#she does psych because she wants to be the therapist her and her family needed

[chiquilines]

Miryumi uni au!! Its been ages since ive drawn them and uni aus are so dear to my heart

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[angstysebfan]

Was It A Mistake - Fin

Pairing: Bucky x Reader, Bucky x Nat Chapter Summary: The happy ending we deserve. Epilogue. We jump through time here. Warnings: Fluffy Fluff

Series Masterlist

--

Life was definitely different after the confrontation with Nat in the theater room. Nat went off to a safe house and stayed there for 9 months. She was suspended from the Avengers until she could pass a psych evaluation and be cleared. While she was away, she started seeing a therapist, and was able to figure out that while she cared for Bucky, she didn't actually love him. She had become obsessed because of trauma from a particular mission right before Bucky came to tower. When she returned to the tower, she still went to therapy almost daily for awhile, and eventually became the Nat everyone knew and loved again. She continues to be on probation and needs to have frequent check ins with Fury, Tony, and Steve.

Bucky still can't forgive her, which everyone understood; you had a hard time also. While you were somewhat ok with working with her (though you tried not to be on missions with her due to the lack of trust), you knew that you would never be able to be friends again. Eventually Nat started dating Bruce Banner, which made you feel better about her never coming after Bucky again. 

After Nat had initially left the tower, you and Bucky decided to try your relationship again, but you made him work for it. You went out on dates, and after a few you allowed him to kiss you. You held out about 2 months before you slept together again. You wanted to go slow, cause though you were both manipulated, you still had a hard time letting go what he and Nat did to you while they were together. Bucky was patient and completely understood.

After 8 months you both finally moved back in together in an apartment near Steve's in Brooklyn, and Bucky wanted to propose immediately, but held off another 4 months and proposed on your 1 year anniversary of getting back together. You cried and immediately said yes, as you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man. The man you loved despite everything that happened.

Now here you are, after a short 6 month engagement, having a small intimate wedding with your Avengers family. You didn’t care that it was a small wedding, in fact you preferred it that way, because the only thing that mattered to you was the man at the end the aisle, waiting for you. When Tony and you walked into the room, the look on his face told you everything. You saw all the love and compassion he had for you through the tears in his eyes, the big softy. You knew that no one else would ever love you the way Bucky Barnes does and no one would ever love him like you do. You were more than ready to start your life as Mrs. Y/N Barnes. 

After the ceremony, everyone hung out in the common room for a small party. You and Bucky danced the night away in each others arms, the smiles never leaving your faces. Steve was the best man and Wanda was your maid of honor, and both gave great speeches that made everyone laugh. You couldn't imagine this day to be any better than it was. You kept looking at Bucky and saw how happy he was. It warmed your heart to be able to give him all the happiness he deserved. It might have taken you some time, with a rather large bump in the road, but you are finally here. You are both finally in your happily ever after.

While the “party” was still going on in the common room, you took Bucky out onto the balcony. You needed a little bit of alone time with your new husband. (you still can't believe he is your husband!) You walked hand in hand to the railing, and looked over New York City. Bucky draped his flesh arm around you and kissed the top of your head, sighing in happiness.

“Today was the happiest day of my life, doll. Thank you for being my wife,” he said against your temple then kissed it softly.

You smile and looked up at him. “Well I am more than happy to be your wife and make all your dreams come true. Our dreams come true," you said, turning toward him and grabbing his hands giving them a squeeze.

"In fact, not only am I happy to be your wife…” you give him a peck on the lips, “I'm happy and proud to be the mother of your child,” you say softly. 

Bucky stares at you, trying to comprehend what you just said. You look at him, slightly nervous for his reaction, hoping he is ok with this happening so soon. You both talked about it, but not this soon.

“You….. You’re pregnant?” he gasps.

You slowly nod at him, cupping his face to ground him. You see a wide smile slowly appear on his face, and you release the breath you were holding. He was happy!

“I’m going to be a dad?” he asks, excitement evident in his voice as he holds your hands tighter without hurting you.

“Yes, baby. You're going to be daddy!” you say, tears coming to your eyes. Bucky laughs as he lifts you up in his arms and spins you around. Both of your a mix of laughs and tears. Could this day get any better?

“I can’t believe it! I’m going to be a dad!" he says before pulling you in to a breathtaking kiss.

He pulls away and both of you are panting. He leans his forehead against yours and quietly says, "You really are the most amazing person in the whole world. I can’t imagine my life without you.”

He pulls you closer, if thats possibly, wrapping his arms around you. “I love you with my entire being. I'm nothing without you, and never want to be without you.” He presses another passionate kiss to your lips.

You pull away even more breathless, as tears fall from your face. “I love you too, Bucky. More than you'll ever know.” You kiss again softly.

"Come on," he says, taking you by the hand to head back in.

When you walk back into the common room Bucky announces that he is going to be a daddy! Everyone in the room cheers for the happy expecting newlywed couple. That night no one on Earth was as happy as you and your new husband.

--

Part 6

There you go! Tell what you think? Feedback is appreciated. Thank you for all the support.

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[billy-and-friends]

I need to know about this title :)

2. Lightning out of a clear blue sky

Okay so lightning out of a clear blue sky, essentially I thought "man what if Billy had survivors guilt for not being with his family when they died" and "what if the fam dying in a plane accident and being killed by black Adam were not mutually exclusive (for the later dramatic reveal)"

The story would just be little sections of what happens to people when the lightning comes, sorry it's hard to explain!

Heck I'll just post the full wip here

Mostly im gonna make this longer, and add a bit of Mary getting her powers and Billy realizing that Adam killed his parents.

Lightning out of a clear blue sky

When the Batson’s plane goes down, people first say it’s a tragedy. Losing two brilliant archeologists and their young daughter in one lightning strike, what else could you call it? People mourn, but they also whisper.

They whisper about how no one else had been allowed to touch that tomb in centuries. About how Kahndaq had resisted their offers for excavation for years, out of fear of retribution. About how there wasn’t a cloud in the sky when lightning struck.

For a while people keep their heads down, enough stories of the dangerous Black Adam surviving the test of time to make them wary of such a sign.

But time passes and no god appears. The people of Kahndaq reclose it’s borders and sigh with relief to have been let off with just a warning.

_______

C.C and Marilyn Batson were not superstitious people, but they were not arrogant either. They knew they didn’t know everything. That’s why they operated with such care. Such attention to local stories and mindfulness to their tradition.

Truthfully they both thought they had followed every warning, had done nothing but respect the man whose tomb the were studying. But in the instant between the strike and the bliss that followed, their second thought was that they had been wrong, that somehow they had tripped up and disrespected the ancient king.

Their first thought was thanks that their children were both safe elsewhere.

______

Mary screams at lightning, but not at clouds. At thunder but not at rain. To her parent’s, and her therapists, this must be the odd psyche of a lost child.

She remembers nothing from before meeting the Bromefields, from before becoming a Bromefield, and apart from the lightning and the deep sadness, she seems to carry little from her original life.

For years Mary shrieks with fear when there is lightning in the sky, but she cannot remember why.

______

The day Billy first hears about the lightning, his temperature is still three degrees too high and leaves him confused as to why people were so shocked.

His parents were in the sky, that is where the lightning is. They shouldn’t be so upset that the lightning was there, they should be upset that his family didn’t come back down. They should feel just as torn to shreds as Billy does when he finally understands that his sister will never share his toys again, that his father will never read to him anymore, or that his mother will never sing him another song.

Instead all they care about is the lightning. A fevered kid’s mind decides that they must be right. The lightning is confusing because if the lightning got them, why hasn’t it gotten him?

Billy's been waiting for his lightning for a long time. It's not that he wants to get struck, no not even when he misses his parents the most does he really want to join them.

It's just that he has to.

(In case it's not obvious, the lightning strike that killed the Batson was adams returning lightning bolt, for the story I want Adam to come back and just lie low for a while, only lose it when. He realizes cap exists)

[alexandraisyes]

Initial Bloodmoon Thoughts - New vs Old

Disclaimer, this ramble/analysis was made 01/11/2024 and is copy-pasted from the original (me) source on Discord in TSBS server. I have a thread there. There are a few ss of the original thread for when other people came into the conversation.

