#self-hatred mention

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

[imaybe5tupid]

Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)

Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.

[townslore]

this is so fucking funny to me

[deimosatellite]

god the chapter where alyosha overhears pavel playing the guitar on a date is actually so fucking good because we get to see one of the very scarce times that pavel isnt putting on his usual act around his brothers/father but instead him in The Wild where he takes a girl out to the garden to play guitar for her and alyosha just eavesdrops. to pavel playing guitar and singing and then immediately insulting the girl hes trying to flirt with and then talking about how much he wants to die. hes a karamazov just like the rest of them god bless

[jawz]

i saw the tv glow is legitimately one of the stupidest, most tryhard movies i've ever seen in my entire life. absolute dogshit. and everyone is pretending it's the most lifechanging thing they've ever seen LOL give me a break! the gall to claim this is inspired by fucking DAVID LYNCH??? i can't

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,794 Words

Summary: The solar eclipse after Solar's death has an energy to it.

Warnings: Character Death, Caps, Cursing, Overworking, Self-Hatred (from Moon, of course), Sleep Deprivation, Blood (minor), Minor Injury, Ghost, Magic, Mind Meld, Soul Bond, Sharing A Body/Brain, Pain, Nausea, let me know if I should add anything else.

Binding And Bonding

Solar woke up in an abyss. Everything around him was darkness. He could see a vague ring of light around him, lighting up the rest of his surroundings decently well. He could vaguely hear something being said into the void around him in a vaguely familiar voice but he was knocked out before he could acknowledge the voice.

-Two And A Half Weeks Earlier-

"I don't wanna go…" Solar muttered, body deteriorating and slowly disintegrating as it collapsed to the floor like his dimension likely was. Moon was quick to grab him and try to keep him steady but it wasn't any use given he couldn't feel his legs anymore.

"You don't have to!" Moon insisted, holding Solar as close as he could, Solar feeling Moon's hands slip through him as he could feel himself fading into an abyss.

"Solar? SOLAR!" Solar could vaguely hear Moon screaming as he went into a void.

-A Week Later-

"Moon, you're pushing yourself. You aren't charging or resting." Eclipse finally broke and snapped at him.

"Maybe I would if I hadn't fucked everything up!" Moon screamed back at him, too stressed to not scream at the inconveniences anymore, too focused on getting Solar back now.

"Moon, you're at a max of five percent." Eclipse reminded him.

"I'll charge when my brother is back." Moon growled venomously, eyes turning to glare that Eclipse dare interrupt him but Eclipse had gotten used to Moon being like this fairly quickly. Eclipse knew Moon would inevitably run himself down and then Eclipse could carry Moon off to bed.

Thankfully, Eclipse got that opportunity sooner rather than later as Moon stumbled and his hand hit a tray, knocking it to the floor with Moon collapsing to the floor as well a few seconds later.

Eclipse went and finally was able to scoop the poor sap up and groan at how heavy Moon was, muttering complaints about how much Moon weighed as he kicked the door to Parts & Service open for him since he was busy carrying Moon.

"You." Ruin caught Eclipse's attention before Eclipse was able to leave.

"Yeah, what about me? Want me to come in there and kill you finally?" Eclipse asked.

"No, actually. I would like you to forget Protocol 87.775.2, actually." Ruin told him and Eclipse tilted his head in question, not really knowing what Ruin was talking about.

"Forget about what?" Eclipse asked.

"Exactly! Good job! Thank you! Be on your way now!" Ruin cheerily told him and Eclipse shook his head and carried Moon up to the daycare and through the portal to the house, sighing seeing Sun's cats practically waiting for Moon, though they hissed as if they hated him anyway, but Eclipse knew the little cretins were pretending they hated Moon.

Eclipse laid Moon on the couch and put a blanket over him for the cats to crawl on top of and purr now that they knew Moon was sleeping. Eclipse chuckled at the little gremlins. They sure loved their uncle, they were purring on his unconscious body.

Eclipse plugged Moon's charging wire into the wall outlet near the couch and left to go figure out what the hell Ruin was talking about, landing at the daycare computer inevitably. It seemed the computer knew everything anyway so he may as well try.

"Nice attempt, but you are not a member of the Celestial Family." The computer told him.

"Nice joke, I actually am. But I came for answers." Eclipse told the machine.

"Whyever would I give you answers?" The computer asked.

"Ruin mentioned a protocol in me, basically asking me to delete it but I don't know what he was talking about. I will let you scan my code if you look for Protocol 87.775.2." Eclipse told the computer.

"…I will agree to these conditions, only because it may serve well for Moon." The computer agreed. Eclipse plugged himself into the computer for it to scan him and just sat back waiting, all he could do was wait. The computer was doing two things at once and it was taking a while.

Eclipse ended up falling asleep for a bit in the computer chair while the computer did its thing. However, the computer also decided to be an alarm for Eclipse as it woke him up with a loud bussing noise through his circuits.

"HEY!" Eclipse jolted awake, pulling out the cord and thoroughly startled by the computer.

"Ah, good, awake. I have found Protocol 87.775.2 as well as scanned your code." The computer told him.

"And you wake me up like your about to try giving me a controlled shock?" Eclipse snapped.

"Yes, I found it amusing." The computer would've laughed if it could, Eclipse could tell.

"Fine, what is the protocol about?" Eclipse asked.

"This protocol entails a means to what Moon has been working on. A way to undo what has been done." Eclipse scoffed at that.

"So that's why he wanted me to get rid of it. I haven't been alone in a room so he couldn't give me an order to try to get me to delete it until today." Eclipse muttered.

"Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult as it works with the essence of an energy." The computer told him.

"Tell me what I have to do."

-One Week & Four Days Later-

Eclipse walked into the room Solar had died in. He had finally made good on getting everything else ready and Sun and Moon were out with Earth and Lunar, watching the solar eclipse on the roof of the PizzaPlex.

Eclipse had chalk, blood, and a dagger. He hated this, it felt so weird. It felt so awkward to probably be the first person Solar sees when he comes back.

"Solar?" Eclipse calls to whatever remained of Solar's energy, which he had attuned himself to over the last week and a half.

"Solar." Eclipse called to Solar again, sitting down in front of where Solar died. He could feel the energy around him swirling as though Solar was trying to tell him he was there still.

"There you are." Eclipse closed his eyes, holding the chalk and drew a circle of runes with his eyes closed, following the images of runes the protocol was feeding him on the back of his eyelids. The circle was around Eclipse himself and the spot Solar died in, interlocking them.

"Solar, I can feel you. God that sounds weird." Eclipse muttered the last half. The energy jolted like it was laughing at him. "Yeah, laugh it up, idiot. Sit with me." Eclipse sighed. He could vaguely see the outline of Solar's energy sit with him.

"Thank you." Eclipse muttered, knowing he had to thank Solar. He hated that he had to. Eclipse cringed as he poured the blood on the inner ring of the rune circle, watching outside as the sky began to go dark.

"I willingly open this connection for Solar." Eclipse stated as the protocol had, cutting open his right hand with the dagger in his left dominant hand. Eclipse could see that the whisp in his vision that was Solar's energy was interested.

"Hold my hand, Solar and only Solar." Eclipse told the energy. The energy seemed to hold his hand and Eclipse sighed at the feeling, relieved Solar was just listening to him, probably out of curiosity rather than genuine willingness.

"I connect what is mine to what is yours. Wire for wire, energy for energy. I share willingly what is mine with you." Eclipse spoke evenly, making sure to read word for word.

"This day is a connection." Eclipse felt the rune light up with light, blazing as the room went completely dark. "I bind us. Mine is yours. under this light, we become connected." Eclipse lost his breath after these words of the spell, making him choke a bit as he could feel Solar's energy binding to his own, coughing to get air as he could feel his mind breaking in half, body feeling aches and pains as Solar's energy was bonding to him.

Eclipse lurched forward, nauseous as he felt Solar's AI blooming into his head, using the broken-off half of Eclipse's mind, their mind? Eclipse didn't know but he was nauseous. Animatronics weren't supposed to get nauseous. He leaned with his hands on the ground, hearing someone screaming. Was that him? Was he screaming? He still had to say the final words and get Solar to say them too.

