#shame he will never see her
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In his last moments
Do you think snow regretted leaving her?
Do you think he saw her smirk in Katniss' lips
And her voice in the trees
Calling for him to join her
Wear a necklace of rope
Side by side
#shame he will never see her#sejanus and lucy grey laughing from heaven#sejanus makes popcorn and lucy grey gets everyone to shush#the show is starting#they wouldn't want to miss it#it ain't over until the Mockingjay sings#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#the hunger games#lucy gray baird#coriolanus snow#katniss everdeen#suzanne collins
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okay is she being actually immature or is it just a woman over 30 expressing a human experience you find to be immature.
like yeah. at certain ages... let shit go. im not defending the real immature shit. im not defending the karen you're picturing. i worked in retail i hate those people too. (once somebody got mad at me because she didn't like how our winter window decor was a snowman smoking a pipe. i wish i was joking).
but men at 57 will write books about how 17 year old girls are soooo sexy. they will invent worlds where women have to be naked for "armor reasons." they will write songs that treat women as objects. people rush to defend them. meanwhile a woman at 35 will be like "heartbreak is hard, actually" or "i feel betrayed by a friend" or "i am struggling with something emotionally." immediately people will say stuff like this woman is 35 by the way. by the way this woman is SO OLD to be experiencing this. BY THE WAY.
im 31, almost 32. the other day a poet was blasted online because at her "big age", she had written a poem about feeling unloved. top comment was "this woman is 29 by the way." this woman is too old to still be useful, by the way. she has to behave better . maybe if she was a good wife and mother she could stop existing loudly, and the story could continue on without her. this woman has served her purpose, by the way. she's so cringe, by the way. at 29 - so old! - she still hasn't figured out that her existence should be one of shame.
#what the fuck.#unfortunately by the time i'd switched accounts (from personal to my poetry one)#i couldn't find it :(#this is why u SEND URSELF THE POST. WHICH I KNOW TO DO BUT!!!#i was so mad i just was like “i'm about to tear this commenter in twain” and . lost da post#if u urself are the 29 and got recently flamed by instagram#i love u. come here. write with me. i was about to pick up a sword for u.#i mean a BIGASS sword.#like we all know im a wlw girlie but the way ppl will be like ''id NEVER write sad poetry about a MAN not LOVING me!!!"#..... wowwwww ur so cool. anyway. people often experience emotions regardless of what u consider cringe.#& if ur gonna shame straight/bi women for feeling a certain way. hope u never write about the#weird relationship between u and ur father. or feeling different from ur brother.#or how ur male best friend fucked u over. since it's SO CRINGE. to have ANY feelings caused by a MAN#like be so for real. beloved. nobody is fucking saying this when men do it.#''oh it's cringe to like a woman or feel heartbroken by her.''#controlling women's feelings and actions???? it's more likely than u think.#btw op is nonbinary do NOT be gender essential on this post i'll kill u with my teeth#edit: btw for the person who dm'd me ''when is it misogyny and when is it actually valid''#pretty easy. if a man had done it#would it be cringe? . like if a man sang a sad song about ''she broke my damn heart''?#if he said ''i want to have kids with her'' or something sexually explicit?? like would u even LIKE IT if a male poet had said it?#& if it's like. nah a 35 yr old man being upset about this is cringe too. yeah it's just cringe. that exists. we both know it does.#but .... often i see this ONLY about women. and i can't help but hear like. how back in middle school#we were fed the lie ''girls mature faster.'' ... why do i have to be emotionally regulated? but if a man wrote about the same things?#..... idk . im pretty anti cringe culture to begin with. but this one feels so bad to me . ur still a person past 33.
