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buckybabesonly · 2 years ago

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As If It Was Really That Easy

Summary: There's nothing more painful than wondering what your love could have been.

Pairing: Bucky x Female!Avenger!reader, Bucky x Natasha, Steve x Female!reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Emotional infidelity (if you squint), love triangle. Sad ending - proceed with caution.

Word count: 8.2k

Being in love with someone who was already taken must have been a torture created by the Devil himself.

You hadn't planned on falling for him when you first met him. Then again, no one plans on falling in love. You thought that love was simultaneously the most beautiful and cruel phenomenon of all - it was capable of making you feel like you wanted to protect and care for him with all your heart, but also bring out the ugliest of emotions: jealousy, sorrow and misery, to name a few.

You thought you would get over it, eventually. And it had become easier, seeing Bucky and Natasha together, as time passed. A consolation for your unreciprocated love was the fact that you had found a new, adopted family within the Avengers, and that made you happier than ever.

You would do anything for them, to protect them. You fiercely reminded yourself of this whenever you found yourself looking at Bucky a little too long, or when your skin burned at his touches.

He's just the same as everyone else.

You teetered at the precipice of falling into an abyss that you wouldn’t be able to climb out of, feeling so frustratingly infatuated with someone you couldn’t have, and you were determined not to let yourself topple over the edge.

You didn't know how your platonic feelings for him had spiraled into something so much more, but if you could fall in love, you were certain you could fall back out.

Steve insisted on celebrating your one year 'anniversary' of joining the team, gifting you a small cupcake with red, white and blue sprinkles, ruffling your hair with a playful wink. You had no idea how time had elapsed so quickly, but there you were.

It was the start of a new calendar year, too - as you blew out the tiny candle Steve had stabbed into the cake, you promised yourself resolutely that this would be the year you would really made an effort to get over a certain, ruggedly handsome brunette. You didn't want to spend more time unhealthily pining over a man when you could find somebody who actually loved you, too.

Fantasizing about him was an unhealthy, self-inflicted torture. You were confident that he had no idea what your true feelings were, and you would never dream of telling him. You adored Natasha as much as anyone else, and the idea of stepping in-between the two of them was unfathomable.

However, your feelings for Bucky had no doubt wedged an invisible wall between yourself and Natasha, even if you didn't realize it. It meant that you were never quite able to be fully open with her, fearful that if she was able to read you like she was with everyone else, she would know that you were completely enamored with her boyfriend.

It was slightly hard to disguise your affection when you saw Bucky get hurt. To Natasha, it was a regular, everyday occurrence, unworthy of particular fuss - but when you saw him, you wanted so badly to ask him if he was okay.

Today was one of those days. You and Steve were in one of the common rooms - you had been spending a lot of alone time with him lately - when Bucky and Sam traipsed in.

"Hey," you said in greeting, raising your hand. Your eyes followed Bucky closely, noticing that he had a fresh wound on the bridge of his nose. You gnawed on your lower lip in discomfort.

Not your place, you reminded yourself brusquely. Stop staring.

“You guys okay?” he asked as he walked over, clasping a hand on yours and Steve’s backs simultaneously. He was in good spirits despite his slightly battered features, a charming smile playing on his lips.

“All good,” Steve said. “We were just talking about the Albania mission.”

“Ah.” Bucky paused, cocking his head at you. “First mission just the two of us. You nervous?” His smirk made you roll your eyes. Your heart thumped erratically, betraying you.

“Nervous about what?”

“All that time spent together, don’t want you falling in love with me,” he joked. Your throat tightened, your smile stretching wider as you let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Ha ha ha. Very funny,” you said dryly. Too close to home.

You missed the look of discomfort in Steve’s eyes. He pursed his lips, shifting his position in the chair so his knees bumped slightly against yours.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Steve asked seriously, making you frown.

“What?”

“Your leg injury,” he reminded you.

“Is fully healed,” you stated firmly, though you knew he was only concerned for you. “Don’t worry about me.”

Easier said than done, Steve wanted to say, his eyes lingering on you for just a second too long. Not that you noticed. You were looking at Bucky, an expression on your face that he couldn’t decipher. It frustrated him, sometimes, being unable to know what you were thinking.

“I’ll brief you both tomorrow morning,” Steve grunted, his hand squeezing your shoulder. “8am. Don’t be late.”

Bucky and you were very close friends. The friendship had ironically bloomed the more you forced your true feelings for him down, locking them away and refusing to let them come out. You went on missions together a lot, and would be working together even more once you were dispatched on your mission in Albania. One that was supposed to last for at least a month as you gathered intel on the latest enemy base.

But, you had enough practice, and you were confident that you would be able to control everything, your heart included. You were certain.

Bucky and you trained together almost every day, having very similar fighting styles, even though Bucky was far stronger than you. He seemed to notice that your gait was off, scowling as he tapped your thigh.

"You told Steve you were fine," he said, unaware of the shocks he was sending through you at the unexpected touch.

"I am," you insisted. At his disbelieving look, you relented. "Okay, fine. My knee isn't quite the same. But I'm fine - I can still fight. Go on, attack me right now, do it." Your voice was aggressive as you motioned for Bucky to tackle you.

"Calm down, kitten," he said, raising his hands in the air. Kitten. That was a first. "I'm not doubting your ability to fight. But Steve might strangle me if something happens to you."

"You're not my babysitter," you scowled.

"Funny, that's exactly what I said to him."

You rolled your eyes, deciding to call it quits for the day. You both took a seat on the side of the training room before you asked lightly, "Where's Natasha these days?"

Bucky shrugged, turning his face away from you slightly. Silence.

"What's going on?" you frowned, tilting your head and elbowing his bicep.

Bucky raked his fingers through his short hair, ruffling it up before he sighed.

"Just...going through a bit of a rough patch," he admitted. "It's nothing serious." He looked down at the floor, still avoiding your eyes.

"Oh. Right." You were concerned at the way Bucky was now looking slightly deflated. "You want to talk about it?"

Bucky gave you a thin smile, shaking his head.

"It's alright. I just want to focus on this mission. I don't know, maybe the time away will help us clear our heads," he said, referring to himself and Natasha.

You wanted to know more, but decided not to pry. He would share in good time. Hearing the fact that he was having relationship trouble with his girlfriend shouldn't have teased out a tendril of hope in you, but it did, and you felt awful. The guilt must've been clear on your face, as Bucky cocked his head at you.

"What?"

"Uh, nothing," you lied, sipping your bottle of water. "Let's get some rest. Got an early start tomorrow."

Saying goodbye to the compound was easy - you went on missions all the time. However, living solo with Bucky was a whole new experience.

Being together in a tiny shoe box apartment led to some situations which you definitely did not foresee. Those situations tested the limits of your ability to pretend not to be insanely attracted to Bucky.

It didn't matter how much you tried.

One day, you had gone out to the local market to pick up some supplies. When you returned to the apartment, you had almost dropped the paper bag of fruit and vegetables when Bucky emerged from the bathroom, clad in only a towel around his waist. Your eyes had involuntarily zeroed in on his chest, tracing the path of the water droplets which ran down the valley of his abdomen, past his hips and teasing at something more.

You could remember every defined plane of his naked, muscular torso, the scars decorating his skin, his blue eyes widening in shock at the sight of you.

He had blushed violently, mumbled something about forgetting his clothes in his room, and practically bolted in there.

It didn't matter how much you tried.

One night, you had a particularly horrific nightmare which caused you to wake up in the middle of the night screaming. You woke with sweat covering your face, your hands clenching the sheets.

Bucky ran into your room, wrenching the door open with such force that the handle was crushed in his fist. He found you curled up in a whimpering ball on your bed. That night, he had held your hand and comforted you, sleeping next to you on top of the covers.

It didn't matter how much you tried.

The day you had finally entered the enemy base. You had made your way down the maze of corridors together, but found Bucky practically shoving you inside a tiny store cupboard which definitely should not be accommodating two people, his hand on your mouth to mask any sound as the two armed men marched unexpectedly down the hallway.

You could still remember the feeling of Bucky pressed up against you, his eyes flickering between yours as you tried to stay as still as possible. His scent overwhelmed your nose, made you want to close your eyes and bask in it.

He had been slightly off that same evening, going to bed early before resuming his normal behaviors the next day.

You didn't know if you were imagining it, but something seemed to be changing.

It didn't matter how much you tried. You were definitely still in love with him.

One evening, Bucky found you sitting upright on your bed, squeezing your knee with one hand, a grimace on your face. He was walking past your open doorway and did a double take, his hand curling around the door frame as he peered in.

“My knee,” you explained. “Injury seems to be flaring up.”

Bucky tsked and disappeared momentarily, before he returned with an ice pack. He sat down on the edge of your bed, his weight causing the mattress to dip. He reached out for your leg without a moments hesitation. You were only clad in a sleep shirt and shorts, but that didn’t seem to bother him as he lifted your limb onto his lap.

He applied the ice pack against your skin, making you withdraw your leg instinctively. He held his hand around your ankle, firmly holding it in place.

“Better?” he mumbled after a moment.

“Yeah. I think so,” you said quietly.

You looked up, and your eyes met. You turned your face to stare at the wall, suddenly unable to hold the eye contact. In your peripheral, you could see he was still looking at you intensely, the way Sam always made fun of him for.

“What are you staring at?” you asked, forcing a teasing lilt in your voice, his hand suddenly feeling incredibly warm against your skin.

“Nothing,” he said after a long moment. His fingers seemed to tighten around your ankle, so briefly and so quickly that you weren't sure if you had imagined it, before he let go of you.

One month. You had expected to be in Albania for one month, tops, but that turned into almost two. It was nearly mid-March, day after day spent holed in the tiny apartment with Bucky, papers and photos and electronic equipment lying everywhere.

"Remind me why I'm here again?" Bucky asked, a frown on his face as he sat down on the couch. "Intel gathering isn't even my specialty. I thought we would be able to get in on some action, but we've literally just been spying on these guys for weeks."

"We've got some very valuable information already," you reminded him, eyes scanning the mess of documents all around you. "Just a little longer, then we can go home."

Bucky groaned. It was way past midnight, and you heard him open a bottle of whisky and the glug glug glug of a glass being filled. Another clink, another glug glug glug. Two glasses.

"Come," he said loudly, patting the space next to him. "We both need a break."

You sighed, standing up and stretching your limbs.

"Fine. One drink."

You crashed down next to him as your phone buzzed in quick succession. Lifting your phone, you saw the notifications of texts from Steve. Bucky inadvertently saw his name flash on the screen.

“Something going on with you and Steve?” Bucky asked without missing a beat, arching an eyebrow expectantly.

“Something?”

“Yeah, you know. Something."

"I have no idea what you mean," you said coolly, knocking your glass against his before taking a sip of alcohol.

"Can't hide this shit from me," Bucky said, leaning back and slinging his arm across the back of the couch. "He's my best friend. I can tell."

"Tell what, exactly?" you asked.

Bucky took a slug of whiskey. It was like the alcohol was enabling this impromptu heart to heart.