Eclipse reached his energy into his mind, making Solar take half control with him, each having control of one half of their? body. Eclipse fed the final words into their vision to make Solar say it with him. Once Solar nodded using their head Eclipse nodded back.

"We claim the energy of the solar eclipse given to us." Both of their voices echoed and the pitch-black void of the room glowed with a peace around them, the white ring around them calmly pulsing with their energies. Eclipse finally felt a peace now as he curled up on the ground, trembling with everything that had happened, too overwhelmed to move but he had to finish it. He had to finish this. He fed to Solar in their optics the final step and words.

Solar was the one to drag their body upright again. Eclipse was shivering, Solar was shivering. The room felt cold. Everything felt cold. Solar seemed to have more force than Eclipse, Solar was learning how to share their energy.

"We undo the damage that has been done through false trust." They made sure to echo each other and Eclipse felt a bloom in his chest of the energy they claimed from the solar eclipse above in the sky still, the ring around them, practically burst into a running visual of universes coming back into being, rebuilding themselves, lives being brought back immediately, everything blooming around them in the circle of light like flowers.

Eclipse gave a soft, exhausted chuckle seeing it and seeing the sky begin to get light again. Once the ring around them finished, the warm feeling slowly dissipated and Eclipse and Solar simply collapsed onto the ground, shaking and taking deep breaths.

"Thank you." Solar whispered.

"I know." Eclipse tried to laugh but all that came out was a wheeze.

"Are you okay?" Solar asked.

"I'm exhausted." Eclipse whispered back.

"Well, you gave up your magic to bring everything back, you're probably going to be exhausted for a while." Solar sighed.

"I expect Moon to thank me, you tell him that if you wake up first." Eclipse told Solar before letting himself ease into unconsciousness, giving Solar control for a brief moment before Solar fell asleep too from being brought back and losing a lot of energy himself.

[canadiannationalfox]

Murder Drones Fanfic - Dove Feathers

tw// disordered eating, unhealthy weight loss, self hatred, depression, abusive parents, illness

Another day working at the Elliott Manor, it was pretty normal as of late for the little maid drone known simply as J. Every day was usually the same. Wake up her dearest friend Tessa, lay out Tessa's clothes, make sure Tessa made it to studies on time, bring Tessa some mid-morning tea, some tidying in the manor, bring Tessa back to her room from studies and then keep Tessa entertained until dinner time, and then the nightly routines.

Lately, N had been having some minor programming issues, so J had to pick up the slack on his work load.

"Fucking hell, it's almost like I have to do a lot of the workload myself," J groaned as she brought up some fresh dresses for Tessa to wear while on wakeup call for the beloved human girl.

J smiled a little thinking about her favourite human. The maid drone might have been stern, stoic, and grumpy, but around Tessa she didn't feel those emotions as much. She felt happy to help, more receptive to feed back from the girl, and looking for loopholes so they could make the best of the situation. The platinum haired drone blissfully, with a skip in her step, strolled down the hallway, thinking about part of a story Tessa had to study.

"The lovely gift of finding a strand of your beloved's long hair is like finding a feather left behind by an angel," J thought, not thinking too much at first, but recalled that in the last couple days of cleaning Tessa's bedroom, she was finding a bit more than usual of the cool-dark strands about. "Dove feathers," J joked to herself as she got closer to Tessa's bedroom door, but stopped upon hearing the soft sobs of the 11 year old girl.

J gently pushed the door open of the room, and as soon as Tessa heard the sound of the door, she stuffed something into her left night table drawer and put on a mourning veil, the dark heavier-tulle draped however over the back of Tessa's head instead of her face.

Tessa wiped her eyes and smiled happily to J. "Good Morning, Jaybird," Tessa greeted, trying to sound cheerful.

The maid drone approached Tessa and greeted, "Good Morning, little princess," before seeing Tessa's sparkling grey eyes fight back teardrops, "What's wrong?"

"I'm 'right, Jaybird... honest," the girl with the big dark blue bow insisted, finally able to push her sad feelings away. She was about to speak when her stomach grumbled.

"Sounds like you could use something to eat," J chuckled, smiling happily until she saw the 11-year-old girl's expression of sorrow.

"Just tea today, J, I'm not that hungry."

J stood in waiting, worry filled her core, standing by for Tessa asking for assistance.

The Elliott Heiress stepped behind her changing screen with a dress and was changing. "I don't need to eat, I'm..." she stopped explaining in a somber tone before trying to sound more cheery, "Pretending to be a drone today, I don't need to eat anything, just a spot of coolant or oil will do."

J, upon being called by Tessa, began walking over to the screen, seeing a lot more 'dove feathers' than before, in a trail, even a bigger group of strands, this was worrying.

"Could you synch the back for me, Jaybird? My dress is a little loose."

The platinum haired maid began to comply, helping tighten the ribbon at the waist. "You really like your mourning veil from the mausoleum, huh, Tessa?" J assessed politely, trying to make conversation.

"Oh, y-yeah, thank you," Tessa replied trying to sound cheerful, but her voice was a bit sad, "It helps me feel better about things."

J offered politely once she made sure the bow at the back of Tessa's dress was secured and tied, as over the last little while Tessa had been rescinding the offer, "I haven't been on night-time brush duty for a while, Tessa, are you doing alright on your own or do you want some-" stopped before she could even finish the sentence.

"NO!" Tessa yelped in fright while jumping back a little, realizing who she was talking to. "I'm sorry, J... but, no thank you. Sorry I got scared." Despite needing a hug badly, Tessa had to go downstairs to the dining hall since it was too rainy for the family to enjoy breakfast in the sunroom.

J stayed back, deciding to help clean up in Tessa's room, but also as a way of sleuthing. The drone kept cleaning up around the room, little stray pieces of wire, some screws, some slags from a soldering gun. And a lot more cool-black hairs.

J approached Tessa's vanity desk, where there was a lot more broken strands laying about. She opened a drawer to find Tess' hairbrush and she felt her LED eyes go into the ring mode.

There was clumps of frail black hair stuck to the brush.

The maid looked more closely at the hairs, assessing the ends. Having been the drone that helped Tessa when collecting for wigs and sewing them, she knew what a point cut or blunt cut or even the drag marks of a razor comb looked like when Tessa borrowed them from her dad when she couldn't find the sewing scissors. But it was clear that this was breakage, the ends were frayed and straw-like.

J went to find N who was in the library working close to the drone Tessa affectionately called "Vivianna" when she was younger.

The cheery little butler was trying out his recently repaired wrist nodes in helping put away the books Louisa had read the night before. V was working diligently to take out all the books Tessa would need for her tutoring for the day.

J approached N and bonked him on the back of the head. "Hey, Insipid Intern!" she greeted in an aggressive tone, "Why didn't you tell me about Tessa."

N turned his attention to where the slap came from, almost turning his head most of the way around like an owl, trilling with a happy voice, "Oh, Hi J! I don't know what you mean."

The pigtailed drone held up a clump of black hair and ordered with a snarl, "The fact Tessa's shedding hair like a border collie in the summer!" she put her hands on her hips, still holding the scraggled cluster of strands, "That and the fact she's not eating. So spill the tea or I'll spill some tea on you."

N blinked his bright alabaster LED eyes in confusion, still smiling in bemusement.

The maid with her grey hair done back in a low bun, knew some intel and spoke up, "Louisa has been trying to get Tessa to cut back on caloric intake," she adjusted her glasses and said in a matter-of-fact tone, "It's likely in an attempt at keeping Tessa thinner, despite the fact that a growing girl needs nutrients and calories to grow."

"That still doesn't explain the hair loss."

V went over to a medical book of symptoms for kids and opened it up, reading aloud to try to be helpful, "Hair loss, can be caused by lack of proper nutrition, stress, certain medical treatments, over exposure to chemicals, or ailments." She closed the book and stated with a half smile, "Hope that gives some insight, boss."