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yeah so this was insane
#i feel like too many people reduce this interaction to jason being like ‘lol same’#but idk :/#this chapter is from jason’s pov#and leading up to it he’s like ‘people keep walking on eggshells around me bc of the the michael varus stab wound’#and he hates it so when he goes on deck to help out with the storm#everyone’s like wtf except for percy#and jason states how much he appreciated percy not treating him like a sick kid#and i feel like it’s echoed in this sentiment where jason could say so many things like#‘you should never feel that way’ ‘im here if you need anything’#but he doesn’t make percy feel alone in his desire to just…. end it all#which ik for some people that doesn’t work but you’re not a character in hoo and percy is dealing with so much guilt#and he can’t tell annabeth bc she’s a main aspect of that guilt#and he doesn’t wanna guilt her more and he feels ashamed and when he describes this he feels weird for feeling it#so having jason this tough guy be like ‘yo i understand it bc i felt the same way#that’s gotta mean a lot to percy#also insane how jason who also struggles to display vulnerability#allows it in one of few times in this moment just so percy this guy he’s supposed to be jealous about#feels comforted and not alone in his guilt and shame#and also it’s just insane how jason’s wanting to kay em ess does not get talked about AT ALL#and just seeing his mom and the pressure of new rome getting to him#like this scene is insane and i’ll never shut up about it#also ignore me i’m just finishing my reread of hoo that took all summer#jason grace#percy jackson#pjo#ashla.txt
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"I have many fears, most of them about Lucrezia." — Cesare Borgia (The Borgias, 2011-2013) + hints of insecurity
that she adores someone that much / if she will reject his dark nature and act of love and violence as Ursula did / if he truly is not part of her desires / that she easily forgets him
#i have so many thoughts on these two#hes such a clingy brother wth#as much as he soothes her it is only by asking lucrezia verbally or#by looking at her that his fears and insecurities in her life can be soothed#cesare torn between - being relieved she had some joy in the ruthless marriage he had no power to prevent and did not even want to bless#or being envious there is someone else now when his little sister once said she will not love anyone as much as she loves him#but Accepting it anyways because it is impossible loves and maybe he is starting to become aware his love falls in this same category.#“should i envy this narcissus low-born who shall never see you again because of his impossible love for you when i love you just the same?”#the knife more surprise than fear. in a time when he did not love himself...“she accepts me as i am? as i do her”#biting her as if another black panther pet looking for reassurance that their love#that HE is still included in her perfect world even if he himself pulls away#“surely you're in agony as much as i am? are you already satisfied with your child and husband if we cannot share our love openly?”#“your eyes drift to mine when you say 'husband' am i not he? do you see me as so even when it was just 'tonight'?”#and then his sudden gaze as if to look for truth because how can she forget him when he only thinks of her#AND AGAIN pulling away being eaten by shame and guilt of corrupting her (when their relationship is not just his doing)#torn between hope (we have the capacity to forget and move on) and hope (our love has that much devil power over her)#cesare as the god or the devil or whatever it is that overwhelms whether at war or in love#cesare is one confident man and even if his insecurities has layers of righteousness and importance..it is still insecurity nonetheless#and only for lucrezia#lucrezia borgia#cesare borgia#cesare x lucrezia#the borgias#dailyborgia#perioddramaedit#perioddramasource#weloveperioddrama#onlyperioddramas#romancegifs#the borgiasedit
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i love when ppl draw bumblebee like the happy little creachure he is but also i love when people draw bumblebee like he's had 500 beers in the last 1 hour and still the pain won't even ebb
#bonus when they do both by making him just utterly psychotic but he smiles so no one notices#i am a shameful idw bee enjoyer but like in the tired af ppl pleasing libra girl who needs a therapist so fking bad but#has 700000 billion duties and 900000000 billion expectations and mean bitches in his ear telling him hes stupid#sense#and not the he feels like an officer sense like no my queen is just a teachers pet doing her best which is her worst im afraid#anyways i love bee hes very indignant and a bitch but also im gonna stand beside her sorry#u do not understand how powerful it was to give him a cane . a literal crutch to hold onto to feel stronger even when ratchet says he doesnt#have to anymore but yet bee still insists bcs he doesnt have time for the repairs itll take when others cannot survive#and 2 it comforts him with support and also power and so he cradles it close with the idea of him being weak & needing smthing else#to make him strong#even tho at this point it's rlly just for comfort but he cant afford to allow himself to have comfort when others cant#or dont need it in his heroism ideals (specifically optimus being seen as so much stronger than him)#optimus also had bee tho. had him. but bee is so self conscious he just sees all his failures surrounding optimus & views himself not a#crutch to lean on but a crutch to optimus' character#he rlly needed rodimus and his fiery upbeat persona so they could fake it till they made it together and he left & fucking exploded#(in bees eyes)#like idk im just obsessed with this little tryhard loser#he islike a sad little clingy mother who refuses to think herself as human. she is just mother. lives off evrryones accomplishments#never her own#idk like hes so interesting tonme i want to kill him teehee#chew on him like sponge cak#bumblebee#transformers#tf bumblebee#tf idw#idw#tf#????#maccadam#i hate not knowing waht tag to use
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my personal headcanon is the vees were unremarkable nobodies when they were alive. i just love it as a thematic throughline for them. they love to let the public of hell speculate on them being famed and acclaimed since before death, but the the truth is they were a d-list failed influencer that got by on cheap controversey and scamming, a broke junkie who burned every shaky bridge he ever had, and a worn-out broadcast production assistant with more rejected auditions and tossed out script pitches than he could count. nobody missed them when they were gone, nobody cared who they were until they were dead.
