#self-control where is she

[themagnusbane]

Never Have I Ever - A PrapaiSky Fic(let)

So the thing is, I haven't written in almost 4 years (and no. My WangXian short doesn't count because it was meant to be 31 chapters and I still have 30 chapters unwritten since Mayhem November last year).

But, @suga4mycoffee requested for a fic where Prapai is made to realize just how badly he fucked up, based on the tags I made to her post, so that got the dusty ass writing plot bunnies going and now you have a fic that I think is rusty af, but I hope you enjoy anyway Suga.

**

If looks could kill, Saifha was sure his twin would have had him drawn and quartered, buried in a shallow grave with no headstone to commemorate his passing. And if he were a nicer twin, he would probably have found remorse buried somewhere in the depths of his heart.

But alas, he is very much Payu’s twin, and bringing his brother a measure of discomfort and misery soothed his soul. The fact that it made Payu’s boyfriend just a little bit miffed, which in turn meant that Nong Rain turned those bright eyes of his on his boyfriend in a glare that would have withered a lesser man, was just icing on an already spectacular cake. 

Having Nong Sky and Prapai caught up in all this however, wasn’t something he had planned.

But… Did he find it entertaining anyway? Certainly. It was wonderful the number of secrets that a simple game of Never Have I Ever, which he is proud to admit was his suggestion, could unravel. Besides, when you looked at it from the right perspective, he really was doing them all a collective favour. Best to let them air our their fears and insecurities and hurt, so their relationships can be the more stronger for it. 

Really, he should be deified for all the service he’s been rendering. 

“Never have I ever had an ex draped all over me, even though I already have a boyfriend, and I didn’t push said ex off, the minute he pulled his shit.”

At the words, Saifha’s eyes snapped to Nong Sky, and then Prapai. At the same time, Nong Rain turned to look at his best friend, whilst Payu’s eyes were locked on Prapai. 

“That is… Oddly specific,” Saifha murmured, leaning back to watch the chaos unfold. 

Praipai meanwhile leaned forward, fingers flexing on his glass of scotch whiskey, already half empty, because Prapai apparently had very few Never Have I Evers, and although Nong Sky’s been smiling every time Prapai’s had to lift that glass to his mouth for a drink—oh to be young and sickeningly in love—there was no smile on his face now, as he waited for Prapai. As they all waited for Prapai. 

Praipai meanwhile had his eyes on Nong Sky, a softening in their brown depths that pulled a low sound from his boyfriend’s throat, had Nong Rain’s eyes widening, and Payu tilting his head the way he did when he was furiously trying to connect the dots. 

Saifha could feel his own eyes widening. Oh shit. He fucked up didn’t he?

“You saw?” The words came out in a whisper so low, the wind almost caught it and erased it. But they were all hanging on a thread, heightened by the hurt in Nong Sky’s voice, and the remorse in Praipai’s, that they all heard it. 

“Are you drinking or not P’Pai?” Nong Sky’s voice was cold. Gone was the teasing inflection that Saifha was used to hearing. And clearly he wasn’t the only one who noticed. Nong Rain’s mouth was open, and Prapai flinched. 

Saifha watched him take a deep breath, and down the rest of the whiskey in one gulp. 

He heard an explosion of sound as Nong Rain launched himself at Prapai, only to be pulled back by Payu. Saifha noted that the grip Payu had on his boyfriend was loose, barely restraining him as Nong Rain’s eyes spat way more rage than that little body should have access to. 

Saifha could tell. If Payu wasn’t holding Nong Rain back, Prapai would have had to deal with the nails and teeth of his boyfriend’s best friend who looked like he was minutes away from breaking free of Payu’s hold and dealing all the hurt he could at the man who’d dared to hurt his friend. 

And with the way Payu was holding him, Saifha could tell that he was really considering letting go, and giving Nong Rain the free rein to dole out all the damage he wanted. 

Nong Sky meanwhile seemed to let loose all the air that he’d held in, waiting for Prapai’s response. Saifha watched as he deflated, and curved into himself. His hands digging into the flesh of his upper arms as he rocked back and forth. 

“I’m sorry,” Prapai whispered, knees sinking to the floor right in front of Nong Sky, hands reaching out to touch him, and then pulling back, fingers flexing like he didn’t have the right to do that anymore. 