J turned her attention back to N. "N, I don't like you but I'm going to need you to be a mule for me."

The happy little snowy-haired butler giggled happily before responding joyfully, "I like doing anything."

J commanded, "I want you later when you're in the kitchen to go into the pantry and get me some protein bars and some dried fruits. Hide them under your helmet so when you do go up to Tessa later you can give her something to eat."

"Is there anything you want me to help with?" V asked curiously, standing at attention but smiling in a hopeful manner, "Mrs Elliott is sending me on a pharmacy run."

"You're going to have to buy a bottle of children's chewable vitamins for Tessa. We need to do absolutely everything to get her healthy again without arousing suspicions from Mrs Elliott, who is likely monitoring Tessa's figure."

The two drones nodded, accepting their tasks.

N asked curiously as he tilted his head like a dog, "But what about you, J? What's your mission?"

"I'm going to be Tessa's emotional support and try to coax her back before she starts having an ED like her mother."

After Tessa was done her studies, she was feeling really light-headed. The poor girl had trouble focusing at all to the tutor's lesson. She grabbed an umbrella to go outside despite it still raining.

The Elliott girl was about to take a step when she started to lose her balance, when suddenly she fell into the arms of a drone. She smiled as she heard the voice behind her.

"Oops there, don't want you falling down, Tessa."

"Th-thank you, Jaybird," Tessa spoke somberly as she was helped to stand upright again, "You didn't have to, I would've been alright."

J worriedly asked, "Why are you going out?" she talked in front of Tessa and held her hands soothingly, "You're not feeling well and you could catch cold if you go out in the rain."

Tessa shrugged it off with a smile. "Oh, it's no issue, J, honest."

"Princess, I need you to listen to me," J ordered firmly, "I can't risk you getting more sick."

Tessa got really upset now, her temper flared like a firecracker due to her being more ravenous than a dingo in a bakery's dumpster. Tessa's heart stung, the adoring little pet name was now an insult. "Don't call me that, and maybe there's a reason I want to go outside, J. Why are you controlling me?"

"What's wrong with calling you a princess, Tessa? Princesses are strong and brave. They lead with kindness and endure perils that no little girl should ever have to live through."

"PRINCESSES ARE ALSO BEAUTIFUL!" Tessa screamed back, her eyes welling up with tears as she took off her veil, showing the tattered wreck a-top her head, all uneven from breakage. Tessa sank to the floor, holding her self in a hug and crying. "How can I be a princess when I'm not thin enough and probably going to go bald as an egg? I'm just a mistake. A stupid, ugly, worthless mistake."

J sat on the ground next to Tessa and held the crying girl tightly. "Shhh, hey... We can get through this together,"

Tessa's hands shook as she held them out to look at them. "I'm so hungry that I screamed at you, but if I eat then I'll get in trouble, it's not fair. It's not fair, J, it's not fair. I just wanted to go to the raspberry plant by the graveyard so I could eat something."

J hugged Tessa from the side still, being reassuring and gentle as she spoke. "I know you're scared, but where is your Mother right now?"

"She's with Father right now, drinking wine in the bar area," Tessa answered as she wiped her tears, "Wh-why?"

J stood up, putting Tessa onto her shoulders like when the girl was much younger. "Well if that's the case, we're getting you to the kitchen, we're going to give you something to eat." She asked curiously as she started to walk along, Tessa hanging onto the top of the maid drone's head, "How little have you been eating?"

"I had some salted cucumber for breakfast and a single piece of toast with jam."

"Okay, that's good, that means Refeeding Syndrome won't be too big of a factor."

"Wait, what?" Tessa asked, as J brought her to the kitchen, "Have you been reading my medical books?"

"Somewhat," J replied, helping Tessa down off her shoulders before she went to the large industrial sized fridge, "What are you fixing for then, Tessa?"

"Strawberries... lots, please!" the ebony haired girl pleaded enthusiastically.

J brought Tessa a bowl of grapes, strawberries, and an apricot. "I know you want lots, but you don't want to shock your body and make yourself sick by over eating," the maid instructed caringly as she placed her hands on Tessa's left hand, "remember, small steps, Tess," she let go of her favourite human's hand to let her have the healthy snack.

Tessa still ravenously ate all the fresh fruit she was given, feeling a lot better once she had eaten. "I needed that, thank you Jaybird. I'm sorry I screamed at you."

"Hey, you had to get it out of your system. I get mad at other drones all the time when they get on my nerves," the wise words of the drone managed to make the human she adored giggle, J's most favourite sound in the world.

"C-could you maybe still call me a little princess, though? I... I still want to be called that, even if I don't feel that pretty."

Without missing a beat, J replied cheerfully, "Who said you're not pretty, princess?"

Tessa's eyes welled up and she hugged J tightly. "Thank you!"

"Remember, it's like that fairytale about the ogre princess, it's not about what's on the outside but about what's on the inside."

V came up to Tessa's room later, having snuck in the pocket of her dress the vitamins she had bought secretively at the pharmacy, she knocked on the door, and was happy to hear Tessa's voice sounding cheerful.

"Come in!"

The bespectacled maid drone opened the door to see J putting some very light weight bows on two braids of long hair at the back of Tessa's head. V came in and said cheerfully, "Oh! Miss Tessa, you look different."

Tessa giggled as she held up the stolen razor comb, "I'm trying out a new look!" she didn't want to admit what was going on, and she was in better spirits now, not realizing V knew. "Look, it's long at some parts and shorter in the back!" the girl trilled, showing off her black hair that was shoulder length at the back but much longer closer to the front. "It'll be a lot easier to care for."

J laughed cheerfully as she patted the 11-year-old human girl on the back, "Tessa's so talented and clever."

V gave Tessa the bottle of vitamins and responded while playing a little dumb, "I was sent down to the pharmacy to get some things and I saw these and thought you'd like them. They look like candy and are labelled as berry flavoured."

"Oh, silly, Vee!" the girl with the bows in her hair giggled, "These are vitamins! Not candy! But, I will still enjoy them!"

V went on her way, feeling happy she could sneakily help her friends' favourite human.

Once again it was just Tessa and J after V had left and N had dropped off some snacks that Tessa could hide in one of the decorative vintage jars she liked to collect.

Tessa took one of the vitamins and smiled happily to J, once she was done eating it, she giggled happily, "I guess you had a lot planned for helping save me, Jaybird."

J responded joyfully, glad to hear the joyfulness returned to her beloved's voice, "Anything for my little princess."

The Elliott heiress sat with her back straight and her head held high, because despite the set back and the lost dove feathers, she was once again soaring emotionally thanks to her Jaybird helping her, which after a few more weeks, Tessa was a lot healthier, helping carry her through until her Father put an end to the restrictive diet on his daughter.

The End

[creativename87]

orv spoilers!!!

ok guys. guys. why aren't we spending every single fucking moment of our lives talking about the oldest dream & kim dokja scene?? like hello??? i'm not even talking about when kdj tries to stab himself no no i'm talking about the few, small moment leading up to that, when it's just them, staring at each other.

it's such an gut wrenching powerful scene in my opinion. like like like oh my god. so much has happened. and yet, and yet to them it's still about the same webnovel. kim dokja has aged thirteen years since he was this kid, but as he steps forward they still are both just kim dokja.

They both remember the cold rush of air when they leapt from their school balcony. They both remember the breathless laugh before they did it. They probably both remember the way it reminded them of when they were five, getting thrown into the air by their mother, her face not yet wrinkled with regret. They remember the way it burned as they hit the cold pavement and as blood seeped into the concrete. the way that whole thing was nothing more than a reminder that this time there was no one left to catch them.

They remember the flashes of cameras and they both remember typing three tiny words into the hospital computer.

They are both kim dokja: One is just the past and the other is the future.

They stare at each other when by all definitions they shouldn't be allowed to exist close to other. Kim Dokja hates him, he hates himself and he hates his past. and the oldest dream wishes he were him he wishes he could be someone stronger ,someone better, and that's why our kim dokja exists. They are trapped in this circle of resentment and remorse.

