listening before he even started talking.

He called your name again and you snapped out of your daze.

"Sorry," you chuckled anxiously, eyes darting away from his so he wouldn't see right through your disguise, "I'm a little tired. Thank you for the dinner, Sanji."

You took the plate from his hand and moved to close the door when he stopped it with his foot.

"Are you okay, love?" He had been first to ask. Your heart dropped actually hearing the question, tears stinging at your eyes and a lump growing in your throat.

"You've been acting odd lately."

You fought to keep the tears in, at least until you had successfully closed the door to keep Sanji out.

You didn't want to tell them. You didn't want to seem like the weak crew member. You certainly didn't want to worry anyone when there were bigger things to worry about.

"I'm fine, Sanji," you spewed out the lie in such a way that, unbeknownst to you, only rose Sanji's suspicions.

You had been in this crew together for months – by cooking for the crew, Sanji had memorized everyone's behavior. It seemed that your bunch was the happiest when it was time for meals, and for fights.

You were a free spirit and a social butterfly. Even while eating, you would make conversation with the crew. Now, you barely even joined them for meals. Everyone seemed to assume it was because of what you had gone through with the crew, in contrast with your silent and calm town, and how you may take some time to get used to the sudden change.

Sanji could tell you weren't fine, but he didn't have any reason to press on towards what you may or may not be going through. He knew doing so could only aggravate you.

"Alright, then. Enjoy your meal, love. You're free to join us any time," was something he always offered. Still, you would end up eating alone in your own room.

He began departing from your room, and you were free to close the door.

But you didn't, not until his figure was out of sight.

* * * * * *

The day was like any other. You remained in your room again, reading books if you weren't looking at the photographs of your family that you had taken along.

Tears were streaming down your face before you knew it.

You covered your face as you cried, sitting at the foot of your bed. Your back faced the door so you would have enough time to get yourself together if someone were to knock.

But you didn't seem to hear him.

You heard a plate being put down and you instinctively turned with a gasp, then turned back around to wipe your tears. He was kneeling in front of you in the blink of an eye.

"No, no. Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He held your wrists in a vise grip.

You shook your head profusely. "No, it's nothing. You don't need to worry about me."

"Hey." He grabbed your face to get you to look at him, even through your blurry vision. "I care about you. I'll always worry about you."

He held your hand and wiped at your dampened cheeks, settling next to you on the bed.

"What's wrong, lovely?"

You leaned into him and he opened his arms to wrap you in an embrace.

"I've just been miserable," you spoke against his dress shirt. You waited for him to talk, to react somehow, but it seems he was giving you the time to let it all out.

"It's not the crew, it's not you, it's just – " your face scrunched up and you burrowed as tears began welling up again.

"It's okay." He began rubbing your back.

"He-hey, I could go get Nami if you – " He began to stand up when you took him by the wrist.

"No, just…" you trailed off, shaking your head as you couldn't find words to spew.

He looked at you and sat back down, holding your hand that took a hold of his wrist. "Okay. Okay, just take your time."

"I don't know why I've been feeling so…gloomy." You shrugged. "Maybe it's because I'm a bit homesick."

"Do you want to go back?" He asked. "To your town?"

You took some time to answer.

"I do, but I don't." You furrowed your brows and shook your head again. "It's…complicated."

He remained silent. You still had yet to look at him again, so you couldn't tell what he was feeling at the moment.

"I want to go back home and stay, but I also want to stay with you guys," you elaborated, "Everything just seems so much more fun and thrilling when I'm with you guys."

You finally looked at him again. He held a sympathetic look while his hand remained on your back.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked once it was clear that you wouldn't speak again.

"I'll be damned before I let the geezer hear it, but there are some days I miss my old man," he confessed. "There are times when I think of what could've been if I stayed, despite how godforsaken that place is."

He shifted as he looked away towards the window of the room. "Then I remember – life would just be bland, wouldn't it?"

"I joined because I wanted something more with my life. So, maybe it would help you decide if you think about why you joined the crew and chose to leave in the first place," he concluded and looked at you again. The tears had stopped at this point, though you continued to sniffle.

"That…helps," you spoke as if surprised that it did. "Thank you, Sanji."

He flashed you a smile, which caused you to reciprocate it, genuinely. "It's no problem."

You remembered why he came in your room in the first place and turned to the plate put down atop your dresser. "Is that lunch?"

He hummed as he stood to get it. "Your favorite. I had a feeling you'd need it."

He gave you the plate, to which you silently thanked him for. "Whenever you're feeling sad for leaving home, leaving your parents, just think of how much your parents went through to get you where you are right now."

You couldn't help but chuckle. "You mean on a pirate ship with a wanted rubber captain?"

He laughed as well, placing a gentle hand on the side of your head to plant a kiss on your temple. "Yeah, exactly."

A comfortable silence fell upon the two of you as you looked down at the plate you settled down on your lap.

"You can talk to me, you know. To the crew," he spoke again, "You don't have to keep it all in."

"I just don't want anyone to worry about me."

"Darling, a crew stays together by worrying for each other – caring for each other." Sanji shrugged then chuckled. "Hell, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm all ears even through a fight."

You, too, laughed. Just imagining how that could go was entertaining to think about. "Thank you for listening."

He placed his hand on your shoulder, his arm around you. "Anytime."

[staarri]

HIIII, how are you? I hope everything goes well <33 I would like to order gaming x reader, maybe as an accidental kissing session? If it's not too much trouble, thank you very much for reading <33

𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐬   

  —   characters :   ga ming

  —   character(s) are friends with reader, gn!reader, not really an accidental kiss… it had a purpose, mutual pining, this is a work of fiction

      fluff     ,    accidental kiss     ,    modern!au     .      word count : 1.1k

hi there lovely! i changed this up a bit since i couldnt figure out what to write. i hope you dont mind! very extra special tag for @aventurne !!

The movie ends in such a bittersweet way. The protagonist lives her life as a teacher and her sister marries the boy she once loved the most. She looked back at her life in such a happy way now that she also had someone for her.  You sniffle, bringing a tissue to your eyes. Your friend looks at you, eyes filled with worry.

“Are you okay?” He asks, hesitantly bringing his hand to your cheek and wiping away any kind of remaining trail the tear left. You two had planned a little movie date. If you could even call it that–You did it as friends anyway. Yet you never expected the movie you chose to be this… This devastating.

“Mhm–” You sniffle again, cheeks puffing up. You start fanning your face to try and stop crying, but the more you think about it the sadder you get. “That was just. Wow, like I didn’t expect it at all.”

He giggles, laying back comfortably on his seat. He nods, yeah. 

“Think that’ll happen to me too?” You’ve always believed love would never work out the way you wanted it to. For you, of course. I mean, your friends are all in happy relationships–marriages for some and you’re stuck at this golden age, single. 

“With the amount of unrequited love stories you’ve watched? At this point, I’m starting to believe it will.” Ga ming teases you. 

“That hurt a little, `ming.” Crossing your arms pretending to be upset.

“Oh–Oh I'm sorry,” He says sarcastically, laughing. “Let’s not forget what happened with La La Land.”

“Whatever! I doubt you’ll be getting a partner in the near future anyway; So we're in the same boat.”

He grins, “Really now?”

You nod frantically. Going on a short rant about how his personality is so explosive it causes the other people’s social battery to die out immediately, or how he’s so active all the time you never get a break from all the activities you guys do. Or how his smile is so captivating, maybe how his face is so bewitching.

“Don’t know. All I'm hearing is you like me so much it's killing you.”

“I do not!” 

“Sure.” 

Yeah. Maybe you do like him. A lot, maybe a bit more. He’s cast a spell on your heart and you can’t undo it–It’s a curse and a blessing all at the same time. What if you like your best friend? It’s not like he felt the same way anyway. Well he might, with the mixed signals he’s been giving you. But he’s nice to everyone–He’s like that to everyone. And it has always been like that from the very start.

He looks at you in a way that squeezes and twists at your chest; He smiles at you in a way that causes all the butterflies to fly from its cage in your stomach and you feel so lightheaded when you two laugh together. You’re lost in the way he’s so caring, and it makes you feel sick and selfish wanting him for all yourself.

But that's just how you feel. For all you know–He might just be leading you on, and you’ll find out once you admit your feelings to him right now at this moment.

It's so difficult not to blurt it out. The love from your heart is escaping and taking this tension between you as its new home. You just look at him as he takes in the surroundings of your venue, with the warm fairy lights emitting a glow that makes him look more ethereal by the moment, and with the couch that has his hair all fluffed up. But it’s just now that you notice how bright his eyes look, how the shine compliments the red hues so perfectly. Just now that you see the little fangs on his teeth and how his face scrunches up so right whenever he smiles widely. You wonder how he’ll look when you two grow old, how much will change within those years.

