#send me advice because im struggling here

[samwinjester]

Hi. I am trying to finish this fic because I left it just sitting there for YEARS.

How do you know when you should abandon a fanfic? I'm worried my writing style (ch 9 is ehat i wrote for the first time) has deteriorated so feel less motivated.

Also how do you pick and idea and stick with it when you are writing a fic, instead of letting yourself be pulled in so many different potential directions.

[jadeoru]

SMUDGED LIPSTICK!

O2: chivalry -> prev / mlist / next

now playing: decode - paramore 🎶

Sakusa watched her perform on that stage, surrounded by lighting that hit her in an almost angelic way; illuminating her features. She danced around like she's lived in the spotlight her whole life. And he knows she didn’t. He recognised her upon the first glance. One brief look, and he knew exactly who she was. It would take a million lifetimes before he could forget her face. He tried to deny it at first, but its impossible. Standing on that stage, singing her heart out to a punk rock melody, was the girl he used to call his best friend. The girl he ruined everything with.

He hadn’t even noticed his jaw clenching until his teeth began to hurt. His head was spinning; overwhelmed with emotions that he couldn’t even name. Relief? Sadness? Regret? Grief? Honestly, his mind was a disgusting mixture of all of the above. If he'd known that she would be here, that he’d see her again for the first time in almost 4 years, a part of him would’ve wanted to stay at home and to never leave again. But, strangely, the other part of him would’ve left at the mere mention of her name alone. It's pathetic, he thinks. He constantly prayed for moments like these, where he’d see her again: A second chance to make everything better again. Now that he has it, he doesn’t know how to process it.

It’s all so unsightly. So messy. Everything is sticky: the floors, the tables, even his hair is clinging to his forehead with sweat. It’s evident that no one in the crowd has seen a shower in their lives; he can practically see the clouds of b.o that float around him. It’s everything he hates in one place; his head hurts and a part of him wants to go home, a part of him isn’t ready to see her again. But his feet are taking him forwards, his feet are forcing him through the crowd to get as close as possible. Closer to her.

Sakusa selfishly hopes that somewhere out there, there's a universe where he didn't say those words to her; a universe where he didnt ruin everything. a universe where they were still best friends. And if that exists,

maybe there's a universe where they could’ve been more than that.

His thoughts were rudely cut short when the music stopped. Then, among the drunken banter and the crowd chattering amongst themselves, he heard her voice.

“Thank you so much to everyone who showed up tonight! We hope you enjoyed the show because we certainly fucking did. You guys were without a doubt one of the best crowds we’ve ever had!” She spoke earnestly, yet exhaustedly, but overall she sounded just so happy to be up there. He admired that; how humble she was. Her voice was sweet like honey, just like it was the last time he heard it. Despite the shouting, the shakiness of her words as she struggled to hold her tears back, her voice was always so sweet to him. As he cleared his head from the memories of her, she left too. The band had finished their performance, and most of them had exited the stage. Except for their lanky drummer, and their bassist, who were helping the staff carry their equipment. As he searched the area for any trace of her, he finally noticed the obnoxious buzzing of his phone. Shit.

extra!

sorry this ones kinda short :-[

im gonna try have the next part posted within the next few hours to make up for it !

okay fact time

sakusa never opens up to his friends

he just doesnt want to like he genuinely doesnt bother cuz he knows they wont help him

they give terrible advice

nishinoya accidentally launched his guitar pick halfway through the set so he had to play the rest of the song with his fingers strumming

which fucking HURT

non au related but fun fact!! antigun was the name of the band im in before we changed it!!

TAGLIST: @gojoed @anianurst @sleepy-writer84 @itsdragonius @yuminako @wolffmaiden @tenjikusstuff4 @juie13 @ilyless @petrus1989 @aria-in-wonderland @arachnoia @sugarrhiccupp

dm me, reply to this, or send me an ask to be added to the taglist ^__^

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi sex witch! i love your blog and think u give great advice so i thought i would get over my embarrassment and send an ask.

i used to jerk off "normally", rubbing one out with my fingers, but a couple of years ago i started humping my pillow to see how it felt and then got lowkey addicted and now i cannot cum amy other way.

it's led to some shame during sex, because they try to make me cum and im like Oh lol don't worry about it! and also im just genuinely sick of it myself. it doesn't feel that great and i want to be patient and explore my body but i feel like i just can't.

anyway how the hell do i train myself to cum in other ways. i know i can snd i want to, my body just won't and eventually i get frustrated over not being able to cum

hi anon,

okay, so, before we dive into this, I want to address some terminology here, not because I'm mad at your for phrasing this question the way you did but because I am pedantic and the words we use for things influence the way we think about things.

you probably already know this since you used the scare quotes, but there's no such thing as a "normal" way of masturbating - or rather, any way of masturbating can be totally normal to the person who practices it. sexual behaviors don't actually have any innate norm; it's just that some behaviors have been privileged over others and made to seem more common, healthy, or moral.

addiction is also an inaccurate word here, which I feel the need to flag since "addiction" has become VERY popular to misuse in the context of masturbation, porn, and sexuality. you aren't addicted to masturbating this way, you've just gotten accustomed to it. if you were, say, used to lifting with your back and were struggling to adjust to lifting with your knees, as if recommended for the well-being of your back, you wouldn't say you were addicted to lifting with your back. it's just that repetition has made that way of doing things feel easier and more intuitive even if you know logically that it's not ideal and you want to change it.

now, here's the really cool part: unlike lifting things, an activity with a pretty well-defined wrong and right way to do it, masturbation can be ANYTHING.

listen: you just need to get used to doing this other ways. like, literally just stop masturbating that way and explore other ways of fooling around with yourself. it's not going to lead to orgasms right away; you shouldn't expect it to. nothing goes perfectly when you're a beginner, but if you never do it badly you'll never learn how to do it well. just play around and have some grace + patience with yourself while you learn new ways to find pleasure.

