#so I can say whatever I want about myself into the void of the Internet without raising eyebrows or causing concern

[captainsparklefingers]

I'm trying to get the energy and motivation and desire to do...well. Anything. It's not really working out so well.

Like I know I need to write. I won't feel good about this stupid fic unless I work on it, finish it, edit it, etc. but I just...am drawing blanks as far as motivation.

I should draw. I feel better being creative. But there's no juice.

I should go to the gym. I like exercising, and I went yesterday after work and it was good, and with my work schedule changing again I won't be able to go on Wednesday for much longer...but I just want to go home and sleep for 12 hours.

Hell, I should actually try to find work to do at work. There's some things I could be doing; not much, but something...but what's the point? Nobody ever uses any of the stuff I work on in the catalog. Even with students coming back next week, nothing I do is going to feel like it makes any sort of difference or positive impact.

I need to catch up on CR and get excited for d20 tonight, but I just wanna lie down forever. Hell, I need to think about healthy actual food to eat and make, but all I've done is eat a sleeve of Ritz, insult myself, and decide that's probably enough food for the next few hours.

I'm really hoping the medication changes we're making are going to help, or at least cut some of this exhaustion and apathy off at the knees a little bit... I'm tired of not enjoying anything, not really, and of having things I like and want to do feel like this big obstacles that are easy to put off and ignore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being unhappy.

[skyfallscotland]

Hi! I hope you’re feeling better. 💜

When I’ve heard writers talk about their process, some outline a character before they start writing and outline everything- the charcater’s history, personality, etc. While other writers say the character “talks” to them as they write and they don’t plot a lot out before hand. I’m curious- how much of Remi’s personality did you determine before you started writing? For example, did you know she was wonderfully snarky before you started writing? Did you always know she struggled with depression?

I know you’ve written other OC’s too. Has your process changed since writing Tessa and co?

Hi!

I...am incapable of lying lol. I'm not really, but I appreciate the sentiment 💗 Not looking for sympathy, just keeping it real 💀 The depression be doing some depressing. But hey, *sobs as I smash at my keyboard* it makes for great content!

I don’t hear it. I can’t hear anything but the pounding of my own heart and one memory on repeat. You can love someone and hate them a little at the same time. My mind is stuck on that. I know he loves me, but—he hates me, he hates me, he hates me—I fucked things up.

I never outline an entire character before I start writing. I have an idea in my head, but not a whole profile. I don't even name them until I'm part way through a story, they're "Name" usually until like chapter five-ish and then I hate their names until like chapter ten.

The case of Remi is a little different, honestly I've kind of done things backwards. When I created Tessa I had an idea of what her personality would be, based on what she'd been through living in Illyria and there were small parts of myself I incorporated into her, like her struggle with social settings and relationships. With Stella I was more just having fun, but keeping in mind the (broad overview) history I had planned for her. They do kind of just write themselves, if I'm honest. It's why I like to write ahead, because I only ever have a broad plan in mind.

I don't know that I ever really planned to publish BRV outside of like a little wattpad adventure. It was entirely self-indulgent. I tried very hard with Tessa and Stella to have them be...measured? I guess you'd say. To not pour too much of myself into them.

Remi was cathartic. There's so much of me in her. She was my 'whatever, it's not serious' character and story. I just threw whatever I wanted at the page without worrying about whether things were realistic or too self-indulgent and I guess that worked for a lot of people.

I knew she'd be snarky and a realist and that she wouldn't be as settled as Violet with her chronic illness. I knew she'd be depressed and quick to anger because that's me and my experience and it was a therapeutic process pouring all that out onto the page. So I guess I didn't really need to determine anything, I just wrote from the heart. She's almost self-insert. It's made it really comforting that people relate to her so well, because it feels like they relate to me, when no one else does outside of the internet.

It's funny because I'm trying (and never making time) to plot out the original novel I plan on writing and there's this voice in my head like saying I have to be measured and I have to plot out these characters first and their whole histories and personalities because it's a Serious Thing, but then I'm reminded that the character I wrote who resonated the most with people was just me throwing my unhinged feelings into the void, so???

Also, I had intended my first original fantasy novel (featuring a chronically ill fmc and dragons) to have two main characters—Remi and Caden. Then Fourth Wing came out and I screeched in fury. I used the name for BRV anyway, but... 🙃

And the MMC for my sports romance is named Liam and I wanted to give the FMC a nice tough girl name like Sloane 😭 but I guess the universe said fuck you, again, so that's a nope, so if anyone has suggestions here I am.

[thefrogdalorian]

Hello! 

You may (or may not... I don't like to presume) have noticed my little break from posting. I just wanted to share something in case anyone was worried about me and assure you there is no need to be :) 

There isn't really one reason for why I've been on hiatus, but I guess a collection of things. 

I was really poorly with covid but thankfully I'm feeling a lot better now! But being so sick and stuck in I guess made me reevaluate certain things. 

Since recovering I got to see a lot of people I really adore with my whole heart, as well as being lucky enough to experience so many things I love with them.

And it made me realise what truly makes me happy in life. I suppose it really put things into perspective for me. I'm thinking more and more that tumblr (and being online generally) is something which unfortunately does not spark joy any longer. 

To be honest, (as I'm sure many people who were given far too much unsupervised access to the internet at a young age also do), I have a complicated relationship with social media. It doesn't make me feel good most of the time. I don't know how to handle some of the things I read and some of the things people have said to me. And just like I do irl, if the vibes feel off, I usually retreat into my shell to regroup. 

While I have made so many friends over the years of being chronically online and spoken to plenty of great people, I can feel myself getting drained again. And I really haven't missed it during the time I've been away.

I've filled my time with a lot of reading (I read Pride and Prejudice THREE times... doing amazingly), some writing and lots of long walks in nature. It's been really good for me!

As a result, right now, I just don't feel like continuing to post on this blog.

This decision wasn't caused by anyone or anything in particular. But when I've made my mind up about something, it's pretty impossible to change it. I've been mulling it over for a few days and my heart is telling me to go.

Anyway, I'm going to continue working on my WIPs and most likely continue posting them to AO3. It's by far the least social media-ish platform out there, and I really like posting on it. 

I need to take a step back to remember why I started writing, which was really as a way to get emotions out and to scream into the void a little. I don't enjoy sharing my work on tumblr, I kind of felt like I had to rather than genuinely wanting to. 

Truthfully, I just want to create and consume others' work in peace. I don't want to feel like I need to market my writing or whatever or compare myself to others. As much as I try not to, I think it's only human nature. 

