#she kicks his ass in the axe department

[karlachismylife]

Okay but imagine this: if task force 141 get thrown into Faerûn just as they are (i dunno, a portal opens up during a mission for neutralizing a huge dnd cultist-terrorist organization, whatever), with their ammunition, gear, guns etc. They quickly realize that the guns are kinda useless, because there is no way to supply them with bullets etc and then again, the fuck is your rifle gonna do against a literal fireball or a revived skeleton. But they can't just drop them, because who knows who's gonna find them and do what; but if they keep carrying those around, maybe they'll find a way to adapt their firearms to the new reality. And finally, they are still hoping to get back home... at least in the beginning.

And this is how Soap's sniper rifle becomes just a fancy toy. He still takes care of it, but there's no point in using it... until he catches Karlach's curious look while he's busying his hands (fella gotta fidget) with cleaning up this intimidating (at least it was) weapon. Karlach knows a good weapon when she sees one even if she has never seen anything like this before; she's both fought barehanded and seen how far mechanics can go in terms of ways to kill someone. And this polished beauty with a ton of little interesting details in construction is definitely a good weapon.

Soap is beaming when Karlach asks to show and explain how it works. He goes over the whole mechanism, gives her a three hours speech about different types of firearms, nearly starts a chemistry lesson on gunpowder and draws schemes with a stick on the ground to explain all the physics of a good shot. He wouldn't even notice if Karlach dozed off in the middle of this tirade. But Karlach surprises everyone, including herself, by staying extra attentive this whole time. Her head might hurt a little from trying to stuff all this information inside at once, but she senses Johnny's passion about the subject and it's contagious.

And then Soap asks her, giving her a heavy friendly slap on the shoulder: "Wanntae have a go?"

"Aye, soldier, don't have to ask me twice!" Karlach's already picked up a little of his accent and it earns her a cheeky smile from Soap, but what really makes him beam and jump to his feet immediately with his rifle in hand is that she's ecstatic to go and try shooting this thing.

They move a little away from camp so that they won't startle anyone there or draw unnecessary attention to the location and choose a target, a fallen tree trunk on one side of a large clearing. Soap gets into position and that pretty shiny thing in his arms goes boom, slicing a teeny tiny branch that was sticking out on the trunk clean off.

Karlach is hot with excitement, buzzing while Johnny explains her how to get into the right shooting position and what needs extra attenion when making a shot. He shoots one or two more times before her impatience gets to him and he scoots to the side, offering her a place behind the gun. Karlach copies his pose as best as she can, a good straight line and not much leaning forward. She is a soldier, a good one, she can follow instructions and handle the recoil, but what hurts her performance is... that same impatience. That beautiful SP-X 80 goes off in her hands almost immediately and although Karlach doesn't miss that poor tree entirely, the bullet lands nowhere near the spot Soap pointed out as target. Aww, dammit, soldier.

Soap doesn't seem upset in the slightest though (if anything, he is trying to keep his eyes off her ass, presented to him like a birthday cake). He just moves closer again and adjusts Karlach's grip on the handle, keeping his hands on her and using this lesson as a shameless excuse to get his paws all over the excited tiefling while he makes her calm down her breathing and watch that little cross in them complex optics.

"Close yer een, bonnie, take a couple breaths... aye, just like tha'. Is the reticle still on target? Good, now breathe out again 'n' when ye get that wee pause in yer body… shoot."

Maybe it's not entirely fair for him to ask Karlach to breathe normally when his calloused hand is right there on her back, touching her (touching her!) under the excuse of showing that lowest point in breathing when the trigger should be pulled. But they are not in a competition and good for her: despite following instructions to a t she can't seem to master it. She doesn't miss every single attempt, but her aim is clearly off. Her tail gives away her disappointment in shots landing slightly off target and coils around Johnny's ankle as he crouches next to Karlach laid out there in a proper prone position and watches her with a twinkle in his blue eyes.

When the last bullet they took with them shatters dead wood almost, almost right where she wanted, Karlach sighs and rolls on her side, quickly noticing how cozy her tail got with Soap's leg and untangling it as if nothing happened.

"Dinnae worrie, soldier, aim gets better wi' practice." Karlach earns another friendly slap on her shoulder and the faintest frown that hid in her brows immediately goes away, replaced by a toothy grin.

"Practice, eh, mate?" She repeats, and Johnny already knows she's got something on her mind. "Wanna go throw axes then?"

[snowgoldwaylon]

Ring of Fire - Alex Mason X Reader

Mason saves you from an apartment fire. Are you happy? No. But, did you just meet a very attractive man? Yes.

TW: Strong language, fire, eventual fluff!

"Alex Mason! Meet me in my office please!' Is what Mason heard after a long, hard, and hot training.

Mason felt anxiety by the way his drill sergeant spoke to him like that. So, Mason hauled ass to the office, and stood professionally until the drill sergeant finally came in.

"Ma'am" Mason said with confidence, in attention.

"At ease Lieutenant. Now, take a seat. I have something to discuss with you." She said, sitting down and pulling a file out.

Mason took a seat, and watched her pull a thick, yellowish file from her desk. She opened it and layed out several pieces of paper in front of Mason so he could see everything. He took a closer look and saw something for the local fire department, a look of confusion clouded his face.

"Lieutenant Mason, you are being asked to take part in giving a hand to the Fair Banks Fire Department. Their chief has been layed off for a while due to a recent building fire, and they need men. And you just so happen to be the perfect candidate for helping out!" The drill sergeant said, pulling out a cigarette.

Mason was hesitant, he didn't know how to feel. He was afraid that he might fuck up and get someone hurt. Or worse, killed. But, he already worked in that part of the field. One mistake and it means death.

"Drill Sergeant Rivers, I don't have the proper training for this kind of thing. So why am I being picked?" He questioned.

She hit her cigarette and exhaled. She shot a glaring look back at him, while reaching for a pen nearby.

"Mason, they wouldn't just send you in with no training. They are offering on the job skills training and certification. You provide won't even be working there for very long anyways, they just need help until the Chief comes back. So that means, you'll be chief Alex Mason for a whole three months!" Rivers spoke, ashing her cigarette.

Rivers slid him a pen, and gave a devious smile. She pointed to the words on the contract as she spoke.

"We'll still be paying what you make here hourly, and they will also pay you for the position. You'll receive a work vehicle, and housing options if you are interested. But, if you will, please sign here, and here. And then finally, date this at the bottom."

Mason sighed, and grabbed the pen.

"I really hope this isn't a stupid idea, Drill Sergeant Rivers. I'll still have my position here in the Marines, right?" Mason asked.

"Of course, Lieutenant. You are the best of the best. Besides, I don't think Frank would last very long without you." She said with a chuckle.

Mason signed the papers, and slid them back over to Rivers. She quickly and carefully tucked them away safely into the left pocket of the folder, and set it off to the side.

"Thank you, Mason. The Fire Department is going to welcome you with open arms, and everyone is going to greatly appreciate what you are doing. Now, why don't you get on out of here and head over to the Fire Department. The director is anticipating your arrival at 0700 hours. You are dismissed."

Mason stood up, and quickly saluted Rivers. He turned on his heel, and gathered his things. Woods come up to him and patted his back. Mason looked back at Frank.

"Man, what was that about? Sounded like you were in some hot ass water. Did she find out about last weeks breakout?" Woods asked with a smirk.

Mason slapped him, and told him to stay quiet. Mason rolled his eyes, and started walking. Woods followed close.

"No, she didn't. I actually have gotten assigned to something new all together, but just for 6 months. So it looks like you'll be a lone wolf until I get back." Mason said.

"Wait, where in the fuck are you going? And when the hell are you comin' back??" Frank asked as they stepped into the elevator.

Mason clicked up, and the doors shut. It took them up to ground parking.

"I'm filling in for a Fire Chief for a while, I got personally hand picked for the job is what I got told."

"Well brother, you can't argue with that. We are still gonna have boys night on Friday's, right?" Frank asked, before getting out at where the elevator stopped.

Mason laughed, and nodded.

"Of course man, as always. Bring a 30 pack this time!" He shouted to Frank as the door closed.

"My ass!" Frank called out.

Mason patiently waited as it took him up. The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. He walked to his pickup truck and got in. He slammed his door shut and laid his head back onto his seat.

'I hope I don't fuck up.' Was all he repeated to himself.

Months later......

Mason was heading to his office with a newly made friend, Dixon. Dixon was a higher up who worked with everyone, so he frequented Mason. They had coffee in hand, and were ready for safety reports.

"Oh shit, Dix. Do you remember any information on the structure at the controlled burn on the corner of Euclid and Odin we did? I need details for my JHA but I can't recall shit for some fucked reason." Mason asked as they both sat down.

"I can tell you that it had 5 stories, and over 50 apartments in it. Oh, it stood next to Crane Run Bakery. The ignition was faulty wiring, right?" Dixon responded.

"No, it was a gas line pipe. The faulty wiring happened at that bowling alley on Curtis Avenue. But thank you, hopefully I can get this JHA filled out how I should!" Mason said.

Dixon went on with Mason for about 30 minutes about baseball and football. Mason filled out his paperwork, ordered new parts for gear and trucks, and inspected everything with a fine tooth comb. It was a normal night shift for the fire crew, until the alarm system began to wail.

"We have a structure fire on Linden Ave, at 26435 Linden. Possible civilians trapped." Dispatch called through the speakers.

Within minutes, the whole shift was suited up and already in the truck and headed Northbound. Mason was behind the wheel, lights and sirens at full blast. The roads were dead at this time, minus the few cars that happened to be out at 2 AM.

"Dispatch, tell me what we're looking at. I have another truck enroute to said location, and about three ambulances. How high are flames?" Mason asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Dispatch here, we have flames about 20 feet up and rising. Recommend you get here quick."

"10-4." Mason responded.

They reached the fire within minutes. When they pulled up the fire was quickly engulfing anything in it's way. Mason knew what needed to be done. But right now, they needed a buidling sweep for any possible trapped people.

"Dixon, set up a crew to stay on hoses, bring about four out and hookup. My team, your with me! We are going in!" Mason said.

Mason put on his face gear, and quickly looked around for a way in. He spotted a perfect way in through a safe looking way. He quickly pointed his team that direction, and headed in. He always made sure to go ahead of his crew so he could determine what was happening.

He got in, midst the hot heat, heavy flames, and the small mist screen of water he'd feel periodically. He lead the way, and began to check every corner and possible place to hide he could. They swept the buidling for a grand total of 30 minutes before Mason determined it was clear.

"Head back everyone. Everything is clear, no indication of anyone." Mason said through the radio.

Everyone headed outside, Mason being left so he could check more. By now, the flames were out. The only thing left was smoking ruble and hot ashes. Mason carefully looked around, and looked even closer at a piece of burnt wood that was beginning to move.

Without thinking, he pulled it back, and revealed a small door that had shut, but by either luck or circumstance, hadn't been burned. Mason soon heard pounding on the metal door, and he went to open it. But it was behind blocked by something.

He struggled to open it completely, the pounding was now more frequent. He pulled with all his might, but it wouldn't budge. He could hear the sounds of a female crying, and begging for the door to be opened. Mason's adrenaline kicked in at this moment.

"I found a live one! Bring in a large ax for me, this damn for isn't opening!" Mason shouted into the radio.

"Miss, I'm going to need you to step away as far as you can from the door! We are going to cut it open! Shield your face until I get you!" Mason yelled.

He took out his small ax, and began to chop away at the hinges. But, the small ax could stand no chance against the hard metal. Instead, he quickly turned and saw Dixon with the industrial ax. He took it, and with brute strength, he swung done with control and accuracy.

The hinges slowly began to break away, until finally the door popped right off. Mason gave the ax back, and quickly threw the door off. He looked back down inside, and saw a girl about his age, coughing her lungs out. He wasted no time, and held his hand out.

She took it, and Mason lifted her out. He quickly adjusted her so she'd be against his back, to where he kept a good grip on her and carried her out. She was covered in black ash and soot, and was damp with water and sweat from the heat.

Once they were out, Mason quickly sat the girl on the gurney and took his respirator off. He secured it around her face, and up to her mouth and nose. The fresh oxygen would help her with breathing, seeing as if her lungs just went through extreme stress.

"Are you alright? Is there anybody else down in that basement?" Mason asked once her breathing returned to normal.

She looked at him, and slipped the mask off.

"No, it was just me. I was just trying to do my laundry for work, and that's when the door slammed shut and I couldn't get out....."

Mason felt a pang in his heart for this beautiful lady.

"Well, you are alright now. We are going to have EMS check you out, and ride you to the hospital to run standard tests." Mason said, giving a smile.

He took his respirator back and turned on his heels. He walked away to regroup with his crew, and Dixon. They cleaned up best they could, and headed back to the station for a shower and change of clothes.

Months After....

Mason sat in the town sqaure, drinking a coffee in his uniform. He was sat on one of the square benches, reading the paper as he waited on Woods. It was Friday, they were going to play poker after a long, exhausting week.

"Excuse me, sir? May I sit with you?" A voice said.

Mason looked up from his paper, and confusion hit him. A familiar looking face flooded his view, but he just couldn't place it. Her face had small bandaids, and a few purple bruises.

"Well, of course. Do I know you?" He questioned.

She sat down, only then did Mason notice the green box in her beat up hands.

"My name is Y/N Y/L/N, you actually saved my life in a fire on Linden street, I talked to a man named Dixon at the fire house to where I could find you.....I have something for you here." She said, handing it to him.

"No Miss, I can't take that. I was just doing my job, I don't need a reward. Seeing you alive and breathing is reward enough." Mason said.

She pushed the small box towards him. The smile on her face was warm, and made Mason feel butterflies.

"Please, I insist." Was all she said.

Mason took the box and opened the lid. Inside was a beautifully made chocolate cake, all kinds of different snacks, and a check of $15,000 dollars.

"Miss, no, I can't. This is way too much money, I will not take it." Mason said, putting it back.

"Please sir, I don't mind. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. It would mean so much to me. If anything, please donate it to your firehouse." Y/N said.

"I will do just that then. We've been needing new parts for months...."

Mason looked back up at Y/N, and smiled.

"I'm Alex Mason by the way, I'm glad to see you are recovering well. Maybe I could take you to dinner sometimes?" He asked slyly.

You chuckled, and nodded.

"Of course, I'd love that.

Taglist: @smokeywhalee @kapanovangswife @americas-monster @wennbergbabe @direwolfspostsrandomshit @kazazure @draw-with-eri @scumbagg @silomotism

[thefairyletters]

Suigetsu x Sakura?? 👀

Ask me a ship:

SuiSaku

Who proposed the other first?

Suigetsu.

He often proposed to Sakura, flattered her and tagged along with her at any and every opportunity. It wasn't until he kissed her on one of their dates (not that Sakura knew they were dates) that Sakura finally realised he had meant everything he said. With Suigetsu, its hard to tell for her when he is serious and when he isn't. He is worse than Naruto in that respect. Of course she said yes to him.

So when they met up with others the next time, it was Sasuke who took one look at them and muttered something suspiciously about how they were so annoying.