You can’t be his, it’ll ruin you in more ways than one.

“You’re awfully quiet, was the movie that bad?” His concern is enough to melt the walls you’ve worked too hard to build around your heart. He will ruin your inner peace, is it weird that you would let him?

You don’t dare answer.

“Hey, look at me.” 

He brings his hands to your cheeks, making you face him. You feel stupid in love, it's like you just can’t get enough air to your lungs because even that is filled with the scent of him.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” 

His eyes wander from your lips to your own eyes, looking for any kind of sign that you don't feel good. You place your hand on top of his and gently press your cheek against him more. You warned yourself, this is a bad idea. But you never listen, not once. 

Now he’s kissing you in a way that’s going to screw you up forever.

It’s soft, the way he handles you so gently. As if you’re some kind of porcelain that’s a little too fragile. You’re regretting everything that brought you to this moment but you’re not complaining one bit.

And it was short-lived. It wasn’t even a kiss, it was a peck on the lips. He was scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way, because somehow maybe you didn’t fall in love with your best friend who you’ve had multiple dimsums with. The friend that held you in your darkest moments and the friend who wished for all your partners to somehow quit playing with your feelings so he could be the one to be there for you instead.

Oh god, you were inlove. And so was he–and maybe even more than you.

“I didn’t mean to do that.” He stammered. Cheeks red and yours the same. You two were affected under the same spell you put on each other. “I swear–You just looked too pretty. I couldn't help it.”

It feels like you’ve just discovered love. Like you were the only one to know how it feels to be in love with someone. The tension is gone and all you’re feeling is pure adoration from him, from the way he stares at you with an expression you’ve never seen before.

Someday, this will end. But for now? You’ll be treasuring the moment in a way you’re sure no one else has.

characters belong to their respective companies. everything is written by staarri - do not steal, reupload, translate, modify or feed my work to ai.

[reesiereads]

James and the Dupes (Goosebumps 2023 Analysis 3/5)

If you haven’t read the previous two parts of this analysis I highly recommend you do, however the jist is that I am attempting to show how each Biddle item is purposely symbolic of the kid it’s tied to.

I’ve already discussed Isaiah and Isabella so let’s talk about James.

(Spoilers below the cut, I seriously recommend watching the show first before reading, it’s definitely worth it)

James is the point of view for Goosebumps’ third episode The Cuckoo Clock of Doom, however James’ object is not the clock for which the episode is named. When listing the objects in Go Eat Worms Margot specifically says James’ object is the “dupes” aka the duplications of James that the clock created. I’ll be discussing the significance of this in a moment but keep this in mind.

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom starts once again the night of the Halloween party at the Biddle house and with James hitting his head for the first time on the cuckoo clock. James is disoriented and it’s implied he hit his head fairly hard but he decides to go through with the party anyway and it’s through his actions at the party this first go around that we see the most vital aspects of James’ character.

James goes throughout the party talking to just about everybody. He knows all their names, he’s personable and friendly, he’s a complete social butterfly. It’s very obvious though that he isn’t actually saying anything of substance; it’s all small talk. He knows everybody and everybody knows him but none of them are his actual friends. James’ demeanor through this scene is also very (for a lack of a better word) safe, it’s the sort of polite but casual tone you take when trying to make friendly small talk and it’s the sort of tone that while very forced very few people could take issue with.

When James stops to talk to Isaiah this very palatable tone fades but not completely, there’s still a very obvious amount of effort and energy being pushed into what James is saying. His words are casual but his body language and tone are practiced.

Essentially, James is a performer. His given description prior to the shows release labeled him as a “class clown” and this trope is a perfect encompassment of everything James embodies. He’s funny, he’s charming, just about everyone likes him but nobody actually knows him. He’s got a sort of casual confidence about him that is a complete act, but he’s so at arms-length with everyone around him that most don’t recognize his facade.

There are two relationships that perfectly show James’s true character: Sam and Isaiah.

Sam is the boy James likes but we aren’t given much of an indication why James like him other then that Sam is hot: this is deliberate.

See, Sam is the perfect vehicle to showing how James conducts most of his relationships. He approaches a person, he makes some small talk, he finds a topic the person likes and (whether he has any knowledge or interest in the subject) tries make himself palatable by discussing it. As a people-pleaser myself I can say with full confidence that this behavior is done with two goals in mind: to make the other person like him and to keep the conversation on the other person so he doesn’t have to talk about himself. This is the main reason Isaiah tells him he needs to stop trying so hard to be liked, because this people-pleasing behavior hinders James’ ability to form actual deep connections.

The reason James doesn’t take this advice is because that’s exactly what he wants. What the time loops reveal is that even when given the opportunity James will not be himself. He’s presented with the perfectly opportunity to try and be himself with Sam, being completely able to just reset the night once again if it goes wrong, and instead James abuses the time loop so that his lie about sharing interests with Sam will be more convincing.

This is further emphasized by the clones words to Sam. While yes, the clones are being purposely cruel to try and ruin James’ life, a majority of their words are rooted in some kind of truth. They are James and they are using the exact information and feelings James has to manipulate the people around them. When ruining James’ relationship with Sam the clone specifically states that Sam is “too clingy” and I believe this is the exact reason James was interested in Sam in the first place.

James went after Sam, a person he seemingly shared no interests with and only found attractive, because James assumed he could have a very (for a lack of a better word) shallow relationship with him. James was never looking for anything serious and his comment about “I don’t know anything about soccer but I don’t care because Sam is hot” emphasizes that. Why would James want a deep emotional connection with someone when he doesn’t even have a relationship like that with his best friend?

Isaiah is James’ best friend however his actual relationship with Isaiah seems to go roughly the same as his relationship with just about everyone else. Sure, they hang out a lot but most of their interactions seem to be James hearing Isaiah out about his issues and them talking about their crushes. Isaiah does question about James about how he’s doing but James either deflects or avoids the seriousness of the situation.

In The Cuckoo Clock of Doom Isaiah and James have a discussion after James’ botched attempt at talking with Sam. In this discussion Isaiah immediately knows James was not being himself when talking to Sam and encourages him just be himself rather then trying so hard to be liked. This, on it’s own, seems like reasonable advice however what’s interesting is James’ response: “that’s easy for you to say.”

Isaiah questions what he means by this and James, clearly uncomfortable, says nevermind and essentially forces the conversation to be dropped. Despite Isaiah being his best friend it’s very clear James is not comfortable being honest about his emotions with him.

The questions comes up again once James is found however and this time James is upset enough by the discovery that Isaiah, his best friend, doesn’t know him well enough to know if he’s a clone or not, that he elaborates. He states: “It is really hard to be 1 of 6 gay people in a town.”

The crux of James’ behavior, the reason he people-pleases and dances around serious topics is because he feels othered. He feels different from the people around him and he’s scared of the judgement that could come from that. A lot of his behavior reads as a sort of compensation, as if he’s trying to be as palatable as possible so people will like him despite the fact that he’s queer.

I imagine James also feels isolated the same way Isabella does, at least in an emotional sense. He keeps everyone at school at an arms-length and his relationship with his Mother is implied to be rather distant. She treats him more like a best friend then anything and paired with her alcoholism there is a very clear emotional wall between the two of them. There is no one James feels safe to confide in and I imagine it’s only worsened his feelings of otherness.

Now, finally, let’s discuss the Dupes:

The Biddle Clock and Dupes (roughly) work like this: When making contact with the clock a person is trapped into a time loop from the time of hitting the clock. The loop is restarted if the person attempts to leave the Biddle property. Every loop creates a duplicate of the person from an alternate timeline which Biddle is able to communicate with and who act as Biddle’s minions. The duplicates have all the information the original person had during the loop and, as their forms are goo of some kind, can likely change their appearance at will.

The duplicates take James’ place for roughly a week and during this time they set out to ruin James’ life as throughly as possible by destroying all his relationships. Sam is broken up with on ground of being “too clingy,” Isaiah’s relationship with Allison is worsened and his feelings for Margot are revealed which are things James likely knew a lot about as Isaiah’s friend not to mention the clone picking on Isaiah’s insecurities, and based on the comments about James’ mother James feels some resentment for his Mom’s behavior which the clone is more open about then James would be.