So, I guess I'm really making this post to say I'll be going on a hiatus from tumblr. But I don't intend to stop writing or posting to AO3 and I hope to see you over there! 

I have no idea how long I'll be away for. Who knows... when winter comes around and my seasonal depression returns, or perhaps there is a major Mando update, maybe I'll return! 

For now, all there's left to say is how much of a pleasure it was posting about Mando and talking with you lot all these months. 

If anyone (mutual or otherwise) would like to keep in touch, feel free to message me for my discord! I'd be happy to continue chatting to you on there.

For me, in the headspace I'm currently in, one on one conversation is far less intimidating than being perceived by lots of people lol. 

I'll likely drop in at some point soon-ish and check for any of those messages, but until then, it's not a goodbye, but a see you later! 

Please care of yourselves and be kind to others :) 

Love,

Spud 🐸🩷

[dr-spectre]

man i saw your last two posts and i wanted to tell you, you're not cringe, and you're not unlovable

i've had like, one full conversation with you going back and forth on both shared and unshared interests and it had a profound effect on me at the time

I need to unlearn shame, i need to be more open with what i fixate on and what i'm doing (and also the realization i'm definitely on some kind of spectrum), from one chat with someone *loud and proud* like you, how fucking crazy is that?

I hardly know you personally, but it's not hard to gauge how awesome you are, in face of your perceived faults, several of which i share myself, you yap so much but you're so genuine and passionate i and pretty much everyone who sticks here loves to read it, it never gets old, it never gets annoying

you put your whole pussy into innocuous little things about the subject matter, and it's a wonderful thing

you can find friends, you can find love, and you deserve both of those things

this is a little long but it's sentiments i've had for awhile now but no good opportunity to share......

I.... I..... WHA.

WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS?!?!?! YOU CAN'T DROP THIS IN MY INBOX LIKE THAT!!!

LISTEN... ITS JUST.... I aint awesome!!! Im some 20 year old autistic dude who's too obsessed with a squid woman! How's that awesome!!?!?!? I haven't made an impact on anything... not on the community... not on inkipedia... not on anyone... I have 300 followers... that's nothing...

...or have i?!?! There's no way I could have had an impact on someone... hell even SEVERAL PEOPLE! I just overanalyse stuff that seems so cut and dry but... people are actually positive about my stuff? People say to me that I changed the way they see this important character to me.... BUT THERE'S NO WAY RIGHT?!?!? I still feel like a drop in the ocean. Just a spec of dust!!! I haven't made real change yet... OR HAVE I?! I DON'T KNOW!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

Maybe.... maybe if I have changed one person's perspective, then maybe it was worth it in the first place...

You know. I wanna say that the reason I came to tumblr was because my irl friends aren't into Splatoon and my family gives me a meh shoulder shrug to my interest. It was so difficult for me to explain Splatoon to my parents when Splatoon 3 came out and I picked up the game at launch! So I went here because I felt like it was the best place to express myself. And yeah I'm glad I stuck with it honestly.

I get why my irl friends aren't into Splatoon, they need to buy a multi hundred dollar console that's about to get replaced soon just to play 2 games. And trying to explain to them Nintendo Wii U and Switch emulation is just... I dont even wanna attempt that HAHAHAHA!!!! So I often felt lonely and it felt like I was screaming into a void when talking about Splatoon to them in a discord server. I guess that's where my sense of loneliness comes from.....

I genuinely have NO ONE in real life to talk to about my interests and have someone ACTUALLY listen. I guess that's why I feel cringe and not cool at all. My interests are so nerdy and I'm on the spectrum, my social skills are like D tier. I genuinely cannot talk about myself, i really cant. Its why i have never been in a romantic relationship before.... As a 20 year old dude, that shit fucking stings I'm not even gonna lie. I think about that shit every day. LITERALLY EVERY DAY I'M NOT LYING!!!!

But anyways, I'm getting way too personal on the internet. I don't wanna be some sad sap.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm not sure if I truly feel like I deserve love but. Thank you anyways. I guess it is a good quality to have that I can ramble and yap and become really focused on something, even if it's not adult things like... getting a job, paying taxes or whatever HAHAHAHA!

[soulfarer23]

Yapping about shifting even tho I should just shut it lol

First Tumblr post. No clue WTF I am doing. Just bear with me or don't. Random brain puke.

Please don't hate me, I am just letting my intrusive thoughts flow lmao. Not intending to undermine any opinions, just having strong opinions myself XD

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok firstly, I feel like I am the biggest try hard on this version of Earth when it comes to shifting. Not the process of shifting, but the goddam SCRIPTING.

There is no way in hell I could ever just shift without a script. I mean, of course I COULD, but I don't want to.

I like to think that I am grasping the true vastness of infinity quite well for a human. And then I often realize I don't, and I really don't want to. It's the single-handedly greatest yet most horrific fact about reality.

You gonna tell me that every horror movie and every nightmare, every single horrific thought I ever had exists in infinite variations at all times? Yea thanks, I don't wanna grasp that. I don't wanna know that there is a version of me and my school class going through the fucking 'Midsommar' movie, and that's probably just the very tip of the iceberg.

But you know what, it's fine. As long as I convince myself that only those realities that I decide to be aware of are relevant, everything is fine. To be honest, I had those phases of wanting to have a horrific backstory to get all that main character pity. I am glad I stopped that before shifting. You can do that if you want, but I am done with that... mostly... ok I might do it once or twice just to have experienced it...

ok ok ok... back to the scripting.

I want you to know, firstly, that I've been deep into the 'Worldbuilding' hobby for about 10 years now. I love creating new worlds, I love finding solutions to potential problems, I love overthinking everything, I love DETAILS, I love perfection, I love both being absurdly creative or just steal shit I fell in love with.

This doesn't come into play a lot with those movie/anime etc. DRs because I actually like to keep those mostly in their 'original' form, just making changes to things that irk me.

I am very invested in scripting myself a Home Reality which I will declare my true 'original' reality, where I also will go If I were to 'die' in any other reality.

I like going for a cozy, magic, fairy tale, utopian theme. I've heard a lot of people say that perfection is boring, but then again, how would they even know? I don't believe that a utopian world would be boring, nor do I think I could ever get bored with existing (It's actually part of my script that I can never get sick of life)

I am planning to genuinely exist for all eternity, well we are all eternal, but I mean as in staying the same person with the same knowledge and past.