“How could you P’Pai? How could you?” Nong Rain’s voice kept rising, his feet trying hard to connect with Prapai’s shin. But Payu’s hold held strong and he couldn’t come close. 

“Why?” At Nong Sky’s whispered question, everyone quieted. Prapai slid a step closer, and Nong Sky’s eyes locked with his. 

Saifha could feel the moment when everything, and everyone else faded away for them. They were together, in their own cocoon of hurt and pain and regret. 

“Why are you sorry P’Pai?”

“I—“

“Are you sorry that you said you would be out in 5mins and you didn’t keep that promise? That I ran into girls there who were talking about how they wanted to fuck you? Are you sorry that they mentioned that P’Payu had made it clear that he had a boyfriend, but they had no idea that we were together? Are you sorry that they thought they had a chance with you because they didn’t know otherwise, because you didn’t tell them otherwise?” 

Saifha watched Prapai’s shoulders slump with each question that Nong Sky tossed his way. The younger boy’s voice was low and level. No inflection of the rage that Saifha would have expected. It was like he had sunk deep into the depth of all that hurt and pain; like they were were questions he had asked himself over and over again, until he had numbed himself to it, and disassociated from it all.

And Prapai responded with panic, eyes and hands reaching out to Nong Sky, trying to comfort, to heal, to soothe. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Sky. I told him. I told him when he asked me, that I have a boyfriend.”

Saifha didn’t need to read minds to know that that wasn’t what Nong Sky wanted to hear. He looked at Payu who looked about ready to let go of Nong Rain so he could smack his friend in the head himself for being an absolute dimwit. 

Nong Sky’s voice dropped even more. “So you waited for him to ask before you told him?” He stared incredulously at Prapai who looked utterly wretched. “What if he hadn’t asked? Would you have continued to let him touch you P’Pai? Continued to let him drape himself over you.” 

Saifha watched Nong Sky reach out his hands to touch Prapai’s face. Watched as Prapai leaned into the touch, hands reaching out to grasp Nong Sky’s, as he whispered several “I’m sorry’s” against the inner part of his boyfriend’s wrist. 

“Why are you sorry P’Pai?” The question again. But this time, his voice was softer, less modulated. Saifha could see him softening. Everyone could see him softening. 

Prapai released a breath, relief whooshing out of him as he stood to his full height, then pulled gently on Nong Sky’s hands. The latter allowed him, standing up so Prapai could sit, and then pull him in to sit on his lap, further tuning out everyone else, as they sank further into their own world. 

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I didn’t immediately make it clear that I was taken. I’m sorry in trying to be kind and not hurt his feelings, I hurt yours instead. I’m sorry I was gentler with turning him down, that I was with handling your heart. I’m sorry it didn’t even occur to me that you would be hurt by it. I’m sorry, I’m only just telling you I’m sorry.”

Prapai pulled back slightly to look at Nong Sky’s face, fingers stroking his cheek, wiping away the tears that had made tracks on his face. “Forgive me?”

Nong Sky looked at him for a brief, suspended moment. 

Saifha was sure they all stopped breathing, waiting for Nong Sky’s response. 

And it came resplendent as the sun. A smile that lit up his face and had Prapai placing a murmured thank you against his pale neck, as Nong Sky patted Prapai’s hair softly. 

Saifha nodded, pleased at the result. Just as Nong Rain’s voice called out loudly “You’d better make sure it never repeats itself P’Pai. If it does, I’m coming for your head!” 

The statement had Prapai turning to glare at Nong Rain, who glared right back, with Payu silently laughing behind his boyfriend, and Nong Sky looking quite pleased. 

Honestly, Saifha really did think he should be deified for all the service he’s been rendering.

**

Oh, and for those who need context, here's the post that birthed this.

[daily-odile]

everything is the same except Odile is the one looping

oh. heheheheh. muahahahaha. hold on *digs through my pile of disorganized sketches*

Odile loops au; a sketch compilation!!

Some old fic drabbles + associated sketches under cut (a6 secret spoilers):

hc: Since equipment carries over, as long as Odile uses her book in a fight, she can write down notes and have it carry over loops

toxic doomed yuri (for a more fleshed out fic I highly recommend The Sweetest Thing by soreimoon, it's amazing)

[blackhholes]

Self-Injury in Teen Wolf

“A Hideous Torture on Himself”: Madness and Self-Mutilation in Victorian Literature by Sarah Chaney / Representing the Unrepresentable: Self-Harm as Affect by Laura Wilson / Damaging the Body Politic: Self-Mutilation as Spectacle by Alexandra Gray

Written for @teenwolf-meta‘s Meta May Monday theme: pain.