Who kissed the other first?

Suigetsu.

Sakura wouldn't have realised he existed otherwise.

Who gives a good-morning kiss to other?

Sakura.

Unlike Suigetsu who works part-time at Tenten's weapon shop as a weapon engineer and isn't required to show up to work as early as 6 in the morning, Sakura has a hospital to manage and therefore is expected to leave late and arrive early. He is a heavy sleeper and she knows he wouldn't wake even if the village were to get attacked in the middle of the night. So if she gets emotional every morning because he looks like an angel in his sleep and showers him with light kisses because she feels like the luckiest women in the world, he doesn't know any of it. Not that she wants him to, it'd be embarrassing if he realises she cries every morning over him.

Who likes to play footsies?

Not footsies but...

Suigetsu loves biting her ankles, wrists, and anything of her thats fits his mouth. It might be a kiri thing, to mark people as their own, is what Sakura thinks about his fetish. Nevermind that Sakura loves being marked by him.

Of course she heals it all in the morning. Suigetsu doesn't mind because he gets to bite again. Well, when Sakura allows him.

Who is the dominant one?

Suigetsu.

For all his lean figure, he is stronger than everyone gives him credit for. You can't hold up a huge ass sword being weak. As much as Sakura enjoys pinning him, he almost always flip the roles without much effort. Not that she minds but she never goes down without a fight.

Simply put, their bed becomes their preferred battlefield.

Who likes to keep a picture of the other with them all the time?

None.

Both of them are more or less always in the village, and whenever Sakura is assigned a solo mission, Suigetsu accompanies her as her selfassigned partner. Kakashi lets them go together because if he doesn't grant permission Suigetsu would nag Sasuke (or Karin) who in turn would come straight to him and complain until he either send them away on a mission or permits them to kill him.

Sakura never minds him tagging along on her missions because she knows he knows she is capable of handling herself and only joins her because he will be bored without her. That and Karin had once specially, desperately, requested her to take all her belongings with her when she takes on a mission.

It is only after they have children that Suigetsu stops accompanying her on missions to take care of their baby girls.

Who likes to buy the other gifts?

No one.

To Suigetsu, material things hold little value. There's not much that excites him besides swords. When she once got him a stolen sword, which absolutely thrilled him, only to spend two hours listening to him rant and rave about the poor condition of the sword and how could they, to this little baby, really??? No worries I'll treat you like a princess Ah no, sorry love, but Sakura is my only queen. Regardless to say, she never got him another sword.

To Sakura, the first and last material gift he's ever got her is his own sword. He taught her Kenjutsu so she could take it with her on days he wouldn't be with her. He says she is a horrible swordsman, but they both know she has beaten him with his own sword more times than he is willing to admit. She rarely uses it on missions – always choosing to go for her versatile axe – but she always keeps it with her.

Who takes initiative in making physical contact?

Sakura.

She has always been a romantic. It took her an embarrassingly long time to figure out Suigetsu actually liked her. Holding back had been easy when they were friends, but when they moved in together as soon as they began to date, it became a challenge for Sakura to keep her distance. Their relationship isn't completely based on lust. As much as they love their bedroom moments, but they also equally enjoy the private moments where they do nothing but cuddle in their couch, take care of their weapons and watch reruns of their favourite movies.

She finds his eyes to be the most beautiful pair of eyes she's ever seen and hates it when his bangs hide them from her view. She always brushes his hair aside whenever she could so she could look into his eyes a little more. Suigetsu knows she has a thing for eyes, especially his eyes, so he grows out his bangs and never makes any effort to pin it away from his eyes.

Who plans their dates?

No one.

Their date nights is just them drinking and dancing their night away at their favourite bar every weekend.

Suigetsu is the only person she's come across who has almost beaten her at drinking. Turns out, Kiri men are exceptionally good at drinking. No wonder Tsunade and Mei had intense competition going on between them.

Who was shy on their first date?

Sakura.

When he kissed her to drill into her that he actually liked her, she was floored. He took her out to a bar he knows she has never been to before – mostly because it was on more expensive side of things and she was relatively an economical person. She was unsure if this was the kind of setting she preferred for a date and had felt incredibly guilty that she wasn't enjoying herself when he was doing it all to give her a good time. They had a drink respectively – Sakura chose the cheapest drink on the menu which still costed more than what she spends on her drinks per month.

Suigetsu could tell she was uncomfortable and was worried if she didn't enjoy his company. He decided to do what he knew would cheer her up as a last ditch effort to open her up to him. All their doubts evaporated when he somehow convinced dj to play her favourite slow songs so they could dance to it. He has asked her to dance with him many times but never on slow, romantic songs that she knew he didn't like. She thought she fell in love with him for first time by the time first song ended.

Soon Suigetsu realised it wasn't him she felt uncomfortable with but the concept of spending money on overpriced drinks. They went to their favourite udon place for dinner, just like they have many times before.

Who wakes up the other?

No one.

Before kids: Sakura would wake up before him (who is not at all a morning person) because of her work, leave him with romantic handwritten notes. Suigetsu, on the other hand, would drop by her office to eat dinner with her because he knows she wouldn't be home until very late.

After kids: they would kick each other awake, play scissors or bribe each other to take turns to do their jobs as parents in the dead of the night. More often than not, Sakura wins.

Who was shy in taking their relationship to next level?

Suigetsu.

For all he flirted with Sakura, he was not an expert in the intimacy department. When Sakura boldly guided his hands on her body where they have never travelled, Suigetsu was at loss. He hadn't stopped or retracted but his mind was miles away – calculating her every reaction to his every move. Sakura noticed he was stiff and his careful actions conveyed his inexperience, but she never teased him until they were ready to drop dead to the world.

After a third-round on their first night, both realised he was a quick learner.

Who hogs up the blankets in their sleep?

Suigetsu.

He hogs up not only blankets but also Sakura. His bloodline limit leaves him colder than most people. Sakura doesn't appreciate the chill that seeps into her bones when he snuggles up to her. If she, out of reflex, kicks him out of the bed, it is not on her.

Who is easy to get jealous?

Sakura.

Suigetsu is one of the friendliest men she's met. While she understands why he gets along with rookie 9 what with bright personalities like Naruto and Kiba in the bunch, but that doesn't explain how he manages to charm women so easily with only his grin.

Her only consolation is that his charming grin is always solely directed at her.

Who cooks in the house?

Sakura and Suigetsu hadn't known to cook anything beyond the basics required to make rice balls and grilled fish.

Until they took cooking lessons from Chouji when Sakura got pregnant. Turns out, to Sakura's dismay, Suigetsu is the better cook between them. Until she used the excuse to get him cook for them every day, much to his annoyance.

Who 'protects' and who 'nutures'?

Sakura protects.

Suigetsu nutures.

[spaceysp]

on a scale of 1-10 which ccs in the dream smp do you think will survive an apocalypse? also pls give reasons as to why, im trying to make a statistics graph for school

OooO! sorry for not getting to this whenever you sent it, but hopefully you’re fine with having it now! ill be going from least to most likely to survive (also fair warning, i dont know alot of these people all too well so in doubt i will be reading their wiki page and im gonna cut out ppl i dont know at all ((also also im gonna be talking about them IRL, not their smp characters because that seems like what ur asking for but i can do another for that if thats what you meant)))

EDIT: I AM AN IDIOT AND DIDNT NOTICE “on a scale of 1-10″ IM SORRYRJSDHKJAESF IMMA ADD THAT

least likely

tommyinnit- okay listen, mans is a child, and from the few live-action vids that ive seen, doesnt seem to be very handy with tools. i couldnt even find that he has any hobbies outside minecraft, so unless he can MLG clutch irl, i dont think he has much going for him 1/10

purpled- basically the same as tommy, idk much about him and i couldnt see that he has any extra hobbies. the apocalypse will not be merciful to minecrafters 2/10

ranboo- see above, he’s higher because of that height and height alone 2/10

niki- i may get some shit for this one, but i think she wouldnt do well because shes too sympathetic, she might try to save those left behind or share, leaving her in more danger than before for the sake of kindness. she also is sensitive to light apparently so thats also a disadvantage 2/10

karl- idk alot about karl either, but im pretty sure he loses, like, every mr beast challenge i think thats like his thing, so even if idk wtf those challenges are, imma say that sets him up for failure in my eyes irl 3/10

quackity- the dude got tired from wii sports. i dont know if he has any irl abilities, so imma have to do him dirty with this one 3/10

fundy- hes a coder, a really good one at that, so while that may help him in the logistics and planning department, i cant say the same for physical ability 3/10

antfrost- idk what hes done irl while being a server admin for years, but hes read warriors, which although may mean he didnt get out much as a kid, it also kinda tells you about herbs and plants?? idk if its accurate but its something 3/10

tubbo- same logic, hes a kid, i think kids are automatically gonna function worse than adults, however, apparently he used to be a trampolinist??? that at least means that he has good stamina and at least a bit of strength, so i think if he didnt let his emotions cloud him he could kick at least a little bit of ass 4/10

eret- he seems to be willing to do almost anything to get things to turn out his way in the smp, but irl he seems very charitable, so idk how that would translate in an apocalypse scenario. hes gonna be about midrange because i cant say what theyd do 4/10

technoblade- im sorry techno but he only plays minecraft and reads literature, i think he might have enough disconnect in order to sacrifice other people’s needs for his own, and i wouldnt put it past him to take what he needs from others, but i cant give him much more than that 4/10

skeppy- you may think ive put him too far up, and yes, this dude somehow managed to run a 20-minute mile. yes, he only has 3 shirts but still has two cars, yes, i dont think hed be able to sacrifice someone else in a pinch. however what everyone is forgetting is that he has connections to the weirdest assortment of people i know, and could probably convince them to help him out. alone? f tier, dead in 3 days. with his car gassed up and knowing where his friends are at? he could last a while i think 4/10

sapnap- he apparently said his worst fear is being alone and losing his friends. which? i mean, i think both of those things would happen in this scenario. he does have jock energy though so hes lower-middle range 4/10

george- geroge is gonna be the complete center on which everyone else is judged. i dont know anything about this man irl. for all i know he could be a gold-medallist weight lifter. he seems to be fairly quick-thinking and independent, so i could see him doing fine maybe 5?/10

wilbur- a wildcard like george except what i do know about him seems way more powerful and also unhinged. everything i learn about him irl scares me i think he could live on being a sneaky little theif bastard 6/10

captain puffy- uhh idk its just her vibe. i think she could do well 6/10

punz- he looks like he could and would kick my ass 7/10

awesamdude- dudes really smart, and 6′7?? he has the reach to knock zombies or whatever TF out   6′7/10

schlatt- he lives in new york, owns at least one glock, and im sure is willing to betray anyone in order to get to the top, i think hed do pretty good 8/10

badboyhalo- okay listen this may be partially favoritism but this is by no means a professional list. he can shoot guns and throw knives and axes, knows how to cook and has beaten up someone at least once. im gonna say his only weaknesses are being a bit forgetful and overly sympathetic, but whatever i think he can get past that 9/10

dream- man, i really didnt wanna give mans the dub here, but i think i have to. 1. its known that all florida men are a different breed, and dream is Peak florida man. hes one of the only ones i could find that ever played an actual sport, and his quick-thinking skills displayed in manhunt is pretty much unmatched. he also shows a hint of cold logic in his actions, doing whatever it takes to gain popularity on youtube in the beginning, and i think that could translate to real life as well. overall, i cant say i was expecting this result, but i think its what i have to do 10/10

most likely 

[experimentalmadness]

Show Off (Inquisitor/Cullen)

Cullen watches the Inquisitor train and decides to enter the ring himself. 

(Y’all if anyone remembers my Yael Lavellan, I got inspired to do another one-shot after 8 million years. Yeehaw.) 

Watching the Inquisitor train was something of a spectacle in Skyhold. A small gathering had formed along the pen’s outer fence and all the southside battlements had a cluster of soldiers who were supposed to be on their morning rotation. 

It took the three women a whole half minute before they noticed their Commander staring down at them. Cullen had to bite his lip as they rattled in their armor, shuffled a salute, and waited with stiff-necked anxiety at his chastisement. His gaze slipped from them to the commotion down below. He did not even attempt to hide his smile. 

“I hear there’s a bet going on in the barracks,” Cullen said, folding his arms behind his back. “Collects at the end of the week. Fifty silver so far on the Inquisitor. Safe bet, I imagine.”

The soldiers didn’t dare answer him even as he chuckled a little despite himself. “At ease before you strain something.” All three women breathed out a sigh that only mildly reminded Cullen of a broken bellows. “You’re not going to be stripped of rank for admiring your Inquisitor.”

If that were the case he’d have been demoted months ago, he thought as he watched a great gout of flame erupt over the training pen. 

“Yes, sir, thank you sir,” the soldiers announced in unison. 

He quirked an eyebrow up at they continued standing motionless before him. “However, if I don’t see you at your posts within the hour I’ll be sure to inform the Inquisitor. I’m sure she would love nothing more than to indulge all three of you in a few up close rounds of combat drills.”

The soldiers had already begun to take off with great haste before he could even finish the thought. There was a reason Yael kept her training within that of her inner circle and not the rank and file of her army. No one wanted to face her. No one with sense at any rate. 

A laugh echoed up from the courtyard, barking mad and crackling with magic. Yael wielded a staff in one hand and her astral blade in the other, keeping up a steady rhythm against Cassandra, Iron Bull, and Dorian. Fire flickered around her, singeing the ground black wherever she stepped. It roared out of her as natural as breath, Cullen doubted she was even aware of it. 

It wasn’t that she was the best fighter, nor even the most skilled mage. There was a primal energy in Yael’s attacks. Something unpredictable and even harder to control. Even if she hadn’t been a mage, Cullen thought, she would have still been this fierce warrior—the tempest at the heart of the battlefield. 

A splintering crack shattered his thoughts as Cassandra careened through the fence posts. The onlookers scrambled to get out of the way, even Yael paused to regain control over herself. It was only when Cassandra dusted herself off and gave Yael a reassuring nod that the Inquisitor let out another satisfied barking laugh, reignited her flames, and turned to the others. “One down two more to go!”

Thank the Maker she was on their side! Cullen abandoned his vantage point up on the battlements, giving his head a little shake as he walked down the steps towards the training yard. He remembered seeing her for the first time when the sky had been newly torn; surrounded on all sides by every kind of demon. And she had charged in, a sleep-deprived, terrified prisoner, raining fire down on every wraith and shade. Not knowing who she was fully he had had the idea of making sure Cassandra recruited her into their ranks. It wasn’t until he had made his way back to the forward camp that he fully processed who she was. Odd thing, but he couldn’t remember ever thinking she had anything other than good intentions even when all he had seen of her was that now infamous battle-lit face and a handful of fire. 

He made it down the stairs just in time to see Iron Bull sweep his great axe under Yael’s feet and lay her flat on her back. The cringe from the onlookers told him just how much lighter the purses of a few attendants would be in the coming days. Dorian leaned against his staff, shaking with quiet laughter as Bull offered Yael a hand up. Maker, the scowl she had on her face!