Thoughts under the cut.

My brain is stuck on BM. I remember how angry everyone was with Earth for saying that she didn't think they could be redeemed because she's supposed to be the "therapist" character but like She's just as much a person as the other animatronics and just because she's "understanding" doesn't mean she has to be forgiving of her literal murderer, I can imagine dying messes a person up (we all saw how Lunar handled it) And where she has to be perfect, she has to be the better bigger person, it's part of her code to always take the moral high ground and turn the other cheek so to speak I'd bet you money she is compartmentalizing the heck out of life So no, I don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with Bloodmoon and thinking he's beyond saving If someone killed me I would write them off too

However Sun on the other hand I'm mostly just crouchy that he's being a spineless cunt He was willing to argue with Moon about BM because he knew that they couldn't help it But he's not saying anything about Eclipse and I'm so grrr Like I get it, Eclipse was kinda crappy, but you aren't stepping back and looking at this rationally Sun, and someone needs to step back and look at it rationally because Moon is way too emotional and always has been, and Sun feeds off of his brother's anxiety and always has

It feels like a double standard on the Celestial Twin's part (cause it is lmao)

"He can't help it, it's all he knows" For Bloodmoon And then "I'm gonna torture that inserts insult" For Eclipse like come on He hasn't even done anything (yet) I can understand why Moon would be more understanding towards BM than Eclipse, but it doesn't mean I have to like it

I've said it once and I will say it time and time again Eclipse is the product of an unhospitable environment that was left to his own devices long enough that he drowned in his own self-loathing and the only anchor that he could perceive was taking that out on those around him All of the Eclipse issues could have been solved if one: Old Moon treated him as more than just a parasite And two: Sun had a single thought in that pretty little head that wasn't just an echo of Moon's

I love Sun to death, don't get me wrong I loathe the fact that even now, with a 'new' Moon, he is still just going along with everything Moon says and decides upon He does not think for himself The one time he did, the one time he tried to escape Moon's hands around his choices, what happened? He failed to kill Eclipse and was goaded into destroying Moon's magic Which did what? ding ding ding Only reaffirmed his prior belief that he's A screw-up, stupid, the dumb one, incapable, unreliable And that Moon is Correct, the smart one, capable, and the one who should be trusted with decisions Which is so so so bad for Sun's psyche

Whereas with Bloodmoon, Sun and Moon cannot seem to get over this idea that he's "like the old Moon he can't help it we understand" Sure, Bloodmoon has a want to kill that is so strong it feels like a need And so did the old Moon But that's where the similarities end They fail to take into consideration bloodmoon's feelings when they talk about 'redeeming him' As well as his origins They only see the surface value because they've already written him off And yeah, bloodmoon is awful Bloodmoon is an awful awful creature who has done horrible things to the celestial family And his instincts do not excuse his behavior However, I hesitate to write him off for similar reasons I won't write Eclipse off He's a product of his environment and Ruin's crappy programming (Not that Ruin is bad at programming, per say, more that Ruin only programmed him in what he thought would make BM a good tool, which leaves out a lot of higher cognitive functions.) As we've already seen, this BM is a lot dumber than the first BM when it comes to rationalizing and recognizing issues past the immediate here and now in specifically their bubble

I think, and this is just a theory, but I think that Sun was thinking of the old BM when he was trying to get through to the BM now. Because the old BM was a lot more complex, a lot smarter, and was able to rationalize with others. This one isn't. This one is vey obviously missing very large chunks of development and personality, and I don't know if it would be kinder to just straight up put him down or try to reprogram him. The issue with reprogramming him is it might break him beyond what he already is. Or it might cause a similar crisis that Moon has when he thinks about "old moon". Not the same, of course, but similar. Or it may just completely erase BM entirely because the celestial idiots have no idea what he was like before Sun killed him past what they see on the surface. So if they were to go the reprogramming route, they'd have to turn to dun dun dun Eclipse Because even if old BM and Eclipse weren't on the best of terms, Eclipse would be able to fix what is missing because he knows the missing peices. Now of course, this only works if it's Eclipse 1.0 or 2.0. If the Eclipse we have now is Eclipse 3.0 then he can't do crap unless the entirety of the BM schematics were in the files Ruin stole, that Eclipse then stole back. And even then, he still can't fully get it if he's Eclipse 3.0 because he's missing the memories of what BM was like. So, with all of that complication, at this point it's easier (not necessarily right) to just put him down. He's dangerous, right? (Rhetorical)

Past Sun's POV on BM, I get the feeling that Moon let Sun try to rationalize with BM because, in Moon's mind, BM and Old Moon are basically the same person. Maybe even KC too. An irrational need to kill is embedded in their codes, and they are powerless to stop it, etc etc. And Moon was probably thinking, "Well, Old me and KC both managed to fight their instincts, so surely BM can too." He fails to recognize that BM doesn't have a support system. Old Moon had Sun, and he was friends with the other animatronics as well. Old Moon also had a best friend, Monty. Monty isn't the best influence, but he is still a friend. And Sun was a good influence on Old Moon. Killcode had a good influence too. He had Sun, Glamrock Freddy, and to an extent, Moon. He had a reason to hold back his violent urges, it would be counterproductive to lash out at old BM and Eclipse 2.0 when they were his allies. Acting on said urges outside of the area would also be counterproductive bc that could endanger the host of the body he was sharing, which would end his own life as well.

BM 2.0 has… no one. Ruin was a bad influence. The stitchwraith was a bad influence. Rodrick was a bad influence. Ruin was manipulating them by being kind, so of course BM 2.0 is going to react poorly to kindness and compassion. It is, in their eyes, just another ploy to make him a tool. He can't trust a helping hand because the first kind hands in his life were lying to him. When you wake up, and all that you know is kindness being a mask, that's what you expect from everyone. And when you're offered help, you react poorly and with hatred because you are expecting to be used just like the person you trusted used you. The only reason he let Solar help him was because Solar was upfront with his intentions, and didn't try to sugarcoat it or play 'friends'. He knew that it was a situation in which they would be taking advantage of each other, but the key there was he knew. Ruin literally destroyed his psyche in the worst ways possible by programming him to be a tool, only showing him the parts of the show that were beneficial to Ruin's plans, and using kindness to manipulate him. BM has every right to be angry and distrustful because the person he considered family was the person who broke him beyond repair. And Sun and Moon don't understand that because they don't understand psychology. Earth may have been able to understand (therapist coding), but BM purposefully made her hate them (perhaps to avoid the kindness they know she gives everyone?). Out of all of the people they could have attacked, they attacked the one person who could have puzzled them out. At this point, the only hope for BM is either Eclipse or a literal miracle.

*Ten hour timeskip*

Okay so I’ve been thinking about Bloodmoon and my earlier statement of “At this point, the only hope for BM is either Eclipse or a literal miracle.” I’d like to rescind that statement to add the potential of Solar Flare since there is talk of bringing him back. I’ll elaborate once I get to my computer, but my mind is buzzing with the idea and the logic that would allow it to work. Because on the surface one squints and goes “And Alex is crazy talking again” But it will make sense once I explain how it could work

So Flare We love Flare I love Flare Flare

Flare has been known for a few things in the show. He's a tool. He was made to protect Killcode. He has limited emotional capacity. He's basically a super computer with a consciousness. He's an absolute beast of an animatronic, and is probably the most dangerous person we have seen on the show. He's also upfront, honest, non-deceptive, and has never shown a preference towards one side or the other. Nor is he friendly. He's not unfriendly, but he doesn't go out of his way to be nice. He gave Moon the schematics to the satellite because it was in KC's best interest, not because he liked Moon or hated Eclipse. There could honeslty be debate on if he's even capable of liking or disliking things, considering how emotionally incapable he is. He's very logical, analytical, etc.

So how does Bloodmoon 2.0 factor into this?

