kadolade

[kadolade]

What’s With The Quotes?: A Highschooler’s Ninth Rant

”For what? For what? For what it's worth If it was going to kill you boy, it would have by now For what? For what? For what it's worth There's no more looking back, it's looking up or looking down”

— BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA by Will Wood

Okay, so I thought I’d explain now why I have the whole “song quote then rant” thing going on before the void asked why that was.

So, in my IBT class we had quotes given to us every single day, and in a Microsoft Word document, we’d just write about our day and how we relate to the quote and whatnot. I found the quote thing nice looking and also made it easier to write out how I was feeling, because I had something to go off of.

Now, with these song lyrics I put, it’s not for me to have something to write, I write then add the quote from a song. The quote will usually have something to do with the rant, but it’s mainly there to share my music taste (as well as to give a heads up of roughly what’s going on, if you look real deep into the song’s meaning like I do.) and because I think it looks nice.

Who doesn’t like a cool little song quote before their daily rant sesh?

[kadolade]

Opening My Stupid Mouth: A Highschooler’s Eighth Rant

”'Cause I still believe in miracles, I swear I've seen a few And the time will surely come when you can see my point of view I believe in second chances And that's why I believe in you”

— Pollyanna (I Believe In You) by Catherine Warwick

So, there is stuff I have to tell Ciel. There’s always more issues surrounding me and my relationship with Ciel. I used to trust her more than anyone in my entire life, but now I don’t.

I’ve kind of spent my entire life building up walls around myself, to protect myself and subsequently the people I care about. I’ve never really opened up before, and I tend to hide behind jokes and comedy rather than open the gates of all my repressed feelings and emotions. Because the first time I let down my guard a tiny bit, I was hurt. I was hurt, Felix was hurt. And after I, really, I swore to never let my guard down like that again. I wouldn’t trust anyone ever again, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to open my heart up to someone.

And after that, Ciel came around. And after having gone through all… of that, I didn't trust Ciel one bit. I was cold and hardened by my experiences, I wanted to be the protector, I wanted to be strong. I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling small and vulnerable and I hate it I hate it i hate it i hate it.

So I was a dick to Ciel at the start, I was mean and uninterested and I hated her. But then we actually *talked*, and I saw who she really was. Ciel, she’s… she’s wonderful.

Though, I was still guarded. Felix and Lonnie are the only people in the world I trust fully. Lonnie and Felix are the only people I really care about. And you (void) may be going “but Dave if you’re so concerned about vulnerability and shit, why are you ranting about your feelings on the internet?”

And the answer is fuck you that’s why

Anyway, I don’t like talking about my issues and stuff, like sorting it out and analyzing what the root cause is, or what’s even wrong with me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of repressed trauma but PFFFT!! DON’T WE ALL??!!

I want to tell Ciel about how I feel uncomfortable with her, I have to tell her. She deserves to know. I have to tell her that I want to change my name, I have to tell her I crave her attention and I feel neglected, I have to tell her I struggle to say “I love you” sometimes, I have to tell her that this time of year is when I’m the worst mentally. I have to tell her that even though she’s snapped at me before when I get tired and can’t talk properly, I still love her. I probably come off as uncaring or just distant, but that’s not what’s going on.

She wants me to talk to her, but I don’t think she really understands how scary that is for me. I’ve grown up differently than her. I’m semi-sheltered, I’m probably getting emotionally abused but whatever, I’m not allowed to express my thoughts and feelings properly, my parents are fucking transphobic. Everything I am, they are against. I can’t talk. I don’t feel safe.

I need constant reassurance, I need constant attention, I need constant guidance and comfort. I’m not talking “oh you’re so pretty ahahahahha love you!!” That can be nice, I suppose, but it’s not what I want?

You just have to listen to me when I talk about the shit I like, make me not feel like a loser for wasting your time, but please actually have something to say back.

I need to hear that I’m doing good, that I’m doing this whole relationship thing right, I need to be reassured that I’m not a bad boyfriend, that I’m doing a good job, as lame as it sounds.