[nubisaureus]

when they get jealous and needy

how the genshin men show their jealousy over you

character(s): Cyno, Xiao, Kaeya

pairings(s): fem!reader x Cyno, Xiao, Kaeya (separately)

contents: uncertainty of feelings, smut, found family, angst, comfort

not proofread! im swamped with uni work so i might post less till next week, sorry <3

─────────────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────────────────

Cyno

he's absolutely chill most of the time, but there are some times he just gets jealous and insecure

you bet he's going to mark his territory: whether it is by putting his hand around your waist, pulling you close, whispering something in your ear while looking the other person dead in the eyes, his golden irises sending a silent warning

«And who's this, angel?» he asks, as he gets to your side

you better believe he's gonna get extra needy/rough when you two get in bed later

as he's balls deep in your pussy, he groans «you're mine, aren't you, angel?»

you struggle to answer. not because you don't know what to answer, but because you can't think properly, as he's relentlessly pounding into you, making you lose any semblance of rational thought

he stops, still inside of you.

«answer.» he commands now, making you squirm and whine for more.

«C-cyno..» you plead, incapable of uttering any other word than his name.

«yes?» his pupils dark and wide, much like the ones of a predator

«i am Cyno. that guy was just flirting with me because he can't stand you. he wants to make you angry because the matra once apprehended him due to his illegal schemes, and so he wants to take it out on you..» you utter those words, remembering the case that had shaken your Darshan from the inside out, before Cyno was even the general Mahamatra

as you finish speaking, he starts to pound into you again, making you scream his name, finally getting the release you were aching for

──────────────────────────────

Xiao

poor thing is still new to this having feelings for someone, so when he gets angry when another guy talks with you in a more friendly way, he doesn't know what to do with his feelings

so he goes to Zhongli, asking for advice (a/n yes, i believe in Zhongli as Xiao's found family, idc)

«Rex L-» «Just Zhongli.»

he looks down, biting his lip at the correction. it doesn't feel fair to him to call Rex Lapis as simply Zhongli, but he carries on, explaining his problem

«What you are experiencing is what mortals call "jealousy". While it is normal to have such a feeling when someone you don't like might be talking to her in a little too friendly manner, you must learn not to get overwhelmed by this feeling, as it only brings people apart and destroys relationships.»

he thinks long and hard about what Zhongli told him, and as you return to Wangshu Inn, you find him on the rooftop, deep in thought.

«I'm back, Xiao.» you say, catching his attention.

you are met by a dry reply, that makes you wonder what might be up with him

after a bit, he decides to confess, and you look at him, endearment in your eyes

«aw, love. you have no need to be jealous. i'm sorry you felt this way. whether adeptus or human, jealousy is a terrible feeling that no one wants to experience. but i can assure you that the only one i love is you, and no one else.»

he's got tears in his eyes

«are you sure?» you nod. «but..my karmic debt..» he averts his eyes, turning his back to you

you hug him from behind, resting your head on his shoulder

«my Vision protects me.»

he makes you promise to run away if he ever loses control over himself, and you reluctantly agree, even though you know that if that ever happened, you would fight for him until the bitter end.

──────────────────────────────

Kaeya

oh boi, you're in for a ride

he's literally the smoothest talker ever, he doesn't even need to get jealous

he's more of a showoff really, basically showing off his wonderful girlfriend

so it's more him making other people jealous, whether men or women, because, let's be honest, it's not like women are not jealous of you

«all alone here, kitten?» he comes up at you at Angel's Share, while Diluc rolls his eyes at his cheesiness

you flirt right back, twirling a strand of loose hair in your fingers, catching his attention

your hair and neck are his weak points, so you know exactly what you're doing

his eyes are fixated on you, as you let go of your hair, and go back to your drink, ignoring him

he comes up to you, whispering something in your ear

«let's put on a show» are the words that come to your ears, and you smile wickedly

you turn your head towards him, staring at his lips intensively

he's too close for comfort, and you can feel his cold breath on your skin, shivers appearing in response

as you're about to kiss, your lips inches from each other, a suave melody starts playing

you see one of the most renowned bard of Mondstadt, Venti, playing his lyre for the tavern

you get all excited, and stand up, your dress flitting around your figure

Kaeya gives you a puzzled look, but it soon transforms into an amused smile, as he joins you in dancing

you two dance together, the entire tavern mesmerized at the sight of you two

might also be because Kaeya was using his vision to create small snowflakes around both of you, those same snowflakes catching the light of the tavern, creating a reflective spectacle

you decide to tease him, grabbing him by the ring that holds his collar in place

he smiles smugly, as if to ask "what now?"

your faces get too close for comfort, both of you lost in the each other's eyes

suddenly a whiff of wind swirls around you, diffusing an irresistible aroma around you

who's gonna give in first? it's a battle of wits at this point

Kaeya does.

you don't even have the time to process it, that his lips are on yours, and his hands are on your waist, pulling you closer

that was one memorable night

what you didn't know is that your ex was standing in a corner of the tavern, a bewildered look in his eyes as he witnessed the whole scene

Kaeya is a fucking menace

[hash1ras]

jjk hcs -`♡´- modern au

part one: yuji, megumi, nobara note: characters are aged up in this, early-mid 20's | banner image made by me ♡

⋆˙⟡♡ yuji

definitely the comedian of the group, he's always making you laugh

literally has thousands and thousands of followers on twitter, he's so popular fr (but so humble about it)

sweet tooth!!! always eating sweets, one night at a house party you watched him pull pocky out of his jacket & start snacking in the middle of the kitchen like ??? yuji please eat a vegetable im worried about your health smh

literal sweet baby angel

street style fashion king!!

loves hip hop music, his current favs are isaiah rashad & childish gambino he knows the words to every song (yuji’s playlist here)

carpool karaoke sessions w him and nobara!!

he's your best friend, you guys have sleepovers and random day trips together

gives the best hugs!!! (😭)

you two have a joint playlist on spotify

has a polaroid camera that he brings with him everywhere

his bedroom is covered with pics he's taken of you and the group<3

⋆˙⟡♡ megumi

the quiet one (ofc)

has his headphones in almost constantly, its usually deftones or nirvana

he also loves old jazz music????

the type of guy to send you 50 tiktoks in a row but never reply to yours smh

he's your go to video game partner

you love going over to his house just to snuggle with his dogs on the couch

he acts annoyed and gives a little "tch" as he walks by but secretly he thinks it's the cutest thing in the world

he likes playing soccer in his free time, like he's actually an insanely good player (okay go off blue lock)

manga collector

his favorite is berserk, like damn who hurt you bby

when he gets drunk, he's the life of the party and will even pull you out on the dance floor

but then he's grumpy as hell the next day because he's violently hungover and you're showing him videos of the night before (now he's burying his head in the pillow bc he's embarrassed)

his closet is literally all black clothing

you love stealing his jackets and shirts when he's not looking lmao

megumi is the one you go to when you're struggling with anything, he always gives the best advice with 0 judgement