I feel like very little people take shifting as far as I do, not just living through the 'fictional' works of other people of this reality, but really 'creating' your own, in-depth reality.

Hell, I literally have a MICROCOSMOS section in my script. I literally made up microorganisms called Nova Protozoa and Opal Archaea.

I've learned so much about earth and nature just so I can remake it for my Home Reality.

So, well, right now I am really just affirming and persisting for the Void-State, so I am really just on here to expose myself to the internet until I am gone.

Comment whatever you want, but be warned, I don't argue, I just block lol.

I am just going to start posting random shit about my shifting brain or my DR/DR's.

I don't know if this is motivating or demotivating, or if anyone is ever going to actually read this. But none of that matters, just enjoying my last days of being aware of this shithole reality.

[adambja]

It's a quit a long post so in sorry for that and I'm not a native English speaker so please pardon my mistakes......

Hey girl , I have a question and it's not related to aff tapes but I want to ask you this question to know your opinion and hope you give me a solution and guide me on this ..... So

To be very honest i manifest so many things in my life ,

I even shift one time ,

Enter in void state also by doing psych k method i think after 2 and half day ,

Even get results by practising living in the present moment ,

Even I get results from your free tapes.

I'm telling you to know I get results and not telling lie and things that i manifest , good friends to good grades to pass in exams or even allow to sit in exams even after not going clg entire year 😅 and for all this I have all my desires so smoothly even just my laptop have internet when whole hostel don't have and so many more fun things and all......

As for live in the present moment - In my check up I diagnosed diabetic but through live in the present moment I heal myself and when I do next day check up I'm completely healthy...

As for your tape come on girl ... There are so many , don't know where to start 🤣🤣🤣 ....anyways so many things

But my main problem is whenever I tell , share my success stories to anyone it stops happening 😭😭😭 I don't believe in it before but i shift and I tell a friend about it till now I don't shift , it's like 2 yrs now ....

Tell my void success story even just as an anon but still after that I didn't enter in void ....

After telling your aff tape success story I start having more doubts or even sometimes I can't even listen to your tape because people district me or start talking to me and want me to answer them but i prefer to listen to it calmly and be alone , all the symptoms i feel suddenly gone .....

After sharing my present moment success story I don't see any results till now .... Not even with the psych method....

At first i just thought that I don't do it properly or maybe I tell my success story to someone who is a negative person and can't understand all of this law and all so it's effect my process because I'm not perfect in it ( it's a wrong and limiting belief ) ...So i decided if i want to tell someone my success story or tell someone my journey I'll just tell it to people who is like me ... So in the community..... But even after telling people like me ( who believe in loa , manifestation and all ) I still get stuck ..... And I tell my success stories to people who help me and to help others but what now ...... Today i suddenly see all things .......

So what should I do to overcome ...😭😭😭

Thank you for taking your time to read ..... I'm sorry again...

I saw some people on here and twitter having the same issue lmao 😭😭

It's just you are making yourself stuck due to your self-concept you keep putting yourself in a maze and confusion due to your self-concept and it's not about my tape at all BUT I AM GLAD MY TAPES MADE YOU COME HERE AND ASK FOR A SOLUTION 😭!!! BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOW THERE IS A WEIRD THING HAPPENING AND THIS IS one of the benefits in the tape your subconscious mind literally lets you know what is the issue and the assumptions you have to change that's why some people experienced some negativity while listening to the tapes NOT EVERYONE THEY ARE LITERALLY 3 PEOPLE GUYS!!

Anyways let's get deeper into this!

So look you got that belief from someone as if it's like if you say your goals or your success stories they can be jinxed and whatever this is

THE FEELING YOU ARE DEALING WITH HERE IS "FEAR" YOU ARE JUST SCARED OF IT and it's okay your feelings are valid but jinxing isn't even real because nobody is real 😭😭 because THE REALITY ITSELF ISN'T REAL SO YOU ARE LITERALLY SAFE

How to solve this?

Affirm

"I am safe"

"I am comfortable"

"I am safe saying my success stories to everyone"

"I am comfortable saying my success stories to everyone"

Also congrats on your success stories with my tapes hehehe 🤭🫶🏻 I know you will have more after this

[ankhegs-in-my-salad]

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest.

My wonderful friend @tavyliasin made a lovely addition to this post about how important giving your friends positive feedback can be to people, specifically former gifted kids, and I wanted to chime in with my own addition but it got super long and wasn't even the original point of the post lmao so here I am.

Anyway, we got some awesome insight about how leaving your lovely feedback is especially beneficial to former gifted kids in the previous post. Under the cut - me rambling about why positive feedback means so much to me, the Chronically Mediocre Kid.

Growing up, I was always painfully mid. I worked my absolute ass off to get my passing grades, and I got them for the most part. I wasn't good enough to be told I was doing well and I wasn't bad enough to actually get any help. Got into uni by the skin of my teeth and my degree the same way. I was stuck in middle-of-the-road land and pretty much always have been, with the exception of one notable outlier in my late 20's.

Now, as the name would suggest, us Mediocre Kids are very easy to forget about. We're just kinda there, and there's a lot of us. The NPCs or the studio extras, filling out space in the background of the class.

So how does this tie into writing or art or fandom in general?

For myself, and probably a lot of other people like me, writing in fandom has been the first real time to get that positive validation beyond "congrats you passed! You achieved the bare minimum!" I didn't get it at school (the place where, upon telling my chemistry teacher that I wanted to study chemistry at uni, was told verbatim "but you have to be smart to study chemistry") and it certainly wasn't at uni (where I had to resit a year and where the defence of my dissertation started with the words "the first thing we hated about it was[...]").

God, looking back I wish I had started posting fan fic so much earlier. Yes, comments are few and far between but when you get them? Oh my god.

Now I want to preface this by saying - Yes, I know that "you shouldn't write for validation" and I absolutely don't. I've been writing since I could hold a pen and only started posting stuff for actual humans to read in October. Does my background sound like that of someone who expected to get validation from strangers online? You can bet your arse that isn't why I'm here. It was just an absolutely massive unexpected bonus.

Fan fiction sent me from "congrats on the bare minimum" to someone telling me my silly AO3 story was their favourite thing they'd ever read on that whole website.

Do you have any idea what that does to someone who has spent their whole life being "good enough"? "Fine"? "Passed"? I was never good or bad enough to receive attention. My performance always "unnoteworthy". And that was fine, I always told myself. Because, as mentioned above, I've always been doing stuff for me and me alone. I learned early there wasn't any point in doing it for anyone else. Do you know how it felt to have a complete stranger reach out to me through the Internet and tell me that something that I had done, something that I had created, had a profound effect upon them?