#because villains who didn't start off supremely powerful are more interesting to me#vees#it's not that they CAN'T be better. or that they're simply ignorant of the ways they fuck up others lives#they actually all do have that knowledge of being the underdog. and it's made them all the more shitty#because they never want to be those people again#narratives about people who make each other worse <3#to be clear they were still shitty people in life. manipulative. consumed by greed and envy. all their individual flaws etc etc#but hell made them into the absolute worst versions of themselves#of course what their Worst Self is and the journey/length of time/initial reaction to being in hell varies#like val sees hell as a continuation of the things happening in life. just w/ the power dynamics always privileging him#it's the same drugs and violence. except the violence isn't just survival anymore but the chance to indulge his deeply sadistic desires#vox has completely dissociated from his time alive. that person is dead and he's reinvented himself 1000 times over since then#90% of the time he has those memory files shoveled into a hidden directory#he refuses to acknowledge that he's still haunted by some of the same insecurities from almost a century ago#val doesn't necessarily see his living self in a fond light but he does see that person as fundamentally him#velvette thinks life was full of people who weren't her demographic but fortunately that's been fixed by sinners!#they just couldn't Get Her and that was all their faults#the primary way they view their past selves can be summed up as: scorn (vox) apathy (valentino) and in denial (velvette)#sorry the bulk of the post was in the tags. i will be doing this again#the scorn is the coping mechanism for shame. of course
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I saw it in your tag game post that you're also fond of the Apollo-Heracles conflict 👀 for a myth that appears in only a couple of sources, it sure has a lot of presence in the vase paintings (no seriously, everytime I think I've seen the last of it, I find ten more)
SO do you have any favorites among the paintings that represent this story??
OMG OMG THIS ASK IS A GIFT. IT IS A GIFT THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT THIS
I also think it's extremely interesting that it's a story so popularly portrayed by vase paintings and in such a variety of ways!! It's certainly one of the stories that gets left out of written compilation of Heracles' legend a bit (which is a shame, I think it's a fantastic story) but Apollo had a very peculiar relationship with Heracles in general that I just kind of find amazing (and very, very funny).
Apollo is not a god with any legitimate grudge against Heracles, but he does argue with the mortal a bit like he argues with his favourite brothers 😂Part of why I love the story of Apollo and Heracles fighting over the tripod so much is that it is such a little brother thing for Heracles to be upset with the proclamation his elder brother has given him and so, he throws a great fit, taking up the chair and declaring that he'll just give himself a better prophecy! And Apollo, instead of being a marginally professional big brother, decides to fight him for it until their father has to break up their cat-fight. Like was that not just the plot of the Homeric Hymn to Hermes? Is this not exactly how Apollo treated Hermes when he was a child and now those two are inseparable? 💀
Because of this, my favourite vase paintings tend to be the ones that highlight the personal squabbling between Apollo and Heracles the most. There are some very elaborate ones that have the full host of them - Athena, Heracles, Apollo, Artemis, usually a dog and a doe, I've even seen a couple that had birds and plants etched on them, but the simplest ones that show Heracles about to bonk Apollo with his club out of frustration or depict Heracles nyooming away from Apollo while Apollo (presumably) yells curses about how he's going to fling Heracles head first into Tartarus for daring to take his things? Yeah, those are the premium big brother/little brother things I'm looking for.
(Photo. Marie-Lan Ngyuen)
(Photo. Museo Claudio Faina)
Also the one in the Theoi.com archives is a real classic - perfect energy.