I need to be told what to do every once in a while, I’ve been following strict rules my entire life, sometimes I feel uncomfortable by the amount of freedom I have with you. But of course that’s weird, isn’t it? I used to feel comfortable enough to tell you this, Ciel, but now I’m scared of the backlash I’ll face.

Ciel, I’m sorry I yelled at you, and I’m sorry I told you I was uncomfortable with you and that you made me anxious and scared. But I’m not sorry for telling the truth. You wanted to hear it, so I just said it. Not everything, but I said the bare minimum and you ran. You fucking ran. And now I feel like a piece of shit.

I’m sorry that sometimes I just need some time to myself, that I’m emotionally unavailable sometimes, that I get closed off and quiet. I’m sorry that sometimes I just really need you proverbially to cup my cheek and tell me I’m doing right, that I’m getting better and better and that you’re fucking proud of me for my progress..

..instead of leaving me on read when I finally confess what’s been on my mind.

I know you’ll never see this, and if you do: err, hi.

Just

I know shit’s tough being with me, love, but I promise I get better in the end. Or at least I try to. I know sometimes I seem like I hate you or something, and sometimes you not seeing my point of view on stuff annoys me and makes me feel despaired, but I believe in you.

I believe in us.

[kadolade]

5 Facts About Rin Tohsaka - Fate Stay Night/Fate Stay Night Unlimited Blade works/Fate Zero

😎🤙 you should definitely watch this video 🥔🥔🥔 -Indian potato's

Why if it isn’t my great friend from Gym class!!

how the fuck did you find me

[kadolade]

”You’re not special.”: A Highschooler’s Seventh Rant

”Wanna wake you up and strip away your pride Push you to the front, then kick you to the side If I'm being blunt, I wanna see you cry I wanna see you cry, I wanna see you cry I'm sick of being nice, I wanna feel alive I'm sick of being nice, I'm sick of being nice”

— SICK OF BEING NICE by NOAHFINNCE

Something that REALLY FUCKING ANNOYS ME. Something that REALLY JUST GETS MY GOAT, REALLY STRANGLES MY POOR MOTHERFUCKING GOAT.

Is when something you know gets popular, and you calmly state that you knew about it before it was popular, and someone goes “you’re not special for that.”

Babe. Babe, baby, listen.

I didn’t fucking ask. Did I *ask* for you to respond that way to my statement? I knew about ID before Enemy blew up and before Bones got popular, that’s just a fact, hon. But when I *said* that, I wasn’t looking for you to take that as a silent request to tell me that I’m not special. If I wanted to be pointlessly degraded, I’d just talk to my dad about literally ANYTHING academically relevant.

I swear to god these bitches really are *waiting* for me to say I knew something before its popularity just so they can tell me I’m not special. I didn’t bring that up looking for any sort of response, I wasn’t hoping to be called special for that. It’s like if I were to walk into class and my teacher tells us we have a test and I’m like “oh I didn’t know that” and some Melvin says “yeah, I knew, though” like I’m not going to tell him he ain’t special. Good on you for looking ahead, Mel, but I don’t care. Don’t have to hit him with the “you’re not special” because he didn’t ask me to tell him that dude.

It’s genuinely one of the most annoying things ever, because I swear they get a kick out of it. Yesterday I was talking to Ciel, and she was showing me memes and stuff and I said that there was a song from one of them I knew before it was popular, but I had a reason for doing that. It’s not like I fucking walk around going “oh I knew about that before it was popular” because *that* would be asking to be called not special. But I was saying that, to fade into talking about how I never really liked the song until it got more popular, and I was like”yeah, this isn’t as bad as I previously thought!”

But Ciel’s already loaded her fucking gun, so I just took the fucking “you’re not special” bullet. Already, that was annoying, but then her tone of voice that went with it….boy. Boy, boy. If it was a verbal conversation I would’ve actually thrown something at her.

I have this really big thing with tone of voice, and one tiny change in your tone will actually drive me up the wall. Because when you’re all “ermm…you’re not special for knowing that…” YOU’RE NOT FUCKING SPECIAL FOR SAYING I’M NOT SPECIAL. THAT’S A QUOTE ALL YOU DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKERS JUST LOOOOOVE TO SAY. YOU JUST GET WET OVER CALLING PEOPLE NOT SPECIAL, WHEN WE DIDN’T FUCKING ASK, HUH?