Folks, I fucking cried.

For someone like me, every single comment, kudos, tag, all of it, is incredibly special. Even a comment as simple as an emoji or "loved this". It puts a little piece into a void in me that I didn't even know was there. It makes me feel as though maybe, if I can make one person happy with my writing, bring someone that kind of joy, there is more to me than just "passing grade".

And let me tell you, I'm still not used to it. It's one of the most wonderful feelings. And if you feel it too, don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for "seeking validation" or whatever. We know that's not why we're here, but my goodness if it doesn't make a difference when we get it.

So, to anyone who has ever given kudos, made a comment, left a tag on a post, any of it - thank you. It means more than I think a lot of people could ever know.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[gunkbaby]

rambling abt how i used to feel abt shuu in TG’s ending and why i think i was wrong (+ part of what he means 2 me)

I remember back in 2021, i was into this idea that Shuu didn’t get a happy ending at the end of tg:re, because the characters that got ‘happy’ endings were shown to be in heteronormative relationships - married, with a child or multiple - whilst characters like Shuu didn’t have that.

I think at the time, myself - maybe other ppl - took this as being kind of queerphobic, or at least unsatisfactory to the queer characters. The ‘Shuu Tsukiyama deserved better’ of it all.

And whilst yes, Shuu Tsukiyama did indeed deserve better; in hindsight I do so strongly disagree with this idea I had. I think it relies on a particular interpretation of the story, which I don’t think I agree with. I think maybe, some of this idea did come from people who maybe didn’t like TouKen being canon - and whilst I don’t necessarily like how TouKen became canon, I think maybe I got swept up in this interpretation too.

It wasn’t so much that I wanted Shuuneki to be canon or anything - it was much the opposite. I thought that Shuu should not have been so unwillingly faithful to Kaneki after the Tsukiyama Extermination, that he had earned a moment of scorn, he had earned the right to ‘split’, you could say. This isn’t necessarily an idea I wholly disagree with, but I was going about it in the wrongly. I thought about the ending in a very black and white way - Shuu not having that moment, to me, meant the ending was void. He was living in false happiness - forced to watch the man he loved be happy whilst he was still a glorified dog. I thought he needed to be away from Kaneki to be truly happy, and I think that was the issue with my idea.

I think the reason I so strongly resonated with this interpretation of the ending as being subpar and Shuu not getting his flowers was also very much my projection onto Shuu. I think my anger was still very much aimed at how the ending came, but I misplaced it.

At the time, I myself was experiencing my first ’BPD moment’ I suppose? I’d come online and actively engaged with a fandom for the first time in my life outside of Wattpad. I didn’t know what I was doing or what was happening, my social skills were (and are) nonexistent - I left school at 13 and the only person I’d really interacted with since was my abuser and doctors. I was awful at it all. When I started to get mutuals and the like, I was really quite inappropriate - clingy and unaware, unstable and nuclear. I fucked up a lot of myself because of it, and I still have to recover from it even now. So, with that in mind, as someone with BPD, who was that inappropriately co-dependant person - and who is now aware of that fact - nowadays, I look at Shuu’s ending with less comtempt, and a lot more optimism.

I think now that Shuu’s happy ending would never have been to be with Kaneki - only in an ideal world that serves our illnesses. Him learning to grow past this limerence, to see Kaneki in a way that isn’t so ride or die, and to maintain a healthy, platonic relationship with him, feels perfect. It gives me hope as someone with BPD, that I might not be doomed to always be quite a toxic person in regards to having any kind of relationship. You can argue that I’m arguing abt the ‘single is better’ trope or whatever terminally online thing it is now, but I don’t see it like that.

When I think about it now, I think Shuu’s ending was perfect for him. Now, I look at him through my ‘BPD gaze’ (eurgh) and see this ending as something very hopeful. The idea of being able to exist with this person you’ve been so obsessed with, in a way that does not create a detriment to yourself, and to exist and have a seemingly normal, healthy friendship with that person - it’s kind of the dream. For me, at least - personally I dream to have relationships that don’t lead to me embarrassing myself on the internet and in public and ending up relapsed and on a ward. Just me, maybe.

I take his ending nowadays as something quite hopeful.

Shuu’s arc in :re, to me, has always been symbolic of recovery. When I first read it, I was in therapy, specifically in an eating disorder clinic - Shuu’s own recovery from anorexia meant I could do it too. His softening of his depression meant I stood a chance too. His seeming abandonment of his ‘Gourmet’ persona I compared to myself, in learning to let go of my idea of myself as an anorexic. Him learning to possess and lean into his own empathy, to embrace feelings and ideas of himself that contradicted this idea of a civilised, ferocious man-eating predator, to love with less shame - to me it appeared as a story of learning to embrace that possessing humanity is not a weakness. To be human is so confusing, but it can be so ethereally freeing.

Shuu’s story has felt like a lot of things to me. It’s learning to abandon the adoration one possesses for the idea of the self, understanding that to continue living in such a way leads to self-destruction. But also, that to self-destruct is to rebirth. We are constantly self-annihilating and rebuilding ourselves from our ashes.

I’m reminded of the Fire lily - a flower that exists in fire-prone areas of the cape of South Africa. The lily is unique, lying dormant for many, many years, and particularly difficult to cultivate; as it relies on smoke from surrounding wildfires to bloom. So it requires a level of destruction and ravage to bloom, and it is so, so beautiful. In the process, the lily becomes the only source of pollen in the area, so it becomes crucial for the other species in the area. As the other plants in the area return, the lily dies, and returns underground, until the next fire.

To me, Shuu’s story feels like a cycle of nature and destruction. He goes from this idea of the apex predator, through an annihilation, to a rebirth.

His story - his character - despite itself, has felt painfully human. The fear of aligning yourself with humanity, the pain of existing within a species that has become little but an arrogant pest. Which feels so ironic. It’s hard to speak on this, maybe I’m not smart enough, and though I don’t feel like one, I have only ever lived as a human, and that is my only perspective. So maybe him feeling so human is major projection, and I’m wrong, but I see it in Shuu. How he denies things like friendship and kinship with humans, how he tries to put himself on a pedestal - I read this as a side-effect of alienation and loneliness. He doesn’t quite fit in with ghouls where he should, but to accept that you do not fit in because you are strange - there is something wrong with you - is very painful, so it’s much easier to become arrogant. He feels so in denial of his loneliness, of a need for companionship; and that, to me, feels very human. He wants to fit in, maybe he wants to be something other than othered, but he’s in denial of this, and he’s in denial of his flaws - the flaws that alienate him - so he remains stagnant, waiting for the inevitably of self-destruction. Shuu was never going to stay as he was, if Kaneki hadn’t threw him off course, he would’ve fallen anyway.