⋆˙⟡♡ nobara

shopaholic!!!!!

will usually take mall trips with you, she'll facetime you from the dressing room to get your opinion on outfits and now you two are having a virtual date from across the dressing room hallway lmao

fortnite champion

she always kills megumi anytime they play together and he gets so mad, now he's screaming at nobara while you and yuji are dying from laughter on the couch

"the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet"

thats actually her instagram bio

loves cherry coke

club girl, you two love spending your weekends out dancing, occasionally you'll drag megumi & yuji out with you

you know those platonic codependent friendships? like does anyone wanna hang out for 15 days in a row? yeah that's you and nobara<3

has a sanrio obsession & a plushie collection to match (she calls you the kuromi to her melody)

she's a swiftie

her favorite album is reputation

gives the best boy advice

requests are open!#

[cinnamonest]

LENA HI i need to ask. how do you survive irl? bc personally im a radical feminist and im all for eradicating gender roles and empowering women so having all these raging fetishes that stem from misogyny is so shameful to me(not that i really want to stop anyway…) i walk around with millions of unwanted inappropriate thoughts produced by my noncon-adled porn-rotten brain. like i genuinely need advice(or at least reassurement…) from someone that can relate. even if you cant relate or dont want to answer, id be VERY happy if you could just post this to your board so maybe someone else could see it and send a reply, as another anon or as a comment to the post, idk. thank you in advance. and no i dont want to see a professional about this, the fuck am i supposed to tell them😭

I totally get that, I struggled with the same thing for a long time. I'm not great with explaining things like this, but I think the most important thing to address (the observation of which helped me get over feelings of shame and guilt) is

1) a disconnect between real misogyny and fictional misogyny, as well as 2) critical examination of fandom culture perpetuating shaming the content.

To be very clear: misogyny in real life is not like what I write about. Actual misogynists behave remarkably differently from what you see here. They do not cherish you, they're not just possessive or tsun, they genuinely do not see you as human, you are disposable to them, they hate you — and their behavior reflects that.

Secondly, I think it helps to become aware of a phenomenon I've noticed, increasingly so in recent years, where the same people vehemently hating on dark fiction will turn around and engage in very real misogyny. It's a bizarre phenomenon but it's definitely real and observable, and observing this over and over again has proven to me that fictional content does not at all facilitate real engagement.

I'm obviously biased to myself, and I won't say it's objectively true, but I personally think that the fictional content helps me recognize the real thing even where others often don't, and I've seen others in these spaces have similar experiences.

Which frankly, this contrast is not good because real misogyny, especially as it is casually woven into everyday life and culture, causes real harm, yet fandom culture is increasingly obsessed with fictional content and shaming consumers while turning a blind eye to it occurring in reality.

Recognizing the difference, for me at least, and the disconnect between them, as well as the realization of just how often real misogyny was a critical part of getting over feelings of guilt.

Tldr:

1) fictional misogyny and real misogyny are not only different, but often mutually exclusive, and

2) engaging with fictional content on misogyny does not inhibit your ability to recognize nor combat it — that's a matter of careful analysis of engagement with culture.

Also on another note — there are a lot of professionals who are very understanding about this sort of thing! I won't say every single one is, but there are plenty of non-judgemental professionals.

[strawberrylabs]

Lyney drabbles

ok so...

i know i said id be getting all my other requests out like a month ago and i promise im working on them- just slowly

but i my brain is ROTTING with Lyney headcanons atm because I just finished fontane archon quests and his story quest so yall are gonna have to let my numerous lyney dabbles tide you over until i upload anything else

(also please send me lyney headcanons or prompts i am DYING to write about this man)

ANYWAYS!

reader can be interpreted as any gender! no gendered terms are used

WARNING! this will have spoilers to fontane lore and Lyney's story quest!! I will also be mentioning death, grieving and slight depression! read with caution if you're sensitive to these topics.

spoilers will be under the cut!

I'll be here

synopsis: after the events of Lyney's story quest, his lover comforts him as he finally finds closure after Cesar's death.

After the traveler and Paimon left Lyney and Lynette at the steambird, Lynette turned to look at her brother.

"So, Cesar's honour has been restored."

Lyney smiles to himself

"That it has my dear sister. Now, I do believe a certain someone is at home with Freminet waiting for us." Lyney turns to his sister expectingly.

"Actually, I'm going to the port. I need some time to shut down. And I think you need some time too, Lyney."

Lyney sighed and smiled a melancholy smile. Of course Lynette could see through him.

"You're quite right, as always dear sister. I think I shall take your advice."

-------------------

When Lyney walked through the door to his home expecting to be greeted by his brother and lover, he only found his lover in sight.

"Freminet said he wanted to go diving by the opera house tonight. Something about the tildaga being different at this time of year." (y/n) answered, almost as if hearing Lyney's confusiong.

"Ah I see. Lynette has gone to the port to unwind after the weeks events."

(Y/n) smiled knowingly at the magician.

"And I suspect you'll be needing to unwind too."

Lyney gasped in faux astonishment

"My word! I didn't know you learnt telepathy? I suppose when you spend so much time around such a great magician you do pick up a few things. Maybe you can join Lynette and I and we can form a magical trio?" Lyney emphasised his words with a florish of his hat.

(Y/n) chuckled and moved towards Lyney, grabbing his hand.

"As much as I would love to know exactly what's going on in your mind, I do not have telepathy. I do however, know you well enough to know you need a rest."

Lyney's smile faltered a smidge. Despite knowing he can be vulnerable around (Y/n), he still struggles to let his guard down. Apparently years of working for the house of the Hearth does that to someone.

While in thought, (Y/n) pulls Lyney to their room, and places him on their bed, sitting him down wordlessly, and moving to sit behind him.

Lyney registers the feeling of his hat being taken off, and fingers in his hair taking out his braid.

"Just relax. I'll take care of you. I know everything with Cesar has been tough. You've been preparing yourself for this moment for years-- but I know it's still been heavy."

(Y/n) presses a kisse to his head.