No one recognizes that the clones have taken James’ place despite them not acting very in-character. The people the clones strive to ruin James’ relationships with also all react very volatile to the clones’ behavior, showing how despite James’ efforts to be very likable his efforts haven’t fostered very strong relationships.

The message of the episode is fairly clear: If you keep everyone around you at arms-length and try too hard to be likable then you are inevitably going to be isolated as none of your relationships will have any kind of stable foundation.

[mountmortar]

i started thinking about lyra in my sharedverse again so i'm going to drop some ideas about her just because <3

okay so when she becomes champion i think her first order of business is making friends with everybody in the elite four. and lance. this means that at every possible opportunity she's popping up behind bruno or will or karen or koga like a demon in the night to be like HELLOOOOO <3 CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER? and on more than one occasion it's led to screams being heard across the entirety of the indigo plateau because. Holy Shit

i also think she eventually starts wearing a cape like lance along with whatever her new champion outfit is because she loves a good swoosh of a cape. lance is in tears about it

she's a social butterfly and i know this in my heart and it serves her well jumping between being the new champion and also being a pokéathlon star. she keeps promoting her grandparents' daycare every time she's on the radio or TV until they have to call her like Hey Sweetie. We Love You. Please Stop With The Promotions We Are So Overfull

and on a similar note once kris becomes the leader of the battle tower she's constantly trying to get her to do collabs of every variety with her and kris is like yeah i'm not coming down from this tower. sorry. i live here now. they are polar opposites when it comes to being in the public eye to the point where the press aren't even allowed past the ground floor of the tower. if they want to see her they'll have to battle their way up same as everyone else. lyra thinks this is a bad business practice (but finds it funny all the same) so she's also constantly promoting the battle tower as well

lyra does take breaks though!!!! sometimes she goes to bother silver in the dragon's den and when gold disappeared for a. while. trying to get red to come down from mt. silver she ditched the entire plateau to go tackle him for disappearing in the first place once he finally calls her to say that he's alive

and of course when she caught sight of the awkward guy in red behind him and realized he was a strong trainer she instantly wanted to battle him. and when she realized he was the previous champion who defeated team rocket a couple years ago and then vanished she REALLY wanted to battle him because the champion seat was hers now (thank you very much) and she wasn't about to let him steal it out from under her

(she won. obviously. and then used red as bait to try and lure kris down from the battle tower to compete in the pokéathlon with her. it almost works until kris is like "Actually if he's so strong he can fight his way up to the top like everyone else too. No special privileges <3" and lyra's like FUCK I ALMOST HAD HER)

(red does in fact manage to get all the way to the top until he loses to kris as well because he's doomed to forever lose to the johto protagonists no matter the universe)

since getting blue's phone number is a hgss exclusive thing and you have to visit daisy multiple times to do it i like to think that she and daisy hit it off wonderfully. and lyra is the one who blue eventually calls to do his "wah wah i miss red you look just like him" spiel. which means that once she connects the dots and realizes red is The Guy Blue Was Sad About she grabs red by the arm and marches him to viridian city and bursts into the gym like HEY BLUE IS THIS THE GUY YOU WERE CALLING ABOUT

(gold is following behind the entire time. extremely amused about all of this but you would never be able to tell because of his resting bitch face)

and of course sticking with hgss-exclusive things: lyra is the one who experiences the celebi event (though i like to think she does it by herself instead of with gold because i think it's something more for her to experience. y'know)

because lyra wasn't the "main protagonist" (AKA the one silver was rivals with) in this universe (the "main protagonist" of the sharedverse is kris. they're all protagonists in their own right though) i don't think she'd know silver all too well outside of being That One Guy Kris Is Friends With (for some fucking reason) Who Hangs Out In The Dragon's Den And Also Stole A Pokémon (Or Two??? Kris Was Unclear) but after experiencing the celebi event i think she swings by the dragon's den a LOT more often and actually tries to make genuine friends with silver. no matter how prickly he is at first

eventually they have their hgss double battle against lance and clair together (though i'd imagine the dialogue being a bit different than it was in the actual game because the sharedverse is based off of gsc and not hgss and everyone knows how i feel about how hgss butchered every single character. but i digress) and that's when they really start to hit it off!! eventually silver starts challenging the indigo plateau a lot more because that's their version of hanging out. until she manages to drag him to her grandparents' daycare and make him play with the baby pokémon

(word of this gets back to kris and she finally leaves the battle tower just to come over and laugh at him for being swarmed by baby pokémon until silver finally tackles her and they start [play]fighting about it. and then lyra gets her azumarill to hit them both with a hydro pump and that stops them real quick)

lyra and gold compete in the pokéathlon together sometimes!!! and during lyra's first trip to mt. silver he comes with her and points out all the best spots. including where he first met red at the summit. they have a battle up there that ends in a tie and laugh about it for hours afterwards. and lyra admits that sometimes just hanging out on a mountain with a friend is just as fun as running around the indigo plateau

she eventually does catch celebi as well. she knows she has to be responsible and all especially now that she's champion but she does allow herself one (1) time travel prank. and it's glorious

and as for the hgss arceus event. Well. That's for her to know <3

[generalluxun]

So, I now we've discussed the Marinette Butterfly user Villain AU a bit and I wanted to share some musings I thought you'd find interesting.

I mentioned in talking I sort of had two distinct themes/ideas in mind that don't really fit together but that both are interesting to me.

So the basic set up is the same in both versions, something bad happens to Marinette's family over the school break. So she's got enough isolation from that when she's gifted a pendant as a comfort present, no one is present enough to notice her shenanigans.

She & her family are good people and they didn't deserve this (True) he resolves to access the power "Greater than Death" to right this wrong, & starts by sending out butterflies to locate the Miraculous.

With the broad empathy of the pendant & the more direct line via the butterflies, her perception of people becomes deeply bitter. People are becoming as miserable and angry as she is over the most minor of things! Leading to an increasing alienation from other people that makes her fall to villainy after a disastrous (Through butterfly) conversation with a transformed Fu.

This leads to "Dark Wings Rise."

Anyway the two variants I envisioned are as follows:

1: A deconstructive theme on the nature of "Good social skills VS bad social skills.

By which I mean, Marinette canonically is quite deft socially when not flabbergasted by her crush or super stressed. She offers genuine aid to those around her and gifts gives freely. This leads her to being very well liked.

In contrast, Chloe has terrible social skills in most casual scenarios she's exposed too and is actively disliked. & Lila, while well liked is only that way through using "Bad" skills, such as lying, rather than genuine one's.

The contrast would be in them, despite falling into the traditionally 'bad' category being her opposition. While Marinette uses her influence in the class to target them cos good skills can still be used for bad things.

In this context I imagine her Catalyst would be Sabrina. Whom she whisked away from Chloe and whose drive to be useful to others made her very easy to convert into an Akuma that existed to empower Marinette.

Lila's response to the class would basically be, "Is this a cult? Am I being educated in a cult class?" While Chloe's is more just "Everyone hated me anyway, & I don't trust anyone any-how bring it!"

The biggest hurdles would be Marinette's social skills not taking a dive with her head space. That she'd need to be transformed to use Nooroo's empathy power. & the fact she's not naturally that kind of schemer anyway.

2: A Good Victim Becomes a Bad Victim, VS a Bad Victim

Messily put, but fairly straightforward. A big issue many have with the show, and that can be analyzed inside it, even in the earlier seasons. Is how "Bad victims" who act out of hurt, ignorance or malice brought out in them don't usually get the same kind of empathy as the "Good victims". IE, the people whose trauma doesn't manifest in ways that are inconvenient or unpleasant or messy.

Let alone the perception of needing to earn people's assistance by improving before you get support, even when one is a child with no support networks, minimal guidance and struggle even identifying the problem. Yeah sure that may make it easier for people to help them but that's like asking someone with PTSD to stop having panic attacks before they get therapist for their panic attacks.

In this case, Marinette's not a character who canonically can easily grasp the "Bad victim" experience, or more subtle coercions. As a result, even when in a position like Ladybug she sometimes fumbles some major points or misses red flags Chloe & Gabriel/Audrey respectively.

So thematically she's unaware of it but her decline into villainy also involves her becoming a "Bad victim". One who chases away people trying to comfort her, if perhaps less overtly than Chloe, as her pity well taps out because "being embarrassed over a crush isn't as bad as what I went through but you feel as bad, how dare you!"

Meanwhile Chloe, largely due to circumstances is put in a somewhat better situation, be it a team, or via access to the Kwami or even just the admittedly clumsy efforts of Fu to stop her from getting killed by Akuma every few days.