His companions stare, registering the scene in front of them. what this means. and it's this heartbreaking sort of realization that the god they came here to fight is not just a child, but the past of their leader. this world that has bruised them and hurt them and killed those they loved, was caused by one of the ones they loved.

And then the oldest dream( he's just a fifteen-year-old kid. he doesn't even have a drivers license yet. he doesn't know anything in this world except for pain and the rush of joy that comes with another chapter) opens his mouth. He stares at his future. A future he has created for himself. and he whispers, in a slow voice, his face twisting

"M-monster…"

[uncanny-tranny]

The biggest saving grace I feel I've done is to get into death positivity, to learn to appreciate death. It's definitely not going to help for many, but I have found that not stigmatizing my own interest and desire for death has greatly helped. Being able to interact with death not as a punishment, but as a way to express humanity has been truly what has made me feel more human. I no longer want to feel ashamed of this aspect of myself, and it's made me want to live. Death has done unto me life.

[sunderingstars]

just played through divergent universe a few times & i am going FERAL over the masked fools boundary equation + jester of anatta (nihility x elation). might have to put the rest of the sampo analyses on hold to write this 😩

[duckapus]

So in the Self-Help Hotline AU I'm starting with just seven Ashes, eight when you include the central Ash who's just starting out. I'll probably add a few at certain milestones (definitely when he goes to a new region (including the Orange Islands that totally counts) possibly after movies and similar Big Legendary-Related Disasters but I'm undecided there). Arceus gave them all nicknames because otherwise it'd start with the chat filled with nothing but "Ash Ketchum" and it'd be impossible to tell who's talking.

Mini-Me: The central Ash who just got a Pikachu who hates him but is technically giving him a chance (you really think he couldn't have just ran away whenever, even during the fishing line bit?) and left Palette Town on the Pokemon Journey of a lifetime. An arrogant, overconfident little dumbass elementary-schooler with a heart of gold who constantly switches between having an ego nearly as big as Gary's and having no self-esteem whatsoever with no in-between.

O.G.A. / TheLlamasErrandBoy: The Ash from the end of the main timeline (or at least a timeline so extremely close to it that it's functionally the main timeline), with all the character development and Trauma that entails. Arceus gave him Admin Privileges and Dipped after explaining what the chat was made for so he's allowed to change nicknames and immediately abuses that power to roast The Original One Itself.

QueenOfTheWorld: Ashley Ketchum. She had a few Realizations during the stuff in Celadon so she's transfem. Her Journey had the fewest differences from the Main Timeline of the six AU Ashes since being a girl didn't change that much about her life.

L.G.M.: The version from my Invader Ash AU. By now he's aware that his mission wasn't what he thought it was and is fine with being Earth's hero instead of its ruler. He's still morally a very dark grey and kind of crazy though. He is still an Irken and still loyal to the Empire (particularly Tallest Delia) after all.

Aaron Jr: an Ash from a world where the Aura Guardians never faded into obscurity and he received formal training from a young age. Insists that he doesn't count as a child soldier since he stumbled across disasters on his journey for Chosen One Reasons just like the other Ashes did rather than the Order deliberately sending him to solve those problems. Actually the fact that this literal child keeps ending up in so much danger despite their best efforts is one of the Order's biggest headaches. The fact that he's so good at dealing with it (and is one of the most powerful Guardians in decades) only eases their worries a little.

Spooky: A version of Ash who succumbed to the injuries and exhaustion he sustained during the Spearow chase and became a Misdreavus due to a hasty halfway-too-late resurrection attempt from Ho-Oh. He's currently a Mismagius, a master illusionist, the World Monarch just like most of the other Ashes, and has long since come to terms with his death and species change. He does still have a vengeful hatred (and slight fear) of the Spearow line, but can you really blame him?

MyJobIsBeach: An Ash who stayed in Alola to help fully establish the League after becoming the Champion. He did technically go through the plot of Journeys but instead of being a research assistant he just kept running into Goh and Chloe while working his way through the World Coronation Series. He is still friends with them but not quite as close as in most timelines.

DoTheMario!: An Ash who's somewhat more familiar with the Multiverse than the others because his world is permanently linked with a version of the Mushroom Kingdom following a recent adventure. As in, he just finished dealing with the related Big Disaster and stabilizing the connection (since for Complicated Space-Time-Continuum-Could-Get-Torn-Apart reasons they couldn't sever the connection) a couple weeks before the chat got made. Since the point of divergence was so recent (and post-series) he's the second closest to the Main Timeline out of the starting lineup after Ashley.

[cupcakes-and-pain]

Charles & Ollie: Past

Hey guys. Um. It’s been a while since I’ve written. Sorry. Anyway! I really love this piece. It’s also much longer than most chapters I write, I’m pretty sure. Almost 2.8k words. So that’s fun.

Enjoy!

CW: pet whump, slave whump, refusing to use someone’s name, insults, perceived abandonment (technically not real), fear of punishment, self hatred, unreliable narrator, drug trafficking, drugging mention, police, starvation, escape/running away, homelessness, fear of death

Masterlist

— — —

It had been a normal day.

Wake up, make breakfast for Master, kneel quietly, and hope that he did well. Hope that he wouldn't have to spend the next few days tied up, bleeding, and starving in the basement. It was always his fault for being so stupid and deserving to be punished, but he could hope. Not want, of course, that'd never be allowed. But he could secretly wish and dream for a time when Master was forgiving.

Luckily, Master didn't find anything wrong with his pet's behavior that morning, so he set out. But not before giving his slave a strong kick to the ribs to keep him in his place. Pet preferred the kicks, the other choice for a daily reminder was a slap. Pet hated the hand marks. They made his already hideous face look even more ugly.

Pet set about his chores, washing the dishes and wiping the counter. He caught his blurred reflection in the polished granite. His collar was tight around his neck, the little tag hanging from it jingling.

He touched it gently, longing to hear his Master say the name written on it, just once. He knew that he needed the reminders because he was so stupid and useless. He'd forget his place if he wasn't called names all day. "Slave. Pet. Stupid. Ugly. Mutt. Useless. Fleabag. Bitch. Dog." On and on, all the cruelest things Master and his friends could think of, perfectly suiting for the crushed and bleeding thing that so often laid at their feet.

But Pet longed to hear his name, his real name, so badly. It had been so long, he knew it was bad, he knew he was selfish and worthless and dumb. But... no one would know, right? If he said it, just this once? Such a tiny word, only two syllables.

"Ol-"

The door flung open, and Pet jumped back, arms above his head. It was like the ground crumbled beneath his feet, and his stomach dropped. He fell to the floor, curled up, trying desperately to protect his most vital organs from attack. Had Master been waiting for this? He knew that his slave would mess up, didn't he? And he was just waiting to beat the living daylights out of the useless, worthless, disgusting piece of flesh that he owned.

"Hey, no, stupid dog. Come here." Master hauled him up off his feet and dragged him towards the basement. Pet whimpered but was in awe that Master was able to hold his fury in until they got to the basement. Usually, he'd just beat Pet wherever he was and make him clean up the blood from the floor and carpeting later.

"M-master, please, I-"

"Shush. You know what, hide! I'll be back in a few days. Some guys might come through, maybe a cop or two. Listen to me, you pathetic excuse for a dog." Master grabbed Pet's face roughly, fingernails digging into his cheeks. He was forcing Pet to look into his eyes, something that was rarely allowed. But it must be okay this time if Master was the one causing it.

"You have to understand.” Master said, “Do. Not. Come. Out. For. Anyone. However you need to do it, just get it through your thick skull. Don't stop hiding until I come back and say it's okay to leave, okay?" Master half-heartedly threw him to the floor, his slave more confused than he had ever been or probably ever would be. With one last disapproving glare, Master left.

Pet never saw him again.

- - -

It was true, he soon learned, that many people would be coming through the house. Pet feared he would feel lonely and bored while waiting, but there was a lot to keep his thoughts occupied and off of... other things.