"Cesar would be proud of you. I know you feel guilty about with holding the truth from him, but I just know he'd understand. He would be so, so proud of you and Lynette."

Lyney doesn't remember when the first tear fell down his face, or when his performance clothes were removed and replaced with pjamas, or when he was tucked in against (Y/n)'s chest.

"Cesar can be truly at peace now with his name cleared. You did great Lyney."

Lyney takes a deep breathe, and burries himself in the safety of his lover's embrace.

"..Thank you (Y/n).."

"Of course Lyney. I'll be here for you, always."

this man has me in a chokehold

(thank god I pulled him<3)

-Strawberry

masterlist

Rules

[hillbillyoracle]

Androgynous/Masc Leaning Capsule Wardrobe Ideas

In honor of International Nonbinary People’s Day, I offer you the clothing advice I wish I had like 15 years ago. I prefer a small well curated wardrobe but it is so tough to pull that off as a nonbinary genderfluid person. I spent years struggling to make my capsule wardrobe work for me. Every example I saw was either with feminine clothes or with the world blandest men’s clothing. 

For reference, I’m AFAB and live in Kentucky - very hot and muggy in summers, can get quite cold (-20 F) in winter but it’s usually mild with highs are in the 30F-40F range most days. This is the advice I’d give my younger self if I could. 

Focus on 10-15 Core Items

While I am fluid, I consistently spend most of my time “inbetween” these days. Having a neutral to masc learning main wardrobe with some feminine items to mix in wound up working best for me. So here’s the masc leaning base wardrobe I recommend. 

~3 x Button Ups - I went with short sleeve Hawaiian shirts for myself because I love bold patterns. You can find a lot of Hawaiian shirt these days that don’t have stereotypical “island” patterns on them while still being pretty light and breathable in summer. If your style leans more classic, consider oxford cloth button ups. You might need more button ups if you work in a business casual setting. 

~3 x Tees - I like graphic tees, specifically hand screen printed ones so that’s what I go with. But if your style is more classic then consider investing in some good quality solid color tees. 

~3 x Casual Tops - for me this is a tank top, turtleneck, and a Henley. But you might consider a collarless button ups, plain long sleeve shirts, and ringer style long sleeve shirts. 

~3 Pants - for me, I have black and stone washed denim since those are my favorites. I look for tapered fits over skinny or boot leg where I can. I have one pair that’s a jogger style I quite like. You might look for chinos or khakis if you have a more formal dress code at work but they’ll still work with graphic tees and other tops if you style them right. 

~3 x Layers - for me this is a cardigan, a flannel, and a hoodie. You might consider v neck or crew neck sweaters, cable knit sweaters, and fair isle sweaters as well. 

Feminine Clothing Module

What’s nice about this approach is that you can then create a feminine clothing module that plays nicely with your main wardrobe. 

For me this looks like

1-2 Dresses - I have a maxi tee dress and a long sleeved linen dress since that works more for everyday wear for me. 

1-2 Skirts - I don’t have any presently but the next big feminine swing I have I’ll be ordering a nice linen skirt in my favorite color. 

1-2 Casual Tops - I don’t have any presently after my last big wardrobe edit but business casual shell tops, camisoles, and cowl neck tops work well here. 

1-2 Layers - I have a linen blazer in a women’s cut and a long striped duster. You might consider a kimono style shrug/wraps, sweaters in a more feminine cut, and women’s cardigans

You don’t need a lot here because so much of the main wardrobe can be mixed with a feminine element or two and it becomes much more feminine - especially if you’re AFAB but even if you’re AMAB. It doesn’t take a lot a feminine clothing to make an over all outfit look more feminine and subtle touches work just as well as more overt styles ime.

Sizing

Sizing is tricky as hell. I’m plus size (size 18-20 in women’s pants) and especially trying to find masculine stuff with the right fit is a pain. I really recommend going in to try things on if you’re able but if not get comfortable with the idea you will likely need to send things back. Yes you can take measurements but those measurements are still listed with different proportions in mind. 

For men’s clothes I lean toward a slightly oversized fit - as most men I’m around do. For women’s clothes, I lean toward a slightly tight fit - as most women I’m around do. Look at the people around you and see which fits they lean toward and opt for that where you’re able to for yourself. 

Shoes, Outwear, Special Occasions

Shoes - I tend to opt to go neutral in my shoes and outerwear. Not in color or pattern mind you but gender. For shoes, I currently have 3 pairs - a pair of crocs (with spikes), running shoes/sneakers (old Champion brand slip ons), and a pair of Doc Martens. These are good options if you’re AMAB too because the sizing is unisex or available in similar styles for men and women. Other good options are Vans, Chucks, any hippie sandal brand you can think of. “Nicer” shoes are great but often pretty gendered. I lean toward getting “nicer shoes” that are opposite my assigned gender when I do grab them. 

Outerwear - I also tend to opt for gender neutral options for outerwear too. Since it doesn’t get terribly cold here, I stick to a micropuff jacket from North Face and layer a black denim jacket over it when it gets cold. When I wear it with masc stuff, blends in. When I wear it with feminine stuff, it adds a slight edge I like. Pea coats are decent options as well. If you live some place real cold, a lot of the long winter coats are basically the same between genders, just different fits. 

Special Occasions - I would recommend not worrying about special occasions until or unless they come up. I have the same two “special occasion” dresses that I’ve been using for years because they come up so rarely and I can’t bare to spend too much money on something I’ll wear maybe once or twice a year. Formal wear is highly gendered and if you learn androgynous it’s a tough needle to thread. For those events with hosts you know, it’s worth reaching out to them to see what they think makes an outfit “formal” - could be nicer cuts or materials, could be rigid gender norms - can’t know until you ask. 

For most special occasions, I do not know the host, so I default very structured looks in accordance with my assigned gender. Still feels a bit edgy but no ones gonna have the guts to say it’s wrong. For AMAB folks you might do the inverse, more flowy looks and colors while still adhering to your assigned gender. All depends on the level of familiarity you have with the hosts and the flack you’re willing to catch. 

Outfits

Some masc leaning outfit ideas: 

button up, hoodie, pants, boots

graphic tee, flannel or cardigan, pants, sneakers

turtleneck, pants, boat shoes

button up, tie, cardigan, pants, chelsea boots

Some fem leaning outfit ideas: 

button up, cardigan, skirt, sneakers

shell top, wrap, pants, sandals

graphic tee, skirt, sneakers

dress, sandals

Conclusion

Hope this was helpful to someone out there! 