“Yeah, I knew about that song before it was popular.”

“Dave, you’re not special for knowing that…”

I HOPE. I HOOOOPE THAT YOU HAVE THE *BEST* DAY OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, I HOPE YOU WIN THE FUCKING LOTERY, THEN GET HIT BY A SEMI-TRUCK.

Anyway, people are assholes and sometimes the only solution is violence.

In minecraft.

[kadolade]

Why didn’t I save?: A Highschooler’s Sixth rant

”What if I told you that the world was gonna end And you had 15 minutes to spend with me or your friends? Would you take the first bus over to my house Or would you take the last plane over the west coast?”

— Fifteen Minutes by Mike Krol

So, I write fanfiction on AO3 (mostly Homestuck, but some of it is Danganronpa). And I usually write for GamTav (my favorite ship) but today I decided to branch out and write about EriSol, and I was really proud of my work and I thought I was doing pretty good with writing Eridan!

Now usually I write all my stuff in the notes app then copy and paste it over to AO3 and fix it up in any way needed. But I decided why not with the new ship do something new and write it *in* AO3? So, I did that. And I completely forgot to save it.

So, I go back a little later to keep working on it (and shit was nearing 4,000+ words, I was serious with it), but the whole thing was deleted because it was unsaved. So, I lost all that progress and work.

Writing means a lot to me, even if it’s a simple fanfiction, so I’m really disheartened by this. The one time I decide not to write in the notes app is the one time I don’t consciously click “save”. And I mean when copy and pasting it, it’s not smooth, I have to save it and wait a little then go back. So I know I have to save shit, but just..why did I neglect to do that this time?

I’m genuinely saddened by this. And my Karkat plushie came in the mail today, too, school’s out, I was having a great day, I was super proud of my writing instead of insecure for once. And I didn’t fucking save it.

[kadolade]

IT’S OVER!!!: A Highschooler’s Fifth Rant

”And so this is Christmas (War is over) For weak and for strong (If you want it) The rich and the poor ones (War is over) The road is so long (Now) And so happy Christmas (War is over) For black and for white (If you want it) For yellow and red ones (War is over) Let's stop all the fight (Now)”

— Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon & Yoko Ono

School’s out, life’s great.

I’ve had finals everyday of this week, and it’s been very tiring. We were supposed to have Monday and Tuesday (and I think Wednesday) as review days, and all finals would take place Thursday and Friday. BUT. My school’s football team apparently isn’t half bad, and made it to the championship game or whatever, and those fucking Americans NEED their football, so the exams got moved around, and we lost those days of review. Let’s just say I spent all weekend and my week before studying biology, math, and PE.

So, that sucked, but we’ve had early release and that’s heavenly. I got 90 on my PE exam, and I finished it in like 15 or so minutes, so for the rest of the day I just got to yap about Danganronpa to my friends. The exam was at 9:30, so that when school started at 7:10 we’d just spend the time in our homeroom class (basically). Because of the game, people were going to need to sleep in so the school moved exam times and shit, meaning I also got to sleep in even though I didn’t go to that stupid game. So, exams over, I don’t have to go to school on Friday, life is full of miracles, and I love myself and don’t want to die.

I’m honestly so happy this semester is over because I *hated* my IBT class, and I can drop it and start something useful I’d actually *like* to do next semester, which hopefully will be computer science. I’m writing this on the bus again while waiting for AO3 to load (yeah, I’m the kid reading Danganronpa, Homestuck, and Lego Ninjago fanfics).

FREEDOM FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[kadolade]

You Only Need One Letter: A Highschooler’s Fourth Rant

”You make me wanna die I'll never be good enough You make me wanna die And everything you love will burn up in the light And every time I look inside your eyes You make me wanna die”

— Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless

Whenever I’m talking to someone over text, and they draw out the letters or whatever like “heyyy” or “okayyyy” I have some mean things to say.

I was just texting a friend of mine, and motherfucker said “niceeee”. I absolutely hate it when people do this, and maybe it’s just me reading this shit wrong, but I see it as they’ve got the boredom. Conversation isn’t interesting enough, gotta drag out letters now. Is it to not seem dry when you want out? You add a few letters so shit’s fine and dandy.