"He seems different around you.” His expression was neutral, but there was something else there which you could quite identify.

“Different how?” You were genuinely confused by Bucky’s words.

He looked off into the distance, a mulling expression on his face.

“He looks at you like he wants to be your personal soldier. Your knight.”

You snorted, the sound fading when you realized Bucky was being serious, his face devoid of humor.

“What? What are you talking about?” you asked, perplexed.

“You’ve seriously never noticed?”

“Steve and I are just friends,” you said firmly.

"Uh-huh. Is that why he messages you every day? And I know not all of it is mission related."

"I don't know. I guess we're close?" you said, becoming flustered. You took another sip of whiskey. “Besides, I…” You trailed off uncertaintly.

Bucky pounced on your falter like a cat.

“What?” he shuffled in his seat, turning towards you with a childish grin.

You bit the inside of your cheek. Either the alcohol was getting to your head already, or you were just feeling particularly brazen.

“I’m kind of into someone else.”

He seemed to stiffen as he observed you silently. The alcohol was making you feel warm and slightly fuzzy as you looked into his steel eyes, marveled at how his pupils appeared to pool and dilate. You held your breath, imagining him asking - "who?"

You.

In that moment, you suddenly imagined telling him how you felt. What a relief it would be. Being just the two of you for so long, it made you imagine sometimes that it was really just the pair of you against the world.

You wished you could be selfish. Wish you could just reach out and take what you wanted, tell him how you yearned for him. The way his handsome face looked now in the dim lights was so unfair, so teasing.

The silence was getting too long. Bucky seemed to lean closer, his body closing the gap between you inch by inch. His head tilted ever so slightly, his gaze moving to your left eye, then your right, before flickering down to your lips.

You wanted to kiss him. His lips looked so soft, and you wanted to know how they felt, how he tasted. Nothing else seemed real in that moment except the two of you.

Bucky moved forward again, his hand sliding along the couch. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple shifting.

You looked at his mouth. His tongue darted out to wet his lips -

The shrill vibration of your phone sliced the air.

He cleared his throat loudly, leaning back and taking a swill of his drink. You blinked, turning away from him and scrabbling for your phone, trying to get the image of his lips out of your mind.

You thought Bucky would acknowledge that moment. You half-expected (and feared) that you would have a confrontational conversation about it. But, that confrontation never came, and you returned to New York after Steve deemed that you’d gained enough information for them to make a move, but wanted to reconvene as a team first.

Bucky didn't bring it up on the way back to New York. He didn't bring it up on the car journey back to the compound. He didn't bring it up when you both walked into the common rooms and he embraced his girlfriend.

He and Natasha seemed to have put any relationship troubles to rest upon your return to the compound, the time apart apparently reigniting a spark of passion. She had been waiting on the landing pad, and they kissed wordlessly the moment they got close enough, the sight making your chest tighten.

You continued playing the role of the regular friend, and never brought up that almost-kiss again.

You were stubborn, in many ways. If he wasn't going to bring it up, then you could pretend it never happened. You were a great actress.

You wondered if you’d simply imagined that moment after all.

You’d missed New York a lot. The second he saw you at the compound after returning from Albania, he'd given Bucky a silent nod before pulling you into a tight embrace that almost lifted you off your feet.

Huh. Maybe Bucky was onto something.

After that, you found yourself spending even more and more time with him. Steve was the perfect gentleman, in many ways. He reminded you of an angel, sometimes, especially when his golden hair glowed in sunlight, the corners of his eyes creasing when he smiled.

He had a cherubic beauty. He was different to Bucky - they were like day and night. Both stunning in their own way, a complete force of nature, but with Steve, you felt like your vision was clearer. There was no second guessing - it seemed that he really did have feelings for you which were more than just friendly.

Bucky watched you and Steve from the other side of the Quinjet as you spoke in low voices, ready to dive into the next assignment. Steve was piloting, you crouched down next to him, his head leaning close towards yours.

Natasha was sat silently a few seats away from Bucky. She got in these moods, sometimes, where she wasn't particularly upset at anything Bucky had done, persay, but just wanted to shut herself off from everything.

Bucky didn't mind. He was twirling a knife between his fingers as he watched you with his best friend, a foreign feeling settling inside his chest.

Was it jealousy? Not of Steve, no. It couldn't be. Maybe he was just jealous of the way you smiled at each other, completely care-free and easy. Not like things were with Natasha - he couldn't remember the last time that he had shared an innocent moment like that with his girlfriend.

When he'd first returned from Albania, things had seemed good with her. But sometimes it felt shallow - like everything was just superficial without real grit or weighting to their emotions.

He was beginning to question a lot of the things he shared with Natasha. It felt like recently, a lot of the positive aspects of their relationship had simply run their course. Now, the time they spent together was either in silence, in arguments, or in semi-rage fueled sex.

Seeing you smile at Steve made him suddenly wish for something purer. Simpler.

His eyes traced the angles of your nose, the slender slope of your neck as you gazed up, the corners of your lips as you smiled.

He closed his eyes. He would have to stop thinking about you too much.

When you were fighting, you couldn't focus on anything else besides getting rid of the threat and protecting your team mates.

A blade flew past your face, barely avoiding glancing your skin before it was swiftly caught by Bucky, who launched it into the neck of the tall, bulky man who had been advancing towards you. He had been swinging a bat wrapped in barbed wire, an ugly smile on his face.

"That's a very creative weapon," you grunted, wrenching the bat from the man's hold as he crumbled to the ground from Bucky’s attack. You swung it into the face of a snarling, blonde haired woman who was coming for Natasha.

The sounds of fighting echoed loudly in the empty warehouse, cries of pain and screams sounding every few seconds as you fought off the increasing number of enemies who appeared in every direction.

You and Natasha stood almost back to back as you both aimed guns with expert precision into the rafters above you, your eyes spotting hidden snipers and firing before they could get you.

In moments like these, amidst the chaos, anything could go awry. You heard rather than saw the clatter of a grenade, your eyes widening in shock the second you registered what it was. You opened your mouth to warn Natasha, feeling a large wall of muscle crash into you and roll you away before you could even speak.

You were practically thrown off your feet, back thudding onto the ground like a doll. The explosion sounded in the distance - you realized that Sam had managed to intercept and toss the grenade into the air in those six seconds before it detonated, taking out a section of the warehouse wall, dust and debris raining onto you.

"You alright?" Bucky asked huskily, pulling you onto your feet.

You didn't have time to respond before he was turning away and diving into the fight again, Steve suddenly appearing by your side and tilting your chin to look at him.

"All good?"

"All good," you said affirmatively, watching as he gave you a grim smile before he too rejoined the battle.

Bucky's heart was roaring in his chest as he threw himself at yet another nameless man, driving his fist into his face to incapacitate him. The sudden realization was almost painful that in the appearance of a grenade, his first instinct had been to run towards you.

You found yourself shopping with Natasha one afternoon. In the life of an Avenger, getting the chance to do these mundane, every day things was exceptionally fun.

You were picking out decorations for Steve's birthday party. He had insisted that he didn't want one, but the team had ignored him, obviously. When there was so much doom and gloom, it was nice to have an excuse to just be normal and celebrate something.

"So, you and Steve, huh?" Natasha said suddenly as you both walked down the grocery store aisles.

You groaned internally. In recent weeks, it seemed like everyone had suddenly decided something was going on between the two of you.

"Not you too, Nat," you said, pretending to glower at her.

"I'm just saying," she smirked. "His crush on you is getting pretty obvious. You have to see it, too"

You shrugged, biting down on your lip.

"I don't know. Maybe?"

When it came to discussing Steve, the thought of Bucky also inevitably flitted across your mind. Okay, admittedly, you also had a crush on Steve - how could you not?

But your feelings for Bucky always overshadowed it. However, you hadn't seen a lot of him lately, and the drastic decrease in interactions between the two of you coupled with the many what if scenarios planted into your head by others regarding yourself and Steve, was starting to make you think.

It made you consider him, for sure. Steve was a good man. Not that you wanted to use him to make you get over your feelings for Bucky, but maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea to explore that avenue and see where it took you.

"I think you should make a move," Natasha said. "Life is too short."

You pursed your lips, entertaining the idea. Maybe she was right.

Bucky would never be yours. He would never return your feelings, and it was time you accepted it.

You didn't have to make the first move, after all.

The party was a small, private affair, the rooms in the compound decked out in patriotic decorations, music playing and giving the team a chance to actually wind down.

Towards the end of the night, you ended up sitting at the bar with Steve, the others outside watching the fireworks that had been set off by Tony.

"Can I try something?" Steve asked quietly out of the blue, his clear eyes flitting between yours. He raised his hands hesitantly, waiting for you to give him the green-light. They ghosted around your face, aching to touch you.

You thought of a dark haired super soldier, how he unknowingly pained your heart. All the fantasies you had of him which would never materialize.

"You can kiss me, Steve," you whispered.

That was all the encouragement he needed as he leaned closer and slotted his lips against yours. It was an unfamiliar, but not an unpleasant, sensation.

It was a gentleman's kiss. Short but sweet. He pulled away, his hands having found their way in your hair, and he seemed breathless.

"Woah. Am I interrupting something?"

You both jumped apart, Sam walking in with raised eyebrows and a Cheshire Cat grin.

"Is everyone around here getting laid except me?" Sam chuckled.

Bucky walked in next, his observant gaze taking in the scene in front of him. He had heard Sam's comment, seen your slightly tousled hair, took in Steve's slightly sheepish expression.

He didn't say a word.

You and Steve began...could you call it dating? You didn't exactly go out on dates - you were both too busy doing Avenger shit.

But nowadays, you spent almost all your spare time with him. He would hold your hand and steal kisses in private, away from prying eyes. You found yourself cultivating a growing affection for him, beginning to truly look forward to seeing him every day.

It was conflicting, when the object of your most raw affections was still there.

You didn't know if you were a bad person. Was it terrible, that you were letting yourself get involved with Steve when your heart's deepest desires all revolved around Bucky?

You were never going to act upon them, you rationalized. And having residual love for Bucky didn't mean you didn’t deserve some happiness with another man, right?

You wondered just how residual your love was when Bucky still managed to make you feel defenceless and totally at his mercy.

Once it became clear that you and Steve were no longer just friends, it seemed to shift the dynamic between yourself and Bucky even more. You spent less and less time together, and it didn't help that his mood was always perpetually affected by his rocky relationship with Natasha.

You had found him storming through the compound one day after he had no doubt had an argument with her. You had seen the rage coming off him in waves and stopped him without hesitating, asking him if everything was okay.

"Mind your own business," he had said curtly, the rudeness in his voice making your mouth fall open.

"Excuse me?" you spluttered, genuinely taken aback at the venom in his tone.

"Was I not clear? I said - mind your own business," he said, glowering at you in a manner that made you flinch. He continued on his way without a second look back at you, the animosity bringing frustrated tears to your eyes.

He had never spoken to you that way before. His apology came in the form of a small box of chocolates the next day, but after that incident, you told yourself you would not ask about his love life again.