First, cops searched the entire building. Pet heard them and dashed to a tiny closet in the basement, wedging a piece of wood in the handle on his side of the door. The police tried and failed to get in and even discussed cutting it open with an ax. Pet trembled, sweat dripping off his forehead while he tried to stop himself from hyperventilating.

Eventually, though, one of them protested, not wanting to do more work when they already had evidence. And so they left, making the house silent and (somewhat) stress-free once more.

Other people came and went too, talking and cursing. Most of them Pet recognized as the voices of Master's friends. He knew better than to listen to people's conversations, but they all kept mentioning drugs and pills, the type that had once been used on Pet. He remembered the experience, although things were still a little fuzzy.

It made his head hurt for days afterward, but at the moment, everything had felt so nice and peaceful for a few minutes before the blackout. When he woke up, he was covered in bruises and cuts, but it had still taken a few minutes for the relaxation to wear off and the pain to settle in.

Master had gotten very upset that his friends wasted the pills on a pet, after "everything he went through to get them." Despite already being beaten just an hour ago, Pet was punished severely for taking the pills. He had wanted to protest that the men had made him, but he knew better. The men were superior to him. They couldn't be faulted for it. So the blame must lie with Pet. It must. Master was never wrong.

In the present day, after many days of hunger and freezing nights down in the basement, Pet felt like he couldn't go on like this. No one had visited in a while. He knew what he was thinking about was bad. He knew that if Master found out what he was about to do, he'd be furious. He made it absolutely clear that his pet was not to leave the basement.

And yet, Pet finds himself sneaking up to the kitchen. He filled two bags with dog food and then, with some careful consideration, took three apples. Master never liked fruit but would still buy it; Pet was never quite sure of the reasoning behind that. And Pet had already been so bad, a few apples that would've rotted away even if Master had been there was nothing.

Pet then made his way to the living room and took several blankets and pillows. Then, noticing the mail had been delivered, he also took the newest copy of Pet Paper. Most of the articles either were boring or scared him, but they usually had fun pictures and a few games.

Carrying all of his loot and feeling surprisingly okay for a disobedient mutt who may have been abandoned, Pet made a little camp for himself in the basement. He decided to put the pillows and blankets in the closet where he had previously hidden from cops. The tiny space felt almost like his cage upstairs and he knew now that it was suitable for hiding.

Then he sat on the floor, grabbed a handful of dog food to munch on, and started reading.

Several more days passed before Pet started to get incredibly worried. He had heard the garbage truck pass by this morning. That was the second time since he had last seen Master. More than two weeks had gone by and still, no sign of where he had gone. What was previously just another anxious thought had transformed itself into a legitimate concern. Had Pet been abandoned?

Of course, it didn't make any sense. Why would Master leave everything just to get away from his pet?

But he couldn't deny that something was wrong. Even Master's friends had stopped visiting too. He didn't get it. Of course, he was so stupid, he could never understand why humans do the things they do. But he just couldn't think of any other explanation. So Master must've abandoned him.

Pet waited another week before finally deciding to leave. The dog food was running out, even after he had made several more disobedient trips upstairs. And if Pet had been thrown away, shouldn't he get out of his Master's house? Maybe Master was waiting until he left to come back to the house. Pet was probably being bad for staying there for so long. He was so selfish, not wanting to leave the comfort of the building for the scary outside world.

But he had to now. At least there would be food outside. And also cruel people, the cold, sickness, and probably death. But a bad pet like him deserved all of that, surely. He was such a rotten animal.

Pet's first steps outside were cautious and weak. He nearly stumbled from the sheer shock of it all.

He had done it. Ollie had done it. He couldn't believe this... this... this whole new world.

but it wasn't new, not really. It wasn't new at all. He just hadn't been here in a very long time, if ever.

He felt like he had stepped into a fantasy world after only hearing of it in fairytales. The outside world, the land beyond the kitchen window, was never allowed to him before. It might as well be something that only existed in legend.

- - -

Ollie sat huddled under the bridge, violently shivering. He hadn't eaten in two, maybe three days? He didn't know.

He was cold, wet, tired, and starving. He deserved all of it for leaving his Master's house. He should've accepted his fate and died there.

He was horrible.

- - -

Earlier in the day, Ollie had run away from some police. It was only because he was so small and capable of hiding that he got away. His muscles were very weak as of late, so he could've been easily caught. He'll have to be more careful next time.

But now, because of all the distance he had worked hard to put between him and the officers, Ollie had found himself in an entirely new area.

It was late at night, so restaurants had probably thrown out their leftovers already. If only he could find a place and dumpster dive for spare food.

As he wandered, he spied yet another cop. He was so frightened that he ran into the first available hiding place he saw: a bright, bustling building. He hadn't been thinking. He was so stupid. He dashed in and joined the crowds, trying to hide himself in the large group.

When someone first noticed him, in his dirty, smelly, roughed-up state with no shoes, she shrieked and backed up so fast she bumped into a man, who fell on a waiter, who spilled two glasses of wine they had been carrying.

Soon enough, everyone was in a great commotion, trying to get away from Ollie and call security.

The pet began to cry, overwhelmed and tired and hungry and not at all wanting to deal with this. He was sorry, he was, and he would do whatever they wanted to make up for it. Just please don't hand him over to the police. Please. He didn't know what they'd do to him, and he wasn't eager to find out.

The guards approached Ollie and he fled, going deeper into the crowd, until he tripped over his own feet and fell. He curled up and lay trembling on the floor, sobbing and so terrified.

He heard a bunch of people shuffle and he looked up to see the crowd part as a man walked through, headed straight for Ollie. This man didn't look like a security guard but rather was dressed in an expensive suit and had a stern, irritated expression.

When the man saw Ollie, however, his expression changed a bit. Ollie didn't know how to describe it, having never been looked at with such a visage. But it seemed less upset than the previous one, so that might be a plus? Maybe? Maybe this man won't kick Ollie as hard as he could, or won't insult him while throwing him out.

The man looked around.

"Whose pet is this?"

Of course, no one stepped forward. The man looked back at Ollie and asked if his owner was here. He shook his head.

"Are you lost?'

"Um, yeah... I-... I was abandoned, sir."

"Oh. I am very sorry to hear that. So you need a place to stay, then?"

Another nod. The man bent slightly and extended a hand. Ollie flinched away, bracing for a slap, but none came. He looked back and the hand was still there, just resting in the air. Ollie hesitated, but the man nodded encouragingly, and so Ollie took his hand and got helped up.

He whimpered as pressure was put on his ankle, then froze. He was bad.

His ankle must've been injured when he tripped, which was his fault, he shouldn't have run. And now he had the audacity to whimper?? He was so, so bad. This man would realize what a pathetic mutt he was and hurt him for it.

Glancing up fearfully, he saw that the man was indeed frowning. Ollie shrank back, hand slipping out of the man's grasp. He started shaking even harder.

"Oh dear, easy, it's alright," the man soothed. "I didn't mean to further injure your ankle by forcing you to stand. I will call a doctor for you immediately."

Did he think Ollie was upset because his ankle hurt? But.. why? Sure, the pain was intense now that he was trying to stand, but it was nothing compared to what he's been through.

"There's no need to be so concerned, sir. I'm alright. I can take it and more. I can take whatever you want me to."

The man frowned again and Ollie nearly cried.

"No, no, don't be ridiculous. I have no reason to harm you. You've done nothing wrong, dear. I don't want you to be unnecessarily hurt."

The man hesitated, then spoke again.

"That's not how I want one of my workers to be treated."

...

...what?

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I do not wish for you to be harmed, regardless of your status, but especially if you agree to work for me. You don't have a home or... employer, do you?"

"No, sir, I don't have either of those. But really, you don't have to, I'll only be a bother and a burden-"

"Nonsense. I have heard of how they train you guys. I'm sure you are wonderful. And besides, I am forgiving, I promise."

Ollie couldn't help but notice some of the crowd looked doubtful at that, which was very concerning. But at the same time, the man did not possess the same cruel glint in his eyes, the expression of deceit, the glee in waiting until the perfect moment to strike.

Of course, the man could just be better at hiding those things, or Ollie was dumber than he thought.