#ginger answers asks#Thank you SO much for letting me talk about this even a little it always makes me smile#Despite their disputes - if you ask me Apollo was quite fond of Heracles#And I think a big part of why I ultimately come to that conclusion is that Apollo never hinders Heracles or withholds blessings from him#He simply calls him a bitch every time he sees him and then makes his life marginally more inconvenient#like any good older brother let's be so fr#It's extremely charming to see him so playful with a mortal he's not in love with/that is not his son#Other moments of Apollo teasing Heracles includes him trying to convince Artemis not to let Heracles catch her doe when he comes#to fulfill that particular labour (again he doesn't actually try to stop it he just puts up a bit of a fuss about it)#and perhaps another of my all time favourites#Personally luring Heracles into Admetus' house so Heracles can wrestle Thanatos while Apollo rescues Alcestis#I DO NOT KNOW WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT THE LUNACY OF APOLLO'S ADMETUS/ALCESTIS PRESERVATION PLAN#He really said “No yeah I know a guy don't worry about Death Incarnate” and then Heracles shows up at Admetus' door like this is a sitcom#The laugh track that plays in my mind every time Admetus opens that door sees Heracles and then looks back at the disguised Apollo like#'HIM?? HERACLES?? Heracles who can break me in seven pieces with a thought Heracles???'#And Apollo just gives him a thumbs up and says “feed him well pookie <33”#Genuinely some of the funniest shit I have the pleasure of reading in greek myth#Another reason I don't think Apollo has any ill will against Heracles though is how Apollo reacts when Heracles#loses Hylas in the Argonautica#Or well some versions of the Argonautica - this is also a story that changes wildly depending on the source/compilation#But Apollo is incredibly sympathetic to Heracles' sorrow and kind of decides there and then that Heracles losing one love#should be the return of another and asks that Zeus let Heracles free Prometheus when he makes his descent into the underworld#Similarly it is Apollo who anoints Alcaeus/Alcides the name Heracles (also dependent on the myth source)#They just had a very fun relationship and it's a serious shame that it's not acknowledged more#apollo#heracles#greek mythology#(Also people do not talk about the fact that Apollo grappled with Heracles to a standstill enough actually)
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imagine falling in love with the girl whose existence led to yours and societyy's perception of your family falling. isnt that crazy. isnt that wild.
#soop.txt#kotlc#sofitz#fitz vacker#sophie foster#like it 100% was not her fault but like#prentince hiding sophies existence -> mindbreak -> Alden feels massive amounts of guilt -> everything that follows#and then obviously once sophie shows up and starts unravelling how truly unfair parts of this society is. and how the vackers have been a#major part of it.#like Fitz has to deal with the fact that he'll never be able to see his family the same way and he'll never be seen the same way again#and the vacker legacy he was so proud of is probably now a point of shame.#And sophie is the main catalyst behind it. and also hes in love with her.
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why must everything that the text clearly states atp be misconstrued like i really dont get it he has plenty of flaws in that relationship but we, and cersei, know that he was ready to kill robert for just the disrespect of the cheating if cersei said the word. he doesnt concern himself with the personal consequences, he is reckless, detached from a lot of things, and can close his eyes at the future if he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. also the concern over the “shame” and ned type judgement feels so overestimated to me atp. he never regrets aerys, he is mad at how he is perceived (but again, notably doesnt try to rectify it by telling the truth for a lot of complex reasons), but he would never take it back. if he believes its the right thing to do, and is not overdosing on copium trying to juggle vows he cares about, he will do it, reputation be damned. though he has selfish concerns regarding being viewed as good, the internal matters so much more than the external: see weirwood dream: who actually shows up? what makes the fire go out? “it was not him. it was never him”, see the trebuchet fiasco, see the choice in adwd. why shouldnt we take cersei at face value when she implies that if jaime knew about the physical abuse he would have killed him? he loves and cares about cersei to an insane degree, even if he can be selfish toxic and unhealthy too. not to mention he would be glad to kill robert anyway lol. i really find it very very difficult to imagine that he wouldnt have killed him based on almost every single part of his characterization.
