#so anyway here's this i guess

[bg3-npc]

Asexual Awareness Week and BG3

Below the cut is 1,000~ words of introspection on Astarion and sex repulsion. As an asexual person who's very sex averse, I surprisingly found myself relating to many of his struggles regarding sex and intimacy. This is less about Astarion being ace, and more about how his struggles with sex and romance mirror mine. That relation has lead me to this potential insight into his character. It's obviously extremely biased, which is why I put the word count first. I have a similar post about Wyll here. So if your interested in introspection that is probably more projection, I bring you this.

Astarion has been denied his autonomy for over 200 years. He’s amassed trauma from that, and a prominent portion of it is sexual. It’s this specific form of his trauma I will be working with.

For him, there are practically zero positive associations with regards to sex. He essentially uses it to survive, mainly because it’s all he knew in his time under Cazador. Nearly every sexual situation he encounters in game, he dissociates through it. Even when he enthusiastically consents, dissociation still happens. While sex is distressing in of itself, it is even more so when romance is factored in.

While love is great in theory, it would be a nightmare for Astarion personally. One of the reasons being sex is seen as inherent to romantic relationships. It’s an unspoken fact. Even people who know they’re not entitled to sex go into every romantic relationship expecting it. It’s one of the perks of having a romantic partner. Consistent access to a free source of mutual pleasure, consistent access to a body. He's actively trying to escape a situation where he has no autonomy, why would he want to enter a situation where you’re expected to forfeit it?

As you continue to develop a relationship with him, he's put in a dilemma. He’s been a sex object for so long, he doesn’t know how to be anything else. What do you do when the inherent expression of love is also an activity integral to your trauma? You can have sex without love, but no one loves without sex. What’s the point of pursuing love if you’d be constantly making yourself do something that distresses you? Aren’t relationships supposed to make you happy? Comfortable? Safe? What’s the point of them if they don’t? Falling in love while trying to actively escape captivity never even occurred to him as something that could happen.

If you respect his boundaries, Astarion refrains from having sex with you. If Halsin propositions you later in the game, Astarion asks if his lack of participation is a factor. He knows that besides all the other drawbacks to dating him, being denied sex is the biggest blow to romancing him. When you want to remove sex from the relationship, suddenly even the strictest monogamist will want to be non-monogamous. Your partner is the one sacrificing something after all. It’s them who doesn’t get to have sex with you. They’ll always be the one going without, you’re the one denying your partner something. It’s never seen as you sacrificing your autonomy for their pleasure. Denying someone sex in a romantic relationship is viewed as worse than traumatizing yourself for the sake of your partner’s sexual pleasure. You are the one expected to compromise. You’re supposed to be the one to forfeit your wants and well-being. What’s the point of loving someone if you can’t even fuck them?

If you find the drow twins after killing Cazador, Astarion eagerly wants to have that sexual experience. This time for himself. He is free from him captor, he has his autonomy back, and he wants to reclaim the pleasure of sex. I get that! Sex is (supposedly) wonderful! Attitudes towards it vary, but the consensus is everyone enjoys it. Not only can it allow you to connect with someone, but it can also allow you to connect with yourself. When done correctly, sex is a universal pleasure.

Until it isn’t.

You try to exposure yourself enough to it, change enough variables, hoping that there’s a secret to enjoying this act you just haven’t figured out. Yet every time, no matter how many things are different, at the end of it all it’s still sex. And it makes you sick. Your skin feels like it’s trying to crawl away from your muscle, you can feel disgust roiling through your veins, and suddenly, you’re aware of your own skeleton. You feel this revulsion to your bones. Yet you push through. You go through the motions, follow the steps. Even someone you trust entirely will touch you with erotic desire and your body reacts horribly. You try to make it good for your partner while you tolerate it…at best.

“What purpose do I have other than sex?” Is one of Astarion’s main struggles throughout the game. He feels sex is all he has to offer, yet it’s a continual source of pain for him. He can discuss it, describe it, theorize and philosophize it, but the actual act distresses him. The “universal pleasure” does nothing for him but harm. Romance only compounds this issue. If the only thing he has to offer hurts him, then what’s the point of romancing him? “What is the point of being with me if you can’t fuck me?”

These are all issues constantly on your mind when you’re sex repulsed. While his problems with sex stem from trauma, they still mirror my own. I will probably never be able to enjoy sex, but he might. He can work through his issues and learn to enjoy it again. However, another recovery option coud be opting out of sex altogether.

Realizing and accepting it’s not something he wants or enjoys, and having a partner who respects would be life changing for him. I know it would be for me. Because there's never someone who views you as a whole. Never someone who looks at you and doesn’t see anything missing. There’s never someone who’s content with what you’re able to give. There’s never someone that sees a relationship with you as complete. Never someone who goes “You’re not lacking anything. You’re giving what you can. Relationships are continuous agreements of consent, not entitlement to autonomy.”

Sex repulsion has an odd way of objectifying you, similar to how Astarion has been. When you try to remove yourself from sex, it becomes the sole focus of you. Whether it’s because you’ve only ever been a sex object, or because you don’t want to partake in it. Every rejection and failed compromise continues to reinforce how vital sex is to everyone. Everyone, except you.

[doodlecrumb]

Marauders fandom!! You have been summoned. Look! It’s a James! Feast thine eyes! (I’m sorry, do what you want. I’m not the boss of you. Have a nice day.)

[egophiliac]

(almost) four years in, and I finally had time to draw something for the anniversary! woo! 🎉🎉🎉

[hinamie]

wanted to practice some more intense angry expressions and what better excuse to further my agenda of giving megumi the emotional catharsis he deserves

[knifearo]

being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one

[theminecraftbee]

IN CELEBRATION OF XISUMA IN MCC: one of my favorite xisuma clips of all time. "i made bedwars :(". important additional knowledge: they then proceeded to suck ass so badly. and this is also after they had already sucked so badly,

[julijbee]

in awe of the beauty of the world

[demaparbat-hp]

Little Zuzu for an incoming project 🔥

[shepscapades]

Not quite

[umblrspectrum]

you'll never guess which movie i finally watched after 2 years of being lazy

[muzzlemouths]

can i also be beautiful if i am dangerous?

[electronicmail]

Firefox-official vs electronicmail

Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby

okay come up with a better idea then. firefox-official is gone asshole it’s electronicmail or nothing

[firstprinced]

a Shaan appreciation post for serving at all times, having the funniest interactions with Alex, and taking care of Henry. bonus the boys gossiping:

[hinamie]

new limited edition firefighter spacesuit hazmat itfs just dropped

[xxplastic-cubexx]

welcome back to my accidental newfound journey to redraw every frame from this movie i GUESS

[saragrosie]

As promised, incredibly stupid s4-5 drawings