“That’s why I keep telling you t’ keep that guard up, Boss.”

“I always have my guard up.”

“Lying in front of the troops is hardly the most inspiring thing,” Cullen laughed as he approached the fence. 

Tendrils of smoke curled up and over Yael’s shoulders as the flames extinguished from around her. The scowl was now aimed specifically at him, but a clap from Bull’s hand to her back choked it right off. “Good fight,” he said. “Let’s see if you can’t kick my ass tomorrow.”

Yael punched his arm. “They’ll be putting your body in an ashtray, Bull.” But there was no bite behind her words. 

Bull and Dorian disperessed with the rest of the thinning crowd, Bull’s laugh trailing off behind him as he and Dorian made for the tavern. He offered them both a friendly wave as they departed; Dorian responded with a mock salute. He’d be seeing the mage later at their usual afternoon appointment in the gardens. If Yael couldn’t best him on the field today at least he could win her a modicum of revenge on the chessboard. 

“Hope you didn’t lose too much money on my account,” Yael divested herself of her coat, hanging it up on the post before going over to the water barrel. She practically dunked her full head into it, not caring in the least if she soaked her tunic and jerkin. 

“What makes you think I was betting on you?” 

Cullen invited himself over the fence, tossing a dry cloth to Yael just as she turned, dripping, back around. That remark earned him a genuine smile, he could always tell by the sight of her sharpened canines. A wolf’s smile. 

She scrubbed at her face, dust and a bit of soot staining the cloth as she tossed it over the side of the barrel. “Are you truly done?” Cullen asked. “You look as if you could have gone for at least several more rounds.”

“Truth be told I could potentially convince Sera or Vivienne to join me for another bout, but,” she shrugged, “perhaps that will have to wait until later.”

Much later if he recalled the Inquisitor’s schedule for the day. A meeting with Leliana for a brief update on their agents in the field and then it was to be in and out of diplomatic meetings with Josephine for the rest of the afternoon as the delegates from Neverra and Antiva arrived. Cullen could already see Yael’s impatience. By the time she’d be out of doors again it would be well into the evening and the sun would be long gone from the sky. 

Cullen had drawn his sword before giving it another thought. “I’m not nearly as unpredictable a fighter as Sera, nor do I claim to have as much finesse as Madame Vivienne, but I hope you’ll consider me a worthy replacement nonetheless.”

“You can’t be serious,” she laughed, hands at her hips. 

“And why not? I command your armies for a reason, Inquisitor.”

“Cullen,” laughter was still rumbling through her. Green eyes glinting with just that rare bit of warmth. “Creators, I think the last time we ever sparred was back in Haven. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t I…”

“Send me flying out of the ring and into the snow? Yes thank you, my bones still remember that one. All the more reason for us to take the time now.”

Yael rolled her eyes, but Cullen saw her hand whisper over the sword at her belt. “I thought you had a policy on stifling the barrack room gossip.” She picked up her staff, but did not ignite it with her fire. 

“Some things are worth the whispers.”

He charged her, thinking to use her hesitation against her, but Yael merely sidestepped out of the way. Nearly had him, but he corrected before he could throw himself out of the ring. He pivoted, blade spinning in his hand with a flourish that had Yael centering her stance. Their weapons met, but there were no sparks, no gouts of magic from the iron, nor smoke emanating from the Inquisitor. Cullen gritted his teeth and pushed her back. 

Yael yielded to the movement with a calculating look in her eyes. She feinted to the left, but Cullen knew her too well and did not let her goad him on. 

It was one thing to watch the Inquisitor fight, it was another to join her. For weeks now Vivienne and Leliana had been teaching Yael Orlesian dances for the upcoming ball in Halamshiral and she took to them about as easy as a fish to the air. Yet here she was at her most elegant. Although, Cullen admitted with a low grunt of frustration as she nearly disarmed him, he wished she would stop toying with him. 

“Come on then, Yael,” he crossed swords with her. “You know you can’t win strike for strike.”

She said nothing in return. Her face was bathed in sweat as she concentrated, staring hard at Cullen’s stance, the hilt of his blade, the tells in his eyes. Eventually Cullen lowered his guard. “What are you doing?”

“Training like you asked,” Yael huffed a strand of hair out of her eyes. “What’s the matter? Yielding so soon?”

“Waiting for you to fight me properly,” he shook his head. “You’re as stiff as a board. Stilted. Ready to be knocked over at the slightest push. No wonder Bull bested you.”

There it was! The spark that he had wanted to see at the beginning. Smoke began coiling about Yael’s shoulders and embers broke out over the blade of her short sword. Cullen readied himself. “Again, Inquisitor,” he smiled. 

For a heartbeat he tangled with the real Inquisitor as smoke and flame enveloped them both and he felt that wild and wonderful pulse of her magic. She brought her astral blade fully to bear, pushing with magical force until she found her opening. 

Cullen could see in her eyes that she had him. He moved to correct but even before he could guard against her attack he felt the magic dissipate. The vicious look in Yael’s eyes evaporated and it was as if all the air had been sucked from the arena. She continued her attack, but she merely met the plates of his armor like a new recruit would tap the stuffed training dummies in the yard.

“Checkmate,” Yael grinned. She twirled her sword in her hand and stepped back. “What?” she averted her eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Forgive me, but by rights you should have had me out of the ring yet you held back.” 

“I never hold back.”

He fixed her with a withering look until she began to fidget in the silence. Turning on her heel she marched back over to the water basin. “Leliana is likely to have my head if I’m late for another meeting.”

“Yael.”

He followed directly behind her, sheathing his sword and watching as she stiltedly washed up. She pulled on her coat and adjusted its collar. Turning back to face him a glowing fireball emerged in the palm of her hand, rotating harmlessly as Yael regarded it with a controlled stare. “My magic is…” she tossed the fire from one hand to the other, little lines of lightning orbiting around it. “Volatile. I’ve always been a pathetic healer, useless with spirit magics, but the elements? They come to me naturally. And they are not always harmless.”

“As our enemies have come to fear,” Cullen couldn’t hide the pride in his voice if he tried, so why did Yael look suddenly so very ashamed? 

With a wave of her hand the fire extinguished in her palm. “Yes, but not you.” Those fierce, blazing green eyes held him transfixed. “My magic isn’t made to hurt you.”

Cullen closed the space between them with a kiss, muffling Yael’s gasp of surprise. Her skin was hot to the touch from her recent firespell and he could taste the after-spark of embers. He didn’t care who saw them in the training yard. Yael pressed a hand to his cheek, her surprise turning into wicked abandon. “Oh dear,” she whispered as she parted for air. “So much for silencing the gossip.”

“I love you,” he kissed the tip of her nose causing her to flinch and laugh. Her dark cheeks going that much darker at his words. The edge in her eyes softening ever so slightly though he knew she’d deny it profusely if he pointed it out. “All of you. Including your magic. Promise you won’t hold yourself back from me?”

She raised one eyebrow, interlacing her fingers with his, pressing a single kiss to the back of his hand. “Even if it means showing you up in front of your own troops?”

Cullen laughed. “Even that.”

[neverheardnothing]

what the hell will winston (and the rest of the tmc gang) even DO while working at axe cap? because axe cap clearly does NOT want quants since axe scrapped the whole team as soon as he came back.

im kinda assuming that it’s just the main 5 of them going to work at the axe cap offices for now. how does axe respond to this? the deal he made was for taylor to come work at axe cap again for a while. he really only wants taylor there. he couldnt give less of a shit about the others (well, he wants revenge on mafee). so what does he do with sara, lauren, and winston?

does winston get absorbed into their IT department? like that poor dude who got yelled at a lot when the power went out at axe cap? that’s not really his specialty though, so i cant imagine him actually going there. or does no one really notice that he’s there and so he just sits around all day and pretends he’s working, but really he’s just dicking around on reddit or working on his own projects. he just tries to keep his head down and blend into all the faceless employees at axe cap before they realize that he’s not actually doing anything all day. what about the rest of the quant team at tmc? what are they doing? in fact, what are all of the rest of the employees at tmc doing? are they also coming along to work at axe cap and we just didn’t see them there initially, or are they all back at the tmc offices just hanging around and continuing to work there. can axe cap fit all these sudden new employees arriving? how many people work at tmc? i have so many questions. back to assuming only the 5 of them go to axe cap.

or maybe the fact that winston is a quant is like a Known Fact and so all the traders at axe cap are wary of him because hes the Guy Who’s Gonna Take Their Jobs. and on the outside his personality is very brash and there’s a lot of bravado there so i can see some of them (not like dollar bill or bonnie lmao) being scared of him initially. ben kim is probably scared of winston lmao. his freakout to wendy about how he should have listened to his mom and learned how to code is coming back now that there’s an actual person here working at axe cap who is the Future of what his job will be. dollar bill and bonnie probably threaten to break his nose in or something while also very lowkey being scared.

back to everyones jobs...

lauren’s job seems pretty relevant. investor relations is important for hedge funds probably and i assume they can always use more people in that department, especially since i dont think we’ve seen anyone there before from axe cap. and if lauren is as good at it as she seems to be, then they would probably really like to use her. though would they trust her to interact with investors since she is the Enemy tm? i dont think they would want someone that hates them to be the person interacting with their investors, especially since the last time that happened, taylor walked away with billions in money from investors that were supposed to be investing in axe cap. theyre not gonna let that happen again anytime soon. maybe axe thinks the pressure of what he “has” on taylor will be enough to keep lauren in line, but still. axe has no idea what lauren could be saying to his investors. 

sara, however, what the hell is sara doing? her job is chief operating officer. which is the same title as wags, but at axe cap taylor will have no real power like they did before, so sara definitely wont either. i honestly have no IDEA what sara could be doing at axe cap tbh. thats her entire section. ive got nothing. please let me know if you think of something.

mafee has a job! he goes back to what he was doing before, but now he’s like the least popular guy in the room. except to ben kim. he’s fucking over the moon that mafee is back as we saw at the end of s4. number of traders at axe cap with even the slightest trace of morals: 2 again. i assume he and ben hang out a decent amount at work now, especially since i dont think anyone else would want to be around mafee because of the whole traitor thing. (ps how the fuck is the interaction between mafee and wendy after that whole “youre a garbage person” thing?)

ben doesnt seem to be the kind to care about his “social standing” within the company falling because he’s hanging out with mafee. i mean he gives a friendly hi to the two least popular people in the room at the moment of Highest Tension. he does NOT give a fuck. i assume winston probably also hangs out a decent amount around mafee because that’s the only other tmc person who is In The Office on the ground floor (since lauren’s job is kinda.. talking to people Outside of the office and taylor is off upstairs making those Brilliant Taylor Ideas with their big brain and being forced to hang with axe. maybe sara is also around there i guess, but she doesnt seem to be the kind to just.. hang about). but anyways this is a prime opportunity for winston and ben kim to interact, im just saying @ brian koppelman and david levien. ben is probably a lil bit scared of winston in the beginning since u know. thats his job taker right there, but he warms up to winston eventually. this isnt a benston post, ill move on now. 

(just kidding. im not done. i know the popular benston thing is that theyve secretly been dating all this time but imagine them meeting for the first time at axe cap in s5. ben and mafee are eating lunch together (acai bowls prob lmao) or something and winston just drops in, kicks his feet up on the table (mafee rolls his eyes) and casually says hi. ben on the inside is all like Ah Shit That’s The Quant Dude because he’s totally been avoiding winston up till now, but the dude is sitting across the table from him he can’t just not acknowledge him. or possibly ben has the opposite reaction. he’s grown a bit of a backbone since the last time quants were brought up. makes a show of not being scared of winston but also not being an ass to him, which makes winston respect him since everyone else here has been pretty hostile to him so far. i think winston probably has a good impression of ben because he was nice to taylor and mafee at the end of s4 and the fact that he and mafee are hanging around, so he must not be That Bad. and winston doesn’t seem to be very into the axe vs taylor rivalry (re the whole comp rant) so he probably won’t hate someone just because they work for axe cap. anyways this is the beginning of their long and healthy relationship. benston endgame yall.)

does wags remember winston? he must. that was quite an Impression he made during his interview. what are his interactions with wags like, if any? is winston all snarky like “ha, you passed on hiring me but im here anyways, fuck you” or is he wary around wags because he’s still thinking about how he got Destroyed in that interview. i dont think the walk of shame out of the building must have been something he forgot quickly. i think wags would be quick to call out winston if he weren’t doing anything while at axe cap. the interaction would probably go something like this: “ur not doing any goddamn work.” “yeah i know, u guys dont want quants, what am i gonna do?” “well, figure something out” (implied or else there). winston quickly figures something out. probably automates some stuff for them or something.

also, do people in general remember him as the guy who was REAL happy after the boxing match? i mean he kinda made a big scene. he was cheering and yelling and screaming “i won!! i motherfucking won!!” after everyone else was sitting around dejectedly because their team lost and they lost money. you have to remember that Weird Guy having a blast after everyone in the room is upset. do they seem him walk in at axe cap and go “ah, that fuckin weirdo.”

god, examining any aspect of billions for more than 3 seconds makes you realize how much of a disaster everything is. id definitely watch a show that’s just the office dynamics at axe cap now that the tmc gang is there. lord knows itd be more interesting than what’s been happening in the show up until now.

[neverwatchedonepiece]

558-560: "The Noah Closing in! The Fish-Man Island Facing Destruction!", "Hurry up, Luffy! Shirahoshi's Life in Jeopardy!" and "The Fierce Fight Begins! Luffy vs. Hordy!"

This is like watching Hitler stab Elliot Roger. Can you even cheer for this?

I can’t because let’s just say I’m not the biggest fan of either of them. The most I could muster was a grim nod. “Yes, that’s brilliant. Now the other one needs to go.”

Luffy should step up in the next couple of episodes, so I’m looking forward to watching Hordy Jones chow down on a generous slice of Karma pie. It’ll be old and moldy too because Hordy’s comeuppance is long overdue.

I get the feeling that the (literally) biggest problem facing the Strawhats right now, though, is neither Decken nor Hordy. It’s Noah: the massive ship that is currently floating just above Fishman Island.

How big is this ship?

I’ll let Franky sum it up.

Noah: The Ship of Promise

The shots of Noah drifting straight for Fishman Island were weirdly beautiful. I mean, I know this thing was close to killing an entire nation full of people plus the Strawhats, but the art was so good. Dat perspective. Dat chiaroscuro. Dat cool shot of the surface tension stretching the bubble. The seaweed strung chains alone were so huge they demolished buildings and minor geological features with ease. Toei did a good job escalating the sense of threat here.

Another interesting thing is that, for the first time, Neptune has really freaked out with fear. But not for himself. It’s for Noah. Apparently, the ship has a nickname: the ship of promise. Neptune was worried because that ship was Not To Be Used before the appointed time. He even freaked out about the possibility of it being damaged.

Hmmm... Intriguing. I guess this means Noah is culturally significant to Fishman Island (or at least to the Royal Family/Neptune who is the only one who clearly understands its significance, as the princes called it “a relic from the past”). What did he mean by “the appointed time?” Why was it built in the first place? Starting to think it’s not an ancient weapon. Maybe it was built to transport Fishmen to a better place? It has loads of windows. I guess I’ll find out soon. :)

But first, there is a villain to be dealt with!