The point is she's getting the help first and improving her standing in class and her mental health because of it. A fact which boggles Marinette who can't see how, or why, this is happening and perceives it as another injustice.

Her Catalyst would be Lila who sees the skilled seamstress has become socially isolated by her own hand. Her casual use of Akuma & efforts to see if Marinette can be a useful 'friend' lead her to becoming an accomplice. One who likely realizes too late just how out of hand this all is.

I think he big struggle with this idea would be how things got 'that bad' and 'that isolating' for Marinette. At least without making either her social network look shitty, or her own inclinations being naturally towards villainy regardless.

Conclusion:

I think over all the second version feels more coherent. Good social skills can be used for bad is more like an episode theme than a series theme. Plus as said it requires more explanations for how things go the way they do than the other.

Especially if Lila's less "Machiavellian villain" and more, "Oh she makes good outfits & has no friends, I can fix that & get free clothes! Oh she has magic powers, I want magic powers, I-... I think I am in over my head here... Double down double down!"

Notes:

Though it could also easily be linked with some other ideas I had recently. Like that more expanded villain cast from the regular AU.

IE, Sorcerers seeking the Miraculous, temple monk survivor after Fu, the Tsurugi's being anti villains/antagonists but not villains. Lila actually being Volpina, ETC.

Let alone the recent "Butterfly can do everything Peacock does with creative thinking" idea. Tough in that case explaining where Adrien came from may be hard without more of an overt AU...

Unless, the story starts into the school year, and Adrien, having befriended Marinette early on gives her his mothers pendant perhaps? Could still have Gabriel causing his own kind of trouble too... Hmm...

I muse, even as I know I likely lack the time to write this ><

Anyway I hope it was interesting!

I like the analysis. Second scenario definitely feels more viable. Drop senti-Adrien and the blending of the Butterfly/peacock doesn't matter. I would *not* bring sorcery/other stuff in. You already have a *lot* going on. You are past the point of adding complexity.

[writebackatya]

Random question, but what are your favorite things about fendra? And what do you see are the biggest strengths of their relationship, and how do you try to incorporate that into your writing?

To me, both Fenton and Gandra represent that point in life when one is still getting used to being an adult and just trying to make your own mark on the world. Both of which have their own career paths that they have formed and set their eyes on and have their own way pursuing that path. The two have some similarities and differences with each other that I think benefit and build one another up

There are some differences between the two: Fenton is an open and social butterfly while Gandra is someone who is the exact opposite. Fenton is bubbly and optimistic while Gandra is a bit snarkier and pessimistic. Fenton is someone who has a lot of people in his life who will support him while Gandra has Fenton (at first). We don't know much about Gandra's personal life, but I think it's safe to assume that she probably cut her own family off; so when we first meet her Gandra was out on her own while Fenton is living with his mom

Guess I'm just a big fan of opposites attract. Whenever I try to capture that dynamic in my writing, I like to show that neither is bothered by the way the other is. In fact, their personalities have an effect on one another. Fenton's personality helps Gandra open up more while Gandra's personality helps Fenton build more confidence within himself

There are plenty of similarities. The two both have dual identities (scientist as well as superhero/spy), they're both minorities (that I definitely hc as mixed race, but the point is neither are white), and I personally think both are vastly underappreciated in their own fields

I always felt before Fenton met Gandra, he could be treated better by those who were close to him. In fact he was kinda flat-out ignored by people like Gyro and even his own m'ma that I don't blame him for acting out and jumping at the opportunities that came to him. Not to say that both Gyro and Mrs. Cabrera are bad people, it's just they didn't see Fenton the way he needed to be seen because they didn't quite get him and that's normal. It happens, sometimes the people close to you don't quite understand certain aspects of your life that others can. Like sure, he was still an unpaid intern when he started but he was really passionate about his job and ready to show what he had to Gyro and everyone else, but mostly he was ignored. His own m'ma just showed nothing but disinterest cause he was not getting paid as if that's all that mattered to her. I'm sure it didn't but I wouldn't be surprised if Fenton felt that way

And Gandra, she's someone who I think is one of the loneliest characters we've met in DuckTales. She was by herself. The only people that would kind of listen to her are people who would use her skills for their own advantage. I always assumed she was the type of person that would take any job that she can get and then move on with her life when she's done without making any friends

And to me, that's another reason why their relationship makes a lot of sense. There's this understanding between one another about wanting to be heard and seen for their own skills. It's been a while since I watched The Dangerous Chemistry of Gandra Dee! but I recall during their "meet-cute" that when Fenton asked Gandra what she did, there's a brief moment where Gandra looks caught off-guard. Her cocky facade just stopped because she was shocked that someone is taking an actual interest in her life

Another thing I love about these two is that they listen to one another. I loved seeing the two "science together" and when Fenton called Gandra out for her actions that had an effect on her. The two have always had chemistry with each other and even if some people don't like Fendra, they can't deny these two do have a nice friendship

I guess one way I love to incorporate that in my stories is by showing how supportive the two are in their own endeavors. I personally don't want Gandra to become an employee for McDuck because to me that's saying "In the end, all she needed was a corporate job!" when I don't think there was anything wrong with her freelancing and independence, she just needed to be careful and more mindful of her actions. So I love showing the two be supportive of each other's career paths. Both want the best for the other. And heck I work in the medical field (I'm a pharmacy technician nothing too fancy) and I've met pharmacists who are married to other pharmacists and usually their spouses work another job somewhere else

I also LOVE showing Fenton's superhero side and Gandra's spy side, because these two are more than just scientists. In one of my stories I showed they were an effective duo (which we did see a few times in the series) and I still have Gandra be called "Agent Dee" when she's working, why? Because that's her spy name! Not her F.O.W.L. name!!

I'm sorry mini-rant, but I always thought the whole "Oh don't call me Agent Dee. Cause that was my F.O.W.L. name :(" was a bit silly. Cause come on, she's a spy. Not because of F.O.W.L. or Mark Beaks, but that's career path she's going down because she's damn good agent. I mean really, let's say Gyro worked for F.O.W.L. and then left. Do you think he'd want to be stopped being referred to as Dr. Gearloose?! Hell no! He worked hard to get that title and he ain't letting anyone take that from him. but like if that's your headcanon that's fine. My headcanons are just as accurate as yours are

Also I like to imagine Gandra occasionally jokes about how she used to work for F.O.W.L. cause she's someone with a dark sense of humor. Like one of these days she'll be surrounded by the McDuck family during one of their adventure bickerings and Fenton would be like "Whatcha thinking about?" and she'd be like "Oh just how much I miss being in the Lost Library of Alexandria"

[aita-blorbos]

this happened a while ago, but it was recently brought up again and i feel a bit bad about it.

AITA for lying to everyone about who i am?

so i (F ??? i’m the older daughter of the god of lunares and the late goddess and well- time in our home works differently, but in your terms i was already a young adult at the time)) was very worried about the humans, because their world was going to end. my and my younger sister took very different approaches to this, but we both wanted to do something to try and stop the world ending.

so we both came down to their world. i ended up arriving in a place called castelle and i transformed into a butterfly to not stand out as much among the humans and other earthlings there. i accidentally immediately got myself into trouble with two humans because i didn’t (and to an extent still don’t…) really understand the social norms on reveria.

luckily i was saved by another human, who we’ll call MC now! some stuff happened and basically MC (X and about early twenties? maybe late teens at the time? i never actually got around to asking) and i became the bestest of friends. we did everything together! we lived together and explored the other countries around castelle where i had ended up initially. we were basically inseparable. however, they still had never seen my true form and only knew me as a clueless talking butterfly… i had appeared to them and the king of castelle and some other people as my true form once at this point technically, but i didn’t reveal that that was me! i just pretended to be someone else. i felt really guilty about hiding that, but i mean- i had really dug myself into a hole there. i was planning to eventually tell them all who i was, but unfortunately that happened way earlier than i wanted it to happen.

basically, we were in this village in the elderwood (a magical forest that used to be forbidden for humans to enter) and a friend (F and i would guess mid to late teens? i’m not good at estimating human ages…) of MC and i had to be saved and my sister was also there (she also started out as a butterfly just with darker colors, but she had already revealed herself (kinda) at that point- and basically that situation forced me to reveal myself as well. luckily we were able to save our friend, but then everyone was shocked that i had lied about who i was.

the worst part is that they all found out that MC & i’s landlord(F around 40 i would guess?) had already known! and i didnt even know that she knew!!!i had appeared to her in my normal form fairly often, but i didn’t expect her to connect the dots that the talking butterfly and the girl who talks to the moon at night on her roof (i was a bit homesick…) are the same person!!!

and they did all say they understood or forgave me, and we were able to keep working together to save the world and i even ended up staying on earth (or reveria as the inhabitants call it), but every once in a while it gets brought up again that i lied to everyone all the time when i first arrived… and idk, i guess i just still feel kinda guilty? especially since i now permanently live here on reveria with MC… so, AITA?