Well, as stated earlier, BM doesn't want kindness. He doesn't want pity, he doesn't want niceness. Flare wouldn't extend him those to start with, so that's one thing crossed off the list. Flare would also be upfront with BM about his intentions, he did straight up tell Eclipse he was helping to kill him, although he omitted the way he was planning to do that. So Flare wouldn't be trying to manipulate BM either. Bloodmoon may also feel some kind of companionship purely from the fact they were both made to be tools. Flare has no need to be loyal to the celestial twins or to Eclipse. I can see him going rogue like KC did. It wouldn't be unplausable that he would seek out BM purely since the twins were considered by KC to be family. And since there isn't a Killcode anymore for Flare to look after, his sons may be the next best thing, even if it isn't BM 1.0. Flare doesn't give a crap, honestly. He can defend himself, but he's also able to just sit there and take a hit. It's unlikely the twins would even be able to damage him were they to try to attack him. He'd probably be able to just let them wear themselves out until they are tired enough they can just be picked up like kittens and taken care of. Due to his stubborn nature mixed with the apathy we've seen displayed, I can see him able to help the twins because he's not gonna just "give up" on them. He can sit back and let them run themselves ragged and then do what he has to once they're all tired out. It wouldn't be the kind of redemption we're used to seeing in the show, and would probably not be a total redemption, but he may be able to tame them enough that they can be handled and fixed by the others. Flare taming BM twins and then reuniting with Eclipse so he can fix them? Interesting thought. Bring the family back together.

Obviously, I'm not saying this is even likely to happen. This won't happen, of course. But it could, in a different universe, I suppose. This was just to serve the purpose of explaining how Flare would be able to help the twins tbh.

Flare is too smart and apathetic to get hung up by a detail like that (in my opinion based off of my observation of him). He’d be pretty quick to piece together that the twins killed KC because they were manipulated into perceiving the older animatronic as a threat. (Once again Ruin why did you have to break them like that). Kinda like how they wanted to kill Monty (maybe still do?) because Ruin talked them into believing that Monty was a threat. Not, not a physical threat, but an emotional one. He (ruin) leaned on the fact that BM was “tricked” in the past by the people that Ruin saw as obstacles to convince BM to take them out

Pair that with volatile emotions and aggressive tendencies and you get a red goblin on a murder spree to avenge BM 1.0 more or less. I don’t think Flare would hold that against him cause he’s always been good at tearing through people’s psyches and finding the root motivations and issues.

And for BM 2.0 those issues and motivations both stem from Ruin’s manipulation

The thing is, I don’t think Flare really cared about KC. For him, it seemed more like protecting KC was just a protocol. Kinda like the protocol to kill for Moon 1.0. It’s just something that he was supposed to do. Which is just further reason why the twins killing KC wouldn’t be a hang-up for him

[justatalkingface]

More thoughts on the Rebel!Todoroki AU

I'm now actively thinking on this. Why.

My main thought starting this line of thinking is about how none of the Todoroki's ever blow the whistle on Endeavour in canon; while some of it (a lot of it, unfortunately, knowing Hori) is probably about not wanting to ruin his life, since they've secretly loved him all this time or whatever, it's probably also based in a few more practical facts: not wanting themselves to get dragged into the mud, wanting not to drag their mother into the mud, and an Endeavor-born lack of faith in heroic accountability which is completely canon, to the point where they may have gotten assassinated if they made too big a stink about it. While those same practical motivations are still there, so no blatant call outs of what he did, in this AU there is far less mercy in how they discuss Endeavour to outsiders.

Fuyumi, here, is still rather soft spoken, and when she talks to reporters, she always leaves them with a positive impression, until they review what she actually said, and not how she said it, and they realize she never once actually referred to Endeavour as her father, or as someone related to her, or in any sort of relaxed way indicating that they're family; it's just 'Endeavour, Endeavour', over and over again, always carefully proper in how she refers to him by his hero name, which is de facto his job title.

Moreover, they then realize she never says anything nice about him; hell, she barely talks about him at all! Summed up, she basically says that, 'Yes, I have heard about a hero named Endeavour' and that 'Yes, I have heard he has done (this newsworthy thing); I heard about it on the news just yesterday'.

It leaves every interview she gives ultimately unusable for how utterly empty and lifeless they all are.

Natsuo, meanwhile, is less subtle. And by less subtle, I mean he has one line about Endeavour he gives to anyone who asks him, every time he's asked about him: "Every day I wake up I pray he trips over a banana and dies."

Nothing else. He says that one line, says bye, and walks off, and has done this for years. He's a cryptid like figure for those that pay attention to this kind of thing, and in the hero forums more focused on the celebrity end they have long running debates on if he actually means that, or if this entire thing is this strange, elaborate joke he's been running on anyone who pays attention to him; he never goes into any other detail, and every other Todoroki refuses to comment on this, even Endeavour (if for different reasons than his children).

Rei... the thing is with Rei is her life is kinda utterly destroyed. Natsuo and Fuyumi care about things like their reputations, if they'll be believed, and her reputation, but Rei herself? Nah, she's gone through eight cycles of the stages of grief while she's been trapped in the psych ward, and Rei no longer cares about those petty things; at this point in her life? Rei wants one thing, and one thing only:

To kill Endeavour with her own hands.

And since she decided that, she started acting better, to get good evaluations and to get her husband to visit her as she gets 'cured'; she lies and lies and lies to every therapist about whatever they want to hear, she acts calm and sensible and buries all her negative feelings deep down inside her, while carefully practicing small, but controlled uses of her Quirk in ways that no one else can tell.

And she does this for years, slowly cycling into a deeper insanity, because as it turns out? Endeavour doesn't actually care if she's 'better' or not; he got what he needed from her, and while leaving her locked up is a money drain, he's got the cash to burn and it's more convenient for him to just have his inconvenient wife locked away, far from the prying eyes of the media, than to let her out and risk an incident of some kind. By the time he actually does go to visit her, she's at a level of fucked up far beyond she had ever been outside, even at her worst, and there is zero hesitation in her when he finally appears before he, repentant. As it turns out, all her children have grown up, but they've all drifted further and farther away from Endeavour as they aged; he lives alone now in his massive house and the last time he got a chance to talk to his prized heir in private, without the cameras watching, so they could have a real conversation? Shoto froze the hand that touched him solid before walking off without saying a word, and it was only then that the reality started to sink in.

Rei then acts, as she has been for years now, and the second he lowers his guard, he stabs him in the face with a shiv she made out of ice. Here, Endeavour doesn't get a cosmetic scar from a Nomu, no. Here, he loses an eye to his wife.

And as for Shoto? Well. In this, at least, he is his mother's son: Shoto well and truly does not care about the media; he was burned by them when he was young and grew up distrusting them, and never once saw a reason to change that stance; at this point, he basiclly considers them more noise pollution more than anything legitimate, and the media classes that UA put the students in in their third year did nothing to change this impression, no matter how hard Present Mic tried.

As a hero, Shoto is many ways... raw. He doesn't focus on how his costume looks, or talking to his fans, or getting his image out there, or even having an image, he just... saves people, half out of defiance of his father's way of life, where saving people is just a tool to help his image rather than being a reason in itself, and half out his genuinely good nature.

Out of spite, he's reverted to an older form of heroism, and people noticed that. There are plenty of hero 'traditionalists' who see him do his own thing, be blunt and uncurated and hate it, but he nevertheless has a steady and growing fanbase for how straight forward he is; among his fans, he's known as the 'Rebel Hero' and over time he eventually took to calling himself that because he never really bothered with a hero name beyond 'Shoto'. He's never been able to break into the highest ranks of heroism, and probably never will (not that he cares), but in sheer amount of fans he's actually in the top twenty or thirty of heroes in Japan.

To be fair, he only gets away with it because he's Endeavour's son, because he never needs to generate his own popularity when the media loves to use him for an easy scandel when nothing's going on, and when his sheer notoriety protects him from the worst abuses of the Hero Commision, because unlike others, if Endeavour's son, the one everyone knows and is an active hero, was to suddenly disappear, Japan would lose it's shit, and they're smart enough to know that, even if Shoto himself isn't away of how dangerous the waters he treads in are at times.

All of this, of course, makes his response to questions about Endeavour infamous: he says absolutely nothing.