#ik its better to reply than to do this but i dont use my twitter for fandom and i keep seeing this general sentiment over and over again#like it makes him so inconsistent and nonsensical#i don’t understand this whole jaime was never there for cersei prehandloss he was at her disposal for almost everything he would have maime#a child just bc she asked like what???#u think that wouldnt have shamed him??#he gave up almost everything for her at 15#and im gonna be real if u r frustrated by jaime burning the letter being framed as this grand triumphant redemptive choice#by people#which i get i dont think its framed like that either#its just as unfair to treat it as the opposite#it is the end of a certain delusion#which is why the joanna dream is the focal point#and#he can divorce himself he has no obligation to die to try save her atp#and remain her sword#i dont see him as the literal devil for that sorry#i feel like some of u feel the need to misconstrue his character to make some of these choices out to be as bad as possible
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Go play pretend on your own (Patreon)
#Doodles#Helix#Dexter Favin#Coraline#The Beldam#The other side of this coin <3 Call him out but this time make it unfriendly hehe#I talked last time about the daring rescue!! I do love the daring rescue in Coraline AUs ah same thing with the Camp Camp Coraline AU haha#Burst in through the door! Those poor hinges!#It is a bit funny imagining him crawling through the tunnel in a hurry and kicking the doors open all winded haha <3#It's all very serious of course Max needs help! Stuck behind the mirror from disobeying perhaps?#I was pretty hard on him last time that he'd just Immediately give up his soul for cheap tricks but like - would he?#Yes he's reckless and foolish but he's also stubborn and prideful and hates being told what to do so there's that lol#Which does he want more! The high or his freedom to refuse? I could see it going either way#And for Dex's sake I would hope he'd refuse! As if he hasn't suffered enough eye trauma (eventually)#Ough the thought of him starting to say yes and getting one button eye in and then rescinding his yes ouch#Doomed to have one eye no matter where he goes ah 💔#Anyway - Dex!!! Watch I'll make another one with the ideas mentioned here and then talk about more ideas in those tags pft#Since agreeing with him didn't work how about shaming? ''Go away you're no better''#She really is going hard on him like ''What's your angle? You get him back and then what? Will that actually fix anything?''#Very much pulling from Dexter's meetings with Max at the Institute there hhhhhh as if I needed more feelings about it#Eco_Mono did such a beautiful job playing Dex - so much to consider hehe - but there was one question that I can't stop thinking about#''Why would you want him back?'' and Dexter didn't really have much of an answer - he was barely more than a concept at the time!#Having had the opportunity to see his character grow into himself has given me Such brainworms about that question ♥♪♫#Very want to explore it <3#In the meanwhile it's fun to pit these two against each other haha what an odd matchup ♪#I've only barely drawn the Beldam before now that I think of it! And I think only in her final metal-spidery form never in her mid form here#She's fun :D And so tall! Dexter finally feeling small for a change haha#Her having to fight adult selfishness would be quite interesting I think - something tinged with but not quite the same as loyalty#She can relate to the possessiveness at least hehe I'm sure he'd appreciate the comparison
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#hes had them covered since the minny game this month i know this#and yet i still yearn to see the ladys naked wrists...#shes found her modesty and yet i found my own insanity#please i am dying... uncover them#UNCOVER THEM#SHOW THY NAKEY WRISTS#down so bad im asking ekky to flash an crumb of wrist#ITS WEIRD COME ON MAN YOU NEVER DO THIS#the omega got told to cover up their scent sorry guys#shes been going a little crazy rubbing wrists with everyone we have to put her in the cone of shame
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oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock
#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock#if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died#sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior-#kipspeak#she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not#to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now#this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky#Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves#the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions#so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is#just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed#anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o#weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot#it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting#she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct#just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close#my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s#HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet#too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed#very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun#and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’#I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me#LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya#It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions—#I’m not done let me s#she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH
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Maybe the truth at the heart of Shadowstruck is the importance of family. Because the most compelling stories in this universe are about what happens when you tell parents that some of their children have no right to their love, care, and protection. It destroys what should be the strongest and most natural bonds of love, and that simple horrible thing leads to all the complicated problems in their oppressive society.
#adventures in writing#shadowstruck#got to thinking about this yesterday while reading something talking about the family's importance to society#maybe something about how a child is under a family's loving care until they can take care of themself#and it made me think about how both of the main story ideas that have sprung from this universe#are about someone who suffers when a father deems them unworthy of love#and that got me thinking about how 'uncle tom's cabin' turned people against slavery#largely because victorians valued the family and the book showed how slavery tore families apart#so maybe i should read 'uncle tom's cabin' just as background#but anyway if i decide to do something with the original version of 'shadowstruck'#the compelling thing is not whatever political intrigue was going to happen (which I never defined)#but the possibility that rinna would cross paths with the family that sold her into slavery#meet the younger sister who was given her name#literally her replacement#meet the father who made the decision not to kill her#but also sold her away from the house to avoid the shame that would have come#from people recognizing her as his child#i can't decide if he'd meet her in a slavery context#and have to live with seeing the life he condemned her to#or if she'd be involved with activists at this point#in a position of at least some level of freedom and safety#and he would see her as a woman with thoughts and feelings#(who looks so much like her mother)#and on some level recognize that he did a horrible thing to her#but how do you begin to go about apologizing or helping her#or in any way mending this horrible unforgivable thing that tore you apart?#the trouble about this universe (like so many of my other ones)#is that there's the potential for so many little stories and characters#that don't necessarily want to resolve themselves into full coherent novels#it gives me so many thoughts that it's hard to settle on a complete story
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Suuuuuuch a fan of Nancy's hair actually being naturally curly idc if she actually had straight hair for the first two seasons. She was actually straightening it during that time. Nancy told me herself.