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023 #37-35

That AWKWARD moment you plan on ranking this year’s Big Evil last, and then rewatch everyone and realize some of these NQs were so PUTRID you can’t in clear conscience rank  them ahead of anyone else. Enjoy three acts so irredeemable I have to rank them below Noa! Decade rankings: 112, 111 & 110 / 116 [Above: Brividi, Below Noa Kirel] 29 Dec Update: Now ABOVE Noa, and below Nadir

37.  36. GREECE Victor Vernicos - “What they say” 30th place

I enjoy being right. 🙂 Sorry, but 14 points in a TELEVOTE, (12 of which from Cyprus) in a semi that has the utterly unvoteable Romania and San Marino in it? Greece was and IS the worst in this year. Sitting through it was like watching a stream of meconium ooze from a baby’s anus.

Sure, one could argue that "What they say” was redeemable as like... a laughable trainwreck, and yeah, it could have been on paper. I have to draw a line somewhere, and “somewhere” is where a delegation sends a minor to the contest, SEES the footage of him utterly flunking the live and then does nothing, allowing him to humiliate himself in front of millions of people. Shitty broadcasters to the fucking bottom of the ranking!

But even besides that, the song is just a wretched Ed Sheeran pretend ballad, like someone took a cleaver to “Castle on the hill” and hacked out all the mildly enjoyable mellow parts and replaced them with a stop-motion-like cadence, cursive singing and Sad Boy Emoness. Victor sings that he hates his feelings and my feelings are that I hate everything about his song.

Like, I can’t be the only person so UTTERLY SICK of these misguided self-aggrandising songs that actively try to use real-life mental health issues to provide unsoliicited social commentary for their own personal gain? Be it in a competition or to make oneself appear ~morally righteous~. Enough with the devious white-washing of actual mental health issues. 

 At least that is what I’m forced take away from this shitty song because these lyrics don’t make any fucking sense: Victor sings that “Lost Souls” make sure no one loses their way and “Hurt ones” can’t stand seeing others in pain, and also that he’s both (?) and that he’s got too much on his plate, wanting to save the others (?????) and that it’s TOO LATE FOR HIM (??????) Someone heard this and wasn’t instantly alarmed by how dark this is? WTF?! SICC A PSYCH ON HIS ASS, ASAP!

But of course, any potential complexity is instantly undermined by the visuals. 

Youngster Victor wants to battle, and his team is one lvl 7 Caterpie.

Add in a few selfie backdrops, some happy skipping (again: this song has a messed-up and depressing message) and perhaps most offensive of all: GREEK LETTERS SPLICED INTO ENGLISH WORDS: 

And you are left with an entry that makes me feel ALEXEEV levels of shame. Like yeah it’s all mercenary and insincere and vile but doesn’t change the fact that that Greece sent a sixteen year old with a song about SUICIDAL THOUGHTS to Eurovision and made it... that. BE SAFE, YOUNG VICTOR!!! Preferably as far away from a guitar as possible.😬

-----------------------------

36. 35. SAN MARINO Piqued Jacks - “Like an animal” Joint LAST

THEY KNOW THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 

... to zero points...x

Congratulations Piqued Jacks, you are NOT last in this ranking. 🙄 Count your lucky fucking stars. 

Talk about an entry that fully earned their nil points in the televote. Piqued Jacks accompanied their accidentally predatorial song with black and red lights. Black and red lights are of course the axe murderer colours which they used to complement the date rape lyrics and serial killer faces.  🙃

Seriously, for real:  

Hide your sisters and daughters from this creep and his eerie obsession with “snake eyes” and “biting tongues” and “butterflies in his ears”. I would be less bad if “E-King” (you’re a grown man, consider a name change) wasn’t this off-puttingly smug or didn’t have a voice like newborn goat choking on its colostrum. “Like an animal” is three minutes of extreme discomfort. The absolute opposite of a “Slay”.

------------------------------

35. 34. ROMANIA Theodor Andrei - “D.G.T.” Joint LAST.

Sigh, this one just makes me feel sad.  As you know I was a Theodor apologist before and honestly, I still kinda like him as a person?

DGT was a shambles though. Theodor was always due to create some discomfort, given that he has never not looked like a Project Runway second boot called Susan and DGT’s lyrics involve *this specific person* talking graphically about being carressed by his girlfriend’s fingers and wanting to rip her clothes off. So yeah a hard sell, but not impossible!!

However, the live was a bare step above San Marino in terms of second-hand embarrassment. An weird musical bisection, an amateur hour act swallowed by the LEDs and utter SILENCE from the audience which thundered over the off-pitch wailing condemned Romania to nill pointer hell.

The acoustic start, WHY? 

The CSI floordrops, WHY? 

The selfie backdrops, WHY?

 The black paint on the naked torso, WHY? 

the shrill falsetto WHYYYYYY?!

And just like how the San Marinese cringe is present but in a lesser form, so is Greece’s shitty broadcaster behaviour. After forcing Theodor to transmogrify his opening minute into an unplugged acoustic version (a decision that completely ruined the song), TVR just called it a day, and happily sent Theodor to his doom with no real regrets. WTF?!

Basically, these three nil point flops (yeah totally counting Greece as one, deal!) are all tied for last place, but I had to pick an order. Greece are the most awful for exploiting a minor. San Marino deliberately chose someone with a very annoying voice and face, so they’re second last. Theodor meanwhile, is actually kinda talented and was mostly the victim of TVR’s lack of involvement, to which I say: If your participations in Eurovision amount to throwing an eighteen year old to the vultures because you’re too bothered to actually support him through the ordeal, Romania, then don’t bother with ESC and just fucking QUIT!!!

THE RANKING

[mejomonster]

Damn chapter 172 was heavy. As a final note: I love how even Zhang Chunliu (yet another case criminal) is a parallel to Fei Du. All of the key criminals are pretty much. In this case, everything Luo Wenzhou says about Zhang Chenlius past could as easily be said about Fei Dus. The difference, of course, being Fei Du "is a good child." He turned out with good intent.

Despite similar traumas and pains growing up, the way Zhang chenliu did. And yet that rant Luo Wenzhou gave, of how horrible Zhang chenliu is and how he probably justifies it with his past trauma and horrible people surrounding him... Fei Du for years probably wondered if Luo Wenzhou thought that way about Fei Du. If one day Luo Wenzhou would, if he didn't already. Fei Du lashed out so many times saying he Was that horrible, that despicable, wondering if Luo Wenzhou would agree and push him away. Wondering if Luo Wenzhou would keep holding space for him, staying connected to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt that Fei Du can be good intentioned. Despite everything he says, and that he's done.

And Fei Du did. He did turn out good, despite what he's done. He does want to help people. He does care. He has many of the same excuses as Zhang Chenliu: his household abused him and imprisoned him, his social circle was fairly evil horrible people (oblivious dumb Zhang Donglai was pretty much the Only nice person in Fei Dus social circle of other rich people... the Yan City rich are absolutely horrific crime and abuse wise). Outside of that, he had Luo Wenzhou and Tao Ran, because Luo Wenzhou kept stubbornly sticking himself into Fei Dus life even knowing he wasn't capable enough to ever actually protect him from all of that. Even realizing he failed to protect Fei Du from much of anything.

But just trying. It means a lot. That someone, anyone in that sea of awful, did care if Fei Du got to decide what he should do and what he thought was right for himself. (And that led to more connections, to Tao Ran as a genuine friend, to Xiao Haiyang and Lu Jia and the people he genuinely helped in his secret company, to the victims he wanted to see stop suffering any further, to - i think - genuinely caring about Zhang Donglai at least a bit). When Fei Du was little, he waa a lot like the little girl Su who hurt other little girls. He was a lot like Zhang Chenliu in terms of circumstance. It took a tiny bit of freedom carved out thanks to a little safety from Luo wenzhou and Tao Ran, and like a butterfly even with a beaten cocoon he had at least enough space to figure out who he might be. Just might.