Long-Distance Roasting

Luffy scrapping with Hordy in 558 was glorious. I’m enjoying watching the new tricks he’s learned over his two year stint with Rayleigh. I love how surprised Luffy was that Hordy staggered upright after being punched through a wall.

He used hardening haki to obliterate iron shields, landed a blistering hardened kick and smacked Hordy with a hardened fist. Faced with an opponent who was levels above him, Hordy panicked and fired off water arrows indiscriminately. Luffy’s observation haki pretty much ruined that half-baked plan. It was hilarious watching Hordy get his ass handed to him. It must have really ground Hordy’s gears hearing the islanders praising the strength of the world-renowned Strawhat pirate captain.

Unfortunately, Luffy couldn’t finish the job because it was about that time the Noah Eclipse moved across the island. At that point, even the Strawhats were thinking, “Shiiiiiiiiit.....”

One of the smaller shadows belonged to the Sea Bonze dude that worked for Decken. It grew rapidly as he plummeted to earth. When he shook himself off, he looked up and freaked out because the ship was sailing without him.

“Stop the ship!” he yelled. “I slipped and fell off. I don’t wanna die!”

You know, I thought for one moment that Decken’s one saving grace was that he at least cared about his crew.

Turns out he doesn’t even have that. He said straight up to his Sea Bonze buddy: “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to become a sacrifice along with the rest of Fishman Island.” What a guy.

I mean, you’ve got to be a proper piece of crap when Hordy Jones, of all people, is pissed off with the psychotic shit you keep pulling.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

But Decken’s deeply creepy breakdown spurred one of my favourite moments of the arc. 

When Decken made his appearance, he, of course, took the opportunity to harass Shirahoshi one last time. “SHIRAHOSHI, NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU LIKE ME! SO DROP DEAD ALONG WITH THE REST OF FISHMAN ISLAND.”

Logic? Nah. It’s in very short supply with this guy. Must have departed long ago with the last crumb of sanity.

When it became obvious that Decken was about to involve the entire island in his mad quest to “prove his love”, Shirahoshi did something very brave. Decken had thrown Noah towards his marked target, just like all the knives and axes before. Knowing this, Shirahoshi he put her life on the line and swam right up to the ship, stopping it from crashing into the island where she stood.

“If I am the only one who you want to kill, please do not harm the other people of Ryugu Kingdom.”

She was willing to endanger herself in order to protect her people. Shirahoshi is most definitely no coward. In fact, she’s as brave as Otohime, who threw herself in front of a bullet to stop a revenge killing.

Despite Decken upping the creep factor, “How beautiful you are, even your mind! You’re taking the matter into your own hands to save the country, aren’t you? You’re definitely eligible to become Vander Decken IX’s wife after all. You’d better die while you’re still beautiful and live in my heart forever.”

I have no words. Unfortunately, I know this is not unrealistic.

Decken hurled a dagger at Shirahoshi. But despite being injured, she still swam off and lured Decken - and most importantly, Noah - away from the island. She swam all the way to the open sea.

As far as I’m concerned, Shirahoshi deserves major props for quick thinking and saving everyone from being, as Robin said, smashed all at once. (lol)

Hordy Has a Little Moment

While this was going down, Hordy hauled himself upright and stood there like a lost lemon, grinding his teeth and raging at Decken’s “betrayal.” Hordy, the guy has several screws loose. If he is distracted by Shirahoshi in any way, he will drop whatever dumb scheme he’s involved in to pursue his main interest.

He watched Luffy be lauched after Noah by Sanji (that was cool, by the way. Sanji was about to join him, but Luffy pulled him back and said he had to take care of the plaza. Instead of insisting on running after the mermaid princess, Sanji agreed. Obviously the order from his captain, who he also respects as a friend, takes precedence. That’s much better, Sanji! :D) 

Only then did his rage move him to action. He decided to hijack Decken’s plan. He leapt onto the hanging chains, even shooting at the islanders (who tried to slow Noah’s progress because they were so worried for Shirahoshi). I kept thinking, Luffy, now is the time to knock that dumbass off the chain.

But he didn’t. Shirahoshi broke through the bubble and Luffy emerged into open water. He had to use the Bubbly Coral Jimbei handed him. But he couldn’t use the full stretch and strength of his power confined in the small bubble.

Then Hordy swam up behind him and had a little moment when the tables turned. “How inconvenient it must be to be a human!” he gloated, using all his old favourite slurs. “You act so tough on the ground but you couldn’t even win a fight with a Fishman child in the sea!”

Of course, he forgot Zoro beat him in the water before he snacked on a fistful of Roids, but such thoughts are inconvenient. Luffy couldn’t replicate the feat because, as a DF user, he was at a major disadvantage and was forced to fight in the bubble. Hordy was straight up too fast and the water arrows pierced the bubble.

If it wasn’t for Fukaboshi, Luffy would have been screwed. I actually cheered when he showed up. xD It was also nice when Luffy asked how he was. “Thanks for rescuing me. You got hurt earlier. You okay?” (and it was funny when Fukaboshi told him off for being impressed at how Hordy was “almost like Zoro in the water”.) At least they have come to an understanding now. Fukaboshi apologised for suspecting the Strawhats, and Luffy, in his usual way, said, “Don’t mention it.”

They didn’t have time for a drawn out apology-fest, anyway, because Luffy had a plan and he was in a hurry.

Bye, Bye, Decken?

Now, I’m not sure if Ryuboshi and Mamboshi (is that how you spell his name?) gave Shirahoshi the best advice. She was swimming out into open sea away from the island. Instead, they advised her to swim upwards. I guess they couldn’t have predicted Hordy would spear Decken and, once the Mark Mark power wore off, the ship would come crashing down on top of Fishman Island, but still.

The betrayal scene was cool. Decken is obviously so detached from reality he had no idea Hordy was seething with rage when he hopped on deck.

“O hai, pal!” he laughed. “What happened to Neptune? Did you kill him? I’ve been tormenting Shirahoshi with the Noah. What do you think? Good idea, right?”

“Oh, I have an idea,” the shadowy figure of Hordy leered. “If you die now... what’ll happen to this ship?”

Then he stabbed Decken through the chest with his trident. That wasn’t the end of it. Decken hauled himself off it, blood dripping, then accidentally touched Hordy in the process, leaving  a mark on him.

“I panicked a bit when Noah sailed over,” Hordy admitted. “But I can’t kill you yet. Then the Mark Mark power will be ineffective and the ship will fall onto Fishman Island and destroy everything. More than anything, I want the Strawhats gone. Thousands of my men will die too, but I can get as many human slaves as I want later.” Nice, Hordy. Thousands of your men will die, but it’s okay, they can be replaced with human slaves. What happened to Fishman supremacy, eh?

Decken told him to drop dead and threw a blade. I’m not quite sure what happened here, but Hordy either ducked or moved behind Decken and the blade sliced into Decken. Ohhhhhhh, the shot of that sweet, sweet long distance body fall. Decken landed right next to his rose axe (which is a bit suspicious, to be honest. As I have not yet seen a body, I bet he’ll use the axe to take revenge against Hordy. The mark has not yet been removed, so...) 

Of course, counter betrayal accomplished, Hordy pressed on with his plan to hijack Decken’s psycho scheme. He caught up with Shirahoshi and grabbed her by the hair. Luckily, Luffy and Fukaboshi arrived fresh from a strategy talk. I have no idea what move it was Luffy pulled on Hordy, the snake shot one, but it looked like his hands were on fire? At any rate, Luffy said it didn’t work properly because he needed a bigger bubble, but it definitely hit Hordy hard. Looking forward to seeing it on a proper, ass-kicking scale! :D

“A fool like you can’t protect anything!” Hordy jeered.

“No,” Luffy said, absolutely dead pan. “I will protect them all. That’s what I’ve worked for over the past two years.”

For all Luffy adopts a happy-go-lucky attitude, I’ll never forget how low he was post-Marineford. It’s obviously affected him and this is one of the times he lets it show. He will never let something like that happen ever again. If anything threatens his crew, his friends or anyone he loves, they will regret it.

And speaking of...

Meanwhile... Back in the Plaza

Zoro and Sanji are having a great time!

I can’t wait to see Zoro kick that drunken Fishman swordsman’s ass. That guy is such a liability. Imagine killing all your allies just because you love cutting people. Great hire there, Hordy.

Classic Robin. xD

[grungyblonde]

Gone Away

Chapter 4

Summary: When Ubbe has to depart for the raids, he leaves his young wife and child in the care of the only person he trusts to watch over them, his brother Hvitserk. What follows is a tale of love, betrayal, and brotherhood.

Thank you to @hallowed-heathen for being an awesome beta reader.

TRIGGER warning. Attempted rape after the flash back. Please don’t read if you can’t handle it.

“As soon as the sun rises I’m sending a boat with the injured back to Kattegat. You will be on it. I should never have brought you here.”

Brenna froze at Ubbe’s words. The sting of them caused her hands to quit lovingly stroking his face as she stared at him in shock. He had come back to the camp, fresh from battle, and they had all but thrown themselves at each other. Now his eyes were hard and unwavering as he held her face, ordering her to leave. She ripped herself away from him and took a few steps backwards into their tent.

“What? I do not understand Ubbe.”

He was no longer looking at her as he rubbed his eyes with his bloodied hand. Blood that was not his own, Brenna had been relieved to find.

“I should not have brought you here,” he repeated. “This is no place for you.”

Brenna reached for him again as she stepped closer. She wanted to comfort him. Tell him she was stronger than he thought. That she was safe. “I will not leave you,” she whispered as she embraced him again.

For a moment Ubbe melted into her, allowing himself to get lost in her softness. But his voice turned firm again as he pushed her away to hold her at arms’ length. “It was selfish of me to bring you here. I did not want to be away from you for so long. That is my fault.”

“It is not your fault. I want to be at your side. Always. Even if I can’t follow you into battle, I want to be here.”

Ubbe almost growled as he turned away from her. “Do not be stubborn.”

Brenna felt her face heat up as she watched him strip his chest plate off. She had been so relieved, so elated to see him when he returned unharmed. This was not how she expected him to act towards her. “I am not the one being stubborn! You can not tell me what to do! I am not leaving!”

Ubbe whirled back around in a second, his eyes darker than she had ever seen them, throwing the armor hard into the corner as he stomped to her. “You are going to be my wife and you will do as I say! You are going to be on that boat if I have to place you on it myself!”

The words had barely left his mouth before she was rearing her hand back to bring it crashing across the side of cheek with a loud crack. He did not so much as flinch but his nostrils flared and suddenly his face was close enough to feel his hot breath on hers as he caught her wrist. “I love you, Brenna, with all my heart. But you will never do that again.” He pointed his finger in her face, his voice oddly even. “Do you understand me?” Brenna tried to jerk her hand away from his grasp but his grip only tightened. “Do you understand me Brenna?”

She glared at him and it was obvious she had no intentions of backing down.

With a frustrated snarl Ubbe yanked her toward him, tangling his other hand in her hair. His lips crashed into hers in something more like a bite than a kiss and Brenna knew she was no longer in control of her own body. Her quiet moan was lost as his mouth continued to assault her own and his hands made to violently tear her dress away.

Ubbe was the only man she had ever been with; every bit of experience she had, she owed to him. He was usually so gentle with her, making sure she was ready for him, that she could accommodate the part of him she was not used to. This was nothing like that. But oddly, enough she felt love in his punishing touches all the same. But it was wild and unrestrained and Ubbe looked more beast than man as he tossed her roughly onto the bed beneath him.

He tugged his pants down with one hand while the other one firmly held her down. It was unnecessary though. She wasn’t going anwhere; Brenna could only lie there gasping in anticipation.

Ubbe covered her body with his own and for a moment his eyes softened. “I love you,” he whispered. But then he was thrusting into her so hard and so deep that Brenna couldn’t help but to scream out. He quickly placed his hand over her mouth and continued his frantic, punishing pace, eyes never leaving hers.

Afterwards, while she laid his head against his chest, a happy high still running through her body, Ubbe tilted his lips to her ear, “You will leave tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay Ubbe.”

Brenna couldn’t keep her face from pulling into a reminiscent smile as her hands wrung the water from the laundry. She and Ubbe rarely fought. Most of their time together was peaceful and happy; when they did quarrel Ubbe was quick to try to find a way to appease his wife. But sometimes, especially since that night at the camp, Brenna would find small ways to challenge him, to draw out that dominant side of him that left her a shaking and satisfied mess. She never fooled Ubbe. Sometimes his mouth would quirk up just a bit before taking her roughly, all too eager to play their little game.

“Well would you look at this Asger.”

Brenna’s blood ran cold at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. She quickly turned to address the speaker, a portly man in rags, dirt covering every inch of him. Slightly behind him stood a far skinnier man with flighty eyes, almost bouncing from foot to foot. She could smell them, even paces away.

“Who are you? Why are you on my property?” Brenna stood as straight as she could but her fingers shook slightly as she gripped the garment in her hands.

The man’s face grew into a smile, a sneer really, revealing brown rottedteeth. “She’s very pretty but I still prefer the view of her back side. Turn around dove, so I can see your fat ass again.”

Brenna took a step back, nearly slipping on the wet patch of grass beneath her feet. “You need to leave. Now. I am the wife of Ubbe Ragnarrson and he would have your head just for speaking to me like that.”

The man glanced at his partner whose eyes were still shiftily surveying the property. They obviously recognized Ubbe’s name, even if they were drifters. Still, the ugly smile never wavered. “Wife of Ubbe Ragnarsson? Out here wringing laundry like a common servant? You need to learn to lie better girl.”

Even as her heart pounded in her chest, Brenna’s eyes searched for something, anything, she could defend herself with. Hvitserk had left at the break of dawn to hunt and Brenna had reluctantly agreed to let Aslaug keep Raul until dinner time. She was thankful for that now. Thankful he was safe and guarded, far away from her. It was a small bit of mercy from the gods.

The straggler came forward with a small step and Brenna’s flight instinct kicked in before her mind could even register it. She threw the damp cloth in his face and made to dash towards the front door of her home, praying her feet didn’t betray her.

She was almost there when she felt the skinny arms of the quieter man wrap around her shoulders, tackling her hard into the mud beneath them.

“HVITSERK!” She managed to shriek with all her might before the stranger covered her mouth. She attempted to bite down on his filthy hand but he skillfully cupped his palm, as if he had anticipated it.

“Bring her here Asger.”

Asger lifted her forward, gripping her with surprising strength as she flailed and kicked.

Please gods no. She could feel her body beginning to tire but she kept fighting, refusing to accept what was about to happen to her. She hadn’t realized she was crying until she felt the hot wetness streaming down her cheeks.

The first man was so close to her now that she could smell, practically taste, his stinking breath.

She watched in horror as he brought a rough hand to her colllar bone and ran it down to her breasts. “I bet you taste so sweet dove.”