[monsterkin-culture-is]

Im not good with asks but please may we have some zombie kin help? I've just been struggling with it grrrr , thank you . -📼

Sorry for the delayed response!

This is my first time doing kin tips so it might be a little hit-or-miss but see if any of these are helpful! I'm assuming this is in the context of ways to combat dysphoria/incorporate your kintype more into your daily life.

Raw Meat Diet: Obviously human flesh and raw meat isn't a viable option here unfortunately. @/forests-creatures created a good list of alternatives: Beef jerky, rare steaks, safe raw salmon & dried fruits. For sweet options, I'd say the red tongue-staining lollipops could work, as well as pink or red chocolate & red popping candy. Please research that what you're eating is safe beforehand! Tumblr is not a reliable resource.

Sunglasses & Sunhats: This tip was inspired by a similar vampires list! I'm not sure if your specific zombie kintype has a sensitivity to sunlight or is associated with the night but if so, incorporating sunglasses or tinted glasses into your day-to-day wardrobe might be an option! Sunhats don't blend in as well in the winter but there are rain & sun hats such as Tilley hats and other alternatives which you could use instead.

SFX Makeup: I used to do a lot of this a few years back! I absolutely encourage you to learn special effects makeup to create wounds or even just look a little more corpse-like. This is definitely not for the day-to-day but it's a fun hobby if you're okay getting a little messy! It can also lead into a potential career path. You can do some pretty effective stuff with some fakeblood, toilet roll, glue & foundation so it doesn't always have to be pricey. It's almost halloween so it should be the best time of year to gather supplies!

Apocalyptic Wardrobe: Ripped jeans are your friend!! I know not everyone loves skinny jeans (I certainly don't) so don't be afraid to find an old/cheap pair of cargos or wide leg trousers and make your own tears with some scissors. I'd recommend arm/leg warmers & fingerless gloves, which shouldn't look out of place now we're coming into autumn. Handkerchiefs can also look a lot like bandages. If you like to present more femininely, then messy ribbons & colourful braids in your hair can give the desired vibe.

Try Meditation: Zombies are sort of known for their head-empty, distant feeling from being undead so a healthy way of manifesting that could be through meditating! It's definitely a challenging skill to build but following a youtube guided meditation is a good place to start. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if there were themed ones! (Maybe that's a new business idea for me... horror meditation...)

Go on a walk/hike: This is a common kin tip via the idea of connecting with nature. However, I think it works especially for zombiekin because you can recreate that feeling of solitude from the apocalypse.

Onto the more generic advice! I always recommend making a moodboard for your kin, which you can then use as the cover for a kin spotify playlist. Watching movies of your kintyoe is a common recommendation. In this instance I'd say include other apocalypse films/tv too!

A generic but less common tip is (if it's your sort of thing) make an oc/kinsona for your kintype and play as them in a game or roleplay as them online.

I hope a couple of those ideas were helpful! Let me know if you try any. Also thank you for your other culture-is submission, I'll add it to the queue!

If I have completely misunderstood your ask please send another one and I'll see how I can help!

[skyeslittlecorner]

can you post some photos on chapter five? ive been struggling to get to it and im impatient if ykwim 😭😭

Don't worry anon, I got you covered! Let's break this chapter for three parts - one for story and for one for both H-scenes. There are a lot of things to look forward to~

Warning: HEAVY SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT. In fact, I'll try to shorten the whole thing and focus on plot-relevant facts, so for those who want to go through chapter 5 on their own, come back when you're done! (Or just skip to h-scene, they are marked.)

Ch5 - STORY

First, I would like to warn that my opinion about it may be unpopular. As someone who hadn't paid much attention to Hades before, I fell in love with it after this episode. I adore ch5. A lot of people hate these boys to the core for what they did, and I understand and respect their opinion, but I'm with Hades here. I would love to analyze their behavior in more detail, but we don't have time for that today.

Summarizing this chapter is going to be hard because a lot of things happened. Let's go!

We start by going down a slide sponsored by Leviathan and his Lovecraftian friends (TM). But worry not! It seems we have friends even in the realm of death. Say hello to grandpa!

We talk a little, being in a questionable mood. Well, who wouldn't be? But we have the opportunity to know Solomon better, and I'm getting to understand why all devils love him. By the way, it turns out that we are his last descendant.

Sorry Solomon, you're still a peepaw.

He also advises us not to be afraid of Leviathan and not to be submissive to him, and then in a brilliant way he sends us back to the world of the living. Of course, our beautiful king is delighted.

We take Grandpa's advice to heart and finally stand up to Levi. He's surprised, but he doesn't try to kill us again (for now). We witness him hanging one of his subjects, who dared to ask about an accident from 311 years ago.

Fun fact. Devils must have much stronger spines. Do you know how people used to die by hanging? The first methods involved cutting off oxygen, but later they involved into breaking the cervical spine and this was considered a standard hanging execution. Leviathan must be gentle (how bad it sounds in this context), he could kill instantly with a loop like that.

Back to the point. We find out that we also have a noose around our neck, and Leviathan makes use of it. We're hanging, but we finally begin to meet Leviathan's nobles one by one.

Glasyal plots (and ends up hanging for it), Foras argues with him, along the way we learn that Leviathan needs us in his plan, and, you know, maybe killing us isn't the smartest thing he can do. Only Barbatos realizes that maybe it's a good idea to stop hanging us like wet laundry. He's the only one so openly nice to us.

Remember that.

Another fun fact, our MC is of medium height (~160 cm I guess). Leviathan is 187cm, Foras should be similar. I only noticed this because I myself am 180 cm so they are not so strappingly tall for me.

Foras wants to take us away from Levi and explain everything calmly, but the king does not agree. We learn that the guys know where the seed from the Tree of Knowledge is. We're supposed to go with them, and we have about a 50/50 chance of survival. Also, we have the opportunity to see a very rare phenomenon, a joking Leviathan.

Sweetie.

Colossally shortening the rest, the cavalry arrives! You didn't have to. I haven't had time to fuck them yet.

And this cavalry is very much at odds with the nobles of Hades. Most of the time is them arguing. Fortunately, they didn't kill each other…

...because Barbie decided to kill us.