It seems *more* dry since you put in effort to make it *not* seem dry. Like, come the fuck on, “niceeee”????? You didn’t even try!! That looks like you’re bored as shit with me.

Sorry I can’t be entertaining enough, and you’ve gotta fake-liven up this little interaction. Because these motherfuckers go “okayyy” and if I don’t respond, I ain’t hearing from them for the rest of the night if not MONTH. Dry as hell. This is sahara desert type dry. Someone pleas get my buddy some water, let’s find a fucking oasis in this bitch. Bro’s drier than a slug in salt I’m swearing and it’s to god. Dude needs water— fuck it, dude needs some MILK. GET SOME CALCIUM IN MY GUY. CALL THE DOCTOR, HE NEEDS 44 CC’S OF FUCKING CAL-TO-THE-CIUM, HE’S DYIN’, OH LORD HE’S DYIN.

Here lies Ciel

died from lack of pizzaz and ritz and glamor in our conversation

1362-2024

[kadolade]

The Biggest Asshole Ever: A Highschooler’s Third Rant

”Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much 'Cause we hate what you do And we hate your whole crew So, please don't stay in touch”

— Fuck You by Lily Allen

My IBT exam was today, it was easy as fuck and I got a 98% on it, raw score. Today we had early release, so we’re leaving this shithole early, if that didn’t seem obvious by the name.

Now, I only had two classes today because of the exams and that was IBT and ELA. IBT was fine, and I took a fine ASS nap. ELA is where it got bad. And..yeah, my ELA teach is the Biggest Asshole Ever.

I also had the weirdest fucking dream in IBT, it felt so real at the start then spiraled. Weirdest part was that I was walking around the school as if IBT *actually* ended and I was going to ELA, but the stairs and hallways looked a little off. Oh, and I was walking with my friend w’re calling Marie. Marie also gave me this gross ass dinosaur gummy that looked kind of like those fucking stupid mochi squishies that my sister has a whole box of. And I stole the pink spider one and she blew a gasket, I’m talking did an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle even though she has 49 others, and this spider doesn’t contain the secrets of the universe. I can promise you if I were to cut this thing open, I’d find more fake gelatin or whatever is in those things and not the fucking U.S. trade secrets. Maybe I should tear the thing just to be sure, though, I mean she *did* fight tooth and motherfucking nail for this thing. All the teeth and all the nails.

In a vulgar display of strength to want to protect those fuckin trade secrets. Would’ve thought she was literally a secret agent.

So anyway, ELA sucked so much dick.

We go in, sit down, and my bitch ass teacher, Mrs. Bitchass, tells us to put our electronics on her chair and turn our desks facing the wall to the right. The desks face the front of the room where the whiteboard is, but every time we have a test/quiz, Mrs. Bitchass makes us turn our desks. WHY. I *know* it’s because she wants to see our screens but the school has an illegal screen watcher just fucking use it, I don’t care, stop making me turn my desk. What’s worse is at the end of class, she makes us turn our desks BACK AROUND. Which, hey, will inconvenience the class after us who ALSO has a test/quiz.

Anyway, so after we finished the exam, I like to take a little nap the I wake up and check to see what grade I got. But!! But but but! Mrs. Bitchass tells us we can’t open our chromebooks until the exam period is over, and we leave her class. In every other fucking class, the teach’s all tell us that we can play on our chromebooks or whatever when everyone’s submitted their test. But, Mrs. Bitchass said we can’t get on our chromebooks.

Everyone is done with the exam, I wanna check my fucking grades, and there ARE FORTY FIVE MINUTES LEFT. So Mrs. Bitchass wants us to sit here in silence for 45 minutes. Unable to check and see what I got on that stupid exam. I’m writing this on the bus, by the way, had to rant IMMEDIATELY. Eventually, Mrs. Bitchass turns on fuckin PAW PATROL out of everything.

And I used to watch Paw Patrol all the time, but I didn’t know about the changes they made. There’s a hispanic dog now? His name is Tracker? He’s fucking adorable??