Brenna squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to will her body to go numb but she still felt the unnamed man press a blade against her skin before cutting the neck of her dress all the way to her waist. Cold air hit her naked front and she found herself praying they would just kill her.

She felt something warm and wet hit her skin but she still didn’t open her eyes. She didn’t open them when she heard something that sounded like water gurgling and she kept them closed even when she felt the man behind her grip her closer and step backwards.

“Let her go.”

Brenna opened her eyes.

The wanderer was lying lifeless on the ground, blood still pouring from the slit in his throat. Hvitserk was standing there facing them with his axe in his hand. His eyes met hers briefly and she could see the fear in them.

“Let her go,” he repeated, fear replaced with a dark fury.

In a flash the man released her mouth but his other arm kept its hold. She saw the glint of the knife he pulled from his belt but before he could place it at her throat Hvitserk had thrown the axe past her face and between the eyes of her attacker.

Brenna felt his hands slide from her and she thought she might collapse with him but Hvitserk was already there, steadying her. She could only stare at him in open mouth shock as he took his face in her hands, looking her over for any damage. She had almost forgotten her skin was bare until Hvitserk moved to take off his cloak and wrap it around her. With a worried look he searched her blank face one last time before pulling her into his chest and burying his nose in her hair.

————————————————————————-

Brenna sat on the edge of the bed, still unable to register a single emotion. Hvitserk had gently guided her inside before going back out to take care of the bodies. Their burial will be anything but proper. They will enter the afterworld in disgrace, he swore but Brenna could only nod, barely hearing him.

And here she still sat, covered in blood, clutching Hvitserk’s cloak.

“Brenna.”

She looked up to see Hvitserk standing in the doorway. He looked as if he wasn’t sure if he should come any closer to but after a moment he turned to the bowl of water on the wall, dipping a fresh rag in it before sinking to his knees in front of her.

When Brenna didn’t pull away, Hvitserk brought the rag to her cheek and gently wiped her cheek.

“I’m so sorry,” he croaked.

Brenna looked to him in confusion before finally speaking, “You saved me Hvitserk.”

“I heard your scream.” He brushed a bit of hair from Brenna’s forehead as he continued to clean her face. “I’ve never moved so fast in my entire life. It was like a Valkyrie was carrying me out of the woods to you. And then I saw you and..”

Brenna could hear his voice crack and for some reason it grounded her, brought her out of the fog.

She brought her hand to his, intertwining their fingers. “You saved me.”

“I should have been here. I’m not leaving you alone again. Not for a moment.”

Brenna knew from the look in his eyes better than to argue about that now. She simply nodded and then his arms were around her, holding her close against him, tighter than before.

“I don’t want you to leave me alone Hvitserk.”

———————————///————————————

AN: I know this chapter was rough. But please, still leave comments because I swear that’s the only reason I update instead of keeping it all in my head.

@laketaj24 @honestsycrets @hizz-hizz-mothertruckerz @lisinfleur @triumphantreturnofpies @whenimaunicorn @ceridwenofwales @therealcalicali @tephi101 @equalstrashflavoredtrash @lif3snotouttogetyou @thisisabigmaze @pokeasleepingsmaug @greennightspider @givemesmutorgivemedeath @emsry14 @starrmoondaisy @nocturneinaminor @hallowed-heathen @anarchy-is-coming @saruuslovesmcfly @squirrelacorngliterfarts @akamaiden @ragnarswhore @redheadedtrollop @redbubblegun @wheredidallthedreamersgo

[recentanimenews]

Takt Op. Destiny – 08 – Call Her By Her Name

Despite being worn down by a combination of sleep deprivation and Destiny, Takt makes the first move against Felix, and would have socked him in the face with a speed and force Felix didn’t expect, were it not for his trusty sadistic bodyguard, Hell, who breaks his ribs with a kick. Destiny retreats with Takt in her arms, and Hell lets them go, because killing them now won’t be as fun as waiting until they’ve recovered.

When Takt comes to (after she administers water to him with a kiss), Destiny has returned to Normal Girl Mode and made a fire, but her bandage wrapping leaves much to be desired. She acknowledges this, and her shortcomings outside of battle in general. When Takt asks why she didn’t continue fighting without him, she says when she saw him crumpled on the ground, her body moved on its own: to him, and away from the fighting.

Takt tells Destiny more about Cosette, and how now that she’s gone, there’s no one left around to hear his music he might compose. Of course, he’s wrong; not only are Anna and Destiny there, but a whole lot of people who want and need to hear his music so it can warm their hearts like the fire in the cave.

The next morning, Destiny meets Felix and Hell back in the woods with two axes and tries her best to fight. Alas, without her Musicart Mode she’s no match for Hell, who merely toys with her. Just when she’s about to be choked out, Takt arrives, and the two get into a lover’s quarrel, completely ignoring Felix. Lenny and Titan arrive to keep Felix and Hell busy while the two talk things out.

Takt asks Destiny—by name, for the first time—if she also needs to hear his song like all those other people out there. Destiny says she doesn’t simply need to; she wants to hear it. With Felix and Hell standing in the way of that, Takt tells Desinty to use as much of his life as she needs to dispatch them. And what do you know, Destiny actually takes it to Hell, overpowering her giant attack with one of her own and  burning her arm.

Hell is ready to go another round, but the fight is stopped by the ethereally calm and gentle voice of Heaven, Grand Maestro Sagan’s Musicart. Speaking for Sagan, Heaven relieves Felix of his position and fires him from the Symphonia with immediate effect.

Just like that, Hell turns her back on her former Maestro and snaps his baton, and departs with Heaven. There’s an ominous to Heaven’s presence (aided by the music that plays when she arrives) and to the fact that Felix was officially relieved for disobeying orders…not for trying to kill Takt and Destiny.

Still, it’s probably not the last we’ll see of him, and I was a little miffed Takt wasn’t able to land a punch to his smug, villainous face. But in the end I was just glad Takt and Destiny made it out of the predicament alive, and doubly glad to see them reunite with a ridiculously relieved Anna. Like Takt, she calls Destiny by her name for the first time. She lost a little sister, but now realized she gained another.

Watching Destiny evolve before our eyes with an essentially full suite of emotions, and watching Takt and Anna shed their denial and accept Destiny for Destiny, was as fun as watching Destiny, Takt, and Titan kick ass. After all this excitement, could another comparatively relaxing road trip episode be in the offing?

By: sesameacrylic

[what-the-crit-is-going-on]

Episode 9

Heading into the Leaky Tap inn, Jester immediately sees two men playing a card game and joins them, attempting to swindle them. Caleb uses Frumpkin to help cheat but she loses 7 gold when she's caught hiding cards.

They meet with Claudia, watchmaster Bryce's friend in Zadash and get some useful info about the town from her.

Ford tries to teach Beau how to compliment in a normal way that doesn't sound like sarcasm. Caleb teaches Nott new magic: unseen servant. Or at least he tries to before the rest of the Nein get caught up in spying on an odd group being led into the cellar of The Leaky Tap.

They sneak to the cellar where the group of people had gone for a “political meeting”. The group is called the knights of requital and are apparently aimed at changing the state of the empire in Zadash. Basically a rebellion group against the empire.

Nott, jester, and Molly go out for a brief night walk in search of stores for shopping the next day as it is too late to shop now.

The next morning the group plans their day. They head for the blacksmith in the pentamarket they saw the day before. Once there they sell 6 short swords, 2 hand crossbows, 2 light crossbows, a few daggers, and 2 heavy crossbows (from the bandits that had attacked them the other night) along with the manticore manacles. This earns them one hand axe (per Jester's request) and 25 gold.

They sidetrack to the archive for Caleb where they hear a town crier mention revolutionaries being apprehended at the Capital City, reminding Fjord and Beau of what they had sat in on the night before.

Nott spies a fancy woman leaving the archive and follows after her, intending to pickpocket her. She only manages to take two buttons from the woman's blouse after her mage hand had accidentally pops them off.

Once Nott returns to the Nein they leave the area and head towards a job board near the court house. Upon approaching a somewhat heavily guarded court house, Nott disguises herself as a four foot tall fjord as she's only ever seen people use disguise self and turn into Fjord.

They take note of a sell sword inquiry and continue towards the bathhouse The Steams Respite, to discuss it more there and relax. They get their bath and their clothes cleaned as well at the price of 4 silver each (except Caleb who pays 3 for the bath only).

While in the bathhouse they scan around at the few people enjoying the hot water. An old couple and a familiar face lounging like a badass across the water from them. Yasha had been following behind them and made it to Zadash a little bit after them, deciding to get herself a relaxing bath before meeting up with them again.

Molly, now disrobed, had his extensive tattoos on display. He's covered in them.

Jester continues to make all the critters sad as she discusses her faith in the traveller to Yasha and the group saying followers of the traveller had “very small group meetings with the traveller...usually just me”. Yasha reveals that she worships the stormlord and that she owes him her life and so she does whatever she's told by them, somewhat explaining her absence.

They bathe a somewhat reluctant Nott and teach her a bit how to swim as well. It's all very endearing.

They depart the bath (Beau and Yasha wait it out for the other to leave first playing a game of gay bathhouse chicken). Yasha ends up leaving first and Beau gets a very nice view~.

The Mighty Nein get to the king's hall to inquire about the roving beast note they found on the board while Caleb and Jester go to the pillow trove for her mother's package. The 5 who ask about the job find out they will be paid a hefty 700 gold for proof of the creatures demise, and that it is in the sewers near the Trispire. (A very nice and gaudy building in the best part of town. Arguably THE best and most gaudy building).

Caleb is too grungy to enter the higher end area of town where the Trove is located so Jester persuades a guard to walk her in, making her all alone by the time she gets to go inside the inn.

Caleb tries to send Frumpkin in after her but a guard spots the cat and kicks it dealing 1 point of damage and Frumpkin evaporates into thin air as his max hp is 1.

Jester's mother hadn't sent anything...yet. So she gets a room for herself in The Pillow Trove to maybe wait out the night and see if her package arrives in the morning. She talks with “the traveller” for a bit discussing her mother and how it may be too soon for her to have sent anything yet and she leaves to find Caleb and head back to the group.

Meanwhile Caleb is unable to make it past the guards to get to the smut shop within the upper class district and is sent away.

After regrouping, The Mighty Nein decide it's beast killing time and head off towards the Trispire sewers to make good on the 700 gold bounty.

[kfdirector]

Student Awareness of Nonstandard Danger Society

     It was 3:54 in the afternoon, on September 27th, a Monday.

    Tracey was the one with the headphones on, while the others were gathered in room 203 to hammer out the schedule for the upcoming week.

    Potential drug deal.  Indecent exposure in the park.  Someone taking Chinese food orders for the rest of the department.  And then, something a bit complex for the memorized code numbers.

    She looked up.  “Um, hey, everyone?”  She had their attention.  “They’re talking about some kind of disturbance at a shopping center, um, the one just down the road actually, people saying either a bear or an alligator on the loose.”

    Mario gave her an odd look.  “Who could possibly - a bear or an alligator?”

    Niewitzski rubbed his chin.  “Throw in a giant lobster or maybe a praying mantis and put it all in a blender, that would be a - oh, crap!  That’s where the van is!”

    He started to push himself up, as Stella slammed the desk hard and nearly knocked him back.  “Then we ride!  Either to finally find our monster, or else just to protect our property!”

    Niewitzski found his balance back, his ankle still a bit sore in his air cast but getting better all the time.  “SANDS!  It is go time!”  With his foot nearly healed, he could get moving at a pretty good pace down the hallway -

    “Hey!  No running in the hall - Niewitzski?!”

    “Sorry, Jibrail!  An emergency!”

    The vice-principal watched as the five students ran with him.  He called after - “That involves all of them?”

    “I’ll explain later!”

    That was, to Niewitzski’s knowledge, a lie.  He had no plan to explain how and why a schoolteacher, without prior arrangement with parents or faculty, would have five students join him in his car for an impromptu trip four miles down the road.  He had barely more plan to deal with a monster eating people four miles down the road. He was going to focus on coming up with an answer for the latter.

    Despite the poor power-to-weight ratio of his car, he could still squeeze a bit of speed out of it when he needed, or wanted - but of course the police would also be responding, so he could keep it down a bit.  Say, to ninety-five miles an hour.

    “SHINE, JESUS, SHINE!”

    Stella had taken advantage of her shotgun call to change Niewitzski’s radio about a moment after he had turned the ignition.  Given the speed and the crisis, he saw no advantage in potentially offending God or Stella by changing the channel back, so it stayed.  He figured he was already inviting enough trouble by passing a patrol car - one with lights and sirens going - that was heading in the same direction.

    Seeing an empty intersection coming up, he crossed the median, hit the curb on the far side, and rode straight up a small hill into an empty parking lot - someone without a death wish planning to follow him would take a while to do so.  He spared a moment’s glance in the rear view mirror for his passengers.  Mario, normally brown, was white.  Craig, normally white, was clear.  Joe was grinning like a loon.  Stella was ranting.  “Can’t this junkheap go any faster?  Even on a teacher’s salary you should do better!”

    Rubber burned, brakes squealed, and a third noise he couldn’t identify but knew was a bad noise, automotively speaking, was heard as he yanked the emergency brake, twisted the steering wheel, and brought the car spinning through the parking lot, spiraling toward Stella’s van.

    Niewitzski’s cell phone, sitting in the drink holder, buzzed with a text message.

    Joe picked it up.  “Someone called Regina says ‘R U CRAZY’, question-mark exclamation-point frowny-face.  Are you seeing someone other than Miss Early?”

    His car came to a rest a yard from Stella’s van.  She grabbed the keys and stepped out before it was at a full and complete stop.

    “One, don’t think so; two, not sure if I’m really seeing her either; three, good news, that patrol car we passed was hers.  We might still get away with this.”  He thrust his hand to the back seat, Joe slapped his phone into it, and the rest of the gang piled out after Stella.

    She had pulled open the back of the van and was attempting to identify things for the benefit of the others.  “Tracey, Craig!  You guys know how this stuff works, right?”

    Tracey hesitated; Craig did not.  “You betcha!”

    “Great!  Run this equipment!  Do science!  Joe, Mario, Coach!”  Niewitzski shook his head.  He didn’t want more than one of them calling him ‘coach’.  “You guys know how weapons work, right?”  Niewitzski shook his head harder, for other objections.  “We’re underage, so I got melee weapons!  Baseball bats, batons, axes, that sort of thing.  Take your pick!  Coach, take them if you want, if you’re gonna use a gun you have to bring your own.  My dad wasn’t feeling that guilty.”

    Niewitzski thought of the holster at his ankle not in an air cast, and thought maybe he could leave it there this time.  He reached for a baton.

    “Also!  Coach!  You need to bring the van in close to wherever the monster is, so the scanning equipment can all do the science close to it!”

    “Yes, ma’am,” Niewitzski started to snark, as he opened the driver’s door of the van.  He paused, a mournful look on his face.  “...it’s a stick.”

    “What?!”  Stella cried out to the heavens in petty and ill-timed outrage.  “All the greatest cars have manual transmissions!  Superior control, classic styling!”     “I drive the same car I’ve been driving since I was eighteen.  Does that look like classic styling?  And the greatest cars these days are electric with continuously variable - ”

    “Philistine!  Fine, I’ll drive!  You ride shotgun, as my Responsible Adult!”