Living things need to experience a pain or discomfort to grow back stronger. Winter is a necessary season of life that none are spared. Shuu’s story feels like that - a season cycle.

There’s a lot more I could say about him, his story and what it means to me, but I am rambling and getting all purple prose-y.

Again, I stress that I do still feel dissatisfied by Shuu’s arc in re - he did indeed, ‘deserve better’. Much like myself at 17, I do wish this journey of limerence to a healthy, platonic relationship had been better expanded upon. Shuu questioning Kaneki, experiencing a moment of scorn - I do think of that idea often, just not like I used to. His ‘deserved better’ isn’t the ending, but the progression to it. My problem with Shuu’s writing is post-Tsukiyama extermination arc - so it links into my problem with most of the Tsukiyama Family characters, and Chiehori - there is very little attention given to Shuu post this arc. When there is, it’s good on paper, but this aspect of his arc is not shown consistently strongly enough. We don’t see this sort of ‘journey of self-improvement’. Shuu kind of comes back and he’s just, better. Personally, I think there should have been more nuance to this arc - and I think I thought that back in 2021 too, but I was angry at the wrong thing.

I think Tokyo Ghoul’s flaws often come from the fact that the idea behind it is so huge - there is so much stuff you can do with it. For worldbuilding and character ideas alone. The plot it considers sometimes feels too small to be satisfying for the world it exists in. The characters are so often written too richly, and there are too many of them - this is both a highlight and a hinderence of it. It has too much stuff, implied and not. I do believe a lot of the dissatisfaction I was experiencing with TG in 2021 was because I didn’t quite understand that fact. I think I kind of resented the series, and Ishida, for it. Nowadays, I don’t really care. I’ll just pose my own ideas and write what I would’ve - fanfiction is wonderful in that. Maybe I understood what my issue with TG truly was, finally, or maybe I’m just not 17 anymore.

[sirensplayhouse]

remember when challenge 🥀

this post is for my babies who undoubtedly know the law is real y’all done manifested consciously before but you’re stuck in a hole when it comes to manifesting what you REALLY WANT

ok so let’s get into it i want you to forget about all the different techniques you’ve read about, states, the void, everything

sit back , stand do whatever and think back to when you first learned about the law of assumption. how did you react to learning that you can change you reality in the blink of an eye ? skeptical ? disbelief ? all of the related synonyms ? 99% of us probably scrolled past the post of whatever we were reading and said “yeah right”. but then it lingered in the back of the mind and that “yeah right” slowly transformed into “what if” .

so if you were like me that “what if” got the best of me and i decided to test it i figured what else would i have to lose ? i would only have to gain . so i read up on the law of assumption and got down to the basics, “your assumptions manifest” , “an assumption though false, if persisted in shall become reality” and it sounded too good to be true. so i tested it , there was an outage in our area with our internet (and for all of us who have spectrum y’all know it be blinking from blue to white or will just turn red ? yea) so my modem was just red and so everytime i looked at it i said or thought “it’s blue” i persisted in that assumption for a day and a half. everytime i walked past it and it caught my eye or i caught myself thinking about it, i affirmed that it was blue and that the internet was back working. A DAY AND A HALF (and i say a half because it wasn’t even a full two days before i saw what i wanted to see) and the modem was it’s usual blue color and we were back in action.

so me being me i’m like whaaaaaaaaa- 🤭because there were still reports of the outage in our area but we weren’t experiencing any problems anymore.

so that brings me to this challenge i want you regardless if you’re new to manifesting or continuously over consuming information . to state what you want and everytime you find yourself thinking about your desires affirm that it’s yours or visualize yourself with it. that’s it and that’s all. no you don’t have to consciously believe in what you’re telling yourself that’s what your subconscious is for. when you tell/show yourself what you want and desire and PERSIST your subconscious automatically starts to believe what you show/tell it. and by law it has to materialize into your reality it’s no other way around it.

[yuurivoice]

Just wanted to say that even though I do avoid exploring any tags related to me, I do absolutely recognize and appreciate a ton of you who regularly post awesome art, headcanons, and memes.

A lot of that is thanks to people sharing those fun, awesome things! Reblogs where I end up seeing them on mutuals blogs and stuff helps, so share and gas each other up!

There are people in this community that have been here for years, who have seen this entire corner of the internet shift and grow for better or worse. The OGs who have been around before I ever made this blog know how far the community has come, how much it's stayed the same, and how much it has changed. And I've grown along with it. My aspirations and hopes and creativity has evolved so much from just doing silly little posts as an anime twink to having a full blown web series.

Despite that growth, I am still just a guy trying to tell his stories and make some voices while doing it. I have a small team around me, and without them this would be even more difficult than it already is. We're not corporate, we're independent artists and freelancers and creatives just trying to do cool stuff, and are lucky enough that something worked.

I've failed so much over the course of my life. You see the results of things, and for the most part are incredibly kind and supportive. Thousands upon thousands have appreciated my work in one way or another, and that's a dream come true for me. I never bothered wanting anything more in my life than to share stories with people. I didn't have a bucket list, or many aspirations. I was at a dead end and ready to just give up. That mentality and the time spent going in circles did a lot of damage over time.

But you found me, whether it was 6 years ago or a week ago, and whatever support and vibes you've sent my way have mattered. I won't ever lose sight of that.

I wanted to say that because I know I am not as ingrained into my own community as an active participant and that may make me seem distant, or stuck up, or something. It's not for any sort of disdain or lack of appreciation though, it's just me, and trying to keep my head clear.

You don't get an instruction manual when you're suddenly a niche internet micro celebrity. They don't tell you about scrolling through fan art at 3am and then seeing the nastiest, most mean spirited, bad faith takes about your work you've ever seen. Shit is weird, man. And it's not for me, because I give way too much of a shit about my art, and that's a flaw. My skin has gotten thicker over the years, but what happens on days when your mental health is in the shitter? Weeks where I've been fighting my demons and losing can't afford me the grace to step on a weird internet landmine brought on by the symptoms of being a creative trying and failing and succeeding all at once in a world where everyone on the internet has an opinion they want to shout into the void.