Bucky was drinking by himself when you found him in the middle of the night, listening to music playing from a vintage record player. How old school.

"You gonna join me for a drink?" he asked, but you shook your head with a smile.

"I'm okay. I couldn't sleep," you said to explain your sudden appearance.

Bucky imagined you sleeping in your bed next to Steve. Except Steve was away from the compound for the rest of the week, so he knew you were alone. Maybe that was why you were so restless, he thought bitterly.

How nice it must be to rest next to someone you really loved. Unbeknownst to you, he and Natasha had been sleeping separately for weeks.

He wanted what you and Steve had.

(Or maybe he just wanted you?)

The music playing was unfamiliar to you, and Bucky said it was one of his favorites from back in the day. He suddenly grabbed your hand, and you could tell he had been drinking for some time, the smell of alcohol heavy on his tongue.

"Dance with me?"

You didn't have time to say anything before he was swaying you back and forth without rhythm, making you laugh out loud at the hilarity of it.

"I thought you were supposed to be a good dancer?" you teased. You had been walking on eggshells around Bucky for the longest time, but in this moment, it felt like old days.

"I am," he murmured. He suddenly adjusted his stance, his hand moving to your back, the other grabbing yours as he began properly leading you into a dance. Your fingers were interlaced when he pulled you close, and you began moving in tandem in a spontaneous waltz.

The music was soothing, and his body was warm. You felt comfortable and safe with him, feeling all the tension leave you.

He looked so unbearably handsome. You realized that you were staring at each other, unblinking.

This was strange. And yet you couldn't drag your gaze away from him as he tilted his head forward, resting his forehead on yours. Your breath hitched. His eyes closed with a flutter.

"I'm tired," he said quietly. "Let's just stay like this for a while."

Tony threw a small party - well, small by his standards. In his own words, everyone needed a night to "chill out and drink a lot of booze". You were chatting with Sam when you noticed Natasha and Bucky arrive at the party. Separately, pointedly avoiding each other.

Sam followed your inquisitive gaze and sucked in a breath.

“Trouble in paradise,” he said. It wasn’t a question - more like a statement, as if he was privy to something you didn’t know.

“Hm?”

Sam took a sip of his drink.

“Never mind. Don’t want no vibranium arm up my ass for running my mouth.”

“Now that would be some party trick,” you said, though you were now furtively watching Natasha and Bucky from over the rim of your drink.

They were definitely avoiding each other. They could not be stood farther apart, on opposite sides of the room. Bucky’s face looked slightly sullen whereas Natasha looked composed and cool.

Steve wrapped an arm around you, placing a kiss on the top of your head. Things had started off quite slow and light at first, but you were increasingly conscious of the fact that things seemed to be getting more intense between the two of you. He hadn't quite asked you to be his girlfriend, but you were starting to wonder if there was a silent understanding that you were.

You weren't good at this relationship stuff. And, frustratingly, you found yourself wondering more about the state of Bucky and Natasha's relationship than yours.

Your worries multiplied when he got so drunk by the end of the night that you offered to accompany him back to his room, Bucky's arm slung around your shoulders as you tried to support his weight.

"I know you can walk, Buck," you grunted as you made your way towards his bedroom. “Use your legs. You’re killing me here.”

He sighed loudly, patting your back. He seemed to sober up when you both stopped outside his room, and you stared him down with a serious look on your face.

"Are you okay? No bullshit.”

His eyes were glazed over when he looked at you. He had always found you to be beautiful. No wonder Steve fell for you, he thought.

"We broke up," he said quietly.

His words weren’t entirely a shock to you.

"Are you okay?" you asked gently.

Your voice was so kind. When he looked at you now, he really felt like he had somehow missed a chance to discover something great. You had been there all along. Why didn’t he see it?

Maybe he always knew. Even back in Albania, there had been a moment where he thought he would kiss you. The memory scared him. He hadn’t quite realized there was something in his heart that was more than just friendly until that night.

“No,” he said, but not for the reasons you thought. He hesitated. “Will you stay with me?”

Your breath caught in your throat.

Stupid, Bucky scolded himself. He knew how you would interpret that - and somehow you wouldn't be wrong. God, no - what was he thinking? This wasn't him.

“Never mind. Sorry. That was dumb,” he said hoarsely. Guilt wracked his body - for you, for Steve. His best friend. “Goodnight.”

You didn't say anything for a second, but finally the words found their way out.

"Goodnight. I'll be here if you want to talk," you said as he pushed open his door.

Bucky surveyed you with a look that may have contained disappointment. You weren't sure, and you suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to stay, and yet you forced yourself to take a step back, away from him.

The door closed with a click.

The universe was playing a sick joke.

When Bucky first met Natasha, he thought he had found his life-partner. As time went on, he realized that it just wasn't meant to be.

Had he always loved you? No, maybe not at first. He had considered you almost like a little sister in the beginning, someone to take care of, someone to joke with, someone he cared a lot about.

Maybe he always told himself the love that brewed was just like the love one had for their family.

It was confusing and he was laden with guilt, the first time he found himself wondering what it would feel like to kiss you. He was still with Natasha, and he felt so awful when those thoughts breached his mind. Like he was betraying her.

When you got together with Steve, it was almost a relief. He thought that seeing you with his best friend would dampen down any flame that existed within him, any longing that he had for you.

He was wrong. Seeing you so happy with Steve made him jealous, but it wasn't because he wanted that happiness for himself and Natasha. No - it was because he just wanted you.

God, how he hated himself. Steve was his best friend, his most loyal friend, and he was lusting after you. The disappointment and hatred for himself manifested into a coldness towards you, eventually.

He found that the only way he would be able to get through this was to keep you at arms length. There was no way he was going to be able to see the relationship between you and Steve blossom without doing something he would regret.

He hated himself for the way he was treating you. He knew you could sense it, too, his hostility towards you reaching a crescendo one autumn afternoon when he found himself shouting at you aboard the empty Quinjet after the rest of the team had disembarked.

"You could have gotten the team injured," Bucky spat through gritted teeth as you stared at him in bewilderment.

"Are you kidding me? I knew what I was doing."

"Did you? Steve had to come and save -"

"He didn't have to save me," you sniped back, pre empting his words. "I had it under control."

"You were a liability," Bucky snarled. The moment he said it, he wanted to take it back, but he just couldn't. He was pissed off - not at anything you did, but at the way his heart was pounding uncontrollably at the mere sight of you. How did you render him so weak?

Your mouth opened and closed silently, and Bucky could identify the exact moment your eyes stung with tears, but he chose to say nothing. He stood to the spot like a cowardly statue as you stood stiffly and stalked off the jet.

Bucky was fighting a losing battle to keep his emotions at bay. With feelings so intense, he knew they couldn't be contained in a vessel. They were bound to explode.

There was a storm that night.

Bucky had sustained a deep knife wound to the side of his chest whilst out on the field. You walked into the medical bay as he was being bandaged up, startled by dark expression on his face. He was in a foul mood, you could tell.

"Is he going to be okay?" you asked.

He had been stabbed because of you. He had been hurt because he had pulled you out of the way of a rogue S.H.I.E.L.D agent just an hour ago, and your lip was bleeding from how you’d been chewing anxiously on it as Bucky was tended to.

"M'fine," he responded before the doctor could, pulling on his blood stained shirt and leather jacket.

"Actually, Sergeant Barnes, you need to - "

He stalked out of the medical bay, past you with such fury that you stared after him in shock before following him.

"What's gotten into you?" you asked.

"Nothing," he said curtly. He was marching so fast that you were struggling to keep up. He walked through the compound, right out of a set of doors and into the field outside, the rain pelting his face. It was ice cold and exactly what he wanted to make him feel nothing, to feel numb.

You were feeling sick of his attitude. For weeks, he had been acting awful to you. Blunt, brushing off your attempts at conversation, avoiding you. The rare times you did get him to speak to you, he was rude and brusque.

It hurt your feelings more than you’d care to admit, but now you were just angry at how he was acting like a petulant child.

"Come back inside!" you shouted over the rain. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Go back inside," he said, the frustration in his voice clear.

It riled you up even more, and you felt instantly indignant as his barking command.

"No, not until you tell me what's going on!"

Bucky continued walking, ignoring you.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you stop right now!” you shouted, your fury evident. That made him stop in his tracks, his back still facing you. Your annoyance finally tipped you over the edge. “You’re acting like an immature bastard! You’ve been an ass to me for weeks - do you want to fucking explain why?”

Bucky whirled around then, cursing and stalking up towards you. He lifted his hands like he wanted to grab you, but he stopped himself from touching you. The expression on his face startled you out of the red mist that clouded your brain - it was a combination of rage and sadness.

"Why are you here?" he exclaimed, looking tortured.

"Why am I here?" you repeated, incredulous. "What are you - "

"You're always here," he spat through clenched jaws. "Always distracting me, always making me think of you. Why?"

Confusion marred your face. He continued, "I hate looking at you and knowing that I can't have you."

"What's going on?" you spluttered. "Are you mad that I got you stabbed?"

"No!" he shouted. "I'm mad that I love you when I want to feel nothing for you."

His words made you seize up, and your lips parted in shock. He was raging now, his whole body shaking as he stared at you.

"Did you have feelings for me?" he pressed, his voice desperate and urgent. "Did you?"

"I - "

"Don't lie," he warned, his face pained.

"Yes," you gasped finally. "I did."

He nodded as if he knew all along.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his tone accusatory.

"How could I tell you?" you retorted. "Why would I tell you?" You had no idea what he wanted from you, or where this was all coming from. It was so unexpected, to be having this conversation out here with him, today, but he seemed to want to wrangle the truth out of you.

"If you had told me, maybe - maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way." His voice broke, and your heart strained at the seams, guilt filling your chest.

The rain was getting heavier now, pelting the two of you. Your clothes felt so heavy on your skin, acid rising in your throat at Bucky's words. They infuriated you.

“Maybe things would’ve been different!” You were almost screaming over the sound of the rain and thunder. Your hair was sticking to your face, blinding you. “Maybe - maybe if you hadn’t been with Natasha in the first place. Maybe if we didn’t end up in Albania together. Maybe if Steve didn’t tell me his feelings for me.”

“Did you love me?” He was almost screaming too, his voice filled with frustration.

“I won’t answer that,” you said resolutely. “It doesn’t matter. You have no idea how I’ve been feeling, Bucky.” You wanted to grip the collar of his jacket, shake some sense into him. “I’ve felt like I’ve been in the shadows for so long, pining for you. Sitting on the bench, waiting for you to pick me.”

“I was with someone else -”

“And that’s fine!” you exclaimed honestly. “That’s fine, Bucky. I never wanted to break you up. But I just think - if it’s meant to be, I wouldn’t have had to wait for so long. No one wants to feel like the second choice.”

“It was never like that. You know that.”

“I know,” you said weakly. “I know all these things, and I know it’s just a way of life, relationships come and go and your relationship with Natasha doesn’t dilute the feelings you have for me now.” The words fell out in a rush, almost nonsensical. “But it was always so hard, Bucky. Feeling all this love for you and getting nothing in return. With Steve, it’s different. It’s easy.”