    She could make the van move forward, which was more than Niewitzski could have managed, but each pump of the clutch was a roll of the dice.  Stella muttered something obscene under her breath.  “Okay, I’ll get this thing replaced before our next outing!”

    “That’s fine, that’s - just, there!  Over there!”

    The reason for the invocation of bears or alligators was a bit more clear.  It was big, it walked on two legs, it had scales.  And the lack of ‘lobster’ or ‘praying mantis’ was similarly clear; this one didn’t look quite like the one he’d already fought.  Its claws were elongated paws with unreasonably large nails, rather than pincers; it’s jaw was large, protruding, and very toothy.  That the reports had been even that accurate was a surprise, Niewitzski thought - masses of panicking people were usually not great eyewitnesses.  And the panic was appropriate, as the monster was currently lifting a subcompact car over its head.

    Tracey and Craig stared at the monster through electronic eyes; Mario and Joe and Stella and Niewitzski through organic ones.

    “Remember,” Stella said, pumping adrenalin clear in her voice, “scan every possible frequency and mode and - and whatever else the science back there does!  No stone unturned!”

    Mario glanced over at his senior.  “Joe, I’m thinking - maybe the baseball bat feels a little inadequate.”

    “Fire axes?”

    “Definitely.”

    Niewitzski leapt out of the van, and walked towards the monster, too psyched to even feel pain in his foot.  He heard Joe and Mario following him, just a few steps behind.

    “Hey!” he barked.  “HEY! Tall, dark, and squamous!”

    The monster had ears to hear, it seemed.  It tossed the subcompact car away, and turned to face him.

    “You think you can pull stuff like this?  In my town?  Hah! Forget it, bub!”  He doubted it had even the slightest clue what he was saying.  That was irrelevant: the banter was for his own morale, not its.  “Hell, I took one of you on just the other day!  He was bigger, nastier, had the advantage of ambush, and I still kicked his ass!  Look at you: not even a weird-ass tentacle-tongue thing or pincer claws!  And me, with the numbers this time!”

    He let his baton hang from his wrist, dropped and drew his handgun.  “I don’t know where you’re from, or why you’re here, but you’re starting something, and I’ve got a problem with that!  Now, you can stand down and submit to the lawful authority of the State of Colorado, United States of America, or we can open up a whole can of jellied whoop-ass!”

    “Fuck yeah, Coach!”     “Language, Joe!”

    The monster began to approach.

    Niewitzski proceeded to call upon a technique learned from a few videos and practiced three or four times a few summers ago.  Ordinarily, he reasoned, dangerous creatures of this size tended to take a very long time to die from blood loss.  A bear, for instance, you could hit with an axe, and it would still find the chewy bits in your skull before it got around to dying.  Shooting a wide hole through something, though, almost always helped: if it had a skin, that implied there were things inside it wanted to keep in, or things outside it wanted out, and either way, frustrating those plans by puncturing it was always the right answer!

    That was his theory.  He fired two rounds at the center mass, with the monster at ten yards away and getting closer.  He then raised his gun slightly, and fired right between the eyes.  Textbook Mozambique Drill, he assured himself.

    Unfortunately, he realized with his ears ringing, there was a bit of a problem.  ‘Right between the eyes’ turned out not to be quite where this thing kept its brain.

    “Oh - nuts!”  He looked for something else to shoot as it bore down on him, but Mario and Joe chose that moment to charge in from the sides, axes swinging wildly.  Niewitzski dropped the gun and kicked it away, ducking down and coming up lashing with his baton, hoping he could at least hurt the thing without risking killing one of his own students.

    Joe yelled, Mario screamed, and both of them brought their axes down in overhead chops - striking the monster, front and side.  The beast’s jaw snapped, just missing Mario’s face, and it swung a huge clawed paw at Joe, hitting him square in the chest and knocking down, Joe’s axe still wedged in its side.

    Niewitzski ran towards Joe, as Mario struggled to pull his own axe out of the monster’s scales.  Mario jumped back before he had enough leverage, staggering as a lashing claw hit him in the side of the head, clutching his ear as blood flowed out.

    The teacher interposed himself between the beast and Joe, eyes on the claw it was lifting in the air, mind frantically racing for a way to block its immense strength from -

    Boom.

    Most of the monster’s head had vanished in a spray.  Apparently, somewhere in there had been the brain, because now the thing slumped to the ground, quivering slightly.

    “You idiot motherfu-”

    Jacob spun.  “Regina?” His old friend, his very beautiful and very angry friend, the redhead who, he thought in a completely useless way, really did look good in a uniform - she didn’t break stride as she approached, clenching her pump action shotgun tightly.

    “The hell were you thinking?”

    “I, uh, well - ”

    Untouched by the monster itself, he still would not come through the battle unscathed.  He didn’t even see the butt of her gun coming, and in fact only observed it by interpolating from the fact that he was now laying on the ground with a massive headache.  He did not get to lay directly on the ground for long, as she, perching over him, soon yanked his upper half up at an angle, bringing his face closer to hers as she yelled.

    “You asshole!” she shouted, and then she kissed him on the lips.  He blinked - wait, what?  “You could have been killed!”  She kissed him a second time.  “They could have been killed!”  He was almost paying enough attention to hope to be kissed a third time, but instead got punched in the face, his head jerking back just short of the asphalt.  Somehow, he thought that seemed more fair.  He tasted salt, and felt something loose in his mouth.  Maybe a molar.

    He offered a pained “ow” as the maximum amount of apology he could muster.

    “Officer, officer!” he heard Joe shout.

    Regina stood up, and having been supporting Jacob, let his head slam back onto the asphalt.

    “The monster, it’s..."

    He turned his head, she hers.

    The monster wasn’t just dissolving, or evaporating - it was fading away.  And then, it was gone.

[nothing-personal-my-dear]

Spartacus: Vengeance Rewatch - Episode 1: Fugitivus

Sex Scene: All of them. They went to a whorehouse.

“Cock”: 4

“Cunt”: 2

“Kill Them All”: 0 (I wonder if this is said at all in S2 or 3)

“Fucking Gaul”: 3

Slow motion Face Punch:0

Episode Name Dropped by: Aurelia

Memorable Death:  Aurelia

Favourite Line: “We must stand as one, or fall divided.”

- This is the greatest way they could have introduced the new Spartacus actor. It was amazing.

- Spartacus facing down that horse is beautiful.

- AGRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- DONAR!! =]

- He’s still throwing his bloody sword.

- I love that Donar has this axe thing, it’s awesome and sets him apart from the other gladiators.

- This beginning fight scene is so well done.

- Agron oh gosh. He’s so angry, so crazed by his grief. Everyone is so wary of him, but like he lost his brother. My poor baby.

-  “I believe the man dead.” – the moment I fell in love with Donar and his bromance with Agron.

- I can always rely on Agron to say “cock”

-  Spartacus has never really been a savage until right now when he carves a message into a dead guy’s chest. Seriously, wtf. 

- I’m so in love with Agron’s necklace.

- Ha! Rome, it looks like it’s still being built. That’s hilarious.

- Pompey mention!

- What is with all those masks?! How fucking creepy.

- “Where youth plummets, maturity may soar.”

- As someone who hasn’t ever paid any interest in wars, all this undoubtedly historically accurate war talk is super boring.

- Everyone under the sun is named Marcus

- Varinius!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man, seriously. Just, Brett Tucker is an Aussie actor that has been in basically everything! I can’t take him seriously.

- AND HE FUCKING SAID MONGRELS!

- Seriously this triangle between Ilithyia, Varinius, and Glaber is basically the entire subplot of S2.

- The one thing I get super bored of in Spartacus is men and their egos.

- Mira is literally in the sewers and she’s still a queen.

- Oh hey, the Veteran!

- The kid that says “I will kill many Romans” looks like Tyler Lockwood from Vampire Diaries.

- You can actually see Mira’s face fall when Aurelia comes into view. Like she knows that when Aurelia is around Spartacus can see no one else. It’s not a romantic thing, it’s a Varro thing.

- Agron and Donar bromance, I love it. Almost makes up for Duro’s death, almost.

- The Gauls are mostly comprised of New Zealanders – just an observation.

- I sometimes can’t believe that the gladiators treat the house slaves so poorly and sometimes don’t seem to give a fuck about any slaves still in chains.

- “Rabbits” - I still don’t understand this.

-  Oh, Acer.

-  Yessss Mira!!!!!

- Oh the showdown between the Gauls and the rest of the slaves is so intense and beautifully done.

- I really like that even with the new actor they still put all the same scars on him. Good job.

- Oh gosh. Mira loves Spartacus so much…..and S2 Spartacus clearly cares for her way more than he did in S1, but still. She deserves better.

- “I have proven troublesome to kill.”

- Gah, the thing with Spartacus in S2 is he cares more about killing Romans than protecting the other slaves. At least Mira and even Agron are there to pick up the slack.

- “I hear you wish to command my men.” – when I first heard this I thought it very antagonistic, like the fractions were splitting apart. But it’s more of Spartacus being the head honcho, and Crixus being a General that leads his own fraction but still reports to Spartacus. Warfare is not my thing but I’m learning.

- Yeah, because a curtain is going to give you so much privacy. Everyone can still hear you guys.

- “Did his blood bear fruit?”

- Trebius! Ah!

- Arena games!!! Oh how I miss you!

- Seppia really freaking frustrates me. She is so childish and has no idea the kinds of games she’s playing. She’s a fool.

- Seppius and Seppia are fucking right? That’s what they’re implying? A whole bunch of incest? I wanna hate it but I can see it.

- I don’t understand how the gladiator fights could be boring? Or how Batiatus’ gladiators could have made it more entertaining? You’re still watching two dudes kill each other.

- I haven’t even watch Star Wars but Oenomaus in that cloak gives me Jedi vibes.

- That guy in the alley gives me Pirates of The Caribbean vibes.

-  On one hand whenever I see Oenomaus I’m like “Don’t hurt this precious baby.” But then again “Hell yes baby you kick their asses!”

- Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!! Arm bone through the skin!!!!!!! Shit! Knife through the eye!!!!! Ah! Right through the jaw!!!!! Oenomaus is such a badass!

- Aurelia talking about how much she wants to go back to Janis. Well, you shouldn’t have left him in the first place! Her pride was as foolish as any man’s.

- “That lopsided grin. Eye’s promising mischief. I’ve seen in many times, upon his father.” –seriously my shipper heart. Spartacus loved Varro, it’s canon.

- “I fell to love the crooked bend of Varro's lips long before the man himself.” “As did I.” – IT’S MOTHERFLIPPING CANON I TELL YOU.

- I mean Spartacus can be a kind man when he wants to. He’s just very single minded.

- Gotta give their art department props. Having a fake pregnant woman be naked, and it look real….like damn, they deserve a pat on the back.

- I am loving Ilithyia’s purple gown thing though, wowzah.

- Marcus Crassus mention again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- “She was a fucking bitch” – I find that fucking hilarious.

- Agron said bleat! Goat reference! My shipper heart!

- Wow, Spartacus said “whores” somehow that’s more shocking than anything else on this show.

- I love Agron’s loyalty to Spartacus but I wish Spartacus would see it too. In this season and the next he kind of treats Agron like crap.

- “You had me at whores.” – I love Donar.

- “Avoid unnecessary risk.” Sparty, baby, do you realise who you talking to?!

- Loving the idea of Mira, Donar, and Agron planning behind Spartacus’ back. These are the people who want to protect the other slaves, not spend every day covered in Roman blood.

- “As are all things, in pursuit of a woman.” Gotta love the salty gay trope. Agron pulls it off swimmingly.

- “I will tell Janis of you. Of the man who loved his father above all others.” CANON. I really didn’t ship Spartacus and Varro this much the first time around.

- “I gave my word. Blood and Honour. It yet speaks to the man.” as said in S1.

- Gladiators in hoods is everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Woman with a massive dildo fucking a dude. Yep.

- Oh! I think this is the first penis shots we’ve had in a while.

- Guy on Guy sex. Well then. So much gay sex in this series, it’s glorious.

- The four guys throwing the girl around makes me super fucking uncomfortable, especially when you can hear her. She is so not enjoying this.

- Another memorable death = dude jerking off and just as he’s about to finish, gets a sword through his throat.

- It’s gotta suck so bad for all these guys that are dying with their dicks out. Especially that guy that got a sword right between the legs. Ouch.

- Never noticed but there’s a very very large woman in the whorehouse and a skinny guy on all fours in front of her. I’m so curious about what’s happening there.

- How many innocent body slaves died in this attack???

- Poor boy with cum all over his face.

- Trebius is so fucking disgusting. Peeing all over that girl.

- I get that this girl is probably horrendously traumatized but she really have to go and kill the only lead they had to Naevia.

- AGRON KICKING THE SHIT OUTTA TREBIUS COS HE SOLD HIM AND DURO TO BATIATUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahh my heart!

- I seriously hate Spartacus in this scene and it kind of tainted him for me. He’s telling Agron that he can’t kill Trebius as revenge for Duro, BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SPARTACUS IS DOING WITH GLABER! He’s such a fucking hypocrite!

- Crixus sticking his hand inside Trebius’ gut is so gross.

-  I get that Glaber is angry at Ilithyia but she clearly has some PTSD that is triggered by that house and he’s forcing her to stay there. Not cool.

- OVER THE CLIFF!! Yes Ilithyia!

- There’s no logical reason for that mask to be there, except to provoke memories.

- Flashback penis.

-  I never noticed but Ilithyia has a really big mouth.

- I honestly thought the figure was gonna be Spartacus, I was so surprised to see Lucretia.

- Lucretia being out of her freaking mind is magical. All the props to the actress.

- “What fragments her shattered mind yet holds.”

- Seriously, the male ego.

- Old woman slave = headcanon that she ran the whole Battiatus household. Also, that young boy slave is super attractive, how has Agron not noticed this?!?

- “Grab your fucking cock.” – oh wait, maybe he has! Ha!

- Foreshadow of Agron not thinking house/body salves are worth much. Ahhhhhhh how wrong he shall be ;)

- “We knew this day would come” SPARTACUS YOU MADE THIS DAY COME, YOU WROTE A FUCKING MESSAGE! Gah!

- Angry little lost boy. Agron is my fave if you can’t already tell.

-  “That is no longer my title.” – poor baby.

- “There is but one place for an animal without honour.”

- Singleminded Spartacus is one of my least faves.

- I love how they take Lucretia way back to the drought, to before Spartacus killed Theokoles.

- I really love how in this show they show woman with pubic hair, COS IT’S FUCKING NATURAL and women shouldn’t have to shave because society tells them to.

- “Smashed upon the cliffs.” – foreshadowing!

- Argh! This leaning back shit women do during sex scenes on tv annoys the hell outta me. That move is done purely for the male viewers. For the women doing it, it’s really fucking awkward.

-  “You bark as a dominus.” “Sheep stand idle if not prodded by snapping jaw.” – I love Agron and Donar moments.