And people can do that! It's my responsibility to look after myself and set those boundaries for my own comfort, not anyone's fault for just doing their thing on the internet, ya know? Once you put yourself out there, you have to accept that people are gonna people. Same irl, shit, I've been a fat kid my whole life, I'm certainly no stranger to people being obscenely rude for no reason other than they like the sound of their own voice.

I just wanted y'all to know that even though we're well beyond the "little internet family" vibes that some creators foster, I'm not up in some ivory tower (ha, said the thing) looking down like a curmudgeon. I am rooting especially hard for all the fellow creatives out there on their own journeys, wanting to share their passion and dreams with the world as well. I want you to win, and succeed, and find fulfillment with whatever drives you to make things.

Guess I was in my feelings a little bit and just wanted to say that I do see many of you and am thankful you've allowed me to play some kind of role in entertaining, comforting, or inspiring you. That means the world to me.

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Fourteen

The storm rages on until Friday and is so bad that it takes six trees down in Fitzwilliam Square. One of them collapses the iron railings around the outside, and when I wake up to calm sunshine on Saturday morning the first thing I hear is workmen repairing it. The news says that a woman was killed inside her car when another tree went down on her out west, and a river in the south east burst its banks and flooded the ground floor of the buildings that face it. 

It’s hard to imagine the chaos that roared through the country mere hours before as I peer through the gossamer curtains in my bedroom, and the sun streams down from a sky so cloudless and blue that it looks like stretched silk. I push the window open, still with beads of rain clinging to the PVC and breathe in the shockingly fresh air, the petrichor smell of the roads, and the hint of sweet spring blossoms just about to burst from the trees along the street. Birds chirp and a bicycle bell rings as a woman with flowers in her wicker basket passes an elderly couple taking a morning stroll along the edge of the park. It’s like nothing ever happened.

I shower and dress quickly, and then, as planned, I head out to get a bus to Clontarf. I don’t usually get up before nine on weekends, but Jude told me, in one of his hasty texts, that he intended to be back in the hospital with Jen by eleven, so an early morning breakfast conversation to iron things out between us will have to do.

I’m nervous to see him, that much is not new, but this time it feels different. And worse. Usually, I feel nervous in the way that a thirteen-year-old girl feels about seeing the boy she fancies after school, but this, this feeling inside me feels less like butterflies and more like plain nausea, seeing as the last time we spoke he refused to look me in the face. Still, today will be different, and I’m certain that we can work out a way to get things back to the way they were before Berlin. Normal. Safe. Easy, without any of our complicated and unresolved feelings getting in the way of our friendship. It’s not too late to go back to the way it used to be, I’m certain of it, and all I’ll have to do is shove down this enormous part of me that begs me to be brave, to take a chance, and get on with whatever conversation we’re about to have.

It takes the bus so long to get across town with all of the fallen branches and obstructions, that by the time my feet touch the pavement again it’s already half past nine. I think to myself that surely an hour is enough for such a conversation as I turn up Vernon Avenue and through the gates of the Turner’s Georgian home. I knock on the door. 

“Yes?” It’s Ivy. She’s tall and gangly now, with limbs that look too long for her and features that look too big in that endearing, awkward teenage way. She was always nine in my head. How is she suddenly this big? How has time just slipped by like that?

“Is your brother in?”

“Yeah.” She says. “He’s in his room you can go on up.”

I head up the stairs, trying to ignore the weird, retroactive feelings I get at the memory of the last time I came thundering down this same staircase with tears in my eyes, and I knock gingerly on the first door on the left. 

“What?” He says from within. I hesitate. “Um. It’s Evie.”

He opens the door. “Evie? What are you doing here?”

“You wanted to meet for breakfast.”

“Yeah, but I messaged you to cancel.”

“You did?”

“On facebook.”

“Oh, God. I’m so sorry, our internet went out in the storm, I haven’t been able to check any of my socials. I shouldn’t have come.”

“It’s alright.” He stands aside and allows me into his room, his childhood room, for the very first time. And it’s plain and barren, and I’m just beginning to wonder why it’s so void of all personality before I realise that he must have taken almost everything he owns with him to Berlin. This is just a blue-painted box with a bed, wardrobe and desk. He has unpacked suitcases open on the floor, one spilling over with t-shirts, which brings me a sense of camaraderie and comfort. He’s messy. 

I perch on the edge of his unmade bed. “Is everything alright? How come you cancelled?”

“There was flooding in Wexford. My dad wants me to go down and check that everything is alright with the house.”

“The beach house?”

“Yeah. Just in case something got damaged in the storm.” He’s moving around jerkily, agitated, grabbing keys and wallet and phone. Rifling through the wardrobe for a waterproof jacket. “I planned to visit Jen this morning, but I suppose this can’t really wait, but I suppose if I make it a quick enough journey I might be back before visiting hours end. Sorry that you came all the way over only for me to be on the way out.”

“Me too, but it’s alright, really. Maybe I can go and get breakfast on my own…?”

“Yeah. Pigeon House is good.” He’s doing his best to avoid looking at me.

“Still, I was really hoping that you and I could talk, you know? I don’t really feel good about putting it off.”

“Okay well if you want to talk about it now I can spare about four minutes before I have to hit the road.”

I chew on my lip. He leans back against his desk with his arms folded, eyebrows raised, waiting for me to say something. He’s so mad at me. Discomfort prickles a path down my spine. “Well we might need more than four minutes, Jude.”

“Another day then.”

I start picking the hangnail on my thumb. “Well, maybe, you know, if you’re not going to be too long at the beach, I could come along and we can talk then?”

“You want to come to the beach. With me.”

“Yeah, I think that I do.”

His sigh is hassled and resigned, and he wrestles his arms into his jacket. “Fine, yeah. If you want to then come. I’m leaving now though.”

I start seriously questioning whether this is a normal thing to want to do. To be trapped for hours with someone who is actively furious with me, hanging around on the beach where we first met, but perhaps it’s the very best place for us to talk, perhaps it’s worth revisiting this place that holds so much cosmic energy again, if not to re-experience some of the magic of it, then at least to sever my connection to it, and put all of those old memories and feelings to bed once and for all. It’ll be like visiting a museum dedicated to the final weeks of my childhood. 

“Okay, I’m ready if you are,” I say.