But what other choice did he have?

This person was offering him a lifeline, a chance at a new home and a new life. Ollie would die if he continued to be homeless. Maybe not right away, but he'd eventually catch an illness or upset someone or get caught, and then it'd be all over.

He didn't want to die.

"Okay. Of course, sir, I'd be happy to be your slave."

The man just nodded tight, and the pet was certain that he had already messed up.

But still, the man didn't do anything to him. Instead, he addressed the crowd.

"Apologies for the interruption," He announced, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. "I have urgent business to attend to with my worker, so I must leave. Enjoy the showing, it will continue until 10:30 PM as planned. My accountant will be handling any further purchases. Good night."

Then, looking back at his new slave again, Master spoke much softer.

"What is your name, dear?"

Oh god. Oh no. He knew what he was supposed to say, he knew he had to be good. He should tell the man that he can call him anything, even horrible insults, and the slave would readily accept it. He had to show his new owner that he could be good. But the man had asked. Please. The pet wanted to be allowed his name, his real name.

"Ollie, sir. My name is Ollie."

The man nodded, not seeming angry at the slave's terrible presumption that he could demand a free person use a particular name for him.

"I am Charles Durand, please to meet you, Ollie. Come with me. I'll help you to a couch to rest until the doctor arrives."

Given no other option, Ollie followed him, allowed to dangerously lean on his arm as he hobbled along.

Hopefully, this man wouldn't be too cruel to him.

— — —

Tag list: @whumpzone @whump-me-all-night-long @whumpsweetwhump @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @apples-and-whump @professional-idiocy @nicolepascaline @cowboy-anon @wolfeyedwitch @kim-poce @guachipongo @badluck990 @secretwhumplair @batfacedliar-yetagain @whumpsday @extrabitterbrain @morelikepainsley @catawhumpus @starfields08000 @mylovelyme

[cyncerity]

decided that the best way to get myself out of writers block was to write short things that expanded on stories i’d already written so that’s what i did

anyway take this little thing for the Store Shifter au; this takes place almost immediately after the Sapnap & Bbh Hawk Incident™ (this but it does have v*re), so it takes place years before the main story and Sap and Q are still teens at this point.