- “Let us compare teeth and have answer.” – they are basically talking about comparing dick sizes right?????

- Lucretia with dark hair and wearing a purple dress. Goddess.

- “Do not shed fucking tear.”

- Fucking love that Lucretia is the one to spot Spartacus.

- Seppius rolling his eyes at Glaber. Me too, bro, me too.

- Ah the foreshadow of Glaber and Seppia. Yuck.

- The rebels coming to Spartacus’ aid. I love their loyalty.

- Seriously Donar and his axe.

- Agron picking up Aurelia and throwing her over his shoulder. It’s hilarious because she is so freaking tiny compared to him, and also cos he’s super gay and doesn’t understand females at all.

- Lucretia and Crixus seeing each other again is super powerful.

- MIRA with a “fucking Gauls.” Did not see that coming.

-  “Do any of us hold fucking worth to you?”

- Mira’s little rant to Spartacus is all well and good, but did she have to be mean to Agron.

- The Spartacus and Crixus bromance is strong in S2.

- VENGEANCE NAME DROP.

- Agron looks so little, so small and young. My baby.

- I still fucking hate Aurelia.

- I do love that Agron was willing to go and fight Glaber because of Aurelia, someone he didn’t even seem to like at all.Baby’s got a heart.

- THE BEGINNING OF THE REBEL ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!YAAAAAS!

[poesiamaira]

Description: --Poems from Byron's Blood and Bone --Riders of the Deadline -- --Platform verse -- --Quarto 8 Ala 10 -- --Dondola palinode -- --Leaving hospital -- --Catharsis -- --Area Under the Curve -- --Bessmertie -- --Barbarismo e realidada -- --E il naufragar m'è dolce in questo mare -- --Never trust anyone who is rude to a waiter -- --The universal pig -- --Country fuckmyballs -- --Making Hey! -- --Question rhyme -- --Insomnia -- --Self-pity -- --The pause of death -- --Lala, não caçoa -- --Poetry can only survive if it has mutable forms -- --A difficult dwarf -- --The hemingway's dildo -- --The needle recall -- --Pela volta do termo Neurastênico -- --The Nhô pressure -- --Death who -- --Malakabeça -- --Spleen -- --The embalmer -- --Walking through cops -- --Planting zen -- --A pint of panick -- --Ich bin allein -- --Desculpe o auê -- --Three miles prank -- --Dead half -- --Parabellum cancelled -- --Apopologies -- --O liuro -- --From Down County -- --Resurrection -- --Sex education at Minerva Hotel -- --Disambiguazoni della Sapienza -- --Thanatos Live Stream-- --Bad aurea proportio -- Poems Down the Lake with Half a Choke -- --Death after death -- --Vestige writing -- --Para os deuses, ele tinha ido para casa -- --Suddenly a secret -- --Full erect leeches -- --The effect Buriti -- --Deadline -- --Rilke did it -- --Moments of trufa -- --Boogie Woogie Rangers 1965 -- --A farm in the high I am not sure -- --The devil's disgrammccarthyism -- --Será que amando eu durmo? -- --The ball kicks kicking -- --Delicious dirty dyke -- --Cedeu-se -- --Strangled prose with galinholas -- --The noistupid -- --Shooting cocks -- --Going back for a shag -- --The past erection -- --Poems from animal shite -- --Pregnant vowels -- --Milking the bull -- --Standard ratio studiorum -- --A farm in New York Philharmonic -- --The Ibizas -- --The big bwana -- --The cattle horror show -- --Second thoughts on Shipspotting -- --In a Saharian woodland -- --Superphosphate -- --Cajamarca phone -- --Five thousand dearest paddocks -- --Vida de santo map -- --The dry asshole -- --Shotgun tells his mother -- --Gestalt boobs -- --Lesbia Arantes do Nascimento -- --The nevertheless -- --Pastoral of a misfit-- --Poems from Up Your Ass-- --The end of the reas' on -- --She sighed for just a sec of melody -- --Allow, Lavinia -- --A note from Sade Station -- --After sharing zuzos -- --The nude and the quiet -- --Faceist parangolé -- --The rock fuckmycunt -- --Noël Coward's rural affairs -- --A half-remembered virtue -- --Bring my mules -- --Alegria de mesa -- --Mind space for drugs -- --European brejo -- --The rabbit at all -- --After a dry martini perhaps -- --Driving through Los Alamos -- --Unspecific anxiety wanting to be -- --Erosion and sanity -- --DJ vu -- --The poet's embalmer -- --Pig Parnaso -- --The cannots -- --A most parasite day -- --The verandah -- --Paguemos o Século -- --Hemos de Ser practice -- --So-and-so's famous poem -- --Getting through a quiet passion -- --The calling of Vaivém -- --Caraça's self-portrait -- --Non serviam -- --Saint Tropez I could understand -- --The new as well as you -- --Little eulogical -- --The slow garden -- --O my shining fannyguns wake -- --Hum penetrators -- --A memorial service -- --The kneel-down pier -- --Dispossessed -- --Bolshevik-Biocosmist -- --Poems from Things to Happen -- --Chiffons de papier -- --The tanga meaning -- --Bucolica -- --The land self -- --Tarsila não pinta "Mais" -- --A decaying form -- --The silvioromeros -- --A Elvira Pagô? -- --Scar horizon -- --The snake in the Lit Department -- --Woman with an axe -- --The exploding snake -- --Nocturno -- --To my dogs -- --Those yabadabadus -- --The klaxon -- --Incipiendum room -- --Her first poem -- --Blood reconnections -- --Diag noses -- --Haematopoietics -- --The sick pencil persevera -- --The last few gays and knights -- --Someone is where the hurt is -- --The poem's embalmer -- --Cyotoxic rigor -- --More light, more light -- --Wordy wordy dummy dummy -- --The excisional moment -- --Tia Melbourne -- --Kabelluda -- --Call it a dripper -- --Elizabethan fellows -- --"But wait" meme -- --Crude -- --Pleasea -- --O mar é acontecer -- --Lalinha, o chumbo do mundo /

maira parula

[etraytin]

Never have I ever...written bed-sharing or fake dating

I haven’t written either of these before, surprisingly enough! Fake-dating is a tough trope for The West Wing anyway, where most of the romantic conflict comes from wanting to date but not being able to be seen dating, rather than the other way around. But bed sharing… that I can work with. :D 

“Are you fucking serious?” Gingerasked nobody in particular, staring at the squalid little hotel roomwith amazed disgust. “This has got to be some kind of joke.”

Margaret elbowed past her to getthrough the door, dropping her overnight case next to a televisionthat had been new when Ford was president. “Don’t look at me, yourboss made the arrangements. So if anything, I’m going to blame youbecause you should’ve known better.”

“At least it wasn’t Josh,” Donnaadded helpfully, squeezing in through the space Margaret had made.“We’d probably be booked into a youth hostel or something because Idon’t think he knows the difference.” She stuck her head into thebathroom and immediately pulled it back out again. “Well, they’vegot the little soaps,” she observed with an attempt at brightness.“And I’ve got a scented candle in my bag.”

“Didn’t you learn your lesson aboutcandles after Belarus?” Margaret asked. “I mean, I think therewas some kind of presidential order involved…”

“It’s a Yankee Candle, all right?”Donna retorted, her pale cheeks blushing a bright pink. “I got itin Richmond, I think the bomb dogs will be okay with it this time.”Both women began unpacking their overnight cases with the efficiencyof seasoned travelers.

Ginger was still standing in thedoorway. “There’s one bed!” she observed loudly, disbelievingly.“All three of us are assigned to the same room and there’s onebed!”

“At least it’s a big bed,” Margaretpointed out. “I doubt this would work at all if it were a double.But I can’t sleep in the middle, I have restless legs and I usuallyneed to get up and urinate around two-thirty.”

“Dibs on not-middle,” Donna addedimmediately. “Josh will probably call at… oh, speak of thedevil.” Because Ginger was still blocking the doorway, the door wasopen to allow any passing curious Deputy Chief of Staff to peekinside.

“Hey Donna, I need the- wait, are allthree of you sharing this room?” Josh asked, peering inside asGinger cleared out of the way with a disgruntled huff. “With onebed? Man, that’s like a setup for a-”

“A sexual harassment lawsuit thatwould allow me to spend the rest of my life in a style to which I’dlike to become accustomed?” Donna asked sweetly, interposingherself between Josh and the room. It was for his own good, really.Ginger looked like she was ready to resort to violence and she mightnot wait to find Toby.

Josh arranged his face intoappropriately sober lines. “Anyway, I need the stuff for the thingwith State tomorrow. I’m gonna need you to call up Ed and Larry and-”

She cut him off again. “In case youhaven’t noticed, it is nearly 11pm here in Chicago, which means it ismidnight in DC. Ed and Larry have gone home. Everyone in LegislativeAffairs is sleeping. Everyone at the State Department is sleeping,with the exception of a few unlucky staffers making sure there’s nonuclear war. Toby and Sam are sleeping. You should be sleeping. And Ineed to prepare for the lingerie pillow fight we’re about to have inhere, so goodnight, Josh.”

Donna closed the door on his stunnedface, turned around and counted three. “DONNA!” came thestrangled yelp through the door. Giggling, she threw the chain on andwent to find her scented candle.

…

“This is the worst night of my life.And I grew up in South Jersey, so that’s saying something.”

“Oh my god, Ginger, just go tosleep.” Donna put the pillow over her head. “We have to be up infive hours.”

“Easy for you to say,” Gingermuttered, “you’re not sleeping next to Adam Vinatieri over here.”On Ginger’s other side Margaret was sleeping obliviously, mask overher eyes and headphones over her ears.

“You could sleep on the bus,” Donnasuggested. “It’s not so bad, I used to do it all the time.”

“Yeah, next time I want to getax-murdered I’ll definitely try that.” Ginger punched her pillow.“Senior staffers all got their own rooms on this trip. I’m going tokill Toby slowly as soon as I see him again. Gruesomely. I know guys,Donna. Guys with connections.”

“I actually think Toby may be moremobbed up than you are, even if you did grow up in New Jersey,”Donna pointed out with a yawn.

“I’m a desperate and angry woman,that counts for a lot.” Ginger rolled over and bumped into Donna’sside, then made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. “Hey,I know! Why don’t you go sleep in Josh’s room?”

Donna lifted the pillow enough to peekout. “Josh’s room only has one bed, too.”

“But it’s got enough room for twopeople,” Ginger suggested with a grin Donna could see in the dark.“I bet he wouldn’t say no, and you could solve a couple of problemsat once.”

“Ginger!” Donna hissed.

“Oh come the hell on, who do youthink you’re fooling anyway? You two have been flirting like crazyfor four years now,” Ginger insisted, giving Donna a poke in theribs. “If I’d just met you I’d guess you were already married fromthe way you argue. You might as well get some of the bennies too,right?”

Before Donna could answer, Margaretlifted one earphone. “Don’t even think about it,” she told Donnaflatly. “Leo would have a heart attack shortly after killing bothof you. It would be extremely bad for our operational efficiency.”

“You’re awake!” Ginger burst out,losing all interest in Donna. “You’ve been awake this whole timeand you’ve still been kicking me!”

“I have restless legs,” Margaretreminded her primly.

“Restless legs my ass,” Gingermuttered, dropping her voice to add something about the restless backof her hand.

“You’re more than welcome to sleep onthe bus,” Margaret told her. “Hardly anyone gets ax-murderedanymore. You’re far more likely to be abducted and sold into humantrafficking.”

“Not helping!” Gingerostentatiously turned her back on Margaret, securing her blanket moretightly around herself. They’d at least managed to secure threeseparate blankets, or the situation would’ve been entirely untenable.“How about I tie your legs together instead?”

“Then I would just be kicking withboth legs instead of one at a time,” Margaret pointed outreasonably. “I hardly think that would be any better. Have youthought about sleeping in the fetal position, so that your legs aredrawn up and out of range? I hear it’s amazingly restful for peoplewho can keep their legs still at night.”

“I’m not just going to cede the bedto you because you can’t keep your legs to yourself!” Gingerinsisted, flipping back onto her back and looking about ready tothrow down. “Maybe you could sleep with your legs on a chair so youdon’t hit anybody!”

“That’s enough!” Donna sat upabruptly in bed, slipping her shoes onto her feet and throwing herblanket around her shoulders. “I will go sleep on the bus! I’vedone it a dozen times without getting ax-murdered or humantrafficked, and honest to god, at this point that is a risk I amwilling to take! I will see you in the morning!” She picked up herpurse and swept out, blanket trailing behind her like a cape.

…..

For all Josh tended to resist sleeplike a hyperactive toddler at bedtime, when he did finally pass outhe was a deep sleeper. It was just as well, then, that Donna had akey to his room. Shivering, she let herself into his room and hurriedto the thermostat, turning the temperature up by another fivedegrees. The heat kicked on with a rattle loud enough to wake thedead, or in this case, the deputy. He looked around blearily. “Whatare you doing here? It’s not six yet, is it?”

“No,” she admitted wearily, “It’sabout two-thirty. I couldn’t cope with Margaret and Ginger fightingover the bed anymore so I went to sleep on the bus, but it was toocold.”

“Donna!” he exclaimed, sitting up.“We had the conversation about sleeping on the bus already! Youcould get mugged by a band of roving Republicans looking for campaignsecrets! Or freeze to death!”

“I didn’t expect it to be quite socold this late in the year. But I’m just so tired!” She could hearthe whine in her voice but was too exhausted to temper it. Josh wouldjust have to cope.

He sighed., which turned into a hugeyawn. “All right, come on then.” Sliding back down into the bed,he raised the covers to let her in.

She stared in disbelief. “Josh…”

“What?” he asked, blinking at her.“You’re exhausted, I’m exhausted, we’re both practically fullyclothed and we have to be awake in less than four hours. If you don’tget any sleep tonight, both of us are going to be useless tomorrow.So get in the damn bed.”

Donna actually found that logicdifficult to argue with, though she suspected it might be mostlybecause she was so tired. Whatever the reason, she found herselfcrossing the room and slipping under the covers next to him. The bedwas deliciously warm on her chilly skin, and the pillow smelledpleasantly of Josh’s aftershave. “You don’t kick, do you?” shemumbled, her eyes already closing.

“Never had any complaints,” heassured her, reaching out and smoothing a few silky strands of herhair off his pillow and away from his face. She felt his hand barelyghost along her shoulder. “Go to sleep now.”

“Mm-kay.” There was a significantchance she would never hear the end of this from Margaret and Ginger,but as she slipped into deep, restful, kickless sleep, Donna thoughtit might just be worth it.

(This story is also archived at AO3 under the title “Roll Over.” ) 

[dalekofchaos]

How Me and my friend would change Twilight

Here’s how Me and my friend @aspiecrow would change Twilight.

The short version. Make Charlie, Bella, Alice, Rosalie Jacob and Leah the protagonists, make the Cullen family pure evil and the villains and have the romance be between Bella and Alice.