On the rare, rare, rare occasions he deigns to talk to a reporter, if that reporter dares to mention his father the same thing always happens:

First, he uses his version of the Endeavour patented, 'I don't care if you live or die so I'll gladly walk over your lifeless corpse' stare on that reporter for about thirty seconds. Then he walks off without saying a word.

And then he never acknowledges that reporter's existence ever again.

And this is not because he's trying to spare anyone's reputation, or even to try and harm Endeavour; his contempt of the media is that low that he genuinely thinks talking about his father with them is a complete waste of time.

...Well, anyways, beyond all that, a few more thoughts on this AU concept as a whole: there is no Dabi here, he genuinely died. There is, in fact, no AFO at all, and the greater plot of MHA basiclly isn't happening; All Might is, depending on when whatever story is happening is in the timeline, either in his final years of heroism or retired, and with no successor, because Izuku ruins Shoto's glorious clusterfuck. The people are there, sure, but society isn't quite at that point of seconds away from falling to pieces, so they're all in different places (if I commit to more world building on this I'll try to figure out where the more relevent people actually are). If this ends up with a greater plot beyond 'various stories of AU Todorokis', I like to think it'd focus on the HC as the main villains in how they're controlling and perverting heroism.

I like the idea of Shoto killing his father and going on a villain origin story as part of a long running psychotic break, I really do, but I honestly also like the 'Rebel Hero' dynamic I literally just came up with today; I'm conflicted. As kind of a middle ground it's easy to put off Rei's confrontation until years after he becomes a hero, and even justify it (because, you know. Never coming to see her is an Endeavour thing to do) so I can get both, but it feels like a cop out, like I'm refusing to commit.

Meanwhile, while working on how Rei is thinking (that is to say, I took the canon blank slate and blatantly made shit up), I'm wondering if I should make her a villain, here; after stabbing Endeavour, she escapes, and takes on a lot of the Dabi energy this story doesn't really have. No real development, just the idea of it: I'm still on the fence if it's good or not, but I think it's interesting so I'm mulling it over, and waiting to see what happens in my rotten swamp of a mind.

I think this is one of my few non-critical posts? I don't think it belongs in the usual 'mha/bnha critical' tags I use, anyways.

[jamiesfootball]

I’m curious (if you’re willing to share) — is your post season 3 fic shippy or platonic? Looking forward to it!

Both of the main ones I'm working on now are platonic! But also you've opened the door for me to talk about it so I'm gonna talk about it!

The post-season 3 fic is platonic and--I cannot overstate this enough--has so much of a plot going on across multiple characters that I finally broke down and made a fucking spreadsheet.

That said a lot of Roy's struggle in this fic centers around his emotional attachments with other people and the roles he plays in their lives (with family, with friends, as a coach). He's stuck in this perfect storm where it seems like all his most important relationships are in flux.

See below the cut for spoilers:

His Family

This is a big one for him and where a surprising amount of therapy work gets done. When the story kicks off, Phoebe is suddenly Around Much Less and a part of that is his sister tentatively feeling out a reconciliation with their parents. This causes a surprising (to Roy) amount of emotional upheaval in his life. As someone who's always been in his sister's corner, he's always seen (even if he's never fully verbalized it to himself) his keeping contact with their parents as a way of releasing his sister from any responsibility or lingering guilt about cutting them off. But now that she's tentatively in contact with them, and introducing them to Phoebe, Roy is realizing that he has a lot of unresolved issues with his parents. Adding to that stress is the fact that while he's played a huge role in his niece's life, he's never actually had to ask to spend time with her before, and he is awful at admitting he might need something, especially when the people around him keep telling him he can 'have a break.'

Keeley

He and Keeley have decided to remain friends. Keeley wants to be single for a while and work on herself, her company, and all the special projects she has falling out of her sleeves (*cough*womensteam*cough*). However, Keeley is the most serious relationship he's ever had, and they started out on a flirty, romantic footing, so he's never just been friends with her. In fact he's never stayed friends with any of his exes. He's navigating unfamiliar territory and he's not sure what's allowed of him. Even basic shit--is he allowed to tell her she looks nice? invite her for coffee? for dinner?--he ends up second guessing.

The Diamond Dogs / The Workplace

He literally JUST became a Diamond Dog and showed them emotional vulnerability by asking what the secret was to becoming a less shitty person and now he's in charge of them. (And he's in therapy, seeing the staff therapist, so everybody knows about that too.) With Ted gone, the inter-team dynamics between the coaches is a whirlpool of Beard and Nate trying to out-smart each other, and suddenly Roy is the one keeping everybody in line and fielding Higgins' questions about player recruitment. This isn't the big drama but it is mundane and tedious and just another fucking thing to deal with.

The Team (Sam, Isaac, Colin)

The step between captain and assistant coach was a fairly easy one for Roy because he was essentially doing the same thing in both jobs (yell at them about their form, psych them up before a match, etc). He's the gaffer now. Most gaffers don't just casually hang out with their players. If he was another team's gaffer, he wouldn't. But these are people who know him, people he used to play side-by-side with, and god help him but he does care about them. So while he's pretty sure he needs to start drawing a boundary between the professional and personal, how the fuck is he supposed to tell them that when Colin is literally getting chewed up by the media as the only openly gay player in the league and he clearly needs the support? How's he supposed to back away when Sam, who's never angry about anything, is fucking seething over Edwin Akufo and asking Roy for help? Is he supposed to step back and drop it all on Isaac, who's trying his best but also seems to be carrying his own weight about something? They're not not his friends, but also he feels responsible for them. So what kind of coach is he going to be, now that he's the guy in charge?

Jamie (ofc)

Where does any of the above leave Jamie? Truly, if the boundaries between him and the other players are in flux, the ones between him and Jamie are fucking spaghetti. Because all of the same issues still apply, but with additional layers (their rivalry, Keeley, Amsterdam, Wembley, personal coaching, the fact that he's met Jamie's parents and would punch his dad in the face if he ever got a chance, the fact that his niece thinks they're best friends). His partiality is skewed every-which-fucking-way, and frankly he's a little annoyed that no one else holds it against him.

And all of that becomes additionally fucked up because:

Roy going to therapy is intrinsically tied to his behavior towards Jamie (Roy has a lot of guilt to work through on how often he's taken his anger out on Jamie)

Jamie and him have unwisely turned therapy into a goddamn competition (they have a chart), which means that any time he makes progress in therapy, he immediately ends up sharing it with Jamie

They don't even have the coach-player thing to fall back on because Jamie starts off the summer injured

This is also the Jamie Going Through It fic (with Tartt Sr in rehab being a huge part of that), and at this point its a given (to Roy at least) that if Jamie needs help, Roy is going to help him.

Jamie might be his friend. Maybe. Possibly. Roy might even admit that one day

So is this a shippy fic? No! No relationship statuses are added, lost, or changed in the winding plot of this fic (unless I figure out how to break up Beard and Jane). Everything picks up right where the finale left it.

But do relationships--the weight of identifying what you might need from other people, and how to navigate changes, and how to define things that aren't easy that are maybe complicated and messy and necessary for your own personal happiness--appear in this fic?

Absolutely yes.