Barbatos is poisoning us to force Bimet and Valefor to join the plan. While we are unconscious, we have flashes of Leviathan's past, which is too sad to analyze considering that we are about to jump to hot scenes now. Besides, most of us already know what this is about. Experience it for yourself. Really. We also learn that not only angels experimented on children, and a little about Mammon's childhood.

In the end, we learn that in Ch6 we must visit the abandoned laboratory in Tartaros, where the seed from the tree of knowledge should be, because as Solomon's descendants, we may be the only ones who will not be killed by it.

Ch5 - VALEFOR H-SCENE

(I really wanted to post CG from Valefor's scene here, but I don't know if Tumblr will block it.)

TIME FOR DESSERT!

Bimet is the first to realize that we lack devil energy. He wants to take care of it, but Valefor brushes him off, sends him to scout, and overall Bimet is our wingman, what a bro lol

Since we are away from Satan and Gehenna, we cannot summon Minhyeok's room. MC thinks she's outgrown it anyway. So we can count on the next scenes to be more and more creative.

It all starts with us telling Valefor that he reminds us of Mammon. And what a beast it brings out of him.

And he loves it.

...aaand then, someone wants to interrupt. Bimet informs us about this and goes to chase them out. Valefor stands with us at the door to see if anyone else is coming. Yes. Naked. With us. In us.

Fortunately, no one catches us and after the entire session we fall asleep in our knight's arms.

I really would like to do more screenshots, but tumblr is blocked… and there's one more part to come.

Ch5 - LEVIATHAN H-SCENE

At least you look beautiful and the platform won't block you.

And here's what I love the most. It was sick. I'd love to experience it again.

I would love to make a whole post ONLY about this and just leave the screenshots.

We are in Leviathan's office, and he interrogates us when we feel like we are lacking devil energy. We want to go to Bimet, but do you think our jealous king will allow it? Oh no no no. And of course, his hands land on our chin and then our neck. He doesn't like our hickeys.

We start asking him valid questions like "why are you jealous of us if you hate us?" So he silences us with a kiss. A deep, suffocating kiss. This is also how Leviathan discovers that we gain their energy through "intercourse with the devil".

And how can I not fall in love with this idiot.

The conversation that follows gives us some light on his approach to sex and to relationships in general. Which is… sad. It fits him perfectly, but it's sad. And I would also like to analyze this someday, this character is beautiful and how he's written is even more beautiful, especially from writer's point of view. He does not want the admiration of his people or the hatred of angels. The only thing he can believe and consider to be sincere is that someone's dislike. This is something that might actually turn him on.

At first he rules, he asks questions and he hangs us. And he does everything he can to piss us off. He hands us a whip and lowers us down.

Just disliking him isn't enough, and he works diligently to make us hate him. He insults Minhyeok, us, wishes us dead, and the more he sees our anger, the more he gets excited and talks more. He knows that we are connected to Satan and we will know how to release our anger. On him.

He finally got what he wanted. We straddle him and, with the help of Satan's strength, begin to strangle him. Neither you nor he are gentle.

Also, his words (unfortunately, I already have a limit on screenshots). "Do not bite your lips. Bite mine instead." I beg, let me violate him even more.

Compliment from Leviathan, nice. In the end, we fall asleep cuddled up to him, and he has no intention of giving us up to anyone. As in the case of Sitri, he only opens up to us when we are so unconscious that we do not see his softer side.

꧁:･ ✡ ��:꧂

AND THATS ALL! What a ride it was, I hope I was a good guide. One day I will go into the Hades boys in more depth, but for now, let this be a shortcut for everyone who is still struggling with ch5.

[zoophilic-disorder]

🌱 Welcome to my account for people like me (but really anyone).

This is a primarily positivity blog for those with zoophilia, but I will work to have education, discussion, and community as well.

If you're a zoophile and struggle with finding any sort of community outside of pro-contact/animal abuse rings, please have hope. There are resources and places for you to be okay and not worry about harming an animal. These thoughts can be violent, scary, and deeply uncomfortable and unsettling, but you will be okay, and you will not act on them.

Feel free to send requests for posts! (ie. "Can you make affirmations for zoos who..."Can you make a positivity post for zoos who are..." or anything really, as long as it's relevant).

🌱 This blog advocates for:

• destigmatization of paraphilias, primarily zoophilia.

• anti harassment against anyone.

• pro fiction- acting out fantasies and attractions in fictional settings to cope does not make you a bad person, and you are not failing at "repressing" your paraphilia.

• anti offending/contact stances for any paraphilia that's harmful to act on. there will be no posts that cater towards other stances.

• understanding that paraphilias cannot be "cured" and instead must be accepted and coped with healithy to survive.

• saving people. you should not die simply because you have a paraphilia, your life is valuable and wanted, and you are not disgusting.

🌱 About Me & Tag Key below the line...

My name is Sprout (they/them)!

I'm 21 years old, and I'm physically disabled, which may cause me to post less than I want due to flareups. I'm also wasian- I'm unsure if this will be entirely relevant here, but I'm mentioning it regardless in case discussions come up about the POC community (especially asian) when it comes to paraphiles, and the differing experiences.

And of course, I've suspected being a zoophile since I was a young child.

I've struggled with thoughts, urges, and attractions for a long time, bringing in self-harmful or otherwise self-destructive behavior. I've been riddled with guilt for simply existing and having a disorder I had no control over, one that made me absolutely miserable (and still does to an extent).

Looking for community was impossible. It felt like there were two sides- people who wanted those like me dead, and people who genuinely wanted to act on their thoughts. Both were insufferable, but I ended up choosing the side that hated zoophiles out of disgust and fear.

I also wasn't certain at the time whether what I was experienced was zOCD, or an actual zoophilic disorder. This year, 2024, is when I finally came to the understanding I do not have zOCD, it became impossible to ignore anymore. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, with nowhere to go.

I wonder if the reason the pro-beastiality side of the community got so large is because people kept running out of options and eventually gave up looking for a better one.

So I want to try and help mend that, and try to start proper support groups for those like me, who just want a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to, and comfort.

🌱 Tagging System

#🐾 discussion - talking about zoophilia in any way. I wish this was a general tag that all zoos would use so we could find each other, since any other zoo tag is entirely taken over by people who want us dead.

#🐾 help - resources and advice.