“So you gonna take the easy way out?” he snarled.

"Nothing about this has been easy!" you said angrily. "You have no right to take a knife for me, scream at me then tell me that you love me!"

The rain was rolling off his skin, his eyelashes thick as he narrowed his eyes at you. He wanted to kiss you so badly, to dismiss everything and ignore every possible consequence and just kiss you.

Instead, he took in the helplessness in your expression. Reminded himself of who his best friend was.

“Do you love him?” he asked softly. It wasn’t a rhetorical question - he genuinely needed to know, to hear the truth from your lips. It was conflicting - Steve was his brother, but at the same time, he was the man who had your heart whilst Bucky ached to capture it in his fingers, too. Every cell in his body told him he needed to be valiant and fight for you. But he knew that fighting for you wouldn’t be brave, it wouldn’t be courageous - it would only cause pain to those he loved.

“Yes,” you answered truthfully.

“Do you still love me?”

The question alarmed you. Bucky had always trod the boundary between you carefully, particularly since you and Steve had become a couple. You thought he would never do anything to disrespect that. You knew that if he had to ask, then he truly was a desperate man.

How could you ever tell him how you felt? How could you tell Bucky that sometimes, when you were with Steve, you thought about him? That the guilt was eating away at you, keeping you up at night? How could you describe how sick it made you feel when you looked into Steve’s eyes and felt a sweet affection for him, but which was just a fraction of the burning love you held for Bucky?

“That’s unfair,” you said, voice quivering. “You can’t ask that. Steve is your best friend.”

“And you’re my…” His voice began as a forceful protest before trailing off.

“Your what, Bucky?” you asked incredulously, eyes widening. “How does that sentence end?”

Bucky winced.

“I’m not your friend,” you said carefully. At this point, after all those questionable moments shared throughout the year, you were no longer just a friend, not really. “I’m not your lover. And this is why we can’t be having this conversation.”

“You’re my person,” Bucky said, his voice cracking. “I would never take you from Steve. I know that. But I just have to let you know.” Tears were gathering in his eyes, making your chest hurt.

You smiled a watery smile.

"I know."

You were two ships that passed in the night. Two people who could have had a beautiful story, but neither of you had time to open that chapter. The timing was never quite right, after all.

"I love you," he said finally. He seemed to sag as the words left his body, like they were a weight he had been carrying for a long time.

Those three words were ones which you had wanted to hear from him for so long. But now, hearing them hang in the air, they only made your pain worsen.

"It'll pass," you said finally. "One day, you will find someone that is the right person, right time."

You never thought you would find yourself in this position. That the man you loved so dearly would tell you he felt the same, and you would have to do everything in your power to stop yourself from running into his embrace.

You had to do the responsible thing. You couldn't hurt Steve.

“What do we do now?” Bucky asked. He needed your guidance. He felt like every fiber in his body was burning.

You were silent for the longest time. You realized you were holding your breath, because you were afraid that you would spontaneously burst into tears if you moved a single muscle.

“You and I...will not mention this again. We won’t think about what could have been, because we can’t.” Your voice broke on the final word despite your attempts to compose yourself.

Did you love Steve? The answer was yes. You did love him, honestly.

Did you love Bucky?

With your entire existence.

You didn't know if you could genuinely love two people at once. And, deep down, you knew that your feelings for Bucky would forever be ingrained in your heart - it was burned into you. But Steve was the one who stood by your side, who picked you without hesitation - you could not and would not hurt him. He was too good to you to deserve that.

Even if it meant letting go of the love that never was.

Bucky nodded once. He looked at your beautiful face, at the devastation in your eyes, but also the determination in your stance.

“Okay,” he said, a half-smile on his face. “I'm sorry."

For you, he would try. For Steve, he would try. If he had to make peace with the fact that he had lost out on something beautiful, he would try. Because he knew it was unfair - he had been late to the game, ignored the niggling feeling in his mind that you perhaps felt something special for him, told himself that you just viewed him as a friend.

For you, he would try not to love you anymore.

Destined to meet, but not destined to be together. Sometimes, people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life.

A/N: I don't expect many people to like this fic, but I wanted to write this one just for me, I guess? I have been in a very angsty mood recently and wanted to write a fic about love that doesn't have a happy ending, to reflect the reality that sometimes, you can love someone with your whole soul, but it just doesn't work out. I don't know if reader or Bucky made the 'correct' decisions here - that interpretation is up to you.

#bucky fic #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky angst #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky

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fadetouchedsilk · 23 days ago

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camellia mercar is the saddest wettest cat of a da protagonist i have and i didn't even get a say in that characterization but here we are. this game is Insane for making it look like everyone else is part of a groupchat that rook wasn't invited to but i guess i'm integrating that & coming out on the other side with something that's crossing into the territory of 'world's most unfortunate being, emotionally.'

anyway here's some comedic depression wherein i crank up the isolated vibes

so like. considerably less fun than Crypt Baby Rook, we have Abandoned Battlefield Baby Rook. which is already a very promising start /s

adoptive family was probably mostly fine? except being an elf it seems that she basically never left the property? which is like alright yeah sure tevinter is just Like That i guess. the important personal takeaway here is that a lot of time would have been spent on her Own and deeply under-socialized. this made her 1. something of a people pleaser and 2. Extremely weird if you paid enough attention for like .5 seconds.

absolutely internalized being Not Very Important at home & carries this for the rest of her life lmao. no one made her follow the 'do not speak unless acknowledged' rule, she put that one on herself.

isolation is The Only Coping Mechanism. she did not have friends, she had a string of pet rats over the years (acquired without permission). several of them were trained to do tricks. she had an abundance of free time by herself to do this.

unsurprisingly she's probably also tried whatever creative solo hobby you can think of

has absolutely internalized her lot in life as being sort of assigned to this role btw

in her mind 99.9% chance that varric assigned her a nickname because he didn't actually remember her name. this cannot be disproven, doesn't actually matter if it's the case.

not actually convinced that any of her fellow shadow dragons know who she is personally? (based on my vague memory of getting the letter from viper but then also the game introducing me to him in conversation like this was the first time we'd met. wild.)

(aside from having a general interest in wanting to make a difference, she also initially found the idea of the shadow dragons appealing because it was a cohesive group working towards a common goal, which felt like a good place to try and meet people right?)

(she does not manage to progress past Work Acquaintances Status with anyone. unfortunately. she justifies this with the idea that 'they probably already know enough people/maybe i wouldn't like hanging out with them anyway/maybe they didn't know if i drank or not and didn't want to make things weird, etc etc)

not invited to group hangouts at the lighthouse--this is an assumption borne of the fact that she's, yknow, pretty preoccupied with making sure we all don't watch the world explode & Die & also the whole 'alone = familiar' thing. it's an Incorrect assumption, she Does want to go to the group hangouts but legitimately has no idea how friendship dynamics operate outside of literal rats.

will say this is 100% fine with her, she's just happy everyone is getting along

(it's not fine. this sentiment is delivered with the energy of someone who is keeping a list of potential 13th reasons)

finds out about book club night after the fact. is trying so very hard to be chill about it, knows that she's stepped out of her typical role as a background character but that doesn't automatically mean that the rest of the status quo will shift along with that. (she is privately not chill about it & is in fact very sad)

you know those people who are very good at asking others about themselves & since they're always around you just Assume that it must be mutual, only to sit there and realize you don't even know what their favourite colour is or like literally anything else about them? yeah.

she wants to ask if anyone knows what her name is for real but is also afraid of the answer lol

you might be asking yourself, why does she allow this to keep happening? why not Say Something? & to that i say, look, we've all been in a situation where we try to make friends with an established group & how awkward that can be even if you're a more secure person. this is like that except she's in real time watching people become better friends with each other (since it's Not an established group) & none of them are choosing her :')

(we love residual childhood wounds) so, so willing to just roll with being the afterthought or more of a Concept of a person who happens to be useful instead of drawing attention to the problem & making things worse (worse how? she doesn't know, it's just the nebulous concept of Worse)

certain that the only two beings she know for sure actually like spending time with her would be Manfred and Assan. assan is food motivated though so that's toeing the line a bit. but manfred definitely likes being around her! that's a win. that's her only win.

she's a genuinely nice person she's just incredibly convinced she's going to go through life Alone & acts accordingly. it's not anyone's fault, that's just how it is.

this becomes painfully funny when she's dealing with solas or solas-as-varric

solas does not have to work hard to convince her that she's the odd man out or spin things to make it look like she's disliked so that he can manipulate her more easily. no no. there's at least a part of every fade conversation where she reveals some sort of crushingly lonely habit she's developed & is weirdly kind of relieved that at least He's taking some time to ask how she's holding up (never mind that this is a verbal hostage situation)

she kills his vibe so hard without trying lmfao.

'god i wish the inquisitor was here,' he thinks for the Nth time that week. 'isenril would have thrown a chair at me by now if i tried this with her. i miss that dynamic. she would just yell at me. i know how to work with that. this just feels. Bad.' it's like kicking a puppy except the puppy has been conditioned to accept it & has settled into resignation.

it's worse when he has to pretend to be varric. small mercy there is that she hasn't spent nearly as much time around him as the inquisitor but god. solas is Not a comforting person.

he's So uncomfortable whenever she sounds like she's going to start crying & has never pivoted to a different subject in a conversation so fast in his life. ('there there. you're uh. you're doing Great i'm sure everyone is noticing.')

like. he's still going to try and switch places with her in the fade at some point but he's not even certain she would argue about it afterwards.

he does not love the fact that she doesn't have Friends at the lighthouse because this means he's the default. he's done a lot of fake-napping mid-conversation with varric. give this man a daytime emmy. (he's cornered himself, no one else can see him so he can't even orchestrate a relationship with someone else to pawn her off on. he's in hell.)

also elgar'nan didn't even say anything specific to tempt her when they faced off lmao. everyone Else got a personalized taunt but not her (do you ever take it personally when even the god who wants you dead can't even bother to find out some basic wants of yours or are you normal)

the way no one checks in on her after minrathous. lol. lmao.

she's not going to hold it over neve for being upset. that would be insane & also she knows she's not being blamed for real, it's just a bad situation.

but also she does feel maybe like everyone Else might be blaming her? maybe just a bit?

guys you know i live there too right. guys. you know i made the decision because i thought that treviso would have the weaker defences & we would have had a better chance right. you know i'm not any more powerful than anyone else & had no way of knowing i would also be destroying My own home, right? Right???

yeah this is one of those moments where she removes herself from the situation and just breaks in private. she doesn't dislike neve at all (she wishes she was cool like that tbh, people seem to like neve much more in general. even the wisps seem to prefer neve over her) but one can only take so much concern for someone who is in the Exact Situation You're In without so much as a word directed your way.

also she feels irrational guilt for the choice so it doesn't help with the whole Feeling Punished thing

(again not like she Knew what would happen!! it seemed the more logical choice based on what she knew)

the catch 22 with withdrawing is that people tend to assume that you don't want them to intrude on your privacy, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if you already suffer from Terminal Lonely Disease. no one has seen rook since we got back really = she must be fine & not want help so we'll leave her to it = 'oh god they must Really not care about me all that much'

unfortunate situation where like. yeah she probably could have made things more obvious when it comes to connection efforts but also that shouldn't be one-sided effort either you know?

she's also fully expecting this to transfer over to any surviving faction members & if they don't end up hating her for it, it doesn't compute.

the relationship with lucanis is just. a comedy of errors & poorly communicated intentions tbh.

she likes him a lot but because he's the way he is there's no reason to think this is anywhere close to mutual

he remembered what she likes to drink but she also knows that he's the one typically making the grocery lists so like. yeah no shit he remembered she isn't special.

she's not a Confident flirt but the one thing she has going for her is that it's fairly obvious so she's pretty sure he's noticed he's just not into her. which is fine! no expectations so no disappointment!

maybe some disappointment

honestly she feels like she's made more of a connection with spite than anyone else at this point. spite likes her, spite Wants to talk about her. spite would be actively interested in seeing any of the rats she's trained at the lighthouse & would do so without making her feel silly for it.