[myceliumsage]

i am doing much better.

situations haven't changed. but i was able to talk about them to the person i felt i needed to, and i'm handling it better.

but shit, dudes. life is so scary rn. read under the cut if you're curious.

so, when my mom was pregnant with me she had uterine cancer (a cancer i later inherited). after i was born, she got a complete hysterectomy. her doctors now think, 24 years after that surgery, that her cancer is back, but maybe in her stomach this time. so she had some imaging done, a biopsy, and we're awaiting results.

this is scary for multiple reasons. not only is it scary because of my mother's health (she's 65), and mental health, but also - i live with my parents. my father is disabled, and my mother is the bread winner. i am a full-time student, and i would have a part time job, but i live in a remote village and there are no jobs that will either hire me, or that i qualify for (that are part time, anyway). so, my mom truly is the breadwinner. she also takes care of about 1/3 of my 33 year old brother's family bills (he has 3 special needs children).

so not only am i scared because of my mom's health and what that would entail for HER, i'm scared about what that could entail for the whole family. there are so many domino effects that are likely to occur if she does have cancer, and i can only predict some of them. they're all scary though. the knowns, and unknowns.

secondly: my dad is disabled, as i stated. he's getting around more physically than he was when i was a teenager (just due to his own stubbornness, and one slightly successful surgery), but mentally he is declining more and more by the month. he has severe traumatic brain injury, has really bad PTSD, and also is autistic (with severe communication challenges). my mom allows me to live at home, because i'm who takes care of my dad and makes sure he eats, drinks, showers, and doesn't run away. i've had to help bathe him at times when i was younger.

i'm going through it with him, because for most of last week, things with him were so bad that we almost had to send him to the psych hospital for a few days (something we've had to do a few times in the past). it was so bad this time though, and he had to go to the ER where he had hurt himself, that his psych and therapist said if he continues declining like this over the next month or so, we have to look at putting him in a care facility full-time.

that would be best for him for his physical needs, yes - i know that full well. however, he's already had su!c!de attempts being home (mainly when i was a kid and a teenager). he already complains about not having freedom (we have one vehicle that mom uses, and he has no friends here + he is physically unable to hike or camp anymore like he wants to), and i'm really worried about what would happen if he was sent to a facility where he would have even less freedoms... plus, he would be even more alone. i'm his best friend. we don't have a father/child relationship - to summarize, my parents were separated when i was growing up and he worked in a town 4 hours away, so he only came home 2-3 times a month to see me and my brother, and he never lived with me fulltime until i was 15 - but rather just a friendship.

then, my partner has had a really bad couple of weeks since he started therapy, and ofc due to therapy itself AND his emdr, he's just been Going Through It. so i've been really worried about him, and there isn't anything i can do to help him.

there isn't anything i can do to help, lessen, or remove *anything* going on in my life right now. at all. everything is happening, or probably about to happen, and i just have to be okay with it.

PLUS friends of mine that i've had for legit 6+ years are ghosting me out of nowhere (not removing me from socials, but just blatantly ignoring me) and i don't know why??? and like, part of me thinks i deserve it bc i've cut quite a few (toxic) ppl out of my life this year, so maybe i'm toxic to these ppl too and they're doing whats best for them??? but they've *never* had *any* conversation with me regarding behaviors they found problematic with me, so i just... idk. but yeah, i have a much smaller support group than i thought i had. and the only person i felt 100% comfortable talking to abt any of this was, sadly, my partner - and i had to wait a good 2 weeks before he was even in a position where i felt he could even somewhat handle what i was throwing at him. (he handled it well, didn't take it as his own, but helped me calm down a bit.)

but yeah. shits just... shit. also i have to put my dog down at the end of summer/before winter, as she's almost 13 and is barely mobile and her kidney disease is reaching its last stages... so. i've had her for literally half my life. which is *wild*. so there's grief in that as well.

but yeah.

anyway. :)

[thewickerking]

sorry for the essay in your asks I’m just studying child development/psych and I Have Thoughts

nonono ur so fine! i enjoy conversing abt it :] im a psych major so were in similar boats! i keep being disappointed in my fellow students ways of talking about children, especially in childhood development focused classes, and there was a particular instance i will never forget of describing a a case study of a young child who was being violent to others, and the first and only question another student asked being "is this disorder often found in serial killers? cause this sounds like what ive heard abt serial killers" and my jaw fucking dropped. I was wearing a mask so no one really noticed but MY first reaction to the case study was "hey a lot of these behaviors were present in MY BROTHER and while he's doing a lot better i wonder if there's anything i can learn from this study that might help him" and we didn't get even close to that. i didn't need psych classes to be appalled at the way adults think of and treat children, but it was certainly not fun. these things are also deeply personal to me because of my own violent behavior as a child due to an amount of trauma that would easily quadruple the length of this post. luckily for me, my mother had similar experiences and reactions to them, and was able to meet me where I was at and found outlets for energy and stress even before she knew about all of the things that were happening to me. getting into martial arts (and later therapy) was not a cure all but was incredibly effective in stopping me from attacking other children and feel more capable of expressing what i was feeling. I was still a kid so its not like i became perfect lmao but it helped a lot. my mom didn't have the same treatment and to this day will get comments about people who knew her as a child that are "just glad she's not a serial killer" and it very much affects her to this day. i know friends who have been told BY TEACHERS that they seem like they could be a serial killer when they grow up. my uncle, who died by suicide, was the son of a serial killer and his family refused to raise or help him because they were afraid he'd "turn out like his father" of whom he never met due to being born in prison. in turn he was extremely abused by the foster care system and relied on intensely unhealthy coping mechanisms and struggled to raise his children and died as their sole provider and leaving them behind. My brother has also displayed violent behavior and made violent threats to other people and struggled with a lot of things because of that. people frequently express they're glad he's not in prison. i may have clung to specifically the serial killer comments a bit longer than necessary because of personal association, but while it's something i study, it's also deeply close to home, and i know how awful long terms affects can be. while that context is not necessary to know why i care so heavily about this, it does make insensitive off hand comments from my alleged peers cut deep.

SORRY this got tangenty and heavy and complaining abt psych majors is not targeted towards u anon lol its just exhausting to have been around unforgiving teachers and adults and seeing its negative affects on me, my family, and my friends, and then seeing similar mindsets in my generation that claims to want to be better than our predecessors. psych is genuinely interesting to me, and due to my early intervention and good luck with therapists, ive seen what benefits people can glean from experiences with the psychiatric field. unfortunately, ive also seen countless ways its failed countless people, and being able to see the start of harmful thinking in my peers makes it incredibly difficult to be optimistic and also pisses me off lmao. as much as this is my choice of career and it matters to me, there are extremely harmful ideas that make up the foundation of modern (and obviously past) psych and seeing people take this at face value makes me spectacularly miserable. 🫠🫠 but its very nice (and refreshing) to talk to other ppl abt these topics from a shared pov that kids aren't evil. Which sounds so much simpler and more common than it actually is 😮‍💨

[torque-witch]

TW Trauma

But as my personal diary, there’s something I wanted to touch on as I continue to navigate whether my mannerisms are autism or cptsd.

(Yes, my therapist gave me a list of neuro-psych evals I can pursue, but these things cost money or could cost my medical paper trail for future endeavors bc of how fucked everything is)

Looking back now, it’s fairly clear that autism does run in the family, particularly with my sister as she very clearly displays textbook mannerisms, high stakes social grievances, high IQ, sensory limits, etc. I can see that my Dad is probably the culprit as he’s literally been neck-deep in a hobby for 30+ years and LIVES at his office and doesn’t have social interactions outside of customers. Meaning he literally doesn’t sleep at home. And my parents aren’t divorced. (They should be)

But like my personal grievance, as I’m aware that I’ve socially been more flexible, is that I’m realizing all of these characteristics later in life that are still somehow a product of trauma, and that can be confusing.

I shut down and go non-verbal during high-stress or confrontational situations. I remember that I started doing this because my mom would never accept what I had to say when I was defending myself, so I just stopped talking and looked blankly at her while I disassociated. This made her even angrier bc she assumed I didn’t care about my own personal failings. At some point that turned into laughter and I still do that when something is upsetting to me or physically painful. To the point my dad called me a masochist at 13.

My mom would ask me how my day was every day and I would just say “good.” And not expand because there were no follow up questions. It made her angry bc she assumed I just didn’t want her to know. And to a point, I didn’t. She made it so that after she was done homeschooling me she inserted herself into the public school in the music program, that me and my sister were in, so almost none of our interpersonal relationships and interactions were private. It was a defense mechanism.

I had a very obsessive approach to middle and high school crushes. To the point that my crushes noticed and called my behavior repulsive and creepy and generally treated me poorly. It got less creepy after 10th grade. But it basically just meant that I was living in a fantasy world in my brain and over-estimating my importance in other people’s lives. I still somewhat do that. But I also wonder if my parents essentially teaching me that relationships are evil and never having a sex talk (literally ever) made me hyper-focus on everything I could be missing out on. On top of me never seeing them hug or kiss in 30 years of being alive.