#🐾 positivity - positivity posts specifically for zoos.

#🐾 therian - posts catered towards therian with zoophilia.

#🐾 system - posts catered towards systems with zoophilia.

#🐾 sadist - posts catered towards zoosadists. (im not a zoosadist, if I spread misinformation please let me know).

-

#🍐 positivity - general posts for positivity, not aimed specifically at zoos.

#ask recieved - answering asks.

#snarling - discourse or potentially triggering discussion.

[apollos-olives]

Hi ! I know we are not mutual followers & I hope this does not come off as weird but I just wanted to say as a Palestinian youth that you have given me a lot of hope for my adult years (meaning you have made me realize I am going to live through this and that I am surrounded by people who support me) and you also just inspire me to speak my mind. And with that context being given -- here is my actual question! 😂

If you could say something to your younger self and/or if you could give your younger self advice about navigating life as a Palestinian, what would you say?

Im fairly new to tumblr and I struggle to send these questions out in fear of coming off as weird (because a lot of ppl treat these question things like vent spaces!!!) so if this does come off as rude or gross I am so sorry!!

if there was one thing i could tell my younger self, it would be to never forget. when i reached my early teens, i was still figuring out my identity and i wanted to fit in with the other americans so bad that i totally forgot about my palestinian identity. i just ignored that entire part of me in order to fit in, and it just ended up making me worse. it was just so much easier to let go and forget all the pain of who i was in order to be someone that i'm not. the only reason i snapped out of it was because one day israel attacked the west bank and i saw the news and i realized who i was and how this truly affected me, and it took me a while to remember my palestinian identity and why it's so important to be proud of who i am. since then i vowed to never forget. i will never forgive and i will never ever forget. i'm proud of who i am and i wouldn't trade it for the world. i just want palestinian youth to not be ashamed for being born the way they are, and to be proud of where they come from and be proud to be part of the resistance. that's the biggest thing i'd tell my younger self.

thank you for asking! it's not weird at all to be curious. i'm so glad i can help inspire you in some way :)

[astroels]

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

[bitchinbarzal]

you’re on your own, kid | life of stevie au! | jack hughes

summary; when Jack returns home to Michigan in the off season with his daughter but no girlfriend he has a lot of answer for

this is kinda the same vibes as the bugs world divorce au

-

When Luke arrived at the airport to pick Jack up, he assumed you would be there.

What he didn’t expect to see was Jack pushing a suitcase trolley with his baby seat balancing on top, one stone caught under the wheel away from sending Stevie flying onto the concrete.

“Dude, What the fuck are you doing!” Luke exclaimed, jumping out of the Honda and rushing to take Stevie’s carrier off the top of the suitcase pile.

“I only have two hands Luke!”

“Where’s y/n?!”

Jack hissed lowly, looking around him when he said “Well… you see”

“What happened? Tell me when we get in the car”

Luke ensured Stevie was strapped into the vehicle tightly, her seat was secure and the bags were in the trunk.

Jack went on to tell his little brother about his relationship problems, how you’d been struggling since birth and how the two of you had been constantly fighting.

That one thing led to another and you had a huge fight a couple days prior which led to you announcing you had to take a ‘break’ and now Jack was here in Michigan with Stevie alone while you were in Jersey.

“So What im hearing is… you fucked up?” Luke quirked his eyebrow at his brother and Jack sighed

“Yeah, Yeah i fucked up man” he couldn’t deny it, Nico and Dougie had said the same thing to him when he had asked the team for advice on the situation.

He was then told the same thing by his mother when he arrived home. She immediately took her granddaughter from his arms and asked where his girlfriend was to be told she wasn’t coming.

Ellen gave him the telling off of the century. She yelled at him about how he could be so careless, how he wasn’t the boy she raised and how he didn’t think about how you felt.

But Jack knew this, because he’d beaten himself up over it the week prior.

When he got up in the middle of the night and found you talking to Stevie over the baby monitor.

“You’re gonna be just fine baby girl, your mama loves you and your daddy loves you so much they just don’t love eachother so much just now”

Jack listened to you tell Stevie all about how much you guys loved her, never once saying a bad word about him. Even after he’d sat in your home and berated you for hours after you’d been crying from being too overwhelmed.

Jack was like a headless chicken. He had no idea what to do.

Whenever she cried, she screamed or needed something — he didn’t know.

His family had to sit and watch, watch him struggle because they knew they couldn’t help him he needed to learn on his own, the hard way.

That was until about a week into the trip and Stevie had been up screaming and crying. He didn’t know what to do, he was scared, she was making him stressed and he snapped at her.

She was baby, she didn’t know what he’d said all she knew was her daddy had just shouted at her and she began crying even more, now scared of the man infront of her.

Jack entered his parents bedroom and shook his mom awake, in her sleepy state she groaned until she heard him sniffle. Her eyes shot open and she asked “What’s wrong? What’s happened”

“Momma, i need help”

She took the boy into her arms and held him for a moment soothingly saying “It’s gonna be okay baby, i promise, everything will be fine”

“Where is she?” He pointed to the hallway, where Stevie was crying moments ago to find it was now silent.

Jack, panicked, stood up and rushed out to find Quinn and his wife standing with her in their arms bouncing her up and down almost asleep.

“What- How did you?”

“I call Quinn the baby whisperer, he’s always good at getting the kids down when I’m tired” his sister-in-law smiled.

Jack couldn’t help but feel guilty.

His brother was an amazing dad, he knew that and to know that he was so actively involved made him feel guilty for even suggesting to you that it was all your job to parent.

Quinn and his wife had agreed to have Stevie sleep in their room that night to allow Jack a moment to breath and collect his thoughts and feelings, get some rest.

He couldn’t sleep however, instead he was staring at his phone.

He text you.

you up?

we already had a baby you can’t booty call me… what’s up? you ok?

I’m fine just wanted to check on you.

everything’s good, how’s your fam?

good! doting on stevie, they love her.

we made a good kid what can i say!

He chuckled a little at your message before he text back.

I miss you

i miss you too

His heart was doing flips in his chest reading your message.

I’m really sorry for what happened between us, you know I didn’t think about everything you’ve gone through and I was selfish.

you shouted at her, didn’t you?

He did a look around his room, checking you weren’t in here like you’d seen him.

how’d you know???

because I did it too….