Beginning // Prev // Next

[northwest-cryptid]

I miss the whimsy of the internet, I feel like when we centralized the internet and it became a capitalistic greed-hole we left behind the whimsy. People talk about how the internet isn't the same anymore and I think there's a ton of contributing factors to that sure. However above all else something I notice is the following:

Complaints about ads.

Everything being too samey and void of personality

And boy do I have news for you, you know where things have a ton of personality, and I don't see any ads what so ever? On people's personal websites.

Yea, those still exist; they're mainly tucked away at the corners of the web now where you can't find them unless you know where to look, or they're unappealing because people don't understand how webrings and the like work.

I understand if you've legitimately been brainrotted by notes, numbers, views, clicks, whatever. However I urge you to at least look into getting your own website, go with the free options for now it doesn't matter. If you don't know how to code, or you don't want to learn something like HTML that's entirely fine too, there's plenty of sites out there that let you design websites for free with no need for coding.

I know people have the potential for it because I see how you all set up those carrd things. Honestly, I'd argue that having you own website does a lot for a person when it comes to mental health. I mean sure it eliminates the need for notes and general interaction since that's not how websites typically work; unless you're going for something where people can leave comments, or maybe you prefer forum type websites. But furthermore in light of removing that need/mechanic of social interaction you're allowing yourself the freedom to genuinely post whatever the hell you want.

Who's going to care? Your "followers"? We don't have followers here, unlike twitter or tumblr or whatever; you don't NEED a website to be social media; it doesn't need to have anything to do with others. You may be wondering why you bother posting then and that's because yea people will visit your website, but it's not inherently a social thing outside of the realm you want it to be.

What I mean is that outside of the odd visitor you know who will likely be stopping by your website and that's where webrings come in, they're little enclosed groups who link to one another on their websites. So if I have a website and my friend has a website I'd likely dedicate a page of my site to my "webring" where I'd include a little button that takes you to my friends site. This way when I hop on the computer and log into the internet (we used to do that back in the day) I can quickly access my friend's site and see what they're posting about.

When you don't gauge a post by it's views or notes or interaction it becomes easier to lose the feeling of a "flop post" or whatever. You post what you want, when you want; because you want to.

Having your own website means you get to subject your visitor to your whole ass personality all in one place, you can blast music on their arrival; you can make their mouse cursor a silly little guy; you can do whatever because it's your website. You can have a whole page dedicated to your favorite blorbos from your shows, who cares no one can stop you this is your website!

I still frequent a few personal websites while I work on my own, I keep my personal website to myself because it's just that, a personal website. However I will say that I find no more whimsy and genuine personality online than I do within those personal websites. People who genuinely enjoy the internet for all that it is, and all that it has to offer are just fun people to explore the internet with.

We used to call it "surfing the web" or "sailing the seas" if you knew how to rate some pies, but man they really sterilized the net to be the most boring version of itself.

[e77y]

relating to that vent, i getchu so bad. i feel like in general, the internet might worsen compulsions & obsession within ocd + etc. i have a similar feeling (wouldnt say identical cause i know u from tumblr n yaknow yaknow) that tells me everything i do needs to be 100% morally correct or [insert awful things] will happen to me or someone i love. and this is easier to deal with when you're offline, because there's a limit on the people that can get mad at you. half of the world won't get mad at you because only 0.00001% (or whatever) of the world knows you, yaknow. on the net, it feels like everyone who has an account knows you. your brain telly you anyone who has an account on here might see what you posted & they might be mad at you & they might make a callout post or whatever. even though they don't know you. which is a terrifying thought for many. i dont think youre alone in this, genuinely. and i feel it can be improved. some stuff that's helped me: - making separate accounts w private stuff (doesnt rly work on tumblr but like a private account on insta & etc etc) - rationalising thoughts (an example of this would be thinking: is it really likely many people will agree with someone being mad at me? or: how many people actually do see my posts? is that proportional to the amount of followers i have) - and talking ab it w friends. genuinely, the communication + processing of these thoughts & feelings is soo helpful. sending u soo much love <3 if u wanna chat a bit ab it you can dm me :) (ask can be published or responded 2 privately, whatever u prefer!)

Thank you so much for this message omg :’) ❤️❤️❤️❤️ So thoughtful. This made me tear up a little haha. I’m posting it here so I can look back at it later; hopefully that’s okay.

I’m really glad to hear other people feel the same way/have the same worry… like logically I know that it’s something a lot of people worry about, but idk; my brain has a way of convincing me I am the only person in the world who has done anything ‘bad’ ever LMAOO. So this was really nice to hear

Also I’m a very talkative person! Like I’m definitely an introvert, but I do like to talk about myself and my interests and my feelings etc. Especially when I have a forum (cough Tumblr) to post into the void 😭😭 So I guess that’s part of my issue; IRL, there are less people to be upset if I do/say something ‘bad’, and most of them are my close friends and know I don’t have bad intentions. But online, I walk on eggshells bc 1) strangers online DON’T know my intentions and 2) I just think my mutuals are really cool lol. So I don’t want to do/say anything ‘bad’ or even embarrassing in their presence yk? And online, their ‘presence’ comprises literally all the time w everything I post

I should probably make a more private account 😅 This one is kind of that (just bc it has far fewer followers than my other blog), and I have one on Instagram with like two people following it that I haven’t touched in a while, sooo maybe I will go back to that for more personal vents and whatnot 🫡 I try not to post anything TOO personal on Tumblr, anyway. I just also really like creating fan content, which sort of inherently puts me in a public space even if I don’t WANT to have an ‘audience’ (regardless of how small that audience is; ik there are people who look up to my writing, and that puts a lot of extra pressure on me, but I don’t want to stop writing, either…. Agh)

Idk this is probably overly personal and also very disjointed bc I just finished writing a 1,800 word essay and my brain is mush lol. I’m just sort of reiterating everything you said. Sorry for making you read all this lmao 😭🙏 But thank you for the kind words, seriously ❤️ I really really appreciate it :’D !!!!!!!