(she's trained two. the have recall & can jump through a small hoop & she's working on object retrieval. these are new rats she grabbed as coping mechanisms at some point because it felt more reactive than talking to the fish in the tank.)

this only goes so far because of the body sharing thing (she thinks it might be crossing some sort of boundary) but the point is that the Literal Demon is somehow the only being who seems to actively enjoy her presence & make this fact known

unsurprisingly the Almost Kiss makes spite insane. 'lucanis why are you upsetting my best friend rook. are you stupid i think you might be stupid. she's not going to come here anymore do you understand that. she's crying. look at what you did.'

guess who starts aggressively avoiding group mealtimes (on purpose this time not like 'oh sorry everyone already ate, there's leftovers though') & the pantry in general. at some point she just starts her own mini pantry in her room to avoid crossing paths.

you thought she spent time on her own before? you haven't seen the 'i got my hopes up & it went nowhere which i Should have expected so i'm not even mad about it really but i am humiliated & feel very stupid for actually wanting something & don't want to talk about it' version of Isolation yet. it's real bad lmao.

like she's still going out & doing her job and also helping the rest of the team is at least something else to focus on (but gosh it sure would be nice if literally anyone asked if she was doing okay)

spite would like to do that but he's Not Allowed and couldn't be more unhappy lmfao.

(note: this will not even be remotely addressed until after 'inner demons.')

the 'i made you a dessert' lock in scene doesn't translate at alllll. he thinks he's being So Smooth & So Obvious (it's not another gifted knife without context). in his mind this was a success. as far as she's concerned this was literally just about dessert.

slowburn is great. he's treating every conversation like actual relationship progression & she's like. well we're friends again i think i'll just be happy with that much.

low self worth & self doubt keep her stagnant

fade prison break out is. something else. it's been an unpleasant hour for her & a month for everyone else. harding is dead bellara got Grabbed by the blight & solas is Loose. everyone is having a great time. super fantastic.

girl is legitimately surprised there was That much of an effort to find her since she's lost the dagger & solas isn't in her head anymore (not that she's complaining)

atp her only goal is to try & un-fuck everyone's lives as much as she can before something inevitably takes her out (she is not the hof she is not the inquisitor she assumes she Will be dying at some point soon thanks)

fucking news to her that she's apparently been in a relationship for at least the duration of her time in the fade. that talk ends up much the same way as we see it play out but not before a Lot of incredibly distressed clarifications.

this isn't lucanis getting dragged he feels So goddamn bad holy shit. spite feels vindicated finally, he was Correct & his human counterpart really should have just listened to him instead of whatever the fuck he was trying to do.

anyway the lesson here is that you waste a whole lot of time getting wrapped up in your own issues when you Could have been going on actual dates instead (this is a call out for both of them they're both annoying about it)

by the end of things she still doesn't. really feel 100% part of the group lmfao but it's maybe not as terrible?

i also just think as a professor emmrich has had More than enough students break down in his office to recognize her particular flavour of instability. he's probably going to end up putting in some extra effort. perhaps he will even learn about some of her hobbies & even coax her into doing them outside of her room or on one of the private balconies

bellara also likes her i think she just has horse blinder style hyperfixations & forgets regular socialization. time blindness will hit her like a truck. it's fine.

camellia Needs to be explicitly told that she's getting a good grade in friendship, something that's both totally normal to want & possible to achieve

she still doesn't like to tell people about the trained rats though because when she inevitably explains Why she knows how to train rats she realizes as she says it that her childhood was actually probably pretty sad sounding.

actually every time she starts to talk about how she grew up she kind of stops herself halfway through like Huh. actually maybe that wasn't as fun as i remember it being you're looking at me with concern.

anyway she knows how to cross stitch & does watercolours. those are her main things. please show some interest in them she's dying to talk about them but will not take the floor on her own.

please stop calling her rook also she's losing her mind & it's been so long at this point she doesn't know how to address it :')

#camellia mercar #rook mercar #veilguard spoilers #since i touch on plot points here #'im smiling but the light inside me is slowly dying :)))))' is basically her whole vibe except its not homicide she's on the verge of #it's throwing herself into the docktown bay lmao #except she doesnt actually want to cause extra work for any of the fishers who might have to get the body so she'll think of another way #that isn't inconvenient for strangers

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sugar--brown · 2 months ago

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It's 2am...

You know what that means...

The Mechanisms ramblings!

Erm erm. Today's topic:

Aurora and Jonny. Their relationship. Their places as the eldest both at the same time. Being siblings. Being attached to Carmilla.

A bit of background! We know that Aurora is an orphan sentient moon made of flesh and organic stuff. Carmilla adopted and raised as her kid. (Don't ask any questions for all this, I have no clue how it works). But at some point, she left or had been kidnapped by ciberians. Ciberians who decided that turning an organic sentient moon into a war spaceship was a good idea. Aurora went throught countless of body's horror and torture and then was used for wars by her tormentors.

Meanwhile! Jonny is kind of adopted by Carmilla after his father and his father figure. He's mechanised and becomes immortal. Somehow, he decided tosteal Aurora and claims her as his own.

What do you think happened next? Carmilla came aboard, right? No one else is here and Carmilla sticked around until Toy Soldier was recruited. And she's immortal so Aurora had to recognized her, right? And they would be both overjoyed to be reunited, right?

Until Carmilla made the presentations. Jonny feels threaten by Aurora because "what do you mean the ship is sentient" and "how did you raised a moon and you never told me". Afterall, he's travelling with her for a while now. They are - as much we know - the only immortals in the whole universe. She saved his life. He must be attached to her.

Meanwhile, Aurora had to feel threaten by Jonny. Because "you replaced me with some kind of wild racoon" and "how can I compete with someone who looks just like her and who can interact naturally with her". Her first impression of him was that he's cruel and violent. And she just got back her mum! She won't let anyone take her away from her!

Carmilla should have been stuck in the middle of tug of war, having to deal with two very traumatized young adults barely out of teenagers years craving her attention. Maybe they even fought (Aurora is winning because... well... spaceship.)

But it settled down. They bond, surely. Because Jonny is concerned with her safety in the track "Aurora's strike". Plus, they love their mum so foghting would make her sad.

And then... the others came in their family. And suddenly, it's not Jonny versus Aurora for Carmilla's attention. It's Jonny with Aurora for taking care of their baby siblings freshly mechanised. Who is the oldest? No one is sure.

But all in all, I think Jonny and Aurora share a very special, sweet, deep siblings bond.

TLDR: Jonny and Aurora are typical oldest siblings and it's a shame we don't have much about them

#the mechanisms #the mechs #rambles #ramblings #jonny d'ville #the aurora #Aurora #doctor carmilla #extrapolation #it's 2am

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whataboutsimple · 2 months ago

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The Defender AU

Ah, well, since you @murkystarlight @abugshapedeldritchbeing @sillysnaildraws asked so nicely, I'm gonna ramble about it a bit<3

The storyline stars a little bit before Romeo went power hungry, leaving some place fore characters to develop themselves.

At the very beginning Fred was planing to create some kind of a "weapon" in case something will happen, which Admins won't be able to handle on their own. So, what would be more efficient to create, than a human who holds absolute of admin powers?

Around this time he started to play with different mechanics of creating mobs, trying to find the closest to a human being. Deciding to stop on a Wither Skeleton, he have chosen to base the powers of Wither itself.

So, like that, he created a human form with a Nether Star as a heart and source of powers. Giving a piece of his own code, he manage to create something as close as possible to Admin's powers, making the star unnaturally bright blue.

Due to Binta being the closest human to him, he made the prototype looking a bit like her, with the very same appearance factors.

That's how "Protocol: defend" was brought in the world.

Since it was his first ever human like creation, he didn't manage to create him as a full adult, instead spawning someone between a child and a teen.

When Binta discovered this, she quickly almost adopted poor thing, playing the role of older sister and naming him Gabriel.

"But why Gabriel?"

"I don't know, it's suits him."

So, like that, our Warroir had two parts of his life: learning to be a weapon and learning to be a human.

The first one was handled by Fred, who taught him how to code things, spawn features, use effects and ect., but he noticed one small strange detail: meanwhile Gabriel could spawn block in a small amount without a problems, he managed to create.. let's say, bright blue figures with different shapes: circles, triangles, cubes. It looked almost like ice, but without e texture, completely blue, leaving a small amount of light around it and discarding every physical law that existed. It was unnaturally durable, almost like bedrock, even Fred couldn't destroy it with Admin's powers from the first try. And it also did lots of damage, even Gabriel wanted it too. He could've pierce mob with a spike and not deal any damage, or kill it altogether.

The second option was handled be Binta: she taught him how to speak properly, read, count. Though she quickly discovered, that unlike other kids, he was an incredible fast learner and it didn't took him too long to become smarter than she is in some disciplines. That's when she decided instead teach him some human emotions, like kindness, compassion, mercy. They spent a lot of time together gathering supplies, playing with animals, talking to people. Waffles, the chicken, was adopted by Gabriel.

But no matter how hard she tried, he couldn't feel a full spectrum of human emotions. He was Always emotionless, giving a smile only after analyzing everyone else is smiling, becoming sad only after analyzing that she is sad, not having any hunger, not complaining about any pain even though he could feel it, he could bleed.

So, few years before the fight between Admins, Fred learnt how to switch mods. The main problem of Gabriel's behavior was the fact that he was created to protect, to defend. He was supposed to be fearless, emotionless, go till the very end. Like that, Fred created a "Protocol: defend" mode, that was activating by these very words. When the mode was turned was, his brains were losing connection to his power, basically deleting the constant idea of defend, leaving it empty to fill with actual emotions.

That's how Gabriel, we all know, was created.

The day when Romeo killed Fred, during another calibration settings, Romeo actually interrupted him, which lead to incidental memory deletion. Right before Romeo got his hands on Gabriel, Fred managed to teleport him away.