Also, the girls in my class were complaining about how Rubble is “a fatass” and he’s like a stereotype or something???? Stupid idiot girls being stupid idiots. But like… Rubble is a dog. He’s a BULLDOG. He’s not *fat*, fuckasses, that’s what the fucking BREED OF DOG *LOOKS* LIKE. I swear we, as a species, get dumber and dumber as we go on.

[kadolade]

Delusionia: A Highschooler’s Second Rant (Completely Delusional Edition)

”Say goodbye to the Stranger on the other side Say hello to the Bliss of a Disembodied mind”

— Disembodied Mind by Stephan Nance

Delusionia, like.. Delusion-Mania? I *have* been called a wordsmith (for completely different and much smarter reasons).

I wouldn’t say I’m a particularly mentally stable person. I wouldn’t say I’m the brightest either (that’s a lie, ten points if you caught that one).

I’m trans, and my friends are super supportive of that, which is amazing! Felix and I have been besties (mOiRaIlS) for nearly 10-ish years. I love Felix, he’s literally my brother. He’s always been there for me, and if there’s someone I can trust most in the entire world, it’s Felix *OR* my other best friend for about three years and secondary MoIrAiL, who we’ll be addressing as Lonnie. Lonnie and I met at an animation camp three-ish years ago, and she’s PRACTICALLY my big sister. I can also trust her with everything and anything in the world!

But there’s some shit I’m scared to talk to them about. (Don’t get me started on telling Ciel shit. I love her, I really do, but I really don’t know if I can be as honest with her as I used to be. I recoil at how foolishly open I was with her. Having a mask up is so much safer, less trouble when she decides she’s had her fill with me.)

For instance, I’ve change my preferred name several times. At first, Lonnie jokingly called me the male version of my deadname, and I kind of rolled with it? But it ended up not feeling too right. So, I changed it again, but some people were kind of annoyed by that. Then I changed it *again* and they were okay(??) with it, sort of??? It was a lot smoother. And I’ve been using this name for months, like this entire year. I’m scared if I say I want to change again, people will get annoyed.

Probably even more annoyed if they knew what I wanted to change it too.

Maybe Felix and Lonnie wouldn’t be too pressed about it, after all, they’re basically my found family. Ciel and Jacob though…. I’m not sure.

I know tons of transmasc people who just so happen to be Homestucks change their name to Dave/David..and I might be hopping aboard that specific train?

As if I couldn’t get cringier: I have kins. I kin fucking GAMZEE MAKARA. In fact, Ciel and I’s nicknames for each other are “Gamzee” and “Tavros”, it’s something that’s just ours. It’s really special to me. (Ciel is really special to me)

I’m just not too sure what all to do? Tomorrow is my IBT and ELA exams, I think…I think. Jeez.

I’m sure if I talked to Felix about it, he’ll help me feel better. If I talked to Lonnie about it, I think it’d be received well enough. She’s trans too, I look up to her so much. Her name is based a little off of a character she likes from a webtoon. I’m sure she’d make me feel better too, maybe help me sort my feelings out. I’m the eldest child in my family and my parents are dicks. So, yeah, Lonnie’s kind of my inspiration for…. a lot of stuff.

I admire Lonnie so much, guys, she’s so cool and amazing. I love my big sister. <3

Anyway, I fear if I told Jacob or god forbid Ciel find out about any of this shit, they’d probably bully me or be awkward about it. I don’t know how to read Ciel nowadays. She’s usually an awkward person, but it feels worse? Less manageable? Sometimes in our shared choir class, I wish I could like stop time or something and just hold her and everything would be fine.

I wish I could be less insecure, and things were totally okay.

..I wish I was a cisgender boy named Dave.

[kadolade]

Our mutual friend Jacob (not his real name) is even more loud and obnoxious in the halls than I am, and she’s got no fucking problem with him. And I hate it when we’re at lunch and she has her headphones on. She’s listening to her music or whatever, even if she’s paused it, I just want her to fucking take her headphones off. I read that as her not caring enough to give me or Felix her full attention, like we’re second choices of entertainment to her phone/music.