[craske]

I don't want to sound pretentious when i say all this (and this ended up being really long??), but i really do think you don't need to uphold your online presence so consciously, or even at all. There's nothing wrong with being "inactive" because trying to show up for everything is some sick standard social media made up. Maybe it might be difficult to uphold an idgaf personality, but i can say from my experience it could be better to try a little bit at a time. I can say that they really do mean it when you can have quiet admirers, from my experience all the more. Maybe they're too shy to put silly tags when they reblog or just put a like on your post. And I don't think you have to worry too much about sticking to one piece of media and be afraid the people following you won't like you anymore for posting different content. At most, I just believe they won't really care enough to unfollow you or stop engaging entirely. The most important thing to me is that you stick around doing the things you actually want to do, even if you're just showing up every month or so, or black out for a year or more. Because the people who do care will be overjoyed to see you whatever you post or share, especially when you come back after a long time. It really is discouraging when you don't see that actively, maybe because we're so used to seeing numbers that relate to our worth. But i like to imagine we're waving at each other from a distance or smiling through a window, as horrid as online landscapes can be nowadays. I know i'm running my mouth here but i just wanted to share my experience because i um. 🙋 also think youre really cool and awesome and i love whatever work you do and the fact you share it is an amazing thing enough i feel privelaged and youre humor is funny and whatever new stuff you post is just introducing me to things i'll also think is cool down the line and i really do wish i can share my appericiation more and evolve from being a quiet admirer /inhales/ 👍 i would say this is a sort of love letter from the gas station but i also mean it as kai 👋 i hope you're doing well in uni or that it gets better soon or in whatever it is youre doing now. and whether or not youre online, i hope youre doing the things you enjoy 🫶

okay i needed some time to figure out how to respond to this ask because theres a lot (in a /pos way dont worry) so ill start off with saying that i really really and i do mean it Really appreciate what you said here. Especially lately, ive been struggling with being active online outside of small spaces where there are just me and a few other people. might be me feeling overwhelmed when i say something into the void with a high chance of no response, though i wont fault anyone for that. i myself know interaction is scary so i do get it. ever since i started using the internet ive stuck to my small online bubbles so yeah interaction kind of intimidating online

and though i agree it does feel discouraging to sometimes see no feedback or much of a reaction, i try not to be bummed out about it myself because im also a silent admirer of many artists online. so like ive said before i do understand that sometimes people are shy and dont interact directly and theres no pressure really to change that. just the idea that there are people that like what i make is really nice, even though i suffer from the same issue that maaany other artists have and i need to actively remind myself of that.

about sticking to one fandom its a very recent but big issue to me because ive been DEEP in the persona pit for like 4 years, and i certainly built an audience around that. i know there will always be people that stick around no matter what but despite that theres always that nagging feeling that maaybe things will crumble. obviously thats not true but human mind fucking SUCKS

as the final note ill say it again that your message means a lot to me and i thank you a lot for it <333 im soo flattered by your words and they made my past two days, thank you soo much

[venusvxen]

okay so i got like moderately high yesterday n literally felt like i lost my mind n was questioning the validity and f the law bc i felt like everything that i was thinking about was fake…

i felt like my mind was alive n what i mean by that is that it kept going on and on and on and on and onnnnn and i felt like none of those thoughts were mine but instead a being talking through me and wanting to talk to me… and i kept doubting if this was even the case or a hallucination n my mind making it up but then i clocked that for me to doubt that that’s even possible is to turn my back on all the hard work i’ve done to reach this point w the law

anyway i rlly have a new way at looking at god playing as human now.. one of the main things that struck me and kept going through my mind was neville’s saying of “god dreamt to become man so that man could dream to become god”… i felt like i was waking up? hence why my mind felt alive bc i felt like it was the being itself talking to me and i was listening as opposed to in the past where i would try to get in the state of beinf that being… does that make sense

while in that state i was hyper aware that the body i was in was not mine…. it was sooo weird… because i wasn’t myself.. or at least the self that’s typing this.. i was the being within.. which is why i felt so uncomfortable in my body for a bit because it was like me clocking that… that’s just A Form i’ve taken?? whatever i’ll elaborate on that more later.. but i’ve had so many diff epiphanies while in this state of being pure consciousness.. it wasn’t the void at all even tho at times all i saw was darkness but i wouldn’t say it was the void it was just me hyper aware of my true self and my material body n the material world not getting in the way of that.

a part of me want to chalk this experience up to delusion so bad but i’m literally on this side of the internet and the strides i’ve taken with reading neville and falling and getting back up is quite literally so i could get to this point and have these weird awakenings.

one of the main things that struck me during that state is how if we are awareness and nothing but awareness then everything and i mean everything that we’re aware of is real and comes to fruition. this means that even your most invasive intrusive thoughts r real in a way but you write them off as not real which is why they materialize. furthermore as pure consciousness we are wandering to multiple diff realities multiple times a day by imagining diff things. we are god in imagination…. it struck me while in that state that human values mean nothing to this being within.. which is why we attach human states and human ideals to our i am.. i’m not explaining this the best i’ll probably do a wholeeee other post about this… but if we were constantly in the state of just being god and experiencing whatever and never came down from that we would prob hurt other ppl because god isn’t bound to human morals… the concept of god and bad only exists when you re enter the state of being.. human and even then the state of being _____ because that’s why some people are “good” while others are “bad”… that DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL GODOSODKS ILL MAKE A WHOLE POST ON ITJEKSKD

but it basically made me think that that’s why it’s so important to not essentially shoo off our human self when we’re in these communities and not think of it as trivial.. it’s there to ground us and make sure we’re not like a untamed wildfire….

but another thing that kept striking me was why am i even in this form in the first place? and the answer i kept getting was that god dreamt to become man so that man could dream to be god ..

essentially meaning that in our human forms we each have different goals and aspirations in this form and goals and aspirations is the part of the human experience i mean think about it.. god doesn’t have any real.. goals.. he can just snap his fingers and be whoever he wants to be.. so in order to get the true Human Experience we have goals we work towards.. which is why some of you may want different things from me… we all have things we desire at our core and higher and higher versions of ourselves we should a strive to be which is why none of us may want the same things at our CORE… it makes our experiences unique.

but at the end of the day.. when we actualize all of this we’ll ask ourselves.. what next? WHICH I THINK EDWARD ART REFWRFED TO… after you achieve all your goals and make all that money you’ll ask yourself.. what next… and that’s when you start looking up.. not to more material possessions because you’ve attained them all but towards your real self.. bc it’s almost like you as god have achieved everything in your human form and you’ve cleared this level almost.. you came down here to experience this and put yourself in this state and felt what man feels and you had a good time but now it’s time to come back home and that’s when man awakes and realizes he’s god and goes forward from that..

i feel like my mind is a bit broken.. i hope some of this made some sense and i hope y’all gain some wisdom from this.. i have to clock in for work now i’m 4 mins late cus i typed this but i rlly feel like I Get It now… idk