#its actually so so funny how the wheelers always have their hair well kept and styled#suddenly remembering karen in her literal nightgown and her hair. perfectly styles. who tf goes to sleep like that#i mean its INTENTIONAL dont get me wrong. we dont see this with other characters#theyre never actually seen as who they are. its just a performance#which is WHY nancy 'goody two shoes suburban princess' was straightening her hair for 2 seasons#the more she becomes herself the curlier her hair gets 😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌#I DONT CARE THAT THIS IS NOT CANON ITS CANON IN MY HEART !#mike and holly get their floofy straight hair from karen#ted has curly hair like nancy he just styles and gels it into that 80s Just Another Guy Look tm and keeps it short#in fact thats where nancy learned to keep her hair stick straight. internalized curl shame smh.#we never see ted with his hair unstyled. even when hes asleep. coincidence??? I THINK NOT!#misc#actually upon more research i realized mikes hair is a lil wavy so id say hes between karen and ted. its mafematics luv#genuinely cannot tell if mikes hair in s4 is natural or if its once again another style#but im airing on the side of natural your honor
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I work to support my family. like, in the literal sense. my mother's pay as a schoolteacher(!) is not enough to support her me and my brother so she regularly takes +$100 dollars out of my checking account just to afford groceries. she's very insistent on repaying it when she's able, but we both know that this is a necessity for us. we don't discuss the arrangement much---she is nothing if not ashamed to have to lean on her young daughter for support and I am nothing if not unwilling to ask her about it, which imo just makes it more stressful on my end. I carry a level of responsibility in my household that is not negotiated or clearly set out for me because of the same financial/class strain and shame that makes me having a job and earning an income necessary to my family. this pseudo-breadwinner status also substantially intensifies the resentment I feel towards my brother, who has a history of episodes of explosive rage (like our father) and who has further increased the burden on our already-poor finances several times (by breaking a door in our rental house, stealing from our mother, and taking one of our cars without warning at night and driving it until it broke down. the car alone set us at least two thousand dollars back). and my brother is like, mentally ill. I get it! I know that! but so am I! I'm young and upset and on top of that I carry the weight of being the second adult in the household! and you don't see me stealing and screaming and breaking things! anyway last night I was feeling especially resentful of my brother due to insomniamisery (which makes me more upset in general) and today I asked my mother if, since my brother is employed again, she also expects him to contribute his wages to keeping our house running, and she said that she doesn't. because he has no money. because he spends it all as soon as he earns it. he has a higher hourly wage than me. I save money specifically so enough will be available to my mother if she needs it, and I have done this since I took on the second-breadwinner role. I don't even know if my brother knows I do this. it would be awkward to tell him, yes, embarrassing to admit that your pay as a schoolteacher is so dogshit because of a cruel and awful government that you need to supplement your income with that of your children to stay afloat, but is it better when you do it to your daughter?
#bolo speaks#this is a vent post I suppose#I don't wanna be all woe is me about it because strictly speaking children help their parents with finances all over the world#it's just shameful and uncommon in *my* country but fuck. that doesn't make it easy#and finding out that I have this responsibility but my brother doesn't just makes me more upset about it#like. the endless tolerance for him having ragefits veryyyy similar to those of our abusive father already gave me the sense#that he as a man gets leeway that I never would but. are you kidding me#something something eldest daughter syndrome#edit: I've also discussed these pressures and their emotional effect on me with my therapist#who I started seeing for reasons unrelated to money/family problems#and her advice is like. don't be afraid to assert your boundaries with your mother if you need to!#which sounds good on paper but like this also pays for *my* groceries. my ability to eat.#like I love you sarah but I don't think you're qualified to speak on the difficulties of working-class family dynamics
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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