I also didn’t understand hierarchies in high school, or any social setting. I was friends with teachers. I had multiple different kinds of friend groups, and sometimes they would get angry that I would hang out with other groups. I was always confused why popular people avoided me or would be fake to me. Or yes, I would be duped by them and become the joke.

I was clearly being used by certain friends and I went along with it because I wanted their validation and connection. But was this all because I wasn’t getting that at home?

And for a while I think I just went through different periods of my life after/through college adapting to specific groups and ripping myself from them violently when I felt threatened or unappreciated as I learned quite late to stand up for myself and recognize that I was being used. I became a new person every time and very independent.

I’m certain of who I am now, but who might I be tomorrow? As an adult I don’t think I’ll change that much now that I have a solid understanding of my morals, needs, societal niche - but I do acknowledge that I have been many people I hate in order to avoid being perceived. Becoming disabled changed a lot for me because it was immutable. But my personality has always adapted to the people around me or my work.

So is that a trauma response? Or was my very existence a breeding ground for trauma to be incurred on me.

The last one is super super TW for abuse, but I think what really seals it for me is when growing up I just really didn’t understand the importance of cleaning and/or may have been struggling with ADHD as well. My mom was very upset that I just “couldn’t” seem to clean my room properly, that I wasn’t bothered by it, and that I would “forget on purpose.”

She straight up called me r*tarded. Threatened to put me in a boarding school or military-like reconditioning for “bad kids.”

But I now know the problem was that she just never explained the importance, nor gave me a step by step description of how to do it. And that was just plan negligence. It’s hard to connect with her now remembering that. Because it still shapes my meltdowns. I’m stupid. I can’t do anything right. Nothing WORKS. I’m trying my best and nothing is happening. I resist learning because it feels painful if I can’t do it on my own terms.

So yeah. Maybe an unnecessary ramble, but that’s sort of my dilemma as I try to unravel why I exist like this. Especially in the work force again and noticing it big time.

[tittyinfinity]

*tw suicidal feelings

My mental health got so much better this last year.

1. I finally quit drinking because I wasn't around my family & partner who has alcohol every night.

2. I wasn't dealing with my mother's unpredictability.

3. I went thru therapy that really helped.

Now, I have alcohol available every day.

My mother is threatening to kick me out for DOING HER A FAVOR

And my 4th. FOURTH! therapist fucking quit her job.

I'm regressing.

I need help.

I need help.

I need help.

My mom is wanting to make me kill myself just so I never have to deal with her again.

Which is a really selfish feeling to have when I'm a parent.

But I've been to the psych ward multiple times because of her.

Throwing me into walls. Ripping my hair out. Telling me I deserved my abusive exes. Letting a thief borrow my car without my permission.

She has always been the reason I've been suicidal.

I literally moved out at 17 with a person who physically abused me because I could handle it better than her emotional abuse.

I would literally rather be physically abused than the emotional abuse she puts me through. But she does physically abuse me too🤷🏽‍♀️

I wish my life was normal

[diabolocracy]

You know what, I'm dropping this rant about the mental healthcare circus clownshow I'd been run around here too. Str8 from a boobtoob comment section,

lol the psychologist i went to put in her shoddy notes (that other doctors can't seem to find half the time?) that she assessed me for adhd. she didn't. the only time she diagnosed me with anything, she took the big ol psyche book and started reading from one page and asking "does this fit?"

and sure, yeah, it did, at the time, while i was on a ssri that the gp put me on when i went at the behest of my brother to ask about autism (something an aunt that sees me a lot also thinks i may have). although he knew my mother had recently passed and i was still, you know, sad, like people tend to be when a family member becomes deceased, … he diagnosed me with depression and anxiety (the general practitioner, the doctor, not a therapist, not a psych) and gave me a script for prozac.

which pretty much zombified me. when i told him this he said, word for word, "that means it's working."

so the psychologist, she saw me and diagnosed me while i was emotionally numbed on a medication i didn't need, and she won't re-assess me.

i went to a different doctor, a nurse practitioner, and she sent me to a different psychologist… not for the second opinion that i wanted. oh, no. it was to "reaffirm" the first one's diagnosis.

so basically a waste of 2.3 hours because the second psychologist is in the city an hour away.

he prescribed me a new medication, welbutrin. turns out i can't take that medication - rather, i'm not taking the risk, thank you. the "not recommended if you have a family history of glaucoma" did not come up in his office. i had to read it on the leaflet that came with the pills.

i still can't focus even on my hobbies. even now i'm procrastinating writing a reply to someone that i WANT to write, by writing this instead. the house is a mess because when i look at the garbage i'm like, oh, i'll take care of that later; no, i never do, but actually getting around to dealing with it feels impossible. just like my hobbies.

i want to draw. my tablet is RIGHT THERE. i'm RIGHT HERE at the computer. i can just reach over and open the program… i have ideas and things i want to draw… but no. i'll do it, sure, after this video. but that video turns into two. three. five hours later i have to walk the dog. i get back. mmm i'll draw… after i check my messages… maybe after i find a good song… oh that video looks cool… oh it's five hours later again. time to sleep.

rinse and repeat. i can't get anything done outside of very rare times i manage to forcibly break through the "mmm maybe after…"

and when i mention my anger issues that are hair-trigger to set off i get brushed away. i say "i had a small breakdown crying and screaming because i messed up my pancakes" or "i threw a heavy object because of a very minor inconvenience" or "i kicked a hole in the door because i was angry over something irrational" or "i tore the cabinet door off its hinges because a very small annoyance made me THAT angry" and i'm met with "oh, but you didn't hurt anyone, did you?" no. not yet. i'd like to get these issues sorted before i do, preferably. seems that won't be happening either though! but hey! at least when it happens i can say i tried!

[clunelover]

Okay I finished Men Have Called Her Crazy! I’ll spoil it for you if you want.

I know some early publicity for the book said she doesn’t really mention John Mulaney, so I was prepared for that, but I don’t think I could have been QUITE prepared for how much she just DOES NOT mention him. Like "my marriage was falling apart" in one sentence, and "my divorce" in two other sentences

Which like, of course, obviously, she doesn’t have to write about him, and who would want to have "([famous guy]’s ex wife) " appended to their name in any bio, and nobody is owed a sordid tell-all. But it is WEIRD to write a book about "my mental breakdown around the time of my divorce and how I reflected on my relationships with men and what all they did to me" and just skip that one, which covers a long period of time. I think maybe a gifted writer could have done more with "writing around a huge presence I’m not supposed to talk about" and made it captivating, but she doesn’t have that kind of skill.

The framing device of the book is that it centers on two weeks inpatient in a psych hospital where she did in depth testing to determine diagnoses and devise a treatment plan, and then she flashes back and forward around that program, to different experiences with her family and with men before and after. Reading it, I was like "okay my armchair diagnosis is that she has borderline personality disorder, which sprung from deep childhood wounds - specifically her parents constantly fighting and being more focused on that than the needs of their children, dad checked out and mom just vented her rage at the kids…and she understands intellectually that her mom mistreated her but still is in denial about the extent of it, and is overly enmeshed with her mom to this day." Now here comes a major spoiler for the end of the book: in the end she opens the packet of discharge information she got from the hospital (which she had previously left untouched because she decided she was doing well with outpatient therapy and the diagnoses didn’t matter…but decided to have a look to be able to write about it) and the doctors assessment lined up with what I just said! BPD among other things. Rage at maternal figures. Anna Marie (and her therapist at the time of writing) reject that diagnosis, so I’m not saying my armchair diagnosis holds any actual weight…but I’d say it feels like the memoir of someone who thinks they’ve moved past a lot of unhealthy behaviors but in fact seems to still be kind of in it, and lacking the full awareness you might be hoping for in a mental health flavored memoir?

My above comments about how it seems like she has BPD is not meant to write her off - I think for a layperson I have a pretty nuanced understanding of personality disorders, and I’m compassionate about them, and I’m not using BPD as a synonym for "crazy." And she definitely has reason to be angry at men - she’s been through a lot and she HAS done a lot of work in therapy clearly. Just wanted to make sure I hit on that.