That's how Old Order found him. Clueless young man with amnesia, but excellent fighting skills and knowledge.

Gabriel was always abnormally string and tough, dealing with damage most people would've already die from, being too elastic, fast, with incredible reaction speed. But it only helped them, didn't it?

—

Bonus facts:

Xara didn't know about Gabriel either, because Fred didn't know who to trust.

He still left message for her in the last few days before death.

To activate Gabriel's both powers and memory back, you need to say "Protocol: defend."

It'll actually be harder for the gang to stop Romeo, since they will need to find Gabriel first.

Romeo doesn't know, that Gabriel actually is a weapon. He thought he's one of Fred's people.

C. Block was very negative towards Gabriel, sending electroshocks each time he tried to touch it.

His blood in activated mode is blue, while it's blue-red when he's badly injured.

He sees Binta as his older sister, meanwhile Fred is more of a mentor, than a father.

I think that's all for now, a other silly AU for y'all:P

#mcsm #minecraft story mode #mcsm gabriel #mcsm fred #mcsm binta #mcsm romeo #mcsm xara #mcsm admins #mcsm au #simpletalks

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proudfreakmetarusonikku · 11 months ago

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god i had more depressing rei thoughts.

so we know the second rei idolised gendo? and the third rei pretty clearly hated him? (which like. good on you girl he’s an abuser)

rei is a victim of grooming, both in a non sexual manner in her relation to her roles in gendo's plans, and she’s also heavily implied to have been also sexually groomed by him too. (i'll have to rewatch the series to write my whole analysis on rei as a sexual abuse victim, but if you want the summary as to why i believe this, it’s a mix of her lack of reaction to shinji accidentally sexually assaulting her, her general self objectification disassociation issues general lack of hygeine ect being all characteristics that are specifically common with victims of csa, and finally, like, that one scene in end of evangelion is framed like a rape scene for a reason like that’s a very obvious and direct metaphor)

each sentient rei clone (as in, the three we see in the series, not the soulless hundreds we see in the lcl tank) shares a soul. they’re the same person, even if they don’t have specific memories. so why the sudden shift? i mean, well, the obvious one is that she did kinda spend the last 23 episodes learning that her abuse wasn’t normal and fine. like. that was a whole thing. rei clearly has some vague recollection of things, since she has a sense of familiarity around gendo's glasses, even if she lacks the emotional response the second rei had, so she presumably at least has some idea that her abuse isn’t normal still.

but also like… the first rei was literally a toddler. of course she trusted her adoptive father, enough to repeat the inappropriate words he said to someone else bc she thought it was normal. (and i have Thoughts on that too, but again i am going to make a whole post on that eventually). the second rei was so isolated from the world she didn’t know how to express emotions at all. but the third rei was basically immediately just thrust straight into life without any time for her to be groomed into trusting gendo. she knows him, and has vague recollections of him, but she lacks the emotional bond she was manipulated into the other times. she’s looking at her abuser from an objective lens, and she’s able to see him for what he is.

idk just. thought that was both an interesting thought and sad as shit. rei ayanami suffered more than jesus.

#neon Genesis evangelion #rei ayanami #hope u like my Evangelion analysis posts this is how I talk about all media I like #Csa tw #grooming tw

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posebean · 1 year ago

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more rinkittys from the brilliant minds of bean and sana at ungodly hours

mostly kitty lore

more on rinkitty au

if formatted weirdly its because we literally played rinky tennis and popcorned everything in discord @sanaimissyou ily

NIKU KITTEN LORE

niku was at the cat cafe/adoption place because she was found with parents nowhere to be found hungry and small very very small (kinda like someone we know-) and so she knows what being alone is like and one day when she sees two people sit in and everyone else swarms one of the guys while the other is just. all alone and she doesn't like leaving people alone and for some reason she feels the need to go up to him so she breaks from the crowd and goes over on her little kitten paws and mewls , rubs her head against his knee "hi i'll be your friend" and when rinne sees her he cries

When Niki makes him leave her he tells her “I’ll come back for you” and she believes him and he visits her every now and then so she doesn’t forget him but she doesn’t really register what’s happening every time since she’s so small

Cat melodrama

It’s like 3 AM and there’s meowing in the living room and they think it’s just Niku with the zoomies but no she’s talking to a whole other cat

whole other cat is an alley cat that just passed by one day and saw her and Instantly fell in love and keeps trying to talk with her but Niku is having None of it

He keeps coming by and she eventually just warms up to him because he is. Kind of cute and very charming

the rizz is working

She saves some of her food for him sometimes ‘cause she learned to share food from her dad (Niki)

niki: niku why arent you finishing your food

niku: pacing around in front of the window, looking for other cat

Other cat comes by sometimes during the day when Rinne and Niki are out and other cat (she just calls him Nya-kun now ‘cause he doesn’t really have a name) offers to take her on a little city adventure since she doesn’t go out besides a small neighborhood area when Rinne and niki take her on walks

he takes her to his favorite spots and shows her so many things she has never seen and each place they stop at she falls a little more in love (nya-kun is already so in love he cant fall even more hes at full love)

He drops her off at home and she’s just so happy and purring and everything and good kitty things and Rinne and Niki have no idea why she’s like this but they can’t really complain

he comes by again and takes her out and it goes well at first but then they get into a fight with some other alley cats that does not go well; niku is okay and a little shaken but nya-kun is hurt and bleeding

She brings him back to the apartment and kinda tears some things and drawers apart looking for the first aid kit that she’s seen Rinne and Niki use and she’s trying her best to patch him up but Nya-kun’s sitting there thinking and kinda regretting everything ‘cause she got put in danger

nya~kun: i love her. I Love her. But I'm just an alley cat. she has a loving home, she doesn't belong out there. not on the streets. not with me. she's beautiful and everything ive ever dreamed of but i have to let her go.

niku panicking while trying to patch him up : nya-kun please stay my dads will help i dont know what to do but theyll know ! where are you going? theyll help you, i know they will!

Nya-kun says this isn’t gonna work out for them because she’s just not a street cat, it’s not safe for her out there and she should stay here, where she has a loving home and people who love her, and he thanks her for spending time with him and putting up with him and he leaves And Rinne and Niki come home like “Niku what the fuck happened you’ve never done this” ‘cause everything’s still a mess and she’s just sitting there

for the next few days she's so, so, sad at first she thinks he'll come by but he doesn't and doesn't the next day and doesn't the day after that or after that or after that but she still waits by the window with her food unfinished waiting for him and rinne and niki notice and are so worried because their baby is hurting and they have no idea why

In all her alone time she realizes that she had no say in his decision to leave her alone, and that it isn’t fair ‘cause he made the decision for her when she didn’t want it in the first place so she makes her own choice to go look for him A là “It’s my life I get to choose” Niki-style

so one day when she gets the confidence and niki and rinne are out at work she nudges the window open and jumps out and runs to every place she can remember him taking her , his fav spot by the pachinko, his fav place to take shelter in, etc, until she finds herself back in the same alley and face to face with the alley cats that had attacked them before. the alley cats recognize her and seeing that her companion isnt with her move to attack her for revenge because though he got hurt, he left a. number on them

Nya-kun jumps in at the last second and fights them off and he’s like “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here you don’t belong here!” (This is all in meows by the way) And Niku’s like “Even if I don’t belong here, you belong with me!” She can’t stand the thought of him fighting for his life while she’s just living comfy so she finally begs him to come home with her ‘cause

“Dad and dad will love you!!”

“How do you know that!?”

“Because I love you!!”

he's so absolutely speechless and starts sobbing (in meowspeak) and is like i love you but im just a street cat, and niku is like if you love me you will come home with me please and nya-kun FINALLY finally breaks down and moves forward slightly closes his eyes touches his nose to her's and gives out a breathless "okay"(meow) and she takes him home and they slip in through the window and sit in the living room cuddled up together waiting for her dads to come home

Anyways yeah that’s how they got the second cat (Rinne and Niki have no idea any of this happened btw [time period unspecified]) and Nya-kun is now called Rinnya-kun but Niku still calls him Nya-kun

and theyre still in love

another thing about niku being so tiny when she was at the cafe is that she doesn’t remember the one other friend she had at the cat cafe that was a tiny orange cat who ran away

that tiny cat was her only friend but he hated being in the cafe and ran away and she barely remembers anything but only knows she felt comfortable in that short time and for some reason the tall red haired guy reminded her of that cat

when the entire B plot ends up being more emotionally charged than the main plot

This entire thing is literally just Rinnya meeting his in-laws

and falling in love with he kitty wife

All cat dialogue is just meows with subtitles

“How do you know that!?” “Because I love you!!”

"Meow meow meow meow meoww?!" "Miaou miao mewl MIAOUW"

Imagine being someone walking by on the street like “what the hell is goin on over there”

Also Rinne and Niki have no idea ANY of this happened

MISC

Rinnya has a scar from that first fight since he left and didn’t let it heal properly and whenever Niki’s petting him he’s like “man where’d you get this scar from buddy”

niku takes time to lick it gently everytime they r cuddling. to show that she is thankful 4 him everyday and loves him so much

Licks are the kitty equivalent of kisses (which Rinne is. Still constantly shaming him for) but nose touches are way more personal for them

man literally went thru hell for her he deserves to be a slut (saved her life)

Rinnya: What the hell is a marriage is why is there no kissing before it, what is a “wife” Niku: I dunno, but dad calls dad his wife so I guess that means someone you just really really love a lot

Rinnya: I suppose you’re my wife then

niku: i guess i am~

niki: rinne-kun why are you slutshaming the cat again

rinne: u dont understand niki they are breaking the sanctity of marriage

niki: rinne-kun. they're cats. they dont understand the concept of marriage

rinne:

niki:. rinne-kun. they literally have CHILDREN

rinne:

niki: (sighs) will it make you happier if we throw them a mini ceremony? ill call kazehaya-kun

rinne: NO they are not marrying before us

Niki:

niki: but then they'll be still doing that thing you dont like

rinne:

rinne: niki never said no to us eventually marrying :)

niki:

niki: why do i love a man so stupid

Niki: Hey did you give Niku too many treats again, he looks like he’s getting rounder Rinnya: ……does dad not know you’re a girl

Rinne: ……OH uhhhhh Niki I forgot to tell you something—

rinnya: oh god i knew he was stupid (rinne) i didnt think it could get worse

they meet 14/17 (cat years)

11 months and 1 year and 3 months respectively

all the big stuff happens (when rinnya finally comes to live with her) 18/21 (cat years)

1 year and 4 months and 1 year and 8 months respectively

5 human month slowburn / 4 cat years slowburn

It takes place from the tail end of spring throughout the summer

8/03 when he finally lives with them

Rinnya is petty enough to call Niki dad and Rinne just Rinne

When they get married it’s “dad and his husband”

CW ANIMAL DEATH

the first time rinnya calls rinne dad is the last meow he says, a small "thanks dad"

Niku’s last little meows

To niki: stay happy with Dad, Dad

To Rinne: It’ll be okay, Dad

To Rinnya: I love you.

sad kitties cuz i like being in pain i guess

#enstars #rinniki #rinky #rinkittyau #cw animal death

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changingplumbob · 5 months ago

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Woods Household: Chapter 2, Part 12

The weirdest things happen at the community centres

CW: Low level sim spice. Content Warning Guide

With Reece in class Samir heads to the rec centre to meet up with his adopted brother Kawikani. Kawikani is feeling a bit neglected lately as their mum has gotten married and has less time to spend on them. Samir has invited him to work out as that’s the only thing he can think of doing where he won’t have to talk much.