btw it’s angst again i’m not sorry i’m not letting Sapnap catch a break in this au

~~~~~

“We need to go” was all Sapnap had been repeating for the past half an hour, and Quackity was mildly really fucking tired of it. “Slow the fuck down. Explain. What the fuck happened.” He grabbed Sapnap’s arm, stopping the boy’s tirade through his bedroom as he threw Quackity’s various clothes and items into the largest bag he owned. And this seemingly wasn’t the first time he’d done this, as he had entered Q’s home holding a massive pack of his own things. “We were thinking about moving, right? No better time than the present, so let’s go.” “Sap, Karls not even here.” “We’ll let him know when he gets back.”

“Sapnap, stop.” He pleaded, grabbing his boyfriend harshly, forcing him to drop the now overflowing pack he was holding. He wouldn’t look Quackity in the eyes. “What brought this on? Why so sudden, talk to me!” He nearly shouted. Sapnap didn’t answer, but took a few moments before he sucked in a breath and lifted his head.

Quackity found people easy to read, Sapnap especially. They’d been friends for so long, even lovers at this point, and Sapnap had always worn his heart proudly on his sleeve.

Which made the fact that he couldn’t quite read the expression painting his boyfriend’s face as worrisome as it was heartbreaking.

He was tired and stressed, the deep bags that had seemingly formed overnight staining his already permanently bruised face, and that near constant fire in his eyes seeming to have been smoldered. But beyond that, there was…well, Quackity didn’t quite know what to call it. Hatred, guilt, exhaustion, all things that he had seen on any face but his Sapnap’s. He couldn’t even be sure that’s what it was, but something was wrong. And it wasn’t even just his expression. His downcast eyes, the was his hands minutely shook, the soft and unsure way he spoke, and the reluctance to look in any sort of reflective surface had all been things he’s noticed when Sapnap had come in his room. Every single one of these things was so uncharacteristic of Sapnap that he had half a mind to drag him down to Sam to talk since he knew he wouldn’t be able to fix whatever had done this alone.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because of the one last thing on his face, the part of his expression that would plague Quackity’s mind for years after as he tried to figure out what could have happened to the boy he loved so much.

Fear.

Sapnap was afraid. Afraid of what, he couldn’t say, but he saw the way the fear blocked the light from his eyes and knew he couldn’t convince someone that afraid to do anything logical.

Q sighed and took the bag that Sapnap had dropped, beginning to take the items out and fold and organize them neatly. “Go tell my dad and sis we’re leaving. I’ll go say goodbye to them when i’m finished.” He said calmly, and pretended not to feel even more lost when Sapnap’s whole frame relaxed. “Thank you.” He practically whimpered, tears clear in his voice. “Thank you, Q, thank you so much.”

Q swiped a few stray tears from his own cheeks as Sapnap sprinted from his room. It hurt, knowing he was leaving his family and community with such short notice, he wouldn’t deny that. But more so, it hurt seeing his boyfriend in so much pain, and it hurt worse knowing that he wasn’t privy to what even caused it. But whatever it was, whatever caused the fear he saw, he’d travel for the rest of his life to get away from it if it brought the joy back to Sapnap’s eyes. He’d do anything to avoid whatever caused that unexplainable, hollowing look in the boy he loved.

He just hopes that one day Sapnap will tell him what exactly to avoid.

[piko-power]

Without One Another

This is a follow up drabble to What Big Brothers Fear The Most, which you can read here if you need context. It's optional but it is required pfffft.

TW: Mentions of death, grief, self hatred, implied/mentions self harm thoughts, swearing

-

Tails knocked on the door three times.

Just three, small thuds with his knuckles against his brother's door.

He hate to bother him, but after what happened a couple of minutes ago, he couldn't help but check up on Sonic.

He needed to make sure he's okay.

"Sonic?" Tails called. "Can I come in?"

After a moment of silence, Tails reconsidered knocking again. But kept moving his glove free hand away from the door, really hating to bother him.

He never bothered Sonic. He knew damn well. But it's two in the morning.

He should be asleep, not knocking at his door and especially not tinkering at his workbench. At least he didn't get scolded for that.

Again.

But it was all just so sudden for Sonic the Hedgehog to say all those things, which, to be fair, was something he needed to hear since forever, out of no where.

He did mention that he had a bad dream, and that he was okay now, but that's about it.

Tails felt like there is more to it than "just a bad dream" and "I'm fine now."

He did had a feeling on what that bad dream was about now.

He knocked again. Just like last time.

"Sonic?" He called, a little bit louder this time. Loud enough for him to hear from the other side, in case the real reason why Sonic didn't respond was because he couldn't hear him the first time.

"Do you mind if I come in and talk to you?" He asked, his ears pinning slowly.

He really didn't wanna bother him.

He's not bothering him. He is not bothering him.

No response again.

...He is, isn't he?

The fox sighed a heavy sigh. A tired one, even. He shouldn't be doing this at this hour. His sleep is much better than-

...Hell no. His sleep is not at all better than his brother's well being.

"I'm coming in." Tails says, before turning the knob and opening the door.

He wasn't ready to go in when he said that, but went in anyways, because he cares.

When the door is fully open, he could see the blue hedgehog himself, sitting on the edge of his bed with an exhausted look on his face, bags under his eyes and some sleep fluttering off his eyelashes.

He flinched slightly, not expecting a bright light coming through the doorway, since he was adjusted to the dark already. "Too bright." He grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Oops. Sorry." Tails says, before turning off the hallway lights he forgot to turn off before Sonic went to his room earlier.

"You, uh... You good, buddy?" He asked, a small weak grin rising on his muzzle, relived to see his brother looking somewhat calm, even though he's not asleep.

Though considering what happened, he doesn't blame him for not being asleep right now.

"Just wanted to check up on ya." He continued. "Got kinda worried back there." He scratched the back of his head, not sure on how to keep the conversation going.

He just wanted to talk to Sonic. To let him know that he's here.

"I'm fine." He says, turning his head to face his little brother, a clearly fake smile on his face, that did not match the tiredness in his emerald eyes.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"...Alright then."

The hedgehog let out a loud, long yawn. It went on long enough for even Tails to yawn along with him. After that, Sonic laughed for a bit.

"It's spreading!" He chuckled, despite the tired sounding tone.

Tails giggled quietly. "Oh, noooooo." He "panicked," raising his hands in "fear." He snorted another laughter.

At least they're both laughing together.

"Ah..." Sonic sighed. It felt good to laugh again. "But, yeah, I am fine, little buddy," He reassured. "Just a little tired, is all," He rubbed his right eye.

"And nothing else is wrong?"

"...Nope."

... ...

He exhaled through his stuffed up nose.

"...Just can't sleep, I guess."

Aha. There it is.

Tails knew that Sonic was hiding something from him. He is terrible at hiding things. Very terrible.

Tails walked in his room finally and approached his bed. He stood by him, not sure if he should sit next to him.

"Something on your mind?" Tails casually asked.

"Yeah."

"Mind... telling me what's wrong, then?" Tails asked softly.

"..."

He could read the discomfort from the way his eyes lowered. He knew he didn't wanna talk about it, but sometimes it's better to talk about it than bottle it up.

Sonic kept forgetting about that.

But what ever happened in Sonic's dream messed him up really bad. He's aware that is was a dream, but it was still bothering him.

Must've been terrifying if he's not asleep at the moment.

"You don't have to talk about it," Tails says. "I just want you to know that I'm here in case you do want to talk about it."

The corner of Sonic's lips quivered.

He does.

He looked up at the little kit, his smile gave up and his eyes look sad and restless. Tails frowned slightly, not enjoying seeing his buddy like this.

"It's about my nightmare," he began. "and what happened in it..."

"Okay..." Tails says, sitting down next to him, listening.

"I was fighting Metal and you were in the air fighting some Badniks," He continued. "when suddenly I was caught in an explosion. Infinite was there and... he cut my..."

He placed his hand where his throat is, not wanting to complete his sentence as for a second he remembered how painful that attack was.

Which is absurd, because he's pretty sure he weren't supposed to feel pain in dreams. But sometimes, he does, and it's pretty screwed up.

"I go down and you arrived at a pretty bad time." Sonic says. "I was bleeding out, and you... look so scared." His hands lightly grabbed on hold of the sheets, refusing to look back at the moment. Yet, he did.

Tails was listening to every word he has to say, and he looked more uncomfortable and concerned the more Sonic continued with the story.

"You were crying. You were screaming for me. And... I died right there in your arms. Leaving you all alone..."

He looked away to his right, not wanting to look at his little brother after saying that. He knew that Tails was a little frightened by those words.

And he was.

"I remember you saying something like, 'Don't leave me,' or 'I don't want to be alone.'" His ears pinned down to his head. "But I think the worst thing you said was... 'I can't live without you.'"

Tails' eyes rose.

Sonic sits up and let out a heavy, shaky sigh. He never wanted to tell him what his own brother said to him in his dream. It just doesn't make any sense. It was just a nightmare, so why would it be so stressful?

It didn't happen. It never will.

But...

When he looked back at Tails, there was worry.

Nothing but worry.

Sonic wanted to punch himself in the face so bad for doing this to his little baby brother.

"I was the only family you had, and... you lost it." He muttered out, almost sounding emotionless, yet there was a hint of grief. "You literally cannot live without me. Yet, I know you can take care of yourself, but... I've done so much for you... I never really thought about these kinds of things, but I-..."

He stopped himself, huffing out again and placing his hands on his face, his elbows supporting on his knees. "It's just pissing me off that this nightmare is scaring me this badly." His voice muffled through his hands.

"None of that happened!" He turned back at him, his voice raised. "I didn't die and you weren't saying all those... awful things. I know you would never say that, even if I did-"

"Don't say it."

A small crack in the young one's voice is all it takes to just... break his heart into two.

"You're right about me being independent, but... You have done so much for me, and you are the first person in my life who liked me, and didn't ditch me or hurt me because of my two tails." He says. "And I know I also have Amy, Knuckles, Blaze, everybody... but you... are so important to me, and you always will be, no matter how old I get."

"I know." He often forget that he'll always be important to Tails. Not just for when he's a kid. Not just for right now.

"I know almost every day, we face crazy challenges and go on wild adventures, but we also had some close calls. Like, very close calls. Times where we nearly lost you." Tails continued. "And that one time..." He paused. "...We did lose you."

Sonic exhaled again.

"I thought I could handle it. For the first couple of months. I really did. But..." He sniffled. "Going so long without the one person who will always be there for me, without the one person who changed, saved, my life, without the one person who made me happy to be me... to be alive..."

Sonic shuts his eyes tight.

"Everyone at the Resistance was there, but... you weren't. I thought, we thought, you were dead, Sonic..." He choked quietly. "We believed that for months. I believed that for months. About the third month in, I just... couldn't stand being in a picture that you weren't in."

Sonic hates himself so much right now.