The idea of pain making you human was introduced into the show when Derek said "And that's what keeps you human- pain." to Scott in the season one episode The Tell. It's a concept which is repeatedly brought up throughout the show and might actually be one of the more consistent facets of werewolf lore seen within the show.

When lycanthropic characters are incapable of relying on their anchor to tether them to their human side, they can instead draw on their own pain, often self-inflicted, to avoid the consequences of shifting. Throughout the show the character shown to utilize this the most is Liam. He's often incapable of controlling his anger and as a result is incapable of keeping in touch with his humanity, meaning that he's pushed to the edge of self-injury more often than other characters.

Another instance where we see characters inflict injury on themselves, or others, is when they need to trigger their healing. As seen in the season four finale when Kira is unable to heal after being attacked by berserker-Scott, where she then has to cut up her hand with a shard of obsidian for the rest of her body to heal. This is interesting because it visualizes a clear disconnect between the body and the self, the self which needs to heal can only communicate this with the body through more pain and injury.

Lydia is also seen injuring herself in season two when she's being controlled by Peter. When she's awoken by her mother her sheets are covered in blood and it's then revealed that she punched her mirror with no recollection of it. This serves as a narrative red herring as it's revealed later in the same episode that the Kanima hates its own reflection, but on a personal level it also shows the viewer the disconnect Lydia is experiencing between herself and her mind.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

[priestfrommidnightmass]

DON’T READ IF YOU’RE NOT DOWN WITH MORALLY GRAY DIRTBAGGISH DILEMMAS IN REAL LIFE! but okay. so his girlfriend leaves for the summer for like three months in aboutttt 2-3 weeks? and i graduate soon so i’m kind of debating partnering with one of my friends to throw another party so i can get him wasted again and see how he acts when he’s drunk around me and she’s not around. because if that’s how he was acting with her standing Right beside us i can’t imagine otherwise….

[angelbitezzz]

Hello, dearies~

Would you two be interested in a spider bake sale? We're a small business so far, but every bit of gold matters~

Perhaps, if you buy enough.. you could become an official sponsor once we renovate our bakery!

We have spider donuts, spider cider, tons of pastries made by spiders, of spiders!

However, if our spiders are not to your taste..

..We have a donation rewards program, where you can get rare pastries from our "scrapped food menu"! Depending on the amount of gold you donate, you unlock a new tier, and in turn, a new pastry item~

If you two are interested, we are located in the path just above the one that leads to Starlight Aisles.

Don't be intimidated by our presence, we are quite friendly~

(The ask seems to be some kind of ad campaign.. it was only a matter of time before this started happening.)

As Angel chuckles, Sans's pupils suddenly spark a little brighter, and he sits up straighter in realization.

There's a half second before she understands.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[dent-de-leon]

playing Astarion's romance and rewatching Vanitas has given me so many vampire writing thoughts--

[dennisboobs]

ok at the point now where looking at an image of dennis makes me want to smash my head through a wall

[sapphic-woes]

listen i love ABO shit, and the idea of sevika marking you is driving me INSANE. running her nose over your neck to get more of your scent and she can’t help herself and gives a little ✨kiss✨ that turns…spicy. she gets all smug and her ego flares when she sees other people shy away from you when they see the mark. wants to cover you in them and keep you in her bed at all times. best alpha muah 💋

YESSSS! The smutty part of abo is so good too. Love the idea of her tracing her thumb over your mark randomly in public just to watch you blush;;

I'm def gonna have her struggle between her instinct and logic with you...have her be inches away from grabbing you and covering you in her scent but knowing damn well that'd scare you off...ugh I love high tension like that!!!!!

[banannabethchase]

*beats off the negative body image and self esteem issues with the newly acquired handheld vacuum cleaner*

[vonkarma2]

ultimately my enjoyment is hampered because it is low key sexist bc it takes place in an alternate universe where Sigmund Freud is real. though I did still like it for the most part but I hate Sigmund Freudddd Utena better

[faaun]

i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao

[patchworkofravens]

Redcrackle and where do we go now by Gracie Abrams...ooooo I need to be sedated

[mars-ipan]

overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"