Anyway, I think my overall verdict is that I did find it compelling, and it’s not terrible writing (but not particularly skillful either) but there’s a lot of leeway/extra interest built in from having kind of followed the whole story and having an emotional investment in the story prior to reading it.

I think this review is pretty spot on: https://www.jezebel.com/anna-marie-tendler-men-have-called-her-crazy

[underscorecc]

2.

ive reached another time where i feel like i need to vomit out all the shit thats been churning in my psyche. you know that feeling where you dont want to go to sleep because of this subtle sensation in your stomach? I think its dissatisfaction, both with myself and with the people around me.

the girl that i broke up with turned out to just be a hoe. She played w my heart and told me i was " the right guy at the wrong time" and that "she needed time to be single" and then immediately hopped onto some mid ass white dude LOL. anyways i fucking hate her guts. not cause she doesnt like me anymore, but because shes a damn liar. on a positive note it just means that little plot threat in my life has just been tied up, and now all i have to do is reconcile with the distrust for people that ive already been harboring, so nbd.

the ppl in my life kinda got me fucked up tho. right now i feel like theres no one genuinely there for me. I have a therapist, but you cant rlly get the level of intimacy with a therapist in the way youd have with family or friends. so right now i feel like i have nobody. my friends all suddenly seem extremely disinterested in talking to me. someone who i consider my best friend barely texts me and brushes off making plans and never reaches out. and my other friends just dont seem to really care or respond to me anymore. I get replies, but im not having conversations. it also seems like my mom is tired of me. shes even said it herself. she gets annoyed at a bunch of little things that i do. so i dont think id be wrong to assume ive become a nuisance rather than a valued family member.

it totally could be me. it totally could be them. it also totally could just be a series of unfortunate circumstances so ive been kinda torn trying to figure it out. I know im partially to blame. i can be overbearing and i dont know when to shut the fuck up. its hard for me to do genuine real talk anymore. I say "real talk" and then give advice to friends (probably unsolicited). but i never rlly talk about stuff that goes beyond skin deep. I talk about terrible moments in my life, like when i was sa'd or like something fucked up ive done, but its water under the bridge and doesnt rlly affect me anymore. i dont know, i just get the feeling that people will be repulsed if they see the real me. the me that is insecure and struggling and tired and angry. god im fucking angry, but im also so goddamn complacent, which is infinitely worse.

i am in the process of changing my life in a drastic way, which is needed. wont say how but it should shake things up in a good way. unfortunately its also partially a waiting game. so im stuck here in this in-between where i am given the privilege and honor of being alone with all of my thoughts!!!

i think i am having an identity crisis. I dont know what defines me anymore and i dont know who i want to be. ive thought about changing my name. im already changing what i wear (slightly). and weirdly enough even though i am a straight, cis dude, i occasionally have very very slight doubts about my sexuality and gender. its probably normal tho who knows.

I think this stems from a lack of masculinity in my life. having high free testosterone does not make me a man. being aggressive or stoic does not make me a man. but theres this concept of a real man in my head as something to aspire to be, but its an extremely vague and loose concept ive formed. despite being 20, i dont really see myself as a man. but im not a boy either. not to say im non binary. im just in this awkward in-between period. I wish i had a genuine masculine figure in my life who i could look up do. my dad is more like reddit atheist ben shapiro who debatelords me when he doesnt like me doing something. i dont live with him anymore so those problems are in the past, but the lack of a male role model is catching up to me, and its on me to define my own masculinity, but like fuckkkkkk i dont think ur supposed to do this by urself.

i been feeling mad weak. i always was a pussy on leg day and its showing now that i havent been to the gym for months. it really makes me feel pathetic. that 15% increase in struggle for things that i used to pick up with ease is really shameful, or embarrassing, or idk. it just fucking sucks. I want to be a strong person who cannot be surmounted, like a legendary dragon. But at the same time i dont know if these desires are my own or some responsibility i put onto myself as a means to gain social acceptance. its probably something i should put thought into when im eating enough and actually going to the gym, but i think ive been holding off because i feel so pathetic.

its a brutal cycle too. I feel pathetic from prior experiences where ive been demeaned (so a lot) -> i feel i dont have the grit or willpower to do something -> i try something thinking ill fail or just avoid it outright -> i feel pathetic. shit sucks ass.

anyways word vomit over thats p much it

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i just journalled about it but im still kinda irritated. like i genuinely think that youre just annoyed at me for trying to have my life together, for having work and doing uni and that our parents are happy about that. its not really my fault that i made that choice? like its not my fault youre insecure about that. in the samr way its not your fault im insecure about my social life. hm. interesting

im still going to resent you for that. i dont really know how to stop it. maybe my psych could help with that.

idk

little things bother me. like you being fine being friendly with my ex because its 'just the way you are' well me being argumentative and temperamental is JUST THE WAY I AM. but god forbid i get (rightfully) annoyed at you for being flakey and unreliable, and i am so fucking evil for that. are you serious?

ive been like this forever and now all of the sudden you cant handle it. okay fine. fine. the last few months ive been slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationship is going to have to have a massive shift. like massive in the fact that it cant really exist anymore. its not possible for us to be close without us both getting seriously triggered and upset at the other. so we stop hanging out and talking as much and its solved. literally how gross and pathetic, like all those toxic siblings we hear about and feel bad for.

ideally i could just move out and i wont have to deal with any of your weird energy at all. but its just so annoying being at home, even when we dont really see eachother or even talk, because your constant avoidant energy just seeps out everywhere. i notice it because youre always so quick to rush out and get away from the house. like we all fucking get it, you hate us all and dont wanna be around us. grow tf up. learn how to communicate your problems with people and cop the reaction from it. i learnt a long time ago.

its funny cause the more you try to avoid something, the more that problem grows. you dont want me to be angry and irritated at you, and the fact that youre avoiding makes me more irritated. you do realise that, right? i mean, i told you. i thought we made a breakthrough but youre still acting like a child.

is that why? do you feel like a child? do you feel immature because of what im doing with my life? is that the insecurity for you?

its annoying for me to have to sit here and overanalyse shit because you fail to communicate this stuff with me. i tried to have an adult conversation with you and you get so uncomfortable and avoidant. for the first time i feel like the therapist.

remind me to never trust your advice again. remember what happened with the taurus? to be fair you helped me confront the issue with him. but he completely gaslit me and you were like yea hes right, you were in the wrong. girl?

atp i have to treat myself as an only child now. because i certainly cant come to you with anything anymore. its not like youd come to me! and im actually open and trying to be here for you. how sad is that. its actually so sad. like the fear of abandonment do be coming true and it really do be the ones closest to you. and how is it always the youngest? the same thing happened with con and maeve. like how could you just dog your family like that.

i was and still am genuinely concerned that shes falling into a depression again but im just gonna put faith in and pray to god that her friends are actually there for her and providing her with the love and support she needs (if that was the case). at the very least she has her friends.

and back to square one for me. i have me myself and i, like always.

the thing i need to work on is being more appreciative of her, and the little things she does to be there for me. even if its not what i want or need or asked for. i have to grateful. i am grateful for my sister. i will put my pride aside and be the bigger person like i was earlier today. i know i hurt her and im sorry and i am grateful for her making time for me in her busy busy life. think about the slay it girls kylie and kendall. it took them till their mid 20s to reach a stable place as sisters. perhaps it will just take some more time.

its worth the wait. (thanks chan)

[sebastianxainsworth]

Sharks // self para

Once Sebastian knew the phone he set against a stack of books remained steady enough at a safe distance on the desk, he moved to take a seat in the chair and lifted his hand as a small awkward wave of greeting. “Hi.” Feeling stupid, he leaned forward to get up and start over before something changed his mind. “You know what, screw it. No one’s probably ever going to see this anyway.” Okay, this had to be one of the most idiotic things he has ever done and not only was it idiotic, but it bordered downright sad. Imagine someone walking into the office, perhaps a mansion staff member, watching the head of household talking to himself in his phone's camera. The absolute lunacy.