I think a lot of this novel is not even about if you succeed. It's about just the trying of it. Luo Wenzhou never truly knows the outcome, but he tries. Even when it's hopeless. Tao Ran thinks the world is awful and that his trying, other people trying, is the only thing that gives the world some space to Be kind and nice at times. Fei Du often contradicts himself, the reader in a way with his lies even hidden to us for a while, but he's driven to carve out some path. Who knows what, but he's going to do the carving himself. And characters like Lu Jia, Zhou Huaijin... are trying. Characters at the side are in a way all trying, even if its a goal the protagonists would never agree with...or trapped in the failure to. And yeah trying is broad lol I know ToT words are hard.

But just like... in silent reading I think as much as a story has clear villains... a point is also just there's nothing really clear cut in everyone's view. What's good to Fei Du is bad in Luo Wenzhous eyes. Trust that Luo Wenzhou values and wants to offer his loved ones, Tao Ran is terrified to let people trust and love him just to be destroyed if he fails them. Zhang Chenliu is the "bad guy" in this moment, and his company was horrific yeah. But to him being with his dage and Loyal to Death was Good... was the Best choice, and thats a choice perhaps Luo Wenzhou would make given the same childhood and his own loyalty to loved ones. Or maybe it's a choice he wouldn't. The point is that this story really delves into how people are just people, all myriad in their view of the world and morality, and as we interact our own perceptions all mesh to one mutual world we have to function in and find a way to connect to others in (like Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du), like all of us when our own perceptions no longer stand up in the world because we've crashed into people that made them no longer hold (like Zhang chenliu to Luo Wenzhou now).

Sorry, Director Zhang. I’ve found some things you didn’t want people to know, so I got here a step ahead and have been waiting here for you,” Luo Wenzhou said quietly. “Director Zhang, all these years you’ve spent venting the pain you experienced onto others, has it helped?

 

“You clearly knew that Zheng Kaifeng and Zhou Yahou were birds of a feather, and you still wallowed in the mire with him.” Luo Wenzhou turned a deaf ear on him. “Do you have nightmares? Do you dream of the monsters that hurt you when you were little? Have you been afraid all these years, feeling that you couldn’t surmount them, that you couldn’t face them, and so you had to become like them…”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“You knew that Zhang Chunling couldn’t control himself. He even went to Su Hui, like Zhou Yahou, like those heavy-jowled, pot-bellied assholes. It’s written down in Su Xiaolan’s diary. A girl who had just started elementary school—

 

“Who did Zhang Chunling take her for? The little Su Hui, who was the same age back then at Heng’an Orphanage?”

 

Zhang Chunjiu blank stare split open. “You understand shit!”

 

Luo Wenzhou’s gaze met Zhang Chunjiu’s in midair. He saw that the man’s eyes were bloodshot, like a trapped beast forced into a dead end. Zhang Chunjiu suddenly laughed quietly and slowly pressed down on his own chest. “You understand shit.—Luo Wenzhou, Young Master Luo… Have you ever been beaten? Have you ever been hungry? Do you know what it means to be afraid all the time?”

 

As he spoke, he slowly pulled his hand out of his inside pocket. The muzzles of seven or eight policemen’s guns locked on him at the same moment—Zhang Chunjiu was holding a small detonator!

 

“You don’t know anything, so don’t stand there talking about it.” One word at a time, Zhang Chunjiu said, “I’ll tell you a secret…”

 

Just then, a phone call came through to Luo Wenzhou’s earpiece.

 

Luo Wenzhou had no attention to spare, but he heard desperate panting from the other end, and Tao Ran struggling to spit out two characters in a wretchedly hoarse voice—

 

“Fei, Fei Du…”

 

“Fei Du is a good child.” Zhang Chunjiu lowered his voice strangely, his words coinciding with Tao Ran saying “Fei Du” over the earpiece. Luo Wenzhou’s pupils contracted.

 

Without warning, Zhang Chunjiu pressed down on the detonator.

[tetsuo-z]

• Side Story 4 •

Pairings: Tetsuo x Kaori/ Kaneda x Kei

Characters: Kaneda Shotaro, Kei, Kai, Mizuki, The Capsules, and Others

Summary: Conversations no one can hear or know except Tetsuo and Kaori

Genre: Fluff and Sweetness

Everyone was hanging out, but instead of hanging out at Kaneda’s place. They all decided it’ll be nice to go somewhere fun out in Tokyo, with not many people or crowds.

It took a lot of convincing and using Kaori to get Tetsuo to agree to the idea. He knew being holed up in a house for so long can be boring and suffocating.

And Tetsuo doesn’t like wearing his Kabuki mask for to long, it can be hard to breathe in it sometimes. Because it seems like they’ll be out longer than he wanted.

But he reminds himself to do it for her, because she deserves a different scenery every now and again.

They all got dressed and the guys rode to there destination.

“So where is this place you’re trying to take us to Kaneda?” Kai asked.

“You’ll see.” Kaneda smirked, leading the bikers. They finally made it and everyone looked up at the sign.

It was an outdoors onsen, one of the most popular ones.

“An onsen?” Tetsuo looked at Kaneda under his hood.

“Yeah, Kei and I one these awesome onsen tickets, at an event we went to. Also with great food mind you.” Kaneda grinned.

“I thought we needed to be somewhere with less people?” Mizuki added.

“It is, these are tickets for a private booking! So it’s just us.” Kei said excitedly, because now she has a girlfriend to join her, along with certain girls as plus one that were dating one of the gangs. To cover the other tickets

In the middle of the conversation Kaori chuckled out of no where. Causing stares, she noticed and then fixed herself. Tetsuo turned his head trying not to laugh.

“What’s so funny, I wanna laugh too?” Mizuki asked.

“Nothing.” Tetsuo answered, before everyone shrugged it off and continued inside.

“What if the Owner sees… You know.” Kai whispered in Kaneda’s ear pointing behind them at Tetsuo.

“Don’t worry man The Ow-“

“Welcome To Momo’s Onsen! My name is Juju Gezumi I am the owner of this onsen, and I hope you enjoy your stay.” The owner smiled at them, they all realized that-

“He’s blind, The Owners blind Kai. So he won’t see Tetsuo. Thank you Mr. Gezumi, we most certainly will.” All of them entered.

Everyone had a designated room, it was traditional but very nice and elegant. The food would arrive once everyone was out of the onsen.

As everyone was settling there stuff down. Kaneda and Tetsuo’s room was side by side, as he heard giggling and laughing from Tetsuo’s room with Kaori.

“What the hell are they laughing at!?” Kaneda was about to check, before Kei stopped him.

“Leave them alone.”

“It’s not like I’m doing anything, I’m just curious of what’s so funny. I don’t even hear them talking, it’s just laughing.”

“Haha, why does it concern you so much. Let them enjoy each other’s company, they deserve it you know. Just like us.” Kei walked two fingers up Kaneda’s arm on his shoulder. Eventually wrapping her arms around his neck.

Pulling him into a kiss, Kaneda hugging her waist. Bringing her closer to deepen the kiss. The kids felt long but was quick.

Kaneda, Kei, Tetsuo, and Kaori were doing a couples onsen. So they four was in the same one, Kaori was very skeptical. She wanted to join but her insecurities were knocking at her door.

The towel was covering her body, Tetsuo came behind her, “Need some help?” He whispered in her ear, with a devious tone in it.

“N-No I-I’m, F-FINEEEEE!” Kaori dragged the last word, as Tetsuo pushed her into the onsen. Before he hopped in, she popped up trying to catch her breath.

Kaneda and Kei came out after, and joined them. They didn’t notice that they were arguing telepathically.

Kei sighed in relief, “This is so niceee.”

Kaori nodded in agreeance, before dipping lower. To the point only half her head showed.

The trio began having a conversation about the place and soon other things. Kaori was still not the social butterfly, so she just listened peacefully.

Then she slightly perked up, turning her attention to Tetsuo. Who quickly side eye her with a smirk, and looked away.

He was talking to her telepathically while he’s verbally talking to the other two.

Tetsuo was trying to think of something that would really get his girlfriend in a fit of laughter. Then it hit him, he waited for the perfect moment

It went into a comfortable silence for a minute. Then all of a sudden Kaori burst into a fit of laughter, to the point she even began snorting. Covering her mouth trying to restrain her laugh, she cried so hard till she had tears.

Tetsuo ended up cracking up, Kaneda and Kei looked at them in shock. Kei slightly smiled, she thought Kaori’s snort was adorable.

“You guys been laughing non-stop. Can you like fucking tell us what it is!?” Kaneda was frustrated being left out of the joke.

“It’s an inside joke you wouldn’t understand.” Tetsuo smirked, as Kaori was calming down. She started laughing again.