"It's just not the same without my hero." He spoke up. "One night, I just ran away from the Resistance. I was all by myself. Just like my first few years. I wailed, I screamed, I wished that everything that happened around that time was all a horrible, horrible nightmare that I was having, and I would wake up, to you, comforting me, letting me know that everything is okay and that you wouldn't leave me."

You ruined everything, Sonic. The hedgehog scolded himself.

"But..." He continued. "Reflecting on myself after that night, I stood back up and fought on my own, not wanting to have another episode like that... Well, at least I tried to fight back. I can fight back, but... How could I if a part of myself was ripped out of me?"

Dark Gaia...

"I can't say that I can't live without you, but... the world would be a much cruel place without you." Tails says, tears stinging his ocean blue eyes. "If I never have met you, my life would be a living hell. Really. I would never be happy to be me if I never met someone like you. Or just, you at all. I am grateful to have met you, Sonic."

Tails exhaled, not wanting to cry. He couldn't help but shed a few tears anyways. He needed to at this point.

"I'd say that... I would react the same way if you did d- ...you know." He hated saying that word. It felt like if he did say that word, it would happen for real. Which, he knew it's not true, but still...

Sonic placed a hand on his cheek, sighing again. He felt so disappointed in himself, as a brother. If he couldn't beaten Infinite, knowing what he was capable of, then Tails wouldn't have gone through all that mess.

Good Lord, he was only a child. What is up with the universe trying to give this kid hell? He has done nothing wrong!

Why is he failing so hard?

A gross sniffle was heard from Sonic as he covered his face entirely, ready to cry again. It startled Tails.

"Sonic?" He says, reaching his hand out. "A-Are you okay-?"

"No, Tails." He barked. "I'm not okay. I suck! I suck at being there for you when you needed me the most! I knew damn well that I mean a lot to you, and if I could've just kick Infinite's- ...Grrrr!" He nearly failed to hold in his tears, but especially his resent towards himself.

He was important to everybody. But especially Tails.

And he failed to do the most important thing. Look after his baby brother.

"I knew the Eggman War was bad for you, but I didn't know it was this bad... You just didn't tell me these things and- ... ..."

A thought popped in his head. A thought that should never come up to him.

No. He wouldn't. He's too young. He fucking wouldn't.

"Sonic?"

The young voice made him snap back to reality for a brief moment. He turned his head to face him. Sonic was horrified of what he is about to ask him.

"I need you to be honest with me, Miles." He warned, never sounding so serious in his life.

"O-Okay...?"

"Tails... At any point during the Eggman War, have you ever attempted to hurt yourself...?"

" ... ...WHAT?!!"

The question gave Tails a major shock, and even a small jolt down his spine. "ARE YOU INSANE?! Why the heck would y- WHY THE- HOW COULD YOU ASK ME THAT?!" He shrieked, now off the bed and back on his feet, yelling at him.

"Those months were stressful for me, but I didn't try to- What the FUCK, Sonic!!" He sobbed.

Okay, out of ALL the swear words, he should NEVER, EVER use that word, but Sonic was so speechless and scared that he couldn't even give him that warning tone in his voice whenever he swears.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just- I was worried, and-"

"OF COURSE I didn't attempt that! God, just because I can't live without you, doesn't mean I LITERALLY can't! Wh-Why... Oh, my Gaia..." Tails covered his mouth. "I... This is my fault. I should've told you about what I was going through in the first place, but I made you assume... Oh, my Gaia, I'm so sorry, Sonic." He softly cried, crushed from the fact that Sonic was this worried about him right now.

The hedgehog loves him too much.

He hated the idea that Sonic was worried about his own brother doing... that to himself. Granted, that one night was the most stressful of them all, that he nearly thought of it, but he didn't. He refuse to think that way. That's why he kept fighting.

Cause he knew fully well that's not what Sonic wanted, alive or not.

And he was right. Sonic wouldn't want that.

If he wouldn't want that, then neither would Tails.

"No. Don't apologize. Please." Sonic stood up as well, his voice breaking. "It's not your fault-"

"Well, it's not your fault either, Sonic!" Tails croaked. "Neither of us saw it coming! Especially me!"

"I just wished you would've told me about how you were feeling- I mean, you never really told me until we were on the Starfall Islands, but-"

"I thought it wouldn't matter because everything is okay-"

"YOU THINK I'M OKAY WITH YOU HIDING ALL THIS FROM ME?" He roared, tears beginning to stream. "YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, GOD DAMMIT! YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Tails never felt terrified of his big brother's voice.

"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!"

... ...

... ...

Tails hiccuped. Sonic panted. No words can be exchanged. Only looks.

Sad, hurt, protective looks.

The hedgehog huffed. Feeling worse than he already was. But he didn't care. All he ever cared about was his little two-tailed brother.

"You've done a lot for me, Tails." He spoke. His voice was dying out but he couldn't care less. "All my life I thought being a hero is just doing everything yourself and taking care of yourself, but I was wrong. I never realized how wrong I was until I met you."

The fox sniffled, listening to every, little word from his hero.

"Without you, I probably would never have found the Chaos Emeralds, or stop the Death Egg, or save Angel Island, or stop Perfect Chaos, any of that stuff! My life would never be the same if I never met you. In fact, I'm not even sure if I would make it out alive without you."

His voice was trembling, but for the first time in a long time, he didn't care that he was crying in front of someone.

"You made a huge impact on my life, Tails. I owe you everything. Really..." He barely showed off such a sweet smile, but he's so tired and drained from yelling and just, staying up so late, he couldn't find the energy to smile at all right now.

"I am grateful to have you as my brother. And I know I don't say this a lot, but I think about it every time I see my friends, including you... I love you. I love you til the stars twinkle their last shine" A small sob escaped when he spoke the last couple of words.

He meant every word.

"And you wanna know something? Even if, I did die, I'm not really gone, okay? I will remain with you and everyone else forever, whether I'm in person or in spirit. I will always be in your heart and I will always love you, Miles "Tails" Prower."

He held both of Tails' hands as he began to cry. The young fox cried along with him, hearing the last sentence on loop in his head.

He really meant every, single word.

The two brothers embraced in a big hug. The biggest hug they could ever give for each other. Sonic held onto Tails for dear life as he finally sobbed loud enough for even the critters from outside to hear.

Tails hiccuped and cried continuously, not wanting to let go of the one person who changed his life for the better.

For once, they both wish this hug would last forever.

They don't care if they stayed up all night, they refuse to let each other go.

They cannot live without one another.

-

Two things woke Tails up; the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, and Sonic's monstrous snoring.

He tried to open one eye, but it was all blurry and covered in sleep. "Aw, geez... Why did I cry so much...?" He jokingly asked to himself, rubbing his eyes.

He sits up and was about to get off of the bed, but Sonic's snoring startled him a bit and he turned to see him snuggling against one of his pillows.

He looks so goofy, he thought to himself.

He's happy that Sonic's finally getting some good sleep.

Tails looked around to find himself in Sonic's room. When was the last time he slept in Sonic's room?

Old habits die hard, apparently.

"Zzzzzz... n-no chili..." Tails turned his head back the moment he heard him muttered something. "ZZZzzz, no mm chili dogs, 'm full. Thk you fr askin' though, Vanilla, zzzzzz..." He slurred.

Dreaming about chili dogs. Of course he is. Tails snickered.

He looked at the time and it read 11:38. Tails was surprised on how much or the morning is left. Him and Sonic stayed up for so long, just doing nothing but crying and hugging.

Didn't sound like a lot, but it was a long night regardless.

They needed to be there for each other, and it took them this long enough to finally have a moment with each other.

And even after all this time, Tails is still Tails, and Sonic is still Sonic.

And they're still brothers.

What a time to be alive.

"Yo. Big bro." Tails poked Sonic's cheek to wake him up.

"Mmmaybe one more bite wouldn't hurt..." Sonic mumbled before nibbling on his hand.

Tails covered his mouth, quieting down his laughter. Oh, this is his morning coffee. This is entertainment.

He needed this laugh.

"Sonic, wake up. You're dreaming." He hate to ruin the moment, but he needed to wake his brother up. He didn't want him to sleep through the day.

When Sonic's eyes open, the first thing he could see was most of his hand in his mouth. His eyes rose in confusion before he sits up, getting the hand out of his mouth and spitting out in disgust.

"What the heck was I doing??" He cried. Tails was laughing so hard he almost fell off the bed.

"Tails, please don't tell me you saw the whole thing!" Sonic felt so silly. He always known he spoke in his sleep, but this is ridiculous.

"Relax, Sonic. Everyone chews on their own hand in their sleep at some point in their lives." Tails says, getting up and already heading out of the door.

"Doubt that..."

"Yet here it are."

"Shut it." Sonic kept himself from laughing.

He gets up too, putting on his chili dog themed slippers, reading to start the day. "Geez, what a night... I felt like a crybaby."

"Hey. Don't say that." Tails spoke, turning to the hedgehog. "It's okay to cry. I can tell you've been needing to let it out for some time now."

"Yeah..." Sonic said in agreement. He scratched the back of his ear, feeling bad. "Hey, I'm sorry for telling you about all that stuff. I didn't mean to bring you down like that. My nightmare was pretty messed up and-"

"Sonic. It's okay." Tails reassures with a genuine smile. "It's okay to feel and talk about certain things. I'm glad that you get to talk to me about it. Even if it was messy, we still talked it out."

"Yeah." Sonic says, smiling as well. "Thanks. For being there for me."

"I should be thanking you, dude. But, you're welcome. Anything for my big bro!"

He opened the door and walked out. "I'm getting breakfast ready! You hungry?" He called out from outside the room.

"Some waffles sound pretty good!" Sonic replied out loud.

"Okay, cool!" The kit says.

Sonic chuckled softly. He still felt silly after his and Tails' talk, but at the same time, he felt a lot better now.

He may not be used to talking about his feelings, but at least his little buddy was there to listen to him all the way through.

He truly is grateful to have a brother like Tails.

-

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Eclipse: My immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex.

[1h4v3th3m00n]

Tw vent not aimed I'm just writing my thoughts so I can get them out my head

I don't know what the fucks wrong with me I hate myself so much I was looking through my old chats of my best friendsa from a few months ago and I'm literally in tears likr why am I crying to some messages? I feel like I've ruined the friendship for some reason I don't know why I just feel like I have because it's not the same as it used to be also sone people in my class were talking about wanting to be skinny and "locking in for winter " and I feel really fucking triggered so that's that and my dad made me eat chicken it was really gross I feel terrible I dont even want to go to school tomorrow but I have creative writing tomorrow and English is my favourite subject and I get to see my friends so I'll go ig also I'm really excited bc I'm going out with my best friend for his birthday and I'm gonna do baking with my best friends and other friends for Halloween so thats something to look forward to anyway I hate myself I wnat to die so yeah I'm trying to convince myself to just stop overthinking but I can't the more I try not to the more I overthink so yeah I wish I wasn't like thid