Basic Plot: Charlie Swan is excited that his daughter Bella has arrived in the small town of Forks, Washington to live with him. However, almost as soon as she arrives and settles in, Charlie begins to notice that Bella has become unhealthily obsessed with a boy in her school, and that something isn't quite right about the whole situation. It is then that his best friend takes him aside and turns his entire world upside down.

Finding out that his best friend Billy is part of a shapeshifter tribe that has an uneasy truce with a clan of undead creatures who live in the town (the head of which is the town doctor who Charlie has trusted for years), and now it looks like the truce will be coming to an end, as the clan are grooming Charlie's daughter to become their newest member.

Rather than being a cop, Charlie is the Fire Chief in the Forks Fire Department.  

Now it’s important to know that in our version.....The vampires don't sparkle. The Cullens are not vegetarians, they are blood thirsty monsters. It’s only Alice and Rosalie who are vegan vampires.

Vampires in this version, their skin becomes vulnerable to objects that are blessed by the Church's priests or Shapeshifter Shamen’s magic.

Forks, Washington actually looks like it does in real life (if it doesn't work for the story, change it to another location).

The tribe that Jacob belongs to is explicitly called "shapeshifters", not werewolves. They also shapeshift into different animals, like black bears, cougars, and birds. It’s only Jacob and Billy who can shapeshift into a wolf. Leah shifts into a Cougar. Emily shifts into a Eagle and Sam shifts into Black Bear.

While imprinting doesn't exist, Sam and Emily are in an abusive relationship, with Sam acting like it's no big deal that he mutilated Emily. This is resolved when Leah and Emily team-up and kick Sam's ass, sending him packing.

Bella and Charlie actually have a great relationship. Bella is not emotionally distant or horrible to him.

Bella adores Jessica, Angela, Eric and Mike. She is never cold or distant to them and always lets her friends know about what’s going on after she breaks free from Edward’s thrawl.

Angela and Jessica belong to a Coven of Witches. The Cullens do not dare cross the Coven. Angela and Jessica are girlfriends.

Mike and Eric are just humans and Bella’s friends and Jessica and Angela’s beards. 

Bella is more likable rather than the complete sociopath Meyer gave us

Bella only starts to act the way she does in Meyer's scribbling when Edward starts to groom her for either eating or Siring.

The Volturi remain exactly as they are in the movies because that's incredibly entertaining. and the only good part about them cause the overacting was a work of brilliance!

At the end of the first book Charlie, Alice, Rosalie, The Coven and the shifter tribe manages to save Bella and kill James and Esme. The rest of the Cullens flee as it has never happened for decades for a vampire to be killed, so they flee and go to see the Volturi. 

Edward and James are best friends, partners in crime, they’ve feasted on many girls together throughout the years of their immortal lives. Together they were gonna drain Bella dry. But James would’ve been killed along with Esme.

For the next two books we have Charlie, Bella, Angela, Jessica, Rosalie and Alice become a kickass vampire hunting team. Eventually Jacob, Seth and Leah would’ve been recruited.

Jacob Black’s character remains as it did in Twilight and New Moon as he was horribly made out of character in the last two books. Jacob is Bella’s bestie. 

Bella, and Alice are in love. While Rosalie and Leah get together in Eclipse.

The Cullens would team up with Victoria as they all seek revenge for Esme and James.

There will be a subplot about Bella, Alice, Rosalie and Leah trying to get Emily out of her abusive relationship with Sam.

Thanks to Charlie’s position in the Fire Department and his friendship with the Shapeshifter Clan, Charlie gets his axe and the water in the departments Firetrucks all blessed by the clan’s magic. Charlie now has the means to fight the Vampires. 

In New Moon. What happens is Alice and Rosalie have to go into hiding to keep Bella safe as the Volturi have sent assassins. Bella still finds friendship in Jacob, but also  with Leah(this is Jacob being Leah's wingman) Bella would not be distant towards Jessica or Angela and would not seek thrills to hurt herself. But the big change is Victoria after she kills Harry, Charlie hunts her and wounds her with a blessed axe. Also instead of Bella cliff diving, Victoria throws Bella off a cliff and attempts to kill Bella. Alice had a mental breakdown and intends to go to the Volturi to do what Edward was attempting to do but she would've burst into flames and Rosalie brings Bella to save her. Alice tells Aro that she will turn Bella. Tensions are high when Bella, Alice and Rosalie return. Leah and Jacob. Alice and Rosalie tell them that they are not their family, they have been trying to leave the Cullens for a long time. So they come to a new peace treaty. Help them kill Victoria and The Cullen clan and there will be peace, but if Bella is turned, the treaty is over. Bella and Charlie return home and begin preparation into hunting down and killing the Cullens together as a family.

Eclipse. Riley would be genderbent because Victoria is a lesbian and James was her beard and abuser(if you look at her wiki it says James only saw her as a trophy and an asset). Moving on. The plan to use an army of Newborn Vampires would remain the same. Rosalie and Leah would begin a relationship to the shock of the tribe, Alice and Jacob. Absolutely no one keeps Bella in the dark. Alice tells Bella everything while they visit Renee. There is no love triangle. Angela and Jessica have cast a protection spell on Bella and Charlie. Jacob is trying to keep Bella safe and does not want her to be a casualty of a war if the treaty fails. It's basically a team up of Bella, Alice, Jacob, Angela, Jessica, Rosalie and Leah. Charlie’s Firefighting team using the blessed water easily wipes out the Newborn army. After the Newborn army have been destroyed. Everyone is surprised that only Victoria and Riley are there. The rest of the Cullens are nowhere to be found.  Given her advanced age, Rosalie easily kills Riley. While Victoria closes in on Bella, Angela, Jessica, Alice and Rosalie are drained from fighting Riley and the army, and Victoria shatters Jacob's collar bone. But to Victoria's surprise Bella and Charlie together manages to kill Victoria using everything they learned together and what Charlie taught Bella. They manage to save Jacob in time. Bella and Alice sleep peacefully as the threat for the moment is over. But Alice and Bella share a collective dream. Edward. He simply tells them “I’ll see you soon.” But.... that wasn’t all. They see Edward in the home of Renee and leaves you to assume the worst. End of Eclipse.

Breaking Dawn. It begins with Renee's funeral. Bella is both heartbroken and outraged. Edward has taken nearly everything from her, so now it's Bella's turn to hurt him and avenge Renee. Breaking Dawn signifies The Cullens' return and they cut a bloody path in Forks. Carlisle kills Billy while Jacob is forced to watch and helpless to do anything. Jasper and Emmett slaughter Sam's pack. Jacob, Leah and Seth are the only survivors. I wasn't kidding when I said The Cullens would be pure evil. This is their revenge for Esme and driving them out of Forks. They have been seeking the Volturi's permission for their revenge, they used Victoria and Riley as their pawns and when that failed. They have returned. To kill Bella, Charlie and her allies one by one. Edward kills Eric, and Mike to punish Bella sending her calling cards to let her know he was the one who killed them. Edward would never dare mess with the Witches, so he just hits them where it hurts by killing Mike and Eric. Edward wounds Charlie, but not kills him. Now it's time to strike back. The Coven will keep The Volturi at bay. To prepare Bella. Alice has no choice but to turn Bella. Her shield abilities as a vampire will come in handy against Edward's mind games. Jacob and Leah hunt and corner Jasper and rip him apart like a ragdoll. Rosalie visits Emmett. Rosalie kills him and shows no remorse and throws her ring into the fire with Emmett. Alice finally confronts Carlisle. Remembering everything he has made her done and everything he has done. Carlisle greets her as he always has. As his play thing and "child" and scolds her for her treachery. "you will all pay for what you did to your darling mother" Tells her what Edward intends to do to Bella. "my beautiful Edward intends to make your Bella suffer before he kills her" and they finally fight. Carlisle spats out every form of abuse at Alice, saying he should have left her to die in the asylum and Alice finally overcomes her fear and kills Carlisle. Alice kills her abusive father and she is finally free from her past. And to the finale. Bella, Charlie and Edward. Bella goes to the Cullen estate to kill Edward. Edward plays his mind games with Bella. Telling him all this death and destruction is her fault. All she had to do was die by his and James' hands and everything would've gone perfect but she ruined everything. Bella shuts everything out. It finally ends with Bella beating Edward and venting out her rage and frustrations on Edward and together with Charlie, they decapitate Edward, finally killing him. Bella's last words to Edward is "that was for my mother, you son of a bitch" Bella kills her abuser and finally the Cullen clan are killed for good. Breaking Dawn ends with Bella and Alice and Rosalie and Leah's weddings....and Aro marrying them off because that's how extra Aro is

Now onto The Cullen family.

Carlisle. Okay so we know that he and his father were priests. Now this is where everything changes, as a vampire Carlisle is an emotionally and mentally manipulative monster.  Carlisle used his position as priest as a mask and to hunt humans. Carlisle then kills his way to become a doctor as he thought that religion became boring and the long con is no longer fun to him and decided to evolve and has been feeding on Forks ever since. Carlisle only chooses to sire the absolute worst of human society as he feels he should only be in the presence of monsters such as himself. 

Esme. As a human, she was a black widow in Forks.  She just so happened to be one in Carlisle's flock and he found out and it attracted him and decided to turn her and they were partners in blood ever since.

Edward is a complete and utter bastard. His past is rather than being a victim of the Spanish plague, he took part in the Spanish Inquisition torture as a human and as a vampire, he is on Angelus levels of awful. Rather than spending his immortality going to school for the rest of his life, there is an actual purpose for that. That is how he chooses his victims. He uses his charming good looks and charm as a lure for his victims, his victims as a trade mark being high school girls. When they are under his thrall, they are not themselves. They are distant, codependent on Edward, high and mighty, get them to push everyone away, so when he gets what he wants, nobody looks that deep when they disappear.  He is much like he is in actual continuity, only we are supposed to see how he treats Bella as horrible because it is. He stalks her, he is only attracted to her because of her smell and watches her sleep cause seeing his prey sleep is amusing to him. We are not supposed to think this is cute, we are meant to see the way he treats her and his victims as wrong and abusive. He lures them in, gets them under their thrall and when they push everyone away, he kills them, however, with Bella he thought differently, he wanted to turn her or he just wanted to slowly drain her until there was nothing left.

Rosalie was born into a wealthy family and lived through the great depression. The attention she got due to her upbringing made her self-absorbed, shallow, and materialistic.While her family wanted more, Rosalie was content of being Rosalie. Rosalie was in a loveless relationship and Rosalie was raped by her fiance and his drunk friends. Eventually Rosalie would kill them one by one and saving her fiance for last. Carlisle turns Rosalie just because he feels like he can manipulate her and turn her into a monster like the rest of the family. But Rosalie did not want to be like the rest of the Cullens. After avenging her rape and murder, she did not want to feed on a human being, Rosalie would choose to feed on animals instead and the only one she was close with was Alice. Alice was the only one she felt close to and eventually, Bella. Rosalie fell in love with Bella.  Rosalie knows all to well how manipulative and dangerous men are, especially from her family. So Rosalie would turn against her family with Alice and save Bella. The relationship between Bella and Rosalie is actually healthy and loving, by the end of the second book they become close friends and in the third book they stand together against Victoria and in the fourth and final book they stand united against The Cullen family.

Jasper was a Confederate soldier, only he would be as awful as the South, he was fighting for slavery and oppression and as a vampire he is so much worse, even taking part in the trail of tears which definitely gives Jacob’s family a reason to hate Jasper and The Cullens.  As a vampire, he viewed humans and shifters as beneath him and the rest of the vampires, so he would want to keep slaves to feed on. 

Emmett was a Redcoat....who also happened to fight bears. Go big or go home right?

Alice along with Rosalie are the only good vampires in the Cullen clan, and becomes a turncoat to aid Charlie and she saves Bella. I’d keep her original backstory cause that is what works.  She has no memories of her past life, only the knowledge that she was once in a mental hospital. There is a grave with her name on it, with her “death” marked as the same year she was put in the sanitarium. Carlisle takes pity on the child and  manipulates her to giving her a place to belong and at some point she stopped hunting humans and only fed on animals or blood from the morgue. She grew to love Bella and finally found a way to get out and to save Bella with Rosalie, there is a lot of distrust, but eventually everyone joins forces at the end.  Bella, and Alice, Rosalie and Leah all marry They all love each other. Together they all fight The Cullens, and Victoria. 

[beholdthemem]

The second to last one makes me think Larry-and-Ash, because a Larry headcanon that will forever remain near and dear to my heart is that somehow, against all odds, he always ends up as the mom friend by default and is never going to stop being mad about it.

This is unfair. This is unjust. This is BULLSHIT, why is he the mom friend?! He’s supposed to be the stoner friend, can’t you let him fulfill his stereotype in peace?!

In a reasonable world all he would be called upon to do is make bad jokes, pick the movie they’re renting tonight, and occasionally use his Former-Juvenile-Delinquent skills for mild to moderate evil, but unfortunately he lives in the one where he seems to be the only person in a ten mile radius with any kind of self-preservation skills, so while he may not be precisely responsible, until the universe sees fit to send in a proper mom friend to replace him DEFAULT MOM FRIEND IT IS.

He is now committed to keeping the merry band of idiots he’s ended up rooming with alive, and somewhere along the way that ended up extending to not just the blue haired music major, the ginger computer science dude and the guy’s law student boyfriend, but now that one chick from the art department as well. He’s not actually sure how anyone knows her, considering neither Todd nor Sal are particularly social butterflies and Neil’s social life died the day his law career began, but they all do, and they all like her. Larry ends up hearing a lot about her before they ever actually meet.

The first time they do meet, he walks into the kitchen to find her drunk off her ass, sitting on the floor, eating his leftover lasagna straight out of the container, and upon noticing him, staring at him in weirdly intense, vaguely aggressive silence for a good minute before waxing poetic about his jawline and then passing the fuck out.

He gives her the bed and ends up taking the couch.

Ash is a bit of a mooch, but makes up for it by being funny, telling great stories, and drawing truly impressive sharpie designs on all who ask. She is also clearly going through some shit, but deflects masterfully any time someone asks. She can make anything a joke, including herself. Larry repeatedly questions her survival skills (Who the fuck gets blackout drunk in a stranger’s dorm? He could’ve been an ax murderer. He has it on good authority that he looks like an ax murderer. The fact that it did not once occur to her that he might be an ax murderer says some worrying shit about her) and grumbles loudly about her raiding the fridge, but never kicks her out. He’d never admit it, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t fond of her- and he kinda worries. She never straight up admits she’s not okay, but he knows. He knows what that looks like, and she is not okay.

On the days she’s out of energy for pretending otherwise, she sits curled up next to him on the couch in silence, and falls asleep to him humming along with the radio. 

my college experiences that would make great fic prompts:

“i thought you were my new roommate’s boyfriend so i casually invited you in but you’re actually the RA of the dorm and now you think i want to have sex with you” au

“i accidentally flooded the laundry room and you really needed to do laundry” au

“i took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because i could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly” au

“we have to go camping together and share a sleeping bag even though we’re complete strangers” au

“the cereal dispenser in the dining hall broke while i was getting froot loops and now they’re all over the floor and you blame me ” au

“we argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside of class” au