Maybe I’m just an attention whore, and have some jealousy issues, but I fucking hate those headphones.

Shouting Into The Void: A Highschooler’s First Rant

“Could you tell me how I'm right for you Baby, could you play along with me Baby, would that be alright with you And when we find out what's wrong with me Could you tell me how could you tell me how And if I'm still pretty”

— …well, better than the alternative by Will Wood

It can’t just be me who sees Tumblr as a sort of desolate place for some users. For me, it will serve a purpose as a void to shout my inner thoughts into. Of course, I’m not going into too much detail, it’s an online platform and I am one for safety.

I’ve tried diaries, I’ve tried recording myself talk, but it never seems to become a steady thing. Nor do I ever like seeing the clutter. So, I’m turning to ranting to the internet, after all, nobody listens to me. Regardless of being online or not, I tend to go a tad unnoticed. I like that sometimes, but I also crave the attention from others.

Anyway, Tumblr, Blogger, SpaceHey, online platforms are my void I can shout into, and sometimes they shout back! I might chance this blog’s name, but I’m not sure…

There are a lot of things I am unsure of.

I did my math and choir final exams today. Yesterday I did my biology one. My grades respectively were 93, (I forgot/don’t care), and 92. Raw scores. My county does this dumbass thing where if you got, say, a 70%, and that’s quite literally *what you got*, that is your *raw score*. Your *curved score* is how your grade is raised, this factor I am not sure about how it works. I needn’t to explain any of this, but, hello, The Void doesn’t know about it. And hey, a motherfucker wants to complain.

The curved stuff is nice and all…when it benefits me. On my midterm for biology, I had just transferred to this new school and I hadn’t been taking biology at my old school, so I had about ~10 days to prepare. I got a 70 on the midterm, and the curve score raised it to a 90. Obviously, this benefited my grade. So, I was happy for it! But now that I’m doing great in my classes (of course I am—I’m probably smarter than everyone in there), all these people with 60’s are getting their grades curved to 80’s and shit, while I go from a 92 to a 93. Am I being narcissistic and arrogant? Yes. This isn’t an: “AITA for bluh bluh bluh” whatever, it’s me shouting into. the. mother. fuckin. void.

My lunch period was sucky. I sit with my friends Felix and Ciel (not their real names but we like safety), and jegus.

Lunch is so hard, because I sort of feel like I’m walking on eggshells around Ciel. We had a bit of a minor falling out??? Can I even describe it as that? Whatever, shit was going on between us and we fixed it all up, but I still feel so guilty and shit. It’s hard to explain. Basically, Ciel likes Hermitcraft and shit, and she’s in colorguard, but for a while all she ever fucking talked about was colorguard, and I genuinely got fed up. But then again, I might just be an asshole for getting upset about that. I still listen to her talk, because I really like her, but sometimes it’s tough as nails. Like I’ll listen to her and all, and engage the best I can, but sometimes *I* want to talk. Sometimes I want to get my turn to talk about the stuff I like. She didn’t like how I was kind of unenthusiastic when she talked about colorguard and such, but she does the same thing!

Here I am, finally getting my turn to talk about Homestuck or something, and she brushes right past with something else or she’s on her phone. I really have no problems with Felix for the most part. God, Ciel gets on my nerves.

And I feel bad because I really like Ciel, but c’mon girl! When we walk from lunch to class, Ciel seems like she’s speeding up to get away from Felix and I. And when I notice that, I just want to grab her and figure out why the fuck she wants nothing to do with us. But other times I want to fucking push her and tell her that if she wants to get away that desperately just fucking tell me and run. Am I embarrassing to be around in the halls? Yeah, I’m kind of loud and obnoxious sometimes, but why should that shit even matter?

Maybe I’m a hypocrite and I do shit I don’t even realize. But it just sucks real bad. There are so many times when it’s all great being around her, and others when she just seems so uncaring and like she wants away from me. I thought we settled everything, and it’d all be sunshine lollipops and rainbows, and we could hold hands again and talk like normal, but I feel so confined. Am I allowed to talk about Homestuck anymore? Will she get fed up if I talk about Danganronpa and fanficiton?

Would she hate me if I told her to give me more attention every once in a while?