Following class Reece has booked the gym to host a guided meditation but something tells him to go to the bathrooms first. From a side room it’s clear that someone is crying in the closet.

Reece: Uh… hello?

?: *sobbing* Go away

Reece: Do you need help

?: *sobbing* You can’t help me

Reece: How do you know if you won’t let me try

?: *sniffling* No one cares about me

Reece: I’m sure that’s not true

Reece: Just come out and we can talk about it

?: *sniffling* fine

Reece waits patiently and from the closet emerges everyone’s favourite neighbourhood aromantic, Joey.

Reece: Joey? That was you? What were you crying about?

Joey: The watcher doesn’t love me anymore

Reece: But Deanna always says you love the watcher

Joey: Of course I do, but she doesn’t love me

Reece: That’s why you’re sad?

Joey: No it’s not

Joey: *huffs* I’m sad because she put the Hopes and Fears mod back. Do you know what that does? It made everyone feel utterly unfulfilled and depressed because this save has been running for so long that all the background sims have low fulfillment from not being played and able to complete their whims. You’re active at the moment so she’s cleared it for you

Reece nods as if he understands but he has no idea what Joey is on about.

Joey: But she forgot she has meaningful stories! So she sees me spawn and clears fulfillment but I still have lingering sadness! It’s not fair! If she loved me she would yeet that mod out of the folder

Reece: Joey, let’s just take a step back and breathe

Reece: We both believe the watcher exists, to varying degrees, but don’t you think that if they're out there they will look after you in the long run

Joey: You’re right. Now that she’s seen me suffer she’ll delete it, I’m one tier below Devin after all

Reece: *still confused* right… Hey, I’m doing a meditation class, why don’t you come join and chill out huh

Joey: You’re right bro, you’re right. No chick will bang me if I cry all the time

Reece and Joey head towards the gym. Samir ropes Kawikani into the meditation and looks like Calista and Luna are here to!

Back home Samir cleans out the fridge and accidentally breaks the sink.

Samir: Fudge it!

Reece: You good?

Samir: Darn strength got the best of me

Reece: You’re a werewolf, it happens

Samir: No, it can’t happen. I need to know what my strength is doing

Reece: Are you worried about hurting me

Samir: I’m always worried about hurting you, that’s why I plan. Unexpected strength surges are hard to fit in to plans

Reece: Well if you really don’t want to hurt me…

Samir: What is it?

Reece: It’s the season premiere of Harrow Hospital tonight… if we got a TV we could watch it

Samir: You want a TV?

Reece: Not a big one but I am a geek and geeks like screens

Reece: And if you were serious about having my friends over-

Samir: I was

Reece: Then what better activity than a TV premiere?

Samir: Okay I hear you, what kind of tv do you want

Reece: Something that matches the vibe of the house. I’ve got to run to class, bye! Love you

He sprints out the door before Samir can tell him he has no idea about electronics. Luckily, someone else does. He calls up Deanna who is happy to help advise, even if she can’t believe they don’t need the fanciest model.

When he gets back Reece is delighted to see the TV perched in the corner of the lounge.

Reece: You got it for me!

Samir: Of course I did. What you want, you get. You ran out the door before I could say I love you to

Reece: You big softie

Samir: For you? *whispers* I’ll always be hard

Reece: *blushes* We better get some dinner ready, they’ll be here soon

Deanna arrives and excitedly tells Tamika and Noe that despite appearances this tv model can get all the network channels and has wifi for direct streaming of Harrow Hospital.

Samir hasn’t seen the previous seasons so Reece gives him character recaps for everyone that appears on screen.

Noe: Why invite us to watch if you’re going to talk the entire time

Reece: I just want Samir to be able to enjoy it

Tamika: Don’t worry, data wise Dr Hot should be taking his shirt off in the next two and a half minutes

Samir: Boring, I prefer blondes

Noe: *whispers to Deanna* He doesn’t mean me right

Deanna: Of course he doesn’t, he’s got Reece

Noe: Are you saying I’m unattractive

Tamika: SHHHH! The shirt is coming off

Previous ... Next

#sims 4 #the sims #the sims 4 #simblr #ts4 #my sims #active simblr #R0908 #SamirHadji #ReeceFoster #DeannaYork

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return-to-twisted-wonderland · 28 days ago

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🔆anon

“Now you done made me sad, 🔆”

Aww, so it looks like I’m achieving my goal. :3

No, but seriously one of the first things I pick when making a character is a struggle and then I make a world around that. I also try my best to make that world with understandable bounds so it comes off as realistic. So not only did I try to make all of their struggles unique, but they all have their own worlds that (hopefully) have reason behind them. (Please, I have so much going on in my head, ask me questions and I will be happy to share.)

I call it revenge because one single prompt has made my mind whirl like crazy and I’m going feral over half or more of the characters on this blog, not including my own.

—

So! For more revenge and sadness, who feeds into those beliefs the most:

Dusk - Other than him, there are so many more rumors going around saying that exact thing, so rumors from both NRC and the magicless world,

Domino - Not intentionally, but Deuce. He sees how similar he and Deuce are and thinks they would have been interchangeable at such a small age, so just seeing Deuce struggle where he never had to makes him feel horrible.

(2!)Canis - Vargas, but again, not intentionally. Kids know that if you look sad, you probably feel sad from something bad happening, and they are also really good at picking up on subtleties, so Vargas can’t hide his sadness as well as he thinks he is. The other teachers and his family members don’t help either because they all look at him, and only him, that way.

Kit - Her adoptive parents, of course. No one else now really does anything to feed into it, but she can get triggered when someone says anything similar to what her parents said, so that feeds into it. Though there is the idea that she was so unlovable she doesn’t deserve parents, so her biological parents also don’t help and Fellow’s stories can work similarly.

Toryn - The people who take advantage of him sometimes guilt trip him by saying Toryn owes them, is being greeds, etc., which feeds into his beliefs.

Dekker - Azul did for about the bit of the school year, though he stopped consciously doing it and even tried to fix it. There is also Cater and Trey. Cater acts so fickle, flippant, and just shallow that Dekker is certain he may leave. Since he and Trey are so close, Trey feeds into it accidentally by making Dekker believe Cater would choose Trey over him.

Ruse - The High Priests, definitely. But other than them, and of course himself, no one. Everyone, even the rumors try and say he’s not, but he’s been through a lot of brainwashing and abuse that it’s deeply cemented and not going to come out easy. Especially since this is his first year actually being outside the temple since he got there. (He’s been physically outside but never left the grounds.)

Trinity - Everyone from the magicless world and just general news stories about horrible things. Then later the overblots and the damage they cause.

Malynne - The people from the magicless world, but also Lilia. Lilia’s constant enabling keeps her bad habits coming and only cements her beliefs, he always accepts help and tells her that it’s always beneficial, so it makes it worse even if Lilia tries to says she doesn’t always need to help to be worth something. Actions speak louder than words.

YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SAD, 🔆!

THEREFORE YOU ALWAYS ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL!

#twisted wonderland #return home au #🔆anon #malynne draconia #trinity clover #dusk vanrouge #domino spade #canis woods vargas #kit honest #toryn leech #dekker diamond #ruse rosehearts

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whatsevengoingonanymore · 6 months ago

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Haven’t been on this god forsaken site since 2019. But I’m back haters love to see me crawling back to the hell site.

I got my heart broken in April. Wasn’t anything serious. Honestly I don’t think I have the right to feel this shitty about how it all played out. It’s not like I knew him for years, made a life together only for it to come crumbling down on a random Tuesday afternoon. I knew him for maybe a month and didn’t like the idea of being an option to him when he told me there was someone else in the running to be something more with him. And I told him I didn’t want to be an option. And I should’ve just left after he said he felt it in his gut that he should still see her. I probably scared him off with how I nagged and prodded at him just to hear him say he liked her more.

Months later and I still feel shitty about the whole situation. Because nothing got better for me. Sure I progressed in my career, moved into a better apartment, tried new hobbies, spent time with old and new friends, everything you’re supposed to do when you get your heartbroken. Life moved on but I was still alone. I have friends and family who love me. I meet new people everyday, I make conversation, I laugh with them, I make a connection it’s literally part of my job and I’m good at it. But when I tried to move on through the apps I got nothing. Sure I got a few matches, more than I care to admit. Eventually you get tired of the game and just swipe right on everyone hoping something happens. Talked to a few guys. I had hope for a few of them. But none of them went anywhere. They all went silent on me. Rinse and repeated my same cycle of showing my friends the messages and asking them if I had said something wrong and the same result came up: I did everything right. And they did everything right. I wasn’t right for them, I guess.

Co worker tried to set me up with one of their family members. Also has gone nowhere. My love life is going nowhere. And it sucks because for the past year every guy I’ve gone on a date with that seemed like we were doing well ended up the same. The guy in October went back to his ex. The guy in January went back to his ex, but then broke up but I still never heard from him after that. And April ended up dating the girl he had a gut feeling about the whole time. The whole time he was telling me “you make me smile and laugh easily.” The whole time he told me “we get along and vibe on a lot of things.” The whole time when I admittingly asked “if she was prettier than me. I ask because I’m crazy.” and he looked at me with the softest look, rested his head on his car seat headrest, and told me “no.”

Maybe I’m over analyzing it but that look wouldn’t leave my mind for days. I don’t know if it was butterflies or the after shock of a gut punch but it stuck. I think I said something after that. I can’t remember exactly but I think I told him something along the lines of “fuck you don’t look at me that way.” And I think I said something else that made us both laugh. Then I immediately started crying because I hated that even in a serious moment like that he still made me laugh.

This is so emo and 8th grade of me to do but god damn it. I’m sick of this feeling and I wish I never met him. October and January were easy to push out of my mind. It was so easy to move onto the next or focus on the next steps in my career. I can still focus on my career and friendships but it creeps in. That feeling. That sinking feeling that I’ll be okay in my career and friendships. I’ve already accomplished so much, not to brag, but it is impressive or so I’ve been told. But I did it alone. There’s a scene in The French Dispatch by Wes Anderson that sums up my feelings on the matter. (I know. Of course this bitch is a Wes Anderson fan its painfully obvious if you ever see me on the streets)

“There is a particular sad beauty, well known to the companions, foreigners he walks the streets of his adopted preferably moonlit city in my case on me, France. I have so often shared the day's glittering discoveries with...no one at all. But always, somewhere on the avenue or the boulevard, there was a table set for me. A cook, a waiter, a bottle, glass, a fire. I chose this life. It is a solitary feast that has been very much a comrade, my great comfort and fortification.”