“T-T-Tetsuo… S-S-STOP I-It! I-I can’t… breathe.” Kaori face was red, she got of the onsen going back to there room.

“Oh how cute you think it’s funny talking shit with your powers.” Kaneda glared at him.

“Yes. Yes I do.” Tetsuo grinned wider, he eventually got out and joined his girlfriend. Kaneda was glaring daggers in his back.

“Man he is so fucking annoying.” Kaneda folded his arms. It was Kei turn to get up.

“Ha! Now you know what it’s like to live with you.” Making all three of them laugh. Kaneda rolled his eyes, hoping out as well.

“You gonna regret making fun of me!”

In the end, everyone enjoyed themselves at the onsen, and the food was exquisite.

[twtd11]

Tumblr, do you want to see what I was doing at midnight last night? Get your head out of the gutter (I mean, or don’t. You do you, babe). Anyway, I was watching this:

That’s right, a low budget hallmark-esque Christmas movie and this is why you should watch it too:

First, I need to tell you, this movie is not good. You should not go into it with high expectations. This is not Goncharov. It is, however, ridiculously charming. There are 4 important characters (Haley, Kate, the-brother-whose-name-I-don’t-remember, and MeMaw). There are 4 supporting characters (the boss, who in a twist is not evil, the bad guy, the bad guy’s son, and Masonry (the vibe-checker)).

Haley (the woman on the right) is the high powered business executive. Her job duties include: doing important presentations and wrangling social media. Kate (the woman on the left) is the ranch hand with the inexplicably amazing hair. Like, I want her shampoo. The two leads’ hair in this movie is just completely on point.

The brother has some form of East Asian parentage, though it’s never brought up. MeMaw is Lindsay Wagner. None of these people look related. It’s easier to assume that everyone is adopted.

You know this movie is going to be good (bad) when Kate goes off on a horse at the beginning of the movie to fix a broken fence post and she can’t get back to the ranch before nightfall, so she goes to a motel and no one takes into account what happens to the horse. Like, was the horse tied up outside the motel? Did the motel have stables? Do people often ride their horses to the motel so the motel is prepared for these types of situations? We’ll never know.

Anyway, the ranch™️ has fallen on hard times thanks to a bank loan with exorbitant interest rates. They were doing ok by making money off of a Christmas hayride, but the bad guy set up his own hayride to try to drive them out of business where he could buy the ranch. They never say why he wants to buy the ranch so badly, but the important part is they’re trying to take away the family home at Christmas.

So, the brother (IMDb tells me his name is Charles) tries to call Hayley to get her to come home. Hayley blows him off several times before she gives in and heads home. Meanwhile, the start up where she’s working is about to be sold too. This is a good thing. It’s never quite clear what the start up does exactly, but it is something that involves a social media person who Hayley has to fire at the beginning of the movie. So Hayley has a big presentation to do to help with the sale. I’m sure you’ve already figured out how we’re going to Save The Ranch.

Before she goes home, Hayley has a online dating app date with Masonry. It does not go well. It involves a Chilean butterfly naming ceremony. And then Masonry consciously uncouples from the date because it wasn’t passing her vibe check.

Haley gets to town, and for another inexplicable reason, has to stop at a motel for the night instead of going straight home. This is the same motel as the somehow has hidden stables motel that Kate stops at for the night. They both open their dating app and it’s amazing! They actually match with someone in this tiny town in the middle of nowhere! (They match with each other, if that wasn’t clear). They go on an impromptu date at the local watering hole where they lie to each other about who they are until Hayley has an emergency and has to go. A social media emergency. Everyone is like, wtf is a ‘social media emergency?’ Because they’ve never been Eli Lily and had their stock tanked by a fake tweet about free insulin. Suffice it to say, the date ends badly.

Things do not go up from there. Hayley finally gets to the ranch and the first thing she does is suggest firing Kate because she’s too big of an expense never mode that Charles is utterly incompetent at running a ranch and MeMaw can’t do everything alone. Kate, or course, overhears this and is somewhat annoyed. I’m not downplaying that for humorous effect. That’s her actual reaction. “Somewhat annoyed.”

I’m not going to recount the rest of the movie because you should know by now whether or not this is your kind of thing. But there is an “only one bed” scene, and a “can’t get on a horse and needs help” scene and hot chocolate and deer stew and a Christmas hayride. MeMaw is obviously trying to play matchmaker. Haley has a Tragic Past and this leads to the Big Fight.

The leads have more chemistry than they have any right to and that really saves the movie. I legitimately wanted them to kiss every time they were on screen together. Until they actually kissed, which was just…so awkward.

Anyway, I think it was an excellent use of my time and I think you should watch it too. Because these types of movies are not supposed to be good. They are supposed to be charming and make you smile and make you root for the couple, and this movie did exactly that.

[dinnerwithrefi]

11.3 - No Cake, Please

Dinner: bowl of leftover yellow rice w/bell peppers, jalapenos & onions

I really hate having to juggle so many phone calls in the span of a day, honestly. I'm not really a recluse, but my social battery is so selective with who it wants to be drained with for the day. Instead, well, I'm calling what feels like everybody in my immediate family in regards planning for my birthday and Thanksgiving. The main problem that I've been running into is that my friend is coming up to visit and it's thrown a weird spanner in the works for what everyone was expecting. Then again, I had no inkling my mum was headed to South Carolina for impromptu babysitting, nor that my dad was headed to Tennessee to spend time with his partner's mother for what's possibly her last major holiday. More than anything, though, I just wanted to make sure that I got to see my Aunt Brenda at some point before the year ends. Ever since I moved here, staying in contact with her has proven to be pretty difficult, whether that's been due to being bedridden for two months due to injury, my mental health taking a nosedive and remedying it with too much vodka, or just forgetting in general that she left a voicemail to call her back, I've just been so keen on seeing her again at some point.

It's weird how close our birthdays fall to major holidays, though. Yours is three days before Halloween, mine ends up fluctuating with Thanksgiving in the accursed Gregorian vacuum we've been tricked into. Still, I'm happy you were able to celebrate with your friends before you moved in with me. Part of me wishes I could've met them, though I highly doubt you would've wanted a spanner like me in the works. With how much you seem to value seamless coordination, having me be either a wallflower or a flirty social butterfly would absolutely disrupt everything. Still, that's just the smaller part of me. That larger part is laced with pleasant surprise and jealousy that you have your shit together in that realm of life. Up until a couple of years ago, I'd honestly just given up on things like birthday parties, since my family always had a tendency to ruin them all the time. Most people always try and spin divorce in an insipidly optimistic light by extolling the badassery of two birthdays. What they fail to realize is that both parents trying to work out schedules to meet up at Applebee's several years in a row and completely ignore what you'd like to do while simultaneously being ignorant about the things that you really want, you end up with a series of hushed arguments an hour before the dinner rush where your mother is gobsmacked your father still has that secretary hired, your father won't get off the entire thing of how the money's getting split, and you get sideways glances from both when you're not throwing yourself out the window with joy at a stack of five twenties, which ultimately leads to you having to hear one side of how contentious life is as someone who's barely entered high school.

It's not that I was ever ungrateful for the time we got to spend together or the money, but at some point you just realize that they stopped paying attention. They don't notice your soul quite literally detach from your body, sliding down the passenger seat and into the foot well, while they're going on about things you have no knowledge about. The noncommittal responses overshadow the fact that I'd slipped my earbud in and just stopped giving a fuck entirely about them and, honestly, myself. Everything just became so numbing and impersonal that I always dreaded being around anybody when the last ten days of November hit. I'm glad you never had people like that in your life, though, Refi. I may not really know them personally, but Ari and Nicky sound completely differently, almost dreamlike to me. I had a couple of friends like that from college, but we fell off after I left to take care of my family for a while. Not sure how all five of us would've gotten along back then, because I was a very different person than I am now, and I would hope that you are too, but I can't help fantasize about all the hypotheticals that might come with melding me into a friend group that's ten years removed and a coastline apart from my eighteen year old self. I just know that I'm winning the imaginary strip poker tournament, assuming that's something everybody could get on board with. I never lose at strip poker.

About five years ago, though, I had enough of people sabotaging my birthday and I just put my foot down. Combination Thanksgiving-birthday meal with each individual side of my parent's families and just spend my birthday completely isolated from everybody else except the people I gave a shit about calling me and talking for as long as I could manage. The rest of the day? Typically a 9:00 to 17:00 affair with my music library, a Bluetooth speaker, and a twelve pack of the cheapest shit from the closest 7-11. While there was a hiccup a couple of years ago in that annual pattern, every single one of those birthdays have been infinitely more enjoyable than anything I could've possibly experienced when my parents were together, and it's been such a joy to flip my brain off for a day, regardless of the circumstances. Work the following day, in whatever capacity it came, was never fun, but I never and still don't give a damn. I've reached a third of my expected allotted time on this godforsaken planet, so why not enjoy it how I want to?