[kadolade]

Shouting Into The Void: A Highschooler’s First Rant

“Could you tell me how I'm right for you Baby, could you play along with me Baby, would that be alright with you And when we find out what's wrong with me Could you tell me how could you tell me how And if I'm still pretty”

— …well, better than the alternative by Will Wood

It can’t just be me who sees Tumblr as a sort of desolate place for some users. For me, it will serve a purpose as a void to shout my inner thoughts into. Of course, I’m not going into too much detail, it’s an online platform and I am one for safety.

I’ve tried diaries, I’ve tried recording myself talk, but it never seems to become a steady thing. Nor do I ever like seeing the clutter. So, I’m turning to ranting to the internet, after all, nobody listens to me. Regardless of being online or not, I tend to go a tad unnoticed. I like that sometimes, but I also crave the attention from others.

Anyway, Tumblr, Blogger, SpaceHey, online platforms are my void I can shout into, and sometimes they shout back! I might chance this blog’s name, but I’m not sure…

There are a lot of things I am unsure of.

I did my math and choir final exams today. Yesterday I did my biology one. My grades respectively were 93, (I forgot/don’t care), and 92. Raw scores. My county does this dumbass thing where if you got, say, a 70%, and that’s quite literally *what you got*, that is your *raw score*. Your *curved score* is how your grade is raised, this factor I am not sure about how it works. I needn’t to explain any of this, but, hello, The Void doesn’t know about it. And hey, a motherfucker wants to complain.

The curved stuff is nice and all…when it benefits me. On my midterm for biology, I had just transferred to this new school and I hadn’t been taking biology at my old school, so I had about ~10 days to prepare. I got a 70 on the midterm, and the curve score raised it to a 90. Obviously, this benefited my grade. So, I was happy for it! But now that I’m doing great in my classes (of course I am—I’m probably smarter than everyone in there), all these people with 60’s are getting their grades curved to 80’s and shit, while I go from a 92 to a 93. Am I being narcissistic and arrogant? Yes. This isn’t an: “AITA for bluh bluh bluh” whatever, it’s me shouting into. the. mother. fuckin. void.

My lunch period was sucky. I sit with my friends Felix and Ciel (not their real names but we like safety), and jegus.

Lunch is so hard, because I sort of feel like I’m walking on eggshells around Ciel. We had a bit of a minor falling out??? Can I even describe it as that? Whatever, shit was going on between us and we fixed it all up, but I still feel so guilty and shit. It’s hard to explain. Basically, Ciel likes Hermitcraft and shit, and she’s in colorguard, but for a while all she ever fucking talked about was colorguard, and I genuinely got fed up. But then again, I might just be an asshole for getting upset about that. I still listen to her talk, because I really like her, but sometimes it’s tough as nails. Like I’ll listen to her and all, and engage the best I can, but sometimes *I* want to talk. Sometimes I want to get my turn to talk about the stuff I like. She didn’t like how I was kind of unenthusiastic when she talked about colorguard and such, but she does the same thing!

Here I am, finally getting my turn to talk about Homestuck or something, and she brushes right past with something else or she’s on her phone. I really have no problems with Felix for the most part. God, Ciel gets on my nerves.

And I feel bad because I really like Ciel, but c’mon girl! When we walk from lunch to class, Ciel seems like she’s speeding up to get away from Felix and I. And when I notice that, I just want to grab her and figure out why the fuck she wants nothing to do with us. But other times I want to fucking push her and tell her that if she wants to get away that desperately just fucking tell me and run. Am I embarrassing to be around in the halls? Yeah, I’m kind of loud and obnoxious sometimes, but why should that shit even matter?

Maybe I’m a hypocrite and I do shit I don’t even realize. But it just sucks real bad. There are so many times when it’s all great being around her, and others when she just seems so uncaring and like she wants away from me. I thought we settled everything, and it’d all be sunshine lollipops and rainbows, and we could hold hands again and talk like normal, but I feel so confined. Am I allowed to talk about Homestuck anymore? Will she get fed up if I talk about Danganronpa and fanficiton?

Would she hate me if I told her to give me more attention every once in a while?