Maybe I chose this life on a cosmic level. My last heartbreak before threw me into a spiritual journey, for the best in the latter half of the journey but the beginning was shameful and humiliating. Somewhere in the journey I read that we, as spiritual divine beings, chose our human life. Why I chose this one I’ll have to take up with God who may or may not be myself.

Anyways this has gotten way off course. If you made it this far thanks.

TLDR: I’m the problem lol

#personal vent

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im-no-jedi · 2 years ago

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MLWTBB: Master and Commander

Part 11 of the “My Life With The Bad Batch” series, a (mostly) canon compliant self-insert story set in “The Bad Batch”

rated: T warnings: descriptions of food and eating, implied self-harm, gun violence relationships: Hunter/self-insert, Omega & self-insert (adopted siblings), The Bad Batch & self-insert chapter word count: 1900+ words

✨MLWTBB masterlist✨

summary: when Hannah’s already hectic life becomes almost too much to bear, Master Gildish gifts her a new companion to help ease the burdens, as well as give Hannah a new friend to live with. however, the Bad Batch are not so thrilled with Hannah’s new robotic ally, which causes major tension in Hannah’s relationship with Echo and Hunter.

notes: I made myself cry again with this one haha. I have no problem admitting a lot of my inspiration for Clank came from the movie “Short Circuit”. my love of robot characters in general is because of that movie, so I guess Clank (and Buddy and Gildish) is my little love letter to it (and all equally lovable robot characters, like Wall-E, the Iron Giant, and of course, the other droids in SW, just to name a few) 🥰

also, if you squint and look, this particular chapter was greatly influenced by a specific episode of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; that’s all I’ll say 😜

A/N: this story has not been proofread by anyone other than myself. so apologies for any uncaught errors 😬

previous chapter

Chapter 9: Just A Dumb Droid

______________________________________________________________

It was a sad time. The gloomy, cloud-filled skies of Ord Mantell made the already unpleasant atmosphere even more off-putting. Despite being in the early afternoon, the streets were dark and had a sense of despondency that would make even the most hardened individual uncomfortable. For some, that would manifest as fear or dread. But for others, it would simply put them in a downcast mood.

Clank was already in that place. His long, snout-like head hadn’t lifted since leaving Cid’s Parlor, and his flat, cone-shaped hat drooped over his round black eyes, casting a dismal shadow across them. Had anyone wandering the streets known he was a Battle Droid, perhaps they would’ve been intimidated by his shadowed appearance. But he kept the cloth that had been fashioned into a cloak wrapped tightly around his body, if only to give himself some sort of comfort. He honestly didn’t care if anyone recognized him, despite Hannah’s warnings.

It all made sense now why she wanted him hidden in the first place. He was a killer, after all.

The market was still fairly busy at that time of day, which made it easier for Clank to blend in with the crowd. He wasn’t actively looking for trouble, but with everything Hannah had warned him about, it was only a matter of time before some sort of trouble found him first.

“I’d deserve it,” he told himself after questioning if someone might attack him on the street.

How many of these people would try to kill him once they found out what he was? The only thing keeping him from finding out was pure fear. The aggressive looks he’d gotten from the Clones were enough to terrify him into keeping his identity hidden. For now, at least.

A small gust blew past and rustled his cloak, which he still clung to protectively. His other hand grabbed the rim of his large hat to keep it from blowing away, and he gave a low sigh once it had passed.

“What am I even doing out here?” he questioned himself.

But he already knew the answer. He had nowhere else to go. The only other place he thought of going was back to Master Gildish’s workshop, but he had no idea of how to even get there.

Maybe someone would be kind enough to give him directions. Not that he deserved their kindness. But it was still worth asking, if only so he wasn’t bothering anyone else wandering the streets with him.

“Excuse me,” Clank said after coming up to one of the stalls.

The stall-owner turned around and greeted Clank with a smile. Clank recognized them immediately from the day before. “Oh, hello again!” they cheerfully replied. “How’s that hat treating you?”

“Oh, uhh, fine! Great, actually! No problems with it so far!”

“Well that’s wonderful to hear. I knew that one would be a perfect fit for you.”

“It certainly does fit me perfectly!” Clank adjusted the hat for emphasis.

“You know,” the stall-owner said as they placed a few stray hats on a rack. “I have to thank you, honestly.”

“For what?” Clank asked, curiously cocking his head.

“I don’t often get a lot of business, much less business as pleasant as you are. It really was a breath of fresh air working with you yesterday. I’ve never had anyone so enthusiastic as you come ‘round here!”

Clank turned a bit sheepish and grabbed the back of his long neck shyly. “Aww... well you were very helpful, so thank you too!”

“Oh, it was my pleasure.” The stall-owner gave Clank a cheerful smile, which only made him turn more bashful. “You let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you, ok?”

“Ok!” A few seconds of silence went by before Clank remembered why he was there in the first place. “Oh, by the way, do you know the way to Master Gildish’s workshop?”

“Ol’ Gildish? Yeah, he’s a ways down from here.”

The stall-owner gave Clank directions to the workshop, and Clank kindly thanked them for their help before making his way in that direction.

“What a nice person,” Clank thought to himself as he walked. “It’s too bad I probably would’ve killed them during the war...”

Despite the nice interaction, Clank’s thoughts still lingered on his own transgressions of the past. How could anyone be so kind to something that was created for destruction? Granted, they didn’t know what he truly was under that hat they’d given him. And if they did, would they still have been so kind? So what if he had been friendly to them first? He was only that way because Master Gildish had wiped his original programming... right?

Something suddenly bumped Clank in the foot as he was walking, and it knocked him out of his thoughts. He looked down to see a small round object lying next to his foot.

“Oops! Sorry!” A shrill voice called out to him. Clank turned to see a young girl, even smaller than Omega, meekly standing off the side of the street. Several other children were gathered near her, equally sheepish. Their clothes were quite dirty, which wasn’t surprising considering the filthy state of the streets.

After staring at the orb for a moment, Clank bent down and picked it up. He gave it a good look over to make sure it wasn’t damaged, then called back to the girl, “no problem! Here ya go!”, as he held out the orb in her direction.

The girl seemed a bit nervous at first, but after some encouragement from the other children, she walked over to Clank and enthusiastically took the orb from his hands. “Thanks, mister!” she said, staring up at him with a grateful smile.

“Happy to help!” Clank gave her a small salute, and the girl giggled before skipping back to the other children, who waved at Clank as he walked away from them.

“Such sweet children,” Clank internally mused as he heard the sounds of the children laughing behind him. “I’m sure I would’ve tried killing them during the war too...”

The more Clank thought about the war, the more he wondered exactly what his purpose was back then. He knew he was a Commander, but of what? Other droids? And what were his commands? For all he knew, his sole purpose was to kill anything and anyone that stood in his way. That’s what the Clones had indicated to him anyway.

Was that really his sole purpose? To kill? To destroy?

What else could he do?

Some rustling in a nearby alley suddenly drew Clank’s attention. At first, he thought it was a person getting ready to pop out and attack him. He instinctively pulled his cloak tighter against his body and took a defensive position. Nothing was coming out of the alley, although there did seem to be some movement around a stack of crates.

Upon closer inspection, Clank discovered a few rodent-like creatures rummaging through the crates. One of them had a piece of rotted food in its mouth, and Clank let out a sigh of relief.

“Boy, you really gave me a scare there, little guy!” he said to the creature.

The little rodent stared at Clank curiously for a moment, its tiny pink and brown nose twitching. Then it scurried off the crate and into a dark corner with its mouth still full of food.

Then Clank heard some soft squeaking noises coming from one of the other crates. Another rodent creature was perched at the edge and frantically wiggling around, like it was anxious about something. Clank watched it for a moment and saw that it kept peeking inside the crate, so he did the same.

To his surprise, another rodent creature was lying in the crate, unmoving, but shivering like mad. Claw marks lined the sides of the crate, like something had been trying to get out.

“Aww, you poor thing,” Clank said as he peered down at the shivering creature.

Very gently, Clank reached into the crate and cupped his hands around the little rodent. It continued to shiver as he pulled it out, while the one perched on the edge was squeaking like crazy at him.

“Don’t worry,” Clank reassured the anxious one. “I’m just helping your friend get free. See?”

With that, he unfurled his hands to reveal the shivering creature to the other, who began squeaking more at the sight of it. Clank very gently sat the creature down on another nearby crate that was shut, and the squeaking rodent hopped over to greet its friend excitedly. Although still a bit shaken, the newly freed rodent hobbled onto its feet to give the other a few sniffs before the two rodents curled around each other with happy squeaks.

“Awwww,” Clank cooed at the sight of them. “Glad you’re together again! Stay safe, little guys!” He gave the rodents a salute, then headed back out into the street again, listening happily to the contented squeaks behind him.

“I wonder if even those little guys wouldn’t have survived the war,” Clank pondered to himself. “Probably not, considering how terrible I was...”

Clank had fully convinced himself by then that there was no hope for him. The war was over, and he no longer had a purpose. What does one do after no longer serving the purpose they were created for?

Hannah knew. She had told him already. “You’re really not much different from the Clones,” she’d said to him the day before. Clank asked what she meant by that, and she very plainly said both he and the Clones were created for war purposes. “Forced soldiers”, she’d called them, made to fight in a war they had no real opinion of. And now, that war didn’t even exist anymore.

The Clones had been able to find a new purpose for themselves, so why shouldn’t Clank be any different?

The words of the pale Clone with a scomp arm began to fill Clank’s memory now, like a holovid changing from one scene to the next. “Nothing will change the fact that that droid was a killer.” A “dumb droid”, he’d called him. And that’s really all he was. He’d messed things up with Hannah’s family, like the dumb droid he was.

Hannah didn’t need him. She had her family to take care of her, after all.

And if Hannah didn’t need him... did anyone really need him?

It wasn’t that far to Master Gildish’s workshop by then. But Clank didn’t feel a need to go there anymore. What good would it do? All he would do is be a bother, a nuisance, a “dumb droid”.

So instead, Clank meandered off the beaten path into another dark alley. Garbage littered the ground, and a few of the rodent creatures scurried away as he approached. A crate just big enough for him to sit on sat in the darkest and dankest corner of the alley. With a heavy sigh, Clank sat down on the crate, letting his hat droop over his face solemnly.

“I won’t bother anyone here,” he said to himself in a sluggish tone. “I just hope... Master Hannah... will be happy again...”

The alley went quiet, save for the soft rustling of the rodents in the garbage. A gentle wind blew through and rustled the cloak wrapped around Clank’s body. But he didn’t move. Clank’s body now sat motionless, like a statue positioned on one of the crates.

Like a soldier with no war to fight in and no purpose in life.

[next chapter]

#the bad batch #star wars the bad batch #self-insert #selfshipping #if anyone knows the episode I'm referencing I'll write you anything you want #and no Ham this doesn't include you LOL #star warz #my storiez

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