This year is incredibly different, though. For the first time ever, I'm actually letting someone come see me. I mean, shit, I'd be a dick to turn down someone coming up from the other half of the country specifically for me. More than anything, though, I think I'm glad that I get the chance to celebrate things in a way that's both on my terms and somebody else's. Granted, I haven't a single fucking clue in the universe what the two of us are going to do, and I hope that the sleeping arrangements end up working out, and if they don't, I can snag the air mattress from my mother for a while before she leaves. I'm filled with this flurry of crackling excitement and stinging nerves that's just kept a smile on my face the entire day, and being so painfully aware of it makes me smile even more.

I just hope you can forgive that I might not have dinner with you for a couple of nights later this month. No hard feelings, I'm sure.

[tr4sh-hive-3]

i need HELP pLEASE (& thank you)

fuck fuck fuck fuCK fUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

i need help.

I am simply in shambles.

hi! my name’s pan, I’m 13, and I’m failing all my classes. Fuck! I’m so lonely. Everyone’s disappointed in me. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything. Please help me.

I want to do something. I need to do something, anything. I can write. I can go full fucking Hamilton on this bitch. Like tomorrow won’t arrive, like I’m running out of time, like it’s going out of style, all that jazz. that’s my only skill, but fuck it’s pretty goddamn useful. I can do five (5) things; read, write, think, talk, and love. last one probably wouldn’t be super useful for college.

okay, I think I’ve calmed down a bit. hear me out. I will post something on tumblr everyday. everyday. cause if I can’t do something regularly that actually takes consistent memory and planning and commitment and all that fucking jazz I’m gonna start having suicidal daydreams again. even if it’s a stupid shitpost, I need————fucking something. This post has been in my drafts for, probably, some amount of weeks. I didn’t even finish that last sentence, “I need-“. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Yeah, writing is not useful. Theoretically, it should be, right? I should be seducing teachers and colleges and all sorts of academics with essays, but I’m not. I’m not even that good at writing. Mama says I am but she’s fucking lying. She also says I’m beautiful and smart and hardworking. The only reason I don’t have suicidal fantasies is cause of my mama. I love my mama very much. But she’s a fucking liar.

I can’t write. (4).

The only thing I read is fanfiction. I’m just gonna be honest ‘bout that. I’ve read the first 5 chapters of Divergent and Jesus fucking Christ it’s boring as fuck. Hold on: reading test scores. I’m usually in the 99th percentile for reading comprehension/proficiency. And lemme tell you, every time I take one of those silly little tests, it does WONDERS for my ego. But I am unable to read regularly.

I can’t read. (3).

Pretty sure I have severe social anxiety. I’ve always thought I would be able to talk to and entertain and charm people easily. Because I can talk to myself. I’m always talking to myself in made-up scenarios. And I’m always charming and entertaining. It’s so annoying when I’m trying to socialize with actual humans and I keep stuttering and going quiet and covering my face in embarrassment. And at first I thought it wasn’t that bad. That I could make those annoying-ass mannerisms kinda cute, right? And I could lean into it and make “cute’n’shy” the selling point of my personality. I know that sounds super cringey. This whole post sounds super cringey. And my last post too. I’m so scared that everyone else thinks I’m cringey and annoying and obnoxious and too loud or too quiet and not worth talking to. Anyway, that selling point does not work. It just gives me more anxiety. And fuck if I know the impression it makes on anyone else.

I can’t talk (to other people). (2).

I think I might be cupioromantic. I’ve read about romance. I’ve heard it described as butterflies and ecstasy pills. Romantic, sexual attractions are supposed to be strong feelings. Or at least enjoyable ones. And heartbreak is supposed to feel physically painful. I’ve never felt any of those. I thought I was touch-starved, but there’s this guy that I don’t particularly like who says he has a crush on me and we cuddle at the bus stop and sure the cuddles are fine and I don’t mind his company but I am not attracted to him at all. For some reason, I thought cuddling with a tolerable person would be super nice? But it’s not. So now I’m kinda just doing it so he doesn’t feel rejected. Not that I’m leading him on! I’ve been very clear that I am very much not attracted to him. I guess we’re friends. He refers to me as his crush. I don’t like that. This love rant has gotten kind of off topic. Back on track; I keep having these fantasies with a nameless person in which I hold their hand, kiss their forehead, make them pancakes, sing them love songs, write them love letters, give them little romantic gifts, pet their hair till they fall asleep, etc. I’ve never actually felt that way about a real person. I might not ever feel that way about a real person. All this romance stuff is really confusing and annoying. I’ll just stick to platonic relationships for now. But I don’t have any friends. I really hope everyone’s indifferent towards me. It’s so much easier to be unknown than it is to be disliked. I’m not sure which one I am.

I can’t love. (1).

My grandfather patented a medical imaging thingamajig. He was pretty smart. He’s dead now. I’m actually typing this from one of his three phones that I inherited cause my old one got stolen. I always liked the bastard. My dad yelled at him a lot but he didn’t give a shit. He never got upset or offended or quiet or loud back when my dad was an ass to him. Maybe he wasn’t the best parent. His kids (my dad and tia) turned out to be some nasty pieces of work. Actually, just my dad. Tia’s fine—just kinda loopy and alcoholic. She’s really nice. Her husband’s an ass, though. And her son. I can’t really blame the son. His parents are a little subpar. I got off topic again. Sorry. It’s kinda late and I’ve been dreadfully sick these last few days. You’ve got an attention span of steel if you’ve made it this far. Sorry again, back on track:

Following the pattern of this text post, I am now going to prove my state of <no thoughts head empty>.

I overthink things. A lot. I think there’s something wrong with me. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe my thoughts are completely normal. Maybe this is what it’s like inside everyone’s head. But if I’m the same as everyone else, why is it that the average “everyone else” can function as a human being? I can’t function. I can barely brush my teeth everyday. Let alone exist bearably in a school setting. Grades are the only things that matter right now. And mine are shit. So I don’t matter. I can’t even force myself to try. All of it is so fucking boring. AND I’M OFF TOPIC. AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. MY GRADES? SHIT. GRADES DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS. INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? THINKING. ABILITY TO THINK. ABILITY TO BRAIN PROPERLY. BRAINING. BRAINING WELL. ZAPPING THE FUCKING BRAIN CELLS IN PROPER FUCKING ORDER. ALL THE BRAIN CELLS. FUCKING. BRAIN CELL ORGY. HOTEL? MOTHERFUCKING TRIVAGO.

Think? I cannot. Can’t think. I cannot think. (0).

Okay! That’s all five! I have zero (0) skills! Yay! Shit! I have provided evidence and reasoning. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally gotten to the end of this godforsaken text post. This bitch has been in the drafts for weeks. What was even the point of this? Is this what is feels like to finish something? To accomplish a task?

If you’re actually reading this, congratulations. You’re ready to kill god. If you haven’t already. You have the focus of a goddamn hawk.

I. Am. Going. To. Stop. Rambling

I. Am. Going. To. Post. Everyday.

(insert clever sign-off here)

[chaossery]

Unpopular opinion maybe, but Himiko Toga has got to be one of the most underrated and underappreciated characters in BNHA.

I mean, on one hand, she has this surprisingly vocal hatedom that sees her as nothing more than some freaky yandere and a crudely written hypocrite to boot. However, I'm also talking about good chunks of her fandom. Those that only like her for her cute design and her "yandere" appeal, but never bother to look at what's beyond the surface.

I don't know, it just kinda stings.

First, because Himiko is without a doubt the best-written female character in BNHA. She is the most proactive and plot-relevant out of all of them and has the best character arc and most in-depth backstory.  

But also, because her story hit really close to home for me personally. (In fact, way more than the Todoroki subplot did. I'm an only child with rather devoted parents, so… There's that. However, being treated like crap for something that's beyond your control, trying to be "normal" and trying to fit in at all costs since everyone tells you that you need to be "normal" and need to fit in, even if it means suppressing your true self, and then eventually hitting your breaking point because you just can't continue to live a lie like that… Yeah, I can feel that.)

Sometimes, it just feels like Himiko gets way less appreciation and sympathy than Tomura or Dabi, even though her anger and her issues with hero society aren't any less valid than theirs. And I don't think that's fair at all.