"So, this was the part of my sessions when I had them with Dr. Beckett," Sebastian began calmly, "Where I would record a video as something I could watch when I was at my lowest. The times I needed a reminder of what I was fighting for." Affirmation therapy was the proper name Madyson called it by. After she presented the idea to him at first, he dismissed it as a useless tool. What purpose does a silly video have on his broken psyche especially in a city where bad shit happens every second? "Of course, I can point out that I have very little to fight for these days, but why throw a pity party? I'm on shaky ground with the woman I love who still believes I attacked her faction, I lost my therapist, and haven't found the proper footing with my best friend. Just to name a few," Seb splayed his palms along the desk's glossy surface, "Then there's Davenport. My supposed birthright, the home that's taken so much from me and given little in return."

Sebastian breathed a steady sigh and shifted his gaze toward the window, "What is it about this place that sucks you in? I mean, Eleanor offered a chance of freedom on a silver platter and I flat out refused because I'd rather chain myself stubbornly to a place I've resented than watch it fall into her hands." His eyes landed back on the camera lens, "Mistakes, there's been a few. My brother, for instance," He paused, "Theon tried preparing me for this business whenever it was my time to take over, but it's like I conditioned my mind to despise him from the beginning. He pushed me over the edge. The disregard, the coldness, the arranged marriage, what he did to Ryan, Theon was wrong about all of it." Seb dragged his attention from this exercise and yanked open the drawer beside him before reaching for the familiar pill bottle. He unscrewed the cap and popped two capsules in his mouth, swallowing them down dry. "Doesn't mean I regret the fact he's dead."

Even though everyone essentially knew Theon's blood was on his hands, Sebastian wasn't dense to confirm it on candid camera. What were the chances his phone fell on the wrong detective's radar like a fucking godsend from the heavens, building a victory case that guaranteed a righteous win? Derek Monaghan, in particular, had it out for him since the beginning. He remembered the Savitri blast about his relationship with Ryan, how Derek seemed to almost enjoy the implosion between the Ainsworth brothers. Just desserts. "I regret that article. My so-called apology." A sad scoff passed the man's lips, "If I had just played my part and kept my mouth shut, she wouldn't have destroyed my life. Thought I was doing the honorable thing offering empathy with the position she was placed in, but that backfired like every move I make these days."

"And maybe that's the real problem," He spoke after a contemplative moment, "My righteousness, my need for penance, that shit doesn't fly in St. Cascadia. I want to be a good person, I thought I was at one point during my life, but I cannot force the members of the faction to support me while I'm stuck behind my family's shadow." His father's reign amassed years' worth of loyal followers who feared him as much as they respected him. He wasn't the first to implement the contract system, however, it's a tradition Theon carried over during his domineering Davenport's inner workings. Dozens of deals landed on the former leader's very desk, each one as strategic as the last. "It's like my blood's in the water and I'm swimming with sharks. You can't have your weaknesses exposed and sure enough, the niceness they took advantage of...was a weakness."

"That isn't to say, I wasn't completely nice. I've had my unhinged moments." Sebastian lifted the pill bottle in his palm and shook it gently, the tip of his mouth quirking dryly, "My previous therapist and I began on the wrong foot. The one thing now standing between me and seeing a very dead Theon are different therapeutic measures and a boatload of pills I could fill the entire manor with. Modern medicine, ladies and gentlemen." He stuffed the bottle back in the drawer with a flourish and winced at the squeak of the antique wood as he closed it. "It does well drowning out the voices in my head. You know the ones, right? Quick to tell you you're not good enough, smart enough, that you deserve any awful misfortune happening to you."

The next statement came after a long beat, "That it's better if you just stopped breathing." Seb ripped his gaze away in a shame written all over the young man's expression. He tried giving the city what it desired and even then, he wasn't strong to accomplish that successfully. "I lost control. After Theon's death, I became a monster reveling in the darkness. Others share the blame, certainly." The ones who would remain unnamed. They knew who they were if these people ever came across this video, "I was manipulated. My choices, yes, but to say I was egged on is something I can't deny. Those moments..." The sentence trailed, "You know what it's like to be unmade?" Sebastian rhetorically asked the camera and the imaginary audience that would never exist. "To feel someone else take away who you were and almost stuff somebody different back in? I didn't know who I was for a long time."

If he posed the question to the likes of Judas Langley, Eleanor, or even Benji, they would blatantly conclude he utilized a shovel and dug his own grave, slowly burying himself alive in ignorant decisions that easily began with Theon's great fall. It's worth pondering then an alternate reality where Sebastian fell in line with becoming a leader, learning at his older brother's side until he was absolutely ready. He'd know the rules of the game, holding contracts, commanding an entire faction dedicated to his family. No Ryan, no reason for Benji's banishment, only an agreed marriage to Eleanor Cabello securing their foot hold as an unstoppable power couple. Suits and limousines, meetings and sleepless nights at the Ainsworth tower, rinse and repeat.

Yet, destiny selected an unexpected twist. All that's left are the ruins of Davenport's longest standing family and a business seconds from destruction. "I'm beginning to understand who I have to be now." Sebastian threaded his fingers together and rested them on the table in front of him, "You don't win over respect with a shiny apology or a goody good heart of pristine gold, you earn it." Or take it. "Sure, some, if not most, still carry hatred for me and that's fine. Even Theon faced naysayers who repeatedly compared him to our father." And in turn, the comparisons between the brothers will persist no matter what he did. "I'll never make everyone happy. Some change is good, but I can't be successful if I don't at least embody some of my brother's core ideals." He began rattling off the list, "Strong, intuitive, cunning, staying one step ahead and bringing fresh solutions to the table while ruling the faction with a cutthroat approach. Don't get your hands dirty if you can pay someone else to do for you. And more importantly, don't allow anyone ever to defy you."

"The law of the land." Sebastian raised his hands in a shrug and leaned back comfortably in his chair, "Kingdoms crumble at the hands of a leader with one hundred percent morality. Do you think my pops and my brother obtained a cult following if this drug cartel wasn't involved? No, anyone who deals in addiction don't possess a single drop of virtuous intention. I really do hate what sustains this faction's economy, but it's no better than guns or prostitutes. An unfortunate living." He couldn't tell which is worse, drugs or the dealings keeping Hedgstone and Newford thriving. "The best place to start is formulating a business plan and pray it's enough to renew an alliance with prior close associates. And if I'm lucky, it reaches the people."

A few contemplative minutes of silence sliced through the air and had anyone been watching what was previously recorded, it's a fair assumption if they believed the quiet is the result of damaged audio. One thought crossed his mind, one person gripping the man's humanity resting in her palm. Sebastian unclasped the chain looped through a piece of jewelry concealed from the world that hung from his neck ever since the marriage. His wedding band. Removing it from its proper place, he held the ring between his index finger and thumb, inspecting the physical symbol of his love for his wife. "Theon remained content leading from the top alone, I however, won't. If I really want to learn a thing or two, if I want worthiness, I need Ryan. Whether she cares to be with me in any capacity is up for debate, it's just breaking the status quo working with a Vincent peaks my curiosity." He slipped the ring on the appropriate finger and sighed. In the privacy of the office, no one will notice the secret elopement. At least that's a comforting indulgence. "The scandal."

"Anyway," Sebastian absentmindedly spun the ring around his finger, head slowly shaking, "I missed the entire point of the assignment and rambled. I'm sitting at Theon's antiquated writing desk, engaging in a one-sided conversation with my phone while I stumbled upon realization after realization. Somewhat looking like a jackass. How's that for affirmations?" He sarcastically quipped, reaching out for the device and cupping it in his hand before staring at his reflection in the screen's video imaging. The small frame left Sebastian's tousled hair to be desired and anything more than that couldn't be said for the man's growing beard. "I no longer need to waste the energy trying to change myself, I'll be what they need me to be. St. Cascadia, Davenport, it never really evolves apart from the revolving door of leaders." He adjusted the phone closer to hammer home his opinions. "Same shit, different day."

"Time to change with the times." Sebastian shot the lens a tight smile and stopped the recording.