dramaticsuspect

[dramaticsuspect]

Have you ever craved something, whether food or a feeling, and when you finally owned it on your hands, you suddenly had the urge to put it down or take a few steps backward? Most of the time, we tend to find alternatives for something we crave, just for our desires to be put at ease. Or maybe we thought we really wanted to taste and have it, but you suddenly had a change of heart when it's finally there, sitting pretty, waiting to be held and consumed.

Recently, I have been dealing with a lot of cravings in my life. At 3 a.m., when most pastries shops are closed and the food I badly want to ingest is unavailable, I tend to crave blueberry cheesecakes. During those times, I think my tastebuds missed the complementary taste of the saltness of cheese and the sweetness of blueberries; my mouth is salivating while I imagine myself indulging in it. I remember getting myself an alternative for blueberry cheesecake by eating a Lemon Square cheesecake topped with strawberry jam; it tasted good but wasn't good enough to scratch the itch. Maybe we crave something because there is a portion lacking within us; in my three a.m-blueberry cheesecake-cravings-saga, it's perhaps I'm too stressed with my daily routine, or I'm dehydrated, and I lack sleep.

I didn't know that it would be possible to feel the same cravings I have for blueberry cheesecakes to someone. I didn't realize that desire for a sensation could be much worse than badly wanting to eat a specific food. I keep on entertaining other people, hoping to find someone that could satisfy my hunger for something new that I must have been craving for ages. It doesn't matter whether I leave them after a month or two; if they are not good enough to quench my unseemingly desire for a strange sensation, I won't hesitate to drop them as I did to my barbie dolls when I finally outgrew my childhood. It doesn't matter to me who hurts who. All I can think about is giving someone a shot and seeing if they can ease my tumultuous craving.

After trying to entertain other people and finally finding a potential person who could make me feel the satisfaction I have always craved, I had the feeling of battening down the hatches. The moment he was standing and waiting for me to come over scared the living daylights out of me. It made me think, is this really the feeling I have been craving? Did I want to have company because I'm scared of being lonely or just bored?

Craving an uncertain feeling could be excruciating. It makes you insane and aware that you are hurting someone drastically. And since you know what you've done, you're ready to face the price of your crime, embracing the karma brought upon your lust.

— Craving,

words by @dramaticsuspect