Jack couldn’t help but tear up, knowing you’d felt that helpless and alone like he had when he snapped at her and he could’ve been there to help but he chose not to. Instead, he chose to scream at you and call you names which made you feel worse.

you’re the best mom, you know that? you’re the best girlfriend and I’m a horrible person who’s so sorry for what I’ve done. we’re so lucky to have you in our lives.

i can’t wait to squeeze you both when you get back to jersey. give our girl a kiss goodnight from me.

what about me?

i mean if you can kiss yourself, pls do - from me of course

I’ll just lay the lips on you when I get back…

hmm, and if I don’t let you?

you’ve just broken my heart y/n

aha! goodnight j, love you & love ste 🤍

we love you, more than anything!

Jack was content, those few texts of playful flirting were like old times. He felt relieved.

Jack sat for a few moments still before he crept out of the bed and down the hallway to his brothers room, slipping in and grabbing his daughter from her travel cot.

Once securely back in his room without waking anyone else up he sat up against the headboard with Stevie asleep in his arms.

“God you look so cute when you sleep, just like your mom” he mumbled, pointer finger playing with her pouted out bottom lip.

“I’m gonna be here Stevie, always. Dads got you” he said, looking down at her “You’re gonna know your worth ok? You don’t let anyone speak to you like that, not the way I spoke to her… if anyone speaks to you like that i’ll beat them up because you deserve the world baby girl”

Stevie cooed, probably not in response to her dad but more in her sleep but he still smiled

Jack picked up his phone and opened it “How about we go home, eh stevie? Let’s go home and see mama. I think we need our girl”

[multiplicity-positivity]

none of my alters want to talk to me (im the host) - sometimes they stay in half control but we don't communicate - any advice?

hey, our best advice here will be to give it time. your alters may not be ready to talk to you. they may have dissociative barriers in place which are preventing them from getting in touch. for us systems with dissociative disorders, building and maintaining communication can be a process that take a lot of time, effort, and practice to master. just because your alters aren’t getting in touch with you doesn’t mean they don’t like you or don’t want to communicate. they may just be seriously struggling to forge that connection. or they may be entirely unaware that they are part of a system.

we’d definitely recommend checking out some of the posts we linked in our previous response. just breathe and try not to push yourself or your alters too hard. maybe write letters to them in the meantime - tell them about yourself and ask them about who they are. they may not reply immediately, but it’s good to at least try creating those connections even if you don’t get much of a response.

when they are in half control, whenever you notice them with you, just send them reassuring thoughts and try to get in touch with them. the more you do this, the easier it will be to do it in the future. you probably won’t notice much at first, but please keep at it! every attempt to communicate is worthwhile. building these connections really takes time and practice, so please don’t be too discouraged if nothing comes of it right away.

we hope this helps. again, best of luck to you all!

[lains-reality]

hi love, this is directed towards the anon with difficult circumstances (or maybe you as well, if you can help)

https://www.tumblr.com/lains-reality/724561014842114048/hi-im-this-anon

I realise that your blog isn’t void focused or loa focused. I apologise for sending this ask anyway. I really don’t mean to trouble you with further questions, this one will be it.

I understand non dualism and it temporarily gives me peace, gives me temporary solutions to problems that i have created (myself) over time (that seem permanent like the anon mentioned about her uni)

After i read the post, i would let my thoughts pass by and just focus on “I AM” nothing else and i would feel instant pressure around my third eye, i feel like i’m in a trance. I have done this before too because i follow infinite.ko on instagram and that page is really good if anyone wants to understand or be in the loop of non dualism on ig.

My question to the anon and i’d throw it over to you too lain, if you feel like you have any advice. I want to enter the void, i observe my thoughts pass by and i get the trance like feeling and stay there. To the anon, how did you exactly enter the void? If you don’t mind talking about in more detail as to how you did it? (or anyone reading who has tapped in before in a similar manner)

i won’t be going into my circumstances but i’ll just say every second counts and as much as i detach myself from the situation cause i know that we are all one, it only gives me a temporary solution like i mentioned earlier. I realise there’s nothing to get or desire cause we are all one but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first. I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void” and i see it, i promise you i can see how it looks for anyone reading this but any help would be so greatly appreciated.

I’d like to apologise again if this was out of line in any sense.

"I want to enter the void"

what is the void to you? a magical place? its just I AM. alone, with no conditions or labels. you are already that. you just want to realise it. so you want Self, not the void.

"I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void”"

it sounds like you already understand... if you've read this much then you get that we drop desires here right?

read this and this (this one is loa).

quick quotes from the posts:

However, people treat it as something they have to acquire on the outside, the same as they do with their desires. And that's how the desperation starts. Changing consciousness means changing your state of being. To "reach" the void you don't become desperate in trying to get somewhere, you practice being it! What people do is struggle and expect that by some miracle they'll wake up there. Did I do it right? Was I there??? Where do you expect you're going?

It's still trying from ego so instead of dissolving it, you are seeking for something to happen (like have the mind engulfed by darkness) I don't recommend imagining to be anything, not even emptiness, but instead just disbelieve in the things you see or take yourself to be. 1

the reason you're trying to get into the void is because you don't like your current life and because there are so many aspects you want to change, you're carrying the burden of changing the 3d on your shoulders. you're viewing the void state as something that will magically change and solve everything. so you're trying to get into the void so you can finally change the 3d.

the void obsession is anti-neville, anti-law, anti-mental health, anti-well being, anti-manifesting, anti-everything.

ngl i really hate the void, people are so obsessive over it and it focuses on the wrong thing.

also

"but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first"

why can't you be happy now? why can't you see whats okay now? why can't you allow yourself some peace through the day now? why are you postponing your own life, happiness and peace for something you may or may not get? you already don't see yourself as the void already so.. you're not losing anything if you stopped striving for the void.

theres ONLY NOW. not later. you can only experience now. why stop yourself feeling a little better NOW?

the desire is not gonna do anything. you can absolutely get everything and then still end up depressed later. you get a high with the desire, and then when everything settles, you go back to being yourself (an ego, if you don't id as Self) and then there'll be more problems to fix. because the ego only wants to fix, consume, try, do etc even to the detriment of itself. all the non-dual bloggers are telling you 'be free of that!'

i've asked before.. do you want to be free or do you want the desire? do you want the truth, or do you want the desires?

things come into the "3d" to die.